#and i highkey hate myself

[pezpenser205]

3am monday morning mood

#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here #op #........................................................................................................................................... #........................................................................................................................ #...................................................................................................................... #....................................................................................................................... #........................................................... #............................................................ #sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason #was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen #i dont have a lot of time #2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do #i feel like im dreaming all the time #'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now #its simple a + b = c math #(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here) #i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still) #i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal. #like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore #everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate. #im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point #when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity #i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore #im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling- #-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore #-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life #i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real. #this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing #i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here #i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all

[ancient-reverie]

oh cool so no one was going to tell me that glaze and nightshade literally don't work I had to find out for myself thanks

#hell o void #anti ai art #highkey gonna go fucking stab myself #also i absolutely hate you if you support ai art. i do see the cool parts of it. but at this point in time with how it's used it makes me #genuinely want to kill myself

[vulpinesaint]

sorry for talking about the fact that i work with kids so much. i spend several hours every weekday with children and do not do much else except come on here and talk so you can imagine how it is a significant part of my life and personality by now

#morning and afternoon shift combos too... #three hours with the kids in the morning. go home. come BACK for four more hours with the kids... #childcare sandwich. my day consumed and overrun by children on all sides #it's this and the reading and writing and sometimes the music i don't have much else going on 😭 #valentine notes #anyway if you did not know. i work for a before and after school care program for elementary schoolers #and!!!! as a summer camp counselor!!! now that summer's coming back around!!!!!!! #which i'm so excited for. lowkey highkey going to kill myself a little bit if i have to spend Any more time with the people i work with now #kids are fine i literally get paid to deal with them. HATE the majority of these adults though #i need to be reunited with the staff at the other location with whom i am all friends... #cruelly torn away from my summer camp counselor beach volleyball buddies every day of the school year #to work with the shitty people they send over here. heartbreaking #anyway

[binch-i-might-be]

my father has asked about my book because I stupidly told him I was planning to publish literally last year before my mental illness had explosive diarrhea for like five months straight and fucked me over so hard I couldn't write at all for the longest time and I was sitting there like. uhhh yeah that. that book that I Am Definitely Actively Writing Right Now. The Book. My Book. That I am Writing. Thank You For Asking

#i hate myself lowkey highkey el em ah oh #i know what scenes to draft i'm just very bad and horrible like as a person. sorry #rayrambles

[vaguely-concerned]

And I never did work out just how to touch you. Where exactly do you put your hands on someone who hurts everywhere?

I've been having a lot of feelings about act 3 Anders again, especially when romanced, so I made this about it lol. It's been a long time since I painted anything, I kind of missed it

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #anders dragon age #anders #my art #I've always associated that quote with anders -- I'm not sure if I have it from somewhere else or if I made it up lmao #I know I wrote it on a different anders sketch a long long time ago #highkey Thinking about anders telling hawke he thinks their father 'really tried' even though he did blood magic #and the 'I've tried my best; don't hate me for failing' at the end of the rivalmance (which tbf I've never done myself) #emotions #my particular and personal andersmance is a deeply unhealthy thing from both ends but. they tried. y'know. they really did try #sometimes you are just two walking bruises trying to avoid where it hurts as you touch and you can't

[pinetrees-in-the-water]

Ngl im tempted to draw and post fanart / art of my creepypasta rewrite here but I'm also terrified of the prospect.

#I highkey dont even have a love hate relatiinship with art its kind of apathy hate #I did promise myself im gonna draw more before my classes start tho so we'll see #If any of my followers see this post let me know if yall want art or no #I cant promise itll be amazing but it'll be??? #creepypasta #creepypasta blog #creepypasta fandom

[revasserium]

If you had attended one of the Haikyuu schools, which character would you have most likely befriended? Especially without having the in depth knowledge of their character the anime provides?

okay, so -- here we go :

karasuno: probs suga/daichi cause i'd be in their year LOL (im younger than suga but older than daichi hAHA) and also bc they're like the most "normal"; but if i wERE in hinata's year, prob yachi cause knowing my parents, i would've been in the college prep courses >_>

the rest of the team i'm not as sure of bc tsukki and kageyama r basically antisocial, yamaguchi is attached to tsukki's hip, asahi seems too shy, actually i'd prob be friends w noya too LOL im a pretty outgoing person. im sry but tanaka looks like he commits violence HAHAHAH so prob not him;;;

nekoma: kuroo? he snark, i snark back. kenma i go back and forth on bc... like he feel like he'd like the same indie puzzle games that i like, but i also don't actually play games all that often

seijoh: tbh idk if i would be friends with any of them; oikawa would probably annoy me bc popular boiz in hs always kind of annoyed me and iwa is basically his keeper. altho i can imagine myself as friends with iwa. LOL

#not sure if i can rly see myself beFRIENDING any of the other characters from the other schools like #bokuto is uNHINGED; akaashi is too quiet/stoic at least from the onset #the miya twins r EVEN MORE UNHINGED; ushiwaka is an ox; tendou is a LITERAL sociopath #sakusa hates ppl.... #like. its bleak out here for makin friends w the volleyball boiz LOL #HIGHKEY i think i'd be friends with ukai jr just like;;; chainsmoke and question life LOL #🌧 raindrops

[speakeasier]

i will say, i said this a while back. but i can feel the season kind of changing. when i went traveling, it was still dark-ish even at six in the morning. when before 5:45 you can already see sun. and now that i've returned home, i notice the suns rays don't directly hit some of my posters at sunset anymore. despite this. somehow it's warmer than previous weeks and i hate it...

#i'm still baked as hell like absolutely charred to the bone it is hard to function... #i can't even bring myself to write the update just yet laughing gosh that's so awful #i went from ABSOLUTE DEATH AND BEYOND MUCH DIE then coming home and STILL DIE but lesser #but still highkey die i hate it orz

[blow-a-kiss-make-a-wish]

todays the second day in a row I cried

#lmao I hate myself #on the real tho I think something is seriously wrong with me #like my health has been on a steady decline tbh #I’ve been getting these sharp pains in my chest and it’s freaking me out #and after the sharp pain my arms go sore #highkey feel like I’m dying #personal #text post

[harrysmaison]

.

#i lowkey hate my country and the lack of opportunities here #its the stupid race for success #m not brave enough to go down a risky path with no backup but backup could be unavailable #bc i slacked off first so #i highkey hate myself too #to delete

[hopelessromantic-ghost]

half my brain is rotted from noir and now the other half is currently rotting from claude. i cannot win.

#personal #I LOOOOOVE HIM SO MUCH 🥺 #my heart literally feels lighter just thinking about him. i want to kiss him SOOOO badly it makes me look stupid 😭 #all the servants and vampires and humans lowkey highkey hate him and are scared of him #and then there’s me 🥺 kicking down his door talking back to him never showing real fear because how could i be scared #of someone so pretty and so lonely? 🥺🥺🥺 #got me all messed up LMAOOOO i just want to cuddle him #i KNOW claude would fight me tooth and nail about it. saying HE don’t need comfort HE is perfectly fine #but even for all his haughty talk when i curl up in his arms and wrap myself around him #claude has to admit to himself that he does feel more relaxed and more at ease with his human so close #DKCNSJFNSKDNXNNSND IM SO DOWN BAD LMFAOOO #claude tag

[dooodle-bug]

mettaton is so cute i wanna hit him with a brick

#/lh/hj #hes such a fucking bitch ass i hate him but i love him if that makes sense? #stupid fucking microwave ass mf i hope something bad happens to him <333 #but he highkey cute tho. and i have been rotating him in my brain for an odd amount of time- #perhaps i am projecting #but anyways i love and hate that bitch so much i want something bad to happen to him- #i-use-my-words-to-express-myself

[confusedsiewmai]

I hate being a romantic at heart, but also being aromantic at heart.

I'm like hehehehe! Romance! Dates! Falling in love! Holding hands! I get giddy at the thought of marriage and having a lifelong partner (in both romantic and queerplatonic way). And then when I have to deal with dates irl, I have to grapple with the fact that I won't ever feel romantic feelings for the person. I hate how I feel almost... analytical, and evaluating the best possible route and weighing pros and cons like a machine.

#but somehow ppl get emotionally attached to me??????? idk what to do with it rn im highkey at a loss #talking to myself #vent #i hate feeling like and being compared to a robot but... well...... internalised arophobia and public perceptions have an effect on me #but im good and quick at deciding who i want and dont want in my life

[linumlena]

Sometimes the only thing keeping you going is your cat, huh

#lenas posts #im having one of those nights and grieving something i never had and it looks like i never will have #every friend i ever had i pushed away #i cant even explain why #i highkey want love in my life but thinking about dating and being in a relationship makes me feel ill #im stuck in a job i dont like #no goals or dreams or wants #just waking up surviving and going to sleep #the only thing keeping me alive is my cat because i cant cope with leaving her behind #i genuinely hate just about everything about how my life looks and how lonely i am by my own dumb design and i dont even know how to fix it #i know that i shouldnt believe what my brain is telling me at this hour #it makes a good argument though #maybe if i had something i wanted a dream or a goal it would be easier #but i dont #im terrified of everything #when my cat passes... i wonder what i will do #and she is getting there #she is 15 now #still in good health though #i need to figure something out. there has to be something that i could live for. living for myself seems unattainable. #it feels so weird desperately looking for a reason to live

[seonghwasblr-moved]

...

#maja talks #my life would be easier if I had just asked for more feedback and not failed my thesis #lowkey kinda hate myself #highkey really anxious lol #highkey trying to just take it for what it is and trying again #but it really does suck #i do not recommend #delete later

[abra-ka-dammit]

a video of a comedian with tourette's crossed my dash a couple days ago and i keep thinking about it because i realized id never actually.... experienced someone with tourettes? like it was a Concept in my mind that i knew existed and was out there but i'd never encountered it, and finally seeing it happen with a real life person was... idk, kinda jarring? because watching him i was like. yeah... if i didnt know what was going on id be pretty freaked out by that thing he keeps doing. and since my main touchpoint of tourette's knowledge was a south park episode largely mocking it, i only had a vague idea of what a real person with tourette's was like. obvs i knew it was more than randomly screamed obscenities but written descriptions of tics really dont do the actual acts justice when seen live, so it really was like. being slapped in the face with A New Thing I Don't Understand--which of course depending on the person can either lead to fear-based hate or acceptance of the new thing. i like to try to be the latter person.

and in my life, honestly just plain exposure has almost always been what makes me emotionally connect with "minority" groups, especially of the medical variety. its easy not to empathize with groups you don't belong to if you never actually have to see or hear them. it's easy to hate, then, too. without exposure to them, "people with tourette's" can just be a theoretical group of people you don't need to care about, because hey they must not number enough to matter because you don't think you've ever met one. hell, maybe they're not even real! but being introduced to real people who are Real Dementia Patients, Real Autistics, Real Tourette's Havers, etc.... seeing their human faces, hearing their human voices, seeing their movements and behaviors, learning about who and what they are and their experiences as that minority from their own lips; it helps you see them as human, and their status a human one.

theres not really an ending thought here. just having that wild experience of seeing something atypical "in real life" and coming to terms between my instinctual "what the fuck" and my logical "he has a disorder" to meet at "that's a person with a life experience I will never have or truly understand but i have no reason to discriminate against them for it, because they're really just another person"

#brings me back to my very young days tbh #i was the weird kid in school that would befriend the Freak kids nobody else wanted to #so i had one friend in like 1st grade who entirely didnt speak english who i communicated with largely through Charades #who no one else wanted to play with bc they didnt speak spanish #and there was this boy with some developmental disorder who was wheelchair-bound in i wanna say 3rd grade? #his head lolled off to one side and he drooled and couldnt move his crunched up arms well #but i would sit by him at lunch and talk to him and his adult helper #just being introduced to their existence helped me go 'oh some people are different than me in X way but theyre still people' #then in uhhh 7th grade? maybe 8th? i was in a science class and we were gonna do frog dissections in pairs #and my teacher came to me specifically and said hey are u okay if i pair u with so-and-so #idr his name but he was a rowdy and loud autistic kid who would break out singing disney songs in the middle of class #most of the kids highkey hated him and thought he was annoying #i too found it annoying but not enough to be a dick especially since i have an autistic cousin i lived with when i was 5-7 #and through my time with her understood theyre not trying to be disruptive or annoying but they just cant help it #so she paired me w him bc i was the one kid she could trust to just be nice to him and do the stuff myself if he was uncooperative #stupid shit #wow this is a lot of tags lol