#and i am actively in therapy and researching and working on it and trying my hardest

[copperbadge]

lightwit

I love your mindfulness posts. I personally hate the concept of mindfulness with a passion because to me that's just normal being human and using your effing brain properly, but as an educator I have had to accept the fact that manymany people do not in fact have much self awareness and actually do benefit from this mumbojumbo. So, I am so glad I am not the only one struggling out here. 😜

I hope it's okay if I pop this into its own post because it actually gets at something I'm contending with. So, in order to get my research lined up and my thoughts in a row for therapy I turned all this research into a powerpoint called "Doing A Stupid Powerpoint For My Stupid Mental Health". And one of the slides in it is titled "Mindfulness: Petition To Rename It".

Mindfulness, as a term, is uselessly broad; it's such a bad way to identify a category of treatment/behavior that there appears to be an entire subgenre of scientific papers that work to create a framework of what Mindfulness actually is -- I read at least three papers, all published in the last ten years, that are like "What is Mindfulness in a useful sense?" and all of them had different answers. And because Mindfulness is now a buzzword, if you're researching it then you're likely to run into everything from scholarly articles to pop journalism to clickbait, to both harmless and genuinely dangerous peddlers of quack science. And sometimes the quack scientists are also publishing scholarly articles where they've just been p-hacking.

So I'm inclined to agree that mindfulness is mostly nonsense, but that's a problem with the term, not what falls underneath it. There are therapeutic modes that call themselves mindfulness that actually are rooted in real science. I think these should probably have a new name, like Therapeutic Awareness or something, but it'd just get co-opted back into the woo, I have a feeling.

So there's a lot of nonsense, but the goal of being present in the moment and self-aware isn't an idle one; there's an increasing body of knowledge suggesting that it's a foundational skill for emotional regulation and healthy coping. The scholarship goes way beyond "mindfulness arises from Buddhist practice" which if I have to read one more time I'm gonna throw stuff. Clinical testing is looking at things like physiological responses to mindfulness behaviors that have nothing to do with what's going on in your conscious mind. There's some woo surrounding "Coherent Breathing" and I don't trust the foremost proponent of it as far as I can throw him, but he didn't invent it, and testing shows that people trained in and practicing Coherent Breathing have better focus and can, to an extent, lower the level of stress hormone in their body. "Positive affect" (happy emotions) didn't rise, but "Negative affect" (sadness, anger, stress etc) was lowered.

A lot of what's being studied on a clinical level involves us as humans somehow activating shit in our nervous system that we have no conscious control over, the same way we develop muscle memory by doing a task repeatedly. That has measurable value for the issues I'm trying to solve, but it's not universally applicable, which is another reason so much of mindfulness comes across as junk science, because it tries to tell us that it's a cure-all when it isn't.

But there's reason to believe that if you can reroute your nervous system when you're starting to become upset, you can short-circuit maladaptive reactions and prevent it from causing a spiral or an over-reaction or similar, and some practices called mindfulness can train for that. And that's my goal, so I'm willing to rummage in the garbage for the gold.

#lightwit #sam has adhd #not yet fired from therapy

[gamchawizzy]

❗️Mutual Aid Needed🦐

Hello hello, I am Woz, I am a trans guy from the global south, and outside of my day job in corporate, I am an artist. I am the breadwinner of my family, and I also get my younger sibling through school.

For a little more than half a decade I have been suffering with bad mental health and suicidal thoughts, on top of trying to keep my family afloat with what I can earn.

I work two jobs to earn money, on top of tabling at conventions to be able to earn extra on the side. I am the one who pays all the house bills, some groceries, often having to send money to my sibling for school and sometimes tuition. Due to the constant pressure from overworking and the abusive social environment I have been exposed to for the longest time, I am now experiencing bodily pains, shortness of breath, headaches, worsening eyesight, and worsened depression as I clock in 10-15 hours almost daily (including weekends and holidays) trying to make ends meet.

I’m humbly asking for your help so I can get proper healthcare, which has been out of my reach for the longest time due to poverty. I was hoping to be able to afford help a few years ago, as soon as I got a job, but ever since the pandemic, the local price hikes just kept going, and going, until the matter was off the table entirely. The biggest reason why I am trying to get this moving now and as urgently as possible is so I can still receive treatment while I am still mentally and physically able to take charge of my own health. 

While I’m still more or less able to function well enough to work, I recently escaped an abusive situation, which was one of the biggest causes of my misery. The fallout from this event brought on a severe impact on my mental health and I was subject to a cult-like shunning by my old community. This has caused me to develop suicidal thoughts again, which eventually led to several self-delete attempts, the latest of which almost succeeded had I not been caught at literally the last second.

At the moment I am stable again and in the hands of trusted loved ones, but I still do not have access to professional help and I don’t know how long this stability will last and the next thing might cause me to spiral again.

We already did some research on getting local help and have a plan in motion, all we need now is the funds to carry it out. The bulk of it will be for the initial consultations and possibly medication, and we’re hoping to have enough to get the ball rolling for a couple months’ worth of treatment as I get myself back on track.

The initial process will be the most expensive as I am suspecting to have an undiagnosed condition that I would like to have checked, as well as possible medication. I do not have a disability ID yet (but I plan on getting one once I get a dx on paper), so we may have to pay full price for initial treatments.

Currently, my primary goal for this would be to achieve psychiatric help, diagnosis, medication, and therapy.

If I’m able to save up for a few months of maintenance and still have extra left over, my secondary goal would be to finally get my knees checked, as I have chronic pain and the occasional kneecap dislocation in them. This has been left unchecked for more than 15 years due to both poverty as well as being outright denied healthcare by the adults around me due to them downplaying the problem. I am nearing my 30s soon. While I’m still able to walk and engage in physical activities without the use of mobility aids, I fear that the complications from this condition if left untreated will only take a turn for the worse as I age.

Direct ways to support me:

Paypal:

Ko-Fi:

I have prints! You can pick up some of my art here:

We do not have a set price goal in mind as it will be a months-long process of beginning treatment and maintaining it, but rest assured all funds received will be set aside for the purpose of my healthcare and well-being only.

I still cannot escape many factors of my life that continue to hurt me, but I am hoping that continuous treatment, therapy, and support will help keep me going so I can keep my family fed without me having to worry about my own health.

Any donation, big or small, helps me so much! Even just a dollar/peso helps, shares and reblogs too! PH Moots, feel free to ask for my GCash in private!

Thank you all for reading! I’m always grateful 😭🙏❤

#mutual aid #mutual assistance #reblogs appreciated!! anything helps 🥺 #No deadline on this - we are hoping to start as soon as March/April but happy to keep receiving donos 😭 #so sorry about all this but yeah it is a big reason why i haven't been drawing outside of work nowadays. so many Bad things added up

[system-of-a-feather]

Thoughts on ESDM

So one of the like... three or four main reasons I moved out to Colorado was to learn and try out ESDM - or Early Start Denver Model. For those that don't know, its a relatively new but highly regarded (albeit some traditional ABA fans dislike it apparently, go figure) due to its active incorperation of developmental and attachment based studies + having some of the most robust research

The thing that has me humoring it at all is that they really dont do any discrete trial training (DTT) or any dedicated "work time" and everything is based in pro-stim play therapy

I heard of it first from my time in university cause the university I went to actually had one of the largest labs participating in research for the treatmenr and I heard it actually from one of their autistic researchers which they do actively look to hire on the labs page

I ALSO ran it by a vibe check from what my therapist (autism specialist, hates ABA) to see what hes heard and thought of it and he hasn't had extensive access to it, but all hes heard and seen is positive stuff and had no outstanding concerns

And so as a hardcore traditional ABA hater who would rather die than do traditional ABA again in ANY form under even the "best clinic" - I was genuinely just curious to see what the hype is

I'm honestly a skeptic despite what I've heard, but I'm on day three of training and (honestly have been doing petty tests to see how dedicated they are to supporting neurodiversity by not only NOT masking actively just stating any reserves I have and dissing traditional ABA whenever I get the chance) so far... I hesitantly want to say I think its living up to the hype???

Tomorrow is when we talk about how we handle "challenging behavior" so I'm KIND of waiting for the second shoe to drop cause if it does at any point in training, it would be there.

But genuinely, compared to what I saw in ABA clinics and even the non-ABA special education (for kids with extra support academically, developmentally or emotionally) classrooms, the kids genuinely seem to be having a much better of a time and actually wanting to be here.

It'll probably be a few months of actually working here before I have a firm stancd about what I think about it but I figured Id document some thoughts and observations I had on the treatment as I didn't see much of anyone talking about it in any "hey I actually hate ABA but do acknowledge that some neurodivergent kids need early support that create a high demand for care that is hard to meet with the current structure of mental health care and availibility of therapists and so I would really like to genuinely see something not traumatizing that can help" cause I personally am hesitant to trust "research" on anything based on ABA cause "research" exists for ABA as well

Anyways Ill be making this a thread of journal-ish things.

#alter: fei #esdm #early start denver model #esdm journaling

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

#virtype #anon #do I main tag this. hm. i will think about that when I wake up #decided I do main tag it #takuto maruki #persona 5 royal #persona 5 #p5meta #p5r spoilers

[plutoswrath]

𝕆𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 12𝕥𝕙 𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕗𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕖𝕒𝕣…

I find reflection to be a good way to not only understand, heal and grow, but personal experience of those who understand how the planets and stars work is a very valuable tool of learning and research for anyone who wants to study and grow in any practice. And what time would be best to fully immerse in the act of retrospection than the 12th house profection year?

All things 12th house have been happening to me so far, and will continue to do so till June next year.

: ̗̀➛ Isolation:

passive isolation (aka outer circumstances):

Isolation is one of the main themes of the 12th house. This year all the last of my former roommates moved out which left me with two total strangers alone in a big city. Alone, writing my bachelor thesis, alone starting a new job, alone going through first steps of therapy/counseling. I don’t mind being alone, I actually like and need it just as much as I need to see and be with my friends to feel alive and get back in touch with myself, but this year was different. This year was kinda the pinnacle of realizing the severity of my mental health issues and noticing how drastically they impacted me. It’s not just that I was separated by my loved ones by distance but this year it was almost impossible to make time for others, or make time for me when I needed to. I remember how I was forced to write my bachelor thesis in a month basically due to administration problems that were caused by my professors and being totally secluded from everyone for over a whole month. I remember this period like the fever dream it felt like and was; starting to work at morning and falling into bed tired at 2 am just to repeat that shit for the next 30 days, only allowing myself two meals a day, not being bale to answer people for days or weeks, and basically missing the whole summer too. A tragedy, really :(.

Active isolation (aka retreat and boundaries)

This year I willingly cut ties with some people if it didn’t feel right anymore. This year was so far - and still is - incredibly exhausting, I couldn’t afford to pour life into people and situations that didn’t give me anything back or were inherently toxic. Also, this might not be healthy on my end but due to self esteem issues I decided to wear my mask even more than usual, adding to the feeling of isolation by a feeling of invisibility. I felt and still feel extremely faceless/without identity this year, but this feeling somehow grew into the comfort of being somehow a bit more free of judgment and the perception of others.

: ̗̀➛ Love, making time and hidden enemies:

This section will also talk about the connection this 12th house year has to my Venus and North Node in the 12th! Using whole signs, I have my Venus-NN conjunction in the 12th and even tho I’m not that much into dating, I found myself actively pursuing potential relationships and dabbing into the dating pool since I left my ex almost 2 years ago. It’s strange, because I made a beautiful friendship through this, but I also felt strangely ostracized trying to date, mainly because there's a lot of people with evil intentions out there (there's more to critique about dating/hook up culture, but that's not for an astrology post lol). But it’s not inherently bad, as I’ve mentioned before it only made me realize more what I want in others and also what I want from me. I also learned setting boundaries through this. Also; having my NN in the 12th, the topic of making time and spending it on myself in order to heal (no matter if it’s by actively working through therapeutic material or just simply by indulging in hobbies, studying or self reflecting) I figured this is a huge issue in my life; everything and everyone tears at me and it’s hard to make time. Prioritizing myself in order to get back in touch with myself, to tap into my inherent wisdom by channeling my 12th house and working with it is what I should do and this year really helped me realize this so far. Even my close ones talked with me about it and told me that it would be crucial to make time for me and get back in touch with my creative side. I believe a lot of the mysteries and fears of my own natal 12th house placements were exposed during this year so far. A lot of it also boils down to my own mental health, and the idea of what can be if I were to have the time and resources in order to indulge in my own passions and heal myself through them, as well as go after what I want fearlessly and without shame.

: ̗̀➛ Drugs and mental health:

The 12th house represents our mental health and subconscious. It’s often known as the house for drugs since drugs either get us in a state in which we find it easier to access that subconsciousness (e.g using drugs as medicine, or for rituals/spiritual practices) OR use it as a coping mechanism. I quit smoking two years ago, and haven’t thought about picking up the habit since then, but as the administration problem of my professors happened, which basically could've caused me to fail it and made all the hard work I put into my studies be for nothing (leading to me wiring my bachelor thesis in only a month R I P) I picked up smoking for two weeks and dropped it after I felt I got my nerves under control again. I do not feel bad at all, because I knew even back the that it was a last resort solution and that it's only temporary.

Funny thing is, as I suffer immensely from ctpsd and ocd and my body is constantly tense, under high stress, etc. I will try out cbd oil in order to ease my mind and body. I think it's also a good way to help me additionally with managing my daily life and making it bearable, as long a s I don't have a therapy place.

: ̗̀➛ Therapy:

This ties together with the subconscious. (funnily enough the 12th house also represents medical institutions), this is the year I finally was able to have my first contacts with therapy and am now actively searching for a therapist. Since I'm only at the beginning of the mental health journey there's not a lot to say, but eventually next year when I'm nearing my 1st house profection year I can reflect more on it.

: ̗̀➛ Opportunities that lead to self realization:

The 12th house is often known as an 'evil' house since it’s shows us the end of a cycle. I realized that many things I wanted actually came true in some sort of offer when I went after it(this is me channeling my Aries Jupiter too lol) but instead of finally getting what I want by acting out on desire, I realized that many things I wanted were still unattainable. Part of it was, that I still needed to fix myself, part of it was acknowledging that evil in the world is just there; it's created and caused by others and it's not your fault, nor do you have to understand why. I was forced to be very conscious over my intentions and own actions. This year I was on autopilot and yet I wasn't; better said, the minute I caught myself on autopilot something inside of me snapped and brought me back into reflection mode. I was challenging myself, trying to wrap my head around my subconscious behavior and trying to change it by being ore active and intentional with my desires and actions.

: ̗̀➛ Endings:

I indeed finished a few things this year. University, a few friendships, some ideas and believes about myself, some negative patterns, lifted the veil of unspoken feelings and truths of friendships, you name it. There is a strange feeling of hope and hopelessness - it feels like walking through thick mud. It’s so tiring but you know it just takes effort to get through, so you grit your teeth and do it because there’s no other option instead of giving up and getting stuck, eventually being swallowed by this mud.

In some moments I realized things ended and it was for the better: I could breath again. But it also reminded me of the next task ahead; now, that one truth has been uncovered it opens the path for new movement, a new opportunity. And the question is, do I act on it? If so, when? If not, will it forever be closed, wasted time and space? It's definitely a question for the 1st house profection year that is slowly but surely approaching, but it's also my Virgo Ascendant and SN in the 6th house conjunct my Uranus reminding me that I'm never safe, movement and changes are all around us and chaos keeps me on my toes and ready to act, and potentially prevent the next crisis that is about to succumb me and others. Life is strange, but I'm growing and as much as I feel helpless and small, I also feel proud and grown. I am excited to see how this year of the 12th house (the house of endings) will end, and what mysteries it will reveal. I'm excited about what I am yet to discover.

I know the profection year looks different depending on the individual birth chart, life themes and patterns in there but I’d be really happy to read the experience of others who went through their 12th house profection year!

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆ .　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

#this year is bad but i know the 1st house profection year will be worse #LMAO I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES #astrology #profection year #profection years #zodiac #astro notes #astrology notes #12th house #12th house profection year

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Bibliomom. So I've had CFS/ME for the past 13 years or so, and I've only just been diagnosed. My feelings on being confirmed to have an incurable disorder rather than something that is in my head(and a personal deficit that I am therefore theoretically capable of overcoming) are... Complicated. Can you recommend any support groups/groups for people trying out and reporting on the effects of various treatments? I have been taking LDN for a few months, and I've recently started on bi-weekly b12 shots. I know it's to be expected but I always feel so gutted when a new treatment doesn't just... Fix Me. I'm looking into mestonin, stellate ganglion blocks, and getting my microbiome mapped and altering my diet based on that. It's all so much money and spoons for a complete crap shoot every time. Have any particular treatments worked well for you?

Unfortunately, there is no Fix Me cure for Me/CFS, there’s just things that help and maybe increase your baseline of wellness. Chief among them, resting while in an active flare to avoid PEM (Post Exertion Malaise.). You can do all the fanciest most expensive treatments, but if you’re not resting enough to avoid PEM, you’re just throwing money away.

The jury is still out between my doctors on whether I have ME/CFS. Some say no because I got substantially better after pernicious anemia treatment and that fatigue is a symptom of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and what I have is chronic fatigue, not chronic fatigue syndrome.

Some of my other doctors say that’s just splitting hairs. Especially when we now know I have multiple genetic disorders that were made infinitely worse following viral infections and other physical injuries.

Either way they all agree that avoiding PEM is vital at all costs. This means tailoring my physical rehab to very specifically to not push beyond my limits. If I wake up more tired than usual, I cancel physical therapy that day because going through with it can set me back days, sometimes even weeks.

We’ve also found that stabilizing my neck through physical therapy has been beneficial, as cervical instability and things like tethered cord syndrome have also been linked to ME/CFS (Jennifer Brea is a famous example.)

I’m also being assessed this week by a neuro-eye specialist to see if there’s something wrong with my eyes that a regular eye doctor might miss, just on the off chance that a misalignment is the cause of my chronic migraines, and potentially a lot of fatigue as well.

Other than that I take a crap ton of methylated micronutrients under doctor’s orders because my body struggles with the methylation process, and also I just don’t absorb food properly thanks to the EDS and MCAS, so I’m pretty much always deficient in something. Also making sure I’m properly hydrated at all times helps. It’s amazing how crummy low electrolytes can make you feel, even when you think you are adequately hydrated.

As for groups, I find the r/cfs subreddit helpful. The r/CFSplusADHD has also been helpful, though less active. Other than that I recommend following along with the ME Action Network. They post a lot of research and can be a good way to find other people in similar situations.

And to answer your other question about mast cell stabilizers: I rotate between Cetirizine and Levocetirizine at the moment (both h1 blockers), and also Famotidine (h2) when needed. I don’t find Famotidine as effect as Ranitidine, but unfortunately, Ranitidine is still off the market due to a recall concerning product instability.

I’ve also found Ketotifen (h1 blocker) helps to reduce my fibromyalgia type pain, but unfortunately I don’t tolerate it very well and it makes my migraines worse. Same with Cromolyn Sodium. That one actually brought me out in hives when I tried the oral route, but I suspect the dosage was too high. I tolerate the eye drops though.

I also take a high dose of Vitamin D3 every day under doctor’s orders. That has really helped my mast cell symptoms over the last year. It’s amazing what being low on Vit D can cause to fuck up in your body.

Other than that it’s avoid triggers, avoid stress and get plenty of rest.

I hope that helps.

#chronic health tag

[canonicallyobserving911]

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 16 is now available on AO3.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Currently 16 chapters completed: 549.4K Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

___________

Here's a romantically fluffy snippet from Chapter 16 from one of Buck's and Eddie's conversations.

___________

“I love you!”  Eddie emphatically admits.

Buck wipes Eddie’s tears away with his thumb.  “I love you too, so much”.  After he composes himself, he says, “The settlement money is for our family, so don’t worry, ok?”

Eddie slowly nods.  “Ok but only if you’re sure this is what you want to do.”

“I am.  I’m in love with you and you mean the world to me Eddie so… let’s do all the things you said we were going to do.”  They’re still holding hands and he gently rubs his thumb on top of Eddie’s.  “Let’s make love in Venice, we’ll not only eat pizza in Naples but let’s learn how to prepare it and let’s go shopping in Florence.  My love… I can’t wait to do it all with you.”

Eddie gasps and bites his bottom lip in an effort to blink back his tears then says, “And I can’t wait to do it with you too because… you’re my heart, you’re my soul, you’re my everything”.

When are Buck, Eddie and Chris going to Italy and England?

Also, what exactly are they going to be doing while they're there? 👀

___________

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-16 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #christopher diaz #the buckley diaz family #buckley diaz family #911 on abc #911 abc #buddie fanfic #ao3 fanfic #911 fanfic #Fanonwriter2023 on AO3 #Hiatus Reading #buddie wip #“I'm still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!” #Chapter 16 is now available on AO3

[xxlovelynovaxx]

I am so fucking enraged right now.

Everything I have ever learned about MCAS has been from other people with MCAS. Triggers, treatment protocol, secondary symptoms (and even sometimes primary ones), everything.

I am going on four years since I first started seeing allergists for this specific symptom set.

Not ONE has done more than a basic scratch and blood test and then told me to come back in six months if I'm "still experiencing symptoms". I got LUCKY that my pcp at the time was willing to do a urine tryptase test and also knew that a negative result wouldn't disprove MCAS. But she still completely didn't understand exactly how ignorant and lazy allergists in the area are and seems to think it's my fault I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet (I know I delay scheduling appointments because of my trauma, but that's also a fucking disability, Laura.)

They've prescribed me albuterol inhalers for my asthma, which I just found out TODAY is a major trigger.

I've had to rely mainly on the SIGHI food lost plus gauging my own reactions for what's safe to eat, and between that and sensory issues and being too disabled to make food I have to live in a constant state of reaction anyway and just manage it to try and go at least a month or two between ER visits for IV prednisone because I react to the inactive ingredients in the pills - and I've started reacting to something in the IV form too.

I'm sick ALL THE TIME and the worst part is statistically I'm not even halfway through the average time it takes to receive a diagnosis, let alone start treatment. I live in an area with two allergist practices that take Medicaid, and neither knows the first thing about MCAS.

One told me the only treatment was albuterol inhaler, flonase, and h1 and h2 blockers - never mentioning cromolyn sodium, montelukast, xolair, quercetin, or any of the other options past the first line that was already not working for me. I rely on quercetin and DAO enzyme from amazon (the DAO enzyme they don't have a ton of scientific proof of efficacy yet, but it seems to be working and even if that's placebo effect it doesn't seem to be HURTING).

They tell me to avoid my triggers but don't even themselves know what those triggers even LIKELY are (what foods are high in histamine, that exercise and heat are triggers, etc).

I am doing all the work of researching what tests have to be ordered, what the results would be to prove MCAS, what treatments are most effective and in what order you try them, all while having to pander to and tiptoe around a fancy signature in a lab coat's ego while they prescribe me things that are actively making me sick to the point they are effectively poisoning me.

I have to bend over backwards while also dealing with my severe (and ongoing!) medical trauma just to get doctors to not do what is allegedly the OPPOSITE of their jobs. I'm trying to get the lifesavers to actively not kill me through their own negligence and ignorance.

Doctors are lifesavers like the police are here to fucking protect and serve. If I ever hear another person refer to a medical professional as an "angel" I'll assume they mean "angel of death".

This isn't just one doctor, either. Every primary care provider I've ever seen, every specialist... I had my latest pcp FLIPPANTLY tell me "oh western medicine isn't really good at dealing with chronic issues. If you have strep or a perfed bowel, we know how to fix that, but otherwise you're basically SOL."

I'm only paraphrasing the last fucking acronym. The rest of it is word for word, I just can't remember the exact phrasing for that last acronym but it was the exact same meaning in slightly more "professional" wording.

On a related note, I fought doctors to get a wheelchair for my POTS until I gave up and only happened to luck into a charity that provided me one I could at least be pushed in, though I can't self-propel it. They kept trying to send me to physical therapy - which with how sensitive I am MCAS-wise to ANY exercise, could very well have made me worse.

Actually scratch that it would have bc just getting to the car and back two blocks away (city living) without doing anything else is enough to flare me for days. Doctors are apparently allergic to taking accessibility into account when treating disabled people. /bitter

I just... truly want to burn doctors as a profession and as people to the ground. It's a profession so deeply hostile to disabled and chronically ill people as the standard while purporting and being celebrated and being paid big bucks for at best doing jack shit and at worst actively killing us. I'd say "I could avoid crawling under the bar which is fucking UNDERGROUND if I were a doctor" but the fucked up thing is the system is literally set up to not just disincentivize doing so, but to actively prevent it and weed it out.

There are no good doctors like there are no good cops, because the good ones are either forced to quit or leave.

This is why I call myself anti-phys. Because I'm so pro-ACTUAL MEDICINE like you wouldn't believe. With human bias as removed as possible from the actual science, with disabled and chronically ill people being the first and foremost priority of every aspect of every medical and medical-adjacent profession - yeah, I ADORE good, accurate medical science. I want to fucking do medical research as a fucking career! I'm not against (consensual) treatment methods involving anything from medication to physical therapy to any other methodologies we know!

It's doctors serving only to gatekeep care and medical knowledge as a profession, who have absolute life and death power over disabled people and wield diagnoses like weapons as tools to discredit us and cover up their own neglect and abuse of us. It's the way the science is so incredibly biased and that this is in part because medical professions are designed to be inaccessible and hostile to disabled people as an integral part of the whole system. It's that the medical profession serves to uphold structural ableism and is built with that rot at its very core.

I have these fucking hellish chronic illnesses that continue to be fucking degenerative as a result of information purposely being kept from being disseminated and treatment being withheld, and if doctors were what their image portrays, I would have them minimally well-managed, if not some of them in remission.

These diseases are stealing years of my life away from me that I will NEVER get back, and doctors are in all actuality basically aiding and abetting them in doing so more effectively. It's beyond the cruelest of satire. It's beyond inhumane. It's eugenicist and more than borderline genocidal.

How much do I have to say: I'm terrified. I can't do this. I can't keep returning to people essentially mass-produced on a fucked up assembly line to oppress and harm people like me to beg them to this time not try to kill me and to instead do what is supposed to be their jobs. I don't have any fight left in me to do so.

I can't keep returning to the people responsible for upholding a system which strips me of my single most fundamental rights - to life and health - along with every right needed to guarantee those; and prostrating myself before them to the point my nose and forehead leaves a gouge in the floor, just to desperately plead for my life and find it weighed unworthy against their egos.

I can't advocate for myself against my very literal abusers anymore. I've been beaten down one too many times. At least this way, it's only lack of treatment that's making me sicker, and not active abuse and trauma which is retriggered and all those lovely things (/sarcasm on the word lovely). At least this way, I'm not getting my hopes up like a damn fool that maybe this time they won't hurt me, maybe this time they'll treat me the way they promised, maybe this time the same exact mass-produced abuser wearing a hundred thousand faces will treat me right.

(And don't even get me started on how the very literal definitional gaslighting of traumatized people and especially people traumatized by oppression and marginalization, the assigning of the labels of "crazy" and "irrational" and not reliable narrators on the harm and abuse they've experienced factors into all of this.

If you decide that trauma means people aren't actually capable of reliably determining an actual threat and that they're all jumping at shadows you can ironically use the label of traumatized to argue that victims are never experiencing any actual further trauma, and even honestly in a bizarre contradictory twist of logic that they never experienced any in the first place and it's ALL just a nebulous abstract sickness of the mind.)

I mean this purely in a metaphorical sense, but it feels easier to just lay down and let these illnesses take the rest of my life from me slowly. It doesn't hurt as much to bleed to death from a million tiny papercuts as it does to be repeatedly STABBED and then the worst of the wounds cauterized so I only bleed as much as a papercut from most of them, all while the papercuts continue and some of the stabs are left a leaking faucet to both drag me to death quicker and to steal my time by driving me out of my mind with sickness and agony.

I feel hopeless. I'm in a constant state of re-grieving, and being helplessly angry and impotent in part by virtue of both the physical illness and the trauma, and being triggered and retriggered and retriggered, and feeling hopelessness and despair, and holding on to a thinning thread of hope that is little more than fading light slipping through my fingers, and you know?

Of it all, the hope hurts worst. It keeps driving me to dash myself against the same fucking rocks as if anything will change. Chronically ill people are so often labeled insane, but isn't the definition of insanity doing the same visits to a god complex with a stethoscope over and over again and expecting different results?

Then I remember the entire communities of medical professionals fakeclaiming people with specifically my illnesses and calling us attention-seekers and drug-seekers and making fun of us for "thinking" we might have anything other than a "psychiatric" ailment (read: "crazy") while our bodies crumble around us. I remember that this is normal and even encouraged. And I think that it really is easier just to take comfort in despair, and stop torturing myself with this imaginary ideal of my illnesses actually being treated by doctors.

I think it's probably not possible to ever be healthy, because it's doctors job to stand at the gates of health and not let anyone in from our side.

Can't have us challenging what it means to be healthy, after all.

#ableism #sanism #discourse #anti phys

[your-devoted-domme]

About me

I'm an introvert who is a huge dork at heart. I love spending time in nature (particularly the forest), reading and writing, learning new things (particularly about languages/linguistics, anthropology and history, mythology and different religions), going to the theatre and opera, listening to outdated music and playing with my dog.

I consider myself a (female) bisexual dominant stone top, meaning I like being in charge and making my subs feel good but I do not enjoy being on the receiving end of any sort of penetration and most other sex acts. I'm interested in both male and female subs with a preference for other women.

What I'm looking for on here:

Friends or a long-term romantic relationship (I'm not interested in polyamory but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if my partner was). I'm not interested in casual play at all and I will only engage in D/s with a romantic partner.

What I'm looking for in a partner:

looking for a long-term romantic relationship

in my age range (~ 21-35, roughly)

I'm very attracted to people who are just good (kind, helpful). I don’t need someone to be the smartest person or the most confident or the funniest, just try to be the kindest version of yourself you can be.

good communication, willingness to listen and speak up if there are problems

mutual respect (especially when it comes to personal boundaries) and trust

willingness to compromise

strong sense of self and independence, maturity

overall emotional connection

I adore gentle people and even those who are a bit shy.

"naturally submissive" as in not just looking to have a certain kink fulfilled but who is happy to let me take charge in the bedroom

feminist/feminist ally

has done their homework with regards to kink -- it's fine to be inexperienced (I am as well) but I would hope any person wanting to engage in kink has at least done some research

someone who doesn't view me as a "kink dispenser" and sees me as a human being who is flawed and imperfect just like everyone else

Me as a partner:

Of course, it's a bit silly to just write a whole essay about what I am like in a relationship so I'm not going to do that and just hope my positive qualities will become clear during actual conversation. :)

That being said, I try to embody all of the traits I look for in a partner myself (kindness, empathy, independence, maturity, mutual respect, loyalty, honesty...). Since my biggest love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time, it's important to me to put aside time for my partner and really focus on them as well as performing small acts that make them happy, such as getting their favourite drink from the coffee shop or helping them with a task they've been struggling with.

I also try to actively improve myself, mostly by journaling (doing shadow work), meditating and going to therapy.

One of the things I'm still working on is my tendency to withdraw when I'm stressed and wanting to solve all my problems by myself.

I'm also still finishing up university right now, so in case of a potential long-distance relationship, I don't know what my situation will look like in a year or so. Ideally, my partner would be open to re-locating to Germany.

One last thing to note is that I've only had relationships with other women before but I am bisexual so I'm open to men as well. I've mostly avoided dating men because I am a stone top and I figured most men wouldn't be into that and because I don't enjoy all of the gender roles and expectations in straight relationships. Let me buy a beautiful boy flowers if I want to!

Me as a domme:

I don't have much experience with domming per se but I have been a stone top in all of my previous relationships. I learnt that I like being the "active" partner, the one who does things rather than being the one who gets acted upon. I don't enjoy being penetrated at all, I would be okay with receiving cunnilingus but frankly, my sexuality is more focused on my partner and making them feel good. That's why long-term chastity/orgasm denial doesn't interest me, I enjoy making my partner come too much to be satisfied with that.

In general, I would consider myself more along the lines of a gentle domme, I'm very into giving praise and taking care of my partner in the bedroom. I don't like being harsh at all and I do not want to insult/degrade my sub (making them fell embarrassed is another matter entirely -- especially if my sub becomes flustered because of the praise I heap onto them).

I think there are two overall "schools" of femdom, with the focus either being on the sub or the dom and of course most people fall somewhere in the middle. I consider "dom-focused" to be acts like a sub attending to their domme in the bath or performing body worship on them or admiring their beauty while "sub-focused" would be the reverse of that -- it can also be a dominant act to want to care for a sub. I'm more in the latter camp, I want to adore my sub and it's important to me that they are okay with being the object of my affection (and desire).

My ideal dynamic:

The most important thing I crave in a dynamic is being able to feel like I'm taking care of my sub in some manner. I love providing pleasure and making them feel 'safe'.

I'm also looking for a mostly bedroom-only dynamic. I don't mind having a couple of general rules if that's something my partner is interested in but I don't think the 24/7 high protocol life is for me. I want my partner to still feel like an equal outside of kink.

My ideal dynamic would involve a lot of mutual reassurance and communication. I would love to be with someone I feel safe exploring with, someone that makes it easy to just be myself and where I don't have to worry about not meeting their expectations. I also want to hear my partner's thoughts about everything, they need to let me know what they like/dislike and generally have an open communication style.

I also like it when my subs show some initiative, especially in the beginning when we're both still trying to figure out the other I think it's so important to know that this is what they want.

Occasional bratting can be fun but more for when the dynamic is actually established. Right in the beginning I think I would lose my confidence as a domme too much if my sub constantly sassed me and I felt I had to always "make" them do things rather than them being excited about obeying me. I'm also more generally interested in obedience, there is something very beautiful about someone giving me this "gift" of their obedience.

Now for some specific insights:

a dream would be to be able to dress my subs, decide what outfit they'll wear for the day and what clothes to buy when out shopping. For long-distance it would even be fun to receive an "outfit of the day" selfie

I'm looking for a good girl/boy to shower with attention and take care of (while they are still a mature/capable adult outside of the bedroom)

I love obedience and "casual" non-sexual submission, especially a sub kneeling before me while I run my fingers through their hair, maybe hand feed them a snack if they get hungry.

I don't really like gender roles, I look quite traditionally feminine and I'm usually attracted to feminine women and masculine men but when it comes to behaviour, I do not like to stick to certain requirements. I like opening doors for my sub but I also love it when they offer me their arm so I can hold it and steer them where I want to go

I enjoy giving a lot of praise, maybe even in a slightly patronising/condescending way during a scene but I'm not overly fond of degradation. Some slight verbal humiliation would be okay for me but I honestly prefer giving praise.

Kinks

praise

pegging/strap on use

toys

spanking

fingering

overstimulation

edging

pet names

collars/leashes

kneeling

handcuffs/soft bondage

shibari

obedience +devotion

shy subs

body worship (giving)

size kink

fingers in mouth

marking/biting

fucking machine

remote controlled toys

anal

free use

...

Limits:

ABDL, age regression

incest (simulated or otherwise)

watersports, scat

feederism

sissy, feminization (not because I don't like feminine men but because it often tends towards being misogynistic as in "being feminine makes me feel submissive")

cuckolding

forced bi

chastity (short term denial or edging is okay but I would lose interest if I didn't get to see my sub come regularly <3)

degradation (I don't mind making a sub feel embarrassed about something but I prefer praise to insults)

any fetishes that are based in misogyny, homophobia or racism

[brostateexam]

If you aren’t entirely sure what resting for your well-being actually means, you’re not alone: It is hard to define. “It’s going to depend on how that person feels and where they are in terms of getting back to their normal,” Jaime Seltzer, director of scientific and medical outreach at myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) advocacy group #MEAction, tells SELF. 

“Rest looks and feels different for different people, and I don’t think there’s necessarily one particular explanation for what rest can look like,” Karen Conlon, LCSW, founder and clinical director of Cohesive Therapy NYC, tells SELF. “However, there could be a general consensus around what it could feel like. One might say, ‘When I feel rested, I don’t feel worried and my body doesn’t feel tense,’ or, ‘My body feels relaxed. When I am resting, my mind isn’t ruminating.’”

It’s important to consider both your body and your mind when it comes to rest. “Our minds and our bodies are connected, not just through physiology, but also through ways of communicating,” Conlon says. “I think that is so important for people to wrap their heads around and try to really accept: You can't really take care of one without taking care of the other. They’re always in communication, informing each other what condition one is in.” 

“Our brain activity, our neurological activity, is some of our most energetically demanding actually,” Seltzer says. “It isn’t just your muscles that do work. All of your organ systems do work, and your brain and your heart tend to demand a lot. So if you’re thinking very hard, you are definitely doing work.”

As I was working on this story, I came across a 2015 paper published in the journal Global Qualitative Nursing Research written by Margareta Asp, PhD, a professor in caring science at Mälardalen University in Sweden. In it, Dr. Asp makes the point that you can’t really understand rest without thinking about what it isn’t: “The essence of non-rest constitutes being strained between one’s limited resources and demanding expectations, which implies experiences of disharmony,” she writes. 

#long reads

[chaotic-archaeologist]

What does a week in the life of a grad student look like?

So the answer to this will depend heavily on what stage of research you are in. I'll give my answer as someone who is currently in pursuit of a Master's degree, because this is currently my only firsthand experience.

As a Master's student, I am expected to take a certain number of courses, usually about three a semester. Often they meet just once a week, for 2+ hours at a time, and they are discussions/seminars rather than lectures.

On top of that, I have my teaching assistantship, which is contractually for 20 hours/week, but can go above or below that depending on when students turn in assignments.

With that being said, here's a week in my life:

Sunday: A heavy work day, during which I do most of my reading/work for Monday's class, catch up on emails, run errands that didn't get done on Friday. I do not go onto campus.

Monday: In the morning I finish up my reading for class in the afternoon. Depending on how much I have left to do, I will also do administrative tasks for my TAship, or work that needs to be done for my own research. Right now that means filling out internship and fellowship applications. Class from 2:30-5:15, after which I come home and eat dinner. From 6:15-7:30 I do reading for Wednesday's class.

Tuesday: No classes of my own today! If students for the class I TA have submitted assignments, I will spend an hour(ish) working on grading those. I am responsible for grading about 100 papers at a time. I try to spend no more than 2 minutes per paper/quiz. The class I TA meets from 2:30-3:45. The professor lectures while I do work on my computer. I get home and do more reading/work for Wednesday's class.

Wednesday: In the morning I finish any reading/work that needs to be done. If I have been productive in the front half of the week I use this time to run errands or do my own work. If I have not been productive I am cramming for class in the afternoon. Class goes from 2:30-5:15. I come home, eat dinner, and then do reading for Thursday's class until 7:30.

Thursday: In the morning I finish the reading for class in the afternoon. Class meets from 2:30-5pm. I come home and give myself permission to not do any work because my brain is fried and I do not have class tomorrow.

Friday: No class today! I start the morning with therapy, and then this is my day to attend to personal errands. This is mostly grocery shopping, laundry, and tidying. In the evening I often go out with friends to things like hockey games and bar trivia. Sometimes I go to Friday night Shabbat services.

Saturday: This is my day to decompress. I sleep in and then spend most of the early afternoon doing nothing. I paint my nails, read for fun, or take my dog for a long walk. In the afternoon I'll do something social—most weeks this is volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Not pictured are daily activities that include, but are not limited to:

Checking email. Seriously, so many emails. I was not prepared for how many emails I would be getting in grad school

Classwork that I need to be turning in like paper abstracts, discussion posts, meeting with faculty

Doctors appointments

Cooking for myself. Trader Joe's frozen meals are a life saver

Attending talks/programs held on campus, usually in the evenings. These are prime time for networking

Hanging out with friends before class sometimes

Miscellaneous meetings

Walking my dog

Evening routines like Duolingo, journal entries, creative writing time, etc.

NAPS

Unexpected crises

Also, keep in mind that as someone living with a chronic illness/disability, I operate with less energy than some of my peers. But overall, my MA schedule is similar to my bachelor's one, but with fewer classes that each take up more time, and alongside working as a TA. My academic commitments with three grad classes are about the same as my undergrad semester when I took six classes.

As always, other people are free to chime in with their own experiences/observations.

-Reid

#he speaks #gradblr #reid goes to grad school

[odd-god]

Doing something over and over again and expecting to get a different result is insanity.

Or something.

But everyone is different, right?

I've turned myself inside out trying to be more knowledgeable, more understanding, more empathetic, more open.

For what?

To be accused of doing and being the opposite of everything I've worked for?

Since childhood?

So like. Someone accused me of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Because they thought it was weird how I described myself and my interactions with people.

Yall. Do you know how much research I've done on personality disorders? On the human condition? On all manners of self-help? On the body? On so much stuff - you'd think I was trying to be a wizard.

Anyway: it's occurred to me. Always, always that I could be the problem. Occam's razor and all that.

The issue being that I have gone to therapy, changed habits, improved upon my character etc etc I am still actively doing this.

I have done all this because I've always seen the darkness in myself. I've always seen the darkness in my world. And it seemed to me the only thing I had any real amount of control over was this Self.

What better way to utilize my energy than to become a better me? A better human?

I'll admit: I focus on the storm clouds. I'm a wet blanket. I've always been a melancholic and anxious sort.

I don't remember the good times as much as the bad. Human brains focus on negativity and mine is worse. Autistic people have an even bigger issue with ruminating and being affected by negative experience than a neurotypical person.

I've lived lifetimes inside of myself. And in stories and animation. I've had strange experiences since I was a toddler. I never felt of this world. So my only real comfort was myself and the beauty/things I resonated with in this world.

My experiences marked me. As all experiences mark everyone.

Except it seems my mark was visible. It even became a fundamental aspect of my Self. One I am trying to purify and heal to this day.

So I can be honest about all this.

And just say: I am sick and tired. Of being misunderstood. Of being held to higher standards than other people are. Of being held to standards that are unnatural to my disposition (and oh, how hard I've fought myself)

Thank you to everyone who has communicated with me. But I will not be communicating anymore.

#narcissistic personality disorder #npd #autistic #actually autistic #self dx #self help #self compassion #growth #healing #meditation #shadow work #anxiety #melancholy #sad #depression #cptsd #cptsd recovery #cognitive behavioral therapy #trans #queer #trans man

[justcaytlin]

How It's Going

So I figured it would be worthwhile to talk a bit about all the procedures and stuff I've been undergoing. Keep y'all in the loop, as t'were.

Background

To start, the reason I've been in and out of doctors so much lately is that I have fibromyalgia, which means my nervous system thinks every stimulus should be reported with Pain. Are you excited? Pain. Cold? Pain. Tired? Pain. Digesting? Pain! And it's always pain in weird areas. Did you use your wrist too much while you were drawing? Enjoy your left foot hurting, buddy. Or your knee. Or your temple. Quite literally, I did not know that people could be Not In Pain until a conversation with my husband a few years ago.

(Note: Fibromyalgia is not a disease so much as a bucket of symptoms with a variety of causes. One person's fibro may be very different from another's; this is how mine works.)

Generally, after years of hunting down med combos and enforcing lifestyle changes (regular sleep schedule, eating well, maintaining a schedule, etc) I had been sitting at a respectable 4/10 pain scale day-to-day, which is pretty mild all things considered.

Pain is easy to deal with. Unfortunately, fibromyalgia also comes with brainfog, where you can't remember things, and everything slips your mind constantly, and you feel like a sieve and you constantly worry you have early onset dementia. It also comes with chronic fatigue, much like when you have the flu. So you get up to do something and it feels like all of the energy drains out of your muscles and you feel heavy and slow and like you want to lay down just to get enough energy to move again.

As an example, showering has been very hard on me. Usually after a shower -- a quick shower! Or even when using my shower stool! -- I am shaking and weak for up to an hour afterwards.

Reason for Going

In the last six months or so, both the brainfog and the fatigue were getting increasingly bad, so that I could barely do anything at all. I was falling behind on a lot of work-related things, I couldn't help my husband with chores or food prep hardly at all, I couldn't even deal with the energy sap of seeing people very often.

Finally, my friend was going to a research institute nearby for Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. And I thought, man, I've been wanting to try ketamine treatment for years. I've heard it works wonders on chronic pain. I should try it.

So I did a lot of research, and I dove in.

Phase 1

I contacted the institute about their ketamine infusion therapy, which is geared toward chronic pain relief. Ketamine's underlying functions are still not completely understood, but in layman's terms, it seems to give the nervous system a chance to reset and relax, undoing a lot of that sensitivity that makes fibro so hard. This sounded amazing and like it's exactly what I need.

So I went through several intake and screening appointments. I was approved, but both doctors recommended that I was a perfect candidate for KAP -- Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. After all, my fibro is almost guaranteed to have come from trauma: when your flight system is active 24/7 for almost a decade, it makes some fundamental changes to the wiring. Plus, I've been diving deep in therapy for the last couple of years, and it's helped a bit on the pain side as well.

But I wasn't certain the ketamine would work on me -- there's never a guarantee -- so I wanted to stick with what I signed up for, for now.

I went in for my appointment, got the IV in, laid down, and was whisked away into a nice little trip for an hour and a half or so. Sounds smeared together. I felt out of my body, yet in it. Time smeared and collapsed in on itself. I felt disrupted, but gently and kindly, taken away into another timeline. I saw lots of shapes and patterns -- subtly, on the back of the eyelids.

I went home after that, and I rested. And the next day, my pain was reduced. It felt like there was a little bit of a cushion between the pain and my senses. My energy was back! I went from "maybe I can stand long enough to cut up a tomato for dinner, I'm not sure" to "okay I've cleaned two rooms, we should be good for guests now." I wasn't 100% by any means. I still fatigue early in tasks, I still felt pain. But it's like the clock turned back months or even years. Holy shit!

Phase 2

I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to go all in. Therapy had worked wonders before; I was gonna switch to KAP like they suggested. The doctor also suggested I try a Stellate Ganglion Block, wherein they bathe your nerves with anesthetic, which gives your sympathetic nervous system a *direct* vacation. I signed up for that too.

Unfortunately, switching to KAP meant that I needed to undergo more screenings and intakes. And the Ganglion Block also required more screenings and intakes. So my actual healing journey was put on hold for two weeks as I attended more doctor appointments.

Finally, I was able to do my first KAP appointment. You basically go into an office and get set up in a reclining chair full of blankets and pillows. They give you a special eyemask that is raised, so you can keep your eyes open if you want, but it'll be completely blacked out. You wear headphones with music playing. The doctor/therapist stays in the room with you, and if you happen to say anything during your trip, they record it. But otherwise the purpose is just you laying back and letting the medicine do its work. A nurse comes in and administers the ketamine -- for KAP it's intramuscular injection instead of IV. And then in 2-5 minutes, you'll take off. I think for me it was 1-2 minutes.

Ketamine is weird, man. The main *feeling* I take away each time is that I've jumped timelines. The person I was going in is not the same person coming out. It's always a benign feeling (so far?) but it takes you so completely out of your body, your self. Who you are dissolves for a while. It's wild. There's a big chunk of time I don't remember, and then I remember wondering who I was, what I was, what I was doing, where I was. Not fearfully, just, "huh, I should probably know this, huh". Then there was a lot of beautiful imagery of dancing in nature, vibing to the music, twirling in leaves and on lakes. Lots of imagery that is, like, hand-picked to be something I'd paint from scratch. There was some spiritual stuff too, but that's personal.

After a while, I was a tree. I had this feeling that even though part of me had rotted (the good kind of rot, somehow), I was providing lots of ecosystems for others. There was this overwhelming feeling of even though there may not be a reason for something (having fibro), we can still find meaning in it. That was valuable.

The other feeling that's still echoing through me right now is the feeling of being a seed. Like, I'm currently in incubation. There's a transformation coming but right now I'm storing all of my energy and taking in the change.

As I started coming out of it, there were two amusing things.

I could still feel parts of my body as being a tree. I was fully cognizant at this point that I was me, on ketamine, in a doctor's chair, but I was waiting out the rest of my body feeling like My Body again. Like, okay, my body ends at the elbow there, but the rest is branches. Better wait til I feel my fingers again.

I was wondering what I was supposed to do when I came around? We hadn't discussed this. Do I say something? Do I pull off my mask? Do I make a grand announcement? What if I just lay here for hours and avoid this confrontation entirely? What if I was under way longer than anyone else? #social anxiety lol What I ultimately did was I listened to the music and visualized things until it felt like the "soundtrack" was winding down and I could pick out a "credits" song. When the credits song ended, I made myself pull off my mask, and the doctor greeted me.

(One good thing about therapy, medication, and experience with social anxiety is you can feel those thoughts, but also go 'bro it'll be fine lol' and your system largely believes you.)

Anyway, after, the doctor asked me some questions about how I was feeling, what I saw or felt or experienced, etc. She took notes, then let me lay there alone for about twenty minutes to come more fully back to myself. Then she helped me waddle to the bathroom (ketamine messes with your inner ear like crazy) and took me downstairs to meet up with my friend for the ride home.

A week later, I had another appointment with the doctor to integrate everything, talk about everything I experienced or said in the sober light of day.

Phase 3

After that, I got the first Stellate Ganglion Block done. It's done in two phases, your right side and your left side. I wrote about this experience already, but I will say now, a week out from it, that this was a fucking miracle. The KAP and the IV helped a lot with energy and such but the block took my ambient pain from like a 3 to a 1-2. I genuinely wonder if this is what normal people feel like most of the time?

I can tell there's a difference between my right side (that had it done) and the left side (which hasn't been done yet). The left is far more sensitive. But, for example, my sciatic nerves are extremely sensitive to the touch, and generally if I press on them a little bit, I will legit want to cry. (I have very high pain tolerance; i would call pushing on them like an 8.5 on the scale, where 10 is when I was at the hospital for a kidney stone, screaming and crying and thrashing while I was waiting for pain meds :') )

They still hurt, but my right one is more like a 6 instead! That's HUGE. That means I can actually tolerate it long enough to roll out my nerve with the foam roller.

I'm getting my second block done tomorrow. I can't wait to see how it feels after.

Phase 4

After this week, my appointments should slow down a lot. My KAP appointments are two weeks apart, to give ample time to reflect and integrate and let my malleable brain resolidify. The downside is this is slower than I expected -- I thought it would be 1 a week -- and so I'm not positive I'll be back off hiatus on my birthday. It depends on how the next week or so goes.

Right now, I've just been hanging onto the bumper of a car speeding down Appointments Highway and I have barely had time to gather my energy enough to think about much else (besides D&D apparently lmao). By the time I'm done with KAP I will have knocked out some 20 appointments or so in a month and a half. Considering in the past I had to restrict doc appointments to 1/week due to how exhausting and hard they are for me, That Is A Lot.

But they're doing me some good. I'm incubating. I'm percolating. And soon I will sprout.

#ketamine #drugs #ketamine assisted therapy #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #integrative medicine #cayt speaks

[transsextual]

absolutely no obligation to answer this at all but i saw your post abt yr hysterectomy and i was wondering if you are receiving that procedure as gender affirming care or something else ? i just have been trying to look into how to go about something like that and if it’s a gac thing i’d love to hear more about yr process ! regardless i hope the procedure goes well & am sending you good thoughts

hello!!! yes, it is considered gender affirming care. i'm getting my procedure done thru kaiser permanente, and i'm from CA. i'm also a little over a year on testosterone, and in order to start testosterone i had to get a diagnosis for gender dysphoria from a kaiser affiliated therapist (done in one 45 minute session (with a trans therapist!)). given that i already had that diagnosis, i can't say for sure that you'd need one within kaiser to be approved for a hysterectomy as GAC, but i'd imagine you probably would. my process was long & inconsistent because it consisted of mostly phone calls + appointments + reading&signing contracts, all things that almost physically pain me, but here's what it has looked like thus far:

- talked to my primary doctor about a referral to the center for reproductive health for fertility preservation + hysterectomy as gender affirming care

- she gave me a referral to the kaiser offices in the bay area, since that's where most of northern CA's gender affirming surgeries + procedures happen

- got a call from an RN to schedule an appointment with a fertility preservation specialist + a gynecologist

- gynecologist appt was first, she gave me the rundown on types of hysterectomies & told me i had the option for fertility preservation and that, because i live in CA and have non-MediCare insurance, i have partial coverage for fertility preservation services in a situation where i'm undergoing an operation that could lead to infertility.*

*we have a bill here, SB600, that basically illustrates that if you are undergoing a medical procedure that could result in infertility (like a hysterectomy or hormone replacement therapy) AND your insurance is something other than MediCal, fertility preservation care is at least partially covered by your insurance, and is treated as medically necessitated basic care.

- i said yes, I'm in the process of taking care of fertility preservation stuff & that is really valuable information to me, thank you!

- she referred me to a therapist to discuss different hysterectomy procedures + recovery time + resources for care, as well as a surgeon to have a consultation with

- few weeks after that was my appointment with the fertility preservation specialist, and we discussed how egg freezing works, what my options were in terms of continuing/stopping testosterone for a while*, and established a loose timeline we wanted to follow. she also ordered some labs (blood drawings) for me.

*the most research about egg freezing has been done on menstruating people, so while it's an option to stay on testosterone during the process, i opted to go off of it just because there are less unknown variables there, which comforts me

- met with surgeon for consultation, she read the notes my fertility preservation doc had taken, asked me some basic medical questions (re: drug use, sexual activity, etc), and we settled on a tentative date for my surgery

- had a mostly useless therapy(?) session to discuss hysterectomy recovery, settled on the operation i wanted, took notes about recovery time, etc, but most of my questions had already been answered by my surgeon + fertility preservation specialist.

- that brings us to about now. i haven't had any other appointments, but my current to do list consists of:

getting those labs done for fertility preservation

signing contracts about health+safety info, legal info, and other services related to fertility preservation

getting my birth control removed

right now, i'm aiming to have my birth control out by the middle of the month (June), egg retrieval complete by early July, and my hysterectomy is scheduled for the end of July. fertility preservation has been and will be by far the most annoying part of the process for a number of reasons, but if you're just looking into a hysterectomy it should be much more straightforward.

#hope this was helpful! #answers #speak

[aro-culture-is]

I accepted my asexuality pretty quickly. The country i live in sees the topic of sex as taboo and its never talked about. NEVER. Its toxic and bad but meh, its the culture. Maybe the reason i never had a problem with it was becauss im asexual.

But realising i might be aro is not. Im struggling with internalized arophobia. Im having identity crisis and existential crisis. And ive heard being aro/ace can be due to trauma? Is that real? Because if it is, lots of things start to make sense about me. Aplatonic aros? Is that a thing too? Ive always felt unfit. Never wanted a friend but seeing everyone in a group or with someone made me feel unworthy and broken from a young age. I don't want a traditional family and i feel like the one i currently am in would've gotten rid of me a long time ago if they could. My dad never kept it a secret how he disliked us, i know my mom sees me as a failure even tho she reassures me, and my brother's world is totally different from me. The few friends i managed to keep throughout the years either gotten on with their lives or found better people. What's the point of living then? Am i even human? How are other aros doing it? Am i aro or just a really shitty person who lost faith in love a long time ago? I need help

hi,

for one, yes - being a-spec can be due to trauma. There's even a microlabel for being aro (caedromantic) or ace (caedsexual) due to trauma.

aplatonic (apl) aros are absolutely a thing!

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a terrible experience with your family. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, I know how much it can completely change how you interact with others. If it is available and mental health services are okay in your country, I'd really recommend seeing a therapist. Even if you don't discuss aromanticism, asexuality, or aplatonicism, it's worth discussing with a professional about the ways you have been affected by the trauma of a family that never seems to accept you.

speaking again as a traumatized individual - as i've worked on my mental health, accepting my trauma, and moving forwards from my trauma, I personally have only grown more capable of accepting myself as aromantic and aplatonic-spectrum. I've learned that my life is my own; I can define what makes me happy in life and seek that, even if others will never understand.

I don't enjoy romantic relationships or living with others - so for me, my ideal future involves planning around living alone and what makes me happiest within that framework. I've considered that I do still get lonely, and that I'd love to have a cat - probably two, since some research seems to indicate cats generally are better adjusted when there are two.

I've thought about how I use my time - I'm disabled and in literal, full-body physical pain 24/7. Going places is an activity that requires me to plan recovery time, so I work especially hard to make my daily living comfortable. I'm currently working on finding little ways to make my life easier - putting meds, food, and water within easy reach of my bed and desk, for example - and learning to allow myself to enjoy those little things.

There's a certain amount of childish glee I'm learning to allow myself to enjoy from small activities. Those, for me, are a primary set of reasons to live. I enjoy my lotions, I eat breakfast for every meal, I lipsync in my bathroom mirror and giggle at my expressions. I learn to live as myself and I learn to see the small joys in it.

This isn't to suggest you aren't trying hard enough to find those joys! I don't think I truly could have done this without anti-depressants, therapy, and supportive friends (friendship is... complicated for me). You will have your own path forwards. I promise that with time and practice, things get better. It's rarely a sudden moment of change. It's often a sensation of taking a deep breath, saying to yourself "I am allowed to feel this way, and I am allowed to do what helps me feel better", and learning to comfort yourself. It's like seeing an echo of your younger self desperately trying not to cry, and realizing that they still exist within you, and you are now also the adult comforting that child, parenting yourself through things your parents never prepared you for.

I really, really hope things improve for you. You deserve to enjoy life. You deserve to not hurt.

#Anonymous #not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #apl #ask #mod alexander #suicidal ideation cw #suicide cw #internalized arophobia cw #internalized apl antagonism cw #abuse cw #ask to tag #if there are more cw/tw tags you'd like #this is... rough #i really feel for anon #if anyone can provide additional comments please do so

[abyss-if]

Not an ask per say but I just wanted to thank you so much for the abyss. Just read it rn and I am SO immersed. I can't wait for more. Actually one of the more interesting IFs I've checked out as of late. You probably won't see this but the only things I can ask of you I guess are to take care of yourself, take all the time you need and don't give up on this please. I'll be patiently awaiting future updates 😌

😭😭 THANK YOU SM!!! i am NOT giving up on abyss, i’ve been actually rewriting ch2 🧍🏻‍♀️ but i’m working full time, am full time student as well, in october i’ll be moving to hr (i love my little silly corporate job) and this year i’m in a research group about basically ipad kids so all of that with trying to have at least some personal life and saving up to move out is a bit hard. at least i’ll be on home office a lot more since october

it’s been a long time but even tho i haven’t been active, i’m still working on abyss!! i don’t have a date bc i have too many things going on rn (fun fact: i had to go back to therapy after starting accutane) but yeah!! i’m actually writing idris’ scene and good luck to yall 💖

but thank you so so much for your message!! 🥺

#ask #anyways public transport will go on a strike in my city #and that’s the ONLY way i can get to my office so ig i’ll be working from home and doing nothing so #that means that i’ll have some more time to write???? maybe?? #I LOVE YOU!!!!!