#and how all my friends are also stressed so i don't even feel like i can talk to them about it

[myojinn-boo]

Kewpie Mayo - Toge Inumaki

Kewpie Mayo ... Oneshot fanfic Inumaki Toge (JJK) x reader Tags: fluffy fluff, friends to lovers, JJK au Summary: Toge has so much he wants to say, but his sushi ingredients can only do so much. So you help him expand his vocabulary. a/n: My first ever fic! Got this little idea with Toge and I wanted to flesh it out. Feedback would be appreciated <3

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ You were incredibly optimistic before entering Jujutsu Tech. You envisioned yourself going out on daring missions, doing crazy things with your fellow sorcerer friends, learning powerful moves, and so on. You romanticized the hell out of it even before you sat in your first lecture. But reality often disappoints. The missions were dangerous, sure, but you were naive to think they would send you out to fight a special grade like it would be a walk in the park for you. And sure, you go out with the other first years, but you never felt like you fit in. Yuji and Nobara had this chaotic dynamic going on and you could never seem to keep up with. Megumi... well... he just makes you feel like you're a bother, so you'd rather not hang out with him one-on-one. But, at the very least, there was this second year student at Jujutsu Tech that you got along with quite well.

You thought it was weird at first—how he couldn't speak like the rest of you. Maki explained it all to you when you decided to hang out with the second years while they trained together. She told you how he was from a well-known clan with a signature cursed technique. And as you watched him spar with the talking panda (which you also thought was weird), one thing plagued your mind. It must be tough not being able to express yourself normally. You don't know if it was just a natural thing or if you actually felt pity for the guy, but you went up to him. A part of you was also hoping that maybe you'd find 'that' friend in him—the one that isn't too overwhelming and the one that doesn't make you feel like a pain in the ass. "Toge?" You called out to him from behind as he drank from his water bottle. It was a hot day and his sparring session with Panda was intense. You could see the sweat trickle down his temples when he turned to look at you. "Kelp?" So it was true that he speaks in sushi ingredients. You didn't think Maki would make such a strange and elaborate lie about it anyway. You introduced yourself to him with the pretense of wanting to get to know your seniors better.

On that same day, you learned all of the sushi ingredients he used in his daily conversations. And the more you spent your time with him, you could even distinguish the nuances in his tone—the rise and fall of his pitch, how he stresses certain letters, and so on. Sometimes, all you had to do was look at his facial expression and you'd know what he was trying to tell you. Of course, a few days after you introduced yourself to him, you managed to snag his number. Anyone who asked for Toge's number never seemed suspicious at all. No one thinks that asking for his number had any romantic context. Everyone just asked for it so they could talk to him without deciphering his ridiculous language. But once you got that number, oh boy. You two never went a day without talking. When he could freely express himself without the restrictions of his cursed technique, your view of him slowly changed. You realized he had a sense of humor. Truthfully, it was as braindead as it could get, but you couldn't deny laughing at 2 AM at his antics. Toge was a bit of a crackhead as well. He'd say the most out of pocket things as if it was the most normal thing in the world. You picked up on this habit too, and part of him feels proud that he was the one who corrupted you like that. Then one night, after sending your 'good nights' to each other, you had this thought. It was a relentless thought that refused to get out of your head. You wanted to hear Toge speak all the words he'd tell you through your phone screen. But you knew it was impossible. You've heard his voice briefly whenever he'd activate his cursed technique... and you've also heard how he'd violently cough out blood after using a particularly powerful move. Then he'd say that it was no big deal—through text, of course. You only put yourself to sleep when you convinced your stupid brain that forcing Toge to speak and hurt himself wasn't worth it. You hated to see him hurt. After that thought, a whole bunch of other things swarmed your brain—and they were all about your white-haired purple-eyed friend. You were falling for him and you were falling hard. In fact, those same thoughts were running through your head right now and— "Tuna mayo." Right, you were sitting beside him right now—cooling off after training. You have no business to be thinking about such things right now, especially since he's just a couple of inches away. You've also gotten into a habit of just texting each other even though you're face-to-face. He started typing on his phone while your gaze was still on him. Your phone dinged a specific tone. Actually, you had set a special tone for Toge's texts. He didn't let you hear the end of it once he figured it out. He made sure to let everyone know that you liked him. He was right. You liked him very much. But you'd never admit that. You kept the tone the same despite his teasing just so he wouldn't get the satisfaction of watching you get flustered. But deep down, you were dying. You whipped your phone out and saw that he had texted. Toge: Spacing out? Did Panda knock your head a little too hard? You're drooling a bit actually. You: No. I was just thinking. ALSO, my mouth is very dry thank you very much.

Toge: Oh fr? Lemme see how dry it is. Imma check with my mouth too ofc 🫦🥵 You felt all the butterflies on earth suddenly flutter in your stomach. This wasn't new. As your friendship went on—it wasn't unusual for him to pull something silly like this. He thinks it's all fun and games, but his words had you thinking otherwise. But again, you'll never admit you like him. You: Sometimes I'm glad you can only speak sushi ingredients. You stare at the chat bubbles appearing and disappearing on the screen. Then it disappears for quite a while which prompts you to look up at him. There was a slight frown. You'd let off pretty hurtful jabs at each other before, but maybe this one just hit a chord. "Hey... you know I didn't mean that, right?" Your expression softened as you studied his features. "I mean, honestly, I always wished you could speak normally... I love talking to you." You immediately shut yourself up. It's okay. It's okay. You just said that in a friendly way, you thought. It doesn't necessarily mean you LOVED him. You could never say that to him. "Salmon roe?" His face perked up at your admission. You nodded at him. "At some point I even thought about telling you to just make a language with me, you know? I mean, you'd still be speaking in ingredients, but at least you get more out of it." He listens intently before tapping away at his phone again. Toge: That's actually a wonderful idea coming from a dumbo like you. You chuckled and playfully punched his shoulder at the nickname he used for you. He laughed softly back at you and you couldn't help but smile at this little moment you had going on. God, you loved him, but you couldn't tell him that. "Hmm, so what's our word for today? There are still so many sushi ingredients out there that are still unused." Toge nodded enthusiastically. He sent messages as you spoke to him in real time. Toge: Sooo... what's your favorite sushi ingredient? "Rice," you replied without a second thought which earned a sigh from Toge. He sounded disappointed almost.

Toge: That's so basic.

Toge: Putting rice as 'basic bitch' in Toge's dicktionary. You furrowed your brows at him. "And when would this word be useful to you? I don't see you using it frequently." And by true Toge fashion, he flashes that shit-eating grin at you. "Rice." It felt weird hearing him say a different ingredient. Despite what the word meant to the both of you—you just smiled at him. "Okay, then what isn't a basic choice?" Toge: Just think outside of the box for once. You looked off into the distance, thinking hard. Then you got an idea. "Remember the sushi I made you last week? The ones with Kewpie mayo swirls on it?" Toge's face seemed to soften for a moment once you brought that up. He was down in the dumps last week after a losing streak on Fortnite. You thought it was stupid to get all gloomy over a game with flying buses and shit. But you tried your best to cheer him up. So you made him the only thing you knew how to make—sushi, as ironic as it is. You made this batch of sushi with extra love and care. Of course, your signature mayo swirls were on it too. You delivered it to his room and watched him chow down like a caveman. It warmed your heart seeing him enjoy something you made. You craved this feeling. But you'd never voice it out. "How about we add Kewpie to your vocabulary then? Or is it too basic for your taste, sir?" Toge chuckles softly again and then he goes silent. He looks down at his lap with the smallest smile on his face. "Hey, what's wrong with yo—" "Kewpie." You were taken aback. He was acting strange all of a sudden. "So, what does 'Kewpie' mean then?" Toge looked down at his phone and you stared at yours as well. The chat bubbles appeared, disappeared, appeared, disappeared for a long time... and so on. You were getting nervous.

Then, finally, the message arrived. Toge: I love you. Your eyes widened. You had to read it three—no, ten times to actually believe that those were the 8 letters showing up on your screen. And while you were stuck in your little bubble of shock, he sent another message. Toge: I know, I know, pretty cool way to rizz you up huh? He was so fricking silly, even now. How funny is it that the man who literally couldn't utter normal words would be the first to say this. You were perfectly fine saying anything that you wanted, yet you refused to. You refused to tell him you loved him... but maybe now wouldn't be so bad. "I Kewpie you too," you say before bursting out into a wide grin. Toge couldn't help but laugh a bit. He found your happiness way too endearing. So endearing, in fact, that his lips made its way to yours. He gave you a short and sweet peck. You were in absolute awe, but that didn't stop you from leaning in and giving him a quick kiss of your own. Your antics made the both of you laugh. Your racing thoughts about him were finally quelled. In the end, all you needed was to just tell him—tell him that you loved him so much it hurt. You would've, But Toge is Toge... Toge: By the way, 'I Kewpie you too' is grammatically wrong, loser. But it's okay. You're my loser <3 . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ end

Likes and reposts are appreciated :))

myojin-boo 2024

#jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk x you #inumaki x reader #inumaki x you #inumaki toge #jjk inumaki #myoji writes #jujutsu kaisen

[bas-writes]

a lot has happened lately, but so far i haven't made any official statement about my decisions and the path i want to take as a writer. it was a long road of trial and error & detailed examination of conscience in regard of my bad habits, gained experience, and goals and expectations. there are some massive changes that i need to address, followed by explanation of my decisions. i know i don't need to explain myself but i feel it's only fair to my loyal readers to share at least little insight into the context.

I. One Piece goes on indefinite vacation...

not going to lie, i was falling out of this fandom for years. it's started in 2021 when i fell victim to bullying and stalking, initiated by a widely-known (and still active, as far as i am aware of) x reader writer. it's the biggest reason for my slow withdrawal but not a sole one: pressing discourse around my comfort characters, toxic environment i fell into when looking for a relief from relentless bullying, forcing myself to write for topics and characters i didn't even like, readers overstepping my boundaries over and over again, falling into a trap of purity culture...oh, the list is long. way too long.

i still love one piece but i don't want to create for it en-masse anymore. right now it's just a wound that's far from healing, i need to treat it at my own pace. aside from an occasional poke at sapphic topics and my fav trio, i doubt it will appear in other way than commissions or gifts for friends. and some characters (kid, sanji, marco, katakuri, shanks & a few more) will never return.

II. ...but new fandoms arrive!

jujutsu kaisen is right now the main love of my life & will remain as the main fandom for long. but i found more series and characters i adore enough to feel that creative spark buzzing in my veins. soon you should see fics appearing for: demon slayer, chainsaw man, haikyuu and hell's paradise!

i'm keeping my head low rn when it comes to requests but i want to hold at least a kinktober open for them so you definitely will have an opportunity to see your faves from those series from me!

III. It's a gender neutral & afab Y/N sphere now!

it's something that was inevitably floating over me and my fics (and some of y'all definitely caught the whiff of it already), but i couldn't quite find courage to put a hard limit. we all know how it is in the y/n circles: way too many people expect from writers to cater to everyone, and treat it as a personal offense if you prefer to play in your own sandbox. as if writing y/ns was "activism", not a fandom activity like any other.

so, i won't force myself to write against myself anymore. i feel the most happy and comfortable when i make my y/ns gender neutral and when i'm giving them vaginas (and sometimes boobs) when i'm writing smut with them. i don't want to battle my weirdly-veiled dysphoria to force female reader out of myself. i don't want to stress myself while writing amab y/n, from the sheer biological fact of being unable to relate via lack of penis, to being sick and tired of the toxicity and misogyny that m!reader circles reek of.

so, gender neutral and afab it is. sometimes i will stray towards afab nonbinary or transmasc direction, if i feel like i need some good gender vibes coming from my fics.

it doesn't mean i will never write different y/ns. commissions, gifts for friends, exchanges, random ideas for a plot that requires a specific kind of y/n, sapphics feels, and such will appear here and there. i will also interact lots with f!reader fics, since it's what i see lots around & don't mind reading, if i feel more fem or if it's from a writer i like and trust.

incoming ino x reader (that i hope to publish tomorrow) will be the last non-sapphic f!reader that will appear for a long while. all requests i'm keeping in my drafts right now will be turned into completely gender neutral or from fem to more general afab reader (i don't have any requests for amab readers rn anyway). unless you really don't want to have f!reader taken out of your request - then please, let me know, i will delete it so you can head with it to a different writer.

IV. Never miss a fic again - sign for a tag list!

and now a little treat! if you don't want to miss a fic about the topic that might interest you, you may sign for a tag list by filling a simple form!

V. And what am I going to do now?

write, write, and write even more! i wanna write the in the heat of spring drabbles before the spring is gone, have three fully-fledged multichapter fics outlined and itching to be written and posted, and an interactive event with which we will welcome the summer 💦

in june i want to publish a few sapphic fics that i had in mind for a while now & later towards the second half of summer (think august-september) i'll smile at you again with a kinktober i really want to complete this year!

there might be a few smaller events on the way, depending on how busy i'll be. there's an idea for dilf enjoyers and for a chubby y/n, as well as many others that still didn't take a clear shape.

i also didn't forget about the kiss event and nonsexual acts of intimacy for the fluff enjoyers!

if you survived this wall of text (or just scrolled down here lol understandable) - thank you for your patience, understanding, and support. whether you're here with me since the very beginning or clicked the follow recently, i'm happy to have you here ❤ if you have any questions or just want to talk, my askbox is open for any kind of interaction! and if you want to support a poor writer who has way too many health-related spendings lately, you can buy me a ko-fi ❤

#bas speaks

[hereforthe911buds]

so let's say at the wedding, Buck decides to come out to his parents before Tommy arrives. But before Tommy can get there, an emergency occurs that he can't leave. So he's later and later and later, until it's more halfway through the reception and Buck already feels like shit due to the hangover.

he sits at a table with his parents, Eddie within ear shot two tables behind them with Marisol. she goes to the bathroom, but Buck's parents are becoming more and more dismissive, to the point the comments are borderline homophobic/biphobic. Eddie can see Buck's stress level building before his eyes.

The one of his parents says "at least you're little thing doesn't have to take away from your sister's wedding." the hurt all over Buck's face, his parents disparaging what is him coming out. Eddie stands up and immediately walks towards Buck.

"Hey," Eddie reaches his hand out, "do you wanna dance?"

"w-what?" Buck studders, but Eddie doesn't wait for a response. He grabs Buck's hand and pulls him to his feet. His parents are shocked, but Eddie is guiding Buck to the dance floor. Honestly Buck feels a little relief that he doesn't have to sit with his parents any longer.

"I'm leading," Eddie orders as he places his hands on Buck's body.

"what are you doing?" Buck questions, but there is a giddyness in his voice.

"dancing with my friend," Eddie answers nonchalantly.

"you don't have to do this," Buck comments, though he doesn't know why he's so happy Eddie did.

"any excuse to give some parents the middle finger," Eddie shrugs off. Buck looks over Eddie's shoulder to his parents glaring, as if he is taking away from his sister's day. but no one else seems to care besides them. He looks back at Eddie.

"well thank you," Buck sighs, "What a mess of a day. I'm almost relieved Tommy didn't make it, not see me looking like I slept in a bathtub last night."

"what are you talking about? you really rallied. he'd find you handsome as hell," Eddie gleams, then suddenly feeling this tightness in his chest, as if he just realized he's dancing with a guy in front of everyone. and not just any guy. Buck, his best friend who he has a connection with like he hasn't with anyone before.

and now he's publicly dancing with him, and he didn't even think about it. Buck looked like he needed help, and also deserved at least one dance with how good he looked tonight.

oh god.

"and you look-" buck starts, but then stops himself because 1) he may have been about to call his best friend beautiful 2) Marisol is standing by her and eddie's table staring them down.

"uh your girlfriend does not look happy," Buck comments, causing Eddie's head to turn. the second they make eye contact, she hightails out of the reception hall.

"wait!" Eddie yelps as he chases after her. he feels bad leaving Buck there, but his girlfriend is obviously mad. But it's not like he was dancing with a girl, he was just offering some support by slow dancing with his guy best friend.

it is sounding gayer and gayer the more Eddie thinks about it. he's not far behind her but as she stomps through the entrance way, Eddie sees Tommy heading in the opposite direction.

"Hey Eddie!" Tommy starts, but then see Marisol storm past him with Eddie trailing behind, "uh, bye Eddie." wanting to avoid whatever confrontation is happening, he continues into the hall.

as Eddie steps out the building, he looks over his shoulder to see Buck embracing Tommy, looking so elated that he finally appeared.

and Eddie doesn't know why but he feels like he got punched in the gut.

"Marisol!" he calls out.

"I want to go home," she commands.

"yes, let's go home and talk-"

"no, I want to go to my home," she cuts him off, "my car is at yours. either drive me there or I'm taking an Uber to get it."

"it was just Buck," Eddie tries to distract.

"no, it was only Buck," Marisol points out, "we barely even danced, and then you-"

"Eddie, you're in love with your best friend," Marisol states firmly, "I don't care how he feels for you, but I don't want a boyfriend who obviously likes someone else more than me."

"So are you taking me home or not?"

and there goes the longest car ride of Eddie Diaz's life.

#buddie #i think i just wrote a fan fiction? nice #911 #911 abc #fan fic #fan fiction #fan fic writing #tw homophobia

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[suddencolds]

~

#not snz #more musings 📝 / mini vent: #not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent #i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings #i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out #over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like #a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to #which is strange?? #(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you) #i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend) #i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life #i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track?? #:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again #i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D: #i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs #i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take #i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning #like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling #i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other #but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more #there are so many people i refuse to let down

[coquelicoq]

just got a biopsy to see if my [checks notes] 15-week period is because of cancer. however then my friends drove me to get chocolate and the new martha wells novel so, you know, there are pros and cons here.

#the epic highs and lows of having a uterus #highs: people buy you chocolate!! #lows: all the other stuff :( #anyway i am. a lil stressed out lol #also pretty lightheaded! i'm not really even sure why because ok so yeah i was already anemic from the 15 weeks of bleeding #plus i was anemic before that also #plus there was a lot of blood during the biopsy. but i feel like that blood was just the stuff in my uterus that'd be coming out anyway #as opposed to new blood from within my veins or something #and i'm still sick lolllll #so it's a fun time. BUT! martha wells novel! and i lent all systems red to a friend who will hopefully become obsessed with murderbot #and talk to me about it constantly! (<-my endgame at all times) #it's so funny every time i've been to the doctor they're like 'date of your last period?' and i'm like april 9th. and it is ongoing. #and then we just 😬 at each other #anyway cross your fingers for me. apparently if the biopsy comes back negative they don't have other ideas for what could be going on #not sure how to feel about that. obviously i don't want to have cancer but it's very stressful not knowing what is going on #do i just bleed forever indefinitely??? i'll be real with you lads that doesn't seem great :/ #she was like next step would be to put in a hormonal iud and i was like that is absolutely not an option that i will consider #i would sooner get a hysterectomy #so idk maybe i will get a hysterectomy! biopsy results in a week. okay. ending the tags now #if anybody wants me to trigger tag for cancer mentions let me know and i can definitely do that going forward <3

[daz4i]

i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better #and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐 #(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think) #but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day #despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔 #+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level #again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know #and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am #other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭 #and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more #(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count) #(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum) #(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use) #(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years) #this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍 #vent #negative // #ask to tag #sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months #(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^) #edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere #i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers #and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too #but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little #i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that

[da-proti-toku-grem]

sorry i needed to vent somewhere and ended up explaining my life 😮‍💨

#why am i like this bro? #my bday is in a few days but i don't feel excited about it #i didn't even feel like doing anyhing especial this year and i was so close to not celebrate it #but my mom and my bestie convinced me because “you're turning 18. isn't that exciting” #and also because “most of your friends will move to other places because of uni so you don't know when/if you'll see all of them again” #the thing is they convinced me to celebrate with my friends and close family #nothing too special but at least is something #and now i had to tell them what i was going to do so i had to create a whatsapp group and all that #and i just spent a whole hour just to think of what words to use so it doesn't sound weird #idek why i thought it would sound weird to invite MY friends to MY bday party but i always overthink everything #besides all of this idk why it gives me so much anxiety to just do this whole “party” thing yk #i guess i just hate being the center of attention and the fact that this is “my” day and everything revolves around me makes me anxious #i've always been a very reserved person but this year i've surpassed myself #like with the whole last year of high school thing and the exams to get into uni got me so stressed #and i've spent all school year (sept-june) without barely going out of my house (i literally only went out to go to class) #and i've spent all year saying: i'll go out when all of this ends in summer #but i was SO exhausted by the end of it that i just wanted to stay at home 24/7 #how did this end? well. i've only hang out with my group of friends once in the whole summer and it was on the july 4th #i've practically been ignoring the whatsapp group so i didn't have to make excuses not to meet up #i'm not proud of admitting that but it's not like i talked too much before so i guess it's not such a big deal #thinking about all of this made me realise that i might have social anxiety after all #i'm not at all surprised tbh but i didn't really know what i felt had a name yk #very random but i'm very happy that i was able to get to know JO and Jere thanks to eurovision cause i feel like they're holding me togethe #idk they just make me inexplicably happy and seeing all their content makes me smile even when i feel like shit #(big thanks to everyone on the fandom here btw ily all <3) #anyway i'll stop now cause this is turning out very long #this didn't get me anywhere but at least i feel a bit better ig #maca speaks

[indigodawns]

.

#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and #i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like.............. #makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday #even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too! #it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure #i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising... #also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk. #also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh #im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now #and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER #also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then) #anyways. #i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them #and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like. #also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk #anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk? #should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so??? #maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever #but i can!! maybe i should #for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends #+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face #FINE maybe therapists have a point

[chqnified]

Love how one of my irl 'friends' thought I'd be devastated that she hadn't even looked at my messages in over 2 weeks and that she had so many messages. Like babes, i have 3 fan accounts, but whatever.

#I didn't say anything. she wanted to see how many unread messages i had and i think that spoke for itself lmao #but like??? i mean tbh i didn't even realise she never responded or looked at them. She's on the list of people i generic reply lol #bless her. she's recently really been trying to embarrass us in some way lately. or attempting to feel superior anyhow #first it was with the grades... i did better than her so she failed at that (not to mention she also cheated but whatever) #then it was the attempt at saying she had sex and kissed someone at a party and she was 'so drunk she couldn't remember ' ... #idk how she thought that was a flex but go off ig #now she's trying to claim she's way more popular and liked than me and that in a way we need her? #like ok. #erin tag #it's comments here and there that really make me think. ok. you're definitely not jealous of us huh? #and don't get me started. she's still trying to twist everything we say into making it seem like we have a crush on her but she doesn't #again go off ig. but we all know the truth. She's the one who follows me around and has to come find me #nobody else will talk to her at break lol #she'd try to make out that i don't have anyone to talk to but her. the difference is. in break i fucking hide from everyone #because they all get on my last nerve atp #I'm just tired?? i have enough issues as is without some immature person trying to jab at me anytime possible #and whilst she doesn't know about our DID. it is perfectly obvious she tries to take advantage of when a little is out #also. despite knowing when we're having an anxiety attack. she'll just purposely leave us and claim we're holding her back from socialising #one time we only agreed to go out with a group of friends bc she said she'd be there if we needed to leave for a break #when time came and we were very stressed and in physical pain too bc haha joints. she made us feel guilty for it? #also she forced us into staying with the group. saying she too had anxiety and leaving the group would make her feel awful. #manipulation at its finest #that's all she seems to be good at. and yk what. i give her the credit of being better at it than us. congrats babes.

[britneyshakespeare]

a couple of girls on the playground today were asking me if i was married, if i was ever going to get married, and one of them said “do you want to be an old cat lady?” and i replied “well i wouldn’t mind it,” completely forgetting that old cat lady is a mocking trope of single women after a certain age, and then she said “don’t you wanna be a bae?” and i was like oh yeah sure. i thought you meant would i like to have cats. yes i would.

#that was very aro of me #to the question 'are you going to get married' i always answer 'if/when i meet someone i want to marry' #ive said it before (in a tag rant im sure) that i do kind of envy the stability/commitment that the institution of marriage has. it's hard #to picture myself getting more and more in my adult years and having only myself to rely on. financially emotionally etc. #i would love to live with someone i love for the rest of my life and even legally marry them. i just dont know how/if that'd ever happen #those kids dont know what aromanticism is and im not in the business of explaining my deeper feelings/conflicts to them. lol #tales from diana #also that girl who said it said it somewhat as a joke and i dont blame her for. you know. making that comment. i know she likes me a lot #she has told me im pretty and she often asks if i have a boyfriend etc. im basically the only one she talks to. shes the grade 5 on thursday #im sure when i tell her im not seeing anyone she doesnt see it as something pathetic but i do make sure to stress that it's about the person #moreso than the status of being in a relationship. #at that age you don't know the difference very much #and this fifth grader has told me before that she has her first little boyfriend. (this is all stuff she's disclosed not that ive asked abt) #(but i will listen to of course if a child is bringing it up & wants to talk about their life w a trusted adult) #and she says theyve only like held hands and theyre mostly just friends. that was a relief to me. #shes also mentioned to me that another boy in her class asked her out and she said no (bc of the boyfriend) #and of course she's going into middle school next year. so. to her this is a very formative time to be thinking about herself in that sense #as a person who wants/pursues romance. which i THOUGHT i was when i was her age (though i never had a boyfriend or any male attention then) #i trust her i think she's very smart. but she's YOUNG y'know so it's not her fault she's got all these mixed messages from media and culture #these things are becoming more important in her life so i'm glad to be a representation of Being Cool & Older & Mature wo needing a bae #not that i think im making THAT big of an impact on her. but you know. i never knew a cool girl in her early 20s when i was 11 #who repeatedly told me nothing about her love life & only said no every time i asked if she had a partner. #i think had i seen that. i would've felt more ok w being perpetually single as a tween/teen lol. #or maybe not. a lot of my insecurity came from the fact that nobody ever explicitly asked me out etc. idk. whatever #miss diana is so cool. i'm gonna miss fifth grader though when she graduates. i only have one thursday left w her :''''''''(

[clamorybus]

granted i grew up in a fairly large family (the kind where it seems like every year someone had a new baby lol) so i have a lot of experience taking care of them, but ive never understood the vitriol against kids

not wanting to be a parent, i totally understand. hating messes and screaming i get; pretty much everyone hates those. but pure hatred i do not get

#like. i know saying 'kids are just little people who are still working shit out' sounds like a shit post but it's honestly the truth! #children aren't a different species than us. they function very much the same as any adult does #its just that 1) everything is new to them and 2) their world is a lot smaller than an adult's #a skinned knee is the worst thing a 2 year old has ever experienced #a standardized test is extremely stressful when you're 8 #a friend playing with someone else at recess is a deep betrayal when you're 11 #as adults we remember those feelings but in the context of our adult lives they feel silly #they aren't silly to kids though #i feel like kids become a lot less alien if you remember that #they really are little humans! they can be rude and loud and messy and cruel. but not uniquely so #and i will reemphasize that its fine if you don't want to be a parent #society might demand it (especially of women) but its not for everyone #hell i love kids and have taken care of them for my whole life but often even i question if i want kids #just. don't be a dick #mickey.txt #also im thinking about cheyenne lin's video about kids under capitalism #especially the bit about how people who grew up wealthy and/or in the suburbs are often the ones #who complain online about children. possibly because they're used to having space and quiet #and not being inconvenienced by others in public spaces. like obviously based on polling data she didn't run #so its not like a guaranteed scientific fact. but i think it does play a factor in a lot of cases #like the hyper-individualism of it all y'know?

[birbtails]

.

#gods #im .. in trouble this semester #which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester #i stopped going to therapy!! #which i think i knew at the time was a Problem #but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester #to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess? #in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line #and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive #but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely #(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it) #(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility) #(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me) #so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life #im just.. so tired #i don't want to keep living like this #and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this #and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and #maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me? #but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it #gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im #worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay?? #i don't know #and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and #i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close #to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life #im just tired and stressed and depressed #i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to #ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw

[non-operator]

sad 🎉

#a friend cut me off. said he wouldn't contact me again #i feel bad about it but also. feel kind of glad about that he was the one who did that so i don't have to stress about this #the whole situation was a mess and I feel bad for feeling relieved that it's finally over. but like. #i also did not want to deal with it anymore. I don't know how to deal with it anyways 😭 #tbf. people said that it wasn't my job to stick by his side and support him and a lot of people already blocked him and everything #but also i felt bad about doing that since then he'd be all alone. and i also felt like if I left him. he'd have no support group? #he was already doing bad mental health wise and i thought he'd just feel internalize his own stance even more the more rejection he faced #anways. sorry for venting here. i don't have a lot of places to go rn bc everyone else is busy with exams or coursework

[adore-gregor]

My rants

#here are partly because i feel like i have no one to talk about this in real life #i feel like no one ever notices i struggle too with stuff like that which i don't hold against anyone #today a friend at uni said about me when we talked about the next upcoming presentation #...and i was telling my presentation partners about how i won’t have much time this weekend and i'm sorry for it... #so she was like: don't worry flora 'will manage' (not exactly this - it's an austrian term) she is awesome - with uni stuff she meant #which is sweet but no pressure 😅 and i don't feel like that at all at least not rn 😶‍🌫️ #it's like no one gets it that it's also tough and what is behind it #i feel like i have to hold up the image other people have of me as a smart person who doesn't need to try or never has stress and problems #i don't even think i'm smart idk just lucky or has good strategies maybe i have some talent #but i don't see myself that way #and i always ask my friends and just people how they are doing in general and with uni but hardly anyone asks me that #everyone always assumes i'm doing great i guess maybe because yeah i come off as a very happy go lucky person #and i do smile a lot make jokes and try to be positive and not take life too seriously which is a good thing #but i'm not like that all the time yeah i guess i pretend i'm happy sometimes but it's not always pretending either #it often just also helps me making others feel better but also when you have a bad day making the best of it helps #additionally i don't like people worrying about me either but there's a difference between that and being seen #i would like to have someone to talk to about stuff like that sometimes it often feels lonely #sometimes it's my best friend ... but i don't see her often enough to do that #i could not blame anyone for that it's understable i guess #for example when i do try to bring it up that it's a lot with so much stuff going on or that i had no sleep and feel really worried #they're like 'don't worry you'll do great like always' or even 'it will be easy for you' #and i can't talk to my parents either as they would be worried then and doubt me even more despite doing well overall #so it often feels like i have to keep these thoughts to myself #writing it down here is kind of therapeutic :))