#and i just do not Need to reconnect

[inkskinned]

you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.

you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.

he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.

a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.

he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.

you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.

people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.

wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.

also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.

he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."

you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.

"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."

he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.

you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.

is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?

you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.

#writeblr #this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol #by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations #and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me #& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what???? #like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it #''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother #and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!'' #yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious #anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it #it's seen as the only important thing #even if ur gay #and it's a nuanced thing idk #and while rn i i.d. as lesbian #like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like . #sexuality is fluid... #don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label #they're like GET in the BOX #if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me. #(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)

[canisalbus]

How do you draw so frequently???

I'm starting to think I probably have some passive ADHD so I end up always admiring ppl who can just constantly do stuff, it's like a dream, your art is also like a dream, Vasco is also a sweet dream, I really like Vasco, he looks really sweet

I set aside a little bit of time every evening just to draw, it's become almost like a wind down routine for me. It helps if I don't treat it as serious 100% effort hard mode art time, I usually multitask a little on the side, watch a movie or take breaks to do little chores around the house and art just sort of happens if it happens. Lately I've been making mostly personal low pressure feel-good pieces.

#this isn't really normal for me either I'm typically way WAY more shiftless #I've been unusually productive during these past few months but I may slow down sooner or later #drawing Vasco/Machete stuff is nice it gives me some badly needed serotonin and results in this positive feedback loop #so I keep making more #I also switched to different antidepressants earlier this year and I'm thinking maybe they have something to do with it #perhaps they reconnected some wires in my brain and suddenly drawing became a lot easier and more enjoyable who's to say #I'm just trying to make the most out of this creative period while it lasts #answered #anonymous #own characters #Vasco

[purplebehittindifferent]

Holy crap is that Chara from the Chara Timeline?!?!??

Awwww mannnnnnnnn 😎

(Hi @lilybug-02 !!! 💜✨💜)

#the chara timeline #tct #chara the chara timeline #lilybug-02 #mmkay now to harass you in the tags- #EVERY TIME I DRAW ONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS I GAIN A NEW APPRECIATION FOR THEM #art #my art #AND LEGIT LIKE #IM OMFING #NOMNOMNOM #Like her design is just so pleasing #and her colors were clearly thought out #and- and- I JUST LOVE HER OKAY?!?? #just- ✨💜✨✨✨✨💜💜✨💜🫡👏👏🫡👏✨💜✨💜🙊👏🙊🫡🫡👏✨✨💜💜💜💜 #I didn’t work on reconnecting at all today cause I just needed a break #and missed doing pieces #so I worked on this for three hours!! :D #but it was fun I really enjoyed it #kinda therapeutic #fanart #dr #deltarune #it’s funny cause I actually searched my page for CT tags today to see what I’ve already drawn of your guys an I was like #wait wtf where is it #then realized I’d never drawn any????!? #WHAT?!? #this has to be fixed immidiately #I blame my funky brain #:)

[novantinuum]

Anyways, I declare this era as Steven Universe Fixation 2: More Fun, Less Bullshit

#the fandom is more peaceful finally #there's less people being noisy with takes i disagree with #my fics are going to get less traffic thus less chances of rude commenters #i am Not majorly active in any SU servers #i do Not have to deal with my ex friends #instead this is a happy and joyous time for creativity #like legit... i got seven pieces of art done in the past two weeks #and i've written over 5K words since the beginning of the year #it's been so nice to reconnect with old stories #and to start dreaming up new one-shots #i just feel like sometimes i need to grit my teeth and go 'it WILL be different this time' #bc there's nothing i'd hate more than to drag myself into the same patterns and let the same things bother me again #so nope! #we're going to be Better than that #we're going to block when things mildly annoy me #we're going to stop looking at youtube comments #we're going to stop looking through the tags #we're going to focus on creativity instead of comparing to others #so speaketh jen #jen rambles

[nyaskitten]

I hate the stupid fucking cunts who manage Xfinity I'm not sorry. Why the fuck are you always screwing everyone over with disgusting fucking prices??? We had to drop cable COMPLETELY a few months ago just so we weren't as overcharged, and this cuntfuck of a company decides to continue being shit, and continue overcharging??? Actually go to hell.

#im sick as fuck and i NEED to get my hw in #its all online #unfortunately for ME the dumbfucks at xfinity cant even maintain consistent wifi #there are like half hour spouts of great wifi #then it keeps cutting in and out #and i keep reconnecting and disconnecting #afaik my family has been with xfinity for well over a decade #maybe even two decades idk #and these stupid fucking cunts cant do shit right !!! #its insulting #it literally cut out again WHILE WRITING THIS POST #absolute shitfest i swear #raine's rambles #tw swearing #swearing tw #ig. #just cuz i did it a lot more here .

[footnoteinhistory]

My childhood best friend who I grew apart from just posted a video on snapchat and she’s laughing in the background and I realized I haven’t heard her laugh in well over a decade. So I’m now having a very normal morning

#whenever I see those webweaving posts about childhood friends I’m like ha yeah sure whatever! #can’t really relate idk I don’t remember being a kid that well I don’t think about it that much haha :) #and then I think of her and. ouuuggghhhhh #she moved away and we just gradually stopped talking. no bad blood at all #we’ve chatted here and there she told me to stop by next time I visit roc (!) I hadn’t even realized she lived there now #but I have this horrible terrible fear she wouldn’t like me anymore. completely unfounded. just a worry #and I can’t bring myself to really reach out and reconnect bc what if it’s true. what if she rejected me. I think I would die #why do I think I’m so unlovable #what the hell happened #gd. I need to eat something

[a-wins-a-win]

unpopular opinion?? maybe?

Matt & Ivy have a really interesting dynamic!! both pre- and post-canon!! with or without romantic undertones!! either reciprocal or one-sided!!

and obviously it has to be handled with a particular level of care/respect BUT I think if we allowed them enough grace there is space to explore a really interesting possibility for that relationship.

#obviously Matt is not ENTITLED to Ivy - im absolutely not saying that at all #and he definitely did a lot of things extremely wrong and Ivy doesn’t HAVE to forgive him - she doesn't even have to *like* him #and in many stagings she actually doesn’t at all! even pre-canon she isn't into him on a *platonic* level - which i love for her #but I also think that - misguided & clumsy about it though he was - Matt is genuinely trying his best to see her as a person. #an idealized version of a person yes. but a person nonetheless. #which is what Ivy wants from Jason (and tbf he sees her as a person also but it’s an obviously different situation) #and while you can't force romantic compatibility (that was like. the whole point.) in some versions of the show they're not-quite-dating #- in varying types of “situationship” with varying levels of commitment. so it's not insane to me to say hey #maybe they need time to stabilize themselves and figure out who they are again after the events of the show. but maybe a couple years - #- down the line they reconnect and they're both in a better place & maybe this time it can all work out. #idk I think I just see a lot of people write it off entirely - and they’re well within their rights to do so don’t get me wrong #but I don’t think it’s fair necessarily to put them in the ‘doomed to fail’ category #wow okay I care about them as a pair more than I realised #tldr; give Matt & Ivy and their relationship dynamic the grace + complexity they deserve #mouse talks bapo #bare a pop opera #Ivy Robinson #Matt Lloyd #[as a side note - sometimes I think about queer Matt & transmasc Ivy & the interesting concept of their potential boyfriendism]

[as-warm-as-choco]

today i went out searchin Dragonball manga in english (couldnt find for the life of me) >_< instead got a buu figure (actually coin bank shhh xD) and a Shenron mug i just drank tea from watchin Dragonball :''')

also got the boy and the heron storyboard book at last!!!!!

#this is what my soul been needing for a while now and its sad i do it right now..... ive been meaning to when i find a room this year and #create my safe space to try be fully my old self drawing and watching dragonball and yugioh and all the series that shaped me and meant #the world to me...... its sad that an artists death reminds you that time is fleeting and you should have caught up but its precisely becau #life is fleeting and time in this capitalist hell is scarce to do the things that would fill your heart with joy... its sad we rush things. #to reconnect... its the reality of it... i know stupid people usually shame others when they get into someone's art when they die but i #understand.... if people get into dragonball now its natural to do so.. though its just so limitless its influence that they must be famili #one way or another for real..... i mean... he has influenced nearly every artist alive for 40+ yearssssssss #memories

[vampirejuno]

I need some sort of contraption that will zap me with 200v of electricity every time I look through old pictures or scroll through particular blogs or some such. It wouldn't stop me probably but it just sounds like something I should have

#christ i need to stop it #i just cant make myself delete the pictures or throw out the letters or any of those things i should probably do. i just. fuck #it's so stupid. why can't i get over it. it's my fuckin brain it should do what i tell ut to ffs #i just wish I had someone to talk to. but most of my friends were his friends first. and theres only so much you can achieve with therapy #and I can't go to my newer friends because its such a personal thing and I don't know them nearly well enough #and my old friends that i knew before him have drifted away more and more. i keep trying to reconnect but it just. doesn't achieve much #we call we have a nice chat oh yeah let's do this again and then it's silence until i write. i don't know what im doing wrong #i just feel so alone. #delete later

[metaphysicpareidolic]

just found out about On the Road (2012) and i am PISSED OFF

time to go watch ANOTHER MID BEATNIK MOVIE SINCE I APPARENTLY HAVE NO CHOICE

#i recognized the poster IMMEDIATELY WHEN I GOOGLED IT #I WALKED PAST THAT THING EVERY DAY IN SCHOOL IT WAS IN THE COMPUTER LAB #why do the british blue eyed dark haired STRAIGHT actors always end up drawn to playing allen ginsberg #i swear to god if i hadn’t already watched swiss army man #i would have needed surgery to reconnect my jaw to my skull after the gay sex scene in kill your darlings #there is a special place in hell for me where i can just yell about the devastating impact all these so called COINCIDENCES have on me #gay anguish #you know you’re a real homosexual when Certain Men make you want to throw up and cry and punch things but also laugh maniacally #how dare i be a queer in this economy #it is normal to have certain feelings #about things that are of interest to you #gay #on the road #the sandman #dreamling #tagging dreamling because they are the only ones who might understand my plight here #and also because they might go insane over a gif of tom sturridge kissing a guy idk #i found it on pinterest and my entire world was shaken to its core i could not believe my eyes #I’M EXAGGERATING #the man terrifies me tbh i’m afraid of men with strong jawlines

[computerhaze]

.

#trying not to get discouraged when all my art on main has flopped lately and i literally just lost a follower after posting the newest one #like ik people aren't as interested in witching hour but it's all i feel able to draw rn #doing a big commission on top of working an intensive freelance gig and still being burnt out from finishing witching hour #and i think i need to reconnect with the sheer joy of making work that feels inspired and creative #idk #i think i just need to draw for fun more and do the tutorials and speedpaints that i've procrastinated so long #do not rb

[jvzebel-x]

"And so the Hawaiians look at all of nature as important, and they look at the signs of nature as messengers coming from their family who has passed on. Signs come in rainbows, double rainbows, odd forms of clouds, they read the roll of the waves and some of the waves are signs that they look at, you know. Those are things that the Hawaiian needs to be aware of in order to fulfill its connectedness to, you know, to its ancestors that have passed on.

So we cannot separate ourselves to the trees, we cannot separate ourselves from the waves and the ocean, from the clouds and its cloud forms, from the mountains and the hills, the animals from the limu, to the pipipi, to the kūpe‘e, you know, to the manō, to the pueo, to the ‘i‘iwi, to the ‘o‘o, all of these are all signs upon which we had better be aware of, because it is through them that we get messages from our ancestors."

"Oh yeah, sharks do. Sharks, the significance of a shark, especially with the niuhi, the tiger and the white shark, they were compared to as chiefs. Kamohoali‘i, who was the brother of Pele, was a shark. That was his form, his other kinolau or his other form was a shark. Because of the ferocity. The same kind of attitude of absorbing and taking all with no consciousness to end result, the main thing is to consume. The same attitude is compared, comparing the shark to love. It’s all consuming. To the point where one cannot think consciously to what is being done. And so the Hawaiians have a saying:

Kūpau wau i ka manō ka manō nui ka manō nui kūpau wau i ka manō.

And it means, “I am finished to the big shark, all consumed by the big shark, I am finished.” It doesn’t mean he’s dead because the shark bit him. It means he is so deeply in love that he doesn’t know how to think, you know? So shark has that other side of its attitude that is used by the Hawaiians to describe the all consuming idea, without consciousness. And that is funny that the Hawaiians would also compare that to love. But they did that because they knew nature. Hurricane ‘Iniki, all consuming, it has no bearing on who’s the chief or who’s the commoners, you know. It’s all consuming. Hawaiians understood that, and they used that kind of proverbial idea, and I just use that to illustrate the insight and connectedness with nature. But in relation to the shark, that is how it is really used."

x. Parley Kanaka'ole, "Hawaiian Waters: House of the Shark"

🦈

#:))) #so i found this interview from Hawaiian icon Parley Kanaka'ole&it made me so happy for so many reasons lol #so here are some of my favourite parts. :'))) the full interview actually talks a lot about the beliefs we have surrounding our 'aumakua #&is an incredible read. if you are kanaka reconnecting w the culture however i do have the warning that #he speaks rather definitively&heavy-handedly about how one can reconnect w your kūpuna+'aumakua #&just take it w a grain of salt. as w a lot of our older figures he has standards for kānaka that are genuinely not feasible sometimes #&its okay. it doesnt make you any less kānaka or make it impossible for you to commune&connect w your 'aumakua. #your geneology hasnt forgotten nor abandoned you for lack of attention+relation bc that isnt possible. #however w that one caveat in mind i highly reccommend reading the interview (&also the second piece by #Herb Kane who is a literal Hawaiian legend. his art is regularly used in classrooms to teach history&hes been actually dubbed #a Living Treasure of Hawai'i when he was alive. also he CAPTIANED the hokule'a. actual legend.) #ive been missing home. so much. #salt water cures everything. i have tears&sweat i just need the pacific lol. #♡ #yas

[reconnecting]

rambling dont mind me

#thinking about how the difference between me n my other indigenous friends is like a border or two #thats it #and how that really just can totally remove everything i have to say from relevancy with other indigenous people #like my yukayeke vs my cousins tribe n clan #function completely differently #which makes sense like we're ages apart #literally different countries and opposite sides even if we werent #but i think like #as soon as you get south of the border the 'rules' that northern dudes have made kinda stop applying how you think they do #like my cousin is metis and taino because theyre my cousin #or more theyd be a part of my yukayeke if theyd learn about it i guess is more accurate like #its a bit more complex than how im saying it but yk #but i cant be part of their clan or tribe #which mind you is FINE like its not a bother or anything like that and i dont necessarily even know if id join given the choice #but i find it really interesting like #something about the timezone of when you got colonized and where that border is really changed us #i dont think we need to be this divided in our views is kinda the other thing but also i think that we currently need how certain things ar #like how theyre different #just in order to deal with the surrounding population of people #like shit my boyfriend's family would NEVER admit theyre indigenous even though he wants to reconnect #whereas white cherokee grandma is a whole thing here #well excluding the aztecs but his family considers them dead so im not counting that rn #versus like my taino ass #we're having a whole resurgence of people trying to be proud of their blood in puerto rico #its a HUGE thing to say 'oh fuck we're not dead' like its a MAJOR event thats been happening for the past few years #and its great! its like actually fantastic! #and i really GENUINELY hope it doesnt end up with our yukayekes becoming even more closed off #i hope it ends with 'youre taino? come learn then.' and then we learn #because fuck if i dont love my people but fuck if im not sick of people claiming shit for fun too #idk

[technovillain]

:']

#just listening to the song my guitar teacher from high school wrote again #good lord i have some nostalgia for it #its so beautiful he really needs to record it and put it on spotify i would so listen to it over and over #when i get into recording music (which is an inevitability okay) #i want to reconnect with him #he was the best teacher i ever had #he's the kind of person i would genuinely be friends with #i was so upset when covid hit because guitar class was like the first place i sort of felt like i belonged in high school #and it was all taken from me and it got really hard to keep the hobby afterwards #luckily its a little like riding a bike so the skills pretty much stick with you and you just kind of forget the songs n some chords n stuf #sighs....... #shakes my fist at him tho for never giving me the tabs to that song. its so good #i hope he's doing well :[ #.txt

[solarisgod]

Every single day I'm so relieved of the fact that Micah would be able to get into therapy sessions since xe entered university.

#ASK TO TAG CW #/// #// #/ #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ THOUGHTS . › #𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ MICAH . › #[ for sure xe needs it so much truly while I just know xe's scared of taking medications for xyr mental illnesses ] #[ xe's gonna reconnect with xyr therapist and DID specialist again this season in person especially since xe eventually couldn't keep up ] #[ with the Zoom meetings and phone calls in season two ] #[ but by God did Micah as a teen to young adult feel and think extremely intensely it's alarming ] #[ and it doesn't help back then xe experienced blackouts and memory loss and other stuff a lot ] #[ that xe reacted more strongly to with fear and anxiety ] #[ when xe got older so xe certainly needed professional help while xe was given more time and energy to do so at university ] #[ as opposed to high school you know ]

[pronouncingitwang]

.

#truly no faster way to make me so so ill than the seol and the seolite diaspora DE tag on ao3. not in a bad way not in a good way either #also last week i hung out w a friend i hadn't seen in a while and we joked about diaspora lit bingo a lot #but yeah idk. the way my sister is reconnecting w her asianness through like. kdramas/cdramas and kpop etc #the way i only have about 4 chinese language songs liked on spotify and they're like #one from the CRA soundtrack two bc i looked up an artist whose photos were on tumblr and who i found hot #and one from my white roommate who's learning mandarin #and i wonder if my parents are like. so bummed that we ignored them and made fun of their shows and music and accents as elementary schoole #and now they see her doing this and me. idk. claiming POCness via something i never engaged with in a way i find satisfactory #or idk. the whole immigrant parents being your passports to your language/culture and once they die it's game over #ESP bc you only ever took enough chinese classes to graduate hs or college no more #and kim kitsuragi is suchhhhhhh an interesting look at that bc like. he is an orphan and he does have zero cultural or language ties to seo #like. he would absolutely dannyamericanbornchinese himself if he could #and i want him to reconnect like i imagine him reconnecting w being asian and it causes feelings of comfort and such in me #but like. he shouldn't have to obviously and #one of the notes of a fic in that tag is from a biracial person who says #I flip between wish fulfillment and scrutinizing the degree Kim 'needs' to reclaim his heritage #and like yeah. yeah. that thing #and idk i don't think there's a distinct chinese-american culture the way that chinese-american cuisine is like. A Thing you know #maybe i'd feel better if there was that #and if there was just one other seolite person in disco elysium but i think kim's racial isolation is purposeful #what is there for me but to idk. reread the joy luck club and have another crisis about it #personal