#and he still craves his approval but he doesn't need it the way he used to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

asherisgone · 9 months

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GOOD OMENS 2 SPOILERS DEAR SATAN SCROLL AWAY DON'T PRESS SEE MORE.

I've had major whiplash from the last 15 minutes of episode 6, so I'm here to analyse because it's eating me alive.

So I know a lot of people have theories that Aziraphale's been manipulated or miracled or the coffee is suspicious: whatever. I'm not here to fully push any theories, I'm just here to provide evidence and things for people to make their own conclusions.

First part of this is analysing Aziraphale himself:

Before we can even begin to dissect his statements, let's talk about who he is.

This angel hasn't changed his outfit in a century, forget the damn hair that has been the same since the universe even began.

He loves humanity and being humans because he is, even if he can't accept that, never has. All the way back in the aftermath of Jobe's story, their conversation, aziraphale doesn't find his peace during it, he desperately holds onto 'heaven = good' even though we've proven that isn't true. Even in Edinburgh, he's adament what they're doing is wrong (heaven's ideals) until Crowley shows him the truth of humanity; EVEN THEN he still can't accept the grey area of it all ("the side of truth... of good"), where Crowley is comfortable with his humanity, aziraphale clutches onto the "light grey" because he still craves heaven's approval.

*quick aside, I am aware Crowley does say "dark grey" but I read his tone as mocking and playful, plus he says it himself in the argument that he doesn't need hell or heaven.

But to sum that part up, that explains why Aziraphale takes the job, why he wants Crowley to be an angel again: he never got the closure he needed from heaven, he can't accept that it's just as corrupt as hell (if not more so since at least hell are doing it on purpose). He is sick of being worried and scared for Crowley, he wants to change everything so they can be together safely...

So onto the argument then..

Aziraphale says he may have misjudged the Metatron, why? because the Metatron praises him deeply to gain his trust "you're a leader, you're honest, you don't just tell people what they want to hear."

and honestly it's mostly exaggeration.

He's a lousy leader, Crowley walked all over him during the battle of the bookshop, he even says himself that they just have to do whatever Crowley says; he steps up to his potential at the last minute with the halo. He's not only a people pleaser (cause he thinks that's what angels are), but he also knows how to say things people want to hear to get his way, especially Crowley.

THE WHOLE JOBE MINI EPISODE IS ABOUT AZIRAPHALE UNDERMINING AND LYING TO HEAVEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

So we cannot trust the Metatron - he just needs someone who he can influence and control to rule heaven, that's why Gabriel was thrown out the minute he began to make his own decisions. It's why he uses Crowley as a bargaining tool to get Azi on his side after he says "I don't want to go back to heaven"

This entices Aziraphale because as someone who doesn't like change, he'd be able to be with Crowley "like the old times" without disrupting their dynamic of unspoken partnership.

Crowley immediately feels something is off "You're better than that", after all, what happened to "we're on our side" or "we carved it out for ourselves". Crowley is entirely comfortable in being human or on his own side... until aziraphale comes along to show him he doesn't need to be alone

Crowley repeats "tell me you said no": at first in disbelief, thinking he knows aziraphale wouldn't be that rash, his face immediately falls, in complete and utter disbelief at the possibility he's losing his angel.

So he repeats the question, this time it's a plea, he's practically begging for Aziraphale to correct him even though he knows it's not possible. His eyes widen, his fear is true and he's panicking as he knows what Aziraphale just signed up for. He shows so much betrayal in this one look too it's insane how well-done this scene is...

His last minute declaration of love is wholly an attempt to convince Azi to stay, the panic in his voice is unmistakeable "I think I'd better say it now." he's rushed, he's desperate.

*another aside, Michaels delivery of "come with me" in the softest voice and puppy eyes known to man is the absolute death of me. But it speaks to his innocence and sheer ignorance of what's going on.

Crowley knows his angel, "you can't leave the bookshop" which, as far as I'm concerned, is a euphemism for himself and their relationship. (of course literally as well, I mean aziraphale would die with their shop) and with the response being "nothing lasts forever. That's an insane line, ineffable husbands? nah sorry. But it's simply untrue, he doesn't like change, he hasn't ever sold a book, he doesn't change his hair and his style simply doesn't waver. This isn't something Aziraphale would say and mean. (which is also something people are using as evidence of Azi not being himself). Although, it also shows that he's willing to give up the bookshop and earth and everything he worked for if it means he and Crowley may have a safe future in heaven.

Everyone's noticed that Crowley shows his eyes more in season 2, but only when he and aziraphale are alone, he has them off the entire conversation until after aziraphale says that nothing lasts. He puts them back on. His facial expressions and body language are all so insecure all of a sudden; they can't even look at the angel they've been pining for since the beginning of time.

Aziraphale is unwavering, which is so confusing, he has smile still plastered on his face - an incredibly forced and frankly naive smile, but he absolutely cannot grasp the concept that crowley likes and actively accepts being human, but Azi is desperate to be an angel, once thinking he lost his way and now clawing back because otherwise he isn't good. "We could be together... Angels! doing good...".

I'm entirely convinced that considering only Crowley knows about Gabriel being thrown out for thwarting heaven's plans, he knows that aziraphale and him couldn't make a difference if they tried, the reason the Metatron even suggests the two of them can work together is to control them: afterall they're the ones who prevented armaggadont the first time, and also almost declared a war between heaven and hell. If you were the Metatron you'd seek to stop them too.

This seems to be why Crowley immediately fucks off the minute he senses Aziraphale can't understand what's going on "I think I understand a whole lot better than you do". Crowley laid his heart out to the one person he thought understood him, but Aziraphale gets ahead of himself and insisting Crowley joins him in heaven signifies something utterly world shattering as they were grey together, and he thought aziraphale understood that (again I call you back to the story of Jobe). "I could always rely on you"

Aziraphale stops him for obvious reasons, but that's why when Crowley says "no nightingales" it's more than just a metaphor. Obviously they reach an impasse in the conversation, it's Crowley's way of saying they're done, but what it signifies a new shift: this isn't his angel anymore. especially when you follow this with "you idiot-" because all I can think of is "how can someone as clever as you be so stupid" back from season 1. Crowley at this point has given up. he's done.

(*aside, this is an observation if you take it as a way to say that Azi is under a miracle or manipulated that's for you to decide.)

Aziraphale tries desperately to hide his emotions, the fake smiles and the depth of regret and sadness in his eyes, he looks at Crowley like he doesn't recognise him anymore even though it's not him who's changed.

and then...

EVERY - their kiss for those who did not have the misfortune of it being spoiled for them.

Is it only me who feels physically nauseous watching this? And I don't mean because I didn't want this to happen, of course not, but it's the amount of emotion charged behind it that makes it so devastating. The anger, pure desperation and DAMN IT IM SO SORRY I CAN'T BE CALM BUT AZIRAPHALE'S FACE AND REACTION GENUINELY MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLY SAD.

two sides of this I'll analyse now.

Crowley - this is his absolute last chance and card he can play, he's done with words, "Well then... there's nothing else to say". He is heartbroken at this point, filled with desperation and pure longing for the one thing he's always been certain of: he needs this to work out. He literally runs to save their relationship, and fucking yanks aziraphale (love the parallel to season 1) but look at his determination in the furrowed brows... This isn't a loving and sentimental kiss, this is life or death as far as he's concerned.

Aziraphale - dear lord, where do I begin... He's caught off guard but something looks so wrong, it's not the look of a welcome surprise, it almost angry. He's upset that it's happening now, not that it's happening at all. He wants Crowley from 5 minutes ago, before their world crumbled in on them, but now he's hurt and he won't let himself have this Crowley that won't be with him as an angel, supporting him as supreme archangel... My only evidence for Aziraphale wanting to kiss Crowley just not in that moment is purely his hands. Granted, Crowley was holding that fucker tight, like goddamn- but he didn't stop it by any means, not for a whole 12 seconds. He wavers, holding him gently for only a moment with the most amount of trepidation, before reeling back as if he'd be burnt if he lingered, holding his hands away.

Afterwards?

that's the most betrayed look I've seen in my life... It's a "what the hell did you just do, you've only made this harder for me and yourself" Aziraphale has made his mind up and knows exactly what his plan is, he wants to make peace with leaving crowley, giving up on taking him with him, but this has proven how dedicated Crowley is to this, only making separating that much more painful.

That's why he doesn't say anything. Settling for "I forgive you." The very same words he echoed in season 1. A demon, the unforgivable fallen angels. Aziraphale is giving him another chance almost, saying "you were never fallen in my eyes" but also allowing him to leave, forgiving him for throwing away the opportunity Aziraphale is giving to him (I'm not saying that as in I think that's a good option I mean it from Aziraphale's perspective.)

Crowley immediately picks up on that, his voice defeated upon realising that aziraphale wasn't receptive to his efforts "don't bother". His lasts words to the angel that he no longer recognises and who doesn't recognise him. His angel basically admitted that he doesn't love him as a demon, only as an angel...

And that's the most poignant part I think. Nina is right, they don't communicate, and although a lot was said, it wasn't enough...

Aziraphale's touch of the lips shows so much. It's almost as though he feels violated or robbed of what was meant to be pure and special, but soured by their own inability to talk. Not only that, it's clearly a lingering feeling, he doesn't fully understand what just happened, still trying to catch up with his own feelings, it's the last thing from Crowley that he's got now, their relationship in total tatters.

right if you made it this far, I'm sorry for rambling on but I do sincerely hope you all found this interesting and can add to my observations!! I love this fandom and don't forget to keep watching, we need that season 3.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #go2 spoilers #good omens spoilers #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #good omens episode 6 #aziraphale #crowley #beezlebub #archangel gabriel #neil gaiman #muriel #uriel #david tennant #michael sheen

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kerubimcrepin · 3 months

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Live-read: Dofus Heroes - Kerubim Tome 1 (part 1)

You can find this comic's physical version on Ankama's site, webtoon version on Allskreen, and Free Scans on various file-hosting websites that shall not be named.

Quick disclaimer: While I will be including french screenshots here, because it is a language that uses the latin alphabet, and everyone has that on their keyboards, all ready to type up in DeepL and Google translators — what I will actually be reading is a new fan translation in my native language, which does not use latin alphabet.

Time to quickly switch between two tabs because nobody has translated this comic into English. Yaay...

This comic has, as my fellow crepinjurgenology studies colleague @dullard put it, "thin god Ecaflip jumpscare"

Ecaflip looks a lot like Ush here, and I think it's way too malevolent. Part of the fun of him to me, is that he is an Evil Fucking Cat that looks like a cute cat. It makes his despicable actions more funny & interesting.

...Anyway, this comic came out during the run of the show, in 2013, and its sheer existence, — including its negative portrayal of ecaflip, its inclusion of blood and Kerubim's 20 mental illnesses, — is a direct confirmation of the show being an unreliable narrator story. (Though, we've been knew.)

This comic's most important function for this blog is that it will provide us with a well-needed glimpse at what Kerubim's adventures are like when he isn't retelling them to a 7-year-old child whose respect and approval he desperately craves.

The second Kerubim is fatally wounded, he gives up. Yet, Ecaflip saves him, without using one of his nine lives, just as he did in the Wheel of Destiny article.

I suppose it's one of his trump cards, isn't it?

But I am more interested in how at peace Kerubim is with death... It does make sense for Kerubim to hide some rather morbid feelings about his life behind his cheery facade, doesn't it?

It must be tiring. Losing your family, being a god's plaything, losing your brother, feeling like you have to constantly play the role of the cool womanizing warrior, and never unpacking your emotions about any of it. Death would feel like a relief from such weight.

Which makes Ecaflip's grip on his life feel more malicious.

I know, chances are, this comic, as well as most of the show, were made well before Kerubim's demigod status was thought of as a plot-point.

But even in terms of him being a demigod... I think that death would seem relaxing, despite its temporary nature, wouldn't it?

One of the main things of this whole comic is that Kerubim gets amnesia.

Harry Du Bois-ass character. Not only is he mentally ill, divorced, and has 20 layers of sad backstory, but also he got amnesia. God bless.

Yeah, this comic is more realistic and gritty than the show, but the cartoon shenanigans are still real. Thank god.

There's a reason why I think that a big part of Kerubim's character is his experiences with loneliness and isolation, and the way it makes him crave being loved and cared for, as well as how it makes him act out to get attention and popularity.

It's telling that while completely amnesiac, he identifies immediately with a small kitten, whom he immediately assumes is a "he" and "an orphan", and wants to take care of it.

It may seem like an innocuous moment at first, but "he is all alone" will become a reoccurring motif for Kerubim's mental state and subconscious in this comic, and it is the comic where we get the Orphan Kerubim reveal.

I already discussed the fact that I think Kerubim kept and adopted Joris due to Atcham-related guilt earlier on the blog, but I will take this moment to voice 2 other reasons:

Kerubim identifies with orphans and children easily. He would never leave Joris alone after looking at him and thinking "You're all alone. Like I was."

The idea of having a child would be very pleasant to someone as lonely as him. He struggles a lot with wanting to act in a way that will make people like him, and children are, by nature, inclined to like their parents even if they're complete losers.

Btw, if you follow my main, @joris-jurgen , you probably know that I headcanon Kerubim as having comorbid HPD and BPD. Because it fits. And because personality disorders are usually the result of insane levels of childhood trauma. And... my experience running this blog has so far not swayed me from this opinion in any way. This little paragraph was your Armchair Fictional Psychology Corner. This man can fit a lot of sadness and wanting to be loved in him.

Ecaflips confirmed to, just like real cats, have very good night vision.

...Aaand now I'm thinking about cute scenarios of Kerubim, Atcham, and Joris travelling at night, or navigating their home in the darkness.

(Because Joris doesn't have human eyes, as we've seen from the movie. And considering the way Grougaloragran's eyes reflect light in the Oropo ova, chances are, dragon eyes glow in the dark, the same way cats do. Which brings me to the point that, Joris's dragon-ish eyes would probably glow in the dark. Like a cat. Yeah, I am very sane, and should not be sedated in any way, readers.)

Crocosec has always wanted to have a butcher's shop and feed people with delicious food...

Ah, I don't know why, but my silly little detail-noticing from the first eps, where I pointed out that he has a meat shop, paying off? It makes me feel fuzzy. It's nice to know that the person who wrote this comic cared enough, and that it's something that was put in here with intent.

Anyway, I am about to be very normal about the next few pages.

*jumpscaring you by including a screenshot from the high-quality scanlation I am reading. Because this moment would be too blurry if I didn't.

He isn't even playing with any other kids... This is going to kill me, and not in a fun way.

The translation I am reading interprets the last line as "I would return to..." but it seems a bit wrong to me, especially considering my own research on language sentence-comparing sites.

What Kerubim pretty much says here, is that, he'd like to become a huppermage, and use magic to bring back his parents, sisters, and brothers.

While one could interpret that as Kerubim being lonely while being raised in an orphanage all his life without a family, I have a couple of counterpoints:

He calls the kitten "orphaned" specifically, which implies that there were parents, and that they aren't there anymore.

If it were just a family he wanted, he wouldn't be as specific as to say "sisters and brothers," besides just "parents," which leads me to assume that Kerubim means specific people he used to know (before they died).

3. Atcham is a Crepin too, as was revealed in the Dofus Movie. Logically speaking, if they were both given to the temple after being born, (and as we know, Atcham was at the temple, because Bashi knew him, according to Wheel of Destiny #8) they probably wouldn't have surnames, especially the same one.

4. Kerubim's unfunny joke about being the last in his family.

5. Wakfu: One More Gate's shopkeep being an ancestor of the Crepin family implies that Crepins are a real family that existed, and that, perhaps, Kerubim's affinity for selling stuff has to do with his early upbringing, before he was orphaned.

6. In the Dofus manga, Atcham says that a sword he owned, which was stolen from him, has been "passed in his family for generations", which yet again, points to them having a family to begin with.

All of this to say... What I think happened was far more devastating.

He had sisters and brothers, and two parents — it doesn't matter if the Crepin family was an adoptive one, or if it was made up of their biological mother, her husband, and half-siblings. Because they're all dead, and that's just... horrible.

A whole family, at the very least 6 people (if we assume that by "sisters and brothers", he means just two sisters and two brothers), wiped out.

...Oh, and one last thing.

7. I think that, as an adult, Kerubim did put some research into dark magic, with a hope of bringing his family back.

Just as he said he would.

....Though, as always, that might just be me reading too much into things. ╮(￣ ▽ ￣)╭

These aren't the tears of an orphan who wishes he had a family. These are tears of grief of a child who used to have one.

And Ecaflip, his biological father and God, is taunting him about it.

...I would speak on my deeplore conspiracy theory that perhaps Ecaflip himself is to blame for whatever happened to Kerubim and Atcham's family, — to get Kerubim, or both of them, isolated, and under his thumb, — but perhaps it's just me being actually clinically insane.

#heroes comic #ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #krosmoz #kerubim crepin #atcham crepin

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moviesstoriesandbooks · 1 year

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What if Chay moves on healthily because no matter the reason , Kim's actions were shitty? Ok how about if Chay goes to therapy to deal with the "murder cat leaving bodies in the bar" incident , and talks and figures out his shit with a mafia approved therapist (I'm looking right at you , the person who wrote the ff) , and she is adamant about boundaries and respect , trust and basic needs in a relationship ??

And Chay , being the good boy that he is , listens. And understands. And actively works towards bettering his mind . He understands what Kim did is wrong on many levels and also that he should never settle for less , that he should never throw himself away , or be sad over other people and their horrible behaviour.

And he rediscovers his passion for music , goes to the very same college , and focuses on his life.

Gets an internship, moves to the US , where they specifically ask him to stay because they'd love to have him full term. And he builds his own life there , Vegas and Arm keep him off the radar , and he lives his life almost normal. No involvement with the mafia on a surface level.

Porsche though , still cursing himself for undermining Chay's safety during the coup , makes him take self defence lessons. Which quickly progress to advanced defensive tatics, much to Porsche's shocked surprise. Porchay has particular penchant for throwing knives . He's been trying with axes these days , more damage and incapacitating, Chay says on facetime to a proud but worried Porsche .

Kim doesn't know about any of these. Any information he craves about Porchay would have to come from Tankhun , Kinn or Porsche , and it's not like he's on speaking terms with any of them . He could visit Tankhun and fish for gossip , but even he seemed very tight lipped about Chay and his US college life .

Had Chay asked them all to keep it quiet? Kim did try to track the transactions and Chay's daily bodyguard tail info. Even that was so heavily underground that the only thing he could be sure about was that Chay was alive . Was Chay ordering it be this way??

Till one day , Kim realises that the ever present tightness in his chest , the heartache when he hears Chay's old studio recordings , videos they filmed together and even the major family cctv footage from before he left , is all Kim has left of his love. Because yes , Kim did love Chay , and he was too much of a coward to say it openly ,to even admit to himself and now he wants to say it out loud to the entire world , but there's no one to hear it.

Meanwhile Chay only ever thinks about Kim in anger and hate over what he did , and pity for Kim's supposed reasons , but also derision at the fear those reasons were trying to hide. Only ever thinks about him when his music is on his mind , but that music no longer making the bridge towards love .

And after two years when he returns , Chay is Porchay Pichaya Kittisawad , a man who has lived content with his friends and lovers , grown into his role as the minor family heir : with eyes that could melt hearts and hands that could stop them.

Kim doesn't even get notified when Chay returns , and the news is unceremoniously dumped on him five minutes before Porchay is walking into the ballroom clad in his pristine navy suit, fluid even in his stillness , joking with Porsche and Kinn , looking every part the heir , that Kim suddenly fell short. He used to be the mysterious heir , who everyone gravitated towards. Noone was looking at him anymore. While the years made him grumpy and unapproachable , the same seemed to have bettered Chay , like the finest of wine.

He even looked different. No more the stumbling shy blushing kid , he stood tall , taller than Porsche , and was making smalltalk with the snakes who Kim had threatened for trying to monopolise the profits last month , with the air of a prince meeting his long lost distant relatives.

The more Kim watched him , the more his confidence shrunk. Maybe he could make himself known after a few guests leave.

Porchay caught his eye at that exact moment , stopped and stared , then smiled at him and raised his glass.

Kim bowed his head slightly and turned away. He had lost track of whatever conversation he was pretending to be a part of.

He had to excuse himself to the bathroom to get his bearings and there , the gilded mirror pointed out the unwelcome red dusting his cheeks. His eyes looked overly bright and he looked like he'd run a mile.

Had Porchay forgotten everything?? The silent touches , the night spend cuddling , the days spent making music together , did they mean nothing to him anymore?? Maybe he doesn't want his brothers to notice anything. Of course he definitely hasn't told anyone anything because Kim would've known from Porsche , for sure, if he had.

Maybe Porchay wanted to keep things on the down low. Maybe they'll talk after the guests leave and he'd slip back into the old comfortable familiarity. Right now ,he was anything but familiar. And it didn't feel comfortable when Porchay looked at him so casually.

There was no longer that twinkle in his eyes for Kim , that used to be only reserved for him.

------------------------

Porchay was lounging on the couch by the kitchen , drinking juice straight out of the carton , Porsche sitting with his feet on his lap and torso supported on Kinn's when Kim entered. Tankhun was taking the other couch all to himself while paying strict attention to whatever Porsche was saying. They looked every bit the picture of family , that Kim suddenly felt like *he* was the outsider.

That he was the one who was introduced into this less than 3 years ago , and he was the one who had went away for two of them .

When his entry caught everyone's attention , tankhun patted the seat next to him and offered him a smile , which Kim returned while he lowered himself by his brother's side. He could easily fall into the conversation that resumed, about music , business , gossip they'd missed , bodyguards who joined , vegas, pete and macau and even little Venice.

After they all left tired to their rooms , Kim wondered if Chay would pay him a visit that night. He couldn't sleep till sunrise , but Chay still didn't show up.

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alkalische · 6 months

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also now that i'm updated with manfred lore i kinda have a crackpot analysis/ theory that's a LITTLE substantiated by the plot

it's about how theresis's mentoring might have contributed to the way that manfred treats paprika

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We don't actually know much about manfred's past, but we do know that he was mentored/ tutored by theresis alongside ascalon when he was little (i assume at LEAST pre puberty, so child, because the text uses 'since they were small'.)

---

And when amiya has a breakdown in 11, the sarkaz around her are siezed by memories that are traumatic to them.

"She hears the dull clunk of a young soldier's sword as it meets the head of an enemy for the first time." appears with a brief cut in of Manfred. That's his memory. That's something that was traumatic to him.

we can infer from this that he probably didn't enjoy the act of killing, but he was taught to do it under the guidance of theresis.

and in 12, you can see his beliefs laid out clearly, that kindness and patience are idealistic ideas for fools- but watch the phrasing carefully. Manfred specifically mentions 'he told me'- with he in this case referring to theresis.

---

Manfred likes to do this a lot, referencing and parroting the ideals of theresis whenever he feels uncomfortable, and i theorise that it's somewhat soothing for him, to go back to something that feels familiar, stuff that he learnt as a child studying under theresis.

My intepretation of Manfred's perception of Theresis is that theresis was kind a father figure to him. He was person that he admires greatly and craves approval from.

Something like a child latching onto any sort of perceived affection from an adult that raised them.

But much as i do like theresis, I don't think he would be a very affectionate father. I think to him, manfred is his student, someone he can mentor and pass down his knowledge to, someone with strategic value.

I think that theresis has pride in manfred as his student. Or at least tolerates his opinions in the court. Basically i think he sees manfred as a kid, not necessarily HIS kid, but a kid.

---

think that theresis teaching and exposing manfred to violence at a relatively young age may have been twisted into some kind of fucked up perception of (fatherly) affection in manfred's head

And i also think it's a big reason as to why he decided to take in paprika and 'impart the lesson of violence' on her, because to him, that's a way of showing some form of care.

To expose her to the 'truths' of the world, just like theresis did to him, because 'she needs to know'.

-----

As i've said before, manfred believes that he's doing what he must, for the future of the sarkaz, something that might have been imparted onto him by theresis, which might be why he believes so strongly and feels justified in his ideals.

But he actively reminds himself of his actions, of the people that he's sent to their graves- the killing he does is not senseless. He knows that he's complicit, and he takes responsibility for it, but doesn't necessarily regret it.

He seems to truly understand the weight of his actions, but still feels that it's the only way.

-----

In this nice little scene here, he gives paprika a copy of hoederer's book.

I think that once again this might actually be his way of showing affection, not by action of giving her the book, but providing and exposing her to the history of the sarkaz.

And that ties back into my point of how might have been the way that manfred perceived theresis to 'show affection'- through education.

----

#arknights #theory #manfred #paprika #character analysis

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kurogamishiro-chan · 10 months

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When many people said "eugh, Ruby need to get over her crush on Gorou who now is her own twin", I'm busy thinking about Gorou's, or, Aqua's own "crush".

Gorou, first of all, was not a fan of idol before he met Sarina. And later on he became Ai's biggest fan, especially after he lost Sarina. What I see the most from this is that Gorou is in his own way, a "people pleaser", especially to his precious people. It came with his job as a doctor and his loneliness. And it also can be his own brand of kindness. And maybe being Ai's biggest fan was his coping mechanism.

When he met Sarina, his world has changed bit by bit. He never thought of his own life as unfortunate, but then there was a little girl who lost her own self more and more so fast. And there was no one to support her. Yet she was so radiant that it left a big impression in Gorou's life. The way she still had the capacity to love her idol, Ai, as deep as that was so dazzling. And tho I don't doubt Gorou's grandma's love for him, Sarina might be the first to show and gave him love so straightforwardly. And being emotionally stunted man he was, didn't know what he felt for her but Sarina IS the biggest presence in his heart, even following onto the reincarnation.

Now, I know that Aqua loves Ai so deeply. But for what I see, when he was Gorou, he became a fan of Ai more for Sarina's sake, at first. To give her a friend who share the same interest and all. But later on he became a genuine fan. BUT, remember how he sometimes saw Sarina's shadow in Ruby?? It might be similar with that. He saw Sarina's shadow in Ai, and now vice versa. Even Director Gotanda saw Ai in Ruby.

And above all, Gorou/Aqua can't differ his own feeling of 'love' he doesn't know if he was 'in love' with Ai or not, and he take interest on Akane when she start to mimic Ai and can be used. And there's Kana, who he can banter easily but in the end he use her for his own purpose. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for them, it's the opposite. Despite how crass he used them, he does care deeply and doesn't want them to get hurt. Which fail spectacularly.

But Ruby, Ruby is that one existence he won't ever use for his purpose. And he will go to hell and back to keep her 'radiance'. It's the same with how he treated Sarina and Ai, like they're the precious goodness in this bleak world and have their own circle in his heart. He knew of their flaws, yet still treat them like they had no fault.

He laughed meanly at how naive Kana is, how easily she swayed by the boy she likes. But he tries so hard to preserve Ruby's innocence, or what left of it despite knowing how hard her life was/is. Even when he listen Ruby said of how broken she was, she's still the most radiant.

I do ship AquaRuby, but I won't said that Aqua doesn't have a "crush" on Ai, Akane, Kana. Like I said, Gorou/Aqua is emotionally stunted about his "love". He cares deeply, craves for love, but doesn't know how to receive and reciprocate. His "love" is of self-sacrifice kind of way. He was fucked up when still as Gorou, losing Sarina when she said her confession, and then losing Ai as Aqua in almost the same way. Rather than focusing on his own "love" and discovering it, he's more desperate on not losing anyone else. That said, he wants to finally have his happiness. But as long as the biggest threat (aka Kamiki Hikaru) still running around, his precious people is in a big potential danger, especially his sister Ruby, his idol's daughter who's so alike with their mother, and the reincarnated "Sarina-chan". He feels he owes them (Sarina-chan & Ai) for loving him.

Why he feels like he owe them? From my own experience and from what I know of Gorou, people like us need others (precious people) approval and love to feel like we have a living purpose. Even then, we felt that we need to do more to not lose them. Loneliness is a scary thing. Maybe that's why he attracts other lonely people (the girls). He show them the support they want, and sometimes show some empathy.

And for him, Sarina-chan is the loneliest. She suffered so greatly even without that loneliness. And then he met Tendouji Marina as Aqua, and once again reminded how much Sarina had suffered and abandoned. Even then she still waited for her mother, wished for her parents health, loving Ai and Gorou, smiling and dreaming, etc.

And well, yeah, thats why I think the one Gorou/Aqua loves the most is Sarina/Ruby. I don't know what kind of love it is, and don't know who will end up with Aqua, but for now Sarina/Ruby is his number one girl.

#oshi no ko #hoshino aquamarine #hoshino aqua #hoshino ruby #hoshino ai #arima kana #kurokawa akane #not aqua x akane ship #not aqua x kana ship #but not a hater either #aquaruby #gorousarina #amamiya gorou #tendouji sarina #gorou amemiya #sarina tendouji

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therend · 9 months

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I really love how this season focused on Aziraphale's relationship with God the same way season one did with Crowley. Because I think, ultimately, it all comes back to God. Not Heaven and Hell, the two "sides" that are actually not that different at all, but God themself.

In the first season we saw Crowley yell at God with no answer, telling them desperately that they shouldn't test humans to destruction. Then there's the scene Crowley goes to apologize to Aziraphale after the bandstand. Aziraphale thinks if he just reaches the right people everything would be fine, and Crowley says "there aren't any right people. There's just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us".

But Aziraphale can't see that. He knows heaven isn't exactly caring, but he wants to separate God from heaven, he wants to believe that God is good and if Heaven sometimes isn't, it's because it's not walking in the path of God. He wants to believe the best in everyone and most importantly in God. He wants to believe that God loves him as much as he loves them. He wants to believe that God is a being of affection and reason and peace like he is, and Crowley was the same, mind you.

When Angel Crowley questioned God's plan of destroying his beloved creation in just a few thousand years, he wasn't questioning God. he hoped he could make God hear him, just like Aziraphale did when he tried to contact God in season one. Angel Crowley was sure he was doing a good thing, giving God suggestions to better their creation. He wholeheartedly believed that asking questions wouldn't get him into any troubles because he BELIEVED God is good and wants the best for everyone. And then, after he was thrown out of heaven for no reason, after he was rejected by the one being who's supposed to love and accept him, the one being who created him and gave him the ability to create and question and love, he had no choice but to throw away all of his flowery ideas of God being something better than their representatives. He had to acknowledge the truth at that point because it was the reality of his situation.

And that's exactly what hasn't happened for Aziraphale yet. He keeps wanting to talk to God and God doesn't speak to him, he sees God stand back and do nothing when humans suffer, and sometimes actively cause their suffering, like in Job's case. And he saw God banish Crowley, this beautiful, good, deeply caring being he's so in love with. He knows in the back of his brain that God isn't someone to expect anything good from either, but he can't admit it just yet. We see him all through season one trying to explain God's careless decisions, seemingly to Crowley but mostly to himself. "It's ineffable," he says, as if the smug lack of explanation is explanation enough for breaking the morality God's supposed to represent. Crowley was the child who was disowned, and Aziraphale is the child who is mistreated over and over again but still thinks that if he does everything just right, his parent would finally acknowledge and love him.

And one of the most painful things about all this is that Crowley's witnessing this all. He knows God won't ever care for Aziraphale the way Aziraphale wants them too. He knows Aziraphale will only hurt himself in this. He can be the love Aziraphale needs, he is the love Aziraphale needs, he's just so deep in his craving for God's approval that he cannot see it.

#good omens #GOS2Spoilers #this is me projecting my own trauma relating to god and parents on them both but also I'm right #hopefully in season three god fucks him over good enough that he Realizes #it's going to be very painful but like. it's already very painful #wow i hate god

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lavenoon · 1 year

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Woke from a nightmare n decided to check Tumblr before passing out again. I saw you mentioned wanting more Eclipse Asks 👀

Please please please tell us more about the boy :0 I would love to know more about that tall fidgeting mess of a man!

Okie now I go pass out again, cyaaaa o/ 💤

@naffeclipse

I have been enabled.

Eclipse, in short, is a mess. He copes well enough, but his insecurities have been there from the beginning - they were predestined, with how he came to be.

Sun and Moon used to have a shared mode, before they decided it would be better for their sanity to just let the other do his thing and remain in rest mode. It was a blend of their AIs, making verbal communication unnecessary. Immediate understanding and combined planning skills, it did help them out of a few pickles (though they didn't get into too many, before this job).

And technically, they can still enter that mode.

They don't, because continued use of that "Eclipse" mode, with that blend of AIs where not even their system could differentiate where one ends and one begins, caused their AI to split into three one time.

Eclipse came into existence, trapped within a mind that wasn't his own, a miracle in a way, but received with shock and hostility. Neither of them expected him, least of all he himself!

That's why he's so curious, with that insatiable thirst for knowledge. If he's possible, what else might be? What else might be out there, ready to be found? Ready to be created?

But of course, there's the insecurity. The terrible need to compete with his brothers to prove himself vs the endless fear of falling short compared to them, again and again. He got them their job but what they do he'll never be good at, he's the taller one with more limbs but his battery is spotty at best, barely keeping him together well enough. They didn't want him in their head, and he didn't want to be in their head, and they got him a rush-job of a body (that I'll get to, too). They're all happy with the separation, but none of them were happy with the need for one.

Even if everyone wants him to have his own body, it's hard not to feel rejected, hard not to feel unwanted. The lingering tension remains even after the separation, and only exacerbates the problem. They don't want him, even when he's his own person. They pushed him out, because he'll never be good enough for them. They're all he has, and he is so so scared of them never accepting him. Maybe they just tolerate him, because they feel responsible - but would they choose him, if they ever had the option? Between his existence and non-existence, which one would they opt for? He's scared to ask.

It's tense, this relationship with his brothers. He pretends to be unaffected, like any younger sibling may pretend the approval of their older, cooler siblings may not matter. But he craves it so much. He wants to be wanted, wants to be accepted, wants to be loved - who doesn't?

Sun and Moon don't hate him. They're not quite sure, at first, but he is their little (annoying) brother. They care for him, want him to be safe, and when push comes to shove, they'd help him out no question. "No you can't wear my shirt but I'll help you hide a body" sibling dynamic.

There's also some guilt, at first - he wasn't meant to exist, and his AI was a strange mix of theirs and his few own experiences. Faulty, some might say, not fully developed. But he's doing fine these days, if a little clueless about social cues and a bit too happy to set things on fire, so the guilt really disappeared. It's better for Eclipse, too - he really hated being pitied for existing.

It gets a bit better when they live apart, because they don't serve as constant reminders for each other. Eclipse still has his brothers with him - the necklace I drew him with was not a coincidence, even if he claims that "a combined Sun and Moon pendant just means Eclipse. It's a me necklace".

Still makes sure they're okay, developing gloves for them that give them that extra grip during parkour, and making sure all his little gadgets make it to them. (And if they get some confidential blueprints in the mail for their own little workshop, well, he always was loose-lipped for someone without lips) (He needs them to be okay. This is how he can make sure - and if they build his designs, well, that's approval, too, right?)

Sun and Moon also are still there for him. They play up the annoyance sometimes, but they do care for him.

Especially considering that well, his "health" issues are kind of their fault. The body was a rush job - he has "narcolepsy", or rather the animatronic equivalent. The lower his battery goes, the higher the chance that his system will recognize it as dangerously low, and push him into rest mode. He always makes sure to be fully charged for work, because even if the rest mode spells only take a few moments to a minute, it's risky in a lab environment to randomly pass out.

He's saving for a replacement - but it's slow going, with all the other repairs he necessitates and with all the fun things to buy in the world. He's just a bit of a hoarder, attracted by colorful and shiny things, and of course, anything he can fidget with.

Him and Y/N... They're good, really! But despite all the cues he misses, it's glaringly obvious that his brothers are very interested, so he just isn't. Not romantically, at least. He's not interested in fighting that battle, only losing to his brothers who live and work with them, so rather inserts himself into a unique role that his brothers don't already fill. But they like him, they accept him, and at times even seek him out - first about inventions and gadgets, then about funny stories (dirt) about Sun and Moon, and then just to chat sometimes. It reassures him that even with them in the picture, he's not out of it, partly due to their own efforts to include him

They're all four a family, with time. Having Y/N in the mix lightens the mood, and keeps them all from constantly thinking about all what was, and instead enjoy the moment, or even plan for the future.

With Moon being the only one who doesn't lie about scars, any family reunions are hell for him while he's out - because Eclipse and Y/N are just inventing crazier and crazier stories, that somehow are totally unrelated to the real cause of the scars they sport, "For the bit, Moon, it's for the bit" "He wouldn't get it, don't try" "Can't appreciate a good story. He's still mad I got creative before". By then it's not even like they try to convince anyone, they just think of it like a creative exercise!

Sun and Moon may act a little annoyed that Eclipse and Y/N get along so well, but they realize quickly that their brother isn't interested in their little rival like that, and then it's just... A relief. The two people in their life they can't imagine living without get along, why would they complain? They may enable each other, and someone should keep an eye on where the fire extinguisher is, but they're glad things are looking up for their little family, at last

And they'll all be okay, with time <3

#answer let luce #zelda7999 #brain short-circuiting about my tagging system for a moment.#ribbons-halos #naffeclipse #there. bases covered GFHDJS #accidentally undercover #hi him the boy #somehow this au has helped me just really understand my eclipse in general #he wants to be wanted. wants to be someone's first choice #hence why he may befriend Y/N and tease his brothers about them spending time with *him*#but never; NEVER try to take his brothers spot in their life #do give him smooches tho he'd love that #affection starved boy #i love him #this still isn't *everything* but everything that fit the tone of this one #there's gonna be more thoughts in an hour anyway probably I know me #but 8pm. long day. this ramble is over #hope u enjoy <3

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probablyhuntersmom · 1 year

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A Look at Hunter’s Complex PTSD (Part 3)

In this next part, I’ll go over certain trauma-related behaviours which we see in Hunter: ruminating and basically not being in the present whenever he is emotionally warped back into the past or negative future scenarios.

Warnings for abuse and trauma mentions, as usual.

Whenever he isn’t emotionally in the present (and let’s say his Grimwalker brain is pretty much just like that of us humans lol), the system of connections in his brain called the default mode network (DMN) is being activated.

The author of What My Bones Know, a book that is both a Complex PTSD memoir and collection of research, decided to do more digging about the DMN after having a breakthrough in her recovery journey in a restorative yoga session:

Therefore it seems like the DMN is the daydreaming/“what if” network in our brains.

Eclipse Lake is probably the best example episode that shows Hunter’s DMN being overactive.

Even though he was still calmly planning how to get more of Belos’s approval:

the plan fell through and by the time we see him here:

there is a lot of rumination going on and he's thinking of awful things that could happen in the future (though there is very good reason for the poor thing to be doing so here!).

A couple of other examples:

Here his DMN must be off the charts, and his mind is obviously wondering about what Belos is going to do to him in the future:

While a past-oriented example would be here, in the form of flashbacks:

However..it’s pretty interesting that having a lot of structured military training in his life has (I believe) helped him to be present enough on plenty of occasions. This allows him to perform well to an extent. The downside of that is it has worn down his body via lack of enough rest and nutrition.

And all this is orchestrated by Belos, who deliberately wanted to control things and reach certain outcomes as Hunter’s abuser: 1. needing him to at least feel special and perform well to a degree, in order for him to become the Golden Guard and to get him to crave more of that oh-so-good feeling, 2. overworking the kid by giving him so much to do and giving such high expectations to fulfill, with dire consequences if he fails (*shudders* It’s so awful tbh, it’s how cults operate). Belos will give just enough, then withdraw affection/attention/love just enough, in the abuse cycle…to suit his agenda. It is manipulative and terrible because affection/attention/love are basic needs of any person, let alone a kid.

In the C-PTSD context, Belos performing all those abusive actions little by little over a period of years would have shaped Hunter’s DMN to be a certain way. But the way forward for him would be practicing more of something called mindfulness.

Related to the above pic, there are definitely moments where Hunter does stuff that short-circuits his overactive DMN to practice mindfulness and healthily shift his focus to the external.

The most obvious would be these:

Focusing entirely on imitating Gus, and on the sound and feeling of his own breaths: doing all this as best as he can.

Focusing on the goal of helping Gus and diverting enough of his attention to the external where he is trying to take deliberate, mindful, slow and deep breaths (note: this doesn't necessarily work for every person, depending on their trauma history).

The unhealthy version of this focus-on-the-external technique would be wanting to avoid reflecting/thinking about something internally, by e.g. overexerting oneself doing exercise or giving attention to the external: during times when looking inward would be the beneficial thing to do.

If that happens, in therapy speak we might want to encourage something called “sitting/staying with the discomfort” which is a vital skill for trauma survivors to learn, since it’s pretty frequent for anyone - even who have experienced pretty minor trauma - to push away or file away our pain using our work life, substance abuse, gaming, eating, etc. Allowing space for the painful, unpleasant feelings to exist alongside the other not-scary emotions, instead of the uncomfortable feelings hijacking the whole emotional experience.

I believe that where we left off in Thanks to Them, the current state of Hunter's mind is that his DMN is largely switched off: because he has steeled himself in a new way, leaning into his support network, to go face Belos together.

It ain’t a yoga class for sure, and won’t be a walk in the park! But his mind doesn’t have space to ruminate or daydream if things are now more “Mission first, to save the Boiling Isles” than ever.

I just hope that the next time his DMN is in overdrive (which is realistically inevitable), he won't be alone and will receive immediate loving care.

If we rewind through his character arc a little, his work and duties have been his DMN-silencer too.

Until it wasn't:

It was the same for me throughout my teens, the most important method I relied on to survive...though my own DMN-silencers majorly changed in my early 20s to other means like gaming and walking outdoors, once the “gifted kid burnout” (I only say this because I remember some grownups absent-mindedly throwing around the word "gifted" at me, which frankly did not work out to be a positive influence at all in my life) became too much :’)

For our boy, it was wonderful to see his own DMN-silencers gradually changing once he made healthy connections outside the Emperor’s Coven:

*gives him a weighted blanket…something tells me he’ll like that*

Those sorts of activities would be effective in shutting off the internal dialogue that wants to keep punishing him.

To draw extra attention to the bit above, in the C-PTSD context: it is even better that he tries out things that not only ground him in the present but also connect him to his friends:

This is because as stated in Parts 1 and 2, C-PTSD is pretty much about having a web of damaged relationships with people, yourself and the world, because of a considerable range of triggers that could be painful reminders. Creating new positive memories in trusted safe company, in new settings, is therefore vital.

With my own C-PTSD background, I experience that particular grounding and interconnectedness whenever I do things like go out to hang out with friends in person or on voice call, singing alone in my room to fave songs, cooking/baking (for the time being, I realize I hate yoga because it reminds me of church), or even when I’m making my Owl House fanart to share on this blog: because that “state of interconnectedness, a feeling that we belong to something—a society, a world that is bigger than us, that shares our essential humanity”, to quote the book author, definitely improves my mental health. That great feeling has been the strongest when I attend comic/anime conventions, or during watch parties for new episodes of TV shows/movies.

Below is a paragraph from the book that is a nice fresh realization:

It is a relief that recovery does not have to purely involve heavy-lifting (e.g. facing our demons in therapy sessions). Instead, there can be pleasant lighter aspects of the process e.g. something as simple as feeling that good sensation when you stretch in the morning, that are just as valid and have their own significance.

A big sign that Hunter is healing significantly is if the strength of the newer positive memories he's made can match, and eventually be stronger than, his traumatic memories.

It will take a lot of work but it will of course pay off greatly.

#toh analysis #hunter's cptsd #toh hunter #the owl house #loz writes a meta

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dollyyun · 1 month

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𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍𝒔 | chap 15

SYPNOSIS: wherein Hwang Stella's life is tangled in a predicament involving her clandestine identity as a racer, her seemingly daily life as the official heir to the Hwang Empire, and seven guys with whom she has a complex history with.

PAIRING: enhypen members x fem oc.

GENRE: 18+ (mdni), reverse harem, chaebols, semi-college & racing, eventual adulthood, non-idol au, eventual enha being f1 drivers, multiple pov (this fic is written in first pov).

WARNINGS: angst, heartbreaks, smut.

WORD COUNT: 8k+

TAGLIST: @aishigrey @kgneptun

🍒 MASTERLIST 🍒

When Stella disappeared without leaving any single traces of her behind, we were devastated, heartbroken to the point where we needed to isolate ourselves from the world, and reeled in despair. I didn't take her departure well in the beginning, and as a result, I became wrathful, lashing at anyone, including Charlotte.

I remembered when I raised my voice at her with such rage that it had her breaking into tears and running away from me. That was the first time I ever shouted at her. My parents berated me about how Stella's departure was rendering me demented, and from there, I burst out in sheer anger despite shedding tears.

To this day, I still resent my parents, which was the reason why I decided to travel abroad with Heeseung, who wanted to pursue a career he had always dreamed of. Due to his influence, I finally knew what I truly wanted. Hence, we are on the same team with the same goal.

Team Ferrari has always prevailed over its competitors. I admit that the training was tough, and there were times where my mental health was flailing, but in the end, I triumphed, including winning previous competitions.

As I exit my vehicle, I remove my helmet and immediately look at where Heeseung is. When our eyes meet, a familiar sentiment flickers in his gaze before he gives me a firm nod with a faint smirk. The tension in my muscles relaxes in response, while my heart warms at the recognition that he approves of my performance in the trial.

Over time, I developed a crave for validation, but only with Heeseung. I didn't know why or how it happened, but I just knew that I wanted his approval and validation. Maybe it's because he's like an older brother to me or because we've gone through similar tribulations.

"You never fail to amaze me, Jake." Heeseung grins, his hand meets mine before he pulls me in to bump his shoulder against mine in a familiar gesture that we always do whenever we win something. "That drift, though. You ought to teach me that move."

I roll my eyes at him, knowing that he is either jesting or simply being humble, as he always is. "Don't make me laugh. You know that you're an exceptional driver as well. Heck, you might be even better than me!"

"Nah." Heeseung chuckles breathily, running his fingers through his hair. "I still need to sharpen my skills. Even Matteo rebuked me for fucking up a little on yesterday's trial."

I press my lips thinly at the mention of our team principal. I know he means well, but the man is a fucking perfectionist, and even the slightest mistake greatly displeases him. "It doesn't matter what he said. I know for a fact that you aced your trial, and you even gained applause and praise from the other teams."

A sigh leaves his lips as he leans away from the wall. "Yeah, well, I still have to prove to Matteo that I'm able to meet his standards, still."

Frustration bubbles within me as I sigh as well. "Heeseung─"

"Heeseung."

Both of us go flinching at the sound of her voice, which is tainted with professionalism. I turn to look at her, whose eyes are on Heeseung. She appears to be holding a clipboard and a pen. Her face is void of emotion. "The team managers requested to have a brief meeting with you. There's an important matter we need to discuss."

I can see the way her eyes look at me fleetingly, almost wavering, before she masks the peculiar sentiment in her gaze when she looks back at Heeseung. She's hard to read now. I ignore the ache in my heart as I look at Heeseung, noticing his soft gaze on her face despite how formal and stoic she is.

"Sure," He says softly. "Lead the way."

Stella nods her head in return and gestures for him to follow her, but not before her eyes fleetingly glance at me once more. This time, I am able to decipher the sentiment in her gaze, and it reflects the same as mine. Longing.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Instead of heading back to my shared apartment with Heeseung, where we temporarily reside, I decided to linger around the main entrance of the headquarters. Dusk has long since painted the sky, denoting that office hours are close to ending with the employees exiting the building.

Speaking of Heeseung, he had left earlier after the meeting ended. But before he left, he did inform me that Stella might be ending slightly late. I don't know why he informed me, but it was as if he knew that I actually wanted to meet her.

My bottom lip is tucked between my teeth, and I can feel lines creasing on my forehead. The look in her eyes earlier—I can't seem to erase it. The chances of her ignoring me and admonishing me are high, but I have to try to crack down on the walls that she built to protect her heart. I have to try and get her to love me back before the Grand Prix season is over, or else I'll regret never trying.

I lean my back against my car, which I have pulled up at the pick-up point, with my arms crossed over my chest and my eyes set straight on the main entrance. Technically, this is just a temporary car to accommodate my accessibility around NYC. Ferrari 296 GTB, one of my dream cars.

Not too long later, I spot Stella making her way out of the main entrance, seeming to be occupied as she is on a phone call. She doesn't seem to notice me yet as she descends the stairs. My heartbeat quickens the longer my eyes linger on her face.

Stella's beauty was what mesmerised me at first sight, but as we grew closer, her disposition made me fall for her hard. She had shown me sides of her that no one could possibly comprehend since she used to be known as someone who was heartless and callous.

I lean away from my car and take a few steps towards her, just as she ends the call. "Stella."

Stella lifts her head instantly. Her eyes meet mine while her lips go slightly parted, appearing to be genuinely shocked to see me in the flesh. "Jaeyun." The way she utters my name takes me by surprise, because there are no traces of detachment like I expected.

My lips form a small smile. "Do you need a ride?" I politely ask.

Though she doesn't seem to have her guard up, hesitation resides in her gaze. She bites her bottom lip while my eyes fall to her movement. "Thank you for the offer, but I think I'll take the subway."

"I insist." Luckily for her, I'm stubborn as a mule. "Besides, I've been meaning to ask you out for dinner." I tell her, rubbing my nape sheepishly. I don't miss the way her eyes soften.

"Okay." Stella acquiesces, offering me a small smile that has a huge impact on my beating heart.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

We didn't talk much during dinner, which we had at a Japanese restaurant. But the silence was not as awkward as I thought it would be. Maybe because I was too nervous to strike up a conversation with her. How could I not be nervous? She's Hwang Stella. My first love and the only woman I intend to marry.

"Thanks for the dinner. I really appreciate it." Stella breaks the protracted silence as soon as I pull up in the parking lot of her apartment building. My eyes shift to her, watching as she unbuckles her seatbelt. All the while, my heart is screaming at me to do something to make her stay a little longer.

"You're welcome." My smile feels tight on my lips. Our eyes meet, and this time, I can decipher the emotion in her eyes. Disappointment. As if she wants me to say something other than that, or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

"See you around, then." She mumbles before looking away from me and proceeding to exit my car. I watch her as she walks away, but her steps seem deliberately slow.

I swear, I can feel blood on my bottom lip with how hard I'm biting it. I mutter a cuss and quickly unbuckle my seatbelt before exiting my car in haste. I jog after her. "Stella! Wait!"

Stella halts her step just as I stop a few feet from her. She slowly turns around, her eyes searching for mine. This time, I can read her as clearly as the day.

"Are you still mad at me? Or are we fine now?" I start off, my breaths come out harsh. "I'm confused. Last week, you declared that you no longer wanted to be in our lives. You even said that─"

"I know what I said, Jaeyun." She cuts me off, her tone sounds firm yet has a tinge of softness. Even by the way she looks at me, it reminds me of the Stella I once knew. Conflict flickers in her gaze, as does irresolution and guilt. "And I never said that I hated you."

"But you said you don't love us anymore."

There it is, the walls she built have come to crumble into pieces. Shaky breaths leave her pink lips while her eyes appear glistening under the lights. "Don't we all say things we don't mean them if it means to protect them?" She chuckles sadly.

I take a step forward, feeling confused. Just two more steps, and I'll have her in my arms. "Protect? Why would you ever want to protect us?"

She looks away from my gaze briefly. "I can't tell you."

"Then tell me this." One step closer to her. "Do you still love me?"

She deflates as though someone hit her. Without thinking twice, I grab her hand, holding it tenderly. "Please, love." I plead. "Tell me the truth."

Stella finally looks at me, but this time, tears brim in her eyes. "Truth is, I tried hating you even before the incident happened four years ago when I found out you were involved in your parents' schemes."

"I know, and I'm terribly sorry for that." I tell her softly, the guilt I bear gnaws at me in my tummy. "I was a fool. I shouldn't have done what I did."

"But even then, I couldn't." Her voice cracks in between. "You were my first love and my first in everything. No matter how much I tried to erase my memories with you and even hate you, my love for you will always prevail."

"I'm so sorry, love."

"I know." She sniffles. "Just know that I've forgiven all of you. What's done is done, and what's in the past stays in the past."

I pull her towards me, startling her. My hand ascends to cradle the cusp of her jaw, tilting her head to meet my eyes. "Can you tell me one more thing?"

"What is it?" She asks in a whisper.

My heart beats with a familiar cadence. "That you love me." I murmur. "Please. I need to hear them."

A teardrop slides down her cheek as she looks at me as though I'm her whole world. "I love you." She reaffirms, but her voice breaks again. She puts her hand on top of mine, adjusting it so my palm is now cupping her cheek. She leans into my touch, making my heart swell with adoration.

"Say it again, love." I whisper, my lips unfurling a soft smile as I lean closer to her face, our noses nuzzling against each other.

A chuckle leaves her lips amidst the tears she shed. "I love you." Her hands curl into fists as they rest on my chest. "I still love you, Sim Jaeyun. Always have."

That is all I need to hear before sealing her in a long-awaited kiss. My lips on hers fit like a complete puzzle, just as she feels right in my arms.

"I'm telling you, Oppa, Stella might need some time." Aera has been trying to dissuade me from making an obvious move. I can imagine the frown on my sister's face just by the tone of her voice. "If you still love her, you'll have to give her some space. Rushing things will only aggravate the situation, especially after you told me what happened last week."

I drape my arm over my forehead as I lay on the couch. A sigh leaves my lips as I press speaker mode instead. "But I have to try something. I don't want her to stray from me any longer. This distance is killing me."

"You're being dramatic." Aera deadpans. "If you can survive four years without seeing her, then I'm sure you can handle this distance for a little longer."

A muscle ticks in my jaw. "I didn't ask for that to happen, Aera." My tongue tastes bitter, as I recall. "You have no idea what I've been through. Four long years, and you didn't even tell me that you've been by her side throughout those years."

Truth be told, Aera and I have never cut contact. Sure, I was saddened by her decision to move abroad, but I knew that she needed to start afresh somewhere. Thankfully, she kept her promise to keep in touch with me, calling me or texting me despite our time differences.

Then, after I touched down in New York, Aera wanted to meet me, as she had something important to tell me. I dismissed how she sounded nervous and guilty over the phone. So we met, and from there, she revealed the truth.

I can't precisely recall how I took the shocking revelation, but I can certainly remember how betrayed I felt. I didn't even lash out at Aera, and instead, I walked out of the cafe in silence. I didn't answer Aera's messages or calls for a few days, needing some time to collect my thoughts and not wanting to make any rash decisions, because as much as I was furious at Aera, I didn't want to lose her again either.

Then we met again at her apartment. She apologised profusely, but I insisted that I didn't blame her and understood why she hid the truth from me. She knew that if she told me that she had been by Stella's side all this time, I would fly to New York without a second thought. Aera was a loyal friend to a fault, her devotion to Stella made me respect her even more.

Aera heaves a soft sigh. "I'm sorry, Oppa." My heart warms at the fact that she decided to call me 'Oppa' a year ago. "But I'm right, aren't I? What if Stella hates you more if you choose to force a connection with her again?"

I rub my tired face. "You're right. I just─" I pause, biting my bottom lip harshly as I falter. "I just miss her a lot. I really love her, Aera."

"I know." I can sense her smiling. "You know what? Just do what you think is best and right. Follow your heart. I'd love to chat with you a little longer, but my break's over. I need to head back to the office."

After I bid her goodbye, she hung up the phone, leaving me with my jumbled thoughts. I hear Jake's footsteps coming from the hallway, prompting me to sit up and stare at him with a puzzled face.

"Since when did you come back?" I ask, bewildered. Since we're the only ones living in the same temporary apartment, Jake often walks around without a top. He drapes his towel over his shoulder after using it to dry his damp hair.

"Since last night." Jake looks oddly content. "I reached about one-ish?" He tells me as he makes his way to the kitchen, but halts his steps before he turns around to look at me again. This time, there is a roguish smile formulating on his lips. "By the way, since you miss Stella so much, you should visit her."

My frown deepens, still confused. "What? Why would you suggest something like that?"

"Why else?" He shrugs his shoulders, and a smirk touches his lips. "Besides, where do you think I was last night?"

Suddenly, it clicks. "You were at Stella's place?" I can't help but be envious, despite the confusion. "Why and how?"

Jake scratches his head. "Well─"

"Never mind." I don't know how, but my body moves faster than I can comprehend as I grab my car keys on the coffee table and my bomber jacket, which is draped over the couch's armrest, and walk towards the main door quickly. "Text me her address!" I tell him without looking back.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I'm running, even as I'm nearing her apartment door, as if there is a time limit for seeing her, as if she would disappear again before I could even see her. I press on the doorbell thrice. I don't give a fuck if I'm being impatient, or rather, desperate. I've been apart from her long enough.

The door slowly opens, revealing the only woman who can make my heart race. Her raven hair is pulled back into a low bun, with a few strands of hair decorating her face frame. Obviously, she does not expect anyone to visit her, judging by the way she is dressed. An oversized white shirt that reaches her thigh area, almost obscuring her black shorts.

Even so, she still manages to look beautiful, rendering me breathless by her beauty.

"Heeseung." Her mouth parts opened in shock before recovering. Her lips press thinly as realisation flickers in her gaze. "Jaeyun must've told you where I lived."

"He did." I swallow harshly, hating how she sounds disappointed. "Can I come in?"

Without much thought, Stella opens the door wide for me to enter. I take brief glances at the interior of her apartment before turning around to face her, who makes her way to the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink?" She asks, opening her fridge.

I enter the kitchen as well, stopping just a few metres from her. "No," I answer as she closes the fridge. "What I want is you."

Stella stares at me with something I can't decipher, but oddly, there are no traces of hostility on her countenance, unlike last week. She bites her bottom lip, sighing as she looks away from me. "To tell you the truth, I'm not ready to see you."

"Why? Do you really hate me that much, sweetheart?" I ask as my heart aches. I ignore the way my voice cracks just slightly. "I know that I shouldn't have done what I did four years ago, and for that, I'm truly sorry. But my feelings for you have always been genuine."

What she does next catches me off guard. She steps closer to me and cradles the cusps of my jaw, her eyes seem apologetic while a saddened smile touches her lips. "I know, Hee." My heart skips a beat. "I've already forgiven you. It's just that,"

Upon her abrupt silence, I hold her wrist and search for her eyes. "Just what, sweetheart?"

"I'm sorry." She breaks down, tears streaming down her cheeks. She hangs her head low. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Shhh, what's wrong? Why are you apologising?" I ask softly, unconsciously backing her up, and without thinking, I hoist her up as she sits on the countertop. Seeing her still weeping profusely with her face burying into her palms, I frown and grab her hands, gently yet firmly pulling away, allowing me to have a look at her beautiful face. "Hey, talk to me, sweetheart."

"I need to tell you something." She says, hiccuping in between. Amidst the guilt, I can see fear in her glistening eyes. "The reason why I disappeared without telling any of you or giving closure is because I was afraid. But above all, I wanted to protect all of you."

"Protect us from what?"

Her lips quiver, and the look on her face is something I've seen before. "From Hwang Minhyuk."

That fucker's name makes my jaw clench while anger simmers within me. I've always wanted to get a good piece of him, or even better, to render him immobilised.

"But he's in prison." I assure her. "He can't do shit, especially when you're out of his reach now. He can't hurt you anymore."

"That's what you don't get." Stella looks at me exasperatedly. "I'm not worried about myself. I'm worried about the seven of you. Before I left for New York, we met for the last time, and he threatened to kill you guys because he knew that wherever I went, you guys would too." Tears return to her eyes. "Because he knew how much I loved you."

"He's not entirely wrong."

"Which was why I did what I did. He was capable of anything, Hee." She whispers brokenly, looking utterly devastated. "I didn't want to risk any chances, and so I left. If leaving meant I'd be protecting you from him, then so be it." A sharp sob leaves her lips. "I'd rather die than allow anything to happen to you guys for the second time."

"Oh, sweetheart." I sigh, pulling her into my embrace as she leans in. The whiff of her familiar scent makes my heart ache, as I've missed it so much. I bury my nose in her hair for a while before kissing her crown. "You didn't have to, because we're capable of protecting ourselves."

"But Hwang Minhyuk is different." She counters weakly, resting her head in the nook of my neck. I place my hand at the side of her bare thigh, rubbing it up and down in an attempt to soothe her. "He's a monster."

I hum in agreement. "That he is. But you could've told us about it," I murmur. "We're not defenceless."

"I'm sorry, but at the same time, I'm not." She pulls away from my neck and looks at me in the eyes. "I'd do anything to protect all of you, even if it meant I would never see you again." Her eyes flicker on my lips briefly. "Because I love you."

My heart swells with a familiar sentiment. "You love me." I say, as though I'm reaffirming her love declaration to myself.

She smiles, her tears are drying on her cheeks. "I do." She grabs my hand and places it on her cheek. She flutters her eyes closed as she leans into my touch. "I really love you, Lee Heeseung."

I blink my eyes, which I haven't realised are watery. Four long years of despair, confusion, anger, and longing are suddenly worth it.

"I really love you too, Hwang Stella." I whisper affectionately to her, leaning down before connecting our lips and kissing her slowly as I wish to relish this moment a little longer.

It's hard to describe my relationship with my older brother. We used to be close until he went off to college. There were also times where I felt envious of him for the fact that he had meticulously planned for his future and remained resilient, which is why he is now a high-paying doctor. Although my parents love all of their children the same, I know that my older brother is their favourite. Despite my envy, I respect and look up to him.

But sometimes he does do unexpected shit discreetly, not telling any of us until the time's right, in his case at least. And so, my jaw goes unhinging while I feel lines creasing on my forehead upon the shocking revelation.

"What do you mean you have a fiancée and you're getting married?" I am finally able to find my voice after a long period of silence, as I tried processing his words into my mind, which already bears jumbled thoughts.

My brother, Park Haneul, is seated across from me with a stupid grin on his face. Presently, we are at a restaurant, and being the youngest sibling, I have the privilege of not needing to pay for the bills, especially when he's the one who wanted to meet me.

Haneul has been living in New York ever since he graduated from college and pursued his endeavours here. Since he was often busy with his own lives, we rarely called or texted unless it was important. So when I finally met him after so long, it was awkward for me, but Haneul didn't seem to think so, as he treated me like he used to when we were young. Eventually, I warmed up to him.

"It means I'm getting married." Haneul chuckles, finding amusement in my reaction. "Why? Are you not happy that your older brother finally wants to settle down?"

"It's not that." I recover, my hand brushing through my hair. This is all happening too fast and sudden, and I don't know what to feel. A sigh leaves my lips. "I'm really happy that you found someone you want to be with for a lifetime, but since when?" I ask with a frown. "Does the rest of our family know about this?"

"Oh, yeah. They knew about it months ago when I flew over to Seoul with my bride-to-be to meet them." Haneul says. "I was surprised when Mom and Dad told me that they lived abroad in the UK for months, then they told me about you." He smiles, and the familiarity of pride in his gaze warms my heart. "You wanted to pursue a career in racing, so imagine my surprise that you've become an esteemed F1 driver."

A smile threatens to form on my lips, but I clear my throat. "I have had to go through such tribulations to get to where I am."

"And I'm proud of you, really." Sincerity gleams in Haneul's eyes. "My little bro, now all grown up." He wipes away a nonexistent tear from his eye.

I roll my eyes at his theatrical action, but chuckles leave my lips. "So, when's the wedding?"

"Next week, Saturday." He informs. "Initially, she wanted to join so she could properly introduce herself to you, but her manager rescheduled an important event for today."

I nod my head in understanding. "Can I bring my best friends along? You remember them, right?" I ask. Haneul met them when he surprised me with his unexpected visit during my second year of university.

Recognition flickers in his gaze. "Ah, they're F1 drivers as well, right?" He smiles. "I'm a big fan of theirs."

I raise my eyebrow. "Oh? And what about me?"

"I'll think about it."

I shoot him a playful scowl, knowing that he is merely jesting. "Ass."

"Anyway, enough of me." Haneul leans his body forward, interest sparks in his eyes. "When are you going to settle down?"

My lips press thinly, not liking where this is going. "I don't plan on settling down. Besides," A muscle pulses in my jaw as I look away from him. "Love is a waste of time."

"You're wrong." His eyes soften, as though he knows that he has touched on a bitter topic. "Love can be amazing, and love is much more than just an intense feeling of attraction."

"For you, maybe." My face is void of emotion. "Good for you, though. But for me? I'd rather stay away from love. Plus, Mom and Dad won't have to worry about not having grandchildren since they have you to give them."

Haneul scans my face, reading me like an open book, but thankfully, he decides to drop it and moves on to another topic. All the while, my mind is distraught by the one person that I once saw a future with.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Earlier, I sent a text in our new-form group chat, requesting for them to gather in my temporary apartment, which is in the same building as Ni-Ki, Jay, Sunoo, and Jungwon. When I found out about where they reside, with the exception of Ni-Ki, I was shocked because I hadn't expected it. As for Jungwon, he reached out to me first just a few days ago. I couldn't say that we hit off well, considering that we were kind of arguing, but eventually, I forgave him.

"So, what did you want to tell us?" Sunoo asks as soon as we settle in the living room, scattered around. Their expectant eyes are on my pacing figure, waiting for me to crack the news.

"You guys remember Haneul? My older brother, who is living here?" I start off. "He's getting married, and he was more than welcome to invite you guys."

"A wedding? Sweet!" Ni-Ki seems enthusiastic, throwing gum in the air before catching it in his mouth. His disposition draws our attention as we collectively look at him with eyebrows raised, to which he mirrors. "What? I've always wanted to attend a wedding. The last time I went to one was years ago. You know, free food and all."

"Make sense of why you're weirdly happy about it." Jake nods his head before looking back at me. "When's the wedding?"

"Next week, Saturday." I say. "So we have time to buy tuxedos or whatever is presentable for a wedding." The guys break into chatter amongst each other, asking for accompanies to buy their suits and all.

"Actually, there's another thing that I need to tell you guys." Heeseung speaks up, leading to the chatter diminishing. As I observe him, he looks slightly troubled. "It's about Stella."

I expect the rest to flinch visibly as I do, but they seem relaxed, which greatly confused me because why aren't they affected by the mention of her name? Just hearing her name is enough to make my heart ache.

Heeseung licks his bottom lip, looking away from us briefly. "She and I made up yesterday."

There is a silence while I process his words in my mind. I don't even know what to feel.

"We made up too." Jake informs, and like bullets, the rest reveal the same news, leaving me the only one left out yet again.

"But I thought she hated us." My cold voice is resonating while I attempt to hide the fact that I'm hurt. "You guys were obviously there at the communal party, and you heard her."

Jay steps forward, seeming to be attempting to soothe my anger. "Sunghoon─"

"She's right." A cold laugh escapes my lips. "We're better off without her. Even if you guys have already made up with her, who is to say that she won't abandon us for another time?"

"Just listen to what Heeseung still has to say, Hoon." Jake says sternly, but his eyes soften as he looks at me.

I bite my lips harshly and look away, but I remain standing as I reluctantly wait for Heeseung to speak. And so he does, not missing out on any details, while the rest of us listen attentively with visible shock, anger, and devastation on our faces, including mine. I don't know what to think or what to feel as I reel in my troubled thoughts in silence.

"If she could've told us, then she wouldn't have to bear the burden to herself." Sunoo murmurs sadly. Before anyone can say anything, the doorbell chimes throughout my apartment, bringing a confused frown to my face.

"Sorry, guys. I didn't expect any guests for tonight except you bunch." I attempt to make my way to the main door, but am stopped by Jake, who gives me a small smile.

"Actually, we did." Jake says before walking towards the main door and opening it, revealing the only woman who lives in my head rent-free 24/7. Her eyes have yet to meet mine as she greets the rest with a small smile that is enough to stab me in the heart.

"We'll give you two some privacy." Jay pats my shoulder while I remain unmoving. I watch as they leave, not before giving her hugs, cheeks, and forehead kisses. When they finally disappear from my sight, she slowly lifts her head and meets my eyes.

"Can I come in?" She asks rather meekly, but I am too dumbstruck to respond, prompting her to enter before closing the door. She doesn't take steps towards me, still examining me.

"You." I finally managed to find my voice. Recalling what happened at the communal party, my eyes hardened. "What are you doing here?"

Guilt and regret reside in her gaze as she ambles towards me, and with each step, my heart is telling me to get to her quickly and hold her. "You already know why."

"No, I don't." My voice is sharp, enough to make her flinch. "Get out. I need some time to collect my thoughts after what Heeseung told us."

A shaky breath leaves her lips. "Sunghoon─"

The anger, despair, heartbreak, and other emotions this woman does to me eventually implode. "Fuck, Stella! Why do you always have to be so difficult?!" I clench my jaw while my eyes are glaring into her watery eyes. "One moment, you acted like I was your enemy once again, and the next, you're telling me that the reason you did what you did was for our protection?!"

I see her faltering, and my heart wants to comfort her and apologise for my outburst, but my mind is in chaos, fucking me up. "You might've thought that what you did was honourable, but it doesn't change the fact that you still broke my heart!"

I feel dampness on my cheeks, but I dismiss it. "You know what's worst? I even thought of having a future with you before you decided to abandon me." I find myself taking a step forward, towering over her figure. "What you did and said was cruel."

Tears stream down her cheeks while her lips quiver. "I'm sorry."

"You broke my heart, and you were the reason why I didn't want to look for a lover in anybody else." The volume of my voice lowers as I stand in front of her, close enough to catch a whiff of her familiar perfume. "You crushed me, Stella."

"I'm so, so sorry." She covers her mouth with her hand, looking down. "I was selfish."

"Yeah, you were." My breath feels heavier while the air around me shifts. I can't resist myself from tucking her hair behind her ear, and when I do, she lifts her head to meet my eyes again.

"I made the decision that I thought was best for all of us." Her voice shakes, and the sadness in her eyes is as clear as the sky. "But I needed to do it because I didn't want to lose any of you." A soft sob escapes her lips. "Because I loved you."

"Did you?" I cradle the side of her face, boring my eyes into hers. "Did you love me, Hwang Stella? Your ex-nemesis?"

"I did, and I still do." Her voice drops to a whisper, and her eyes flicker to my lips. "Even after all this time, my love for you never fades."

"Prove to me." I say firmly, inching my face closer to hers. "You gotta prove to me that you still love me, Princess."

Stella's eyes flutter close as she presses her lips against mine, and that is all it takes for my heart to pound hard against my chest while my pulses drum loudly in my ears.

She pulls away just slightly before whispering, "I'm so sorry."

"Prove it then." My hands reach for her under-thighs, pulling her close to my body before I hoist her up with her legs locking around my waist. Amidst the sadness, there is a palpable tension that both of us can feel as our breaths become laboured.

The heart wants what it wants, and anyone would be an idiot to ignore it, and I'm one of those idiots. I neglected what my heart truly desires for too long. I've allowed my paranoia to get the best of me, resulting in me abandoning the loves of my life. My home.

Am I still afraid of the possibility that Hwang Minhyuk will end up finding us and hurting them? Yes. But I can't be apart from them any longer. Maybe I'm being selfish once more, but this time, it is a need. Like how I need air. Like how Sunghoon is kissing me as though he needs air as well.

With our clothes discarded and tossed elsewhere, he hovers on top of me, kissing me and having me moan airily into his mouth as his tongue invades the cavern of my mouth, exploring every inch.

"I'm still mad at you." He speaks harshly into my parted mouth as soon as he pulls away. Fervent lust clouds my mind like a haze, and my heart beats faster upon his fingers trailing down between the crevice of my breasts and down to my stomach until they finally reach my womanhood that is in need of him.

"Sunghoon!" I gasp, my body going into a complete shock, when he plunges his fingers into my cunt without any foreplay or warning, moving in and out at a rough pace. My hand latches on his moving wrist, but he doesn't relent.

"You're so fucking wet." He says gruffly, leaning down to nip at the skin on my breast before slotting his mouth over one nipple, adding pleasure to my body. He suckles it and bites it, though not enough to hurt me.

My hips move along his rapid movement, and a moan escapes from my lips when he draws circles on my aching clit. "H-Hoon!" I throw my head back on the pillow, my eyes closing shut at the ecstasy while my fingers are tangled in his hair. I feel him trailing his kisses upward until he stops at my neck.

"Yeah? You're close, princess?" He asks, smirking against my neck, his fingers are unrelenting while the sloshing sound echoes in the room.

"So close!" I attempt to rut against his fingers, but as soon as my climax reaches its peak, he removes his fingers from my hole. Tears prickle in my eyes, staring at him as he has a cruel grin on his face. "Why did you do that for?"

"A punishment." In a blink of an eye, he turns me over, my stomach lying flat on the mattress. I gasp at how he's manhandling me, pulling my legs towards him and spreading them. I don't even have the time to react or to adjust when he abruptly thrusts his cock into my hole. He grabs a fist of my hair before pulling it back, forcing me to arch my back.

A series of moans fly from my lips while tears stream down my cheeks. He is ruthlessly fucking me, as though he is fucking his pent-up emotions into me. I hear him breathing harshly amidst the grunts beside my ear.

"How are you so tight?" He asks with a grunt. "Don't tell me that you've never looked for anyone to fill this sweet hole of yours, even after you left me."

My body is shoved upward at the impact when he delivers a deliberate yet hard thrust. "I didn't." I whimper, loving the pain he is giving me.

He scoffs beside me, mocking me. "Really?"

"Yes." My hands claw on the bedsheets, and a high-pitched moan leaves my lips as soon as his tip hits the spot.

"Good." He presses a wet, open-mouthed kiss on my cheek before cooing. "Because you belong to me. Your body belongs to me." He thrusts, hitting the spot that has me curling my toes. "This sweet cunt belongs to me."

"Yes." I nod my head, lost in the ecstasy. I roll my eyes back as soon as I feel the climax approaching, but he abruptly pulls out, making me cry out. "No!"

"No?" He turns me around, my back on the mattress. A smirk touches his lips as he looks down at me, who is in a crying mess. "You'll take only what I give you." I flinch and moan out when the tip of his cock hits my clit, tapping it repeatedly and teasing me.

"Please." I whimper, moving my hips in an attempt to entice him into shoving his cock into my already gaping cunt with the pre-essence leaking.

"Please, what, my slutty princess?" He leans down with a simper smile, his hand brushing the hair from my face before he kisses me sweetly.

"Please fuck me." I whisper against his lips, but he teases me, sliding his cock in between my wet folds tantalisingly slowly. "Please, please, please."

"Yeah? You want to get fucked hard?" He speaks harshly into my parted lips before spitting in my mouth, one of his kinks. I swallow down with a moan.

"Yes." Just as I answer, he shoves his cock back into my awaited hole. This time, he sets the pace slow, taking his time to savour how tight my walls are engulfing him, but hard enough that it hurts so good.

"I'm never going to let you leave again." He grunts, now thrusting with a ferocious vigour that has me rolling my eyes to the back while my back curves into a deep arch. His lips are on my neck as I feel him breathing harshly. "I'm going to fill you up good."

I moan in response, my hands in his hair as I tug at the roots. "Sunghoon!" I scream as soon as I feel the familiar climax, and he doesn't relent, thrusting still until I finally come, my body convulsing.

But he doesn't stop, overstimulating me. "Sunghoon!" I whimper, feeling sensitive. My eyes roll to the back once more when his hand curls around my neck, tightening it firmly as he continues to drill into me with deliberate, precise thrust that has me seeing stars.

"I told you, princess." Thrust! "I'm gonna fill you up so good." Thrust! "So you won't be able to run away from me again."

And so, the room continues to be tainted with our sinful acts, round after round.

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#enhypen #enhypen fanfic #enhypen poly #enhypen reverse harem

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