#and helping me when i got stuff wrong

[bmpmp3]

when people complain about getting like, a 98% grade on something because it was "so close to perfect" its like. i understand what you're saying on a technical level. but that is a line of thought so far away from my experiences and ways of thinking that i do feel like im from another planet. 100% isnt even a real number to me

#i kinda understand when its something like a multiple choice test or something where there is an objective answer #it might feel like u got so close but just missed one #again still a bit alien to me because my scholarly performance is mysterious and anything over 70 is great to me #but i mean ive had a 98 before once in a math test. i did get exactly 1 bit of 1 question wrong #but i didnt really care that it was one off from perfect i was too busy being happy because that was the highest mark id ever received #and the previous math test i had taken got a 53% . grade 11 was a wild time for me in math class GHJKSHFKds #anyway i kinda see where ur coming from with stuff with right or wrong answers like that #but i sometimes get friends in class complain that they got a 95 or something on an art assignment #because they think they got docked 5 points for one or two little things #but i dunno. thats not really how fine arts departments in university tend to grade things #you dont start at 100 and get docked marks for things you got wrong. i dont think ive ever seen a 100% on something like that #tbh the numbers are a little arbitrary i find. i do prefer to try to get em higher because that helps with grants and stuff #but the numbers dont mean all that much in fine arts or in art history (my two majors) a 75 and a 95 can function the same depending on lik #weighting and context and feedback and whatever. i dunno its a wild world out there #it might just be the perspective of someone who did really goodbad in school. (GoodBad (tm) its when ur good but also kinda bad at school!) #compared to someone who got a lot of perfects in mandatory schooling. i sympathise i really do that kind of pressure sounds insane #but while i sympathize i cant really empathize as much unfortunately with this specifically orz its a world very far outside my purview! #100%s arent real to me so they never cross my mind to be worried about LOL

[puppyeared]

footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia

#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain #way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right #but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion #this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me #how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk #I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it #but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid #theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some #universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice #source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING #THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific #than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍 #nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I #really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk #the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will #understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿 #Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best #but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment #im rambling the short version is I have adhd #yapping

[isfjmel-phleg]

🌋

#random personal stuff #got told an account of some behavior of a fifteen-year-old cousin that my grandmother objected to #sounds to me like they were both at fault and my grandmother was being ridiculously petty about some hurt pride #and that reopened some feelings from the most of a year we spent with my grandparents when I was sixteen #the patterns are still there #there'll be a designated Always Bad child #and if you're a teenager you're automatically bad and wrong and couldn't possibly ever have a point or emotions worth empathizing with #my cousin may have some issues that need to be addressed #but repeating words of hers you didn't like back to her in spite isn't going to help #any more than treating every mistake of mine like malicious criminality helped me #...I am just very tired #I want to rescue my cousins from this #I want to rescue sixteen-year-old Rebekah #and I wish we as a society were more conscious of how we treat young people and what kind of example we set

[thompsborn]

i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.

#situations keep happening and i am TIRED #had to restrain a kid at work today which was AWFUL but he was trying to run into the road so i literally had to #almost cried bc of it but got the situation under control #but then when on my way to meet w coworkers to carpool to a meeting #my tire popped #super fun times super awesome super great #i mean my mom helped and we got it all fixed and handled #but basically from noon to like 6pm my mom and i were dealing w it bc everything had to be COMPLICATED #so i only just got home like 45 mins ago ish and i am SO tired holy fuck #but im eating left over orange chicken and then gonna shower and then just gonna be lazy and read and maybe write #if i have the brain power i will work on hb chp17 #but i also have a 4 hour training for work tomorrow so yeehaw #its 12:30-4:30 which isnt that bad but still #im also going to my dads afterwards to stay the night and visit him and my siblings #which is a good thing dont get me wrong i love visiting them #it just means i wont have a lot of freetime this weekend to work on writing and cleaning and stuff #not the end of the world and definitely worth it to see my dad and my baby siblings #but i wish it was a 3 day weekend so i could also have a day to just stay home and do things that i havent had the time to do yk #oh well. tis life. adulthood. having to handle situations and finding the best out of shitty circumstances. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[hella1975]

something specifically shitty about IN THE MOMENT as the conversation is happening knowing you're in the wrong and you're being a cunt and continuing to do it anyway

#like yeah im being a bitch. im lashing out because of an insecurity. i dont know how else to be though #hiiii im dadposting again <3 i feel bad bc YES i have so so much bitterness towards my dad #but he is genuinely a nice man. like i had this thought the other night that he is such a good kind soft man. he just isn't a good father #and the tragedy is he COULD HAVE BEEN if he'd just SHOWED UP but he DIDNT and that's that im twenty childhood's gone #we're never getting those years back my brain has developed without a need for him and now im angry. whatever #but he's still good. he's still kind. so he'll do stuff to try help me and i just am so horrid about it #and i FEEL myself doing it i literally have a voice in my head going 'i know you've interpreted this as him condescending you #but you know that isn't the case so stop lashing out' and i literally CANT because id rather be angry than insecure #bc it all goes back to pride and shame with me EVERYTHING always does #like im so convinced my dad thinks im stupid and useless and can't do anything myself at my big age etc #which is why im SO hard on myself when shit goes wrong like not just bc of my dad like i have a general fleabagesque position in my family #of being the trainwreck one that fucks up all the time so when shit goes wrong (like my rent or my walls) it hits me 10x harder #than it logically should bc i can just FEEL my dad and sister going 'yeah well that's hella for you' #and my dad got the autistic ticky boxy numbers brain neurodivergence and i got the adhd scatterbrained neurodivergence #so for admin stuff he tries to PARENT me bc he's my DAD but i just completely reject it even though i KNOW he's not being mean #like he literally just said to me in his nervous as fuck voice bc he doesn't know how to talk to us #'remember to sort phone chargers out because the sockets are different in america' that's it. that's all he said. just looking out for me #tell me why i BARKED OUT 'i KNOW dad it's MY TRIP stop hounding me about things ive got it sorted' #in the SHITTIEST tone you ever heard. ugh i cant even be too angry at myself bc he has blame here too but it's a shitty feeling #to know i always have that propensity for cruelty even now. idk. im just thinking thoughts idkkkk hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii #hella goes home

[high-voltage-rat]

Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.

The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.

Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.

Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.

Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.

#not video games #late nights with ali #nd blogging #actuallyADHD #I'm pretty sure my docs were intending for a bit more... how you say... stability? #but a lot of my ADHD traits don't go away. just the most important one- activation-based executive dysfunction #And honestly without that I think I like the way I function with the rest? usually anyway #If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous #don't get me wrong. there are days where I do hate my adhd. when the emotional regulation problems kick in it's hell. #rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch. I can forget self care in lieu of 'more important' things. my working memory can fuck me over. #but in comparison to how I lived before medication? it's amazing. and I've learned to be fond of aspects of my disorder #and to live with the ones that are inconvenient. it's so nice honestly #I could do without the sweating and appetite suppression. but it is SO worth it to like my own mind again. #before I was diagnosed I knew I had it. so my only options were self medicating with caffiene and developing an anxiety disorder. #the thing that bypasses the dopamine-based activation is adrenaline-based activation #so I literally just. got so anxious about stuff I needed to do that it would trigger the adrenaline activation where dopamine failed me #I don't think I actually 100% KNEW that's what I was doing per se. but I do think some of my anxiety came from intentional doom spiralling #anyway moral of the story. Vyvanse helps with ADHD is some truly strange ways but at the end of the day it's a fucking miracle #New River Pharmaceuticals developers of lisdexamfetamine I am kissing you on the mouth

[arionawrites]

1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!

2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr

3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!

overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!

#aritalks #i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use #not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before #and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk #but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day! #the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow #also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years #(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years #and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk) #was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!! #i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight #so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday #my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work #my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all #over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins) #but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered #(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting #when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so #just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my #mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19) #so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her #and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too #i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure #out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still #dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not #the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one #if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it #but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help #and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks #just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️

[findstenicht]

.

#hate hate hate when you have to mail someone important documents if they dont send you any confirmation that they received them #like. i even wrote in the email that i wasnt sure which email address they wanted me to send stuff to #and im *pretty sure* that they checked that account and likely got my docs but. what if they didnt #also my anxiety levels are skyrocketing as is #i have to do so much stuff for work rn #plus this project im working on is. a trainwreck not gonna lie and my project partner is *not* helping #also my health insurance situation is still kinda weird #also the bone marrow donation agency (?) wants me to preemptively fill out some form about my health status and idk how to communicate that #im fine on paper but theres most likely something wrong #also my grandma passed away on saturday. yeah. thats also something that happened #right. sorry. once again i cant find my physical journal so. oversharing on tumblr dot com it is i guess

[loving-jack-kelly]

yesterday sucked so bad it was the longest day ever I cried at work and I slept like a rock bc I was so exhausted and then today I woke up and it was literally like. the sun is shining the birds are chirping it feels like fall I made birthday plans with my best friend for march that I'm so excited for the thing that was stressing me out so bad yesterday at work is fixed and over with and everybody is telling me I did well with it even though it felt like I did not in the moment AND I my adoption application was accepted at one of the shelters I applied to so I got invited to their adoption event to meet their dogs tomorrow AND I'm seeing hozier in a week and two days and that does not feel real but also it actually hit for properly for the first time today :) how the tables have turned oh and ALSO I'm watching a horror movie with emma tonight and last night I think it would have killed me bc I was so tired and empty by the time I got home but today I am Hyped for it

#i'm good at my job and usually the stuff I'm doing doesn't get to me but yesterday TWO solutions to the problem I've been dealing w all week #didn't end up being solutions at all bc first year college students suck so bad. and by the time the second one didn't go through #we'd told the student affected that it HAD so we had to walk it back #and i'm on call 24/7 this week so I was so so tired yesterday #and i just wanted to make fix this poor girl's problem and to have to tell her I'd been wrong when I told her it had been fixed....idk #it got to me and i cried which at least finally convinced my supervisor that what id been saying from the beginning was the correct move #and then i fell asleep pretty early and overslept on purpose bc fuck being in the office I needed to recover #and then i helped move a minifridge with a microwave attached to the top up and down four flights of stairs #bc this campus is possibly the least ada compliant space I have Ever been in in my life #and there are NO elevators in any residential buildings except the one that used to be a hotel down the street #anyway. life update ig <3 things are genuinely so so good rn yesterday was Simply a bad day. happens sometimes. glad it's over :) #real life stuff #i should have a tag for that so I can go through once in a while and see what was up when :)

[slippery-minghus]

hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.

and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.

i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.

where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).

but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?

#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady #but i don't ACT on it #and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human. #and at work we're stuck together #the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness #that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever. #bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't #i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention #i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you #you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it #it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments #to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy #and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you #that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit #like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to #modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind #and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill #3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO. #i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen #and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way #and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her! #'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!! #and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused?? #like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ? #personal #*exhales* okay i feel better now #i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!! #but until i process it i can't let go #and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow #it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!

[basslinegrave]

have to send 2 packages today and pick one up and then i wanna draw... the sooner i get that done the better but i have to wait a while now before i can go. but im also getting a headache oughhhh whys the weather like it is

#i was getting rly into the painting yesterday #and i cant wait to finish it #but i was doing it as like. cooldown after workin on the animatic cause that is just merging togethet for me #every frame looks the same and im getting the proportions all wrong so i had to do something else or else id explode #i got like 31 pages done and i counted 45 before but theres def not just 45 #now i have like 4 similar ones then 3 from a wider pov then at least 4 variants of one panel and then at least 3 more for part2 of that #and thats not even all theres a 3 frame part over some music and thats already over 45 and i havent even sketched out the actual final part #should have done it before this because now im just leaving it for the last but i dont know what to go for there. just gonna wing it #i could tie it to the previous chorus frames and make it similar or i could play with the variations from a couple lines back or work with #the 3 frame part which is gonna be in a different setting and stuff. nobody knows what im talking about and thats ok #i havent even listened to the song much now and i already had enough so when im gonna be editing it i will try to go strictly by timestamps #then have a couple final listens and then never touch it ever again #some frames i really like but the ones that are over the chorus i really dislike cause theyre closeups but not close enough like i wanted #hard to work with such simple characters on a bigger scale because theres no detail #also why i went with painting them. just under though i couldnt handle coloring over the lines even though it would help it greatly #whats blud waffling about #also ig its more of a storyboard animation but i just dont wanna call it either. i think animatic is an extremely broad term now #theres ones that are legit just storyboards and then theres ones that i wouldnt dare call animatic #like calling mona lisa a sketch. especially when its mostly animated #i cant do all that. mines gonna be just a powerpoint presentation #but its also not like a storyboard cause im fully painting the frames lol

[pondscummy]

so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao

the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.

anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat

#pond.txt #anyway anywho. this one has been bugging me forever #i just don't meet the criteria anymore i don't want to pretend to have something if i clearly don't. that feels weird and fucked up #and EVEN IF IM WRONG 1. not their place to decide and 2. it's literally not a disability if it's not causing me struggles #i befriend people easily. i don't feel anxious doing daily things. I've been doing great in my career which is Literally an influencr #*influence based role where my job is to help bridge gaps between departments and find compromises and deliver presentations and sometimes #argue w people in a way that doesn't cause conflict like my role is So social. it's all working w people smoothly and effectively and i've #gotten 2 raises and a promotion since october and I'm being considered for another promotion and my boss wants me to try for a raise again #next year like. i'm well-known and well-liked and that's not to say that's not possible for people on the spectrum bc everyone is different #but when i personally got diagnosed it was on the basis that this sort of stuff was unfathomable lmao. i couldn't make phone calls or hold a #conversation or project any sort of confidence at all like. the things i received my dx for no longer exist #idk he makes me feel like I'm genuinely out of my mind for thinking i could POSSIBLY have been mis-dxed

[healingheartdogs]

I love being in America where I have to decide if the pain of something clearly going wrong inside my body is urgent enough to risk getting COVID at an ER from sick people and doctors who are no longer masking and having to deal with a grossly inflated medical bill that I already know I can't pay because I have no insurance or income currently.

#digestive stuff again #had me passing out from pain earlier this morning on the bathroom floor cuz that shit was at a 9 #and i almost gave in and told Selene to take me but it got a bit better after a bit so i didn't #and ive been sitting at like 5-8 range since then but smoking and laying down on my stomach or side helps take it down to 2-4 range #i was nauseous as fuck earlier too and that shit had me in a cold sweat when it got bad #my current guesses as to what is wrong are... idk diverticulitis maybe #and i don't know what to do about that if it is because I CAN'T AFFORD MEDICAL TREATMENT #LAND OF THE FREE #free to die in poverty #the pain is like around where im used to experiencing period pain #low low abdominal area but also is radiating around my sides and to my back #but unlike period pain it is not going away and it comes back with a vengeance anytime i need to use the bathroom #which is making me not want to eat or drink tbh #ndr #not dog related

[pepprs]

mutuals i got myself into a situation so sticky i don’t even know how to describe it (edit: *describes it* lol). please send thoughts of successful escape my way lol

#purrs #delete later #i SONT understand anything about retirement or insurance whatever and basically imightve signed a contract for smth i didn’t understand #fully and im so scared lol. and i feel so bad bc im stupid and i don’t understand anything and no matter how much peopel #xolain it to me i don’t understand it. i feel like a stupid silly naive little girl rn LOLLLLL i feel so sick #it’s probably fine and not that bad and i didn’t do the wrong step but im freaking out. not just bc of the money situation but also bc they #have to do a. medical exam on me to see how much i would have to pay or whatever 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 wtf #im making it sound like a big bad scary freak thing isigned up for when really it’s not i don’t thin&. it’s just dividend lige insirance but #i don’t understand what any of it means and apparently other stuff is better. idk anything about retirement i only got into this stupid #situation because i had a mandatory retirement selection for work and ididnt understand anything so i scheduled a meeting with a retirement #counselor person to help me figure out which option would be the best for me and he was really nice and helped me a lot but then he started #saying he could help me w additional retirement stuff if i wanted to see what the options were and i was like sure and then he told me abt t #this thing and had me fill out / sign the application in that same meeting to ‘get the process started bc it takes. a long time’ even if i d #decided to pull out later it would be a good thing to get the ball rolling asap if i did end up wanting to do it. but i didn’t understand an #anythi ng and i went along with it anyway and now i might’ve fucked myself over so bad. except i probably didn’t but i feel so bad. bc he wa #was so nice and genuine but maybe he was just trying to sell me a product bc he gets a commission from the insurance company which i he told #me wheni asked him if im getting his help for free. i feel so stupid and guilty omg #and also i signed up for my first credit card but the interest rates are really high which i didn’t realize. and i can’t log into the bank a #account for some reason liek it says my acc doesn’t work. and hr fucked up my pay so i haven’t gotten a time sheet for like 2 pay periods an #and im getting retroactively paid in august but it’s just one more fucking thing and i haven’t gotten the chance to pick new benefits yet #and idk if i can / will bc of my stupid pay situation like i literaly don’t exist in the system rn apparently. i fucking hate all of this i #hate adulting i hate it i hate it i want to explode and hide forever and cry a lot. and my bank account isn’t even my own rn and i don’t und #understand anything about mony or insurance or benefits or credit cards or anything. im so overwhelmed FUCK

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

:')

#apparently I started believing in ghost as a trauma response #bc when i cried for help to adults about hearing stuff all i got told was that i have a very vivid imagination #also i started having second thoughts way too early #I LOVE THERAPY #i just ask her what's wrong with me and she just tells me #and that's all for what i actually remember #we haven't yet gotten into repressed memories and all the years i spent dissociating my ass off #also being told that my childhood was traumatic felt so good #I'm not crazy :') #it really was bad #also i was correct when i assumed that i practically raised myself #I'm finally getting justice

[jrueships]

paul george for bingo 🙏

i highlight what applies to him in the bingo since i included options (i looove options, i looove immense detail idk why it just helps me remember more than little detail like just remembering the name) SO HERE IS THE RESULTS LOL!

#SIX BINGOS???? #he missed one whole one but got the parts or a lot of other stuff so do the bingos rlly count then?? #idk idc i think this just shows how much it makes sense for him #to be one of my first big favs along with brad beal #this is sooo fun TY FOR SAY PAUL #the fake smile thing had me debating for a bit #bcs hes VERYYY brutally honest when he thinks hes right or at least when he thinks ure in the wrong #like the jaren simpery to dillon incident LMFAO #but i think theres also times where hes like :] for like. his own ego #like hmmm yes. i recognize some of these words :]. #<- interviewing a fetus that was freshly birthed #from the womb #AND HE IS LOYAL but i wouldnt call him guard dog like #he Tries . i mean #hes no steven adams but he at least has more vocabulary than him after the arguments #can he help during them? #..... #...he tries #and thats what counts #TY I LOVE MY COMPUTER JOCK HE IS SO CRINGE #also his thumbnail photos... yea i think my fake smile/fakeness in general makes some sense #but i dont like them TOO fake like. i like feeling a vague sense of im about to snap and do something stupid soon #i need to do a chart of which zodiacs my favs have the most to see if i have a fav type lol #ANYWAYS TY I LOVE PAUL I ALWAYS WILL. MY ZOOTOPIA FOX SHAPED MAN #i HATE him #i love him 😭 #I MISS HIM #scared for the clippers plans next seasonm. #ted tumbunity things #pg13 years old