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raksh-writes · 1 year

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<beware, self reflection post incoming>

So. This year has been a tough one.

Feels like it has been tougher than all of those before, ngl, but it's hard to tell how much of it is skeved memory and how much just how strong those feelings are today. But it has been an awful year -- the first half was kind of alright, but the second? Yeah, everything went downhill there.

I slid into one of the worst depression holes ever. I quit my job two months ago, because it has been contributing strongly to that, but remained unemployed and stressed out of my mind because of that and feeling completely listless since. Unmoored. With no purpose whatsoever. It's... not a good place to be. On top of that, I got real sick with covid this week and barely started feeling somewhat better today. Guess it's a suficiently shitty end to an awful year, huh? What hurts, too, is the heart breaking writer's block I got in that second half of the year too.

I wrote barely anything this year, posted even less. Got very disconnected from that part of myself that carried me through the rough times of the previous years -- and maybe that's why it feels worse than ever now, when I had at least that joy back then but it feels like it's been taken from me. It's... rough.

I've always been in the middle of something before too. Always going back to classes, to uni, got a job last year, but now? Well...

I did start taking steps to crawl back to life. Trying to at least. Baby steps.

So, I wanna make a list of those baby steps. The ones Ive already started taking, the ones Im gonna soon, the ones I wanna try to make. Make a path out of them, maybe. So:

Im back to therapy, that's good. Working through new and old stuff, it's definitely helping, but... there's a lot more to work through than I imagined. It's okay, though. I can already tell some of it helped, it's been a good helping hand in digging myself out of this hole - or at least starting to dig myself out.

Im also starting an internship at the job office on monday (hopefully most of my symptoms are gonna be gone by then 🤞). It's a 6 months one, not as well paid as a full job, of course, but it's experience, it's a start, and I can always search for smth different in the meantime. And it's stability a dearly need.

I want to go back to studying too. I found I miss it a lot, having that goal, broadening my mind, etc. I wanna sign for some post-diploma library studies classes in the city where I intern, near where I live. It might not open up, but if it doesn’t, I think I'll try going back for actual Masters. It's something Im actually sort of looking forward too, even if it makes me a lil' anxious.

Been idly thinking about maybe going back to the city. Trying to live on my own again. Study, find a job to pay for it. Might not be quite possible, though, with prices of pretty much everything going up to 3x what they were and still going up. It's an idea for the later part of the year, though, if Id actually try going for it.

Maybe the most obvious one -- I want to write again. And post, too. I miss interacting with readers. Seeing that someone Gets it. That it brings people joy. I miss it a lot. These last months, even if I managed to write a little, I didn't even had the drive to post. No drive for anything, really. Feels like death to a creative soul 😔 So I want to write. And I want to share it. Im still thinking of my Beauty and the Beast Voiles AU -- I have a couple chapters of it done, maybe I could start posting and see where it goes, even if I dont manage to finish it? Then I got obsessed with VegasPete, an amazing ship I recommend to all that like Voiles or just enemies to lovers! I even managed to write some lil bits of them, some I Could post even, but I can’t get myself to... maybe it's a goal for the near future. To break through that block and engage with new fandom beyond just reading and commenting, but trying to contribute some of my own. It's scary, but it might do me good? It'd be nice..

I want to try and do more typesetting this year too, and properly, since Ive been thinking I could maybe do it part time in the future, do a project here and there, but for that I'd have to polish up my skills. Maybe do some smaller projects, that wont take me months to finish like the fics I did lately.

Have my eyes peeled for opportunities and have the courage to reach for them. I want to do library studies and Id love to work in a library one day, but its hard to get into one, so I gotta have my eyes open for any possibility. Or working in a book store, Id love that too. Anything with books, tbh. So, be on the look out. And work on having the courage to reach for it and battling down my anxiety.

Go out and meet with friends I haven't seen in a long time. I think Ive isolated myself a bit too much this year and it definitely hasn’t helped. So I need to try more to get out of the easy, lazy way and go out to meet people.

And that's it, for now, I think. Goals for the new year? Maybe, but being in the place I am, baby steps feel better. Im sure Im not the only one that had an awful year and if you're reading this, feeling the same, I see you. Can’t promise it's gonna get better, but we gotta have hope and try taking those baby steps towards making it better. So, Im not gonna go into elaborate wishes, Im just gonna be simple.

I wish you all good health, because it's so important and yet we don’t appreciate it enough, and also wish all of us courage, especially those struggling. To reach for what we want. To reach for what we fear. To get out of our comfort zones, one baby step at a time. To put ourselves out there. To win over our anxieties. To live.

Im slowly, very slowly, trying to take those baby steps. To crawl back to life. It's hard. And slow. But I hope it's gonna be worth it. It's gotta be better than the misery of last months. So, that's what I hope for in the next year. Taking the baby steps to a better future.

Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope y'all have a lovely last day of 2022 💗

#personal #Raksh posts #encouragement #I think there’s some here #but this is a very personal post #self reflection #baby steps #note to self #putting it all in writing in hopes it'll help me follow them or somethinf #Im still feeling quite sick and the worst is I have no appetite and everything sticks inside my mouth #so Im probably not eating that well and that's not helping 😔#but Im trying what I can get myself to swallow and hopefully that'll be enough #Im also thinking of maybe trying to post that one patt of the fic I managed to write down a couple months ago?#I meant to only do it when I finish the second part but since Im stuck in this limbo maybe it'd actually help?#its scary and it might actually not gain any reaction and maybe today its not a good day for it but #maybe for me it would be #to finish the year on at least one happier note in this depressing day #Ive been thinking smth similar for weeks with posting that one part and didnt find it in myself #but maybe I should push and try and it'd be nice...#this post is probably full of typos too but I have no energy to reread it too closely sorry #its mostly for myself anyway #but if any of you read all the way through to here -- thank you 💗 and I wish you all the best for the new year 💗💗

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calx-bdo · 5 months

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haikaveh oneshots

kaveh frowns seeing the surplus food in the fridge.

no, not because of his "lack of favourites" (to which there are many soups, thank you.), but it's rather due to the fact that alhaitham's food was also in the fridge. all of it.

kaveh's not dumb, he can pick up on his roommate's eating habits quickly. especially the significant lack of appetite. (urgh, this one worries kaveh the MOST.) but not to the extent of leaving food out altogether.

hence, kaveh makes one very quick trip to the bazaar to grab a quick snack for alhaitham. this one recently hit the shelves, and kaveh's sure that alhaitham would most definitely enjoy this. "taste supersedes presentation.." kaveh can already hear alhaitham's voice boring into his skull.

well, that's the whole reason kaveh fell in love with him in the first place. kaveh returns home with a skip in his step, rapting his knucles kightly on alhaitham's door before entering.

"haitham?" his voice takes on a softer tone, peering inside the dimly lit room. "oh, عزیزم, are you.. alright?" kaveh's warm gaze landed on the pile and mountain of books stacked upon one another, alhaitham's hair in a tight grasp. if kaveh didnt know any more, he could say alhaitham is one tick away from completely losing his hold onto his sanity.

kaveh repeats the soft nickname. "عزیزم?"

only then does alhaitham look up, circular glasses slipping off his nose.

alhaitham's cracked voice mumbles out. "حبيبي .."

"my sweet boy, are you alright?" kaveh immediately rushed to alhaitham's side, his food left forgotten on the table. kaveh's hands cupped his cheeks slowly, fingers softly brushing across his cheeks. his red eyes took one look across the table and the numerous coffee mug stains and lets out a tut.

"alhaitham. what did i tell you about proper sustenance?" at this point, kaveh's just playing with his hair, alhaitham's face buried into his waist as his buff hands (feeble scholar my ass!) wrapped tightly around his waist. "mmmfhh.." came alhaitham's reply, a little muffled.

"okay okay, just.. be sure to eat your food, alright? the aunties at the bazaar gave me these free food, and it's fresh, so be sure to eat it while it's hot! and.. jeez, alhaitham. stop drinking so much coffee! i'm starting to think that your blood is pure caffeine."

alhaitham nods at his words, burying his face furthur into kaveh's body.

a smile blossomed on kaveh's face.

───

babe in persian = عزیزم

حبيبي= my love in arabic

───

kaveh was (again) dusting off the numerous books that lined every inch of their house, when he spots a surprisingly new book. his fingers traced the words on the spine as he read the title.

"28 recipes for Soups! (most loved by moms and grandmas alike!)"

that got kaveh thinking. he clearly didn't purchase this, and both alhaitham and him didn't receive any cookbooks as presents. cyno and tighnari don't really care for food, and he doesn't know any chef that might have lent him this book. that only leaves one option - alhaitham purchased this book.

.. what for?? kaveh is confused. has alhaitham even expressed any interest in cooking?

whatever. kaveh shoves that book into the back of his mind before continuing on.

it isn't literally 5 minutes later that he finds yet another cookbook on alhaitham's shelves.

"okay. what the fuck. did these multiply or what?" kaveh pulled the book out of the shelf and scanned it again.

"27 new recipes for Soups! (limited edition, new stock!)

limited-?! alarm bells immediately go off in kaveh's head. limited? alhaitham is definitely the type to go scrambling after a book when he discovers that there's limited stock, claiming "he must have it!" and it's "a precious rarity". but a.. cookbook? alhaitham's worries extends to this type of books too?

jeez.

out of curiosity, kaveh placed the duster down on a nearby table before flipping the book open. one recipe catches his eye.

"...cream mushroom soup...liyue parsley... matsutake mushrooms and enoki mushrooms..." kaveh mumbles to himself. why does all these ingredients sound so familiar?

it clicks in his head. it's what he ate yesterday.

wait. wait. alhaitham... specially went out of his way to buy this limited edition book, learn to cook to the best of his ability, did all of this.. for him?

a warm feeling tugs at his heart.

the very next night, alhaitham flips open the book to see a green (the very shade of his little dendro mirrors too!) post-it on the next recipe.

"thank you for all you do love. even buying the limited edition books, hmm? <3

- k 💛"

crimson red blooms all over alhaitham's pale face.

what a tease.

───

this is doing very little to help alhaitham's stress.

alhaitham and kaveh promised to go visit and see nilou's dance at zubayr theatre, even though alhaitham's autism and sensory issues make it a problem for him to be comfortable in the crowded grand bazaar. this, kaveh knows.

so when kaveh turns his head to look at alhaitham, in a moment of pure madness, alhaitham tries to mask his discomfort by flashing a small smile.

kaveh immediately gets suspicious.

alhaitham isn't one to smile. especially not at performances. the only time theres ever a curl upwards on his lips is when he's reading a book, and mocking the author for their "extreme lack of knowledge" and their "stupidity knows no bounds.". once, kaveh even heard him utter "common sense is apparently not common anymore. what kind of nonsense are these authors spilling into their books? they don't deserve their works published. goodness."

that was the most hatred kaveh has ever seen anyone express to an inanimate object. yes, kaveh's rantings to mehrak isn't counted! he isn't even that heated when ranting! and mehrak isn't inanimate! ugh!

kaveh grips alhaitham's forearms tighter. "oh? crap."

a tear rolls down alhaitham's cheeks. "kaveh, people keep touching me and i-"

"i'm sorry lovely.. i shouldn't have dragged you through a crowd. i wasn't thinking."

kaveh brings up a hand to caress alhaitham's cheeks.

"let's go home, okay?"

they both fall in step to walk home together.

"we can invite the others for dinner later." kaveh's hand tightly grips alhaitham's.

"is that okay?"

───

` i feel like i need to explain here. whilst i'm not autistic myself, i watched aimee's videos (shwimzii on tiktok, go check her videos out, theyre great!) and this oneshot mostly revolves around the nilou's dance tiktok (the thumbnail is nilou, here's the link)

alhaitham is depicted overwhelmed by the sensory overload and starts to cry, hence i implemented this into the story. if there's anything wrong with it or anything i had written wrongly, please don't hesitate to tell me!

───

kaveh comes across a picture of alhaitham and him in their old akademiya uniforms.

he picks up the frame and examines the picture.

archons, they look super young. like, dont have eyebags under their eyes young. like, no callouses and ink stains on their hands young.

"kaveh? what's that..?" alhaitham walked over to kaveh's side, hand wrapping around his waist. kaveh flushes at this. even though they've been dating for so long, kaveh still feels like a young schoolboy in love.

which takes them back to this picture.

"oh. i recall now. i remember when i had stuck to your side alot, since..."

kaveh patiently waits for alhaitham to finish his sentence.

"my grandmother and parents had recently passed away."

kaveh swears alhaitham's grip on him tightens.

"oh, عزیزم.."

kaveh mumbles out, placing a chaste kiss to alhaitham's cheek.

"hello! i'm kaveh, a second year student at the akademiya, assigned to guide you! what's your name?"

alhaitham looks at the hand extended to him.

"oookay, no name then! what darshan are you in? i'm in kshahrewar, the architecture darshan!"

it takes a while for alhaitham to mumble out a soft "haravatat."

"ooh, haravatat! that's a rare darshan due to the complicated runes!" kaveh beams at the boy's response.

alhaitham nods silently.

"well then, shall we explore the school? mr..."

this time, alhaitham responds rather quickly.

"alhaitham. my name is alhaitham."

"what a beautiful name! let's go around the school, okay alhaitham? it's big, so it's easy to get lost."

alhaitham followed kaveh around the school.

surprise surprise, when they reached the library, alhaitham immediately turned on his feet and left.

"hey, what? what's going on?" kaveh asked, very confused about alhaitham's apparent dislike of the library.

"i have no need for the library."

at kaveh's confusion, alhaitham further elaborates.

"i have more resources at home."

alhaitham following kaveh around proves to be a common sight around the akademiya. there's even a new joke floating around.

"whereever the blonde goes, the falcon follows."

haha, very funny.

alhaitham's relation to the falcon is an interesting one, however. the falcon is not a common rune to be found in, however, alhaitham's studies usually tend to revolve around runes of the sort revolving around this particular animal. kaveh swears he even saw a carving of the falcon on alhaitham's desk. and it's not just falcons too, all kinds of birds were present in alhaitham's home.

it was kinda cute, if kaveh's being honest. he wonders if he should tell alhaitham about the pet bird he has.

"alhaitham, you seem to be interested in birds!" kaveh mentions in the akademiya's cafeteria, seeing alhaitham engrossed in a book.

"mhm! there's many different species of birds, but my favourite personally is the falcon. did you know that like fennec foxes, falcons mate for life? and that peregerine falcons are able to migrate 15,500 miles every year! and..." alhaitham continues to ramble excitedly about different bird facts, mostly falcon related.

"say, alhaitham, why do you like vultures and falcons so much?" kaveh asks one day.

"mm, no idea. vultures are just, cool, i guess. and falcons..they were my mother's favourite. i try to think about her, remember her, but it's hard. the only way i feel like i can really honor her is to.. well, research something about her. it's.. painful, to say the least. but it hurts less with you."

a fond smile erupts on kaveh's lips.

───

day after day, alhaitham finds himself running his fingers through kaveh's hair again and again.

it's so smooth, so silky..

that's why alhaitham took it upon himself to maintain kaveh's hair.

he observed the crappy shampoos that kaveh uses. it's not good quality, and it's too rough on the scalp. unacceptable.

alhaitham knows that good shampoos are sold in sumeru. in the grand bazaar. that crowded place.

he grits his teeth.

"kaveh, i'm going out for a while. be back soon."

"oh, okay handsome, stay safe!" kaveh's voice rings out from the study.

not even a mere 10 minutes later, alhaitham returns home, with a weird plastic packaging that he's holding onto like it's a lifeline, and evident tear stains on his cheeks.

"..alhaitham? what's wrong? love, did you go somewhere crowded? oh dear, come in, don't stand outside! my love, are you okay?" kaveh rattles off questions, and alhaitham can merely stand there.

"i bought this for you." alhaitham took out a bottle of shampoo, the price tag clearly scratched off.

"it's for you. i know you dont do well with expensive gifts, but.. i want you to accept this."

his gift is met with kaveh's lips on his lips, capturing him in a soft kiss as kaveh wraps his hand around alhaitham's neck.

"i love you, so much."

───

#kavetham #yingyue'snovels #genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #genshin imagines #haikaveh #kaveh x alhaitham #alhaitham x kaveh #genshin fanfiction #sumeru #genshin alhaitham #genshin kaveh #kavetham fanfic #gay #genshin fic #kavetham fluff

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symphonicmetal101 · 2 years

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OM CAST MORNING ROUTINE

Sans MC

Lucifer

Most of the time he wakes up at his desk, groaning as he stretches his aching muscles. His internal clock wakes him up, as well as his discomfort. He pulls himself together enough as he rubs his face and starts to unbutton his shirt as he makes his way to the washroom. Every morning, without fail, one side of his face and hair is completely flat from being pressed against the desk, and every morning, without fail, he hates it, so he just keeps walking past his mirror. Lucifer is a man of efficiency, so yes, he brushes his teeth in the shower. He starts it off hot to release a minute amount of tension in his back and shoulders and wash his hair, before switching it to icy cold to both wake him up, and leave enough warm water for his brothers. So his showers take 10-15 minutes because yeah, he could be faster, but its a place of relaxation and rejuvenation for him while also being considerate. He's normally down in the kitchen by around 5:30, in time to see Beel filling his water bottle for his morning run. He brews himself some coffee, then goes back to his room to finish off any work he didnt get to and organize his work he has to do for the rest of the day. When his coffee is empty, he heads back downstairs and knocks on the doors of those most guilty of oversleeping before making sure whoever is responsible for breakfast is handling it alright, and making himself more coffee to tackle the breakfast table discourse.

Mammon

Def has an alarm clock that says something like "Gotta get that Grimm!!" With a pop out Mammon with a top hat and a cane and a couple grimm flying out in a very cartoony announcer voice. Idk I dont make the rules, my brain was adamant on this though lmao. Almost like a cuckoo clock but in alarm clock form, but the voice gets mire and more disturbing every time you hit snooze. Mammon scares himself awake by hitting snooze five times to bolt out of bed and reset the clock so he can get up for the day. He heads to the bathroom and checks himself out in the mirror, especially his teeth/smile. He uses mouthwash first, and gets ready for his shower. By the time he's awake, most of the hot water has been used up, so he gets about .5 seconds of warm water, and then the house hears him yelp as the cold water comes on. Hes a little grumbly about it, and goes to sit on his bed on his phone for an unprecedented amount of time until Lucifer knocks on the door and he gets his butt back in gear. He's quick to then throw together and put on his outfit, spray a tasteful amount of cologne on, take a mirror selfie and head down for breakfast. He doesn't normally have much of an appetite in the morning, so if hes not hungry for the breakfast provided, he gives it to Beel and grabs a granola bar and an orange. After eating he rushes back to his room to properly brush his teeth, double check he has his wallet and phone, and then head out.

Levi

Levi usually stays up to ungodly hours playing video games, so when Beel wakes up for his 3am fridge raid he knocks on Levis door as a signal for him TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. Levi's "morning" doesn't usually start til 12-2 in the afternoon, but he has to wake up at some point in between bc family breakfast is mandatory. But once he wakes up the second time its perfect because the house is usually empty, so its quiet and he can use ALL the hot water for himself. After his bath/shower he logs on to the games on his phone to do the daily tasks before settling down and doing his school work.

Satan

Satan usually falls asleep sitting up or reclined with a book on his face or chest, so sometimes he wakes up purely from discomfort. Other times its from a tamagotchi-like device that doubles as his alarm clock. He wakes up the first time it goes off, because he's eager to see the egg hatch/a pixelated kitten come out of a basket on his screen. He showers at night before reading, so he just gets up, checks himself out in the mirror, vrushing his teeth, and tries a couple poses with his jacket....he only stops when he senses Lucifer walking in the hallway, so goes to open his door just as Lucifer is about to walk by to try and get him to walk into it. Once the little squabble is settled, Satan turns back into his room to relax a bit before family breakfast. He takes care of his tamagotchi before hiding it in his jacket and heading downstairs. Satan believes breakfast is vital, so he always eats what he can and tries to be one of the first out of the house so he can find a few precious moments more for his digital pet.

Asmodeus

Hes the only one who showers twice, once in the morning, once in the evening. Asmodeus is a fucking disney princess...kind of, the birds outside his window wake him up and he chucks his actual alarm clock at the window bc they woke him up 2 minutes before the alarm. Hes a bit of a hot mess as he wakes up, but nothing a few masks, a hot shower, proper hair care, make up, a cute outfit and some confidence cant fix- because Asmo normally goes to bed early (around 10:30) (on nights hes not partying or smthn) he wakes up around 6:30 to get the ball rolling. He likes to make really foamy smiles as he brushes his teeth, being a little goofy in the morning feels healing. He checks his face for any visible lines or wrinkles, before uttering a positive affirmation about himself to the mirror and flashing another smile. He gets all undressed and has a shower- all his products match in scent and have very specific roles to play. Once out of the shower he stays in his towel on his head and his robe as he carefully plans his outfit and accessories, and then sits down to do his makeup at his vanity. He hums a lot, and sometimes has quiet classical music playing, though its always more cheerful than what Lucifer listens to. Asmo is all dressed and ready by the time Lucifer is walking by, so before Lucifer can knock, Asmo opens the door and begs him to take a picture of him in his outfit, which he normally gets upon giving the deadly puppy dog eyes so early in the morning. Asmo messes around on Devilgram until its time for breakfast, which he often makes himself because he caters it towards whatever diet he's trying, but its always a warm food. He cant stand a cold breakfast food. He'll often head out early to pick up a drink from Starbucks/the equivalent before heading to school.

Beel

If it werent for Belphies magic, Beel would always be tired bc of how much he wakes up at night and how early he gets up in the morning. He gets up around 5:00 to really just brush his teeth and throw some clean work out clothes on, and maybe do a few stretches. He also writes out any plans he has for fangol so he doesn't forget the approach he wants to take later. He has a towel and two water bottles he takes, on for water and one for a protein shake. He enjoys the quiet and the casual small talk he can make with his biggest brother while he gets ready to head out. He has a strict workout regiment he sticks to everyday, and comes back to the house around 7:30. He has enough time for a quick cold shower, then to make it back downstairs in time for breakfast. He won't leave for school unless he has a partner, be it Belphie or otherwise.

Belphie

Morning? Routine? This guy?!??!?! No, time is an illusion and morning is a dreaded time when hes physically dragged out of bed.

Diavolo

Oh he fucking hates waking up. Barb is his alarm clock though, so he begrudgingly gets out of bed on the fourth attempt to get him up. He rubs his fave to wake up enough to brush his teeth before taking a hot fucking shower that would boil anyone else alive. His clothes are set on the bed for him, but he tries to get away with as much sitting around in his towel as he can. Breakfast is sitting at a way too empty table and reading latest reports from nobles and Mephistopheles newsletter. Diavolo has a filling breakfast, because often times he forgets to eat if hes attempting to eat and work. After breakfast he does some planning with Barb.

Barbatos

This man straight up refuses to sleep. When he does, he freezes time to have a solid 16-27 hours of sleep bc goddamn hes exhausted. When he wakes up he takes his precious time, brushing his teeth, having a loooong hot shower, and then staying in his bathrobe and indulging in self care the way Asmodeus taught him. He stays in his bathrobe and face mask while he brews himself some non-caffienated tea. He reads a book as he drinks before getting dressed and doing his hair. He goes to his garden and tends to it a bit before washing his hands and brewing some more green tea and settling down to review Diavolos meetings and schedule.

Mephistopheles

Mephi writes best in the morning, so he's up bright and early around 5 o clock, and has showered, dressed, and brushed his teeth by 5:15. He does some morning stretches and meditation before settling down to write uninterrupted from about 6-7:30. Bc I like to project, he def takes care of his little brother, so at 7:30 on the dot he stops whatever he's doing to go make breakfast for him and his brother, who is just barely waking up and going into the bathroom. Food is on the table by 7:45, which always has a carb, protien, and a fruit. Meph would have coffee, but usually makes a smoothie so both he and his brother can enjoy it. On days his brother is awake early enough, they make the smoothies together. By 8:30 they are out the door so Meph can drop his brother off before going to school himself. (Hc his brother to be 8-10 ish)

Simeon

Similar to Meph, Simeon likes to do grammar and proofreading in the morning, so he's up around 6 to do 15 minutes of yoga before proofreading. Around 7, he does another half hour of yoga before knocking on Luke's door and asking if he wants to join him for a walk. Simeon makes food the night before, so when he comes home he has a cool shower and eats breakfast on the way to school.

Luke

Again, bc I like to project, Luke sets his alarm for 6, so he has time to play in the morning with his stuffies. When Simeon knocks on his door to see if he wants to go for a walk, he usually agrees and quickly gets his clothes on and teeth brushed. He takes showers at night, so as soon as they get home he also grabs one of whatever Simeon made the night before to eat for breakfast. On the way to school he texts Barb good morning, and tells Simeon everything he's looking forward to learning that day.

Raphael

He doesnt sleep well because of PTSD and flashbacks, so he's also awake early, around 4:30 and brushes his teeth. He does language study for an hour and a half, and when he hears Simeon wake up he heads to the courtyard to practice martial arts and sparring. At 7:30 he's back inside, has a QUICK like...2 minute cool shower, polishes his spear and brushes his teeth one more time before heading to the kitchen and meeting Solomon for whatever monstrosity breakfast may be. Thats about all his willing social interaction for the day, and eats on the way to school.

Solomon

He's almost as bad as Lucifer, but wakes up at some point after falling asleep at his desk to go get into bed. He has an alarm set for 6:30, and uses a spell to hide it somewhere in his room. That way when it goes off he has to physically get up and find it to turn it off. He hates it, but its what works best at least on weekdays. Weekends are different xbdjdjd. He has a long hot shower bc hes lonely and gets dressed. He always entertains the idea of stretching/meditating/etc but waves it off bc he can just magic peace of mind and joints that dont creak, right? Admittedly, if he's running late he skips the shower and just magics it ....sometimes he does it for a few weeks bc its just ...convenient. He heads to the kitchen to make breakfast and lunch for him and Raphael. Once Raph leaves Solomon sits by himself at the table and lets the existential dread of being lonely forever wash over him before shaking it off and teleporting to school just in time.

Thirteen

Bdjdbdksos shes the queen of multiple alarms, they are set for 6:30, 6:45, 6:50, 6:55 and it usually gets smashed if it gets to that point. Aka she just hits it repeatedly, she chucks it, she stomps on it, whatever. After huffily getting rid of the shrapnel, she goes straight to the bathroom her lionsmane of bedhead for a shower. I think she eats mints in the shower...like she pops one in her mouth before going in. She has a warm shower and usually only stays in as long as it takes her to wash her hair. Def sings in the shower. When she gets out she changes right away, keeps the towel around her shoulders and has a mini karaoke session with herself, the mirror and her hairbrush as she tames her hair best she can. Headbangs a couple times for that volume, if yknow you know. She puts her death metal playlist on and jams out/air guitars while she waits for her like....pizza pops or somethin to finish in the microwave. She usually has an energy drink with her breakfast, but some of the spirits that chill with her have been trying to push her to try hot chocolate bc they know she likes that too and its a little healthier. She heads out whenever she feels like it headphines blaring. Shes good friends with Madame Scream, and gets a free cookie or cakepop everyday from her on her way to school. Usually shows up early bc shes planning on rigging some sort of trap lmao. I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS????????????

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allhaildownwallydarling · 9 months

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Wally Darling AU'S with a Mitsuri S/O

Jenna's note:I do not own any Wally au nor do i own Mitsuri every character belongs to its creator and also i suck at writing so sorry if this sucks

TW: kissing,flirting,cussing,perverted,lovesick wally,inapropiate touching,no smut,no lime,teasing

OG Wally darling:Well when he saw you at first he thought you were kind,but oh boy you were too kind,you'd alway's offer him cookie's apple's ect.And let me tell you that this man puppet is on his knees worshiping you,wally at first didnt understand what he was feeling until you hugged him accidentally burring his face on your cocomelons,he swore to himself that he would sleep right then and there lets say he thought that your cocomelons were soft and squishy he has his new personal pillow,you even impress him by how flexible and strong you are dont get me wrong everyone in the town are puppets and then can bend over like a snake,wally found out that you were very strong becuas you managed to pick up barnaby with little strength.Wally would always feel shy around you but he would ask home if he should tell you about his feelings but if home declines then you have to wait for another year or probably for ever..

Opposite Wally:This mfker is rude af when you introduce yourself he just scoffs and walks away breaking your heart,but if he's in his house he will think about you and how nice you are this dude is a total tsundere,when you went to visit him he was surprise how nice you were while he was rude to you,your even lucky he lets you touch his hair but you only touch it as long as you give something in return,he'd often lay his head on your chest just to tease you he finds it adorable on how you blush yet he keeps it to himslf,this motherducker gets easily jealous if you hang out more with someone other than him he will get a little...messy...if he needs to,you managed to surprise him with how big your appetite is,he dosent judge you but finds it funny and cute but if anyone talks bad about you lord have mercy,your flexiblity is also another thing that impressed him and also how strong you were,this boy loves you too much that he'd give you small gifts becuas he's probably not into PDA but hey he's a tsundere and your friend...for now.

Lovesick Wally:He heard about you but home never let's him go out so he had to beg hme to let him out untilhome finally did an let me tell you when he saw you he was already on his knee's he saw you as a pure angle sent from heaven just for him he adores your kindness but he wants you to get sick so you both can be together for ever,he personally osent care if you eat alot he only cares about you,he'd often fall asleep on your chest or thighs,he finds it amusing how easy you are to tease,he is surprise by how strong you are he'd always imagine himself as the princes and you as the knight in shining armor,this mfker is obssesed with you.

RF Wally:You are lucky to be his assistant and not bieng thrown in the grinder,well at first he thought on throwing you in the grinder but when he saw how smart you are he decided to let you live,now if you do everything correct he may talk to you bit by bit untill he starts falling in love with you,the cold hearted person falling in love again is this a miracle? yes pretty much you have this man in love with you but he hides it very well,he gets surprised by how flexible you are not to mention how much you eat ill explain,you had were eating in your office a whole bowl of sakura mochi and when he needed to give you more papers he walked in on you eating 3 bowls of sakura mochi.Now RF wally did loose his duaghter buthe managed to keep her soul to bring her back now you bieng the good ol' person you are try to help him so he can be reunited with his adopted duaghter?,one thing he didnt know was that his feelings for you were growing by the second until he finally had the bals to confess.

Mafia wally:Welcome to the family when he saw you he thought that it was love at first sight,he'd often give some of his members some difficult task but to you some easy task becuas he has a soft spot,he'd often tease you becuas he finds it cute how flusterd up you get,he adores your kindness and innocence,whenever you drop something and bend over he gets the chance to smack your ass (smack my ass like a drum)he'd often "acsidentally" put his hand on your cocomelons or thighs imean this man drooling over for you,you have him going crazy for you,he will kill anyone who touches you in anyway becuas he dosent like it when someone touches whats his so if you dont see that person the next day you know why.

#Welcomehomexreader #Wallyxreader #RFWallyxreader #Oppositewallyxreader #Lovesickwallyxreader #Mafiawallyxreader #mitsuri reader

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jaethecreator · 8 months

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lets put on our imagination caps !!

changbin and chan are both weightlifting rivals who compete competitively against each other. however, one of them (personal preference, but ill say chan since i talk about bin so much 🤭) gets permanently injured and has to retire from the sport. while changbin continues competing, chan is struggling to get used to life without competing, so he decides to become a coach instead (maybe training someone to take his spot against changbin as a rival) but as time goes on, chan begins to slowly start putting on more fat—having been so used to eating lots and burning off the calories working out/turning the gain into muscle—so while coaching his prodigy (any member but i’ll say jeongin) chan is continuously gaining and looking less and less than the weightlifting athlete he used to be! so used to his big appetite, alongside telling himself he deserved to relax his diet after so many years of competing, he definitely blimps up.

things start getting hot when chan sees changbin at a weightlifting event, where hes come to coach and support jeongin against other rookies. chan definitely feels embarrassed, as well as upset hes not on the same level as changbin anymore. they have a tense conversation where changbin teases him, much like before but now directed at his weight. however, chan realizes that bin is blushing the whole time! you see, though both men were very competitive and viewed each other as rivals, changbin always had feelings for the other, but hid them to focus on his career. he thought when chan retired, he’d be able to excel even more and become the best, but seeing chan’s gain has him falling even harder!

at the same event, imagine chan and changbin leaving the gym to talk in private somewhere. chan believes its just to get made fun of, but finds himself on the receiving end of a confession and a kiss ! poor jeongin just wanted a coach to help him out, but instead receives a fat and happy coach chan along with his new weightlifting athlete boyfriend, finding himself more like a third wheel than a client 🤭🤭

on the nsfw side, imagine the confession a little less sweet and a little more steamy… changbin pressing chan against the wall, using his strength to push chan around like its nothing. mumbling about how hes let himself go, that he never thought he’d see him show his face again after retirement and DEFINITELY didnt expect him to get so huge. grabbing fistfulls of chan’s fat, making the older moan and whimper underneath him. when chan and changbin return to the main event red and sweaty, nobody bats an eye !!

#jae talks about shit #weight gain #skz feederism #skz #stray kids #seo changbin #bang chan

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boxcakeboi · 4 months

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Gilded Gluttony: Part 1

Hello Hello! If you’re reading this i hope you enjoy the story, I wanted to say a few things prior to the story, that being this is my first really official post i’ve made on this account, I’ve spectated and admired this community for a few years now, I feel now I would like to contribute a bit to it, I also write stories just in general but most are unfinished since I don’t have a motivator, hopefully posting and maybe people liking it will keep me writing it out till the end! I also imagine this first part might be a bit rocky but i’ll make sure to make other installments smoother! Anyways enough rambling! Hope you enjoy! :)

Synopsis:

It’s hard to claw your way to the top in a big city, grit and hard work alone can’t quite get you there, this is what a young hot shot named Keith learns after being skipped on for a job promotion, defeated he turns to his lazy kickback friend Gage for advice. Keith goes through a journey from fit, young, passionate dynamo, to a bear-like hedonist looking to take as much as he wants and some extra just for the road.

*In a modern office was two friends, One named Keith and the other named Gage, Keith had started at this Office and month ago, it was a super swanky office, most people hardly did any work and mostly leisured in the employee lounge, enjoying the games, tv’s, sleeping pods, snacks and Gages favorite the food court, Keith was at times, self obsessed with his body, constantly trying to perfect it to god level, he kept himself well groomed and was extremely attractive, with caramel brown eyes that pierce into ones soul, Gage was somewhat the opposite, he wasn’t a slob (mostly because he would get fired if he wasn’t presentable) he enjoyed food and didn’t mind overindulging, he was scruffy compared to Keith, he had pale skin compared to Keith and had a chubby build due to his appetite and activity level, his hazle eyes always looked very relaxed and his golden brown hair was lazily middle parted and had hair scuff from infrequent shaves, but he didnt mind all that much, his main focuses in life outside of work is gaming and smoking, he wasn’t a bum by any means, he just liked hedonistic behavior.

This has been the same interaction between the two even since they were friends and high school, though college and during this job, they enjoyed each other a lot and there personalities compliment eachother, Keith helps motivate Gage and Gage helps Keith to mellow out when he’s to high strung.

The two where at the food court talking, It was a big day for Keith he was getting ready for his meeting with his and Gages Department Lead*

Keith: *he gripped his fist* today is day! i’m gonna go in there and show Henry Vanberk what I’m capable of! and then i’ll be so close to getting that promotion today!!

Gage: *he chuckled a bit* quite the manifesto there huh? *he took a bite out if his burger he was eating*

Keith: well yeah! this is huge! and speaking of! my meeting is in ten! i’ll see you in a bit Gage! *he dashed off*

Gage: *he shrugged and kept eating*

*in the Department Lead’s Office, the office was quite open and was modern in design*

Henry: *he sat behind he large desk tapping a pen*

*soon a main entrance to his office opened and popped in his secretary*

Secretary: Mr.Vanberk, Keith Findley is here to see you

Henry: perfect! send him in!

Secretary: certainly…

Henry: Thank you Lana

*she popped out and led in Keith and closed the door*

Keith: Mr.Vanberk, Thank you for taking time to speak with me today

Henry: Of course Keith, my pleasure, I do hope your time here has been treating you well…i’ve been watching you and you’re absolutely on fire!

Keith: *this made him absolutely light up* Thank you Mr.Vanberk

Henry: no thank you Keith! you bring such an energy to the office, I was quite hesitant to hire you considering Gage recommended you, but you have shown such great results, even you have increased Gage’s performance just being here for a month and some change, absolutely impressive!

Keith: I deeply appreciate you are seeing my work sir

Henry: certainly Keith, your young vital spirit is what we need here…of course you also know why called you in here

Keith: yes sir…

Henry: The position you desire, Assistant Lead is an important job and you have that strength and endurance to get that job done…but Keith you’re not quite there yet…

Keith: *he stomach fell, and despair hit him, he was white as a ghost at this point*

Henry: You hit every criteria we are look for except one…your not tenured enough, we want you to grow some more in your position before we move you up

Keith: M-mr.Vanberk i dont mean to come off as questioning your decision, but i’ve consistently been dominating in performance, I crank out the most work, I may be young and new but wouldn’t a position like his help me get that experience??

Henry: *sighs* i understand that but the person we gave the position to is tenured and performs well also, look you have all the material and attributes about you to achieve greatness here, but that only happens in its own time…right Keith?

Keith: Right…

*the two thanked each other and Keith left*

*at Gage’s desk*

Gage: *he was leaning back in his chair watching youtube on his computer, he looked up and saw an absolutely hallow Keith* woah! shit dude are you good?

Keith: *he stood there for a moment, his lips quivering and soon a few tears fell*

Gage: *he sprang up and went to Keith* oh shit dude! come over here!

*Gage took him over to one of the closets in the office*

Gage: are you all good? man whats the matter?

Keith: *holding back tears and covering his face* i didn’t get the job…

Gage: w-what no way?? you more qualified than anyone else here! you where top performing in our team just three weeks in! how could there be someone better?

Keith: Henry told me i’m to new and young…he went with someone more seasoned….i came in here like a fireball breaking performance records and all for this…

Gage:i’m sorry dude…you know what fuck this! lets get out of here!

Keith: I can just quit this job Gage!

Gage: no i dont mean that! we’re off of work in a bit, come over to my place, we will chill dude! i’ll give you some advice and we can bash on old ass Vanberk!

Keith: *he chuckled and sniffled* sounds good dude…

*at Gage’s apartment*

Gage: *sitting in his gaming chair* dude from here on out do as little as possible at work and take as much as possible, everyone fucking does it at work, play games in the lounge for most of your shift, take as much snacks as you want, take longer breaks and lunches, and just get the bare minimum amount of work done, you get paid the same at the end of the day

Keith: *sitting on Gage’s couch* are you sure dude? seems…bad…

Gage: dude everyone does it, Vanberk hardly even knows whats going on half the time, take advantage of your surroundings…

Keith: i dont know dude, it seems greedy…

Gage: trust me dude, you wont regret it

Keith: i guess so man, i am pretty pissed about that get that position!

Gage: yesss, sweet man, you’re gonna love it! hey and you deserve to relax, you should chill and watch a movie with me, i’ll order pizza!

Keith: *he laughed* sounds good dude

*the two where waiting on the couch for the pizza to come, Keith took off his over coat, and Gage went into full comfort mode*

*the door bell rang and Gage popped up and grabbed the pizza*

Keith: *he looked at Gage and was shocked* dude 4 pizzas?

Gage: yeah man! i got all kinds of toppings

*the two ate and started watching the movie*

Keith: *he was gorged on 3 slices and he looked at Gage who had finished a whole pizza and was picking at a second one, Keith then noticed Gage put of some weight since college, being once a thinner guy, but now sported a gut, he was so relaxed and happy with his life, enjoying the things he wants with the money he makes, he doesn’t worry about others opinions or expectations, he lives for himself, in a way Keith desires that*

Gage: *he burped loudly* oops ‘scuse me *he patted his gut*

Keith: hey Gage?

Gage: whats up man?

Keith: how do you like?…um live like this?

Gage: Uh like what?

Keith: Like so….chill

Gage: hmm well i guess it come from a mixture of not giving a fuck and trying to be high when i can be, i wanna live my life for me dude you know?

Keith: god i wish i could do that…

Gage: why not?

Keith: I feel too guilty…

Gage: no need to feel guilt man, this world takes as much as it wants from us all time, why not take back for our selves some time?

Keith: i suppose your right…

Gage: hey come over here more often, you’ll get it…you wont wanna bend over backwards ever again

Keith: I guess it would be worth it to learn how to be a bit more chill…

Gage: hell yeah

*the next day a work*

Gage: Imma teach you how to work a bit more self preserving hehehe

Keith: *he was bit sad about getting rejected for the job and he was rather spacey this morning* ……

Gage: Uh Keith?

Keith: huh? oh! sorry my bad, i was drifting off

Gage: are you thinking about what happened yesterday?

Keith: yeah…sorry…

Gage: No! don’t be, channel those feeling into encouragement to take back whats yours!

Keith: *sighs* feels impossible, it’s eating away at me, if i’m not being the best possible why should i even be around…

Gage: *he took a deep breath in and had serious face* Keith just because you weren’t noticed for your frankly back breaking work doesn’t mean there is an issue with you! its the people who chose not to acknowledge the work problem, you did everything you could, thats what matters, you tried! but now you have choice to continue to sacrifice yourself, or do something for yourself for once!!

Keith: *he thought for a second, tighten his fist* show me how you do this Gage!

Gage: perfect…

end of part 1

Hope you liked it! next parts will get into more hedonism, weight gain, slob, gainer and gay/queer stuff, stay tuned!! :))

#fat #chubgay #gay gainer #obese gainer #belly gainer #hedonism #bhm wg #male weight gain #getting fat #overweight #obese #slob #fat gay #gainer stories #Adipophilia #fat queer love

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fayeelikefairie · 8 months

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♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.The start of brightst☆r,episode 3:♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴:

"Questions and ideas"

01:57 ━━━━●───── 02:55

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷ ㅤㅤ↻

Tw:mental illness,loss of appetite,insecurities,overthinking,refusal for help,mention of cigarettes,uhh if anything else tell me

The rain poured down,landing on the concrete and on the flowers in the school yard. Beating down in the window,the muffled sound of the rain was in the background of the teacher talking. Ami was taking notes,waiting for lunch to come around so she can sit with leo/need as usual,since Saki said she needed to tell her something. Ami was thinking as well,how could she make Sora and the others like tutoring?... she didn't want it to be boring,but how?.. maybe a music playlist?.. maybe letting people help out? No,she was supposed to tutor them,not let them tutor her.

A tap on her shoulder made her jump. "Huh?!.. sorry shiho.." she looked over to see Shiho. "It's fine. Did you bring food?" Ami nodded,but turned,seeing Rei pass,with no lunch "yeah.. give me a second,I'll be back.." Shiho nodded,looking at Ami walk out and greet Rei. "Hey Rei,uh.. do you have any lunch?" Rei didnt give an other reaction or speak,but it was apartent she didn't. "Here.. take it" Ami smiled,Rei just awkwardly nodded.. what about her? She walked back into the room,to shiho "sorry about that,.." ami said. Shiho started to walk out. "It's fine." She sighed "let's get going. You know how saki is." Ami laughed catching up to her "yeah!..."

✎〰 Ami Sat down "shiho! Ami!" Saki said brightly,"what took you so longggg?" She asked,taking a bite of a sweet. "Just talking to a friend,don't worry Saki!" Ami Sat down,like her worry had gone away,but It was just a way she acted around them. ",okayy!! Oh I wanted to ask you where you were yesterday? We were all supposed to hangout,but you didn't come!" Saki frowned.Amis heart dropped "sorry saki,I totally forgot! I had to tutor some of my classmates and got distracted.." her cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Saki gasped "tutoring? That sounds so cool!" Ami pat her shoulder. "It's just helping some students.. not very cool but the people are!.."

Honami perked up,taking bite of apple pie. "Your pretty smart,the teacher know what she was doing when she chose you!" Honami said with the assuring,calm smile. "Your not eating... you want an apple pie?" Honami asked her,grabbing a untouched apple pie slice. "Have you eaten enough though?" Ami asked honami. Who nodded "mhm,you have one you can't starve.." honami had a worried face as she put the pie in her hands, "okay okay I will..," Saki also gave her a peice of her lunch "here! You should also take this!" Ami nodded. "Oh thank you... I'll bring my lunch Tomorrow,promise!" Shiho spoke up. "You better. It's unhealthy to not eat anything." Ami nodded ",I know shiho,but Rei seemed like she needed it..' shiho nodded "don't do that to much." Ami nodded.

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏

After school,they all met. And Sora tried to leave,but got stopped by rei "tutoring,don't skip it." She said in a soft voice,Sora did a small nod,rolling her eyes "yeah. Yeah." Rei heard ami talking but watched Sora. She smelled of cigarettes,and her body was less tense then it was in class. Ami was making sure everyone has their stuff. "Did you get the math homework,also the reading essay we have?" Sora got it out and showed her,Rei just nodded,Akira found them a table,and they all sat down.

"You guys wanna do math of reading?.." ami asked with a soft voice that sounded like she was trying to sound serious like yesterday and failing. "It's whatever you want!..." Akira said,putting a bandaid on the skin around her nails,as it was bleeding. Sora just said "reading." And Rei shrugged,Ami nodded,panicing on the inside,her body tensed up. These people don't care? What if they dont wanna do math today? What if- "hey. We gonna do this or what?" Asked sora with a less harsh tone then last time. ,"o..oh yeah,let's do it,.. get out the essay paper please.." she said,Rei and Akira got them out. "I already finished it." Sora Said. Ami blinked "oh.." Sora got out a unfinished reading paper from a week ago. "I'll work on this stupid thing instead."

Ami nodded "okay.. if you need help tell me.." Sora nodded, "help them. I got this." She said in a small voice. Ami nodded,looking back where Rei and Akira were "do you wanna do the essay or math..?.. sorry" Ami asked,her serious mask gone yet agian. Inconsistent. Rei blinked,why was Ami faking confidence? "Can we do both?" Rei said softly,unable to hear. Rei cringed at herself. Not used to speaking to much. "Of course,we have time!.." Ami said, with a mask. The mask agian. They began,and as they were close to finishing,She heard the smack on the table from where Sora was sitting.

"Fuck-.. that hurt.." Sora mumbled,Ami gasped,walking over to the blonde. "Hey,do you need any help?" Sora lifted her head,her eyes twitching yet glossy. "I'm good." Ami blinked "are you sure,?.." Akira peeked over "that math paper? I thought you said you were gonna do the reading paper." Akira said brightly. "I changed my damn mind,okay?!.. just im-" Akira cut Sora off. "This is how you do the problem.. here" she explained it,And Sora blinked. "H-huh?.. you still.." she frowned,but listened. "Thank you.. astrid?.." Akira,Ami,and rei laughed,rei doing a small giggle "Akira,close though!" Sora felt herself smile. And her cheeks head up,one part of her brain embarrassed,she looked down at the paper,fixing it.

#project sekai #project sekai oc #project sekai fangroup #project sekai fanfic #project sekai angst #hastune miku colorful stage #brightst☆r

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thatbitchsimone · 1 year

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Sorry for another eating relating question omfg. But what is it like to live without an ed? Like do you ever consider the calories or anything when choosing something to eat?

no worries babe this question is completely fine and its totally understandable that ur wondering this.

i just dont think much about food. like dont get me wrong i love me some good food and i enjoy food ofc but i just dont give it much thought beyond that like food is only on my mind when i get hungry or maybe i see something that looks or smells rly good. like i just eat. i wake up and i eat breakfast bc i need the energy and thats just part of my routine. i almost never eat lunch bc im too busy during the day and that time of day is when my adhd meds are at its peak so i dont have much of an appetite right then so it just doesnt cross my mind, i get home and i eat dinner and thats the best meal of the day imo bc thats around the time my meds have worn off and i feel hungry and my appetite is normal again so i eat a pretty big dinner and enjoy it and then some time later at night i will eat a snack or something small (like a sandwich or some cereal or whatever or maybe i just want some chocolate or ice cream lol whatever im craving) just to make up for the skipped lunch and to make sure i get some more calories in so that i dont eat too little bc i just want my body and mind to function as well as possible and i wanna look after myself like i want to nourish my body at least somewhat properly bc why wouldnt i u know?

so yes i do very loosely somewhat keep track of my intake but i dont rly consider calories much. i just know the amount of calories a woman my height and age need daily in order to function and feel good and use it for reference i guess. kind of a pointer so i know im eating enough. this is just me tho like i know most ppl dont even need to make an effort to reach a certain daily intake like thats just something i started doing bc i noticed i have a tendency to forget to eat or not eat as much as i should if i dont monitor it at all and thats just not good for my health or my confidence (there was a period when i was depressed and neglected my health and just didnt put this tiny effort in and i dropped some weight and i just didnt feel as good about myself like i felt frail and childish and shapeless and kinda bony and idk i just felt so unsexy like thats just not for me and i dont want that to happen again so i im a bit more mindful and concious about it now)

#like food is just fuel mixed with pleasure for me #its something i need as a human and also something that tastes good lol #tw ed

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girlhorse · 6 months

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in college when i had my first major ocd breakdown and had to go on meds i thought i had really bad GAD lol. that was my only diagnosis. but um i now recognize that it was absolutely full blown ocd lol

tw below for some OCD stuff i feel like sharing for some reason. may delete later bc i am going to get very ~vulnerable~

i was really scared to explain my thoughts to anyone bc 1) i knew logically they were bizarre and that embarrassed me and 2) i was scared talking about my intrusive thoughts would make them come true

basically i was obsessed with thoughts that my now ex was going to be in harms way or die, especially when it had been like. idk. more than 20 minutes from texting me

my intrusive thoughts were so strange..i would come up with really whacky ways that they could be fatally injured. like slipping in the shower or choking to death.

I knew these were unreasonable and weird and I did my absolute best to not pester my ex or make it weird. I didnt want to pressure her to do anything because of my out of control anxiety but it was getting super out of hand

I was getting so sick that I was having panic attacks if i hadnt heard from them in a couple hours, i threw up a few meals because of it

eventually i just stopped sleeping. Every time I started to fall asleep, my body jolted me awake. I had very little appetite and was holding back gags while eating.

The things I didn't really consider to be compulsions are pretty obvious to me now. on top of like intense magical thinking (believing my unusual thoughts were either going to cause something bad or that I had some sort of clairvoyance) i had begun publicly checking my pulse any time i was anxious. I thought i was being discreet but honestly my friends noticed it and asked me wtf i was doing ☠️ i was putting my two fingers on my jugular vein to see if i was panicking or anxious.

i also had a problem with compulsively reading the news in their area if i thought they had been hurt. in the attempt to get ahead of it. I was checking traffic data and friends blogs. It was honest to God a bit stalkerish and i knew that but i was terrified

I did tell them about it eventually and they were very gracious about it.

but this went on for a long time, probably months. Somehow i still coped with college classes and didn't fail anything but i was in a pass/fail school so no pressure to do substantially well

eventually i finally got my as to the doctor bc the therapy i was doing did Not work (it ws self guided CBT. I do not think the campus therapsit was equipped to handle the Brains issue i had)

i got put on a low dose of prozac, but when that didnt work (literally threw up a pill due to anxiety lmao) my doc increased the dose significantly and that helped quite a bit.

Anyway i stopped having so bad of OCD that i couldnt function, but of course i still have my moments

it took me like a couple weeks to figure out my fear was largely surrounding uncertainty and the inability to control things.

i think to be honest it is still present. and it seems to be triggered by major life events. Enzo is my new Subject but I'm better able to cope. It was hard when he was little leaving home, i was always scared I'd come back to a d*** puppy bc of something I did wrong. But! hes fine, we're fine. Him getting sick has been hard to deal with Because of this but im dealing. Im doing my best to just accept my obsrssions instead of fighting them or letting them spiral out of control

IDK what the point od this post is i just feel like i have to get it off my chest and i dont have a therapy appointment this week ❤️❤️❤️ my public tumblr is my diary:)

#gab gabs #mental health cw #anxiety posting

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cookinguptales · 1 year

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Re: how often does Guillermo actually see the vampires eat. In the citizenship ep, when nandor flies after that guy but loses his appetite and lets him run away, Guillermo was hiding nearby. I think it's normal for nandor to take Guillermo on his occasional hunting trip when he goes out to find his own victims, but that still doesn't mean Guillermo has a front row seat to the carnage if he hides out of the way. Just some canon that might add to the speculation... I personally like to believe has a repulsion/attraction to the feeding, bc none of his desires are simple (its the repression). Like if you saw him looking, no you didnt, yes you did. I feel like he is more used to seeing it than the cameras let on but it still pulls complex emotions out of him, esp when it's an unexpected kill.

I'm actually kind of unsure whether Nandor brought him with him there or if Guillermo had just arrived. He was poking his head out of the bus shelter, so I kind of thought he arrived just in time for Nandor to send him home? Which was why he seemed so annoyed. Like Nandor clearly wasn't carting him around, he expected him to take the bus. So I thought he took the bus there only for Nandor to be like "anyway lmao bye."

Either way, Guillermo wouldn't have seen the kill. He was off in the bus shelter. Which kind of proves my point.

Guillermo has a lot of very near misses when it comes to them feeding, being honest. An almost suspicious number of them. Like I was sure that he'd seen them eat the waiter during Nadja's dinner party in s3, but no, he was off fetching ranch dressing. That kind of thing happens a lot, and I'm not sure if the vampires are purposefully waiting until he's out of the room or if he's subconsciously (or even sometimes consciously) leaving so he doesn't have to watch them feed. Or if it's just luck.

I think, if I had to guess, that Guillermo is very good at compartmentalizing. He can feed victims to the vampires so long as he doesn't have to acknowledge them as human. He purposefully avoids learning about their families and friends (and seemed viscerally disturbed when he finally met some), he purposefully dehumanizes them as "lesser" than him, he purposefully refuses to form emotional attachments to them, he purposefully avoids watching their pain and fear as they die...

I think he's more attracted to the power and fantasy of vampirism than the reality of it, though I don't think he'd hesitate for very long at all if he actually got turned. He's too good at the depersonalization of food at this point. He still freaks out when, y'know, Sal Vulcano gets his neck snapped in front of him, but he can tamp down those feelings and move past them pretty quickly already. I think he'd be able to do so even more easily once he's no longer a human himself.

Strong vibes of someone who will buy chicken nuggets at the supermarket but would cry if they watched a farmer kill a chicken themselves. lmao

He'd get over it pretty quickly, though, I bet. My crazy little weirdo. 💜

ETA: Also, I’d just like to add that I don’t think that the vampires would wait for him to leave the room out of any real concern for his mental well-being or anything. But they’ve been shown to avoid certain behaviors in front of Guillermo just because they don’t want to deal with his emotions or disapproval before, so there might be a note of “yeah, it’s just easier to wait until he’s not looking because otherwise it’ll be a whole thing.”

#replies #wwdits #wwdits meta

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potpiehead · 10 months

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I've been struggling a lot with my Issue again after I thought I had it under control and it's driving me fucking crazy because it's on my mind almost constantly and causes so much frustration and whatever. Described below

I don't have an eating disorder, that's not what this is about but if you have an ED you might not want to read it

I feel hungry most of the time now because sometimes I just don't want to eat. I hate grocery shopping so much because I hate spending money on food and I associate it with the whole situation. Since it's easier to not eat, sometimes I'll just skip lunch or dinner and be hungry as hell and feel like shit. And I get sick of foods so often and it's frustrating because I can't stock up on certain things that I can always have on hand to eat.

I hate going to the store so much and I avoid doing it but it's also really hard for me to plan out what I'm gonna eat Because I can't think of anything I want and if all I have to eat is something I don't really like it stresses me out and sometimes I won't eat it at all. So like I have to buy foods that I enjoy but it's really frustrating to balance convenience, price, nutrition and actual enjoyment to the point that there are very few things I will actually buy. So I have to shop pretty often. I like getting food from restaurants but I can't afford to do that for every meal obviously. I'm not a picky eater by any stretch but I do want my food to actually taste good and everything and sometimes the shit that I make does not measure up to that. There are certain reliable things I can make well that I enjoy but I even get sick of those. I have dinner kinda figured out, I either make chicken or tofu, and rice, and then some veg and fruit on the side or whatever (and sometimes I make other stuff too). The other meals are a lot harder to work out because convenience and transportability is a much bigger factor. I feel like I have a very small capacity for forcing myself to eat things I don't really like so I can only do that so much.

I just put off eating like it's doing laundry or something. And because I skip meals/eat very small amounts of food on some days I am hungry almost all of the time. Just the other day I ate like a bowl of cereal and some other small thing and I had an upset stomach the whole next day. I've tried talking to my therapist about this but he hasn't been super helpful, and it's not caused by body image issues whatsoever so I don't know if he would know how to help. It's just like "skipping dinner won't hurt, and I'll be asleep soon anyway so it doesn't matter. And it extra sucks because I'm fairly active so I have a very high appetite and NEED to be eating more. And the past few days I've been occasionally feeling nauseated like I need to vomit here and there.

It's just so miserable but it's hard to tell ppl about because it feels so dumb LOL like I literally can afford food and SHOULD BE EATING but I'm not because I don't feel like it even if I'm literally starving. Often I'll be so hungry it hurts but I can't think of anything I want to eat or I don't feel like making food so I just don't. And this has been an extremely pressing issue in my life but it just started like, a year ago I guess? I don't know why. it's so hard to figure out and occasionally I'll have some good food stocked up and have the motivation to make it and eat it but then once I run out and I'm sick of those things I'm back to square one. I genuinely have not heard of anyone else having this problem either. There r ppl that intentionally don't eat, or have a low appetite for medical reasons, or don't have food but I've never met another person that sometimes just won't eat sometimes because they don't feel like doing it even if they are hungry.

And I'm posting this later but I'm actually writing this in my notes app on my break at work and Im just sitting here eating a lunchables that I didn't even really want because I am extremely hungry and I didnt bring anything to eat. It feels like sometimes I am absolutely frozen and unable to do anything because my entire mind is occupied with "FUCK WHAT AM I GONNA EAT TODAY" because I didn't buy groceries!!! which has been happening so much. or when I do have food I dread having to make it. im fucking tired of it dude. If I want to keep going to the gym and doing BJJ because I love doing those so much I need to get to the bottom of this problem because if I'm not eating enough then I'm just hurting myself. This is the only aspect of caring for myself that I really struggle with.. everything else is basically easy. but it's THE first thing I will neglect the second I feel mildly overwhelmed. If I don't eat much the day before I'll wake up and feel STARVING and like my stomach is doing backflips.

And it has nothing to do with body image in fact I would PREFER to not lose weight because I'm happy with how I look now (I haven't lost weight this whole time for some reason which doesn't really make sense but I really hope that I don't start losing weight because that is NOT what I want to do at all). I kind of think this is an ADHD moment (executive dysfunction) and the reason it hasn't been an issue before is because my parents would buy + make food, so I would just eat what they bought/made or eat school lunch so I never had to think about what I was gonna eat but now that I am 100% responsible for buying my food and feeding myself I am having a hard time. The thought of going to the store stresses me the fuck out but I have to do it so often. It sucks. I think I might get a chicken quesadilla from taco bell on the way home (Reading this right before posting it and I want to mention I didn't get one LOL) as a band aid but something needs to be done. I just got really overwhelmed as I wrote that Lol. Sorry for the wall of text

#i typed all this at work the other day and im still as fucked up as wver about it

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letmeprocessthis · 1 year

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Top surgery recovery

Never actually post here but reading everyone elses top surgery experiences and recovery timelines has been so helpful and reassuring for me I thought I'd post mine so far. I'm 5 days in and haven't removed my medical binder yet, waiting for another couple days to pass before i remove it to wash as i still feel everythings v fresh and i dont want to pull at the wounds trying to get the binder on and off.

The day of the operation (20th dec) was mostly a blur, my op was first thing in the morning and afterwards i was on so many pain meds I was out of it most of the day. I remember waking up after the surgery and feeling a very sharp soreness across my chest. I was initially given morphine and when released from hospital told to take 400mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours and 1 to 2 codine up to 3 times a day as needed. I didnt sleep well the first night sleeping propped up and on your back is h a r d. Due to all the medication and anaesthetic i was in v minimal pain but could barely use my arms at all, i mostly just draped my shirt/ dressing gown rather than trying to get my arms through the sleeves. I haven't seen a lot of people mention how much the tube they put down your throat to help with breathing during the op fucks you up. My throat has never felt so dry and sore, trying to swallow anything was near enough impossible without drinking constant water with it.

The second day was the worse so far pain wise, the codine helped a l o t . My range of movement was still very limited i couldnt put on my seat belt or open any doors at all, even struggled picking up the kettle to make a cup of tea. My throat was still completely fucked up but it was slightly easier to eat and my appetite was significantly higher than the day before. I passed out for like 10 hours on the second night.

The third day was when the itching really started. My throat was mostly back to normal and I found i didnt need codine anymore to manage the pain (which was great that stuff makes you so bloated and woozy) my range of motion was improved and i found i could get button up shirts on by myself and open doors again. The pain was very minimal and i actually felt quite energetic this day but the itching was an absolute nightmare and i got next to no sleep.

The forth day started off well, the pain was very minimal so long as i kept up with the ibuprofen and my range of movement is still improving. However the itching was intolerable and at about midday i was hit with the most intense exhaustion I've ever felt. I ended up napping twice during the day and going to bed at 8pm and not getting up till 8am the next day 😅. I started getting very strange tingling and warmth sensations across my chest also which aren't painful but feel very weird.

Today my range of movements good enough that im having to be extra vigilant to keep my arms close to my sides and not move them as much. Im still itchy but less so than yesterday and despite all the sleep still completely exhausted. The tingling sensations and warmth are happening a lot more today which is exciting but with chest sensation returning the pains gone up a little (still manageable without the codine tho). I'm smelly af but dont dare try bathing properly till at least a weeks passed so im just gunna power through.

#ftm #top surgery #topsurgery #uk ftm #uk top surgery #trans #transgender #trans man

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symphonicmetal101 · 2 years

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OM CAST MORNING ROUTINE HCS

Sans MC

Lucifer

Mammon

Levi

Satan

Asmodeus

Beel

Belphie

Morning? Routine? This guy?!??!?! No, time is an illusion and morning is a dreaded time when hes physically dragged out of bed.

Diavolo

Barbatos

Mephistopheles

Simeon

Luke

Raphael

Solomon

Thirteen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed that lovelies! Its a longer post than usual but Im really happy wi this one!

Check out my other works through my masterlist and please reblog if you liked this!

#v talks #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me brothers #obey me undateables #obey me new three #too many tags fucks with the system so it sucks i cant tag for every characters....

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br1ghtestlight · 8 months

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I asked for tinimmy cause i love them BUT I also like the zeke and Tina ship(can't remember their ship name for the life of me) so do you got any headcannons for them?

honestly i dont know how to answer this bcuz i feel like everybody has such a specific fanon idea of them in their heads?? like canon tina and zeke is VERY different from fanon tina and zeke (not a bad thing especially bcuz they're usually written to be older and more mature in fanon) but im gonna try and stick to their actual canon friendship as its portrayed in the show :)

neither of them are smart but they usually get okay grades in different classes (tina is better at english and science, zeke does better in math and history they're both solid B+ students in those classes) so they will often help each other with homework they're stuck on or help each other cheat off their schoolwork lol

tina originally attended zeke's wrestling matches for jimmy jr (obviously) but after they become better friends she starts cheering for him too!!!! he's always trying to impress her by using super complex moves that he isnt really that good at and he ends up getting his ass handed to him but tina still thinks he's amazing

jimmy jr will sometimes ask to hang out with both of them and get frozen yoghurt or smth and just completely forget or leave midway through their date (love this boy but he is dumb as HELL zero thoughts inside his head) which left them in an awkward "we're both friends with the same person but not with each other and now our mutual friend left us alone at a party what do we do" situation. this also happens frequently at tammy/jocelyn parties and get togethers so they've gotten pretty good at making awkward small talk and thats kinda how their friendship begins

tina will NEVER stop playfully arguing or teasing zeke even after they're good friends he doesn't mind it but they're always jokingly fighting w/ each other. nobody can ever tell if they're serious or not

tina doesn't have the biggest appetite and zeke has a HUGE one (and he doesnt always get as much food as he maybe needs when he's at home) so sometimes tina will give him half of her lunch and they'll eat together. gene is very offended that she didnt offer to him first but she reminds him that they literally live together and share food ALL THE TIME (and he shares with louise most of the time anyway)

tina also sometimes brings snacks to school that she knows zeke likes and she buys them at the store :) she shares during recess

zeke walks her home sometimes after school (usually with jimmy jr louise gene etc there as well bcuz tina cant really walk home without them) and they'll just laugh and tell jokes together!!!! they have a very similar tense of humor and a very teasing relationship so its easy for them to get along <3

#me writing this and thinking abt my middle school enemies to lovers nerdy crush 😭#i still think abt him sometimes. i will give him one thing he was and continues to be very cute #ask #bob's burgers #headcanons

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heathermason · 3 months

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disordered eating... look away. enter if you dare...

iread more attempt.

im having eating issues "again" in the good old "i dont get hungry till nighttime and even then eating makes me feel sick and full" situation thats been going on for the past few years. it is so annoying when people bring it up IRL because it is very very obvious when we are Suppose to EAt with other People. (dude who only eats if hes high voice.) people only notice now though because of being the only person who doesnt eat at dinner or lunch or breakfast even if i make the food. like i KNOW i need to eat but ive literally have no appetite or good feelings toward food and eating and the physical discomfort i get from, eating a small bowl of food is just insane. i made mashed potatoes tonight for everyone to go w other dinner stuff & didnt eat any because i dont feel well ever. have safe food but the safe food isnt safe either. my eating habits get brought up like every other day by my mom or my neighbor (who comes over a lot because we invite her and her daughter to eat food we make. good to share food. plus sophia just ADORES her)

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thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife · 3 months

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Its so crazy…crazy that I am still alive. I feel like I am worthless, life had no meaning to be alive. I am grateful that I am still alive and breathing but its just something is missing? And I know it is not about love or whatever u call it. I just need affection from my loved ones and thats about it. I cant sleep and I keep thinking about my life. I am still thinking what am I gonna do with my life? How is my future going to be? What about my past? I keep on thinking about my future, past n present, I dont know what is going to happen to me this 2024. Am i going to be okay? Will I land a stable job this 2024? Is life going to be better than other years that I went through? I dont know, I will not know what will happen to me? Last but not least, what will happen to my mom? Is she still alive or ….. i dont want to say. I miss her alot. Sigh, life was much better though i had mild depression before I quit my job. My mental health is affecting me esp my health condition. I havent had proper meal lately… eversince my mom not feeling well. I guess thats normal. Ive been going out alot by myself and sometimes I had my lunch or breakfast alone but I didnt have the appetite to eat… so, i force myself to eat or just leave it there so I can reminiscing my life. I know its a waste of money but thats the only I way i could distract myself. Going out alone makes my mind ease but sometimes not. As usual, reminiscing my life. Life is hard and why do we have to deal with it? Becus thats life! Ha! Is my depression getting worse or getting better? I dont know actually. I honestly cant tell. I have so many things to jot down but It is so hard to describe it in one go. I am currently listening to spotify while doing my journal. I guess journaling helps me.. or not. See? I am very unsure of myself, is my condition getting better? I honestly dont know. Why am I very unsure of myself? Why am I lacking of confidence? Why is my self esteem is so damn low. I am trying best to gain my confidence but it is not working? I am very impatient when it comes to the outcome. I need to fix it now but i just dont know how. Life is difficult and its been bugging me alot. I feel like i lose hope to God. sometimes i feel like it is useless of me to pray 5 times a day? I know i know. I feel like an idiot right now but i am so mad of myself now. I am upset of myself. I dont want to hurt myself but i am hurting myself for not having an appetite like i used to. It makes me sad of myself. The more I age or grow up, the more I become unhealthy of myself. I do exercise but it helps me to forget my sadness. It does help but at times, it doesnt. I feel unhealthy of myself. I didnt have enough rest, ive been going out every single day. Its so unhealthy, by unhealthy means my mental health. I am physically and emotionally tired of being myself. Sometimes I wish I was someone else but sadly, I am still me. Thats life anyway, keep going forward and dont look back. But thats a lie, i still look back. Sigh.

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