#and could still be. without realizing

[apollos-boyfriend]

so my younger cousin is flying in to visit from brazil on sunday, and will be staying here for like, the entirety of july. which, don't get me wrong, is super cool! i love the kid! but it felt like a super weird move, considering his parents are the SUPER strict and borderline helicopter parents. even the smallest prank/roughousing with him/his little sister would lead to a strict talking to from his parents, he couldn't ever do anything without their clear permission, that sort of stuff. so letting him fly at alone at 16 to a whole different country and stay there for a whole month seemed WILDLY out of character. additionally, it just felt like a super last-minute trip. it's not like we have any plans to do when he gets here, and the flight itself and stuff only got booked like, midway through june.

and i was talking to my mom about it, kind of trying to nudge some answers out of her, and after a while she went, "yeah, i think they're sending him over here to get away for his boyfriend. see if the distance breaks them off." which, first of all, surprised me because last i checked, they didn't KNOW he had a boyfriend. literally everyone in the family did EXCEPT for them because while that entire side of the family being semi-conservative, his parents (mostly his dad) are EXTREMELY old-fashioned. so clearly something already went wrong. and considering the only reason the rest of the family knew is because one person found out and it spread like wildfire, i have a sneaking suspicion he wasn't the one to tell them, either.

and second of all. they're sending him HERE. to try to make him forget his homosexuality. i couldn't do anything but just wordlessly gesture to the multiple pride flags scattered around my room, then to myself, because really? he has like two other cousins in the us and they're sending him to me? honey i am about to introduce this kid to queer scenes you have never even heard of. he'll be returning home with labels only shrimp can perceive

#icarus speaks #i fully believe she's correct btw #they are. not the brightest people. and honestly probably believe this is something that could work #cause i can see the logic of get him away and hopefully he'll realize it's a phase. which is Likely what they think #but oh honey you have a big storm coming #side note this is the SECOND time someone's been outed without permission on that side of the family 😭 #bitches learned of my transgenderism SO quickly #also even if that's NOT why they sent him here. i will still be rocking his world #they have given me Infinite Power and i will use it to make this kid's life as queer as physically possible

[turtleblogatlast]

No but like every time I think about Splinter and what he had to go through just to keep the boys alive, my heart hurts for him so badly. Is he perfect? No not at all, but none of them are and by god does he love his sons.

The fact that all of them are alive, and grew to thrive despite the circumstances surrounding them is a testament of how much Splinter loves his boys. He raised four babies following the most traumatic time of his life, all alone with nothing but the sewers to house them (to hide them.) I feel like he’s not given the credit he deserves for all he’s done.

And I get that it’s easy to hold up his flaws and faults when it comes to parenting, I myself like looking into them because flawed characters are super interesting and said flaws make them more realistic and engaging, but he tries, and again, so many others would have given up on the boys or failed along the way but Splinter didn’t.

He’s their father, for all his faults he did his damndest to make sure they survived.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt splinter #rise splinter #he’s not perfect as I’ve said #and he’s got a whole slew of flaws and faults #but he’s a person - we are all flawed #he loves his sons dearly dearly dearly even if he struggles along the way to show that #parenting is not easy! especially as a traumatized mutant who is forced to do it alone #side note but I think this is one of the reasons why it kiiiiiinda ruffles my feathers to see so many people assign parentification to Raph #and in turn make Splinter out to be way worse and way more distant than he is in canon? #like idk I just don’t see what so many others see ig but maybe that’s just me #i guess my thoughts are like- let parents have flaws without villainizing them? #they’re still parents even if they mess up? #we can discuss the repercussions of a parents actions on a child while not casting that parent as an awful person #parents are peopleeee #I could go on but yeahhh #idk it bothers me seeing splinter’s efforts undermined when he’s been through so much #idk if ppl realized this by now but I love me some flawed characters #tho I do think in this fandom the ones whose faults are discussed the most are like #Splinter mostly then Draxum then Leo #of the main cast #and in Splinters case in particular his faults are made to cover his good qualities which makes me sad #because he is SO INTERESTING #they’re all flawed characters and tbh so interesting because their flaws are ALSO their strengths in many aspects

[pinkd3mon]

Gardening pals

#kirby #kots #kirby of the stars #kirby fanart #hoshi no kirby #taranza #Galacta Knight #last year I had it revealed to me in a dream that Galacta would enjoy gardening #it made so much sense back then #it doesn't make sense now but i don't make the rules #i think Taranza could show Galacta how to interact with fragile things without you know killing them #Galacta has been destructive for so long they have been used as a weapon for as long as they remember #and then being free and discovering they are capable of gentleness??? #the best i think #i started rendering this yesterday i spent like 4 hours on it until i realized i hate rendering so gray it is #please forgive me rendering gods I'm just no good #morpho butterflies surround Galacta in the garden if it wasn't clear #i know some people see them and freak out for obvious reasons but they're kind to Galacta and Galacta is still grateful to them #do you like galacta's cap it took me so long to figure out out how to get it on their head #i don't know anything about gardening so i just made Taranza hold any gardening tool I could think of #he has too many hands in my opinion i don't know what to do with them

[chirpsythismorning]

S5 opener REAL

#byler #will byers #stranger things #every season besides s4-5 opens with non main characters #for el we got a flashback of the lab followed by her perspective in the scene directly after #and I think for Will we will see something similar #with us getting the flashback of him in castle byers in the UD #followed by him in the present in the scene after #but what exactly would warrant that memory being brought up in association with Will in the present? #mayhaps his connection to the mindflayer and the UD run deeper than we realize… #it’s likely not something he could just rid himself of in s2 and now he’s all good #he literally still feels a connection to everything he is feeling #that means he is still technically at risk of being the spy in some capacity #the massacre at Hawkins lab also was a guiding force for El discovering the ‘truth’ in s4 #so it’s likely for Will this instance will operate in a way that re-contextualizes the events in the past up to now #like that time Will suggested they go to the hospital in s3 only for the flayed to be waiting for them #or how flayed Billy knew they were at the cabin… #all while Will was looking cryptic as hell in that scene watching over el #or the fact that he picked Billy in the first place the season after he focused on Will… #you know.. williams #I think the easiest way to introduce the castle Byers flashback is a dream honestly #specifically a dream within a dream #seeing that recent leak and Will looking like either he has a black or hasn’t slept in days #is giving very much ‘I am afraid to sleep bc I’m scared of what will happen’ #I think dude is not exactly possessed in the sense that we already saw in s2 with like the particicles #but he’s still vulnerable #the door is still ajar… #no but fr this idea of opening a door in your mind was so blatant in st2 AND s3b of teen wolf #I think a big part of it will be guilting Will over the fact that Will has helped him before without Will telling the others #hence his weird vibe in s3… like he’s already successfully fucked with Will post s2 potentially with us being none the wiser aka here we go

[3-aem]

i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.

so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.

never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?

nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.

i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.

my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.

#im going to fking throw up this is the last time i will ever say this #do not come begging to be for another apology i am done #i will never address this issue again okay #i need to say this because no matter what when i see people supporting me now i feel guilty #i recognize it is just because i hate myself #it is because i havent accepted i made mistakes #but i cant accept it because people cant accept it #i cant accept it and i cant move on #and that is why i think its best to leave art #i cant make work i am proud of anymore #i dont want to list names of artists #but i will say that when king chris reposted my work without credit i viewed it the same as when i referenced other artists work #but there was no callout no request even from the comments for credit #and he has millions of followers #i felt like i could not stand up for myself because i have this history #because of this history i can never properly defend myself i feel i must always kneel to it #even though i have changed and realized i was wrong i still have to acknowledge it always

[butmakeitgayblog]

Okay that look that ADC gives Laura? I can just see all of your Lexa au looking at Clarke like that and I can’t with the softness.

You're not wrong

But also...

#anon #it's giving jealous MBFW Clarke vibes #you're not wrong tho! #that doting look like #CoA Lexa any time she's anywhere in Clarke's general proximity #romeo Lexa is always a fool in love and it's written right across her face #AWTR Lexa. when I said Gus could barely recognize his daughter anymore this is what I meant #at no point had his serious and stoic daughter ever been #... bubbly 🤨 #but yeah no initially this just gave me MBFW vibes (without the crack) because that's why Costia scared the shit out of Clarke #more than anyone ever had #cuz Lexa... she genuinely felt something for Costia #and Clarke could tell #because before Lexa had only ever looked at her like that #don't kick my ass ok #what Clarke just doesn't realize is that Lexa still looks at her exactly like that. only even more stupidly in love #she's just so used to it she doesn't see it anymore #but seeing even a fraction of that detected at someone else? #like sledgehammer to the chest #directed**

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[pinkeoni]

i dont think that byler needs to have had been planned since the beginning for it to still be happening

#now truthfully do i know if byler has always been planned?? im not the duffers so i dont know. maybe #although… #i dont know #will was always supposed to be gay per the pitch book #and thats carried through in s1 #but mike was supposed to have a birthmark and joyce was supposed to be a tough long island mom #things change #el being dead in the original draft doesnt really mean anything cause well shes still here #tbh i can imagine the duffs going into s1 without byler really in mind but then later realizing that it could work #based on how it was already written #‘hey. wouldnt it be funny if we put mike and will together instead of mike and el’ #i dont think that byler or gay mike contradicts what we see in s1. i just dont know if blyer or gay mike was always on their mind #in those early stages of the show #in s2 i could see this however #like how monica and chandler werent always gonna be together #and then they end the show together #byler is still happening as hinted by everything up to this point #that wouldnt change if it were not in fact realized at conception #same thing with el likely not dying just because she was originally planned to

[linterteatime]

DON'T REPOST!

Ship art but the dialogue isn't necessarily shippy but the art is kinda but the dialogue-

#fanart #my art #invader zim #dib membrane #zim and dib romance #The sketch had zim without his disguise and i though “damn I haven't drawn him with his disguise in a while” and i changed it #and just now I'm realizing that it could have the cockroach part make more sense #he still looks like one yeah #but it could have been funnier #rip to that 😔

[quiescentdestiny]

thinking about the fact that if Neil had died in Baltimore, literally none of Andrew's family would even know he was broken as much as he was by it. Like they saw him choke Kevin, but even after Baltimore, Nicky assumed it was just a fling.

#Like Bee and Renee might have the most knowledge #but how likely is it that Andrew would just shut them out anyways after that? #I think Wymack. Kevin and. in fact. Aaron would have SOME idea #but like I'm just saying #most of them had that Baltimore reunion to sorta solidify how important Neil was to Andrew #and if he'd died they wouldn't have that #all they'd have is Andrew choking Kevin out after the riot #I think Aaron had a good idea of it BECAUSE of the Baltimore reunion #which is why he was able to so quickly realize that he could trade Neil for Katelyn #and I think Kevin and obviously wymack knew before that #but still. #without that reunion scene it's just Andrew having adopted another stray that he'd now failed to protect and I'm just #listen..... I read another MC death/canon divergence fic and then just here I am #thinking about the fact that Andrew would be 100% wrecked by that and almost no one would even know exactly how messed up he is about it #it's fine I'm fine #aftg #Andrew Minyard #Neil Josten #Andreil

[stergeon]

at some point i will figure out how to write the post-canon, post-empire edelgard autonomy fic of my dreams. it just feels like a very big task and maybe like with playing the dane, i’m simply not old and traumatized enough to manage it yet.

but my vision is thus: it’s set years (realistically, decades) after the end of crimson flower, when everything has gone as right as it can possibly go. fódlan is thriving. the social reforms have taken effect. the nobility system is nearly eliminated, if not entirely so, with titles made merely symbolic. social mobility, welfare, and prosperity are high. there’s an explosion in arts and culture and technology. brigid and duscur have gained independence; relations with sreng and almyra are much improved; heck, maybe they've even figured it out with dagda. in my most idealistic version, leicester and faerghus would eventually be ceded back to become autonomous regions, essentially disbanding the adrestian empire. rule is no longer hereditary, but merit-based. there's a roadmap for the future, and everything is on track—and more than that, people at all points on the power spectrum have already seen it bear fruit. with or without edelgard, it will be pursued. there's buy-in. they believe.

of course, it's not perfect—nothing can be—but edelgard's vision has been fulfilled. the people are empowered. humanity is free. fódlan has healed.

and somehow, she's had enough time to resolve her goals outside of politics, too. those who slither in the dark have been eradicated. edelgard and lysithea's second crests have been successfully removed, allowing them to live if not full lives, then substantially longer ones than they would have with their twin crests intact. who knows—maybe she finally gets around to having that wedding.

point for point, every item listed in edelgard's manifesto has been checked off. the ghosts of her past have been laid to rest. she can finally take off her crown. she can finally pursue the quiet, humble life she's wanted for so long. she can finally breathe.

... but can she?

edelgard is nothing if not driven. her intelligence, vision, and sheer willpower allowed her to plan and execute a revolution against two countries and the most powerful institution on the continent, all while she was still a teenager. as royalty, her life was never truly hers even before she became heir to the adrestian throne, with all the additional baggage of survivor's guilt and the desire for vengeance and her need to ensure nothing that happened to her can ever happen to anyone else, ever again.

so what happens when that drive has no outlet? what happens when someone who has been constantly in motion, constantly working and planning and preparing every spare second of every day since she was fourteen years old, suddenly has to stand still? what happens when someone whose hands have been bound for so long—first literally in the dungeons of enbarr, then by the weight and responsibilities of her crown—is set free?

being edelgard, she would step away from the throne, no matter how hard it was for her to give up control. she's always been focused on the endgame, and she knows that if she doesn't let go, she'll be setting the wrong tone for fódlan's future. she's too devoted to that endgame to cling to power much longer than she needs to, though i could see her making some excuses and trying to iron out just a few more things to buy herself some more time to mentally prepare before she's done for good.

but who would she be then? who is the woman without the crown? what becomes of a machine once it is no longer needed, when it has made itself obsolete? what about when that machine is a person with legs and arms and an innate unwillingness to gather dust on a shelf?

what happens when you get everything you want? what happens when all your wanting has been for others to thrive, and now you have to want only for yourself? how do you discover who you are when you've spent decades being everything for everyone else? how do you find meaning again? how do you find purpose?

after a lifetime of devotion and passion and movement, how do you learn to sit with yourself, and be quiet, and be still?

gosh, i would love to meet her. i would love to pick her brain. but boy, i do not envy the work that girl has to do.

#sterge.rtf #fire emblem #fe3h #edelgard von hresvelg #realistically edelgard is not getting all of this done in her lifetime. but that wouldn't keep her from stepping away anyway #'cause a funny thing happened to edelgard during the crimson flower route: she learned to have faith again. #so even if she couldn't check every box and fix every societal ill she'd still be able to pass the crown to the next ruler. #maybe not without fear. but with confidence. with optimism. with the belief that she's leaving the world better than she found it. #she'd have faith in her people. faith in the future. faith in the groundwork she's laid. faith in the systems she's put in place. #faith that her vision will be carried out with or without her. #and that faith would allow her to eventually let go. #i so love edelgard pulling a george washington and saying nah i'm good on power. peace #though unfortunately i could also see her pulling a teddy roosevelt #and saying nah i'm good on power. peace. wait what are you doing. you're ruining it. you're bungling everything. i can't believe this #and making several (failed and increasingly insane) attempts to get back into politics #who is the taft to edelgard's ted tho. i don't want to do ferdinand the disservice of saying it's him even though i think it's very funny. #it's literally the opposite of his character as taft notoriously sniffed roosevelt's farts for a long time #until he finally pulled his head out of the guy's ass and realized there are other smells. such as the sewer. and garbage. #smells which he pursued quite happily much to ol ted's chagrin #meanwhile ferdinand does not think anything of edelgard's ass except that his is definitely better-looking than hers #(he's wrong on so many levels but you try telling the guy that) #in fact ferdinand has always taken great joy in pointing out all the things that smell better than edelgard does #which gives him an instant up on mr Take-Advice-From-Theodore #all this to say i think ferdinand von aegir would have been a much better president than william howard taft. that's just my opinion. #i'm getting off the rails in these tags idk what's wrong with me #sorry for equating your blorbos to long-dead american politicians everyone. i know this is a cardinal sin #also please don't take this to mean i think positively of washington or roosevelt or taft or whatever. #i hate all dead old white guys who ever held a modicum of power #i just had a hyperfixation on american presidents when i was in grade school and unfortunately now my brain works like this

[problemcore]

been real cloudy here, without any rain

#halfway thru this i realized i was drawing myself and not gumi and i had to take a moment and re-gumi-fy the drawing #cant help being a gumi kinnie i guess U_U #dnoodles #vocaloid #i guess? idk i dont think a lot of people will reblog this. i actually kinda hope not. #hello dear followers #yea wow i have um. not been drawing at all lately. #not even simple doodles. i couldnt even pick up a pen. #so i sat down. turned on my favorite music. and drew what i wanted. #not what i wanted to see as the result #but what i wanted to let out of my system. #i dont really care if this looks good or bad. i dont care how messy the lines are. i dont care about the colors or the background #i just wanted to have a good time drawing again. and have a good time i did :) #i have a big drawing ahead of me i need to do. that i Want to do. #im scared of it not turning out good. especially since its for a friend. especially since im being paid for it. #but. im gonna let myself enjoy it. sink into the feeling and let the pen move on its own. indulge in the joy of creation. #i missed art. i missed posting. #sometimes i think about how i was able to crank out so many drawings in high school. #not without extreme determent to my grades of course. but still. i was drawing So Much. and i utterly loved it. #i still wish i could go back to that. perhaps i will. perhaps i wont. #but i want to let that wish go away. and. i guess. start a new chapter. #reinvent my relationship with art. #its going to be bad. its going to be messy. its going to hurt your eyes. and its going to be fun. #WOW okay that was an essay. thank you for reading. #im gonna go eat something and. actually get back to drawing. hehe

[lobotomyladylives]

I should have been born 15 years earlier just so that I could get pharma opioids easily & not immediately fucking die from fent infested dirty 30s & xylazine laced everything that rots your skin off on contact. god the drug market is sooo bleak in north america particularly atm I wanna cry. and all the deep web markets I trusted have been nuked by interpol. is this how those "I should have been born in the 70s!!" gals feel bc if so I get it now. I wasted the early stages of the opioid crisis by being a child/teenager and now doctors have overcorrected and barely even give them out to cancer patients it's so unfair

#crawling back to kratom with my head hung after researching drugs in khatmandu & getting jealous but then realizing i cant afford to be a #drug tourist . #life is sick evil unfair etc #this wouldnt be happening if i could still do psychadelics (i hate you ssris i hate you so much) find a ket plug or even smoke weed #without getting paranoid #but see not only are opioids my Most Favorite theyre also one of the few classes of drug that dont interfere with my medication #thats why kratom & I are lawfully wedded for life

[blinkpen]

having long ago made the executive decision to sublimate MUCH more of my rage over all the ways my body identity and personhood have been violated over the course of my life on levels both mental physical domestic and systemic into my writing by the way

#this does not mean we will be Seeing things on screen we don't need to #just that i am going to crank the dial and how much harrowingly visceral information can be conveyed -without- actually doing that #good horror will make a frame with seemingly nothing going on the scariest shit ever bc you Know. you cant see. but you Know. #the tragedy of 'my schizophrenia did not disable me but the PTSD from how i've been treated and taken advantage of bc of it DID' #'and SO MUCH of the WORST trauma was inflicted in the name of Fixing me (be it the mental illness or my gayness or my being a girl wrong) #and a lot of other things really but this is at the forfront of my mind as i finally finish recovering from a lot of repressed shit finally #boiling over to dangerously lethal levels last year and my entire brain just Imploded lmao #i dont know when i'll be able to really forgive my family for refusing to vaccinate or distance and transmitting covid to me twice #resulting in seizures and brain damage the second time #which basically hit a reset button on how well i could manage my pre-existing schizophrenic symptoms and damaged my cognition #i've had to mourn losing a big chunk of my own mind's ability to function focus or even remain anchored in reality because of that #oh yeah the transphobia my family still refuses to work on that and it also contributed heavily to the system shattering so bad #i finally realized that it even existed #some of the alters now have mutually exclusive genders and orientations presumably as weird coping mechanism

[rotisseries]

everyone debates about elmike like oh they're the best of friends no they would never hang out on their own they don't even know each other, when the true answer, much like everything else about them, is that there is so so much and also nothing at all

#they're like siblings. not like. freakishly sweet siblings but like. normal siblings you know? #like a sibling is the most distant person you're ever close to. the most intimate stranger #we aren't in each other's lives by choice and if we could choose we probably still wouldn't choose each other #but also I absolutely can't live without you #I would confide my deepest fears and wants and secrets to you and you find that same confidante in me #but we never talk to each other about our interests and we don't care to hear about them either #everything about elmike is just so. everything and nothing #I love you enough I'd die for you and I don't know a thing about you #you're such an inescapable part of me but we're not even friends #like a blank wall in an otherwise filled bedroom #even though you make up a part of the structure of one of the most intimate spaces in my life there's still nothing of me there #like. do you get it. actually does this make any sense. I think I'm just saying shit #alright wrap it up guys everyone go home this post is actually just nonsense maybe #this is actually about how I view elmike in general though like they're everything and nothing they're so interesting and also so boring #like it's about the insaness of the fact they love each other that much they truly do albeit not romantically #but they don't KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER. THEY'D DIE FOR EACH OTHER THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHERR #THAT'S THE TRAGEDY. THAT'S THE FUCK OF IT ALL #but also at the same time it's so boring because actually it's just every other bad middle school relationship #where you both haven't realized you're gay yet #so. elmike. everything and nothing #stranger things #el hopper #mike wheeler #elmike

[wifegideonnav]

tbh when mitski said “you’re my best friend/now i’ve no one to tell/how i lost my best friend”

#my freshman year of college my best friend and I were both a wreck #and on opposite sides of the country #during winter break I made the decision to share certain information with their parents bc I was actively concerned for their safety #they were deeply upset about me betraying their trust like that and asked for a break in our friendship #(a few months later (which happened to be early March 2020. lol) they did shrooms and realized they wanted to talk to me again lmao) #(so we talked and cried and now we’re still best friends almost 4 years later) #and my birthday is in january so it fell right in the middle of the period we weren’t talking #and my friends at school actually put together a really lovely party and it remains to this day the best bday party ive had #(most of my bdays have been sad and shitty lol) #but i just remember being drunk in my friends dorm room with my friends all around me #it was the end of the night people were just kinda chatting in little groups or whatever #and i was lying on my friends bed just miserable bc all I could think about was how my best friend was supposed to be there too #bc my parents were going to fly them out for the weekend as a present #and obviously that just got dropped #and id been talking to my friends about it kind of but all I wanted was my actual best friend #I left them a very embarrassing drunk voicemail that THANK GOD they deleted without listening to #but it’s just. the quiet agony of being angry and sad and hurt because your person doesn’t want to be ur person anymore #and still wanting to talk to them about it. still needing them to comfort you and give you their advice and insights #i don’t want to talk to anyone else about it. they’re not you. #sigh. anyway. ive actually lost several close friends for various reasons ranging from reasonable to bullshit #and it always blindsides me how much I want to talk to THEM about it #so thanks mitski for expressing that so artfully #op