#and i hate myself as well

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[fumifooms]

Chilchuck analysis speedrun: As a hardworking half-foot who grew up poor and discriminated against and had his gullibility taken advantage of multiple times in his early adventuring days, Chilchuck thinks optimism is a dangerous flaw. He’s stressed and strict all the time because his job is noticing details like traps that could get everyone killed before anyone knows it, he takes the lives of everyone to be on his shoulders, and with the way he speaks about it that probably partly reflects how he felt about taking it upon himself to provide for his family too. His life’s always been pretty centered around work and has become even moreso now that his wife left and everyone is independent, and due to past events he’s very iffy with bonding with coworkers. He thinks feelings and job are a disaster mix. Like with his wife or with parties hiring him as sacrifice, being open or having good faith is vulnerability which can get you hurt, so he processes and shows all his stress as anger instead of worry. Doing strict dieting probably isn’t helping the irritability what with hunger, and on top of being a hunger suppressant alcohol might be the main stress reliever he has.

His grey hairs are so earned

#Chilchuck tims #dungeon meshi #analysis #HAPPY CHILCHUCK DAY #You know what yeah understandable have a good day #Alcohol be a ticket straight to chilling out town I suppose #Spoilers #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #Thinking on if I should split my family masterpost into diff posts for max reach hmm #Anyways I’m def editing in the second page into that post that “I’ve got three people to think of here” sounds sooo much like that’s #How he’d think about it in a family setting as well. He works so hard for them 🥺 #I could have put 100 pics on this post to justify everything I mentioned but this is a speedrun for a reason. I’m planning so many #Compilations rn i need a break from rereading lol #He’s just here to do his work!! He just wanna do his work!!! #I’m always rotating him in my brain like rotisserie chicken :( Hopefully this doesn’t sound disjointed or insane to average readers #He’s always on his guard so he has a short fuse and his type of humor & liking for snarky remarks doesn’t help #Also bc he knows nothing lasts he has a very work hard play hard mentality where ‘dying doing something you love. Like drinking’ #Is nice in his opinion #This post makes it all sound so dry. Chilchuck is so messy thinking about him is thrilling I swear. This is concise but at what cost… #OH ALSO he has weird self-hate issues where he really values his skills but devalues himself on a personal level. #‘I am a coward. I only care about myself. I cheated on my wife (lying for no reason)’ etc etc #Can’t disappoint people and make them leave you if they already have no expectations and esteem of you 😏💡

[puppyeared]

beep beep im a sheep

speeddraw below the cut (audio warning)

song: "Cult of Dionysis" by The Orion Experience

#before anybody says anything i have never played cotl in my entire life and i dont plan to. but. crow showed me some narilamb art #and i. well.. HMMMMM kinda fruity if i do say so myself.. #also i wanted to play around with the lambs design and had fun basing their outfit a little on crusader armor. mostly the cloth in the fron #i dont think id last 10 minutes playing cotl. partly because i suck at strategy games and not hugely drawn to roguelike games #and partly because i think i would cry real tears if i had to sacrifice someone despite fully knowing theyre nonsentient npc characters #i must admit i think the world and gameplay mechanics are interesting.. havent watched any playthroughs but ive been skimming thru the #wiki pages. kindareminds me of binding of Isaac but i dont have the patience for those kinds of games sadly #also apparently u guys are getting a sex update so i feel like ill be in full blast of whatever comes out of that #i might draw god of death lamb because i kind of have an idea of what their horns would look like. but im gonna hate drawing an outfit ugh #noooo dont usurp god and reap destruction for generations to come youre so sexy haha #cotl #cult of the lamb #cotl lamb #cotl lambert #cotl fanart #my art #myart #videos #speeddraw #progress art

[samijey]

Jey Uso talks about the part Sami played in helping him transition to RAW

#sami zayn #jey uso #samijey #wwe #wweedit #jeysami #stuff i made #love/hate relationship........ i'm foaming at the mouth #NOT THE CANON COFFEE DATES #throwing myself into a well #wwe replaying their reunion segment over jey's voice talking about their dates was sick and twisted and i'm suing #CAUSE I KNOW YOU LOVE COFFEE #i feel sick to my stomach excuse me

[lunarin64art]

Sorry, I had to...😔

Drew this based on one of Bryan's recent Instagram posts where he's wearing a shirt with Kieran Culkin(Wallace's actor) on it. (x)

Since he based Scott on himself, I immediately thought of Old Scott when i saw this lol

#scott pilgrims precious little life #spvtw #spto #scollace #scott pilgrim #wallace wells #especially since the story of Old Scott is based on the author as well #also I hate spto so I'm proud that I managed to get myself to try and emulate the artstyle hfghfgh #but I guess I'm fine with the Old Wallace design(he'd definitely get white hair early from always dealing with Scott - #& fulfilling his own glasses kink is perfect too) #not that it makes up for how they twink beamed him #also I hope this isn't somehow disrespectful(?) to draw or anything lol

[susieandhobbes]

I can't explain this, but Black women looking young is somehow being added to the convenient excuses to not ship Black women with popular white leading men but ~not in a racist way~

She's strong and independent, she doesn't need him

He's a mess, she can do better

She should be gay! or with minor Black side character!

NEW: She looks so young :(

I'm obviously picking on this particular person but I've seen several people dismiss SydCarmy because "he's a much older, mentor figure! that'd be inappropriate!" And like??? HUUUUH???

Sydney and Carmy are an absolute MAX of 5 years apart in age. And while Ayo looks beautiful, 19 she does not look! Sydney went to culinary school and has worked at several fine dining establishments before launching her own business, common sense says she's at least in her late 20s. And while Carmy has more restaurant experience, he was a literal prodigy who started young.

ALSO, this is kind of an aside but where the fuck is Carmy mentoring Sydney in any real capacity?

S1 - she gets hired, 2 days later she was like "hey I redid your entire business plan because your shit is fucked, a day later he asked her to lead the brigade and then ditched her. He went to cater Cicero's party with Richie and once again Sydney was in charge DURING A POWER OUTAGE. She quit mid-service, comes back, and he's like want to start a restaurant with me?? Not as a fucking mentee, as a partner

S2 - Sydney is making the construction timeline decisions and present and participating in financial/loan conversations with the literal owners of the Beef/Bear. Sydney is part of designing the menu. Sydney is hiring. The only mentor-mentee relationship she's in is with TINA!

Does Sydney look up to Carmy because he's in many ways accomplished her culinary dreams? Absolutely. But people acting like she's some bright eyed student he's teaching to dice onions is fucking crazy.

#anyway i'm yelling #the bear fx #sydney adamu #carmy berzatto #sydcarmy #everyone is just so predictable and annoying #there was another reddit post #where the OP was like 'im 21 and my boss is in his 30s and i hate when people imply there's something romantic between us' #and i had to PHYSICALLY restrain myself from being like 'well sweetie #like do you spend a lot of time in your boss' apartment or looking into each others eyes under tables? #is he buying you custom designer chef wear? #no? #fucking ok then #let's get back to this fictional fucking show then shall we #this really feels so tenmartha in the worst way

[genericpuff]

vent post

#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once” #i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO #anxiety is a hell of a thing #and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever #i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up #and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken #but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship #i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it #i am cringe and i am free #self post #vent post #altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read #too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll #i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made #i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol #i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim #i think both things can be true #i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like #while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium #“perfectly balanced as all things should be”

[girlyteengirl16]

guys i’ve been sad since i was 5 i think im stuck this way idk tho

#i’m severely depressed #depression relapse #haha i hate myself #i want to kms #should i end it #trauma #mentally unstable #mentally sick #i am not mentally well #tw depressing stuff #i want to be okay #mental abuse #tw depressing thoughts #manic depressive #depressing life #depressing shit #my life is a joke

[oh-katsuki]

yk when someone dies and you just have to... sit with it.. and you're like... how do i tell people something is wrong. how do i tell people who never met them or knew them or spoke to them that something happened. and it feels selfish somehow to even talk about it out loud but at the same time for some reason you feel like you have to. like somehow you're telling a lie or being disrespectful or being self-indulgent. when the reality is that you just don't want to be alone in grief. but they didn't know them and even after saying something, you're alone anyway.

#i don't even know what to do with myself #for some reason #talking abt it here feels less intrusive than calling a friend and talking about it #but it still feels selfish for some reason #even though i know i just need to find a way to process #and i can't help but be like.. well i won't tell anyone because what if it's a mistake? #what if she's fine? and at home somewhere or in her kitchen singing? #or practicing for her next show #idk grief is weird #and i hate that i'll have to go to another friend's funeral. #tw: grief #tw: death #vent #personal

[royaltea000]

Talk about haunting the narrative huh

#hiccup horrendous haddock ii #hiccup horrendous haddock iii #hiccup horrendous haddock i #finally designing what I think they look like #the first hiccup gives me kind and mature vibes #I made his clothing older and more royal looking cuz they used to live on the mainland #i feel like grimbeard’s era was very piratey so that’s the second’s aesthetic #I wish there were more aus of them meeting in like a timeslip or sumthin #gotta do everything myself smh #I dunno if I hate or like the third’s belt placement #shoulda given the second a pirate coat or something he’s too plain #ah well -w- #my art #digital art #how to train your dragon #httyd fanart #httyd #httyd books

[gelarshiesprofruitboarder]

woohoo !!!!!1!1!1!1!!1!1!1!1

#blurrggfhffhddfhgh i hate drawing and art and aajhdkdhfkdjdd dies #mostly just drawinf men actually #hashtag lesbian moment /j #art #homestuck #alpha kids #jane crocker #roxy lalonde #jake english #dirk strider #janeroxy #cotton candy #dirkjake #i keep drawing the alpha kids. why. im not even a bit fan of like. half of them. and i cant draw them well. augh #why do i do this to myself #/hj #also this is with no refs because i had no wifi so it looks like shit #ok im done talking now

[mariusroyale]

depression kicked my ass today

#it won today #maybe tomorrow #ill make myself a cake and hate myself less or something #i notice i always make a cake if i feel like sinking into the earth #(usually cos baking yields a result that i like and feel accomplished for) #(it’s mostly therapeutic and rewarding if everything goes well) #(if it turns like shit im gonna kay em ess) #text post #i don’t remember whose art this is i just remember saving it years ago and it still feels the same #*melts into the ground*

[mechanicalinfection]

redraw wip ive been gatekeeping sorriezzz

#i hate what happened in that fuckass comic so im redrawing a specific panel because i hated how Nick looked #everyone was handled so poorly and i want to make it somewhat better #genuinely surprised how Nick didnt have grey hair with how overly stressed he was #oh well #ill do myself a favor instead #the mechanic's crafts #art #fnaf #springtrap #nick edwards #springtrap and deliah rewrite #need a new name

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[snackugaki]

big boy pizza, leo edition

#I'M FUCKING ALIVE #*torn clothes* #*disheveled hair* #*cuts and abrasions* #shout out to the bayside #haven't drawn the bay turtles in forever #and it's them who led me to a lotta you #<3 #is nailing bay style in a simplified and restylized way abolutely wrecking my ass? #(yes) #i'm never gonna be free of turtles #this is still my 'art blog' i tell myself #(tmnt fanart stretche well into last year) #i still can't find way to simplify this fucking turtle's shoulder tatt #let me figure out how to autofill my linework #and it's over #for who? #idk #previous snackugaki ig #i gotta post this before I start hating it

[curioscurio]

Got up early (for me), ate a light and healthy breakfast, applied to some jobs, took a long mental health walk with the dogs, gave one of them a bath, and even did some phone calls and messaging regarding my medication and pharmacy problems and managed to sort it out without breaking down!!! And! Showered!! Kicking ASS at mental health today

#im studying myself like a bug. with no judgement or compulsive self hate when i see the results. and then doing something different based on #those results #and its working #ive noticed that im much more productive when i have someone else to help or listen to. its a little uh sad because im not easily able to #to take care of myself and do things for MYSELF. but if its for someone else then its like i gain momentum #going out to clean out MY car? well i dont care how gross it is im not worth the effort. #cleaning out my car for my brother who i drive to therapy every other week? fuck yes its going to be nice and clean because therapy is impo #rtant and i want to help you stick with it and so we make it not a chore but lighthearted sibling time #like do you get it #anyway slow progress is still progress #the number of good days are slowly catching up to the number of bad days #post beginning of the pandemic 2020 was so brutal on me. moving back in with my parents especially #but i have a plan now . a real one. and friends to help me as well ! #oops rambling in the tags haha #long tags