#and i have always been treated like im a worthless piece of shit who should just clean cook take care of kids and maybe sleep

[christhopersturniolo]

୨ PINKY PROMISE ୧

Summary: Y/n finally confronts her abusive dad, leading to a massive argument, where she leaves the house.

Warnings: Angst, daddy issues, violence, cussing.

Notes: English is not my first language, so I’m sorry about any mistake!

୨୧

Im on the living room couch since my dad left the house. My eyes blink slowly, struggling to stay open. I see on my phone, 2AM. The big yellow light only makes me drowsier at each second that goes by. As soon as my eyes close, I hear the door opening, automatically getting my attention.

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. I watch the old man walking through the living room with a bottle of beer in his hand. The familiar smell of alcohol fills the room. He looks in my direction, his eyes narrowing as they land on me. “What the hell are you doing still up?" He asks with a tone of accusation.

I hesitate before answering, finding the right words. “I.. I was just waiting for you, dad.” I reply. The tension in the room is big.

"Waiting for me? More like waiting to nag me, you little brat." He scoffs as he walks over to the kitchen, opening the fridge and getting another alcoholic drink.

I feel the rage burning inside me, but I push it down, knowing it will only make things worse. “I was worried about you” I say, my voice trembling slightly. “You were gone for hours, and..”

But before I can finish my sentence, he cuts me off with a bit of a laugh. “You are just like your mother, always putting your nose where you are not called” He takes another swig from the bottle. I put my phone in my pocket. I start getting up, maybe going to bed was actually the best idea, but it looks like he still has things to say. “You're the last person who should be worried about me, little bitch.”

All his words just remind me of how much I hate him. Since my mom died, nothing has been the same. He started getting into alcohol, drinking every day. I have bruises from all the times he had ever hit me. I hate when he mentions my mom, like he didn’t even loved her. I turn myself to him. “It’s not my fault you go out to drink like a fucking addicted, just because you can’t stand the idea of mom not being here anymore!” I say. “And I shouldn’t be worried?!”

“You are just like her” He looks at me with disgusted eyes. “Always running your mouth, just like your goddamn mother.” He gets closer, his breath hitting my face. “If she was here, she would be embarrassed of having you as a daughter, just like I am.” He pauses. “You are just a mistake. I wish I had used a condom that night. No one can fucking stand you.”

I shake my head. “That’s not true.” I try to convince myself. Some tears running down my face, I just can’t avoid them. I feel more and more angry.

He simply keeps talking. “And let me tell you,“ He points an accusing finger at me. “That shitty boyfriend of yours? He’s just with you out of pity.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about. You don’t know him, dad.” My breath gets heavier.

“He’s just using you, like everyone around you, piece of shit. You will see, as soon as he finds someone bett-“

Suddenly, before he could finish talking, I push him away from me, making him lose balance, almost getting him on the floor. “Stop! Just shut the fuck up already! Leave me the fuck alone!” I scream, tears blur my vision.

But my father’s rage only seems to intensify. He doesn’t give up. He comes back, his hand connects with my cheek, slapping me across the face, leaving a red mark. For some moments, I froze. “I hate you!” I yell "I hate being here! I hate every moment spent under this roof with you!"

“Ungrateful brat! That’s all you are!” He affirms, louder than me.

“I hate the way you treat me, the way you talk to me, the way you make me feel like I'm worthless! I’m out of here!” I use the same tone as him, but this time sobbing. And with that, I start walking towards the front door, I open it.

“Sure! get the fuck out of my house! And I don’t wanna see your ass back here when you realize the shit you’ve made!” He tells me. I take one last look at him before shutting the door.

I start crying uncontrollably as I walk through the dark streets. I don’t even have where to go, I just wanna get out of this place. The only thing I can think of is Chris. I need him. He’s the only one who will understand me.

The panic just builds up as I walk the fastest I can to his house. Each step that I take doesn’t feel real. How the fuck is this actually happening. After an eternity, I finally reach his house. I ring on the doorbell, nothing. It just makes me cry more and more. I ring again, still nothing. Until I finally see the door opening. His eyes half closed, shirtless only with his pajama pants on. He blinks in confusion.

“Y/n? What’s.. What’s wrong? What are you doing here?” He asks with his husky voice.

“Chris.. Im sorry.. I..” I try to speak but the words catch in my throat, I’m only able to cry. He pulls me into a hug, my head buries on the crook of his neck as I keep breaking down. He holds me tightly, as I cling to him, my tears soaking his bare skin.

He kisses the top of my head a few times “Shh it’s okay..” He whispers. “You don’t gotta say anything right now, I just need you to breathe, love. I’ve got you..” We stay like this for some moments, until I calm down a bit.

He pulls me back from the hug, making me look at him. “Why don’t you come in so we can talk better, huh?” He questions me calmly. Chris leads me to his room, always holding my hand. As we get there, he closes the door behind us.

“Let me get you something more comfortable to wear” He looks on his wardrobe. As soon as he finds it, he hands me an oversized hoodie and some fluffy pajama pants. Once I'm settled into the cozy clothes, my boyfriend guides me to his bed. We lay down, my head on his chest as a pillow. He strokes my hair gently. “I hate seeing you like this.. Do you talk about what happened?”

I sniff. “It’s just.. Everything with my dad..” My voice shakes as I talk. I start tearing up once again. ”We argued again, but this time.. I said I wasn’t coming back there, but I don’t even have anywhere to go..” I go back to crying.

“Listen to me, you do. You have me, you are staying here for how long you need to. I’m sorry I didn’t got you out of that house earlier.” He rubs my back.

I sigh. I look up at him with my watery eyes. “Can I make you a question?” I whisper.

“Yeah, what is it?”

“Do you ever.. Do you ever regret being with me? Do you ever wish you were with someone else?”

Chris's brows furrow with concern as he looks into my tear-filled eyes. “Hey, hey, hey.. Why are you asking me that?”

“I don’t know.. My dad is always telling me how you are going to leave me and.. I.. I don’t know..” I say insecure.

Chris cups my face with his hands. “Y/n listen to me, those are just lies. Im not going to leave you and I don’t regret being with you, I love you.”

“Do you promise me?” He wipes away my tears with his thumb.

He extends his pinky finger towards me. “Wanna make a pinky promise?” His sentence makes me chuckle a bit, like a little kid. Slowly, I reach out and intertwine my pinky finger with his. “I promise that I will always be here for you, Y/n.” He smiles. “Now can you promise me that you will never doubt about it?”

“I promise Chris.” He gives me a soft peck on my lips.

୨୧

omg this end was so shitty

taglist: @daddyslilchickenfingers2 @orangelala @annamcdonalds67 @lilo7sworld @soso-scarlettolivia @junnniiieee07

#chris sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo smut #fanfic #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #christopher owen sturniolo #matthew bernard sturniolo #chris sturniolo fluff #sturniolo triplets smut #christhopersturniolo #sturniolo triplets x reader #matt sturniolo imagines #matthew sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #matt ​sturniolo

[myownpersonaldiary2323]

Ok first rant.

Lately I’ve been feeling bad; I feel like everyone in my family has some one, my mom has my dad, and my brothers all have eachother. I’ve told mom how I feel useless but that got thrown back in my face, that’ll be the last time I do that :) everyone always yells at me for being in my room all day it’s always the same old thing “ are you gonna do anything today” “ damn bro you’re lazy” they don’t realize they’re the reason I don’t come out of my room or my bed. Im tired of feeling not good enough it’s like NO ONE notices me im the forgotten one and anytime I bring it up I get treated like shit, it’s fine tho I should rlly j be used to it by now. One day I j want to be someone’s first choice; I know that if my family were to have a ranking of who there favorite family member was it go like this 𝑚𝑜𝑚：bro#3, bro#2, dad, bro#1, me 𝑑𝑎𝑑：mom, bro#1, bro#3, bro#2, me bro#2：bro#2, bro#3, dad, mom, me bro#2 ： bro#1, bro#3, mom, dad, me bro#3： bro#1, bro#2, mom, dad, me. I get it tho I wouldn’t put me first either. It’s like when they’re gone I miss them more than anything, and they don’t even notice I’m missing, and I’m starting to think that they’d be better off without me. Do you know how hard it is being the forgotten child? Everyone talks over you! No one ever listens! And then they blame it on you it’s always “ maybe you should speak up then!” And “ maybe if you got out of your room you wouldn’t be ‘forgotten” my mom has said some messed up things one time we were driving in a rental van and I mentioned how we should get one so she could be and art mom, she replied with “ no, I could be a football mom” she didn’t know that what she said had shattered my heart into a million different pieces, I get that to you it may not seem like it’s not a big deal but to me I’ve always wanted their approval and attention, I wanted them to see me how they see my brothers, my two oldest brothers play football and they expect my little brother to as well; the boys get all the praise and attention, while I sit there in envy. I started to think that maybe if I started to act more like my siblings I’d get more love but they j told me I wasn’t cute and to quit acting like that :) even our other family members act this way I’m nobody’s favorite, at school it’s always about them, people only talk to me when they need something. And then they wonder why I’m always so angry. They wonder why I absolutely fucking HATE myself. I hate being the last person to leave the table after eating, I hate sitting alone because everyone else already finished, I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being so worthless., I hate hating my body and the way I look, I hate feeling bad after I eat, and I hate that the people making me feel bad are the ones I love most. I getting tired of fighting back to the point where I’m j giving up on defending myself, I’m giving up on trying to talk and have my voice heard, I’m giving up on trying to have my parents love me and appreciate me. I look at people who are literally so close to their family and I wish I was them, I wish I didn’t get pushed to the side when it comes to how I feel. I wish I was some one else. Someone better. I wish I wasn’t me.

[sastiel-is-my-serotonin]

If I become completely inactive the wifi was taken.

#my mom is on a power trip and doesn't seem to realize how contradictory her rules are #she hates me right now because i couldn't help her how i usually do one day #i was having allergic reactions all day because a cat was let inside the night before and im deathly allergic to them #i was still watching them as best as i can but it was too much for my body at one point and i passed out #its still taking a toll on me because the fur was never cleaned up properly but its just me being lazy y'know #totally not something out of my control i got in a lot of trouble because i was 'faking' it and trying to make it about me #i get my moms health is terrible and she is in pain but she literally ignored my cry for help bc i said it was her partners fault #which it was he admitted to purposely letting cats in and their fur because he didn't believe i was allergic to them #my life is going great right now #yesterday the house was pretty clean and i had all my sisters showered and hair up something no one else can seem to get them to do #but still had to here the entire day that my mom does everything for us and im lazy and all these 'subtle' digs at me #real fucking fun #i honestly don't care as long as i have wifi #my life has always been pretty shit #and i have always been treated like im a worthless piece of shit who should just clean cook take care of kids and maybe sleep #my mom is just now the person demanding me to do so #it was bound to happen #i hope the wifi doesn't go out but idk yet so just a heads up

[akindplace]

i’m having a hard time right now. i’ve been through A LOT mentally in my life and i’ve been depressed since i was 12. im verbally cruel to myself. i’ll think about something i’ve said or done or i just say and i automatically call myself a dumb piece of shit. i’m in therapy and i’m on anti depressants but i have no friends and i’ve never had a job before. i’m 26 now and i want to apply to places but i get overwhelmed and anxious. i have anger management problems and i feel like shit all the time. i also don’t drive because of a accident i was in in high school that happened while i was behind the wheel and i feel like a piece of shit because i can drive i just really don’t want to because of my ptsd from that day. so i get paranoid in the passenger seat that everyone thinks i’m just a dumb lazy asshole. i’m lonely and i have so much to be grateful for but i’m ashamed of myself and i haven’t always been a good person. i’ve done some pretty bad shit in my past and i hate myself for it. i talk to my therapist in a couple of days but it’s hard. it’s a struggle everyday. i feel like everyone hates me and my family would of been better off if i was never born😢 i think about how badly i want to end my life but i just don’t know a way i can do it without mishaps happening. i want to be grateful for my physical health and my home and everything i have but it’s hard when i hate myself so much…

Your family would not be better off without you. Yes, you have a lot to be grateful, but it impossible when you are constantly telling yourself how worthless you feel. Sometimes we are not proud of who we became, or who we used to be, but we make mistakes. Anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome makes us feel like those mistakes are unforgivable, when usually people are not just good or bad. We try to be good, and hope we are doing okay most of the time. You are not those mistakes you made, you are not your ptsd, your depression or those intrusive thoughts that tell you so many awful things. I have dealt with a lot of intrusive thoughts before telling me how awful I was and I won't get into much detail but I know now I didn't deserve to treat myself like that. Sometimes, they still creep in. Keep taking your medication and going to therapy but if you feel like they are not working, try changing them, finding something that works best for you. You will also need to learn how to calm your mind down when you are having so many intrusive thoughts. I think it varies from person to person, so maybe ask your therapist. Please, don't wage war against yourself. You are most definitely not all those things you tell yourself.

You are surviving something so awful from a very young age, and that in itself is an achievement. You are so strong. Your thoughts might not let you believe in that, but it is time they start allowing you to. You are resilient. Try to intensify your treatment if you can and focus solely on your health. Clean your social media out of people who make you feel bad by comparison, and people who are toxic to you in real life. Try to find hobbies, things you can easily focus on instead of focusing on those thoughts. Take the time you need, but if you can, try to focus solely on getting better. Don't push yourself into getting better all of a sudden. Don't put pressure into yourself that you should be better soon. Just focus on getting treatment, getting more help, finding some support. Whenever those intrusive thoughts try to get you down, telling you what you should be doing instead, tell them you are focused on healing and nothing else. Don't try to fight with yourself for having them. Validate them as a part of who you are and tell them you don't need them right now. Tell them you are choosing to focus on x thing. It is better than trying to constantly fight them because it's so exhausting, and you might end up shaming yourself for thinking those things. Try to understand where they come from, tell them it's okay to let you go. Meditation can do wonders for that. It may be incredibly hard to meditate, but it might be worth a shot.

Ask for your therapist for more coping mechanisms. There is a very helpful type of therapy called EMDR that helps with trauma. If you can get such treatment, it does help a lot with unpacking the heavy load we carry with ourselves and learning coping mechanisms.

There are a lot of people glad you are here. You deserve to focus on your health until you feel glad about it too.

[jeonchan26]

Love Me Not(Park Jimin)

Theme; Angst

Warnings; Heartbreak, Saddness. Super Low Self-Esteem. 

Summary; You are used to the heartbreak. Why did you think this time was going to be different?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jimin, What are you doing here?” You opened the door and were surprise to see your boyfriend of 3 years on the other side. Don’t get it wrong you were happy to see him but usually he tells you before hand he is coming over. Due to his idol life.

“Hey babe, I’m sorry I just pop out of nowhere” Jimin said walking into your house, to the living room and sitting down on the couch.

“I don’t mind. We haven’t seen each other in weeks. I’m glad you are here. I miss you so much” you rod him while snuggling close to him. You love Jimin, he was your everything. After years of heartbreak you finally found the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with.

You felt Jimin stiff next you when you went to give him a kiss, with a confused look you asked, “Everything okay Jimin?” 

You noticed how Jimin was looking anywhere but you. He was playing with his hands. You knew what it meant you have dealt with it in the pass, you felt your heart dropped to you stomach and you took in a deep breath preparing yourself for what is about to come. 

“I’m sorry (y/n), you know I never wanted to hurt you right?” Jimin finally looked up at you. You saw it in his eyes, the guilt, the shame, the hurt every single emotion. You looked down at your hands scared to for the next words that were going to come out sooner or later.

You heard Jimin sigh, “I think we should break up.” 

There it was. You were surprise that you even heard him, it was such a low whisper that you thought your mind was playing tricks on you. 

“Oh umm, why? Did I do something wrong?” You asked looking at your hands covering your face, scared to show him the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes.

“No, of course not.” Jimin took your hands in his, you love the feeling of his hands on yours. They felt like they belong there but once again you were left broken. 

“I just, I just think it would be for the best. You know I love you but umm. I’m so sorry. I have to be honest with you.” You heard him say. Here is the moment of truth.

“I found someone else” There it was, you were so used to those words but coming from Jimin just broke whatever strength you had left.

“Oh, I see.” You whisper, wiping your tears. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you (y/n). I just happened. I didn’t cheat on you before you start thinking I did. I still love and care about you, but it isn’t the same anymore. We barely see each other and with my job it just makes it harder. She was there when I needed someone and I knew that I couldn’t keep doing this to you. Hurting you was never ever my intention.” 

At this point you were crying, covering your face with your hands. You thought Jimin was the one for you, finally after every heartbreak you went through, Jimin was your happily ever after. 

“Please say something” Jimin was trying to get you to look at him but you couldn’t. 

You took a deep breath and wiped your tears, you looked up at him and you noticed the tears slipping from his eyes. You wiped them away, “I’m really sorry (y/n) I never wanted to hurt you” He said. looking at you with shame all over his face. He was the reason you were hurting.

“It’s okay Jimin, I’m used to it. You aren’t the first guy to walk out on me. Ha I should of seen it coming though. You are this big idol and I’m just a regular girl that just graduated community college. Why would you be with someone like me? You aren’t the first guy, every guys I dated or was interested in sooner or later left me for someone way better. Ha I thought this time it was different but who am I kidding I would never be good enough for you” Your heart was hurting, you felt like someone was stabbing it. 

Jimin looked torn as soon as those words left your mouth, he knew about your past and how insecure you were about your relationship with him. He did the one thing he promised he would never do because you were it for him. He never picture falling for the new girl working at BigHit. 

“Does she make you happy?” You asked looking at your hands. 

“Umm, yea” you heard him say.

“Oh okay then...I will pack my things and leave”

“No, you can stay here. This is more your home than it ever was mine.” It’s like every word coming out of his mouth was tearing you apart. 

“Umm maybe just until I can go back to the (y/h/t). There’s nothing for me here anyways.” You said getting up from the couch walking to the other side of the room staring at your picture with him. You guys looked so happy, you chuckled taking a deep breath you looked back him.

“i’m glad your happy, I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. But I do wish you the best” You said.

“You are more than enough (y/n). Don’t ever think you weren’t because you are the most amazing girl I have ever met. You are caring, loving, beautiful just everything a guy would die for-” 

“But yet I wasn’t enough for you or anybody else in my past. Someone better always comes in and takes away what I love the most. There must be something wrong with me” You cut him off.

“(y/n)-” Jimin sigh trying to pull you close to him. 

“No Jimin, its okay really. Like I said I’m used to it, you aren’t the first guy to break up with me for that reason. I think you should go, she is probably waiting for you. I wish you the best Jimin, I swear I am so happy for you. Seeing you happy is enough for me. Please lock the door on your way out.” You place a kiss on his cheek, tears streaming down his eyes.

You walked away to your now room, and locked the door sliding down bringing your knees to your chest. Crying your eyes out you heard the door open and close. You knew Jimin left and now you were officially alone, broken and ashamed that you couldn’t be enough for him. 

Days passed and you finally decided to get out and get some fresh air. being stuck in the house was suffocating everything reminding you of him. You missed him but you knew that he was happy with someone else. You went to the park and sat down on the bench with your music playing on full blast. You were watching the people walk past you laughing and enjoying their life while you were hurting inside. 

You took a deep breath and looked down at your hands thinking of how shitty your life became to be. Taking another deep breath you looked up again only to caught a sight you weren’t ready to see, at least not yet.

There he was laughing and holding hands with his new girl. His friends smile and messing around him just having a good time. You and Jimin could never make your relationship public and seeing him with her in the opened, happy was stab to your heart. You dated Jimin for three years and not once where you allowed to make it public with him. It has only been a few days that he left you and is now holding hands with another girl showing her off to the world. 

“Was he ashamed of you? Is that why he left you because you weren’t good enough for him? Fuck why does it hurt so much?” You thought.

You saw they were walking your direction, you got up quickly and start to walk fast trying to get away before they saw you. You knew that they wouldn’t care if they saw you. It’s been days and none of the boys have texted or call to ask how you were but why would they? They were Jimin’s friends not yours. 

You were trying to get a away from them that you didn’t notice a group of guys walking towards you, bumping into you dumping one of the guys coffee all over you. 

“WTF! CAN’T YOU WATCH WERE YOU GOING YOU STUPID BITCH!” The guys that had his coffee spilled all over you screamed at you trying to wipe away some that landed on him. 

“Oh My God Im so sorry! I didn’t noticed where I was going.” You told him trying to clean him off a bit but he pushed you off him. At this point everybody was staring at the scene infront of them including Jimin and his friends. His girlfriend had left during the time you were running away.

“Don’t fucking touch me you stupid girl. Don’t you see what you have done. You got coffee all over my clothes! You better pay for this!” He said glaring at you. Compared to him he only had a few small drops on his jacket, you on the other hand were cover from head to toe in coffee. 

“I’m really sorry! It was an accident. I swear I’ll pay for the dry cleaning!” You told him looking down at your hands.

 “You’re worthless piece of shit. How can you be so stupid. What goes in that stupid head of yours.” The guys said while poking you on your head. 

You just took in whatever he told you, there was not point on fighting with him. No matter how many times you apologize it wasn’t enough for the guy. You felt his poking stopped when you looked up you saw a very angry Jimin grabbing his hand and glaring at the guy and his friends.

 “Is that any way to treat a lady?” Jimin said through his teeth. The rest of the members were behind him glaring at the guys. Jimin pushed his hand away from your head. 

“This isn’t any of your business man.” The guys said dusting off his coat.

“The moment you laid your hand on her in a public space it became my business.” Jimin said stepping in front of you. 

“Whatever man, she is just a worthless girl. Why do you care?” He said folding his arms across his chest. 

“Man you sure have a mouth on you don’t you. Just get out of here before we do something we regret.” You heard Jungkook said standing next to you. The guys looked at you one last time before walking away. You finally let go of the breath you didn’t know you were holding. 

“(y/n) are you okay?” Jimin asked turning to face you. You looked at the rest of the members them looking at you with pity before your eyes landed on Jimin. 

“Oh umm yea, thank you! I should go” You tried walking away, Jimin got a hold of your wrist holding you back. 

“(y/n) wait” Jimin said looking at you noticing how skinnier and paler you have gotten in only a few days. “Are you taking care of yourself?” 

You pulled away from him, pulling your wrist close to you. “I’m fine Jimin, you don’t have to worry about me” 

“You know I still care about you.” He whispered only for you and the members to hear. 

“Don’t okay? I’m fine. I’m not your concerned anymore.”  You said while looking at him with teary eyes. You hated yourself for being so weak when it came to him. 

“(y/n)” You cut him off. “Just stop okay, stop acting like you care about me. You don’t, thank you standing up for me but I’m fine. I don’t need you. Please excuse me” You said finally walking away from him, running towards your house. You knew it was a mistake to leave your house. 

Should I Make Part 2? What do you guys think?

Sorry for the Angst, I’m an angst person lol But I won’t lie I teared up a bit writing this story. We all know out boys are sweet angels, this is just a made up story. 

#park jimin #jimin #BTS jimin #jimin angst #park jimin angst #bts angst #jeon jungkook #min yoongi #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #kim taehyung #jung hoseok #Jimin series #jimin scenario #bts scenarios

[pnwswiftie]

I felt owned by an employer once. He was sexist and baited me into working for him only to turn the tables and gaslight me. And to be honest I’ve never pin pointed the feeling that has sat in my gut about him until recently; until watching my idol go through the same thing on a large scale in front of the world, until what has happened, what has been happening to Taylor Swift in her industry.

Mine was a veterinary surgeon whom I worked with in the past. I left the veterinary field and started a new career. The Vet (we will call him) moved away and when he came back he contacted me with a new idea to start his own practice.

He painted me a beautiful picture of what this clinic would be like. He said he couldn’t do it without me and promised me the world. I still remember the phone call where he said the words- “you will be my practice manager, my right hand, you could run the show and have a handsome career, I’ll make sure you are set for life, you will have an opportunity to buy into the company as well, to profit share.

He offered to pay me whatever my current job paid me. I didn’t jump at saying yes. I worked so hard to be where I was and this was a big risk. My now husband was hesitant and didn’t trust him 🚩 but supportive of whatever I chose (love him). Well, im the only one of me so a month later I took the jump and put in my notice. I trusted him.

I was hired on with one other person. A male, roughly my same age, overall a nice dude. We will call him Sam. I was in charge of all operations of the front desk and all aspects of the business side of things. I started every excel sheet for income tracking, taxes, inventory. I created every document, I created the scheduling program, I set up every vendor accounts. I scanned every piece of paper that came into the clinic doors, I set up our benefits. I answered phones I handled every single client. I visited clinics and preached to people our vision, so they would refer to us (we were a referral based clinic) on my days off. I did it ALL. I also scrubbed into surgery with the Vet and Sam, as there were only 3 of us running the entire show. If the phone rang, I would answer on a headset under my face mask and handle a client or clinic call right there, scrubbed in. I didn’t mind, I felt proud to show off my multitasking skills. He would give a little wink and a joke and the validation felt nice, like I earned his approval 🚩 when I did something above and beyond.

About a year went by and I was rolling in hard earned money, that’s for sure. I was working 7 am to 10 pm some days so I always had overtime. Sam was responsible for 1 thing- patient care, and I was responsible for LITERALLY everything else you could possibly think of. 🚩Needless to say I was getting worked to the BONE 🚩 . I was cool with it tho, this is what I signed up for right? We were growing and successful and getting BUSY!

One day I accidentally found out the pay gap 🚩between myself and Sam. I had been completely naive to the fact that we were not equals, nor was I getting paid “management” but that he made SUBSTANTIALLY more than me. I gave it some energy for a couple days and vented to my husband, then I let it go. Sam was nice, it’s not his fault. 🚩Maybe he’s just worth more than I am to the company, I told myself. 🚩Maybe he has a past history I didn’t know about that made him more valuable. It definitely should have been my red flag 🚩

My relationship with the Vet was kind of like a daughter and father but 🚩 only on his terms. Fun and playful and lots of “your our boss lady!”. It would also take very odd turns, 🚩 having to do small tasks outside my morals. In the office he would call me “the office manager, the boss, it’s all up to you, hospital administrator!” yet on the phone would call me 🚩 “the front desk person” 🚩“my receptionist” to other veterinarians. It bothered me, a lot, but I pushed it away. 🚩Who am I to be that nit picky over a title? 🚩He probably didn’t mean it or misspoke, I thought.

The tricky part is that I only have little under the radar examples of his abuse. 🚩 The ones you can’t QUITE put your finger on, that you can’t QUITE justify quitting on the spot but make you feel 🚩 worthless. They continued every day. He was incredibly sweet and funny, and then 🚩condescending and cruel. It was a roller coaster to try to please him constantly. It wore on me. I came to work and to deal with it I would make lists on scratch paper. Lists of why I was starting to hate my job. Lists that I would read in the car and cry. If I wasn’t cheerful he’d come in with 🚩“PMSING TODAY?” .... I’d laugh n bite my tongue. 🚩 That’s just being friendly playful right, he knows me well enough to say that to me, we’re like family, right? But every day I felt awful. And I needed my job now, more than ever. 🚩 He knew I needed this job, too. We had just put an offer on a house and surprise! we’re now expecting a baby.

Being pregnant changed things. I couldn’t assist in surgery and xrays like I used to. 🚩He would scoff when I would have to leave for prenatal appointments. 🚩 He would be caring and kind one minute, giving me hand me down baby clothes and gifts, and then cold and dry the next. 🚩Sam could and often would sleep in and no call/no show. He would roll in at noon and jump into surgery, acting like nothing happened, they’d joke together about women in front of me and being hung over. I was 5 min late once because of a traffic jam and had to have a “sit down meeting” about attendance. 🚩 I felt so ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED. 🚩 I had never once, NOT EVER, had work problems, attendance problems, behavioral problems, in my entire history of working. This job was my LIFE. 🚩 Was something seriously wrong with me???

The last straw came when I was 6 months pregnant. He claimed that everyone was having a private “check in meeting”. He told me at mine that 🚩him and Sam talked 🚩 and agreed that I’m not the happy bubbly girl I used to be. I sat with him in the shade of a big oak tree in the grass that has since fallen in a wind storm (ironically. He said I would be getting a $1 raise and that he wanted me to take on MORE responsibility since I could no longer assist in surgery and listed basically anything he could possibly think of to tack on to my job to make up for that $1. 🚩 all I could think was... how???? I was already drowning. I finally got courage this time and said NO. My lip quivered and tears ran down my face with 🚩 stress. I brought up valid arguments but looking back I wish my voice wasnt so timid. Or that I had the courage to call out just one, ONE instance of his inappropriate behavior. But lastly, 🚩 I asked why is my title “FRONT DESK PERSON” when Sam is now “Lead Surgery Operations Director (Who Does No Wrong)??

His response sticks with me to this day. It was painful and degrading and I will never forget it. After working my ass off and building this place from the bottom, the long nights and everything I gave them... I also will never forget his 🚩 smirk . “Well you see, giving you a title like that would be like rewarding a BAD DOG with a BONE” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

🚩I was devastated. 🚩And confused. 🚩I’m a BAD DOG???

I stuck it out for the remainder of my pregnancy, working the 12 hour days up until I went into labor at work. I trained a new girl on every process, excel spread, schedule I had developed and created. I put on a fake smile and wrote my scratch lists and re-read my lists on the way home and cried. I couldn’t just quit. I couldn’t let my family down.

We had our baby and stared at his tiny toes and fingers and cried every single day that I may have to go back to my hell job. I interviewed for different clinics while on leave. I was desperate. The vet was on a sweet streak- 🚩 sending us gifts, having his wife cook us meals and checking in on us all the time. He frequently asked what date I was coming back. He informed me that when I came back I would need to take the later shift and give the new girl my current shift. 🚩She needed it, he said. He said we could discuss the title of “lead receptionist” now and could 🚩 continue to work towards my goal of hospital manager. 🚩 I accepted but I felt sick. 🚩 I felt like I had to go back to work for someone who I couldn’t trust. I felt like he owned me in the worst possible way. (At one time he even tried to tell me I had half of the PTO that I actually had saved up for maternity leave, another 🚩🚩🚩 but I saved my paystubs as PROOF)

Today I work for the clinic that we shared the building with. When they heard I left they immediately offered me a position. The Vet left to purchase his own facility. He acted shocked and surprised and in disbelief that I wasn’t returning. At first it was tough, not gonna lie. We literally ate noodles for a year because I went down to part time. But the bravest thing I ever did was RUN ♥️ I now LOVE my job and they treat their employees wonderfully and equally and have real life morals.

I actually didn’t intend for this to be a novel LOL but even if not a single soul reads this, it’s therapeutic for me to actually get my thoughts down after almost 6 years now. My advice is to ALWAYS trust your gut. TRUST THE 🚩 RED 🚩 FLAGS. Don’t let anyone make you question your character. Never EVER ACCEPT being controlled and manipulated against your morals. Choose the future over time spent in the past (thanks T @taylorswift) and work somewhere that respects you. That pays you FAIRLY. Don’t be afraid to TELL your story too because this has to STOP (I’ve almost deleted this whole thing 13x) If it happened to me I can’t imagine how many other women it happens to. Anyway if you read this then holy shit here’s a hug and CHIN UP YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE NOT A BAD DOG. ♥️

[lupus-sanguinem]

Some lonely think think time to myself.

I don’t know when the spiral started and I don’t know how to fix it so let’s break it down into it’s significant components. 1. Family life. 2. Romantic relationships

Friendships

Self image

Why do I feel awful now?

-Made the same mistake over.

Why? - I just wanted to be loved an accepted. Find a way out of the loop with A. He deserves better than I could give.

I hurt innocent people. E. Gave them false hope.

I can’t depend on family life, they don’t understand. “Get over it and move on” I can’t depend on friends. I am alone. Shared friends with A. No trust. The only friend I have is tucked away in the south- she has a family to look after now, any stress will harm her and her baby.

Self image has always been shitty since the beginning of being bullied in school. I was never picked first. Never pretty. My friends pitted me- so much so that they go away and lie about who would have a crush on me. That would lead to further embarrassment on confronting those people. Im too desperate to be accepted that I would put myself in danger of older boys 13 vs 16. 15 vs 18 etc. and go along with what they wanted resulting a lot of sexual abuse and assault.

As of 2021. I put my trust in the wrong people. B. now all I can think of is being labelled a whore. Cheat. Horrible Person. I’m starting to believe it’s true.

Im just digging and digging a hole. A downward spiral and I can’t get out.

I take solid advice- “if you don’t like something block it. Delete it. Put it away” just seems to be getting worse. Hurting more people. Making people worry. Terrifying them. And for what? Now I take advice?- “don’t go to Uni if its damaging.” “You have to be alone to learn about yourself.” Fact is the more time I spend alone the more I reflect on the bad, I’m a worthless piece of shit. That it is in fact better if I disappear. Just end it. Be done with everything because what the fuck is the point in life? Especially when you are no one. A fraud. Imposter. All the great things I have done isn’t mine to to take credit for, I latch onto, rather leech onto people, in desperation that they may help me or rather save me, they have their own problems, own issues they are drowning in and I make things worse. I should make people happy and help them but I’m too selfish. I make things worse. I make people want to kill themselves too.

I thought I might have a safe space in going to the Uni but I never even flinched at the on going traffic. I imagined myself getting hit and having everything end. Or perhaps wait at a bridge for a train to pass under. The End. Finally.

I don’t know if this worded break down is helping or just damaging. people say to write things down and feel a weight lift. But all I feel is the weight getting heavier.

There are a lot of steps to recovery but right now I’m in the one that is the hardest. Im not sure what it is called. Grief probably. I feel like I am grieving a life.

Grieving for my inner child that has been violated and ignored until realisation and I’m trying my best to comfort her, tell her it wasn’t her fault but really it is. A child in desperation put herself in danger just to feel something other than anger and upset. She hoped to be loved.

I’m grieving my adult self for repeating this.

I’m grieving for the most important relationship that made me happy that it has come to an end.

I’m grieving for friends that no longer speak. They are in their happy bubbles. I’m grieving for a broken family that fucked me up. I’m Grieving for a dog that I don’t see but treat as a child. I’m grieving for myself. Alone. And fixing this myself without professional help because mental health services are in demand and are collapsing without funding and resources and there is a 12month waiting list… so really… what is the damn point? I’m grieving for a fantasy or rather romantic aspirations of being a W&M.

I’m in a state were my body aches. There are pins in my skin. My heart is heavy and sickly. I feel sickly. I stop caring. The lack of care scares me. The idea of death scares me. But why do I feel it is necessary. It Terrifies me that I have become this. and all these years I have been watching myself fall ill like I was watching a slow-motion car crash. a Slow motion car crash that I have been driving and all the people I care about are the passengers and I have injured, hurt and killed them. I deserve to be alone and suffer for that.

I’m writing these damned notes. I have one earphone in to keep me calm, or perhaps force myself to feel and sit with the pain that others feel. And the other out so I can hear my surroundings. To ground me to this moment. It keeps feeling heavier, my heart. And I feel it might give out at any moment.

All I can do is accept all of this information.

Just get on with life. Stop being an absolute weak morsel of a mouse. It’s true what they say. “You are truly alone in this world. No one gives a shit. And you die in the ground eaten my worms and insects alone.” I can reach out to friends and family and they just wave it off. but how many times do you wave it off until that person actually hurts themselves or worse? people only care when you are dead. That is the only important part. When you are dead and gone do they show they care and then start questioning “why didn’t I see the signs?” “ why didn’t they reach out?”

There are two things that go around in my head constantly, that is to blow a bunch of money on the people I care about and give them a letter explaining and apologising and just Ending Everything. And the other…..?? I just had it floating in my mind..?? it is now 12:30pm My instagram friend Chelsea, she has BPD, anxiety, depression and a bunch of other mental health symptoms that I do. I feel she is the closest person that knows what I am going through. Knows how it all feels. I barely know her. But the experiences and up bringing is all we have in common that bonds us together like some fucked up beautifully tragic ….??? I lost the words. But whoever is reading this. You get it…. I hope. She sent me a message after I gave some support. “I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way too, its horrible. I know we don’t talk much but you are still a good friend to me and you mean a lot to me, you always have, don’t beat yourself up over not being able to interact with others as well, true friends will understand your struggles and your feelings are completely valid.. pls remember that” I think In a split second I just have one little thing to live for. One Speck. Yet it isn’t fair. I can’t rely on this. And how long will it last for? I’ve been suicidal since high school on and off. It’s a feeling that comes and goes for me. But I haven’t had it this intense in years. I’m 23 years old and I feel I have nothing to live for. Nothing to stand for or have a meaning. I have no purpose and I am afraid that I won’t live until my next birthday. Put that into perspective. I feel like an empty vessel that has relied on other people to build me and each person has added a little thing but none of it is me. Whether it be music or interests or dress sense. Or morals. Each one advised but never created by me. being on the bus this morning around. I was watching people. Wondering how many other people feel like I do. If they step off the bus and that is it. They’ll never be seen again. The last person to see them alive is the driver. I feel that badly that I want no evidence of myself existing. I don’t deserve a missing person post or ad. I just want to disappear quietly. It’s fucked up. So fucked up.

how do I build from seemingly nothing? is there even a point? I may contradict myself back and forth. I want to live but what is the point? Did I even make the right decision to come and continue my education? Or will it cause more pain? Yet I will miss out on my bachelors and just be the only one in my family that failed and dropped out of University. I wanted to break that cycle and be the only one that got a degree and succeeded at going to University. Would they blame me for dropping out or would they support my mental health?

It is now 12:53pm and I feel somewhat better for brain spewing all over my notes. But at the same time I want to cry. cry and grieve. oh I remember the second thing ! - “If you’re not good at something or unhappy with something you can quit. Does this mean I can quit life? Because I feel it isn’t for me” RockBottom looks different for everyone. but I think this is my rock bottom. I have to make the ultimate decision…Whether I want to work to recover or if I want to just let go and disappear. and I’m not good at making decisions so there will be a lot of hurt before I reach that decision. I hope the media guys- Lucas, Ryan and Rob keep speaking and keep making fun because that is the only thing grounding and inspiring me at this moment. I’m not sure whether to be grateful or Envious that I don’t live in America. Because if I had access to a gun. I believe I wouldn’t contemplate. I’d just do it and be done. “what have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end….” “I will let you down and I will make you hurt…” I feel terrible sometimes for making fun of Nine Inch Nails, I thought it was morbid but now I feel and relate to it more than ever it won’t be long until I am painted as the true villain.

Whore. Cheat. Horrible. Ugly. Stupid. I deserve it. I deserve to be yelled at. To be hit. To be tossed around like a doll

Im giving up. I Fuck everything up. Everything. do I want to talk? No. push me out. Forget. Forget. Destroy, eliminate. Erase. Non existence. The ever increasing persistence of loss. I have just had my “same sad new shit” playlist on repeat. It’s cathartic. Stabilising. Comfortable in a fucked way but I Don’t think I could listen to anything else…. I think I might leave early. It’s been a tough day. I can’t stomach the idea of tomorrow. or the next day. or any day im sorry for what i have done.

the pain caused to you.

i understand.

thrive and be free. be good. do great. live great.

#trigger warning #venting #im sorry #i want to be better

[hauntedlikeahuman]

my higher power

Happy born day to my angel. Your birthday is exactly a week after mine, i was born to never forget you. I think about your birthday a week before i think about my own birthday, and a week after your birthday i’m still thinking about you. 

I feel like everything i am today is attributed to you. and its something im trying to understand. im trying to believe this makes sense or has the potential to make sense but. still just trying to keep my head abpve water 

its crazy cause you passed away about 4 months before the pandemic and quarantine and all the hate and violence and bigotry and heartless monsters were the stars of our collective nightmare. i was suprisingly unbothered/privilaged in 2020, in comparison to others. i was annoyed at the world for suffering after me and the people i love finally clawed our way to not suffering. then nothing healed, everything internalized and it compounded over that year of absolute chaos and pain, and it was waiting for me when i got out. which meant people were even less open to hearing about it. people were talking about suffering because they couldnt go to the olive garden or get a haircut. and through all of this shit i was annoyed at the fragility of people. the entire time i knew the world would be fine and would go back to relative normoralcy and adjust. I KNEW THAT PAIN WOULD END FOR MOST PEOPLE AND I WOULD HAVE TO PICK MINE BACK UP AND START. ALL OVER AGAIN

i havent made a new friend since you passed. i have not shared a piece of me with anyone. i feel a connection with no one because no one feels like you. when i think i want to open up to people, im always somehow reminded of how theyre NOT like you and thats all i can think about. its like trying to find people to connect with but you have to seriously lower your standards for connectedness or be alone and never have a true connection ever again cause you were the ONE and youre gone now, even after all those years of surviving. so fuck it. seriously, fuck it. i dont even care about being a good friend to anybody anymore. i feel like ive lost that ability because ive lost you so i cant see the good in people, i only see how inferior they are as loved ones in my life. people i love will lowkey disappoint me when they do things you would never do to me. you are always the standard comparison. its literally a curse. you. cannot explain any of this shit to anybody so what the fuck is the point if i can never get over this? i literally dont ever want to make friends who will not live up to you. it is absolutely a waste and being alone forever feels like the better option for my heart 

like i cant fucking believe im in this world without you. i will never get over it. it is the biggest fucking joke and i cant believe im forced to be here when youre gone and jude and noah have to grow up without you. i hate the entire world for that. im pissed that this is really how things have worked out. im pissed that we’re told in rehab that all our friends might die and you think theyre just serious about saving your life so of course they say that cause they cant be wishy washy, they need to be deadly serious. you KNOW the statistics but in this moment you still feel like a warrior among warriors and theyre saying that for all the OTHER people who cant stay sober... and 5 years later you suddenly realize that everyone really did die and they were right. and then you wonder if they even believed they would be right or if they were handing heroin addicts with gentle hands and sticking to the all or nothing bottom line because of how fragile that life is and because of all the funerals they have attended. i think about all the people who were in that room with me who are now gone and wonder if they thought they would make it. its like youre trained to never get too comfortable with your life. and you will enter recovery for the first time and feel like youre on a cloud and met the most amazingly strong friends and then slowly you watch them fall off, relapse, go to jail, get kicked out of rehab, in the. hospital with a blood infection or texting you asking you if you have any old anti biotics because they have an absyss and cant afford. to go to a doctor or have. a warrant or cant bother being admitted to the hospital for an abcess when you have a heroin habit to keep up on. the hospital is the least comfortable option at that point.....

let that sink in

the hospital is the least comfortable option for someone who sleeps in a park and has to beg for food and spend every waking hour in problem solving mode with only very temporary reprieves from the pain and the shame. and youre treated like trash the second people realize you dont have a home. its the most absurd nonsensical shit youll ever experience  and then they actually do all end up dying. i have a vivid. memory of the people sitting in that room with me who i didnt wanna lose..... theyre all dead. except one. i’m not lying... its really hard to not keep score at that point. my friends thrive and rebuild and change other peoples lives along along the way and then die at 4 years sober... literally am worthless compared to all the people who should be here instead of me. i still cant even fucking stand life. and sometimes i feel guilty and ashamed and mad that you left me here. and im fucking worthless in this world compared to you. i have not been able to get myself back in the gym. i literally cant do shit without you and im paralyzed without realizing it. when i try to tell people that i literally dont give a fuck about anything because i’m already carrying the greatest injustice of my life, i really mean that shit. im not exaggerating for literary purposes. these are things that break my heart in retrospect. 

it took me up until the first anniversary of your death to actually piece together the fact that literally the whole fucking world went to shit after you passed. i swear to God thats not a coincidence. shit i never thought i would never see in my entire life was happening right after you were gone to the point where i was so distracted with that atrocity, i wasnt even tending tending to the atrocity in my heart. 

im trying to want to believe that makes sense 

the first anniversary of your death came on the day the election was officially called a victory by Joe Biden. Literally what the whole world was waiting for, including myself. i watched people celebrating and parading in the streets and finally being relieved. i woke up with you on my mind way before i heard the good news and was quickly reminded that my heartbreak goes on. couldnt even distract myself with social media. i feel like i’m always the one sad on the days of celebration. and its not even about me just seeing some shit on social media one day in 2020. in 10 years this day will be in the history books my kids will read and i will hear about it in my classes in the future and i’ll be 83 years old in November 2073 and you will still be on my mind

[perdizzion]

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

#THIS GOT SO LONG OMG LKSDJFSD IM SO SORRY #I GOT CARRIED AWAY #i just....really wanted to explain everything as descriptive as possible #so i could help at least a little bit #aAAA #anonymous #answers

[noctomania]

how could i have faith id even find a suitable therapist? when i can always sense something off about a person. there's always that small sliver of them that would be so ready to demonize me or belittle. or a part of them i simply cannot tolerate such as casually racist or "comically" sexist. there is ALWAYS something, whether personal or not, that eventually puts me off a person.

suffice to say i think it best i not be close to anyone anymore. too much frustration and disappointment, and it is especially tiring that though i have most of my criticisms neatly folded and tucked away under my bitten tongue, others are free to criticize me at will without all, if any, facts.

there are things ive not talked to anyone about that i genuinely should. but it's not as simple as showing up to a stranger's office and unloading. I've tried unloading on a stranger before it does nothing. i need someone i can trust, someone who understands and doesn't try to reframe it as something else, or something less than, but accept that it is what it is and that it hurts nonetheless. I'm tired of feeling like im dramatic or over emotional when i spend 90% of my time suppressing everything. my family is so tired of hearing about it they just want me to shut up and go to therapy. that's all i get. they call, wanna know how im doing, i tell them not great but getting by, they bring up therapy like clockwork. all i get out of this is "we don't have the energy to hear about your problems please seek someone to pay to care". i dont want to talk to any family any more ever again. mom's side was almost completely absentee throughout my childhood, and dads is racist sexist white trash who cant admit they are white trash. i know i sure the fu k am white trash and im not mad about it neither cept for being poor. im at least one of the smarter pieces of trash.

and as far as friends and aquaintences idk that anyone likes me much as they claim. like even if people swear it, I can't believe it. no fault of theirs i just simply "know" I'm no good, because when i feel more confident i talk more and ive been told i sound full of shit. that has stuck with me more and stronger than any other comment that combats it. ever. or that any time i feel emotional im feeling sorry for myself. which has made it nearly impossible to allow myself to cry. i cried for the first time in months if not a year last week and it wqs after all the hurricanes and the las vegas shooting and everything had built up plus my personal stuff and i didn't just cy but had a full blown anxiety attack, unable to properly breathe for longer than 5 minutes without going back into panicked panting and my body forcing itself into fetal position in my bed, blankets tangling in my limbs as it wrestle with myself trying so hard to grasp onto any kind.of control. In the moment you don't know that it will ever end because it never seems to.

Bein the quiet kid some how turns you into a magnet for other people's problems. they think you're quiet you must not have anything concerning you. so they can dump on you. this has been the case for me since fucking grade school, carrying other people's emotional weights bc they couldn't handle being alone. but soon as they heal up they were gone. I've always been exceptionally easy to forget or to let go of.

so excuse me if i feel utterly worthless when i was born as an accident, lived as a burden, and continue to feel like a waste of space and disappointment. i just feel like deep down they actually feel like everything itell them about myself is some sort of attempt to victimize myself or something. and i cannot express how demotivating that is. i dont like thinking that especially when they intend "the best" but honestly if this is their approach what is the justification? i mean, if they think repeating what they have already said is doing anything what do they think of me? do they think im just refusing all treatment? that I haven't tried at all? what do they think i am doing or have done? what kind of assumptions have they made? I don't honestly want to know i just never want to talk to anyone again. im tired of being treated like a child or an idiot.

[floramodus-archive]

==> Flora: Confess

floramodus raddddia i know im like

floramodus half hammered and the past 24 hours hasnt helped me much as a mentally stable individual but you know what? fuck it man i love you and not in a friend way though you are! one of my closest friends i just i love you alot romantically youre a hellfire in the arctic and i love you

tlmetravel im sure you think you do, sweets its the alcohol im not angry at you for relapsing, as a side reminder for later need help sobering up?

floramodus i need help for you to take me serious for once.

tlmetravel i am

tlmetravel im very serious about you needing to sober up

floramodus im already half sober because dean hasnt let me have anymore since he got home the point is: im not saying anything because im drunk. im not clinging to you because im drunk. i just had to watch my fiancee die, again, in full detail. im not saying these things out of of my ass, aradia, i love you.

tlmetravel you had to see that? on valentines day?

floramodus i made a choice to find the answer and i did, timing aside.

tlmetravel im proud of you for it im also sorry you had to see it oh, my poor girl, how you must feel happiness absent so strongly

floramodus ///I HATE HER MOIRA

tlmetravel //:)c

floramodus your avoiding the main topic and at this point i want dean to leave so i can go get moonshine because whats the point aradia. whats the point in dancing around it instead of telling me cold turkey? what do you gain from seeing me falter

tlmetravel im not trying to dance around it so much as give you the opportunity to take it back once youre more clear headed

floramodus thats almost painfully hilarous?

tlmetravel why is that?

floramodus because once again you arent taking me serious and i knew it would be this way for months. i knew sober or drunk youd find a way to make me regret speaking

tlmetravel im sorry if i have im just not sure what you want me to say

floramodus is it worth pursueing or am i barking up the wrong tree?

tlmetravel you have such a penchant for making yourself unhappy youve already dealt with enough serious, life altering topics think you might want to give it a rest before tackling this one give yourself a break

floramodus love in general? or love with you?

tlmetravel love in general is life altering

floramodus guess what! cock a doodle do my life is altered always! thats how we exist! thats how we keep sane! if you want to say no thanks than do it aradia ive been through worse.

tlmetravel you have thats why im not letting you have this discussion right now or make it into something trivial this is a battle for another day go to bed, flo

floramodus im not sleeping till you give me an answer i can sleep with

tlmetravel you are so endlessly cruel to yourself

floramodus i can sit on this couch all night and all day and die again and gain radia.

tlmetravel you do realize youre just proving my point

floramodus i dont care ///i typed that so loud every dog in my moms house just went off

tlmetravel regardless, im not what youve mistaken me for, flo im just happy and i think you just want to be happy too you have the right to be, at any rate //fck

floramodus just say it ///FUCK THEI R SCREAMING AND I PRESSED ENTER BUT ANYWAY

tlmetravel are you really so deluded as to think that just because /you/ dont care, the rest of us get a free pass as well? that well turn a blind eye to your safety breaches just because you throw a tantrum? you have /got/ to stop doing this to yourself you have /got/ to stop treating your life and everything in it with this kind of dangerous levity so no! you arent getting an answer! youre not getting anything until you tuck yourself in and let yourself /rest/ before taking on any more

floramodus ///I THOUGHT THat said fuck

tlmetravel //let dolly say fyck

floramodus well i guess this couch will be cozy while i sit here awake for as long as it takes

tlmetravel you will Not use your well-being as emotional blackmail not against me dave might let you and the rest of your friends might but you dont get to press on my moral values because /i have none/ and you will sit, and you will rot, and it will be for nothing at all

floramodus ///tfw aradia even makes me, the mun, feel like a piece of shit i love her

tlmetravel until you realize its pointless and let yourself out of this cage youve built out of whatever survivors guilt you brought back with you

tlmetravel //shes amoral and ppl forget and I love

floramodus you may have no moral values but ill tell you what i have thats less than that? the fucks i give about my place in the universe. i spent 7 years of my life questioning my existence to lose that existence and you know? i dont fucking care anymore. my life is mine to burn ///i like how u posted that and i sent the same screenshot 2 seconds earlier to joseph cause im living

tlmetravel //do u know how. pissed shed be at dave if she knew he let her go through w those amputation experiments?  not v much bc shes incapable of being angry at him but shed Want to be and I,

floramodus ///asdfghjk

tlmetravel you dont get to play with fire just because you dont know what to do with yourself. you dont get to use your own life as a punching bag for your whims you dont get to keep expecting for these bridges to go up in flames when so many of us love you you dont get to look at love and call us stupid

floramodus i never even said any of you were stupid

tlmetravel then why do you keep treating us like we are

tlmetravel like well let this slide if youre loud enough

floramodus im not treating you guys anymore than the best i can ! its not my fault you take my life so personal! what do expect of me? to sit in a goddamn corner and suckle vitamins for the rest of my immortal days?

tlmetravel youre our /friend/! itll always be personal for us

tlmetravel wed destroy anyone who hurt you but, to our great despair, the only one keen on hurting you is /you/

floramodus im not hurting myself im doing what nature and common sense dictate

tlmetravel oh thats rich no, you are purposely doing what hurts you the most out of whatever misguided sense of survivors guilt but guess what none of it will make you feel better and it sure as Hell doesnt make us feel good

floramodus guess fucking what! the clouds told me bec lives! im doing something right with my life! even if i have to cleave my goddamn skull in!!! two!!!

tlmetravel youre making accomplices out of innocent people by not letting them help

floramodus you arent scientists. you arent magicians.

tlmetravel you are actively tying their hands behind their back because they love you too much to tell you any of this i dont care, flora and i dont pretend to and i wont pretend to just the same as you so blatantly dont care about /my/ good friend, i dont care about yours i dont give a flying fuck if your dog lives

tlmetravel non gratum anus rodentum it only matters to us because it matters to you

floramodus ///the acid fucking crashed my laptop

tlmetravel and your high-brow, dr frankenstein, 'oh im a scientist you wouldnt understand' act is not pulling the wool over anyones eyes youre self destructive bec just gives you an excuse to con us out of doing anything about it //God ™

floramodus //im not responding until tumblr boots back up cause she is nuclear moira

tlmetravel //good im not saying you dont honestly care for bec im saying he also doubles as a handy excuse

floramodus so what do you expect me to fucking do. how do you expect me to react to you saying the last goal i have in life is just that, a worthless goal. do you expect me to be gratify? do you expect to graciously bow to your ancient wisdom and sit in a bumbo and learn how to be "healthy" again for the sake of comfort.

tlmetravel yes

floramodus your goddamn right im self destructive i wont hesitant to tear my self apart for any goal worth it what are you gonna do about it? be content your fucking right? humanity believe a nuclear bomb would kill us all but that didnt stop them and it wont stop me

tlmetravel or you could just treat yourself as a tool, a means to an end, because god forbid you see yourself as a person, because you /know/ deep down that how you treat yourself? isnt how you should treat a person humanity really isnt the pinnacle of reason nor does humanity interest me, were talking about /you/

floramodus im human in theory but guess what? im not a person. im a god, a means of survival

tlmetravel does that flawed rhetoric make you sleep at night at least? because i really wish it would

tlmetravel because its good for absolutely /nothing/ else

floramodus i wasnt put on this earth to be comfortable ive been living in gunpowder since i was 6

tlmetravel you really dont want to start a sob story competition with me trust me you know why id be afraid, if you did love me?

floramodus despite my urge to tell you to shove it back in the textbook you crawled out  of ill play your game. why

tlmetravel because youd put me above yourself and im historically against pedestals its a frightening thing to love someone who would damn herself in a second without looking over her shoulder death doesn't just happen to you, icarus, it happens to everyone around you your wounds are not just your own though they sting you most

floramodus icarus had one life. i have infinity

tlmetravel i dont care each one of your lives is as precious to us as if it were your last just because you /can/ doesnt mean you /should/ by all means, go on with this madness, tear yourself limb for limb if your heart is really in it just dont expect me to be quiet about it in fact, place no expectations on me at all hellfire, you called me hellfire, indeed

floramodus let he who has the match wick the bridge in flames

#ooc #logs archived #long / #blood / #suicide / #self harm / #gore / #drdp /? #ask to tag #plot #alcohol / #tlmetravel

[nightskytypes]

I got another huge step done and I should be happy and proud. And im trying. But lately i’ve been made fun of way too much I fucking hate how worthless its made me feel. I’ve been wandering though this haze for months now. I’ve had this horrible black pit in my chest for longer than I can remember that my days just blur together like Im daydreaming. I can barely remember anything Ive done in the day unless ive had someone around to keep me rooted. I wake up and go from being okay to the pit pulling me in full force from even the nicest of dreams. “ Oh yea. im just trash again.” “Ah thats right. I got made fun of again.” ”Right. I cant say anything or i’ll just be tormented.” Ive gotten so used to it I cant even remember what its like to have someone genuinely want to hear my day, or the things I get excited about and not be told im too loud or some short uninterested response. I dont even remember what its really like to be treated nicely unless its connected to my looks or body and someone wants something out of me. I spend months trying to be more positive and improve my attitude, try new things and be happier though life not working out and I just get inevitably told how much of a piece of shit I am for not being better or faster or smarter and I just always ruin everything. any Attempt to be sweet or positive gets annoyed reactions and overpowered by negative moods.  I dont feel like me anymore. Im always sad. Im always holding back crying. I spend nights alone struggling with thoughts of just giving up. Thoughts of what the point is because Im never good enough. Nothing I ever do or try will ever work out. I feel like theres just string holding me up at this point and its close to snapping. A bullet with my name on it is just so much more of a drive than “You’re going to make it. Things will turn out and you’ll smile wholeheartedly again”  im nothing but a giant waste of fucking oxygen someone better could be using. “it’ll get better” feels like a dream. I dont feel like I deserve anyone because Im struggling with school and work and its bullshit. I deserve it as much as anyone. Im trying so fucking hard. Ive been doing nothing but aiming for the same goal and sacrificing so much for it. I just want to be happy. I just want to laugh and smile and joke around. I want to be loud and dance. I just want to hold someones hand and tell them stories ive read through the day or hear them tell me of their life and feel safe and cared about. I dont knwo who the person in the mirror is anymore. im so fucking broken down and beaten and I just dont want to be alive anymore.

#I should be fucking proud. I should be fucking happy. #I shouldnt have to be forcing these feelings #I shouldnt need to reinforce positivity rhoguh this #its so drraining #im so tired

[mighty-poop]

Last vent post, i swear

It’s not a question when i started feeling depressed and anxious again, i know exactly when i started to feel like this again

(It escalated, im crying, hence why im vent posting)

As usual, it’s probably a pile-up of emotions and shitty situations, making me feel like this, specifically lonliness, failure and boredom. 

The shitty feelings started last friday, at 9 in the evening sharp. I had asked help for a school project and 2 ballerina students and their teacher helped me a lot. So, obviously after i got really good grades on the project they helped with, i wanted to show the video to them personally and give them something as a thank you. So i went out and got them gift cards and i asked them when they had class next where i could show the thing. They didnt give me a time and i didnt ask one cus i was certain i remembered it right from the last time i went to one of their classes on friday. I remembered class started at 8 and ended at 10, so i decided to go at 9, during their break and if i got the time wrong then I’ll be seeing them just as class ends, so i tell myself to leave early.

But i lost 10 minutes because town was closed off because of some market thingy that happens once every year, whatever. No way they’ll all leave at 9 exactly, plus they’ll maybe stay in case i was late, i dunno.

I get there, the lights are off. Nobody is there. I go to the reception desk and ask if the ballet teacher is still in the building. He tells me no, she literally just left. I should’ve asked if there will be another class next week and at WHAT TIME so i can give them their stuff but I didn’t because i felt like i was about to cry. Cus of course, piece of shit worthless lenny can’t get the fucking time right again and misses the people he wants to thank. And i get home and i KNOW i should just text the teacher and explain everything, or message them on facebook, anything! But I can’t cus i feel like crying and my throat is closing up and I’m so so scared that they’re angry with me cus here i am. Film student asking others to waste their time on a school assignment and can’t even show up to an appointment. And i tell myself for a week now that there’s no way they’ll be that pissed that they’re not willing to reschedule but it just doesn’t work, i still close up and shake and my chest hurts and i think “‘I’ll do it later when i feel better” and it just doesnt happen. And we’re a week later now and i still haven’t messaged them yet.

The plan now is to just leave the gifts and the book i borrowed with the reception desk with a letter or something saying i barely missed them the week before and don’t have time this week to stop by but that I’d post the video on fb and.... yeah. And ask the guy to just deliver it to the teacher please.

And other than that, i had loads of plans for stuff i wanna do this summer. Oh right. Last friday i asked the reception desk about musical classes cus it’s in the same school. And he told me it’s a supplementary class. You can’t just follow only musical classes, you have to be a third year music student. Meaning you’ve been playing an instrument and following music classes for 2 years. So that’s a goddamn bust. There is another school-group thing that does musical 2 hours a week, it’s a little out of the way but on their website it says if you’re interested, to send them a mail and they’ll send a brochure. So i wanna do that and it just doesn’t work. Again. I cannot get myself to write a good email, nothing i type feels good, I’m scared ill7come over as unprofessional or a dunce and that if i do end up taking those classes, it will reflect on the way they’ll treat me and hhhhhhhhhh i- I can’t deal with the idea alone. I’ve always been terrible at making friends, the idea that they’ll dislike me from the start gives me goddamn warflashbacks to when i was 12 and it makes me feel pressured to write a perfect stupid email. 

I don’t want to have social an iety anymore, it genuinely has a terrible impact on my life and it’s super dumb and avoidable but my brain is wired to not. Let. It.

There’s a con this weekend and i really really really do not wanna go. I have a fantastic instinct on these things, when i feel something is gonna go wrong, usually it does. Public transport is going on strike meaning traffic and getting there in general will suck. The wheather is gonna be unbearable. And I’m just not feeling the con vibe, I’m tired of the convine, I don’t see the fun in it anymore. The only reason I’m going is because i NEED to socialise, and this is currently the only way i get to see some people.

I’m afraid to tell my friends that i just don’t wanna go, i want to stay home. I’m scared they’ll take it personally, that they’re in a way forcing me to go and that i blame them for feeling like this. I don’t, of course, but I’m scared that’s what they’ll think. Again, dumb. But it makes my chest hurt and breathing hard. 

I bought new art supplies and used them once. I don’t know why, I’m inspired, i have the tools, i have more than time, i just lack motivation. I wanna enter competitions at other cons, i got ideas, the tools and more than enough time, but i keep thinking ‘wtf is the point. Last year they disqualified me for 5 frames, who the fuck cares if i enter or not’. 

The only thing I’m doing is learning to play the tin whistle, which I’m so far not terrible at. But I’m again wondering why I’m doing it. I keep reacher for my whistle because I’m bired and need to do something with my hands but, what am i doing it for? Who am i doing it for? I keep disappointing others and myself anyway, the situation will become shitty SOMEHOW because that’s how the universe decided to play it. Trump is president, children are starving, 2+2=4 and everything will make it so that lenny is lonely and stays lonely. I’m not important, the universe has other shit to do but i genuinely feel like some transcendant power is making it their hobby to see me fail for some fucked up reason. 

[viewofsal]

The Official “The End.”  032018 1136PM

You would think oh Salia is so over writing her long ass essays about some dude from New York. But nope. After tonight you not only made me regret every step I took for us, every move I made for us and everything i did FOR YOU AND US. I called you and you rejected my call because you know me better than I do apparently. I called you because I had anxiety, no surprise you left me in the dark again like you always did when we were together. You dont love me and you certainly dont care about me Farhan. Please dont say you do because you dont. Because if you did you would call me back and hear me out. But instead you gave me shit about how youre not my boyfriend/man and that you dont need to text me but you are. You dont need to do anything for me, just think Im dead to you. Just forget that a girl named Salia ever existed in your life. A girl who loved you more than anything in life, you meant the world to her, you were her everything even when you were a straight dick hole to her. I wish you could look at me and tell me the things you did over the phone. Would you have the balls to do it? Probably. Today I am hurt because of you. I am left with nothing but regret and pain. You said tonight, “delete me off your life man”. Alright done. What else? Youre asking a girl who would take a bullet for you. Whatever you want youll get because Im just that stupid of a bitch to listen to you. Done, deleted. What else? I told you one time that I wanted to kill myelf because of our break up, and honest to god I really wish I did. It would make zero affect on your heartless ass anyways. You moved on just like that. Go ahead, go for hoes that dont even give the slightest fuck about you. No go ahead. Go for girls who have their shit together, who have a degree at a certain age, who have a career built. Unlike me, who stopped going to school because I had to take care of my mental health. I decided to go back to school for me. I love what Im doing, but as soon as my degree gets mailed to me I am burning that shit. Every time I think about my graduation and my degree I think of you and I just get so angry. Let me get one thing straight, I DO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO HOES. SO IF YOU LIKE A HOE, GO FOR IT. WHAT SHE HAS IS WHAT I DONT WANT. You arent worthy of being forgiven. I forgave you for me to have peace in my heart and life. If I am angry today it is because of the shit I had to hear from your mom and you. Especially you. You always told me that I wasnt a woman, I wasnt mature, I didnt have my life together at the age of 24. Yeah Im sorry, I honestly wish I was dead today. I wouldnt have to deal with you and a heart break that I definitely didnt deserve at ALL. You tortured me for a whole year. Yeah I know I had the chance to walk away, you told me in a text message I still have… “you need to know your worth. you know how much stress and anxiety i give you.” and you still fucking gave it to me. Fine I get it… I wasnt worth it. You didnt fall in love, we just arent meant to be. You said tonight, if its meant to be youll be at my door step. You lied to me, you made me believe this was it, you just fucking suck. You broke my heart into a million pieces. I cant trust anyone because of you, i cant even talk to anyone because of you. You now make me believe love is the being scam in the fucking world. that every guy i will ever talk to you will come into my life and just spoil me with their fake ass attention and love and walk all over me and then leave. I not only gave you love, attention, loyalty but i regret ever opening up to you. Using my mental against me. I fucking cannot believe it. You wont realize rn, but there is so much other shit I want to say but i cant make the guy i wanted to marry, to have children with look like a fuck boy. You have everything going for yourself… congrats. I hope everything works out for you. Just please forget everything about me, oh wait you did. You would do anything to get rid of me any day but choose a fucking bitch over me any day. Life is truly short, and if I ever die, at any time in life. I hope you regret the way you talked to me, the way you treated me and the way you manipulated my mind to think a way when it was you to ruin our relationship this whole time. Yeah I am hurt, I am angry, I am devastated because of you and the way you put me down makes me feel like I AM A WORTHLESS STUPID CUNT. If you can call your mom one, then what am i even to you? NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND RIGHT? Right. Exactly, I was just an easy girl for you to reel in and once you saw shes in it, FUCK IT. DOnt give her attention, love and all of that. I should’ve left your ass the night I had to convince you that this will work out for three hours, but wait we had those talks so many times, which one are we talking about right? Idk. I wasted so much time, love and energy on a guy who didnt fight for me. but why should he? He wasnt in love with me or I didnt have anything for him to fight for? Do you remember saying that Farhan? Do you? Probably not. Im dead to you from today. Forget everything I did for you, and throw away all of the shit or send it back to me. The amount of love I put into everything, you always found a way to just make it seem like it wasnt enough. Im so glad you broke up with me because I would ve killed myself while being with you. I hope you feel every inch of pain you left me with and regret being an asshole. If i die tomorrow, i hope you hate yourself for it. Dont bother w/ me. You are deleted gone. Thats what you wanted right? YOu shouldve just said FUCK OFF thats it. I would’ve been long gone. Its so easy for you to move on and talk to new girls because youre not the one goin through what I went thru or going through. Karma is a dirty thing, youll get what you deserve for treating me like shit. I hope your mom finds you a non bum girl, because thats what i was right> I have absolutely NOTHING going for myself. Build your empire, grow, get married. I am nothing to you and please please please…. just fucking think im dead. which you already do. ALSO I HATE YOU FOR TELLING YOUR MOM THAT I GOT KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR YOU. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT? Yeah so you said that if its meant to be youll be at my door step, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO EVER FACE UR MOM? TELL ME. HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? I honest to god, really wish I was never your ex. You treat me like im a fucking piece of shit. How? You wont realize today, tomorrow, next week, next month or probably never. But you will definitely get punished for hurting someone like me. Who never once ever thought about cheating on you or doing you dirty. Ever. You got what you wanted. Left me in tears again. Left me, like you always did.

Good bye.

[honestbiatch11-blog]

Karma ... it’s a biatch with long term memory... always gets way to get you for lies

I want to tell you something about Life and things that give a good lessons another one lessons but don’t worry if Life doesn’t give you sweet dreams or anything good you got another good resolution for what you did wrong and never again been so naive... im only disappointing a cant posted on social media like fb tweeter or Instagram only coz you so weee baby try to show everyone you the victim here and I’m bad ass with no respect... from the beginning so Like I’m so surprise after all I try to help , make an effort, giving a recommendation for person who I thought it wasn’t only random friend but he actually was my good friend... helping each other, had some support and fun and just being honest friends like there’s no many left of good friends,... but again shit happen people can act so perfectly if they need to use you for own business but when you having enough of bullshit and same complaints acting like little poor biatch with so many things and having problems ACTUALLY YOU DO!!! YOUR An ALCOHOLIC HAVING HUGE PROBLEMS WITH YOUR HEALTH DONT TAKE ADVICE FROM ANYONE WHO SAYS THIS THE ONLY ONE WAY FOR YOU OR YOU GONNA PUT ONE MORE STEP CLOSER TO DEATH THERE IS NO WAY TO BE SO MUCH BLINDED TO NOT SEEING SOMETHING IS WRONG LISTENING TO PEOPLE WHO DID ALREADY OPERATIONS AND SAVED YOUR NOT WORTH IT LIFE AND JUST TAKE ADVICE..... Oh well it’s your choice of living your own little hell .... So back to the reality you so full of lies and nothing else you wanna judge everything everyone’s and even saying to me about my good friends like do you know them -NO you don’t know who they are or how much they are important for me and you dare call they wankers full of shit or like you say about one stupid blonde girl with no brain or dignity the little slut for fk a wee gold digger and don’t understands what this means that little girl it’s more smart than you think she is... ok u using her for sex having fun and be the biggest cunt for your woman and still living together lies lies lies for what having sex with both and like no worries there is a new day with more crap You shit little boy who lost somewhere he’s fk balls for little girl who fucks him over oh how lovely you’re a looser ....don’t worry she will keeps doing this her mommy tells her good advices how to fk you over some stupid polish fella but you’re blocked thinking only about how hit ....like a puppy so blinded to her lies lol stupid cunt with no respect to others go fk your self you don’t deserve it you’re only one more piece of shit in this world , women should have on more magic powers to know you a bit better recognise wankers to work and don’t give shit of scams bags like u coz I’m hoping your woman will care about your son and tell him how to treat lady like fk princess not thinking with a dick like his daddy... and I hope she will find out true about what you doing behind her back and kick u out like really give one fuckin kick far away and you will have your favourite place you gonna be alone coz sooner u think people will find out full of surprises but it’s nothing is there it’s empty live your life like now and karma will gets u some day we all have to pay for our mistakes no one will take blame for you no one will be beside you coz we all having more than u think 🤔 well some of are like nice surprises having all good and bad things keep up together but work perfectly takes all things on the shoulders and just work with them met people who are just like them a go same way supports each other ... but you never gonna understand you still living with your past hello just forget and start to live with honesty and have some honour like you talk about it all the time do you know what is it or it’s another games you try play to all ... But no you like this it’s simple judging people so you make your self proud of what it’s hard to explain but you are THE BIGGEST PROBLEM AND YPU DONT GET IT WOKE up FOR FLIPS FK SAKE YOU STUPID MORON !!! No one will give staff for free just because life it’s not sweet and lovely like in movies haha it’s not the rainbow 🌈 full of sweets and more sweets things life it’s one battlefield you have choose who you gonna be wanker or good person? It’s up to you.... people laugh make jokes talk about some shit really bad one u use to have someone to protect you but not anymore...now all shit it’s yours be my guest and take it all ... just right in your fk face lol 😂 oh don’t worry I’m gonna be there and probably more like me the one wanna gives you opportunity to be someone who want or other who have been with u and also the one been full of your lies even they want helping you Even kid form nurse are smarter than you they know how to use brains and if they haven’t know everything about this world they will see anyway coz shit like u gonna try to have a little army of dickeds like you but u don’t know how to put it together so nothing gonna work ... Sorry my keyboard doesn’t wanna work properly some of the parts doesn’t make any send but you will get my point like his not worthless any pence or waist time he gonna understand son but then no one gonna wait for big shit like him

[plainolemehere]

i knew. i always knew you were gonna hurt me in the end. i always just pretended like you would change. Every time i forgave you, i fell for you bullshit and got hurt again. But for some fucking reason i continued to go back to you every time. After you tried to get with my friends on new years, then changing girls names in your phones to your brothers names so i wouldn't notice, trying to fuck all of my friends, lying to me at southern union that you were studying or at a baseball team bonding but really you were at parties getting drunk and lying to me. Who knows how many times you cheated on me there. Why. Why didn't i walk away the first time. Why is God doing this. Why did he have mark in my life just go cause me so much fucking pain and heartache. How am i supposed to recover from this. How do you recover from giving your 100% to someone who were in love with, someone you saw yourself marrying, someone that their loves overcame all sins. How do you recover from loving someone so much and just being lied to for almost three years. What did i do to deserve this? I did EVERYTHING for him. I lost everything for him. I lost all my friends my junior year because i stayed with him, my senior year was shit because he was off at college and i had no friends and now he's fucked up my freshman year at college. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. How is someone so fucked up!!!!!!! how do you freaking lie to someone like that for two years. You never loved me. Never. It was all an act, for what? Was it amusing fucking with my mind. You made me hate myself. I can't even look myself in the fucking mirror because you make me feel disgusting. You make me feel worthless and not good enough. I gave you my all, my whole fucking heart and you destroyed me. You don't even care. YOU CHEATED ON ME AND YOU HAVENT SAID SORRY ONCE. YOU HAVE NOT SAID SORRY FOR FUCKING CRUSHING ME. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. YOU DONT FUCKING RECOVER FROM SOMEONE FUCKING WITH YOUR MIND THIS BAD. You hulimated me in from of your friends. You made me feel like an idiot. You made me feel pyscho for needing reassurance but who wouldn't after what you've done to me. You've ruined my life. And the irony of it all is that your fine. It doesn't even fucking phase you that were done. You couldn't even respond to me when i poured my heart out to you and said i loved you and that i was sorry.  YOU JUST READ IT AND DIDNT REPLY AFTER YOU WERE THE ONE THAT CHEATED ON ME. and how dumb of me to stick up for you. Skylar tried to tell me that ryan wasn't there but i told her that i believe you and trusted you AND COULD TELL WHEN YOU WERE BEING GENUINE AND THAT RYAN WAS THERE. You fucking cried to me. You fucking broke down in your bed saying you couldn't live without me, that you would kill yourslef if i wasn't in your life, that I've changed you for the better, that i make you a better man, THAT YOU SEE YOURSELF MARRYING ME AND THAT I WAS THE ONE. What. How the fuckkkkkkkkk do you lie to someone like that. HOW DID YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT. hOw big of a dick do you have to be to say that to someone and not mean it. i can't fucking eat, i can't sleep, I'm so fucked up in the head right now. AND YOU FINE. How are you living with yourself. I can't fucking think straight. What is the point. I will never be able to love again. Im so fucking broken and have so many issues AND IM SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD i will never be able to love again. Maybe this is why I'm such a bitch now. Because whats the fucking point. Everyones selfish and only look out for themselves. I just broke down on my fucking floor and could not breath because of you. i sleep all fucking day because i don't want to face reality that my life is so fucked up. My parents don't know anything. They don't know what its like. They don't know what I'm thinking, no one does. Im done being a nice person, I'm done fucking trusting people, I'm done forgiving people. Im DONE GETTING WALKED ALL OVER AND TREATED LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I have no fucking confidence. You destroyed me. You ruined me. I hope your happy. I hope someone treats you the way you treated me. I hope everyone some day realizes that your an awful person. Because mark miller i was in love with you. I  gave you my all. I wanted to marry you, I've never loved someone more in my life, I've never given something that much effort and time in my life. I've never cared about someone more. I loved you no matter what you did, how you treated me, no matter how many fucked up things you said to me, no matter how many times you lied to me I FORGAVE YOU AND LOVED YOU JUST THE SAME AFTER BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOU THAT MUCH. I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH. Im absolutely mind fucked on how evil you have to be to hurt someone so badly. I FOUND OUT WHILE I WAS DECORATING YOUR APARTMENT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY IN GEORGIA AND FALCONS COLORS. I BOUGHT YOU A CAKE AND CANDLES AND EVEN AFTER I FUCKING FOUND OUT YOU LIED TO ME I CONTINUED TO DECORATE YOUR HOUSE. how fucking big of an idiot am i !!!!!!!!!I deserved this.  i let you walk all over me. I'm a fucking piece of shit and the biggest idiot. How the fuck am i supposed to go about life knowing that life is just always gonna fuck me over. And ya know i really don't wanna hear Jesus has a plan because ya know what ha I've been praying, I've been doing my daily readings, I've been trying to be a better person, the lord tells me to always forgive ha and whats that do? it just screws me over dude. I tried. Jesus just continually hurt me and failed me and i shouldnt be this sad. I don't even know what the fuck I'm typing. Im so fucking lonely and have no one to talk to I'm fucking talking to myself on tumblr. Im so fucking lonely i have to vent to my fucking blog because NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME. i really don't know what i do wrong. I mean fuck I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm pretty sure I'm not that evil of a person to deserve this much pain. I hate you mark miller. You were the worst mistake I've ever made. I should have let my parents press charges the two years ago and ruined your baseball scholarship and jail time. BUT INSTEAD WE FORGAVE YOU. You humiliated me. Fuck i can go on for days about how badly you hurt me. what did i do to you mark. I gave you my all. I loved you so much. You broke my heart. You destroyed me. You are an awful person. Have a happy life. Thank you, I'm sure ill thank you in the long run for making me a stronger woman but i honestly don't think I'm gonna make it there. I can't handle the hurt. Goodbye mark. i hope you're goal was accomplished. Mission: completely destroy someone. Im really not supposed to say this but you really do need to rot in hell. A big ole fuck you and i hope karma fucks up your mind the way you screwed up mine. Im fucking over the bullshit. Im never forgiving you or looking at you again. I can't handle this. Goodbye.