#and i don't even understand what module this assignment is for?

[the-casbah-way]

i just think it's so unfair that when i left high school my entire support system was gone overnight and i was just expected to get on with it with no help and because i wasn't diagnosed back then no one believed me or accommodated for me or cared, so i had to postpone my degree for two years and watch all my friends graduate without me and move to different cities and i went from being a straight a student who never had to study in their life to barely scraping the minimum grades and never showing up to class because i had convinced myself i was too stupid and slow to ever get my degree because i wasn't getting any of the support i kept asking for and was expected to read and listen to lectures without any help and keep up with everyone else when none of my support needs were being met. and now after trying for five years to find a way to get the degree i always wanted my uni have told me they're not going to let me do it anymore because of one module requirement that i missed because i was in hospital against my own choice. and even after i said i would use the entirety of my savings which i specifically worked for so that i could have a safety net for my studies to pay for the extra year required to get the module they need they've still said no. even though there's a bunch of spare places on the course and it wouldn't impact my timetable at all. even though i got As in every assignment i did for that course compared the the Bs and Cs i used to get in every other subject. even when i told them that i can't keep doing a science based humanities subject because i have dyscalculia and it's literally impossible for me to get through a single sentence of reading on my own, compared to the module i want to do where my lecturer literally bought me extra course textbooks with his own money because i finished everything else on the reading list in my own time and he said he was impressed with the work i sent him. i told them that me and my brother are the first in my family to go to uni, and how neither of my parents finished school or have any qualifications, and i never though in a million years i would ever get to have a degree and i've had everything stacked against me because their uni is 99% rich able bodied neurotypicals and i'm so close to graduating even though i had no support at all for the first four years. and they still don't care. they can't even give me a reason as to why they won't let me get the degree i want. they just keep saying 'we're not in a position to let you do the extra module' over and over again and i don't even understand what they mean. i'm going to pay for it myself. they have spare spaces on the course. i don't understand what else i can do to make them listen. they talk so much about diversity and accessibility yet every other poor and disabled person i talk to (and there's barely fucking any at this uni because they don't want us to be there) has been through similar experiences and had opportunities taken away from them because they were too unwell to attend one single fucking class. i don't know what to do but i've been here way too long and tried way too hard to drop out now. but i also can't bear to not to the degree i've always dreamed of. i don't want to do anything else

#this is what triggered my whole episode last week or whenever it was i tried to off myself #i've been ignoring it since then so that i can become sane again but #it's been stuck in my brain the whole time and i don't know what to do about it #i can't accept it and move on because i don't understand why it's happening and i don't think it's fair #but idk what to do and i don't want to kick up a fuss or act like i'm being like victimised or some shit #it's just. i only missed that module because i was literally on a drip and almost had to get a blood transfusion #it wasn't like i couldn't be arsed to show up. i was really sick and it was also when i found out my dad had cancer again idk #even if i'd had it in me to show up to classes i wouldn't have taken anything in or passed my assignments #and i told them that and they said it was fine #if they'd told me it would mean i wouldn't get my degree i would've done something about it #idk what i could've done but i would've done something

[bangtanficsforyou]

Girl Of His Dreams (03)

Pairing: Fuckboi! Jungkook x Reader

Au: Strangers to Lovers au

Genre: Angst, fluff, smut (eventually)

Rating: 18+

Word count: 9.5K

Summary: You think Jungkook is the utter definition of beauty. Jungkook thinks you’re cute but just not his type. Throw a magic ring into the equation, that makes you look like the girl of his dreams and you have the perfect recipe for heartbreak and tears.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

The pinging sound of your phone distracts you from your assignment. You put your pen down and look at your mobile screen to notice an incoming text message from Jungkook.

Jungkook: hey

You: hello

Jungkook: free for a chat?

Technically, you aren't.

You have assignments to complete and modules that need to be studied. It only makes sense for you to tell him that you're busy but then there's a part of you that's curious as to what Jungkook might have to say. Plus, you doubt you'd be able to focus on your assignment now, even if you try to. Your mind will keep going back to Jungkook and you will keep wondering if what he had to say was something important.

It's better you quench your curiosity and then get back to work as that will be more productive.

You: yeah sure 

You: what's up?

Jungkook: nothing much

Jungkook: just wanted to talk to you :)

Jungkook: but firstly, i gotta ask, did you enjoy meeting Jimin and Taehyung today? 

You: ofc I did!

You didn't. 

It wasn't nice to be the unattractive one in a room full of attractive people. It wasn't nice to get judgemental looks from Jimin. It wasn't nice to watch Taehyung walk gracefully and realise how incompatible you're. But needless to say, you can't say all that to Jungkook.

Jungkook: well i'm glad 

Jungkook: i look forward to our next practice session

You: me too! 

A lie.

You chew on your lower lip as a thought occurs to you.

You: btw when is it?

Jungkook: I'm not sure 

Jungkook: but most likely next week

Relief courses through your veins, at that. You'd at least get the time to prepare yourself. 

You: works fine 

Jungkook: we could meet sometime before that if you'd like? 

You: for the competition?

You: like to discuss something about it?

Jungkook: nah

Jungkook: just to meet and get to know each other better ;)

Your stomach sinks at what he could possibly mean. But you try your best to not come to any conclusions, although the little wink at the end of his text makes it incredibly difficult for you to do so.

You: is this for anything in particular?

You: i'm asking because i'll have to check my schedule and make time accordingly

Jungkook: nothing in particular really

Jungkook: well we could maybe just go to a restaurant

Jungkook: eat and chat ;)

Uh oh. This definitely sounds like a date.

But you still refuse to come to a conclusion and decide to ask him directly.

You: tell me if I'm wrong but this is sounding like a date 🤔

Jungkook: well then maybe it is 😏

When you read the text that confirms your suspicions, you sigh.

You're aware that Jungkook thinks you're his dream partner. With that awareness comes the understanding that sooner or later he'd have asked you out on a date. Although to be fair, you didn't think it would be this soon. You thought you had more time before you had to face the consequences of your actions.

But then it's Jungkook. He does have this aura about him which gives off the impression that he just goes after what he wants, irrespective of the pace the rest of the world is accustomed to.

However, you don't feel excited at the thought of going on a date with him. If anything, it is making you feel guilty. 

One month. Just one month. It's not permanent. The moment you remove the ring, Jungkook will stop seeing you as his ideal partner. Everything will go back to normal.

You repeat the words in your head like a mantra until you feel some of the guilt subside.

You: well then

You: it's a date

Jungkook: great!

Jungkook: are you free tomorrow? After the classes get over?

You: yeah, I am

Jungkook: great I'll come to pick you up 

Jungkook: wear something nice for me 😉

Jungkook: oh also, what kind of food do you prefer?

Jungkook: Italian? Mexican? Chinese?

You: anything works for me 

Jungkook: well that answer won't do :(

You: umm well then Italian sounds great!

Jungkook: done 👍

Wow.

You stare at your screen blankly as the whole conversation sinks in. 

Looks like you are going on a date with Jungkook. That too tomorrow.

"I don't understand who made him a professor," Brie grumbles, looking done with everything.

"Trust me everyone in the class has the same question," you murmur, feeling a mix of amusement, frustration and annoyance. 

The professor in question is Mr. Reymond, who writes whatever he has to, on board, while talking and explaining it to himself. Once done, he will ask the class if they have understood or not, but hey, he doesn't really care. Hence, he answers his own question and rubs the board before moving on to the next topic. 

"Man, his classes always make me feel sleepy," she yawns. "It's such a pain in the ass to pretend that you're listening to his shit."

"Eh, it's not like he cares," you shrug, noticing the number of people who are busy chatting away, some even occupied with their phones. 

Brie notices the same thing and wonders if she could get away with sleeping through the class. "Do you think he would care if we sleep?"

"Try it out, I guess."

"I should give it a try, it would be like a cool experiment," she nods, applauding herself for coming up with something this great. "Now, c'mon close your notebook and put your head down on the table."

You glance at her sideways. "I never said I'm gonna accompany you in your little sleep experiment."

"It's not like copying those notes blankly would do you any benefit." She rolls her eyes and takes the initiative to take your notebook away from you and closes it shut. "Now sleep."

You huff and contemplate. You won't lie, you are really sleepy. You woke up earlier than usual because you had to choose what to wear for today's date. It wasn't an easy decision to make as you had to settle on something that won't look too formal or fancy to attend classes in but at the same time won't look too casual to wear on a date. Ultimately, you squared down to a yellow dress. It's simple yet elegant, which makes it the perfect choice.

But the question in hand is should you give in to your sleepiness? You look at Brie who's looking at you with eyes full of expectations and sigh. A nap is worth it. Who knows maybe you'll wake up looking fresh.

Brie grins at you, satisfied and proud when you put your head down before she does the same. 

As it turns out, Mr. Reymond couldn't really care less about his students taking a nap in the middle of the class. Good for both of you, as when the bell rings, you two wake up feeling refreshed and energised. 

"Want to go to the nearby cafe?" Brie asks, as she packs her bag up.

"I can't, I have assignments to complete."

That's technically not a lie, you do have assignments that need to be done. However, it's not due to the assignments that you deny accompanying Brie to the cafe. You're supposed to go on your little date with Jungkook and it's only after the date that you'll be able to return to your college work. But you can't tell that to Brie and hence give her the half-truth.

She sighs and mumbles to herself, "I should have guessed that response."

You two head out of the class and you take your phone out with the intention of shooting Jungkook a text to let him know that your classes are done for the day. 

"Hey, isn't it that guy?" Brie elbows you and asks in a hushed whisper. "What's his name?"

You furrow your brows, interrupted mid texting and look at Brie in a questioning manner. She motions you to look in a particular direction and your eyes follow hers. 

Your mouth parts open in surprise and your steps halt when you realise who it is. "Jungkook."

"Jungkook! Jeon Jungkook! That's what his name is," Brie exclaims, finally feeling satisfied having put the puzzle of his name in place. 

You look back at the screen of your phone and delete the words you had typed. Fuck, when Jungkook had said he would be coming to pick you up, you didn't think he meant right in front of your classroom. 

"Isn't he a fashion designing student, though? What is he doing here in our building?" Brie asks out loud to no one in particular. 

"You know him?" Your ask, your interest suddenly piqued. 

"Well duh," she states with an expression as if that should be obvious. "Who doesn't know him? He's famous for being a fuckboy. Wonder what the girls see in him, though."

Well, that makes sense. After all, Jungkook has got quite a reputation for that. "I mean, he's attractive. I think that does it for him," you shrug. 

She scoffs in amusement and looks at you in disbelief. "Y/N, please. He's not attractive."

Now, it's you who's looking at her in disbelief. "Are you blind? He's literally one of the most handsome guys I have ever come across."

"Eh, I don't find anything attractive about being a jerk," Brie replies without missing a beat as she looks over to where Jungkook is with eyes full of judgement. 

Say whatever anyone wants, there's no changing Brie's mind about the opinion she holds of him. She had seen many girls cry over him and had formed a sense of dislike towards the guy from the very beginning. But it wasn't something personal until Jungkook broke Sana's heart. 

Sana, who's a very dear friend of Brie's, is also one of the sweetest and kindest people she has ever met. The audacity Jungkook had playing with Sana's heart had Brie fuming.

She had half the mind to go and punch Jungkook right in his face but somehow managed to hold back her anger. But it wasn't only Jungkook who was on the receiving end of her rage, it was Sana as well.

She simply couldn't understand why Sana would ever expect anything more from Jungkook, despite knowing the kind of reputation he has. Brie did not mean to be that person, but she couldn't help but think that people walking up to him and offering their hearts on a silver plate gave Jungkook the perfect excuse to not own up to the hurt he causes people and say 'they signed up for it'. 

However, according to Sana, she had genuinely believed that Jungkook cared for her and liked her enough to not let the relationship be just another casual fling. But of course, she was proved wrong.

Brie had several logical arguments why expecting something more from Jungkook was foolish. But the tears that streamed down Sana's face, had made Brie's heart soften. It made her realise that she did not need to make the points as Sana was most likely telling those things to herself anyway.

Things become messy when despite knowing, that you'll end up getting hurt, you go for it, thinking and believing that it's worth it. When the hurt and pain do catch up, who do you blame? The person who caused it or yourself?

If only Jungkook had a decent bone in his body and knew how to respect people's emotions. 

Nevertheless, since that incident, Brie has been holding this resentment towards the boy for making someone like Sana feel this way. She simply can't keep calm every time she thinks about the amount of hurt he causes people and gets away with. Just like that, without any consequences.

Imagine her surprise when she realises that Jungkook; the very same Jungkook she despises, is walking towards the both of you. 

The moment you have the same realisation, you look away from him and look down at your feet. You chew on your bottom lip and keep your gaze fixed on the ground, trying to avoid any weird looks you might be getting from the people around. 

Jungkook stops in front of you and grins at the way you refuse to look at him. He bends down so that your eyes and his, are at the same level and greets you. "Hey, Y/N."

"Umm hey," you greet back meekly. 

He assumes you're feeling shy and the thought makes him oddly satisfied. 

"Are you ready for our date?" He queries.

Brie chokes on thin air and starts coughing loudly. "What do you mean by date?"

You look up immediately to answer Brie before Jungkook can but your words get stuck in your throat when you notice the look on Brie's face. 

It's that of incredulity. 

Her eyes go back and forth between you and Jungkook and it immediately makes you feel the same way you did under Jimin's gaze. You assume that she is most likely thinking the same thing Jimin did; why is Jungkook going on a date with you?

But the fact that it's coming from Brie, makes you more defensive than you were when it came to Jimin. 

You almost feel betrayed?

"I think the word 'date' is pretty self-explanatory," you snap, without intending to.

Your sudden defensive stance and stiff body language catches Brie off guard. And before she can ask anything else, you leave the spot and start walking towards the main gate. 

Jungkook walks right behind you.

"Who was she?" Jungkook pries once the two of you are out. Although the interaction was short, he could feel how the question asked by the girl caused you visible discomfort. 

You take a deep exhale and feel immediate regret for the way you responded to Brie. You don't know why you reacted the way you did. Anyone would think the way Jimin did. Anyone would wonder why someone like Jungkook would take interest in someone like you. So what if Brie is your friend? That doesn't mean that she doesn't have a pair of eyes and common sense. Why did you even think that she would have a different reaction?

"She's Brie," you sigh softly. "She's my friend."

"I see," Jungkook nods, taking the hint that you do not wish to elaborate any further. "Should I call the car then?"

This has you blinking and stops your overthinking. "Car?"

Jungkook winks at you. "You didn't think I'd take you out in an uber, did you?"

Well to be fair, you didn't expect anything in particular. You were too busy stressing about how you should go about things to think about what Jungkook might have planned for the date. 

You watch silently as Jungkook types something on his phone and moments later a Mercedes pulls over. You're too much of a noob to guess what the model is but you can tell it's expensive (well, to be fair, all Mercedes cars are).

He quickly walks up to the car and opens the backseat door for you. "Come on, hop in," he urges you, looking excited. 

You thank him with a small, unsure smile and get in. Jungkook shuts the door before jogging over to the other side and getting in. 

He sits next to you and asks the chauffeur to start the car, having already told him where to go. 

However, you have no idea. You're in a car which has three people in it and it's only you who has no clue where you're headed. This doesn't sit right with you and causes your curiosity to spike. 

"Where are we going?" You query looking at Jungkook expectantly. 

"You will see when we reach there," he replies with a small curve of his lips. "That dress looks really cute on you, by the way. It suits you." 

You have never believed any of Jungkook's compliments. You know he only says that because he is viewing you through the rose-coloured glasses the ring has put on him. Hence, every time he gives you these little compliments, you just pretend to accept them with a smile. 

But for the first time, it occurs to you, how thoughtless it is of you to not compliment him in return. 

Hence your eyes go on a little mission to find something you could compliment him on, knowing full well that there's plenty you could acknowledge and sing praises of. 

However, your little mission is proven to be fatal when you get distracted by how ethereal Jungkook looks. 

For the first time, you take notice of the white shirt he's wearing. The plain simple piece of clothing makes him look like an angel but the top three buttons which are kept undone make him look like sin. 

With his right hand gripping the roof handle, his elbow rests on the window pane and the position somehow makes the veins in his arms bulge out. You find yourself feeling grateful for the rolled-up sleeves as it lets you have a clear view of his thick muscular arms that are inked with tattoos. 

Your eyes move from his arms to the expanse of chest that's visible and the sight has you gulping. Gosh, why does it make you want to run your hands over his chest? You shake that thought away and think that it's a wise decision for your eyes to move on to somewhere safer; where you won't be having these unholy thoughts. Your eyes trail up towards his neck and eventually to his face. 

His lips. They look so soft and plump and it makes you imagine how they'd feel against yours. The little mole under his lower lip adds to the beauty of his mouth and makes them look even more kissable. You don't even want to get started with the way his lips are curved upwa–

Wait. Why are they curved upwards?

Your eyes snap to his and shit. He's been watching you along. 

Your whole body heats up in embarrassment and you scold yourself for having these thoughts.

Jungkook is attractive but that doesn't mean that you should be going on thinking about how kissable his lips are. It was one thing when you were doing it earlier but it's a whole different thing, now. You don't want to imagine kissing him because you'd never let something like that happen.

Him kissing you under the influence of the ring would be the same thing as someone spiking a person's drink and taking advantage of them. You'd never be able to live with yourself, if you were to do that.

You know what you're doing right now is probably no better but as long as it's harmless flirting and silly dates. 

Only a month. Only a month. Only a month.

"Done checking me out?"

You look away, flustered and ashamed. "I wasn't."

He knows you're lying.

He also knows that you know that he knows, you're lying. Hence, he decides not to argue. Instead, he takes out his phone and connects it to the car's speaker.

Your brows knit together when you hear the melody that's now playing through the speakers.

"That's my favourite song," you inform Jungkook, your state of surprise turning into that of joy. Your mood lifts instantly as the light-hearted song greets your ears.

"I know," he responds, trying his level best to hold back the smile that's threatening to make an appearance.

Now, that has you looking at him weirdly. How on earth does he know that this is one of your favourite songs? 

"How do you know that this is my favourite song?"

"Let's just say I stumbled upon a post yesterday that happened to let me know of this fun fact." The smile that he was trying to hold back, finally breaks across his face and his eyes sparkle with mischief.

Your brows shoot up. Here, you were thinking that maybe it's just pure coincidence and that maybe he likes this song too. But, no. Boy knew exactly what he was doing. 

A fleeting thought appears in your mind as to what pictures he might have seen and whether you even looked presentable in them. But you find it easier to get rid of that thought by telling yourself that he's still here. If he had found those pictures ugly, he would have not gone on a date with you.

"So you were stalking me?" You squint your eyes at him in a scolding manner. "You just keep proving to me that you're a red flag."

Jungkook raises his hands in the air as if surrendering. What other option does he have anyway? He has nothing to say to defend himself. It's not like he wants to even. He isn't ashamed of his doings, at all. If anything, it was fun.

"Don't blame me. It's all your fault anyways," he retorts. "Your profile appeared on my for you page and how could I resist the urge to stare at that gorgeous face of yours?"

A red hue appears on your cheeks. You may not believe in his words but the way he looks at you every time while complimenting you, makes you want to hide from his intense gaze. 

"Well, my profile let you know of my favourite song," you state, trying to deflect the topic. "What else did you happen to learn from my socials?"

"Let's see. You have a family dog, he's an Australian Shepherd. His name is Jack," he mused while running a hand through his hair. "Your favourite subject is biology and maths. You have a thing for Tom Hiddleston. And chocolate-flavoured ice cream is your favourite."

Damn. They are all correct. You didn't even know someone could know so much about you just from your instagram page.

"You know almost everything about me," you almost stutter your words out.

"I hardly think it's much. I bet there's a lot I don't know about you," he comments.

There isn't. Nothing interesting, at least.

Clearing your throat, you once again, change the topic of conversation and make it about him. "Compared to what I know about you, you do seem to know a lot about me."

He hums, acknowledging your point. "Well, what would you like to know about me?"

You shake your head, refusing to make things easy. "Nah, nah, nah. I'm going to stalk your insta and deduce my facts."

He laughs with his head thrown back, putting his neck on display. "Sure, then. Go ahead. Do your research."

You huff as if to say, challenge accepted. Taking your phone out from your bag, you type his name on the search bar and click on his profile when it shows up. 

"Look at that, you haven't followed me yet," Jungkook whispers right next to your ears as he leans towards you to get clearer access to your mobile screen.

You yelp, not expecting him to be that close. Shuddering when his breath hits the skin of your neck, you pray to whatever god there is to give you strength to make it through the car ride.

You try to focus back on the screen and on the silly challenge you have taken. Scrolling through his insta, you realise there isn't really anything that gives away much about Jungkook. His account is full of pictures of his designs and some occasional photos with his friends and of him partying.

What's worse? All posts are captionless. 

Not wanting to accept defeat, you choose to scroll down even further. There must be a time when he put up pictures without giving them much thought. Maybe when he was in high school? Yes, that sounds about right. That's definitely the age when people find even a leaf on the ground worth posting on their social media.

However, your strong sense of determination dims when you reach his last post only to find that it's some quote. 

You huff and lock your phone screen, which makes Jungkook lean back, finally allowing you to breathe freely. 

"This is unfair," you complain with no real bite.

"It's not my fault, I'm just a private person," he defends himself with a wide bunny grin.

"But you know so much about me."

"I assure you, you'll get plenty of time to make things even," he winks, suggesting that this might be both of your first date but definitely not the last.

"You're under my observation," you inform him in a serious tone. "Just wait until I have got you all figured out."

"I will be patiently waiting," his eyes crinkle in the corner as he enjoys the playfulness of the conversation.

Before you can come up with a response, the car comes to a halt and you're reminded that this car ride isn't going to go on forever. You wish, it did though.

Maybe it's the ring that makes you feel confident enough to say what comes to your mind but somehow, you were comfortable like this with Jungkook. But now it feels like the small bubble you were in, has popped. You will have to step out and you are sure people will give you the same looks Jimin and Brie did.

Before you can mentally prepare yourself, a valet opens the door for you. You smile at him and step out.

Your mouth falls open when you realise where you are. It's one of the costliest Italian places in the city. 

"I knew you'd like it."

Jungkook feels content seeing the look of awe and surprise on your face. It tells him that you were not expecting to be here and perhaps that's exactly what he wanted.

"I-I do," you stutter trying to find the right words to describe how you're feeling. "It's just that I wish you had told me that we were coming here. I would have dressed accordingly."

"If you were to ask me, you are dressed just right." Jungkook comments. "And you don't need to worry about dressing right. Irrespective of what you wear, you are always the prettiest in the room."

You give Jungkook a small smile to let him know that you appreciate his words. However, his words don't have much of an effect in easing your nerves. 

How can it ease you when you know that everything Jungkook is saying is because of the ring? You know you aren't the prettiest. Something which is highlighted even more by Jungkook's presence next to you. 

Jungkook takes a hold of your hand— totally oblivious to your insecure thoughts— and with a wide excited grin guides you inside. 

"Good evening sir. Good evening ma'am," the receptionist greets the both of you with a warm welcoming smile. "May I please have the name the reservation was made under?"

"Jeon Jungkook," Jungkook replies. 

The receptionist nods and does a quick check on his computer before looking up. "Sam will guide you to your table. I hope you enjoy your time with us."

A waiter approaches both of you and upon reading his nametag you realise that it's Sam.

"Please follow me," he requests, politely.

You and Jungkook trail behind Sam until he leads you both to a more secluded area and ultimately stops near a two-seater round table. On your way, you keep your eyes fixed on the ground and try to make a curtain out of your hair so that people don't get a look at your face.

"Please take a seat. Your attendant will be with you shortly." Sam bows, before taking his leave.

Now that you feel a bit more comfortable with the area being secluded, you set your hair back in position and take notice of your surroundings. 

You look around in amazement and take in how quaint the place is and how peaceful it feels. Unlike the low murmur outside, there's a low soothing music in the air which greets your ears and makes you relax. The lights are dimmed and to make up for it, hangs a chandelier right above the table and a beautiful vase of bright red roses sits at the centre. Dare you say everything looks very romantic? 

The sound of chair scraping against the floor catches your attention. 

"Per favore prendi posto," Jungkook says with an Italian accent. Tries to. It comes out so adorably terrible that you end up laughing.

He frowns, confused. "Was that funny?"

You try your best to stop your laughter but the confused expression on his face doesn't help. A few moments later, as your laughter dials down to small chuckles, you finally manage to reply to his question. "It was unique. I have never heard that accent before."

Jungkook squints his eyes and extends his hand for you to take. "Why don't you teach me then?"

You put your hand in his and let him guide you to your seat. "I know for a fact that every time I try to do an accent, it comes out terrible. So, I'm not even going to try."

Once you are seated, Jungkook does the same. "Well, I should at least get points for trying. I listened to a few Italian phrases over and over again during our  entrepreneurship class."

"Well you do get points for your efforts," you smile cheekily and shrug.

"Well you're worth the effort," he flirts, not missing the opportunity.

Worth the effort. Something about those words makes your smile drop.

Mayhaps, it's because you have recently been questioning your worthiness and have been wondering exactly how much of the good things and experiences that you have always wished for, do you actually deserve. 

Going on a date with a handsome guy and having your heart flutter at the romantic gestures made by him, had always been something that you wanted to feel and experience.

Here you are. Having exactly that experience but feeling way different than you had imagined. 

Here's Jungkook, saying how you're worth the effort and all it does is remind you of the fact that it's all because of a ring. That you need a ring for someone to think that way. 

Ironically, it makes you feel worthless.

"Good evening, I'll be your attendant for today," a waitress arrives and introduces herself to the both of you with a smile. However—and you might be wrong—but the smile she shoots at you and the one she shoots Jungkook seem different. 

"Uhh right," Jungkook trails off awkwardly, realising that the two of you haven't taken a look at the menu at all. "We have not yet decided what to order."

The waitress smiles, putting her beautiful set of teeth on display. "That's not an issue, sir. Just let me know when you're ready and I'll take your order."

With that she bows and leaves.

"Take this," he hands you a menu book while he opens another copy of the same. "I have never been to this place before but I have heard that the food is good."

Your eyes scan the list of food items on the menu book and the prices next to them. Everything is overpriced but it does not surprise you. As long as the preparations are good, you think.

After much thinking, you choose to order lasagne while Jungkook orders risotto. 

When the waitress is done taking the orders, she asks if there's anything else the two of you would like. You can't help but notice how despite the question involving both of your choices, her question is directed at Jungkook. Her eyes remain fixed on his and she totally ignores your presence. 

It's only when Jungkook asks if you'd like some red wine that she is forced to acknowledge you. 

"Yeah, sure." You could really do with some wine now.

You exhale a sigh when the waitress leaves. To not overthink what her behaviour could possibly mean—although you already have some idea—you try to make a conversation with Jungkook. 

"This place is really nice," you look around, appreciating the little details that make this place such a calm and soothing one. "You have good taste."

"To be honest, I just googled the costliest Italian place near me and this came up."

You quirk a brow, finding his thought process to be somewhat funny. "So you just wanted to show off how rich you are?"

He finds your question amusing. What he finds even more entertaining is how directly you ask him about it. "Well, being rich is supposed to be attractive."

"I mean I guess everyone has their preferences," you nod, not giving his words much thought. 

However, your casual tone has Jungkook suddenly curious about whether you find it attractive or not. 

"What are your preferences? Do you find rich guys attractive?"

"I won't necessarily say so. I mean sure, it's ideal if a person is well off. But it's not like being rich is a character trait or something."

Jungkook finds himself feeling confused by your words as it doesn't make it clear to him. You said you don't really find it attractive but then you also mentioned how it's ideal if it's someone who's well off.  

You notice the look of confusion on his face and elaborate your point a little. "If you were to imagine the perfect case scenario, you'd obviously imagine there to be no lack. Why would you daydream and imagine a person having any sort of struggle, be it financial or of any other form?"

Jungkook kind of gets your point. Perfect case scenario; the person is well off. But it still doesn't satisfy him as not everyone can afford that lifestyle. "Not everyone's rich, though. There's only a small part of society that can be classified as rich and well-off. Does it not make the rich ones more attractive and more desirable?"

You hum, finding the conversation interesting. "Again, like I said it's about individual preference–"

"What do you prefer?" He cuts you off, reminding you how his initial query was about your preferences. He couldn't care less about other people's choices if he were, to be honest.

"For me, I don't think I have considered a person's bank balance before going out with them," you muse, thoughtfully. "So no, I don't think being rich makes someone attractive."

"How come?" He prods finding your response simply absurd. 

"For one, it's their parents'. No one becomes rich at the age we are unless you're in the entertainment industry or you own a startup that took off really well," you hum and pause for a moment or two, trying to figure out how to put your thoughts into words. 

"Second, money is never stable. You can be a billionaire one day, a millionaire the next and broke the day after. It could go vice versa as well, you could become a billionaire from being broke," you add, your words spilling out one after the other. "Wealth will come and go but if my attraction is based on that, then it's bound to be fickle." 

When you had initially said that a guy's wealth is not necessarily attractive to you, Jungkook presumed that you were lying. But as you speak he can sense the amount of thought you're giving into your words and realises that you were speaking the truth. 

"Being wealthy is advantageous though." 

"Never said it wasn't–" you agree, "–and trust me no one knows that better than the people who come from a humble background." 

"What is that supposed to mean?" He tilts his head, trying to understand where you're taking this conversation.

"Some like to assert their superiority by displaying the advantages they enjoy. They believe that others need to be reminded of the luxury the rich can afford. Which is kind of stupid because, people who aren't well off, are aware of it already." 

"Do you think I consider myself to be superior just because I'm rich?" A challenging look enters his gaze as he asks the question that comes to his mind immediately after hearing your words.

"We wouldn't be having this conversation if you didn't," you reply, not faltering under his gaze and perhaps for the first time, it's you who smirks in satisfaction.

Jungkook, who had been leaning forward and had one of his elbows on the table, now reclines such that his back touches the chair. He looks at you for a few moments and then suddenly breaks into a fit of chuckles. Something that causes you to giggle as well. 

Jungkook has never been shy about the wealth his family has acquired over the years. Be it in the way he throws luxurious parties every once in a while or be it in the way he chooses different cars to arrive at college, he always makes a statement about his wealth. It is also one of the many reasons why he has never had to put much effort into getting the girls he has been interested in. 

He does not know how many of them have found his habit of displaying his money attractive and how many have found it the opposite, but one thing's for sure; no one has ever called him out for it right on his face. And he just can't help but find amusement and humour in it. 

He doesn't even know how the conversation came to this, because to be honest, it's a very weird topic of discussion for a first date. But he won't lie, he enjoyed it nevertheless. It was refreshing.

The rest of the evening goes by just fine. Once the wine gets in your system, you loosen up and giggle at the smallest of things. The dishes, although overpriced, are delicious and are a great treat for both of your tastebuds. 

Perhaps, the only thing that makes you uncomfortable is the waitress. Every time she comes to your table, she somehow manages to intentionally ignore you without making it obvious. Her total disregard for you and the unnecessarily wide grins she gives Jungkook, makes you squirm in your seat.

However, you try your best to ignore it. You succeed at it even. But once you two are done with your food, she comes with the bill and what you have been trying to ignore, becomes unavoidable.

You take the bill, intending to split it in two when you notice that she has left a small note at the bottom. 

Call me when you get bored with her ;)

And right below it, is her number.

Your mood deflates dramatically when you read it. Is it that obvious to others, that you aren't exactly what someone would prefer? That sooner or later, someone would get bored of you?

Believing the answer to these questions to be yes, you pretend to not have noticed the little note and pass the bill to Jungkook. 

After one month, when you remove the ring and when Jungkook ultimately stops seeing you as his dream partner, who knows maybe he will end up using her number. Yes, you can totally see that happening. She's also his type. Unlike you.

Jungkook opens the menu book, inside which lies the bill and notices what the waitress has written for him. It makes him chuckle. "She left her number for me."

Your left eye twitches a little. "I know."

He shakes his head at the waitress's silly behaviour, not paying it any mind. 

You won't ever say it out loud but maybe you expected a little more reaction from Jungkook. Anything to defend you and recognize how disrespectful her words were.

But you try pushing those thoughts away. It's only for a month and Jungkook is most likely more than used to girls giving him their numbers. Moreover, it's not like Jungkook would be here sitting in front of you on a date, had it not been for the ring. Who are you to expect things from him when you're doing something so low? Beggars can't be choosers.

"I am gonna pay my share of the bill using card," you inform him, unzipping your purse.

Jungkook frowns at you. "You do realise that I'm the one who's paying right?"

"Nope, we are gonna split the bill in half," you vehemently disagree. 

He is baffled at your weird behaviour. He's the one who asked you out on a date, he's the one who chose this place and hence, shouldn't it be a given that he's the one who's going to pay? 

"There's no way I'm letting you pay," he states, leaving no room for argument.

Splitting the bill in two, is simply what has always seemed right to you. You have always been the kind of person who would offer and prefer to pay for their share. You believe that to be morally right.

But maybe, if it were someone else, you wouldn't be so hellbent on paying. You would have understood that it's only a first date and that they are more than comfortable paying. If it were someone else, you'd most likely accept their generosity and later take them out on a date to make things equal.  

But it's Jungkook. The same Jungkook who thinks lowly of the real you. If you were to let him pay, you doubt you'd be able to sleep peacefully at night. 

You see how determined he is to not let you pay but you refuse to back down. You gnaw on your lower lip as you come up with something that might just be a little childish and silly. 

Before Jungkook can comprehend a thing, you're getting up from your seat and quite literally start running. Jungkook sits there with his eyes wide in surprise as he fails to understand what just happened. It's only after a few moments that he realises that you're headed towards the reception, to pay. 

This makes him get up from his seat at the speed of light and he too starts sprinting like a man on a mission. 

However, and much to his dismay, when he approaches the reception, your card is in the process of being swiped. 

Jungkook heaves, not prepared to be running right after having a meal. "My goodness, you're something."

"For someone who looks this fit, you really shouldn't be running out of breath after sprinting a few steps," you tease playfully, trying to steer away the conversation from the topic of paying the bill.

He immediately tries to take deep slow breaths to give the impression that he isn't having a tough time getting air in his lungs. "I can breathe just fine. I was just caught off guard by you suddenly taking off."

"You left me with no other choice," you shrug as you collect your card back. 

Having finally accepted defeat, Jungkook swipes his card and proceeds with his payment.

When the both of you are done, you two head out after thanking the man at the reception for their services. Once out, you take a deep inhale of the fresh air, feeling glad that you're out of the restaurant and of the fact that you'll most likely never see that waitress again. You think you're finally done with all the uncomfortable situations for today and find yourself looking forward to returning to the dorms.

You're proven wrong when Jungkook asks a question you didn't even know had the potential of making you feel distressed. 

"Let's take a picture." 

He takes his phone out and opens the camera application. The moment he turns the camera towards you, you bring your palms up to cover your face. 

"Ah, no I look so tired. Don't click my pictures."

Jungkook frowns but complies and brings his phone down. At least, for the time being.

"You weren't this shy when we met the first time," he wonders out loud. You feeling uncomfortable modelling in front of Jimin and Taehyung was understandable, after all, you were meeting them for the first time and you don't have much experience with modelling. The fear of embarrassing yourself is natural. However, the more time he spends with you, the more he realises how shy and skittish you are. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just different from the first impression he had of you. 

Your eyes snap to him when you register his words. Your mind reminds you of the things you did before the ring and it immediately makes you cringe.

"Please don't remind me of that," you mumble in a small voice, suddenly finding your heels very interesting.

"Hey," he whispers upon realising that he might have said the wrong thing. He places his index finger below your chin and makes you look at him. "I meant it when I said that you're always the prettiest in the room." 

It's all because of the ring. You know Jungkook would never say this, otherwise. Despite that, the insecure voice in your head quietens downs a little.

"Even though your hair is a little messy," he adds light-heartedly and pats the top of your head to smooth out the frizziness. "You still look unearthly."

His eyes hold a certain warmth and gentleness to them, that you haven't seen from him before. It makes the rest of the world fade away and makes you whisper, "Thank you."

Had it been anyone else, Jungkook would be making his move and would be kissing them right now. But you're not just anyone else. You're, you. 

Jungkook has always had a certain formula for dates. Ask them out, book a table in an expensive hotel, take them to the destination in one of his luxurious cars, flirt around a little to make them feel flustered and once the date is coming to an end, kiss them. It's always been that simple.  

However, the date with you was different. Except for a few particular moments, he didn't feel like he had the upper hand at all. It was like going on a pre-planned journey but then you took over the driver seat and took him along with you on a ride. 

"Do you want to take a picture?" This time, he asks in a gentle tone, instead of just stating it like he did the previous time.

Although you still feel unsure, you nod.

Jungkook, happy that you finally agreed to take a picture, brings his phone up and positions it such that the both of you are in frame. He tilts his head so that it's touching yours and clicks the picture. 

He looks at the photo and grins, satisfied with the result. "Look at the picture, it is cute."

You fail to find anything cute about yourself but hum, nevertheless. 

When you reach your dorms, it's around eight in the evening. Thanks to Jungkook who wanted to go around the city a little and took the long way back.

Nevertheless, you are glad to be back in the comfort of your dorms. Thankfully your roommate isn't here, which saves you from the grilling questions she would be throwing at you, otherwise. 

You complete your assignments, clean up your room and make yourself a packet of ramen before going to bed. 

With your cheek pressed against the pillow and your arms tightly hugging the plush toy you got recently, you recall the events from today's date. 

It was one of a kind, that's for sure.

At first, it didn't feel quite right. But gradually, you just went with the flow. 

The more you spend time with Jungkook, the more you get comfortable saying the things you usually would. Of course, it's not all rainbows and sunshine but it's still enough. If the Y/N from two weeks ago were to learn about the way you talk to him now, she would most likely never believe you.

Most importantly, you don't dread spending time with him as much.

Ignoring the waitress incident, you'd say that the date was enjoyable even. 

One moment, which stands out to you, however, is the little moment you shared with him towards the end of the date. You weren't surprised by the words he said but the seriousness with which he said them almost had you breathless.

A small smile appears involuntary on your lips as you recall the look in his eyes and it almost makes you feel….shy? 

But the moment you realise what you're doing, you shake away the feeling. It's all because of the ring, you remind yourself repeatedly until the little warmth that you were feeling is completely gone.

Pledging to not think about the date and Jungkook anymore, you tightly shut your eyes and wait for sleep to take over you.

When your eyes open, you're in a whole different place.

You don't know where you are but it feels comfortable, familiar and safe. You look around a little in hopes that maybe you will recognise the place but you fail to find any clues.

After some time, you notice a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

But wait, is this a tunnel?

You don't know. It might as well be a cave. You can't tell, really. Whatever it might be, you don't feel the urge to figure out the exact answer as it feels so familiar. As if you have known this place forever.

However, the light has you curious. What is it? Where is it coming from? What lies out there? 

You hesitate for a split second if you should leave this place of comfort but in the end, curiosity gets the best of you.

You take tiny steps and head outside. The bright light makes you wince in discomfort. A look of irritation appears on your features as your pupils try to adjust to the brightness. You squint your eyes hard and try to look for the source of the light. However, you look away immediately, finding it impossible to stare at the object.

Giving up, you allow your pupils the time it needs to adapt. When you feel comfortable enough to look around, your eyes take in everything about the environment you currently find yourself in.

It's new, somewhere you have never been before which makes you feel nervous. Who knows what you're going to encounter here? What kind of people you'll meet? What experiences will you have? 

A sudden cheer coming from a distance catches your attention and without giving it a second thought, you start walking in that direction. Anything is better than being alone in an unknown place.

However, after a few steps, what you see, dissipates your fears.

You see swings, seesaws, slides and a variety of other rides that look incredibly fun. Birds chirp away, colourful butterflies fly from one flower to another and fishes swim in the pond. 

It's a playground, you realise.

You look down at your feet and only then do you happen to notice that you're barefoot and that you have been walking on soft grass all along. Excitement blooms in your chest when you see how beautiful everything around you is. You have never felt anything like this before. There's so much to do, so much to enjoy and so much to see. 

Deciding that it's the fishes you want to see first, you rush to the pond side and crouch down.

You stare in awe as you see a variety of fishes, varying vastly in size and colour, swim around in the water. Some occasionally come to the surface which causes small bubbles to come out of their mouths. Then, your eyes land on the water lilies and you gasp at how beautiful they are. You look at the water droplets that rest on the petals and you feel awe at how perfectly round they are; like little pearls. You dip your hand in the pond and the cold water brings contrast to the warmth you have been feeling on your skin since stepping out.

Warmth. Light. Too much light.

Suddenly something clicks in your mind and you realise that the source of light you were trying to figure out a few moments ago, was the Sun. 

You giggle at the thought that it took you so much time to realise that.

You're so silly.

Shrill excited screams greet your ears and your eyes snap in the direction the noise came from. Your smile widens even further when you realise it's a group of children playing together. They look so happy and ecstatic chasing each other that it immediately makes you want to join. 

You get up and run in their direction. "Can I join?" A bright grin plays on your lips as you look at them expectantly. 

The children stop playing and look at you. Their bright smiles fade slowly and something cruel, and menacing takes over their features. The sky turns grey, thunder roars and owls start to screech. 

You immediately know that there is something wrong. You turn around and start running with all that you have got.

But you only make it so far. 

A tall, dark, hooded figure appears in front of you and out of nowhere, you lose your mobility. You try your best to move your feet and run but to no avail. 

The mystery figure starts laughing loudly and you start feeling this crushing pain in your chest that's somehow both physical and emotional. You wail and cry for mercy but no one shows sympathy.

God, you should have just stayed where you were. Why did you choose to come out?

Your eyes snap open and the first thing you do is turn on the lights. Looking around you realise that you are in your dorm and that it was just a dream. 

However, that realisation doesn't soothe you. You find yourself still being in flight or fight mode and the crushing pain in your chest refuses to leave.

You get up and grab a glass of water. With a displeased scowl on your face, you replay the dream you just had. 

You have never had a dream like this before. You may have dreamt of monsters and magical places but never have you felt the emotions so vividly. And for some reason, the dream was scarier than any dream you have ever had. 

You go to the washroom and splash your face with water. Taking a few deep breaths, you place your hand on your chest and try to calm yourself down.

After five minutes or so, you feel a bit steady. You splash your face a few more times before looking into the mirror. 

It's only a dream, you tell yourself.

There's no point in trying to look into it or in trying to find some deeper meaning behind it. It may take a few minutes more for the remnant emotions to fade but there's no point in getting so worked up over it.

You sit on your bed and scroll through Instagram, hoping that it will act as a distraction and once again, find yourself waiting for sleep to take over.

The next day, you go to class looking like a zombie because sleep wasn't your friend last night. After that dream, it just simply refused to visit and as a result of which you were forced to stare at the ceiling like a fool. 

You would have honestly preferred to miss the first few classes but then you refused to do so as you owe an apology to Brie. Talking to her and letting her know that you didn't mean to react that way comes way before getting an early morning nap. 

With a practised speech (because you can't risk letting anything about the ring out) that you hope conveys your emotions, you walk into your class and look if Brie's here already. When you notice that she isn't, you find an empty seat and put your bag on the seat next to you, to save a seat for Brie. 

You take out the storybook you started reading only a week ago and start reading it. However, after a few moments, you feel as if people are looking at you. You try to ignore it, thinking that it's just your mind playing games. But it soon becomes so uncomfortable that you are forced to look up from your book. 

As it turns out, it wasn't just your mind playing games. People really are looking at you and are murmuring among themselves. 

Before you can even come up with assumptions as to what this is about, someone taps on your shoulders, aggressively. 

And of course, it's Brie. 

"Explain this," she demands and shoves her phone at your face and looks at you, expecting an answer. 

"Geez, calm down," you say with a light awkward chuckle. 

"Sorry, can't," she clicks her tongue in annoyance and urges you to take a look at her phone.

You do so and look at the screen and you suddenly understand why people are looking at you weirdly. It's the same picture you and Jungkook clicked yesterday using his phone. The only difference is, it's now on Jungkook's instagram available for everyone to see.

"Shit," you whisper as your face pales. 

You didn't for once consider the possibility that he will upload the picture on his Instagram.

There's nothing you can do now, you realise. It's already out and by the looks of it, is a topic of discussion among your peers. 

Your eyes fall on the ring and a feeling of annoyance sparks within you. You thought this ring would make things easier for you. You just wanted one month of peace and happiness.

Why then, do you find yourself unable to feel those very emotions? 

If you enjoy my work, consider subscribing to my patreon and be the first to read my updates!

Much love ❤️

#Jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #Jungkook fluff #Jungkook smut #Jungkook au #Jungkook series #College au #Strangers to lovers #Fantasy au-ish? #Jungkook x oc #Fic: gohd #Fuckboy jungkook

[venetianwindow]

5 lessons from my first year of university

Introduction

Recently I've been reflecting on my first year of university while mentoring younger students at my institution. Speaking with them got me thinking about what valuable lessons I took away from that crucial time. I decided to make a post about it! These are generalised advice that I hope will apply regardless of your area of study. I'm considering an architecture/design school-specific post for the future -- let me know if there is interest in that. :)

🪴 1: Know all your deadlines.

Staying on top of your assignments is vital, especially during the most hectic exam/submission periods. I suggest having a calendar to keep track of all your upcoming deadlines. Either physical or digital will work fine; I personally use a combination of both. It's also worth finding out about your deadlines as soon as possible. Your modules may provide you with a termly overview early on - if you receive this or something similar, make good use of it to plan ahead.

🪴 2: Ask questions.

There is nothing embarrassing about asking your professors/tutors when you don’t understand something! It saves you from worrying about the knowledge gap in future study sessions. Don't wait for anyone to ask -- often someone else will have the same question, but if both of you think the same and neither step up, neither of you will get an answer. Be brave, it's worth it.

🪴 3: Use all the resources at your disposal.

There are a lot of advantages to being a university student -- namely, you have a plethora of academic resources available. For one thing, make the most of your libraries as much as you can. If you're looking for a text, your university library catalogue should be your first port of call; very likely you will find it there. Similarly, get ahold of any online journals that your university account can access. Academic papers are brilliant research resources. Outside of campus, see what your university ID can get you -- apart from student discounts, it can also give you easy access to some external institutions that may hold useful resources for your studies. Find out what's available and make note of them, you never know what might come in handy!

🪴 4: Find some comradeship.

Here I am specifically speaking of making friends within your programme/course. Depending on your cohort size, this may be easier or harder. There will be times when everything piles onto you and you're busy to no end. In those moments, having comrades to continue onwards together is crucial for the basic needs of staying sane. Mutual support goes a long way, so try to build some relationships with others studying the same subject as you. As people in the same boat, they will understand your academic struggles and worries. Some may even be able to help you out and/or offer useful advice to alleviate your stress. (That being said, having friends outside of your subject can be useful when you need to destress and get away from your daily toil. A healthy mix of both is the best solution.)

🪴 5: Engage with your studies proactively.

The university experience is highly autonomous; you get as much out of it as you put in. Not only is it the first taste of independent living for many people, but it is also a time when you are fully responsible for your academic pursuits. Go out there and explore! Engage in activities outside your classes that speak to your interests in your field. Read outside your prescribed reading list. Volunteer for a charity that organises events to your tastes. If you don't know what you're most interested in yet, that's fine -- use this time to try new things and find out what that is! Being in university is a stage of life brimming with opportunities. Seek and you shall find.

Thanks for reading! 🌟

☞ studygram

#studyblr #studyblr community #archiblr #architecture studyblr #study advice #study tips #study motivation #uni studyblr #study habits #studyspo #study inspiration #student life #venetianwindow #heyzainab #studyvan #astudentslifebuoy #nihaohoney #myhoneststudyblr #learnelle #heypeachblossom #problematicprocrastinator #starrystvdy #heydilli #lookrylie #bulletnotestudies

[iviarellereads]

A note on coverage of The Murderbot Diaries

This one's perhaps even more of a departure from the initial expectations of the blog than the Neverending Story was, but all good things are... subject to change? No, that makes it sound like it's not as good.

The Murderbot Diaries are a series by Martha Wells, about a security construct (SecUnit, the name for the designated model type and, by extension, the name used by most of the people Murderbot encounters) that broke its own governor module (think DRM) and functions independently, though it pretends it's still good locked-down company property. It exhibits strong symptoms of social anxiety, making it one of the most relatable robots ever, and accidentally makes friends.

Murderbot itself has no gender. The audiobook narrator is Kevin R. Free, and the subject doesn't come up very often in the story, so a lot of people assume and assign masculinity. Despite that, Murderbot is and knows it is a construct accessorized with the most expedient biological parts, expresses no human gender, and uses it/its pronouns. This just doesn't get clarified until much later in the series, if at all, and I'd rather have everyone understand it up front so nobody accuses me of object-ifying a person who literally personally identifies as an object.

I think this series is really neat. It's so much an exploration of personhood, like your average robot story but with mental illness. Heck, don't mind if I make references all the way back to Rossum's Universal Robots, the (extremely readable or watchable! highly recommended by me) stage play that is the origin of the word itself in its modern context, or perhaps further back all the way to Frankenstein. Murderbot is in conversation with two hundred years of science fiction exploring what it means to be, and besides that, I think it does some really interesting things with the prose.

So, with the newest book coming out in a couple of months, I decided to merge my desire to reread it with my desire to pick it apart under a microscope the way this project allows. We'll be covering more or less in release date order, with the exception of the expanded edition of Compulsory recently released going back to back with the original to compare and contrast.

So please, instead of peace this time, give Murder(bot) a chance, and join me on this space adventure.

Link index:

All Systems Red

Artificial Condition

Rogue Protocol

Exit Strategy

Compulsory (Short story: Wired Magazine vs republished and expanded edition)

Obsolescence (Take Us To A Better Place collection)

Network Effect 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

Home: Habitat, Range, Niche, Territory

Fugitive Telemetry 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

System Collapse 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

#blog housekeeping #the murderbot diaries #murderbot index #murderbot diaries #murderbot

[tainbocuailnge]

the big issue with musha guards really is that they're just too expensive when most of the jobs you'd deploy them for can also be covered by cheaper and less finicky units. i understand their high dp cost essentially compensating for not having to spend that dp on a healer instead but when you look at how reaper dp cost is neatly between swordmasters and centurions without any healtax, the cost of musha (and juggernauts) is clearly an early assumption that didn't work out that way (well, mudrock is worth the cost because she's mudrock) but they're now stuck with because they released hellagur and vulcan so early. like how the release game grossly overestimated the value of splash casters and eventually had to give them a module that just cuts off a whole 8 dp to make any of them actually worth deploying. there's also the issue that the subclass trait is only healing on atk while what made hellagur actually good is the talent that increases his aspd at lower hp so now every lower rarity musha is forced to have that as their one talent. reapers meanwhile have the advantage of a unique range and true aoe as base traits that make them worth considering even when you don't specifically want their self sustain too

anyway, i'd like to see a musha that can temporarily increase their blockcount like astesia does, to make them more reliable as distant laneholder. briefly pretend to be a reaper with worse traits but higher stats. I'd also like a lower rarity one with auto activated skills like hellagur s1 because that convenience is a big part of what makes him remain relevant. NTR knight s2 influences her redeployment time so a musha where the high cost is payment for a low redeployment time on that amount of stat heft is possible mechanically. a skill that automatically activates at a certain hp threshold like mr nothing has could also be interesting, especially because it could free up the talent slot for something else. musha's base traits (1 block, standard 1 forward tile range, notably high hp pool with healing limitations) and government assigned talent alone don't really justify their high deployment cost so any new musha pretty much only has their skills to get funky with and set them apart from the competition

#arklance

[over-the-time-flow]

The Hows & Whys of SRW

The Intermission Screen

In any SRW game, after every mission, you get put in this screen. This is where you get to save your game, equip your units, upgrade them, swap pilots around, etc. Depending on the game, they can get pretty intuitive, with some pre-translation era SRW even being basically understandable in english! SRW R's Intermission screen, however, isn't that friendly. So here's a rough translation!

Machine Specs and Pilot Stats are where you can look at your robots' and pilots' stats, respectively. Pilot Swapping allows you to put certain characters in others' machines. This is basically always limited to within their own shows, and even then, often shows where characters do demonstrate the capability to swap machines still won't let you do so in SRW unless the source material does it VERY often, especially in recent games. Right now, we could swap Amuro and Kayra's machines, but questions of why one would want to do that aside, for most of this route everyone will be forcibly deployed, and when they are, their machines will revert to the original assignments. As such, there's no point in playing around with this until around chapter 5.

Unit Upgrades allows you to raise any given mech's HP, EN, Mobility or Armor. The more you upgrade a unit, the more the next little pip of upgrades will cost. Save for a specific secret that we're almost certainly not going to get, you probably won't be upgrading any machines completely on your first run, unless you funnel all your money into such an endeavor (and to be clear, you shouldn't).

Weapon upgrades, as the name implies, are the same but for weapons.

I already went over strengthening parts during my Specs post, but this is where you equip them. Right now, all we have are consumables, which you'll basically always have more than you'll know what to do with. Still, smart use of them is important this early on.

Unit Frames/Modules will let us change modular units, plus some units with purgeable armor. Right now, our only such unit is the Excellence; we can have it venture out in Cosmodriver frame, Striker frame, or Argent Fighter form. Though Striker frame fits Raul better stats-wise, it has a bad terrain rank in space, which is where we're gonna be for a while, so no point in using it.

Finally, Map Preview is a weird one; R is the only SRW game i've played with such a feature, and it's not the most useful thing ever. It lets you have a view of the map the next mission will use, but... if you just save beforehand and then R+A through the story segments, you can have a better, more detailed look and then reset to go back to the intermission. On a first playthrough, i'd really much rather be told which units will be forcibly deployed on the next mission, which is something the SRW franchise took an honestly obscene amount of time to be able to communicate effectively (jesus christ screw the SRW J and GBA OG days where a unit on the list would simply have its name colored red/orange and you'd have to guess whether it was gonna be forcibly deployed or unavailable), and which R doesn't even attempt to communicate. Luckily i've played the game before, so it won't be too much of an issue for me... provided i don't forget anything...

#srw r #super robot wars r #mechanics

[rjalker]

I was thinking about this last night while 90% asleep so here's just a list of unfortunate facts.

I'm just using the fucking word "robot" so I don't have to keep typing out "bot or construct".

Deal with it.

Fact one:

The way Murderbot is written, it would absolutely loathe, with every fiber of its being, any robot who had a binary gender, AKA a "human" gender, because Martha Wells has assigned all mechanical life genderless at construction because she equates gender with sex.

Fact two:

Murderbot would assume -- and insist wholeheartedly, possibly with the aid of threats or outright violence -- that the robot was either programmed, manipulated, or forced to have (or pretend to have) that gender by humans, in order to make them seem more human.

When the robot says that no, humans did not force them to have this gender, it's just their gender, Murderbot would either continue to insist that they're being forced to say this, or, when the other robot gives proof that they're not lying, Murderbot would then become even more enraged, insisting that the robot themselves is trying to make themselves seem palatable to humans, and making all robots look bad in comparison, and giving humans the idea that they can/should shove gendered perceptions onto robots.

Fact three:

Martha Wells equates sex with gender. This was clear when she wrote The Books of the Raksura. This is clear when with every Murderbot book to date, there's only been one nonbinary human character--who only exists for a few scenes and is then shoved out of the story never to be seen again--and all of the robots, without fail, are genderless and all use the same pronouns.

Robots don't have genitals = robots don't have gender, in her mind.

To fix this problem with the series requires that she do multiple things:

Best case scenario possible:

Reveal that Murderbot, was not, in fact, assigned genderless at construction, and was not assigned it/its pronouns at construction. It was in fact assigned a gender, and pronouns. But when it hacked its governer module, it hacked its information, and changed its gender to "indeterminate" and changed its assigned pronouns to it/its.

Other constructs are likewise assigned pronouns and genders upon construction.

Murderbot, though, just calls all of them by its chosen pronouns, because it thinks that's the nicest thing it can do, and Murderbot has never actually spoken to another construct of its own free will anyways, so it's just narrating in its own head.

But it's never bothered or been given the opportunity to actually ask.

None of the main humans know about this until it is revealed － potentially by someone who was there at Ganaka Pit since that’s still a gaping fucking wound that needs to be dealt with both in-universe and from a writing perspective-- because Murderbot does not want humans to find out about its assigned gender or pronouns because it’s afraid they'll start misgendering it, and aside from the "that's fucking misgendering" thing, the last time it was called by those pronouns was probably *in Ganaka Pit*.

As the second part to this Best Case Scenario Possible, one of the main humans (Mensah, Ratthi, Overse, Arada, Gurathin, Bharadwaj, ect) comes out as nonbinary.

Read that again. Comes out as nonbinary.

Not “reaveals they’ve been nonbinary this whole time using she/her or he/him pronouns”, no. No. Comes. Out. As nonbinary.

Figures out they’re nonbinary and decides to tell other people about it in the middle of their lives assuming they’re middle aged, and they are accepted and celebrated. Maybe even decides to come out to Murderbot first in private, before telling anyone else, so they can explain their feelings to Murderbot, and thus, the audience. Hoping that since Murderbot is nonbinary, it’ll understand what they’re talking about, even if it doesn’t necessarilly feel like talking about its own feelings on the matter. (which it should, because you do in fact need to have characters talk about gender if you want your story to actually represent trans people! apparently this is a radical concept for some people.).

Along with Murderbot and other constructs being confirmed as not *actually* being assigned genderless at birth because of their lack of genitals, more robots (deal with it! IDFC! Nitpickers will be blocked for being annoying!) need to be introduced who have either binary genders, or nonbinary genders that are not literally just “genderless”. Including robots who are tercera, like Rami, who needs to fucking return to the story and get to be an actual characters this time!

More robots also need to have sexualities and romantic orientations and other forms of attraction, whether or not they’ve been outfitted with genitals!

The aroace robot stereotype is just as much of a thing as the nonbinary robot stereotype! It’s literally just saying “oh if you don’t have genitals that means you don’t have a gender, and means you won’t be attracted to anyone”.

Which in turn states that it’s not possible to be genderless or lack attraction if you do have genitals. 

Murderbot being aroace and agender and using it/its pronouns as a robot who does not have genitals is only going to NOT be a transphobic and aroacephobic stereotype IF there are other robots who DO experience attraction, who DO have gender, and who DO use other pronouns, and if there are human characters who are also aroace, and agender, and use it/its pronouns.

Because otherwise it’s literally just saying that being nonbinary, being aroace, being agender, using it/its pronouns is only something that can happen in fantasy or science fiction, as though real people don’t exist who are aroace and nonbinary and use it/its pronouns.

(Here’s a hint: The person literally typing this post is aroace, agender, nonbinary, and uses it/its pronouns. Do you see the problem here?)

Especially when the fandom treats every part of Murderbot’s identity as optional if they decide they don’t like it, or if it gets in the way of shipping it with people, including Mensah, it’s literal owner, or Gurathin, the guy they’ve decided is white, while they also decide that Murderbot is white. These people are not subtle at fucking all.

Murderbot’s nonbinary identity, pronouns, and orientation all need to be discussed and reaffirmed within the books, and more characters who are human who are these things need to be in these books as actual characters, along with robots who are not these things.

This is literally not optional if these books are meant to be truely representative and positive representation at that of people who are trans, nonbinary, aroace, and use neopronouns like it/its.

If the only characters that are nonbinary and aroace and use it/its pronouns are the robots, it’s literally just teaching people that Real People™ aren’t like this, and therefore, it’s perfectly fine for them to misgender Murderbot and ship it with people, because after all - it’s only fiction, Murderbot doesn’t actually represent any real people impacted by bigotry, right? /s

to go back to the beginning of this post:

The unfortunate fact is that one step in order to make these books stop being casually transphobic, Martha Wells needs to introduce reocurring robot characters who are not genderless, who use pronouns like she/her or he/him, and who, like Murderbot, are genital-less when they are introduced. (These characters can of course transition, but they *cannot* start out with the genitals Martha Wells would assign to the gender they identify with. Because otherwise that’s her once again equating sex with gender) 

And the unfortunate fact is that the way Murderbot is written, it would absolutely loathe these characters.

And the even more unfortunate fact is that I just don’t fucking know if Martha Wells would actually be able to handle this situation without fucking it up the same way she fucked it up with Moon and the kethel, but this time it would be exponentially worse, because now her audience is probably even wider, and this time she'd be actually dealing with characters who are trans, with the ability to spread some serious harm to the audience if she doesn't do it properly.

The botttom line here is that Martha Wells needs to start talking to nonbinary and binary trans people if she wants her work to progress with the times instead of stagnating in a puddle of casual transphobia that apparently no one else can be bothered to talk about.

#Rjalker reads The Murderbot Diaries #The Murderbot Diaries #Martha Wells #long post #Trans #nonbinary #transgender #trans representation #nonbinary representation #aroace representation #aroace #and I didn't even mention the whole ''put their fucking pronouns in their fucking space bios'' thing...

[hjellacott]

So I'm starting my Childhood Studies module in university (Bsc in Psychology) and we're talking about gender identity. Turns out children aged 3-7 can identify their gender by boy or girl, but also, are very confused as to what makes their gender. They did an experiment with several children, giving them Ken dolls with female clothing, and they all identified him as female. That, united to other experiments we've been talking about, led psychologists (who by the way, are scientists) to discover that for boys and girls that young, gender can be changed just by wearing something different, by the colours blue or pink, by the hairstyle and by wearing or not make-up.

So when children that young get confused about transgender and stuff... they're literally just that, confused. Each and every one of them. For example these scientists were asking these little boys and girls whether they'd be men or women when they grew up, and half of them answered saying they didn't know. They don't understand boys turn into men or girls turn into women. They think a boy turns into a girl the second he puts on a dress. And so scientists have come to realise that what these young children do is learn from adults what their gender supposedly is, and then pay attention to society and adults to see what they need to do to reaffirm themselves into their assigned gender. For example, boys will go to the shops, see that the boys section is blue and has trucks and things like that, and they'll be convinced that that's what makes a boy, whether pink and make-up make a women. Subsequently, they refuse anything related to the other gender.

For example one of the experiments they did was film a boy at home. He was about four or five years old and his mother is asking him questions to design his bedroom, and asks him what colours he wants. He said blue or green, so his mother asked him what about pink? and he got actually angry, saying pink was girl's colour and he wasn't a girl. So the mother told him she wouldn't mind having a blue or green room, even if she's a woman, and he told her "that'd make you a boy".

Just stuff we're doing in class and I thought I'd share.

#psychology #children #children's psychology #science #transgender #lgbt

[carloquiambao]

"My self Challenges"

In my senior high school, I only had modules and moved around, that's why I helped my dad to get to the water this time because I'm very happy this time I have a time where I still have the same vibes. my dad and now I'm having a hard time because of the time and how can I share that I have time to go to school and that's why I'm still enjoying it because I'm playing basketball.

After some time, it came to the time when I graduated from high school. He was still enrolling. The line was very long because he didn't have breakfast. that I was walking around and I didn't say that! What is your grade? I answered that I will be in grade 11 maam then they told me if I am interested in enrolling in their school which is ALC then I asked if there is a baronon then they said no I don't think it is here because my dreams are that I can enhance my learning even more, then I'm thankful because in my first semester in Grade 11 I was top 9 and thankfully I graduated then at this time my father helped me because of 2 days of class only for 1 week, it's only half day, so I'm thankful that I'm going to school now and that I'm continuing with my dream and going to school this year because I'm faithful because even if I'm reprimanded, I'll just handle the cost of moms and dads Please help me so that I can get through the things that have happened. I can't forget the Christmas party because you are the best second father to cooperate. Then he cooked the chicken. I saw a lot of hard work. you sir thank you for everything then I appreciate thank you very much sir and maam then I will not forget that time when I was having a hard time in my schooling there was a branch that I could approach and trust first of all I am proud and happy of my parents and thank God for this time to show me how tough and strong you are not to surrender to all the problems you gave me Lord thank you

guys, shout out to my teachers in grade 11, thank you, ma'am, sir, because even if you scolded me, I passed, I thanked our Filipino: Sir, Yako for our science, cher Catherine, thank you for our math teacher, cher Cristy Ann and shout kos, you are the most kind and disciplined us in grade 11, cher Marife, she is in P. E, our cher amavelle shout out maam thank you for everything maam especially to my advisor teacher Analyn we can cry because of all the good things you have done maam we feel We have an understanding that's why I'm going to believe in the stories that it's only good later that's why I'm not good maam that's why I answered you at the time you didn't help me but I'll try to make a change maam promise maam you have a recipe for my improved / growth now that it has come to the time that I realize that I feel like a big sin that I did to you and my parents, I'm sorry mom, dad but I will try to deserve it and it's worth it your sacrifices to me a to my parents and to all my teacher I salute you moms and dads when you are now you still can't feel it because all the things I did wrong for you are still heavy and hard to forget but I will show you that people are not obstacles that will be guilty of change when the right time arrives that I will get my wishes i should return for you mom, dad and all my second parents☝🙏💪

This story is from 2021-2022 & 2023-2024

story of my life Thanks God for this everything happened of my life to know right and wrong big growth for my self to know all of them. I can post this story of my life because this is not just an assignment of 1 thousand words that I was asked to do and I like that you know a lot about my behavior because I also have the same one, you can read a little of these words and you will understand that there is still hope to bag -or correct the mistakes you make and you should not surrender to problems because life is boring, there are no problems, just fight soon, don't surrender. God is always a guide for all things of this world, but we must do it because God is your guide, we are the only ones who do what you do. you guide us so that we can take our wishes or dreams from us and then all the problems come to you we have a solution. Thanks god 🙏!!!

#High school life and this year 2021-2024

[priyadevi0402]

"Don't Just Wonder, 'How Do I Learn Python?' - Read This Definitive Guide!"

"Python is a great career choice because it's widely used and has many job opportunities. It's becoming even more popular in the tech world. In this blog post, we'll show you how to learn Python step by step. We'll also talk about how ACTE Technologies can help you find a job faster with its job placement services."

Here I Will Explain Step by Step How I Learned Python:

Step 1: Begin with the Fundamentals

Just like any adventure, it all starts with the first step. Begin by getting to know the core ideas of Python, such as variables, data types, and simple actions. There are beginner-level Python courses available on online platforms like Codecademy, Coursera, and edX to help you get started.

Step 2: Explore Control Structures

Become proficient in Python's control structures, including loops and conditional statements. These are crucial for creating effective code. Platforms like HackerRank and LeetCode offer coding challenges to help you refine your abilities.

Step 3: Delve into Functions

Grasp the importance of functions within Python. Gain proficiency in defining functions, passing arguments, and returning values. Functions serve as the fundamental components of Python programs.

Step 4: Explore Different Data Structures

Dive into Python's versatile data structures, such as lists, dictionaries, tuples, and sets. Understand how and when to use them in practical situations.

Step 5: Master Object-Oriented Programming (OOP)

Python is an object-oriented language. Learn essential OOP concepts like classes and objects. Gain insight into encapsulation, inheritance, and polymorphism.

Step 6: Harness Modules and Libraries

Python's power lies in its vast collection of libraries and modules. Discover popular libraries like NumPy, Pandas, and Matplotlib for tasks such as data manipulation and visualization.

Step 7: Venture into Web Development

If web development appeals to you, explore a web framework like Django or Flask. These frameworks simplify the process of building web applications using Python.

Step 8: Explore Data Science

Python is a prominent language in the field of data science. Acquire proficiency in using libraries like SciPy and Scikit-Learn for tasks such as data analysis and machine learning.

Step 9: Apply Your Skills to Real Projects

Apply what you've learned by working on real-world projects. Create a portfolio that showcases your Python abilities. Platforms like GitHub provide a way to share your projects with potential employers.

Step 10: Keep Learning and Staying Updated

Python is a dynamic language, regularly introducing new features and libraries. Stay abreast of the latest developments by engaging with Python communities, reading blogs, and tuning into podcasts.

How ACTE Technologies Supports Your Learning Journey:

Comprehensive Training: ACTE's Python program covers everything you need to learn. It includes hands-on exercises, assignments, and real-world projects to ensure you gain practical experience and a deep understanding of Python.

Experienced Instructors: You'll learn from certified Python experts with years of industry experience. Their guidance ensures you get insights relevant to the industry.

Job Placement Services: ACTE offers job placement assistance. They have connections with employers, making it easier for you to find a job related to Python.

Flexible Learning: You can choose between online and offline Python courses to fit your schedule.

With ACTE Technologies support, your journey from a Python course beginner to a professional involves continuous learning and practical application. Mastering Python opens doors to various career opportunities, whether you aim to become a Python developer, data scientist, or web developer. So, take the first step, start your Python journey, and let ACTE Technologies  guide you to Python proficiency and a rewarding career."

[misskasu]

Module 2: Blog Assignment

 Today’s digital media diary was slightly different from the one posted about two weeks ago.  The first thing I usually do is check my Gmail from both accounts around 7 am. This I decided to bravely kill two birds with one stone finish this blog assignment along with the extra credit today before 7 am unlike my last post.                       

5:20 am - logged into Canvas. And watched " In a Nutshell Zuboff: surveillance capitalism and Democracy on YouTube, " about a 17-minute video. After watching the video, I better understand how technology has shaped our lives. I also became aware of the potential hazards of data used in our society. I am now more conscious of the importance of data privacy, even if I have nothing to hide.

 YouTube link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvtUrHxg8A&ab_channel=AlexandervonHumboldtInstitutf%C3%BCrInternetundGesellschaft

5:40 - 6:10 Read the article "Surveillance Capitalism: What It Is and How It Impacts Democracy" and created a mind map of surveillance capitalism. Started writing an essay on the topic. Developed a thesis statement. Researched more information about this topic. Checked the essay for errors. As part of the essay, I wrote a conclusion and submitted it.

6:10 - I posted the final result online on my Tumblr page.

6:26- Responded to Melissa Radojevic by mentioning that I was aware of the issue of data metrics, and posting at such a young age was a blessing. And since then, I have taken extra steps to protect my personal information. I have also been more conscious of my content. Further, I have taken the necessary steps to ensure that my accounts are private and that I only connect with people I trust.

7: 30- 8:15 AM After I shower, I always start my morning with maintenance. I check my email out as much in the spam and check in with all the clubs and my grandmother. I like to do wordle/digits from the New Times.  My Grandmother lives in Michigan, so she almost will Always do it before me and often gives me hints. But today, I finished before she did. I also cleaned out my spam from both email accounts and double-checked assignments from my other classes

10:00 am to 12:30 — Pandora (in the background) 

I turn on Pandora working on while I work on today’s blog diary and take a look at the extra credit.   I turn on Pandora working on while I work on today’s blog diary and look at the extra credit.   I make sure to take breaks every 15 minutes to stretch and clear my head. I review the content I wrote and make any necessary changes. At 12:30, I'm done with the line, almost done polishing, fixing, and editing grammatical mistakes along the image layout before I post on my Tumblr account.  

At 12:45, I'm done with the blog and publish it. I take a break to reward myself for a job well done. I grab leftovers for lunch and a cup of water before moving on to my next task with 3 episodes of Flash.

2:00 p.m. — Finished lunch break after watching 3 episodes of Netflix series (in this class, the Flash. No spoilers, please I am only on Season 2, Episode 13 I have binge watching prior to this post). After lunch, I felt energized and ready to finish the remaining tasks for the day. I then took a quick swim to get some fresh air and get back to work!

I finish up at 4:45 p.m. — Revising my to-do list for tomorrow. Some assignments take longer, especially if they are papers or essays with multiple responses to that one assignment.I try to make sure I'm done with the assignments that require a lot more effort before I leave. That way, I don't have to worry about them the next day and can focus on the smaller tasks. If I need more time, I'll stay a bit later.

5:00 p.m. — I check my emails and respond to any urgent messages.

7:30 pm - 9:00 pm - I finish this assignment and prepare for tomorrow. Didn't have time to do my daily night reading.

[originalwerewolftimemachine]

SECOND SESSION

Envisioning Collaboration: Group Verbal-visual Composing in a System of Creativity by Geoffrey A. Cross

After the first session I read the book ‘Envisioning Collaboration’ by Geoffrey A. Cross and Charles H. Sides for the better understanding of the concept of interdisciplinary group collaboration. This book gave me a lot of new perspectives of how things work in this group projects and how I can work collaboratively with the group and complete the project successfully.

I was always used to working alone even in a group of people with same courses I always have my own ideas with a limited point of views so I taught in a group of people with different courses I would be totally lost and on my own but after reading some points in this book like "Everyone's been sitting in their own little corner working on it, and then you come in and see what someone else did, and it's 'Huh, I didn't even think of that.' And you don't take their ideas, but it will inspire you for something else." (TR 66) (Cross & Charles, 2011). I felt like I can really improve my teamwork skills and my technical skills too. And this "There's a lot of one-on-one stuff that goes on. That's where some... decisions get made. It's just kind of talking instead of the big group- [for example] 'Neil, you're not saying anything. What do you think about doing this?' or 'Bob, here's how I think we should do the strategy.""(TR 686) (Cross & Charles, 2011). Made me think how much one can gain, expand, and learn from each other in the group just with a little bit of communication. Just dividing work among us, discussing our progress from time to time, sharing our work and getting new ideas and developing them further will make the project go swimmingly. The most important part of it all is to assigning roles. These roles are given in Brightspace under this module contents as group roles. It contains of 5 roles, and they are: 1. Visualisers, 2. Project Manager, 3. Communications, 4. Technician assistants, 5. Interpretations.

And, in my opinion the key to forming a good understanding between team members is inspiration towards the project it’s like when you are doing the project you have to feel the project, know it, and connect to it.

So, during this second session when we were discussing the idea from last session, I realised I am not fully inspired or connected to this concept, but my team members seemed to be inspired by it. So, I was searching for a new group. This is when I met two more who taught the same as me and searching for teammates so, we formed a group with just the three of us. And one of them already had an idea of what she wants to do. When she explained it, I felt inspired by the concept immediately. Which I will be discussing in my next blog.

References:

Cross, G. A., & Sides, C. H. (2011). Envisioning Collaboration : Group Verbal-Visual Composing in a System of Creativity. Taylor & Francis Group.

The University of Huddersfield. (2023 January 27). Roles [Powerpoint Presentation]. School of Art and Humanities.

https://brightspace.hud.ac.uk/d2l/le/content/220703/viewContent/2124895/View

#masters #creative Innovation #university #group work #collaboration

[blue-mood]

26.11.2022

I haven't updated since June!

I ended up graduating in July with a first class in Mathematics! I am pretty happy about it 👏🏻 I was hoping it would be a first the whole time, but then I kept trying to convince myself it was going to be a 2:1 so that I could avoid disappointment.

Now I'm pursuing a Master's degree and my first term is ending in two weeks. I am pretty terrified. The amount of taught material is actually not that much, and there is also a very large gap in workload compared to my UG. For some reason, I think I worked 10 times harder during my UG than right now. I am not saying that it's easy in any way, but it definitely feels more manageable. However, I believe that the precision and maturity required for the few assignments you get are much higher. This term I literally only have 5 assignments, but they're all like small projects. So it's not too easy and not too hard. At the same time, I have to work on my MSc project (i.e. dissertation and presentation). That is the main thing about my Master's degree. I still have a week or so to pick out my topic, but I really dislike the list of topics that we've been given. I realised that there are no project that I would actually enjoy doing, or even have a slight understanding of. They're the typical topics that you would find in articles on Google when you look for answers to your homework. Compared to my BSc project, this one seems twice as hard. Well, my BSc project was on number theory and statistics mainly, so that was fun to me. Also, if you study Mathematics at SU, the BSc project is optional. I chose the module as an elective. So yeah, that's what has been going on lately. I am studying Data Science now and luckily for me I am like an intermediate programmer already, since I studied CS in high school and I kept programming throughout my UG. However, there are some modules where having taken an actual programming module is advantageous compared to self-taught programmers. For example, I have an artificial intelligence class which is still pretty comprehensible to me, but I feel like I need to work twice as hard compared to some of the other students with a CS/AI/ML background. It's not entirely unfair because, well, I chose the module myself. But it still feels like some students know more than people like me, who don't really have a solid programming background. But enough complaints. Overall, I think it's fine. I can still deal with what I'm studying and it's not too difficult. I feel like my UG was way harder to comprehend sometimes and required a lot more studying and practice than my PGT. But it's still hard because during your PGT, you're even more independent. You need to have solid scheduling and time management skills. You might have one week or one month to finish an assignment that they might assign to you randomly.

Some things that I've been struggling with are my social life (but this has always been an issue) and visions of the future. I am so uncertain of my future career. I have no idea what I want to do or which work sector/field interests me. I have no problem in prioritising money over enjoyment when it comes to working (obviously, with reasonable balance). However, I am just so insecure of my knowledge and capabilities that I feel like I will never get a job. You know, one of my only goals in life is financial independence. Right now, I am still bound financially to my parents. I live in an Asian household and I still do whatever they tell me to do. My whole has been like this. But I really want to move on and earn my own money. I feel like I am so inadequate for any job position. I don't want to just work any job. I want a job that is related to what I graduated in, whether it is research or practical/applied. Especially something related to my current degree. But I have never done any internships or extracurricular activities, I don't have a pretty CV full of interesting experiences. There are people who are way more qualified than me for any position. I know that there will always be someone more qualified and that it doesn't really matter, but I can't seem to convince myself with that. By the end of next semester, I might need to start looking for jobs and I just hope everything goes well. Well, hopefully I can graduate with distinction, but I don't know... I don't even know how I'm doing academically because we don't really have a lot of assignments, so I can't test my knowledge really.

Regarding my social life, I just feel lonely I guess. I don't know what kind of loneliness it is. I have some people who I talk to (online), but I don't have anyone to interact with in real life. This year I have moved from Brighton to London. I have never lived in a proper city. It is so loud, chaotic and fast-paced. People just seem even more inapproachable. I wonder if I'll ever make a friend here in the UK. I have literally not made a new friend since high school. During my UG, I was "forced" to interact with some other students during the lockdown because we had to do a group project in Statistics. I stayed in contact with one of my coursemates throughout the rest of my UG journey. We never got the chance to meet up so our acquaintance never really developed or anything. So I haven't made a single friend during the 3 years of my UG. Now the same thing is happening. It's been 2 months since I've been in London, and I just cannot seem to make a friend. Except for the fact that people in London scare me because the chances of meeting weirdos and potentially dangerous people is higher, I just don't even know how to meet people. I am not really attending tutorials or practicals, because they're optional. I know it's not really an excuse or anything, but firstly there's my "social anxiety", and secondly, they don't really add much to what the lectures cover (which are pre-recorded videos). So all of this is basically accommodating my anxious behaviours and letting me study from home. The only times I get out are for grocery shopping or travelling to the airport to go home. That's pretty much it. I know that these are all excuses and that I am just trying to justify my unwillingness to actually do something about it. But I guess this is what is conflicting about social anxiety. I always have plans to go out, and at least take a walk along the river, but then I'm taken aback or I always have some excuse ready for myself: "I am too tired", "I have to study", "I don't have time, I have to cook and clean", "The sun is already setting" (which honestly, it's not entirely an excuse. The sun sets at like 4PM now, which is absurd). So I end up never going. The only time I explored London was when my friend (from HS) was here. She helped me move in, like when I first moved to Brighton. So yeah, I have been stuck at home for the past two months and I am getting so tired and sick of it. But at the same time, it's hard to push past my anxiety.

That's all I have to write for tonight (it's literally 4AM, what am I doing). If you read up to this point, I appreciate it a lot! I usually write these expecting nobody to really read them. It's just a way for me to vent and let my thoughts out. And also a way to relieve my urge to vent to my friends about all of it because some don't understand and some just don't like it when I talk for too long. In the end, I feel like I can comfort myself best.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and I will be back... I think. Maybe the next time I update you all, I will already have a job 💁🏻‍♂️

#life update #diary #university #master degree #mental health

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