#and i feel more sad bc i know my gma and dad will be ruined by this

[depresseddepot]

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#this is the second time someone in my family has died and my main concern is 'when will the funeral be so i can take time off work' #is grief the emotion u feel towards the person who died?? bc like. im not feeling it #i feel a washed out version of it #like there's some memory or thought i havent had yet that REALLY makes me feel it #is this. normal. or?? #bc last time it was an uncle i never saw but this time its my grandpa #like. he was shitty and i didnt like him very much but i also saw him a lot #and i feel more sad bc i know my gma and dad will be ruined by this #and not so much. that he's dead. #like. is this something i should be concerned about?? #i cant tell if this is actually something im experiencing or if im like #trying to force myself into grief to relieve some of the guilt i have over not feeling it #like all im thinking is 'what will my family think when i dont cry at the funeral' #and im starting to notice that all of the times ive actually felt grief has been when a pet died #which is fine like pets are a part of my family they aren't just animals we keep for fun #but. when my dog beanie died i was like. distraught #idk im seeing symptoms everywhere and my paranoia is getting worse #i can't do anything anymore without feeling my phone camera or my laptop camera on me #i cant tell if this is just denial or if my own brain is in the process of tricking itself into a depressive episode #so that way id at least feel SOME kind of sad abt this #idk #there's a term i remember learning in psych abt the feeling of dissociation in place of certain emotions but idk what it is