#and he doesnt want to be loved like that.he already sees too much of his mother in his reflection he couldnt bear for jin ling to see it to

[sodrippy]

how many times do you think jiang cheng asks for yanli’s forgiveness? for failing her and zixuan, for failing their son over and over, every time he yells instead of comforts, spits harsh words instead of praise. how many times does he whisper a sorry for not giving his nephew the love he deserves? the love his parents would have showered upon him, the kind that maybe would have made him softer in the same way that yanli’s love smoothed out jiang cheng’s rough edges, and could have made it easier for jin ling to grow up in this world.

how often do you reckon he thinks about what he’s inflicted on jin ling, the same poisonous love that his mother injected into him, and how often does he worry that jin ling loves jiang cheng the way jiang cheng loves his own mother, in that twisted awful way that makes him cycle through hate and guilt and shame and desperate need for affection? how sick does that make him feel? does the guilt make him avoid the shrine, unable to face his sister’s horror and anguish at how badly he’s done, or does he go there daily as penance? how many shards of broken glass are glued together to make up jiang cheng?

#my brain is made of plum sauce<3 #mdzs #jiang cheng #ellian come baaaaack im dyingggggggg #oh jiang cheng............. #and its NOT the same u know jin ling LOVES jiang cheng so genuinely #he can be the most true version of himself around jiang cheng who doesnt tell him to be more diplomatic and sand down his edges #whos just as barbed as jin ling himself and ALLOWS jin ling to talk back to him and doesnt baby him or make him feel monstrous for his ange #he loves jiang cheng and looks up to him and values him but ofc jiang cheng wont ever Really know u know #bc if you ask jiang cheng if he loved his mother he will say yes. he will think about the murky waters of that love #and the wretched things that tangle his legs as he tries to wade through. but he will still say Yes and it will still be true #and so you could ask jin ling and he could say yes ofc i love my uncle! but jiang cheng would never Know exactly how he means it #and he doesnt want to be loved like that.he already sees too much of his mother in his reflection he couldnt bear for jin ling to see it to #goddddddd. anyway. i am BEAMING the vallian energies into everyones minds so they See