#and get my second covid jab

[joyridingmp3]

the receptionist calling me sir

🤝

my barely suppressed gender crisis

^^

in the drafts since sep 19 2021

#he got embarrassed but tried to hide it #I got butterflies #mine #my trans stuff #for context i was getting my second pfizer covid jab

[wack-ashimself]

Since I can not legally say 'in a free country' the words "I want to kill the USA president*" I will say this:

I hope every billionaire dies. And I don't care: I hope it's a drawn out (but not long), excruciating, impossible to cure, they are immobile AND incapable of communicating, death. LET THEM GOD DAMN SUFFER 10000x over what they have done to humanity. Maybe for their next couple lifetimes till the lesson sticks.

I hope every person who took or is taking bribes a billionaire dies. Legal or not (cuz it isn't moral any time). Same way they did.

I hope everyone who supports billionaires dies. Quickly. Idiots don't deserve to suffer.

Because I, myself, and millions of others are probably gonna starve to death due to billionaires. So if I die, I want ALLLLLL THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS TO DIE WITH ME.

So I heard they were requiring work requirements for food stamps. NOW. RIGHT NOW. During one of the largest unemployment times in ALL USA HISTORY, AND during what is now called the 'silent depression' which has been PROVEN WORSE than the great depression!

WHICH IS INSANE.

I have never in my life thought 'we should make the poorest most vulnerable PROVE they are poor, and EARN their FEW benefits.' NEVER ONCE. And I have had some dark, cruel, sick thoughts thru my life. BUT NEVER THAT.

Maybe cuz I grew up poor. Maybe cuz I had poor friends. Or maybe we are born on a shared planet, AND OWE NO ONE FOR THAT. NO ONE. Not a single god damn person owns this planet but we pay rent to them, cuz we were CONNED into believing it.

Anyways, they require EIGHTY HOURS A MONTH. Or you're disqualified**.

And either you have to have a job job (that, btw, YOU CAN NEVER QUIT. Seriously. It says that! You have to have a GREAT reason for leaving. FORCED LABOR. AND you can NEVER volunteer to take less than 30 hours a week if you got more than that. WTF?!)

You can VOLUNTEER for FREE work. So in other words, DO NOT GET PAID, but, get enough money in a month from food stamps for about....3 weeks. I have NEVER ONCE in my life had food stamps last the whole month. Not even when I was in CA 10 years ago. Indentured servitude, anyone?

OR you can do work training programs thru the state, to teach you USELESS SKILLS that fucking high school should have taught you. Again, UNPAID.

So 2 of the ways they want you to work is to work for free, never getting beyond just to QUALIFY getting enough food from food stamps for a couple weeks. GENIUS! <fucking morons>

But 80 hours. Mandatory. Every single month. (Btw, isn't that cutting into the BEST times of the days for me to apply for and interview for jobs? IDIOTS!)

Hey-I don't mind applying for jobs, interviews, and telling you all about them. I got tons of proof I am trying to get into the work force. I am trying to make an effort. I like security, go figure.

But I have been unemployed OVER TWO YEARS. Only THREE INTERVIEWS in those 2 years. NO JOB OFFER YET. Closest I got was a job interview requiring a covid jab, and there's no god damn way in hell you're forcing me to do something to my body in order for a job. FUCK OFF. MY BODY, MY RULES. Other they wanted me to sign an arbitration agreement, which ALWAYS FUCKS THE EMPLOYEE. It is NEVER to your advantage; they were created so LEGALLY you can't sue your employer. THAT IS IT. Seriously; look into it.

I would already be DEAD, not exaggerating, if not for the food stamp program I have right now.

So now I have to apply for ANY job, take ANY job, and have to stay there till I die or I won't get food? Never moving up? Never earning more money (cuz the second I do, I LOSE food stamps, costing me even more money?)

Even if I am mistreated to the point I am suicidal?

I genuinely would rather die than enable this evil abusive system. Sincerely.

But I'm not going to do so without a fight. And maybe taking out a billionaire or so with me. Cuz it doesn't matter how much power, protection, and secrecy they have. With enough time, thought, and planning, one bullet isn't that hard to meet it's target. Ha....and if you're smart enough, it's food poisoning anyways. They're SO fucking arrogant, they forget who makes their food and does all their work for them. <And if they get paranoid enough, they'll just quit eating and starve to death, like me.> ;)

They're pushing me to the edge, and I swear, I don't push back. I bring them down the cliff with me...if only so they can't do it to another.

So let's do this. Let's see who blinks. I have NOTHING to lose; you have EVERYTHING to lose, rich bitches.

*I promise, like they want to make homelessness illegal, and they made that solider who lit himself on fire an 'enemy' cuz he believed in anarchy (which SIMPLY means NO RULERS), they will start arresting anyone anti state. Which is ironic: if I was in jail, I'd be promised more food and shelter security, FOR FREE, paid for by the taxpayers (and costing them SUBSTANTIALLY more), than if I remained in my current situation. Oh, and don't forget, largest for profit prison population used as SLAVES. So they gain 2 ways: state pays them to imprison them THEN they get to use them as cheap labor. THIS IS AN EVIL GOD DAMN SYSTEM.

**Again, if I just went out, and knocked up ANY random woman, and she gave birth, I would be promised food stamps, no work, instantly. Love that catch. Bring a child into the world you can't afford, and we'll feed YOU. But if not, starve to death if you can't find work***. Every single thing is broken.

***This just made me realize...if you were working even...70 hours a month, they would require you to volunteer for another 10 to get food stamps. What if the volunteer work only occurs the same hours you're at your job? Jesus fuck, did NO ONE think this thru in ANY way!? It always fucking gets worse...

<Do you think even a billionaire does 80 hours a month in work? FUCK NO. But we BAIL THEM OUT every god damn time.>

#billionaire #billionaires #food stamps #food #eat the rich #eat the 1% #ebt #biden #democrats #republicans

[billdecker]

I have a Big Medical Thing I have to do tomorrow. I’ve been putting it off for months and I have a massive phobia of what I’ve got to have done and the results. If I don’t go I get kicked off the NHS patient list. I’m so scared of it I can’t even bring myself to say the d-word. It’s only the assessment but it’s going to be TERRIBLE. I need so much work done and probably dentures so even if you’re mega fucking depressed PLEASE look after your teeth pals.

But my main panic at the moment is that despite all of the hard work I’ve done getting outside again, I haven’t actually left the grounds of my flat for 2.5years, and that was for the second COVID jab. And even then I was so hysterical the nurse had to come give me my jab IN MY DAD’S CAR.

And yet on the other hand I go through periods of remarkable calm. My d-word is a wonderful lady and so kind. She’ll do her best by me. It’s down to her to give me the best treatment. My dad is taking me and my husband will be there so I know I’ll be safe.

It just feels so pathetic to be nearly 40 and so scared of the outside world

[fearless-too-and-stubborn]

it’s really hard seeing all the fran dresher posts where people are like “so what if she opposes vaccine mandates? it’s not a big deal! solidarity!”

covid permanently broke my body and ruined my life. it’s not theoretical for me. it’s not a philosophical exercise. it’s real and it’s devastating and i am constantly grieving for the person i used to be. somehow my freedom (and many, many others’) to live a full and healthy life pales in comparison to the freedom to not get jabbed in the arm for two fucking seconds.

yeah, she’s doing something good with this strike. and i support her in this. but acting like she’s some girlboss who’s going to save us all shows how little people care about the disabled and immunocompromised.

praise her for the good shit. hold her accountable for the bad. and actively wanting to strike over vaccine mandates is bad.

also? the union is made up of a hell of a lot of people, and many of them are working their asses off on this. she isn’t doing this alone.

[nathanielaaron]

German Media Realise Their Health Minister is an International Laughingstock

The Covid Inquiry is Insulting the Victims of Lockdown

Boris Johnson is Still in Denial About Lockdowns

Bristol University Axes the National Anthem from Graduation Ceremonies Amid Students’ Claims it is “Old-Fashioned” and “Offensive to Some”

Labour Parliamentarians Back Kemi Badenoch on Stopping Children Changing Gender at School

U.K. Government’s Veto of Scotland’s Gender Reforms Ruled Lawful by Top Court

News Round-Up

German Media Realise Their Health Minister is an International Laughingstock

By Eugyppius

I know that some of you are impatient with my posts about German politics, and particularly my repeated pieces on our retarded Health Minister. I get that this can seem like inside baseball, and that all of you suffer under the very similar idiocies of your own Covid politicians. But, I just can’t help myself. Lauterbach is a special case, a truly monumental idiot who in his boundless incompetence and stupidity vastly exceeds his peers. It is my aim to make him the international symbol of pandemic derangement. I want pictures of this human incarnation of everything that is wrong with masking children and force-vaccinating millions printed next to future dictionary entries on Covidianism. We have seen the enemy, and it is this sad, stupid, Smeagol-looking loser, who thinks Eric Feigl-Ding is an authority and that clip-on bowties are fashionable.

You must understand that Lauterbach is not only the dumbest federal politician Germany has ever had. He also ranks among the least competent, most bafflingly idiotic people ever to have attained prominence of any kind. He is a drunken tweeter who as Cabinet Minister once declared war on Russia. He is a dim salt-phobic eccentric whose own ex-wife declared him unfit for the responsibilities of a Cabinet position. He is a tireless advocate of mask mandates who in May 2021 was photographed totally maskless on a train to Hamburg.

He has written one of the saddest, most derivative and pointless Ph.D. dissertations I have ever read. He poses as an epidemiologist while routinely misinterpreting even the simplest scientific studies. His most memorable science fail was a tweet citing a “new American Mega [sic!] Study” showing that mask efficacy is “very great and uncontested”. His link led to a bizarre pre-print that was so bad, some concluded it had to be a hoax. When a serology study emerged showing that 95% of Germans had Covid antibodies, he denied the results meant the pandemic was over, inadvertently questioning the entire premise of mass vaccination. He spent much of early 2022 demanding that ever more people get fourth doses and even said he himself was quadruple vaccinated. Three months later he announced he had tested positive for Covid, declared his symptoms to be substantial, and then violated Berlin quarantine rules to attend a press conference, where he was stupid enough to flash his digital vaccine pass to the cameras. The QR code revealed that he had only ever received three jabs. His Ministry insisted he’d merely failed to register his second booster with the CoronaWarn app, but the next year he doubled down on his stupidity, allowing the press to photograph his physical vaccine records, showing only three doses were registered there as well.

At one point he proposed to exempt the recently vaccinated from indoor mask rules, saying that he hoped this would encourage further vaccine uptake. After polls showed that disturbingly large numbers of Germans were willing to accept quarterly vaccination for the privilege of mask exemptions, he said he’d withdraw the incentive if too many people took advantage of it. This summer, with the political relevance of Covid fading, he opened a new front against summer weather, announcing an initiative to call old people and remind them to drink water whenever temperatures get too high.

There has been such an unrelenting tidal wave of Lauterbachian moronicity that it has proven impossible to keep track of it all. He is an endless source of comedic content, a political lolcow who stumbles from embarrassing gaffe to embarrassing gaffe without ever seeming to notice. Last year, he appeared on national television and ranted bizarrely about the Stanford epidemiologist John Ioannidis and the Great Barrington Declaration. He seemed to be drunk, or perhaps under the influence of some medication, as he mashed his words about “certain scientists who are shared exponentially on social media”:

So there is exponential growth in viruses, and there is also an exponential growth in false information. You only need a few scientists for this… In the case of Corona, for example, there was a scientists who used to do very good work but has now drifted off course. A Stanford scientist, Ioannidis, made a declaration, the Great Barrington Declaration, which basically said that the virus is not that dangerous, that it’s not killing people, that flu can be more dangerous and so on, a lot of things that just aren’t right. And this has been quoted incredibly often by these people, who are out there, and there are just far too many of them, who would like to hear the relieving message, “it’s not really that bad, we don’t have to do anything”.

The rant escaped notice at the time, but was recently unearthed by my Twitter friend @tomdabassman, who uploaded the clip with English subtitles. He tagged Stanford medical professor and Great Barrington Declaration co-author Jay Bhattacharya, who could hardly believe his eyes. Almost everything in Lauterbach’s rant was wrong, and he said so in a tweet that has now been viewed almost a million times:

Now, for better or worse, Germany looks up to America and prizes American academic culture. When a Stanford professor criticises the German Health Minister, the German press take notice.

First was a modest article in the Berlinzer Zeitung – ‘Harsh criticism from abroad: “Lauterbach seems not have any inkling”‘

Stanford Professor Jay Bhattacharya doesn’t see [Lauterbach’s statements] as a laughing matter. He wrote on Monday that he’s sorry the Germans had such an unqualified health minister during the Covid pandemic.

He countered Lauterbach’s statements with four points: firstly, Professor John Ioannidis is far from being an outmoded scholar and is one of the most frequently published and cited scientists on the subject of Covid. Secondly, he neither wrote nor signed the Great Barrington Declaration. Thirdly, even this declaration did not declare the virus to be harmless …. Fourthly, Bhattacharya says that “Lauterbach seems to have no idea of the damage his lockdown policy has done to the poor, children and the working class. Germany has worse Covid results than neighboring Sweden”.

The original tweet with the Lauterbach video has already been viewed 500,000 times; the tweeting Health Minister has not yet responded publicly to the Stanford professor’s message.

Then came Bild, the largest-circulation newspaper in Germany, with the headline ‘Stanford Professor has harsh criticism for Lauterbach‘:

In his Covid policy, Karl Lauterbach repeatedly talks about science, arguing with studies and articles. But, of all people, a renowned Covid scientist is now sharply criticising the German Health Minister!

Stanford Professor Jayanta Bhattacharya (50), an expert in health economics, has accused Lauterbach on X of being “incredibly misinformed about Covid science”.

The reason for the outrage: an RBB interview with Lauterbach from March 12th 2022.

In an interview excerpt shared by Bhattacharya, Lauterbach complained about an “exponential growth not only in viruses, but also in false reports. … In the case of Corona, for example, there was a scientists who used to do very good work but has now drifted off course: a Stanford scientist, Ioannidis,” Lauterbach says. He is referring to John Ioannidis (58), Professor of Medicine and Professor of Epidemiology and Population Health at Stanford University.

Statements that Bhattacharya won’t let stand!

“Professor John Ioannidis is not ‘worn out’ and is one of the most published/cited scientists on Covid,” he says… Furthermore, Ioannidis neither wrote nor signed the ‘Great Barrington Declaration’. And the Stanford professor clarifies in his counterattack on Lauterbach that the ‘Great Barrington Declaration’ never claimed that the virus was “not dangerous.” … “Lauterbach seems to not have any inkling of the damage his lockdown policies did to the poor, to children, and to the working class,” says Bhattacharya. AND: The Stanford professor even calls Lauterbach “unqualified”.

Major blogs and online magazines like Reitschuster and Tichys Einblick have picked up the story, with headlines about how badly informed Bhattacharya finds Lauterbach to be. News.de calls Bhattacharya’s “public reprimand” a “bitter slap in the face” for the Health Minister; Der Westen says much the same, as does the television broadcaster ProSieben.

We desperately need more of this. I call upon Jay Bhattacharya to continue his attacks on the German Health Minister. He is a moronic pseudointellectual fraud and a menace, and the German people need to hear this from Stanford professors like him. Perhaps the other authors of the Great Barrington Declaration could add their voices too. Surely John Ioannidis would also like to weigh in.

This piece originally appeared on Eugyppius’s Substack newsletter. You can subscribe here.

COMMENTS

The Covid Inquiry is Insulting the Victims of Lockdown

By Will Jones

What gives the relatives of Covid victims the sole right to the moral high ground, asks Allison Pearson in the Telegraph. Lockdowns were devastating, and their victims were often far younger than those of Covid. Yet the Covid Inquiry puts the spotlight on the former while largely ignoring the latter. Here’s an excerpt.

I really must stop watching the Covid Inquiry, it’s bad for the blood pressure. Even the element of drama is lacking because we all know how this story ends: Lady Hallett, shaggy blonde bob shaking sorrowfully, will find that chaotic, ‘shopping-trolley’ Boris locked down too late (even though notably un-chaotic Germany only locked down two days earlier than us). Bad Boris also raised commonsense objections to lockdown and refused to keep the population masked and social distancing in perpetuity, as recommended by Susan ‘Stalin’s Nanny’ Michie of the SAGE scientific advisory group. 

Given the choice between Boris’s hale-fellow magnanimity and Michie’s joyless authoritarianism, I know which I would choose, but that is very much not the preference of this appalling establishment sham. 

Relatives of those who died from Covid are allowed to be present (holding up laminated photos of the deceased) which gives proceedings the feel of a tribunal in Revolutionary France hellbent on personal revenge rather than what they should be; a rational and honest assessment of whether shutting down the country was justified. 

After the former Prime Minister apologised on Wednesday – “I understand the feelings of these victims and their families, and I am deeply sorry for the pain and the loss and the suffering,” said Boris – four protesters stood up, holding signs which said: “The dead can’t hear your apologies.” 

What gives those people the right to sole occupancy of the moral high ground? Of course their losses are terribly sad, but the median age of death from Covid (about 83 years) was not that different to the normal life expectancy for men and women before the pandemic. What about younger people killed or traumatised by lockdown? 

Where are the photos of the formerly happy girl who developed anorexia in 2020 and tragically took her own life (as recounted by the girl’s mother to a rightly upset Julia Hartley-Brewer on her Talk TV show)? How about the one million youngsters currently on a waiting list for mental-health services, a shocking queue that would stretch from London to Manchester? 

Any portraits perchance at the Inquiry of the bereaved at funerals who were not allowed to console each other, not even when they lived in the same house for goodness sake? Or the pregnant women who went through miscarriages alone because, apparently, having the father with them was too much of a Covid risk? 

How about the distraught, self-isolating spouses of confused and lonely care home residents who could not visit while staff trooped in gaily with their Tesco carrier bags? What about the grown men and women who still cry into their pillow at night fretting that their darling mum or dad died thinking they had abandoned them? 

Worth reading in full.

COMMENTS

Boris Johnson is Still in Denial About Lockdowns

By Will Jones

When he appeared at the Covid Inquiry this week, former Prime Minister Boris Johnson had a golden opportunity to get to the heart of the issue and denounce lockdown as unnecessary and harmful. But he blew it, says Dr. Jay Bhattacharya in UnHerd. Here’s an excerpt.

As a vocal Covid dissident and lockdown opponent throughout the pandemic, watching the U.K. Covid Inquiry these past few weeks has been a depressing experience. One gets the sense that both the people leading the inquiry and the vast majority of those questioned — the architects of the U.K.’s disastrously failed Covid policy — have learnt nothing. 

At one point on Wednesday, Boris Johnson had a golden opportunity to get to the heart of the problem. The lead inquiry lawyer, Hugo Keith KC, asked the former Prime Minister whether the late March 2020 order to lock down the country was “absolutely necessary”. This was Johnson’s golden opportunity to confess the cardinal error of the U.K.’s pandemic strategy: that it imposed lockdown in the first place.

Instead, he averred that the U.K. had “no other tool” than lockdown available. Under questioning about his involvement in pandemic decision-making in January and February 2020, the ex-PM’s mea culpa centred on his regret that he had not “twigged” the seriousness of the Covid threat earlier.

One major problem with this reasoning is that by the time February 2020 rolled around, Covid was almost certainly more widespread than anyone realised because it had arrived earlier than anyone realised. In 2019, Chinese authorities delayed reporting the existence of the virus to the world. Studies of antibodies in stored blood and stored wastewater from across the globe — including Italy, the U.S., Brazil and elsewhere — found traces of Covid’s presence in autumn 2019, long before the world knew about it. Even a January 2020 lockdown would have been too late: our fate was sealed once the virus was abroad in the world.

“The inquiry has been marked by a studied lack of curiosity about the great control group of the pandemic: Sweden,” Dr. Bhattacharya continues. “But Sweden did better than nearly every other country on earth in protecting human life. It has among the world’s lowest cumulative age-adjusted all-cause excess deaths since the start of the pandemic. And it accomplished this feat without lockdown.”

Worth reading in full.

For the full story on early Covid spread, see here and here.

COMMENTS

Bristol University Axes the National Anthem from Graduation Ceremonies Amid Students’ Claims it is “Old-Fashioned” and “Offensive to Some”

By Will Jones

Bristol University has axed the National Anthem from its graduation ceremonies with some students claiming it is “old-fashioned” and “offensive to some”. The Mail has the story.

The anthem has not been played since last year’s ceremony with the university saying it regularly updates its graduation ceremonies. 

God Save The King will now only be played when a member of the Royal Family is present. 

Some students at the 147-year-old university have suggested the National Anthem was culled because it is “irrelevant”, “old-fashioned” or might even be “offensive to some”.

It comes just weeks after the university vowed to remove slave trader Edward Colston’s emblem from its logo, after his statue was toppled during a Black Lives Matter protest in the city in June 2020.

Layla Daynes, 21, told the Sun: “The monarchy isn’t really relevant to my generation, so it wouldn’t be missed.”

Free Speech Union director Toby Young asked: “Why are Britain’s most prestigious universities openly contemptuous of the country’s history and heritage?”

Worth reading in full.

If the point of multiculturalism – which many of the university bosses who make these decisions would swear by – is that we are supposed to be united as a nation despite sometimes massive differences in cultural outlook, how is axing the National Anthem – a prominent symbol of our nation as one people that transcends our differences – supposed to help with that? The suspicion must be that decisions like this are motivated primarily by hatred of country and its history than any honourable motive. Sidelining the National Anthem makes little sense even for the adherents of the multicultural creed – unless the point is just to do Britain down for its supposed ‘systemic racism’ and historic ‘colonialism’.

COMMENTS

Labour Parliamentarians Back Kemi Badenoch on Stopping Children Changing Gender at School

By Will Jones

Tony Blair’s former Education Secretary Estelle Morris, who now sits in the Lords as a Labour peer, has backed Kemi Badenoch on trans rights by saying children should not be encouraged to change gender. The Telegraph has more.

Estelle Morris said pupils should be taught in biology lessons that there are only two sexes.

Speaking in a debate in the House of Lords, she warned that if teachers allowed children to “socially transition”, by referring to them by a different pronoun or name, it could cause them “psychological damage”.

She added that parents should always be informed if a child was struggling with their gender identity.

The comments go much further than the official Labour position, which so far has simply called on the Government to publish advice to schools on gender issues.

A group representing lesbian members of the Labour Party backed Equalities Minister Mrs Badenoch after she warned of an “epidemic” of gay children being told they were transgender.

The Lesbian Labour Group said: “How come a Tory minister can be right and Labour is so wrong?”

The Government has still not published long-awaited guidance for schools on how to deal with children who say they want to change gender, such as whether they should be allowed to take part in sports with children from the opposite biological sex.

I shudder to think what a Starmer-led Government will allow in our schools – it’s been bad enough under the Tories, whose ‘war on woke’ has often felt like little more than empty words from an administration powerless against the Blob.

Worth reading in full.

COMMENTS

U.K. Government’s Veto of Scotland’s Gender Reforms Ruled Lawful by Top Court

By Will Jones

Scotland’s highest court has ruled the U.K. Government acted lawfully by vetoing Nicola Sturgeon’s self-ID gender laws in a humiliating defeat for First Minister Humza Yousaf. The Telegraph has more.

The 

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Fic: A Perfectly Normal Chrismas

This is about the only instance ever in which I will use name mashing, because it is 100% applicable.

Back during the pandemic @tuesdayintheservantshall wanted an Introvert Thomas/Extrovert Chris Modern AU piece. My retail frazzled essential worker brain latched onto the chance for therapy was happy to oblige. I did another for Valentine's.

I always wanted to do one for Christmas, to sort of round out the set, but there didn't feel like there was enough progression from there to V-Day, and then if I waited until the next Christmas the pandemic would be over.

..."over"...

It's been eating at me, though, so I finally decided you know what? Why not? Let's get the boys out of the pandemic zone and into the annual jab zone!

And so I wrote this. Once again making Thomas suffer my personal brand of low-key, non-combat PTSD.

Merry Chrismas, everyone.

-

-

Thomas pulled into his parking spot, applied the break, killed the engine, and pulled out his phone. I’m home. Turn off the Christmas music. With the pandemic over, or as over as it ever would be, people were shopping again. While it might have been a bit slower than years past, and definitely slow enough that retailers where bemoaning the lack of sales, it was definitely closer to the normal hustle and bustle than the previous year had been, which meant Thomas wanted to shoot something. Maybe a customer. Maybe himself. Maybe just the display radios in the electronics department which someone insisted on having blare All Christmas Music All The Time. He’d lose his job for destroying merchandise, he was certain, but it would be worth it.

Of course, given that he didn’t hunt or stalk at all, he didn’t own a gun, but that was a minor detail.

Chris, being free from the curse of retail, didn’t have to put up with it. Given that his company was still allowing their employees to work from home three out of five days a week (although now it was from fear of a strike rather than fear of COVID) , he took the opportunity to listen to Christmas music whenever he was at home, which meant Thomas had to warn him before he got to the flat if he didn’t want to have his ears gouged out.

It’s safe!

With a sigh, Thomas opened the door and climbed out of the car. At least he no longer felt the need to have a smoke before going into the flat. Then again, it was Christmas Eve and Chris had worked from home. Perhaps it would have been wise to have a bracing fag before he went up. He paused half way up the stairs, considering, then shook his head and kept going. If he stopped now, Chris would just worry.

He reached the door and eyed it, pondering for a moment. On a whim, he tried to doorknob. He was not exactly shocked to find it unlocked. He pushed it open and carefully stepped inside.

The Christmas lights had gone up the first week of December. The tree was artificial, much to Chris’s dismay, but there was no way to find a real one small enough for the flat. That was actually a good thing, in the end, because it had gone up the second week and had been steadily gaining decorations ever since. Thomas had even gotten to add a few. The lights around the flat - mostly across the tops of the doors and along the larger pieces of furniture, like the entertainment center - had gone up in increments. There was only one major change since Thomas had left that morning, and that was Chris.

The other man stood in front of the Christmas tree, his arms outstretched, showing off his newest bathrobe. It was green with printed ‘garland’ and, of all things, real, blinking lights. He also had a bow on top of his head. “Welcome home, oh love of my life! Merry Christmas!”

“Christmas isn’t until tomorrow, Chris,” Thomas informed him, shaking his head, although he couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t even bother wondering if the other man was wearing boxers under that robe. By now he knew the answer. He shrugged out of his coat and hung it up. “And please tell me that you didn’t get me one of those robes as well.” They still had the matching heart robes from Valentine’s day, which Thomas would at least admit were warm and comfortable.

“Well it’s a good thing the answer’s ‘no’ or that would have broken my heart,” Chris scoffed. “Don’t worry. I know you better than that.”

“Oh good.”

The other man’s expression turned rakish. “No, this is just the wrapping for your real Christmas present.”

Thomas paused, half way through pulling his scarf off, then finished the motion and hung it up with the coat. On the one hand, it was a perfectly Chris move. On the other hand, he’d just gotten home and was still tired and hungry and he could smell meat of some sort, which means there was dinner to be had. Turning, he favored the other man with a smirk. “Really? You plan on staying right like that until tomorrow morning, then?”

The other man gave him a cagey look. “Well, I was thinking that you could open one present tonight…”

Still smirking, Thomas turned and walked into the kitchen. “Oh no, I couldn’t do that,” he protested. “It would break tradition. Don’t want bad luck on Christmas.” What passed for their dining table had an actual table cloth on it (Thomas hadn’t known they owned one. It must be new.), was already set, and had a candle waiting to be lit in the center. He inhaled appreciatively. “Dinner smells good, though. What did you make?”

“Cornish game hens,” Chris replied, following Thomas into the kitchen and wrapping his arms around him from behind. He rested his chin on his lover’s shoulder and whined, “But you aren’t really going to make me wait until tomorrow, are you?”

“I’m hungry, Chris.” The proclamation was delivered in Thomas’s most brisk, professional tone. “You should know better than to expect me to do anything before food.”

Chris laughed, the sound warm in Thomas’s ear. “Alright, alright! But after…?”

“After,” Thomas twisted around until he was facing Chris and could wrap his own arms around the other man’s waist, “we can watch a movie or something.”

For a moment they just looked at each other, Chris obviously debating how serious Thomas was. He finally pouted. “I am not wearing this thing until dawn.”

Thomas just grinned at him. “Sorry, love, but Christmas doesn’t start until midnight. You’re just going to have to wait.”

#downton abbey #downton abbey fanfiction #thomas barrow #chris webster #christmas #chrismas #modern au #terrible bathrobes #flirting #retail ptsd

[aewrie]

actually i'm rambling again bc that reminded me of a thing

like my reaction to getting poked with needles is. well. if i get an opportunity to try play piercings with someone who knows what they're doing i'm absolutely going for it

but ffs don't jab me without telling me

there was a time i got my blood drawn as a kid that actively Sucked Ass bc the nurse couldn't find a vein (might have been fairly inexperienced?) and then moved the needle in a weird way that genuinely hurt, and it felt like it took forever before she got the blood, but still i would consider that a less bad experience than when i got my second covid shot and the nurses tried to distract me. they didn't ask, or tell me, they just assumed it would be better if i didn't know it was coming, so that i wouldn't have the chance to get nervous about it or whatever the logic was

it didn't hurt. but the second i registered the needle (p much immediately) i tensed up (not good!) and just froze. i was not processing anything and had to take a moment before i could answer the question i was asked just before the jab. all my brain power was redirected to ack surprise needle

like i get they want to get through those as smoothly as possible and for some (i stress SOME) this could be the ideal way to go about it, but it literally would have taken the exact same amount of time to do the questions and vaccination actually separately, and they wouldn't have risked causing a fear of needles to boot

#'how do you feel about getting your blood drawn' i watch in a trance almost #'how do you feel about getting pierced' literally i walk out of the shop and already fantasize about getting more asap #i'm not averse to needles like that ok #don't assume i am #if you work in anything where you poke ppl with needles maybe ask instead of assuming??? #like not telling what you're doing or lying that it won't hurt are some great ways to cause medical procedure related fears #yourebabblingjulle

[transmissionsfromthebattlefield]

“Take My Word For It”

Thank god for classes starting up again so that I can pivot my screen time away from people making me lose faith in humanity and towards PDFs of textbooks. The weather is hot and the AC in the library is pumping. Kent State once again brims with life. I tabled at our freshman orientation club fair yesterday—so many little babies, yet over half of the girls seem to be taller than me. (Thanks, genetics.) It really does make my heart swell to be back, though. I am SO pumped.

Aside from classes and Task Force and all my friends and the best burritos in the world, I’m also very excited for the return to basic principles of human interaction. I’ve been people watching a lot online lately. Too much, in fact, and I need to stop. But the emotions and the news are pertinent, and they must be processed. I’ve been seeing a lot of exchanges online lately that are basically negative recommendations. Someone says they don’t care for something for whatever streamlined reason, and someone else agrees with zero visible actual external research on the subject. Asking for recommendations nowadays always has to come with some disclaimer. Disclaimers have become a big part of internet culture in general, and it’s a real shame. Weighing positives and negatives after even just a simple article or two or accepting that a friend likes whatever seems to be a thing of the past, in the digital sphere at least, in favor of following a herd to keep those whom we perceive as our friends or want to be our friends with. Have conspiracy theorists tainted the concept of “doing one’s own research”? Or maybe COVID as a whole wrecked us—we got so used to isolating ourselves from absolutely everyone that it has become second nature to shun anything deemed hypercharged bad buzzword, or alternatively “slime”. It didn’t even take a generation.

You might as well be taking somebody’s world for it, not just their word—one must be in to-tall alignment with the politikal perspektives of their frendos, or else we might have an astrologist’s worst nightmare on a self-worth scale: the planets are out of wack! I’m an idiosyncronous, imperfect ball of flesh on the same planet as many more of the same despite their abject differences from me! Help!

My anxious psyche leads me to distrust humans in general, but I think society has gone too far in its stagnant polarization. We bitch and we fight, to quote crappy post-Roger Waters Pink Floyd (most society as it currently stands is basically “Learning To Fly” on repeat blaring very loud in my ears, I think), and most of the time it’s about how we perceive the influence and morals of actively powerful forces in the world. You can have a great, insightful, constructive conversation about that. But we resort to stereotype and self preservation. And as those gears keep on churning in the background, as they always do and always will, we get nothing done. We forget that we have more in common with one another than we think, while preaching that same concept. But how much do we truly believe the preprogrammed responses we’ve taught ourselves to repeat?

Do we really want a free exchange of ideas, or do we crave that overtone addendum, “but only if they’re the right ones”? Do we even want to be right, or do we always need some abstract, accessible boogeyman to jab at while the powers that be pulling the strings only grow stronger? Do we want to grow stronger ourselves to someday defeat them, or do we succumb to the overwhelming complexity of the world at large and retreat to where we feel safest? Do we seek change, or do we only call for it, not work towards it? We praise the sacrifice of others, but how comfortable would we be with sacrificing ourselves—in any capacity—for the same cause?

Yet when you meet people in person, even these people, they laugh. They actually have senses of humor. They invite, most of the time. And if they repel, they repel. The intention becomes obvious. The experience can be learned from. Another side comes into view, separate from the PR-primed pop star we all fashion ourselves to be, secretly. The blood and guts are there to spill. The humanity is on full display.

And that’s why a damn good conversation beats nameless, faceless, face full of constructed ideological perfection protection any day of the week, regardless of whether or not class is in session.

#blog #rant #virtue signaling #the internet #humanity #human interaction #long post

[suzieb-fit]

Today's afternoon workout was a pilates/barre mix. If I'm completely honest, I don't actually know what the difference is, lol. Both types of training seem very similar to me.

Anyway, I'm always glad to get this kind of session into my day somewhere along the line.

So apart from a few extra miles on the bike due to me going to the town just down the road for my 4th covid jab, today has been an average Tuesday.

I decided on a 14hr fast today, rather than just my current 13hr target, and got another 20 minutes on top of that.

A good day for calories and nutrition, but the nutrition side is no effort. That's just my usual way of eating.

Slightly better sleep, but still a few wake ups and an early fully awake time.

I feel fine after the jab. Pulled my sleeve diwn, put my hacket on, hopped straight vack on my bike. I wasn't hanging about. Massive uphill climb all the way back home!

So it was over in seconds. Ok, I fully expect a bit of soreness, but hopefully that will be the only side effect.

#fitspo #fitspiration #fitblr #fitness #healthy living #health and fitness #fitness-by-suzie #fit #workout #healthy lifestyle #health and nutrition #diet and nutrition

[thebigbadbatswife]

Author/Fic Update:

Hello! It’s been awhile since I last did an update on myself and my wips, so I thought I’d do one now.

So, regarding the third part of Under Your Skin. I know that you’ve all been waiting for this for awhile and I’m sorry that I haven’t finished it yet. I haven’t had a lot of mental energy this year and my writing has suffered because of it.

However! I am currently in the middle of the second draft of the third part! I’m very happy with how it is right now, so it shouldn’t need a third draft and I had hoped to have it out by the 25th as of this month as a gift for all of you. Unfortunately, after three years of avoiding it, I have finally caught covid.

It is the first day (I’ve had all three of my jabs!) and other than a sore throat, minor headache and a weird taste in my mouth, I feel somewhat okay. Obviously I will have to see how it goes, but if I have the energy to do so, I will continue working on it and hopefully have it out by the 25th.

I’ll keep you all updated, but until then I’m going to go get some rest.❤️

—B

#fic update #under your skin verse

[strangesequitur]

Fuckin' measles in Columbus.

For the past few years I've been doing this thing, where every time anti-vaxers cause a preventable outbreak of some terrible, easily-preventable disease I go get another immunization out of spite.

In the past two years I've had four Covid shots, three flu shots, three HPV doses, three Hep B, one pneumonia, and a Tdap.

I am fully boosted and prepared to fight god.

But I'm out of shit to inject at this point. I need another pneumonia because it mutated or the new jab is better or something but I can't get that until next year because I just got the Less Good One.

So in light of a dozen-plus sick children in my hometown, I need somebody else to go get a Spite Vax for me. Hey, you! Is your Td/Tdap up to date? It's every ten years for adults! Lockjaw isn't fun, and diptheria is so, so gross. And potentially deadly. And almost entirely preventable! Basically every top search result for diptheria is just medical professionals lamenting that it still exists at all, because frankly it shouldn't.

They increased the recommended age range for Gardasil recently! It used to cut off at 26 but I'm 37 and my insurance just covered it in full. If you were born before 1991 you might not have gotten Hep B as a kid.

Make sure your shit is up to date, because we can't rely on herd immunity at this point.

Nine children - all under the age of six - are in the hospital with measles in central Ohio, because their parents were swayed by charlatans. Or, in some cases, because they are under a year old and can't get their first MMR yet - and the parents of other kids in their daycare were swayed by charlatans.

Measles can infect 90% of unvaccinated people who come into contact with an infected person, or share a space where an infected person was, hours before. Measles can also delete your immune history, making your body forget how to fight off diseases that you've previously had or been inoculated against.

Also, y'all know about the second booster/4th dose for Covid, right? (Probably US specific, that one.)

Go be loudly pro-vax. Fight god.

#I used 'swayed by charlatans' very specifically in this case #because based on what we're hearing it does seem like the community hardest hit by this outbreak #was deliberately and specifically targeted by proselytizing antivaxers

[chaoticbritishqueen]

Phrases I've overheard/said over my second year at Uni:

"I went out last night, and I only got sexually harassed once!"

"When they said free donuts here, I wasn't expecting a nightclub-" "a cafe maybe? But not a nightclub"

"A 53 year old man came onto me once, and asked me why its weird for 19 year olds to date men in their 50s- like dude, if their age ends in TEEN, skip it, your old enough to be their father."

"That's just basic white girl music" "BITCH, I'm Indian, I love Taylor Swift." "Oh I'm so indie look at me I don't know who Taylor swift is"

"Who developed CRISPR-cas9?" "Emmanuelle and Jennifer Doudna" "OOOOH THEY'RE WOMEN-"

"What size do bras go upto?" "Huh?" "Like D?" "D?!?! IF THEY ENDED AT D I WOULD BE FUCKED" "E?" "Higher" "REALLY!?"

"You really think that being Russian makes you a minority?!"

"My grandad's wife is Chinese! She taught me to use chopsticks" "wait... you're part Chinese?" "What, where'd you get that?!" "You just said your grandads wi-" "I WOULD HAVE SAID GRANDMA, why would I refer to my grandma as my grandads wife and not my grandma?" "Good point-"

"They're watching Grey's Anatomy in leacture" "mood" "they'll probably learn more from that than today's leacturer"

"GIGGLES STOP MAKING ME FUCKING LAUGH"

"Oh god I turn 20 next year." "Omg your so old" "wait she's old, I'm 28" "REALLY?!" "What year were you born" "2002" "2002?! I'm also 2002- YOU ALSO TURN 20 NEXT YEAR" " I FORGOT"

"I'M GOING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHTS!"

"It's spooky season bitches, time to make a viking funeral for a pumpkin"

"You somehow made shaggy sexy? I'm actually impressed."

"Why are you looking for a boy?!" "HE'S LOST AND ONLY 18"

"I love candy canes!!" "Me too!" "You can make the ends really sharp and threaten people with them :)" ".....WHAT?"

"STOP LAUGHING" "NO YOU STOP LAFFING" "wait... WE SWAPPED ACCENTS"

"OUCH, i don't even have a dick yet, and THAT still hurt my ghost penis"

"Isn't that one of the easiest unis to get into?" "Yeah, why's you think I go there?" "OMG-"

"You said strap on, Continue."

"My tragic backstory is that I have a TV in my room?" "No, it's WHY you have a TV in your bedroom" "oh"

"Hong Kong is the plymouth of asia. Umm no offence" "WOW... how bad is Hong Kong"

"You know what I thought when I first met you?" "What?" "Wow, this girl has a lot of hair"

"Pain and pleasure use the same parts of the brain. That's why knives are sexy."

"Sorry that we straight crimed you"

"I'm ace, not blind" "you should put that on a Tee-shirt"

I'm sorry, but any disappointment you have for me is on you for believing in me"

"I'm not sexy, but I can wink"

"Are you not attracted to leonardo Da Vinci?" "The turtle?" "NO...he means Dicaprio!!"

"I would kill for socks worn by lady Gaga, not into feet but it's Lady Gaga."

I have hairy toes..." "so do I!" "Hairy toe gang!"

"Can people stop falling in love with me?! Its getting ridiculous." "I've never heard of this problem before.." "I KNOW I SOUND SO VAIN, BUT LIKE CAN THEY STOP?! I don't want another awkward conversation!"

"This body is crispy"

"Imagine a watermelon! Wait no, that's too big. Imagine a small watermelon! And put it in a balloon of water and hit it against a wall. That's what happened to that brain"

"Can someone tell me when I'm gonna die from the covid jab? Because I'm on number three and still nothing yet? I'm bloody waiting"

"Sorry my hearing is shit" "side affect of being high?" "Huh?" "Side effect" "dude, I'm literally deaf-" "oh-" "Like Permnant hearing loss here"

"I'm not about to ask my 12 year old sister what kind of fanfiction she reads."

" if we have to accept the autism, then you have to accept being a furry. I don't make the rules."

“Where did we get to?” “Ah yes, tongues battling for dominance”

"to be fair, I'm closer to becoming an evil scientist than a platypus..."

"would you like a nipple clamp?"

#university #uk #tw: sa mention #tw: drugs #chaos #greys anatomy

[asexualdreammorpheus]

off my for second covid booster jab this is the only time i get out the house these days

[wordsdarkerthantheirwiings]

still feeling extremely on edge, the sensations of “something bad is going to happen” and other paranoia are still here, but the weekend has been a good time to just exist quietly and take the space to not feel great and do things at my own pace. I hated every second of being outside yesterday morning when I got my flu jab (was pencilled in for a covid shot too but they only had pfizer which I haven’t had so didn’t get because new ones make me really sick) and unexpected noises are still very stressful but otherwise it’s... well, it’s okay. and it will get better than okay, eventually. in contrast to just one day ago I even managed a walk today where the presence of so many others wasn’t such a !!! thing, so that’s a win.

I have five days of work before a nine day reprieve, for which I am grateful. it is only one week to get through. I hate saying things like “I hope it goes quickly” because I don’t want to rush through my life but I do hope it passes quickly enough and without incident, and I’m really looking forward to some breathing space.

#🤞🏼 #journal post #this is a psychosis-related post but i'ma keep it out the tags

[forerussake]

i will never forget the dude who gave me my second covid vaccine. man saw me - a 22yo there among the 50yo’s invited to get that shot - he checked my invitation text (that i got bc my shitty lungs put me at extra risk of dying from this virus), and he was so thrown off by me being about his age that he looked me dead in the eye and said “huh, pretty fortunate you can get it early, eh?”

and then his eyes went wide as saucers when he realized what he’d just said, and i just went “uhuh”

and then he jabbed a needle in my arm.

honestly my favourite human interaction.

#rl #covid19

[thejosh1980]

Dr Kitch, it's terrible... 

It's been a while. I know that writing my thoughts and feelings down has a real positive affect on my mental well being. I learn about myself and often feel free, or freer, from the worry or concern I had before I started writing. 

I just haven't prioritised writing lately. Sometimes I don't feel motivated or, more often, I don't feel I have anything interesting to share.

I do write, but I don't share everything. I have unsent letters to friends, family, pets and myself, which I have written for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts and feelings out, and hoping in the process find a little bit of calm. 

Recently I got a new job offer. 

My current position as a community support worker is fantastic for many reasons, and not so great for a few. After finishing my studies to become a counsellor I wanted to get some experience in the real word. During the past 6+ months, I have seen improvements in the well being of the people I work with, and the influence I have had on their lives. I really enjoy the time with the people I work with, even if shifts can be challenging at times.

However, I am not excited about the company, my managers and the system of care in place. Probably the best way I can explain it is, the company can be more of a challenge to work with than the people I work one on one with.

It was never going to be a long term job, it was about getting experience, learning about myself, the people I work with, the various mental health diagnosis out there, and how the system works. After 6 months, I still put in 100% with the people I work with, but I'm not a fan of the system.

So I am changing systems.

The new job will be somewhat similar, but vastly different in other areas. I will work at one location, and people who need support will come to that location. I will no longer work in isolation, I will have colleagues to work with, and support me, during the whole shift. Shifts are longer and there's no cancellation at the last minute. I will work as a peer support worker at a suicide prevention project. I can't go into further details right now, but it'll be an exciting step for me to be able to support people in crisis daily.

I will work both jobs for a while, but eventually cut back on my old position once I settle into the new job.

Part of the new job is that I'll need to keep myself safe, prioritising my mental well being and physical well being. I am really pleased I will be part of a team, and have colleagues, who I can talk to, learn from, and share my experiences with. I'll have a daily opportunity to debrief, something that is often missing in mental health work. I'll have a chance to learn from other peer workers, one on one, as well as sharing with people who visit the project. 

Exciting times...

What isn't exciting is how I'll keep myself physically well. I need to get vaccinations. Now I don't want to go through the whole COVID vaccine debate, it is what it is, and this is about something else.

I am very scared of needles!

Prior to COVID, The last time I remember getting an injection was in late 1997, when I broke my pinky finger and needed a local injection in my elbow, in the spot we call the “funny bone”, where that nerve tingles down your arm when you bump it. I had to be gassed up, held down and I still was crying, shaking and hating every moment of the process. I remember the doctor said “stop being a baby”, which definitely didn't help the situation. I remember telling him “make sure you put in more than enough to numb me, because you won't get a second chance”. 

I was alone, he gassed me, jabbed me, re-broke my finger and set it in place.

Good times...

I have learnt a lot since the COVID vaccines became mandatory, I learnt that I could get a jab (or 3) if I had Alex with me to hold my hand and an understanding nurse who was gentle. I focused on the fact I was showing courage, even if I was reacting with tears and shaking, doing something that protected my family, and myself. 

Those jabs were the first I had had in over 20 years.

Last month I began the process of getting jabs for the new job. I calculated I'd need at least 4 seperate injections, if not more, over the coming 3 months. Initially 2 at a time and then 1 or 2 after that, not to forget the dreaded blood tests I'll need too. 

Oh boy!!! 

In December, I had the doctor, nurse and Alex lined up on Thursday morning to get the ball rolling. Except it didn't roll very far. I was amped up and before the appointment thinking “right, I'll go in, lay down, they'll jab, I'll cry and shake, and then we'll move on like nothing happened”... 

After huge anticipation, and a few sleepless nights, leading up to that appointment, it didn't happen. The appointment ended up being only a discussion with the doc and a prescription for the jabs. See, I didn't know I had to go to the chemist to get the needles and come back for the jab. So it was all rescheduled for the following Saturday morning.

I had been mentally prepared on Thursday, only to be denied, and had to prepare again for Saturday. I am so lucky the nurse and the doctor were compassionate, understanding and knowledgable on how to support folks like me. Folks who have a strong reaction to needles. They did a great job, and I don't do this very often but I'll blow my own horn here, I did a great job too. I kept my arm still, cried, shook, wiggled my toes, talked very fast, lost a little oxygen or something because my face was tingling, and I got through it, I survived. 

2 jabs down!

I could tell the nurse was pinching me (pretty hard according to Alex) to help desensitise my upper arm as I was laying down looking over Alex's shoulder, tears in my eyes, wiggling my toes. I didn't make eye contact with anyone while in the nurse's room. I could tell when the needle went in, and it didn't hurt. I should know better, I know it doesn't hurt. 

So why the reaction?

I have been thinking about this since the job (and jabs) came up. Why do I react in such a strong way, even though I know they don't hurt, they're not unsafe and I have survived them before? And why is there this strong reaction, just to the thought, of having to have an injection?

In fact the fear was so strong that about 15 years ago, while surfing in Hawaii, I cut my big toe up on a reef. I had to go to the emergency room. My partner at the time can surely remember the Jackie Chan type nurse who took care of me, and the shaking boyfriend on the bed with eyes all big and fearful. I knew that needles were going to be mentioned. Those needles could be for stitching me up or for some other thing like tetanus! 

What the hell is tetanus? 

I am sure I had whatever necessary vaccinations a child needed back in the early 80's, which might have included this tetanus the nurse mentioned, but when asked when I had my last tetanus shot, I lied. I said “oh, in my late teens”, which was within 10 years and satisfied the nurses curiosity. Secondly, thank god they decided not to stitch me up, they decided to use super glue instead. 

Crisis averted.

I was glued up and left the emergency a relatively happy man. Eventually I got a walking stick and enjoyed a rockabilly festival at our next stop, in Green Bay. Playing cricket and doin' the limbo with my rockin' cane on the dance floor. Those that were there, know, it sure was a good time to have a limp.

Back to the question of the day... So, why the reaction?

Firstly, I'd say that long gap of 20+ years between jabs hasn't helped. I got more and more scared, worried and distant from the needle. I avoided getting any blood tests, or jabs, for almost 25 years. I wouldn't travel to a country that required a jab. I wouldn't go to the doctor if I hurt myself and thought there's even a hint of a chance that the doc might consider the possibility that there's a reason he might think about using a needle even close to me. 

So lets go back, back even further than 25 years...

Many of our adult thoughts, feelings and behaviours stem from our childhood experiences and what we make of those experiences.

I have a memory of receiving a jab in 1986 in Brunswick Heads that didn't go well. I was 6 years old, and my parents had separated the year before. I don't have many memories from my childhood, this is surely the strongest. 

I know the previous jabs were all in 1980-1981, I was just a wee baby and it's in my baby booklet Mum has kept all this time. I don't remember any of these jabs. By 1986 I was more aware of the world around me, I was aware Dad wasn't around, I was no longer living in the big city. I knew there were things going on, with me, Mum, Dad and my sister, that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I'm sure it was a stressful time for us all, I am sure that stress was something I didn't know how to process.

I remember feeling very small, with the feeling of tears burning down my cheeks, fighting the doctor, shouting and crying. I may have tried to run, but didn't get far. I remember being at the door pleading with them not to do it. I remember the doctor wasn't very impressed with me. I can not remember Mum being there.

This was a traumatic event for me.

It isn't the event itself, but the stress one feels, that makes it a traumatic event. That's why two people can experience the same event, and have different reactions. One may feel fine, the other traumatised. 

So why the stress? Why the reaction?

My recent thoughts directed me to my parents having recently separated, and I was taken away from all that I had known: big city suburbia, and my family security at the only house I'd ever known. My environment, and our family, had changed and I hadn't processed all these changes. I was missing Dad, and trying to adjust. I remember I was struggling to settle in at school. Mum did her best, I have no doubt she protected us kids and made the best of the situations that arose. She definitely worked very hard to support us. I don't have memories of any other really challenging events, between the time we left Melbourne and when I had the jabs. 

Mum said as a baby I was fine with the jabs, I cried a little, but didn't react to the extent I would show a few years later that continues to this day. 

What I remember as my worst experience since my parents separated, still affects me years on. There has to be a connection there, because that experience affected me so deeply. Another way to think about it is to ask the question, if I had those jabs in Melbourne, with parents who were still together and happy, would I have developed the fear?

I am not upset with my parents for separating. I think it was what they had to do, as there was unhappiness in their relationship that they couldn't work through. I've been there too, and ending the relationship was the best way. 

Even as I type this, I can't get close to connecting the dots. Usually I do, usually as I write I find answers to questions I ask myself, because I let my thoughts wander, I let them go deeper than I have before.

So far, nada. 

I may need to go deeper, and that is becoming more challenging around this subject. I feel I may need professional help with that. It isn't always easy asking yourself the hard questions, I may need a little help.

But it did affect me, didn't it?

My fear and reaction are so ingrained that I struggle to shake it off. The fear and worry has been in my head for too long to just “get over it”, “man up”, and get it done. It takes a lot of work, it's a real journey, to change years of behaviour, thoughts and feelings. I have been reframing my thoughts, becoming more comfortable with being vulnerable in front of others, and finding small ways to see myself take whatever steps I need to get through these few moments of intense reaction.

Small steps. 

The smallest ones I could possibly do to get 'em done. I've written about this before, when a job, event or action feels too big and overwhelming, I break it down into the smallest parts possible. 

Small achievable steps.

I have thought about the steps I took to get through the COVID jabs, and that was because I saw the reasoning behind it, I made a choice to get them to support safety within my family, close friends and community. I got those jabs for someone else, not for me. I surely didn't want those jabs, I never have ever wanted to have 'em.

Alex came to all 3 of those appointments, held my hand, wiped the tears, and talked to the nurses. She showed me the compassion and support the doctor didn't showing me in 1986 and again in 1997. I did the jab for her, and she in turn showed me I could do it, I could face the fear after all these years.

When I found out I would need to get updated and new vaccinations, like this tetanus shot, I decided to work on small steps to help me. I would need the dreaded blood test too, something I have never been able to successfully do. I tried once, when I was about 20, but I didn't last long in the pathology clinic. I was out of there the moment they tried to put that strap around my arm to stem the blood flow. 

I never looked back.

Recently, I used an opportunity to experiment with exposure therapy. That is, to expose myself to small amounts of needles. 

About 6 weeks before my first injections, when a close friend needed to get an IV put in his hand from the ambulance, I stayed in the room. I didn't actually watch the thing go in, hell no!!! I was a couple of meters away, watching his face, and seeing little reaction or worry, in fact he was calm. Once it was in, I had a quick look at his hand, didn't look too bad either. OK, this was a small step, I let someone else get a “permanent” jab while I was in the same room.

Happy days...

Next step, upping the exposure....

I had the opportunity to take someone I work with to get a blood test a few weeks later. I could have looked away, I could have left the room, I could have asked him to turn away, but instead I faced my fear. I watched the whole process, and the outcome was 2 vials of blood, and he said it was the best blood test he'd experienced. I immediately took down that nurse's name and would book in with her when I needed a blood test.

I felt like I'd come a long way from the days of not being able to even be in the same room with a needle.

Now with the new job, we're back at it, getting jabbed. That Saturday's appointment was intense, I wiggled my toes to distract myself, so much so that I didn't realise I was digging my nails into my toes, and was bleeding.

I got 2 jabs in a row... I still can't believe it. 

It helped to have a strong reason to get on with these vaccinations. A new job... A new job which supports our goal to buy our own house. I figured out the overall reason too, my health. I'm not getting any younger, I'll need jabs and blood tests more and more likely as I grow older. 

But I don't think I am ready to volunteer to get a jab just because...

I need a solid reason, I need support and understanding, and I hope over time, with more growth and understanding, I'll be calm, cool and collected while the nurses and doctors do what they gotta do...

Thanks for reading,

Josh

EDIT: I re-read my blogs to make sure I cover all the detail, to go as deep as I can. As I wrote this, I was sure the issue with my fear stemmed from my parent's separation. The thought of a needle throws me back to that time of change. 

I am sure, that it does to a degree, and needs further exploration... But...

Just now, as I read through, correcting a few details, spelling mistakes and grammar, I came to realise in 1986, the biggest part of the needle fear stemmed from my feelings surrounding the doctor's attitude and lack of compassion towards me. 

I felt hurt, I felt unfairly judged, and I felt that I was treated badly. 

I was a sensitive kid, my parents weren't together and I was experiencing a lot of change. I feel that the doc didn't care about any of that, he just wanted to stick it in, no matter what the experience may have felt to me.

Now, I can work on finding calm.

#needles #personal growth #doctor #growin’ up #vaccinated