#and for the past 3 months at least literally every day has been exactly the same

[wildhosh]

seventeen as roommates

roommates-to-lovers trope warnings: mentions of food in jihoon and hoshi’s pairing: gender-neutral reader x svt genre: fluff! wc: ~1k ☆ notes: hi guys! i’ve been consumed by this for weeks. these are all over the place. close proximity is one of my fav tropes. the hoshi one gets me the most </3 enjoy!! (not proofread)

seungcheol

he comes in shirtless from a run, fixing himself a glass of water in your shared kitchen. you literally cannot look at him. the blush rushes up and threatens to spill over you. he notices. he walks extra close to you as he makes his way to his room.

jeonghan

the landlord made a mistake and double-booked your studio apartment. there’s nothing you can do about it for at least the first month because you already paid your rent. you can’t afford to find anywhere else. so it’s you and jeonghan in a singular large room; the only privacy you can get is in the bathroom. as much as you want to be mad at the situation, at jeonghan, you can’t help but notice how pretty he looks while he sleeps and how soothing his mindless humming is as he cleans.

joshua

you’re studying the same subject in university and you share a study group. the group decides to move in together but as they grow and change,  they fall out of their study habits, bar hopping almost every night, leaving the apartment alone to you and josh. your nightly study sessions turn into movie nights and cuddles on the couch. when you wake up in his arms, late for the class you share together, you have no regrets.

jun

you share a bathroom that connects your room to his. your schedules line up almost exactly, with you both getting ready at your respective sinks each morning. he always tries to talk to you while you’re brushing your teeth. you hope that maybe, just maybe, he might eventually ask you about your day when you don't have a mouth full of toothpaste.

hoshi

although you spend most of your days apart, you gather without fail every night in your room where hoshi lays on your bed, swallowed by your pillows and stuffies. you eat a snack and ramble about your days. sometimes you watch a movie, sometimes you listen to music, and sometimes you simply lay in silence. it starts to feel like home. he starts to feel like home.

you know something’s changed in your heart when you catch yourself smiling and your face growing warm at the note on the counter. something along the lines of “saw you ran out of that disgusting snack you love that i always tease you for, i’ll pick some up on the way home. love, hosh” with a poorly sketched drawing of his favorite stuffed animal in your collection eating said snack.

wonwoo

you needed a place to live and your friend is like well there’s an extra room in my house. as you move in, you walk past a room playing soft music with an unknown guy inside it. your friend is just like “oh yeah that’s wonwoo. don’t mind him.” but his soft, shy glance at you from across the room as he turns the page of a book you love makes it difficult to put him out of your head.

jihoon

he’s literally never home, always coming in during the wee hours of the night and leaving before the sun rises. yet when you do see him, you're drawn to him. he has a charm to him, and you start to love simply sleeping under the same roof as him. you feel bad that he’s always working so you start to cook dinner for two, making sure the meal will keep well in the fridge, eating your own portion, and packing the other in a dish that you put in the fridge. you leave a note on the counter before you go to sleep: "jihoon, for you. eat well and take care of yourself." i wish you could see the soft smile that grows on his face as he reads his name written in your handwriting.

dokyeom

you’re new to the city, his friends have all moved away. he’s the only one left in the city when you move into the room that used to be his friend’s. he was worried he would be lost without them, but showing you around the city and sharing your nights together fills his heart more than he ever thought it would. you make it worth staying.

mingyu

he’s scared of storms. you aren’t. on a particularly rainy week, he feels like he’s going insane. he swallows his pride on the third night of constant thunder and knocks on your door. you’re shocked at his urgency and disheveled state. “i can’t sleep,” he deadpans, pushing by you into your room, taking a seat in your desk chair, and running his hands through his hair. whether it’s reading him a book, watching a movie or listening to music with him, or talking to him, you calm him down. he needs you, and you don’t mind being needed.

minghao

he’s a recluse honestly. he isn’t 100% comfortable with you so you only really see him every now and then, whether it’s in the kitchen cooking up a single-serve dinner to take back into his bedroom or throwing his clothes in the laundry really quickly (he doesn’t separate lights and darks) before retreating again. it’s for this reason that it shocks you when he invites you to join in on a game night with his friends. he catches himself smiling at your interactions with his friend, heart warmed by your giggles.

seungkwan

he’s your best friend before moving in together and remains your best friend. expect him to be on your bed every night telling you everything about everything. the proximity has you noticing things you never have before, like the way his eyes sparkle in the dim light of your room and how they refuse to leave your face as you tell him about a new song you like. your breath quickens as the butterflies in your stomach threaten to break out.

vernon

you get used to the bass lightly bumping through the walls. home feels empty without it. it’s when you find out that the music he plays is his own that everything changes for you. the music isn’t home. he is.

chan

your undergarments end up in his laundry somehow. he is too scared to give them back to you. after about a week of missing them, you have to ask him if he’s seen them. he pulls them out of the top drawer of his dresser. when he sees the curious look on your face with your eyebrows furrowed together, he blushes profusely, rushing to explain himself. you just giggle at him.

#seventeen reactions #svt reactions #seventeen imagines #svt imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt scenarios #seventeen #svt #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #🐯: anna’s writing #mingyu fluff #seungcheol fluff #vernon fluff #wonwoo fluff #hoshi fluff #minghao fluff #jun fluff #dino fluff #jeonghan fluff #joshua fluff #seungkwan fluff #woozi fluff #dokyeom fluff

[emerxshiu]

FORGOTTEN LAND'S SECOND ANNIVERSARY :3

I AM SOOOO BACK

I started this drawing yesterday around afternoon and finished it just a few minutes earlier.

I went with a messier type of drawing instead of more clean like the elfilin one from yesterday, i find it fun doing it like this, mostly cause i dont have to worry about making it perfectly so i dont get as frustrated as normal. Id place this one as my second best digital drawing. im pretty sure i havent posted what i consider my best digital drawing here, tho i do have it in instagram, i might post it here one day, tho these two are way too tied up, i love how this came out, its not exactly like how i imagined it but its really close to it, and also itd say that since i dont tend to play around lighting that much, this was such a joy to draw and i cant help but stare at it a lot, at least until i start hating it because i made quite a lot of errors. i also changed my elfilis gijinka just a tad bit from last time, but its not that big of a difference, mostly.

ofc i had to draw elfilis for forgotten land's anniversary, i tend to deny it in my head but yeah they're my fave of the kirby characters even tho i hate them a bit. I wanted to draw some more doodles, like, elfilis eating cake, kirby car, a bunch of other stuff (not elfilin cuz i already drew him yesterday) but when i tried i couldnt draw anything more, guess this drawing burned me out a lot, huh?

you can definitly tell i spent all the efforts on him cuz if you look a bit closer to the bottom part you'll see its almost barely detailed, but i mean, they're the focus so make sense i guess for me not add that much detail there. um also, maybe because i dunno i had OVER 130 LAYERS jeez no wonder firealpaca was slowing down so much, i need to manage my layers better next time, tho i did do something i keep forgetting, wich is naming them (most of them at least) that was a real life saver

Also, antares (fecto elfilis' spear/cadaceus), as always, was a pain to draw, but this time its probably been draw the most accurate out of every other drawing ive made with it in it, i didnt notice it was like, a little curved when it reached the blade

some close ups since his face is a bit hard to see

silly :3

fun fact! actually, this is technically a redraw, somewhere around between february and march i started a fecto elfilis drawing for the first anniversary, but i couldnt finish it in time, and i never finished it

thats...quite the improvement! (i remember being so proud of it)

also his wings are like that cuz i did not want to draw the pattern, its way too hard, i literally copy pasted it, wait, i was talking about the 2024 version but i looked at the 2023 one and i just noticed it also has the pattern copy pasted, i guess some stuff never changes since i still abuse the ctrl+c ctrl+v to this day

Also i ended up making a huge error there, i was planing to add the phantom spears from orbital pulsar (the attack he does first when you battle them at lab discovera) but theres an innacuracy, when they do the attack, they always close their eyes, i had actually sketched him (well i mean both these drawings are basically the first sketch (2023) or second sketch(2024) with some color, shadows and lighting. i didnt do lineart in the 2024 one cuz i wanted to be a bit like the og i made (too bad i sketched that one with black since the og was sketched with white due to me drawing the bg first)) with his eyes closed but them decided to make them open for a reason i cant remember, maybe i thought itd look nicer? idk

ive had the idea of redrawing this for quite some month now so it was kinda already planned

background cuz i think it came out really pretty

doesnt have the little stars since without elfilis and the structures it looks fucked up. the actual sky in game is more blue, but the clouds have some orange, in the 2023 ver. i made the sky orange, and in the 2024 ver i wanted it more accurate, but i didnt wanna loose the orange sky, so i did a gradient. pretty...

also here's a screenshot i took when i was like halfway trough it, its barely noticeable but i changed his mouth in the final drawing

I really love katfl, like a buncha whole lot, its basically almost my first mainline kirby game. 100% the demo, finished the game in almost one day, i literally play it monthly, like, every month i put the card in my switch, start it up, get morpho sword, and go shred elfilis in lab discovera. i would probably not even be here on tumblr and the kirby fandom if it werent for it. and i love it so much i genuinly cannot express how much i like it and treasure it with words or anything

Thank you for reading my unnecesarily long rambles lol

I hope i'll post tomorrow and dont forget like usual

Jambuhbye!

#art #fanart #kirby #kirby fanart #kirby gijinka #silly #digital art #firealpaca #fecto elfilis #fecto elfilis gijinka #my wife fecto elfilis and his new drip #yep changed them again #fecto elfilis lives in my head rent free 24/7 #fecto elfilis fanart #kirby and the forgotten land #katfl #katfl spoilers #katfl second anniversary #kirby and the forgotten land second anniversary #katfl fanart #kirby and the forgotten land fanart #please reach a lot of people i spent way too much effort on this drawing #kirby series #kirby elfilis #kirby of the stars #:3333 #:3 #digital artist #artists on tumblr #small artist

[steamberrystudio]

27/08/2023

So now that Gilded Shadows is wrapping up, I am promoting When Stars Collide from "Spare time project" to "Part time project"

What is the difference? Well, when I work on something in my spare time, that means it is late at night or the weekend. Literally when I am not doing anything else and just feel like tinkering with it. 

As a part time project, this means that I will be spending an hour or two each day during the work week to do things for this project. It will start making more steady progress even if I'm not focusing on it full time.

This is basically taking it from me spending 0 - 4 hours on it a week to 8-10 hours on it a week. 

My goal is to have the draft complete before the end of the year (by 'draft', I mean 'rough draft'). But more on that below.

Summary

Finished all scenes for the new chapter three

Finished Yren chapter 6 scenes

Started catching Kav's route up to the others

Edited Asher's CG to account for the new conference room BG

Small adjustments to Wil's first CG

Ramble

This week my big focus for WSC has been on writing. As I mentioned, I really want to get the rough draft completed by the end of the year. Currently the draft is nearly 70% complete (for those following updates in multiple places, when you see different percentages....it's because I've written more since then. Rofl).

Now, the draft was nearly 70% in the past as well but I added another route since then, so I lost some progress due to the increase in target word count. I'm also calculating things more precisely now as I created a newer and fancier writing spreadsheet to track my progress and keep myself on track.

I went back and wrote in the new chapter 3, reorganising all the existing chapters and scenes to accommodate it. 

I finished Yren chapter 6 (which catches him up to Noel and Raif). 

And now I'm working on catching Kav, the new character, up to Yren, Noel, and Raif. (Remember, Daaz and Asher's routes are already fully drafted).

I have written about 15000 words since my last update here. I don't expect to write that much every week and my goal is actually a fair bit more modest than that. Gilded Shadows is not 100% complete yet. I still have multiple KS related things to finish and, of course, I will be making corrections and focusing on its beta testing once testers have had a bit more time with it. 

WSC is still a part time project. This was just a particularly good week for it.

I have also worked on a few other things for WSC - mostly UI related and some art related things.

I received a new BG since my last update, and realised that...I have to revamp all the existing CGs. Or at least update them to change the background elements. I've only edited one so far but I don't think it'll be too much effort to fix the others.

And I continue to streamline and adjust the UI to make it look nicer and be more efficient.

So...

Kav. The new character. Kav'isari Tiaine, a Ka'mérian crew member who works in the space labs most of the time and specialises in identifying alien technology (what species it belongs to and what it does).

To explain where Kav came from, he actually popped into my head months ago. And every so often, I would contemplate whether or not I wanted to add him. I would say I first had the idea in January or February of this year. I would repeatedly think about it and dismiss it.

I then mentioned it to a friend sort of off-handedly back at the very beginning of June. A month and a half later, I mentioned him on a voice call on my server knowing full well that if I really talked about him and had a conversation about him, I would probably end up doing enough character brainstorming that he would become "real." And I talked about him anyway.

And that's exactly how he became an actual character. I think I had his sprite sketched out by the end of that day.

But he had existed as a concept long before that. The main reason I was willing to add him instead of ruthlessly telling myself no is just that I felt there was a gap in the cast for a gadfly style character who has a little mystery to him. And I just knew I could manage another route based on the length of Asher and Daaz's routes.

So...yeah. That is how Kav came into being. His introduction into the story has caused a few minor changes to standing lore or things in the prologue (just mentions of him, etc). But the changes to the currently public content of the game are pretty minor.

Kav won't actually appear in the game until Chapter 3. He gets mentioned a few times up to that point. There are some logistical considerations to his route but I have talked about those more on Patreon.

Speaking of Patreon, now that WSC is moved into "part time" status, I will be starting to slowly release some Patreon-exclusive lore posts for this game there. Like most games monetised through Patreon content, the lore posts will not be critical to having a full and complete game experience. Rather, it is going to be comprised of additional and extra lore content.

Some of the lore content released on Patreon will be in the game (such as character back stories) but Patrons will get to see it early and will get it presented in a different format.

Much of the content can be considered "extras" rather than necessary.

I will also be updating on the development progress weekly there (available to all patrons) rather than bi-weekly, and my updates there (going forward) will tend to be more detailed than the ones here.

Once episode releases start, Patrons will be able to access them before they the public releases. But backing on Patreon is not necessary to be able to play the game and get a full and complete game experience. It's just how this particular game will be monetised as I'm looking for more sustainable release styles so I can continue to make games.

That is all for this update. I will see you in a couple of weeks to talk about WSC again!

#when stars collide #updates #amare game #indie otome

[andiwriteordie]

Mike coming out to Will sometime during season 5 before they’ve confessed their feelings for each other or anything hehe

For the writing prompt requests <3 also CONGRATS ON 1500 ANDI U DESERVE IT!!

hi elli!!! oh my god this prompt 🥺 this is so sweet, and it was so much fun to write. (side note i have now written like 3 coming out stories in the span of a week so. that's fun!) also tysm!!! <3 i hope you enjoy this!

—

you pull me in (and i’m a little more brave)

Mike Wheeler has two secrets.

He’s never really been a person who has liked keeping secrets, at least not from his friends. He’s kept secrets from his parents for his entire life, so that doesn’t really matter. But Mike has always tried to be honest with his friends. After all, the Party’s first rule isn’t “friends don’t lie” for nothing.

But Mike Wheeler has two secrets, and he’s kept them close to his chest for the past couple of years.

The first secret is this:

Mike Wheeler is gay.

Yeah, that… that had been something difficult to come to terms with. It all started back in the fall of 1985 before everything went to shit and before the world started ending and before they got trapped into an interdimensional war with One and the monsters of the Upside Down. Talk about an awful time to have a sexuality crisis. 

Seriously. Mike spent… a lot of sleepless nights, absolutely terrified that his first big secret would be found out. When you’re fighting a monster who literally reaches into your brain and brings out the worst parts of you—the parts that you’re terrified to even admit to yourself—it’s really not a good idea to have this big of a secret. 

At least… at least that’s what Will said when he came out as gay, early last year.

God, he’s the bravest person that Mike knows. There’s no one braver in the world than Will Byers—not even El, whom Mike believes is really fucking brave. But El, as incredible as she may be, is also a superhero. Of course, she can bravely face monsters and government scientists and anything the world throws at her. Mike thinks he’d be braver too if he was better than Superman.

Will’s just Will though, and he’s been through so much. And yet, he makes the decision to get back up every time the world tries to knock him down. He stands up against all the monsters and the bullies and every single being that’s ever hurt him, and yet, he still manages to be the kindest, most loving person Mike has ever met. He’s never lost sight of who he is, and everything he does inspires Mike to be braver. 

There’s no one braver than Will Byers—no one better in the world than Will Byers.

And that’s exactly why Mike decides that Will Byers should be the first person in the world to learn his secret.

The two of them are sitting in Mike’s bedroom now. Earlier, he’d asked Will if they could talk—alone, he’d been quick to add. Naturally, Will had been a little bit confused, but he’d nodded and promised to come over to Mike’s room in the lab after dinner.

And so… here they are. 

Mike’s heart pounds inside his chest, and his hands feel clammy. Of all the people in the world, Will is going to be the most accepting. Everyone in the extended Party has been accepting of Will and Robin (who’d come out a few months before Will), so honestly, Mike knows he shouldn’t worry about their reactions. But still, he’s never shared this secret with anyone before, and… and it’s terrifying.

But this is Will.

And Will makes him feel brave.

So, with Will Byers’ kind hazel eyes staring back at him, Mike takes a deep breath, and he wrings his hands nervously.

And he chooses to let his walls down.

“Will… I… I’m gay,” Mike admits, his voice impossibly soft. He doesn’t dare look up at his best friend—not yet. The memories of words so cruel and so hurtful, said years ago on a day full of pouring rain and his worst mistakes, make their way to the forefront of his mind. “I… I’ve known for a while now, and I, um… I didn’t want to admit it... But I… I don’t want to hide anymore.”

Another breath—shaky and quiet this time.

Mike dares to look up, and he meets Will’s eyes. “I, um… I said some things to you when we were younger,” Mike whispers, and though his vision is a little blurry because of the tears stinging his eyes, he can still see the recognition that flashes across Will’s face. “Some really, really hurtful things… and I’m sorry, Will. I… I know it’s no excuse, but… that’s when I was first starting to realize this about myself… And I was scared, and I took it out on you. And I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

One more breath. In and out.

“I wanted to tell you first,” Mike says, his voice soft, “not… not just because you’re gay too, but… but because you’re my best friend in the entire world, Will. And I just… I trust you more than anyone else, you know? And also… because you make me feel brave enough to be myself. So… yeah. That’s it, I guess.”

For a moment, Will just stares back at Mike, as if he’s searching for… for something or trying to understand Mike better. There’s curiosity but also compassion and understanding in Will’s eyes, and before Mike knows it, he’s being pulled into Will’s arms.

“Oh, Mike,” Will whispers, holding him close. 

The embrace is warm and familiar and comforting, and God, fresh tears well in Mike’s eyes as he all but collapses into Will’s hug. Will’s arms wrap around him tighter in response, and Mike sniffles, burying his head in his best friend’s shoulder.

 “I’m so proud of you,” Will murmurs, rubbing Mike’s back gently. “God, I am so, so proud of you, Mike. You have no idea. Thank you. Thank you for… for trusting me and for being you. You’re incredible, and I’m so proud of you.”

Somehow, just like he always does, Will knows exactly what to say. He knows exactly what Mike needs to hear, and Mike can’t help the watery laugh that escapes his lips. “I didn’t really do anything,” he admits. “Nothing that you haven’t done.”

“Hey.” Will pulls back, just enough so they can look at each other now, and he smiles at Mike, gentle and familiar. “Coming out is terrifying no matter what, and it’s not about me. It’s about you and how brave you are and how incredible it is that you’re accepting who you are. So… I mean it, Mike. I’m proud of you, and thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

Will pauses for a brief moment; then, he smiles again. “When I came out,” he says softly, “Robin told me this… She said that the world becomes a better, more beautiful place whenever anybody accepts who they are and shares it with the world. So… just remember that, okay?”

Mike can’t help but smile, and he reaches up, putting his hand on top of Will’s. “Okay,” he whispers back. “Thanks, Will… Seriously. Thank you for… for everything.”

The look on Will’s face turns soft again, and for a moment, the world shrinks until it’s just the two of them. Something wildly beautiful and familiar and electric lingers in the air between them, close enough for Mike to reach out and grab it, and he nearly does.

Because, you see, Mike Wheeler has two secrets—though, he’s now shared one of those secrets with someone and is starting to find the courage to share it with others.

The first secret is this: 

Mike Wheeler is gay.

The second one is… a little more complicated than the first, and it’s this:

Mike Wheeler is in love with Will Byers.

#andi's asks #byler #byler ficlet #ok this one is the last one of the night #i probably should've gone to bed sooner but i was having fun #i'll finish the others tomorrow or sunday!

[sandinthepipes]

Hello fellow dyslexic/adhd/others who would like to enjoy fanfics through their ears, I just spent the entire day testing android apps to find one that doesn’t suck as much.

TL;DR - these two T2S, Audify

I feel like I need to share this because 90% the apps don’t even allow a web page as a source, let alone get past the log in page, and I cant be the only one who doesn’t want to download every single fic.

“Oh, but doesn’t android have a built-in text-to-speech function in the accessibility settings?” I hear you ask. Yes, but it sucks ass very badly. Firstly it only reads in the system language, so it doesn’t really work. Second, you need to highlight all that you want it to read, and seeing that I read a minimum of 15k words in a sitting, I’m not gonna do that.

Also I’m broke, I imagine you are too, but even if I wasn’t I’m not paying for this, if I did I wouldn’t even be supporting a human being, so no.

I’ll immediately break your trust with the first point, but it’s what I’ve been doing until now, and now that I know what the android mobile experience is like, I feel the need to include this. The best solution I’ve had so far (which works wonders, let me tell you) is letting Siri read them on the iPad. It’s only doable when I’m at home and it’s still an apple product, so that’s why I began the research. However the positive points are INCREDIBLE so I’m going to ads it to the list because I said so.

First of all it’s built-in and SO EASY to access, you literally just swipe with two fingers and it stars to read. It reads the punctuation, you might think that’s a given and so did I, but no. A question sounds like a question, an exclamation point does why its supposed to do, short sentences sound what they’re supposed to sound like. In apparently all the apps ever created, you won’t find any of it, just flat, monotone voices with flat little pauses. Overall excellent experience 10/10.

Cons: it’s on apple, I consider apple the same as Disney, I would love to not give them more money so that they can make the market increasingly worse. Every now and then a system update will fuck with the tts function and it will be unusable for a while. Sometimes it doesn’t like the text format on some fics. It’s not portable.

Now that we got that out of the way let us get to the meet.

Speechify - it sucks bad. At least the free version, but seen as it costs almost 10€ a month I’m not even going to consider the premium version. Fuck that. You can’t increase the speed, and as somebody who hasn’t watched a single YouTube video on normal speed since they added the function I can’t do that, too slow, I forgot what we were talking about once we get to the end of the sentence. Also you can only use those weird very robotic voices, and they’re not even that many. Don’t recommend. I felt like I had to include it since it was one of the few who allowed browser navigation and well, it’s speechify. Also you can’t t have saved more than 3 “files” per time. Doesn’t have sleep mode.

T2S - cute. It works. Again, no emotions, but it reads what it has to, nice voice selections, easy to use. The premium version adds literally nothing, they’re a good app, what they have, they give. Also you can customise the interface colour if you want. Has the sleep mode.

Audify - works exactly the same as T2S, but it saves the history and has a bit more customisation for how it reads and what it reads (which you don’t really need for ao3, but if you wanted to read, say, Wikipedia with all the notes and stuff, now you know). Has the sleep mode.

That’s all folks. Now go and be free of your reading impediment, or be free in your multitasking, or whatever you want to do. I’m done, I’ve given my datas to all kinds of shady apps, I need to go do damage control

#fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #dyslexia #dyslexic #adhd #texttospeech #text to speech #tts

[mommyzhilla]

Bad Buddy and its aftereffects

Disclaimer: this is just going to be a word vomit. Something I had been meaning to do since ages but being down with flu finally gave me the time and mindspace to do it.

My first tryst with Thai BLs started with Love By Chance and I tried.. I really tried.. but the script.. the acting were just not clicking with me.

Then came the wave of 2gether the series and that was much better.. I was at least able to complete watching the first season even though I didnt get the hype around it.. It was my second time giving up..

My third effort was ITSAY and gosh what a show that was.. I was recommending it to anyone who would listen to me gush about Billkin and PP and the director. The show was heavy on my heart.. I needed to brace myself every time I wanted to rewatch it.. I guess I have rewatched it 3 or 4 times in all these years.. It just is that emotionally heavy show for me.

But the music.. Gosh the music.. the songs.. Billkin's voice.. When I tell u Skyline and untold answer were on repeat.. Specially untold answer.. I still listen to it..

Despite my love for ITSAY and my tolerance for IPYTM.. I again took a break from Thai BLs.. and BLs in general..

Throwback to exactly 1 year back.. When I rediscovered thai BLs... let me be specific.. I discovered Bad Buddy..

My first watch.. awesome.. loved it.. listened to the songs a bit..

my bestie then suggested me Not me.. kinnporsche.. eclipse.. liked them all.. and I thought thats it..

But then I rewatched Bad Buddy.. and rewatched it the next time.. and the next.. I was literally rewatching those 12 episodes almost till April and May of this year.. for almost 6 months.. I didnt consume bad buddy.. bad buddy consumed me..

I was watching MSP and never let me go and other BLs too.. but an episode of bad buddy everyday became a need.. and this perplexed me.. I kept on having conversations with my bestie about my obsession with Bad Buddy. This level of obsession.. where I was crying listening to the BGM.. crying over a 3 min trailer.. after watching the show multiple times.. had never happened to me ever..

And apart from all this.. bad buddy was responsible for a couple of firsts for me.. first time joined tumblr.. for bad buddy.. explored ao3 and read way too many pat pran fanfics.. and also made me explore Thai music.. and my spotify wrapped is the proof.. its full of thai songs.. Bad buddy instrumental BGM.. is in my top songs..

I guess the obsession was a consequence of my failed past relationship.. which finally ended right around the time I discovered Bad buddy.. where things were very similar.. I used to call him soulmate.. but family issues made us break up after 10 yrs.. Every time I rewatch ep 11.. where Pat says to Pran that you dont leave me and fight alongside me.. I cry buckets over this one scene.. coz I didnt have anyone to fight alongside me.. may be its that.. may be it was the characters.. may be it was the magic created by p'aof.. but somewhere.. something struck such a cord that the show still has the ability to bring out emotions that I didn't know existed.. I always describe it as emotions bubbling and trying hard to break the wall and spill all over.. thats what I feel.. and sometimes they spill over.. and m left a crying mess.. No other show has made me feel this way.. No other form of media has made me feel this way.

Is the obsession still there? Not as much.. I still love a good patpran fanfic.. My top song is Just friends by Nanon which I listen to this day.. I still cry over the instrumental BGM.. But I no longer have to watch bad buddy every single day..

I dont know how much bad buddy has helped me overcome my past.. but I know its still a safe space I can visit when things get tough.. Funny how a random piece of media can have such an important share in your life.. A random show on the internet can heal you more than the living people around you.

Now that I have talked about it so much.. I may as well watch ep 6 (3/4).. fyi.. that beach scene is my fav..

P.S.. I know there would be typos and errors but I am not going to read it all back else I will not have the courage to post this.

#bad buddy #bad buddy rewatch #bad buddy the series #pat x pran #patpran #not just a random show anymore

[fiyasgideon]

As of yesterday (February 4th) It has been exactly 6 months since I commissioned @elhnrt (Lena). And it has been over 3 months since she started ignoring all of my DMs asking about the commission. 

Warning: This post was made as a way for me to vent my frustrations, and yes, to call Lena out. But, while this is a public post, I would appreciate it if no one starts harassing Lena about this on my behalf. 

Click "keep reading" to see what has happened from my end

I had first tried contacting her about the commission on October 24th through Discord, as that was our normal form of communication at the time. Despite the fact that she had not replied to my last non-commission related dm on the 25th of August I figured she was simply busy or felt the dm wasn't something that needed a reply, as she was still talking and interacting with me normally in our shared discord server.

Originally I was only reaching out to ask about the status of the commission, since I was aware at the time of the message that she was going through a bit of a rough time with her health. In the message I had sent her I had offered her some options on what to do for my commission to help alleviate some of the stress she was going through. These ranged from simply telling me she hadn't forgotten the commission, but she would need me to wait a couple of months (in which I would), or to just give me what she had already had completed at that point in time (as she had started working on the commission during a live stream the day after I commissioned her) and I would consider the transaction over.

When two weeks had gone by with no answer I decided to send a message through her main Tumblr account (the Tumblr DMs with the black background in the screenshot images below), which was the account she had sent prior finished commissions through to me in the past. I, again offered, the same deal as before. I had assumed, with the prior ignored discord dm, that she might have turned her discord notifications off. And, as she was no longer active on the shared discord server, I felt that Tumblr might have been the best way to contact her. 

When another two weeks passed with no reply I tried again with her Naruto art Tumblr account (the Tumblr DMs with the yellow background in the screenshot images below). Again, nothing. Every 2 weeks I would send a message to either of these Tumblr accounts in the hopes that I would get some form of reply. 

Sometimes I would send a message right after an emotional breakdown, wondering what it was that I did or said that could have made her start ghosting me. Unfortunately, those messages are quite clear to see in the screenshots below, as they sound pathetic from my near begging for literally any reply. 

I tried to make myself feel less guilt by convincing myself that she really had just not seen any of my DMs. That she was writing, posting art, and answering anon asks, but she just wasn't looking at her DMs. 

After 2 months of periodic DMing and crying had gone by with nothing to show for it Lena made a post to her Tumblr where she mentioned leaving for a vacation soon, and would be unavailable for contact for the 2 weeks she'd be gone. 

At this point in time I had nobody to talk to about this, online or in real life, so I had turned to a content creating discord server, mentioning the situation with my mystery commissioner, and asking them what I should do to get the commissioner's attention without making it public. Out of all the suggestions I got I had decided to go with sending more messages to each of her Tumblr accounts in the time before her departure, hoping the brief increase in messages would get her attention before she left. I also sent two Tumblr asks (off anon) to her Naruto art account, each basically asked her to please look at her DMs, as I was trying to contact her about the commission. 

The day she left for her vacation came and went, and I still had no reply. But I told myself that at least there's a chance she will see my asks the next time she goes to answer some of her anons, and maybe that will finally get her attention. 

But then, earlier this week, my hopes were dashed when she replied to two of her anons, and still, I had no correspondence from her. This basically confirmed to me that she was intentionally ignoring me, as she had to have seen my asks when she had replied to the other ones, and elected to ignore what they said.

Again, I went to the content creating discord server and asked them what I should do about this mystery commissioner. Unsurprisingly, most of them told me that I should finally make a call out post, if for no other reason than to make sure that what happened to me doesn't happen to someone else who commissions this artist.

So, with a heavy heart, I sent Lena one last message to her Elhnrt account on Tuesday (January 31st), telling her of the ultimatum should she not reply to me by Sunday (February 4th). This would give her 5 days to respond, and it would have been exactly 6 months since my commission was first accepted and paid for. 

Throughout this entire ordeal I had been following her on Twitter. Now, I don't know if she knew I was following her Twitter account or not, and unfortunately her Twitter account DMs are closed, so at no point could I have messaged her on there without making that message public. On February 2nd she had posted to her Twitter account a new picture (last image below), which looked eerily like the commission she had started for me in the art stream back on August 4th. I say this because I had asked for a commission of a "bdsm Tobirama with a gag", and in the art stream she had drawn Tobirama with his arms tied, exactly like in that picture, and with a gag, which was one of the bamboo ones (like a smaller version of what's on Nezuko from Demon Slayer).

Deciding to give this one more chance, I made a public reply to that picture that mentioned that the "picture looked a lot like the commission she started for me back in August, and is there more?" This was intended to slightly point out that she had started a commission for me, but hadn't finished it. This was also a way to try and get her attention in a more public setting, without making others aware of what was going on behind the scenes.

As you can guess, that didn't work. I still have not gotten a DM, reply, or even a reaction of any kind. Surprisingly, I haven't even been blocked. 

I don't know what happened. I don't know if it's something I did or said or if it's something she's going through. For all I know, she really has not seen a single one of my DMs, asks, or Twitter comments that I have sent her. But as of right now, as I'm posting this, I haven't heard from her since August 21st. 

Below are the screenshots of our (admittedly one-sided DMs) as not only proof, but to show that I tried not to come off as harassing her. Also added was the Twitter image mentioned above.

(Usernames have been censored simply because I don't want people going out of their way to harass her. The only account name I have mentioned is her main Naruto Art account, which most people already know about.)

#elhnrt #not sure if this will change anything #but heres hoping that it does #i just want a reply #and maybe an explanation #fiyas speaks #MadaTobi

[fimproda]

Night-blooming Jasmine

@gracetopher-week

Day 3, Fic Day

Rated R, still unfinished, set in the The Last Flowers universe after Chrisanthemum

The point is, Grace doesn’t actually know how to have sex.

Giving her history, she should. She really should. But she’s never been an active participant: in the past, with her... clients―she has to stop calling them that―she just... lay there, closed her eyes, and thought of England. Occasionally, which meant nine times out of ten, she also suffered like a dog.

Nothing more.

By now, though, she’s come to understand that her firsthand knowledge of sex has nothing to do with how sex is usually experienced; even less, with how sex should be experienced. She was too young, for starters, which is something Cecily, and Cordelia, and Anna, and everyone worth their salt never seem to stop blabbering about; moreover, she’s been sold, trafficked, stripped of her every right. She’s never had a choice.

And, maybe most importantly, she’s never truly wanted it.

Well, not until this moment, at least.

She wants it. She does, she really does, she’s ready to swear it on the Angel if need be.

She’s just not sure what she wants, exactly.

Which is why they’ve ended up here. She and Kit, that is. Sprawled on the bed in her room at the Institute, laying on their sides, kissing.

The kissing is... good. Nice. They’ve done it before, of course; as a matter of fact, they’ve never done more than that. It’s been a couple of months since Kit kissed her for the first time, and that was a good ten days after her trial, when she’d been cleared of all involvement with the whole Belial-and-Tatiana-related mess and could finally start making her peace with it―start making her amends to those she’d hurt, either willingly or not.

Kit liking her, kissing her, opening his heart up to her, hasn’t been much of a surprise.

Everything that’s happened since...

Yeah.

She should stop overthinking it. She should just do what Kit told her to, last week, and get this over with already.

Problem is, that’s a thing she has no idea how to do. To tell the truth, it’s the very reason why they’re on this bed and Kit’s hand is slowly, so slowly, making its way between her legs.

Listen...

She tried, alright?

If anything, she knows what it’s supposed to feel like. It isn’t as though she’s never come before: statistically speaking, it just had to happen, sooner or later. Mere physical stimulation can, and sometimes will, be enough. And some of her cl―abusers prided themselves on being able to bring their women to orgasm, and had a penchant for rubbing her like they were hacking at a particularly persistent stain on their fancy church clothes.

So, she has experienced climax.

And she’s never failed to hate herself for it.

She’s perfectly aware that that’s the problem. And, as she’s told Kit half an hour ago, the only solution is for him to―quite literally, as it turns out―take the matter into his own hands.

She knows he’s an overthinker, just like her. She knows there’s a fat chance neither of them is going to get anything out of this. But she’s used to yielding control, she’s done it all her life, and she isn’t―yet―able to function in any other way.

The silver lining is that Kit has already had her remove her undergarments, which is a step further than where she’s taken this when she made her failed attempt. She’s still got her dress on: he doesn’t want her to be naked in front of him, not when it could be uncomfortable for her. Besides, with the fire having wilted down to embers hours ago, the room is chilly.

The goosebumps starting to show on her skin have nothing to do with the chill.

Kit’s lips are a kiss away from hers. His eyes are half-closed, as though he’s squinting to be able to look at her. (He doesn’t have his glasses on; she removed them as soon as he came into her room. But he’s near-sighted, so his vision should be good).

He’s staring at his hand on her inner thigh, she realizes. She’s willing to bet he’s as tense as she is over what they are about to do. What he is about to do.

“Kit,” she whispers, not even knowing why she spoke in the first place. Maybe it’s because she wants to reassure him. Or maybe it’s because she wants to reassure herself.

“Grace,” Kit echoes, the tips of his fingers drawing circles on her skin, his free arm sliding underneath the pillow on which both their heads are resting. “What do you want me to do to you?”

She lets out another, “Kit,” and it’s halfway between a scoff and a plea. “If I knew that, I would have succeeded in doing this myself.”

They make eye contact. Kit’s pupils are dilated, the violet of his irises reduced to little more than a ring around ever-growing black. He wets his lips, opens his mouth, inhales... and stays silent.

He’s at a loss for words.

Her third, “Kit,” is barely a breath. Soft. Acknowledging his worry, his unease, his feeling of being inadequate. “Whatever you do, I’m going to like it.”

She wants to eat her words the very second they leave her mouth. It was the wrong thing to say.

And indeed, a shadow falling on his handsome, boyish face, Kit replies, “How can you be so sure?”

“Kit.” She can’t get enough of saying his name, tonight. It grounds her, reminds her of who she’s with. “I chose this. I chose you.”

The title, Night-blooming Jasmine, refers to a work of the same name by Italian poet Giovanni Pascoli, which you can find here in the original Italian and a pretty good English translation. Pascoli wrote it for the wedding of a good friend of his, and it's obvious from the text that the poet thinks of sex as something violent, not gentle, something that crushes the petals of the flower ("si chiudono i petali un poco gualciti").

My co-author @zoyalannister learned to hate this poem in school (it's taught, at the very least, during the last year of high school), but I think it's a perfect metaphor for Grace's past and her journey in The Last Flowers.

Come check out the series if you hate yourself and want to suffer!

#gracetopher week #gracetopher #grace blackthorn #christopher lightwood #kit lightwood #ao3 #read on ao3 #ao3 writer #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #my writing

[chthonicgodling]

speaking of Hades’ flower ring I am actually COMICALLY bad at remembering accessories AND little details for the whole Elysium cast - rearchiving the whole backlog made me realize that lmao. I’ve only just recently within the past few years made a concentrated effort in actually drawing Tory’s forearm tattoos, and even more recently than that remembered that Ty and Bel respectively wear earrings - but like, the compilation of other little things that I just. :( forget to draw??? its????? I REALLY should get better with this???? EXAMPLES-

1. Everyone should be wearing wedding rings lmfao. hello. hello. HELLO. okay I have been making an effort to draw ChalBel & Tybby engagement rings and that’s all the more reason to like aCTUALLY DRAW EVERYONE ELSE’S??? Laphi’s is a claddagh since Jesse is a mortal import 🥺 the only canon exception is Eury, whose divine occupation involves rooting through corpses and so if he wore a ring it would be. uhh lost. I do choose to believe he has one and keeps it in the mouth of the vulture shawl lol

2. Chal and Libby are CONSTANTLY giving Bel and Ty jewelry for every holiday and anniversary, I DO at least draw Bel’s black stud earrings and Ty’s white stud earrings (also gifts from respective partners!) but I only remembered that a few months ago AHHH. Bel has a necklace with one of Chal’s feathers on it - one of the old gray ones 🥺🥺 - I DID draw this many times and uhh. have forgotten since. Missing is several other bracelets including evil eye motifs. Tory makes all this for them by request :)

3. ….Also Bel’s supposed to have visible discolored scarring on his forearms??? From That Time Maci accidentally set him on fire???? yknow???🤪Somehow I’ve never ONCE drawn this and if anything else I really need to sTART dOING THIS ONE AAHH—

4. Once again something that I draw ~sometimes~ but this one I’ll allow bc it’s only ~sometimes~ relevant - in addition to the choker necklace Maci should also ~sometimes~ be wearing a little key on a chain. uhhHHH NO FURTHER DETAIL ON THAT ITS/,,, Maybe exactly what you think (maybe exactly what you think AND THEN dial it 20% raunchier thanks). like I said this one comes and goes but uhhh….. uhhhhhhh well I certainly should be drawing it LATELY. passed between her and Tory actually. Ahem.

the way th at I literally had this meme already made I—

5. BUT BEYOND THAT THOUGH Maci does have another necklace that she’s usually wearing, she actually has a divine crest emblem as a goddess it’s a narcissus on fire. Tory made a little pendant of it as a necklace and she’s SUPPOSED to be wearing that,,?? Well all necklaces fall into her cleavage so just the chain at least but hh still

6. Epi has a bracelet he’s supposed to be wearing that’s magically infused to help him control his uncontrollable shapeshifting in times of Extreme Emotion,…….. particularly one specific extreme emotion. or activity, rather. Prior to having this bracelet custom made, EVERY single time Epi had sex he’d shapeshift into his feral daemon form which isn’t necessarily that bad if you are into fucking daemons (and everyone is!) except daemon Epi IS prone to spontaneous mauling so it’s not even a cosmetic thing it’s just a safety thing. Eury has never cared for the record and he’s the only one safe from that anyway lmfao that uhhh. was just for the purpose of sleeping around with the rest of the palace

7. charon has full tattoo sleeves all moths and lanterns and I have never andprobably WILL never draw it it’s sooo OoOo much aaAAHHG//

8. Alena has a little snake ring that allows her to shapeshift and disguise her snake tail if she twists it! This is primarily used for the purpose of shifting topside when hunting for mortals to eat 😌

I’m sure there’s more but 😬 these are the ones I’ve clocked recently so!! OOPS!!! maybe I’ll….. fix it….. all of it……… one day…….. but use ur imagination when looking at my art pretend all of it is there ty ty

#RAMBLING ONE AM! #oc talk #long post / #ask to tag : #the key is🫥……… how kinky is everyone here ARE you all picking up what I’ve been putting down lmfao

[gentlenotes-moved]

So glad to hear that you finally have answers! I'm sure it's gonna make everything at least a bit easier to deal with! I hope that whichever plan of action your doctors now decide to take works quickly and without any problems for you. Beautiful souls like yours don't deserve to be in agony 😓😣

And don't you even dare feel guilty for not coming on Tumblr much now. Your health, physical and mental, is the most important thing!!!

(Me? I've been... existing 😅)

(also, I didn't realise we were mutuals until like a minute ago lol)

first of all, so sorry for the late response! and even if you are just existing, i hope that this existence is treating you gently and lovingly 💗 (and yeah! we're moots now yay!! <3)

but yeah, a definitive answer is really nice. a few days ago they actually sent in a letter saying: "visceral hypersensitivity/overactive nerves sending inappropriate signals to the brain. There is actually no acid reflux." he said it's best treated with low dosages of antidepressants. he also recommended me to get testing done for gastroparesis, and if that comes back "unremarkable", we'll focus treatments on functional dyspepsia.

i have noticed lately that i have had really bad brain fog, esp since this has all started. i've been having a really hard time concentrating, almost constantly fatigued, zone out a fuck ton more than i usually do, and am asking people to repeat themselves quite literally every time they speak, because it all sounds like absolute gibberish. also, (tmi warning), in the past 4 months, i have only had one (1) period that lasted one (1) day. one day. it wasn't even a heavy flow either. my last regular period was when the day this whole situation started, in late november. and i'm currently exactly 3 weeks late for one. like i get the cramps and everything that you get with a period, except the blood.

so... i think this whole brain and nerve thing is going a LOT deeper than just my dyspepsia like systems. i haven't brought any of this up to my doctor, but the next time i see her, i'm gonna. but i have no damn clue what i'm gonna do at this point tbh. (personal/family rant incoming)

my dad is one of those extremely die-hard conservative trumpers, and a MASSIVE conspiracy theorist (just search up qanon; it'll explain everything i'm about to tell you). he was extremely against me getting the endoscopy, saying that my mom and i didn't mention me getting anesthesia (i did mention multiple times throughout the week before I got it done bc he was so damn worried), and him and my mom fought the morning I got the endoscopy done, just before we left.

when we got back, it was absolute hell for about a week, for my mom and i both. he told me that we betrayed him and that someone 'gave me permission' to not follow his instruction (I am 18 when he tells me this btw). then he said that if my mom and i ever question his rules or instruction again, he'll leave us or, worse, [a threat that i don't feel comfortable sharing here] for a week, he accused me of working for my mom's past sexual abuser, and of things i also don't feel comfortable sharing here. and then a week later, everything is perfectly fine. just like that. i'm used to extremely sudden mood and emotion changes in this family; i've been dealing with it for about a decade now (verbal abuse followed by lots of affection through words and gifts over and over). but this isn't my problem at the moment.

throughout the week, i also told him that i considered surgery for my gerd. he then proceeded to tell me that if i even considered doing that, or whatever the doctors say, i'm a retard, and that i clearly don't need him anymore (bc im not following his instruction) and he'll just leave us. and that we don't need him, we just have to "say the words" and he'll be out. so.

when we got this letter, he kept on saying how dumb and uneducated my doctors are (my dad's a high school drop out btw). i don't exactly remember what he said, but it was something to the effect of me needing to drink more water and eat healthier food, but I told him that's what we started with when i found out I had gerd and IBS 5 years ago, and it did nothing. he stood there, silent, for a solid 10 seconds before saying "......you know antidepressants can change your change you and fuck you up forever, right?". and at that point i just kind of gave up.

also my mom was attempting to explain the letter to my dad in the car ride home from picking her up from work, but she said he kept yelling and interrupting her, and just not listening to any explanationa she had to give; i wasn't there for that part.

but in conclusion: i know i'm 18 and can make my own decisions. i know he can't legally stop me from anything now. but for some stupid, insanely stupid reason, i just subconsciously hold my dad's validation more important than my lifelong health.

i even told my mom about all of this, that i'm stuck between my dad's acceptance and my lifelong health, but i also can't seem to say anything either way that will make him happy. And she just said "we'll you're fucked (with making my dad happy), either way, right? why don't you pick the one that comes with you being healthy?" and that actually straightened it out a bit for me.

but like. i still feel IMMENSE guilt whenever i do something that displeases or angers him even in the slightest. i don't know why im hanging my entire self worth one person, him, and i know just how fucked up it is. but it's like i can't stop. i just... i don't know. the situation just seems to be 'do i take care of myself, and him be angered towards me/leave me, or do i neglect my better judgement for the acceptance of my father?'

so that's what i'm currently dealing with at the moment lmfao. thank you so, so much for the ask, and i'm sorry the response was a college final essay. i sincerely hope with all my heart that today/tonight treats you well. 💞

#mine #personal #asks 💌 #girl that writes #did i mention that my dad's side the family has a deeply embedded history of paranoia #and multiple different mental illnesses and personality disorders lol

[ener-chi]

Recently I have been going under a radical period of self discovery and it is just. Wild.

Idk I have been having a hard time digging into some stuff on my blog cuz of how personal my Path has become but I think that really it has nothing to do with my blog and more to do with the fact that I have a hard time talking about myself in general?? But I think I know why.

First and foremost, and definitely the biggest thing that I've been dealing with - I'm autistic. ASD. I am only recently discovering and exploring this.

I've always dealt with sensory issues and overstimulation - especially with sound - and I wasn't sure where it was coming from. If it weren't for this fact, I wouldn't have looked into this at all. But the fact of the matter is I'm sensitive, I get overstimulated, and it HAS to come from SOMEWHERE, right?

I looked into me being autistic once and did only surface level research and then kind of laughed it off. Then maybe 3 or so months ago I considered it more seriously and. Yeahhhhhhhhhh

Things just started to add up and click into place. I have other sensory issues and Textures that make me 😤 while I do think I was depressed at one point in my life, I think that most of my depression was actually Autistic Burnout. Actually, this graphic was MONUMENTAL for me realizing all of this in the first place:

One thing that I really struggled with though is that. I'm good at socialization? And have good social skills?? Like that's why I went the past 25 years without even considering this in the first place. But this leads me to what I've been dealing with for the past couple weeks: Maskingggg

Hooo boy. Turns out I am NOT good with social things. Or at least not as good as I thought. Like for example this is something I've known about for years and didn't think about: I don't know how to comfort people?? Like I literally had to GOOGLE how to comfort people, and things to do and say, and to this day I still do those things, albeit uncomfortably.

Turns out the biggest source of my anxiety is actually due to masking. I spent basically every single conversation/social situation thinking "what is the correct thing to say/do here?" A lot of it was figuring out the "correct" thing to do so that people don't get upset. Yeahhhh that's... not good. It took up SOO much of my energy. Like I did that all day/every day. Exhausting.

I've been working on unmasking lately, and it's crazy to see just how much I actually masked. Masking bad sounds/stimulation (shoving down those feelings), forcing myself to endure overstimulation, SMALL TALK (god I hate small talk sm), BURN OUT.

I mean I've been so ungodly busy for months. But I've been masking and pretending that everything is fine for a while. As soon as I dropped that facade and let me actually see/feel how burnt out I was, I immediately crashed alsksjdh I've called out the past two days at work. I needed it.

But here's the thing: figuring out that I'm autistic and learning exactly which ways I am has helped my life IMMENSELY. You can't fix or deal with a problem if you don't know what it is in the first place. Delving into all of this not only has given me more validation, but it's given me tools to navigate the world more healthily and also with more energy.

For example, overstimulation!! Now that I know what things cause overstimulation for me, I can avoid those things, and avoid that. Sometimes I can't avoid overstimulation, though - but that's okay! Now that I know I'm autistic, I've learned from other people how to deal with it - spending time in an understimulating environment and doing some special interest stuff.

Soo yeah. Honestly I could talk about this for hours - it's been a very big part of my life lately. But something that is interesting to think about with all of it that I might make another post about sometime is how I think that blends with my spirituality, and my Path.

One other thing I wanna mention that is veryy new that I don't have a whole lot of thoughts on yet but I need to get out somewhere - I think I'm non-binary??? Yeah okay this post has gone on long enough. I'll talk about that another time.

Anywho. If you're still reading this - I hope you have a wonderful night!! 🥰

Blessings!

#mine #about me

[mlobsters]

supernatural s14e12 prophet and loss (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

feel like i'm just grinding through s14 at a decent pace. several times now they've made me had minor (to moderate) breakdowns and i just want to keep plowing through because i don't want the breakdowns to last more than one day 🫠 been a long time since a season made me cry so much. and especially with mid-season episodes? but it feels more.... hm. calculated. like when i bitched about 4 months suddenly equals 40 years in hell etc.

ranted about it in 9x09 because i don't think i was making my feelings known here for every episode back in s4

instead i just sighed because “trust me, kevin” and “i always end up screwed :)” so now dean’s gonna feel guilty. he’s already feeling guilty enough, did we need that too? when they push too hard on the excessive dean whump, i get annoyed. like the whole 4 months=40 years, i enjoyed torturing people, etc. edgelord bullshit :P

except instead of getting mad about it being edgelord bullshit now, i'm just feeling brokenhearted and manipulated. very not fun times. it's too much too close together to the jack thing and too similar to things they've done in the past, i think. is why it's pushing me away so hard.

dean's nightmare in the box / suicidal deathbed-esque convo also with interstellar-ish music / interstellar cornfield chase (c. hans zimmer) played by anna lapwood on the organ

well. dean's nightmare was awful. shades of him in hell calling out for sam. cannot fucking wait until this particular plotline gets snuffed out. and because i can't deal with not comparing this interstellar-ish music (it's in both spn scenes) i tacked it on to the end of this video too.

SAM Oh, hey. Didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry. DEAN No, it’s just a… bad dream. It’s fine. SAM You want to talk about it? DEAN No, I’m – No, I’m okay. DEAN What’re you doing? Why don’t you get some sleep? SAM You know, Dean, you don’t have to act like what you’re planning to do is just business as usual. I-I know you’re scared. DEAN Never said I wasn’t scared. But it doesn’t matter. SAM Doesn’t matter? We know we could die, uh, doing what we do. It’s always a possibility. But what you’re talking about is far worse than death. Michael’s an archangel. He could literally keep you buried in a coffin, alive, forever. DEAN Okay. I get it. But what’s the other option, huh? Michael gets outta my head and ends the world? ‘Cause it’s all right there in Billie’s book. SAM Yeah, but that’s only if we don’t find another way to take Michael off the board, and there has to be another way. DEAN And what is that other way? [SAM says nothing.] DEAN Exactly.

(but at least he wasn't sleeping in his jeans this time. oh and they're in an actual normal mid-price generic hotel room)

this reminds me a lot of the conversations in s5 about sammy going in the cage.

and like when i was watching the old guard, i'm like ah yes, stuck in a coffin in the ocean drowning over and over because you're immortal - i have heard this story before! on the vampire diaries! someone... stefan?? was stuck in a ...... safe? and pushed into a lake to repeatedly die and revive. 500 years and 3 months, respectively.

well this rando dude torturing and drowning a woman scene, also awful. jesus. we're committing to darker-than-usual i guess

CAS Sam. Maybe if I spoke with Dean… SAM It wouldn’t matter. Believe me, I-I I’ve never seen him like this. He won’t listen to me. H-He just – No. If we don’t find some way… Dean’s gone.

that interstellar-ish music again...

DEAN You ever think about when we were kids? SAM Maybe. Yeah, sure. Sometimes. W-Why? DEAN I know I wasn’t always the greatest brother to you. SAM Dean, you were the one who was always there for me. The only one. I mean, you practically raised me. DEAN I know things got dicey… you know, with dad… the way he was. And I just… I didn’t always look out for you the way that I should’ve. I mean, I had my own stuff, you know. In order to keep the peace, it probably looked like I took his side quite a bit. Sometimes when I was… when I was away, you know it wasn’t ‘cause I just ran out, right? Dad would… he would send me away when I really pissed him off. I think you knew that. SAM Man, I left that behind a long time ago. I had to. And if we’re gonna get through this, I-I have to do like you said and… try and keep my mind off of where we’re going. So, if we could not have conversations that sound like… deathbed apologies, I would really appreciate it. DEAN Right. Yeah.

listen i know this gets resolved somehow and i'm not gonna bail on this fucking project with a little more than a season left but i can't express how much i don't want to watch something that's making me cry so hard my head is killing me (more than it was already) on a regular basis. this is too many things that cut too close to home with characters i'm too attached to. sigh.

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 14x12 #brad buckner #eugenie ross-leming #spn clip #spn musical score #spn interstellarish music #christopher lennertz #tim wynn

[quaranmine]

playing doctor on myself this morning with google and losing my mind just a bit

i keep. over the course of the last two years at least. randomly getting these blotchy red rashes on my torso. they don't itch or hurt, they aren't raised, and they seem completely random. i cannot figure it out or any link between it appearing. It will typically last several hours. they do not go on my face, neck, or limbs, just the torso. i don't think theyre like dangerous??? because i assume that if they were i would have some adverse reaction like pain, fever, swelling, etc. so that is why i have not been overly concerned with it. but it is baffling me. now sometimes in the past i have gotten extremely itchy for no reason on my torso, so maybe that's a factor, but the itchiness does not always coincide with the rash. for example, today there is none.

the thing i'm interested in today though, is if it's some sort of drug allergy rash. because it always looks exactly like the rash i got last year when i took paxlovid for my covid infection. the doctor told me that's a common (harmless) reaction. i've looked it up and it looks most like a morbilliform drug reaction which are very common. so, if morbilliform drug reactions look and behave like that, i had that reaction to taking a drug, and a doctor told me it was a reaction to the drug then....

...it stands to reason that my experiencing this off and on for 2-3 years might ALSO be a similiar reaction? i just can't figure out the common thread.

one of my meds is implicated as a cause for this type of rash, and has studies/journal articles on it causing this. EXCEPT. um, it happens when you are first introduced to taking it??? and like dude i've been taking this particular medication since 2016 probably. i'm sure anything is possible (like developing new sensitivies) but nothing i have read is about reactions popping up YEARS after the fact, just within 1-3 weeks of starting it. i saw a study done on someone who developed the rash after taking the medicine, but 5 days after first taking it. i saw another study/journal article that was written as a diagnostic aid that literally excluded any drugs you'd been on for a few months as not the cause. so??? idk. my other medicine does not seem to be implicated in this, as when i looked it up i didn't really get anything.

i'm no biochemist or whatever but i can't seem to find any similarities between my med and paxlovid? like ok, we've established that either the nirmatrelvir or ritonavir that is in paxlovid likely caused it. that's what the doctor said. he said my reaction was a common one to one of the drugs in that mixture, which lines up with everything i have read. but afaik these drugs arent like....similiar to the one i have been taking...it isnt like "oh these are the same drug class so maybe your issue is with them"....

the other (relevant) drug implicated in these types of reactions are NSAIDS. now this could be something. i did take ibuprofen yesterday, and woke up with the reaction. is that it? i'm going to start logging it every time it happens to see if it ever coincides with me recently taking ibuprofen. BUT LIKE. i take ibuprofen pretty frequently, mostly for headaches. this reaction might only happen once every two or three months. i feel like if i were getting a reaction from ibuprofen it would happen every time, not just once in a blue moon?

so why am i experiencing it today???? i'm not wearing any clothing made from atypical materials. i havent used any new shower products. i havent tried any new medicines for a while. i havent eaten anything i don't normally have. none, except for the paxlovid rash, coincide with me being sick so i doubt it's viral.

if it IS a mobilliform drug reaction, it still seems atypical because a) i havent started anything new b) it goes away within a few hours, not days/weeks c) it isn't always itchy

WHERE IS THE COMMON LINK AND HOW DO I FREE MYSELF OF THIS?

#like i said it's not particularly worrying (no pain etc) but it does LOOK very alarming #and i'm annoyed that i have been totally unable to identify any ideas about it #i have a dermatolgist appointment in july i will bring it up then #the other thing is that if it is a morbilliform drug reaction those can sometimes take a few weeks to show up after the first interaction #so would i even know? would i ever be able to identify the culprit???? #i would love to think it's heat related but it doesnt look like a heat rash or necessarily show up when i'm overheated #medical tw

[polyamorouspunk]

How does one make friends as an adult? I could hardly do it in school, but now I've graduated and have no clue what I'm doing

My dude you are asking the wrong person I made exactly 1 friend and it was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in and it was only 6 months.

But if you find out let me know!!!

(Srs) find clubs/events going on. My mom joined a book club and throws axes in a league weekly. None of those people are friends she would like bring over or anything but before we left CT she was in a card playing group that she would spend time with outside of the actual games and two of them ended up getting married from it.

Idk though. Like I go to Pride and I went to the pride prom and it’s all fun but I don’t connect with people past the night there. I have someone I used to talk to more who literally just like every day was like “I’m going to a concert and then I’m going on a date with this friend the day after and then two days after that I’m hanging out with my group of friends and I might go to the bar and flirt with the bar tender I have a thing with” and honestly talking to them makes me miserable and I’m glad we don’t talk as much because they just constantly tell me how great their life is now that they can be out and themselves and they’re casually seeing like 10 different people etc and when I said something along the lines of “I’m not good at making friends like that” their response was “I guess it’s just different for you” which really stung because it’s like yeah it is I have at least 3 mental illnesses and I’m chronically ill and I can’t actually go out and do the things I want to do.

It’s very hard when you don’t have constant access to a big city. I live in rural North Carolina and I live half an hour from the city I work in and gas is expensive! I’ll be going back to college (hopefully) this fall in person. I met a few friends in college, one I still talk to and I actually have been talking to today and yesterday and we actually dated after I moved away but the long distance didn’t work for her so she broke it off and fuck it hurts because she is literally everything I’m looking for in a partner right now.

Dating apps don’t work for me. People are like “so you wanna meet up?” And im like no I don’t. People message me and get feelings for me and I’m like I’m not interested in you romantically. I don’t want to meet up. I just want to have the most shallow and casual of relationships where you know nothing about me really and I know nothing about you really but we just talk about how much work and life and relationships suck.

I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I’m trying so hard. It hurts. It hurts like hell. At least I have my coworkers even if half the time they hate me because I’m still clearly weird and neurodivergent and not someone they would ever be friends with outside of work. I have one coworker I actually really like and she is the closest thing I have to a friend but like I want to go to Knotfest because the closest show is literally on my birthday and I thought about inviting her for a second and then I’m like we’re all broke as fuck because we work at fucking bloodbath and beyond she’s not going to want to spend what little money she has going to see a show she has 0 internet in in another state.

The one friend I did have I made at the concert and that was because he was the kind of person who literally talked to everyone around him including me which I was awkward about because he was hot as fuck but I noticed his brother was a bit left out so I focused on his brother and made sure he had someone to talk to and then op I spent a few months fucking the dude until he went to AZ and started seeing someone else.

If it’s any consolation my mom is almost 55 and my brother is 35 and they’re both having the same issues we are.

#punk gets mail

[thewriting-corner]

Rating my old WIP’s lines

A couple of weeks ago, I think Calliope started this trend but because I have quite literally felt like death for the past two months, only until now have I felt actual energy to make this post. So, without further ado, brace your eyes and souls and be prepared to lose absolutely all respect you have for me as a writer.

Also, I had to dig into my deep dark past of Quotev novels and I deeply apologize for that. I really hope no one that knows me from there somehow found their way here lol, and if you have, please erase that version of me from your mind. That was Lu error 404 and we do not know her.

Chasing Smoke - 3/10

“I can still remember the day I crossed paths with Camila Smoke.”

Thank you buddy, that would be so much interesting if we were actually invested in your life. I appreciate the attempt at being a classic romcom, but let’s just say that those aren’t exactly classics because they’re good.

Idiot’s Guide To Falling In Love - 1/10

“Walk faster. You’re going to be late. You know they hate it when you’re late.”

No. Just, no. Why. The fact that over 2000 people read this is astounding to me because just this first line makes me want to stop writing for the rest of my life.

When The Clock Strikes Twelve - 5.5/10

“We all know the story - Cinderella, Prince Charming, the evil stepmother and fairy godmother. We know how it begins and how it ends, but do you know what happens next? Because trust me, the story doesn’t end with a magic slipper.”

This was a gender-swapped Cinderella story and as cringy as the first lines are, I still really like it. It’s definitely my old style, which is basically a 2014 CW/Freeform show but to be fair, I was 15 and at that point I still somehow believed I would marry my first love so let’s not hold my delusions against me.

The Poet - 4/10

“All I wanted to do was send the guy I like a poem, anonymously confessing my love for him on his birthday.”

This story had so much potential but with every rewrite of the first four chapters, it just always fell flat. And this first line? Come one. Boringggg. It could be worse, but it could also be SO much better.

Fearless - negative infinity/10

“I saw my phone lit up. Usually when my phone lit up it would've been one of my friends from school. Non of them was as close to me as May was but I did have really good friends from school, instead it was my mom, I was at the park, since she'd told me write down everything that had happened, the text my mom had sent me said 'Ally, come home, it's time for dinner, I don't want you being out so late', my mom knew that nothing would happen to me, but since what happened to May she was scared that I was out of the house at 3:30. I'd been more hurt than she was, but at least I wasn't paranoid about it.”

I don’t even have to say anything. This speaks for itself. 12 year old Lu did not know how to use a period.

Hope: Middle School Diary - can I retire now

“Before I start telling my story I think I should introduce myself. My name is Hope Jones and I'm 11 years old. I live with my single mom Margaret, my 16 year old sister Eva and my 4 year old brother Augustus but we like to call him Auggie or Gus. “

I-- No. I can’t. Why.

Run - plagiarism 10/10

“They said the world was different. That it wasn't exactly the most peaceful, but it was free. But those are just legends, as some people who I know have come to put it, while others believe it's history that happened as a lesson for those in the future.”

Well okay then Little Miss Brave New World and every other classic dystopia. Had I ever read a dystopia when I wrote this? No. Is it somehow exactly like every single dystopian YA I’ve ever read? 100% yes. Still a lot better than my other Quotev novels so it gets a total 1.5/10

Broken Mirrors/Midnight Zone

Okay so this one has two versions: the Quotev and the Wattpad version. You guys can bear witness to how my writing changed from 11 years old to 15 lol.

“What would you do if one day you looked at the mirror and your reflection wasn't there?” 2/10 because that just doesn’t make sense?? Though tbh I’d celebrate, ngl

“Years ago a family lived as happily as they could. To most people they were picture perfect. To others, the family hid a secret.” 3/10. I feel like the use of “as they could” really hints to the fact that they were messed up so bravo to me for that one. Still, not very interesting and if I read this in a book, I’d slam it shut.

The Wrath of Chaos - 9/10

“The end of the world began with a test.”

I truly believe this is the most iconic line I will ever write and nothing will ever convince me otherwise. It draws me in, leaves me guessing, makes me anxious and has me asking the question “what type of test?” as if I haven’t spent the last two years editing this story. Truly iconic. My headstone will wear this line.

[asachuu]

So far, what I’ve gotten from learning Japanese instead of working despite risking total collapse very, very soon:

1. I can partially read the Japanese comics that have been saved and rotting in my gallery for years now as the closest free media I can get my hands on.

2. I somewhat feel deeply cursed by point 1, purely because those comics have been saved for artworks of one single character in them, very much not the actual content itself. A silent nod to my telepathic audience is in order.

3. But god damn, do I have to admit through gritted teeth…are they entertaining sometimes.

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to read a manga to my liking…I’ve currently decided to dive headfirst into N3 vocabulary instead of all the work piled up on me that I’ll likely be explaining to hospital staff in just under a week, which— according to public opinion— is a perilous mistake, but is it worth the three seconds of pure happiness at being able to understand something, literally anything, even if it’s deeply questionable media from the depths of my storage?

Yes. Of course. I don’t care if I’m sitting here like Sisyphus trying to get the same three words I keep forgetting for two years now into my head over and over again back somewhere from N5 while knowing how to use less grammar than a watermelon. Finally, finally, it feels like everything is starting to pay off.

And yes, this does deserve a main account post. I haven’t been sitting here for so long, for years treading through endless months of absolutely no motivation, wish or energy to learn this language, let alone do literally anything else, to not post something ten times less uptight than my usual textposts when for the first time, I’ve gotten somewhere like this through my own efforts I’ve miraculously never given up on.

I suppose…if you want to do something with a goal you deem far too ambitious, it’s always worth a try as long as it drives you, and I say this as an impatient pessimist who barely ever has any hope and usually wants results immediately. Admittedly, realistically, not everything will always be possible, but nobody can tell what exactly that may be, and I thought that the point I’m at right now was unachievable. Two years ago, I was probably sitting in the same spot I’m sitting in at the moment, frustrated that I was making much too invisible progress—if any at all— and today, I can’t even explain the feeling of catharsis this provides. It hasn’t been the best day, week, month or year, and that’s the most sugarcoated understatement of the century, but despite everything, I feel almost relieved right now. Maybe it won’t last me until tomorrow, maybe it won’t get me through the week, but it was all still worth it for this moment. Even if all this time and effort meant I’d spend just one single evening feeling a tiny bit lighter…I think I’d do it again and again.

On a side note…perhaps, somewhat ironically, the reason my past self was so unmotivated and miserable is actually the reason I’ve gotten here now, in a strange way…I’ve never paid for classes, barely ever spoke to anyone from Japan, only ever kept a Duolingo streak alive to at least face the language one single time per day for less than a minute, and I pretty much studied grammar and vocabulary whenever I felt like it instead of having a set time every day for it. If that meant going weeks and months without looking at it much, so be it, I always made it something I actively chose to do at any given moment instead of doing it out of necessity. Considering I’m…well…very, very prone to burning out terribly fast, as I’ve come to find out in the most unfortunate of ways, even having a class weekly would start feeling like a stressful necessity to me I’d get tired of, but this way, albeit very slowly and frustratingly enough at times, I ultimately never truly gave up on it and never lost even the slightest ounce of interest through means out of my control, and…it still got me somewhere. Slowly, quickly, doesn’t matter— in the end, I can see I’ve gotten further than I ever believed I could, and perhaps it’s not much objectively at all, but even to someone like me, for once, it’s beyond enough.

Anyhow, do forgive the messy ramble. I private or delete most of my impulsive textposts, but perhaps I’ll keep this one for a bit longer, just for the sentiment. It’s…something to cling onto.

#text post #asachuu #I’m a bit mournful about the fact that any tiny shred of happiness just has to get drowned out #by the fact that it’s currently shoved between so many godawful things happening #but just for a little moment I need to cherish this #I hope I can find a way to come back to this feeling after this nightmare passes #maybe that’s why I’m leaving this post up even if it’s too personal for my liking