#and i guess im just tired of being a fucking clown
Note
hello!I have a question about your alpha troll iceberg.
When did kurloz sexually assault meulin?I cannot find the source for it on my own.
I’m also a little skeptical since:
1.kurloz feels some form of guilt for deafening meulin.Not as much guilt as he shows,considering how he technically breaks his oath of silence by using his purpleblood magic
2.he isn’t openly sexual other than getting the codpiece,which I view as him following any orders from gamzee and/or lord English.And also his game sprite may have a bulge to it?im not sure about my second point
3.i don’t know why he would do that because he doesn’t abuse meulin that way.In openbound 2,he treats meulin more as an easy pawn to assist him in his malicious plans to help lord english & gamzee rather than sexually assaulting her to ruin her and then manipulating her.
I’m really curious to know when this happened,since it would reframe his already atrocious actions as even worse
Also I have a bias since I have a weird attachment to kurloz for no canon compliant reason.
Hopefully this isn’t too long…it probably is but I hope 8]
I applaud the thoroughness, actually, and thank you for reaching out. I love when people ask me to Cite My Sources, so to speak.
It's in one of the Signing portions of their interactions, so I do not necessarily blame you for missing it.
This is clearly non-consensual touching that is being framed as Upsetting on Meulin's end and Deliberately Creepy on Kurloz's.
I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Well, I feel bad about it, obviously, assault is literally always bad, but I really cannot decipher Kurloz as a character. Not fully, really, 'cuz he doesn't have much of one. To me, this reads as a pure, unadulterated Makara Moment, and I'm frankly just kind of tired of it.
Kurloz's character is just a nebulous haze of Plot Instigation and Racism. Gamzee's character is also just a nebulous haze of Plot Instigation and Racism. These are both characters who are coded as Black, who are portrayed as being very dominating, abusive, and physically + sexually violent - especially Gamzee. Kurloz doing this is weird, but it's not... Shocking, I guess.
His relationship with Meulin is absolutely, uh... Troubled... To put it nicely... What, with him manipulating her into a cult and mind controlling her into doing his bidding all the time, on top of this assault, the Bullshit Clown Magic having the side effects of Confusion, Brain Fog, and Memory Loss, and her still seeming to have some kind of suppressed attraction to him... It's complicated. I think it could be genuinely very fascinating to explore, if one has the stomach for it. And a deft enough hand... And is capable of handling it all with maximum sensitivity. It's verging on something really good... But it falls kind of flat, and it's fucking exhausting that we're having this same damn conversation with another fucking Makara.
This could be done extremely well. There's some genuinely solid grounds here for exploring a very complex, very visceral abusive relationship, kind of like what was going on with Gamzee and Terezi, but... There was both just not enough time to set that up fully, and also I am so tired of Makaras being Like That.
I wish I could say this was surprising. I really do. It's not, though.
It's like... On par with Gamzee being kind of a Necrophile. I just have to sigh and throw my hands up and accept it. Like, god dammit, okay, I guess we're doing this today! Sure! Whatever! Fuck my life.
#homestuck#homestuck meta#homestuck analysis#alpha trolls#beforan trolls#dancestors#kurloz makara#meulin leijon#cw assault#cw abuse#cw racism#kurloz.pdf#meulin.pdf#nekro.pdf#nekro.sms#icebergposting
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🐺 Being MSBY's Manager 🐺
Being Atsumu's Crush and Pregnant
Atsumu Miya with/MSBY x Female Pregnant Manager
Warnings: reader is pregnant, swearing, angst to fluff, toxic behavior from YN (drinking to cope, unsafe sex), description of birth (dramatized for funsies)
AN: This was a suggestion from kitty 😺 anon!!! Its based off my MSBY Group Chat, Team Disappointment!
🦋 please like, comment and share to support my art 🦋
Ok I'm wasting zero time getting into this one
Because it's about to be LONG
We have 9 whole months to cover people 👏🏻
At this point, just consider it a short story in bullet point format 🤣
Enter Miss YN LN, manager of the division 1 team the MSBY Black Jackels 🙌🏻
I love that for you 🥰
You are so loved and adored by all your boys and they support you so much 🥺
However there's one team member that you have an extra special relationship with
One, Atsumu Miya ❤️
I know, shocking right?
But there's always been something about Atsumu
You two just get along really well
He teases you, you throw a volleyball at him 🥰
We love a strong relationship
It wasn't long before you developed a crush on Atsumu
But you learned quickly that Atsumu didn't feel the same way about you 😕
Or at least you thought 🙃
Sakusa was the first to notice your infatuation with Atsumu
He's amazing about observing and noticed how your eyes lingered on our favorite setter
Sorry Oikawa 😶
But you are too nervous to say anything
You go a while thinking you might have a chance with Atsumu
Until you overhear him talking with Bokuto and Hinata
"YN is a real catch right? Any guy would be lucky to date her!"- Bokuto, our hype king
"Yeah I guess. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like YN but she's just not my type"- Atsumu 🤡
It's a hard pill to swallow 😔
Hearing that is a total bruise to your ego
The tears start to well as you turn around to leave, seeing Sakusa standing right behind you
Great now your all embarrashed 😫
"YN are you ok?"- Sakusa, concerned
You smile "Yeah I'm good. I just- I gotta go clean up"- you quickly making your exit past Sakusa and the rest of the team
"What was that about?"- Meian, looking at Sakusa
Sakusa narrows his eyes and turns to leave
It's not his business to share and he doesn't want to say anything
However, what you don't know is that Atsumu is full of CRAP 💩
This man is in such denial that the girl who has become his best friend is also perfect for him
Fucking clown behavior istg 🙄
Atsumu is having such conflicted feelings for you and he has no idea what to do
He's never had turmoil like this before people 👏🏻
Unfortunately for him, things start heading south
You start to pull away from him at practice and he has no idea why
You still talk with him but its not the same
"Hey YN, you wanna hang out this weekend?"- Atsumu
"I'm sorry Sumu, I can't! Im going out with friends but thanks"- You, running back to practice
Atsumu is confused because you always made time for him
However what Atsumu doesn't know is that his "rejection" of you caused a downward spiral
Every weekend you've been going out, dancing with friends and drinking excessively
When you'd drink, the pain of your one-sided attraction to Atsumu went away
You were the center of many guys affections and ended up going home with several of them
Atsumu began to talk with you less and less, noticing you pulling away
Sakusa and the team watched as you two, once good friends became practical strangers
"Anyone feel weird when Atsumu and YN are on the court together?"- Inunaki
"Yeah, it's like being in the room with two divorced parents"- Thomas adds
Sakusa knows exactly what's happening and he wrestles with telling the truth or letting it go
Ultimately he sides with keeping it quiet
Please he still feels like it's nOnE oF hIs BuSiNeSs
A few weeks pass and tournament season kicks into gear
You've been forced to settle down with your wild nights because of your new rigorous schedule
Not to mention how tired you've been
Your body seems more worn down than usual and you figured you were just getting sick from all the extra practices
One morning you woke up, and your breasts were extremely sore
Like tender to the touch sore
"Geez ouch- I can't even wear my normal bra"- you say to yourself as you slowly dress
You honestly didn't pay any mind to the soreness, figuring you pulled a muscle in your chest for the previous practice
So you pop a few Tylenol and head to the gym
You enter the office as Meian and Barnes are sitting and talking
"Hey YN"- they say as a sudden wave of nausea hits you
Your eyes widen as the smell of coffee hits you and you sprint from the office to the bathroom, throwing up
Barnes and Meian take after you quickly
"Jesus YN are you ok?"- Barnes says knocking on the bathroom door
"Yeah YN, what the hell? You sick? Why are you here!?"- Meian
"YN's sick! "- Bokuto 😱
"Stay away from me YN. It's still flu season"- Sakusa
Please they are all so supportive 🤣
"I'm not sick! I don't know what came over me"- you say as you stand up, flushing the toilet and going to the sink
You wash your hands and begin to process what's been going on
Your exhausted, your breasts ache and you got sick off the smell of coffee?
How strange 🙃
Well it's a good thing there is a well placed tampon/pad machine right by the door to the bathroom to remind you of one teeny tiny thing
Your face pales as you look at the machine, mentally trying to calculate when your last cycle was
You feel sick and hot as you splash water on your face and try to figure out what to do
Good thing you have the most supportive team 😍
"YN ARE YOU FEELING BETTER YET? ATSUMU ISNT HELPING ME WITH MY SPIKING DRILLS AND I NEED YOU!"- Hinata crying through the door
"HINATA LEAVE YN ALONE!"- Meian screaming
Please you need to be alone and think about this
Probably after you buy a test 😅
You figure your best bet is to attend morning practice and run to the store on your lunch break while the guys head home to rest
"I'm coming"- you say, trying to shove all thoughts of being pregnant out of your mind
The morning drags on as lunch finally hits
The guys leave and you run to the nearest pharmacy, quickly running 🏃♀️ back to the bathroom of the gym
You read the instructions, as you mentally thank yourself for consuming extra water during practice
You pee on the stick and wait
Now, having taken multiple pregnancy tests in my life, I can say that 3-5 minite wait is arguably the scariest wait of someone's life 😅
It's a life changing thing YN!
You pace as you await the results, trying not to freak out
"Ok ok YN calm down! You don't even know if you're pregnant or not. This could all just be a giant fever dream. Or maybe your period is just really really late! Yeah that happens all the time"- you trying to talk yourself down from the cliff 😅
The timer on your phone goes off as you slowly approach the test...
You peer over, seeing a giant "Pregnant" on the screen
Your body gives out as you fall to the floor and sit there is shock
Ok but me when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 😆
Luckily or unluckily there seems to be a team member who hasn't yet left for home 🙃
Atsumu is walking by the girls locker room when he hears something fall
He stops, listens and knocks, slowly opening the door to make sure no one is in need to help
By this point, you're full on sobbing
He opens the door, seeing you on the floor, eyes wide and tears streaming down your face
"Yn! Omg are you ok?? What happened?"- Atsumu now running to you, falling besides you as he check you over
"Atsumu-" you say crying
Atsumu looks at your hand, seeing the test there
He picks it up, seeing the "pregnant" that brought you to your knees
"Where did you get this yn? Geez I knew you were an empath but YN this is a bit too far don't you think?"- Atsumu
Like I said 👉🏻 🤡
You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁 Atsumu it's mine...
It takes him a few seconds to process
Man goes through the 5 stages of grief
"No no- it- it cant"- Atsumu, in full denial
"Atsumu I'm pregnant"- you say, crying
"How YN??"- Atsumu
You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁 seriously...
"I know how YN but like HOW"- Atsumu
"I- I don't know! I thought I was being careful"- you, embarrassed now
"Jesus YN, is this why you've been pulling away from me?"- Atsumu says sitting next to you
Your head snaps to him
He noticed you'd been pulling away?
As much as you want to tell him, you feel like it will only add more to an already complicated situation
So you decide to keep quiet
"Yeah I- I didn't want to bother you"- you
"YN you're not a bother. Please I want to help" Atsumu says
"I don't want your pity Atsumu"- you say as you wipe your tears
"Shut up YN! It's not pity! You're my best friend and I care alot about you!"- Atsumu
You just stare at him, still crying
"Ok let's just think about this YN. Do you know what you want to do??"- Atsumu, jumping into adulting mode
"I think I should call the doctor"- you, wiping your tears
"Ok let's do it now"- Atsumu standing up
"Now- but Atsumu"- you
"No buts YN let's get going"- Atsumu says pulling out his phone and dialing
Please, assertive men 🥵
You just stand there as Atsumu talks to the receptionist
Atsumu tells the receptionist your birthday and name
"Yn they have an opening tomorrow afternoon is that good?"- Atsumu, putting his hand over the speaker
You 👉🏻👁👄👁 yeah-
Honestly shocked by Atsumu assertiveness and protectiveness
"We will take it! See you tomorrow"- Atsumu, hanging up
"Atsumu what are you doing?"- You
"If you think Im letting you do this alone YN, you're wrong"- Atsumu
Your heart swells as Atsumu smiles at you, hugging you tightly
He hasn't let the full situation sink in yet but don't worry, it will happen soon enough 🙃
You manager to get through afternoon practice and the next morning practice before you head to your appointment
Except you don't head there alone
Oh no no
Atsumu is right by your side
"Atsumu you don't have to-" you say, as Atsumu opens the door for you
"YN- enough! I told you I'm here for you"- Atsumu, grabbing your hand and pulling you into the clinic
In the clinic, Atsumu acts like a nervous father 😅
Honestly we love him for that
"Atsumu chill out, I'm the pregnant one"- You
"I know- I know but like I'm worried"- Atsumu pacing as the doctor comes in the checks you over
You get an ultrasound to check for due dates
And now, for moms educational time 🙌🏻
So sometimes, a person will have an ultrasound done to check on the fetus
And this ultrasound might be a probe ultrasound, which is done vaginally
Yes, it can be uncomfortable but it's sometimes easier to see the fetus this way and get a more accurate gestational age
I'm not doctor or nurse, this is just my own personal experience from having been pregnant 3 times
So let's just say that's what you do
Atsumu is still in the room when the doctor goes to perform this ultrasound
His face goes from 😐 to 😳 to 😱 real quick
"Whoa whoa you have to do that!"- Atsumu says interrupting the doctor, standing right by your wide open legs
"Atsumu, please"- You
"Sir I promise, your wife will be fine"- the doctor says, reassuring Atsumu
"Oh he's not-"
"I'm just worried about her that's all"- Atsumu says walking up to you, grabbing your hand and smiling
The fact that he didn't correct the doctor is both reassuring and confusing 🙁
You are already in a super emotional state and this isn't helping
"Well it's looks like you are 8 weeks YN and if you look here, you'll see what your body is working so hard for"- the doctor says, turning the screen to show you the fetus
It hits you all at once as your situation sets in
You're pregnant, actually pregnant
And you have no idea who the father is
You sit and stare at the screen as Atsumu stares with you
Except Atsumu is so amazed and in complete shock
Please he's so excited 🥰
The doctor prints you a picture as you clean up and get an updated folder of appointments and a book to read
You walk out with Atsumu, not speaking as you head towards your car
"YN, hey are you ok?"- Atsumu
"No- no im not ok"- you say quietly as the tears start to form
"Hey come here"- Atsumu says pulling you into his embrace as you sob loudly
"Atsumu, I- I'm scared to do this on my own"- you confess
"Don't you want to let guy know you're pregnant?"- Atsumu
Atsumu can't help but feel a little jealous
He never expressed his feelings to you
Heck his feelings didn't really make sense until just recently
You dodge the question and huddle closer as Atsumu holds you
"Hey yn- shhh you aren't going to be alone!"- Atsumu says rubbing your back
"What about the team? What about my job? Oh my god Atsumu"- you sobbing
Please those hormones can hit HARD
"Hey hey now! I'm here for you YN! I care about you and you're my best friend"- Atsumu
Please it pains him to say "best friend" but he basically friend zoned himself 💅🏼
"You- you really mean that?"- you 🥺
"Of course! And trust me, Meian and the team would rather go without a manager than see you go YN. I promise, we can tell them together"- Atsumu
You smile as you hug him and kiss his cheek
Please he melts from that act alone 😭
The next day, you walk into practice nervous
Atsumu is waiting for you at the door as he grabs your hand and leads you in
Immediately, when you enter the gym, all eyes land on you
"Ok what's wrong?"- Meian, sighing as he crosses his arm over his broad chest 🥵
You 👉🏻👁👄👁 seriously!!!
"It's just weird that you and Atsumu are acting so close when you've all but ignored each other for months"- Sakusa
"Yeah we are just a bit skeptical"- Inunaki
"Just spit it out already"- Barnes
"I'm Pregnant" "YN's Pregant!" - you and Atsumu say at the same time
The guys 👉🏻😐😳😲
"Atsumu you idiot! You knocked YN up!!"- Barnes yelling
"What the hell dude?? We talked about condoms!"- Meian
"I love how YN isn't getting lectured"- Sakusa 🤔
"She should know better too! Jesus christ!"- Inunaki
Please their overreaction isn't helping
You start to tear up and sniffle as your embarrassment sets in
"Hey! Knock it off you guys"- Thomas coming up to you
Atsumu hugs you as you continue to sniffle
Meian puts his fingers on the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath
"We're sorry YN. This is just shocking"- Meian
"It's ok. But please, it's not Atsumu's fault"- You, protecting Atsumu
Bokuto and Hinata 👉🏻🤨🤨
"YN you do realize how a baby is made right?"- Bokuto
"Oh dear god"- Sakusa, walking away
"Yes Ko, remember I'm the one who taught you"- you 🙄
"She's saying I'm not the father guys"- Atsumu says calmly
Everyone stops and stares at you
Please where do they go from here 😅 this is so awkward
So leave it to us to blaze a trail
"I havent contacted the father yet. I- I'm pretty much on my own"- you explaining it gently
"YN say less, we are not here to judge"- Inunaki, his hand up stopping you 🤚🏻
"Yeah YN, we are only here to support you"- Barnes
"Have you decided what you plan to do YN?"- Meian
Atsumu stands next to you holding your hip and squeezing lightly
"I want to keep it. But I also want to stay your manager..."- You, whispering and trying not to cry again
"YN of course you can stay on!! We could never replace you"- Meian
"Really?"- you, now crying happy tears instead of sad ones
"Omg YN you are crying so much and I'm not sure whether it's happy or sad tears"- Hinata, panicking 😰
"It's happy tears Sho"- you say as you hug him tight
Atsumu is so happy and smiling bright as the team and you embrace
A month goes by things are progressing
"Good morning YN, little YN"- Meian says rubbing your belly as he walks by
First off, he asked and you said it was fine 🙂 always ask a pregnant person if you can touch them please!
Ask anyone if you can touch them... consent 👏🏻
Secondly, your bump has become a bit of a good luck charm for our boys
Inunaki swears it's the reason they are on a winning streak
Last week they beat EJP and this week they managed to win against the Adlers
Hinata and Bokuto come bounding at you as you brace for impact
But their force is stopped by a brick wall in the form of Atsumu 🧱
"What did I tell you two about jumping on YN?? She's growing a little YN!"- Atsumu 😡
Please he's so protective 😫
Sakusa walks up to you and pulls you into a side hug, whispering in your ear
"Hes got it so bad for you YN"- Sakusa, strolling away leaving you confused
Sure Atsumu has been attentive and very caring the last few weeks
He's taken to driving you places, making sure you have something to eat and taking you to appointments
He's stepped in as a friend and your biggest supporter
Too bad it's become more confusing than it was at first
Atsumu acts super protective of you and so loving
But then why did he say you weren't his type?
Maybe he's just being nice? Maybe he's caring for you as a friend would?
That must be it
You shove Omi's comments about Atsumu down as you proceed with your day
The weeks go by and soon your 20 weeks
Yay for half way through with your pregnancy 🙌🏻
You've been through alot these past few weeks and it's been entails and emotionally exhausting
You hadn't told anyone but you contacted as many of the guys you slept with as you could
None of them showed any interest in being a father, nor did they want anything to do with you 😔
It's was a big hit to your ego and your emotions
You spent the weekend crying and dodging all Atsumu's attempts to hang out
Claiming you were too sick
It honestly worried Atsumu who wanted to make sure you were OK
Mans was willing to drive to your place at 11 pm to take you to the urgent care if needed YN 👏🏻
But you just wanted to be alone and process everything
You never felt so alone and it was honestly so scary
Despite all the love and support you received from the team, it wasn't the same
You managed to hide your sadness from the team and soon it was time for your twenty week ultrasound
Atsumu asked to come with you and of course you said yes 🥰
It felt so nice to have someone with you, supporting you even if it was just as a friend
"Ok YN, would you like to know the babies sex?"- the ultrasound tech says
"Yes please"- you say, watching the screen as the tech moves the probe around your stomach
"Looks like a baby girl to me"- she exclaims as you begin to cry, tears flooding your eyes as Atsumu stands up, kissing your forehead, his tears mixing with yours
Please supportive Atsumu 😭😭😭
Guys I can't 🥺
The next day, you walk into the gym only to be bombarded by the team
"It's a girl right?"- Bokuto says as Meian pushes him back
"Knock it off Bokuto, we all know it's a boy"- Meian says smirking
"What? So you can tell what the baby is just by looking at YN?"- Barnes 🤨
"I told you it's captain intuition! I'm in tune with my team"- Meian say proudly
"Well you need to retune Shugu because the baby is a girl!"- you say as Bokuto and Hinata jump up and down, celebrating with you
Inunaki, Thomas and Barnes all laugh at Meian as he glares back
"Ok ok- fine I was wrong! But everything is good right YN?"- Meian
"Yep! She's perfect!"- you say, smiling as Atsumu puts his hand on your belly and kisses your forehead
Sakusa looks at you both questioningly
"Alright let's get changed for practice! YN do you got everything?"- Meian says
"Yes captain"- you say rolling your eyes as you take your jacket off, revealing your MSBY shirt covering your now growing bump
"Don't lift anything YN"- Barnes says
"Thomas and I will do the nets YN"- Inunaki says
"And I'll get the towels"- Bokuto chimes in
"Guys I'm fine!! You can help with the nets and carrying the water but I'm still capable!"- you throwing your hand in the air as you walk away
The guys all move the the locker rooms, a permanent smile stuck on Atsumu's face
"You look happy dude"- Hinata says
"I am! YN and I have become really close again. It's nice!"- Atsumu
"So you only plan to be her friend?"- Sakusa
Please he's held out as long as he could 😅
"What are you talking about?"- Atsumu
Hinata, Bokuto, Meian, Inunaki, Barnes and Thomas are all like 👀👀👀👀
Nosey bitches
They will purposely change slowly just because 🤚🏻
Sakusa sighs, he really doesn't want to say anything but he also knows your in a fragile state and he doesn't want you to get hurt
"Listen Sumu-"
Oh shit he's broken out the nickname 😱
"A few months ago, YN heard what you said about her not being your type-"
Atsumu's face pales, Sakusa continues
"I think it really got to her man. Listen, I knew she liked you but I didn't want to interfere. Maybe I should have but I didn't know she was going out and doing what she was doing"- Sakusa
Atsumu states at Sakusa in shock, sitting down on the bench, all the color now gone from his face
"What was she doing Kiyoomi?"- Meian interjects
Sakusa sighs and continues
"She was going out with her friends, getting drunk and going home with different guys. Listen I don't want to speculate but hasn't anyone wondered why YN has mentioned the baby's dad?"- Sakusa
"I mean I just figured he didn't want to be involved"- Thomas
"Are you saying that YN doesn't know who the father is?"- Barnes says sitting down
Sakusa nods and looks at Atsumu who is sitting quietly
"Holy shit-" Hinata says
"Sakusa, what the hell man? Why are you bringing this up now?"- Meian says
"YN is really fragile right now and I don't want her or you getting hurt. I know you care alot about her but-"
"I want to be with her Kiyoomi"- Atsumu interjects
The room quiets as Atsumu looks up to see his teammates gaping at him
"Dude are you-" Thomas says
"Atsumu, nobody expects you to take that on. I mean, not even YN would"- Barnes
Atsumu knows its alot but he can't help but recount his feelings the last few months
He remembers how sad he was when you pulled away and began ignoring him
How upset he was when you continued to shrug him off week after week
How the knot in his stomach grew when you told him you were pregnant
The jealousy he felt knowing he wasn't the baby's biological father
It killed him to see how upset you were the day he found you in the bathroom
Then to see you so happy again your ultrasound
It made him want to be apart of everything
"I think you need to talk to YN first Atsumu"- Thomas
"Yeah I mean, she's the one who will need to ultimately decide"- Inunaki
Atsumu sighed as he went about getting changed and then heading to practice
He knew he needed to talk to you and he had just the plan to do it
A few weeks went by as you and your belly continued to grow
Being almost 27 weeks was exhausting and taking an emotional toll on you
Your body was always sore, your feet hurt and all you wanted to do was sleep
You took it as easy as you could at practice
Atsumu made sure to constantly have a chair available for you as he pushed you into it more than necessary during the day
"Sumu really I'm fine"- you, being set carefully in the chair
"YN, sit!"- Atsumu says, grabbing another chair and putting your feet on it
"Sumu-"
"Here YN, Samu made you some Onigiri"- Atsumu said handing you the package as you grab it from him
You start eating as your eyes fill with tears as you chew
"YN Jesus, there's no need to cry!"- Atsumu
"It's just so good Sumu"- You 😭😭😭
Ok then 😐
That weekend, Atsumu asked over for dinner
Your agreed, enjoying your time with him
During dinner, Atsumu decided to approach the subject he's been avoiding for weeks
"YN, listen I want to talk to you"- Atsumu
"Sure Sumu, what's up?"- you a tad bit nervous
"YN, I want to be involved in the baby and your lives"- Atsumu
"Sumu you already are"- you confused 😕
"No- I mean, I want to be more than just a friend YN"- Atsumu
Your eyes widen as you sit back, your hand going to your belly
"Sumu I-"
"Listen YN, Sakusa told me what you heard and I just want to let you know, I was confused"
"Wait what? Sakusa told you"- you now standing up, mortified
"YN listen, it's ok! There's nothing wrong! I know you dont know who the babies father is and thats ok!"- Atsumu
You're absolutely mortified and feeling sick
If Atsumu knows, does the whole team know?
You feel so cheap and it's breaking you 🥺
"No everything's wrong Atsumu! God I can't believe Sakusa told you! Told you about everything! God I'm so embarrassed!"- you now stumbling around the chair, rushing towards the door
"YN please wait!"- Atsumu chasing you
"Sumu no! I don't need your pity! I got myself into this and I can do this myself. I know I'm 'not your type' or whatever but I'm not just some charity case"- You, crying
"YN Please stop!"- Atsumu, trying to get you to stay
"Leave me alone Sumu! God I can't believe I was so stupid!"- you, completely emotional and irrational
You take off out the door as Atsumu stands there, not sure if he should go after you or not
He calls Sakusa who answers right away
"Hey man-" "YN left! She fucking left! God I fucked up so bad! And now she's out on the streets alone. God what if she gets hurt or something happens to her!! Oh my god! What do I do??"
"Fuck- ok I'm going to call her, you go down and look for her. Follow her if you have to and make sure she gets home safe. I'll call Meian and see if he can go check on her"- Sakusa, our planning king
"Ok"- Atsumu says hanging up as he runs down the stairs to try and find you
Only your gone 😔
Your phone rings and rings as you sit on the train
You look to see you have missed calls from the entire team including Atsumu
You put your phone back in your pocket as you head to your apartment
Once inside you strip your clothes off, shower and put comfy sweats on
At this point, your just going through the motions, your brain on auto pilot
A pounding on your door jolts you from your trance
"YN OPEN UP NOW"- Meian shouts
You walk to the door, opening it to see Meian, Thomas and Inunaki all standing there
"Jesus woman! Could you answer your phone maybe?"- Thomas says
"I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about" you say in a monotone voice
"Well that's not what Atsumu said YN. He said you ran out of his apartment when he tried talking to you"- Meian
"Listen I don't need Atsumu or anyone's sympathy ok? I know I'm a fucking slut! I know I fucked up! I don't need anyones pity!" You now shouting as the tears fall down your cheeks
Seriously the theme of these headcannons is alot of crying 🥲
"YN"- Inunaki says as you look at him, his eyes sad
"I just want to be alone ok? Please let me be alone"- You, begging and tears falling
"Text us later ok?"- Meian says, taking the hint and turning to leave
You nod as you close and lock your door
Your tears falling steady as you turn to head to bed
The next few weeks go by in a daze
There is a odd unsettling in the air at the gym as you go about your job, steering as clear of Atsumu as you can
He watches you as you try and put the towels up
"Let me help" "I'm fine but thank you"- you say as you put the towels up and walk away
He's miserable, you're miserable, everyone's miserable
And you know what we love to do here 👀
Make everyone more miserable before we make them better 🙌🏻
So let's bring on some more pain, shall we 🙃
At 30 weeks, you wake up feeling exhausted
You haven't been able to sleep much and your body is constantly tired and sore
You make it to the gym just as you feel a sharp pain stab your back
You bend over, grabbing a chair as you curse
"Fuck" you squeak out as the pain dissipates
You wonder what's going on as the guys flood the gym and you straighten up
Atsumu looks at you as you smile lightly, turning to walk away
You come out from the office, a stack of papers in your hand as another pain shoots from your back
"Oh fuck"- you scream, as the papers go flying and your legs buckle
The teams heads snap your way as they rush to support you
"YN what's wrong?"- Atsumu
"My back- fuck it hurts Sumu"- you say, crying as the pain continues
"Shit, get her a chair Bokuto"- Meian says as Bokuto runs to grab you a seat
"Here YN"- Bokuto says as Sumu and Sakusa help you sit
The pain continues as you moan and cry through it
"We should take you to the hospital YN"- Thomas says as you nod
You're scared and it's about to get scarier
You stand up, and Barnes gasps
"Fuck YN your bleeding"- Barnes says as your face pales, looking at the seat seeing your blood soaking through
"Ambulance now!"- Meian shouts as Sakusa calls and Atsumu supports you
You start crying frantically as Atsumu holds you
"Sumu, the baby!! It's so early!"- you cry as Atsumu hugs you
"YN shhh- it's ok! Hey it's going to be ok! I'm not leaving you!"- Atsumu says reassuring you
"Atsumu, I'm so sorry- please" "shhh none of that! You have nothing to be sorry for baby!"- Atsumu says holding you close
The ambulance arrives as you are loaded in, Atsumu riding with you to the hospital
When you arrive, the doctors whisk you away to the maternity unit
Atsumu tries to follow up is stopped
"I'm sorry sir but only family from here on out"- the nurses says
"Fuck-" "He's the babies dad! Please let him come"- you shout as Atsumu looks at you, his eyes wide and tears filling the ducts
"Ok come with me sir"- the nurse says, bringing you both to a room
Hours go by as you sit and wait
The doctors were able to locate the babies heartbeat within seconds, reassuring you and Atsumu she was still ok
Atsumu sat next to you, holding your hand as he watched you
"YN, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. Please I never wanted this to happen"- Atsumu says
"Don't apologize Sumu. I should have listened to you. But I didn't. I'm sorry for this whole mess"- you, saddened
"YN, I love you and our baby so much! Please don't apologize for anything. I want to be here with you the entire way. That is, if you'll have me?"- Atsumu
Please now I'm crying 😭
"Atsumu, you mean it?"- You 🥺
"YN, if I didn't think it was inappropriate, I'd propose right now"- he says, smiling at you
"Please don't yet, I've had enough excitement for one day"- you say, laughing at Atsumu smiles
The doctor walks in
"Well good news YN is that your waters haven't broken and baby seems ok. It looks like you had a small subchorionic hematoma. It wasn't noted earlier on your ultrasounds, probably because it was so small. However it could have grown and then burst, causing the bleeding. It looks like everything is fine but just to be safe, I want you on bedrest for the next few weeks. That means laying down 23 hours a day, only getting up to use the bathroom"- the doctor says
Your eyes widen and you nod your head, you look to Sumu
"Sumu, my job. I cant-" the tears are falling again
Seriously so many tears 😢
"Hey- hey, it's fine YN! I'm here to help you. Let me help ok?"- Atsumu says as you nod, placing trust in him
The doors to your room fly open as 7 giant men enter
Please they probably scared everyone on the floor 😅
"Hey hey hey YN! How are you feeling?"- Bokuto
"Much better thank you guys!"- you say smiling as you place your hand on your belly
"Is that the baby's heartbeat?"- Sakusa asks
"Yep that's our baby girl"- Atsumu adds
"And she's staying in for a while??"- Meian 😑
"Yes, unfortunately I'll have to go on bed rest so I won't be able to manage for a while. I hope that's ok?"- you, really hoping it's ok
"YN please you think we could ever replace you?? Plus Atsumu would never allow it"- Barnes
Atsumu nods as you laugh a little
Suddenly your belly moves as the baby shifts
"What in the hell was that??"- Hinata 😳
"Oh she's just moving and kicking. She really hates these straps. Do you want to feel?"- You being freaking cute
Hinata nods as he approaches and feels the baby as she kicks
"Omg thats SO COOL YN!"- Hinata
"Hey me next!"- Bokuto
Like I've said before, literal children Yn
The guys leave soon and you spend your night trying to sleep
Astumu stayed by your side the entire time
The next morning, you were discharged and Atsumu drove you home
Only it wasn't to your home 🤨
"Umm Atsumu... this is your place"- you say, questioning
"Yep! You're staying with me so I can take care of you"- Atsumu says getting out of the car and walking over to your door
You 👉🏻👁👄👁 uhh ok...
Atsumu opens your door, lifting you into his arm as he carries you to his apartment
He sets you down gently on the bed and kisses your forehead
"You know, I can walk right?"- You
"You're growing my baby YN and the doctor said 'only get up when you need to use the bathroom' so no you can't just walk"- Atsumu
You roll your eyes as you hear the doorbell ring
Atsumu leaves and returns with Osamu who has brought food
"Hello my future sister in law"- Osamu, just stating the obvious
"Hey Samu! It's so nice to see you!"- You hugging your future brother in law 🥺
"I brought you food and enough to help feed you for the week. Because I don't trust Atsumu to make sure your feeding my niece enough"- Osamu
Atsumu 👉🏻😐 🧍♂️ I'm right here-
"Oh I know you are, that's why I said it"- Osamu 🙃
The weeks go by as you slowly approach your due date
At your 37 week appointment you are cleared to go back to work as long as you take it easy
The next day you waddle your way into the gym
"Whoa YN, you smuggling a couple volleyballs under that shirt"- Inunaki 🤣
You 👉🏻 😐 and I'm leaving
"Jesus christ we just got her back! Don't make her leave!"- Thomas
"YN!"- Our two bubbly boys say running at you
Sakusa steps in their way to stop them from mauling you
"Do you two have any other speed besides full steam?"- Sakusa
Meanwhile, Atsumu is dragging in two chairs, one for you to sit and another to put your feet up
He's also brought a bag full of water, refreshments and snacks for you
"Jesus Atsumu, did you bring the bag for the hospital too?"- Barnes jokes
"Yeah it's in the car! Do you think I'll need it??"- Atsumu ready to run to the car
"Atsumu love, chill out! I'm fine"- You
"YN the doctor said the baby can come anytime now, I'm just preparing ok!"- Atsumu
"Sumu I'm not even dilated yet! I doubt it's going to happen that fast"- You
Famous last words YN 🙃🙃🙃
Ok now before I get to the labor part, I just want to say that every labor is different
Like VERY different and I'm exaggerating this for funsies
Because who doesn't like chaos???
So let's get to it!
39 weeks 🙌🏻 congrats YN you made it to "full term"
And honestly, you are SO done
You can't sleep, your back hurts, your constantly going to the bathroom, your feet hurt and your body is just done
Not to mention, your patience with pretty much everyone
Most days, you sit in your chair in the corner of practice brooding 🤣
Hinata and Bokuto are scared to approach you
Heck all the guys are 😅
But today is the day YN and oh boy is it going to be painful
You wake up that morning feeling off
Atsumu is out on his run while you go about showering and getting ready for practice
At your last appointment your cervix was barely dilated and the doctor said it could be another 2 weeks before they see anything happen
But today just felt strange
The baby is lower and there is alot of pressure in your pelvis
Your back hurts and you are struggling to walk
You lean over the counter trying to relieve some pressure as Atsumu walks in
Immediately our man is on alert
"Whats wrong? Yn are you ok?"- he says running up to you
"Yeah Sumu I'm ok. Just alot of pressure and my back hurts"- you say as Atsumu applies pressure to your back to help
He kisses your neck as he rocks you
"Maybe you should stay home today?"- Atsumu
"Nah I'm ok. Maybe walking will get this little one going"- you say
"Ok baby. I'm going to change and we can head to practice"- Atsumu says, kissing you as he goes to change
As he's changing, you feel a pressure build in your back, stay and then leave
I'm no expect YN but I think that was probably a contraction
Spoiler alert: it was 😏
You sit there after the pain leaves and wonder what exactly is happening
It's one of those "I think I might be in labor but I'm not sure and I don't want to get too excited" moments
You brush off the contractions and move to get ready to leave
At the gym, you are sitting in the office when another contraction hits
It's your 3rd one in a half an hour and you start to think you are actually in labor
But you don't tell Atsumu yet 👀
Because you know exactly what will happen
Alot of panic, very little disco 🤣
You vow to tell him of your contractions start coming closer together
Which happens alot sooner than you plan
"Hey YN! Can you bring the copy of the new roster out?"- Meian yells as you grab the paper
You make it to the gym floor just as a huge contraction hits
You grab onto the door frame and feel a slight pop as your leggings begin to dampen
"Shit!"- you cry as Meian and Barnes heads snap to you
Barnes notices your leggings dampen and looks from your legs to your eyes and back down
"Oh holy SHIT!"- he yells as Thomas, Inunaki and Sakusa come running out
"What??"- Thomas says
"Yn did your..."- Meian
"Yep, my waters broke"- you, still gripping onto the door frame
There's a good 1 minute of silence before sheer panic sets in
Meian and Inunaki run to you and help you to make sure your supported
Meanwhile, Atsumu, Hinata and Bokuto come in from the back after filling water bottles
Atsumu sees you being supported, looks down, sees your pants, looks back up and sees your face
That's all she wrote people
Those water bottles are done for because Atsumu is SPRINTING to you just as another contraction hits
"Shit YN!! Are you ok? Tell me what's happening?"- Atsumu
You breath through the pain as Atsumu and the guys watch on
"I think I've been having contractions all morning but just now I'm pretting sure my water broke or I peed myself"- you
"Eww YN really"- Sakusa
You glare at Sakusa who is now your enemy
"We have to get to the hospital"- Atsumu
"Sumu remember the doctors said it could be hours or even days! We have time-" you growl as a contraction hits
"You think you have time YN? Because those contractions are awfully close together"- Barnes
"How do you know about that?"- you, gritting through the pain
"Atsumu sent us all an emergency birth plan with details that we all had to read"- Barnes say shrugging
You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁
"Now is not the time to deal with this! We have to get YN to the hospital NOW!"- Atsumu in adulting mode
Meian and Inunaki support you as Atsumu runs around
Please he's so excited, nervous and scared he can't function
"Tsum tsum calm down!"- Bokuto
Everyone looks at him like 😲 because Bokuto being the voice of reason 🤨
That's strange, that's weird
Suddenly a huge pressure hits you as your knees buckle and you begin to fall
"YN holy shit-" Hinata says running to you
"It hurts so bad"- you, screaming
For real tho, I screamed so loud they said they were lucky the birthing floor was empty 😅
And imagine the echo of a gym at that 🤯
"What hurts YN?"- Sakusa
You're head snaps to him like bro... seriously
"MY VAGINA SAKUSA!"- you, screaming
"I know that you idiot I mean what are you feeling?"- Sakusa
"Hey don't call the mother of my child an idiot ya idiot!"- Atsumu, ready to fight
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP"- You, gritting your teeth
Any chance you had at a serene birth experience is long gone YN 😅
"Ugh I feel like I have to push"- you shout as everyone freezes
Meian and Inunaki are still supporting you
Thomas and Barnes 👉🏻 👁👄👁 here???
Bokuto and Hinata just stand there 🧍♂️ 🧍♂️
"Wait- now? You said we had time YN!"- Atsumu, panicking
"Clearly I was wrong Sumu"- you say gritting your teeth as another contraction comes
"I'm calling an ambulance now"- Sakusa says running
You feel pressure as you move your hand to lower your pants
Please everyone is about to lose their minds
"YN I don't think the gyms insurance covers this"- Meian
"Seriously are these floors even stain proof?"- Barnes
"I mean their water proof right?"- Thomas
You glare at them as they all stop talking
"You're right YN not the time"- Meian says, holding you as you move your pants down
"The ambulance is like 5 minutes away"- Sakusa says running back in
"We need towels"- Atsumu says, realizing this is not waiting
Hinata and Bokuto run 🏃♂️ as fast as they can and grab towels
"Ok YN, you need to breath. Remember in and out, good job baby!"- Atsumu says praising you
Please he's a rock in a tough situation
He just goes into autopilot
"Sumu, it hurts so bad" you say gritting your teeth
Atsumu checks under your shirt to see
"Oh my god ok this is really happening. Yn the babies head is right there"- he says his eyes as wide as saucers
"WHAT??"- you scream as another contraction hits
"Ok ok YN when the contraction hits, bare down on and put your weight on Meian and Inunaki"- Atsumu
"God YN, I'm so sorry some man did this to you!! I'm scheduling a vasectomy tomorrow"- Inunaki states
You scream as you feel the pressure hit a new high
"The ambulance is a minute away YN just hold on"- Sakusa screams from the doors as he waits
"Sumu I cant- I can't! I was promised drugs! You promised me drugs!"- You scream
Fun fact 👉🏻 actual quote from me
"YN, hey, I believe in you and I love you"- Sumu says as he looks up at you smiling
You nod, bearing down as you feel the pressure build and then slip from your body
"Holy shit"- Barnes shouts as the gym floods with first responders and Atsumu holds your new baby girl
"You did it YN! You did it baby! I fucking love you so much! Omg she's so perfect!"- Atsumu says crying as he holds your now screaming daughter, the ambulance crew handing him towels and checking her vitals
"Hello YN! I'm Mai, let's get you to a gurney ok??"- Mai says as you nod and Meian and Inunaki help you on the gurney, you daughter still attached by her umbilical cord
"Dad would you like to cut the cord? Then we can help YN get the placenta out"- Mai says handing Atsumu the scissors as he holds your baby close.
"Wait I'm not done yet?"- you say panicking
"It will be quick YN. After birth contractions will help"- Mai says as she helps you deliver the placenta
Atsumu hands you the baby as you look at her and start to cry
"Sumu she's perfect"- you say looking at him
"Just like you YN"- atsumu says, kissing you as you head the to hospital
✨️ Bonus ✨️
1 month later...
#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyu!#haikyū!!#haikyu timeskip#msby four#msby black jackal#msby headcanons#hq msby#msby scenarios#msby atsumu#msby bokuto#msby sakusa#msby hinata#miya atsumu#atsumu miya#atsumu x female reader#timeskip atsumu#atsumu x reader#atsumu x pregnant reader#atsumu x yn#atsumu x you#atsumu miya x y/n#atsumu miya x reader#atsumu miya x you#oriver barnes#meian shugo#shion inunaki#adriah thomas#sakusa kiyoomi
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The Man, the Myth, the Legend is tired and in pain but that’s his own fault and you will see why: ‘OH HOT GUY ALERT! Emmett..baby..he is wearing denim on denim with a leather jacket, if that doesn’t scream gay, idk what does. GAY! WHAT DID I SAY!’ He just paused the episode and walked to the tv to look at Justins art ‘THATS bc you accepted a boy who wasn’t beaten yet. So of course his work was different, sherlock! Now stop being a prick and let my boy draw on his computer! We expect our students to what now? What did he just say about excelling at everything? Just bc he’s disabled doesn’t mean he won’t be amazing?! Oh just say you don’t accept disabled people you old fart! Fuck you and your tradition! I hate this clown..oh i guess the clown has some brain after all!..BRIAN! Dont put any ideas in his head.. oh he wants him to succeed and be the best and do good and this is a lot to handle on so many pain meds’ ‘why is linds being a bitch? Since when is she so uptight? Oh, the silence is LOUD…BRIAN WILL YOU GRAB THAT AND THEN HE JUST DOES? OH HE IS GONE. THAT MAN IS IN LOVE! HE IS SO IN LOVE AND NOBODY EXCEPT ME FOR SOME REASON SEES THIS *looks at me like he just realized im there too* can you see it?!’ ‘Okay dudes, that was not chill! You don’t do that to your friends. It’s fun to be jokey but that was not cool, yall are better than that…are you tho? MICHAEL BET 5 WEEKS?! i guess people do change. Tell them debbie! At least she gets it, even if she only gets it once every 17 episodes’…‘Ben better be better than David. Oh is he gonna be the one..i mean he’s asking him to talk about comics..david hid them. I hated that. Okay Benny boy, you can stick around, I’ll allow it but you get 3 strikes!’ ‘Okay goatee dude, chill the fuck out. People are allowed to have relationships and still be the hottest thing around. Don’t make him self conscious, i have worked overtime to try and get him to admit to being in love! DONT RUIN THIS FOR ME!….NOOOO HE RUINED IT FOR ME!…MICHAEL! WHAT THE FUCK MICHAEL WHO JUST SAYS THAT TO A PERSON? Just when i was about to be in your corner, someone please hit him! You cant just say fucked up shit and then say sorry! Thats not how that works!’ Then he felt bad for Mikey bc of the school thing and then he hated that he felt bad bc hes mad at him ‘Oh we are getting hot and HEAVY! Bri Bri, i am impressed! You knew he was upset and why! Oh so that guy was nothing but Justin is something? MY DUDES WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO TALK. Aww he doesn’t want Brian to change. Now that’s love! Oh COME ON, I CANT FUCKING WIN EVEN FOR A MINUTE! Im a good person, i deserve good stuff, throw me a bone ffs’ ‘aw Benny boy is listening! Oh he is way better than david! If youre the one, you can stay! Just do me a favor and make mike more tolerable, i am begging for the sake of my well being..that was sweet mike, now give me brian and justin again!’ He had to go and take his last dose of pills for today and he just looked at the ceiling and flapped his arms around while making no noise at all, so id say he’s handling it well. ‘Listen, i am 100% straight. But THIS *points to a paused screen of Brian in the green light in the beginning of the non confession scene* is one beautiful man! I AM INTRIGUED And I would not mind him hitting on me.’ I made a comment that he is now 54 years old to which he puts his hand up in my face and goes ‘I’ll get back to you on that’ and just continued to watch. 1/2 of 2x06
Dear sweet anon - I am SCREAMING over him asking if you see that Brian is in love too. Yes, Brother Anon, that's why we're all here 20 years later. Still sobbing over them.
And yes, Gale Harold is the most beautiful man to ever man. I have a straight crush on him and even at 54 he could get it. The green light scene is one of my favorite. UGH that profile.
#ask winderlylandchime#dear sweet anon#queer as folk#a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023
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heyyyy, ive been meaning to ask you this but idk why i didn't until now🙃, lol anw since you posted that anon hour thingie im just gonna ask: which kpop idol is *actually* your type?? fr who would you date irl👁️👄👁️
your stan list is hefty(lol i check your carrd randomly sometimes it's so pretty)so im v curious
Ahhhh interesting question 😳!! I have never really thought about it, but y’know, sometimes (more than sometimes tbh) I’m watching a video and someone does something and internally I’m just going “hmm I think I’d actually date this guy” or “damn I think I’m in love is he maybe looking for a wife or something” 🧍🏽♀️
Skshksjk anyway, I made a whole ass list. Because yes. You might find it suprising at some points but not really... idk 🤡
bts: hobi (... he’s so hubby material it huRTS 😭! have you ever noticed how fucking caring and understanding this man is? and the way he’s so passionate? he’s so attractive 😔 also his vibe is top tier I LOVE IT SM GAHHHH >.< it’s like an instant mood lifter) + jk (pretty sure no one is surprised that i’m picking him, but 🥺 he’s so boyfriend shaped 🥺, and god, i can’t explain in short but i adore everything about him to bits ☹️, you can go through my tag for him and see the embarrassing ass posts i make about him if you wanna know more. PLS DON’T ACTUALLY, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR)
txt: binnie (i’m aware that i rarely scream about him so let me just— OH MY GOD CHOI SOOBIN IS LITERALLY MY IDEAL TYPE 😭?? i love quiet and shy people who are actually unhinged once they get comfortable, because guess what i’m exactly the same 🤠! we can be introverted clowns together and i’d love him so bad 🤧! i’ll probably be whiny and pouty all the time and i just know that he’s the type of boyfriend who pouts back and then kisses you. KICKING MY FEET WHY DID I IMAGINE THAT FUCJNSSS)
svt: gyu (the male-wife agenda is real you guys 😔!!! he’s a soft giant™ type of guy :( also his vibe??? idk bro something about enfjs 🥲, i feel so drawn to whatever he does. and he’s really fucking tall and buff, which are such a BONUS, because for some reason i really like the thought of being carried around in the house, especially if i’m tired or sleepy. so yeah. would climb 10/10. cuddles for life. size kink go brrrr. big boobs so i can hide from all the scary things in his chest. also i love him so very much and it hurts. ok that is enough simping) + dino (ah... love me a guy who can make me laugh to the point i feel like i’m gonna die because i haven’t breathed in the past 40 seconds. another enfj too :') i just know i’d be the happiest girl on earth with him. he’s so attractive??? and his personality??? and when he laughs???? and he’s so honest about how he feels :( *falls in love and breaks a limb*) + cheol (look me in the eye and tell me that he isn’t TOP TIER HUSBAND MATERIAL. i. dare. you. if he cares about you, you’re gonna be his top priority and i stan that shit so hard. he actually makes me feel like a 14 y/o who has developed a crush on someone for the first time 😭)
enha: park jongseong (🛐🛐🛐 he regularly makes my expectations for a partner reach new heights and i’m not exactly a fan of it. LIKE??? DUDE DON’T DO THAT I’M GONNA DIE SINGLE🧍🏽♀️??? ugh god he’s so :((( totally the type to hug you from the back as a surprise and then kiss any bare skin he can find in your shoulder/neck area. also, the type to bury his nose there and inhale your scent because he associates you with home— NOW TELL ME WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF 😭😭😭😭)
&team: kei (the irl disney prince i deserve!!! 🥺 throughout &audition he tightened his grip around my heart so badly... i legit get heart flutters whenever he appears on screen. he’s so exceptionally thoughtful and caring 😭, and his energy is so intoxicating! i love it, it makes me smile all the time! can’t wait for his debut 🥺)
skz: chan (do i really need to explain?? this man makes me feel such a wide range of emotions. a big heart with a big... nose and so goddamn boyfriend??? i love him. and ngl, it feels like he walked straight out of a romance webtoon. chan is very supportive of everyone too, it’s kinda crazy? i adore him 😞)
atz: yunho (this guy... i’d commit arson for him. he’s my honeybun, sugarplum, cuppycake, gumdrop etc. etc. you get it 🥺🤧😭!! i love him so much fuck i know i’m repeating the same shit over and over for everyone but yunho is so precious oh my god 😭!! soft boyfie :(( my heart aches for him, and!! yes i do the cooking, yes i do the cleaning 🤠👏🏼 *is that enough for a ring?*)
— “ anon hour ☁️ ” + send me an ask!
#📬; aleyna’s mailbox#🍶; ask games!#nonnie 🕊️#holy shit. can you tell that i need therapy 💀#and omg i’m so glad you think my carrd is pretty 🥺 it took me literal years to make it hdgjsdh#also i’m sorry for... whatever this is. you probably just wanted the names 🤡#i actually spent nearly an hour writing this please k*ll me#aleyna please stop embarrassing yourself infront of internet strangers challenge
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since this topic is making the rounds of controversy AGAIN I will confess something: i genuinely don't get how gamzee or damara are offensive, even though i am what the nu fandom would call a "poc" (hate that term, sounds stupid). i find damara relatable and hilarious as fuck even, and i love her design, she is obviously based on azula to accompany rufioh's dante basco reference; but suddenly my opinion and life experiences don't count or deserve to be heard because i don't agree with these americans with "white savior complex" as they call it? so hypocritical. and honestly i find all this "coding" shit people associate with gamzee despite him being based on fucking clown rappers to be the real racism. what, are people gonna tell me irl clowns are offensive too because they use poofy wigs and face paint? lets boycott ronald mcdonald too then, or ship him with gamzee, both work. #fuckclowns #clussy #gamzeexronaldmcdonaldSWEEP #shitsbetterthandavekatanyways
idk im just tired and i cant believe people are still fighting about this shit, if anything wouldn't that just prove that fandom activism amounts to nothing on the long run except alienation, sucking the joy out of everything and making people uncomfortable to create content for these characters and thus, ironically, giving minorities less representation? it's the circle of stupidity man
I don't think Damara is based on Azula. But more of people finding Aradia dressing in Asian attire like kimonos or cheongsam beautiful and would headcanon her to be Asian. Even if her first name is based on an work that are pagan text in found Italy and the last name based on a location in Israel that the Bible prophesizes that it will be the final battlefield for end times, people think Aradia as Asian was better. Anime on the rise probably added fuel to this. Nobody gave a shit about an Asian lady being a lower class because of the hemospectrum lowblood implications. And even if it did, people think it would be about her overcoming her high class rich oppressor. But then, people would be too focused on Condesce being black because of her being technically Meenah, showing that it was a BLACK WOMAN who started the oppression in the first place. No one gets mad that a black woman was trying to beat and kill an Asian woman. Asian people today in this modern era, may as well be white. And I'm Filipino, who may as well be leaned to white if don't agree with my white LGBT saviors.
People being upset about Gamzee being black just because of his crazy messy hair style, people assume it was an AFRO. And I mean afro afro ROUND afro. Tell me, how is a messy unkempt hair style equal AFRO SO HE IS BLACK.
They might as well say bedhead hairstyles mean it is only for black people. While they forget black people aren't the only ones with afros. Do people accuse Bob Ross as black appropriation because he as an afro? NO! There are people, regardless of skin color, that have different hairstyles! Whether they are American, Mexican, etc!
I don't mind Damara being some Asian stereotype. In fact, as a Filipino, I find it funny! My parents would joke themselves of eating dogs and it is still funny to them! Her being a bitchy slutty Asian girl is fine! Isn't her role of working for the bigger bad cool enough or complex that she would go through this lengths to get back at her bully interesting? I guess not to others.
Sometimes people who have been depicted as Asian with some joke or vague stereotype attached them, approved of being shown like this! Remember that Asian guy in Courage the Cowardly Dog that says "WATCH WHERE YOU GOIN' YA FOOL!" The creator based it on a RL friend he knew. And that Real Life friend gave his OWN VOICE for it too that we hear today. He didn't mind and actually approves of this character! He would later to go on to voice him in episodes that star him too! And there are people like dumb YouTubers who talk about cartoons, think it is racist, when it is NOT! It's like they assume Trey Parker and Matt Stone pointed a gun at Isaac Hayes to let his voice stay for black racist jokes, when it's not the case and he know what he was going into and didn't mind it! Him drawing the line at mocking Sciencetology is not the same as him thinking he hated all the black jokes he had to deal with in South Park.
Can we just go back to letting people headcanon a character whatever they want? If someone wants to blackwash Tom from Eddsworld despite the character being a white British man? Fine. If people wanted to draw the Homestuck kids as anime characters with light skin? It's fine too. Let people do whatever the fuck they want. If someone wants to draw the characters as they appeared in the series, it's fine too! Nobody is racist or homophobic or anything for liking a character a different way! I don't need some bitch with multiple pronouns and LGBT flag emojis on their profile to tell me that my Asian depictions in Hollywood and TV shows are bad or limited. I find more representation in ANIME than there. And if they say "THERE ARE NO PINOYS OR PHILIPPINE CHARACTERS IN HOLLYWOOD OR MAINSTREAM MEDIA!" All I got to say is,
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
I just want to see if my anime, manga, video game, TV show, comic, movie, etc is enjoyable and has cool characters. I don't care about the skin or ethnicity. I want to see them go through cool shit! And when there is a rare moment of one making a decent series, nobody props them up for their originality. They rather care about a raceswapped modern updated version of Superman than something actually new! I don't see people praising Trese as a step for Philippines in comic industry after it got a Netflix Adaption. Raya and the Last Dragon was the better one because of the vague Southeast Asian Disney princess compared to a badass woman killing monsters!
Modern fandom culture is a poison and I desperately want it gone. But it's gonna be years before that will happen. It started to seep in 2014-16 and doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon in the 2020s.
#fandom#fandoms#Homestuck fandom#Homestuck#Gamzee Makara#Damara Megido#modern fandom#nu-fandom#nu fandom
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Mon 01/29/24
1:57am
it's been more than a year. damn. couldn't write all year bc i have been so ashamed & traumatized.
back in school for electrical engineering & honestly i hate it. at least im (slowly) learning some useful things from within the massive amounts of bullshit. when does this end...
if i could have seen into the future, i would be so ashamed & sad to know what im doing now. maybe i wouldn't have made it to today. maybe i would have just done better. what a mess.
it's a bit painful to relive but here are the facts:
terrible teaching job. rude, dirty, sick. kids were funny. one kid won the spelling bee (we would practice together in the hall) & told me she wanted to be an artist. one kid never talked & had bad spoken english but wrote a rly good reflection essay abt boarding schools & american education (postscript "im hungry"). one kid told me stories abt learning to drive a motorcycle with his dad in DR & bragged to all the other kids that i was a great help for his high school application. that is all.
went to taiwan w the roomies. it was ok. really beautiful, wish i saw more of the mountains & oceans
terrible nonprofit job. abusive, useless, malicious. spent a lot of time studying soc*alism w chinese ch@racteristics & material origins of class society. honestly developed some optimism for human progress. fired for working too many hours & representing the org extremely well on a panel where the other panelists and audience really lifted up my perspective. everyone respected my work except the narcissist clowns. i met a nice friend named alan. that is all.
went to china, & felt saved & relieved to see people standing up. this time there was much less air pollution, especially near the coastal cities. luoyang had a bit more, but the city was a giant network of parks. i counted five rows of trees on each side of the streets. my uncles are so smart with critical analysis of history, human progress, world politics, and local affairs. sigh... feels bad to be treated like a dog in this backward country. i realized that i need training that prepares me for the realities of this strange world.
applied to school for electrical engineering. studied python & calculus in the meantime-- & thank god i did... i honestly felt good abt the decision, knowing that i need to develop myself if i want to survive in this world.. & i have reasons or energy to do it instead of waiting for death. is that the end of depression?
hung out w adele, erica, & tracy a bit bc they were all in town for the holidays. i missed my friends. they were rly nice to me.
started school in january. it fucking sucks. ppl r so stupid & rude. ridiculous. im tired & angry every day. i am running a huge marathon full of sloppy, impossible problems that take hours longer than they should. overworked & mad every day.
some reflections i guess..
emmy has been really hands-off with my life. idk if they dont have ideas or dont want to step in, or they r just observing what happens. idk. i dont feel like emmy approves or disapproves of anything. maybe relieved when i escape the shitholes i dug myself into. i hope emmy can help me become someone i feel proud of. i helped emmy apply to masters programs but idk if its the right step for emmy, & they dont have strong reasons honestly. they got accepted by the committee a few days ago. sigh.. i desperately want emmy to have my back.
im back to being so depressed. unsure abt what im doing, feeling doomy abt past present & future. will things get better? im in trouble if i need to tell myself that to cope w the present. im stronger than i was before, i think....
hang in there, love.
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birthday posting
i had some intresting talk w them in the past few days
they dont celebrate christmas anymore
i dont belive in god, they do, so weirdly enough it should hurt them more if u were to go off just by this information
i wouldnt say im hurt anymore
but is was
for atleast a year or two
i was always saying chirstmas is overrated, i dont like it, capitalism this, capitalism that
then i guess i was a clown for being hurt not having somehting i "despised" so much
because i didnt like christmas
i liked giving gifts, i always did
i didnt like christmas but i liked taking a break
i did not like christmas but i liked the fact that some people actually tried to be nicer atleast in those few weeks before the event
i didnt like christmas for the advertisements, i hated christmas for the sappy clichés, for everything fake
i didnt like how many people around christmas time told me how to love someone
still it hurt when mom said there will be no more christmas at home
i mean they said they wont, what i do is obviosly my choice
but really it just mean i have no one to celebrate with
and what hurt was that, i wouldve been fine with it if there was anything else here
but like i said before, my family isnt really behaving like one (?)
i thought it was my emo teenager self thinking that for a long time but, mum said something similar
that we dont behave how a family should be
we dont talk much
we talk obviously everyday but we dont t a l k
i kind of blame that on the fact that we are really different
i dont belive in things they belive in, and nowadays their whole world is built around their beliefs
if i could talk about softer topics with them i would
but in the end everything ends up with god in their mind
no matter where i try to drive the convo to keep it going, it somehow always ends up there
in the past few days it was kind of better, i gave them a gift on the 21st and told my mom to accept it for me, im not giving it because of christmas
i didnt say a ord to my dad just left the stuff on his desk
i had a "fight" (id rather say disagreement, because it was not aggressive in any way) with my mom about this on the phone that day
i was scared my dad would not accept or somehting, not even scared, better word is uncomfortbale
guess what he was happy
i feel like my mom overdramatizes a lot of things and all that fucking stress murders me for nothing
today too
its my birthday, i got a cake in the morning like always, and it was delicious like always
i was kinda out of it because i just woke up so i didnt talk much but i was happy, i thanked them for the gifts i got and sat down to eat with them
i dont want to get into details but the whole thing started out of the fact that we didnt have the kind of milk i use for coffee, and i asked if theres any
mom somehow already looked snappy
the whole conversation spiraled from there
later on the day i thought we solved it by having smaller talks
but shes on and off with me today all fucking day
and somehow im more sensitive about it
i always feel irony in her voice, this passive aggressive shit, and if i bring it up "its just you", somehow its my faulth
im so fucking tired
today i honestly didnt do anything because i felt like, on my birthday i could do that without a single guilty thought
but the way she spoke to me whenever she looked into my room felt like she had a problem with me again
i dont know
i know im sensitive about this, but i cant help it, she can be extremely cold, and its my birthday
i wanted it to be calm
i just dont feel
i dont feel love coming from her at times like this
like none
i feel like a problem, a burden
im trying to be stronger but its hard
christmas was something when i felt love, calmness around me, and thats what i liked about it, i did not give a shit about how we decorated it
but even that is gone too
and i feel like its a rare occasion when i feel loved
im fucking tired
i have little motivation wich makes me lazy, wich makes me feel kind of lesser again
im fighting tho
its hard
but im not giving up obviously
i cant, not yet
i just wish my mom could be softer, more understanding
i realized in this home that i crave love like crazy, but
somtimes it makes me uncomfortable when i recieve it
i guess some forms of love are rarely experienced by me so its strange, cringey when i get it
but i try to remind myself to everything i get
the fact that they got me a cake, and hugged me in the morning
that was nice atleast
yeah i have to
i have to calm myself
and remember when i get love
welp this got longer than it was meant to be
my mom opened the door on me, i told her not to come in but she did anyways, said she thought i said she can
(i dont want to blame her but i said it like 3-4 times to please not come in, and i know her brain just literally skips trough it, we talked about this before, she said she will try but this was fucking shitty timing)
i was crying, idk if she saw it or realized
i kinda hope not
its okay tho bc im done w my birthday cry atleast lol
these updates are always shitty lol but, i have to remind my future self that im only posting the shitty selfreflection times
like i have not posted about how i met up w 2 of my close friends yesterday, made a bunch of photos with 2 shitty digital cameras (mine's screen is literally in negativ and has these strikes on the screen, so u cant see how the pics actually turn out until its on ur phone/pc lol) smoked a bunch because we're unhealthy like that, went to a christmas fair and left quicly bc everything was expensive and it was cold. even the snow started falling wich is like really rare in this region in this time of the year
so we had a white christmas
i think i hear me mom talk about how sensitive i am
i didnt even do anything except cried and wrote my shit out in peace
but now thats a problem too, because she knows i was sad bc of her
im already over it, or i would be but i just fucking hope she doesnt want to talk about this more, because that would be more hurtful than useful, if we look at the fact that shes deadset on defending herself even if i wouldnt say anything about her
whatever
im older w one year
im 22 rn
im kinda lost in life
but thats nothing new so
i just have to power trough it
i actually did better this year
i read back a lot of posts i left in here and
i am making progress
kinda really slow but
its progress
so yeah peace out or some cool way to say goodbye here
#journal entry#angst lol#birthday posting#mom issues i guess but i refuse to say mommy issues because that sounds fucking gross ngl
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“Ghost of Ohio” A Honeysuckle Drabble
// while writing this I was listening to a song of the same name: https://youtu.be/GEMye-5l2DA
The setting is when Honeysuckle was 23, reflecting on her life and how to move forward from it.
in case anyone needs it, TW for the following: Drug usage, Abuse mentions, Near death Experience
Life always had it’s ups and downs, people came and went...It was just how things were, and Honeysuckle knew it...Though there was always that urge of saying fuck all and leaving it all behind, to pack a bag and head to the nearest bus stop to get out of her hometown.
Of course she toss and turned with the idea since she was 13, whether or not she should leave her mother and brother behind...Of course she knew her step dad wouldn’t care, in fact she figured he would be thrilled with her gone.
When she turned 18, not long after she learned the truth about who her real dad was, she and a few of her friends who shared her dream of leaving Ohio and traveling preforming concerts would pack their bags, their equipment and head on out, Honeysuckle leaving a note behind for her mother and brother:
Dear Mom and Damian,
Sorry you had to find out like this...But I’m tired of staying in a house where I’m constantly degraded and told I will never be anything than a horse faced bitch..Heh..Guess James will be happy huh? Not having a horse step daughter around to plague his life...
Anyways, i’m heading outta town, maybe to the next town over or hell outta state with some of my friends. Don’t worry I got my ID and wallet on me. I’ll try to keep in touch so you wont go worrying.
I need this, it’s time I find my own path and see what’s out there...Who knows, maybe I’ll be famous like dad...My real dad...Someday. But until then, I need to do this.
Sincerely yours,
Honeysuckle Horseman
It was hard but it had to be done...With that out of the way she began her journey to freedom.
Of course this was just the tip of the iceberg...As quickly she would soon miss home but kept trying to tell herself that she can’t go back...At least not now, she still had so much to do and see. It would be about 7 months into her new life, she had preformed at least 20 gigs in different towns, making a name for herself and her bandmates, even earning money along the way. It was during this time she met a leopard in what looked at first to her, monochrome clown paint, though through talking with him she would learn what a Juggalo was.
For about a year, things were good between the two, Honeysuckle doing her music while her new boyfriend would attend every show to support her...Though at some point during that past year, he had gotten Honeysuckle into trying drugs, claiming it would make her stress and worries melt away...And she believed him, thinking what harm could it do? After all she trusted him and didn’t think he would try to harm her in any way...Being 19 and becoming addicted to drugs..She didn’t notice when she started to act so reckless...
It was during one of her concerts, she was blitzed out of her mind on drugs that she started to climb some platforms off stage while preforming, singing her song and wandering a bit aimlessly until she went to jump off of the platform only to miss the landing, smacking her ribs into the side of the stage and blacking out for a few moments, only to get back up onto the stage and announcing some songs that weren’t on the list for the night.
Her bandmates were confused but didn’t question it until after the show was over when one of her bandmates approached her and noticed how dazed she was, asking if she was alright before she would go “Yeahh im fiiine” and proceed to black out once more.
Her manager would take her to the hospital which would come to light that she was on heavy drugs and would need to detox while her ribs healed. It wasn’t an easy thing for Honeysuckle to accept, getting mad once she was awake, claiming the drugs were the reason she felt no pain and that she knew what she was doing...Of course her boyfriend backed her up but never admitted to being the one that gave them to her but also to avoid suspicion did side with the doctor at least to help get Honeysuckle to the point she could go back to their apartment.
Once she was released when life started to get real for the poor girl...Getting into fights with her boyfriend over drugs, her band, their relationship...This went on, on and off for about a year...Age 20 was when a breaking point hit, Honeysuckle was given more doses than she was used to, her heart racing as she got into a heated argument with her boyfriend which only made it worse as he slapped her across the face and chased her into the bathroom which she managed to lock before he could get in, her mind and heart racing as she could barely stand, sliding down the door onto the floor as she curled up as her breathing became quick, almost as if she was running out of air...She wouldn’t know it, but she blacked out due to a drug overdose, their neighbors who had heard the fighting called the cops which in turn, saved Honeysuckle’s life as she was escorted to the Hospital and had her stomach pumped...Her boyfriend arrested as the officers found drugs in the apartment and on his person.
The next 3 years, Honeysuckle would spend her time getting herself clean, her band taking a hiatus while she did so. It gave her plenty of time to realize she had lost her way for the 5 years...But now...She wanted to change that. Heading out of her new apartment’s balcony, she lit up a cigarette, taking a long drag before holding and exhaling, leaning over the fence as she looked out into the city...She thought about her mother, her brother...The friends she had come to see as family...She owed it to them, and to herself to keep clean and better herself.
She would softly chuckle to herself, “Guess I could call myself...The ghost of Ohio.”
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NEEEEEEEED to stop stressing over shit i should not be stressing over
#rant time !#ok so libra girl complains nonstop about her supposed best friend bc she is actually is kind of a shitty person#like shes envious of libra girl (confirmed) and she got engaged and didnt even tell her??? and she didnt care when lg had to change class#periods or congratulate her when she got a job and actually said some rly unsupportive stuff anyways just a rly shitty best friend i guess#n lg herself said their friendship wont ever be the same but shes WAYYYY too fucking forgiving and now shes at her house having a sleepover#🤡#n theyre going to an open bar party together w the dude who was an asshole to lg it's a whole mess#and i guess im just tired of being a fucking clown??? like i know we're friends but im tired of being treated like a therapist#i WILL help u when ur upset if we're friends. i also have the right to be tired when u come crying to me about the same bullshit over n ove#bc of your own choices?? like shes always like 'guess what she did now 🙄🥺😔' n then go back to being friends w her like nothing happened?#?????? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.#if she's so awful literally stop being her friend?? bc then next time she inevitably fucks u over im gonna be the one listening to your#laments???? and im quite frankly fucking tired and done with this type of people honestly it's so annoying to me#my mom does this to me bc of my stepdad too and it's SO. FUCKING. INFURIATING#like i care about your hurt. the first time. n then the second. n then third too maybe but when this shit gets to like#4 times in under 6 months??? i literally dont give a shit anymore. bawl ur fucking eyes out for all i care i dont give a shit#like i had to yell at my mom for her to stop doing this shit i am NOT your therapist!!#do NOT waste my time and advice on shit ur just gonna do again!!!!! if u dont care i aint gonna be the one to!!!!#also kind of unrelated but one of our mutual friends was hitting on me before the pandemic but then we literally never talked again#except in the gc until shang chi n then we started talking again n it's so stressful not knowing if theres something there or not??#n i know he n libra girl hit on each other constantly for a whiiiile now which just makes things worse ? 😀#it's like yea i want him but does he want me? i know he wants her n she wants him n i dont want them to want each other#thats the bisexual dilemma ig we all go through it sometime#also i cant stop projecting onto him but at least im aware of it jdndkfkdkfkd#he's just way too fucking nice#mari.txt#personal#dl
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lilstinky
[[MOR] hm speaking of slurs people shouldnt use...
AUGH i literally hate that word more than anything…..comparing it to the word stupid is literally bonkers djdjbendofidn augh the critical thinking skills….so powerful
RIGHT like i thought i was just superbly overreacting even the people in their notes when they started asking for feedback ranged from those friends going “lol what the fuck is anon talking about” to handling op with kid gloves like “yeah maybe its a bad word :(((” or “i mean i wouldnt call it a SLUR bad it seems a little like it could be read as misogynistic a liddle bit :((” to “well i know some sw’ers who dont like it or something??” and it just 1) pissed me off and 2) broke my heart like literally i thought this was common knowledge like......not to use language like that so casually ESPECIALLY as a dude like WHAT
#lilstinky#they were clowning a lesbian friend for Having A Gay Moment and like friendly or not its just...#it feels so vastly inappropriate and NO ONE ELSE seemed to be saying so besides the other anon who called them on it its just#so fucking tiring!!!#like. i dont gender but im perceived probably as a woman id guess and even self-depreciatingly saying im b*tchy like#its something i flit in and out of consciousness about using which i need to work on but its like regardless of how i fall on#Appropriateness Of Me Using It its STILL such a fucking loaded word and thats MUCH less actively Loaded than THAT word#not even like...getting into how theyre ace and jokingly posting about their friends all being wh*res like are you serious#even jokingly saying that and imitating that rhetoric is fucking bonkers to me#i guess like...i dont have a ton on my plate so i end up obsessing over language+internal processes+vetting posts or whatever a LOT#but it feels.......SO basic like you can have hobbies and still know not to call people That it cant take up THAT much internal space
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,
#SCREAMS IN A MAJOR AND MINOR AT THET SAME GODDAMN TIME I FUCKING /HAAAATTTEEEEE/ MYM FUCKIN JOB#I DONT?? REALLY?? I DUNNO IM JSUT. MAD N FRUSTRATED NSHIT WITH MYSELF AGAIN ND I DUNNO WHY#AND ITS!!! FRUSTRATING!!!! WHY ARE WE FUCKIN ANGRY ME. WHAT IS IT. WHO PEED IN YOUR GODDAMN CHEROES YOU /CLOWN/#LIKE I WANNT TO DO THINGS AND IM JUST NOT DOING THE THINGS AND THE FUCKIGN THINGS /RIGHT THERE JUST FUCKIGN GET THE SHIT/#/JSUT GET THE SHIT AND DO THE THING YOU STUPID RAT FUCK JSUT GODDAMN DO IT WHY ARE SYOUY SITTING AND SCREAM TYPING LIKE SOME FUCKIGN#STUPID ASSHOLE. SOME ABSOLUTE RAT FUCKING BASTARD. GET OFF YOUR ASS STOP IT STOP BEING DUBM HTE TABLETS RIGHT THERE JUST DRAW SOMETHING/#LIKE I AHVE ALL HTIS SHIT I WANNA DO AND DRAW AND WRITE AND I JUST CANT GET MYSELF TO DO IT ANDN ITS SO!!! FUCKIGN!!!!#FRUSTRATING!!! AND I JFSUT FEEL LIKE IM A BURDEN TO MY FRIENDS N EVERYONE AND SO I JSUT#CUT THE MIDDLEMAN AND IM SO??? SO LONELY AND ITS A SELF-MADE LONLINESS BC I HAVE PEOPLE I CAN TTALK TO#BTU ITS A MATTER OF 'WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO THEM STOP IT YOURE BOTHERING THEM AND BEING WEIRD'#AND ITS LIKE PULLING TEETH TO JSUT. TALK TO SOMEONE AND TYR AND REACH OUT AND RESPOND ANDN#LIKE!!! FUCK!!!!!!!! I DUNNO!!!!!! IM JUST. REally really tired i guess!!! i dunno i jsut. feel like i dont...deserve??? good shit??#like friends and being happy ebecause like- i dunno maybe ive been on the ass end of some shitty stuff for a reason or something maybe#like i jsut. should give up nd stop trying cuz its!! im not... necessary? like i could just stop being around and shit would be the same#and just go on like nothing really happened or like i was never there and i dunno i got like. bad abandonment issues and shitty habits that#involve just. dropping a reply and then running and hiding bc im scared of the response i might get bc its#happened...before... and i tyr to get out of the mindset that if i speak up osmeones gonna get mad at me#like!! i told one of my older friends that i was uncomfortable with rping with her cuz she said she had a crush on me or something???#and then she jsut. goes and pulls this angsty 'look at what YOU did to him. you broke his heart. YOU did this.' kinda response#as apposed to jsut kinda!!! not!! doing that andn then went on about how she could've made him like#hurt...my character... in a way she shouldnt have and like!! i dunno im tired btu like#im. not sure where i was going with this hrjkmfsdgmsd msorry
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#wondering if maybe i should shout into the void more on tumblr#i feel like og textposts are easier to bury on tumblr than on twitter so like ig i feel less shy screaming here#also by virtue of the fact that talking in the tags feels less loud than composing a whole ass tweet#hmmmmm i think i keep clowning myself bc i say that my character development is that i no longer hate myself but then i keep entering rando#'haha Jokes i guess'#AHHHHHH theres something deeply satisfying in a masochistic way in following ur spiral of thoughts and pushing deeper into the things that#like scratching an itch but its twisting a knife instead#i feel Self Loathing in this chilli's tonight#LOL i just remembered that i have irls following me on here#maybe this is less void shouting#oh well i will just bury this with reblobs of Silly Memes and pretend i am the dandiest person on earth#i feel Awful#for no reason#jk i know the reason or at least i know what it was that set me off but its always stupid and insignificant so i feel embarrassed voicing w#no thoughts head empty#im tired of being perceived i just want to exist in a vacuum#actually no i dont bc getting lost in my own head is scary sometimes#i just wished i didnt have to think about the fact that I Exist to other people and they probably have thoughts about me#awful#fucking awful#personal#tumblr is cutting off some of my tags this is bullshit#oh well im Literally Too Fucking Lazy to fix it
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UTIL Plays Phoenix Wright: Justice For All (Case: Turnabout Bigtop... *sighs*)
(We had a drinking game going on while playing this case, if you would like to play your own version of the Turnabout Big Top drinking game, you can find it HERE )
- “Time for the worst case”
- “Breaking news: spirit channeling is a STEM FIELD! NOT magic.”
- Phoenix VA: “Alright pearl you’re gonna learn about gay people”
Pearl VA: “I hope you have a good night and learn about gay people like me”
Franziska VA: “Oh I think he already knows sweetie”
- Pearl “I wanna be gay when I grow up” Fey
- Max :“you’ve got to be pulling my magic wand”
Everyone in call collectively: NOPE,NO NO NON O
- “Are those homestuck horns on his desk?”
“It’s a moustache!”
*unanimous chanting* “Model magic moustache!”
- Miles VA: “I like knitting”
Franziska VA: “And I like coins”
Together: “We did not come out of the same loins”
-"cotton eyed m--"
"HOW BOUT COTTON EYE NO?????"
-Gumshoe VA: "Maybe I did wanna be a magician, maybe I didn't. what are you, a cop?"
-”Why does Moe have a set of suspenders that have such a defined butt?”
“THOSE PANTS IMPLY MOE HAS A DUMPTRUCK ASS”
- Moe: Appears for the first time and tells his first joke
Entire VC: silent as everyone takes a drink
- Maya: “Phoenix Laugh!”
Phoenix VA:“Har, Har, Har, Har, Har *opens flask* har har **takes sip*”
- “We all have a metaphorical carrot in front of our faces…or something”
- “Guys, does Moe Fuck???
“OBJECTION: no one wants to hear the answer to that”
“Well he’s got that Dumptruck Ass”
“Moe the clown more like Hoe the clown”
- “What if we kissed under the carrot mistletoe and we were both clowns”
-We uncovered the collective truth that Manfred von Karma, like every single other person in the ace attorney series, is transgender, and therefore did not need to sleep with anyone to create Franziska
- “The straightest character in this series is Trilo ‘cause he’s made of wood”
- Everyone refusing to read any lines of dialogue relating to the marriage / relationship between a child and a grown adult & Casually just skipping entire sections of dialogue because none of us have the emotional willpower to voice act them.
- Trilo Voice: nipples!
- “WE CANT SAY # GIRL IN THIS COURTROOM!”
- “Bitter love tria” *cuts off mid-sentence due to psychic damage*
- “ I cant believe I dodged a fucking bullet by voicing the clown”
- “How do you respond to this?”
*Someone’s bottle making a swish noise as everyone takes a drink*
“The Foley of it all”
- Franziska Voice: he’s my poor little meow meow
- “I’m never forgiving this game for west clownadelphia”
-“Have you met my proctologist? Dr. Seymour Butts!!’
“OH MY GOD LARRY’S DAD?!”
“Everything is circling back to Moe’s ass...”
- Miles VA: This is why I left the country
Franziska VA: IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING WE DID IN OUR CHILDHOOD PLEASE PICK ME UP IM SCARED
- Mii Sports ‘Nice Shot’ plays every time Franziska whips someone
- Moe: Trauma dumps in a court of law
2 seperate people: Sir this is a wendys
- “I’ll talk as long as you want!”
UTIL greek chorus: ~Please Don’t~\
- “my poor little honk honk”
- “Something is toying with this court and it’s not me”
“IT’S THE GODDAMN PUPPET”
- “I don’t know why (im so tired)- actually i do. it’s because we’re playing bigtop”
- Actively replacing the word ‘sweetie’ with any word starting with the letter S
-*long pause of silence*
“I think his nipples are the roses”
- “Max has a big... bust?”
“We get it Phoenix, you’re a tits man!”
-”(Max’s Bust) Went missing 5 days ago”
“HE HAD TOP SURGERY 5 DAYS AGO?!”
“Teetus Deleteus”
- *Call dead silent except for the voice actors during the ‘Prosecutor Edgeworth chooses Death’ discussion*
*The moment the scene ends* “WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS IN TURNABOUT BIGTOP?!
- “Miles Edgeworth chooses Bed”
-“Ooh ooh ah ah come here my little pogchamp”
Money: Instantly starts attacking Phoenix
“ I guess he didn't like being called pogchamp”
- “I want to get to the end so i can get a shirt or pin saying ‘I survived the big top’”
(Note: Everyone who made it to the end got a server role called ‘I survived Turnabout Big Top)
-“Moe is Regina’s uncle because he was dating the ringmaster”
“The ringmaster is his rebound from his breakup with Manfred”
“Terrible work everyone”
- “~Because it’s turnabout big top and life is a Fucking Nightmare~!”
- Entire VC, entering HOUR 6 of this case: “This is the case that never ends! It goes on and on my friends”
-‘Nothing can interrupt me expect death itself”
*very quietly in the distance* ‘nice shot’
-Leon: *Bites Bat*
“WAS THAT THE BITE OF’ 87?!”
-Phoenix: Deep, deep down I know you want to do good
Franziska and Edgeworth: *hissing*
-Acro: *Starts Crying*
*in the distance* nice shot\
-Edgeworth: *Appears at the ending scene*
Franziska VA: THATS MY BROTHER
“Turnabout Bigtop, The End”
Entire VC: *ERUPTS IN CELEBRATORY SCREAMS*
BONUS ROUND: Alternative Names for Turnabout Big Top:
Turnabout Please Stop
Turnabout Big Top: It Only Gets Worse
Turnabout Nice Shot
VIDEO VERSION: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhpeReADAoM
#UTIL meets AA#ace attorney#GOD THIS WAS A HELL OF THE NIGHT#It was fun but god is bigtop still fucking bigtop#it took us 7 hours to get through this case#and thats with skipping dialogue and having a guide up#THANKFULLY next week is Farewell my Turnabout#and yes! Fully recorded and will be uploaded within the next coming days
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summary: a closer look at the most exclusive group chat in all teyvat. we have two oblivious idiots in love, two horny bastards afraid of their feelings, a grumpy cat and his sunshine boyfriend and one very single and tired girl... among many many others
warnings: swearing, probably some angst
info: crack fic, multi-chaptered, social media au, not much difference they just have phones lmao
pairings: childe x kaeya // xiao x venti // zhongli x diluc
+ lumine and other characters
requests: open
posted: 14/02/2022
a/n: sooo lumine x thoma anyone? it’s only chapter 7 so nothing’s set in stone yet, also i kinda like them just being like flirty and lumine crushing on thoma just for the sake of it with no like deeper feelings - at least for now so we’ll see how it goes lol +tomorrow’s valentine’s day so any pairing y’all want more than others in the next chapter?
PREV II MASTERLIST II NEXT
CHAT: R.I.P. KAEYA ☠️
⮡ members: lumine / diluc / xiao / venti / childe / kaeya / zhongli / thoma
lumine: omg
lumine: OMG
lumine: OMGOMGOMG
lumine: why is no one online
lumine: guysssss
lumine: stop being in love and come here
lumine: i need to gossip
lumine: pls
diluc: stop spamming
lumine: no
lumine: you go away
diluc: okay
diluc left the group.
lumine: not like that
lumine: fuck, now i feel bad
lumine added diluc to the group.
diluc: ?
lumine: i didn't mean it like that
lumine: don't be mad?
diluc: I'm not
lumine: you sure?
diluc: yes
lumine: 100%?
diluc: yes
lumine: as sure as you're sure about being in love with zhongli?
diluc: lumine.
lumine: okay, okay, you can go back to being in love now 🙄
lumine: just mute the chat or sth cuz I'm gonna spam more
diluc: 🤦♀️
lumine: anyway!!!
lumine: @kaeya @venti you fake friends come here
lumine: i can't keep this inside any longerrrrr
thoma: what about me? good enough?
lumine: i wanna say yes so badly...
thoma: but?
lumine: but you're new here and I can't expose myself like that right away asdfhhjkl
thoma: cute
lumine: THOMA
lumine: asdfghjklakddhh
lumine: omg
thoma: 😏
lumine: ahhhhhh
lumine: i hate it here
thoma: okay, I'll leave you be
thoma: for now 😈
lumine: omg, y'all I'm in love with thoma
thoma: 😘
lumine: 🥵
thoma: 💦
thoma: 🔥
thoma: fuck, i really have to go
lumine: 💔
thoma: but we're definitely picking this up later
lunine: 🖤
lumine: @kaeya TRUTH OR DARE?
lumine: 😈
kaeya: fuck you
lumine: welcome back baby
childe: don't call him baby
lumine: make me
childe: you can't handle me baby girl
kaeya: @childe don't call her baby girl
lumine: 🤡🤡🤡
lumine: @venti i need you! i can't be left with those clowns
lumine: @xiao you here?
xiao: yes
lumine: is venti with you?
xiao: no
lumine: tag him
xiao: @venti
venti: hi, love!! 🎉
lumine: you're so weak
xiao: 🖤
venti: aw, i miss you baby
xiao: where are you?
lumine: guess this is a xiaoven chat now 🤡
venti: you're so cute but I'm fine
venti: i can wait till tomorrow to see your pretty face
kaeya: @lumine this is a xiaoven world and we're just living in it
xiao: for the record, i miss you too
venti: omg pls marry me
xiao: 🖤
lumine: 😑
lumine: STOP IT, I’M LONELY
lumine: AND WE’RE HERE FOR A REASON
kaeya: and what is the reason?
lumine: i saw something
lumine: i saw someone
lumine: holding hands
lumine: wanna guess?
venti: you’re not talking about who i’m thinking about, right?
lumine: 👀
venti: LUMINE OMG
venti: pls tell me you have photos of diluc and zhongli holding hands asdfghjkl
lumine: nooo T.T
lumine: they saw me before i could even reach for the phone
lumine: BUT OMG
lumine: dads are so in love i wanna cry
lumine: head empty jus soft zhongli and diluc
kaeya: wait, so are they like...
lumine: idk
lumine: diluc got all flustered when i came up to them
lumine: but zhongli didn’t let go of his hand
lumine: im emo
childe: the legend says they’re still holding hands to this day
venti: lmaooo
lumine: @xiao ask zhongli if they’re dating
lumine: you’re like a literal son to him
xiao: no
lumine: @venti tell xiao to ask if zhongli is dating diluc
venti: baby, pretty please?
xiao: okay
venti: love you, my windblume
lumine: 🤮
xiao: 🤨
lumine: #XiaoAndVentiForever
venti: that’s better 😎
xiao: zhongli says he can’t talk right now
venti: do you think...
xiao: yes, he said he’s with diluc
kaeya: oh damn
kaeya: it might actually be happening
childe: i bet 20k they’re gonna kiss before diluc and lumine go back to monstadt
lumine: nah, it took them almost two years to hold hands, i bet nothing’s gonna happen
kaeya: they’re gona have sex
lumine: did you not read what i just wrote?
kaeya: yeah, that’s why said what i said
kaeya: imagine being pent up like this all this time
venti: diluc’s not as horny as you lol
zhongli: huh, so is this what you normally talk about when diluc and i are not around?
lumine:😳
childe: mostly, yeah
lumine: CHILDE
venti: @zhongli weren’t you supposed to be with diluc rn?
zhongli: i am, but diluc’s asleep now
lumine: omg @zhingli pls tell me kaeya wasn’t right asdfghjkl
zhingli: haha, no he was not. diluc’s been under a lot of stress lately so i suggested he rest for a moment
kaeya: #married
lumine: stress? what?
zhongli: nothing that serious, you don’t have to be concerned
venti: k, cool, so what’s the deal with you two?
zhongli: i think i have to go now
zhongli: goodnight, everyone
venti: RUDE
childe: honestly? i think we’re all wrong and they might be already dating
#genshin impact#childe x kaeya#zhongli x diluc#xiao x venti#genshin fanfic#zhongluc#xiaoven#chaeya#kinga writes#groupchat.doc
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GWAINCELOT ESSAY THREE???
[commentary voice] ah yes and this gwaincelot essay.... which turned into a fic was inspired by @nextstopparis and @little-ligi
GWAINE TEACHING LANCELOT HOW TO READ. and thats how they actually CONFESS.
imagine gwaine seeing lancelot trip up reading leon’s plan for the day, seeing him trying to understand it. and gwaines, hes a little in love. Hes. Hes a little hit with feelings for this Noble (tm) knight. So OF COURSE he CANT EMOTION and he tries to show his affection for lancelot without yknow being in ‘loVE’
he comes over with his swishy hair and bantery tone like “oooOhHh LANCELOT! Lancey! Hey! Hello! Can’t read leon’s goddamn awful handwriting huh?”
And Lancelots embarrassed and flushes red and gwaine thinks hes Fucked Up (and he really doesn’t want to fuck this up, this is the first time he’s actually felt emotions this deep for someone) and tries to fix it panickedly, like the Anxiety Clown He Is.
He keeps on saying sorry and apologising, and Lancelot, the EVER CALM KNIGHT GUY, goes “it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s nothing to do with you...” and then he hesitates. He HESITATES. “....it’s just that...” and then he BITES HIS LIP and gwaine thinks he might just faint there and then, “...i cant read.”
and now it hits him, gwaine, gwaine, who thought literacy was something trash and something he didn’t really need, realises how important it is. and so, yknow because hes kind of wrapped in those Emotions (tm), he pulls lancelot’s sleeve after practice, when they’re alone in the changing room. (and if lancelot wasn’t so tired and miserable, he would have easily seen gwaine BLUSH)
And he, shyly asks if lancelot wouldnt mind being tutored by him.
Now Lancelot is OVERJOYED, and he’s borderline CRYING because lancelot, poor old village boy lancelot who’d been kicked out of the knights of camelot, and had to become a MERCENARY and fight for masters who didn’t care for him, has NEVER HAD someone literally CARE about him so much. (Apart from Merlin. He loves merlin <3)
so now imagine lancelot waking up an hour early the next morning, and showing up into gwaine’s room. He knows gwaine literally doesnt sleep with a lock, so he just barges in, and starts shaking gwaine.
Now GWAINE sleeps like a Log (had so much shit going on irl, time to sleep it away) and when he opens his bleary eyes, seeing lancelot in one of his stupid v neck shirts over him, hes like “....h...helo??”
and lancelot’s all like. “We- werent YOU gonna give me reading lessons.” And gwaine nods, yawning (and in that moment lancelot thinks gwaine looks unimaginably cute, so cute that he wants to literally ruffle gwaine’s hair and run his hands through how silky and brown it is.)
THEN gwaine pulls on the dont care-ish mask, and makes his arms into a pillow under his head, as he leans against the wall behind his bed, in some kind of somewhat???flirty??? manner??? [i dont...i dont know what hes trying to do. On the other hand! Not does Lancelot :) ]
Lancelot, does not realise this is gwaine’s poor attempt at flirting - since he’s seen gwaine ACTUALLY flirting and this is like. Nothing. And its also poorly executed. Which is NOTHING like gwaine.
So he pulls gwaine’s arm, and half hauls him out of bed.
As gwaine’s head crashes into lancelot’s stomach, he can smell lancelot’s clothes. They smell of flowers, and cotton and everything so natural and gwaine, who literally smells of wine, and wood and Tavern. (And aftershave, or the 500AD equivalent)
[see here, see im trying to bring themes of dionysis okay. OkayyyyyyyyY. yours truly likes looking at greek mythology. And both these two complete dionysis]
Gwaine, in his sleepy stupor, nestles his head on Lancelot’s hip, who gives a sigh and stands there. One hand clutching gwaine’s, leaving the other free.....
....to rake through his soft, flowy brown hair. And twirl his fingers through its waves, and Gwaine cuddles in further.
And since Lancelot left the door open, Leon (the other bitch who wakes up at 4am to do idk nothing) sees them two...like that, illuminated by the SUNLIGHT behind them, and smiles a little.
And then he trips over the stairs, the moment is lost.
Gwaine and Lancelot pull away at the same time, and gwaine’s face turns back to “ha ha im a Jerk (tm)” and if he wasnt too busy trying to hide how flustered he was, he’d see Lancelot looking at him the way he used to look at GWEN.
They both blink and look at each other, understandingly, neither of them to speak of this again.
And then Gwaine drags himself out of bed, and Lancelot raises his eyebrows as he watches him (totally not checking him out) haul out a book from his cupboard.
Gwaine’s too sleepy for this, he keeps yawning and rubbing his eyes (looking like a cat, Lancelot notes) and Lancelot takes a deep breath, his eyes understanding.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“Lancelot, I love..” he bites his tongue, cursing his half asleep mind “..doing this, and love hanging out with you...I just cant stay up this early.”
Reading lessons, from now on, are at 1:30am-whenever Gwaine and Lancelot stop rambling about Odysseus and Circe and Telemachus
[i dont know any other ancient books apart from like. Ancient greek/Roman ones. So i guess. Its not historically accurate,,,,BUUIT this is a fanfic for a pair who had like no scenes together SO i think i can take some ✨creative liberties✨]
Lancelot has heard of the journey of Aneas from travelling bards, singing songs in his native old english. Gwaine’s eyes are quick at latin, and he learnt the flaws of Romulus and Remus in his pure latin. Gwaine’s a good teacher, and lancelot is a quick study, and it’s not long before they’re arguing over which Goddess caused the most harm in the Illiad.
Gwaine’s never met someone who he could reveal that he loved reading to, he loved doing.
Lancelot’s never met someone who he could tell he couldn’t read, and ask if they could teach him, love learning.
They make it work.
The other knights notice, of course they notice. Percival notices how Lancelot stumbles into the Gwaine’s room at night, bright eyed. Elyan notices Lancelot and Gwaine’s voices from Gwaine’s room opposite him; sometimes slow, Gwaine speaking slowly and Lancelot following; sometimes heated and passionate.
(They’re arguing. They’re arguing about how to pronounce Minerva)
Merlin finds the two, in the early hours of the morning - when the birds are figuring what song they sing today - on Gwaine’s bed.
Gwaine leaned against the bedframe, his trousered legs splayed over the sheets. Loosely braided, long brown hair fell over his closed eyelids, his mouth in a small smile.
And Merlin follows his arm draped over Lancelot, snuggled beside him, his head on his broad shoulder, every breath of wind pushing against curly black hair, making it almost /bounce/. His eyes are covered by the other man’s hair, and he looks...content. More content than Merlin has ever seen him.
He slips out as quietly as he came in, and smirks, hes gotta tell arthur they finally got their shit together oh GOD
Its no surprise to anyone but them, when Arthur pulls Lancelot out of training, and into his chambers.
“I’m glad you’ve found someone Lancelot.” He starts, his face geniune, his voice giving away hints of relief. (He thought he was never going to see his knight smile again after all the ordeals that had happened to him)
“Oh...” Lancelot’s heart sinks, “...how did you find out, Sire?”
Arthur blinks, taking in the change of mood in Lancelot, maybe it wasn’t anything important, maybe they were trying to keep it casual, hell they didnt want the king knowing.
“I- uh, I just noticed...” Goddamnit Merlin, and Goddamn his need to tell him everything he saw. (Merlin had advised him not to do this, as they sat on his bed after a long night. This was really his fault.)
Lancelot pales, and he places his hands down on the table beside him, palms slapping stone as he did so.
“Well, I guess I should tell you the whole truth then,” his voice is quiet, and Arthur steps closer, “Sire I am not of Noble birth, and was born in a village - as you know.”
Arthur nods, his arms crossed, but his Kingly Bravado fell away at the sight of his knight, and one of his closest friends, being this vulnerable.
“Yes I know, but what does this ha-“
“And we children in the village we-“ he falters, “-we were never taught to read.”
“Yes, no I understand, I-“ he pauses, Lancelot’s words hitting him a bit too late, this was about literacy?
This, this whole conversation was about literacy?
Not being gay?
Merlin was going to have a field day
“Sire?”
“I understand Lancelot, and is this why you feel a little out of place with the other knights?” He carries it on, with a smile, he has a few questions to ask merlin.
“Yes, and that’s why I asked Gwaine to tutor me from time to time, although, the sessions carry through late into the night, which may have been affecting my performance at practice. I’ll have you know that this is a temporary th-“
“It’s fine Lancelot,” Arthur places a hand on his shoulder, “You are still exceptional at practice,”
“Thank you Sire,” Lancelot twinkles.
✨
“Theyre, theyre not together?” Merlin cant stop laughing, tears streaming down his face, “theyre not TOGETHER?? oh my God arthur what did you DO”
They sit together on Arthur’s bed, drinking wine from stemless cups together, with Arthur recounting the events of the day; red faced.
“I mean, it was your idea Merlin.”
“I just saw them, and I assumed...I didnt...I didnt think youd ASK them.”
“What do you think I’d do then?? Let them be on their merry way.”
“Yes!”
✨
“Do you like me?” Gwaine asks, unexpectedly, one night, the moon vibrant against the loud sea.
“You’re...tolerable...” Lancelot says, a smile tugging at his lips, as the silver moonlight falls against his hair, a halo around him.
✨
The knights give them the look every morning, as the two of them stumbled out of the same room, more frequently than ever.
Sometimes Lancelot would throw on Gwaine’s shirt, when he’d crumpled his own beyond repair. Sometimes Gwaine would put some of Lancelot’s hair oil on, when his hair was frizzy.
They gave each other knowing looks when Gwaine and Lancelot started whispering and giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.
✨
And then Stupid gwaine had to go get fucking stabbed, and their delicate dance was like trying to waltz through a minefield.
Lancelot clutches onto Gwaine’s arm as Merlin feels his forehead with shaking hands.
“He’s burning up.”
“Infection...?” Lancelot sounds broken, and nods, fumbling with his pack to find some bandages.
It was just a simple quest; a save the day, get the girl, do various harmless shenanigans type of quest.
He’d half expected Gwaine to get the girl, and he cant help but give out a half choked laugh. Gwaine had no idea what hit him when she turned out to be the evil one all along.
He tries to forget that Gwaine showed no interest in her, he tries to forget that Gwaine’s been less frequent at the Tavern, he tries to forget that he hasn’t seen Gwaine with anyone since months now.
Gwaine, his beautiful Gwaine was lying on his lap, hot red blood rushing from his side, staining his polished chainmail with dark, sticky blood.
He’s been out for nearly an hour now, and Lancelot remembers carrying him, through the entire forest, forgetting his sword and his helmet and just grabbing Gwaine and getting the shit out of there.
Gwaine’s lack of self preservation was really rubbing off on Lancelot nowadays.
Merlin watches as Lancelot holds back tears, his own eyes stinging. Gwaine can’t die like this, he can’t die like this....
“hælan beorn adl”
Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and Lancelot could feel warmth coming back into the fingers he was grabbing.
He was coming back.
And then the weight of everything hits him.
He was in Fucking Love.
✨
“Hey.” Gwaine’s voice is rough from disuse, but Lancelot nearly sobs when he hears the voice.
“Don’t fucking do that to me again, amor meus.” He puts his head down on Gwaine’s chest; finding the hammering of his heart calming.
He shimmies onto Merlin’s bed, which Gwaine had been lying in for the past few days.
“Did you mean, ami meus?” Gwaine sounds tired, too tired to be awake.
“Huh? Did i say something else?” Lancelot decides to play dumb, a sparkle in his eyes,
“I thought I heard amor meus,” Gwaine pushes his nose into Lancelot’s hair, taking in the wonderful smell of coconut.
“Well then, at least your hearing’s okay, amor meus.”
Gwaine gulped, and was sure Lancelot could hear his loud swallow.
“Lancelot, I hope this isnt a big joke with me teachin you latin and all,” Gwaine’s voice is a little wobbly from the slee deprivation and the magic and the pain numbers, “because I’ll have you know that I really love you, and I cant go on like this any longer,”
“Its okay Gwaine, I learnt latin from the man I love, of course it’s not a joke.”
“The man you love? Who’s tha-“
Realisation hits him like a brick.
Oh.
Oh.
“Me?” His voice cracks, and Lancelot looks up, a smirk on his face.
“Of course dumbass.”
“Like I’m meant to know that,” Gwaine tries to keep his dont care-ish aura, but they both know he’s too exhausted to keep that up.
“mmm?”
Gwaine kisses him on the nose, and he wraps himself around him.
And thats how Merlin finds them later that day, eyes blinking as he stood there.
✨
“I’m glad you’ve found someone, Lancelot.” Arthur coughs.
“Is that what that whole talk was about???”
“Answer the question.” His words sound harsh, but he’s barely hiding a smile.
“I’m glad too, I’m Glad I found Gwaine too.” Lancelot blushes, turning to gwaine.
“Why are you asking anyway, Princess?”
“Oh just, making sure this time.”
#shit this turned into a fic#im sorry#uhh#gwainecelot#gwaine#lancelot#gwaine x Lancelot#gwaine/lancelot#i should post this onto ao3#but like. fix it up first#fun times#first tumblr fic yall#im growing!!!#IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN ESSAY WHAT IS THIS#gwaincelot#im SO sorry
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Maybe one day I'll snap and truly stop being nice because what @milfcommandercody said on my lil essay is very true and YES I do want to go apeshit and start calling people bitches but the second any person of color anywhere says anything that's not nice we get called a bully. Folks keep accusing me of bullying and also of being white, for some reason. And they use both of those reasons to be like "see now I have no choice but to be racist and just sit here and not do anything about the racism I pretend to care about because those nasty ethnics the ~milfcrowd~ weren't super nice and holding my hand and wiping my ass >:(((((" Soon enough I'll fully lose it and we'll just see what happens from there.
But like the bizarreness in being fully rude and expecting nothing but civility in response. For several months now I've been getting nothing but racist responses to a post I made about antiBlackness and the fetishization of Black death on AO3. Someone said I didn't really care about Floyd's death and that I was just using it to coverup up my real goal, which was splitting everyone over support for AO3. Basically they called me a psyop. People accused me of just wanting censorship. Folks spread lies about who the real author of the fucked up fic I was referencing was. And then people kept making it about purity culture (a vicious form of oppression women in religious fundamentalist societies have to suffer under where their value as a human being is tied to their sexual purity for their husbands--not about fucking fanfiction) and THEN they started talking about """antis""" mind you, I'd come in saying "you people need to fucking do something about racist fanfictions. Something. Anything. Because as much as it's a community, clearly most of the members don't care."
And I think the funniest part of it all was when someone sarcastically said "you can't expect all your media to be pure". You know. Speaking down to a Black person about what I can and can't expect for Black people in media. I said the world will end before y'all start respecting Black people and they went to the lengths of changing their URL. Which is funny because two posts down they had reblogged something about listening to BIPOC.
And another person made a comment about antis just wanting this and that, and naturally I snapped and they started getting anons about how they should stay safe and "I hope nothing comes of this I hope it doesn't blow up" I'm sure y'all have seen my responses to those. I'm not nice. It's antiBlackness. my Black ass is not obligated to be nice to folks who just straight up disrespect Black people. Chew on it.
But then I remember those people who say "hmmm they're right but they're rude about it so ultimately I won't do anything :/" and it's like woooow you really really don't care then. You never cared! Youve centered your ego in your "activism" and I stg if you check these people pages they hardly say or do anything in support of PoC. Or even worse when they talk about supporting PoC but then they just reblog racist shit anyways dnsknsks "performative activist" the call is coming from inside the house! Accusing me and my friends and my friends friends' of being performative activists because of tone. Because our tone made you uncomfortable. Because you're assuming that we're not doing tangible work to support the groups that we're trying to defend on here--which is clown behavior through and through lmao.
I don't know where im going with this. I guess I'm mad. This shits tiring. Its exhausting. it's anxiety inducing for me and all my friends. I know for a fact that if me and my friends all shut up right now about racism in the fandom, racism in star wars, and racism in general, those that criticize us wouldn't change their behavior at all. They'd continue to not reblog PSAs about racism. They'd continue to not bother educating themselves or others about racism. They're not in the notes of even the basically informational posts about these things. These posts hardly even exist on their blogs. They prefer to reblog and write essays about bullying and fandom drama and antis and all the other things (mostly white) fandom mom types like to latch onto. They don't care and they never cared and they have the nerve to say we're defending ourselves wrong.
(please do not reblog 🤗 I'm just ranting and there's hardly cohesion to this post. But feel free to comment if you like)
#CH posts#long post#racism tw#antiBlackness#antiBlackness tw#when i say im fucking tired#naur bc these people dont point out any problems ever on their own#let me stop before i just start saying names
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