#and i cant ever debate my own fucking issues

[loviingpedri]

Did You Know I Loved You?

prompt: pedri never forgot you

warnings: cursing, grammar issues. all pictures used are not owned by me. not proofread.

word count: 1735

angst, some fluff

dedicated to all my pedri girlies <3

pedri and you were inseparable. from the day you walked into his parents' restaurant, the air suddenly changed. the town seemed to sparkle in tenerife when you two were exploring the island.

"let's play football," pedri slowly kicked the ball to you.

"it's so hot outside though," you groaned at the thought of kicking a ball in the burning sun.

"pleaseee, i wanna practice just for a little bit." you knew you couldn't say no to him. the decision ended up leaving you playing with him until the moon smiled at the duo.

little did you know, the moon never smiled and the sun never glistened after that day.

———————————————————————

“so what? you’re just gonna leave?” you shouted at pedri in disbelief.

“i can do what i want. you can’t control my decisions for the rest of my life,” he sighed and sat down to control his thoughts. “you knew this was gonna happen. i need to grow my career. i wanted to be in a work environment which i enjoyed. just don’t be so self-centered right now.”

“im self-centered? i didn’t even get a warning you would leave to this big city. you knew for weeks. fer knew for weeks. you said i was your family pedro, and family doesn’t hide things from each other.” the yelling echoed through the house. it was a situation that would never be fixed.

“i cant just tell my best friend that i’m leaving in 2 weeks. it would ruin everything. if you knew, you would’ve changed my mind and i wouldn’t be successful for anything.”

“pedro gonzalez, think for one fucking second. you kept a secret that could’ve changed everything. the moments we had together could’ve been more important than anything. i just needed one warning and this wouldn’t be happening. i don’t give a shit that you want to continue your passion. all i always wanted was for us to be happy.” it took everything in your power to not leave the house after you completely lashed out on him.

you knew deep down you didn’t want him to go because he was your first love. he was your first kiss, first friend, and first person to even talk to you in tenerife. you didn’t know who he was gonna see. you sure did not want him to talk to rich girls blinged out with their designer bags. you were scared shitless of how life would be without him. he was the only person who knew everything about you and what you should do in anxious situations.

then, the tears came. would he visit you? would he ever speak to you? would he write or text you? would you ever see him again? will there be time for the two of you to be together again.

“why are you crying? come on, its not that big of a deal.” he huffed loudly, shaking his head in stress that this was not the way this was suppose to happen.

“pedri, you are leaving to the city. i dont even know if i’ll ever get into contact with you anymore. you’ll have new friends, new people to worry about, and probably gonna knock someone up while you’re at it. can’t you just let me process this for one second.” and that’s when you made a mistake. doubting pedri was never a good idea. especially about the people he loved. especially when it came from the person who he loves the most.

pedri got up and looked at you for one last time. unexpectedly, he walked out the door without a word. you sat there in tears, debating to chase him or just let him go. the sobs fully came out.

———————————————————————

2 years had passed since he left. everyday, he thought about you. “what would y/n do? what would y/n say?” he questioned his decisions by following your mindset everyday. he begged his brother to tell how you were doing. never a word budged from fer since the huge fallout spread throughout the city.

tenerife was never the same. since both lost communication, it felt like the island itself was hopeless.

you, continued to push yourself through school. showing everyone that you would do well without him was your motivation. you’ve worked so hard to prove yourself to people that you had a job offer in barcelona.

of course, you accepted the job. people were upset that their beautiful youngin was finally moving on in life. moving into your modern apartment was like a fever dream. you’ve had your doubts, but it was definitely worth it. everyday, there would be news of pedri. pedri, barcelona’s best midfielder. pedri, one of the best young players in the world. pedri, the guy who gets every spanish girl all over him. hell, a video of him was going viral for taking a girl’s number and putting it into his pocket. obviously, it was implied that he would never have a single thought about you. fuck, it was stupid to even try to reach out for him.

after sitting in your living room while trying to find something to entertain yourself that wasn’t pedri related, you decided to go out for once. there seemed so much to do in the city instead of being lazy at home. walking for ages in the wind, you finally found a small cafe to rest. ordering your latte and sitting down, your thoughts were interrupted by a boy.

“excuse me, are you y/n?” said a boy that was not too much younger than you.

“yes i am,” you nodded your head slowly before taking a slow sip. it was a little awkward considering he looked at you in shock.

“i’m sorry. i’m pablo gavi. or known as gavi. you’re the person on pedri’s lock screen. he always talks about you during practice. holy shit, i never thought i would meet you. are you visiting him?”

what the fuck just happened. pedri still remembers me? why am i his lock screen? why does he talk about me? what does he say? for a moment, you sat there trying to understand what he said. gavi, confused on why you’re frozen in time, waved his hand in front of your face to make sure you’re okay.

“oh no, i’m not visiting. pedri and i don’t really talk anymore,” you shook your head and forced a little smile. only to ease the tension of gavi’s then saddened look.

“that’s weird. he talks about you like you’re his girlfriend or something. i thought you were doing long distance,” he shrugged his shoulders. “maybe you should visit camp nou. i think he’ll be happy to see you.”

quickly, you rejected his offer. “oh no, we exactly didn’t end off our friendship in the best terms. i think it’s better if we just don’t see each other again.”

“i insist. i’ll give you my number and i’ll text you all the details.” he took his arm giving you his phone. you bowed your head in defeat and put your phone number in.

unfortunately, everyone’s eyes had been on you and gavi.

———————————————————————

the next morning, your phone was blown up in notifications. your best friend constantly texting you on how you’re viral on twitter. paparazzi snapped pictures of your interaction with gavi.

“fuck.” you mumbled before groaning in defeat. you knew you had faced defeat in keeping a low-profile.

gavi, you knew, was for sure fucked. if pedri had seen the pictures, he was definitely getting beat up.

during practice, gavi kept his best to avoid his best friend. when pedri came up to him, he quickly turned pale.

“what’s wrong with you? you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” pedri patted him on his back with a small laugh. gavi sighed in relief. he’s glad to have all his teeth and no black eye before the game.

“yeah, i’m fine.” and that’s when everything wasn’t. balde came up to him, rubbing his head and patting him.

“so, who’s the new girl? it’s all over the internet and not a word from you.” fuck you balde was the first thought that came to gavi’s head. gavi’s head was pounding. he didnt know what to say, how to react, or what to do.

“wow gavi. what other secrets are you keeping from us. let me see the picture balde.” pedri laughed even harder from the thought of gavi even approaching a girl. at that moment, gavi had to remind himself that he wasn’t 9 anymore. he couldn’t just simply run and cry his way out of this. luckily, balde only showed pedri the picture from the window. when you were facing towards him and could only see him offering his phone. gavi’s blood started to circulate again and his heart rate slowed.

“i cant really see her face, but she looks so familiar to me.” well no shit jackass. that was the girl you’ve been in love with since second grade. in fact, she’s sitting on the side waiting for you.

———————————————————————

your heart was about to jump out in any second. you sat there for two hours for them to be finished with training. each time pedri walked towards your direction, your nerves would start running around. luckily, he didnt see you a single time.

gavi texted you from the locker room that he was coming towards your direction. you never expected this to be happening. you were debating to run away, but your feet forced you to stay. you knew your mind was fighting to hate him, yet your heart convinced you to see him. even if it was the last time. finally, you heard footsteps coming.

pedri was wiping the sweat off his face. he came to a full stop. he thought he was hallucinating. he thought it was a dream. he stared at you for which felt like minutes. admiring your facial features, you sat there frozen. it was harder to read his facial expressions now. did he want you to leave? did he want you there? why isn’t he saying anything?

what felt like years, he started walking towards you. again, your nerves were still jumping. eventually, he made his way in front of you. suddenly, he smiled.

“holy shit you’re beautiful.” the state of confusion turned into love with one simple kiss. your lips connecting made the world happier. the air cleared. the atmosphere was different.

it felt peaceful.

———————————————————————

author’s note: hi everyone! i’m so glad you enjoyed my first story let’s be tourists. this is my second time i’m writing on tumblr, so im still getting use to it. i will be taking requests once i figure out how to set it up. please let me know if you have any suggestions on what i could improve on. thank you for all of the support !!! <3

#pedri gonzalez #pedri #pedri x reader #pedri imagine #fc barcelona #pedri x you #pedri x y/n #pedri gonzalez imagine #pedri gonzalez x reader #pedri gonzalez x you #pedri fanfic #pedri angst

[yourbittertarottruth]

you are so cool and non judgemental to chat with, so thanks very much once again! yeah I think the whole hysteria abojt idols fs in away its intruiging from a non obsessive point of view but for those who do obsess about idols fs are going to be in for a shock whenber idols are revealed to be dating and shock horror, its not themselves.

honestly I regret not really going for it and learning a genuine skill that I could then use later on but sometimes its just matter of having opportunities or being in the right situations to actually gain those skills, for example you could go to a really shitty school and learn something amazing or you can go to a better school but have shitty classmates or teachers that are of no real use to you or courses that arent available and so on and so forth, whilst idols have to go through a lot I do think what they get to do is super cool cause when they pass on they have a legacy to be proud of. Sadly I think it just comes down to them being in the right areas or theyre from the right families who can invest so much into idols gaining their skills and talents. I have yet to really see someone from my country denut in kpop group sooooo it kind of says a lot of where kpop is heading and that they were going to smerica come what may. its just sometimes our situations are very limiting and we cant always win at everything in life either or say you might want to do something but realistically you know its slim to none chances and i think at some point it has an age limit of when you can succeed at it. So even if i wanted to do what i originslly wanted it would take many more years just to get to a good skill and even then you might not be the best at it

I also think sometimes social media makes things neither great nor bad cause people can upload their skills and really empahsis on what they want nowadahs whereas when I was a kid we were doing fuck all with our free time yaknow? kids nowadays shouldnt waste their younger years is what im saying. sometimes i think that i dont fit in with my generation cause of how screen obsessed we all have become and then i dont fit in with newer generations cause they have so many more ways of making success for themselves, im just like what can i offer? honestly not much.

thats also why i lowkey wouldnt mind passing on early just to get out of this screen world that we are in and yet older generations were never bothered with taking selfies then they wouldnt habe been able to get social validation via online, so they were probs happier and things were at least affordable back then. i kinda envy the older generations in that respect, we only got to experience a small handful of years without the pressures of social media and ever since idfk 00s or earlier it kinda went to shit really.

everyone was expected to be online and idk how i really feel about it anymore im sort of over it and modern society generally sucks. so many idols get backlash for no good reason, youtubers who dont do anything wrong get gossiped about and snark pages are endless so even if someone wants to do something amazing with their lives they cant avoid scrutiny of any sorts. its just got way out of hand and its past the point of saying well just dont use it then cause we technically need these devices constantly so ergo its not hard to not be delulu about celebs and the likes either cause its literally everywhere.

Sorry for the late response, been caught up in some important stuff recently (it's not bad stuff LMAO)!! Anyways, thank you so much! I try my best to remain open-minded of any/all perspectives before forming an opinion of my own and even so, I'm very open to hearing others opinions on these matters. Debating issues is something I genuinely enjoy, as long as it is a polite and healthy debate ofc. It is quite interesting, I'd say it has something to do with the "loneliness epidemic" (as I like to call it) of these times. We're in a time where technology is increasing rapidly and human interaction isn't as common, we're more attached to our screens than actual people and that becomes an issue when it places you out of touch with reality! The obsessions over being an FS and whatnot is genuinely awful, like fans hating on idols and their relationships have led to some couples even splitting; look at Lee Jae Wook and Karina from Aespa as our most recent example. It's never too late to try, really. You can learn any skill no matter your age as long as you can put enough effort in, remain disciplined and dedicate time to it! I think your point there is quite valid, but since technology has advanced so rapidly, you can realistically learn most skills online now by a few quick google searches, taking notes, learning and applying them practically. I think it is quite cool how idols have a legacy that'll be remembered for a while. It's something I'd want to achieve before passing on, as even though making an impact, being remembered, etc isn't a neccessity it does in a way lessen the anxiety about passing on? It makes you feel like there is a chance that people will still mention you, bring you up, that what you did could be studied or researched by other people, that your story could motivate others into getting their shit together, etc. A lot of idols aren't in the right areas or families, though. I'll use BTS as an example here; some members had extremely poor families and were from a run-down agency that could never compete with the big 3. Look at where they are now? They single-handedly built up their label, going from Bighit to HYBE. Practice makes perfect, the more you practice, the more work you put in, the better you will get at that skill! Obviously, blind optimism isn't helpful but if you take the realistic steps in place to where you want to be in the next few years now; it will happen and you will succeed. I completely agree that we, as a society, have all become too screen obsessed and I'm also guilty of this, but it is an issue. It's caused a lot of parents to just let the screen teach their kids, too. I'm sure you have a lot to offer to the world, even if you might not think so. You can do it, though! I believe in you and I'm proud of what you have done so far :] !! I had a discussion with a friend about a similar topic to this, but a lot of trends now are fueled by "nostalgia" where things looked happier and less daunting to live in. I think after 2015 is when things started to spiral, but that's my personal take. You're more than free to disagree with anything I've said!! I don't think you should force yourself to be online, stick to the trends, etc. Do what makes you happy and you'll see yourself shine brilliantly! And yeah, a lot of delusional ideals are fueled by big companies nowadays, too, since fans will obviously put more money into those celebs if they feel like they might get "noticed" - which could also be why concert tickets are getting higher and higher even for newly debuted groups. That's my take on all this, though, feel free to respond and add on, agree, disagree, etc! <33

#tarot #kpop #kpop tarot #pagan witch #future spouse #bts #freyreplies #bts army #bangtan #delulu #delusional

[tortelette]

Late night insomnia theories AGAIN I CAN'T BLOODY SLEEP PLEASE LORD I TRY TO CLOSE MY EYES AND ALL I CAN SEE IS W SKILL ISSUE DANCING

Meursault and Don are the two sinners who are seriously SERIOUSLY quite the characters that have a lot to unpack. Two characters with almost a one-sided personality when interacting towards others. Especially Don, Don has a skewed-sense of priorities in life and I was beginning to question her.

We do know in the upcoming chapters that Ishmael is going to be featured and ever since Yi Sang's story has concluded(?) (EHEM, Gubo I am coming to kill you, EHEM) I believe that her chapter revolves around the sinners "reenacting" her voyage or meeting a member of her crew who was somehow alive. Might be between those two, I am so excited with that possibility and I cannot wait what Don and Meursault's story chapters have in store.

Don might get a story that revolves around her moral sense of justice and also "personality abandonment." You think that I will forget about those Mariachi peeps back in Chapter 2??? Their comments were on point to Sinclair and the fact that they commented Don as "insincere and lack of a pure heart" iirc means we are getting on to something. I believe that Don is a person who is indifferent to many happenings in the City yet she prefers to look and take action on the smallest of things rather than the bigger of it. (That weird double faced reaction when she VIOLENTLY decided to "save" a backstreet folk and their child who violated a taboo and her neutral reaction in a FUCKING GENOCIDE TOWARDS THE INNOCENT) (Like yeah, she learned something after Verg and her idol got her cucked in the checkpoint area but there has to be an active remnant of that judgement somewhere within her during the genocide in Calw) She wanted to be the center on something especially in a situation where she can properly control hence she ALWAYS try to take over the mantles whenever she can even if it is not in her own expertise.

Hence I believe her story would revolve around the concept of her own moral judgement and how she wanted to be someone important. I also believe she wanted the attention directed at her to be a "great Fixer" she would do everything for that. Pretty much explains why one of her skill type of her default has envy (she wanted to be someone that resembles a great and perfect idea of her belief on a true Fixer and be higher or as levelled as the greatest Fixers in the City). Her story would seriously tackle on breaking her "honorable facade" and might question her validity of her desire to be a great Fixer when in truth she is not genuine on such things to do and would act like that to cover a probable rotten or indifferent personality.

I do have a personal theory that Don Quixote is actually Sancho Panza (Don Quixote's squire in the book) but that will be in a different take rather than now.

Meursault on the other hand, I believe that his story would stress around "emotional and mental breakdowns." This fucker has a decent yet extensive knowledge on distortions. Fuck, he even stated plainly that he get to witness them meaning that he witnessed more than one distortions in his life. I do have two theories on what happened to him back then and would tackle more in the future. His original novel involves him murdering someone and possibly it might bring over to the game's lore as well (more like a portion of it), and I get to say... it is quite unlikely he kills someone with a gun but rather himself.

First theory would be that he killed a person under the process or already been distorted, my friends always think that it has to be his mother because of that quote he stated back at his promotional video. Although, me and my friends would debate that the way he expresses that is either he is forgetful of that incident or that he prefers not to think about that incident and decides to detach himself away from that incident hence he cant remember the entire details of what he had done, a person who killed his distorted mother. I can probably tell that N corp is a toxic workplace environment when there are a lot of questionable acts and decisions sprouted out from the company (problematic Nagel Und Hammer and the "New League of Nine") it would be no doubt there would be a thing or two who would distort after what they have been through.

Second theory is where Meursault is the one being distorted. This is a theory that got us excited the most because of game antics (one of our own sinners fighting against us? Funny enough is that he is the strongest unit with complete full leveled IDs and EGOs ready in my team. This is why I build Heathcliff and Faust as backup in case that scenario will happen.) This theory revolves around him getting into a mental or emotional breakdown (quite difficult what irks him to bend when we know that even in stressful situations he remains a calm yet annoyed facade - Rosespanner ID) and resulted him killing his own mother without him realizing it. But my friends and I were thinking that it might not only be the reason he get into jail. One friend of mine point out that killing one person is not enough to be seen as a threat because that is quite common in the City where survival is a must have because of people getting into each other's throats with or without a valid reason. What if... he kills many people? Yet the only person he realize that was killed in the mix is his own mother. After the onslaught he just returns back to normal after a sense of clarity came to him and in that part is where he gets jailed. He was ridiculed and spouting him anger because he has the ability to distort, something that represents of showing one's true self. Final boss material right here, his story might be about overcoming this distortion problem he is dealing with and also about his perspective of everything and why he thinks of it.

Alright I am done I need to sleep or else my mother find out I am still awake and write this shit. Time to fuck off.

#limbus company #limbus company don quixote #limbus company meursault

[girlhorse]

hey! not trying to fight--i scanned ur blog & you are clearly in the same dogwalking/sitting/training business as myself, and your pitbull essay makes some valid points, and what that shelter doing is clearly fucked up--but i just wanted to point out a couple things: you put a heavy emphasis on "statistics" that can't be denied, and they straight up can be--many dog bites are mislabelled as pit bites. because people dont know dog breeds and assume the dog that bit them, since it was aggressive, was a pit. pit bites are also reported more often because they do bite-grab, so their bites often result in worse injuries, which is important to know about them, but does mean that those statistics dont actually show that they bite more, just that they bite worse, and therefore dont correlate with aggression as a trait the way they seem to. also (this is an aside) some studies have shown that dogs are actually often mislabelled as pit mixes at shelters, bc shelters look at any dog with a big boxy head and slap pit mix on them, so this issue works in both directions. another thing--i know you did say you werent that informed on it, so i cant hold it against you, but your paragraph about "people wanting guard dogs in the 80s" does perpetuate some racist myths, and i would suggest reading up on the connection between racism and pitbull stereotypes. but anyway as the owner of the worlds friendliest pitty boy, i will say that even though my dog adores every living creature thats ever crossed his path, i still wouldnt recommend a dog like him be owned by someone without proper dog experience, because he did take a lot of training and is extremely high energy and super strong, and many petowners are just looking for dogs that dont need so much time and attention, and thats okay.

i do appreciate your concern. I am aware that my post oversimplifies the nuance of the issue, and parts of the argument i made aren't quite as strong as others. I didn't speak on the antiblackness in particular about anti-pitbull rhetoric partially because I don't personally feel equipped to do so, but mostly because it felt beyond the scope of the point I was trying to make. I know that those antiblack stereotypes exist and that they are extremely harmful, and while I personally was not intending to reify the existing racism wrt the pit bull debate, i regret that i hadnt written a bit more about it in the post to make that point clearer.

i am also aware about the potential for error in bite statistics - as someone who was very involved with statistics in college i understand that numbers never tell the full picture, and that numbers can be manipulated for any agenda imaginable. I agree that there may be a handful of instances were breed is misidentified by the person reporting the bite, but the reality is that pitbulls are extremely common in the USA, and not particularly difficult to identify, either, so it would be a bit if a stretch IMO to insinuate that the numbers were so bad as to be completely compromised.

I also agree that most non-injury causing dog bites do not get reported, and agree that the reason pits are more often reported is because their bites tend to do more damage. Most people are not going to report air bites, or bites that cause nothing more than a bruise, or really any bite that doesn't need medical attention.

My point is not to slander pit bulls or to insinuate that they are more aggressive or more dangerous than any other breed. They're not even the breed with the strongest bite force! There are also dog breeds that were bred specifically to attack human invaders, and they are absolutely going to be much more aggressive and dangerous than any pit bull. those breeds, though, are extremely rare, and are usually not owned by anyone but fanciers or working dog owners. Pit bulls are everywhere in the south, on the other hand.

there is still a point to be made about the fact that there are so many pitbulls in inappropriate homes and so many that do end up hurting someone, or someone's pet, or getting hurt themselves, because of their breed-specific traits that their owners are woefully unprepared for.

#anonymous #ask #hope your boy is doing well

[thejollyswan]

Hi! I am a HUGE Captain Swan fan! What are the main reasons why you love Captain Swan/Hook?

HI!!!!! SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER. University sucks

I AM A HUGE CS FAN AS WELL SO THIS ASK IS THE BEST THING EVER

Okay there are maaaany reasons that i cant all put here but i guess i will put what comes to mind rn

1- They just understand each other on another level. If you pay attention they almost never judge the other's actions (and boi there is a lot to judge if we are honest jsbdksjs) and they just GET IT you know?? They didn't have exactly the same lives but they went through their own shit in life and its like even before they got together they had an unspoken understanding of each other that they didnt experience with anybody else. As much as Emma's family loves her, there ARE things that they just can't really get. And in Killian's case nobody sees the true him as much as Emma does, no matter what horrible things he did in his past.

2- They are not a constantly on and off relationship. TECHNICALLY once they got together they never broke up. That one time in s6 is debatable. Yes she gave him the ring back BUT SHE DIDNT SAY IT WAS OVER and then Killian was taken away. AND LIKE EVEN WITH ALL THE DARK ONE STUFF THEY NEVER ACTUALLY BROKE UP??? So yeah they really stayed together throughout double darkness, like 3 deaths and a shit ton of villains. Even if they had fights or problems they didnt end the relationship on a whim, they worked through their problems and came out stronger AND I LOVE THEM FOR THAT. Also i hate on and off couples ejbfjdbdj its so annoying.

3- THE PATIENCE FAM. THEY WERE SO PATIENT WITH EACH OTHER. AND SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT IT WAS ONLY KILLIAN BECAUSE HE WAITED FOR HER, NO! Emma was also patient in many aspects, especially as they became more serious and Killian had many demons to fight both from his past and his present, and she really didnt pressure him into laying out all his troubled past on the table. She allowid him to take his time and tell her things on his own time (like the Ursula thing).

4- THE TRUUUUUUUUUST. There was so much trust in their relationship it kills me. AND YES THEY HAD THEIR TRUST ISSUES WITH THE WHOLE DARK ONES THING BUT COME ON. Honestly i dont think its fair to judge Dark Captain Swan as normal Captain Swan bc it REALLY isnt the same. Outside that time, they really had the deepest trust in each other. AND WE KNOW ITS NOT EASY FOR THEM TO TRUST, especially Emma. But my girl REFUSED to let people talk shit about Killian because she TRUSTED him so much and knew that he wouldnt betray or hurt them even before they got together. (Also that episode where killian is taken in s6 and Emma IMMEDIATELY GIVES UP ON HIM AND THINKS HE ABANDONED HER is absolute bullshit. At that point in their relationship she wouldnt act like that fuck the writers for that one)

5- They are hot together. Period. No need to elaborate.

6- THE TENDERNESS UGHHHHHH THEY WERE ACTUALLY SO SWEET ??? HE IS A DEADLY PIRATE AND FORMER VILLAIN AND SHE IS A HIDE MY EMOTIONS KINDA TOUGH GIRL but they were surprisingly very sweet and tender with each other which was very refreshing to see. Outside Dark CS they werent toxic or like constantly arguing and yelling and being rough with each other and i love them for being so sweet.

7- When they did fuck up it was out of love for the other. I think 99% of times they fucked up was because they were trying to protect the other and if thats not true love idk what is.

8- They never gave up on each other. Never. (Emma in that one episode doesnt count that was EXTREMELY out of character). They were SO willing to fight for each other as a couple and as individuals (before and after getting together).

Okay these are some of the maaaaany reasons.

I see that you also asked me about Hook and bc i dont wanna pay attention in class then i will also tell you what i love about him.

1- Colin. Yes. He is a big part of what makes Killian Jones and why i love him and if it was another actor it could have changed everything.

2- Has THE BEST redemption arc in the show by far. Argue with the wall, thats how i feel. He never justified his actions or try to pin them on "his past self". Yes he is a changed man but the SAME man who did those things and he always carries that guilt with him (sometimes too much). But most importantly, he always works SO hard to make up for those mistakes by both apologising and through actions, actively trying to make amends.

3- The man is fearless. He doesn't give a shit. He will fight anyone to get what he want even when he is clearly at a disadvantage. Respect man haahjsjajsjsnd

4- When he loves... oof he loves so deeply. I dont even have to explain. We see it. He fell HARD man.

5- He is not afraid to show his emotions. Most of the time he wears his heart out on his sleeve, especially when it comes to Emma, even if he gets rejected. That is honestly admirable, wish i could do that lol, it takes bravery.

6- Do i hate him for dying all the time? Yes. Do i also freaking love him for sacrifising himself for the people he loves? Damn right.

7- HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH BELLE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

8- HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HENRY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

9- He is cute and dumb sometimes and i love that for him.

10- He is freaking hot. Period.

11- Pirates are hot. Period.

I think that is a good way to end my reasons JSBDKSBDJS

Conclusion: i love Captain Swan, Emma and Killian with my whole heart 😌✨️

Thanks so much for the ask anon!! Feel free to talk to me anytime 😁

#captain swan #captain hook #killian jones

[pezpenser205]

btw i didnt realize how funny this was until i started working on it but i do want to share because the concept is insane and one of the weirdest things ive ever done that i think would be some shit a psychologist would have a field day with. so when i kill myself (because thats 100% gonna be how ill die theres not even any debate in my mind atp and ive been hyperfixated on killing myself recently. yes my hyperfixation rn is suicide and i cant concentrate on anything else. very serious im so serious about this. not kidding. either that or ill die by falling somewhere like in the shower bc my knees have been degenerating bc of genetic reasons and i have terrible balance) im gonna post an entire character assassination document on myself listing off every reason why you shouldnt feel bad for me and everything ive done wrong in college APA format (at least everything ive done wrong that i know of and feel free to mention if im missing something after i post it. not that ill be able to edit it though sorry /silly) so people will finally fucking get why ive come to the (Objectively Correct) conclusion that i shouldnt exist due to me only getting worse and less valuable with age like some kind of reverse wine or cheese.

it is a provable math equation. ive written it. im formatting this like its a product pitch to rich investors. it will be an absolutely ironclad essay with zero rebuttal and it will be awesome and hopefully the only of its kind /hj

i literally planned to make an entire spreadsheet accompanying it to keep everyone from pitying me or thinking my suicide note is a pity ploy im deadass. i didnt realize how ridiculous this idea was until i started on the outline earlier and i suddenly gained more awareness of what i was doing. i am voluntarily putting more effort into an essay on why i suck than i ever put into anything else in my entire life and if that isnt a perfect representation of every reason why i shouldnt be here.

im gonna be the first guy ever to do a character assassination on himself if i die just so people wont mourn me or treat it like some great tragedy even for a second out of a weird sense of obligation to my family or the fact that i was a trans sibling of theirs or whatever. i am going to make sure that people read that document and are like "wow this guy had a few issues i fucking hate this guy im glad hes dead. anyway rip bozo lmaooo. even if this guy wasnt trans he for sure wouldve killed himself and good on him for doing so"

i wouldnt have it any other way either i genuinely hope people meme the shit out of me dying because my entire life up until this point has been me internalizing a caricature of every bad trait people have told me i had until i dont enjoy anything on my own and cease to be a standalone person when i dont have external validation constantly feeding me good things to overshadow the bad stuff ive internalized. im very plainly and transparently a fake caricature of a toxic person thats hollow on the inside and nothing else so its only fair that people get to make fun of those traits when im dead too.

being able to lay out the extremely stupid and meandering reasons why ive developed this way (looking back most of them are 100% my fault also) is going to look like some kind of bogus alchemy. i literally purposely made myself mentally ill when i was 10 or 11 because of septiplier and sanscest lemon fanfic. consciously and intentionally. you cant tell me that fact alone isnt hilarious. thats gold who even does that. thats satire thats not a real person who exists and yet i do exist right here in this desk chair (which is why i shouldnt exist /lh)

this is really a dark subject matter but i genuinely believe this document is gonna be really funny okay. theres already so much good copypasta material here. i for real do not believe there is anyone on earth who has developed in quite this weird fucking way thats has whatever kind of "im too self aware and accepting of my own flaws to function as a real person" disorder that i have and i want to leave something of that behind so whatever is wrong with me wont be lost.

all of this to say, just know if i die you have something to look forward to at least because i wish i could be there to see if anyone actually reads it when it drops and im not even DONE yet. the one thing im really good at is dramatic displays of suicidality and internalizing every word anyones ever said to me/about me apparently like thats the only thing thats stayed consistent throughout everything im writing in this silly little word document.

drapes myself over a fainting couch. woe is me. the most earnest art ive made in years is about how im unable to produced anything worthwhile. the irony is palpable and beautiful. wish i could put this energy into Literally Anything Else but alas that is the point of the essay

#op #suicide #suicide joke #i am so desensitized to the concept of my own death that ive turned my suicide note into a joke even though it started serious #and honestly thats beautiful #i love me

[realhankmccoy]

My dumbass daughter is so stupid, cucked and paranoid that she honestly thinks 'gay rights' somehow program people's personalities in America.

This is also how all Trump's cucks feel. They think that gay personalities are born from gay rights.

The right not to be fired from the workplace OH NO THIS MUST BE BAD BECAUSE... BECAUSE... IT'LL DETERMINE SOMEBODY'S PERSONALITY!!!

No it won't.

Mini-Trump screams: FIRST THEY CANT GET FIRED NEXT THEIR WHOLE PERSONALITY NO LONGER EXISTS THEIR FREEDOM TO CHOOSE AND CUZ OF THE GAY RIGHT NOT TO BE FIRED!!!!

There's pretty much no gay right aside from marriage that will determine anybody's personality. Christina is just stupid.

Besides, the marriage debate is old hat... and it's really a pity the freedom for consenting adults to choose marriage terrifies her so much. She's always bleated stupidly about freedom being good while being utterly terrified of what freedom entails, however. She just doesn't get that. She's just so conservative-paranoid and uncomfortable making her own decisions as a free adult. So she comes up with a sort of nihilism towards the Democrats for opening up the options.

Next she'll be arguing that legalising psychadelic mushrooms IS BAD BECAUSE LEGALISED MUSHROOMS WILL DETERMINED YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY. WE HAVE LONG HAD STATE OPPRESSION AND THERE'S A DANGER IN LOSING IT YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY YOU WILL BECOME WHAT THE DEMOCRATS WANT YOU TO BE RIGHTISTS ARE THE REASON YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY...

No, they're not. Shut the fuck up, Christina. You dumb. You conservative.

Put down the National Review or The Hoover institute or William F. Buckley Jr. and wherever your idiot paranoias are sourced from -- Jordan Peterson, I'd presume, or his dumb daughter.

I mean, she's literally having the (now-settled) gay marriage debate with herself that I had over 20 years ago, one that's not even close to relevant to this juncture of real problems in the real world. She's over 20 years behind me, although worse than that because she's pushing 40 and I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever thought such matters were anywhere near so serious and self-serious as she makes them.

It wasn't high on the list of my priorities to spazz out about the social repercussions if people chose gay marriage.

Not even in the top 100 issues?

It's called 'fiddling with yourself while Rome burns', Christina.

She wouldn't know a real problem because she's never faced any. All she has is paranoia about how liberals are 'programming' people... People she's never met. She hasn't even gotten out of the house enough to meet the gay couple in the open marriage that she fears is a programmed threat to the happiness of the gay couple. Good grief! How did I ever raise such a fool child, one so blind to reality, one so behind the times and immature for her age?

#mommie dearest #trump #maga #cucks #cucked #america #cuckoo #trump’s cucks

[kim-ruzek]

He did want to make someone else the father, timing was just not on his side.

He did use the miscarriage to separate them further again.

And even Eid in his crappy abilities as a showrunner knew it would just be so out of character for Adam to not freak out. Plus I still have issues with HOW he did that 🤣

he wanted to make blair the father and because of timing it did not work i know. but adam is not only other man in chicago. they could have made a character from fire or med or a random character the father

the miscarriage separate them for only a little while. then in s8 they were closer than ever, hanging our together all the time. they became close because of the miscarriage. “do you think maybe thats the reason we’re even closer now? why we want to be together all the time? why we act like a couple? because of this terrible thing that happen to us” “of course it is”

he did not freak out like that when kim was kidnapped in 6x14. he was worried but he didnt freak they were not together in 6x14 and 8x16 so it would not be out of character if he didnt freak out like that so rick eid could have wrote it so he was only worried for kim but not freaked out. what issues did you have? that hailey was the hero? 😂

when al died in s5 the unit was in the hospital waiting room. when jay was kidnapped and shot in s7 the hospital waiting room was filled with the unit and other police. same with kim in s9 after she was shot and kidnapped in s8. and when she had miscarriage in s7. who was showrunner all those times? rick eid. what happen now with gwen as showrunner? we did not see hailey in hospital in 10x20. we did not see team be there for her in hospital. if rick eid was still show runner the whole unit would have checked on hailey after jay left. but now because gwen is show runner we never got adam and kim asking her how shes doing. we did not see anyone other than kim and trudy in the hospital for adam in 10x22! if rick eid was still showrunner the episode would have ended the entire police force in the waiting room for adam! but with gwen it ends with voight drinking because gwen is obsessed with voight 😂 you can rant about jay’s character and upsteads and what rick eid did wrong on chicago pd but you cant say what you find wrong with svu s18. why not? 😂

I'm not touching most of this but-- if Sigan is obsessed with Voight, it's not like she's the first showrunner who is. And we can debate the importance of Voight all day long and if he should've got that spot or if all the showrunners should've been "obsessed" with him but the fact remains that he's the lead and unfortunately that means sometimes people prioritise him over other much needed/wanted scenes.

And lmao it's not even Eid who first had everyone gather in the hospital when one of their own needed them so. Plus. The hall was filled with cops, they showed Kim and Trudy, they had a deleted scene where Kim was at Adam's bedside. So that doesn't prove anything. And with Hailey, her injuries didn't put her in hospital overnight, and the unit WAS at the hospital, we just didn't see it. Because the whole point of that episode was not to injure Hailey, but to get some traction on her ending the marriage.

Finally, I reserve the right to not talk about something that isn't fun for me to talk about. I've said that's why I don't want to go in depth about svu. It doesn't make me happy to do so therefore I don't.

And you know, I answered the initial svu ask in good faith even though I knew it was you asking not actually someone else curious, but I like giving the benefit of the doubt and I answered it anyway and you are making it really fucking hard to keep giving anon asks the benefit of the doubt. Which sucks because I love my non toxic anons and I deeply believe in giving the benefit of the doubt and I'm finding myself taking the more negative way of interpreting things now rather than most positive interpretation so I hope you're happy. You've stomped all over my good faith.

#ree's asks #chicago pd #l&o svu

[fagdykemuppet]

vent in tags

#man this sucks. So fucking bad #genuinely i havent seen anything that has made me as happy as that game in a long while and it just fucking SUCKS #ive been debating on and off if ill continue to engage w content but i genuinely dont think i will #im still unsure if ill keep up my stuff ive already posted #i was the same way w fnaf when everything dropped #this genuinely isnt an issue w whatevers 'right' or 'wrong' #it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me uncomfortable and really disgusted #its a personal thing #and yeah if people continue to engage w the game they should be really critical and also not support the developers at ALL #but frankly i dont. care i dont care everyone can have their own relationship w the game after this #i feel stupid for not even considering the developers could bedog shit #ugh. #im not saying what this post is about you can deduce from context clues and if you cant im sorry i dont feel like saying #i dont think ill ever look at the game again unless some miracle happens and he decideds to rework all of the gross shit in the game + #delete all the gross shit hes said #on anothernote i feel fucking. i dont know i said this in a post before but i genuinely feel like im getting worse #i feel like im fucking up more and more and everythings just. worse #i hate my mind i dont like my mind my mind is bad and gross and poisoned #im scared im going to hurt everyone that i love and that i shouldnt be around people #i feel like all i can do is hurt people. im not safe to be around #its all so bad its all so fucking bad #ive already lost so many people i love and it hurts and im just going to lose everyone else #i dontthink im a good person and my mind and body is just deteriorating and i cant even do anything about it #im not gonna get better im just getting worse #im tired. im so so so so tired

[technowoah]

Taunt

It only takes one time to realize you fucked up.

- ANON REQUESTED!

- WILBUR X FEM! READER BLURB

PROMPTS!

50) "Fuck off... I mean it"

24) "Get in the car" "..." "please get in the car"

⚠︎ angst to fluff, swearing, based on the song Taunt by Lovejoy ❤🐈 its short btw yall

[Updated 3 hours after upload I messed up the prompts sorry yall now it fixed]

She was always asking if he was alright. He always lied to her just to get her off his back for the night, but it was his fault that he wanted her to move in. He has to deal with that all of the time, it was her fault anyways. She made him upset, she made him not alright. She didn't know that. She constantly complained about things that didn't even concern her, she dodged their relationship making it more about her than them.

It was tiring to him. Constantly providing, trying to tie a broken knot, but he didnt let that get in the way of his career, or his friends. There's another issue, he never talked to his friends about her. She accused him of not being proud of their relationship and that became a problem that never got resolved.

Did anyone ever say "no" to her? Well if no one did, he would be the first one to do so. Fuck that.

He listened, and listened, but nothing kept this relationship together.

Wilbur talked to the three people chatting on his discord through his headphones as a soft LED lights flowed through the room. These nights were simple because she didnt have to see him when he decides to stream, he basically has his time set out for himself without trouble. He wasn't ecstatic, he felt horrible, but the facadè was there.

Her on the other hand wasnt happy either. She never got attention from him, and of course she could get moody from time to time like every other human being, but she always took it out on him. Who else was gonna be there for her? He acted like her cared, she knew he was lying. His "caring" consisted of humming and him responding like a default character in a video game. He didn't care, he acted like he never did. She needed that attention and he knew damn well she did.

She wasnt asking for much, at least to her it did feel like it. She knew when she was wrong, but she didn't want to admit it when they were both in the wrong too. They dont get each other, she didnt know why he asked her to move in when he didn't want anything to do with her. Ever since he moved her in he kept her in check like a child, she hated and loved that at the same time. Its true that she wanted her own way, she did what she wanted and gave her attention to whoever she wanted her attention to be. She thought that was fine, but apparently she dosent give any effort to the relationship.

Rolling her eyes at the thought she decided to leave the dishes in the sink dirty. She thought about leaving and finding someone who will get her, yes Wilbur listened to her, but there was no effort. When he's drunk and tries to "figure out what makes her brain tick" ends up in more distaster.

Lying in the couch her mind began to wonder, he always said that she could get away with anything. She always took it as a taunt. Everytime it was brought up. He called it "pretty privilege" and he always taunts her saying she abuses that power.

Her jaw clenched as she recalled those memories. Summoning the courage she brought herself up onto her feet and rushed to their shared bedroom. Taking a deep breath she opened their closet and started pulling her things off of hangers, not caring if she made a mess. She tossed her clothes onto the messy bed that they didn't bother to make this morning.

Bringing a small backpack out from underneath the bed she tried shoving most of her clothes into a bag for a night. In total frustration she emptied the bag and only backed necessities that she would need for the night.

She was tired of him and he was tired of her so she was doing both of them a favor. She made her way out of the door grabbing a coat and sliding on some simple shoes. Shooting a quick text to a close friend letting them know she's coming over. Her friend wasn't that close, but she decided to walk. As she locked the door to their shared apartment she debated texting Wilbur. She didnt want to, but she didnt want him to freak the fuck out because she wasnt home.

( Wilbur )

Me: Ill be back for the rest of my stuff tmrw.

[Read]

She closed her phone and started on her night time journey down the street trying to let everything from the past few weeks go with the cool wind.

Him on the other hand stayed silent. He had just finished his stream and had gotten a text saying that she'll be back for the rest of her things. This was inevitable, one of them had to leave, but to him it didnt seem right. He didn't want her to leave. Something in his heart was making him chase her back, the same thing in his heart that moved her into his apartment in the first place. Maybe it was love, maybe he wanted to persevere and have someone in his life. Something in his mind was telling him that he let go of something special.

Wilbue thought about it as he shut everything off and went to go grab his belongings, before rushing out the door to try and find her. Sadly to his discovery, she turned off her location. He finally made it to his car and started driving towards his house to see if she was around there.

He couldn't call a friend because she never introduced her friends to him. She did that on purpose because of him not doing the same. As he drove down the not so busy streets of Brighton he thought if he could get to know her, pull emotions and feelings out of her and see the real her. And if he cant do that? Who knows what will happen.

He remembers this face she always pulled when he always said "Im alright." She scrunched up her nose in annoyance and he always took it as a taunt because he couldn't figure out the real meaning. They were both going at this the wrong way, he dosent know anything about her and maybe thats the problem, but she needs to calm down as well. She needs to start paying attention to both of them instead of herself.

He was seated at a stoplight until he saw a figure on the sidewalk walking past him. The person looked shocked then kept walking, but even faster this time. He rolled down the window to see it was Y/n walking. Wilbur ran the red light and found a place to turn the car around to follow her. He drove a couple of feet in front of her before putting his hazard lights on and stepping out of the car to confront her.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Wilbur said while getting our of his car.

"Im getting away from you. And what are you doing here?" She said.

"Well I could ask you the same thing. Its not safe out here alone." He calmed down a little. Wilbur's main goal was to get her back home so they can have a civilized talk. He didn't want to be out here.

"Oh? Ive been fine for the past fifteen minutes." She sasser back.

"That dosent mean its not safe!" He exclaimed.

She stayed quiet so that gave Wilbur an opportunity to speak.

"See, I want us to go home so we can have a civilized talk without feeling defensive. I want to get to know you, I know you're my girlfriend and yes, it was my mistake rushing things. Im not putting the blame all on myself either." He finished and she stayed quiet with her arms crossed infront of her chest.

"Are you cold-?"

"Fuck off...I mean it." She said while trying to pass hin on the street.

He stood in her way and he kept doing that every time she tried to get around him. Wilbur saw that she was getting annoyed at his actions. Wilbur held her by both of her biceps trying to hold her still so he could talk.

"You're being childish!"

"Fucking listen to me! You cant just keep walking away from us! From me! This is not healthy!" Wilbur yelled. He let go if her and surprisingly she stayed there.

"Get in the car." He ordered but she stayed silent. "Please get in the car."

She turns around gets in the passenger seat if Wilbur's car. He sighed a sigh if relief and followed her lead. They both got settled into the car and he didn't move. He wasn't going to drive unless she talked to him. After a minute if silence she spoke up.

"I know its- its both of our faults. And i have some things I need to work on. I cant just run away. Also your thoughts of me need to be rearranged, but I need to give you all of me. At leat 50 percent so we can start somewhere. But Im sorry." She said while she looked down at her lap maybe in embarrassment.

In the end they both wanted to fix themselves. In the end they wanted eachother. And they can both see that.

He leaned over the armrest and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She turned to him with a surprise look on her face, like this was the most affection he gave her, because it was true. She grabbed his hand that rested on the armrest too as he started to drive towards their home together.

As the nightly drive continues on and now shes drifting off in the passenger seat as In Love With An E-girl plays softly. She's left too tired to talk with Wilbur and be in touch with her emotions right now, but she'll do it for the both of them this time.

#mcyt blurb #mcyt angst #mcyt fluff #mcyt x reader #mcyt headcanons #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot headcanons #wilbur soot blurb #wilbur x reader #irl wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot x y/n #wilbur soot angst #mcyt x you #mcyt imagines #mcyt x y/n #wilbur soot x you

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

#anon #tw suicide #talking #tw self harm

[crows-murder]

Twinyards

it’s 2am and i hate myself and im literally dead on my feet but i cant fucking sleep so here i am instead

as far as most sibling relationships go, the twins have a....unique bond

they hate each other

but they don’t

it took nicky some time to understand that yes, the twins did care for him and each other

in their own way

at first glance, no one would see it-- not even nicky. through longer exposure, it would be hard to discern, but nicky did, somehow

he really first noticed after Andrew had almost killed the four guys attacking nicky

after that, nicky started picking up the small things

when aaron went to the local starbucks on days they woke up early but didn’t want to make breakfast, he knew andrew and nicky’s orders by heart

when andrew convinced nicky to buy ice cream despite nicky protesting that they should be mindful of their money, andrew always got nicky’s favorite flavor as well

on rough days when nicky was just drowning in the stress of holding a job and paying for the bills, the twins would stay in their room, to let nicky pick himself back up, before ordering pizza and turning on the tv

they never talked about it. if someone brought it up, an argument very often followed up

the twins have a strange way of showing affection, but that’s because they never learned to show proper affection

aaron was always quick to get angry and andrew was indifferent to the point of aggravation and pure frustration

it was their ways of coping

andrew by not caring and aaron by being angry at anyone for no reason

their first meeting could have gone a lot worse, but they both in a subconscious way saw the other as a survivor of their circumstances

and andrew did care. so did aaron

aaron reached out to his brother, filled for the first time with the hope that someone out there cares about him. he hopes and hopes that it will work out.

it doesn’t. aaron’s heart just breaks and his hope is shredded when andrew tells him to fuck off. 

andrew wanted a brother, too. he wanted to have at least one good thing, one thing that life wouldn’t fuck up for him

but andrew couldn’t even have that. he couldn’t let his brother, his twin, go through what he was going through. so he pushed him away, made sure he’d be safe from his life. 

when andrew learns that despite trying to protect his brother, he had still failed, he was angry. he was so angry. he was protecting someone who was being hurt by his mother. by their mother. who’d been so hurt, he would get high just to forget the hurt

deep down, aaron always knew his mother never truly cared. deep down he understood why andrew killed her. but he refused to admit it. he refused to believe his mother deserved it. 

the twins weren’t subtle, but they didn’t know how they felt towards each other. it was hard to describe, and not one word really could.

andrew was first fiercely stubborn and loyal to aaron, trying to protect him the way he’d never been able to protect himself, and it slowly shifted onto nicky

aaron did care about andrew. he reached out. he wanted a brother. he wanted a twin. but he wasn’t expecting andrew. and it muddled the feelings, and when Tilda died, it just became worse, because of course aaron was angry and sad, and andrew couldn’t understand. and aaron didn’t understand how andrew could feel so little sympathy for their mother. andrew didn’t see how aaron could mourn the person who’d ruined him. who’d ruined them both, really.

nicky did try his best to get them to get along. but he didn’t really understand the issues and the layers of caution and hurt. he was pushing, but not in the right direction

and it’s not like either of the twins really tried either

in another life, they might’ve. in different circumstances, they might’ve. but Tilda was dead, and aaron and andrew had so many miscommunications to get through.

it wasn’t until Neil, and the early Thanksgiving at the Hemmicks that it changed

neil was different

he coaxed more out of andrew than aaron ever did. it’s one of the reasons why aaron hated him. how could he, practically a stranger who’d known them for half a year, could know more about andrew than aaron had learned in three years? some of it felt unfair to aaron, but he felt like he half deserved not knowing his brother. it wasn’t like he’d tried his hardest to get to know him. 

and it was how quickly neil had puzzled together the mess that was andrew and aaron

not even they could piece it together. it felt so thoroughly messed up and convoluted that they never though any of it was salvageable anymore

when neil brough up Tilda’s death, right after aaron had killed drake, aaron had felt angry, pissed off, borderline furious

but the thought stayed. and nagged.

and when andrew left for Easthaven, without even waiting for aaron to get back to columbia, it hurt more than he’d anticipated

aaron thought about it a lot. and he hated that neil’s statement had made so much sense

after that it was slow going

so slow no one really noticed at first. not even neil. but then neil started picking up one or two things, and then progressively, so did nicky

aaron started

the twins never really verbally apologized for hurting each other, either physically or with words. they’d just spit hurtful words at each other until one of them (usually aaron) stormed out. then, usually a few hours later, one of them called out the answer of a particularly hard homework question for the other and the whole thing was forgotten

it was just how they worked

maybe it was the way they were brought up, or maybe it was just the way they operated, but neither twin needed the other to physically say the words “i’m sorry”. it was usually implied through action, as were most things with them.

and aaron found it easier to forgive andrew for killing Tilda that he thought

one morning in the Columbia house, andrew walked in the kitchen and aaron was there drinking coffee, waiting for his toast to pop out of the toaster, and handed andrew a cup of hot chocolate

andrew simply raised an eyebrow, but took it anyway.

after that, it remained slow.

when andrew went to the store, he’d sometimes buy aaron’s favorite ice cream flavor

and it goes back and forth for a while

they don’t mention it. aaron never brings up the fact that study sheets occasionally appear on his desk the day before a test. andrew never mentions the newly stocked cocoa powder in the kitchen, stacked next to the coffee and tea.

its such small things its only noticeable to the twins and sometimes neil

and it stays at that, but it’s progress, and that’s never happened before, and when neil (and later nicky) notice, they just smile a little, because no matter how little, progress is progress, and it’s a big step for andrew and aaron.

they’re far from talking through their issues, and it occurs to neither of them, but they’re content to go slow 

once, aaron had a bad nightmare that woke him up at an ungodly hour of the night. he knew sleep wouldn’t come, not with the way he was shaking and sweating, so he decided coffee and a movie would distract him

he’s surprised to find andrew sitting on the countertop eating m&m’s aaron had bought just a day prior

they don’t speak at all. aaron just makes his tea and sits on the couch, and andrew stays on the counter, scrolling through his phone

aaron turns on the tv and puts on an animated series at low volume

at one point andrew turns his attention to the tv before sliding off the counter and going back to bed. aaron falls asleep on the couch

a couple of nights later, same thing happens again-- nightmares aren’t uncommon for the twins, or anyone really. if the twins cross path in the kitchen, one would just go back to their room

this time the kitchen is empty so aaron pulls out the ice cream and turns on the tv

andrew, being a light sleeper, wakes up. he knows who it is and debates getting up. he does, and this time directly goes to the living room and sits in an armchair, staring blankly at the tv. he only goes back to his room when aaron falls asleep, leaving the tv on.

andrew manages his nightmares better, but some still rattle him every so often, and enough that he usually stays up the rest of the night or finds neil and stays with him.

it’s one of the worse nights, and andrew wakes up in a panic, shivering and angrily wiping his wet face clean. he leaves his room, intent on finding neil before he realises it’s not neil he wants to be with

it annoys him, and he doesn’t like it, or even understand why, but he goes to aaron’s room anyways. he opens the door and settles in aaron’s desk, refusing to wake his twin up.

aaron finds him the next morning, snoring softly in his chair, his head resting in his crossed arms. (he’s really confused, and considers waking him, but decides against it and instead makes him hot chocolate for when he wakes up)

they still don’t talk much about it, but now they don’t act as tense around each other, and usually leave it at insulting the other.

nicky, having dealt with the twins, notices this and almost cries and nearly hugs both of them. he cares too much about graduating with all his limbs to do it, however

he mentions it to neil later, who had noticed the smaller gestures, and shares in  nicky’s delight. yes, neil has a certain dislike for aaron, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want andrew and aaron to have a healthy relationship with each other they clearly deserve.

to anyone else, this might be slightly ridiculous, not meaning anything, and probably not even noticeable, but for both of them, it was a huge step forward. 

aaron manages to find a spare mattress that he fits under his bed for andrew. andrew doesn’t put a mattress or explicitly tells aaron he can come in his room, so aaron opts instead for tv and snacks. sometimes andrew shows up, sometimes he doesn’t, and aaron finds he doesn��t mind.

one of those nights, aaron finds andrew already watching something on the tv when he shows up. it’s not a cartoon, but aaron grabs the leftover pizza from last night and watches with andrew

later, he looks up the series and ends up watching it. he catches up to the episode andrew was watching, and a couple nights later turns on the show

andrew is surprised that aaron wanted to catch up, and was invested in the show. he settles for telling aaron he’s a couple episodes ahead. aaron shrugs and replies that they can watch until he catches up. it’s their way of agreeing to watch it together at 4 in the morning

one wednesday, a couple months into the twins’ tentative healing, they mentions to Bee what’s been happening. and Bee smiles. she’s just happy that the twins are getting better, and striving to fix things a little.

the Upperclassmen catch up much later

probably because andrew still calls out insults his brother during practice and aaron retaliates

and yes sometimes andrew purposefully deflects balls in such a way that they hit aaron’s back or legs just to annoy him

but andrew tolerates katelyn

and aaron still doesn’t know what andrew sees in neil josten but doesn’t mind his relationship

andrew tells aaron one wednesday he hates being touched, and it doesn’t take a genius to know why. aaron has the urge to go find all of andrew’s abusers and bash their brains in like drake

aaron and andrew never really had people to care for them, so their sense of family is a little extreme, but it’s there

and it’s proof they can get better over time

they’re both in their own way protective of each other. and it’s a silent pact that anyone who hurts nicky will have to face two very pissed off blonds

movie nights at four am become a regular at the Columbia house, and sometimes (though they both have less nightmares over the years) during the week, so they get used to the extra key specifically for each other’s dorms.

one morning matt walks in and see aaron and andrew asleep on oppsoite ends of the couch while sharing a blanket, and takes a picture that he sends to everyone.

dan frames it and hangs it on the wall in the Foxhole Court (next to the one of Andrew and Neil at the airport)

the twins find out and wear practically identical “i am going to murder whoever did this” scowls

andrew thinks birthdays are a waste of time, but neil convinces him to spend time with aaron 

so andrew drags aaron to the roof after raiding the liquor cabinet and get drunk on the roof

the twins have a lot of things they never mention

it’s a maze that’s hard to navigate, but the twins know how the system works

there are things and moments and people they never bring up, and there are gestures and little things that are not worth mentioning. both twins don’t know how to really communicate with each other, and sometimes with other people

they don’t know how to express things verbally

so between them its almost and unspoken agreement that phrases like “i love you” or “i’m sorry” are meaningless and dumb. 

its one of the reasons why it’s hard to see that the twins are closer than they ever were, because they don’t communicate with words. they’re better at showing what they mean than actually saying it

they get more comfortable around each other, and by the time their senior year rolls in they make jokes (it’s hard to classify them as jokes when it mainly consists of one of the twins pointing at a random object and going  “that’s you” with a blank expression while the other scowls)

nicky’s already back in germany and as graduation comes near, both twins find that they don’t want to get away from each other

andrew who doesn’t give a shit about aaron and hates him, texts him pictures of the cats or neil being idiots every once in a while

aaron doesn’t text often, because he doesnt really know what to text

but sometimes andrew will receive a picture of an empty store shelf with a single can of soup on it and the caption “is this u?”

and its so fucking random that andrew can’t help laughing

and aaron begins sending birthday cards to andrew (andrew calls him just to say fuck off and then hangs up immediately, but aaron just smiles and keeps doing it anyway)

(and andrew does start texting aaron happy birthday when it comes around)

one christmas nicky invites both twins and their significant others to germany and andrew gets aaron one of those stupid mugs with a science joke on it

aaron scowls because he knows andrew is blatantly mocking him. he knows.

but its fine because aaron got andrew a black sweater reading “dumber twin” (he had it custom made in rainbow font)

andrew doesn’t even try to act pleasant and says fuck you to aaron’s face

after that christmas, aaron always drinks from the cup andrew got him and andrew wears aaron’s dumb sweater

(katelyn and neil sneakily take pictures and send it to each other because “they’re bonding”)

it takes a long time for the twins to really get around their issues, and they’re both still healing, but at least whatever tilda severed when she separated them is healing too

it might never be perfect, and there’s a lot of healing, and it might never be okay, and it might take them their whole life to properly heal, but the steps they take are forward, and together

and their relationship is still complicated and messy and not the best 

but theyre both trying

they both want this

#enjoy whatever this is #i tried okay #i tried my best to english well enough #its 2am and im mentally checked out #twinyards #andrew minyard #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #aftg #all for the game #aftg katelyn #andreil #sir fat cat mccatterson #king fluffkins #tw abuse #tw rape

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An Analysis in Threes

❥ TAGGED BY: @emcads​ like 30 years ago ❥ TAGGING: @riidcr​ @starsailingcaptain​ @covencrown​ @hookd​ @all-fleshed-out​ @evermxre​ @motherofredemption​ @bup1957​ @conquistadoradelmar​ @seaprofound​ @tcthinecwnself​ @withinycu​ @windguided​ @daevilhorns​ @concordia-cum-sinistro​ and YOU and I spent like 8 hours on this so pLEASE READ IT PLEASE I AM BEGGING I NEED VALIDATION I’M-

     repost don’t reblog. yall dont have to type this much.

MUSE: Captain Red Handed Jessica

Three Strengths:

     Her adaptability and resourcefulness.  Is she brave, yes.  Is she lucky, also yes.   But over all, she can roll with the cards she’s been dealt in a way that many would call inhumanly clever.  Her intelligence, her perception, and her charisma are all different ingredients of this indomitable characteristic of hers.  She can see the value in just about anything and anyone, can pick up on clues and tangents few others can follow, and can remember seemingly endless details, tho unfortunately not on command.  But even then, her patchy memory seems to contribute to this adaptability as well, as it usually allows for detachment.  If she can find resources everywhere, it means she can survive everywhere. There have been countless times where the wheel of fortune has suddenly turned on her and she’d lost near everything and her response was more or less Damn, ok I need food water and shelter lets go.  No food?  Grow food.  No water?  Ask someone if they have water.  No shelter?  Sleep outside.  No money?  Steal money.  Can’t hear anymore?  Cool I can use loud weapons.  Crashed on an island?  My island now.  Shot?  Free bullet.  She knows when to push, she knows when to quit, and sometimes she knows when to gamble based on her ability ( what a man can do and what he can’t do and all that ).  Strong she may be, she knows its foolish to rely on strength.  Survival of the fittest actually rarely means survival of the strongest. ( edit; this is the theme for the entirety of her character. I will say it 50,000 times. I am very sorry ).  And as a student of philosophy and biology, she understands that phrase better than most. Leading to our next point.

     Her understanding.  As I stated, her charisma is something unmatched, and is a key element in all three of her strengths.  This charisma might not exist as prominently were it not for her ability to understand.  She has limited ( I’ll get back to that ) but deep running empathy and while not terribly observant all the time, she is always perceptive.  Not only that, but she’s personally known abuse, hardship, and uncertainty, and understands that hate or anger can be rooted in similar pain.  She was schooled lightly in both Christian and Buddhist values before diving heavily into democratic philosophy, meaning she believes all being experience suffering and therefore kindness is a powerful sign of strength, but also that suffering while free and equal is better than comfort in oppression.  And between her sweet words and beautiful face, she can get most people to open up in ways they themselves my not have expected.  Being very good with people means she can learn from them, gain something from them, lead them, and/or use them.  But Jessica isn’t a manipulator in truth; her intentions are almost always kind or healthy ones.  She absolutely uses people from time to time but not EVER without them consenting to or being made aware of such because again, unlike a manipulative person, she understands that can ruin a relationship and therefore ruin a resource.  What it makes for is an excellent leader, a beloved captain, and a trusted ally at most and an excellent conversationalist at the least.      But her understanding isn’t just social, oh no.  It’s academic as well.  Armed only with his little library and the lessons of his own teachers, Jessica’s foster father tirelessly smithed her into a not just a girl who knew a lot of things, but a truly intelligent, thinking mind. He’d die before learning he’d succeeded tenfold.  Jessica isn’t one to just except things as they are, facts or otherwise.  She usually needs to prove it, experiment, see things from a new angle.  Debates with her are fun!  She has no issue admitting she’s wrong or confessing she’s never thought of it that way, and is actually wrong a lot of the time.  It doesn’t bruise her ego, it excites her.  It means there’s more to learn.  And her ability to constantly understand new concepts paired with her ability to overwhelmingly understand people combine to make for a very powerful core idea of hers:  We are fittest to survive because we all fit together.  Our humanity, our empathy, our community are our strengths because they keep us united, which keeps us the fittest.  No one is independent, no man is an island.  People are power. And thus her final strength is just that.

     Her power.  While she and I still firmly state that strength isn’t everything don’t be disillusioned; its very goddamn important.  And it’s something Jessica has plenty of.  She is durable and clever because of her rocky early childhood, she is quick and versatile from her youth in a pirate port, she is physically strong and mighty from her years training in martial arts, and she’s an absolute crackshot after years of diligent practice with her trusty pistols.  Her true strength may lie in her brains and in her allies yes, but even without them, Red Jessica is a powerhouse of a warrior.  She can end fights extremely quickly or run from them without a prayer of catching her ( no shame in the later, both skills keep you alive ).  And it may be in bad taste to say, but ever since loosing most of her hearing, Jess swears up and down it’s made her vision better, her reaction time faster, and her quick thinking even quicker.  Yes of course she’s slowed down with age, but a bullet shoots at the same speed no matter how old you are.  And you best hope she didn’t bring her firecrackers, because while sudden loud noises will absolutely temporarily discombobulate or debilitate an opponent with healthy hearing, it’ll hardly effect her at all and suddenly, you’re a sitting duck.  You see those thighs?  You see those calves?  She can crush PINEAPPLES with them!  People have seen her do it!  Do you know how many micro-fractures broke and rebuilt those hands?  Thousands!  She can crush a trachea like a fucking beer can!  She can kick you to death!  One ill placed curb stomp and you are DECEASED.  Sometimes she’ll just psyche you out because she KNOWS you know she can kill your stupid ass!       But while her strength, mental and physical, have always been there, her power is relatively new.  As stated before, people are power.  Not knowledge, not money, not strength.  People.  She’s a fearsome warrior but she’d be useless if outnumbered.  Shes a very successful pirate, but she’d never make it out of port without a crew on her ship.  She found a gorgeous island, but it’d still be wild without those who built it’s piers and buildings.  She manages orchards and tends to them and harvests them herself, but she would loose all of her crop without the helping hands of her employed farmers.  And like I mentioned, she deeply understands this.  Freedom is not independence or vice versa.  Did you make the clothes on your back or the fabric that made those clothes?  Did you write the books you read to make you smarter or teach you that skill?  Did you plant the seed years ago that grew that orange you’re eating?  No, of course not.  Jessica didn’t either.  Another human did.  We all need each other to fill the holes in our lives that we can’t fill ourselves.  Humans are puzzle pieces in that way, there is no bigger picture or prayer for survival on our own.  And because of this, we can do anything we as a community, as a SPECIES work together to achieve.  There is no knowledge if there’s no one to learn from, there is no money if a society don’t give it value, your money is worthless if those you’re paying decide to rise against you, your role as leader only exists at the consent of those you lead, and your strength won’t save you from a sinking ship.  People are, and always will be, power.       And as someone who is exceptionally strong and exceedingly smart, Jessica has slotted herself in the humanity puzzle thusly: The strong exist to protect the weak, the smart exist to educate, and the lucky exist so the unlucky may be given aid.  And it is with this fairness and compassion that she has won the trust of so many.  She has a great many friends and allies even outside of those in her crew or on her island.  And she can make many more with ease.  That kind of power is not a power to be trifled with, even if she can kick your ass six ways to Saturday without it. 

Three Weaknesses:

     She suffers ADHD.  Now before ANY OF Y’ALL SAY ANYTHING, I myself also suffer ADHD.  And yes I do say suffer because well that’s what it causes for Jessica and I, suffering.  Yes, it is ableist language to say ‘suffering from’ rather than ‘has’ or ‘is diagnosed with’ and yes it perpetuates a stigma against us but god DAMN IT in both Jessica’s case and mine, it make life much much harder than it needs to be.  At the end of the day, Red Jessica is a fantasy of mine; I pour myself into her whether I mean to or not.  She’s the adult I wish I was, the person I might be if I had no anxiety, or brainfog, or lived in a world were I didn’t need a credit score or a degree. And even then, I can’t say I know anyone else’s problems better than my own.  So if my character has problems, by sheer osmosis they are going to reflect some of mine.  Both of the characters I write have ADHD because I have ADHD and I couldn’t even begin to know how a non-ADHD mind works to write it properly.  And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say it causes me suffering.  I can’t drive, I can’t hold down a job, I nearly flunked out of school, I still cant read very fast or spell very well, I am constantly overwhelmed by mundane things, I’m a slow learner, I forget very important things or recent things, I forget about things that mean the world to me, I forget about people, I stumble through tasks, I procrastinate hobbies and basic hygiene, and everything I do takes all goddamn day and I can only really do one important thing at a time and in order of importance.  If I have a date at 4pm, I’m dressed and ready at 11am because I’ve gotta do the important thing first or else I will forget to do the important thing.  I started typing this at a little before 5pm.  It’s 7;30.  It’ll probably be 10 o’clock at night by the time I fucking finish ( edit: l m a o its 1am bitch you thought ).  I’m 26 and am just medicated enough to barely function.  So yeah.  Suffering is the word.       Though for Jessica, perhaps suffering is a tad strong of a word.  Her ADHD affects her ability to function in far less debilitating ways ( though whether that’s a result of a less severe diagnosis than me or the result of the society, situations, and responsibilities she functions in and around are far different from mine, who’s to say ).  For her, she has very consuming hyperfixations that can last anywhere between weeks to decades, a spotty memory that is detail and memento oriented,  she’s scatterbrained more often then not but can focus with amazing clarity on her interests or in high adrenaline situations, is is ABYSMALLY bad at math and EXCRUCIATINGLY bad with numbers ( as opposed to me, who is good at numbers but shit at spelling or reading ), she can forget anything no matter how important it is to her or to anyone, she’s bad with names and dates, is COMPLETELY time-blind, has trouble prioritizing, and of course, wile not actually that materialistic, she absolutely has the ol’ magpie instinct.       While her poor memory assists in her adaptability and ability to move on, it also means she forgets things she needed to remember, like when the last time she bathed was and who this person is and what happened between her and someone else or what conversation’s shes had.  Unfortunately this means she’s a very good friend and leader... while you’re around and interacting with her on at least a weekly basis.  It’s almost a lack of object permanence in both a social and very real sense.  If something is not right in front of her, odds are she’s not going to think about it.  And while its something she constantly kicks herself for and actively tries to be better about, it applies to people too.  Face to face is the best way to interact with her; she won’t think to write you and in her modern verse she won’t think to ever call and she’ll text you back in perhaps a few days.  She doesn’t value you any less, I promise.  She’s just either distracted or overwhelmed.  Also, for someone as understanding as her, she is surprisingly self-centered.  Not selfish, self-centered.  She’ll talk about herself more than she should, and will assume people understand that she’s doing so as a form of showing empathy rather than bragging when they may not know this at all.  Actually she accidentally assumes all the time.  It was far worse when her hearing was functional; she’d finish your sentence for you or guess what it was you were going to say ( again, not to talk over, you but to show she understands you and the conversation, tho it usually came of as annoying or patronizing ).  Sometimes she mistakenly assumes you believe or know the same things she does without even realizing it.  Maybe she perceives the right idea off of someone but isn’t observant enough to notice anything past that.  And while she is willing to change her mind about things, she might change her mind a tad too quickly.  She’s an over-sharer and is horrible at keeping any kind of secret.  Romantic relationships tend to fizzle out. Her impulse control is improving but has a VERY long way to go. She’s always chasing something new.       All and all, when you’re a pirate, a librarian, or even a captain, all of these things may be irritating and inconvenient, but are overall manageable in chunks.  ...But as a governor to her island, as a leader of an entire population... oof. In the position of leadership that she’s in, she can’t afford to make too many massive mistakes, and she knows this.  ‘There is no power quite like the power of being underestimated’ is a phase you’ll hear her say a lot but for her, there is a shift in connotation.  If people expect less and you do more that’s a great upper hand in any situation but for her, it was a safety net.  Having ADHD sometimes means going months or years being fine and then eventually you fuck up and everyone around you wonders how in the world you managed to do that.  She has only barely avoided disaster more times than she’d like to admit.  Even with the resourcefulness, the understanding, and the power she wields, she’s finally starting to realize that she’s bit off more than she might be able to chew, with the entire well-beings and livelihoods of others on the line.  And she fears that one day she’ll play her cards wrong and everything she’d built, everything she’s done, will all come crashing down in ruin.

     She is Hard of Hearing.  This one is literally as simple as it sounds: she has moderate and degenerative hearing loss and tinnitus after years of canons, explosions, gunshots, and a definitive, scale tipping attack in her early 30s.  Her ears just don’t work at all like they used to.  The whole world sounds like it would if everything was underwater: she can’t pin point the location of sounds, how far off or close sounds are, and barely registers changes in volume. And it only gets worse the older she gets; one day she won’t hear anything at all.  And while yes, again, it might be very harsh and ableist to say, the truth of the matter that being deaf a “ weakness ” more often than its a strength.       That said, it very well can be a strength.  I’ve already mentioned that trick with the firecrackers and let me tell you it is a DAMN EFFECTIVE TRICK.  Shes around explosions and canons and guns all the time and now she can focus while being around them five times better than she could in the past!  But unfortunately it also means she’s very easy to sneak up on, she sometimes isn’t aware of danger until it’s nearly too late,  no one can get her attention or warn her across any distance, it’s very easy to escape from her, and it’s easy for her to be just... left out of things.  She might hear you talking, but she has little to no idea what you’re saying without sign or lipreading.  Some people don’t have the patience or even just the courtesy to speak slower, or clearer, or repeat themselves a lot.  Though, those last too thinks aren’t weaknesses of hers so much as they are the weakness of others, but they still negatively affect her self esteem and her effectiveness as a leader.       All of this has taught her to pick her battles carefully, and plan around the elements of surprise and discombobulation.  And while communication was tricky at first, it only got easier, and now she can talk to you almost like anyone can, so long as she’s looking you in the face. 

     That damn bleeding heart.  We have established a number of things that should easily add up to an overly empathetic, trusting, fight-the-good-fight, martyr-some, idealistic pushover;  she believes humanity and kindness are strengths, she has taken on the role of leader and then a provider, she has known suffering and tasked herself with ending the suffering of others to the best of her ability,  she lacks the clarity of mind to assume people aren’t just as good or capable as her automatically, she can have poor impulse control at times,  she wants to have relationships, and ( while I never stated this outright yet it can be inferred  ), she believes that being able to see yourself in others is the foundation of humanity and ( as i did say outright ) humanity is what keeps us unified and unity is what makes us fit and strong.  Keeping up?  Good. Here’s the curve ball: How can she whole hardheartedly preach and believe all of this, to the point of it being the foundation of her character, WHILE BEING A VIOLENT THIEVING AND BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATE?!  HOW, MANGO? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!  Ok, fine, sure, I will. I’m sure about one half of you are looking up from the screen and going “ Oh yeah, wow I totally forgot that bit. “ and the other half got about two and a half paragraphs in before squinting and silently calling bullshit. So let me explain.      In short, she’s a detached hypocrite and is well aware and unashamed of her hypocrisy while far less aware of her detachment. I’ll cover both:  Western culture as a whole seems to be under the impression that hypocrisy, despite context or importance, is automatically bad.  I don’t know where this comes from personally ( my bet is Christianity but I have exactly 0 evidence ) but its a very... flawed idea.  Take the freedom of speech vs racism problem; say you owned a bar where all could speak their mind freely over cold drinks.  Excellent concept without context, right?  Sure. ....Then a die hard racist covered in slurs and symbols walks in and orders- what are you going to do?  The correct answer is to throw him out instantly.  Not let him sit so long as he doesn’t cause trouble, not just ignore him and hope he doesn’t return, you throw him out.  Is it hypocritical?  Yep!  Sure is!  But it is also 100% necessary to protect your other patrons because if you don’t, the racist starts feeling safe and bringing his racist buddies, literally everyone else starts feeling unsafe and starts to hang out elsewhere, and two months later, ta da!  You now own a n*zi bar and there is literally nothing you can do about it. Jessica is in a somewhat similar situation.  You as a pretend bar owner need to make a decision as who to let into your bar and who to throw out for the good of all of your patrons.  Jessica too is faced daily with that decision.  If she want’s to help as many people as possible, the only realistic way she can do that are by protecting those under her leadership... only.  She is surrounded by hateful, angry, sneaky, traitorous, abusive, or otherwise evil people.  Piracy as a profession and poverty in general can do that to a person.  Of course there is a clear difference between those down on their luck and desperate, and the truly cruel and twisted, but unfortunately both types of people yield the same wrongdoings.  It’s absolutely her nature to extend a hand to anyone and everyone but.... she just can’t anymore.  Too many times has her trust been betrayed, too many times has she gotten in peoples business trying to be helpful, only for her to absolutely bite her in the ass.  Too many time the extended hand is bitten and once or twice, she’s actually made things worse.       Now, she will only help someone she loves, someone under her leadership, or someone who seeks her out.  That’s it.  And even then, sometime it manages to bite er in the ass.  But she had to set that hard limit for herself out of necessity, one she does her absolute best to adhere too and... these days she adheres a little too well. That leads us to our next point; what I was alluding to at the beginning of her Understanding essay when I said she has limited but deep running empathy.  That detachment again, courtesy of a very unattached mother and unchecked ADHD. ( It isn’t a strong enough characteristic to even rank as a strength or a weakness but damn if it isn’t an undercurrent to a lot of her motivations and experiences. ) Strangers are fair game that she tries to ignore, but if she even perceives you as a threat, you could be in danger. Like anyone used to violence or perhaps anyone trapped in an us verses them mindset, she can just... flat... turn her empathy off.  Not on command, she’s not a socio or psychopath persay.  But she has become totally numb to the horror of violence via her warrior upbringing that, in her mind, violence can actually be rather fun. Pair that with the fact that she purposely tailored herself to only be empathetic to her allies and boom.  You get a kindhearted killer.  Cops and soldiers in our world do it literally every day.  Actually anyone can do it really, even you if you tried. You don’t have to be evil or even angry to kill or steal or lie... you just have to believe you’re right.

Three Secrets:

     WHAT SECRETS?!  LMAO this bitch is the oversharing queen!! I’ve been typing and pondering her character for literal hours ( its currently 11:16, fuck you adderall ), and I still can not think of a single goddamn secret.  There is nothing about her that at least five random people don’t fucking know about!! The only secrets she has are secrets she knows about other people and even then she is!! literally the worst!! She spills her guts left and right and yet she wants to be a mysterious bitch SO BAD like BABE I love you, you’re precious, but you are a dumbass attention seeking validation chasing adhd CLOWN girl!! Stop telling random people about your hermaphroditism or your dairy allergy or your dead dad or that time you fell asleep in a barrel like that is literally your uber driver Jessica honey come ooooon. I’m skipping this section mom holy fuck.

Three Fears:

     What if she does wrong by everyone who trusts her?  As stated at the end of the ADHD essay, she’s terrified of failing those she leads.  Where it as simple as personal failure, she’d be fine.  Ever if her entire world came crashing down on top of her she’d either die or start back from square one.  Death is a fact of life and her adaptability means she can just dust herself off and move on, so neither her death nor her failures really scare her... But it isn’t just her life and happiness at stake, is it? Not anymore, right?  What started as a leader of a small gang of rebels became a full crew, then a crew became a slew of allies, then those allies built a town and now... now she’s the governor of the Crimson Isle and there are nearly twenty five HUNDRED lives at her mercy.   HER mercy.  One really, really bad mistake could ruin their livelihoods or spark disorder and disloyalty.  And if she died?  Would whoever it is that will take her place be as good to them as she is?  Is she good enough to begin with in the first place? Every day the paperwork gets a little bit thicker, every year there’s a new baby or two.  And the isle has fertile soil sure but will it last?  Are they prepared for a raid or a hurricane?  And if Jessica trusts the wrong people, where her people right to trust her?  ...can I protect them? Can I protect them?! CAN I PROTECT THEM?!

     Who am I if I’m not interesting?  This is, literally, an entirely subconscious fear.  She’s not at all aware it exists and therefor this entry is short. But between her short time with her very unimpressed mother, her own ADHD, she is constantly hungry for attention without even realizing it.  She must be interesting and intriguing and engaging, and I did mention she wants to also be mysterious.  She wants not so much your input or even your validation - but rather if shes not perceived then.... is she really there? Remember, she is unaware of any of this.  And fortunately she’d never been starved for attention to act out over it in the first place, even when her disinterested mother was alive. Look at her; she’s radiant, she’s beautiful, and she’s 6′4 / 195 cm shredded and covered in cool scars. Without even opening her mouth, without even her colorful clothes, she’s kind of automatically interesting.  So she’s never been so desperate for attention that she acts out because she’s never been without it for very long.  But it’s there. Hungry, aching, silent.  Those years after the M branding were horrible and she could never really explain why.  She still throws parties, organizes festivals, and talks to damn near anyone who will listen.  Look at my art!  Look at my library! Listen to how much I know! Let me tell you how lovely you are! Look at my scares! Look at my hair! Look at me haha, please, please look at me. 

     GHOSTS. NOPE. No. NO. Fuck ALL of that noise. Stay dead, go to hell, eat a dick.  Red Jessica is a scientist and superstitious atheist. As an academic and somewhat bi-cultural woman she simply thinks there are far too many religions with far too much history for any of them to be considered The One True Thing You Must Believe Or ElseTM and she tends to not truly believe anything until she finds some kind of proof.  Shes not afraid of the unknown, shes thrilled by it. She’s not afraid of death or the afterlife, that’s beyond her control. She’s only superstitious because she does believe in and value luck, and also its a bit of a cultural habit. BUT IF SOME SHIT STARTS MOVING ON ITS OWN OR IF SHE SEES SOME BULLSHIT IN THE CORNER OF HER EYE THEN SHE IS OUT OF THERE. OUTIE 5000. She has heard the tales of lost souls from purgatory or the eternally ravenous Pret or dangerous Phi Tai Hong or the tragic and startling Banshees or the creepy Santa Compana and she wouldn’t believe a word of it where it not for one thing.      SHE FUCKING SAW ONE. She’ll never forget it, it was the first and last time she EVER attempted to plunder a tomb all Skyrim style and at first she thought it was one of the crewmean being creepy as shit until she got a good look and he was SEE THROUGH AS SHIT AND SKINNY AS FCUK AND SHE GOT LITERALLY CHASED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT JOINT. She does not CARE that some ghosts are just apparitions she does not CARE that some are friendly and trying to warn her of something if you are MOVING and DEAD at the SAME time get FUCKED. If any of y’all cringe try-hards bring a Ouija board to the party you are getting SENT HOME and BLOCKED. NO CAP.

Three Goals:

   She really only has one left. Listen its... almost 1am and ive been typing since like 5pm i think i covered goals somewhere in here but ive gotta throw in the towel but even then I’m kinda being serious.  Her only remaining goal is to find a suitable heir of some kind.  She wants what she’s built to fall into worthey hands but she could never seem to find a good parter and even when she did she couldn’t sustain a pregnancy ( you’d think that would be a huge deal but it hardly mattered to her oddly ).  So at 50 the option of having kids is out but there’s still plenty of hope for either adoption or a protege.  But then again, she’s so busy these days that she hardly prioritizes it like she wants to.  

                                                                               holy shit i need some water...

#i.... i did it.. its done.. its DONE #...this took my entire saterday #i will literally pay yall actuall dollars to read all of this please... it took so long i dont want it to be for nothing qwq #x; EVER PLAYED CRAZY EIGHTS? { dash games } #x; QUITE THE PIRATE GAL { portrait } #x; WHY AREN'T YOU A CLEVER ONE? { meta }

[domesticateddog]

not to say my house was chaotic or that we never argued bc that’s FAR from the truth, having a raging alcoholic father (who’s current sobriety is debatable) and an absolute complete and total enabler of a mother who’s own issues prevent her from ever protecting her kids from her idyllic husband that she wants but doesn’t have really fucks with things. but i don’t necessarily remember having to explain everything i do? recently i’ve started to catch myself overexplaining just dumb simple thing and stopping myself and just going like “……bc i want it/to.” like i remember my mom was buying this 2 pack of braided 6ft long charger cables and i asked if i could have one but i said like “can i have one of them? i need it bc i cant reach my charger from my bed and also it would be nice to have a backup since i only have the small little one upstairs” or whatever i said when i could have just said “could i have the extra one?” this example doesn’t really cover what i’m talking about btw but i couldn’t think of a better example lol maybe i just feel guilty for existing and i overcompensate for it by being insane

#i’ll think of a better example in like 2 weeks and come back to this maybe

[morgannwilsonnn]

Chapters

I would be lying if i said i wasn't scared to start college in 12 day's. Even typing it makes me anxious, i don't think i have ever seen my own true potential in anything i have ever done. my doubt's and my fear's of what if have always held me back in some way and what is embarrassing is the fact that i have allowed it to become so normal that it has taken so much from me, it has degraded me made me feel like i wasn't worthy or smart enough or even capable.

See i didn't even finish highschool i got my GED after having my daughter at 16, i was the athlete everyone thought would make it but it was a shocker to them after that no one believed in me and i had a fire under my ass to prove them wrong even with a GED but then i dropped out of college and life happened i needed a job and a roof and from there i just got comfortable in what i did but even then it didn't feel like i was where i was meant to be. sitting behind a desk forever living life just enough to get by but never enough to do the things i wanted with my daughter. I looked for new job's with no luck and it made me feel even worse not good enough i felt stuck but i kept trying and even praying that this life wasn't what was meant for the rest of my life i somehow had to get out of the cycle and beat the statics of a single mom working 9-5 living on state for the rest of her life... then i got fired and lost my car almost lost my home i started busing tables even tho it wasn't nearly enough to pay all my bills i took turn running late on one or the other just to make it. Then i found i new job making 19 a hour but my first two days over whelmed me i didn't understand shit and how could i set myself up for failure i didn't believe in myself so i quit and went back to busing tables got pregnant had health issues and became a stay at home mom for going on two years now.

my life summed up over the last four years of my life.

being a stay at home mom has taught me alot about myself tho mainly that it is not easy and you fall into dark cracks sometimes so dark you're scared that you'll never resurface the cries become tuned out you forget that outside is even a place you cant help but cry as you wash dishes with no thoughts other then just feeling sad. you wonder if your kids would be better off without you because you feel guilty for being so comfortable with the feeling of frustration. but then you resurface and come back and say you wont go back but its like someone with a drug or alcoholic addiction you are bound to relapse back and it only gets worse but you hide it better each time you cry in the shower or when the kids are napping you sit up restless because your mind races. you start to feel like you have nothing to offer you completely forget your worth and what you can do your potential.

BUT everytime i tried to find a solution maybe i needed to set a goal to go out once a month or sit alone for a hour every day go to the gym go on a walk go shopping go to counseling and some how i still kept falling in between the cracks deeper and deeper.. i lost hope i wallowed that this was my life that i would never have my own life again but i had to love it because i loved my kids..

till one day i woke up and realized this person i have became over the last two years isnt who i have ever been. i am a strong working strong willed self determened women and the only thing that stopped me was me.

i remember sitting there thinking how bad i wish i could buy my own car again after watching tyler buy his the joy in his face made me happy but the sadness i felt because i didn't take a part made me want that happiness 100% to share TOGETHER. i started looking at my credit from when i lost my job it went to shit i use to have a 880 credit. and i thought what the fuck morgan... i told myself i would pay off one of the things as a starter to fixing my credit but once i made the first payment i cant explain how good it felt to know i wouldn't look back wishing i would have paid it then and it put a fire under my ass that i paid off three more things. that alone made me realize how it felt to have my own control over my financial freedom. i started thinking big after that and looking back into school for PTA 2 year schooling i could have finished that by now and been a PTA by the age of 20 instead of dwelling in my could have i realized instead how fast two years goes by so i started investing my free time on how to start college im not gonna lie i almost quit at the starting line but i didn't i started blowing up the schools phone asking questions more then once writing all over my notebook reorganizing it all on a new sheet and finally i would be starting school oct 18th..

but why would i wanna stop there when i could only dream of all these things in life a tahoe for my kids to have a nice car with back ac a nice house so they dont have to share a room anymore paying for sports clothes trips just because wanting to finish paying off the rest of my credit so i can do these things! i asked myself how bad did i really want it and i always knew i wanted it bad but just because you want something bad doesnt mean you get it so i asked myself how bad are you willing to invest in yourself... and that one caught me so i sat back for a few days exploring jobs and nothing fit my schedule so i gave up because not only that child care is 900 a week for one kid.. but then i got a text for a night time job working 6 hours from 6:30 to midnight .. i debated with myself about it because my man works till 5 some days i would never see him and only have sunday monday off but then i told myself invest and sacrifice now so i dont have to when my kids are older so i took it and granted i will be going to school part time 7am to 10am dropping my daughter off at school at 10;45 to pick her up at 2:30 and have time inbetween the time gaps to do her homework and mine as well as study before work at 6 i will be a tired beezy but i know it will be worth it three years from now. if i grind at night pay off my last two things on my credit start saving and graduate college all while showing my kids and man i can do it and i will do it not just for myself but for them because nothing in this life is impossible when you wake up and realize you build your own potential no one else and i for once in my life want to prove to myself how strong i am .