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endlessnightlock · 11 months

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Hi! Here to request #43 from your smut prompts 😍 Would be nice to have it in a “growing back together, post-mj” context! Kinda see it as Katniss asking Peeta this as he seems to be just naturally good at everything Katniss related ~ if you catch my drift~, also with the whole “having two older brothers” thing, I’m pretty sure he’s gotten some “advice”.

Thanks! ❤️

“Are you sure this is your first time?”

Thanks Anon!

Inexperienced Smut Prompts

Katniss had always assumed their first time would be not great. Not that she had any expectations, it was just something she’d accepted as fact and didn’t think about too much because your first sexual encounter was just that—a first of many. That a guy’s first time was over before it began, which the girl was alright with because her first experience with penetration would hurt and leave her sore and bleeding.

Yeah, that wasn’t how it was going.

Cut to her lying in bed, gasping for breath and Peeta sliding up her body with a cocky grin. His mouth and chin wet from making her come around his fingers and tongue she didn’t know how many times.

He captured her lips and they kissed hotly. He laid on top of her, pinning her down, the feel of his bare skin making her crazy. He smiled against her mouth as she sunk languidly into the mattress, moaning around his tongue, turned on beyond words by the taste of her in his mouth. It surprised her how much she liked that intimate possession.

The room was humid, their bodies sticky and damp with sweat and the sheer amount of her slippery arousal. Everything felt hot and dirty in the best way.

Their hips moved restlessly together until he sat back with a gasp, taking his cock in hand. She watched him with wide eyes. She couldn’t wait to have him inside of her.

He hovered over her, his sturdy hips and muscled thighs heavy between her legs. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” she said, hips rolling unconsciously up when he rubbed the head of his cock through her folds. He didn’t fumble looking for her entrance, finding his way inside of her, coming in with a slick slide. He was all the way in, she was sure, but there wasn’t any pain. His shaft was thick and rigid. It was too much but absolutely perfect. She writhed beneath him, waiting for him to move.

“Uhm, you feel so good,” he whispered in her ear, voice thick like honey.

Even his voice like this was doing things to her. She clawed at his back in desperation.

Her nerves were sensitive from the myriad of other ways he’d made her come, leaving her overstimulated and overwhelmed. She thought a few more thrusts was all it would take to get her to come on his cock. She thought he could make her come all night if he wanted to.

“Yeah?” He murmured, slowing down his thrusts, moving in and out shallowly, never thrusting fully into her the way she wanted him to. His eyes dropped to her chest, watching her breasts bounce lightly.

“Peeta,” she whined, shifting restlessly beneath his hips.

“Touch your breasts for me,” he said, smirking. It was like he could do this to her all night.

She scowled at him

“I’ll give you what you want if you do,” he said in a sing-song tone, rolling his hips deeply into her. The motion made her breath catch.

Knowing she would do almost anything he wanted to get him moving, she cupped herself beneath his watchful eye. “Like that?” she asked, face hot with shame but desperate for release.

“Yeah, squeeze them for me. I want to watch you.”

She complied, finding it wasn’t difficult touching herself in front of him.

And he gave her what she wanted, but he took his time getting her there. By the time she finally came her mind and body seemed to separate leaving her soaring above herself.

He followed her over the edge, collapsing on top of her when they were done.

“You love me, real or not real?” He whispered, lips pressed against her ear.

She smiled. That answer was as easy as the rest had been. “Real. But Peeta,I have to ask you something.”

“What?”

She sucked in a breath. “Are you sure this is your first time doing this?”

He pushed up, his face hovering inches above hers. He looked confused. “Well, yeah.” He said, flopping l onto the other side of the bed. “Why?”

He turned his head to look her in the eye. She threaded her fingers through his, letting their hands drop between them to rest on the mattress. “I thought our first time wasn’t going to be like that. You know, not good. That’s what I’ve always heard.”

A snort came from him. “So it wasn’t terrible?”

She grinned shyly. “No, no it wasn’t. It was really amazing. But why was it like that?”

He laughed. “Katniss, I had older brothers. And I may have done some research once I thought sex might be a possibility.” He stared at the ceiling, avoiding her eyes, cheeks reddening more than they already were beneath her focused gaze. “And I may have jerked off a couple of times before coming over here tonight,” he admitted sheepishly.

Once she had her uncharacteristic giggle fit at his admission under control she sighed, leaning over and kissing him, arms resting on his chest. “I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He buried his hands in her hair and she leaned in to kiss him deeper, lips opening eagerly to receive him. “Well then. Why don’t you show me what a recent virgin can do,” he murmured, hand on her thigh, urging her to straddle him.

#endlessnightlock writes #everlark #everlark fanfiction #katniss everdeen/peeta mellark #smut #thg #everlark drabble

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melon-cream-enmu · 11 months

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Tw fem afab reader, plus size reader (as usual), noncon, monster fucking technically. Child death. This is literally just because I wanna fuck the spider demon father, there is no other reason. Reader is turned into a demon, reader has an attitude despite knowing she could die again just for getting on a demons nerves, is given to the father and Rui will give you his blood after the father approves of you (his approval is fucking you brainless), squirting, sex related body horror, organ destruction, his dick is much bigger than can actually fit in you but it doesn’t stop him, dick penetrating past where reproductive organs end, he reaches your stomach but never penetrates it cuz I don’t wanna write puke for you guys, organ regeneration, blood from sex, mind break. Uh, rui brings the current mother spider demon to see how the father likes you, so rui is present and watching for a moment while you’re getting fucked so if that makes you uncomfy then please don’t read. Rui is ageless or aged however you want him to be. Rui kills mother spider demon. Reader is mind broken, shows Rui motherly love.

“You seem capable. You’ll be my mother.”

You were confused and frightened. All you had done was follow the crying. At the base of the mountain, you’d heard it, and against your better judgment, followed the sound in the dead of night. Past trees and brush, further and further up. It had been so quiet when you first heard it, but the closer you moved the louder it became.

Gut wrenching sobs, they sounded so scared. When you finally found them you approached slowly. They were dressed in white, now dirty from laying on the ground. When you called out they looked up, and you only had a moment to dwell on their appearance before they ran to you.

You had knelt as you came upon them, and they took to crawling into your lap and holding you tightly as if they’d known you forever. Her tears soaked your clothes near instantly as she shivered and sobbed. She looked up at you and wailed, allowing you to see her sharp fangs.

You’d heard stories of demons. Everyone had, but you’d thought them to only be scary words of warning told to children, but as you sat and cradled this child, you knew they were real. You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t have it in your heart to push her away, she may be a demon, but she was still a child. You were in danger, but as you held her head to your chest and softly hushed her, you did your best to disregard your own fear.

You shouldn’t have. You should’ve ran with the girl. Found a way to keep her safe for a while. Tried to help. But you’d sat there, sat until the crunch of leaves under foot alerted you to another presence.

“What are you doing.”

The child gasped and turned to face…a boy? A boy, similar in looks to the child but you could tell something was wrong. “I’m sorry, I heard crying and I felt I should-“ you were slapped in the face with something wet and slimy, feeling your lips seal and your face grow cold. “Shut up. Sister, what are you doing.”

The child cowered, slowly standing off of your lap. She was terrified, had been this whole time, but it seemed much worse. “I was…going for a walk…” she kept her head up, trying to keep eye contact but she was trembling. The man doesn’t emote, face staying the same, cold and harsh. “Why were you with a human? Why are you crying?” She began crying harder, shaking as she kept in her sobs. “You go to your family for comfort. You don’t go to anyone else, you don’t need anyone else.” She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t stop it. She began to cry, wailing and choking on hiccuped breaths and she wiped her eyes. “I can’t! I can’t! You’re scary! You’re mean to me! You’re not my brother, I don’t know you! I want my mama-“

You watch in horror as she’s snatched into the air by something you can’t see, and when your body tries to stand she’s already back on the ground in front of you. Landing with a loud thump, you see her head has been cut from her body. Your hands shakily come to her face to touch her cheeks softly, but she’s already fading away before your tears can fall to the ground. Your throat hurts as you think to yourself. ‘How could you?’

You look in the direction of the man, your face twisted in anger that falls quickly. He no longer stands ahead of you, he now stands before you. Looking down at you, his eyes pierce your soul and fill you with a chill that feels like it could freeze your blood. “You mourn for a child you’ve just met, a demon no less” you scoot back in the dirt, wanting to be as far from him as possible. “Mother must not be doing her job if sister was so upset…she’ll have to be discarded. We’ll need a new mother…” his eyes had trailed away in thought, but they now return to you.

“You seem capable. You’ll be my mother.” You have no time to wonder what he means, nor do you have time to scream, as something thin wraps tightly around your neck, cutting off your air and slowly cutting through skin. You mouth gapes, your lungs seeking air. As you look at him pleadingly you observe as he moves his hand. It’s quick, you were hardly able to see it at all, but one moment his hand was intact, the next, his ring, middle, and forefinger are missing from the second knuckle up, having disappeared with a sickening snap and a horrid squelch.

He shoves the broken, bleeding fingers in your mouth, pushing them far down your throat. Your eyes widen and you claw at his hand while you try to scream. All that comes out is a wet gurgling that your body soon choked upon, forcing the blood down your throat in a desperate attempt to clear itself. He speaks as you begin to grow nauseous and dizzy. “I’ve never had a mother like you, we’ll see what father thinks of you.”

Your ears ring and throb as you come to. Your eyes struggle to open, and you feel rocks and twigs snag at your robes as you’re dragged along the forest floor. When your mind clears of its fog you have just a moment to take in your surroundings before you’re thrown backwards. You tumble on the ground but soon pick yourself up on your elbows. The ringing in your ears is fading quickly, as you hear muffled speaking. “Father, I’ve brought someone. She’s stronger than mother, I only turned her an hour ago and she’s already holding herself up.” You feel the ground quake as something or someone lands behind you. “I want to replace mother, I’ll bring her here later and see if you like this one.”

The man leaves, leaves you alone with whatever is behind you. Their breathing is harsh, cracking and wet, and there’s clicking sounds and quiet snapping movements. You turn to face them with a frown, ready to snap at them for practically breathing in your ear, but your heart stops at the sight of them.

He’s terrifying. Tall, monstrously tall, with muscles that assured you he could kill you without even trying. But worst of all is his face, it’s not human, where two eyes should be there are several more surrounding them, where a nose and mouth should be, a giant gaping maw with gnarled teeth and fangs take their place. On instinct you push him away, a bad decision as you’re then roughly grabbed and turned onto your back. You can’t see it but you can feel his eyes moving down your form, and your hairs stand on end.

His hands move from where they’d been pinning your shoulders down and he grips the fabric covering you. He then rips your clothes off you. You gasp, as his hands continue to pull and shred what’s in his way until all that’s left is what’s under you, keeping your body from touching the dirt ground. You glare at him, and go to throw some harsh words but all your confidence and anger vanish in exchange for fear as his hands engulf the meat of your hips and lift them. A shriek leaves your lips as you’re placed in an uncomfortable position, shoulders and head still on the ground and bearing the weight of the rest of your body as he brings your hips near his face.

With how giant his hands are he has no problem hooking his thumbs beneath and between your heavy thighs and holding your legs open. You can feel his breath on you as he lowers his head, you can hear his large inhale as he breathes in the scent of your cunt, you can feel the gravely purr he makes that vibrates his body. Your eyes widen as his tongue, thick and long and wet, slowly falls from his mouth, drool pooling on it before dripping down slowly to land wetly on your lips. Your body jolts, it’s grossly warm and followed by his hot tongue smoothing over you lips, spreading saliva on the skin and hair. He increases the pressure behind its strokes and soon parts your folds, groaning at the taste. He continues to lap up your slick, now increasing at the unfortunate pleasure your fear has not yet let your mind feel. He’s messy, wetness trailing down the front of your mound and pooling at the fold beneath your tummy, soon over flowing and dripping to your belly button. You want to push him away but your arms are growing painfully tired in this position. His tongue smooths over your clit every time and each stroke sends a pleasurable jolt in your gut.

Then, when it feels like it’s been forever and a half of this stimulation, the tip of his tongue presses into your hole. You panic and writhe, finding your voice to yell at him now. “No no don’t put it in don’t you dare fucking-!” You choke on a gasp as the wet muscle penetrates you forcefully, spreading you wide and wiggling deep. You feel the tip tickle your cervix and you feel like you might puke. His chuckle fans puffs of hot air on your sensitive clit and you whimper. He withdraws his tongue slightly before pushing back in, writhing around and massaging every inch of your walls. You whine as your gut twists hard and you feel nauseous, gripping the fabric beneath you so tight your nails begin to tear it as they grow sharper.

You don’t know how much longer you can take it as a moan pours from your lips as you cum, a small stream of fluids escaping past his tongue and squirting onto it and yourself. He keeps going, he doesn’t stop and it’s torture. Your entire body is trembling, and you can’t even find the strength to stop the sounds coming from your mouth. You get a moment to breathe before it’s torn from your lungs in a gasp as he moves you. You grip his hands on your body tightly, nails digging into his tough skin as you try to keep steady. Soon, there’s a weight pressing between your legs.

His one hand, wrapped around your middle and holding you there, is accompanied by his other holding one of your legs aside to allow him access to your cunt. You’re cunt, that’s currently being met with a dick of an impossible size. You cry out and flail. This isn’t possible, it’s too big, too long, yet he’s pushing the tip at your hole, parting your slick lips and rubbing up and down. He pushes then pulls back, multiple times, easing it against you until he jerks you forward, slamming the tip in you. You choke out a scream and fear you may throw up. He stills for a moment, watching as your hands adjust on his while shaking.

And then you’re screaming again. Really truly screaming, because he slowly pushes more in side you, and your body is tearing. Blood pouring down his cock, his legs, dripping from your body onto the ground. Your walls are being tugged apart and torn to shreds. But what makes it worse is you can can feel your body healing as quickly as it’s tearing.

He can feel it. The skin of your lips reforming and connecting around him, your hole closing tightly around him before tearing again as he pushes further. Your walls do the same, gummy flesh bubbling and connecting around him for a moment before falling to pieces again and repeating. It’s near instantaneous.

“None of the previous mothers have been this durable. Let’s hope you don’t break.”

He’s still only a few inches inside you with much left to go, and as you feel immense pressure against your cervix you know he isn’t going to stop. You feel it push until it can’t move any further, and then it tears, just as the rest of you is, and he pushes forward. You’re breathing so fast you fear you may pass out, but the pain keeps you very aware of every move.

“No….please no….” You beg as he pushes the rest of the way in, tearing your intestines, reformed and empty like all of your organs from your transformation, and reaching so far you can feel his wide tip nudge your stomach. He settles, holding your body tight against his, skin to skin, you feel his chest rumble in an approving growl. He can intimately feel the fibers of your muscles and organs reforming around him, snug and perfectly fit, as if your body wants him inside. You still have your human features, (e/c) eyes staring up at him in terror. Eyes that widen so much it must hurt as he pulls out and thrusts roughly back into you. Your scream echos in the forest, it has to have been heard by the people in the village, giving them one more reason to never venture inside it. Blood gushes from your cunt onto his abdomen and it makes fucking you easier, though you’re not any less tight.

You can barely see through your tears and can barely feel anything but the pain of your insides tearing and reforming with every thrust, meanwhile threads of pleasure weave their way with every nerve and fiber of flesh. He lifts your body, still pumping you along his length as he brings his face near yours, pincers moving and feeling for you the closer you get. You shake your head and press against his shoulders, kicking your legs and trying to twist away. You don’t want to kiss this monster, but every effort is useless. They tap your cheeks as his large tongue worms its way into your mouth, stroking yours and reaching for your throat. It’s so thick your lips are forced to rest softly around it, making you suck it as you desperately try to breathe through your nose. He seems to appreciate it, moaning and adjusting his hold on you, one hand under your ass and the other behind your back with his thumb at your breast, pressing and massaging your nipple.

Your body tightens, limbs stretching and muscles growing taught while your head slumps back. His tongue slips from your mouth and a thick string of drool follows, draping down your chin to land wetly on your neck and chest. You know you’ve cum several times already, felt that familiar feeling faintly through the pain but this one was different. You felt it in its entirety, something other than blood gushing out past his dick and onto the demon. Your arms grew weak and fell from his chest. Hazily you noticed his hips take on a leisurely pleasurable rock instead of the ruthless pace he’d set when he started violating your insides. He chitters as he feels your hips wiggle slightly. You’re looking for more.

As he slowly fucks his first load into you, you lift yourself as much as you can, staring at your stomach, pressing a hand to it shakily. The other touches his abs softly, fingertips brushing the skin while you’re oblivious to your own action. You look at his face with a strange expression. He can see you’re thinking, or maybe your brain is refusing to think, but it doesn’t matter as he turns you around on his dick and lets you hang there as he thrusts hard. Your pelvis shatters at the force, bones forming back together by the time he thrusts back in. Groans leave your lips as he fucks you, your body limp and taking him without resistance, and though your organs are still destroyed with every intrusive push, they reform looser and looser, trying to form themselves to fit him.

The world is spinning for so long, countless orgasms pass before your eyes close and remain so from exhaustion. You’re pumped full of cum, so many loads that it constantly leaks and splatters on the ground in globs yet there is still so much inside you. He can feel you heavy belly distending with so much inside it, and he squeezes you occasionally, watching his cum spurt out aggressively past the tight connection of your bodies before he fills you up with more again.

Your moans grow loud, desperate and wanting. You must be hours into the night, several hours have passed since this demon began to take you. You whine, a sound so pleasant to his ears. You muster up all the strength you can and move your hand between your legs. You shakily rub your clit and mewl at the sensation. You pant pathetically as his dick floods your insides again, pace unyielding. He sees your arm and wonders what you’re doing until he feels your walls squeeze him so tight you milk his load from him. He can’t believe it. He turns your body back around to face him.

You’re smiling. Lips glossy and wet, drool dripping from them as you pant and moan and whine. Your eyes stare at his hazily with a look of eager pleasure. Your hand is between your legs, fingers messily rubbing your clit as your hips make every effort they can to get more of his cock despite the fact he hasn’t stopped. He chuckles darkly, deep and loud and echoing through the trees. He holds you with one hand, leaning back and admiring you as he fucks himself with your body like it’s a toy. His voice is gruff as he speaks down at you. “Yeah? You like that?” Slowing to a relaxed pace he can feel how your body no longer destroys itself, having reformed to fit perfectly, now molded just for his cock.

You’re squirming again, allowing him to squeeze your plush flesh harder to keep you steady. You whine like a brat. “C’mon please, go faster! I want you more!” His laughter is loud, so deep you can feel it rumble in him as he fucks you faster again. You squeal and moan and pant and whine, shamelessly letting anyone nearby know how much you love his cock in you. How much you love him. Your voice wobbles and you’re bounced at such a frantic pace, “yes yes yes, fuck, I love your cock! I love you, gimme more!” Liquid gushes from you with every thrust, and your legs are throughly sticky with the massive loads of his cum that have been squirted from your hole by his aggressive pounding. Your nerves are buzzing, it feels like lightning down your spine and you love it.

At the far edge of the clearing, just within the trees, Rui stands watching with his mother tied up and dragged along with him. Your voices are far but they echo. Father greatly enjoys you, and you’re eagerly submissive and loving, just how a mother should. Just how his mother isn’t. She watches from the ground, disgusted. What a freak, a whore you are to be enjoying that. It was a painful and humiliating ordeal anytime that monster forced her to pleasure him but you’re taking it without issue. You’re covered in blood and…other things, and it’s vile to look at. But she can’t take her eyes away, and she’s stiff as a board. She’s paralyzed with fear, knowing that this means death. She’s been replaced, she’s no longer needed. She watches fear and disgust twisting her gut as you reach up for him and beg for a kiss, which he gives you eagerly, letting you wrap your arms around his shoulders and holding you close. His hips crash into yours roughly and they still, and she watches with bile rising to her throat as cum escapes you in globs that land on the ground. How long ago did rui find you? It’s obvious that you’ve been stuffed so much that you can’t hold anymore, and she cringes as he lifts you off his dick and you leak more. You practically crawl up his body, resting your head on his shoulder and breathing heavily. And he holds you there, tight and secure, and she can hear his victorious chuckle as you draw mindless patters on his chest, even rubbing your back and groping you more.

“She’s only been a demon for several hours and she’s already doing your job better than you ever did.” Her head whips to Rui who doesn’t even look at her, too enraptured by the scene before him. She shakes with fear and begins to cry. “No please, I’ll do better! I-I can do better!” “Not better than her…” he says with a tilt of his head, watching how your slick body is caressed by his fathers hand and how you press kisses to his cheek and neck. His mother is writhing beside him, spitting pleas and desperate promises that soon get on his nerves. He wrenches her forward by her collar and makes her watch. She can feel the tread quickly wind around her neck and cut skin and her heart beats faster than it ever had.

With a squelching slice her head falls heavy to the ground. Soon, her body is crumbling and he shakes out her robes, freeing them of the gross remnants impatiently. The ground crunches under foot as he walks over to father. Your onslaught of love stops when he’s close and your head turns. Your eyes widen and your lips open in a happy gasp when you see his face, wiggling in his fathers arms until he sets you down. You rush forward and grab in a hug, wrapping your arms around him and swaying slightly. “Hello my son. It’s nice to meet you!” Rui can’t remember the last time he was hugged, or if he was ever given a kiss to his head like you did just now. He remains emotionless but you don’t seem to mind, face still happy when you pull away. You return to father and bounce excitedly on your feet. Rui tosses him mothers clothes that are now yours and he catches them without even looking. Their eyes haven’t left each others since Rui's approach but father looks away when you ask for a kiss.

He picks you up, chuckling as you lay a kiss to his fang before closing in on your face and touching you with his pincers as they extend to touch you. He throws your robes over his shoulder and walks into the trees, leaving Rui behind, still watching. “Where are we going?” you say with a giggle. “Somewhere to wash off.” “Oooh.” You hum in excitement, trailing your hand from his neck where you’d been playing with his hair. “And what else?” You’re drawing slow circles on his chest with your finger and he growls appreciatively. “Why, is that little brain of yours planning something?” Your eyes nearly sparkle as you giggle and give a teasing ‘maybe’. He can feel himself twitch at the thought of you so desperate to be fucked again this soon.

Rui stands in the clearing long after you’re out of site. He wonders when he’ll get a chance to give you more of his blood with how much you’ll want to be with father. Maybe you don’t need any at all. He walks off to inform his brothers and sisters of their new mom, if they hadn’t already figure it out from the noises you and father were making.

#THIS ONES REALLY TOASTED #ITS BURNT #cream slayer #toasted sugar cream #cream afab #cream fem #cream writes #tw noncon #cw noncon

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lionlena · 9 months

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Too many shadows behind you (JavierPeñaxf!reader) part 2: There are no shadows without light

Summary: You were born in Laredo, but you didn't meet Javier until he came back from Colombia. You quickly fell in love with him and became his wife. You were happy, but… Shadows of the past begin to haunt Javier, and you lose the fight for his love and look for it in the arms of someone else.

Generally, it's JavierxReader but Joel also appears. Feel warned.

Warnings: age gap, angst, hurt, PTSD, mentions about rape and murders, reader cheating her husband Javier, Yes you read that right, READER cheats on Javier, Javier is a faithful husband.

Sorry, I needed angst

When Javier returned to his hometown and retired, he did not expect anything positive. He had seen too much evil and suffering to count on happiness. He thought he would spend the rest of his life living with his father. He expected to grow more grouchy and lonely with each passing year. And yet, you came into his life. The first thing he noticed was your lemony perfume, and from then on he couldn't think of you other than you was his refreshing. You were like a cold lemonade to him on a hot day. You brought him back to life. Your youth and joy made him a little intimidated at first, but he knew enough about women to see that you were interested in him. But he was afraid you just wanted to have fun. Because why wouldn't you date younger men?

However, as he got to know you better, he realized that you were special and finally asked you out. But he didn't have sex with you after the first date, nor after the second or third date... It wasn't until after six that he took you to bed. You were too precious to him to treat you like a one-night stand, and he wanted you to know that.

Chucho also noticed this and started to pressure his son to settle down. He had some pretty reasonable arguments. Such a beautiful young girl can quickly find someone else. Javier knew it too. He'd seen the way other men looked at you and felt a pang of jealousy, as well as the anxiety of losing you. Even though you weren't interested in anyone else.

Finally, after half a year, he made a decision. He had many doubts, but all related to himself. He was afraid that his reputation would catch up with you. He was worried that he wouldn't give you the life you deserved. However, he took a risk and planned everything. He prepared a picnic and took you horseback riding. But just as he was about to propose to you, it started to rain. You hid under a tree, and since he wanted to be a gentleman to you and take care of you, he handed you his jacket so you wouldn't get cold. But he forgot that he had a ring box in his pocket. As you shoved your hands into pockets, he saw your eyes widen and realized he had ruined everything.

"Javi, is that?" you asked.

"Yes," he murmured. "I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to look like this... I was supposed to kneel there." He pointed to where the blanket was. "This was supposed to be…"

You didn't let him finish his sentence as you stood on your toes, wrapped your arms around his neck, and kissed him.

"Yes," you whispered into his mouth and started laughing.

Javier had never felt so happy. What in his eyes was a failure, you turned into a success. He grabbed your hips and lifted you, turning around with you in his arms. He laughed with you and realized that you are his light.

Even your quiet wedding wasn't a problem for you. Javier has seen you accept his past and reputation. Right after you got married, he decided one thing: he would be the best husband in the world.

And you, in his eyes, were the sweetest, best wife he could ever dream of. When he came home tired, you were waiting for him with dinner. You rubbed his back and told him about your day. You never held anything against him. One day when he wanted to make you breakfast he burned the pancakes, and you turned it into a joke. You told him he couldn't be too perfect, otherwise, he wouldn't be real.

So he tried to be the best version of himself for you. He showered you with compliments and made sure you knew how much he loved you. He gave you little gifts and always made sure he brought you to several orgasms.

He even started smoking less because your dad died of lung cancer. And no, he wasn't worried about himself, but just about you. So he always made sure you were out of reach of cigarette smoke.

Being your loving husband became the meaning of his life.

But paradoxically, the more he loved you, the bigger the shadows behind him got. It all started with an innocent trip to a bar. You were going to meet some friends for a few drinks and you wanted him to go with you. Another thing that surprised him. You weren't ashamed to go to parties with him, on the contrary, you shined more with him.

However, Javier was not too enthusiastic. After all, he told you that he would join you later. However, he didn't feel like it so much that he thought about calling you with some excuse, but he made you a promise that he would come. He couldn't let you down. When he entered the bar, he immediately noticed you, his Sun. You were laughing with your friends and you were unaware of his presence. He didn't come to you right away. Sometimes he liked to watch you from a distance, and it was satisfying to see other men look at you. He loved their disappointed expressions when you tapped your wedding ring with your fingernail or when you snuggled into his side.

At one point he saw some guy staring at you and he didn't like it. It was no ordinary look of delight. There was something predatory about his gaze. Javier frowned and saw you heading towards the bathroom, the weird guy following you. So of course he followed you too. As you walked down the hall he shouted:

"Y/N, baby!"

You turned around with a big smile and ran towards him. You almost bumped into this shady dude on the way, but you didn't seem to notice him. Only your husband mattered to you.

You fell into his arms with a giggle.

"After all, you are Honey!!!"

He smiled and his finger tapped you on the nose. "How many drinks have you had already?"

"Only four... Maybe five and uh... I need to pee."

Javi shook his head and gently wrapped his arms around your waist. "Go, I'll wait here."

As you walked away, he noticed that the suspicious type had disappeared. It was as if he had vanished into thin air. Javier ignored it. Only you mattered.

Two days later you were hanging around the kitchen preparing breakfast. The radio was playing happy music as you rocked your hips. Javier licked his lips at the sight. He wasn't ready for round two after he finished in you that morning, but the sight was tempting. To occupy his mind with something else, he grabbed the newspaper and immediately opened the crime column, an old habit. But what he read made his heart almost leap out of his chest. A young woman was brutally raped and beaten next to the club where you spent the evening. There was a preliminary description of the rapist that matched the guy who followed you into the bathroom. Javier looked at you and swallowed. Everything was fit. Place, time, description… He imagined your naked, bruised body. Your broken like Helena's. If he hadn't come... If he'd called you with that stupid excuse.

Suddenly he felt your touch on his cheek and realized that you were asking him something.

"What?" he gasped.

"I asked if you're okay. You've turned pale, darling."

Javier nodded and pulled you onto his lap.

"I just want to hug you for a while."

You combed his hair and kissed his head. "Do what you want, baby."

Javier wrapped his arms around you tightly and sighed. Your closeness soothed him, but he kept thinking about it. What if it happened to you? Would it be his fault? What if the rapist beat you so badly that you died from injuries? It's all his fault. Because Javier Peña attracted evil.

And so your light made his shadows lengthen. First, he dreamed of Helena, raped and wounded, lying on a dirty mattress. Then the boy was killed by Carrillo. Sometimes Olivia's mother. Nightmares where he and Steve were late and Olivia died too. Javier thought about it more and more. About all the evil he has allowed. Every time when he was late and someone died. Then he started thinking you weren't safe with him.

Before he knew it, his shadows had swallowed him whole, and he couldn't fight them. It pained him to see you still trying. Even when he was broken, you didn't give up on him and that made him even more distant. He didn't think he deserved you and you shouldn't waste your life on someone like him.

And then he started noticing subtle changes in your behavior. You didn't wait for him with dinner anymore. You were coming back home late and kept close your phone. One night he came back very late. Normally he always slept on the couch then, but something drew him to you. He carefully laid down on the bed next to you and that's when he smell it. Another man's perfume. His heart squeezed painfully and he locked himself in the bathroom where he cried.

But that's what he wanted, you to leave. For a moment he even wanted to laugh at the irony of fate. Once he had abandoned the woman at the altar, and now he was about to be abandoned by his wife. He probably deserved it.

It didn't take long for him to discover who you were having an affair with. And that hurt him too. He expected you to take someone younger and then he could tell himself that his age was the problem. But no. You chose a man named Joel Miller. Javier used his connections with the police and checked him out, but found nothing alarming. No history of violence. Only a few speeding tickets.

So he accepted it and waited for you to tell him you were leaving. Every day he returned with a heavy heart. Every day he expected to see your suitcases or his. And it was like the torture you gave him. This made him more and more angry and bitter every day.

And then Joel was gone, but you stayed and tried to be his sweet wife again, and he wanted to scream in pain. He didn't understand why you doing it. Did you afraid of divorce and scandal?

But he made the decision to take the blame. He loved you too much to expose you to the wrath of your conservative mother and his father. It was easier that way. After all, this is him, Javier Peña, a regular visitor to a Colombian whorehouse. He knew, of course, that some people would mock you, but for most, you would be a victim.

The situation would be different if they knew you were the one who cheated him. Then everyone would look at you like you're a whore, and Javier wouldn't take it. That would be unfair.

Finally, during one of your arguments, the balloon popped and you let everything out. He saw you didn't say it consciously. And on the one hand, he felt relief, and on the other pain.

And of course, he decided to pretend he didn't know about your affair. He didn't want you to feel even more guilty. When you asked if he would fight for yours marriage, he wanted to scream 'YES'. But he no longer believed that you loved him and he wanted you to be free.

Leaving the house was the hardest thing he'd ever done. His heart broke into a million pieces.

Get these left handed lovers out of your way They look hopeful but you, you should not stay If you want me to break down and give you the keys I can do that but I can’t let you leave Oh, please don’t go I want you so I can’t let go For I lose control

*Barcelona - Please don't go

I cry ugly because Javier is so good husband… And I hurt him so much 🤧😭

Part 1

Part 3

#pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #javier pena #javier pena fanfiction #javier peña #javier pena x reader #javier pena is so sweet #angst #sadness #hurt javier

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arysguide · 3 months

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a song a week: #8

I went to Emo Night yesterday and it dislodged a lot more teenage angst than I was prepared for. I'll be honest, I enjoy the music but it's not that nostalgic for me. I wasn't really that type of emo growing up. As a little girl I misguidedly really wished I could be scene, and I tried teasing my hair and spraying it with hairspray but it didn't accomplish anything, because I wasn't allowed to take a razor to it and give myself bangs. As a teen I was actually a lot more into Tyler the Creator, I listened to some Panic! At The Disco, then got into extreme metal, and I only really got the hype around My Chemical Romance after I graduated high school. So basically I'm a poser, but today I'm gonna talk about a song that some people consider emo:

(WOW) I Can Get Sexual Too - Say Anything (2003)

I only heard this song very recently and I've become obsessed with it. Somehow it felt instantly familiar, even though I'm certain I had never heard of it before.

This is douchebag music. In the mid-2000s it seems like acts from across the musical spectrum were trying to out-edge each-other with blatantly sexual and frankly misogynistic lyrics - but emo and pop punk bands got a particular reputation for overly whiny songs about women. At the same time it was tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or, or, ironic, right? It's actually really funny and clever if you think about it, right? Because it's self-aware, that makes it almost kind of cute, no? For reference, see The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For (2006), or Panic! At The Disco's Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (2005).

It wasn't just emo - check out any of the songs 3OH!3 released around this time. (I'll admit it - watching the music video for STARSTRUKK (2008) for the first time was a life-changing experience for me.) Blink-182's influence on the pop landscape surely had a lot to do with this development, here's a really good video about that by Trash Theory. And then of course there's the kings of self-deprecating rock, Weezer (dubbed losercore down bad music by NeoPunkFM).

Of course there's nothing new under the sun, there's plenty of classic rock songs about vapid and naive young women, sometimes explicitly about underage girls or groupies, countless songs about how libidinous and reckless young men are. What sets this wave of mid-2000s pop punk apart is the nudge and wink at social commentary - now you can dance along to a song about acting like a total dirtbag and giving into your basest impulse, but it's not "real", it's a caricature and not meant to be taken seriously. Sex still sells, but these bands had something to say about it. Sort of. By 2013, multiple articles had been written on this phenomenon of 'hipster sexism' - "also known as ironic sexism or liberal sexism, 'hipster sexism' is the notion that if sexism done is tongue-in-cheek it's okay, even hilarious (Kelsey Wallace for BitchMedia)." A lot of women weren't keen on laughing along because a lot of these dudes turned out to be card-carrying misogynists. It wasn't even just the men, plenty of songs of this era are by women about… how vapid or slutty other women are. (See Paramore's Misery Business (2007), complete with calling someone a wh*re, and a music video in which Hayley Williams grabs another woman's chicken filets right out of her bra and wipes off her makeup.) There was a hateful and resentful edge to it that seems like a bastardisation of the genre's distant punk roots. Plenty of better writers than me have explored the way that celebrity and tabloid culture of this time resulted in a media landscape that was intensely objectifying and hateful towards women, full of contradictions.

Let's back this up - how is any of this related to the song this post is about? I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Being familiar with the music I mentioned above, that's what I automatically associated this with. But it actually came out before any of those, in 2003. Is it really douchebag music? Or just a song that happens to be about a douchebag?

It's so catchy, and it paints a picture, it's funny but really dark: this guy knows he's pursuing a girl he doesn't care about, because he's bored, and he's willing to lie just to get what he wants - oh brother, this guy STINKS! I love that it's explicitly about phone sex, and the line about "chatting on the interweb," it feels quaint now. I also love the irreverence of : "When she described her underwear, I forgot all the rules the rabbi taught me in the old shul." Here's a great article on the Yiddishkeit of Say Anything. In fact, the song Alive With The Glory of Love is inspired by Bemis' grandparents who survived the Holocaust.

In contrast to some of the less lyrically-inspired songs that came after it, it's a lot more about how heartless and empty the guy is, rather than making the girl the butt of the joke. In short, it's actually good satire. If you're not convinced it's meant to be self-deprecating satire, the rest of the album 'Is A Real Boy' will beat you over the head with it for 21 tracks straight. … And maybe listening to it too much is making me meaner. The track 'Admit It!' lampoons the hipster attitude mercilessly, while indicating that the singer realises he's really no better than them. Too bad the hipsters didn't get the message. Being sincere and wholesome was out of vogue for, like, the next decade. At least now, years later, we can admit we enjoy cute cats, craft beers and retro music un-ironically without making a whole production about it.

All that being said, something a lot more important has shifted in the meantime. Misogyny is decidedly uncool now, at least as far as mainstream pop is concerned. The late 2010s pop landscape seemed to be all about feminist and #girlboss moments. The 2017 #MeToo movement caused a lot of people in the entertainment industry to re-examine their role in creating an environment that is safe (or unsafe) for women. Jesse Lacey of Brand New was accused of sexual misconduct against an underage girl, which he did not deny. In light of that, Max Bemis chose to retire this song, writing on Twitter "It may speak partially of my flaws but it's mostly a sarcastic caricature of someone i've never been at all and is no longer appropriate during this crisis", "we all need to care more, respect women more, respect ourselves more and GIVE A SHIT" and finally: "On a lighter, but direly important note, i don't want to hear about not hearing that song for the FIVE BILLIONTH time this tour from us because it's not REALLY on is a real boy. it now belongs to you, official emo night. go have fun." (For the full thing see this AltPress article.)

So where does that leave us? If even Max Bemis himself disavowed this song, why am I still so compelled by music like this? Does that make me a bad feminist? Is it an internalised misogyny thing? Yeesh. I'm still not totally sure. There's something fascinating to me about the vulgar display of selfishness in this song - it feels like the ultimate taboo. Everything about the way I've dealt with sex and relationships is incredibly neurotic, so there's something cathartic about pretending to be someone without any of those hangups for 3 minutes at a time. It confronts me with my own impulses towards selfishness, and ways I've been selfish in relationships in the past. It's a cautionary tale that works both ways: a) there's something seductive about the idea of behaving so recklessly but you better be prepared for the guilt that comes with it, and b) if I was the girl in this song I would really despise this guy.

These YouTube comments express it a lot more succinctly than I have:

At this rate I'll be heading for electric chairs I'm only human with my cross to bear When she described her underwear I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old shul You're too young to be this empty girl I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world Know that you will be my downfall But I call, and I call, and I call

youtube

For a longer and more informed discussion of some of the things I mentioned: check out The Misogyny of Third Wave Emo and Pop Punk on the Podcast 'Stuff Mom Never Told You'.

#Youtube #say anything #emo #2000s emo #third wave emo #pop punk #hipster sexism #asongaweek

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warningsine · 11 months

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Misty Quigley (Samantha Hanratty) is a bit of an odd duck. I recognize that may be a bit of an understatement for the girl who destroyed a crashed plane's black box, went full "Misery" on her crush, and accidentally yeeted her best friend off a cliff. "But Yellowjackets" fans love to describe Misty in the most judgemental, prescriptive terms, seemingly unable to talk about the character's complexities without diagnosing her. Is she a sociopath? A psychopath? Something else entirely? It's not my place to say, but I do know this: she's an odd duck.

In the latest episode of "Yellowjackets," she's also just a scared girl who's grieving. Misty has never been more relatable to me than when she stood at the edge of the cliff, sobbing to Coach Ben (Steven Krueger) not to jump because she's lost so much already. Of course, this is Misty Quigley we're talking about here, so before she gets honest about her own state of mind she takes a manipulative, ethically heinous route by threatening to smear, out, and even eat Ben if he dies. She's nothing if not consistent in her chaos. After that tactic doesn't work, though, the girl forgets about strategy, and her emotions run out in a torrent.

Misty talks Coach Ben off a ledge

"I tried so hard," Misty says, half-yelling in a rush of fear and distress. "I swear to God. I tried so hard to keep the baby alive." She begs Ben not to jump, pleading in a short monologue that feels a bit like her "Steel Magnolias" speech turned real. "Please, Ben," she concludes. "I can't have another death on my hands." It's a rare moment during which Misty seems both entirely empathetic and entirely honest. Moments ago, when she was telling Ben his life is precious, it felt more like the Misty we see most of the time, pretending to say what she thinks she should be saying. Here, she's just letting it all out, and it turns out she's been walloped by cumulative grief.

That's the part of Misty's emotional moment that I found surprisingly relatable, and it's also a topic I'm surprised and impressed to see "Yellowjackets" explore. Cumulative grief is a term for the type of grief a person experiences when they're dealt multiple losses at once, or in quick succession. I experienced it when I lost three relatives in just a few months in 2020, including two just days apart. Cumulative grief is heavy and strange; it's difficult to describe to other people, because it feels so much more existentially threatening than typical grief.

Cumulative grief is real, and it's the worst

If one person dies, they can be mourned. When multiple people die in succession, their loved ones have to mourn their entire worldview. My grief in 2020 felt isolating as I began to feel that life was disturbingly temporary and death upsettingly certain — if not constant. So much personal loss can create a psychological and philosophical shift that's hard to bear. I lost a fourth loved one within a year of the other three losses, and while the circumstances were entirely out of my control, if I could have pleaded with someone to keep that friend alive, I would have in a heartbeat. Three years later, I'm okay, but there was a time when I worried I might not be.

The existential weight of this loss seems to be what Misty's getting at when she screams to Ben that he shouldn't jump. She's already lost Kristen (Nuha Jes Izman), which in many ways was her own fault, but was still a traumatic loss that she's just begun to process. Now, it becomes clear that she blames the death of Shauna's baby on herself, a heartbreaking burden to bear and a rare (if misguided, because the baby's death wasn't her fault) moment of accountability from someone who's not known for it. If a third person dies in front of Misty, it'll be more than she can take, and that's what finally makes Ben step back.

Now we understand why Misty grows up to be so protective

"Yellowjackets" makes it easy to pick on Misty (this show is full of murderers and cannibals, but she gets ostracized as the socially awkward murderer-cannibal), and she's certainly been making questionable decisions from the moment we met her. This is in no way, shape, or form a girlboss moment. Yet it does feel like an important point of connection between teen Misty and her adult counterpart (Christina Ricci), who is determined to keep all the fellow Yellowjackets safe under her watchful eye. She's bonded to the team, not because they love her but because decades ago, her own well-being became entangled with theirs.

Of course, trying to talk Ben down in the first place is its own loaded decision, as is his initial request that she push him. The scene's ending doesn't possess any sense of relief or catharsis; it merely feels like Ben lost his resolve for the time being. The wilderness plot of "Yellowjackets" is increasingly bleak, to the point that Misty saving Ben's life doesn't feel like a win, especially when there will surely still be more loss to come. Still, it does feel like Misty at her most sympathetic, and with Hanratty putting as much heart into the scene as she did with her movie monologue a few episodes earlier, it's not a moment we'll soon forget.

#and it's that same overprotectiveness that makes her lose natalie too 😭😭😭#yellowjackets #misty quigley #my tragic meow meow

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lovesongbracket · 1 year

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Reminder: Vote based on the song, not the artist or specific recording! The tracks referenced are the original artist, aside from a few rare cases where a cover is the most widely known.

Lyrics, videos, info, and notable covers under the cut. (Spotify playlist available in pinned post)

Girls Like Girls

Written By: Lily-May Young, Owen Thomas & Hayley Kiyoko

Artist: Hayley Kiyoko

Released: 2015

“Girls Like Girls” tells the story of a young girl actively looking to start relationships with girls currently involved with boys. In an interview with US Weekly, Hayley described the song as a “female anthem for a girl stealing another guy’s girl”, subverting the common theme of “guys always.. stealing other guys’ girls”. According to Hayley in an interview with Elite Daily, she didn’t have any artist that she could relate to when she was growing up, and so, she decided to tell her own stories. Kiyoko describes “Girls like Girls” as a story that she believes others can relate to: “There’s not a lot of representation for young girls who are best friends who might fall in love. A big point for me was to respect that and keep it real, so people can realize it’s not just a joke.” In a personal essay written by Kiyoko for Paper, she said that “Girls Like Girls” was born on a rainy day where she had a writing session with Owen Thomas and Lily May Young. “Growing up, everything I did was always about girls. I took dance because of girls. I got involved in student council because of girls. Not that I ever expected any of them to like me back, but I just felt comforted being around them, even if I could never date them. So there we were. The song “Girls like Girls” was born."

[Intro] (Boys) (Boys) Boys, (Boys) (Boys) [Verse 1] Stealing kisses from your missus Does it make you freak out? Got you fussing, got you worried Scared to let your guard down Boys, boys Tell the neighbors I'm not sorry if I'm breaking walls down Building your girl's second story, ripping all your floors out [Chorus] Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new Isn't this why we came? Gotta get with you Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new [Verse 2] Always gonna steal your thunder Watch me like a dark cloud On the move collecting numbers I'ma take your girl out We will be everything that we'd ever need Don't tell me, tell me what I feel I'm real and I don't feel like boys I'm real and I don't feel like boys [Chorus] Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new Isn't this why we came? Gotta get with you Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new [Bridge] I've been crossing all the lines, all the lines Kissed your girl back made you cry, boys [Chorus] Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you Girls like girls, like boys do, nothing new Isn't this why we came? Tell me if you feel it too! Tell me, girls like girls like boys do, nothing new Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new

youtube

At Last

Written By: Henry Warren & Mack Gordon

Artist: Etta James

Released: 1960

Originally recorded by: Glenn Miller and His Orchestra feat. Pat Friday & John Payne, 1941

A song originally written in 1941 by Mack Gordon and Harry Warren and originally performed by Glenn Miller and His Orchestra for the 1941 movie Sun Valley Serenade, this ballad found its greatest success in the hands of the late Etta James in this 1960 recording. The tune became James' signature song. The song is featured on several “best of” lists, including inclusion in the Library of Congress' National Recording Registry and induction into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1999.

[Verse 1] At last My love has come along My lonely days are over And life is like a song (Oh, yeah, yeah) [Verse 2] At last The skies above are blue My heart was wrapped up in clover The night I looked at you [Bridge] I found a dream that I could speak to A dream that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to A thrill that I've never known (Oh, yeah, yeah) [Verse 3] You smiled, you smiled Oh, and then the spell was cast And here we are in heaven For you are mine at last

youtube

#hayley kiyoko #girls like girls #etta james #at last #polls #poll tournament #poll bracket #tournament #bracket #lovesongbracket #round2

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dumb-teambucciarati-headcanons · 1 year

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Stand headcanons

-before giorno knew about and could control gold experience, Goldie would grow flowers for single people on Valentine’s Day. There were a few incredibly straight and very single men that felt disgusted to see a bouquet of flowers with their name on it on their doorstep, something about them being “real men” or whatever. It made a lot of other normal peoples days though

-sticky fingers likes to unzip things on his own, like without Bruno telling him to. Sort of like a cat scratching away at a sofa, but with more zippers. Bruno will wake up in the middle of the night to find everything in his room with zippers on it. One time he unzipped a pipe and water went everywhere, which led to a mold issue

-moody blues is a really good artist. She will sometimes do Abbacchios makeup (she does it better than him). She competes in art competitions by the alias “moody man”, and has won many awards but never shows up to accept them being that she is a stand. Abbacchio doesn’t know that she is the famous artist “moody man”, but always felt that he could relate to his art

-when Mistas home, he keeps the Sex Pistols in one of those hamster cages. They can break out at any time but they all really like the hamster wheel and fight over it. Number 5 got stuck in the tubes and cried, and number 3 got in trouble for laughing at her (him? Them?)

-the pilot in Aerosmith (mr smith) is a mini Narancia but with a blue face. Listens to the same music as him. The plane has a really dumb personality, like they will fly into the wall if Narancia, or mr smith don’t control them

-purple haze likes hugs, specifically from Fugo. The first time they met Fugo was greeted by a hug and a face full of drool. Purple haze also cries at 3am every night, but it’s weird, it sounds more like he is gargling salt but choking

-when Trish was little her mom and teachers always would say that she was very neat and organized. But it was actually spice girl. She would clean her room for her when she was little because she was a neat freak. She stopped when she realized that Trish needed to learn how to do those things herself

-the stands sometimes get together to talk (gossip) about their users. Moody blues speaks in a beep boop telephone language that the others understand. Like she’ll be like “beep boop beehhhhhhp” and Goldie will respond with “oh yes, Abbacchio can be a bitch sometimes I totally agree”

#jjba part 5 #jjba #narancia ghirga #pannacotta fugo #guido mista #leone abbacchio #bruno buccellati #trish una #giorno giovanna #headcanons #jojo #jojos bizarre adventure #stands

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radio-free-beth-sarim · 4 months

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My Predictions for Caleb and Sophia

For the uninitiated: Caleb and Sophia are two characters that feature in short videos produced by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society intended to indoctrinate Jehovah's Witness children. They're two young children, siblings, raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and dealing with many of the problems growing up as one brings. For people raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, it brings back a flood of insane memories. I kind of can't help but like them. The kids go through things I went through myself, and as I watch I imagine what they're feeling in that moment. The things I would have felt. The thoughts and emotions I would have suppressed. If you're curious I recommend looking them up on youtube. Owen Morgan aka Telltale has a bunch of videos where he reacts to them and provides commentary. He's just one of many that cover the videos.

Whenever I watch a Caleb and Sophia video I always speculate how they end up. So here's my predictions.

We'll start with Caleb, since his story is one that easily could have been mine. Caleb is the Bart Simpson. He's a kind of rambunctious kid. He would like sports and video games if he was allowed, but he doesn't have those outlets available to him so it all becomes bible study and chores. He's given busy work at meetings and field service, and eventually he gets given "privileges" like working the soundboard and passing the microphones around at the Watchtower Magazine study or organizing and manning the literature counter. Eventually he'll make Ministerial Servant, which is the rank below Elder in the congregation and basically means he's being groomed for command. But thankfully he's never going to be an Elder. He's eventually going to be put in charge of the congregation's other rambunctious young boys, and will be responsible for studying with them and indoctrinating them into the Watchtower Society's beliefs. He's going to be seen as a role model and success story. His post high-school years will see him juggling his responsibilities with the congregation and working in a trade. Statistically window washing, but any given trade is likely. He'll apprentice under another Jehovah's Witness, possibly a relative, who is also likely an Elder who now holds his economic and social future in his hands. Now you'd think with all this going on, is Caleb happy? Well, that depends. He might genuinely be if he's kept too busy to really think about his life or what he wants from it and is too sheltered to experience anything more. But that's really difficult to do. Most JW young men get to experience just enough of the world to give them a taste, and everyone has a vice. Statistically it's porn and smoking. Chances are he'll get caught once, repent, lose his privileges, and then eventually make a slow return shortly after getting married. Caleb is getting married by 19 at the latest. He's full of so many hormones and urges if there's no release he's going to pop. So he'll marry literally the nearest non-related Jehovah's Witness girl roughly his age. If there are none nearby, he'll meet one at a convention or (scandalously) JWdate. Yes, that's real, and it's kind of an open secret because dating websites are not really what a JW should be about. Somewhere in the following years he's going to be working hard at his trade, trying to regain his status as a Ministerial Servant, and figuring out how to live with this stranger he rushed into marrying. Maybe they can make it work. Maybe they can't. I can't say. But kids will be happening soon. Eventually Caleb is going to hit a crisis moment where he needs to decide whether or not this is the life he wants. There's a roughly 66% chance he doesn't. He's got to make a choice. Does he stay in the life he has? Can he leave the Watchtower Society behind and still keep his family? That I can't say. I like to think his wife also has similar doubts, and through this their bond strengthens, they come to truly love each other deeper than they did when they first married, and leave together, sparing their children from the same life they were forced into. But doing that means they'll only ever have each other. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it isn't. His wife could divorce him, taking the kids and leaving him alone. He'll eventually find apostate material online and become fervently anti-JW, with only bitter memories among the ashes of a life that never had a chance to be anything but this.

Next we'll turn to Sophia. Some of my story for her is pure conjecture based on what I've seen from friends I grew up with. When I see Sophia, I see specific girls I knew growing up and I think of things they've told me about their lives. I don't have any experience being a girl in the Jehovah's Witnesses, but her story is one that I feel is honestly similar to mine just with her dealing with all of the added pressure of being a woman in a fucked up patriarchal clusterfuck like that. I'll have to make a part 2 for her, as Tumblr has a character count. I will reblog this post with that when I am done with it. Thank you for reading this far. I hope this provides some insight.

#cult shit #ex jw #ex-jehovah's witness #xjw

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nightcolorz · 8 months

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Hi! I loved your post on gender in the vc vs show conception. Could you write your thoughts on Gabrielle?

AAAA tysm!! I would love to !! I love Gabrielle so much I have Thoughts. Tw v in-depth talk about gender dysphoria and excessive use of the word perceive

With Gabrielle Anne Rice wrote the most accurate depiction of gender dysphoria I’ve ever come across in media. Of course there’s been portrayals of trans ppl and gender dysphoria that come from an educated and purposeful place, but with Gabrielle it’s so visceral that I find it more relatable and meaningful then any intentional trans representation I’ve ever seen. Because, Anne Rice didn’t write Gabrielle as a trans person, and yet she ended up creating a character perceived vastly as trans by readers just by projecting her own discomfort around femininity onto her.

I’m thinking about the scene in tvl where Gabrielle cuts all her hair off her first night as a vampire and has a horrified meltdown when it grows back the next day. I was so shocked by this when I read it bcus I Felt That, and I couldn’t stop thinking, “did Anne Rice just write the most compelling and affective piece of trans horror I’ve ever read BY ACCIDENT?” Bcus,,, that feeling that no matter what u do with ur appearance you will never be seen as how you see urself in your head. You’re free now (vampirism in Gabs case), you can do anything u want with ur appearance, nobodies stopping u, but it doesn’t matter-bcus your hair is just going to grow back the next day. Any kind of euphoria induced alteration u make will just be undone. You’re trapped in your own body.

Gabrielle is a “woman” turned into a vampire at her frailest state, right before death, after a life of being forced into the role of wife and mother, and even tho she’s free of those expectations now, her body will always reflect that past. Isn’t that just the most literal embodiment of the fear gender dysphoria instills into you? That no matter where you are in your gender journey and how you perceive yourself everyone will just continue to perceive you the way they have in your past? Bcus damn, chilling.

Not only that but the euphoria leading up to that scene, Gabrielle joyfully putting on men’s clothing and cutting her hair as Lestat watches her in bafflement. She tells him to not call her mother anymore, and that she rejects that role. Only to be smacked in the face by reality telling her she’s just going to look the way she always has, for eternity. AAA! It got me good.

And I think that Gabrielle’s perspective on what the vampire existence should be is very much colored by all this. Her lifestyle is so strikingly unique in comparison to all the other vampires. Gabrielle rejects society and civilization, and wants to spend her eternity away from humans and other vampires and find meaning in the wilderness. This comes from a place of already having lived a human lifetime and no longer finding interest in human relationships, but also, I believe the desire to not be Perceived. As a trans person I find the urge to go off into the woods and live like a creature oddly relatable. I think other trans and gnc ppl can relate, lol. I desperately wanted to do this when I was a child and deeply unhappy with how I was perceived and treated as a little girl, but I’ve grown out of it now that I’m happy and confident in my gender presentation.

Gabrielle unfortunately, may never get that. She can’t alter her appearance in anyway she finds satisfactory, and this is worsened by her community (the other vampires) who are very unhelpful when it comes to supporting how she wants to be perceived. They all just see her as Lestat’s Mom™️ despite her very vocal dislike of being seen as a maternal figure. (Then they have the audacity to bitch about how she is always absent lmao, like huh maybe she’d be more present and less cold if u mfs were more considerate 🙄)

In conclusion, Gabrielle trans masc real. I’m a lil scared about how the show will portray her bcus if they get it wrong I will be sooo disappointed. Side note it felt slightly weird referring to Gabs with she/her pronouns for this even tho those are what are used in the books, but whateves pronouns don’t = gender anyway. Leave ur Gabrielle gender and pronouns headcanons in the tags friends projection is encouraged actually.

Also thank you sm for sending this ask! And for all the asks I’ve been getting recently. I love answering asks they’re so fun

#tvc #the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #vc #iwtv #Tvl #the vampire lestat #gabrielle de lioncourt #lestat de lioncourt

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sycsubs · 1 year

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[ENG TRANS] Sooyoung on Elle Korea, December 2022 Issue

Q: You cut your hair.

SY: It’s not my first time having short hair. I had long hair for a long time because it looks new on me. It’s been 5 years since. I was a little down when I cut my hair. It’s like a part of my body has been taken away from me. It felt like everything I wore won’t look good but now that I got used to it, I’m not sure if I can go back to long hair.

2. Q: This year is special for you. Girls’ Generation complete members promotions for 15th year anniversary, drama “If You Wish Upon Me”, followed by drama “Fan Letter Please” that talks about fan letters to end the year.

SY: It’s lucky for me to be able to act in two dramas in a year. I have a lot of chance to communicate with fans this year and it feels like the last puzzle has been matched, after being able to act in a drama that have relations with fans.

3. Q: In the drama, you acted as top star Kanghee, which is really close to you. When you were acting, is there any embarrassing or candid moments that reminds you of yourself?

SY: It is a character that I’m very familiar with. I can know what thoughts I have while talking, what kind of expressions, what kind of feelings straight away. I understand the character deeply until the director said “I didn’t knew that the character will be in this pain in this situation.” Since this job is a job that will be talked around by people, it’s really easy to get misunderstood by people. What we said or did without much thought in past will be brought up. Whenever that happens, I thought “Even I can’t say no to this?” (laugh). Kanghee is a friend who is used to those situations and she didn’t get affected. I think I’m not the type who explains myself, talks about my hard times or family problems. Of course, Kanghee and I are different but while acting as her, I felt a little freedom. I tried to melt down my humane side, worries and also my unattractive side.

4. Q: Do you write letters frequently in real life?

SY: On Tiffany’s birthday this year, I made a big decision and bought her something that she wanted for a long time. But she was sad that there wasn’t any letters. There’s at least some people around me that want to receive letters, even my mother. I have bad handwriting so whenever I write lyrics or any writings, I used iPad to write (laugh). Since they want to receive it, so I wrote for them. When I write to express myself, I don’t write formally like “congratulations” and “stay healthy”. I want to put my real sincerity in it so if I’m going to write, I won’t write two three words on the card.

5. Q: I’m sure you received a lot of fan letters like Kanghee. Is there any special writing that stays in your heart?

SY: I keep the letter that I received after the filming for “Fan Letter Please” in my bag and bring it around with me. Girls’ Generation promotions and the filming for this drama overlaps so I was really tired physically. I was worried if I could show my best for the filming that all the staffs and I put everything in. I went to the after party while feeling sorry and weirdly, the youngest filming staff that my eyes always went to her came to me and put something on my hands. It was folded into a heart shape and after unfolding it, it’s a letter filled with sincerity. She said that she went through growing pains with unnies and now that she has grown up, she said that she thought she want to protect and cheer for unnies now. She joined the filming team as the youngest member and everything was foreign to her. The only familiar existence in the filming set is unnie and it was weirdly comforting to her. I cried. I thought that she saw me in my worst condition. Fans don’t just write “I love you” and “thank you”. Their world is in the letter together with the sincere and pretty words that they thought deeply of.

6. Q: There’s a strength to make even those who wasn’t a fan of Girls’ Generation to reminisce about the past.

SY: I was curious how the old fans know my feelings and worries even though we’ve never drink (alcohol) and talk freely together before. I get curious of the cultures of the current generation. It’s nice to have a platform you can influence people with different type of cultures but sometimes, I feel like commons I have with the generation above me has lost as the mainstreams has changed. That’s why I said felt affection and sometimes feels choked up when I watched our promotions.

7. Q: Your debut song “Into The New World” feels like a cheering song for the girls. Even hearing it after 15 years, it felt like the courage when I was a girl is boiling again.

SY: The lyrics “Please protect the love that will never change, even my scarred heart” is the frame for the latest Girls’ Generation’s promotion. Even the stage for the title song of this album is “Forever 1” has the feelings of “I’m still the same, standing here” but amazingly, I saw the comment, “The song is saying that we are still here without any changes” and got goosebumps. I was excited that our sincerity matched and I felt joy after a long time.

8. Q: Do you have any ways to maintain and protect Girls’ Generation’s fans and also the people around you?

SY: I think I just cherish myself. When you put others first, your energy will be drained. When someone tells me their worries, sometimes, I don’t have the energy to listen to them. I don’t want to hurt them so I tried to take some time to charge myself. That’s why I like to be alone and I don’t rush into relationships (in general). But once I get into a relationship (in general), I want it to last long and deeply. I heard this advice at counseling when I was tired from human relationships. When an airplane gets into accident. And emergency oxygen masks are given, who should wear it first? The answer is wearing it yourself first and then help the person next to you. I found self-esteem and fully energized when I have the experience to take the lead when I’m with the members or alone. That’s why we can get together, cherish, take care of each other and also yield each other. In order to protect something precious, you need the time to cherish yourself too.

9. Q: It’s a process that companied by intense process of loving oneself. You looked like you have no worries as you look cheerful when you’re promoting as a team or actor without any boundaries.

SY: I have times when I doubted myself, “I don’t think I need to be a good person to everyone”. In the past, I always have the thought that when I got cursed, I won’t be the only one who got cursed, members will get it too. But nowadays, the members said that “I hope I will be able to hear what people cursed about you. I want to hear some rumors of how you are doing on the filming set.” It was a joke but it make us take care of ourselves more. Girls’ Generation’s members has been promoting as a team for a long time so, consideration and responsibility are basic for us. If we want to take care of everything while paying attention to everything, we won’t be able to concentrate in our job. Even if you got misunderstood for having a bad expression for a second, but putting on good works and results will let the staff’s job end early (laugh). It’s better to save energy and be faithful to the role given to me than gnawing at myself while trying to be a good person to the majority people.

10. Q: In your previous drama “If You Wish Upon Me”, your co-actor Ji Chang Wook said that “Sooyoung is affectionate and friendly to everyone”. In dramas “My Spring Days” and “Run On”, you played roles that are clumsy but has a warm heart.

SY: It’s the filming site of “If You Wish Upon Me” that made me affectionate (laugh). When I was choosing a work, I looked at the life that was represented from the characters. I focus on expressing that there’s this type of people in the world. Even if the script is fun, but if the female character is being wasted, I don’t get attracted by it. There’s always friends that got kicked away. I can’t ignore it and I want to hold it onto the heart.

11. Q: Today’s pictorial concept was to show Sooyoung’s coolness. When were the times you think you are cool?

SY: When I don’t forget what the people I love said and do for them, when I do things I’m supposed to do silently. I do have some laziness side of me (laugh).

12. Q: It’s the coolness of people who debuted 15 years ago (laugh). You said that “it’s better to live with what you’ve went through” for the life in your thirties? What kind of strength does your experience gave you?

SY: You will have weapons to take with you. Since I went through it, I think I have the strength to predict the results of it.

13. Q: There’s a lot of juniors who stated Girls’ Generation as their role model for their achievement point. What do you want them to “bring” with them?

SY: People, taking care of people’s heart, it’s an easy generation where a relationship is broken, it’s fast to get over it and it’s also easy to accept something new. It’s good to brush away the relationships that you got hurt from and find new person. “Cutting ties” with someone also means taking care of myself. There must be some good times in between all the hurts and conflicts. If you felt thankful to that person at least once and once thought that you want to take care of that person, even if the situation has changed, go until the end with sincerity and it will last long. I am like this.

14. Q: Something that Choi Sooyoung wants to get eagerly now?

SY: To be able to satisfy my desire as an actress in short period of time. It’s the time where I’m worry about having methods to be able to act till the point I’m satisfied while making good changes to it. I think the drama I’m currently filming and works that I will be choosing in the future will help me to grow nearer towards my goal and I will do it if it helps me to grow.

15. Q: The sun is setting so it’s getting colder. What kind of winter are you preparing for?

SY: I think many things that happened gave me heartache. It’s a season where I’m thankful that I’m be able to do what I likes and also eat what I want to eat. It’s my 15th anniversary since debut and it’s a special year for both Girls’ Generation and me as an actress but it makes me sorry as an adult that there are people who are suffering. Even though I can’t be very helpful but I have the thought of wanting to be an adult where people could lean on me.

16. Q: The young girl has become an adult.

SY: I felt that too when I saw young girls using “Into The New World” as their cheering song. The way they thought of Girls’ Generation’s existence makes me an adult. I have the reason not to do anything that I will be embarrassed of and also the thought of I have to do anything as an adult. This year, just like how I want to have a drink with our fans, I want to listen to other’s stories that live outside my boundaries too.

#sooyoung #choi sooyoung #snsd #elle #girlsgeneration

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tabby-shieldmaiden · 9 months

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Carnival of Aros July 2023: Connect

This is my submission for the July 2023 Carnival of Aros. This month’s theme is loneliness, and you can view the full call for submissions here.

Anyways, I hope you all find something meaningful in this quick thing I wrote out!

It had never been easy for me to relate to other people. A part of that is because of neurodivergence reasons. I already think in ways which are considered ‘atypical’ compared to the majority. A part of that is because over the course of my life, I had managed to amass a number of weird experiences which have made it rather hard to readily relate to others. It is a bit of a bother sometimes, but I’ve been trying hard to not mind it. Everyone is unique, after all. It’s fine if one doesn’t one-hundred percent relate to what other people go through. Unusual people simply add to the diversity of humanity, and enriches the species as a result.

Besides, when I actually look at what I am on paper, I’m actually not as weird and unusual as I think I am, really. At times, I do feel I can be rather melodramatic.

Still, keeping these things in mind still doesn’t help when I feel like I am all alone. And it is a rather upsetting feeling, when it seems like one doesn’t have a tribe to truly belong to. Plenty of people say it doesn’t matter if one doesn’t have anything to call themselves. That ultimately it’s better for one to just do what they want to do, and worry about labels later. And I suppose people are right, but there is still something important to keep in mind. Ultimately, the labels are so that you can meet other people to connect with. When you try to be yourself, and who you are doesn’t present with many obvious labels, it can be hard to find other people to connect with. And that’s ultimately what this issue is all about for a while. I was sick of being alienated, and I wished I could connect with other people the way other people did.

Things have gotten better as I have grown up. But I still remember how things were when I was younger. When things were much harder, and I was way more isolated.

I was a pretty sheltered kid growing up. And I think that shelteredness only added to my difficulty making friends. I had hoped for a while that my assumed ‘strangeness’ was just growing pains. That someday I will grow up and outgrow this. That I will become some sort of recognisable person, that I would be a ‘normal girl’. A part of that idea, to me, was growing up and experiencing this ‘love’ thing other people talked about. When children grow into teenagers, they said, they will get crushes on people. They will find someone they like. And they may even go on and date someone, have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

For a while, I waited. And I waited and I waited. I had thought that things I felt in the past were crushes, but that didn’t really turn out to be true. And it was so frustrating for me, when I realised that I wasn’t a regular person like that. It felt like another way in which I was not a real human.

Coming to terms with my aromanticism ultimately ended up being helpful to remedying this feeling. This was because, well, I realised I could stop pretending to experience something I did not. And more importantly, I realised that by doing so, I could find other people who I could share experiences with. It was a strange feeling. Finding a label to call myself which really fitted what I had gone through, and finding people there too, who may have interesting insights into what it means to be this thing. That had… rarely happened before in my life. I was feeling a little bit more empowered to come into my own. Not only because I realised there were narratives in the world that map onto my experiences, but also because, now that I know what my life could be shaped like, I feel more secure in the ways it deviates from the shape.

It fits. Not in the sense that it wraps me snugly and conforms to my measurements perfectly. But in the sense that I like it enough that I am willing to put up with the bagginess.

Aromantics as a community struggle with loneliness. Aspecs, and queer people in general really. And it is true, there is a lot which needs to be done to solve this issue. Besides fighting against queerphobia and amatonormativity in society, we have to work on intra community issues. We have to work to make spaces safer and more accessible for everyone. Regardless of ethnicity, ability, and so on. And because I realise that I had a community to call my own, I now know that if there are problems in my community, I have to do my part to work on them.

And because I know that this is a community, I know that I do not have to be alone in trying to work on them.

#tabby says something #carnival of aros #aromantic #carnival of aros july 2023 #aro

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