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nothingiseverasitseemss-blog · 6 years

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Finally goodbye

November 3, 2017

It’s been a while since I last wrote, I always want to. I really want to start keeping a journal but my life is so busy.

So let me update you on my oh complicated relationship with the one and only Jaime Torres.

Jaime is still gone from my life. He tried to come back after EIGHT months and for a second I almost let him. I almost texted him and asked him how he was and how he’s mom is and if he still works at the mall, I wanted to ask if honey is doing okay and if his brothers are helping out their mom. But I didn’t because I realized that is not my life anymore. That is no longer my place, and as much as I wish his whole family and even him well, I don’t want to hear about it. There is no such thing as small talk with Jaime. As much as it hurt not to ask, it felt even better to close the door for good.

This was our last conversation:

October 3, 2017, 9:10am

“U don’t get to come back in my life whenever it’s convenient for u. We havent talked in months and the last time I checked that was your decision. As much as I wish you well, I don’t want to hear about it. It took me a long time to get where I am and every time we talk there’s always so much drama. Whatever you want from me Jaime, just let it go please. I’m finally happy and yesterday when I saw that notification from you every emotion I ever felt for you came back, And I refuse to let you consume me again. You left for a reason, I stopped trying for a reason, lets not forget how toxic you are for me. Part of me wants to delete this whole thing and tell you everything thats happened that last 8 months, you would be so proud of everything I’ve accomplished. But I probably shouldn’t even be texting you because you don’t deserve to hear from me. I miss you everyday Jaime Torres, but I am a better person without you and I hope you respect and understand that” - Audrey Phillips

October 3, 2017, 8:07pm

“I am glad you are doing well. I can respect that you want to keep the doors of us closed. I just wanted to reach out to see how you were doing and hoped that everything was well with your family. I’m sorry for reach out, it wont happen again. If you ever feel like reaching out and feel like you would want to talk, don’t be afraid to.” -Jaime Torres

As much as it hurt knowing he’s not going to contact me again it felt so damn good to finally stay true to my word. After 6 years of dealing with him, after 6 years of all the broken promises, all the lies, and all the tears I am finally free. I wish I could stand on top of a mountain and just scream “I’M FINALLY FUCKING FREE FROM THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME”

For a long time, jaime was the best thing to ever happen to me, even after he put me through so much I still always forgave him because that’s who I thought I was meant to be with. And although sometimes I miss him, I never want to know him again.. I thought I was never ever going to be over Jaime, but how many times can you hurt someone before they leave for good? I remember when I first left to college, saying good bye to jaime was probably the hardest thing i had to do at that point in my life. And we both cried and cried. I remember the day like it was yesterday because it is one of the last times I felt like he truly loved me. He was being a dick the whole day before I left and didn’t come over until the night time and as mad as I was I let it go, because I knew i was leaving. When he came over, we took a bubble bath and just laid there in each other’s arms not talking because we didn’t want to think about me leaving and then we went to bed and before you know it, it was 5am time for me to leave and time for him to go. I have never heard him cry so loud before. He couldn’t even get the words out in person he had to call me and do it over the phone. He apologized for everything he put me through the last four years. He apologized for every girl he ever talked to, for every time he said he would come and he didn’t, for every lie he’s every told me. I could feel how sorry he was and how sad he was that I was leaving. Although we shared quite a few more amazing moments together since then, that was by far the best memory I have of him because, as much as it hurt to say goodbye, for the first time I felt like he was really sorry and he was really going to change.

Of course that didn’t happen, and not only did he keep doing the same things he did to me in high school, he went even further and did something I don’t think I will ever be strong enough to forget. I also remember this day like it was yesterday.

My freshman year in college, I came home for spring break and Jaime picked me up from the union station downtown (because I didn’t have a car at the time) and took me to my house. The moment I walked in the door my older sister was drunk and losing her mind. She didn’t even let me take my coat off, she pulled me into her room and told me the news right away. My mom relapsed. This has been my biggest fear. I lost so much sleep thinking about my mom relapsing that I didn’t believe it actually happened at first.

Sidetrack: my mom has struggled with addiction her whole life. and when I was in 4th grade I told my step dad about it and he got her clean. And for the next 7 years of my life she was clean. Completely clean. and then Amber and I went off to college and we moved from the small condo to a nice house and sooner or later the freedom got to my moms head.

Anyways, when she told me that my whole body went numb, I silenced her out for a moment and closed my eyes because I really couldn’t breathe. I went straight to jaime, crying my eyes out and he held me for so long. Mind you, he was the person I confided in when I was afraid that this would happen. And then my older sisters ex boyfriend came over and we decided to get our minds off of it and start drinking. And then Cindy and i went to the bathroom to talk because the boys were gonna smoke weed and we both didn’t smoke at that time and then we came back and the night went on. Then a week later I’m at a bar crawl with Cindy and her ex bf is there as well and he told me “all i’m gonna say is you need to stop fucking with jaime” and in my head I was thinking, “who is he talking to now” because over the years I lost count how many girls he’s actually talked to, how many girls I have actually talked to because of him. At first he wouldn’t tell me and then my older sister made him tell me and man did those words from his mouth hurt more than hearing he cheated. I still want to punch him in the face every time I think about it. Jaime Torres did COCAINE on my kitchen counter the same day I found out my mom relapsed and cried in his arms for hours! I still will never ever forget that. That was such a bad night, I was drunk at a bar wish I never met him.

That changed our whole relationship. Of course, he tried really hard after that and I tried to forgive him, but it never worked out. We never worked out, and with me being away at college made things easier for us to hurt one another. We both hooked up with other people but it wasn’t until jaime got an actual REAL girl friend that he met off of tinder that we were not getting back together. And although, part of me knew I needed to move on, I once again I found myself in a fucking love triangle, dealing with jaime and his new girlfriend.

I knew I had to change my life. Since I was so in love with Jaime, I fell out of love with myself and that’s why I think it was so hard for me to leave him. Jaime was always the first to point out my flaws. He didn’t like the way I dressed, the color of my hair, the kind of shoes I was wearing, I was even afraid to swallow in front of him ( I still kind of am) without him complaining that I swallow too loud. if that’s even a thing? I spent 5 years of my life, constantly changing who I was to be who Jaime wanted and no matter what I changed about me, he still found something else that he didn’t like. He brought up me needing braces so much that I couldn’t talk to someone for more than 1 minute without thinking they are looking at my teeth.

Jaime never really told me how much I meant to him unless I threatened to leave him. He would constantly talk to girls, it didn't matter who or what they looked like if they had a vagina and they gave Jaime just the slightest bit of attention, he was all over that. And for a while, I told myself that “we are both so young, this is just part of life, jaime will grow out of this phase and we’ll be together again” but what does he do instead of trying to work on himself, he gets a girlfriend. When he first told me about her, I didn't talk to him for two weeks. and then of course, their relationship started getting bad and before I knew it, I’m naked in Jaime’s bed once again. The girls jaime would talk to ALWAYS knew about me and they didn’t care so I guess when he would come back to me after he was done with them, I would take him back because I felt like I won in a way and that at the end of it all Jaime still chose me, he would always choose me. (I know, it was really really toxic)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to move on. I’ve talked to a lot of different boys, I’ve even had consistent hook up buddies for a long time, and went on some really really awesome dates but they never turned into anything. And for a while I thought it was because I was meant to be with jaime, because know matter who came into my life and who came into his life we always found our way back and that was comforting to me. So for the first year and a half of college I had my hook up buddies at school and Jaime in Chicago.

It’s not as nice as it sounds, jaime developed a drug problem from the first time he did it at my house, and since I’ve been through it before with my mom I thought I could help him. I thought I could get him better. Drugs have always been a sensitive topic to me, it hits home really hard and he became insensitive to that, he started begging me to do drugs with him. He forgot that not only was I dealing with his drug problem, I was now dealing with my moms too. But when he got his new girlfriend they would go to concerts and do drugs together and that’s when I realized they deserve each other. Looking back, I feel so stupid. I spent so much of life chasing after a boy that was never going to love me the way I loved him.

Winter break of my Junior year in college, I spent a lot of time with jaime, and at the time I was also talking to another boy, named Graham, and we were talking for 7 months at that time. We would just have sex and go on a lot of awesome dates (even took a road trip to Colorado) but then not talk when we weren't together like at all, which did what you would expect it to do, fuck with my emotions because when we were together, we were really together. but when we weren’t it was like I didn’t exist. Each time we spent together, I slowly started falling for him, and I thought the more we talked the more he will like me. I always kept jaime close though because even though I was talking to someone new and so was jaime, I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye.

Anyways winter break was awesome. Jaime broke up with his gf (again), and we spent a lot of time together. And then my second semester of junior year started and slowly, the text messages stopped from jaime. And I was going crazy. Constantly texting him “are we okay” “do you still love me” “are you talking to someone” and he would always reassure we that we were okay, he was just busy focusing on “himself”.

And then Graham came to visit me a weekend in late January, and were laying in my bed just finished having sex and he told me he was talking to someone else and that he was most likely going to start dating her when she gets home for the summer in MAY! mind you, it was only January so he said “we can have sex until that, but once she comes home, we’re gonna have to stop”. At that moment, I just wanted to cry and run away and never look back. I was so confused because we just spent the last 8 months together hanging out and then he meets this girl and goes on a couple dates and all of sudden wants to date her, so I asked him “why not me?”, I remember being so afraid to know the answer, but I had to ask. And he said “He didn’t know, he couldn’t answer” and I knew that was such bullshit, but I didn’t want him to know that it bothered me more than he already thought it did, because if he wasn’t falling for me, I was sure as hell not going to tell him I was falling for him. So I pulled my big girl panties up and acted like it didn't bother me and just counted down the hours until he left. When he drove away, I knew I was never going to see him again because although, I didn’t love myself then I still knew I deserved better. I was not going to have sex with him knowing that he was going to leave me in a couple months to be with someone else.

When graham left, I went to my room and I cried. I felt so ugly. I thought I was never going to find a guy that loves me because my smile was not perfect. I know it sounds silly, but everyone around me had a perfect smile and then their was me “the soft smile girl”. I’ve been insecure about my teeth my whole life but we could never afford braces. So I learned how to hide my teeth as much as possible. I learned how to talk without showing my top teeth at all, and there was never a time when I smiled with my teeth, my laugh transformed into a small little chuckle and huge grin because I was even too afraid of my teeth showing.

I was sad for a long time, and during this whole process of clearing Graham out of my life, I didn’t realize that I was also clearing Jaime out of my life.

It wasn’t until valentines day when I sent jaime a valentines day text and he didn't respond until very late at night that I knew I was going to be okay. I didn’t bother replying with a long text message, I didn’t argue with him about it, I didn’t stalk his life to see who he was talking to. I just opened his text message that said “happy valentines day, I hope you had a good day, i love you” and deleted it. Because I knew he was moving on and I did not want to be apart of his relationships anymore. I made all my accounts on private so Jaime wouldn’t be able to stalk me. At the time, I didn’t know it was really over. But, the more I thought about everything Jaime and Graham put me through the more I wanted to be alone. I was the lowest, I have ever felt in my life.

Then my friend told me when I was talking to her about my insecurities, “someone told me once, if you don’t like something about yourself, only you can fix it, and if you cant fix it right now because of other factors, then focus on things you can fix”. And honestly that is one of the best advice i’ve ever gotten. And that’s when I realized that maybe I couldn’t afford braces right at that moment, but I could improve other aspects about myself. And I really wish I remembered more of how it happened but it happened so fast, I didn't even get a chance to sit down and reflect. I first started with making my bed every morning before I left for the day because I once read that, coming home to a made bed, even after having a shitty day makes you feel better and as silly as it sounds it really did. Coming home to a nice and made bed, no matter what happened that day, gave me comfort. I found a new love in the gym. I started educating myself on things that I always wanted to do but never had the time to or the motivation to do it, which encouraged me to change my eating habits completely.

I was slowly becoming happy and every time I felt like I was about to cave in, I think of the times Jaime hurt me. And each time I would remember different things but one story always popped up in my head. The day he did drugs on my kitchen counter, when I was maybe 200 feet away in the bathroom. I think about how bad my mom is struggling with her addiction, and how easy it was for jaime to offer drugs to me and continue to do them knowing I was really struggling. And with that, I found myself from wanting to talk to him to hoping he never came back. The more I fought the urge, the longer I went without hearing from Jaime, the less I thought about him, the happier I got.

For the first time in 6 years I was really alone. I was not talking to anymore nor was I looking for someone. I was falling in love with myself, every day that passed, more improvement showed. I could feel myself changing into a different person but for the better. I could feel how happy my body was that I was taking care of it. Although there were still things I wanted to change about myself, I stopped wishing for those things to change. I had confidence I never knew I had.

And then before I knew it, the semester was over and I was moving back home for the summer. Which scared me a little because that means I was going to be 10 miles away from Jaime. Being at school made it easier for me to get over him because I was able to distract myself but I could tell you the fastest way to get to his house from any point in Chicago. I was scared I wasn’t strong enough.

I must admit it was so weird not running to Jaime’s house after settling in, even my mom commented and said“I’m surprised your staying here tonight” because even though its was the longest I ever went without talking to Jaime my family always thought I was going to take him back. But there I was three months later, still clean. And then my birthday came along, and I was a little nervous because I knew I was going to be drunk if jaime texted me. Although, it stung a little that he didn’t wish me a happy birthday, I was happy he didn’t because honestly, it would have not done any good for either of us. We were not meant to be together and I was finally accepting that. As the days went on, the more comfortable I became in my own skin.Graham and I reconnected over the summer and I got finally got braces! And then before I knew it, summer was over and I was moving back to school to start my senior year in college!

When I found happiness within myself I realized, that I couldn’t let go of Jaime because I didn’t know who I was.

I wish I could write down all the awful things Jaime put me through, but the truth is, I want to forget about all of them. If I wrote them down I would be putting myself through it again. Although I have forgiven him, I hope I never see him again because, he was the worst thing to ever happen to me.

Nine months ago, Jaime stopped talking to me for a reason and for whatever that reason is, I hope he finds happiness within that. I hope he meets a love so strong that it’s easy for him to stay faithful, I hope he doesn’t do drugs forever, and that he moves to California and follows his dream to become a comedian. I hope he appreciates his mom as much as he can because she’s only getting older and she is one of the best people out there, I hope he takes every opportunity he can to become a better person, and most importantly I hope that he is happy.

If you ever read this jaime, I hope you know I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. I know you’re sorry, I’m sorry too.

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noahhernandez · 7 years

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original (April 3rd, 2013)

3 year difference (April 3rd, 2016

Difference ? (Feb 10, 2017)

3 year difference lol

1. Is this the best year of your life? tbh this year has sucked so far lol!!!!!

it is april and i have not turned up like expected

Only Feb. Things are going okay

2. What was the first thing you did when you woke up? turn on the TV and see what was on netflix

Laid in bed and contemplate whether or not to make coffee.. i did

Struggled getting out of bed for work

3. The person you like is? nobody.

my co-worker Darrell.

Kenny.

4. Is anything bothering you? The fact that my room is a disaster, my grade in Algebra 2 is a 68, and that i am not famous

The fact that my room is still a disaster and that i am dropping my biology course because it was too hard for me.

The Fact that my room remains a disaster, and that I’m constantly stressed out about school, and I’m really trying with Kenny but I’m probably too invested

5. Does anyone annoy you? A lot of people do, white people

A lot of people still annoy me

White People

6. Would you like things to go ‘back to normal’ with a certain someone? no

Angelica, Natasha, and Coby because things really were cool but it doesnt matter anymore

No.

7. What was the las,t thing you did before you went to bed last night? I was in my mom’s room with like 3 kids and some guy and i was just chillin out with them

I was laying in bed watching Family Guy

Filmed a speech for my public speaking class, finished it, submitted it, walked in on my roommates fckin on the couch, went to sleep, they fought til 530am

8. Is life good? its decent

I’m content, I have my own place, I go to school full time, I work full time, I’ve got great friends, money, a car.

Still have all those things, I’m just tired at this point

9. Do you remember who you liked on New Years? nobody.

Nobody probably wait just kidding Harry

I think I was starting to like Kenny

10. Do you still like them? nobody

I like him now

11. Do you still speak to them? nobody

Yes

12. Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? my dad, but my mom and i have a good relationship and i can tell her i am snorting cocaine tonight and she will be like ’ ok be careful xo’

Does not matter anymore

i’m an adult now

13. Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips? haha, no.

No I am not

Nope

14. Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? my cousin no she snorts cocaine

My manager no she is my favorite

I think it was Angel, and she is like one of my best friends

15. Would you go out with someone right now if they asked? what do you mean like out like lets get together or like hey im hungry wanna come with me to get wings

It really all depends on who the person is

not desperate, really depends on who the person would be

16. Three days from now will you be in a relationship? i hope not

No lol

Probably not

17. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? they do tell me sorry fellas youre kinda ugly

Yes

18. Have you kissed anyone in the last month? no

Yes

19. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? my back.

My back

Have not been to the doctor since.

20. Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? i liked it but then everyone left for me a week and i thought i was going to go insane

It does not matter I am always locked in my room.

I don’t talk to anyone at home anyways

21. Would you ever kiss anyone you texted today? i havent texted anyone today

Hm yes, my co-worker Kevin, but only because he is the best looking person I have texted today

Hm maybe like 2 people ? haha

22. Do you have any bruises on you? no thank god

Cuts and burns from work

I cut myself at work today

23. How was 2011 for you? 2011 was great actually, i ended jr. high really well, and started high school really well too making friends and stuff

Same

lol

24. How late did you stay up last night and why? like 1230, and no reason

230? because after work me and my coworkers went to IHOP and then just chilled out, and I watched like TV til i fell asleep

About 530 because my roommates were fighting and I could not sleep

25. Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? no

Kind of

26. Do you regret anything you’ve done lately? i regret um nothing

I regret nothing still

Nothing

27. What woke you up today? this sound of little Einsteins singing

My brothers gf was talking really loud for like 2 seconds

My brother waking me up and my 30 alarms

28. What makes you happy? coffee and snickers and boys

Coffee, cigarettes, friends

Coffee, boys, and friends

29. Ever kissed on a boat?

Still a no

30. Have you ever been told that you are amazing? yes

Plenty of times

I honestly dont think so tbh wait JK yes

31. Finish this sentence: The last person I kissed is… ugly?

A good guy. sorry lol

the person I currently like

32. This time last year, can you remember who you liked?let me think no

It is April, prom season for me… you know I think I was chillin’

Wowza, Darrell my co-worker at the time, he recently just moved to Ohio

33. Do you like when people play with your hair? yes

yes

34. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? nOPE GOT SCHOOL LOL

Nope, I still got school

Nope, this time I got work

35. Waiting for something? for someone to come up and be like hello u wana be famous and rich

To get my degree, then someone come up to me and ask me if I wanna be famous and rich

To become board certified and open a private practice and someone ask me if I wanna be rich adn famous

36. Was last night terrible? nah

No, it was a good night tbh, lots of laughing with all my coworkers

Sure

37. Did you lose friends when you started dating someone? no

no, i would not let that happen

I would never let that happen

38. Are you the type of person to make people laugh? yes i am i am the class bitch ass motherfucker but they think im joking

yes

Sure

39. Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive? i last texted angelica and she is pretty if she tries which is rare

yes

40. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? it better be mrs honings better have passes me

no, i have school and then work right after

Work til 5. Maybe something with my friends after, but I doubt it

41. Are you missing someone?no

sure

42. Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?no

no lol

no haha

43. Do you believe in karma? eh

not at all

Maybe a little bit now

44. Do you sleep with a fan on? omg i have too

yeah the ceiling fan and then a standing fan

Same still

45. You think anyone’s thinking about you right now? of course yes

i wonder

Probably not.

46. Is there anyone you wish you were spending time with right now? not really

yes

47. Do you go to school? imma sophomore

freshmen in college

4th semester in college.

48. Is the person you last texted single? yes

yes

technically yeS?

49. Who was driving the last time you were in a car? omg?? my mom i think

I was driving, brother in passenger seat

50. Have you ever used the word ‘rawr’ in an actual conversation?OMG NEVER IF ANYONE CAUGHT ME SAYING THAT I’D KILL MYSELF

lol no

jokingly now every once in awhile

51. Are the blinds on your window open or closed? closed

closed

Closed

52. Did you leave milk and cookies for Santa when you were little? still do lol

jewish

No i live alone now, so thats a waste of money

53. What were you doing at 11 last night? in my mom’s room with those people i stated above plus my brother

at work goofing off

Getting ready to get off work

54. What could you eat any day of the week & never get tired of? wingstop wings

sushi

Coffee

55. Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now? justin bieber???

a lot of ppl including celebrities

Shawn Mendes!!!

56. Someone knocks on your window at 5 am, what do you say? wat the fuck do u want im sleepig

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOMH

how did u get up here i live on the third floor

No i dont have a quarter

57. Would you change yourself for the person you love?no

Yes maybe ??

58. Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? wow u guesssed completely wrong

yes

um i gonna guess sure

59. What are you supposed to be doing right now? cleaning

getting ready for work

Getting ready for bed

60. Would you have sex with the 5th person on your contacts?no

im not even going to look

It is my ex, lmao, yes I would sure

61. To who did you last give the finger to? i cant remember

my coworker Jesse

My manager, Ware

62. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? on someone elses

uh no

No.

63. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? brianna sam angelica michelle and others yes

the majority of my coworkers and all of my friends i still have

Angel, Brianna, Brit, and like Michelle

64. Do you talk in your sleep? no

i do not

depends on the situation

65. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes they buy me stuff and i am forced to like them

i dont talk to either of them that much

Haven’t seen my mom in months

66. What time did you wake up today? 7:45

8:30

67. What were you doing at midnight last night? IN MY MOMS ROOM

At work fixing to leave

Leaving work

68. What song are you listening to? some chris brown song

Team by Iggy

Betty Who- Somebody Loves You

69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? like a hug

Yes

70. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? mmmmm

mmmmm

71. Do you have nice eyes? they’re dark brown

lolno

72. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? not really

yes finally

Barely, the tips are brown from when I died them 7 months ago

73. Are you texting anybody? no

Told everyone I went to bed

74. Do you swear in front of your parents? god no

75. Concert tickets or NFL game tickets? concert tickets

concert tickets!!!!!

CONCERT

76. Are you addicted to cigarettes? not yet hehhe!:)

yes, I wish i could stop smoking.

LMFAO “Not Yet” I’m on a process of quitting right now. Very difficult

77. Do you tell your parents everything? no

hell no

78. Do you have any tattoos? not yet

i have 4 tattoos.

still only fucking 4

79. If something was wrong, who is the first girl you would go to? idk

Brianna

80. Do you have any nicknames? bitch

Noahita

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