#and i can joke all i want about spending days thinking about fictional characters and all but always

[princessbellecerise]

Courting Headcanons

──── ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧ ────

summary | Headcanons of what it would be like to have the House of the Dragon characters court you (which is basically dating)

warnings | None

this is a work of fiction. i do not own these characters

divider by @princessbellecerise

Jacaerys Velaryon

Gentleman

Through and through, he’ll keep things between the two of you gentle yet playful

When he’s courting you, he’ll make sure that he puts his seriousness aside and let you get to really know the man you’re to marry

After all, Jace thinks it’s only fair to not keep secrets from you so you spend a lot of time learning about him: what he likes, dislikes and him you

The two of you will often take walks along the coast of Dragonstone, Jace sometimes even splashing you which causes an all-out war

The two of you will spend hours by the beach just messing around in the water, even if it’s something your parents disapprove of

Nevermind them, Jace will always cover for you and take the blame even if it wasn’t his fault that time

He’ll never do anything to make you uncomfortable or even remotely inappropriate

He’s a gentleman till the day he marries you, always picking you flowers and putting them in your hair. Or, he’ll request his cooks to make your favorite desserts and secretly leave them by your door

You’ll always know it’s him because he’ll leave sweet notes, or sometimes even love letters that make your heart long for him even more

Aemond Targaryen

It’ll be difficult in the beginning, and it’ll take some time before Aemond warms up to you

He’ll definitely be hesitant and will be closed off, but the more that he gets to know you, the more that he’ll open up

Your courtship mainly consists of Aemond taking you to the library, showing you his favorite books and even reading to you

Sometimes, he’ll even take you to the Godswood tree and let you lay your head in his lap while his smooth voices fills your ears

Don’t expect any grand gestures, for it’s the smaller things that’ll let you know he’s starting to care for you

For instance, once Aemond gets more comfortable with you he’ll let you see his humorous side and will even crack a few jokes. He’ll start to initiate your meetings, sometimes showing up in the afternoons to take you on walks around the gardens

Aemond will also let you touch him more. Offering you his arm as you walk, allowing you to hold his hand if you wish

At dinner time, you’ll see the dishes that you love more frequently and it’s all because you happened to mention it once to Aemond

He listens to you very intently even when you think he’s not, and he’ll be eager to please you in any ways he can

Of course, he will also be a gentleman and he won’t try anything with you until your wedding night, making a silent promise to himself that he’ll never be like his brother or treat you any less than you deserve

Lucerys Velaryon

Luke will court you through shy words and blushy gestures

At first, he’ll be beyond nervous but he puts on a brave face when he’s around you. You’ll never know that he’s silently freaking out, wondering if perhaps you hate him or if he’s doing something wrong

He wants to impress you, and he tries so hard to get you to like him. He’ll definitely want to show off his skills in High Valerian or even show you his dragon if it means seeing you smile

If he can, he’ll take you riding on Arrax. Boasting about how his dragon is finally big enough to host two riders, he’ll take you through the skies and will fall in love with the way you marvel at seeing the world from so high up

Since he is heir to Driftmark, he also likes taking you on tours and telling you the history of the land you both will soon rule

Of course, he also can’t resist taking you to the beach and sneaking in a little hand holding while he’s at it

On clear nights, Luke will sneak you out of your room and take you to the highest point of Dragonstone, where together you’ll sit on Arrax’s back and watch the sun go down. You’ll also stay to see the stars, excitedly pointing out constellations to one another and talking about your future together with big, bright grins on your faces

Luke’s favorite part however is when you sometimes sneak a peck on his cheek, causing the boy to blush redder than the scales on Caraxes

Dameon Targaryen

Courting Dameon will be fun

He’s a flirt, so he will forever tease you and crack jokes with you that he passes off as simple humor. Of course, most of these jokes are inappropriate but Daemon just likes seeing you all flustered

He’ll spoil you, that’s for sure. Buying all the finest dresses and jewelry just so he can watch you marvel at it and know you made the right choice by choosing him

He’ll even go a step further and offer you rides on Caraxes, showing you the true might of the house you’ll be marrying into

Of course, Dameon being Daemon will try a few things but if you’re not into it, he’ll let it be until you’re married

In King’s Landing, he likes to sneak you out of the castle and drag you to watch shows or go to markets. Basically anything that’s fun, Daemon will want to do with you

He’s also very touchy with you, loving to show you off by dancing with you at balls and placing his hands a little too low. Just enough to get the gossip going but oh well. By courting Dameon, you’ll have to get used to it

In general he just likes to test how far you’ll let him go to see if you both are truly a good match. And if you’re into it—well, Daemon won’t admit it, but he will enjoy the moments he spends with you

Secretly thanking the gods that he ended up with a partner he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with

#jacaerys velaryon #jacaerys velaryon x reader #jacaerys fluff #aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond fluff #daemon targaryen #daemon targeryen x reader #lucerys velaryon #lucerys velaryon x reader #hotd x reader #hotd headcanon #hotd fluff #house of the dragon #house of the dragon x reader #hotd

[changbunnies]

Piece of a Puzzle, (18+)

♡ Pairing: Duke’s Son!Seungmin x Princess!Reader

♡ Genre: royal au, fake dating, angst, fluff, love triangle, best friends to fake lovers to real lovers, so much pining from seungmin, slow burn-ish?, eventual smut

♡ Word Count: 20.4k (lmao it was not supposed to be this long...)

♡ Summary: For as long as Seungmin can remember, he’s been in love with you; and for as long as he can remember, you’ve been in love with Hyunjin. Desperate for Hyunjin to see you as a woman and no longer as a best friend or metaphorical sister, you ask Seungmin to pretend to be your boyfriend to make him jealous- you have nothing to lose, and nothing could go wrong! At least, that’s what you both think until your fake relationship with Seungmin begins to reveal feelings for you that he wanted to keep buried, and feelings in you that you didn't realize you had.

♡ Warnings: I know some people hate love triangles so if that is you then this fic is not for you I am sorry gsddgfd, I also wouldn't read this if you're not okay with characters who make mistakes and act selfishly lol, seungmin says mean things but it's all in the spirit of teasing and banter and he is not actually a mean person I promise, mentions of falling in freezing water, being sick + taking medicine, and mc makes 1 joke about killing seungmin.

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): virgin reader + virgin seungmin, loss of virginity, no intended d/s dynamics but reader is usually the one taking the lead lol, lots of kissing per usual, handjob, nipple play, unprotected piv, creampie

♡ Notes: it took me forever to come back to this series but the next member to get their royal au fic is seungmin <3 unlike my previous royal au fics, this one is in a modern setting which i hope makes for a fun dynamic and is a good change of pace from my other aus ! 

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

If you were to ask Seungmin what his favorite thing about having two best friends was, it would've been how special it was to be a trio. You, Seungmin, Hyunjin- the three of you inseparable since you were babies, spending hours giving the attendants and guards watching over you trouble, getting into snowball fights in the winter and camping out in the gardens during the summer.

Countless days spent splashing around in the lakes and ponds near your estates and coming back with muddied feet, making messes in the kitchens when you disastrously tried to figure out how to bake a cake for your upcoming birthday, and giggling to each other even as your elders got red in the face from scolding you.

It was perfect, really- the happiest days of Seungmin's life, all spent in carefree bliss.. until you all started to get older. It was all so mindless when you were children; all Seungmin ever really comprehended back then was that you were all of similar age, and becoming friends was a natural and perfect arrangement thanks to your parents (who Seungmin realized were all important people, though he was too young at the time to understand why or how.) You, the princess in the east, Hyunjin, the prince in the west, and Seungmin, the duke's son born in the middle of both territories, whose father allied himself to both nations and was a revered peacekeeper.

He can still remember fondly the nights before it all became so different; when you'd have guard sanctioned sleepovers in the ballroom, how you'd run and splash in the rain, your laughter carrying even as the three of you became soaked and eventually scolded for dripping water onto the pristine castle floors. You'd slip out of royal events to go hangout together on the balconies, in the library, or anywhere really, as long as it wasn't full to the brim with your pretentious elders talking politics and future marriage.

But Seungmin made the mistake of falling in love with you, and you fell in love with Hyunjin, and that's where it all falls apart.

The situation is dramatic, you're dramatic- the way you whine and flail on the bed, claims of how you'll "just die" if Hyunjin doesn't finally realize you're the woman of his dreams. Seungmin sits across from you on your chaise near the balcony of your extravagant bedroom, trying not to react too strongly one way or the other. As the only person you can confide in on this topic, Seungmin is used to hearing you pour your heart out to him about Hyunjin.

He likes to think he's used to it, anyways; that it doesn't hurt anymore because he simply doesn't let it, but any outsider looking in would be able to tell that isn't true. His smile falters, his bright eyes dull, his heart sinks to the pit of his stomach- because you will never love him with the same intensity you love Hyunjin. But it's been this way for years now; you are hopelessly in love with the prince of the neighboring country, while Seungmin is tragically in love with you. He really should just get over it already.

You've gone on and on and on about how Hyunjin is the ideal man- beautiful, educated, kind, dependable, artistic- everything Seungmin feels he cannot compare to. It's so pathetic, he feels pathetic; he never even put much thought on being of equal standing to the two of you until you started confiding in him about your feelings for Hyunjin, pouring out your heart and simultaneously breaking his with each new admission. Seungmin himself didn't even realize how in love with you he was until he was firmly faced with rejection; and it's almost funny how he's rejected before he can even try.

"I just want him to like, finally see me as a woman, y'know? I'm not the little girl you guys grew up with anymore!" you wail before shoving your face into one of your many pillows, huffing and whining in frustration as you kick your feet up and down. Apparently, you have come to find out that Hyunjin still views you as more of a sister than a potential lover, and you've spent the entire afternoon whining as you try to think of what else you can possibly do to make Hyunjin see you differently.

Seungmin wishes he could do the same- make you see him differently, as someone other than the best friend, almost brotherly figure you grew up with. But it's not meant to be, and Hyunjin has already won the race for your affection without even realizing he was part of it. "Stop being so dramatic," Seungmin complains half-heartedly, hoping you think his deadpan tone comes from just being mildly annoyed and not in fact utterly heartbroken.

You lift your head from the pillows and glare at him, but he just rolls his eyes before he lets his own head fall back against the cushion of the chaise, staring up at your impossibly pristine ceiling. "But we're a perfect match! He's a prince, I'm a princess, and I love him!" you whine, throwing one of your pillows at Seungmin when all he does is scoff instead of console you.

He throws the pillow back at you without even turning his head in your direction, and you throw it back harder than you did before, making him finally turn his gaze back in your direction. "Will you stop? Crybaby," Seungmin says, hoping to shift the conversation back to something that doesn't tear his heart to shreds. "Maybe he'd like you more if you weren't such a brat when you don't get your way."

"Seungmin!" your frown grows as you cross your arms, "do you have to be so mean to me when I'm literally heartbroken?" He has a point, that's true enough- you are acting a bit like a spoiled brat right now. But he could at least wait until later to call you out on it! You don't understand why he's always so mean when it comes to your feelings about Hyunjin. It's his personality to tease and be playfully mean in his banter, but when your feelings for your other best friend are the topic it never feels like it's purely in jest.

"Look, I get that he and his family are starting to consider who he'll marry, but it's not like he's actually seeing anyone yet. I'm sure you still have time," Seungmin suggests after a frustrated sigh, and you huff, falling back to the pillows and staring up at your ceiling with yet another dramatic sigh. "Maybe you just don't get it because you've never been in love. The thought of losing him to someone else is.. painful.."

It's a moment of real vulnerability at the end, the pain and fear in your voice when the last words leave your lips evident. If only you knew he does understand all too well, faced with the very same reality every single day. You deal with your pain by complaining to Seungmin in overdramatic displays, while he bottles it all up and shoves it as deep inside his heart as it can go, hoping that he won't have to acknowledge the pain again until he's alone, in the safety of his bedroom where no one can see or hear him agonize over his unrequited love.

But like Seungmin said, there's still time.. Hyunjin and his family are looking over marriage prospects together, but at the end of the day the choice is entirely Hyunjin's, and surely there's something you can do before he starts going on dates and falls in love with someone else. You shoot up quickly, the apparent clarity zapping you with an idea. "You're a genius, Minnie! I don't have to wait for him to return my feelings at all, I can do something!"

"Uh... you're welcome..?" Seungmin sits back up and looks over at you, and he instantly regrets it. You're looking at him with puppy dog eyes, lip pouty and hands clamped together in what is clearly a plea for help. He's not even sure he wants to know what you're thinking of roping him into- whatever plan it is you're crafting, nothing good can come from it. Especially not when your plot is being conjured by pure emotional need.

"Seungmin.. Be my boyfriend, please! Help me make him jealous," you plea and his eyes instantly widen, mouth hanging open in complete shock. He and Hyunjin have had to talk you out of a lot of irrational acts during their time as your friend, but this takes the fucking cake. There's no way you are asking him to do this. "You can't be serious," he says after the initial shock passes and now you scramble to the edge of the bed, pout growing as you try to convince him.

"Seungmin, please-" "Absolutely not, no," he cuts you off and the desperate, heartbroken look he's met with shatters the already microscopic pieces of his heart into even smaller pieces- a feat he didn't even think possible. It's almost impressive how you manage to break his heart without even realizing it.

"Please, you know there's no one else I can ask," you plea, now completely off the bed and just inches in front of him, clasping his hands in yours. There it is- Seungmin, the consolation prize. Seungmin, the one you turn to simply because Hyunjin isn't available. Seungmin, who gets dragged into schemes like this because he just can't live with himself if he knows you're genuinely upset.

Your puppy eyes looking at him so pleadingly paired with your soft hands desperately clutching his is enough to make him melt. He swallows, averting his gaze from your pouting lips and glassy eyes, trying to stay firm in his sentiment. "It's a bad idea," he says, voice short and impossibly tense, "what will you do if it doesn't work? If he's just like.. a good friend, and supports us being happy together?"

"But what if he doesn't? C'mon Minnie, we at least have to try!" you push on, your hands squeezing his tighter. The fact that his statement doesn't seem to deter you at all somehow makes the pain in his chest even worse. Like there's no reality in which Seungmin is the viable love interest for you, like the possibility that Hyunjin would concede your heart to him couldn't ever be reality, like the idea isn't even worth entertaining.

"I.." He hesitates as he finally looks at you again, your face still impossibly close to his, the earnest desperation for him to help you with this stupid idea making his chest feel impossibly tight. Seungmin likes to think he's good at pretending to not have feelings for you, but he doesn't think he can do it while also pretending to be your boyfriend.

How is he supposed to be so close to you and pretend it was all empty acts and words when the night is over? He'll tell you he loves you and you'll think it's part of the act, praise him for being so committed to the bit for your sake, thank him for pretending so effectively. You'll take his heart in your hands and twist and bleed and crush it, and you won't even know you're doing it. "Please?" you try once more and his resolve utterly crumbles.

It's stupid how much power you have over him. It's stupid how he can't stand firm against what is very clearly a disastrous idea. It's stupid how he's going to willingly allow his heart to be trampled upon just to make you happy. "..Fine," Seungmin finally breathes out his answer, conceding without all that much of a fight in the end.

You happily squeal and wrap your arms around him in a tight hug, thanking him over and over again. And despite himself, Seungmin smiles- because even though he's going to suffer, at least you'll be happy because of him, even if it's only for a short while. "You're the best, Minnie! I love you!" you beam, eyes crinkling with pure joy that he's going to help you.

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome," he says as he wraps his arms around you in return. It's a mistake, but if it's for you then isn't it a mistake worth making? And he has to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat when you told him you loved him, has to remind himself that you'll never mean it in the way he wants you to, that every show of affection from this point onward will all be part of an elaborate performance.

The first rule of every fake relationship: set expectations and make a plan.

That's exactly why Seungmin finds himself visiting your room again following his foolish promise to be your pretend boyfriend. You bounce up to him in delight when he enters your room following a knock on the door, and he wishes that your excitement was genuinely for him, and not because you were going to be using him to make your shared best friend jealous.

Seungmin doesn't even believe Hyunjin will be jealous in the first place; he's never expressed having a romantic interest in you, and he thinks Hyunjin would confide in him if he did. But then again, it's not like Seungmin has ever confessed his feelings over you to Hyunjin either.. And the possibility that Hyunjin does love you, but simply never brought it up in the same way that Seungmin hasn't fills him with dread.

If this stupid plan works, and Seungmin actually helps you two come together.. he wants to think he'll be happy for you two, but who is he kidding? He'll be fucking gutted. "You look handsome today, boyfriend," you tell Seungmin happily, and he immediately freezes in place, hoping his expression is more incredulous than it is embarrassingly flushed red. What a way to be ripped out of his spiraling thoughts.

"Can you warn me next time you're about to say something stupid?" Seungmin tries to play it off as he takes his usual place on your chaise. "Sorry, just practicing," you follow up with a giggle, and he simply sighs as he watches you sit next to him. He's really gotten himself into trouble this time around, but it's too late to rescind his agreement to help your cause.

"I don't think most couples literally call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" to their faces," Seungmin says, trying to smoothly ignore the 'handsome' part of your comment. It's superficial, you don't mean it, he already knows that; best not to let his mind dwell on a false hope of you one day meaning those words. "Well duh, I already know that," you say as you roll your eyes, "I'm just getting into character!"

Ouch. You have to get into character to love him, huh? It's not like he's surprised to hear it, but it hurts all the same. "Can't be too sure with you, sheltered princess and all," he teases and you roll your eyes again. "I'm not that sheltered. And TV exists! I'll have you know romance is my favorite genre."

"Great, so you get all your knowledge on romance from TV? How promising," Seungmin continues and you shove him, though all he does in response is smile at you. "Whatever, it's not like you know what you're doing either. You've never even had a girlfriend," you say and for a moment you think Seungmin is going to shove you back, but he doesn't.

His hands rise and almost touch you, but he hesitates before ultimately lowering them back down to his lap. It's been that way since you started getting older, as if the days you'd play wrestle or sleep while hunched together or hold hands while skipping through the castle never happened. Thinking about it, he stopped doing things like that around the same time you brought up your feelings for Hyunjin.

You assume he was being considerate, trying to be hands off so Hyunjin didn't get the wrong idea, but.. You wonder why you didn't realize how much he's been keeping his distance from you and hesitating to touch you until now? (And in reality, he stopped touching you when he realized he had feelings for you, and not when you admitted you like Hyunjin, but he's never going to clarify that fact to you.)

The other day, when you clutched his hands in yours in a desperate plea, it was the first time you held hands since you were kids. That's a sad thought, for some reason.. Maybe part of you missed it more than you realized. Taking his hand in yours, you really allow yourself to experience it this time.

It's nostalgic, holding his hand; though Seungmin's hands are much bigger now than when you were kids, they feel the same. Warm, comforting, gentle.. You wonder when the last time you did this was; you almost feel bad that you can't remember. You were once holding hands every single day and then you just.. stopped. You're not sure why the thought makes you as sad as it does; probably just the natural melancholy that comes with nostalgia if you had to guess.

Seungmin awkwardly accepts your hold, looking at you curiously after he stops fidgeting his hand. "I kinda missed this," you admit, cheeks growing pink with the admission. You're not sure why saying it makes you blush- it's just Seungmin. "Me too," he responds, his own face equally as pink, though he hopes you don't notice. He looks down at your hands, fingers laced together, and his heart stirs.

Ignoring it, he looks back to you, expression nervous but entirely serious. "So uh- your plan.. what exactly is it?" he asks, surprised when you answer immediately. Guess you put a lot of thought into it; because while your answer isn't rehearsed necessarily, it is confident. "Well, you got your invitation to the ball right? That's where we'll tell Hyunjin we're dating! It's the perfect setting."

"But you literally hate going to that thing- are we really going to go just for that?" The annual Hwang family ball is much more politics than it is dancing. Seungmin can't think of a single time you all attended and actually had fun without having to sneak away or cause a scene. At best it's boring and at worst you're spending the entire night being lectured on the future of your countries and how important it is to marry the right person for political power.

"Yeah, unless you have a better idea?" You frown as you look at Seungmin. He doesn't, unfortunately. He's not even sure he'd suggest it if he did have one, to be fair. God, this is so stupid- he's stupid for agreeing to go along with this. Curse you and your ability to rope him into the worst things possible just by giving him a cute look.

And in the end, he easily accepts the plan- attend the ball, act like a lovey dovey couple, activate Hyunjin's underlying jealousy (that may not actually exist), and hopefully profit. In the meantime, you'll be "building credibility" by getting past all the awkwardness now, so that you can pass as a legit couple in front of Hyunjin when the time comes.

"You're really okay with this, right? It's okay to change your mind," you say with a compassionate squeeze to his hand. It takes Seungmin by surprise that you're actually considering his feelings- not to insinuate that you're entirely selfish or don't care about him, but you do tend to have a one track mind when it comes to your romantic feelings for Hyunjin.

You watch him carefully, his expression entirely unreadable to you. You wish you could tell what he was thinking in times like this, but he always becomes a stonewall when you bring up romance and your long harbored feelings. You know it must be for a reason, but he never tells you what it is, and you can only assume the topic of love makes him uncomfortable; and while you're grateful for his help, you don't want him to push through discomfort just for your sake.

"..Yeah, I'm good. This is fine, everything's fine," he finally says. You don't entirely believe him, but you don't press him on it- he'll just argue with you if you don't take his word for it. Stupid. You were clearly offering him an out and he just accepted his role as your emotional martyr. But who is he kidding- it's not like he would've been able to answer any differently, ever a slave to your whims.

Whether you realize it or not, you have him in the palm of your hands, and Seungmin would do anything to make you happy- even at the detriment to himself. "So.. uh, do you want to kiss me?" you transition and Seungmin has to make a conscious effort to not choke on his own spit. Because how are you asking him that so casually?

"No, you're gross," he answers; a lie, obviously, but he didn't realize this fake relationship would entail anything other than mild displays of affection and maybe the use of petnames. If he kisses you it's over for him. Completely, utterly over- he'll never be able to pretend you're just his friend ever again.

You roll your eyes as you let go of his hand, and he frowns; he misses the warmth already, but what right does he have? "You can just say no without the gross comment, asshole," you shove him again. Seungmin is always mean to you, so it's not like you weren't expecting a comment like that when you decided to bring up kissing. You might've hoped for a different reaction, but you certainly weren't expecting anything profound or romantic.

...Why were you hoping for a different reaction in the first place?

"No, that's- I'm sorry, that's not what I meant, I just-" It's almost endearing how Seungmin fumbles with his words. You blink at him, surprised to see him floundering to admit you're not actually gross to him. Poor Seungmin- being mean to you is his only defense mechanism and now it's going to bite him in the ass. No wonder you don't have feelings for him.

In reality, he thinks you're pretty. So fucking pretty. And he wants to kiss you more than he's ever wanted anything. "Force of habit," he finally says, swallowing down his true thoughts and feelings as usual. Thankfully, you accept his answer easily; he's not sure whether you truly believe him or not, but he'll take what he can get. "Have you ever kissed someone?" you decide to ask, moving swiftly along after taking his answer at face value. Thank God.

"Once," he answers, and oh, that's a surprise; you expected him to say 'no,' to be like you- with zero experience. You're best friends- why hasn't he told you..? To be fair, it's not that Seungmin kissed someone- he was the one being kissed by someone else. The distinction is very important! And he can see the question lingering before you even ask it, so he takes the initiative in answering. "It was awkward. I didn't.. feel the same way as them."

"Oh. I didn't realize there are people that like you," you say and Seungmin instantly shoots you with an incredulous look. "Ouch," he deadpans. "No, sorry- I didn't mean for that to sound so mean, I swear," you promise with an awkward laugh. At least now you're equal on the "making unintentionally hurtful comments" front.

You've thought at great length what it would be like if Hyunjin started dating someone, but you're just now realizing you never put any thought into Seungmin dating someone. You guess you just always expected that he'd be there.. you never stopped to think about what would happen if he wasn't, never even considered it a possibility that he wouldn't always be right there next to you.

And it would happen eventually, wouldn't it? And what about when you and Hyunjin are a couple; you two will have each other and Seungmin will.. well, you don't know what he'll do. But you don't like the thought of him being anymore distant. What a way to realize how selfish you're being. “Sucks that it was awkward,” you eventually say, ignoring the way guilt starts to eat at you. No surprise that the selfish princess doesn’t want to confront that issue just yet.

“Yeah.. honestly, I felt bad. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to confess and kiss me, but I,” already had feelings for you, he thinks, but obviously opts to say something else, “just didn’t feel the same.” Lord knows Seungmin will never have that same level of courage; to put yourself out there and confess only to be met firmly with rejection is terrifying. And he knows you don’t feel the same, so why even try? Being a coward suits him perfectly fine in this case. 

“Why didn’t you accept anyways? You might’ve returned the feelings after becoming a couple and growing closer to them,” you ask, earnestly curious. You think you would give someone a chance if they confessed to you if you weren’t already so in love with Hyunjin. But as far as you knew, Seungmin didn’t have feelings for anyone, so there would’ve been nothing to lose from trying. If only that were true- his life would be much easier if he wasn’t earth shatteringly in love with you. 

“Mm, maybe. But if months went by and I still didn’t, I would’ve felt scummy. Like I was stringing them along and giving them a false promise, y’know? And I don’t wanna be that guy,” Seungmin answers, keeping out the major detail of ‘I’m also impossibly in love with you and dating someone while being in love with your best friend is definitely frowned upon.’ “Wow. I think I respect you more after that,” you say and Seungmin scoffs, unable to hide the smile that breaks on his lips. “Gee, thanks. Glad to know you didn’t respect me before now.”

“Hey, I clearly said ‘respect you more!’ Meaning I did respect you, thank you very much,” you laugh. There’s a silence that follows when the giggling dies down and the smiles fade, with Seungmin looking at you carefully. Right. He’s here to be your fake boyfriend. Better get back to the quest at hand. “So.. I’m not actually gross, huh?” you ask, bringing the conversation back to where it began. “Only a little,” he teases, laughing when you grab a spare cushion to shove at him. 

“Stop being mean, I’m trying to be serious!” You whine as he tosses the cushion you shoved in his face to the floor. “Okay, okay,” Seungmin says, his expression softening as he looks at you. In reality, he thinks you’re perfect; but it’s much easier to tease and pretend you disgust him than to face how beautiful he thinks you are. But with how seriously you’re taking this entire thing, it seems he’s going to have to be more earnest with himself, and you, than he was prepared to be.

He really fucked himself over this time around.

"Theoretically.." you start, chewing on your lip before you continue, "Hypothetically-" "Those words mean the same thing," Seungmin can't help but interrupt, laughing as you shove him and tell him to 'shut the fuck up.' You hate him sometimes- fucking menace to your sanity, you swear. "Hypothetically," you continue when he's done laughing and you're sure he's ready to take you seriously, "assuming you're being honest and I'm not gross. Would you want to kiss me?"

Well. Guess there's no avoiding it now. It's time for the thing Seungmin fears most- some good, old fashioned honesty about his feelings. "Yes," is all he says; no further elaboration, no talk on whether or not this is still strictly in the realm of hypotheticals, or if he'd only be okay with it under some sort of condition being met. Just.. yes, he'd want to kiss you.. wants to kiss you. That's it.

You can’t believe how easily he conceded in the end; you wonder if another mean, teasing joke is inbound, or if he doesn’t quite get what you’re insinuating. "You know I mean on the lips right? Like.. an actual kiss?" You ask, wanting to ensure you're on the same page and he's not just thinking, like.. forehead or cheek kisses or something. All of which will still be part of this fake relationship, but still; better to make sure everything is clarified. "Yeah, I assumed that," he replies and you simply blink.

You're not sure why, but that does something to your heart. "And.. you're okay with that..?" "Yeah..? I thought we established I didn't mean it when I said you're gross. I was just teasing," he says plainly, as if the topic you're discussing is completely normal. Well, maybe that's the attitude you should have too- it's no big deal, right?

It's not that strange for two best friends to kiss, it happens all the time! And this was all your idea in the first place; you don't even understand why you feel so weird about it all of the sudden. Sure, not thinking you're gross and wanting to kiss you are two different things entirely, but you're thinking about it too hard.

Seungmin is just being a good friend to you. He's nonchalant about it because all of this is simple; it's supposed to be simple. Just one friend casually helping out another. If anything it's a relief he has no hang ups about it, right? It makes this whole thing easier! (The reality: he is not nonchalant. He is practically screaming inside over the idea of kissing you- you just don't know it.)

Blushing and heart twisting for reasons beyond your understanding, you opt to just take his hand in yours again instead, averting your eyes from him and training them off to the distance. Your bedroom walls are very interesting all of a sudden. "Maybe later," you mumble and he nods, relieved as he squeezes your hand. Yeah, maybe later. He doesn't think he's ready to fall for you even harder just yet anyways.

Weeks pass, and your fake relationship develops slowly but organically thanks to the Hwang's ball being further away still. You expected becoming "natural" in your relationship would take time, which is why you wanted to get a headstart on practicing being close. Your heart still stirs in unexpected moments, but mostly you feel comfortable, which is perfect.

Some awkwardness and shy closeness would be natural, but you can't appear stiff in front of Hyunjin if you want to pass as a genuine couple- the goal is for the relationship to look fresh, not forced. Due to this, you and Seungmin hold hands a lot these days. You like it, to be honest. It reminds you of all these thoughts and memories you hadn't lingered on in years. Of play dates and toothless smiles and laughing as you trip and tumble and grow dirty. You missed it.

You missed this too- cuddling, same as the hand holding. It's something you hadn't done since you were kids, and similarly, you couldn't remember the last time you had done it before now. You find yourself thinking it's a shame you ever stopped. You're currently laying against him, head on his shoulder while one of his arms is wrapped around your waist, legs tangled together on your obscenely large sofa while some movie you long since stopped paying attention to plays on your equally large tv.

You practiced calling each other petnames, but they all felt weird- in the end, the only thing that felt natural was sticking to calling each other stupid, idiot, asshole, brat.. And somehow hearing Seungmin call you a selfish brat before he hugs you with a smile makes your heart skip a beat these days. It doesn't make sense, but you don't let yourself dwell on it or think about it too hard- this is all for a purpose, and it's better to just leave it at that.

When you suggested trying out cuddling today, you didn’t expect your mind to go to so many complicated places. "Hey Minnie, do you remember the last time we cuddled like this?" you decide to ask him, tilting your head up to be able to catch a glimpse at him. "Yeah. We were 12," he answers easily, and you can just barely see this corner of his mouth lifted in a fond smile.

"Really?" you question and he tilts his head to look at you. He answered so quickly; no delay in the slightest, didn't even have to waste any time thinking on it or trying to remember- he just.. already knew. The instantaneous ease in which he responded surprises you as equally as it fills you with guilt.

"Of course. You don't remember?" he asks and pangs of guilt over not being able to remember yourself grow painfully. You never expected to feel so terrible over something so small. "Not really.." you answer with a frown; you wish you did, especially since Seungmin seems to have his own memory of your childhood closeness perfectly intact, but you simply.. don't remember.

"Gosh, I'm so hurt. You care for me so little," Seungmin teases, but all you can do is continue to frown. You can't bring yourself to hit him with a witty quip or joke that you hate him- because part of you worries that how inattentive you've been thus far would give rise to him one day believing your statements made to poke fun are how you truly feel. And right now you just honestly, truly feel bad.

His expression softens when he realizes you're genuinely saddened, assuming it's because he took the teasing too far by insinuating you don't care about him. In reality, it's not him you're upset with but yourself. And it stings to realize that maybe what he says isn't completely wrong- maybe you really have cared about him too little.

Maybe if you weren't so hyperfocused on love and romance with Hyunjin, you'd have realized sooner how much you put your friendship with Seungmin on the wayside. You wish you'd been a better friend. "It's to be expected actually,” Seungmin attempts to rectify his mistake in wording (though truly it's not his fault or a ‘mistake’- your guilt is your own, and all he did was unintentionally spark some much needed self reflection.) “You were sick as fuck and loaded on cough syrup."

"Oh!" You exclaim suddenly, a vague memory in the very back of your mind becoming clearer now. Just as Seungmin said, you were 12 and suffering from the worst cold you'd ever had in your entire life. You felt like you were dying and it was your own fault it happened; a blizzard had just passed, and you insisted on playing in the freshly fallen heaps of snow with your two best friends.

The lake near the castle had completely frozen over in the storm, and despite being repeatedly warned how unsafe it is to play on a frozen lake, you were just a kid who thought you were invincible. Every kid is overconfident and zealous, truly believing no harm or wrong can come to them until the world teaches them a lesson in humility- and that's exactly what happened that day.

You skated around on the frozen lake, paying no heed to any of the warnings you received, laughing and giggling without a care in the world even as you slipped and slid around on the slick surface of the ice. But eventually you fell, of course you did, it was ice- and the moment your weight collided with the surface of the lake, it cracked.

It's hard to remember what followed- all you really remember was how your whole body froze the minute it touched the icy water, as if all your limbs had become pure lead. But Seungmin was there, and Hyunjin too, and they pulled you out and got you back inside as fast as they were able. It honestly came as no surprise that you got sick following your unceremonious ice bath.

Seungmin and Hyunjin got a bit sick too, but their sniffles and slight coughs paled in comparison to your symptoms. Hyunjin's parents made him return home to shake off his cold, but Seungmin's didn't mind if he got over his slight cold with you in the castle. Even with the spark of clarity it's all still vague, but you can just remember it now- how Seungmin was glued to your side the entire rest of the week as your body tried to fight off the illness.

He was there when your attendants woke you to take your medicine, he was there when you drank your water and sipped your soup, he rubbed your back when you coughed and stroked your head when you complained that it hurt. He was.. sweet. The entire time. The usual Seungmin who teased and complained was nowhere to be seen, even when you unintentionally got snot on his shirt.

Instead, he was just sincerely caring. And he cuddled you, let you soak up all his warmth because no matter how many layers of blankets you were under and despite the constant fueling of the fire in your fireplace, you still felt so impossibly cold. "I remember now," you tell him and the smile you're met with stirs something within you.

Or maybe it's the memory of how sweet he can be when he's not being a jackass. Maybe it's how underneath his layers of teasing comments and sarcastic words, he's genuine. He remembers things, always remembers things, even when the moments are small and fleeting. And maybe it's how even when he complains or calls you a selfish brat, he'd still do anything for you.

Even now, years later, he's still just the same in that regard. Cares about you, would do anything for you, wants you happy even when your happiness causes him trouble and inconvenience. All his sarcasm and jokes at your expense will fade the minute you're genuinely unwell, he'll drop everything he's doing the minute you need him for something serious, because underneath his layers and walls he'll always be someone selfless and kind.

You sit up ever so slightly, just enough to get a clearer view of him while still tangled in his arms and legs. You breathe his name in a whisper, and his eyes dart around your face as he tries to figure out what you’re doing, what you’re thinking while looking at him so.. attentively. It makes him nervous when you look at him like that, makes him feel like you can see right through him and read his every thought, like he’s nothing but cellophane.

And you kiss him. You kiss him. Soft and chaste, your lips just barely pressed to his, but still he crumbles, his sandcastle heart caught by your wave. His weak heart pounds, his blood races through his veins, he blinks in surprise and still can't seem to find himself or formulate a thought even when you pull away. What even just happened?

"S-Sorry," you flush instantly as you turn your eyes away from Seungmin's heating face. You can't believe you just kissed your best friend like that. And like.. you fully expected to give Seungmin your first kiss as part of this whole charade, but it was supposed to be a moment that only happened after meticulous planning and mental preparation. This was undeniably, purely the heat of the moment.

"Uh, I.. it just.. felt right. For practice..?" you stumble as you try to formulate an excuse for your own unexpected actions. Yeah. It was for practice, that's all. You aren't in love with him- you love Hyunjin. What you felt when you kissed him just now was.. something else. That's what you tell yourself, because it's the only thing that makes sense.

"Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense," Seungmin utters quietly, sounding almost.. disappointed. You look at him again, and catch just a glimpse of sadness in his eyes before it fades completely, almost as if it was never there. And maybe it wasn't- maybe you're.. projecting, somehow? Do you want Seungmin to be sad that the kiss doesn't mean more?

You don't know. It's confusing. And you hate that you don't know why it's confusing, that you don't understand where all these conflicting thoughts and feelings are coming from and what they mean. You don't want to admit it, but maybe he was right; maybe this whole thing wasn't a good idea.

He sees the struggle on your face, but there's no way for him to know that it's due to confusion about your feelings, how you liked kissing him and how you don't know what that says about you or about your feelings- for him or for Hyunjin. Instead, he worries that you hated it, that kissing him filled you with disgust and regret and now you were trying to figure out how you can ever look at him again.

But you do look at him again, of course you do. And despite the confusion and the struggle from your complex, raging emotions, you meet his eyes softly. You reach for a hand and squeeze, and once again he feels like you see right through him, see all the ugly dread and guilt and sorrow that comes from being in love with you. You see him and he sees you, and though it's confusing and clearly disastrous, neither of you want to let it go just yet.

"Do you.. want to keep practicing..?" he asks hesitantly, a hint of hope in his unsteady voice. A hope he shouldn't have, a hope he feels you will sternly reject. But you don't. You smile at him, a timid one he thought only ever reserved for Hyunjin, and you nod. "Yeah, do you?" you ask, and all Seungmin replies with is a simple "yeah" of his own before your lips are on his again.

You kiss him and he kisses you, and sometimes it's awkward as you bump noses or ever so slightly miss and instead kiss the corner of his mouth, but in the end it all becomes natural, rhythmic, easy. Butterflies thrash in your stomach, your heart races, your face burns, his lips are soft and warm and perfect, and through it all, for the first time in all your years, you stop thinking about Hyunjin, and linger exclusively on Seungmin.

Kissing Seungmin makes you feel strange. It doesn't feel bad, nor wrong, or uncomfortable; but strange because of what it evokes in you. When he left for his guest room that night, and you had more time to think about what you’d done, you came to the conclusion that the butterflies would pass now that it was over. That you only felt them because kissing, regardless of it being with your best friend, was foreign and new. You thought that as you got used to kissing him, that deceitful fluttering in your stomach would gradually fade.

You expected that kissing him would become as second nature to you as holding hands, and eventually you’d feel.. maybe not nothing when kissing him, but certainly you wouldn't still be reactive. What has actually happened is rather the opposite; your heart skips a beat when he enters your room now, you unconsciously flush whenever he holds you closer, your stomach knots itself when he smiles following a kiss. 

He smiles a lot more these days; or maybe you only perceive it that way because part of you wants it to mean something more than it does. That’s what frustrates you most of all; no matter how much you tell yourself it’s just practice, that this means nothing to either of you and is only a means to an end, you find yourself struggling to come to peace with that idea. Confusion and guilt eat at you, complex feelings and emotions you didn’t even know you had rising to the surface one after the next, protesting being ignored and making themselves acutely known. 

There’s a question that burns in the back of your mind, something you’re scared to confront but know you must before this is over- is your love for Hyunjin genuine or superficial? Do you love him the way a lover truly would, or do you love the idea of being with him? The idea that your romance would be a picture perfect fairytale, because he’s a prince and you’re a princess and those two things just naturally go together.

Perhaps your understanding of love is inherently naive and flawed; perhaps all these years spent pining, you were chasing an ideal rather than a person. But misguided though it may be, your love for Hyunjin has to be true; because apart from being one of your best friends, he’s objectively perfect for you. Seungmin is rough and jagged, while Hyunjin is polished and smooth. Though more tempered and refined than yourself, Hyunjin matches your flair for the dramatic, while Seungmin is oppositely rooted firmly in reality. Where Hyunjin is elegant words and gentle smiles, Seungmin is sarcasm and rolled eyes.

But that’s not entirely true, you know it isn’t; because while Seungmin is indeed sarcastic and mean and sometimes rough around the edges, he’s also gentle and sincere and passionate. He doesn’t show that softness within as easily as Hyunjin does, he's built up walls as he grew older for reasons that you couldn't begin to understand, but maybe that’s what makes it more special when he does let them fall, how you know he truly means it when he does something kind. His sweet smiles carry far more weight and depth than you ever stopped to realize.

“You okay? What’s up with you today?” Seungmin asks, careful but with a hint in his voice that he’s ready to tease depending on how you respond. Right. The reason you called him over today. You chew your lip as you look at him, and you know he’s been able to tell all day that something was off with you. You wanted to call this whole thing off, if you’re being honest; tell him you realized he was right, he’s always right, and this was a terrible idea that you shouldn’t have dragged him into. 

But the moment you faced him you lost all your nerve. Your mouth ran dry, the words lodged themselves in your throat, and you couldn’t bring yourself to speak them. It’s so fucking selfish, but you realized that without this fake relationship keeping you together, the distance between you would return. Once the charade is over, he’ll go back to hardly ever returning your touch, to emotional walls stacked so high you fear you could never climb them, to strained smiles and equally strained words. 

You’re not sure why Seungmin is more open these days; maybe intimacy and closeness, no matter the cause and regardless of lack of romantic intent attached to them, is enough to naturally break down a person’s barriers. You don’t even know why he has barriers, why he shields himself from you so strongly when you’re his best friend, but now that you’ve experienced him without his walls you don’t want to go back. You’re terrible and selfish and it’s hardly a justification to keep your fake relationship going, but still..

“Are you getting nervous?” he tries again; the ball is approaching quickly now, and he suspects maybe you’re off because you fear your performance as a couple won’t be good enough, that maybe you won’t be as believable as you need to be. You want to tell him he’s probably right, that it’s just nerves and you’ll get over it and everything will be fine with the moment comes, but you know that’s not all there is to it. 

It feels so stupid looking back on how excitedly you chose a new dress for the occasion, planned how you’d match with Seungmin and parade yourself on his arm and bat your eyelashes at him while calling him the sweetest names you could come up with, all so Hyunjin would look on and maybe get jealous. You didn’t listen when Seungmin warned you it was a bad idea, didn’t entertain the truth that Hyunjin would likely be a good friend and not intervene, didn’t want to acknowledge how tunnel-visioned and selfish the fairytale romance you pursued made you. 

You kissed him, held his hands, and hugged him close and cuddled him tight, and your heart ached and stomach fluttered and you ignored every blaring alarm in your brain because the ends were supposed to justify the means. And now you’re going to ruin not just one friendship, but two; because you don’t know how you’re going to face either of them when it all inevitably crashes and burns.

“I just.. aren’t I being really selfish? You told me this was stupid but I didn’t listen and now I feel like I’m taking advantage of you,” you blurt it all out, watch as his eyebrows furrow and his expression changes. You don’t quite know what he feels; regret, frustration, exasperation..? All of them would be perfectly justified. You swallow and you clench your hands into fists and you finally make a selfless decision, one you should’ve made before all these weeks passed you by and you became attached to a version of your best friend you were never supposed to have. “We should stop.” 

Seungmin looks.. almost hurt, before he lets out a laugh; you can’t tell if it’s based in self-deprecation, irony, annoyance, or something even further beyond what you can understand from him. “I agreed to this,” he says, grabbing your arm and making you look at him again when you try to turn away and avoid his gaze, “I wanted- want to help you. You know that, right? I know I can be difficult sometimes but I’d never lie about that.”

Maybe you are terribly selfish and maybe you are taking advantage of him and maybe his heart will shrivel and die the moment this ends, but he doesn’t fucking care. He can be selfish too and his selfishness makes him want to hold on for as long as he can, even if it’s fake, even if you never love him; pretending to is enough, it’s all he needs. “That’s the problem though, isn’t it? You’re so selfless and I just..” you trail off; you don’t know what more you can bring yourself to say. 

He’s difficult, he’s frustrating, and he’s mean, but he’s not cruel. You know how sweet he actually is, how much he’d sacrifice for you if you asked him too, and it’s time you stopped relying on him for stupid shit like this and dragging him into your petty, dumb, naive problems and grow up a little. Stop being the selfish princess you were raised to be and start being someone worthy of Seungmin’s unwavering friendship instead. You’d never intentionally hurt him, but the problem is you probably have- countless times that you probably aren’t even conscious of because your self reflection has come just a little too late.

You started this whole thing because the idea of losing Hyunjin made your heart ache; but the idea of losing Seungmin, that knowledge that you’ve very likely taken and hurt and been a terrible friend for years doesn’t just make your heart ache- it rips it out entirely. It’s weird, considering them both best friends but realizing how different those friendships actually worked- and how losing Seungmin as a friend is far more gutting than losing a potential lover in Hyunjin. 

And you know Seungmin would never hate you, would call you selfish or stupid or annoying but would absolutely never actually think badly of you, and that makes it all the worse. Seungmin wears a mask for you, you know it’s true even if you want to deny it; but the mask he wears is cracked, the paint is worn, and knowing it could all be your fault makes you feel impossibly anguished and sick. 

Seungmin frowns and lets you look away, though he still hesitates to let you go. He does though, eventually, and he falls to his back on your bed with a sigh. “You don’t need to worry about me, this is all fine, I’m fine,” he says but you don’t entirely trust him. He’s too stubborn and selfless to admit you’ve ever hurt him, knows it would gut you to realize what you’ve done to him and so chooses to say nothing about it at all. Because regardless of the boundary of friend and lover and where you both lie in between those words, he loves you- not that you feel you deserve it. 

This isn’t entirely your fault either- he gave in way too easily. He knew it was a bad idea and he should’ve been more stern, made you see reason even if it made you cry and pout and whine for hours on end. He knows you're selfish and spoiled and a little naive when it comes to what romance means but he didn’t do anything to genuinely shut you down- because beneath it all, he’s just as selfish as you, and he wanted to be your boyfriend for a just a little while, even if being your boyfriend meant nothing. 

His walls are down but he’s still not being completely honest, you know he isn’t. The mask is back on but the cracks have grown, exposing more of the real Seungmin beneath, and he can’t hide himself away as easily as he used to- because now you’ve seen them. The cracks, the imperfections, the instability. And you’ve taken them all in, deduced that they’re your fault, and you won’t let it go- because that’s what stubborn people like you do. You pick and you prod and you poke, until something bends or breaks and you finally get the result you want. 

But what do you want? To stop playing pretend? For Seungmin to admit that yeah, you have hurt him sometimes- not that he blames you. He knows it wasn’t ever once intentional, and he was never going to hold anything against you or leave you behind. Or maybe you want him to admit he’s in love with you, and that he’s just as fucking hopelessly in love with you as you are with Hyunjin, and that love he feels foolishly allowed for things to get way farther than they should have. 

You look at him hesitantly, the way he’s fallen onto your bed, his shirt ridden half up his stomach from the fall and the way his caramel colored hair fans out around him. He’s beautiful and despite everything you’ve just said, you want to crawl on his lap and kiss him. You try to blink the thought away, to scrub your mind clean from thoughts you shouldn’t be having. 

He sees the way your eyes linger on his lips, how you internally struggle between what you think you should and shouldn’t do, how even now you are trying to spare him when he doesn’t need to be spared. Consume him whole, eat away at him until there’s nothing left, he doesn’t fucking care- he just wants you, even if it’s temporary, even if you throw him away in the end in favor of someone better. Not if, he has to remind himself, but when- because it’s inevitable, because you’ll never love him as more than a friend.

Seungmin reaches out to you, is close to touching you, but just as he used to, he hesitates before he drops his hand. The distance returns, and that should be a good thing; it hurts, but isn’t it what’s right? You don’t.. You’re not in love with him. You can’t be- you just.. value him as a friend and don’t want to do anything to strain your friendship anymore than you already have. Everything you feel is confusing and weird and you don't know what to do with what you have now. 

What to do with your urge to be closer to him, or the way you blush when he smiles and calls you names, or how the content sighs he lets out while kissing and cuddling makes your stomach do flips. How the way he unconsciously squeezes you tighter fills you with butterflies or how the way his hands linger before you begin to separate makes you want to go crawling back to his open arms. 

And there’s the impure thoughts- the ones you’ve never even had about Hyunjin despite being in love with him. The ones you have when you see his shirt ridden up like it is now, or how those sighs when you kiss him would sound if you took things just a step further. You used to daydream about pure things like sharing a romantic dance or being given flowers on an anniversary- now your thoughts linger on things like Seungmin’s tongue in your mouth and his hand between your thighs. Things you definitely shouldn’t be daydreaming about if you’re as in love with Hyunjin as you say you are. 

You suck in a trembling breath and again try to push the thoughts you shouldn’t have away. Seungmin’s expression is contemplative and gentle, full of a care you don’t deserve. It’s no surprise he can read you like an open book, can tell you’re more upset about this than you should be. It should be a comfort that this charade is coming to an end, but all you feel is sharp, stinging guilt and unbearable pain in your chest. Your eyes burn and you feel as if you’re going to cry, but how terrible would that be? 

It would almost feel manipulative to cry in front of him now, after having put all that effort into trying to go back to normalcy. You’re so frustrated with yourself, so impossibly frustrated; you squeeze your clenched fists, your nails dig into your palms, your tears threaten to spill and you look away from Seungmin before they do. Because he’ll comfort you, and that’s not what you deserve. Obviously he knows, it’s not like you can hide it very well, but he doesn’t say anything. 

Instead, he reaches out again- and this time, he doesn’t stop himself or hesitate. The distance you’ve put between you has already closed. He pulls you down to him, makes you fall against his chest, your head winding up somewhere between his heart and his shoulder. You can still hear it from your position above it, and the steady thumping soothes you. “The ball is soon,” he says quietly, “we can.. go as planned, and then decide what will happen with us after. If you still want to stop after that, it’s okay. Just.. don’t give up too soon.” 

You can tell he’s trying to sound sure of himself, but he’s just as lost in all this as you are. And though you still feel rattled with guilt and uncertainty, you nod. You trust Seungmin, and you may as well see this fake relationship through to the end- and the Hwang ball is where you meet that end, one way or another. “Okay..” you mumble, chest tight and stomach knotted with guilt, but you do your best not to spiral again, to trust Seungmin’s word when he says you haven’t done wrong by him. 

He calls your name and you look up at him expectantly. His mouth opens, he goes to speak, but whatever he wants to say is swallowed back down, and is instead replaced with something more familiar. “You’re.. really annoying,” he whispers before he kisses you, and there’s a relief that spreads through your veins. “Asshole,” you whisper back and you feel him smile, the comfortable normalcy returning even in this situation that is anything but normal. 

You’re both stupid and stubborn and there’s no way this ends without someone having a broken heart, but for now it’s okay. For now, it’s all Seungmin needs; to be close to you and touch you and hold you and know that you were his, for however brief and false a time it may have been.

“Do you think we should share a guest room to make this more believable?” you mumble while walking through the halls of the Hwang Castle, hand intertwined with Seungmin’s while he carries both his luggage and your own. Hyunjin obviously prepared your rooms separately as you haven’t announced your relationship to him yet- not that it’s going to last much longer anyways. Whether you end up with Hyunjin by night's end or not, your fake relationship with Seungmin can’t proceed beyond this. 

“I dunno,” Seungmin replies, though your question was more absentminded musing than a genuine question you were expecting to have answered by him. “Maybe? Technically speaking, we’ve been “dating” for a couple months now. It’d probably be normal.” You hum and contemplate his answer for a moment before you look at Seungmin with a smile. “Let’s share my room then! Hyunjin always gives me the biggest room available.” 

“I fucking knew it,” Seungmin says in faux-exasperation as you giggle. He always felt like his guest rooms were smaller than yours; and he doesn't actually care, but it's fun to act like it bothers him, and it's even better to hear you laugh. “Spoiled brat. Still need luxury even when you’re in someone else’s place, huh?”

“Naturally. What kind of princess would I be if I didn’t get the best of everything?” He rolls his eyes despite the way a smile tugs on his lips and a laugh threatens to break. You turn a hall, and finally your guest rooms begin to come into sight- you've been to Hyunjin's place enough to know the layout, but it still doesn't make getting to the guest hall any less of a trek.

Seungmin unlinks your hands when you approach the double doors of the castle's best guest room, fumbling in his pocket for the keys you were given for just a moment before he finds the right one. He unlocks the door, walks inside with you and sets your luggage down in the corner of the room before turning to look at you. “You sure you want me to stay? I don’t mind going to my own room,” Seungmin offers and you quickly shake your head- maybe a little too quickly, but you won’t acknowledge how eager for him to stay you seem. 

“Well, I’ll probably need help getting ready,” you say; an excuse, sure, but it’s reasonable at least. But what about after that? When the ball is over and so too is your act, regardless of whether you get results with Hyunjin or not- would Seungmin still stay? Would you want him to stay? You think you would; you don’t know what that means or what it says about you, but it’s honestly what you’d want.

“If you’re sure, don’t mind if I make myself comfortable then,” Seungmin says as he flops himself on the extravagant guest bed. There’s still a couple of hours until the ball, and since he won’t take nearly as long getting ready as you, he decides it’s a good idea to get in a short nap. Traveling always makes him tired, after all- especially when he’s going from your castle all the way to Hyunjin’s. He yawns and stretches out before he closes his eyes, and your eyes linger on him fondly for a moment before you turn to where Seungmin set your luggage. 

You rummage through your bags for everything you need to get ready; toiletries, makeup, your dress- you collect them all in your arms and carry them to the attached bathroom. You spend a fair amount of time in the shower, going over every skincare step meticulously and making sure you’re as soft as can be- not that it matters, really, since nothing is going to happen but.. You feel more confident in yourself after going through the motions. You’re careful and methodical in the application of your makeup too; you can’t rush if you want to look perfect.

You hold your dress up to your body and imagine briefly how you’ll look in it while standing in front of the large, ornate mirror. That’s the downside to ordering online- you have no idea how the dress will actually fit you, but you hope you’ll look nice. Nerves hit you again as you look at yourself, but you swallow them down the best you can as you lie the dress on the sink counter. You don’t know what you’re hoping for tonight anymore- whether you want Hyunjin to see you with Seungmin and get jealous, or if you want him to think you are a sweet couple and support you sincerely. 

It doesn’t matter either way; nothing about this is genuine. And you’re not sure if you can be happy with yourself if Hyunjin is jealous and realizes he likes you over a lie. But you’ve come this far, you’re already here and Seungmin has reassured you over and over again that this is something he thinks you should see through, so.. That’s all you have left to do. Just see it through until the end. 

Getting your underwear on, and then carefully slipping on your dress- here is where you need Seungmin’s help. It’s near impossible for you to pull up the zipper that lies along the spine of your dress, even if you stretch and reach behind you as far as your arm can go. Holding a hand to your chest so that the dress doesn’t slip back down your body, you carefully open the bathroom door and peek outside into the main room.

You weren’t sure if Seungmin really fell asleep after you’d left him alone in the room, but peeking out now, you can tell that he has. He’s in the same position on the bed as when you left him, his eyes serenely closed and breathing steady. You call his name, but he doesn’t react; so you try once more, raising your voice this time, but you’re still met with nothing in response. You step out of the bathroom and up to the bed cautiously, and you make one last effort to wake him by calling his name just in case.

It doesn’t work, of course; you didn’t really think it would anyways if you’re being honest, but it didn’t hurt to try. You cautiously reach out to his shoulder, and do your best to rouse him awake while still holding your dress up with your other hand. Seungmin slowly blinks awake, mumbling something you can’t decipher as his senses slowly return to reality one by one.

He blinks a few times more, processing the sight before him; you leaning towards him, your dress loosely covering your body with the support of the hand not placed on his shoulder. He refuses to let his eyes linger on the image of your barely concealed cleavage before him, instead putting all of his effort into looking back up to your face. "Need my help now?" he correctly assumes, and you nod as you straighten back up.

Seungmin sits up from the bed, watches you as you turn to return to the bathroom, expecting him to follow. He does his best to ignore what the sight of your exposed skin does to him; the only reason he has this view is because you trust him and view him as a best friend- he really can't afford to be having any impure thoughts about you. (A little late for that in all honesty, but he'll atone for it later.)

The door is wide open, but he knocks on the doorframe to announce himself before he steps through- a sign of respect and decency. "Thanks," you smile at him briefly as he steps inside the bathroom and takes his place behind you. "I can't zip it up on my own," you explain, and yeah, he can see that clearly; the bottom of the zipper lies on your tailbone, your panties ever so slightly peeking in the v-shape the zipper creates with the two sides of your dress.

He swallows and pretends he doesn't notice, instead looking to where the zipper ends just around your shoulder blades. “Do you think Hyunjin will think I look good?” you can’t help but ask as Seungmin’s hand falls to your zipper, slowly pulling it up. It gives you goosebumps- not the cold zipper on your skin, but the way his hand feels just over your spine, running along it as he zips up your dress.

You're not sure what reply you hope to hear; maybe it's a question with no right answer. “If he’s smart, he will,” Seungmin answers; he’d have to be an idiot not to. “You’re beautiful." You flush as you look at him in the mirror, standing behind you but not at all obscured thanks to your smaller frame. 

You know he means it- he teases and he pretends, but he’d never lie about something like that. You already know that to be true; he’s said it himself- that the thing’s he says with a serious tone are the things he really means. He’s not looking at you, his eyes fixed on your back until he’s finished with the zipper, ignoring the way the hooks of your bra stare back at him until your dress closes and they are obscured from his sight, the way they should be.

He finally meets your gaze again when he’s done, meeting your eyes through the reflection of the mirror. Your face feels impossibly hot, and you hope he thinks the pink on your face is from the makeup you applied as opposed to the real blush it is. You still have things to do- put on your accessories, fix-up and style your hair, put on your prettiest pair of heels, but even without all that flashy glamor added on, Seungmin already thinks you’re radiant as can be.

Though he’s done with the zipper, his hand hasn’t left your back yet, and neither of you have broken the gaze you keep in the mirror. There’s a moment where you think he’ll turn you around and kiss you, or that you’ll kiss him; and truly, he wants to, but he shouldn’t. This night is supposed to be about you and Hyunjin, and you don’t need the ‘practice’ anymore- it was only ever an excuse to begin with. 

He clears his throat as he lets you go, and you turn your gaze away from the mirror, swallowing down all your feelings and nerves as you rummage through your bag for the accessories you brought with you. “It won’t take me much longer to get ready,” you say as you continue to rummage through your bag- you found what you need, but taking it out means having to meet Seungmin’s gaze, and you’re not ready to do that again just yet.

“Right, I should get ready too,” Seungmin mumbles mostly to himself as he turns to leave. You don’t look up from your bag, even as he lingers in the doorway. You can tell he stopped to look at you, you can feel his eyes observing you, but still you don’t glance up at him. “Yeah, not much time left ‘til we gotta go,” you say, and he responds with a simple, quiet ‘yeah’ before he fully walks out into the main room. 

There’s a sense of dread that lingers- both of you having a similar feeling weighing on your hearts, while ironically thinking you feel it all by yourself, that the other person doesn’t possibly feel the same way. A situation that would easily be mended by communication, but the gap between what you perceive to be true, and the real truth is not so easily crossed. The metaphoric rope that connects you and Seungmin together is frayed, and you worry that an uncomfortable conversation will cause that connection to completely snap. 

So you swallow your feelings once more, you put on your earrings and style your hair, and you realign your focus. You can’t keep thinking about what your affection for Seungmin means or why the thought of this ending tonight weighs on you so heavily. You’re close to getting what you’ve been working for, and that should be where your thoughts linger- on Hyunjin. The best friend you’ve always thought you had feelings for, the one you believed yourself to be in love with. 

Stepping inside the ballroom with Seungmin is utterly nerve wracking; it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, the moment that 3 months of fake relationship practice were leading up to. This is where you show your best performance, where you parade around on Seungmin’s arm and look at him with the best heart eyes you can muster. Not that it’s a hard task, these days- you find yourself doing it without even thinking about it. 

You.. like him, if you had to guess. But do you like him more than you thought you liked Hyunjin? You guess that’s the answer you’re really trying to find tonight. You never thought it’s where you’d be today when you first conjured up this plan, there was no way to anticipate how much your newfound closeness with Seungmin would affect the feelings you thought you were so sure of. 

It’s natural to be confused, isn’t it? Surely anyone would be in this scenario; you can’t kiss and hug and cuddle someone for so long and feel nothing, right? And it’s your own fault, you can’t blame anyone but yourself for the predicament you’ve found yourself in. You reap what you sow, as your grandmother likes to say. “Don’t be so on edge, everything’ll work out,” Seungmin leans to whisper in your ear. 

You’ve been so tense ever since you left the guest room together- half nervous to see Hyunjin again after months and half ‘oh my god why does Seungmin look so good tonight.’ As if it wasn’t enough that you were confused about your feelings, Seungmin had to come out looking so devastatingly handsome in his perfectly tailored suit and neatly slicked hair. “Yeah, you’re right, sorry,” you respond and he shakes his head, offers a reassuring smile before he looks around the room.

“He’s around here somewhere, we’ll see him soon enough,” Seungmin says as his eyes continue to scan the packed ballroom. Oh, that makes sense- he thinks you’re tense because you haven’t run into Hyunjin yet. If things were the same as a few months ago, you think that may have been true. Now.. you’re not really sure what’s true. Hyunjin will see you as a couple and he’ll either silently rage with envy or beam with joy for his two best friends- and you don’t know which outcome is the one you want anymore. 

“Oh, I think I see him,” Seungmin mutters to you, and discreetly points in the direction he thinks he’s found your other best friend. You see him now too, standing near the balconies looking bored out of his mind, champagne glass in hand. He’s not looking at anything in particular, just vaguely observing his surroundings while occasionally sipping from his drink- probably hoping you two will show up soon and save him from his boredom. 

You take a breath, wrap your arms around Seungmin's own arm and squeeze it close to your chest. “Now or never,” you mutter and he nods, steeling himself for the penultimate moment just as do. “Hyunjin!” you call from across the hall, dragging Seungmin along with you as you half-sprint up to him, your designer heels loudly clanking on the marble floor. Hyunjin returns your smile when he spots you, and laughs when he sees Seungmin practicly scowling as he’s dragged along- it’s classic, really; you always do things like this to them. Just strong arm them along everywhere you want to go, through everything you want to do. 

“Hey! I’m glad you both made it, it’s been forever,” Hyunjin smiles as you complete your approach. He feels bad he hasn’t seen either of his best friends in months, but royal duties and all.. It kept him very unfortunately occupied. He looks at you both inquisitively when you don’t let go of Seungmin’s arm or untangle yourself from him- normally you would have by now, having reached the destination you wanted to drag him to. It’s.. curious, to say the least. 

Your hand goes from being wrapped around Seungmin and holding his arm, to intertwining your fingers as you hold his hand. Hyunjin raises a brow, but says nothing- he’ll wait for one of you to clear up what he’s thinking. “Mhm, we’ve been waiting to see you in person to tell you something important!” you say as you squeeze Seungmin’s hand, shooting him your best lovey dovey look before you bring your gaze back to Hyunjin. 

Seungmin wants to sigh and roll his eyes and call you dumb for looking at him like that, but he bites his tongue. It’s the last time you’ll ever shoot him with that look of pure puppy love, and it’s best not to ruin it by defaulting to his usual personality; cherish it while you have it, as they say. “Well spit it out then, don’t keep me on the edge of my seat,” Hyunjin’s smile grows, looking between the two of you with eager anticipation to hear the confession that lingers on your tongue. 

Hyunjin’s positive reaction deters you a little; surely he can see that you’re clinging to Seungmin to an unusual degree, but he doesn’t seem to react to it negatively at all- not even minutely. There’s no subtle furrow of the brow, no flash of sadness in his eyes that gets replaced by forced happiness, no twitch in his hands from jealousy or frustration. Seungmin was right, as always- Hyunjin is just going to be a good friend. He won’t have a single negative thing to say. 

“W-Well, we.. uh-” you stumble on your words, and curse yourself for floundering at the most pivotal moment. This is what everything you’ve done has been leading up to, you can’t falter now.. and yet, you are. You look at Seungmin and your grip on his hand tightens, panic unwittingly settling in as a lump forms in your throat. He flashes you a look of sympathy, squeezes your hand in a subtle show of comfort, before he turns away from your gaze to look at Hyunjin. 

He doesn’t like it, but he’ll take the lead from here- for your sake. “We’re dating,” he says as confidently and smoothly as he can bring himself to. He lets go of your hand and wraps his arm around your waist, pulls you closer for added effect, sincerely tries his best to spark the jealousy he knew you wanted to see. But Hyunjin doesn’t look jealous, or sad, or even angry. He just looks.. happy. 

“Gosh, finally! Congrats! I always knew you two would end up together,” Hyunjin grins and gives Seungmin a friendly pat on the shoulder. You blink as you stare between them. Huh..? Finally? What does that mean? Even Seungmin is taken aback, and mirrors what you were internally thinking. Unlike you, his utterly shocked ‘huh?’ comes out verbally. “Yeah, I always saw the way you were looking at her, Minnie. You were so obvious, I knew it was only a matter of time,” Hyunjin says with enthusiastic joy that sends you completely off kilter.

What the fuck. You feel like your entire world has been flipped upside down. What does he mean he always saw the way Seungmin looked at you? How did he look at you..? How does he look at you? Hyunjin’s puzzled now as he looks between you both; you look like your entire sense of reality has been shifted, while Seungmin looks positively mortified. “Sorry, uh- did he not mention that when he confessed?” Hyunjin asks, and then shit- maybe you were the one who confessed.

Seungmin is stubborn and aloof in his cool persona, he's the type to avoid saying what he really thinks by using teasing words, will only look at you softly when he thinks no one else is looking his way.. Hyunjin can easily imagine that he has yet to admit the true depth of his secret pining, or confessed how much he actually likes you. He feels bad for outing Seungmin if that’s the case. 

“My bad, I assumed you knew since you’re dating now and all,” he laughs a bit awkwardly while shooting Seungmin a sympathetic look. One that’s meant to say ‘sorry for blowing your stubborn, cool-guy persona.’ It’s just.. Hyunjin thought it was as obvious to you as it was to him. The way his hard expression would soften the minute you smiled at him, how he’d laugh when you’d banter back after he said something teasing and mean, how his eyes would always linger on even if there were countless other people in the room.. Wasn’t it obvious he liked you this entire time? 

“I guess I’m just surprised to hear you call it out,” you try to recover from the blatant shock, play it off as something different than it is- as if you knew all along, and you’re just surprised that Hyunjin knew too. Hyunjin chuckles a little, looking a bit more relieved after your statement. “Sorry if I ruined the illusion of Seungmin being the cool, aloof type. He’s actually a big softie, but I guess you’ve realized that by now,” he smiles. 

“Yeah I, uh- I’ve realized that,” you smile back, a bit tensely, but a smile nonetheless, “That’s what I like about him.” Seungmin, still trying to recover from his own world being flipped upside down, finally looks at you again. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to recover from this wildly unexpected turn in the conversation. Still realizing he has his hand on your waist, and unsure where you now stand and whether or not this is appropriate or okay anymore, he hesitantly lets you go. 

You hold his hand when he does, but it doesn’t feel like solace or consolation the way it normally would. Not hollow, or empty, but just.. not full of the same warmth it normally carries. He’s so impossibly anxious and scared- that you’re furious with him, that you’ll cut him off when the night is over, that you’ll accuse him of sabotaging this whole thing by agreeing to be your pretend boyfriend when he had very real feelings for you. 

In reality you just feel terrible about yourself and what you’ve caused. You already felt bad before the night began, and now you feel even worse- you never would’ve asked Seungmin to do this if you'd known he had feelings for you. And now his feelings were called out in the worst way possible, and you don’t think you’ll ever scrub how mortified Seungmin looked in that moment from your memory. And it was entirely your fault. 

He should’ve been allowed the chance to tell you on his own terms, and you ruined that chance. You probably also ruined any chance at having a normal relationship with him if you wanted one- because how do you recover from the humiliation of being called out on something you thought was a well guarded secret, right in front of the very person that secret was about. This entire time, he’s liked you, maybe even loved you, and you undeniably hurt him. 

He tried to deter you, he told you this wouldn’t work and he tried to resist but you pressed and pushed and prodded until he gave in. And while you could argue some of his acts were not entirely selfless, as you’re sure he must’ve enjoyed kissing you and being close to you knowing what you do now, how could you blame him for indulging in a love with someone he wanted to be with while expecting, believing, knowing, it would come to an end when you got what you wanted. 

All those years you spent pining over Hyunjin, Seungmin spent them pining over you, and he just listened, he took it in, and he never stopped supporting you, not even once. Even tonight, when it was probably breaking his heart to do so, he tried his best to reassure you, he tried to make Hyunjin jealous on your behalf.. And he complained, sure he did, but it was more part of the usual banter between you two than jealousy or hurt. At least, that’s what you always thought it was.. You never imagined there’d be anything more hiding beneath the surface. 

You should’ve known, though. It should’ve been obvious- how can you call yourself Seungmin’s best friend and not have realized? And it’s not that you missed the signs because you were willfully ignorant, but you were so tunnel-visioned, selfish, and absorbed that you never stopped to notice any of the changes. It wasn’t even until recently that you realized how much a wall he’d put up, how much he’d forced distance between you..

It makes sense, in hindsight; that it wasn’t for your sake that he stopped doing certain things and acting certain ways, but his own. While you were watching Hyunjin like a hawk for any sign that he might like you, you missed all the signs Seungmin left. You never noticed a single thing, and being reminded of how selfishly you’d spent the teenage years of your friendship makes your heart ache terribly.

“Hey uh, sorry to cut this short but.. I think Seungmin’s feeling embarrassed. Might be in need of a reset, y’know?” you say, trying to come across as a happy girlfriend stealing the chance to tease her boyfriend while also still having his best interest at heart. You look at Seungmin, try to offer him reassurance despite the situation, but he doesn’t look back at you. He’s facing Hyunjin, but he doesn’t look at him either, not really. It feels like he’s far away, somewhere distant that you can’t reach, busy reconstructing all the walls he’d let fall away, trying to build them back up as high as he can in preparation for the heartbreak he’s soon to face. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin smiles, giving his full blessing, “just come find me again later! I’d rather be a third wheel with you two lovebirds than listen to my father drone on about tax management again.” You giggle a bit and nod, waving him goodbye and forcing Seungmin out of his haze by dragging him away with you. You glance around as you push through the crowd for a private space to talk- your guest room is much too far away and the tension while going back would likely be too much for either of you to bear; better to find somewhere nearby to have this conversation. 

You fail to make it to a room after exiting the ballroom; Seungmin stops in the middle of the hallway, preventing you from dragging him along, and you’re forced to let him go and turn around to look at him. He’s pained and lost but he tries to bring himself back to the aloof persona he once had mastered, to not show how hurt and afraid he is right now. But the cracked mask that is his cool facade has splintered irreparably, and you can only see him for who he really is now. 

“Sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted. Sucks, and I know you must be hurt, but don’t give up, you can still try again, maybe there’s something else you haven’t thought of yet, you can-” Seungmin speaks in a quick ramble, not even acknowledging the massive elephant in the room- his feelings for you. “Seungmin,” you cut him off with a frown, and he’s hesitant to meet your gaze; he doesn’t know what he’ll be met with, and try as he might to reconstruct himself back to the person he was before this whole thing started, he knows deep down it’d be in vain. 

Your friendship has been irrevocably changed, and to pretend otherwise would be futile. Still, he can’t stop himself from trying- it’s all he can think to do. “You have feelings for me,” you state it plainly, and Seungmin swallows but says nothing. Doesn’t confirm, nor deny, because both options seem fucking terrible if he’s honest. Denying it is pointless and would just be a blatant lie, and confirming, making it clear that he agreed to be your fake boyfriend despite his feelings for you.. He doesn’t know how that makes him look.

In Seungmin’s head, you’ll either view him as pathetic or as a saboteur, and neither is ideal. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? If I’d known I’d never have..” He scoffs at your sentiment and looks at you incredulously. “And why would I have? You’ve been obsessed with Hyunjin for years. And I’m supposed to tell you how I feel? Be serious, Y/N, there’s no way I could’ve ever told you. And even if I had, you would’ve rejected me, so what would’ve been the point?” 

“I-” you want to say that’s not true, that you wouldn’t have rejected him or broken his heart, but who are you kidding? It absolutely fucking is. It hurts to hear it this way, but he isn’t wrong about any of it. Still, just because he’s right, that doesn’t mean you’re entirely wrong either. Even if you’d have rejected him, surely he still should’ve been honest with you? You’d never have done this if you’d known. 

You made mistakes, but so did he.. right? You know you've been selfish for way too long, but you're not the kind of person to intentionally hurt a friend. You never would've dragged Seungmin through the mud just to get what you want, and the fact that he hid his feelings and allowed himself to be hurt just to make you happy.. That's not the kind of thing you want him to do.

Your friendship shouldn't be built on Seungmin's self-sacrifice, he shouldn't allow himself to be second place just to make you and Hyunjin happy. To be selfless is a virtue, but too much can leave him with nothing, and that's been your concern since the day you realized how selfish you've been. You realized that Seungmin will give, and give, and give, and he'll never ask you for anything in return. But that’s not what friendship and love should be built upon. Surely he understands that you never wanted this- for your best friend to offer himself up as your emotional martyr.

And with the confusion of your feelings compounding on it, the realization that maybe it’s Seungmin who you love while your infatuation with Hyunjin was hardly more than a fairytale childhood crush- how are you supposed to live with yourself after causing unspeakable heartache to him? And would he even believe you if you told him that you love him? You don’t even know if you can believe yourself.

He sees how hurt you are, the confusion and the guilt and the sorrow, and the anger that grew within him instantly deflates. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped you, I just- I need to be alone,” Seungmin mutters his apology and walks briskly past you, towards the direction of the guest hall.

You call to him, but he doesn’t stop or turn around, and you don’t follow. You want to, but you know you should respect that he needs time to himself; he has a lot to process, as you’re sure you do too. You owe it to him, yourself, and even Hyunjin, to sort out your feelings too.

Seungmin didn't see you or Hyunjin again that night, couldn't bring himself to keep playing the pretend boyfriend after every thing that happened. He went to your guest room for his stuff, isolated himself in his own room for the remainder of the evening, leaving the door to your room unlocked and the key resting on the desk so you could get in and out without having to speak with him.

He felt bad about it, but he just couldn't face you again; it was too difficult. Apparently, you returned to the ballroom alone and told Hyunjin the truth. Seungmin knows because he woke up in the middle of the night to countless texts from Hyunjin- apologizing, saying he didn't know, offering his condolences and to be there for him. It fucking sucked, made him feel like even more of a pathetic loser.

You told Hyunjin the truth because it felt like the right thing to do following what happened; he would've known eventually anyways, so it felt better to rip the band-aid off right away. And you confessed a lot more than just that; you told Hyunjin everything. About how this whole thing started, about your confusion on how you felt now, about how terribly your heart ached after realizing how much damage you'd caused.

Hyunjin offered you his shoulder to cry on, hugged you and apologized even though he didn’t need to, and ironically, that’s partly what gave you the answer you were looking for. Because your heart didn’t pound when he hugged you, you didn’t get butterflies when he wiped your tears, your face didn’t flush when offered his hand for support. It was so platonic- and the only time you smiled was when he said he was sure Seungmin would forgive you and everything will work out.

It’s over a day when Seungmin finally sees you again; you have to pass through his city to get to yours, and so it always made sense to leave Hyunjin’s castle together when traveling home. The ride is tense and awkward, to say the least. You can’t bring yourself to say a word and neither can he, the two of you only taking peeks at each other when you’re sure the other isn’t looking. Seungmin stares out the window and you stare at your hands resting in your lap, while your driver compensates for the unusual atmosphere by turning up the radio.

Approaching Seungmin’s estate makes you indescribably emotional. A lump forms in your throat when the door is opened for him and he exits the car, you clench your fists and try to swallow down the intense emotion when the door closes and you watch him begin to walk away. It doesn’t feel right, none of this feels right. You’re worried that if you don’t talk now, then you never will; that the damage will be irreparable if you let the distance grow and feelings fester. You need to talk to Seungmin, and you need to do it now. 

You hastily unbuckle your seatbelt and open the car door, running out to chase after Seungmin and not stopping even as your driver calls to you from behind. Seungmin, who is almost to his front door, turns around when he hears the commotion, and is surprised to see you quickly approaching him. “What are you doing..?” he can’t help but ask; really though, he shouldn’t be surprised. You always do things like this, and once you’ve made a decision to do something, you’ll stubbornly stick to that decision ‘til the end. You’ve decided you’re going to talk to him, and he knows there’ll be no getting out of it.

“We need to talk,” you assert yourself clearly, even go as far as to step past him and into his house before he can. What a brat; he almost smiles from how familiar it is. The guards who were holding the door open for Seungmin look a little puzzled, but they make no comment- it’s not their place to do so. Seungmin doesn’t see you when he steps inside, but it’s easy enough to guess where you went. 

And he finds you exactly where he expected to, waiting for him right outside his bedroom door. Now or never, he thinks as he unlocks it, offering for you to step inside first. You do just that, waiting until follows behind and closes the door to speak. “What are we now? Friends? More than friends? ..Neither?” you cut straight to the chase, leaving no room for awkward and unnecessary pre-emptive small talk. “I don’t know. Isn’t that up to you?” Seungmin says, stepping past you to sit on his bed. 

You frown as you watch him, but stay firm. “It shouldn’t be entirely up to me. What do you want?” “Does it matter what I want?” Seungmin cuts back. It’s a bit harsh, but he’s still trying to defend against his heart getting torn to shreds; you can’t entirely blame him. “Of course it matters,” you tell him, voice soft with pain. “Sorry,” he mumbles again, sighing as he flops back and stares at the ceiling. He knows he needs to stop snapping at you, his pain isn’t all in your hands. It takes two to tango, and he did more than his fair share of leading the dance. 

Honesty scares him. Raw emotion scares him. Telling you how he’s always felt about you scares him, and telling you what he hopes you’ll be scares him. But that fear has always been a hindrance, and he needs to stop being shackled by it; especially when you’re trying so hard to hear what he really has to say. “I’ve always liked you, for years I’ve liked you. But you.. I didn’t think there was anything I could do. So I just.. didn't do anything.” 

You sit down next to him, looking down at him as you do, and he in turn moves his gaze towards you. You can see the apprehension in his eyes, and maybe it’s presumptuous of you to do so, but you lay your hand over his in an effort to reassure him. He looks a bit surprised, but he accepts it, and rotates his hand around so you can hold it properly. “I try not to, but even now I still want to be with you,” he admits, and it’s not easy for him to do, but he can’t shove down how he feels anymore- not if he wants a chance with you. 

“So I didn’t ruin what we have?” you ask and Seungmin quickly sits up, squeezing your hand as he does. “Of course not, I mean- I was.. upset and I took it out on you, but.. You could never ruin anything,” he says, emphasizing the point by moving closer to you; and it makes you feel warm and happy. Because he’s bridging the gap on his own, willingly putting his walls back down, leaving the mask off.

“I'm so sorry for everything, I really am. And it's okay if you don't want to, but can we go back to what we were before? Well- not before before, but like- when you were my fake boyfriend. But not fake this time either, I want you to be my real boyfriend, and-” You’re rambling, you know, but you’re just trying to be clear, you just don’t want to mess this up again, so-

“Shut up already, idiot,” Seungmin says, an affectionate smile and lilt in his voice before he’s pressing his lips to yours to stop your rambling himself. “Don’t be an asshole when I’m pouring my heart out,” you complain, smiling despite yourself. “I thought you wanted to go back to before though?” he says with a grin, and you roll your eyes and shove him, mumbling ‘I hate you’ while he chuckles. And it feels good. It feels like everything you’ve been missing and everything you needed. No tension, no dread, no fear- the way it should have always been.

You kiss him first this time, and he pulls you in closer, lets you crawl your way into his lap the way you’ve wanted to for weeks at this point (not that he’s even aware how much you’ve fantasized about it- at least, you hope he hasn’t.) “I missed you,” you breathe as you settle on his lap, and he pulls away, looks up at you with the smug smile that tells you a smartass comment is going to follow. “We were only apart for like, a day,” he can’t help himself from saying, laughing softly when you pout and whine. 

“I know that! But it was the most miserable day of my life, I’ll have you know,” you huff, pout growing as you turn your face away and cross your arms. Seungmin’s expression softens, and he reaches out to your face, rests his hand on your cheek and urges you to look at him again. He understands, he really does; it was just as miserable for him. So many doubts and fears wreaking havoc on his brain and making him assume the worst had still yet to come. “I missed you too,” he mumbles softly, earnestly and a bit shy. 

Seungmin isn’t used to vulnerability and honesty, but he’ll get used to it for you. He’ll learn to tell you over and over again how much he loves you if that’s what you need. And the dynamic you have is fun; you like the banter, the teasing, and how much affection lies beneath the surface of his spoken words. You don’t expect him to completely change, nor do you want him to; but he can stand to be a little more open with his feelings. Just a little.

"Got you to admit it," you smile, and he scoffs when he realizes he's been duped. He calls you a brat, lovingly and affectionately, before he’s kissing you again. You push him backwards onto the bed, gentle but still assertive, continuing to kiss him while his hands find purchase on your hips. He lets out that little sigh as you kiss him- the one that always drives you crazy and makes your stomach do flips.

You used to feel guilt over what that noise caused you to think, the way it caused your body to react and where it led your mind to wander. You wonder if it’s okay now; to allow your mind to go there, if Seungmin would be okay with going further than you’ve gone before- kissing new spots, touching new places, experiencing new sensations. You wonder if he’s thought about it as much as you have, and if guilt made him swallow it down when he did, same as you. 

In the few months of your fake relationship, despite all that practiced closeness and kissing, you never made out- you’ve gotten close, hands starting to roam slightly too close to an intimate place, tongues just seconds away from passing parted lips, but one of you would always stop when you realized you were about to get carried away. And he’d gotten hard more than once, but you always pretended not to notice, acting like you didn’t feel it pressing into your thigh while your legs were tangled together. 

Acknowledging it would’ve meant confronting feelings you weren’t ready to at the time, and there was always the possibility it meant nothing, that it was just a physical reaction independent of his brain and how he felt about you. But now that you know all that you do, you hope it means he’s always wanted more with you.. And you have to admit, the self restraint it’d take not to act on his desires makes him all the more appealing. What can you say except consent is key, and knowing he has self control even when he wants you bad is sexy.

He does it again- that unconscious squeeze of your hips the more you kiss him, and you wonder what exactly it stems from; a desire to have you as close as possible, a way to ground himself as he gets worked up, or maybe even both. You hope it's both. You pull away from his kiss, sitting up and staring down at him, your hands lingering on his chest. “I want to ask you something,” you speak softly, voice almost a whisper, face growing impossibly hot. “And don’t give me a smartass reply, or I’m leaving!” You follow up sternly, and Seungmin chuckles, grabs one of the hands you have resting on his chest, and intertwines your fingers. 

“I won’t, promise,” he says, not a hint of teasing in his voice or his smile. As fun as it is to tease you and poke fun, he can tell when the moment calls for him to be earnest and take you seriously. You breathe a sigh of relief, or maybe you’re letting out a breath to ground yourself before you speak; either way, Seungmin watches you attentively, a bit puzzled but entirely patient. “Do you.. Did you ever think about, uh- doing more when we were kissing..?” you ask, nervously chewing on your lip as you wait for him to respond.

“Oh,” Seungmin blinks, his own face growing hot alongside yours. He promised he’d give an honest, serious answer, but even if he didn’t, he doubts he would’ve been able to play it off. Looking into your eyes while he tries to admit it makes the words lodge in his throat, so he turns his head and looks away, the hot red of his blush burning all the way to the tips of his ears. Same as when he admitted he wanted to kiss you, all he says is “yes.” No elaboration, no ifs, whens, or buts; just yes. And that’s all he needs to say, really. It speaks for itself.

He hesitates to look back at you and see your reaction, but the moment he does turn his head, you’re kissing him again, more eager and impassioned than you ever have before, the noise of surprise he lets out muffled by your lips. Your tongue peeks out, just barely brushes over his own, almost cautiousm and an involuntary noise of approval escapes you when you feel his tongue slip past his lips to meet yours.

You separate your hand from Seungmin’s, and he brings his hand back to your hip while yours returns to his chest. You open your mouth for him, invite his tongue further in, and he squeezes your hips once more when you do. The feeling of his tongue sliding against yours is dizzying, makes your stomach fill to the brim with butterflies, excitement building in your gut in ways you’ve never experienced. 

You feel him growing hard beneath you, and you don’t ignore it the way you would have before; you purposely press into it, grind yourself down on Seungmin’s lap and swallow the gasp he lets out. You lose track of how long you stay like this, grinding on his lap while your tongues swirl around each other's, your heavy breaths and every noise swallowed by the other. You’re out of breath by the time you finally pull away, your chests rapidly rising and falling, his shirt twisted in your palms. 

Seungmin looks almost dazed, and to be fair, you sort of are too; neither of you ever expected you’d be here like this. To Seungmin, you were unobtainable; someone he loved but could never have, and he tried so many times to make his peace with it, though he never could. There's a part of him that still can’t even believe you’re choosing him, that thinks maybe this is a dream he’ll soon wake up from. And in your case, it took you too long to realize your priorities were wrong, and your feelings didn’t always mean what you thought they did; that love is more than what looks good and correct on paper. 

You realized you don’t need perfection and matching titles and fairytale romance. Love doesn’t follow a formula, it doesn’t adhere to standards of nobility and preconceived notions on who a princess should love. You have two best friends, and they’re both vitally important to you, but the one you truly fell in love with turned out to be so opposite from what you thought your type truly was. You love Seungmin, with his quips, sarcasm, imperfections, and all. It’s unfortunate you didn’t realize it sooner, but you’re happy you’re sure of it now. And now that you have him, you’re never letting him go. 

“I want you,” you tell him, and though you’re the most shy you’ve ever been, and can’t quite look him in the eye as you admit it, you still get it out, clear and direct. It’s impressive, enviable, how shyness doesn’t prevent you from ever speaking your mind. “Do you.. want me too?” you ask, and he can feel your hands trembling as you continue to hold onto his shirt, waiting for his answer with bated breath. “Yes,” he assures; always has, and always will. 

You smile before you lean down to capture his lips in another kiss, wet, hot and messy. “This okay?” you pull away just slightly to ask, still so close that he can feel your every breath on his lips, your hand traveling down his chest and over his stomach. More than okay, he wants to say, but all that he can manage to let out is another “yes.” Your fingers ghost over the hem of his pants, his breath hitching when you palm him over the fabric.

It’s embarrassing how much pre-cum has stained and moistened the fabric of his pants, and he’s sure you can feel it beneath your hand. He closes his eyes, furrows his brows as he tries not to become flustered and increasingly more red. A breathy groan escapes him when you slide your hand inside, your hand encircling his cock, and he opens his eyes to look at you, twitching involuntarily when he sees the hungry look in your eyes. 

You kiss him when he starts to bite at his lip, greedily swallow every groan that tumbles out of him. Seungmin can’t believe how much better your hand feels than his own, how soft and warm and perfect- and when you pull away from his lips to stare down at him, he looks up at you like you hold the entire world in your hands. You’ve never done this before, but instinct carries you far, and if Seungmin’s reactions are any sign, you’re doing a good enough job so far. 

Carefully removing your hand from inside his pants and sitting up completely, you move your hands to the end of your dress, where it pools on your upper thighs, and take it in your hands, pulling it up and over your head, tossing it onto the floor behind you. Seungmin’s eyes grow wide, swallowing thickly as he stares at you. He wasn’t expecting it, but it makes sense that you’d do this; you’ve always been the type to act first and foremost. 

You smile at him, shy and sweet, but still impossibly confident too. You take his hands and bring them to your chest, let him grope you over your bra, and it sends him reeling. You’re assertive, direct, a go-getter; when you know you want something, you just go for it, simple as that. But still, this is.. you’re gonna drive him crazy before the night is over. You reach behind your back, unhook your bra with familiar ease, the straps sliding down your arm.

Seungmin swallows, knowing the moment he lets you go your bra will fall from your body and expose your chest to him. Deciding to take a page out of your book, and display some confidence despite the fact that his face is impossibly hot, he takes his hands away, lifts his back off the bed and pulls his own shirt off before he can get distracted by the image of you bare before him.

You toss your fallen bra aside, and he allows himself to stare for just a moment before he brings a hand to the nape of your neck and brings you down to kiss him. You squeak in surprise, but then he feels you smiling against his lips as you return his kiss. Mirroring what you did before, his hand travels between your thighs, feeling your heat over your panties. It’s a bit of an awkward reach that causes strain on his arm, but the minute he feels the wet patch, he doesn’t even fucking think about the strain anymore. 

Seungmin brings his fingers to the hem of your panties, glancing at you before he moves any further. You nod at him, giving him permission to slip his hand inside. And fuck, you’re soaked- he barely even has to move his fingers around to get them completely coated. “You’re- ‘s so wet,” he breathes out, almost amazed, and you whine, burying your face in his shoulder as some semblance of shyness finally clutches you.

“Your fault,” you mumble, and Seungmin chuckles, kissing the top of your head affectionately. “You’re cute when you’re being shy,” he tells you, and you quickly lift your head to glare at him. “Don’t get cocky, I will actually kill you,” you threaten. “And spend the rest of your life without me when just one day makes you miserable?” he teases, and you whine, grabbing one of his pillows and hitting him with it. 

“Remind me to never tell you when I miss you ever again,” you huff, and Seungmin coos, the menace that he is, before he pulls you into a sweet, passionate kiss. You easily melt into it, further complaints dying when his tongue touches yours. He takes your breasts in his hands again, thumbs rubbing over your nipples and making your entire body shudder. You gasp when he takes them between his fingers, squirming and whimpering when he rolls and softly pinches them. 

His cock unceremoniously twitches in response to your pleasured noises, each one driving him crazier than the last; he needs you bad. “Want you,” he mumbles against your lips, and you hum, pulling away to look at him. “Wanna fuck me?” you ask, head tilted as a coy smile plays on your lips. Fucking hell- you call him a menace, but you’re the real threat here; you make him insane. “Isn’t that obvious?” he asks, ignoring the heat on his face and trying to act as unphased by your words as possible. 

“Yeah, it is actually,” you smile and he scoffs, rolling his eyes as you giggle. Menace. You lift your hips off his lap, moving off to the side of the bed so you can slide your panties down your legs. He watches you intently, swallowing when you turn back to him and gaze at him expectantly. Right, he has to get undressed too. Lifting off the bed, he tries not to think about the fact that you’re staring at him as he pulls his pants and underwear down his thighs in one motion. 

You crawl back in his lap when he’s finished kicking the bunched fabric off his legs, neither of you paying any mind to where on his floor it lands. Seungmin’s brain feels like it’s going to short circuit while he’s staring at you; you’re beautiful, sexy, straddling his lap entirely naked, a moment he thought would only ever exist in his wet dreams. You take a breath, steady your nerves as you reach between your bodies to take his cock in your hand. 

It twitches in your hand, throbs as you align it with your dripping hole. You swallow, glancing back up at Seungmin’s face before you act. He can’t take your other hand in his as you’re using it to support your weight, so instead he reaches for your face, gently caressing your cheek with his thumb. You lean into his touch, smiling softly and indulging in his affection for just a moment before you start to slowly sink down on him. 

You squeeze your eyes shut, bottom lip caught between your teeth, nails digging into the flesh of his shoulder as you continue. Even just the sensation of the tip pushing inside is overwhelming, and the more of him you take, the more the pleasure in your gut builds. It’s unfamiliar, there’s a sting and a dull ache, but mostly it just feels good- better than anything you’ve ever felt. 

You open your eyes and look at Seungmin when your hips are finally flush with his, butterflies exploding when you see him struggling to keep himself together. His breaths are harsh and heavy, sweat dripping down his forehead, jaw clenched as he tries to prevent himself from cumming too fast. “You- you okay?” he asks, voice tense with effort, and you nod, leaning down to capture his lips in a hungry kiss. 

He throbs when you do, his hands moving to your hips and holding them tightly, your naked chests pressed together. When you’re ready, you experimentally roll your hips, whimpering softly into the kiss while you cling to his body. He groans with each slow roll of your hips, and it takes all he has not to bruise you in his grip and to stop his hips from chasing yours when you start to carefully bounce. 

It’s slow at first, still adjusting and finding the rhythm you're most comfortable with, what works for you and what feels good, but when you figure it out, God, please have mercy on him. The noises you make turn his brain into an absolute puddle, and when you whimper out his name he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to recover. And the way you clench around him, the wet sounds between your legs and of your thighs slapping together each time your hips rise and fall back to his lap- he can’t fucking take it. 

“M-Minnie-” you gasp, your pace faltering, legs screaming from all the exertion. “C-Close, but- ‘m tired,” you whine and pout, doing your best to push through the fatigue, but you’re not sure how much longer you can. Your legs and knees ache terribly, having been bent long before his dick was even inside you, and they’re in desperate need of a break. “Wanna switch?” he asks and you quickly nod, uttering a small “please,” as you still your hips.

Seungmin helps you lie on your back, quickly taking his place between your legs and pressing himself back inside in one swift motion. You gasp, eyes rolling back when he starts to quickly fuck into you, your hands clutching and twisting the sheets beneath you. He grabs your hands and makes you hold his instead, intertwines your fingers and makes no complaint when your nails dig into the flesh under his knuckles. 

He kisses you desperately, tongue messily swirling around yours, swallowing every loud whimper and moan that spills from your throat. Tears prick the corners of your eyes, your stomach knots and twists, your entire body trembles from the overwhelming pleasure. You snake your dominant hand from out of his grip and bring it to your clit, rubbing it in quick, messy circles. He pulls away from your lips to look between your bodies and watch, cursing when you squeeze him tighter. 

Before you know it, you’re gasping and crying, body jolting and squirming as your orgasm washes over you, hot pleasure licking every inch of your body. Seungmin’s head falls forward, gritting his teeth as he sloppily fucks you through it, his own release not far behind. You’re breathless and panting, but you grab his face and pull him into another kiss regardless, and it sends him over the edge, his eyes rolling back as his cum shoots inside you in long, hot spurts. 

Seungmin pulls out slowly, carefully, paying no mind to the mess his cum trickling out of you makes on his blankets. It doesn’t matter, he can call someone to change the sheets for him later- right now he just wants to focus on you. He lies next to you and kisses you, over and over, holding you close to his chest and squeezing you in his arms. “Clingy, aren’t we?” you playfully mutter against his lips, and he can’t even bring himself to say something witty in response.

“Yeah,” he smoothly admits, not denying one bit how infatuated he is with you, “I’m obsessed with you. That a problem?” You blink, all the red that left your face instantly returning- you weren’t expecting a response like that, nor for him to say it so earnestly. “Not since I love you,” you say after you recover, smiling shyly and giggling when he seems surprised. “Do you?” he asks, and you pout; does he still not think you do, even after all that? 

“Of course I do! I love you so much, Minnie, you.. You’re the only one I want,” you speak from the heart, and Seungmin smiles, playful and smug. “I know. I just wanted to hear you say it again,” he tells you, and you shove him, whining loudly when he laughs. “You’re such an ass!” you cry, and he pulls you back to him, hugging you close and pecking your lips when you pout. “I love you too,” he says, so sweetly that it makes you melt. 

You stay cuddled together like that for some time, limbs tangled together, comfortable and secure. Neither of you wants to be the one to break away first, and though you teased him for it, you love how clingy Seungmin can be when he lets his guard down. You hope he leaves it down a lot from now on; because you love him, and with how stubborn you are, you’ll never let him be pried from your fingers. He’s yours, and you're his, now, forever, always.

It took longer than you would’ve liked to realize it, but this is the love you’ve always wanted. Seungmin completes you, he’s your missing piece, the one who understands you. Similar in the ways that matters, and contrasts you perfectly in the places you differ. You bicker and you tease and sometimes you fight, but you love with your whole hearts; and you’ll never again doubt that or be confused on what it is you want, because this is it. It’s not the fairytale you dreamed of as a kid, but it’s better than that; because it’s real, Seungmin’s love is real, and there’s nothing better you could ever ask for.

#ksmutsociety #skzstarnet #skz x reader #kim seungmin x reader #skz smut #kim seungmin smut #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz fanfic #mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune #stayed up all night proofreading and editing so if i look at this again when i wake up and saw i missed something i will kms

[bonefall]

PLEASE make Whitewater be the one who kills Weaselkit. It would be so (tragically) cool, like just thinking about it reminds me of other amazing BB scenes like the Elderberry and Ferncloud scene but on a smaller, background character scale. It would also be a cool parallel type thing to Spiderleg who attempts to kill his son during the same battle. Obviously Spiderleg and Toadstep don’t personally care about the death of a non-Thunderclan kit, so it’s not like they would be aware of the other family murder happening, but WE would know. And we would be shitting our pants. (I’m a sucker for generational trauma and parents failing to protect their children in fiction please mister bonefall)

I HAVE to do it. It fits too well. It's absolutely shockingly tragic and horrrible. Hell opened up and Owlclaw's worst nightmare came lunging out. I have so many thoughts.

Owlclaw has had a whole life dealing with the neglect and abuse he went through, taking it out on others as a bully, and it's only now seeming to get any better

Mentor Oakfur being even more of a parent to him than any other apprentice he's had, knowing Owlpaw needed it.

Whitewater had FINALLY died. It hurt like nothing else, because in spite of everything he loved his mother... but he was FREE

And maybe she was, too. Maybe in StarClan she could watch over him, perhaps now with distance her memory can be something positive.

There was a time he might have wished suffering on her. But he's going to be a dad, now. He's learned that holding onto grudges never seems to do anything constructive.

He started his new life with Pinenose, still in their honeymoon phase. They're a young couple and everything is moving fast, they're welcoming two little twins.

Weaselkit and... Happykit. He still thinks it's silly, but he said it as a sardonic joke because he couldn't think of a good name and Pinenose beamed. How could he burst her bubble?

He has NO idea that his mother didn't ascend to StarClan. Shes doonstairs. He's daring to assume the best, and she's embracing the worst.

She doesn't need long to be completely onboard with Tigerstar's scheme. She didn't even need a discussion with Hawkfrost. The only reason StarClan would throw her down here is because there's a problem.

So, she'll put it right.

The IMMEDIATE validation she feels seeing Harespring training in the Dark Forest is intoxicating. They ARE cursed!! One of them already found its way here!

(AND the spawn of that damn TRAITOR, Crowfeather. The bastard who betrayed Mudclaw's coup.)

Harespring started training here out of curiosity, and a speck of heresy to be totally honest. He wanted to know his biofather, Mudclaw, and StarClan couldn't be all that wonderful if it would allow his brother Kestrelflight to be forced into the Cleric's den so young.

But NOW, having met Mudclaw and hearing his side of the story, and now WHITEWATER landing here as well...

...he has never had stronger faith in StarClan before. Mudclaw was horrible enough. Whitewater is unhinged.

There is no doubt in his mind that these two belong here. The sad stories are outweighed by cases like these, so in his opinion, there SURELY must be things he doesn't know about innocuous cats like Houndleap and Featherwhisker.

He hates coming here, every moment he's trapped with one of his bioparents is a moment he wishes he was spending with papa Torear.

Harespring betrays the Dark Forest the minute he has a chance to. But it doesn't stop Whitewater.

Weaselkit's death happened so fast and they were so young that Happykit can barely remember it. Was it after Dustpelt crunched? ...he thinks it was during.

I can't imagine Happykit will be told about Whitewater until he's much older, but... he knows Weaselkit's death is what drives the wedge between his parents

(Of course that's too simple to be correct. Happy's smart in the way that you get when you have to grow up quick, but still a kid at the end of the day. Owlclaw backslid into old, destructive ways. Pinenose can't handle him and their child and her grief at the same time. They were a young couple to begin with. It shattered like glass.)

I'm not sure who dealt with Whitewater during the Battle of the True Eclipse, but she is definitely double dead. Part of me wants to make it Spikefur, Pinenose's next mate. But Owlclaw dealing with his mother a minute too late, after FINALLY finding peace with it all, is also gut-wrenching.

#BB!Whitewater #BB!Pinenose #BB!Happyface #BB!Owlclaw #Better bones au #Battle of the true eclipse #Botte #BB!OOTS

[w1ldthoughts]

An Ice Cream Cake?

A/n: Anon requested dad to be Justin!

Disclaimer: this is a work of FICTION, the characters are fictionalized versions of real life situations and real people. It’s all based on my imagination.

Masterlist

“Well, as much as it hurt me to do this…I got your cheeseburger and fries. And the pink lemonade you wanted.” He sighs, setting down the bag.

You wrap your arms around him as much as your new bump allows, having ‘popped’ a few weeks ago. Baby Herbert was definitely making their presence known and you both have been trying to get used to it. “Thank you for putting aside your disdain for In N’ Out for me. I know it must’ve been really hard.” You soothingly ran a hand along his back as he smiled at your joke.

“Only because I love our baby and that’s what the two of you were craving. Doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it.” You laugh as he shakes his head in disappointment.

The offseason has always been more special. You get to see Justin more and actually spend time together instead of seeing glimpses of him either on his way to the facility or on his way to the home office to watch film. But this offseason was even more special because it would be the last one before the two of you became parents. There was so much uncertainty though. What kind of mother were you going to be? The good cop or bad cop? What about your privacy? It was nice now because you were back in Oregon and no one bothered you here, but would that change when training camp rolled around in two months? And what if—

“Babe? Did you hear what I said?” Justin asks, pulling you out of your trance. You shook your head no and took a bite of your food, waiting for him to repeat himself. “Where’d you go just now? What are you thinking about?”

You offer him a fry that he happily accepts as he sits down next to you, placing a hand on your leg. “I’m thinking about how we’re going to be in charge of an entire human being for the rest of our lives. We’re gonna have to protect them and guide them through life and…potty train them. Justin, how are we supposed to teach a child to use the bathroom and—don’t laugh,” you tell him, even though you’re holding yours in. “How are you so calm about this?”

He takes ahold of one of your hands. “You know why I’m not worried? Because I know that you’re going to be an amazing mom. This baby and all future Herbabies are so unbelievably lucky to have you.”

You snort. “Did you really just say Herbabies?”

“Yeah, that was bad,” he sighs, “I knew it was terrible the second it came out of my mouth. But you get what I mean.” He shrugs nonchalantly, secretly proud of himself because he knows he just got you out of your head.

“I do,” you giggle, shaking your head at him. “Terrible dad joke aside, I needed that. I think the cake I picked up today just made it feel more real.”

Earlier in the day you’d picked up the little gender reveal cake for you and Justin to cut into. The idea of having an entire gathering with phones and a potential invasion of privacy did not sound like the best idea. So you and your husband decided to make it a moment just between the two of you.

Not to say you’d been thinking about it all day but…you’d been thinking about it all day.

Silence washed over you as you were about to get up to throw away your trash, but Justin stopped you and did it himself. You were starting to wonder if you’d ever lift a finger again.

Not that you were complaining.

He stood across from you at the kitchen counter, tapping his fingers on the marble. “Can we please cut this cake? The suspense is killing me.”

Rolling your eyes, you stood up to grab the cake out of the freezer, Justin’s eyes going wide.

“You bought an ice cream cake?” He sounded like a little kid, his smile reaching his ears with the dimple in all of its glory. You hoped your baby would have one too.

“It’s mint chocolate chip too.”

He lets out a deep breath and lets out a hum…looking right at the cake.

You clear your throat with a laugh, “should I give you two a minute?”

“No, we're good. Let’s do this.”

With his shaky hand enclasped in yours, you sliced into the cake together.

After you set down the knife Justin delicately tilts your chin up to pull you in for a kiss. His lips touch yours with so much love and tenderness that you almost feel weak in the knees. You return the gesture with as much intensity as you can muster up, all of the emotions wrapped up in this moment were hitting you both at once. The nerves you had earlier, to the joy that is now filling the entire room take your breath away and you pull back from the kiss, staring into his glossy eyes.

He wipes at his eyes with a wet laugh, still in disbelief—until he remembers the ice cream cake.

“We should probably have some of this before it completely melts. Do you and baby girl want a little slice or a big slice?”

“A little slice please.”

“One little slice, coming right up.”

He was going to be a girl dad and he couldn’t wait.

#Justin Herbert #justin herbert imagine #justin herbert x reader #justin herbert fanfic #justin herbert fluff

[raytorosaurus]

Sorry that this post is long but I would appreciate it if other white people read it and thought about it. I've been reading a lot of posts and the tags on them and I just want to make it very clear that this conversation isn't really about Ray getting 'attention' or his talent getting acknowledged. We should not be minimising this to “we need to acknowledge that Ray is an excellent guitar player” because everyone knows that, all you need is ears. True, it went largely unappreciated by fans at the height of mcr’s fame, but at least that's different now. What we're talking about now is about so much more than that - in fact, part of the problem is Ray getting reduced to nothing but the guy who shuts up and does the solos. We're talking about a pattern of behaviour that has been so deeply rooted in this fandom for so long that it's almost invisible to white people. It's a collective problem but it's perpetuated by individuals and needs to be addressed at an individual level first before it can begin to change.

I will acknowledge that, at least in my circles, things have started to change a little bit this tour in regards to people noticing him and discussing him beyond just his solos. But on the flipside that's only highlighted the larger issue, which boils down to how differently Ray is treated from the rest of the band. This is a consistent pattern. If he's not being ignored, he's behind separated out and set apart from the others - either being put on a weird pedestal or given suspiciously backhanded compliments.

Back in 2020 when I'd be lucky to see three posts about him a day on my dash I used to spend a lot of time scrolling through old inactive blogs to queue Ray pictures. Back in the pre-breakup days, if he wasn't being called "princess fro fro" he was being called ugly or he was the target of straight-up racial slurs. There was a weird narrative that he like, lowkey bullied Frank or took more credit than he deserved for mcr's guitar parts (which is painfully ridiculous and only proves that nobody paid attention to a single word Ray's ever said). Until very recently, the punchline of one of the main "jokes" (quotation marks because the word joke implies it was ever actually funny in the first place lol) in this fandom relied on Ray being at least casually homophobic. And these were blogs that posted Ray - I can only imagine how much worse the people who actively didn't like him would have been.

Nowadays, I post a lot of Ray content so I see a lot of tags from people outside my circle of mutuals. Let me tell you, there are Patterns. First of all, there's the classic "tags that completely ignore Ray to make the Ray post about Frank and/or Gerard instead." But more and more often what I'm seeing is if he's not being infantilised, he's being treated as some hyper-masculine, omni-competent, suave sex god or something - each of these things are equally reductive and dehumanising - and each of them are different manifestations of racist stereotypes and common fandom attitudes towards people of colour. Sure, Frank also gets weirdly infantilised a lot, but in a very different way - Frank is woobified in the way people often treat their fictional faves out of affection and horniness, whereas Ray is just reduced down to a personalityless nice guy - something that is also very common with fictional characters of colour. Then there are people who act like he's some kind of long-suffering untouchable genius who puts up with the little weirdos in his band because they worship his talent or something, as if he's not on equal footing with them as their peer and creative partner. And then you get the people characterising him as some kind of rough macho domineering dude because he's…tall? I guess? And plays guitar with confidence? Or is it just because he's brown.

I just..genuinely want you to sit down and think about a reason Ray might be singled out and separated from the rest of the band like this.

Is it because he's quiet in interviews? Mikey was always quieter. Also, Ray has done a lot more interviews than you think, they just haven't been circulated by fans as much. Also, he's literally the second-most featured band member in lotms - you know, the almost sole source for their fandom-driven personalities back in the day.

Is it because he's less feminine than the others? Both Mikey and Frank regularly present as more traditionally masculine in their fashion choices and mannerisms etc. The only thing “more masculine” about Ray than the others is...his body type I guess. There’s a whole conversation there about the intersection of gender and race and racist perceptions thereof.

Is it because he's private and keeps out of the public eye? So does Gerard.

Is it because people historically found him less attractive than the others? I shouldn't have to explain that that was the racism all along (yes, I know there's no accounting for taste, but Ray was regularly and actively mocked for his non-white features, and noughties beauty standards, especially in the alt music scene, were overwhelmingly white and racist. I regularly get tags to the effect of "when did Ray get so hot???" and honestly it's pretty telling that he's only widely acknowledged as attractive now that he's lost weight (whole other important discussion on fatphobia in this fandom here btw) and his hair has changed texture and beauty standards have shifted so certain racial features are fetishised rather than mocked.

Is it because he wasn't involved in one of the iconic bandom boylove duos? News flash, all "ships" are made up fan theories. Rpf and/or tinhatting is based on what fans notice and what rumours they perpetuate. Besides them kissing on stage a few times to make a point over 15 years ago, you know frerard lore because people talk about frerard lore. You know petekey lore because people talk about petekey lore. The truth is nobody cared enough to pay attention to Ray back then. (To be clear, this isn't me trying to tinhat anything about him, I'm just once again pointing out the obvious disparity in how Ray is treated compared to the others.)

I consistently see people acting baffled at how he's been behaving this tour - skipping or bouncing around the stage, eating his solos up, being physically affectionate with his bandmates. I can tell you he has literally always acted like that. Sure, this tour is special - he's certainly a lot more confident than he used to be and seems happier than ever, but really the biggest thing that's changed is now we get full footage of every show so it's literally impossible to overlook.

I also see people acting baffled when others point out the way Ray's been mistreated by fandom - being shocked that anyone would crop Ray out of band photos etc. I guarantee you that almost every single one of you has reblogged pictures where he's been actively cropped out, because some of the most iconic Frank-and-Gerard pictures that constantly get passed around on here are just that. "But how would we know" - sure, it's not your fault, but it's a small example of the way the more blatant Ray erasure from the past gets passed down to new fans and perpetuated by them unknowingly in turn. Cropping him out of pictures is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how his talent and personality and significance to the emotional heart of the band has been overlooked. I can't tell you how many iconic well-known quotes from interviews or paragraphs from Not the Life it Seems directly precede facts about/quotes from Ray that nobody seems to have heard.

So again, this is not really a popularity thing - it's hard to measure but I'd say in the past few months Ray's overtaken Mikey in terms of mass popularity, at least on tumblr. You don't need to performatively post once a day about how Ray Toro Is God or how much you want him to rail you or how much you want him to rail your white fave because "he's the only one who can top" (you Realise how this sounds right?). I'm just asking you to confront your internalised biases and the external biases ingrained in the culture and history of this fandom, and start treating Ray the same way you treat the rest of the guys. He's not an untouchable god and he's not a sunshine cupcake, he's just Some Guy who's really fucking good at guitar. He's a proud stay at home dad, he's cringe as fuck, he loves to cook, he listens to podcasts about fucking Apple products for fun, he writes (very) shitty poetry, he takes his sons to women's rights marches, he invests in bitcoin, he cries when his mom sends him postcards, he drives a douchey car, he loves children's cartoons, he's a corny liberal just like the others, he loves his friends wholly and openly. Just…please acknowledge the history of racism in this fandom, think about how you as an individual might knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate it, and try to do better. And please just treat him like a human.

#at least we're HAVING this conversation it's so so much worse on twitter #anyway. i've discussed and complained about a lot of this stuff on discord and that's my bad for not talking about it more publicly #like. i don't want to come off as just bitter about my fave or something because it's a much deeper problem that #but that just means i need to be very clear abt my point #hopefully you give this post the time of day i know it's long but i do think it's important #ray toro #racism #ref #** #gonna pin this for a bit too

[ot3]

Ok, now after all that Phoenix dad asks, i can't help but share my own unnecessary opinion. I feel like the rapport between Beanix and Trucy is too good for him to be a shitty parent, but the game strongly implies he has alcohol problem. Like no matter how I squint at the source material Beanix is alcoholic. And it's really hard to imagine him being a great dad if he' s spending their meager funds on "grape juice". ( Although with his life at this period I would really wish that at least he did the parenting gig right)

oh man i have been getting a lot of asks on this subject over the past coupe days and mostly avoided answering them because i just sort of more or less said my piece on the matter and didn't want to keep dragging out the same points but this take. is a really insidious one imo. and i feel like you've unwittingly touched on The Elephant In The Room regarding this entire discussion.

I don't think you really meant any harm by this and i hesitate to ascribe any real-world politics to people based on how they interact with fiction, but it's really difficult to see people talk about addiction in fiction this way and imagine they would have more sympathy for real addicts.

Someone being an addict does not de facto make them a bad parent. Someone being poor does not de facto make them a bad parent. I would also argue that someone being too poor to fully provide for their children doesn't de facto make them a bad parent either, because poverty - especially child poverty - is a structural problem and not an individual one.

But I digress, that's not really relevant, because there's absolutely nothing in ace attorney 4 that suggests that the wright's financial problems are caused by phoenix's drinking! Nor is there anything that suggests his drinking has caused him to in any way mistreat Trucy. Anything we see that could be loosely interpreted as neglectful parenting, such as bringing Trucy to poker games or leaving for long stretches to work on the jurist system, can be linked to their financial situation. And you're immediately correlating between the financial stuff and the addiction. Not illogically, but what you have to remember is that alcoholism is often a symptom of poverty, rather than the other way around.

Addiction is obviously very bad even if its not at the point where it's causing your entire life to fall apart! But phoenix is clearly functional and competent during the events of aa4, so i think to act like struggling with addiction is in and of itself enough to negate all of the good parenting he does is just suuuper shitty.

There's really a lot of bizarre distaste for anything resembling Addiction and Poverty amongst ace attorney fans, I've seen really nasty sentiment from people wrt aa4 that, once you cut through what they're actually saying, boils down to 'implying phoenix could ever be an alcoholic made him a fundamentally less good/less likeable character' and man. i just think that really sucks.

especially considering the fact that shu takumi has been pretty open about the fact that 1. he writes phoenix with a lot of Himself in there and 2. he's had, to say the least, a somewhat involved relationship with alcohol. He talks about drinking through work extensively in a pretty cavalier way. I don't expect everyone to know these details but i think anyone who has ever laughed about how shu takumi wrote most of JFA drunk needs to stop and wonder why they think making phoenix an alcoholic crosses some sort of moral line. Along those lines, I also feel similarly uncomfortable when people try to insist non stop that 'its just grape juice, there's no way it was supposed to be implying anything, it's just a joke.' it just feels super disrespectful to try and ignore the narrative implications here coming from a creator who has struggled with alcohol because you think it somehow taints the wholesomeness of a character he based off of himself.

i would urge you and everyone else who has had similar thoughts to please just sort of take a moment and re-asses the opinions you have on this subject and see if you're not just voicing some pretty harmful kneejerk responses to seeing alcoholism depicted or alluded to in ways you're not really used to. Because this just is not the take in any way, shape, or form.

#ace attorney #didnt want to make it That Deep but this kind of stuff really does grate on me! #i have a lot of addiction in my family! ive lived on and off being pretty poor! this stuff doesn't suck all of the joy out of life!

[quodekash]

HOLY FRICK THE EPISODE CAME OUT 17 AND A HALF HOURS AGO BUT I COULDNT WATCH IT BC I WAS CAMPING WITH NEXT TO NO SERVICE

BUT IM HOME NOW SO ITS TIME TO DIE AND EXPLODE AND EXPLODE AGAIN AND THEN DIE AGAIN AND SCREAM A LOT

...why do I feel like she doesnt actually like him but she just thinks she likes him

I mean its entirely possible she does

but im just putting it out there that she might not

AHA

SHE SAYS SHE JUST WANTS TO STUDY AT THE SAME UNI AS HIM

NOT THAT SHE LIKES HIM OR WANTS TO BE WITH HIM IN A ROMANTIC SENSE

BADABING BADABOOM KANG IS JUST DRAMATIC AND THINKS THAT MEANS SHE LIKES HIM

maybe

again, its very possible she does actually like sailom

oh honeyyyyy

my boy :(((

he sad :(((((((((

OML IM LAUGHING SO HARD

HIS JUMPER SAYS 'BOY'

HE IS INDEED ONE OF THOSE

WHY AM I FINDING THIS SO FUNNY

I DONT THINK ANYONE ELSE LAUGHED AT THIS BUT HERE I AM LOSING MY MIND

nO

HEY

WHY

DUDE WE NEED THIS PLOT TO PROGRESS YOU CANT JUST QUIT

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH PINING YOU GUYS HAD WHEN YOU HAD TO FIRE HIM FOR LIKE FIVE DAYS?????? YOU GUYS WERE FRIKIN HOPELESS

YOU COULDVE TALKED TO ECAH OTHER AND YOU DIDNT

AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN SURVIVE JUST QUITTING???? NUH UH, NOT ON MY WATCH SON

...oh

well now im sad

WELL NOW IM S A D D E R

OH HONEY

MY BOY NEEDS VALIDATION

IM GONNA CRY

AWWWWHHHHHHHHH

lmaoooo the super slow dramatic shots as he questions everything

she's just a lesbian kang, calm down bro

IM SORRY, I CANT GET OVER HIS BOY SHIRT

GUYS THEYRE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER

I THINK THEY MIGHTVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO INTERACT OUTSIDE OF TUTORING????

OML LOOK AT HOW PIMFAH'S SITTING

SHES SO GAY

and valid. I would sit that attentively if it were me as well, june is too too pretty hOW IS SHE SO PRETTY

bro was just offered a footy position by a senior, and he's thinking about sailom. gay as all hell

AAAAAAA

GUYNAWA TIME OMGOMGOMGOMG

IM SO EXCITEDDDDDDD

HEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE YES NAWA’S GONNA REPLACE HIM AN THEN GUYNAVA ARE GONNA PLAY ON THE SAME TEAMMMMMMM

also lmao he's good at catching balls

that sentence will definitely send both of them into insane amounts of gay panic

THIS IS SO SOUNDWIN OF THEM AND I CANT EXPLAIN IT, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

HOLY FRICK WE'RE NEARLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERIES AND WE'RE GETTING A DECENT AMOUNT OF PROGRESS FOR THESE TWO, IM SO EXCITED

HELP I CANT TELL IF SHES KIDDING OR NOT SOMEONE HELP ME

DOES SHE LIKE HIM??? DOES SHE NOT LIKE HIM???? DOES SHE JUST ADMIRE HIM PLATONICALLY?????? H E L P

also: she better be about to make a joke about like "oh well, im heartbroken now. i thought you could spend time with me, but it turns out your heart is only for kanghan, as i expected" and we can all watch sailom gay panic

oh. she was serious.

dANG IT

OH NO SHES SO SAD

NOW IM SO SAD

FRICK DANG IT

OH NOOOO

HONEYYYYYYY

FRICKKKKKKK

I LOVE HER SO MUCH

oh :(

its a metaphor :(

i usually love metaphors but this one is sad

i didnt expect to get so invested in this sailom/pimfah thing

i think i just love pimfah a lot

shes so important to me

and so is sailom

and so is kanghan

i get unhealthy emotional attachments to fictional characters and also to real people and because of that i cant let anything go and i hoard things and memories and people for fear that i will be left alone

anyway-

bro

the grabbing each other's shirts??? the rain??? the yelling at each other????

this is literally that scene from the pilot trailer

where they yell at each other about hating the other, and then kiss

(i think about that scene probably more than is strictly necessary)

W H A T

i-

wh-

h- he

he tOLD HIM????

RIGHT OFF THE BAT JUST LIKE THAT????

(yes dr seuss i did- sorry, now is not the time for sanders sides references)

um.

im.

uh

well i think i just died

boy is Shook™️

i mean valid

but his expression is so funny to me and im laughing again

his older brother senses are tingling

they👏were👏paired👏together👏randomly👏therefore👏they👏are👏soulmates👏

i love them so much

HE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO HIS SIDE I CANT

IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE

✨i ran out of images✨

#quodekash disregards sleep because of dangerous romance #dangerous romance #dangerous romance the series #dangerous romance series #kangsailom #kanghansailom #sailomkang #sailomkanghan #perthchimon #perth tanapon #chimon wachirawit #pimfah drts #view benyapa #viewjune #juneview #june wanwimol #guynawa #guynava #nawaguy #navaguy #marcpawin #pawinmarc #marc pahun #pawin kulkaranyawich #win pawin

[pholiabanna]

Bylers chronically misinterpret and misremember things and it drives me insane. One of the common Byler viewpoints is that Mileven is toxic in season 3 because Mike and El separate from their friends to make out an “unhealthy” amount and don’t spend quality time together. But Eleven isn’t supposed to be seen or caught in the real world! So they can’t exactly go on dates or anything like that. So Mike spends all the time he can with his girlfriend cause why wouldn’t he? He loves her. They laugh and joke around and have a good time together. It’s Hopper who’s at fault for keeping them apart

I don't understand why you're sending me this when I haven't posted in almost a day, and I understand even less why you are on the byler tag if you don't like the ship. But since you don't seem almost as rude and insane as other milkvan anons I got, I'll kindly answer you:

When, in fiction, many characters in the show point out how there's something wrong with a relationship, maybe the writers are trying to make a point across, that wiewers are supposed to catch on! Hopper didn't try to keep them apart forever, he (even though he didn't approach it in the best possible way) only wanted for El to spend one single day without her boyfriend, which is normal, because you should have relationships with other people besides your significant other. The party members also point out how they don't like that they always ditch them to make out, because the main theme of the show is the importance of friendship, so ignoring everyone everyday to make out goes against the core themes of the show, thus meaning the Duffers didn't intend for it to be seen as a positive thing. It is not a good thing in real life either, by the way. There's a reason why El's season 3 plot of breaking up with Mike, making a female friend and hanging out with someone else for the first time and discovering what she likes is presented as a great growth from her character.

Also, no, we can tell they didn't do other thing besides making out because Hopper himself told Joyce "it is constant". I promise you if the Duffers wanted to present a relationship as healthy, they wouldn't make them unlikeable both to the wiewers and to the other characters while they are together. Even if El couldn't go outside, they still could do something else besides making out while being indoors, you know, like watching movies, Mike teaching El hobbies, or just having genuine conversations. But they do none of those. However, Lucas and Max are the same age, and are presented as a more normal relationship for their age in season 3, because even though they break up (unseriously) a couple times, they still hang out with their other friends, never make others feel left out, share similar interests, do something else besides making out... and they are likely to be endgame. That's how genuine relationships are written. Also, I don't think Mike and El are toxic, they just aren't the right person for each other, and they threw themselves into a relationship while facing insecurities for different reasons (that can't be solved by staying together) and that makes them regress as characters. It's really about understanding basic character analysis

#byler

[sweetbbyshion]

brokenhearted (chapter 3)

-> Touya Todoroki (Dabi) x fem!reader

summary: "How can I hit rewind so I could find a single reason why you would leave with no goodbye"

Touya walked into your life with no warning and settled himself in your heart. But how do you expect to build a relationship based on lies and betrayals?

warnings: major character death, mentions of sex, angst, no happy ending

masterlist -> previous chapter

networks: @eveningatthemoviesnetwork @love-and-fiction

You don't know exactly when Touya stops showing up at your doorstep. It's gradually, you think. First, he only shows up whenever he needed a good fuck - a way to let out some steam. Everything is too fast. Most times, you don't even get your clothes off before Touya is pushing you against any surface to fuck you; then, he starts spending less and less time with you - completely ignoring aftercare or anything related to your well-being in general. The hero leaves before you catch your breath. On those days, you just lay in bed crying with the painful bruises to remind you that none of this is just a nightmare; lastly, you simply stop seeing him.

You held onto the hope that Touya was just too busy but days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and, when you realize, it has been 159 days since you last saw him. You spend sleepless nights figuring out if you should blame yourself for his disappearance but you can't seem to find a reason why you are at fault. But you must be, right? There has to be something you're missing. Another part of you is scared that Touya is dead in some alley and no one found him yet. The memories of your first meeting keep replaying in your head and you're afraid history repeated itself, except you weren't there to save him.

The TV is on and serves as background noise to try and drown your thoughts as you helplessly try to study for your upcoming exam but a change of the image has you turning your head to pay attention to the television. Your heart stops at the sight. Touya is sitting on a couch, shirtless, shoulders down. He looks the same but you still have to take a double look. Touya has always seemed light and happy around you but this Touya looks… dead.

“I am Touya Todoroki.” The sound of his voice after so long makes tears form in your eyes. It almost makes you brush past the famous surname that leaves his mouth. “The eldest son of Endeavor.”

You get up and make your way until you're standing in front of the TV. You stare and stare at the image of Touya on the screen and you pinch yourself hard to wake up from the sick dream you're having. “To date, I’ve killed over 30 innocent people in cold blood and today I’d like everyone to know exactly what drove me to such despicable acts.”

You run to your phone and search his name online. Hundreds of people are already talking about it. News articles after news articles talk about ‘Dabi’ and everything that is known about the villain. You read those stories as your Touya speaks about his past in the background. This has to be some sick joke. A link to a livestream has you shakingly click on your screen, redirecting you for some streaming app. The fight already had started by the time you finished downloading and setting up an account. Touya (or Dabi, you’re not sure what to call him anymore) is destroying himself while all you can do is watch. For a bit, you think whether or not you should intervene but what were you supposed to do? You were a quirkless civilian that just so happened to have a sort of situationship with a wanted criminal. You would get held back or killed before you even managed to talk to Touya.

So you watch. You watch the blurred images of your Touya fighting and destroying his body along the way through tears, with sobs that shake your body and have you gasping for air. You watch your Touya get engulfed in flames as he gives his all to destroy the man who he claimed to be his father. You watched until you couldn't watch anymore, stopping just as the camera was about to move to show his unmoving body on the floor.

Incoming messages from a groupchat with your friends have you putting the device on ‘do not disturb’ so you don’t see what they are saying about the man you once dreamt of introducing to them as your boyfriend, your lover.

You let your body fall back on the couch. You cry until you can’t cry anymore, your tears dry, your sobs stop and the room is silent. You sit there looking at the TV in front of you, your reflection staring back, and you wait for Touya to come knocking at your door. You tell yourself it is just a joke - Touya will be coming back to you, smirking when you open the door while knowing you will be tending his wounds gently.

“Touya… this isn’t funny anymore.” you speak up. There’s no reply. “You’re always getting hurt. I have to keep restocking the first aid kit because of you.” You laugh but there’s no happiness behind it. “Seriously I’m going to be broke soon because of you… Either way, I’ll always take care of you. So pl-ease come home.” And just like that you’re back to sobbing loudly, totally alone in your small apartment. You keep begging Touya to be okay, hiccups making your speech barely understandable but it doesn't matter because you’re alone. Lonely on the couch where you spent so many good moments, you beg for the man who put you together just to break you again. Curled up on the couch and with the feeling of a knife stabbing your heart, you’re undoubtedly alone.

Losing Touya hurts. It keeps hurting for days and weeks and months. It never stops working but the pain becomes bearable. At least, that is what you tell yourself. You hated Touya (or Dabi, you’re still not sure what to call him) for a few weeks. You despised him for lying and for not telling you even in his final moments. You hated that you couldn't sit on the couch without thinking about him but you also couldn't sleep on the bed because of all the moments you spent there. You loathed that he still made you cry everyday before sleeping, curled up on the floor because it seemed to be the only place that didn't fill you with love and grief.

Those negative feelings for Touya prevailed until you saved up enough money to remodel your whole apartment. You didn't leave. You hated Touya Todoroki but you never left the place that reminded you of him the most. Part of you doesn't want to feel like he won - you didn't want to leave your home because of a messed up relationship. The other part was hopeful that Touya would be back one day - you couldn't risk moving places and never seeing him again.

After you stopped hating him, you started missing him. You would find yourself cooking his favorite and then setting two plates on the table. You would talk about your day and ramble about whatever was going on in your life. Silence was your only answer but you still talked. “Your little brother was on the news today. I didn't pay much attention but he looks just like you. I bet you’re proud of it, uhm?” You would say. Silence. “You always said you couldn't make amends with your siblings but I think you should try.” More deafening silence. “I know you don't like to talk about it. Anyways, work was chaotic today.”

This period of yearning never ended, unlike the time where you hated him. You changed your routine to accommodate Touya and never went back to normal.

Your friends noticed the way you changed so drastically but nothing was enough to get you to talk like you do late at night when you think you’re sharing your thoughts with Touya. They recommended therapy but you couldn't tell what had happened. You couldn't do that to him. So you played pretend. You smiled, laughed and everything went back to normal when you were outside the house. But you knew better and the void inside you was eating you slowly. You think everything would get fixed if you just had one person to talk to but you were alone. At some point, you were so desperate that you considered going to his family. Maybe you could share your moments with Touya, show them he was more than the villain TV portrayed. You end up coming to the conclusion that it is a bad idea.

Despite everything you live your life the best way you can without the man that changed your perception of love forever. You don't date or even try to even if your friends insist. You don’t look for Touya in other men and try to fill the void he left. You survive while ignoring “Why aren't you married?” and “Is there anyone special in your life?” and a hundred other questions that people in your life throw at you. You spend your days surrounded by people but still lonely and empty. You die young but with a feeling free after so many years tied up by sadness. In your final moments, you are alone. You pray to whoever is listening that you will meet Touya again, whether it is in heaven, hell, or in your next life.

You die just like you lived - isolated and hoping you will be with Touya Todoroki again, even if only in your dreams.

#kora posts! #dabi x reader #dabi angst #my hero academia angst #my hero academia x reader #touya todoroki angst #touya todoroki x reader #dabi x y/n #dabi x you #my hero academia x y/n #my hero academia x you #touya todoroki x y/n #touya todoroki x you

[emeraldspiral]

Looking at Invader Zim age discourse trying to claim that X number of years in one species's lifespan is the equivalent of 1 human year makes all of my brain cells want to commit die. It's "Loki is 16" all over again. I'm begging yall to get off social media and take a science class cause Jesus Christ how do you function in society being this ignorant?

Different species do not mature at the same rate relative to their lifespan. Grogu being a toddler for 50 years is not a thing that actually happens in nature.

Let's look at dogs for a second. It's commonly said that a dog ages 7 years per 1 human year. Most dogs live about 10-13 years, or 70-91 years, which sounds about right, doesn't it? But some dogs live to see 20-31, or 140-217, way longer than any human has ever lived. But let's also consider their early development. Dogs can start walking after just a couple of weeks while human babies take several months. Dogs can reach adulthood and sexual maturity in less than a year. Some 7 year old children do experience premature puberty, but this is far from being the norm and does not mean they are fully mature adults. Additionally, it is said that a fully adult dog only has the cognition of a 3-5 year-old human child. No matter which way you look at it, you can not equate the way a dog matures and ages to human development and lifespan.

Most newborn animal species, regardless of how long or short their lives are, are much further along in their development than human babies are, closer to toddlers than infants. Many are able to walk or crawl within a few days or even minutes after birth. Compared to most animal babies, human babies would be considered extremely premature.

With Zim, we saw onscreen that as a newborn he could walk, stand upright, jump, grab and hold things, and speak, more like a human 3-5 year-old than an infant. If we were going by the logic of "1 Irken year is 10 human years" that goes around in fanon, 10-year-old Zim should still be a baby, only barely be able to walk, pick up objects, and say a few words. But in the unfinished episode The Trial, concept art for 10-year-old Zim shows him looking like about what you'd expect the actual Irken equivalent of a 10-year-old to look like; taller than a newborn, but smaller than an adult, which for Irkens doesn't get much taller than a human 12-year-old with rare exceptions. There really is no basis what-so-ever to assume that Zim has only developed to the equivalent of 12 or 16, especially when he has a job in the military and lives on his own with no supervision. I don't know why anybody who headcanons that for shipping reasons would even want that to be the case when by that logic it would mean Dib and Gaz and any other human characters they want to pair him with would very quickly grow up to be adults while he remained a child.

In most cases, when dealing with extremely long-lived fantasy/sci-fi races, if the rate of aging is addressed at all, it is much more likely that the characters develop at the same rate as humans until they reach their 20s, at which point they'd be fully mature physically and from then on their bodies would simply not break down and display signs of aging as quickly as a humans. It makes no sense for a humanoid species to remain in a state of helpless infancy for decades or spend hundreds of years going through puberty. The only times you'll usually ever see something like that in fiction is if it's being played for a joke, or because the writers actually wanted to address how messed-up it would be to be to go through developmental stages like that for so long. Usually it's not even a matter of aging, the characters are just vampires or androids or something stuck at whatever age for eternity, yearning to grow up but never being able to.

Keep in mind however, that physical age and maturity are separate things. There's no reason to think that just because a character is immortal or long-lived that they mature as slowly as they age. Maturity has a lot more to do with life experience than physical growth, especially once your brain finishes developing at around 25. Often in fiction, when dealing with an immortal adolescent, being condescended to as if they were a child is a source of great frustration because they do have the mind of an adult. On the flip side, even in real life some people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s may be stuck in a state of arrested development, with teenagers surpassing their level of maturity.

My personal interpretation of Zim is that he's a manchild. He probably aged more or less like a human until his 20s and then stayed physically 20-25 for decades or centuries until the time the show takes place. He's just so immature he finds his equal in a 12-year-old human child. However, if he were to stay on earth long enough, I could see him maturing along with his peers at skool and starting to act more his age when they get into their 20s, (assuming he actually follows them to hi skool and college and doesn't just keep repeating 6th grade forever). If he stuck around Dib and Gaz into their 30s and beyond, I could see him continuing to match their level of maturity into their old age while he remains physically young.

If you have a problem with Zim being canonically an adult pretending to be a child, I don't know what to tell you guys. Like, if you think it's sad, that's the point. Literally, in the commentary for Mortos, Jhonen says that's the joke. That Zim's "basically an old man" getting into slap-fights with actual children and it's funny because it's so pathetic. If you think it's creepy, that's also kinda the point. He's a villain. The fact that he's not even human and that he's plotting the demise of the human race is already disturbing. He steals a bunch of children's organs in like, the third episode. He used time-traveling rubber piggies to maim and eventually kill Dib starting from when he was a toddler and then took a victory sip after watching the life leave his eyes. The entire concept of Zim is inherently sinister and predatory. But at the same time, Zim being a sexual threat is completely off the table. Canonically, he's aroace. He has no reproductive organs and no sex drive. He finds humans repulsive, and between that, his germophobia, and general paranoia it would be far more in-character for him to be terrified of the prospect of unwanted sexual advances than to be a sexual predator himself. That's why I don't think anybody thought too hard about Zim trying to woo Tak when he thought she was an actual human child, and why you shouldn't either. Yes, he had ill intentions toward her, because he is a bad guy, but those intentions were entirely chaste. Zim is not a threat to children because he might try to manipulate them into inappropriate relationships, he's a threat to children because he might manipulate them into helping him enslave their race.

There's no need to hand-wring about problematic age discourse. We're talking about a horror comedy that was cancelled two decades ago where the prospect of romance was never on the table to begin with. There is no such thing as a canon-compliant romance fanfic, and all fanfic by definition is non-canon anyway so it doesn't even matter. Make the characters whatever ages you want and tweak their characterization or circumstances in whatever ways you need to make whatever the fuck story you wanna tell work. It's all make-believe anyway. You don't need to make up fake quotes or deny or creatively interpret real quotes or bend yourselves into pretzels to prove the age headcanons you use to justify why you do or don't like a ship.

But for fucks sake, if you're gonna go there at least pretend like you know a single goddamned thing about the way aging, development, and maturity work before you unironically make talking points following the same logic as "According to my calculations, this character first portrayed by Tom Hiddleston at age 29 is actually 16".

#invader zim #age discourse #about fictional characters #is so fucking stupid #like #i can't even believe some of the stuff you people say with a straight face #zadr #zadf

[tobegiggledat]

To the One I Greatly Cherish

18+ CONTENT AHEAD MDNI

✦pairings: Nemuri Kayama (Midnight) x afab!reader, Emi Fukukado (Ms. Joke) x afab!reader

✦word count: 4.7k (this part only), 9.4k (total)

✦summary: A series of anonymous love letters fill your inbox days before the world's most notable romantic holiday, but who could possibly be your secret admirer? Will you be able to find out their identity in time for Valentine's Day?

✦warnings: slight angst, guilt, kissing, massages, mutual fingering, oral sex, clit-leashing, vaginal sex, dildos, praise, begging, pet names (angel)

✦a/n: A special fic for the folks that only got love from fictional characters this year (me)

This fic has different endings depending on who you think wrote the letters (you’ll have to choose a link at the bottom), but I’d recommend reading both for the full context.

To the one I greatly cherish,

If you’re captivating eyes manage to stumble upon this message, then you must know how often you cross my mind.

And how there isn't a breath I take that isn't fueled by my desire to be with you one day.

Even from a distance, your presence will continue to consume me, although I'm afraid you won't understand.

Longing for you always,

Your Secret Admirer

It’s only been a day since you’ve discovered that someone wants to pursue you from afar.

The first message from this unknown sender was delivered with an eye-catching header to your school email address, one which you clicked with an urgency, zipping across the romantic lines before your cursor could keep up with you. The thought of it still sends a fresh rush of warm fervor through your system at the possibility of who it may be.

When was the last time someone yearned for you, let alone expressed it in such a heartfelt way?

A blaring bell chimes to interrupt your reminiscence. It's a signal for another day's work at U.A. High School, and as the Heroics Department’s Journalism teacher you mustn’t spend your time idly.

Dozens of students flock to their seats, some bright-eyed and eager to learn, while others give distant, dull gazes you’re certain wouldn’t falter even if the sky were to somehow collapse into your very classroom.

No matter, you’ll teach the subject with utmost enthusiasm as it’s one you’ve been passionate about since youth. Many of your teenage years were spent gathering first hand sources on heroic symbolism, the faults/benefits of quirk regulation, and more. You managed to garner a following for yourself on all socials—though whether you’re a good journalist or not has always been…up for debate.

Today’s lesson goes by swiftly, with you discussing privacy rights and the importance of examining a source’s background and potential interests. It's a lesson you could've used many years ago, nonetheless, you believe you'll shape your students into promising reporters even as you grow from your past mishaps.

The next period gives you an opportunity to collect your thoughts; an empty classroom makes for an empty mind, although your fingers itch to finally text your best friend about the whole “secret admirer” ordeal.

You: Gained a potential love interest today👀

Emi: Right, and it's not that one loser from the bar again is it?

You: Hmm, maybe. They're a secret admirer after all

Emi: So, secretly the loser from the bar?

You: I’d hope not, but the secret part does make that sound a bit more alluring.

You: Let's grab coffee later so I can tell you more.

Your phone slides from your hands and onto the desk in exchange for the stack of papers you were meant to grade. Your pointy, red pen taps against your bottom lip as you scan over the neat arrangement of letters at the top of the stack, checking and ticking along the margins then repeating this for the next page or until class ends.

The lunch bell inevitably releases you from your dreary task, and you're quick to align the correct stacks in their designated corners before gathering your lunch box and taking off toward your usual secluded spot.

Students line the walls in minimally chaotic rows, something you've come to appreciate as order is always upheld in U.A. despite how small.

You turn the corner into an empty hall, but your heart plunges into your ass upon looking to the very end of it to discover the long, violet strands and crimson lenses of Nemuri Kayama.

In an instant, you think to escape before she makes out your presence, but just when you turn on your heels to do so she gives you a condescending smirk while raising a palm to give a curt wave.

The controversy of your past always seems to linger.

“Afternoon, Kayama”, you keep your introduction brief upon clashing with her stark center amidst the path.

“Professor Kayama”, she corrects snobbishly. “Remember, this is a school environment, not one of your trashy articles.” Her shapely brows frown as she grits her teeth.

You give her a faux grin to appease her ridiculous standards of professionalism. “Trashy or blunt truths you chose to avoid?”

Her eyes nearly roll back into their sockets. “If you're the source of truth, then maybe the world is too incapable to seek it themselves.” Kayama whips her hair away with a pale hand, the click-clack of her heels echoing against the tile as she storms off.

You're just glad the whole thing is over with.

You stumble upon your destination; a quiet gated area outside the back of the school. The trees around it are ample of life, leaving shadowy freckles of shade across your skin as you sit beneath its thick heads of leaves.

Your head turns to and fro while you attempt to spot the signature dark wardrobe of your occasional accompanier, but it seems he hasn't arrived today.

Besides you and Aizawa, no one else has noticed this area's unusual privacy, but it makes things all the more peaceful.

You chow down on leftovers from yesterday's dinner then depart to begin teaching the last two classes; stringing together repetitions from the lesson earlier except with more exaggeration on the privacy aspect.

You head out to meet Emi minutes before the final bell rings, giving your class an early dismissal as long as they agree to go about it quietly.

You've known Emi since high school, although you ultimately decided to teach at U.A. for more newsgathering opportunities. Emi never lets you hear the end of it as she jokingly calls you the traitor of Ketsubutsu whenever you'd mention your experiences there.

While you weren't in the heroics program back when you were a student, you made notable achievements as an intern for a national website by investigating scandals of corrupt heroes and crafting opinion pieces on the ethics of hero society.

You met Emi at the beginning of your first-year orientation, with the two of you sitting beside each other at the assembly hall, playing off of each other's jokes in whispers and concealed giggles to keep yourselves entertained.

You could never bring yourself to admit that she's the funniest of the two of you, but you've always spoken of how you admire her approach to heroism as she brings smiles to civilian's faces even without the use of her quirk.

Sweet aromas of vanilla and herbs waft through the coffee shop air, with dim lights illuminating the rustic interior and dark wooden tables placed in all corners.

Emi’s seated near the end of the cafe and has already ordered you and her drinks. You make your way to her table, teeth gleaming and eyes bright while meeting her own eager, chartreuse ones.

“Hey, what’s the news?”Emi chirps, sliding a cup to your end of the table.

You hold the drink firmly before releasing a small sigh. “Not much to tell. I still don’t have the slightest clue as to who they might be.”

“I’m excited!” Her smile grows wider as she twists side to side with glee. “What’ll you do once you find out?”

“Probably marry them or something. I mean, no one has ever gone through this much effort for me”, you jape despite the depressing reality of your words, then take a sip of your drink, savoring the familiar flavors with each gulp.

She puckers her lips to give a playful pout. “Does this mean you’ll replace me?” She asks with fake weariness. “Does what we have mean so little to you?”

You reassure her teasingly, “Don’t worry, I’ll marry you next if things don’t work out this time.”

She taps her lips with her straw as if considering. “With such a good offer, I’m not sure if I want to help you with this anymore.”

“Oh, come on, Emi. You know I’ll always love you.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll help you”, she relents. “Maybe you should try picking a person close to you and observing them.”

“Hmm…funnily enough, I’m not that close to any of my coworkers. It’s weird I received a love letter through my school email at all.” You reach down to take another hefty sip.

“But there’s gotta be someone you know at least a little more than the others.”

You take a moment to ponder. “Sometimes, I sit with Aizawa during lunch, although we don’t talk often so we just enjoy each other’s silences.”

Emi’s brows raise noticeably. “Yikes…if anything I’d think he’s your least likely candidate.”

“I know, but there aren’t many options to choose from. Kayama hates me, I hardly get a chance to speak to Mic or Vlad outside of meetings, and All Might is…All Might.”

“Well, if Aizawa is your best bet there shouldn’t be harm in looking into him anyways, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so...”

You and Emi’s talk concludes with exchanged hugs before you take your train home, contemplating Emi’s suggestion and how to go about your approach.

When you arrive, you hastily discard your work clothes before putting on something more comfortable and lounging on your bed to reread the email you received.

Is this really something Aizawa would write, you hesitantly contemplate to yourself, scanning over the flowery words and recoiling at the idea of him putting them together—you ultimately decide it’s tomorrow's problem.

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

To the one I greatly cherish,

I hope you’re pleased reading my messages as much as I am while writing them.

As the time passes, I find my days to be progressively trivial without you.

My most profitable successes are worthless as they’re void of your companionship. My biggest fear overlaps with my inability to have you.

Will we ever be united? It’s up to fate to decide.

Continuing to be blessed by you,

Your Secret Admirer

Today’s letter creates new waves of violent jitters along your spine, coupling with the preexisting dread that’s already palpitating through your system at the thought of approaching Aizawa about it.

You’re unsure how you’d feel if you found out he truly had feelings for you, and while you told Emi you’d probably reciprocate them, you can’t say that for certain.

You've grown to respect Aizawa to some degree after investigating his days as the underground hero, Eraserhead, but nothing more as of yet.

Only time will tell, for now you’d just like to get to the bottom of who’s been plotting to romance you, once and for all.

The lunch bell eventually stirs to life, and with your steeled resolve, you hurriedly pace along the halls, toward the back of the school.

The dark blue doors feel heavy against your palms as you press on them to finally arrive at the shaded area. Its lulling atmosphere is as undisturbed as you expected, you spot Aizawa’s rugged form on a bench, faced away and gazing at the limited scenery of the campus.

“Hey, is it okay if I sit here?” You ask upon approaching him while awkwardly hovering outside his range of sight.

He nods slightly but makes no effort to turn your direction.

You take a seat beside him, picking at the prints of your fingers to occupy yourself and the silence. “It’s beautiful weather for February, isn’t it? I honestly expected a little more snow”, you finally attempt to break the tension.

He hums softly in agreement but nothing more.

“Valentine’s day is right around the corner, but I’m not one to usually celebrate it”, you pause, clenching your peeling fingers into a snug fist. “What about you—”

“You’re awfully chatty today”, Aizawa interrupts, his voice gruff with irritation as his hands hook along the sides of his scarf.

Your words are nearly caught on your tongue. “I’m sorry?”

“If this is for one of your news columns or something, I have no interest in gossiping.”

You sneer, turning fully to face him, but only his stoic, disinterested profile can be seen. “That’s not my field of work and you know it. Haven’t you read any of my reports?”

“Possibly, but it’s not like I’d remember those kinds of things.”

Ouch.

“Whatever, it’s nothing. Sorry to have bothered you.” You defeatedly rise from your seat, throat and eyes stinging from the heat that grows with each step you take toward the door.

This isn’t the first time your work has been reduced to pandering nonsense, but for some reason it hurts way more than usual.

“Fuck”, you mutter quietly, sniffling away in the nearest bathroom stall as you try to collect yourself.

Has it really been that long since you’ve written something that deconstructed the masses view on heroics? You must’ve grown too complacent at this school—in fact, this is where it all went wrong.

Choosing to become a teacher instead of risking your comfort to uncover hidden truths wasn’t what you initially planned.

But is it so wrong to change paths even when your prior choice was deemed more impactful?

Is it so wrong to write proposals about a hopeful, nonexistent future than to expose more darkness of a knowingly ineffective society? You’ve long realized the corruption runs deeper than you ever could’ve hoped to shed light on. You journal about the new era of quirks, searching for an ability that’ll make the old way of things seem outdated.

Is that too foolish to look forward to?

Your phone vibrates along your clothes’ seams, and you swiftly remove it from your pocket as you swipe away the last of your tears.

Emi: Soo, is Aizawa dying to be with you or what???

A small smile creeps up your cheeks at her overwhelming interest.

You: Nope. It was a complete shut down.

Emi: It’s okay. I’ve been there too, Aizawa’s tough.❤️

A hefty exhale escapes you before you finally make yourself presentable enough to return to your classroom and finish teaching for the rest of the day.

Once classes end, Mic summons all of the heroics teachers into the teacher’s lounge to invite everyone out for drinks in celebration of his podcast’s growing success.

You: I was invited to go to a club with my coworkers tomorrow night, should I go?

Emi: Yes!! How else will you find your true love?!

You: Yeah, but with Aizawa and Kayama it'll be awkward :(

Emi: Aizawa doesn't go out on school days so you should be down at least one problem

You: Fair enough, I’ll just try to avoid Kayama the whole night🥲

Now, the only thing left to do is prepare yourself for another long day of hardships…

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

To the one I greatly cherish,

Come find me on Valentine’s Day so that I'll be rightfully yours. Let your heart guide you to the correct choice if you feel the same as I.

Thinking of you fondly,

Your Secret Admirer

Unlike the emails from before, today's love letter arrives a half hour after school ends rather than before it starts, and is much briefer in length.

You’re expected to somehow discover the identity of your admirer within a few days and without much to go off of.

It’s almost like they never wanted to be discovered in the first place.

Sharp pin-pricks zip through palms and into your twitching fingertips as the nervous chill that’s pervaded your body attempts to find an outlet through your skin.

If only they knew their longing is being reciprocated…

You aid your shudders with disordered breaths, mentally counting each dry pant before drafting a text to update Emi on the state of your situation.

To pass the time before meeting with your coworkers and to get your mind off the whole letter ordeal, you spend the rest of the evening formulating your lesson plans for the next week.

It’s tedious but necessary work as you ultimately decide on journalism ethics and informed opinions for the topics.

Emi still hasn’t responded to your texts since before classes ended, although you know she’ll want you to persist with going out anyways.

Nighttime arrives and you promptly put together a casual yet tasteful look then exit your home with the weight of the world seemingly trapped in your chest. The ride there is even more disorienting with clammy passengers cramming all corners of the train and bracing themselves for each turn with the lack of space.

Luckily, the trip is short as you find yourself standing before the glowing green lights of the club’s name etched in neon, with purple hues also trailing the rim of it and leading down to the snowy glass doors.

You tug at the elongated handles, breath caught in your throat as you take your first steps toward the source of your unease.

Ambient music sweeps through your ears, its vibrations jolting enough to stir the hairs on your skin and rattle the depths of your bones. Your eyes drift across the arrangement of floundering civilians to spot the bright yellow of Mic’s hair as he’s seated on a stool closest to the front of the bar.

His hands flail outwardly to make exuberant gestures while he speaks to a hooded man beside him. Kayama also sits near Mic, slender fingers cupped around a glass with a salted rim and lemon. Her glossy lips meet the edge of it as her gaze passes between Mic and the unfamiliar man as they speak.

How long will you continue to watch from a distance?

Your hands cup the sides of your arms for comfort—but suddenly, as if Kayama could feel the force of your stare, her intense blue irises spot you in her periphery before promptly shifting away.

Your body moves backward mechanically to leave until you feel your phone chime against you.

Call me, the message from Emi reads, and you take off toward a dark, empty hallway at the end of the club to do just that.

Thankfully, the area is quiet and private enough for you to make the call.

“Hey, have you reached the bar yet?” Emi cheerfully answers after the first ring.

You press the phone tightly to your ear. “Yeah, but I’m not sure if I can do this anymore. I feel so out of place here”, your voice drifts as you speak, tone shaky and uncertain.

“I get what you mean. It must be exhausting to perform in front of people you’re not really familiar with.”

“Right. I just never expected having a secret admirer to be so…stressful.” Your head falls back against the wall as you shut your eyes gently. “How will I ever find out who they are if they never plan to reveal themselves?”

“I’m not sure, but if you really want to find out this may be your only chance.”

“Yeah, then I should probably get back to it... Thanks, Emi.” You take a last sigh of relief before reluctantly hanging up to go back to the rest of the group.

As you turn the corner to retreat, a dizzying force crashes into you and sends your heels tumbling backward, scrambling for a tidbit of balance.

Before an apology could form on your tongue, you recognize the passerby as no one other than Kayama and begin to pull yourself away.

“ ‘m sorry, just came to check up on you”, Kayama’s words are slightly slurred as she speaks. She clumsily swipes her purple wisps from her deeply stained cheeks. Her eyes are glassy, pupils blown as they examine you with an intrigue you’ve never witnessed from her.

“Are you drunk?” You ask hesitantly, but she only blinks at you slowly.

“Just tipsy, but come on.” Her hand locks around your wrist as she pulls you along the halls to lead you back to the bar, and for some reason you don’t pull away. You opt to be dictated by her impulse despite the conflict that’s always existed between you.

Mic and the stranger have gone off somewhere by the time you both return. Kayama pulls herself to the counter and orders another round of shots after awkwardly pointing along the lengthy menu provided to her.

Three clear glasses are slid in front of you with a smirk passing over Kayama’s lips.

You question if her actions are a drunken whim or a genuine attempt to mend your strained dynamic, but you don’t think it matters much.

This’ll make things easier, right?

Fuck it. You gulp down all three shots consecutively, jaw tightening as the burning liquid courses down your throat and through your chest. Heat seeps into your nerves while the alcohol begins to conquer your judgment.

Kayama’s smile grows wider, a giddy hum passing through her lips. “Let’s have some fun!” She redirects you once more, except to the dance floor as the next song begins to play.

Her body begins to sway delicately to the thrums of each beat, a series of synchronized yet hypnotic movements possessing her limbs as her piercing eyes remain on yours.

She shuffles a little closer then places a soft palm on your shoulder, trailing down along your sleeves then grasping your hand again tightly. She twirls away on the tips of her feet, free hand extended outward, before pulling into you and pressing her back firmly against your chest, while her hips curve into your own.

As quickly as she spins into you, she turns back to face you with her features no more than a breath away from yours. She stills for a moment, quietly taking in each ridge across your cheeks and the delicate shape of your lips.

“You’re really hot, y’know that?” She speaks tenderly against you, although there’s an underlying sadness as she utters it, one her facial expression seems to mimic as well.

“Buut…I still haven’t forgiven you”, she winks without any trace of her earlier gloom present. The heat of her closeness disappears to leave you cold and aching as she turns away to leave the club without another word.

Her words still echo across your synapses while the clarity of her silhouette slowly fades until gone completely.

You've wronged her but have yet to atone even though the guilt of your actions continue to fester and swell in your chest to engrave rotten, pus-filled holes in the walls of your heart. It oozes and drips into your veins as it spoils you, body and mind.

Would she ever accept your pleas of forgiveness if you were to give them to her? Does she too believe that the tight-walk around the conversation has gone on for too long?

You anxiously text Emi on the way home.

You: I think I may have found my secret admirer

Maybe the letters were a ruse to finally address things once and for all…

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

The very next morning Emi sends a message to your school email.

Hey

No service right now but email me back if you need anything :)

Emi

A wave of relief washes over you now that you’ve been given the reasoning for Emi’s lack of responses.

You’re eager to give her more juicy details on your valentine, but you’d rather discuss with her in person once classes end.

Today is a typical Friday, with students excitedly whispering discussions of their weekend plans, and teachers assigning the appropriate amount of coursework for the next two days off.

Despite the upcoming weekend, you won’t be at ease as Valentine’s Day will be on the approaching Monday and you’re still dissatisfied with your “investigation”.

You’ve yet to see Midnight, even after intentionally passing her classroom, but other than that classes go by swimmingly.

Emi receives your email begging her to let you come over to her apartment so that the two of you can chat and she obliges.

Still dressed in your work attire, you give a few taps on the beige door to Emi’s apartment, which opens the moment your knuckles retreat from its smooth wood.

"Hey, come on in”, Emi greets, swiftly turning so that you'd follow her into her lavish living room, adorned with patterned wallpaper and two lime-green suede sofas at the center.

She sits on the farthest end of one of the couches and you join right beside her. The small coffee table before you is already decorated with snacks and drinks, you smile at the thought of having another movie night or sleepover with her.

“So tell me about it already”, Emi says, eyes wide and fingers clasped together as if she’s pleading.

“Emi, you're not going to believe me when I tell you who it is”, you begin as you reach passively for a bottle of water to occupy your hands.

She gasps. “No way, is it Kayama?”

You nod with a smug grin. “I think so, but I'm not one-hundred percent sure yet.”

“What makes you think it's her? She totally hates you.”

“That's what I thought too, until she started dancing with me at the club the other night.”

Emi claps her palms over her mouth as you continue, her emerald brows nearly touching the soft hairs of her hairline.

“We were both a bit drunk but I still think it was odd she tried to initiate anything with me at all.”

“Did you get a chance to talk with Mic or the others?” Emi asks with undeviating attention.

“No, not once. I doubt they had anything to do with this otherwise they would've made an attempt to reach out to me.” You focus on the feeling of the cool condensation on your fingers as you speak, rolling the thin plastic bottle between each hand.

Emi hums in agreement. “Good point. And going by the emails, this person must really-really like you. They're not just someone who passed you by and thought you were cute.”

“Yeah, putting it that way means Midnight is the only one I’ve had a history with, even though we’ve…drifted apart.” You let out a deep sigh before finally taking a few gulps of water. “Emi, things would’ve been so much easier if you were the one behind this.” Your pouty eyes meet hers, and for a second her expression is unreadable.

“What if I actually was?” She asks softly, but her features are stern as she awaits your reply. Her body unconsciously shifts closer to you while yours goes rigid.

“You mean, you’re my secret admirer?”

“Mhmm.” Her stare slowly trails to your lips and lingers there for what feels like an eternity.

You swear your cheeks are searing to the touch as warmth spreads beneath your skin from the intensity of her look.

“I’m just kidding!” Emi suddenly beams then playfully taps your shoulder. “You should’ve seen the look on your face.”

“Don’t joke like that Emi. My heart was racing.” You can’t bring yourself to look her in the eyes.

“Good, that means you’ve fallen for me.”

Shortly after talking with Emi, she puts on a romcom that she's been wanting to see for ages, but you can hardly pay any attention to it.

Are you overthinking what she said earlier?

It feels like you’ve known Emi forever, but it’s still hard to tell when she’s being serious at times.

Maybe you shouldn’t brush off the possibility of there being some truth to what she suggested, after all, she could’ve easily sent you those emails at any moment.

You decide not to sleepover at Emi’s house that night due to the unusual nervousness that accompanies you at the thought of sharing a bed with her.

Under the comfort of your duvet, you look into the pitch-black darkness of your room, silently meditating on what you’ve gathered while looking into your admirer's identity.

You vividly recall Kayama’s fleeting interest in spending time with you and how it correlates with the sudden letters. Do her feelings for you remain despite all that’s happened?

You also begin to ruminate the feel of Emi’s harsh stare as she spoke with you earlier. When she entertained your misled thoughts about the emails, was it merely façade?

After deliberating, only one conclusion seems most sensical to you. The orchestrator of it all has to be

Emi ✦ Kayama

#midnight smut #midnight x reader #nemuri kayama x reader #ms joke x reader #ms joke smut #emi fukukado x reader #ms joke #mha x gender neutral reader #pro hero x reader #mha smut #bnha smut #bnha x reader #mha x reader

[lifmera]

Hello! Hope you're having a good day and that everything's going well! If it isn't too much to ask I would like to have a pairing with a Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel character, preferably male. * So a little bit about myself! My pronouns are He/They but actually like to present myself as feminine at times * Most people said that the first time they saw me they thought I was mean and actually scary and I think it was because of my stern look and whenever someone would ask me something I would give them short cold answers.. but I'm not that. I'm actually a little shy but once you know me I'm just super lively, loving to sing (even if I suck at it), always cracking a joke and just wanting to enjoy the moment. Despite all that I'm actually pretty calm at times and offer some heartfelt and harsh advice. Whenever that happens I just go full on serious mode and prefer to listen first and instead of solving the persons problems, I rather guide them in the right direction. * Likes! I love to do creative things, like writing and drawing, and to read, specially dystopian fiction. I also take a great interest in astronomy, magic things like witchcraft and bones (I can't explain it-). As for music it's basically a little bit of everything with both jazz and pop being way up. * In a relationship I prefer.. the less touching possible the better. That being said my main love languages are quality time and gift giving. Although I don't really enjoy touching, I wouldn't mind if my partner want hugs or something like that. And that's it! Sorry if it was too long and don't feel pressured to do it right away! Take your time and don't forget to drink plenty of water and rest! Hope you have a good day!

Hi hun!! Ofc!!

And finally my first Helluva req!!

And thank you sweetheart 💞 honestly i think Stolas would fit too.

I’ve decided to pair you with BLITZØ & ALASTOR!!!

Ill do Alastor first!

He’d definitely love and find you intriguing. Stone cold?

When he finds out more about you, he was honestly surprised.

Although he’d probably do duets with you, he’d LOVE to hear your jokes.

Especially if they are dad jokes cus … he is a huge dad joke.

He likes that you are able to be calm in situations, and help through situations too!

He would look to you for some advice, just to make sure he believes he’s right!

If you listen to Jazz? He’s spending all his time with you. And def listening to Jazz.

He would force you to chat about fav artists w him.

You both dislike physical touch, and he appreciates it. He would prefer acts of service and words of affirmation.

Now Blitzo!

He also presents feminine sometimes! He thinks it’d be fun to do together.

He definitely got attracted to you with that stone cold look, and short replies !! At first anyways.

Once he also gets to know you, he definitely would love to hang out with you!

Although you may not be the best singer- NEITHER IS HE!!! And he enjoys singing, or listening.

He is also always cracking jokes, so you both are cackling at EVERY MOMENT!!

He will always look to you for advice, and he doesn’t do that for anyone else either. He’s pretty reserved.

He would’ve probably confided into you about fizz, his mom, stolas and everything else at that moment in time.

Your interest in astronomy and witchcraft reminded him of Stolas, but instead of Stolas sexual nature- he has someone he really will care and show up for.

If you can draw, he will FORCE you to teach him. HE NEEDS TO DRAW HIS PONIES!! and obviously to make up for the shitty art lessons he got.

He would totally listen to your stories, because it would remind him of Millie and Moxxie, and he wants what they have.

He listens to more metally type of music, but boy will he listen to anything. Honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if he started listening to country??

I also think that Blitz isn’t big on physical touch either. He would be icked out. He thinks that words of affirmation and quality time are better. He knows you’re listening to him and willing to be there!

#hazbin hotel x reader #helluva boss x reader #hazbin lilith #hazbin cherri bomb #hazbin nifty #hazbin vaggie #hazbin charlie #hazbin angel dust #hazbin alastor #hazbin husk #hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #hazbin vox #hazbin velvette #hazbin adam #hazbin lute #hazbin sera #hazbin emily #hazbin carmilla #hazbin rosie #hazbin zestial #helluva boss #helluva stolas #helluva blitzo #helluva loona #helluva fizzarolli #helluva millie #helluva moxxie #helluva asmodeus #helluva beelzebub

[ciaossu-imagines]

For the 6 characters and what you'd do with them. Can we add "sit down and have a serious talk with them" and do all 7 of Tsunas Guardians? (Mukuro AND chrome)

Oh, this one is so fun! I love the extra prompt you came up with as well though the choices for this were so hard to make!

The character I'd push off a cliff

Honestly, it would be Lambo. I mean, I love Lambo more than a considerable portion of the fandom does and he amuses me greatly, but he can still be an awfully annoying brat and I'd probably get fed up and punt him off a nearby cliff by accident. However, let's all admit that Lambo takes a lot of very physical damage in canon that's equivalent to being tossed off a cliff or worse and he still keeps ticking after all of it, so he'd probably be okay after being sent over a cliff.

The character I'd kiss

Well, to make a terrible joke, depression and a complete lack of regard for my physical and mental well-being at times (I'm honestly trying and improving guys, don't take this too too seriously) means that I do not fear death, I welcome it. So I'm kissing Hibari. Might as well go out doing something fun and leaving an impression on someone, haha!

The character I'd marry

Okay, but he's not even, nor has he ever truly been, my favourite or one of my fictional others, but even I have to admit you'd be crazy not to marry Yamamoto. The man will always make you smile and laugh, will be fiercely loyal to you, will have your back, can cook and clean, and my parents would both love and hate him. Perfect marriage material and I'd get the best father in law in the world.

The character I'd set on fire

Ryohei and I could totally get him to not only allow me to do it but have him beg me to do it, if I convinced him that it was some new training method or ritual that only the strongest of fighters can withstand. And I can be pretty damn convincing. Of course, I'd put him out pretty quick because I wouldn't want to cause any actually serious damage.

The character I'd wrap a blanket around

Surprising nobody, it's Chrome. That poor girl has been through so much and she still tries so damn hard to be good and strong and to do her best for those she cares about. And I so badly want her to rest under a pile of warm blankets, in a feather soft bed, in the softest of pyjamas and wake up to breakfast in bed and spend the day getting pampered and doing things that would truly make her happy. I mean, she would probably never let anyone do that for her, but I totally want to.

The character I'd be roommates with

Okay, but these last two are where I had the most fight to decide who to put but in the end, I just have to admit that living in the filth that Kokuyo Land is would legitimately probably kill my very clean, everything in its place, super organized, obsessive-compulsive ass so I will have to go with that I would room with Gokudera. Honestly, I think that as long as we weren't in a pandemic like situation again where we were stuck together every hour of every day, we could probably survive rooming together without too many major fights, especially since I'm an extremely tolerant person who hates conflict, so I would shoulder and grin and bear a lot of his more unpleasant traits and just continue to live in ways that worked for the both of us.

The character I'd sit down and have a serious talk with them

Okay, but who wouldn't look at Mukuro at some point and be like 'bitch, why are you like this? Like, seriously? And all these plans and plots of yours? To what end? And then, after you succeed, what then?' Because I love Mukuro and I love his characterization and his growth and development through the story but sometimes you really do have to wonder if he's even figured it all out, if he even knows what he truly wants and desires and why.

#replies #ask game #katekyo hitman reborn #khr

[ontologicalsynaesthesia]

Building a Queer Narrative Universe in Our Flag Means Death

I appreciate the deliberate decision of David Jenkins and the other OFMD writers to not make being queer An Issue; to not have any on-screen coming out scenes or any overt homophobia. But I find it really interesting how they slowly introduce queer stuff into the show before Ed and Stede's romance even really starts, to normalize it for the audience. By the time Ed and Stede almost kiss at the end of episode 5, we've seen ample evidence that the pirate world is very queer; this helps prime the audience to interpret Ed and Stede's relationship as genuinely queer as well. And since Stede is sort of the audience proxy for learning about the pirate world, it helps put Stede into an emotional position for a queer romance as well.

Every work of fiction, even those that strive towards maximum realism (which OFMD obviously does not), takes place in a unique, constructed narrative universe that operates under a specific set of rules. And every work of fiction has to spend a varying amount of time teaching those rules to the audience. Works in clear, well-established genres and settings have less work they have to do here: with most regency romance novels, the audience goes in knowing what kind of characters they're going to get, what kind of story beats, what kind of actions and reactions will and won't be allowed. And even though the book takes place in a fictionalized version of regency England that departs in many ways from history, it's a fictionalized version that's been well-established through hundreds of prior works set in a very similar universe.

Authors can play around with the rules of their narrative universe and audience expectations in interesting ways, but if a plot twist truly feels like it comes out of nowhere, in a way that breaks the rules of the narrative universe the author has established up to this point, it's usually bad writing. If a regency romance novel doesn't end with a Happily Ever After for the main couple, that's bad writing, unless the author spent the book carefully establishing that the narrative rules of this universe don't work the way they would typically work in a romance novel. And the author of such a book would have their work cut out for them, as they'd be working against audience expectations reinforced by the weight of the large body of "played-straight" regency romance work that came before.

So, to bring it back to Our Flag Means Death: even though OFMD takes place in what is ostensibly a version of real-life history (as opposed to a totally fictional secondary world like Westeros), this "history" is still a constructed fictional universe with its own set of rules. And these rules are pretty unusual for a TV show. There's a lot that can be said and has been said about OFMD's narrative universe - the "different characters come from different genres" theory as a basis for analysis gets into one aspect of it. What I want to focus on here is how OFMD carefully and intentionally builds the rules of its universe to normalize queerness in such a way that the eventual romance between the two male leads doesn't feel like a twist that comes out of nowhere, even though that kind of romance would be impossible under the rules of most TV shows. OFMD is fighting against a lot of audience expectation here, and it has to establish that its rules are different.

So, to break down what I think are the most important moments:

In episode 2, Lucius tells Jim he's gay.

This is the first clear and overt reference to queerness in the show, and it establishes three things right off the bat:

Queerness exists in the universe of this show, at all. This isn't the case in every TV show! Some television depicts a version of the world exclusively inhabited by straight cis people. That was the norm a few decades ago, though these days it's less common.

Queer characters exist in the universe of this show. (As opposed to say, shows that will make gay jokes but never actually depict any queer characters onscreen.) In fact, a major secondary character can be queer in this show.

Homophobia exists in the universe of this show. (This is pretty clearly implicit in how Lucius talks about being gay as something to be kept secret.) David Jenkins has talked about how he wanted to avoid depicting overt homophobia, but it does exist and has an unspoken impact on pretty much all the queer characters. That said, this is one of only two times the existence of homophobia is even obliquely referred to in dialogue, and I think both times are very calculated (the other time is Calico Jack with "anything goes at sea", which I'll address later.) The existence of homophobia is established at the same time queerness is established, so that the audience can know that's an undercurrent as the queer storylines unfold later in the show, even if the characters don't talk about it.

Episode 3 is the episode of "MAAAN FOR SAAALE!"

Stede is blissfully out of his depth in the Republic of Pirates and gets himself, Lucius, and the English prisoner mistaken for prostitutes.

At this point in the show, it's not really clear that homosexuality isn't going to be punchline of any jokes - the audience could conceivably interpret the scene this way. But I think it's notable that Stede's objection is to being mistaken for a prostitute, not to being approached by a man.

This scene is a joke, but it establishes that queer pirates are not restricted to just Lucius, to both the audience and to Stede. It's immediately obvious to both Lucius and the rest of the crew (who all nope out back to the ship very quickly) that Stede's sales pitch is going to get him approached by someone like that skeezy guy sooner or later.

I think it's interesting the Lucius does actually explain to Stede what's going on, even though he's potentially risking unleashing homophobia in his boss by doing so. It kind of sets up Lucius's future role as More Experienced Gay Guide and Relationship Counselor for Stede and Ed.

Episode 5 gives us Lucius hooking up with Pete, and Lucius' and Izzy's contest of wills.

There a lot to unpack there ("ooOOOhh daddy" still haunts me), but this episode establishes:

Not only do queer major characters exist in this show, but they have queer sex. This isn't a given even in shows with queer major characters - OFMD has to show us that it does apply here.

Queerness is normalized among both Ed's and Stede's crews. Lucius and Pete hook up, but it's not just them: we also see that Wee John finds their hookup absolutely unremarkable, and later Lucius sketches Fang naked (and Wee John is also just chilling there again for some reason). Izzy is the odd one out here. He tries to make fun of Lucius' gayness and effeminacy, but he just embarrasses himself - OFMD shows us here that this isn't a narrative universe where queerness can be the punchline of a joke.

Lucius, Pete, and Izzy have the B plot in the episode, and it kind of primes the audience to see Ed and Stede's almost kiss at the end of the episode for what it is. In OFMD's universe major characters can be and are queer, and can have queer relationships with each other, and that's something that's framed as sweet, not funny; that sets the audience up to read the scene under the moonlight as it's intended, and to not think it might be a joke or unintentional, the way it would be in a lot of other TV universes.

Episode 6 continues the story of Lucius' and Pete's relationship.

and shows Pete admitting that he really cares about Lucius and Lucius kissing him.

So queer major characters don't just have queer sex, but also queer romantic love; and they will even kiss onscreen about it. Kissing is not totally synonymous with romantic love in real life, but in TV it is a universally understood bit of narrative vocabulary that almost always tells us two characters have unambiguously romantic feelings for each other. It's such an established piece of vocabulary that without a kiss, there's always a level of plausible deniability that the relationship might not be romantic, even if it's signalled to be romantic in lots of other ways - which is why people tend to talk about kisses though they're the gold standard of queer romantic relationship representation onscreen. In this episode, OFMD show us that the rules of its universe do allow queer kissing, and by extension real queer romantic love.

(I want to add that I don't mean I think Lucius and Black Pete's relationship is there only to set up Ed and Stede's; they're there as a fun sweet subplot in their own right. But they do also serve to pave the way for Ed and Stede's relationship.)

By episode 8, we've basically established the rules of this universe, and we've even verbally established through Lucius, in episode 7, that Ed and Stede have romantic feelings for each other. But OFMD isn't just establishing these rules for us; the show is also establishing the rules for Stede, the outsider to the pirate world alongside the audience. Stede wasn't actually around for most the rule-establishing scenes I've talked about in the previous episodes, and he comes from a world where being queer isn't normalized, isn't safe. (While David Jenkins holds back from depicting overt homophobia, it's very much the undercurrent behind the bullying Stede went through from his father and peers.)

So there's still one crucial scene in episode 8: Calico Jack's conversation with Stede over their, uh, literal pissing contest.

Jack is kinda trying to bully Stede, but in doing so he strips away the last few reasons Stede might have for holding back from pursuing a romantic relationship with Ed, and gives the audience the last few building blocks to set the stage for Stede's and Ed's kiss in the following episode.

We're reminded again that homophobia does exist in the non-pirate world, the world Stede comes from - if "anything goes at sea", the implication is that it doesn't on land. As the audience, we haven't really seen any indications of it since episode 2 (except for whatever's going on with Izzy). But Stede has got to be very aware of it. It's possible Stede has noticed Lucius and Pete's relationship on the ship (and I feel like we can't be 100% sure he has, because like, I love Stede, but he's often pretty oblivious to things that aren't about him. They did kiss in front of him, but he was kind of impaled on a sword at the time.) But even if he's noticed it, there's a still an emotional gap between "it's okay for other people to be openly queer here" and "it's okay for me to be open queer here", especially for someone who's used to a more homophobic culture. Jack is straight up telling Stede, "you know, it is actually okay for you to be queer here" - and no one has told him that so directly before. (I'm pretty confident that Stede already knew he was into men before this, but there's a big gap between knowledge and action. I've written a post about this before.)

Stede learns that Ed has had sex with men before. His response that "Ed's past is Ed's business" makes me think that Ed has not actually told Stede much about his prior romantic or sexual history, and this is news to Stede. So Stede was just told that it's fine for him to be queer here, and then he's told that Ed already is. And there's got to be some insecurity in it coming from Jack ("Ed has hooked up with this asshole and not me?"), but like, Stede now knows for certain that a) Ed absolutely could return his feelings, and probably does, and b) Ed has historically had no problem acting his queer feelings. So why should Stede?

The information about Ed and Jack also establishes to the audience that this is a universe where being queer and having queer sex isn't restricted to secondary characters, even important secondary characters, but can apply to the leads as well - a much rarer narrative rule in TV, and thus one that needs to be explicitly stated to the audience.

And this is the last building block we need - the show has established and reinforced for us, over the course of the season, that this is a universe in which the two male leads having a romance is absolutely in line with the narrative rules. Plenty of people didn't believe it was going to happen anyway, understandably so - but when Ed and Stede kissed in episode 9, cementing the reality of their romantic relationship in unequivocal TV symbolic vocabulary, the show had carefully laid the universe-building groundwork for it over the previous 8 episodes.

#our flag means death #ofmd meta #ofmd os #still frustrated that I can't include links if I want this to show in the ofmd tag #but too lazy to make a separate further reading reblog. oh well

[syoddeye]

@sleepyeugene Answering your ask here because I rambled.

I have so many thoughts about Simon. I've subjected @pfhwrittes to some of the said thoughts before in the comments of For the Record.

Where to start. Simon's a popular character. There are elements to his backstory and how he's portrayed in-game that resonate with people, and I want to be mindful of that. I think folks are protective of how he's characterized because of it, and I try to respect that. 

One of my favorite things, though, just as with the rest of the 141, is the different flavors of Simon that fic writers bring to life. Mean, vicious, evil, apathetic, loser, soft, protective, emotional, etc. If a writer can suck me into their fic's universe and convince me of their brand of Simon, I generally like it. My favorite fic makes a weird multiverse in my brain. At the end of the day, he is a fictional character. A sandbox to play in and create with.

Ok. That said. Everything from here on is about my fic's universe and how I personally characterize him in it.

To borrow from one of my past comments: I won't claim Simon considers Animal/YN a friend. I think close interpersonal relationships are more complicated than that for him. But since John likes her + she's around all the time + she's not the worst, he's warmed to her—a smidgen beyond tolerance. Somewhere below a dad grudgingly accepting the puppy his family adopts but above feeding the local stray. She's clearly a thing in the life of someone important to him, so he might as well get used to it.

I also don't see this particular Simon as being this big mean fellow when he's out of the field, off duty, and off base. He knows how to turn it off and on when needed, and uses it like any other tool in his belt. While I don't think he's fond of spending a lot of time with civilians, as it might be awkward and probably aggravating, I can't see him being an overt asshole if someone doesn't deserve it. 

Lastly, he's a wisecracker. If the corny jokes and constant smartass remarks strewn throughout For the Record don't make that clear, I've failed lol. 

I haven't written anything else long-form featuring Simon, but I reckon if/when I do, my characterization will change to fit the universe/plot. Not so much that Simon loses the base traits that make him him, but a recalibration.

#sy asks #sleepyeugene #for the record

[yellowjacketslesbian]

hi jo! i saw someone shit on the idea of van as a nonbinary butch today and as one myself it made me upset. I love your fics and how you write van so I was wondering if you had any headcanons about van being gnc / nonbinary?

hey! first off, I'm really sorry you saw someone reacting negatively to the idea of nonbinary butch Van. I know it can be really frustrating and upsetting to see someone getting offended at the idea of a fictional character possibly having a similar identity as you. it's like "what's wrong with my identity that makes you deny this character I love and relate to could also be a nonbinary butch lesbian?" (spoiler alert: nothing is wrong with being a nonbinary butch lesbian, some people are just very loud and very wrong)

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! it truly means a lot to know that people like what I write. I'm especially glad that the fics I've written dealing with Van's gender have been well received, and that people could feel seen by them!

I could write multiple essays on Van's gender and why I personally believe they're nonbinary (and why they're already canonically butch), but I'll confine this to just my top nonbinary Van hcs lol

if they had lost states and never gotten on the plane, Van would've gotten a scholarship to NYU and double majored in film and women's & gender studies. They would've become aware of Gender Trouble and Stone Butch Blues through their major, and they also would've met more gnc people in NYC. This would've led to their realization that there are other people like them who share similar experiences. I personally think it would've taken them a year or two to talk to Taissa about it because they didn't want to "burden her with it" (typical Van), but Tai would've been really accepting and went out of her way to read about gender identity and try really hard to understand Van's experiences once they told her. I don't think Van would've been out as nonbinary to anyone besides Tai and close friends until like the early 00s though.

in "canon" where the crash happens, I think it would've taken Van a lot longer to realize they even could be nonbinary. like they had so much trauma to work through, and just surviving was probably a struggle for them. I can really see them spending at least a decade just ignoring any dysphoria they had. they probably also didn't have the same exposure to information about being nonbinary back in the late 90s / early 00s, especially if they weren't living in a very queer area or around academia. I think one of the queer college kids who helped out around their store eventually came out to them as nonbinary in the late 00s. then Van researched being nonbinary so they could be there for them, and that's how Van finally realized they're actually nonbinary.

I think Van would've spent some time exploring what pronouns felt right for them after realizing they're nonbinary, but they would eventually use they/them or they/she by the present day.

I think Van had top surgery in the late 00s in the no crash universe and in the mid-2010s in the "canon" universe

I think that Van's dysphoria is mostly social dysphoria, but I do think they have top dysphoria. I personally read Van's boob jokes in S1 as using humor to deflect from some dysphoria they may have been experiencing at the time. (as a nonbinary lesbian, it reminded me a lot of how I personally dealt with my own dysphoria when I was about Van's age and hadn't yet realized it was dysphoria)

Lastly

important note: all of this is purely my own hcs and opinions, and I am not claiming to know what they will or won't explore canonically on the show. that being said, I am a nonbinary butch lesbian and personally see a lot of myself and my own experiences in Van, and many other nonbinary lesbians also see themselves in Van. we all have every right to hc Van as nonbinary. if you don't like it, you can politely fuck off

#sending good vibes anon #Van is SO nonbinary butch lesbian imo #if you disagree argue with the wall #VAN IS CANONICALLY BUTCH FOR THE LAST TIME #nonbinary Van #nonbinary Van Palmer #nonbinary headcanon #nonbinary Van hcs #van palmer #van yellowjackets