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#and getting into drugs and stuff idk it happens ig but wow
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just a like medley smoothie of jared-centered / deh thoughts
haunted by this post i saw the other day just going like “um if you’re too non confrontational stop thinking it’s b/c you’re so nice & kind, actually it’s an Issue & sounds like Someone needs to work on themselves” like first of all i think if the conclusion of your post is just “have you considered your individual responsibility??” re: anything connected to you know, the concept of mental health, yes, i think people have, & just leaving it at that is like okay not sure how that’s even theoretically helpful for the non confrontational masses who might be wondering how to do that (although great to not make up Advice just based on guesses / vibes ig. forever recall some incredible post of yore telling everyone if they had interpersonal issues that Could hurt people they just needed to isolate themselves until they were past all that...) like well i guess it helps the op celebrate their clear-eyed perspective here
anyways of course another part of it is like uh i’m sure it Could apply to Some people but do you think any & everyone who might be like, non confrontational, which is a vague concept there, has that quality b/c they are like “this is really nice of me” lol vs that people are Aware they’re like hindered in some realm here / the idea that the behavior will be received Positively isn’t in a “what a polite young man” expecting way....i.e. like pretty sure it’s more broadly relevant that Other People who are observing someone being nonconfrontational who might go “wow guess they’re just Too Nice” or whatever lol which yeah not a helpful perspective to see Anything abt what’s going on with anyone else merely in terms of whether it is convenient or inconvenient to you & read into (your idea of their) motivations & react to them accordingly, such as that people might end up “nonconfrontational” b/c of other ppl’s negative treatment first and foremost, not b/c they’re primarily chasing being seen as like this extra kind person all the time
clearly the transition to deh there was like, well, just like the interpretation of evan’s anxiety as being you know, not something Unhelpful to him & to his relationships, not something defensive / counterproductive to vulnerability & connection for him, it’s actually just that he’s obviously cinnamon roll too good too pure & thus too nice or kind to not be nobly putting everyone’s feelings before his own, is totally what’s happening here, plus he thinks sex drugs language & violence is all shocking & too much for him or whatever. 
it’s always funny b/c like i swear jared is the character who avoids confrontation / conflict the hardest, given that he does it with everyone, including evan, while evan is more willing to confront(tm) and/or hold his ground with jared than jared is back at him, but this is like, a Secret Fact & instead idk there he goes getting interpreted as someone who’s always pushing evan around b/c jared must be overly confrontational since he doesn’t seem Too Nice/Kind or anything
i mean of course it’s like F for not only flattening the characters to be paper thin but also inaccurately so lol like ah jared seems Rude to me on the surface vs evan seeming Nervous so time to just make those their One defining trait & go wild extrapolating their internality from that, evan must be too damn soft to be so anxious, jared must be callous to malicious to be so mean; vs that like, when they’re being more spontaneous / earnest, evan can be a fun rude little guy & jared can be hesitant / [fear]......like what’s next, alana Just either living for homework & overachieving b/c she’s a nerd who is fueled by it &/or a killjoy goody two shoes & all in all like, incapable of reflection / questioning anything & there’s only [self-righteousness] in there like....yeah that is probably next
like you know interpret anything however but it’s always wild with fan stuff like, so this is character appreciation motivated And working with the theme-relevant concept of like, what if these similar characters could Connect, how could that happen for them.......bit limiting & disappointing when it’s like “why are not only the characters really flat & imo inaccurate but also those ways in which they could all have a better time are not only Still imo inaccurate by extension of the weird characterization but also like, really flat and ‘here’s the one thing everyone Should Do to fix this other person, and not only that, but they absolutely just Can and Do all consistently do that thing so we can speedrun the end to problems-having’” like yeah it’d be a whole Story / more involved & ongoing thing to explore more involved & ongoing ways that people connecting / realizing helpful things about themselves & each other could go down, but it’s then one thing to go “ok a premise of this story is that they’re all already friends” and another to like, bother to go “and then evan just needs someone to go ‘there there’ as he curls into an armadillo ball & shivers for half an hour at least once a day, that’s litchrelly it” type of stuff like. are these the conclusions here lmao
naturally what with like the huge focus on connor / him Living in many explorations out here it’s like. good for him but my god lmfao sure can be pertinent to “why are we treating jared’s character like this even if “””””sympathetic””””” towards him” when they’re so often juxtaposed and like. we barely know who connor is so a shit ton of room for interpretation but i hardly think he’s things like the “i need to keep my friend stoned 24/7 otherwise he kills people” or that he’s Just Misunderstood(tm) & sure he’s this mysterious grumpy loner but Actually that’s b/c he’s the Visionary out here who’s keeping it real & doesn’t give a fuck in a righteous way that’s so perfectly helpful to say, evan, wherein he can be like “oh it was a misunderstanding & you’ve been nice to me for two days? i’ll keep jared from shoving you over & taking your lunch money forever” where suddenly connor’s whole like. outward aggression defense mechanism is now like “well if he had a weed & evan’s there to calm him down he can just be Firm & Insistent & Truth Telling actually, & jared will either fuck off forever b/c he Doesn’t Deserve Evan or else will go ‘damn connor’s right i guess :/ sowwy’” like. this is useless lmao
& i mean i’m mostly [shruggg] towards connor’s character in general personally but it sure seems like, as with All the teens here, it’s a shame to go like oh yeah you gotta tamp down his Issues / make them something else & then also determine that One nice friendship or soulmate romance with a nice boy who he can channel all his angry energy into Protecting in a beautiful soft/edgy(tm) dynamic? well that’s what can fix him.......like oh you gotta go ahead and Tone Connor Down to explore what-ifs about him not dying, & he has to have found his high school soulmate also. like yeah sure it’s a way more daunting task that ppl might not exactly feel they can explore like “how could canon connor start having a better time & more of a handle on things” but that’s....allegedly what everyone’s exploring anyways lol, so. anyways to bring it back to jared specifically & how it’s like “time to juxtapose him with connor” it’s also Something if/when jared’s the one who’s now like seen as Blatantly Out Of Line all the time whereas connor, by contrast, is like oh actually i’m minding my own business at least & not lashing out ever especially in loud / violent ways as canon demonstrates has Been a pattern, i’m chill now & stoned so i won’t kill, & that’s upping everyone’s (evan’s) standards so any & everyone can be like “damn jared, constantly being an asshole much” & jared can be like =( how do i get your approval............which is also funny re: any characters who just sagely point out jared as being Too Mean when like. do you think any of these people are even all gonna just Say That even if they think it. are characters now just gonna go around declaring to each other what their problem is, as they so totally do in canon. and do we think that having some hypothetical Problem declared to them by some peer is gonna make anyone go “oh they’re just so right, i guess.” like if we have a notion that jared going “stop throwing printers” wouldn’t be that constructive for connor, don’t think connor being like “you are coming across rudely” (actually that would be more measured & potentially helpful lol) “stop being an asshole to me on purpose obv” (which is not necessarily obv, from jared’s theoretical perspective) may not be likewise constructive re: jared never coming across as rude/hostile again. to take it back to the top like connor is more prone to Creating confrontations due to wrongly interpreting other’s perspectives/motivations, & to react to it super defensively & with like, the threat of / displays of physical violence, vs that jared as i argue & am right about is the most avoidant of confrontation in the first place, even with evan who definitely isn’t throwing shit at him with that broken arm, and jared Specifically remembers things like connor throwing printers as reasons evan should be worried about what connor might get up to. and even if jared wasn’t worried abt the tendency towards violent outbursts from a specific guy, i don’t think that jared being booed & pelted with tomatoes enough is really what he’d need to realize he has to be “nicer” either
like first of all it’s not established that jared Doesn’t expect shit he says to be taken as Just Jokes at least sometimes, as he claims to connor, like, handier for diluting them to “evan’s bully / evil bf” to “evan’s champion / soulmate” if jared’s just lying & Was after connor’s lunch money &/or to crush his soul but like. again that’s just one interpretation, & a convenient one, & how far is jared getting menacing everyone when he starts trying to pull back / recover the exchange simply b/c connor is going :l about it, and only gets more like “uh....fuck you” to bail on the exchange entirely rather than idk that apparently being his goal From The Start, so kind of implies he didn’t expect to get just this strong negative reaction in the first place....second of all, looking at this same [one canon interaction observed between jared & connor] i’m like why’s there this like fanon thing also where it’s not quite “connor either pwns jared away forever or at least does it so hard he Repents & Reforms to become worthy enough" but the bit of like, oh see the Main Problem of jared & connor's dynamic would be that they’d always be arguing / bickering, probably too much in earnest / too insultingly or whatever.....like if they were Both bickering regularly that’d probably be the Conclusion of like “actually we understand each other better / are secure in this dynamic” b/c jared’s gonna want to avoid provoking connor if that’s what Actually keeps happening b/c he comes off as rude & connor’s own issues exacerbate that, & other side of the coin being that connor can only keep blowing up at jared if he both interprets everything jared does w/as much hostility/antagonism read into jared’s intentions as possible & reacts to this by you know, blowing up or at least being threatening when jared knows he can & does do the [throw printer] types of reactions. whereas if jared can needle him on purpose b/c he knows that Won’t happen And connor can know the needling is a version of connecting with him / a friendly gesture actually, then that kind of exchange would be like, well that’s great then, vs like oh we need evan the mediator / peacekeeper to be like “noooo the violence, stop you guys ;m;” or what have you lmao
which you know. part of it can be And Is [jared doesn’t know how he’s coming across / doesn’t know that some element of “i am rude on purpose” might be a bigger deal to someone else than he means/expects], but none of that’s unilateral, nobody knows how they’re coming across exactly b/c a) who can, ever, & in all cases and b) they��re all like seventeen & struggling & the fact that their own survival is taking up so much priority / seems to require these defensive strategies is kind of like, impeding their Flexibility re: dropping some of that defensiveness when they feel they need it as much or more than ever....like as though i’m ever gonna be like “yeah the only thing that’s happening here, or the only thing that Matters about it, is that jared’s misinterpreting how his communication / connection efforts are coming across, and it Does Not Matter whether other people are in turn Misunderstanding jared / failing to communicate with Him on His Terms at all, All that matters is that jared learn how to immediately & superficially & with universal success Come Across As Nice” like hello i’m autistic are you kidding lmfao. sure have jared navigating these specific relationships he has, like that connor as an individual he knows & ever interacts with may be Especially inflexible with joshing, or be made aware of xyz factors he hasn’t learned abt already b/c again they’re all like seventeen & figuring it out re each other & themselves & everyone in general, but are you kidding if like jared just has to be put up on a podium & booed & roasted by everyone he encounters b/c they think he’s Being Too Rude, & this experience is what’s necessary to teach him to act right & finally deserve relationships / be liked by anyone. no lmao....and turn to canon where we Know evan understands what jared’s Really communicating / what his actual motivations are beyond what jared’s theoretically saying, even as jared is getting more outright antagonistic on purpose over act two and evan’s like “eh i know he wants to provoke me into an exchange abt something else but also i’m avoiding everything rn so i’ll ignore that too”....like obviously None of their approaches are like the key to their success lol but it cannot be unilateral, these interactions / dynamics / relationships can’t be unilateral.....at least not if you’re intending for these things to be like theoretically constructive / helpful for everyone involved lol. and jared like has his own tendency to just get more upset & run away lol like he would not stick around and marinate in things like “oh evan should just bravely insult him a few times” or “or connor does that” like it’s not a case of like oh, see, if you just strip jared of his bravado enough times you will chasten him into being nicer. like, that’s his defense strategy lol he’ll be freaked out & flee the situation, he wants positive attention like anyone else, he’s not just like, fueled by [say a meme] or Only saying rude shit “unfiltered” like, yes he could exercise some more discretion based on Having More Information / Knowledge he doesn’t now, but he’s trying to be perceived as funny more than trying to wrest the lunch money away from everyone (or Only b/c he’s covering up a crush / covering up not being straight either lol, see also the “really, is the only way you can conceive to interpret jared’s [discussing that shit can be gay] is ‘ah, homophobia’” post lol) like, cue the point of like Society If Evan Just Earnestly Laughed At Something Jared Said Ever llsdfj or you know, simply see Sincerely, Me, where jared’s just trying to get more attention from evan & is having a great time / being more straightforwardly cooperative once he does
and like another sidenote re: the fleeing is just like. idk funny if the idea re: a theoretical jared & connor dynamic is that any Impasse would be because of some change jared has to make whereas it’s like. probably neither of them would exactly seek each other out but jared is Just Some Asshole to connor whereas connor is Guy I Know Is Especially Volatile & Will Throw A Printer & I Hate Confrontation More Than Any Character We See to jared, like, think jared would bail / refuse to interact w/connor more so than the other way around, while connor’s out there thinking that evan is also Just Some Asshole but willing to put himself out there like hey well sorry about that anyways. and like in all of this, the whole [this character has a tendency to get violently angry] factor is one that’s gonna become most urgent if an issue arises that might make it relevant. not like people Necessarily go “wow zoe’s Mean i guess” b/c she doesn’t wanna deal with connor much at all. i mean, they do, i know they do lol. but.
anyways lot of addressing this juxtaposition here lol but yeah it’s like. “funny” when an idea is like oh jared just needs to have people consistently Reject & possibly punish his Being Mean & then he’ll have to choose to Be Nice. like none of the characters need that approach lol, who does, ever. then there’s the fact jared’s the most nonconfrontational (& apparently that means he thinks he’s being so nice....lol. it also does not mean that, actually, same as it doesn’t mean that for evan) & it’s Something to presume that like oh some harsh truth intervention Confrontation would really be the guidance he needs. & further Something to decide connor is like the mvp of realness around here to allow evan to be Soft & call jared’s rudeness bluff, but when connor does Blunt Honesty Call It Like I See It it’s good actually, or at least deserved. anyhow clearly this is “jared is a Relevant Connection with a peer who knows & loves him that evan could start actively pursuing / discovering along with jared if he chose to do so after realizing the potential there, & this is thematically relevant so Why evan just has to connect with his mom & be abstractly dateable to his ex & we call it a day, i don’t know” Central & “connor is a deh character to me, certainly” lol but like the Concept of jared & connor having a more successful dynamic would certainly be Fraught in a potentially compelling way but that’s b/c they’d Both have the hardest time getting along, between jared’s “tends to say things that come across ruder / harsher than he intends” and connor’s “tends to interpret things ruder / more hostile than intended” clashing & that jared will then bail entirely over confrontation vs connor escalating it, potentially into violent behavior....like they would both have Needed to get more of a handle on their own things / have more options/flexibility they reliably partake in &/or specifically better understand how the other operates to feel they have more control over their interactions, which can be of potential interest/relevance certainly when it’s like “hm how could these characters connect constructively w/each other” exploration time but. instead the notion that evan just Hasn’t told jared He’s Rude b/c evan is himself simply Too Nice (he’s not) or Too Nonconfrontational (maybe, and there’s sure too much of that Between the both of them rn, but jared’s still the More nonconfrontational one) but if connor steps onto the scene he can be tough & reveal The Truth that jared is simply too rude & jared Must go “smh :/ ya got me i guess” & become worthy or die
anyways it all gets away from me as zillion word text posts do but it’s like. boy i love when it feels like solid characterization with any depth is happening and when people get that jared and Anyone in theory, certainly him and evan, can one on one learn to connect more successfully w/each other, and it’s not going to be unilateral / where one person has to admit they were entirely in the wrong or that they may as well take on all the wrongness / mistakes / failures between them to keep it simple. like we don’t need to keep it That simple, which feels like enough of a tl;dr / conclusion here lmao
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iloveyouw · 1 year
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28 Nov 2022
wow today was weird.
it made me know what i want more. and i am ever more certain after today.
denzels and i catch up alot about old friends and what the heck were we doing, how we met and yknow typical things. what i couldnt believe was some of the things i did that he swore by it that i have zero recollection.. ok not swore by it but like he was sure and i am not at all. which felt v weird because i dont recognize that me at all.
so the normal things were like how we met, we both didnt rmb. but he say its from dan. and i do think so. but thats not impt la.
he told me of 2 things that i rly didnt rmb. 1 was that he said i kept asking sus (another friend) to help me get fentanyl. i nv rmb wanting that shit. fentanyls dangerous. i asked him like theres just no way i rmb asking for fentanyl. fentanyl is what those dealers lace drugs with cos if im not wrong its cheaper than like pure meth. so they will lace fentanyl in with meth/heroin etc so its like unpure shit. but too much of it will die one. so i rly dont rmb. if i did then i dont know what the fuck i was thinking. i asked him "omg theres no way, are u sure its not like benzos or like some pill?" he said he dont rly rmb but he was quite sure. dude. i dont rmb shit. he said i kept BUGGING him and sus... and even ask them to try.. zzz
2nd was he said last time they always hang out in bishan, like they have a place they go to like some hangout spot, i nv go before. but after my work, when i still work at bishan CPF too, with my old company, they will like meet me aft my work since they are at bishan too and i will pass them meth. them as in ernest and zels. then they will meet the rest of the grp idk who at their hang out spot and him and ernest will go take meth.. he told me like, on meth he was on his phone for 12hrs, i feel like that happened, but in my head i rly dont rmb. idk how to say. i rly did not rmb that. cos how he brought it up was like, "omg i rmb last time we always meet u aft ur work at bishan then smoke 1 cigg then u will pass us stuff and we will scurry away..." then im like, wait what??? and i didnt even dare to ask how many times.... i was ashamed of my old self.
but i could believe that. for some reason. i was always the one sponsoring their meth. and when he told me like i pass them shit i felt so horrible sia. i keep saying "im so embarrassed and sorry..." like i told him i was ashamed. he said its cool like he dont do anymore. and he apologised for bringing all this up. but i said its ok. like its not that hard. and he commented on my ig names, like its always affirming and nice. so thats cool/ imn ot gna lie these thoughts make me for a second had me thinking it was better times. i was almost consumed by it. but i snapped out of it.
like during our conversation i said like, i thought i was cool, but i was actually the clown, making u guys try meth and shit. i said i felt v v v bad. and its one reason why i dont wna meet them. which is true. bcos i cant face it. he assured that it was okay, and made sure that they didnt blame me. yknow? but up until this point i feel like i am always that stained "jo" amongst that group.
he also mentioned that he only told ernest that hes meeting me, like recently, and ernest said "huh to take meth ah" wah and my heart sank. i laughed it off like it was funny, but i feel like i was stained. meth and jo comes tgt. yknow. i felt so horrible and i apologised to him at the end of the day. like texted him sorry and he said:
J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:19 AM] I jist wna say, im sorry for the way i acted LOL like i didnt rmb alot of things!! Thank u for being gracious as always! Hope to catch u soonnnnn
Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:27 AM] Oh please you dont have to be sorry for anything, i'm serious!!! I've always been so fond of you its actually great we get to laugh about these things after all this time
Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] I damn easy to catch hahah
J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] Catch what r u a pokemon
J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] No la its just these memories v wild to me hahaha i have alot of reflecting to do hahaah
J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] But yea glad we can laigh abt it
Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] Hahaha i'd love to be a pokemon, eat and fight all day
Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:33 AM] Yeah i reaaaally love how you put in that kind of effort in your introspection, now that we've done looking back; all thats left is making more memories forward huh
and otw back from mac like when i sending him back, i told him like ive never been clearer. and he was v proud of me. so apparently the rest are like dealers and shit, but they dont do meth just mostly weed and ketamine. and he said like they think they are cool. and that rly like got me to see, how uncool and stupid they are. which i think most of them thought of me like that.
aside from our conversation, we had some rly great laughs just about other people and their drama. apprently the group i always thought was cool wasnt very after all. they have so much drama themselves. and i can share w u more but the impt ones were those im saying now.
but today made me realise i dont want anyone else. and i want u. i just want u wie.. i feel so empty, even though it was very wholesome and sweet, something wasnt right. otw to orto, like walking the path we took to the BKK bistro place, i thought to myself like, wow i wish u were with me. id like to pick u and have u beside me all the time. but i also thought that i should be more independent. but when im home like right now, i think ure asleep, i feel empty. i wanna tell u all about my day and all about it. i wna give u all the assurance u need and hope u didnt feel uncomfortable at all. i hope u had fun catching up with ur old friends, tell me all about it too? i was thinking like did they say anything about her, or me. since i assume yw knows her. i dont know. i was ready to leave once u said go. yknow that right? when u said to meet i was alrd thinking of ways to tell him i wna go. but u said u wna go home so i left to get food. i hope u dont think i wasnt putting u first. i dont know if i should have insisted that i went to u or not. i would 100% love to.
it was a weird day. but i can say that old jo is gone because i couldnt even recognize her. the shit i do... i hate old me, but i love this new me!
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wonderlustology · 3 years
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#the more I find out about my childhood the more I’m like hmm yes#the trauma makes sense now 😂😂#like idk this might sounds stupid but I love my mom she’s an amazing person#but as a parent she really just dropped the ball#the shit the used to pull is absolutely insane#like I hear about stuff and I’m just so disappointed in her?#like she used to leave us kids home alone a lot and go out drinking which I knew#like she wouldn’t come home till the morning kind of thing and#but I thought it was when we were a little older but no#my brother and I were 1 and 3 and she left us home#like?#and getting into drugs and stuff idk it happens ig but wow#when I was three she moved us to Montana and while we were there we lived in a shelter which I do remember#we lived there for a whole ass year.. in a shelter before my grandma made her move in with her#and after that idk#she’s depressed and has been forever like she had a rough childhood so#she spends a lot of time sleeping#she used to just lock us in the room with her while she slept#which sounds bad but idk#that’s why my family has such a weird relationship with sleeping because my grandma didn’t like my mom sleeping all the time#so it just became a bad thing to do#idk there’s another thing that I don’t want to talk about but my childhood was rough#rambles#as type A personality control freak slightly abusive my grandma is lmao I will always be grateful that she raised us#becuase the fact that we were as safe as we were while we were with my mom is a fucking miracle
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Survey #299
“you look so beautiful tonight  /  reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life.”
Ever done any drugs? Besides alcohol, no. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. What’s your favorite show to binge? I could only ever willingly *binge* Meerkat Manor and not get bored after like, two episodes. Do you watch porn? No, it's never appealed to me. What’s one of your fantasies? Being financially stable. :^) Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? I've lightly considered getting one, but I really doubt I ever will. What’s the most overrated movie? /shrug. Let people like what they like. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. I'd love to get to know my Facebook acquaintance Courtlynn better; I've wanted to for a long time. I think we could be fantastic friends. We'll like each other's stuff regularly and occasionally leave comments, but we don't really talk. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Paper ones, by a long shot. I just really like the feeling of a book and being able to clearly see how far in you are. I enjoy the smell and sound of turning pages. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick? Probably Wonderland, realistically. I would say Azeroth, but too much world-threatening shit goes on every day lol. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? G O T H Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yep. Do you drink? Very, very rarely. Almost exclusively during celebrations or on the once in a blue moon occasion we go to a sit-down restaurant. Do you read erotica? No. It would make me super uncomfortable. What color was the last candle you lit? I don't remember at all. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Well, not exactly me. Mom and Nicole both had memberships to Planet Fitness, and I was able to come as a guest. It was just cheaper that way. What color was the last fish you had? That I owned or ate? Either way, idr. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. If you play The Sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I don't play it. Does your animal sleep with you? Roman does, yes. He legitimately spoons with me lmao. Sometimes he'll move to the bottom of the bed, other times he'll sleep through most of the night there. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? Yes. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rock Band? "Hotel California" by The Eagles on expert is so much fun and just feels good. The ending solo is just great. When you drink chocolate milk do you just buy the jug of it or the syrup that you can put into the milk? Almost always just the chocolate syrup. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. What’s the worst abuse you have done to your phone? I know I've thrown it across the room once. Well, not my current phone, but a really old one. How did you meet your first love? High school. Well, you could maybe say Facebook. He sent me a friend request and I literally only accepted it because I thought it was another Jason. We talked via messenger some and then we ran into each other at school, and tbh I kinda knew I was fucked from there lmao. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s underwear? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever kissed in a pool? Yeah. Are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others? I absolutely cannot write in front of others, and I HATE drawing when people are watching. What do you do when you simply don’t know what to do? Odds are I'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something in WoW that sounds even remotely fun, or I'll browse Facebook. How did you find out about your current favorite band? He's one of my mom's favorite singers/bands, so I grew up with some of his music, and when I was getting into rock and metal, I decided to go through her music case and listen to some of it. Ozzy's Black Rain album set the adoration into motion. Where are you most likely to go when you need clothing? The Internet or Wal-Mart, depending on what kind of clothes I need. When was the last time you tried to do something yet failed? I should have an answer for this very quickly... yet I'm unsure. I don't think anything *major* has happened in a while. Oh, this is a tiny thing, but I did look really hard for the pencil sharpener so my niece could finish coloring her drawing, but I couldn't find the damn thing for anything. Do you think your life is comprised more of success or failure? Lots and lots of failure. What’s one personality trait that’s not strong in you? Uhhh outgoing, ig. Are you a difficult individual to get to know? Considering I hide a lot about myself to try and be accepted, yes. When was the last time you opened up to someone and about what? Literally yesterday to my mom about this unreasonably massive fear I've had lately that she doesn't have much longer in her. I'm terrified she's going to get COVID or her cancer just comes back faster than we hope. To whom do you feel the most important? My mom. Is there something you want but might not ever have? Many things. What’s something you’re working to obtain? Mental stability. Do you tend to enjoy your dreams? No, considering they're usually violent and rarely just psychotic nightmares. Are there any projects or goals you’ve recently abandoned? Hm. What in life serves to keep you going? The hope it'll get better, and I'll reach a point of actually being happy and content with my life. What was the last good news you received? Nicole's trip to Maryland to bring back a baby was successful (if that sounds weird, she's a child social worker). He has a heart condition where if his heartbeat or something like that was irregular, she'd have driven all the way up there for nothing; the baby wouldn't have been able to take the ride. Are you more inclined to appreciate sweet or savory foods? Sweet. Are romantic relationships important to you at this point in your life? I mean I'd like to be in one, but I highly doubt it'd be successful, just given where I am in life. I'd be signing up for heartbreak. Who was the last person to apologize to you for something they did? I don't know. Probably Mom for something minor, like just bumping into me or something. Are you wearing a necklace, and if so, who got it for you? No. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately? Lately? Uh. I don't know, but I can guarantee to you it wasn't long ago at all, considering breathing embarrasses me, pretty much. Do you ‘think out loud’? Sometimes. Do you take gummy vitamins? No. How do you know the majority of the people you know? Former schools. Hell, or maybe various online locations. I just might have more online friends and acquaintances than in-person. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I've talked about my pebble from my partial hospitalization program enough. Can you play electric guitar? I used to be able to play a little bit; I took guitar lessons for a short while in high school. Best I could do was the intro to "Crazy Train," but I'd still occasionally mess up. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you believe in ghosts/supernatural occurrences? Yes. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yeah. Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? Yes, usually songs that are also angry. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? The only case this has ever happened was with Jason and his gf after me. There are no words to describe the fucking hatred I felt. I haven't seen pictures of him with an s/o in a long time, and I absolutely never plan on seeking them out ever again. What song are you listening to right now? "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva. If you’re not in college, why? I couldn't handle the stress anymore. Just couldn't. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? I have a good number of old ones from high school, actually. I wore them all the time. I could never fit into them now. Favorite fictional character? Um, Darkiplier, duh. Most recent thing you are looking forward to? I think it's finally set in stone that I'm getting my tattoo redone soon. Thanks to my laptop saying "ha fuck you," it's not as soon as I originally planned since I had to pay to fix it, but Mom seems fine with helping me pay for my birthday. Not a guarantee that it'll happen on that date of course, given scheduling, but yeah. It should fucking finally be happening. How many stairs can you climb before you wanna pass out? This is too embarrassing to even answer lmao. Have you ever kissed someone with braces? No. Would you ever consider adoption? I don't want kids, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. I feel like I'd personally need the "wow this is a part of me (and/or my s/o)" connection. Do you ever go hunting/fishing? I would never go hunting, and the only occasion in which I'd fish again is if Dad asked me. I don't like the idea of fishing for fun anymore, but that's like... always been our bonding experience, and I wouldn't tell him no. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Knew. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Who are your godparents? I don't think I have any. Do you have any friends who are famous? I have two friends who are parts of bands, but idk how successful they are. I don't think either are like, huge. Nova Mortis if you're into heavy metal and I think Toukan does rap? When was the last time you stayed at a hotel? Hm. I have no idea. What side of a heart do you draw first? Uhhhh I think the left? What is your mom saved as in your phone? "Mama Bear." Do you want your tongue pierced? I had snake eyes for a while, but I took them out because I kept chipping my teeth. I miss that piercing, it was so cute, but it wasn't worth ruining my teeth. Ever made out in a pool? It's possible very briefly, idr. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? SHORT. SHORT. SHORT. Do you change your phone background a lot? Not really. Would you get back with your last ex if you could? Yeah. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes. What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate is way too sweet. Did anyone see your last kiss? It was at an airport, so probably. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean, I do, but I don't really know how smart it would be right now. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? A few. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Girt. Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Hell naw man, I looked up to them lmao. What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) Queen. Do you like spaghetti? Hell yeah. It was my favorite food as a kid. What about lasagna? No; I don't like the cheese at all. Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mosquitoes of course, as well as a bee once. Maybe other things, idk. Have you ever worn contacts? (even just to try them out) Yes, but I changed to glasses because I had too much trouble putting them in and taking them out. Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? No. Have you ever been screened for STDs? No. Did you have your tonsils taken out? No. Did you have your appendix taken out? No. Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? What is a "collector's" glass or mug? Were you your parents’ first born? No; I'm the middle child. Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No. Were you born perfectly healthy or with some (or a lot) of health issues? I was born healthy. Good 'ole days. Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Ohhhh yes, my neighbor and I loved doing that. My favorite was catching fireflies with my sisters, though. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend. I'd get lonely. Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? A whole lot, sadly... I'm despising that disease more and more every day that goes by. I know far too many people who have it or have died at its hands. Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No. Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? N/A. Do not stay in a relationship where fighting is common. Would you ever share a site password with a family member or partner? I mean sure, depending on the site and person, and the reason they (may) need it. Has anyone ever told you they couldn't trust you? Hm... I actually don't think so? Who in your family has the prettiest eyes? Idk, I don't see enough of my extended family to know. What is an odd food item you would like to try, or have tried? I'm sure there's something I'd like to try, but nothing I think about with consistency, really... Most "odd" food I find unappealing anyway. When/if you drive, do you go the speedlimit? When I did, I certainly always tried to, but I was bad at maintaining a stable speed. I went up and down too much. Are you an aggressive driver? Or more passive-aggressive? I was dangerously passive at driving. Describe a hairstyle you had as a little kid? Well, I had long hair with bangs. What routine of yours would you most hate to break? Probably stopping getting a soda first thing in the morning... That is like so deeply ingrained into my day and is a motivator to get up in the first place. I want to change this to where I'm not allowed to grab one until I've had a full cup of water, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. Has jealousy ever ruined one of your friendships/relationships? Honestly? I think it's possible that Jason totally split on me because of it. We were in this very unstable "friends" position after the breakup and hung out very briefly and awkwardly twice (which I'm pretty sure he didn't want), and I think one of our last attempts at conversation was who a girl he was talking to via Messenger was. No, before any assumptions are made, I didn't snoop. He showed me something on his phone and I just inevitably saw the little Facebook chat icon of a girl I didn't recognize. I don't even remember his answer. I just know it wasn't too long later I was blocked and everything. What is one restaurant you would NOT recommend? I personally am not a Chili's fan. What was your last conversation about? Mom and I were just talking about what a mush the cat is, haha. Who is your favorite person to debate or discuss with? Yo fuck debates, I got mad anxiety over that kind of stuff. Are you more likely to praise or insult yourself? Why? Insult. I don't even believe myself when I try praising, so it's not worth the effort. I have a billion and two reasons. Do you enjoy cloudy days? Why or why not? Honestly, not very much anymore. I've found that it actually does affect my mood. I like some cloud coverage, though. Would it bother you to be forgotten after death? Yes, even though when you think about it, most of us will be. I want to do stomething so badly; not even particularly something major, but just contribute to things and causes that matter and slowly change the world for the better. It's especially likely I will be forgotten though at some point because I don't want kids, so my blood isn't carrying on. Do you tend to prefer healthy or unhealthy snacks? Ugh, unhealthy. Has anyone ever asked you for diet advice? I think so, back when I started recovery and lost like 60 lbs fast as fuck. I wasn't even dieting though, just... came off awful meds. What age is your youngest aunt? Ummmm I have no clue. Do you like bowling? Yeah, it's fun, but I'm not good at it. Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire? Totally. Do you prefer sweet or sour fruits? Sweet. How're your dancing skills? Rusted to the point of just not functional anymore lmao. What brand of batteries do you usually get? I don't pay attention to the kind Mom gets. Are any of your friends pregnant or have kids? A lot of my FB friends have kids. At least two are pregnant, but I only consider myself remotely close to one. I'm beyond worried about how she's going to be as a mom. Where's the strangest place a fast food restaurant was located? I've certainly seen some questionable placement in busy areas, but none that are super odd. Do you stay up all night on New Years Eve/Day or go to bed after 12am? I don't care nowadays; I just stay up until I'm tired like every other night.
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1ddiscourseoftheday · 5 years
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Wed 18 Sept
Stack It Up is out and Liam is everywhere, talking, performing, getting naked... Most of the other boys have pretty set talking points they stick to and you can kinda recap but Liam is just out there saying so many things, different things everywhere and I can't tell you all of them! General recap, WOW Liam is genuinely just so incredibly personable and lovely and funny, what a pleasure to see so much of him (the interviews I'm not even talking about that yet.) Tip of the day, definitely go watch the Liam Answers the Internet video it's truly hilarious and unbelievably charming. Other things: he talks about his album a lot and says it's done and coming, announced the song drop with a video of him playing piano, called Louis a proper diva and said 1D used to fight about clothes like "sisters," said he finds Bear being into music scary because "this job’s a little scary… just like the amount of stuff that comes with it," and tries to say the song isn't just about making money even while admitting that when he first got it he was like idk about this it's just about making money. The video is out and there's that big pink triangle, lots of times, and in case you didn't get a good enough look it was included in the pre drop teaser stills again too. Oh yeah and he played a small show in NY and said (about the coming underwear campaign) that he'll be "slutting it up on billboards soon," and a fucking naked picture dropped (to Liam's surprise apparently) like his bits are behind a curtain but BARELY. Lord help us all there's really... a lot of Liam coming soon.
He also talks about Louis a bunch, saying "I always had a special relationship (with him) because we were both trying to lead the band... we used to work together as a little team," that he talks to him the most of any of the boys currently, and "he's been through such a tough time. He's grown through the experience. Watching him mature... and confront everything head on... one thing he said to me was that 'nothing else can hurt me now.'"
Louis' first US KMM interview happened and what a good one, I love chilled out late night Louis! He talks about working with nice "inclusive" songwriters, basically confirms that KMM is about drugs "alcohol or... something" ("you're right on this one, you're pretty right"), and asked about the recent quote about making things up for interviews in the past said that was always especially funny to do when it was about a "relationship that wasn’t actually a relationship" .... UMMMM. All right, that's... a thing Louis just said out loud. Amazing. They continue to really try to push KMM YouTube views, today with an ig swipe up, he liked Liam's SIU post, tweeted thanks again to everyone for watching the Madrid show and posted KMM fanart, and Polari brand used his picture to let us know that the famous hoodie is available for purchase again if you too would like to rep the secret British language of the gays.
Pap pics of Harry popped up, from Sept 12 in London and last night in LA, rocking the Palm Springs Retired Gay lewk, and he was photographed leaving a restaurant with the Executive VP of Columbia Records.
Niall played the BMW PGA Pro-Am and took one million fan pics including a bunch of pictures with a baby, he's just every inch the future political power player that one. His Glass magazine interview also came out and it's gonna to have to wait! Until tomorrow! Because this is already very long! Shoulda dropped it earlier Neil thems the breaks.
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flyingcookierambles · 4 years
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so i finished reading the northern caves
hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)
i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?
so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!
so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.
if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 
then things so super wrong. 
so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.
so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.
yeahhhhh.
so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 
i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.
but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 
the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 
JimWind:
Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this
“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”
I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:
Sally:
Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(
before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.
idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 
the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.
when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.
i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.
idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.
tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?
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spottedtrains-blog · 5 years
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henlo heathens  !  it’s ur girl t(r)asha  ,  [ uh did u kno ( r ) = that symbol .. cos i didn’t .. wild ] back with her dumbasses . i was around for the Og™ rp but i made some changes to my charries so yeet  !  everything is under the cut and hmu if you’d like to plot  ,  i’m v excited to rp with everyone  !   i’m currently prepping to get on a train back to my hometown for reading week but if no one sits next to me i might fucc around ‘n rp a bit if not .. then i’ll be sticking to the im’s fhgjkhg <33
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my son  !  bobby callaghan is his name - movies , reckless driving , drugs , and befriending murderers is his game  !  i have a bio HERE b/c i’m incapable of making intro posts that aren’t 100k bullet points long so in order to get away from that i’m just gonna put a few fun hc’s below  !
his actual name is robert , but that’s a disgusting boring name , for boring people and he’s not gonna be that ! he thinks he’s the coolest , the bee’s knees , the lead singer . in reality he’s not , more like the drummer and the bee’s ass .
he’s actually rly smart , but u wldn’t be able to tell b/c he acts like a crackhead ( mayhaps because he’s on crack ? hm ) . he had the grades to study any the stem subjects post high school and prolly wld’ve thrived , but he chose to study cinema .. truly , braver than the us marines .
speaking of , he’s the owner of the theatre and he loves with it his whole entire ( probably ) failing heart ! if cinema is dying he’ll go down with this ship mhm . his favorite genre is horror , then pornography .. he wrote his final thesis on the benefits of pushing porn into mainstream media so fite him ! his fave director is david cronenberg /: hit him with that body horror .. also i like to hc that ownership was like passed down from the old owner who retired and bobby probably worked as like an usher or manager or something before that !!
his dicc is struggling , mayhaps he should cool it with the drugs .
he’s well aware of the gangs , fuccs with them , no. 1 murder fanboy .
WANTED CONNECTIONS 
and they were roommates : listen they prolly have a kinda nice apartment which bobby makes disgusting , b/c he’s stinky . most definitely started a fire on the stove top multiple times , place always smells like weed , his room looks like urban outfitters on crack , always a movie playing in the bg ... fun ! 
movie skwad / film club : listen , ur chara like movies ? they in . if there’s a film club bobby can hosts screenings at the theatre .. also he screens a selection of weird finds every sunday after midnight ): it’ll be fun , they can all just chill , and discuss tarantino’s foot fetish .. 
co-workers / manager : i mean ig it’s kinda hard for someone to pick up this connection if they not a new charrie but i love being dumb so .. he’s probably at the theatre 25/8 but like ,, he’s not the most organized , he relies on his trusty staff and manager so , idk !
drug dealer : even tho he’s from colorado springs i’d like to think he got into drugs after a trip down to valdez , and then he kept goin to valdez and the rest is history .. they’d probably have  to be around the same age as hi m .. he’s a v loyal customer . maybe ur muse feels bad that he’s a right junkie .. maybe they don’t give a fucc ! they prolly v friendly tho : ) 
childhood friends :  listen to sticks ’n’ stones by jamie t , and give me a friendship based on that ? basically kids who just got into a bunch of shit together ,  mostly this iconic lyric : and rushed back to your momma’s flat , it’s the only place but home i feel relaxed enough to crap , i know it sounds crude , but there’s something to that . iconic .
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wow ! look at my daughter go - even though frances barely ever smiles . sad . click HERE for the tragic backstory , because below’s just gonna be some smexy headcanons .. 
she loves electronic music and bad television .. she wouldn’t be able to tell you the name of the music ‘cos it’s always the stuff that plays at the club and she’s not technologically savvy enough to even know that shazam exist .. and she still uses like dvr , to record .. riverdale ? sweaty we wanna stan but .. 
dancing’s her only reprieve in this cold , dark world ): .. she spends any days off in a rented studio at the local gym , choreographing dance after dance , it’s her favourite thing . she’s entirely self-taught , youtube & free drop in classes .. truly a blessing . 
she’s painfully realistic , kinda blunt but in a rly awkward way ? she so conscientious of the way people receive her so she tries to be as direct as possible and it always comes off just so blank - she cares a lot, just doesn’t kno how to show it sometimes !
although she’s with the savages b/c she’s kinda indebted , she doesn’t rly feel that way ? girlie was rly depressed n it kinda gave her a purpose , though she does have guilt regarding her evading jail time .. b/c she thinks she deserves some kind of repercussion.
WANTED CONNECTIONS
college friends : she was literally in college for like a year .. barely .. but like maybe she found some friends ! who introduced her to the clubs ! gave her a lil bit of verve in life .. even if she spent the rest of the year drinking , clubbing and avoiding all academic responsibility .. 
someone to learn that awfully cringy riverdale dance : don’t ask me why i want this, i just do and it’s VALID ok ! c’mon cowards it’ll be fun . they’ll be laughin while they do the slut drop it’ll be booty-ful
childhood friends : she’s a valdez native so like, she went to school here and grew up here and all that good stuff . up for any dynamic , maybe they grew apart , maybe they’re still just as close ? anything !
grocery store pals : even though she doesn’t work there anymore, she had been working there since she was fourteen and worked there for abt a decade give or take so suffice to say she knows her grocery store peeps ! n shops there regularly so hmu :) 
lawyer : for when the thingy happened ! she probably has a strained relationship with them , grateful but also like .. shoulda just let me rot in jail kinda vibes !
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Marx Mem
Aighty this is long and it gets a bit dark I guess? Idk its a panic attack mem so.. Warned ig
After a really bad day at the news station (Katie and other various bosses being total fucking dicks. Writing 3 whole news reports in a single day AND Having to take care of food stuffs for the day cause our intern fucking d ied or something) I stumbled home fucking exhausted.
Pretty much the moment I get inside my apartment bastard speaks up "I can't believe you're tired. You barely did anything today."
I tilt my head back and forth and in a mocking tone I talk back "oh sure writing three full length news stories in a single day while making sure the staff is fed and keeping Katie off my damn back is nothing. Su r e"
I pull my gloves off, untie my bowtie and pull off my jacket as I head to the bathroom. Just wanna shower and pass the fuck out, I don't care that it's like 5pm, I deserve a damn nap. I realize I'm far to exausted to stay awake for an entire shower so I just opt for cleaning my face and hoping I dont just conk out on my bathroom floor.
I stand infront of the sink and just space out staring at the faucet for at least a minute. When I snap back to reality I look to my mirror- Surprised to see my actual reflection for a moment before bastard pops up. "Katie was right you know. You're such a slacker~ And you don't write nearly enough stories for her! The head anchor. Sure Tom is nicer to you but he shouldn't be doing the most talking! Keep the camera on Katie, Marx!! You're a man of taste, you know that everyone just tunes in for Katies chest- Hell thats why you tune in. 'Course you already know everything she's gonna say. Unless she throws your script away, like she really should every time cause you write utter filth. I'm surprised she even tries to read the mess you give her each day."
I honestly just stare tiredly into the mirror as he goes on and on, nodding occasionally cause I'm tired enough to believe him. His words blur out at this point and I manage to splash my face with water before tiredly making the stupidest comment I could possibly make while bastard is really active, "God I wish Angel and Bee were here-"
And bastard laughs at me. "Now why could you possibly want that???"
"Oh I dunno maybe it's cause I'm exhausted and curling up with my hoard seems really fucking nice, you pathetic piece of shit."
"Ah yeah I'm the 'piece of shit' have ya seen yourself lately?"
"Oh I'd love to but you seem to always take my reflections place."
"Oh wow Marxy has a bite now, huh?"
I glare into the mirror "Don't call me that."
"Why? Cause your precious little Angel gave it to ya? C'mon Marxy lighten up, it's not like I'm real."
I roll my eyes. Again with the "not real" thing, huh? Okay yeah sure. "Yeah, them being here would be great... I'd love to ignore you for the night." I turn from the mirror, ready to go sleep but-
He seems to not like when I want to ignore him... Cause- well thats when he brings out the big guns "What makes you think they want to be here?"
I freeze... He usually doesn't get to me like this... But ya know- I'm exhausted.. And hearing that one sentence makes my mind swarm with all the things Angel and Bee could be saying about me- about how much they could hate me... I can't shake it away with logic cause it practically doesnt exist in this moment. I turn back to the mirror. "I- I don't-"
"Exactly. There's no reason for either of them to want to be around you."
"Y- yeah-" I nod slowly and lean against the wall, glancing at the mirror for a moment before looking to the floor.
"I mean, just look at you! You're pathetic!"
I listen and look back to the mirror, my reflection is back. My eye bags are huge, my hairs a mess (more so than usual), he's right. I look pathetic... Of course I do. I always do... I slide down the wall, mostly due to my legs being to tired to hold me up, but also cause it's where I belong. The floor is the proper home for someone who looks like such trash.
"Do you really think they care about you? Oh sure Angel's stopped taking blood but who's to say thats his choice? He probably stopped cause Charlies buckling down on his drug problems~ If thats the case, then why would he bother to still have sex with you? Maybe you've somehow convinced him you're the only one he should be with? How cruel... Why should you hold him back? Why even bother talking to him when you're so controlling and possessive??"
I bring my knees closer to my chest, instinctively curling up to try and block him out. I try to mumble a stop but only manage a small squeak. I feel my claws digging into my arms but dont do anything to stop it.
"Oh and Dont even get me started on Bee! You're clearly manipulating him too! Why else would he call you "boss"? Why else would he do nearly anything you ask of him? Oh sure he could easily take you down if he found a problem with you, but what if you're all he has? He puts up with your constant abuse because he thinks he can't get anyone else? Do you really think he wants to put up with you? That either of them do?"
I shake my head. I dont know if I'm answering him if trying to refuse it.
"Just look at what happened with Baxter. How long until you somehow corrupt them aswell?"
"B-"
"Pfft- Surely you didnt think Baxters actions were his own?? My my, Marx I knew you were stupid but I didnt realize it was that bad. You obviously made Baxter feel inferior, even you knew that. But you never dealt with it. You let it fester and grow. I bet you just loved watching Baxter hate himself all because of you? Don't try to deny me, Marxy. I know it all, its so incredibly obvious I'm surprised nobodies figured it out yet... Then again, if you cant even figure this out about yourself, then maybe your friends have the intelligence of rocks!"
Now I feel a few tears run down my cheeks and go to wipe them- But.. Well I suppose I've broken skin on my arms cause I just smear blood on my face.
"Oh nice job you fucking idiot. What are people gonna say when they see those scars? They'll think you're some kind of edgy teenager. Then again- you might aswell be. Constantly wanting the attention of others."
I shake my head harder, hands moving from my arms to my head "n-no... It- it was an accident-"
"Awe... But that doesn't matter Marx! The point is that you did it in the first place!"
I whimper and shake- pulling my hair hard enough that I feel I should be pulling out hairs.
I hear the faintest door in the distance- due to how muffled it sounds I assume it's a neighbors door...
Bastard.. Thankfully quiets down for a moment- I manage to move my hands back to my arms- I can't loosen their grip... But scraped up arms are easier to deal with than a scraped up head.
Then Angel comes in- "Ma- Oh my god- Bee! Bee I found him-!" Angel crouches down beside me and very carefully grabs my hands, and pulls them from my arms. "Marx wh- What happened?"
I hear bastard laugh from the mirror "You can't tell him. He won't believe you."
"I-"
Bee comes in- Fast. "Boss?!" I assume Angels tone must've scared him- and well. He scares me- I jump, grabbing my arms again and my wings pop up.
Angel grumbles "Damnit- Bee ya scared 'im-"
I scoot away before Angel can try to pry my hands free again-
"Mar-?"
"N-no no- you're- You're not supposed to be here-"
Bee crouches down by Angel, "Boss what're ya talkin 'bout?"
"Oh you're finally pushing them away now?" I glance at the mirror- bastard is just eating this up.
My hands get tighter as my eyes dart back to Angel and Bee. I stare like a deer in headlights- expecting them to.. I dont know- do.. Something...
Angel turns to Bee "Bee see if you can find some bandages- I'll... Try and calm him back down..."
Bee nods, gives me a sad/worried look then gets up and leaves the room. Angel shuffles over to me, and I instinctively push myself farther into the corner.
"Marx I'm not gonna hurt you- it's alright..."
"He's talking to you like youre an animal. He sees you as dangerous. He has every right to. You could attack at any moment."
"Sh- s hut up-"
Angel tilts his head "Wh-?"
"Awe look how cute, he thinks you're talking to him."
"Shut up"
"Mar-" He looks concerned... Possibly scared..
"You're scaring him~ Of course you are... You probably scare him often.."
I shoot up, yelling toward the mirror "I said shUT UP!!!" I hear a loud thud and suddenly my hand hurts- I punched my wall...
Theres a small crash in the kitchen and Bee comes running in, holding a roll of bandages- I look down to Angel- And yeah.. He looks scared- So does Bee- I drop my hand from the wall and back away the few inches I can without stumbling into my bath-
"C-can't... Can't you hear it" I try not to physically cringe at how... Pathetic I sound
I hear bastard laugh, and Bee and Angel exchange a confused look.
"Hear... What, Boss?"
"I- it. The voice. I- I can't- I can't be the only one-" One hand goes back to my hair.
"Oh you sad, sad man..."
Angel gets up and comes over to me- Grabbing the hand in my hair and pulling it down before I can start pulling. "Marxy.... Hun- Are you alright...?" He lowers me onto the side of the tub.
I stare at the floor, squinting slightly "I-... I don't???"
Angel gestures at Bee, he steps over, handing Angel the bandage roll then sitting next to me. He puts a hand on my back, rubbing small circles.
"Let me see your arms, Marxy-"
With the extra exhaustion from the panic attack I just tiredly listen to him, flopping my arms on my lap- my wings vanishing. Angel starts wrapping them up. I feel myself yawn, and I lean on Bee, he moves from rubbing my back to putting his two arms on that side around me. I feel myself starting to doze off- but I'm still jumping awake each time.
When Angel finishes wrapping my arms, he picks me up and heads for the bed. I glare at the bandages, My tired dragon brain doesn't like them... So I bite at them- Or at least I try but Angel baps my nose. "Don't you even try, Mister."
I tiredly whine and grumble, flopping into Angels chest. "B u t.... I dont-"
"I dont care if ya don't like 'em, you need to heal and bitin your bandages aint gonna help."
Angel sets me down on the bed and I pbbthh at him. Him and Bee climb in on either side of me and I yawn again.
"Sounds like ya need to sleep, Boss-"
"Mmrmm..." I roll over and face Bee, "No shit... Katie n the others worked me like a dog t'day..." I shove my face into the Matress
"Don't they overwork you every day?"
"Ye s it was just worse this time"
I feel Bee pat my back a few times, and Angel cuddles up to my side and starts talkin, "Well we wanted to go to the bar- But a nap sounds pretty nice instead..."
Bee hums in agreement- he doesn't lay down though... Just stays sitting next to me and keeps a hand on my back.
There's a few moments of silence, but I eventually pass out.
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