#and i go to stay with my boyfriend literally next week for an indefinite amount of time but i dont wanna go if i'll be feeling like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thenightisland · 7 years

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explanations/updates under the cut

i haven’t been able to maintain much in the way of interaction with most of the people i care about, also haven’t been able to do much more than get out of bed every day because it’s one thing to be depressed and another to have just had such a goddamn terrible few months that there’s no way your antidepressants can keep up with all the awful

i already had several weeks without my second in command because she’s cursed and had to have another surgery. our unit lost two of our main techs (for new people inexplicably reading this, i charge a locked acute psychiatric ward, and losing techs is a /massive/ loss). the admin demons have been instituting various new things that have been having terrible effects on the units which i won’t get into because that would be a really really long explanation with a lot of jargon in it. one of the things though is the fact that the “do not readmit” list has been low key thrown out the window, so all the pts who were on that list /with good fucking reason/ are of course, now coming back, and spoiler alert they’re just as terrible still.

this one bookstore closed which sounds stupid as fuck but that place was the closest thing i had to a church and it literally kept me alive when i was in high school like i say that completely without exaggeration so it closing was the equivalent of someone hacking off one of my limbs because it was still the main place i went to when i was upset and wanted to feel less miserable and i don’t have it anymore and you wouldn’t believe how hard it is like imagine if your church got demolished or whatever you believe in like it destroyed me and i feel unmoored i don’t have that safe space feeling now because it’s gone

meanwhile the person i spent seven years of my life in love with had a baby with the boyfriend she described as Guy Karen, named me godmother of their firstborn son, and unknowingly made his middle name the pen name i’ve used for a decade because fucking of course this might as well fucking happen too. but i have other romantic bullshit going on now that’s honestly fucking me up worse.

also somehow i still can’t escape a little life like it has haunted me every waking moment since march 2016 and i hate how much i am like the protagonist and it’s kind of fucking with me??????

a fucking garbage man bashed off the side mirror on my car which i still haven’t had the fucking time to get fixed that was great

spent my whole vacation anxious having panic attacks like what is the point in having a long vacation if you’re going to be constantly stressed over nothing like goddammit can’t i just have this

within the last month and a half five people i know have died. three of them were our patients which like doesn’t sound like a thing that would cause that much distress, but due to the nature of our unit, we’re the only family a lot of our career patients have most of our pts are homeless, schizophrenic, intellectually disabled, just plain unwanted people of varying illnesses, like we literally look after the people no one else wants so when we hear one of Our Patients has died it fucks us up so badly. and it’s even worse because it’s not like they died in their sleep or something all of them have been post-discharge suicides like our work already feels like a revolving door exercise in futility because that’s the nature of the field unfortunately but it still hurts like i spend forty hours or more a week with these people i literally see them than i see my friends and family our patients are mostly so close to us that like when the day shift charge nurse came back from maternity leave, pt who had been there when she was pregnant who were there again were asking about how the baby was doing so three of our pts killing themselves in the last month in a half is soul crushing

then the closest thing i had to a friend in nursing school, well, she died too. out of the fucking blue, out of nowhere. she was a 28 year old healthy woman with two young daughters. she worked so hard for her and her girls she went to nursing school to build a better life for them and she genuinely wanted to be a nurse meanwhile i originally got into it for the money like she only got to live her dream working in L&D for two and a half years. and then she was on vacation in florida with her girls who were doing like a cheerleading camp. and she just. went to sleep and never woke up. and i still don’t know what killed her no one has posted it on facebook, and unfortunately, all the people who might know are the people that i cut out of my life because the rest of our class was a toxic mess so i can’t very well be like heyyyyy so i know i deleted you years ago and all but what killed linda? so still no closure. i just hope to god her girls didn’t find their mother dead. like it wrecked me.

i also say that every time i come back from a vacation something awful happens like when i came back from boston/nyc i discovered i was the only nurse left on my shift and when i came back from st louis last fall my dog died a very traumatizing [for me] death, so when i came back from dc i was like hmm what next.

well, another fucking person died is what next. /one of my coworkers/ my alpha tech from my original 11-7 team one of the people who has literally saved my life and kept so many people from getting hurt this is someone i saw five days a week for the last two and a half years of my life. he was already going through a lot because him and his wife split, so he was staying at a friend’s house, a friend who happened to be an NP for one of the psych docs, and the NP’s sister who works as an internal medicine assistant. and then on cinco de mayo we got word that his car had flipped and killed him. and a lot of people attributed it to a classic cinco drunk driving fatality but it gets worse because of course it does because lol it wasn’t /his/ car that flipped. it was the NP’s sports car. and apparently, the NP was driving, and the sister was following. the sister and NP were off the grid for a couple days and then the sister came back to work, but the NP has been taken off the on call list “indefinitely” so not only is one of our team members dead, but he is probably dead from a /drunk driving vehicular homicide done by another team member/ because apparently the world was like fuck our unit specifically.

then i got to spend several days being targeted by a pt who was a behavioral case [aka they’re not actually mentally ill, they’ve learned to play the system to avoid going to jail, basically] and that involved her being in seclusion for seven goddamn hours and her literally endlessly threatening to kill me for days to the point that i was confined to our walled in nurses station because she was you know trying to kill me and just constantly standing on the other side of the glass throwing around some of the worst verbal abuse i’ve ever experienced like i’m already exhausted and fatigued and miserable can’t you shut the fuck up i need to find some kind of meaning in my job because it’s all i have and you’re making it very hard for me to feel like i’ve done any good for anyone

all of this built up nicely into a good old fashioned nervous breakdown to the point that i had to call in sick because lol turns out that that is a lot of fucking shit to deal with in the span of a month and a half and emotionally things are only going to get harder from here this year for a variety of personal reasons that suffice to say have literally kept me up at night and upset me enough that i even had some nightmares break through the medication because i’m seeing so many of my friends find their happiness and i hate that i can’t feel that happy for them because i’m so tired and when the fuck will it be my turn i don’t want to resent my friends’ happiness and successes i’m just fucking exhausted and would really like for some good goddamn things to start happening here any time now i’ve been under so much stress i’m just a human version of the song running on empty at this point it’s all too much and i still can’t write i’m still stuck in the same hell from a manuscript i wrote nearly four years ago all i’ve been able to write is Coping Poetry to keep from going off the deep end and honestly everything in my life just feels completely out of control and i’m just tired of so many bad things happening in such a short amount of time like i can handle my own emotional problems until you dump all this other fucking nightmare fuel on top of them then it’s too much

so for the unfinished ao3 wip i’m sorry for the sheet music requests i’m sorry for the unanswered messages i’m sorry i’m safe i’m not in any danger of hurting myself or anything but i’m overwhelmed and i barely have the energy to get through all the shit that’s been happening lately so i can’t even promise when my interactions with anyone will be back to normal especially given my already awful skill at withdrawing from the people who care about me because i don’t want to bring them down any so just. tolerate the queue’s work. if you see me posting more but not answering you it’s not you it’s me i just cannot manage even talking to more than like three people max right now hence the until further notice psa you’ve seen at the top of my blog

the worst part is that there’s actually /more/ but it’s also three in the morning and i have to work tomorrow so here’s the highlights turns out averaging one death a week takes a toll on a person who’s already isolated and exhausted

hopefully at some point, things won’t suck as much and i can go back to being regular me. till then, apologies, and enjoy the queue

#karen's adventures in trying to sort her life out #you know if i pull that tag out that it's bad tbh #it's long but it Explains #i should be asleep

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jollyroget-blog · 6 years

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I gave myself permission to be sad about turnig 30 from november onward...but it is the end of october and i know im allowed to be sad soon, so while i havent sunken into a complete dysfunctional alcoholic level of depression just yet, i can feel it on the horizon and its not going to be pretty. I mean I am going to be pretty as I will make sure to always have a full face of makeup ( in case I decide to casually step in front of the train so I can go down with my eyeliner done since lord knows the chicks at the morgue wont do it right.) and im gonna try to lose as much weight as i can so that i can at least comfort myself by being thin...anyway what i mean is that it will not be pretty because I will probably cry a lot and stay i bed most of the time (with lipstick on) cus like why go out? I made myself shomer negia whats the point? This is the worst part because its easily the healthiest thing that i have ever done for myself, but also, have you ever had a birthday where you knew for a fact, and i meant a FACT, that you will not get laid? Not even kissed. Not even a boob touch unless its by accident. And even if it is, whoever it is will be like “oops sorry was that your boob?”....and even IF actually they wouldnt cus no one ever notices when they bump into my boob. So im just gettng old. Alone. No sex. No makeout. I havnt seen a penis in months and lord knows when the next time will be. I very nicely asked god for a husband in every which way i had been told to do so. Its not that he hasnt given me options its just that... no thank you. To everything. Im trying not to be mad but honestly im a little miffed about it. So the fact that the day is drawer nearer and nearer that i can hear his voice loud and clear saying “nope. sorry kid, prayer rejected. youll have to wait an indefinite amount of time. Possibly till your ovaries are autistic and no longer functioning.”. Not that id mind having an autistic kid. I mean ill probably have one anyway it runs in my family. Im not on the spectrum though. They tested me. Turns out im just weird and socially retarded on a regular level as a person who just does not understand the rules of society for regular nongenetic reasons. So my lovely amazing wonderful friends keep asking what i want for my birthday and i am not trying to be difficult. The fact is just that what i want is to not be turning thirty and a to have someone to take home and play with. Even just the prospect of it. Yes i do realize obviously this is up to me as far as the person to play with thing. Im not gonna do it i mean im settled in my decision and it would be a shame to break. That and the fact that i know myself and ill just be more depressed after .And it wont be good sex cus the first time is almost never good and i mean my virginity may have grown back and maybe i have forgotten how. So im not gonna waste my cheat day and probably a weeks worth or crippling depression on probably bad sex that i probably wont even remember as i plan to be drunnnkkkkk. So fine. December is coming and there isnt shit i can do about it. I did make it out of bed today. tried to listen to some music to cheer up but it just made me more sad. Tried to dress modestly today and thought i had pulled it off untill the breeze on the side of my nipple reminded me that side boob is never modest no matter how many cardigans you put over it, I tried to focus at work and throw myself into my job to take my mind off of the imaginary things making me sad, but i am not one of those people who knows how to do that. Like my heart hurts, I can barely even speak let alone sit still and read and focus and make phone calls.Oh did i mention that the boy has a girlfriend? So i mean shes not a real girlfriend. I can tell. Or id be on the floor still. okay yes i know it was my decision and i do recall (ish) how many times give or take that i broke up with him. Its just a big fat door closing in my face that i wasnt ready to see close. Like i can obviously never go to blaze again. and why dont i get a boyfriend? Why does he? He has literally no life goals.Anyway ...where was i? I dont know. anyway im sad.

the end.

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