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#and i just think of instances in my own life where ive parted ways with someone
dwter · 1 year
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hey everyone, so ive had a lot of time at this point to ruminate and have had conversation after conversation about everything going on and i truly and genuinely mean this when i say i think so much of my thinking and immediate reactions were entirely based in fear, anxiety and grief that i didn't give myself the ability to view the situation as it is.
ill say from the beginning ive always chosen to view this in a worst case scenario perspective. not just for myself, but also i think dismissing the victim ESPECIALLY those using anything to dismiss her literally instantly is really icky and so ive always looked at this with the perspective of everything (more or less) being true. now with that in mind--i dont think this entire thing was nearly as black and white as i initially thought it was. im saying it straight to save everyone the time to try and figure out my perspective, but after talking with people and thinking about real life, how people irl would view this and DO view it and other instances of this exact scenario happening both online and in real life: this is truly just not the horrible morally bankrupt incident i thought it was.
i thought a lot about how i wanted to go about explaining my perspective or if i even wanted to bc i really didnt want this to he seen as "dream defense" or align myself with the people who have had that stance since the absolute beginning bc they are srsly insane, but this is more for myself and for anyone who felt like they didnt have a perspective they resonated with throughout all of this. this is one of the first instances where i felt a genuine dissonance between my thoughts and feelings and my friends in the community whose thoughts i have always always valued above anything else, often even my own, especially when i was struggling with feeling conflicted out of fear and grief. i always clung to the people whose opinions i trusted (and still do trust dont get me wrong) because it felt easier than having to sort my guilty and scared conscience into rationality that could possibly oppose the people ive always looked to for guidance in discourse. just that fear on being on the wrong side of history and such. but like i said, this long winded and horribly overserious essay is for me more than anyone else--if not for people who have struggled with the exact same shitty time.
ill say the absolute first thing: it was not grooming. i held this opinion literally the entire time and people calling it grooming are not only using the term wrong but genuinely causing harm to such a serious topic. we are talking about two adults in a relationship with an age difference of four years like holy shit. when the first girl dropped her story, almost everyone came to the conclusion that it just wasnt that serious because he thought she was 18. with the second girl, she was one month from 18 and the dms from before turning such were genuinely the driest conversations in the world that he never initiated or made any notion of pursuing. this isnt to say you cant be icked out--the point of me talking about this isnt to make you suddenly change your views on anything but to try and claim that it was grooming or a crime took place is just wrong and dishonest of everyone. this is such a large part of where my personal dissonance with everyone's takes came from bc the way people were trying to claim that liking an 18 year old as a 22 year old was something akin to literal pedophilia (<- bc people WERE genuinely saying this) made me feel confused but also deeply guilty because i really just did not understand. and now that im less miserable, i can recognize that that confusion wasnt just linked to parasocialism or whatever deep twisted thing i thought was in my soul, it was literally just not the big insane evil everyone made it out to be. again, this isnt to try and say you individually cant be like "i dont like this" or "this is icky to me" or "this was bad judgement on his part" (<- which is my personal view btw) but to pretend it is some strange insane act of an active predator genuinely boggles my mind. i dont want to chalk everything up to being covidbrained but i think its a huge part of where this dissonance to real life comes from because i really do think if most of you sit down with genuinely and utterly normal people, they will not give a fuck about this. ive SEEN people have conversations about this with noemal people irl and have them literally laugh in their face bc of how deeply unserious it is. and again, i want to reenforce that doesnt mean YOU dont have to care, but to act as if this isnt an objectively undeep incident between two people is odd, especially to the degree ive seen.
now i cant just say this and be done so lets talk about the next part that people had an issue with: fan and creator power dynamic. ill also say this very straight: when the stuff came out with both girls i had a much larger issue with the "age gaps" than i did this for so many reasons. ive always, even before all of this, had my own opinions and such about ccs and fans ever having relationships and it usually along the basis of "as long as there is consent and mutuality, i have no real issue." its not strange to me that people want to be with people they like and idealize and vice versa. to keep this as objective as i can with this perspective, i wont get into thoughts that for dream specifically it especially doesnt surprise me in the sense that his past relationship + facing vitriol from every corner of the internet but fans + overall paranoia could have absolutely reenforced the normalcy and reasoning in this judgement call but i digress. i mean just obvious examples of people wanting to get with celebrities, or groupies or even in platonic ways where fans become genuine and actual friends of creators--ccs having relationships with fans was never a big deal to me personally. and since its relevant to mention in this case, ESPECIALLY online ones. im not saying there cant be power imbalances among a fan and a cc/celebrity, but to get like theyre all inherently like that again just makes zero sense to me and never has even before dream. this applies especially online where power dynamics are significantly dampened from what they can be and just i mean logically, dream has been a full blown cc for like a little less than 3 years and only at this level for maybe 1 or 2 without experiencing it in real life too. the idea that he himself would not see an issue with this, especially because it was a mutual exchange of company, is so completely unsurprising. and at its core, there really is no real issue in it of itself. a bad judgement call from dream? yes and ill stand by that since he shouldve been better safe than sorry. morally bankrupt and manipulative? 😭 no, not after really assessing shit rationally. i also want to add that it was a mutual thing. i know people are really trying to tear everything amanda says apart (<- which is incredibly strange btw, especially if that was your instant reaction and you were doing it publicly too), but taking everything shes saying as true, we know that there was a MUTUAL exchange of things of a sexual nature and this wasnt some manipulative one-sided exchange where dream controlled everything and gave nothing in return. this isnt to say that amandas feelings are entirely invalid or anything along those lines, but those feelings stem from miscommunication and not morally bankrupt predatory behaviours. like seeing all of the info and looking at the situation as it is, its very clear dream saw and believed this to be a mutual relationship. i was so confused and scared and panicked seeing words like "groomer", "innocent", "guilty", "predator" and others being thrown around i didnt even want to try viewing it for myself. but now that i have and now that ive talked to others, this entire situation reads as a bad break up more than anything else, not a strange manipulative abuse of power where mutuality is nonexistent.
overall this entire situation was framed so horrifically and i was tearing myself apart so much about feeling confused, it genuinely did not hit me the extent of just how deeply unserious it was until a friend of mine told me how they went out with their normal, most unchronically online friend, told the situation in the most objective way possible, and they literally laughed in their fucking face 😭 i also started thinking about real life instances of this happening like if it was another cc, a random tiktoker, an actor and realizing i literally would not care--and significantly less people who are as up in arms as they are would care too. and that ignores the fact that it was ONLINE, compared to in-person where whatever power dynamic could exist would be amplified by a thousand.
this entire thing is just so entirely subjective and if your personal opinions and values find this all shitty, absolutely no one is going to try and say to feel otherwise, at least not me. but to completely ignore that its just that--personal--values and opinions that determine how you view this, and act as though it is objectively some morally bankrupt, impossible to understand, predatory situation just feels reactionary and disconnected from real life at best and just shitty and even virtue signalling at worst. and also dont get me started on what some of you twisted that charity event in technos memory into because fucking shame on you, but ill make a separate post on that later maybe.
this really isnt meant to be a form of "dream defense" because if i was taught anything this past week it was that the way i connected so much of my own conscience to my ability to defend dream and his pr was and is entirely unhealthy, and it was all a wake up call--just not towards dream. the level of miserable agony i experienced, not even mostly because of what dream did, but because i felt like i couldnt DEFEND it, was dangerously all consuming and i dont want that anymore. its just not a healthy way to engage with any media, the need to constantly justify it in every single instance, and especially not with a cc. i want to be able to just see drama and controversy ride out and not have it feel so utterly all consuming, even if i do choose to comment on it. im making this statement bc like i said, it really sucked to feel like there was no public voice i completely agreed with and i realized that i could do that role if i wanted. and honestly, its just been very cathartic for me to write all of this out after feeling like an echo chamber of other peoples thoughts and my own grief the last week.
this community disappointed me in many ways, both the freaks who jumped on any baseless thread disproving amandas claims, dissected her behaviour, was very strangely dream defensive and chose to do all that shit PUBLICLY too. but also the people who chose to use this as an opportunity to act in the most reactionary strange ways that felt so virtue signal-y it was nauseating. i know the people who held/hold the views i did also dealt with the guilt and fear i did too, and thus no one was willing to so deal with the mortifying ordeal of a) sorting through these thoughts and b) saying them in any kind of public space even with just close friends, but ESP on a public blog. i mean, that was literally me. but it really fucking sucked to have just these two extremely polarizing and extremely isolating opinions be the only available voices 😭 my thoughts are getting very rambley now and i apologize, but i hope my points are getting across.
this is already insanely long, but ill start wrapping up. if you disagree with me, obviously thats fine. like i said, this was never made with the objective to change peoples minds which arguably was what my usual dream discourse essays was meant for sometimes. this was made for me and for this specific perspective to have light for anyone who wants or needs it. all i hope is that if you do come out of this with anything, is some form of awareness. of either real life, your opinions or even just yourself i dont know.
i really did love my time on tumblr so so fucking much. and i loved the people here even more so. i think i owe it all to you guys and just my blog itself to say my thoughts on shit, no matter if any of you agree or not. plus i mean if this flops i surely never have to face the consequences if im leaving anyways so peepoClap. thank you all so much for everything, and if you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my bullshit. i dont know if after this ill still leave, but regardless, it feels wrong to not make some homage to such an impactful place in my life. impactful people too :)
thank u all for reading again, and good fucking night !
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meat-wentz · 9 months
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How do you think your thing for cannibalism started?
oh!! fun story time!! so i grew up with two really specific movies that started it: jennifer’s body which i saw opening day in theaters and i had a super gay hidden part of my room where i had all these magazine pages of megan fox spreads all taped up at an angle where i could see them but my parents couldn’t, anyways i was sixteen and had literally just friend broke up with my fuckedupgirlbestie which was a relationship i would describe as so intense and emotionally cannibalistic that jennifer’s body had just come out at like such a specific correct time for me that i just hold it so dear to myself. and the other movie is ginger snaps, which was very similarly about inseparable girls and the violence of becoming your own person and the terrible terrible ache of growing up and i was just obsessed!!! anyways ive spent most of my life holding cannibal girl movies near and dear and used my time in film school to write about them quite extensively, particularly about the subversion of female autonomy displayed in films like raw, teeth, daisies, pink flamingos, trouble everyday, we are what we are etc. for instance the common gender theory we can apply to weapons in horror films is that the weapon is a stand in for the phallus which is 1) not able to be controlled and 2) not physically a part of the body (think leatherface’s chainsaw, ghostface’s knife, jason’s machete, even freddy’s glove but i would pose it has a more complex reading which i would love to go into at some point). they’re weapons of sexual aggression and power. what i love about girl cannibals is that they negate the horror male weapon by using the opposite, rather than wield an external weapon, they use their mouths, the horror of their victims is all about the internal. it’s about what goes on inside, about the horror of the body that no one else sees, it’s a weapon that’s completely a part of their bodies and that they have complete control over. where the machete indicates a something independent from the aggressor, the mouth as weapon is completely dependent on its host. it becomes less about the fragility of aggression and more about the self empowerment of aggression, to take something in, to make it part of you, to establish your autonomy by feeding oneself, to devour everything in your path!!!! now this is just one way to look at it but it’s my usual cannibal spiel that i go on. i also have to give a big old shout out to hannibal and yellowjackets.
i think there’s also just this metaphor that ive always loved of wanting to be one with someone, to mesh yourselves together in a horrible twisted way, to never want to be apart, to do it until you disintegrate into the other, to acknowledge the horror of loving someone so deeply that you would make them yours forever forever.
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favoniuscodex · 1 year
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MYTHOS : LETHE, PART TWO . [ tartaglia, alhaitham, cyno ]
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series : mythos, a mythology au - [ info & series masterlist ] series description : you are fated to save the world by assembling a team of the supposedly dead gods of ancient teyvat to stop the apocalypse. great. sounds easy enough, right? [ previous chapter ] - current: prologue pt. 2 - [ next chapter ] pairings: tartaglia x gn!reader, alhaitham x gn!reader, cyno x gn!reader word count: ~5.1k [ ~1.4k / ~1.9k / ~1.7k ] warnings : dream sequences / surrealism . drowning/thalassophobia . brief instances of claustrophobia . minor violence . mentions of death . author note : it's been a while, hasn't it? please read the first part if you haven't! the three parts within this section are all dream sequences, so they're a bit weird, but don't worry, no real trouble happens. if you need anything else tagged in warnings, please lmk! thanks for reading, this series is my baby <3 parts of the prologue won't make sense but it's intended to be that way because it's dream sequences filled with foreshadowing
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SECTION INTRO ::
the transition to life in liyue harbor is one of ease. it seems as though everything is falling into place, slowly but surely. the city is still daunting, yes, but you know that it is yours for the taking. nights are spent alone, scheming on when you'll find your next piece of furniture and eating takeout out of flimsy cartons.
work is secure. stability is not necessarily guaranteed, but you believe your boss is fond of you enough to keep you on payroll for another few months. your boss has been a tough read since your first day, but you've managed not to step on any toes and, despite your increasingly strange sleeping patterns, you have arrived on time each day.
thus, each evening, when your eyes groan with fatigue from the screens you use to occupy your free time, you finally succumb to the inevitable. the thought of sleep is rather daunting, but you aren't quite sure why. the sense of danger is quickly buried by the flutter of butterflies in your stomach, as if your next adventure awaits you once you finally retire from this own world for the evening.
you cannot remember your dreams, but perhaps that's what makes them all the more alluring.
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IV. GOD OF THE OCEANS - tartaglia
the crashing roar of an ocean wave serves as your alarm. it startles you into consciousness. with little time to react, your body is submerged in water. you instinctively gasp for air just before going under, but it isn't enough, especially as the vicious currents toss you around and pull you further into the murky depths.
you do not know where the shoreline went. after what feels like eons of tumbling through the water, you are unsure if there was ever earth to stand upon. you hold your breath until your lungs scream for air, but there is water up your nose already and very little reason to believe you could ever reach the surface.
when the currents finally release you, you can see nothing but endless blue. knowing that you will die is not the worst part. it is the knowledge that this is your burden to carry alone, for there are no witnesses to your plight. hysterically, you laugh, watching hopelessly as the bubbles of air escape your lips and float upwards, all while you sink in the opposite direction.
before you can close your eyes and embrace the wretched end that awaits you, you feel a tentacle enclose itself around your waist, and suddenly you're being pulled down, down, down into the depths below. your eyes provide you no understanding of the situation, for the monster holding you is too fast, plunging the two of you into the parts of the ocean where no light can reach.
you will not die alone. you'll die as the last meal of this unknown creature. perhaps it is a kind one, who may offer you a swift and merciless death. what does it matter anyways? you think, unable to find it in yourself to struggle as the creature hoists you towards the bottom of the ocean. i was always going to die.
"giving up already? that's not like you."
you are unsure where the words have come from, words familiarly unfamiliar like a distant childhood melody. you are unsure how you have not run out of air. you are unsure where you are going as you torpedo towards the bottom of the ocean. the only certainty in your mind is that death is no longer an option, but even you are unsure of the origin of such an assumption.
the creature holding you reaches the bottom of the ocean. the ground is not earth; it is glass. you realize this as you are unceremoniously slammed against the barrier between ocean and below, feeling it crack under your impact. despite this, no pain shoots throughout your body. an eerie wave of familiarity washes over you, far more soothing than the wave that swept you out into this sea earlier. now calm, you stop writhing in your captor's grasp as you thump into the glass once again.
this time, it shatters.
you and all of the ocean are sent surging into the void of air below. you fall facing upwards, and in the light that shines up from beneath you, you watch as the water suddenly retreats, leaving you to be the only object falling through the air. you greedily gulp in air despite knowing that you will likely face your demise once you hit the ground.
"hold still."
the voice is clearer once again, no longer warped by the waters above. your vision turns the color of seafoam before two arms catch you, breaking your fall with an inhuman ease. you stare up at your savior with wide eyes and parted lips. you focus on his eyes, which match the endless blue that spoke of death for you just moments ago.
"don't look at me like that, i've told you not to arrive up there, but you do anyways," he gently chides. "do you know who i am, princess?"
the corners of his lips peel back in a sharpened grin. you lift a hand up anyways, unafraid of the knife of his inhuman smile as your palm cups around his cheek. the edges of his teeth soften at your actions, snake-like pupils rounding into the familiar circle shape of humanity.
"you're..." you begin, tearing your eyes from his face to inspect the rest of him. you watch his adam's apple bob as he gulps in anticipation, bated breath held. "you are the creature from ocean. the one that saved me."
at your words, your savior's grin drops, and a nearly inaudible sigh of defeat escaping his lips. his teeth sharpen once more, yet you feel no fear. rather, you worry that he'll bite his tongue when he speaks. surely, such an action would hurt with such piercing teeth.
"that's not quite the answer i was looking for," he says, and uncharacteristically strong indignation rises within you, as if you've had this conversation with him thousands of times before. you let muscle memory take over, controlling your tongue to speak with fierce words.
"oh? would you prefer if i call you ■■■■?" you ask, allowing his name to roll off your tongue. your words are a pebble tossed into a still lake, causing emotions ripple across the face of your savior. his intimidating expression gives way to trepidation, and he looks up at the water barrier above the two of you, as if expecting it to suddenly break and ruin your refuge of air.
"you cannot say such things."
all mirth has left his voice as he speaks lowly. light has left his oceanic eyes, reminding you just how far below the depths you are with this strange man holding your life in his hands.
"you are not supposed to know that," he reprimands you. you cannot remember the name that you called him, no matter how hard you try as his gaze pierces you. "and if you do know it, pretend that you don't. if the heavens hear you say that, they'll undo your existence, and even if i drain the oceans, i will be unable to stop them."
"tartaglia." you say. the barrier above you seems to be approaching, walls closing in on the two of you. it is not the name you said earlier, but it is the only name you can bring forth in your mind. he stares at you, expression unreadable.
"tartaglia, where are we?" panicked, you grasp at the flowing gray fabric of his robes. they look as though they are carefreely floating in water, gently sinking down and down despite the two of you being suspended in air. you have not yet reached the bottom of the other side. its as if the two of you are still in the water above, and yet-
"almost home," he says. the statement would normally bring you comfort, but this time, it only leads to your hands frantically scrabbling around his chest, before you hastily fling your arms around his neck, pulling yourself closer to him.
"i- i can feel them," you begin to babble mindlessly, eyes blown wide as you look up at his expression. tartaglia's face begins to contort, smeared in your vision like watercolor pigments haphazardly tossed in a cup of water. despite it all, you can see the worry in his eyes, no matter how unclear they might be. it is a horrid feeling, knowing that he can see your mind slipping out from underneath you.
"wake up," he says, calmly, but there's a faint waver in his voice. "it's okay to wake up. we can see each other some other time."
"i can't," you sob, voice finally cracking as the ceiling of glass above the two of you begins to split. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said what i did, i'm sorry."
you feel a hand smooth over your hair, but the soothing attempt proves futile as you feel a drop of water on your forehead.
"it's okay, sweetheart." tartaglia promises, but you can no longer see his lips move. you wonder what expression he wears now.
"everything will be alright," tartaglia has never been one to break a promise, but, for the first time, you doubt the truth of his words. "i promise."
you part your lips to speak, but the glass ceiling above the two of you gives out, thrusting you into darkened waters once more, away from the mysterious savior whose touch felt as familiar as a lover's.
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V. GOD OF KNOWLEDGE - alhaitham
you tumble through water until you are washed ashore, tired body sliding gently onto warm white sands. sand grains refuse to cling to your body, even as you push yourself upright and look around. there's a fading sense of loss in your heart, as if you were torn apart from someone you love dearly, but you can't remember their face or their name. perhaps none of it was true and the only truth is found in the overwhelming sense of fear that still clutches at your heart.
perhaps the only truth is this empty beach you now sit on. the land of dreams that you are stuck in fails to generate any seashells or other signs of life. there's an expanse of green that begins where the sands end, but even it lacks detail, as if purposefully designed for you to remain uninterested in it. rather, the waters that you were once so fearful of allure you, since you know there will be no crabs within it to pinch at your toes, and no floating seaweed to imitate a fish slithering by. perhaps it would appear once you thought of it, and the sea creatures are now greedily pinching their claws at the thought of being able to pull you into the depths once more.
the thought of such creatures sends you stumbling away from the tide, feet struggling to navigate the overly soft sands. when you finally reach the grass, you no longer feel tired, and when you turn around, the beach is gone, replaced by a sprawling expanse of even more grass. but this new area is different from the dull one you currently stand in. perhaps, if your eyes do not deceive you, there is a building of glass that is visible only if you squint, prismatic rainbows faintly shimmering while promising a palace of erudition to those who know enough to pass its entrance exam of invisibility.
to others, the entrance may prove to be a difficult find, but you simply know. its a phenomenon you would not be able to explain if prompted, but you know the way to enter the invisible residence. it beckons you as you walk towards it. the overwhelming dread is not enough to hold you back as your hand wraps around the crystalline door handle, a vast pillar of nothingness, and you tug.
the door opens with a heavy groan, as if unused in millennia, and you hurry in. the door slams closed behind you, sealing shut and preventing your unauthorized departure. now inside the invisible structure, you can see the ornate halls that sprawl out endlessly in front of you in woodsy tones. faint accents of green adorn tan, beige, and wooden structures, while wooden flooring is gently coated with the finest of rugs.
instinctively, you take off your shoes. you'd feel awful if you tracked sand into such a beautiful residence. at least your clothes are no longer wet. the crystalline blue outside has long since left your mind, thus leaving your clothes as well. your socked feet pad against the luxurious floors. despite the intricately carved nature of the building you stand in, there is little physical decoration outside of the base appearance of the walls, floors, and windows, but it takes your breath away nonetheless. you know each and every brick and every stone pillar within the vicinity was crafted by hand, even if the hands that created the domain are ones that only reside in your own mind.
you turn to the left. it is where the scent of incense is strongest, and you follow it down the hall, twisting and turning until you reach a set of doors once more. unlike before, however, these doors are wholly visible, crafted of darkened karmaphala wood, with gilded handles that extend the entire length of the door. your hand reaches out to push open the doors, but they begin to open before your hand can make contact with the door.
"this is not a library, so be sure to put everything back exactly where you found it," a voice commands as you enter. you are unsure where it came from, but you care little for finding it as your breath is taken away by the room in front of you.
shaped like a sphere, the room of knowledge before you has bookshelves that cascade up the walls, defying gravity as they curve up and over, still able to hold their books securely despite facing the ground above. golden light filters in through arched windows, impossibly glowing throughout the entire circumference of the room. you wonder if this room has been miraculously thrust into the heavens, but such a thought only reminds you of words you should not have spoken and the dread returns once more.
"you look nervous," the voice asks from just over your shoulder and you jump in place. "normally i don't concern myself with such things, but it is not often that you visit."
your lips part instinctively to apologize, but all words die on your lips as you turn to look at the god beside you. multicolor irises stare at you, piercing right through you as if he can read your thoughts and panic rises within you. his eyes are all-seeing, all-knowing, but his brow furrows in confusion at your shellshocked expression.
"you do not remember me." his words are matter-of-fact. you know that the man before you only ever speaks the truth, but he is wrong. you remember him. you remember him as a puppet of the heavens, as a stone carving of that with which is burdened with divine knowledge. you remember him dying as his mind fractured in two, for even the inorganic cannot comprehend that which was not meant to be witnessed. you remember him as a king driven to madness, whose kingdom and rule have been forgotten by generations. you remember him as...
"alhaitham. scribe of the heavens," he greets you. "you know enough to find my residence, but not enough to acknowledge my place in your memories. how intriguing. perhaps there are things that i have yet to fully understand, but the likely answer for such a phenomenon could simply just be the natural decay of the human lifeform."
you stare at him, blinking once, then twice. your lips part before closing once more, and the scribe looks rather dismayed by your actions. you aren't sure why he almost seems to have anticipated your arrival. it causes dread to rise within you. forbidden words rest within your mouth, turning your tongue into heavy lead, and you find yourself unable to form the words of which you desire. any interest alhaitham might have had in you dies in the presence of your silence as he only sighs.
"all knowledge that humanity could dream of is found on these shelves, so please hesitate before looking for me if you need help. i can assure you that finding the answer yourself is much more rewarding."
there's a dryness to his words that makes you doubt what he's saying, as if he is moments away from a checkmate despite you never having agreed to this game of chess.
"you know what i know," you say, despite the way your mind screams at you to stop speaking.
"i know all that you have said and all that you will say," the god confirms. "i know you like the back of my hand. at this point, it is all simple calculations to know which words will and won't fall from your lips."
"so you know what i should not know," you say slowly. "are you here to reprimand me for it? is that why you summoned me here?"
you memorize the faint sliver of a knowing smirk that appears on his face as he turns away from you.
"i do not enjoy the presence of others. i typically prefer the company of a book. that should be a great enough indicator that i was not the one who summoned you here."
perplexation surges up within you. perhaps at one point you would have understood his words, but in the muddled fogginess of your dreams, you lack the full context to understand what he truly means with his words. your scholarly nature is failing you. this is an exam that you were never told you had to study for, but you manage to muster a haphazard conclusion anyways.
"you're saying i brought myself here?"
"each time you come here, you forget the time we have spent together. you forget your pursuit of understanding why you show up here, but you seek out the answer to your forgotten questions nonetheless," alhaitham says. he walks over to the infinite bookshelves and plucks a book unceremoniously off the shelf. it is purple, with blinding golden binding and trim. the decals on the cover shift in front of you, cycling through a series of glyphs and letters of languages you have never before witnessed.
"you seek your answers in these books that i have written," alhaitham says, and there is a fond wistfulness in his voice, faint enough that you wonder if you imagined it. "but the answer will always be found within yourself."
you open the book, embracing the smell of aged paper that wafts out as it faintly crackles from the slight bend of its spine. the pages are illegible, but as your fingers trace the text, you understand them anyways.
"you finding the answer is inevitable," alhaitham says. a grandfather clock chimes in the center of the room four times as alhaitham pauses, as if expecting its interruption. "the only question is when."
you stare at him in bafflement, confusion warping your expression briefly, before you return to the pages in front of you. they tell a story of a person whom you do not know, but they feel familiar nonetheless.
"knowledge means nothing if there is no action to follow it," alhaitham says. "but by all means, continue fruitlessly seeking your answers."
"you're not going to help?" you ask. "you taunt me with your words, yet you do not extend any form of guidance?"
"i am the god of knowledge, but i never once claimed to be the god of shared knowledge."
the book in your hand weighs heavy as indignation takes over you. the idiot before you wants action? he wants to speak in mocking, faux platitudes as he weaves riddles around you in unclear words? doesn't he prefer to keep to himself? shouldn't he know to keep to himself?
uncharacteristic anger boils within you, rising up your throat as you snap the book close. the god turns to look at you once more, thoroughly unimpressed with your existence.
"you... you..." you sputter, and the god of knowledge looks at you unimpressed.
"irrational as always," he says. "letting a feeble scholar like me twist your mind into anger because you are unable to reach a conclusion on your ow-"
the scribe's words fall silent as you rear your arm back, hurling the book in your hand as hard as you can at him. but, just as the corner of the spine makes impact with his cheek, the dream shatters, and with it, all of your knowledge does as well, sending you spiraling into nothingness.
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VI. GOD OF JUDGEMENT - cyno
"stand up. anger does not suit you," a voice above you says as you blearily open your eyes. confusion washes over you as you find yourself not in your room, but instead on desert sands, baking slowly to a crisp in the harsh sunlight. you squint as you look up, putting a hand over your eyes to filter out the light. carefully, the man standing over you adjusts his position so that his shadow casts itself over your eyes.
"oh gods," you groan at the sight of another godly figure. "not another."
despite your wretched complaint, the god's intimidating features soften as an amused chuckle escapes his lips.
"i think i know exactly who you were with before me," he extends a hand towards you, helping you up as the other adjusts his hat. "but shed your contempt for the gods, at least for this moment. it weighs down your soul."
as you stand up, you finally meet the god's rubied eyes, which threaten to disappear from view as desert winds ruffle his white hair. his features are sharp, as if perfectly crafted to be ever watchful. there is something threatening about his appearance, but you find comfort in his inherent vigilance. despite the polearm that is sheathed against his back, the god before you does not strike fear into your heart.
"interesting," the god notes. "normally, i have to crack a few jokes before you are this at ease. has my appearance gone soft?"
"perhaps my heart has just gone light," you say. "i am certain the scales of judgement will tip in my favor."
a dry laugh escapes the mahamatra's lips. "it is not yet time for your judgement."
"ah?" you say, tongue far lighter than it should be in the presence of the god who strikes fear into the hearts of those who stand before him. "slacking on your duties to be here in this moment, then?"
"judgement is not something that can be rushed, and one who dedicates themselves solely to their duties will lose sight of proper judgement where it matters most. rather, i-"
"take it easy, cyno," you say softly. "i was just joking."
the god of judgement's gaze widens as you speak his name, and a gentle smile splits across his fierce features. you've never met the man before this moment, but you know him far too well, enough to spout off what his favorite jokes are and exactly when he'll make them.
"you remember my name," cyno whispers, and the bated breath of anticipation that escapes his lungs twists your heart into fluttering somersaults. "maybe this is my dream after all."
you feel your cheeks warm at his words, and you are thankful for the way the summer sun hides your flustered state under the guise of sweat. nervously, you glance away. you do not know this man, but your soul does, and it does not remember him being so forward with his words.
"i must apologize," you say, earlier conversations with the other, less agreeable gods forgotten in the presence of the man who will one day decide your heavenly fate. "that is all i can say i remember."
your gaze shifts from his as you look downwards, but cyno pays your dismay no mind as he shrugs his shoulders.
"you remember me well enough to place us both within the desert. you've never been fond of the heat, but you know i am," the god says, seriousness lacing his words. "perhaps we can go somewhere more agreeable for the both of us."
"would you not like to stay in the desert?" you ask. "the sun is uncomfortable, but it is not scorching."
a rumble in the distance interrupts the both of you, and you turn to look at the sound. a wry smile crosses cyno's expression at the sight of the sandstorm in the distance. within the cloud of sand that quickly approaches, lightning races between individual grains of sand, promising danger. as you watch, enchanted by the dangerous sight, cyno's hand wraps itself around your wrist. the soft scrape of the edge of his gloves draws your attention back to him, but the mirth stored within his expression has long since left.
"close your eyes," cyno gently orders and you oblige. "concentrate on somewhere else. anywhere you want, otherwise the dream will shatter."
you heed his words as a gust of wind breezes past the two of you, ruffling the fabric of your clothes. but, the wind fades as quickly as it came, and you open your eyes to a familiar sight. you have never been here before, at least not in your current sense. it does not exist in the waking world, but a sense of deja vu washes over you. you've been here before, but you also haven't.
"puspa cafe," cyno murmurs. "quite fascinating that you choose to revisit this time and world of all places."
"is there something wrong with it?" you ask, suddenly worried about how he may judge you for such a choice. "i... don't recognize it. i do, but i don't."
"when you pick places like this," cyno says. "it means our time is limited together. it must nearly be sunrise for you."
confusion coats your mind like a sticky syrup. sunrise? end of your time together? what does he mean? your awareness of your situation muddles even further as the two of you sit down at one of the cafe tables. this is how it's always been for the two of you. this is puspa cafe, in the middle of sumeru city. cyno has just returned from one of his missions as the general mahamatra, just after being reinstated, and you invited him to meet you here.
typically, there are others that show up with the two of you, but you can't remember their faces. instead, your mind fixates on cyno. it is as if your mind is occupied by other things, only able to consciously focus on one person at a time. this is how it's always been. what is he talking about?
"sunrise?" you ask. "but, look out the window, it's daytime, cyno. we agreed to meet here yesterday. don't tell me you're bailing now."
the corners of cyno's lips twitch. "of course not. what did we agree to speak of here, again?"
you look up at him, baffled by his sudden lack of memory. his piercing gaze flits over your face, as if grappling to understand the situation. it fills you with an odd sense of sadness. has the time away from sumeru city really scattered his thoughts this badly?
"you wanted to show me your new tcg deck. you picked up some new cards in mondstadt, right?" you ask and cyno nods slowly, as if finally catching up to speed.
"mondstadt. i see."
"yeah?" you ask, smiling wide at him. your ignorance has consumed you, now blissfully unaware of the past moments in your dream with him. moments of lucidity are all too rare for you, and cyno knows this well. one day, your paths will cross outside of the limitations of your dreams, but for now, cyno must abide by their rules, no matter how much he wishes to follow his own code of internal judgement and belief.
not wanting you to awake by insisting on your awareness of the dream, cyno pulls out his familiar deck of cards, with several new and shiny cards. each character card has a warped face, as you cannot remember this moment you once lived. but cyno remembers it precisely, despite not yet having achieved godliness. he feels utterly human, but even so, you are still out of reach.
"you don't just see, cyno," you say, a mischevious giggle escaping your lips. "you t-see-g. get it? tcg?"
the pun is almost as bad as the jokes he makes, and cyno groans at your joke. carefully, you take some of his newest tcg cards in your hand, gently inspecting the intricate art on each card.
"um, i know you just got back to sumeru and all that," you say, unable to make eye contact with him as you look at the drawing of blonde hair of the acting grand master of mondstadt before you. "but would you want to meet up again tomorrow? i can shift some stuff around and make it work, but if you want to see your other friends first, that's ok! i can wait."
cyno remembers this conversation. he remembers how he brushed you off at first, unaware of the dividing fates that would consume the both of you whole the next day. cyno would fall victim to the mausoleum of king deshret, in which he was sent there on a rushed expedition by the akademiya grand sages, and you would fall victim to the greed of misguided eremites. he remembers the human bitterness of regret, something he hasn't felt in a long time.
so, he indulges your dreams and you feel your heart flutter as he does so.
"bring your deck and we can play a tcg matchup," cyno says. "you always were my best rival."
the smile that spreads across your face is more radiant than the desert sun, and the edges of your vision wobble as you look at cyno. a faint blush rises to his cheeks, and just as you notice his slightly flustered state, your dream melts into the sand.
your eyes flutter open. the dull gray ceiling of your apartment is a stark contrast to the bright colors of what you were dreaming of. the air still smells of freshly roasted coffee, but as you try to pinpoint why the aroma is so familiar, it fades. instead, you smell the familiar scent of your bedroom's air freshener as you attempt to hold onto the fleeting scenes of your dream, only to watch as the memories of what never was slip through your fingers like sand.
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so i just saw this post
https://www.tumblr.com/fuckyeahgoodomens/724574959442247680/i-noticed-that-while-in-s1-crowley-is-always-on
and like… yo… we need to search some other times when crowley and aziraphale switched their usual places, 'cause I KNOW they have
and also, what do you think about this? because i also find it extremely curious, taking into consideration that the only time when they switched places in season 1 was:
1. the globe, when crowley was basically circling around aziraphale when talking about the arrangement - which makes perfect sense, basically showing through his movement how they take each other's roles when they need to
2. in the scenes before the trial when they actually switched appearences
so what does this say about this ending?
well personally, i don't think it's a body swap; again, i think it would completely derail a good portion of the message in the Feral Domestic™ scene, and would make parts of the narrative redundant.
(further asks and 'analysis' under cut)
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i think the point of the body swap in s1, and as LWA✨ has consistently pointed out (and i trust them with my life, on god), is that it was a means of demonstrating to the audience (and was meant to demonstrate to each other, not that the boys seemed to notice) that they are two halves of the same whole, and their true balance and power is achieved in working together... and this to me doesn't seem like the scene to do it in. there may be more to it than that, but so far this makes sense to me.
i did some ramblings on their positioning in s1, the globe instance to the contrary you've already pointed out bestie, and because im a mad lad ive gone through s2 on fast forward to spot as many as possible:
- when crowley discovers gabriel, and pre-miracle:
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- goob's earliest memory:
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- resurrectionist minisode:
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- 40s minisode:
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- returning the plants:
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- "plume of your imaginary tante", and "if you're going to stand here and just carp-"
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- ball:
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- the ineffable bureaucracy reveal, and the Smooch™:
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now my initial thought (and i will return to this post once ive read the Long Document), is that some of the purpose for these shots (and the positioning of aziraphale to crowley's left rather than his right) may be just down to good ol' fashioned blocking. and that may be the case.
but as you say, it was very deliberate in s1 that it was the other way around, that aziraphale was on crowley's right (with traditional connotations of good and just). the exception to this being the globe (where we see aziraphale get tempted into another Arrangement, so crowley circling him in a predatory manner, cycling him on the balance between right and wrong, was appropriate symbolically).
now to me, i feel like the above is explained by my favourite explanation stand-by: character development. in most of these scenes, we see aziraphale either directly stand in opposition to heaven and/or angelic purpose (or having a Human Moment), is questioning his own beliefs in morality, or simply is having a particularly intimate crowley moment. so his increased presence on crowley's left is again, to me, symbolically apt.
in terms of something "being off", i absolutely felt this in the screening of eps 1 and 2; it felt very different tonally, and i wasn't quite sure how to take it. there was a reason why i was so behind my theory that the episodes were fake/altered ones (which i still think would have been a mega-brain idea), and that's because it just didn't feel right.
this season is very different to s1, there is no doubt about it. but at this moment in time (until i properly read the Long Document, at least), i don't think it's because of a higher narrative purpose. i do think metatron has been meddling or spying, but not so much to the point that i think s3 will reveal a retcon of s2 (bearing in mind ive only skimmed the Long Document, so this inference of what it's proposing may be entirely inaccurate (ie noone @ me)). that, to me, would be very strange - to essentially render all/most? of s2 redundant.
so at the moment, no real thoughts from me on this, other than me thinking that the aziraphale placement is, as far as i currently see it, completely symbolic✨
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cerealmonster15 · 1 year
Note
okay but when you aren't at practice i would Love to hear your thoughts on riddle/floyd though
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE thank u i love an excuse to talk excessively about Characters
i COULD link to some other post i could probs find where i talked about them a lot already. HOWEVER. i also love to repeat myself. i want excuses to do it AGAIN!!! sorry it is Long. teehee.
ok anyway. riddle/floyd, love those funny little guys. initially? like 2+ years ago? wasn't a fan, but i also did not like the octavinelle boys At All in the early days fklsdjfkldj but i warmed up to them by the end of book 4 bc they were Silly 😌
as for riddle and floyd together, my initial thought at first glance was "what da heck, floyd's just mean to riddle, that wouldnt work, i dont like it 😤
BUT through the power of obsessively rewatching scenes over and over again and getting a closer look at character vibes and motives [and also fun fanart lol], i have CHANGED MY MIND. mostly. i mean floyd is still floyd LOL but we'll get to that.
so my main thoughts for them could be one of two things: floyd having a one sided obnoxious crush on riddle and poking at him for attention/cuz it's funny, OR <- that but with the added layer of floyd picking on him half bc he thinks it's funny and half with some sincerity behind it [ill get to that] + floyds loose chaos way of existing is a good contrast to riddle who was forced to be Perfect and Proper and Rigid his whole life; he needs people to shake him loose a bit and teach him to learn to have fun and be a goofy lil guy!!! with time and growth they could balance each other out real well i think.
SO. yes on one hand riddle gets Upset with floyd and there are def times where it's like "uhuh floyds just bein mean for his own enjoyment and riddle's got the right to be upset here imo" like i think of i thhhiiiink floyd's regular uniform R vignette of an example of floyd picking on riddle for fun and riddle getting understandably upset, maybe getting a lil personal with his reaction but still i get him being like "why the fuck are you so awful to me get away" like. not off to a great start LOL but i actually really like that story. ive read it several times bc i feel like floyd and riddle's reactions to each other are interesting. the ambiguity [at least, i think it's ambiguous, im really not sure dklfjd] of floyd being like "....im bored now. bye." <- being either "was he upset when riddle compared him to jade/bit back at him, or did he really just have his regular mood swing and get bored? what was he feeling there???" also i just think it's funny how riddles like "huh, did i go too far and upset him...? oh well i dont care 🚶‍♂️" jsklfjdsl
ok ANYWAY. theyre complex and that's fun to me. i think however there are SEVERAL instances where floyd picking on riddle doubles as looking out for him - though im unsure if that's coincidence or intentional on floyd's part.
i can think of at least three off the top of my head: vargas camp 1 event, halloween 1, and the very start of book 4 when you're saying bye to everyone before they go home for the holidays.
Vargas Camp 1 scene [spoilers obviously lol]: the scene where people have gone MISSING and everyone's FREAKED OUT and they're by the fireplace. poor sweet lil riddle is shivering and very cold!!! floyd makes fun of him ldsfjds he's like "goldfishie, your lips are turning blue! if your hair turns blue too, i'll have to think of something else to call you lol" and riddle Gets Mad and is all "FLOYD why are you messing around RIGHT NOW OF ALL TIMES!!! TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!!!" all red faced and 😡 so angy!!! floyd just laughs and is like "hehe glad you're all red and warm now 😌" <- so this is what i mean by it's POSSIBLE he did that on purpose, knowing it would make riddle mad and by extension make him all warm and toasty lol. it also could just be that he wanted to pick on him and it happened to also help djfkldsj. ALSO! right after that when riddle gets SNATCHED, floyd makes a comment about how the shadow beast must be strong because "even goldfishie's gone". just cute that he acknowledges riddle's skills there 😌
halloween 1: around the very end of the event when the second years are having their post party talking time, there's a scene where jade's still running around being Helpful and floyd + riddle are both like "hey man relax, come eat something" but the SECOND riddle says something to jade, floyd IMMEDIATELY turns around and is like "hahaha you're such a hypocrite, youve barely been eating anything yourself you tiny tiny cranky goldfishie" and riddle's all I Eat The Daily Recommended Calorie Intake. bjkldfjdsg. anyway floyd makes him mad but then hes all 👀 when silver mentions CAKE but then pretends hes too full. floyds like "uhuh well there's always room for dessert so let's go" and tugs riddle along with him and the others to go find cake lol. now on one hand you could look at that as Not Listening to Riddle and Doing Whatever, which i think is a totally valid interpretation too. BUT the way i see it is more of floyd being like "you're not fooling anyone here, we can all see you want to do this thing but you will not allow yourself to indulge, you need that push to enjoy yourself bc you havent learned to give in to indulgences so im going to give you that push". it's a cute scene of second years partying lol.
book 4 mirror scene: when riddle shows up to go home, he's distracted and low energy. he's gotta go home and wants to Face His Mother. having the dread of facing an overbearing parent, not wanting to go home for the holidays, i get it, it's a mood dampener. the other heartslabyul boys are all like 😔bc ya, sore topic, rough and heavy. then floyd shows up fdsklfdsklfjlk and he's like "what's the matter? dont wanna go home? then dont 😌 stay here with us! we can keep a tiny goldfishy as a pet hehehehehe" or something like that lol. the SECOND floyd shows up riddle is SCOWLING and COMPLAINING jfkldjsfl. even jade is like 😐floyd do not pry into his personal family life 😐 <- as if he's not a nosy bitch himself LOL. anyway!!!!! floyd's comment about riddle being a teeny goldfish makes him all mad and 😡 again and trey/cater gotta diffuse the situation like the mvp besties they are lfjsd. riddle's like "well anyway i do NOT wanna hang out with octavinelle for the holidays good BYE!!! 😤" and trey comments about how at least he seems like he's back to his regular self. i think again, you could see this as floyd just picking on riddle bc he likes picking on riddle, which i think is very true here lol, BUT if you read between the lines i do think it's a valid thought to look at it as like, floyd saw riddle down in the dumps and gave him something to get riled up about to distract him from his gloominess. i mean he made him mad jfldksjf but it was still more of the riddle theyre Used To and he was no longer sulking?? lol, that one may be a little more of a stretch but i stand by it as a possibility!!!
because!!! i wont get into it too much but it has been shown on several accounts that like, floyd's a smart dude when he wants to be. i fully believe he understands people decently well if he cares to, and has his own way of how he chooses to navigate it. like this part isnt about riddle but in one of the beans events, i think beans 2? when they spot malleus and lilia sparring, i think epel or someone's like "oh we could gang up on lilia and help malleus defeat him!!" but floyd stops them and is more or less like "nah they're havin fun over there doin their thing. we should leave them. if i were riled up havin fun like that i wouldnt want someone comin along to spoil it" or something like that. so like i think he's got compassion for other people at times and will act accordingly if he wants to. he's a very interesting multifaceted character!!
also heehee funny fish boy pokes fun at funny tiny red boy. opposites attract is just a fun dynamic i always like 😌
some other misc things i like with them:
in halloween 2, when they're initially gonna go in the mirror, floyd and riddle BOTH wanna just charge headfirst into it without a second thought fksdjflkd. it's SO cute seeing riddle on the same level as floyd with impulsiveness
also in halloween 2, when they find possessed jade and he's acting like floyd, riddle's like That's Not Floyd 😤 immediately, which i mean leads to a convo about the twins' hair lol BUT i like to think it also just shows how much riddle's around the twins
riddle has a lot of similarities to azul. floyd and jade like to pick on azul a lot. despite being weird about how they talk about it kfdjdlsdfjkl floyd jade and azul are all friends and i think they care about each other a lot. floyd also loves to tease riddle. i think it's both bc riddle and azul have entertaining reactions when theyre Being Teased, but also i think that's part of how floyd shows his affection. like he's having fun, he's playing!!! when he's not interested in something or someone hes got No Energy and is like im outta here 🚶‍♂️ but with riddle he's always like hehehehehe funny little goldfishie heheheheehehe
these two separate bits from the first twst anthology manga [fan translated by turtlesoupscans]:
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^i think the anthology mangas are considered like semi canon or something but i think this is kinda cute lol, like floyd thrilled to hang out with riddle and riddle apparently spending time with floyd for five straight hours lol
and then this part, i think about it all the time:
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thats just a very potent section of a small bit of floyd in general bothering riddle bc he's bored and wants to hang out!! but like. hi. hello. whoever wrote/illustrated this part? they had an agenda. a florid agenda. and i See It lolololol. and then floyd wants to play tag with him right after 😌 also i just like the way he greets him at the start lol-
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YO~ 🤗 f l o y d ... 😔
ALSO it's said somewhere, i think a few places but idr where, that during the second years' orientation, floyd and riddle got into a chaotic fight with each other like how grim disrupted the first years'/game's opening orientation. enemies to lovers on sight or something LOL
anyway. there are probably more scenes i cant remember but ive been typing for like an hour [i had to go into the event archives i needed to fact check myself for ACCURACY] and i have to cut myself off or i will Never Stop sljkfjdsj THANKS for indulging me SORRY i talked for 500 years. i can and will do it again tho any time anyone asks me how i feel about anything twst related. im constantly locked and loaded with SO Many feelings.
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insulationsun · 11 months
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Curious how you viiew Kris and spams relationship (NOT SHIP!!!) I jusy feel like there's some unique vibes in the way you depict them together and I'm here for it (+ want more spam infodump from u,,,)
omg....... im very happy to hear you like the vibes whenever i draw/write them!!!! explodes into a million tiny pieces and then someone glues me back together
AND THANKYIOU !!! means a lot to me i love talking abt him im :DD OMG.... AEUGH...................[ YELLS ] ok im gona try to explain this. they mean a lot to me ok i got a lot of ground to cover. warning that i get into headcanon/theory territory here. its all based on canon but there are things that can be interpretated differently to other people so.
they are very, very complicated i think.
ive been thinking about this for a bit but like i really dont think kris would hold much against him. like, trying to kill them or the fact that he manipulated them into helping him. even for like possibly ripping them off too in his little shop roulette. i don't think kris thinks very highly of themself, but they often empathize with others.
in the case of spamton, i think there is enough understanding there that they could handwave it away. especially at the end of his battle, where he has calmed down somewhat. i always mention it's a moment of clarity because he sees through all of the lies that he's been telling himself all this time. the same feelings that had him trying to justify killing a child.
he obviously still has a lot of issues to work through, but after the spamton NEO fight he doesn't really mean any harm. and he clearly wants to help, since kris's situation matched his own so much. but it is sad that in the end he admits that he's always been a puppet- in more ways than one. he's been used and thrown away so many times.
there's a point i make about spamton's fight being kinda easy, and how this ties into his character narratively. for any other media i would not do this but its UTDR so i think it's kinda viable. spamton gives you several free turns or advantages, even during his NEO fight.
things off the top of my head: the free heal, the phone call, destroying his eyes nose and mouth is permanent for that turn, if youre not hit during the first instance of his phones for hands attack it never advances to the harder version until you get hit.
and like, you could probably say some of those are also the result of spamton's desperation, clumsiness because he isnt in the right mind. but i also think there was a part of him that didnt want to kill them. he is very loud, very in kris's face. but he was also probably like this with others, and i think he desperately wanted something. validation, attention, things of that end. and obviously, a friend.
he thinks he can find meaning through NEO. he learns the truth of the dark worlds- there's a reason he wants to see the sun, the light world; where his existence would feel REAL.
and i wouldn't want to deny any of his wrongdoings, its not really the point im trying to make. there are just a lot of things that added up to his spiral, isolation being one of them. without actual companionship, he never had other people to pull him out of every self-destructive spiral. kris is able to have something like that, even when they were little. though lonely, they still had noelle.
but then- the divorce. dess's disappearance. their brother leaving. like spamton, so many things hit them at once. it's the same life changing event like spamton's fall. his eviction, being abandoned by the addisons, when he was taken advantage of. they both drew further into themselves, punishing themself into isolation.
theres a lot there that gives them room to see themself, but to also extend kindness. whether they fight or spare him, thats ultimately the players decision. but i think the intention from kris still the same- they just want to help.
and i do think kris is invested in his plight, the scene i mentioned before but when they put the disk into the robot, they repeatedly hit it for any reaction. not something we can control so it sticks out a lot. i think like- they really wanted this idea to work. they're thinking that maybe if it actually helps spamton be free, maybe for them too? and thats why it's so haunting when he drops to the floor when his strings are cut. but a lot of people kinda went over that already. the point is that kris projects a lot of themself onto spamton, just as he did to them.
i operate under the assumption that kris in someway wished for someone to tell them how to be liked, how to talk to people, how to Not be such a weirdo. things like that. i dont really think they were happy being themself. it's clear they didnt really think they fit in, even when other people were nice to them. its not that they were treated badly, just different. but even that can feel isolating, it can separate you from others when even the smallest of things is not understood on the same level.
kris being the only human in hometown obviously affected them a lot, they have their headband with the horns to feel like one of them. toriel checked out a book on how to care for human children, etc. again, just like spamton, there is a separation they have from others.
but unlike kris, spamton had this sort of infinite drive to achieve what he wanted on his own. and even though he ended up depending on someone else so much, manipulated by his own desire to be acknowledged, he is still somehow standing at the end of it all. mind is in tatters, but still here. which i think is what sets him and kris apart.
but we also start to see kris fighting for themself in the game. i think there was a point where they really just didnt want to be themself anymore, where they gave themself up so someone else could take their place. make them feel wanted, like they finally fit in. they start to realize that they want to experience all of these fun things the SOUL is experiencing. they want to be apart of this, they dont want to be in the dark anymore. (ahahaliek the spamton line ahah where hes like "its so dark" ahah you see what i)
(i also think 'the dark' is synonymous with isolation, so ykn) (just like i interpret 'heaven' to mean many things. freedom, companionship, acknowledgement)
i do think their friendship is very awkward. like. on some level, neither of them are very great at interacting with people? i do think spamton has some innate charisma that's been with him since an addison, but he is still very off-putting as his puppet self. it's why no really wants to talk to him, besides other weirdos (kris.)(joking. maybe)
kris is kind of clingy, i think they form really deep attachments to people that are understanding of them, among other things. (susie is a really good example of how fast they get attached to others.) i do think the kinship they feel with spamton would kinda run deep too? and they'd still want to help him i think.
major major headcanon territory here lets GOOO:
so i think kris likes picking spamton up. because he is smaller than them, he can kinda act as like a cuddly pillow or something. and because i think kris is so afraid of physical touch as much as they crave it, the idea of them hugging someone else is very different than someone hugging them. they'd pick him up without warning him and i think that would make him kind of upset.
he's always used to others looking down on him, without ever really saying it? pitying looks that might be from sympathy translate to something else for him, and i think to pick him up like that is upsetting.
obviously this is how they're like at first but you know they both get on the same page eventually. think he'd find it comforting too at a certain point, but they gotta get there. the point im trying to get across here is that theyre very awkward. they can get away with a lot of nonverbal communication, because i think spamton is able to read kris pretty well. this is also due to the fact that even when he projects onto them, they still are very similar. so it just happens to line up with how kris is feeling most of the time agjdfkgfd.
but there are things they'd have to really talk about too so. the idea of them kinda working out their boundaries and gradually becoming a lot more comfortable with each other is a very nice thought. eventually they'd be kinda attached to the hip and having kris run around the lightworld with spamton just sort of hanging out in their scarf or backpack sounds so fun SDHFDSJ.
for as much as spam would like to explore it's like. he'd want someone there to be with him as he does. cos whats the point. he's recently come to terms with the fact that Yes having Friends is Awesome actually so. without saying it, he hangs around kris. eventually everyone else in hometown probably. ya know it just keeps going until he has a legitimate support system.
and this doesnt have to apply only in the lightworld too, him reconciling with the addisons, becoming friends with jevil, etc. etc. i just talk abt lightworld stuff cos im biased but like. So much.
kris being his first friend makes me Weep i'll cry. and the fact they'd extend it after everything he's done in his desperation is kinda neat. and i dont wanna act like kris is kinda like. the nicest person ever because i do think, as mentioned above, they dont really know where to draw lines.
in terms of like, physical boundary, but also like in the way they prank noelle. not everyone is going to be okay with being scared like they do to noelle. even some pranks that may seem harmless have consequences that are unexpected. this mischievousness is nothing but play to them, and obviously they wouldnt mean it if it hurts someone. (IE: they'd never prank noelle the way the player does, pressing off the switch where she could seriously get hurt.)
kris is just a kid though, so like a lot of this is just unintentional. it is difficult for me to see kris having any malevolent intentions with others
but yeah, i think they can be a little mean-spirited sometimes without meaning to. They would be a bit like this to spamton too, so. they both have things to work on. this is a complete side thing but i think they both joke about the morbid a lot or see themselves as Things that are just not human those are small things though sdhfjdkg
and i make this comparison a bit in my fic, but their voices are very raspy? kris, from not using it very much, and spamton who is in perpetual shout mode completely destroying his vocal chords. (hypothetical vocal chords? whatever is going on in there. ) i just think that is nice :]
their relationship is an awkward but tender thing i think... i like this scenario where spamton sort of like helps kris fight for themself. like to allow them to see the value in being themself, and how thats something they shouldnt lose. i like him sort of motivating them, in a way? things like forcing them to get up in the morning faster, really pushing them to live their life.
something something, let me become your strength. T_T
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izzyliker · 2 years
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I love looking at ofmd through a class lens your meta is on poiiint.
Ive also seen the argument that Izzy is being toxic and unreasonable by not getting with the program and changing to fit the crew bc Stede's reality warping powers means that's a good move. But they're not real! Stede doesn't have powers! There ARE consequences to Stede's bullshit and both him and his crew pay for it multiple times, it just gets played for laughs. Stede nearly gets killed directly as a result of him being a privileged idiot living in fantasy land, they crash their ship, and with the oranges situation (that Stede caused!) the Swede loses teeth and the crew has to do hard labor to get oranges while Stede fucks around in the forest even though he could have presumably just bought the oranges.
Like. To me this reads as Stede is running a startup anyone with sense would know to avoid no matter how well he pays bc it WILL crash and burn any day soon with no warning, and no matter how much your boss insists this company is a family you Know as soon as shit hits the fan he will leave you to hang either bc he's incompetent or doesnt actually care about you as a person. And in the canon context if he fucks up people have a high chance of not surviving it, not just losing their income.
I like Stede as a character, I think he really wants to TRY earning success and a life he loves by the end of the season and I want to see him grow into an actually good leader at some point, but I know in my bones that irl I'd hate his guts bc I've had bosses like him before and they suck. If it was firmly a romantic comedy Id be more inclined to let it go as part of the allowances of the genre but it's not, the genre changes wont let me. Ive worked IT for the government, useless coworkers and bosses that literally cant get fired no matter how much more work they cause everyone else are a plague on my house and I cant imagine how stressed out Id be if going to the office carried a high risk of death. Izzy is being very reasonable actually I would have snapped worse lmao
Also I dont think Izzy is being a toxic friend in trying to remove Ed from Stede's influence when 1) he knows Ed gets caught up and lost in other people bc of Jack, 2) Ed has said to Izzy's face that he'd like to try dying, and 3) Izzy knows following Stede is suicidal. He doesnt get to see anything that would temper his view that this is what's happening either! Every instance of Stede showing potential as a pirate captain Izzy is not there! And Ed doesn't say anything to him to convince him this isnt the situation!
He is however losing it by the end of the season, that's where Izzy fucks up big and loses a toe for it lol
TBH big agree - i think izzy is REALLY MEAN to ed (and both crews) in several instances and i keep having to rewatch to remind myself of the fact that even when he Has A Point he’s still often going at it in ways that are Kinda Awful, but like he’s NOT some homophobic no fun allowed villain people seem to think he is. like bros literally surrounded by people who are utterly incompetent and refuse to do their job meaning You have to do it and there is nothing he can do about it LOL. someone wrote a modern au r/amitheasshole type post about this exact scenario actually where stede owns a startup and ed decides to merge his business with his failing scam of a company, i’ll try to dig it out bc it was hilarious
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chinchillinator · 2 years
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Stupid long post about why Fire Island (2022) hit me in the solar plexus and didn’t let up
ive had time to Process. ive had time to eat. ive had time to drink quite a lot of tea. now, time to be slightly more coherent about my thoughts. though far more long-winded. because here’s the thing, Fire Island is not about just Being Gay or just Being Asian. it is about the intersection of these.
This movie is just enjoyable. Straight up. No question. It is a movie that is enjoyable to watch for anyone who has even a remote interest in the romcom genre. It’s a deeply heartfelt adaptation of a well-loved novel, it’s a respectful and grateful nod to adaptations that have come before it, it’s a fun comedy that hits its beats perfectly every time, and it’s so full of care that every character shines for themselves in a way that makes you love each and every one. And, alright, maybe I’m somewhat biased, but truly I think this is just a Good Movie and its universality comes from it just being a Good Movie that makes people laugh and cry and just have fun watching it.
But sitting down to watch this movie sparked something in me that is so much deeper than just genuine enjoyment. I experienced something I’ve never had the privilege of experiencing before: a movie that represented every facet of myself in such an authentic way, I finally understood what it means to see myself in a piece of media. Not just a part, not just a relatable line that spoke to something I recognized in my own life, but a much more layered and nuanced sum total of my lived experience. Because that’s what it’s like to have a movie about queer Asian-Americans that’s actually written by queer Asian-Americans.
I said to my friend -- also a queer Asian-American -- while watching a scene in Erin’s kitchen, “this is such an Asian house.” She screamed her agreement. (To be fair, most of the movie was just us screaming at each other, but regardless.) There’s no explicit details that I could point to and say, “that’s an Asian thing” or “this is exactly like my house,” but it feels inherently like my home. This is where I am comfortable, this is where I belong, and this is, at least in part, due to the influence of the woman who owns it: an Asian woman. A woman in my community, who could be related to me, who’s built a place that speaks directly to my soul. It’s a combination of so many little things that I couldn’t even explain, but the whole creates a place that I just know. That’s what it was to watch this movie.
It’s only touched on once in the actual narration and dialogue. On the ferry to the island, Noah and Howie talk about being Asian in the queer community and what that means in a few pithy lines to give context to the movie’s themes and who they are as characters. We move on pretty quickly. It’s not necessarily important, nor necessarily a focal point -- this movie is not about Being Asian. These characters are not Asian to advance the plot or create a heart-wrenching character arc or be the representation quota to make the movie woke. They are simply humans. Just some people who could be sitting next to you on the bus talking about finding love or finding someone to fuck. Their race is incidental.
Only it’s also not.
Like with Erin’s kitchen, there are very few single details of this movie that I could pick out and say, “that is what defines the queer Asian-American experience.” But at the same time there were dozens of instances that struck me as something I knew intimately. The subtleties of anti-Asian racism and the briefest of brief mentions of being mix-race and how these things interact and intersect within the queer community as whole. And they’re never dwelled upon as if they are important to the plot, because essentially, they are not. This movie was for queer Asian-Americans not because it was necessarily about how our experiences are defined by our race or our sexuality, but because it built our experiences into the world so organically that it’s almost unnoticed. Because, to us, it kind of is. This is just how life is for us, we don’t know or see any different, we can’t. Everything we go through is rolled up within our identities, and of course this is true for everyone everywhere. It’s just that this movie was so perfectly targeted to this specific demographic because Joel Kim Booster is, himself, a queer Asian-American. Almost like, by having someone of that demographic breathe life into this story and these characters, it creates a fully-rounded, nuanced, and entirely authentic portrayal of a particular community that speaks to them on a level much deeper than any other. Wild.
I do want to try to talk about two specific instances, though, despite all I’ve just said about how the lack of specificity actually creates such powerful representation, because they mattered to me so very much and they feel very topical at this moment. First, the creepy dude who hits on Noah and Howie because they’re Asian, and second, the fact of Will’s mixed heritage. How do these things relate to the plot? Oh, well, they don’t. At all. You can take out Cooper’s line about Will’s mother and you can replace the creepy dude with literally anyone else and nothing about the story is different. But it would lose something significant to me. Losing those would be losing parts of the world that make it so viscerally real and recognizable to me; the representation wouldn’t feel so painfully, beautifully poignant to me without them.
So, let’s talk creepy dude. The fucking anime tattoos. That’s what Noah points out. And, no, that’s not some hard and fast rule saying “oh, this person loves orientalism” but it is something we Notice. And Consider. And it’s perfectly portrayed as to why. This guy is not outright racist in the most formal sense. Not a slur in sight. No spitting or violence. Just the most deeply uncomfortable microaggression known to man that tells us, immediately and unquestioningly, this person only wants to fetishize us. It’s the predatory nature of his approach, the way he zooms in on Noah and exudes the air of trapping him without even being directly in his space. It’s the way he played “so where are you really from” like a game with himself. It’s the combination of this with his four anime tattoos. This man doesn’t give a fuck who Noah or Howie are, he only wants An Asian. And this is distressingly common amongst Asian-Americans.
The conversation about the fetishization of Asian bodies normally focuses on female-presenting bodies. And while it’s true that female-presenting Asian people are more at risk due to the overlap of them being female-presenting and Asian and the way our society is structured against female-presenting people, Joel Kim Booster is making a hell of a point with this: racism is present in queer communities, and anti-Asian racism looks awfully similar no matter where you are. Queer, male-presenting Asians are fetishized the same way female-presenting Asians are and it is just as harmful. And just as subtle. This moment made my entire self simply become the embodiment of the word yikes. But maybe to someone who isn’t Asian, this moment looked innocuous. Maybe to every other person in that scene who wasn’t Asian, nothing weird or out of place was happening at all. And, in fact, if Noah wasn’t Asian, this wouldn’t have happened at all. A very recognizable Asian-American experience distilled down to a few seconds that served only to introduce our first interaction between Noah and Will, which could have gone any other way for the sake of the plot, but also couldn’t have for the sake of real life. Because Noah is Asian, because Joel Kim Booster is Asian. Because this is just How Things Happen to us. And if we’re fighting against the fetishization of female-presenting Asians, we have to fight against the fetishization of male-presenting Asians, too.
As for Will? His mixed heritage? That just laid me flat on my back.
It’s the fact that Cooper felt the need to point it out. As if to really nail home to Noah, “he’s more like us than he is like you.” When the entire point of the story is this very Us Versus Them mentality -- whether it pertains to class, or race, or any other form of social standing -- Cooper closing Will out of some perceived “Asian club” with Noah and Howie is essentially erasing the fact that he’s Asian at all. And that could mean that Will isn’t treated as Asian by these people; there’s a level of conformity that he must ascribe to in order to be accepted by them, one that upholds the White status quo, and if he steps out of line he loses them. Another form of racism interwoven with being a part of the queer community. Because connecting with other queer people is so wonderful and fulfilling and sometimes, maybe, you’re willing to overlook Certain Things in order to be amongst a group of your peers; no one wants to be doubly ostracized, but so many people are. It’s even thrown in Will’s face from the other side, too. When Noah tells him he’s just the token Asian for his friend group, a harsh reminder that he’s not like them, not really. That there are parts of his life and his lived experience that his friends will never understand. And the implication that Noah does understand. “You’re not better than me because you’re friends see you as White,” Noah seems to say, “you’re just being hurt in a different way.”
Being “white-passing” comes with its privileges and its pitfalls. And it’s not always about being white-passing in appearance, either. Conrad Ricamora is absolutely not white-passing to my eye. But he’s passed as white by his friends. By Cooper, who thinks that having a white mother gives the Us claim to him over the Them. And being passed as white, he must act that part. The beauty of the evolution of his relationship with Noah being that he no longer has to act. He can fully embrace his identity as a queer Asian man around other queer Asian men who share his experiences even more deeply than the other queer men he became close with. It’s not a part of his character arc that’s focused on, because the story isn’t about race or ethnicity, but to me, a “white-passing” mixed-race Asian, there was release at the end. A freedom. That breath you take at finally finding your place and being welcomed for the whole of who you are.
Erin’s kitchen. The little details of who Will was as a person bearing almost no resemblance to who I am as a person, and yet viscerally familiar.
None of this could’ve existed in this form if it was not helmed by a queer Asian-American. Someone who can simply weave his lived experiences into a movie that has literally nothing to do with them in any specificity, someone who can set us down in a world where we’re finally seeing through his eyes what it’s like to live his life. And I recognize that life. I also live that life. And I don’t have to dig down to find the parts of myself beneath all the layers I can’t relate to, I don’t have to pick a detail to latch on to. I get to have it all. I get to see Myself on a screen, represented in a way that I understand on just about every level. Chest-aching, heart-rending, utterly magical; almost three decades of this life and I get to have this. Finally.
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shrug-em0ji · 1 year
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i need to say this or ill scream
i have no real way of knowing if calling anything i experience a "flashback" is like. psychologically sound. but its the best way ive found to make sense of like. my general state.
i dont like it when people touch me. it gives me flashbacks. i think in a lot of ways thats totally normal - very innocuous touches from acquaintances and such remind you of previous instances of being loved, comforted, desired. it makes being touched good, even if the specific touch isnt, pre se.
when someone touches me - innocently, kindly, comfortingly, lovingly - i remember being pushed, prodded, moved, thrown, hit.
my dad had a number of games he really enjoyed. beached whale, where he flopped on top of us like a dead body. foot bink, where hed grab our feet and tickle us by biting our arches lightly. the timeless classic, picking us up and tossing us on a couch or bed from halfway across the room. kids love that shit! i have a vague, faint memory of liking it. at some point, i stopped liking it. being grabbed threw my heart into my throat, made me feel like i was choking, like i was being dragged into a pit. being thrown made me feel like i was hurtling through the air to my death.
and it generalized, at some point. being hugged made me feel like i was being subsumed, crushed, eaten. when i am pulled gently the voice in my head screams and i have to fight down the tiny animal instinct telling me to run for my life.
sometimes theres tactile stuff. nick pulls me across the bed and i feel carpet and my nails dig desperately for the leg of a chair.
usually there isnt tho.
usually someone holds me and i am 7 years old and keeping very still, waiting for it to be over. usually someone bumps into me and im 5 and trying to stay still to avoid drawing attention. usually, nick touches my thigh and im 8 and im crying and begging pleasenopleasenopleaseno even though i know it wont make it stop. usually i am crying and nick asks whats wrong and im a child being told to stop being dramatic or im going to make it worse.
nick asks me to tell them where to touch me and i am a child being asked to pick a stick, to pick a body part, to name a number and if i choose too low ill get the maximum instead. i am a child and i am being asked to participate in my own destruction and there is no way out.
they ask "is this okay" and hes screaming "are you happy now? is this what you wanted?"
my body is an object, a thing that is taken and passed and manipulated and then given back to me and i have no choice but to live in it. i am selfish and grotesque and stingy and frigid and i wish i wish i wish i wish i could just be held and not be 6 and hiding hiding hiding under blankets tables chairs bushes
this sucks
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wkemeup · 2 years
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Do u still answer therapy questions? Cause i could use some help 👉👈 i think im a bad friend. My best friend showed me her art portfolio for her semester at college, and it was amazing. Her work was beautiful and incredible. I am so proud. But, it also made me sad, and kinda angry. It made me realize that one: shes being an adult, she has a website now with her art, shes got a fancy photo, and is actually doing something, she has a purpose. And 2: is that iv done nothing since dropping out 4 months ago. I am going to an art school, but thats not until august. But iv done nothing! I feel like shit and seeing her progress made me feel awful. Why do i do this? Why cant i just be happy for my friends without thinking about my failures? Is this normal or am i just an ass?
This isnt the only instance, i try not to bring it up with them cause i dont wanna make the focus about me when there showing me something there proud of. But, if they have success it just makes me go "why tf didnt u do that? God your art sucks, u should just give up. Youll never be as good as blah blah blah" stuff like that. Like nah i cant just enjoy my friends intrests and be proud, can i? Idk. Got any advice? I could sure use it
Comparing yourself to others (especially your friends) is a pretty universal human experience. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy though. If you’re worried about the act of comparison and feeling inadequate making you a bad friend, I’d challenge you to reread the parts where you said your friends work was beautiful and you’re proud of her. You can both feel that way and still feel insecure about your own accomplishments. They don’t cancel each other out. You are allowed to coexist under dueling emotions.
This mindset isn’t something that is easily adjusted with one post on tumblr, but the work is around allowing yourself to be on your own timeline and your own path. Your friend may look at other aspects of your life and feel similarly to how you to do about their art. Also consider that you may be overlooking areas of your life that are going well (like the fact that you are attending art school soon and are actively pursuing your own successes even if they haven’t happened yet).
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of feeling like everyone else’s lives are perfect and you’re the one who’s the failure. But it’s simply not true. Our thoughts are biased. They’re not always an accurate reflection of the world.
Challenge yourself to remember that you are not held to some imaginary success time limit. You are allowed to follow your own path. And that can look different from your friend without it being better or worse. Just different. When you catch those thoughts berating yourself in response to seeing your friends work, reminder yourself of this. It takes a lot of effort to reframe thinking patterns, but the key is simply noticing when those thoughts pop up, take a deep breath, gently challenge the thought, and turn away from it.
Hope that helps
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rogueninja · 3 years
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it has been 0 days since i last cried about gon and killua parting ways
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actualbird · 2 years
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character analysis: vyn and artem + I Need To Be Perfect + fear and guilt = these two are more alike than you (and they) think but also end up so different thanks to their respective emotional method
wc: 1.8k, enjoy the dashboard stretch
general. vague spoilers ahead for both vyn and artem's stories but i dont mention anything specific, im more working on the vibes im getting from all of it as a whole. also obligatory disclaimer that these r just my own thoughts and interpretations
part 1: vyn and artem have a similar core desire
before i go anywhere, let me define the terms ive made up here.
in this analysis, a core desire pertains to something something one wants so much to the point it informs so much of who that person is. stuff like that person's ambition or what theyd like to experience in the lives or a certain image of themselves they want to embody for people who see them. u want something and u want it so bad that that desire paints a bunch of ur personality or actions or values.
an emotional method is basically what it says on the tin. it's a way someone pursues something, and in this case, the way someone pursues a core desire. but also this method doubles as a reason, almost, for what they desire what they want in the first place. this thing is like, both how and why that person pursues what they want.
with that all in place, i think a core desire of both vyn and artem is to Be A Perfect Person, tho the definition for what a Perfect Person has some slight deviations for both of them.
vyn seems to want to be seen as perfect irt having no weaknesses, no flaws, no cracks in the armor of who he is. vyn wants to be seen as learned, refined, and always on top of every stuation. artem wants to be seen as perfect more in the sense that he needs to be Correct, he needs to live up to all expectations set of him.
this desire of theirs shows in their personality and what they do. vyn, for example, doles out true vulnerability sparsely because vulnerability means showing another person parts of yourself that are "weak" or "ugly". and artem is just, ykno, //gestures to his entire life of overachieving and his whole reputation.
of course, how this desire manifests isnt a linear and perfect (haha) desire, there are instances where this desire is actually like, a curse of sorts. im not too sure about vyn (im VERY behind on his cards, apologies), but artem has mentioned various times that he wishes people didnt put him on a pedestal (examples off the top of my head are in SR Sparks and SR Fixated on You) and yet in spite of this, his actions are still ones that align towards wanting to achieve his kind of perfection anyway.
so they both want to be seen as perfect. thats a similarity they have that informs a lot of who they are. so if theyve got this in common, why are they such different people? why are they at odds with each other in canon? why cant they recognize this part of themself in the other, or, if they do, why do they not meet that with empathy?
it's cuz while they have that same core desire, their emotional methods to pursue it are juuuuuuuust different
vyn’s method to pursue that core is fear while artem’s method to pursue that core is guilt.
aka
vyn is like that because hes scared.
artem is like that because hes sorry.
part 2: vyn "if you kept a snake in your eye line, it wasn't gonna bite you" richter
the line in the above quotation mark is from the documentary "Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold" and the full quote goes:
"I, myself, have always found that if I examine something, it's less scary. We always had this theory that if you kept a snake in your eye line, it wasn't gonna bite you. That's kind of the way I feel about confronting pain. I wanna know where it is."
which, i think, is a great kind of explanation for how and why vyn tackles a lot of things, among them, the perfection situation.
vyn, in so many cases, always exhibits and aims to have control over the situation. he always wants to have the advantage, the power to be able to sway whatever is happening in either his direct favor or in the direction he needs it to go (like for nxx investigations). ive talked about this control thing in many past analyses but it's key here in conjunction with the above quote. he does this to "know where the snake is"
but he goes past knowing where the snake is, goes past having the information and examining that information. he doesnt just want to know, he wants to be at and expertly leverages himself to a higher level over that information.
to continue with the metaphor; he damn well knows where the snake is. and so he takes care to either be far enough away that it cant strike or he takes action and attacks first.
all this because at the end of the day, the snake---and lemme give the snake some names now: pain, hurt, things that are out to get him, things that will belittle him, things that will cast him out, and more and more because a lot of who vyn is as a person is strange to many people, it's other, and vyn is of the belief that the world regards things that are different with cruelty and scorn. and the sad thing is that hes right---is scary. it is something he is afraid of.
and when vyn is in control---when hes using his knowledge to run circles around people in conversations, when hes using his expertise to get the dominos to fall the way he wants, when hes setting up even just the image of himself in the way he does---it's way harder for things to hurt him.
vyn is on the defensive and offensive to protect himself. and a person protects themself from things they fear.
part 3: artem "to make up the fact that it's me" wing
ive got a line quotation marks above again and this one is taken from the essay "Ugly, Bitter, and True" by Suzanne Rivecca. the scene where that quote comes from goes:
The San Francisco therapist kept telling me I shouldn’t be terrified of creative experimentation. “I don’t know what’s going to come out of me,” I told her. “It has to be perfect. It has to be irreproachable in every way.” “Why?” she said. “To make up for it,” I said. “To make up for the fact that it’s me.”
which is, once more, a pretty damn good summation of how and why artem strives for perfection.
artem is a textbook overachiever. youngest senior attorney, always working, constantly striving for such high standards in everything he does even the things he enjoys like his hobbies. a bunch of this is because artem is like, holds a lot of value in the concept of rules. theres a proper way to go about everything and it just so happens that the proper way for him in particular to exist is to achieve all these things and continue to do so for the rest of his life.
and the reason that this is the proper way for him is because it's artem's apology for who he is as a person.
in many many stories, artem has expressed this sentiment that hes both too little (boring, not interesting, not fun to be around, has hobbies that arent exciting, inexperienced in emotional situations, all in all just a personality thats bland and not worth the effort of getting to know) and also too much (too intimidating, imposing to the point that coworkers and colleagues are afraid of approaching him, an unreachable paragon on a pedestal too high).
this kind of contradiction must be hell for artem, somebody quite rooted in logic. how can he be lacking and overflowing at the same time? somewhere, theres a fault in the system of who he is and this fault affects everybody around him and hes so, so sorry.
in a sense, hes apologizing through his striving for and achieving the so-called perfection he desires. he does this because he needs to make up for it.
to make up for the fact that he is who he is.
part 4: the same but different. what does this mean for them?
it means that we have one (among many) reasons for what we see in canon; vyn and artem at each other's throats.
oftentimes it's in a comedic context but this animosity between them also crops up in more serious contexts (main story (forgot which parts specifically): artem angrily saying that he and vyn are NOT friends, vyn expressing his relief that artem was not with mc when he evaluated her) and like. canon hasnt given us a reason for this yet, haha.
like, marius and artem are iffy at each other because theyve both lost somebody close to them and theres a possibility that their respective missing person could have a hand in the missing-ness of the other respective person. marius and vyn are iffy at each other because ksdjbgksjd working with ur teacher/student cant be all that great at first. (and from the sidelines, luke waves with a friendly smile, clean slate and no beef against the others)
but what about artem and vyn? theres no history given, so it may be because of hidden beef we dont know, may be because of just personalities clashing
but it may be because of this whole core and method thing i wrote about here.
to artem, vyn may seem to effortlessly exude the image of perfection that artem wishes he could be. vyn is not a contradiction, vyn wields himself expertly, vyn does not fumble, and for all that vyn has the higher ground, it's not in the lonely way that artem experiences. artem is guilty for who he is while vyn seems to bask in himself.
to vyn, artem may seem to be a glaring example of what hes afraid may happen to him; so focused on perfection that if someone were just to look in the right place, all those actions would lead to obvious faults that are being apologized for. vyn is afraid of showing weakness and artem is a case study of how perfection can point to those weaknesses anyway.
in each other, they might see a mirror image of something that exists in themself. but it's contained in a person that sparks jealousy in artem because artem feels shame and vyn seems to not. it's contained in a person that sparks apprehension in vyn because artem doing all this and it still might fail if vyn doesnt play his cards right.
so theyre similar
but also different in juuuuuust the exact direction to make the original guilt and fear even worse.
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relaxxattack · 3 years
Note
hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so
ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.
what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg
dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)
aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!
let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.
first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]
(this got really fucking long im so sorry)
ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).
tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.
(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)
the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.
this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.
there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).
due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.
this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.
unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”
in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.
basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.
chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’
i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.
ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.
he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.
it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.
-
now, here’s my opinion:
i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.
then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.
people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.
the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.
telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.
(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)
-
do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!
or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!
some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!
-
CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):
are c!bee duo romantic?
its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!
should i put /p on bee duo content?
ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though
should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?
no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”
can i ship c!bee duo?
mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.
can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?
yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird
here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.
right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!
i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.
..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.
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chasingfictions · 2 years
Note
OH!! ok double asking it’s fine but also spike :)) i wanna “first” on asking u for ur spike opinions lmao
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@karmillakarnstein answering urs here as well ! <3
favorite thing about them
HELLO. truly HELLO i think what i love most about my good buddy my best friend my special pal spike btvs is the way he tries so hard the way he is guided by love the way it SHOULD be impossible for him to be as good as he is like vampires showing Any goodness should be impossible and ESPECIALLY the degree he does the way he just !!!!!!!!!!!! kjdfkdfs spike btvs makes me want to be a better person like when i think about becoming part ii,,,, when i think about spike with almost No provocation thinking about it for 2 seconds and going 'i want to save the world' and then following through with that and then his whole life changes like truly he is deeeeply true to himself and to what it looks like to just live a life that is ruled by love above all else and I JSUT????
least favorite thing about them
that he has a canonically crooked penis and that this is a detail marti noxon chose to inflict upon me and me specifically
favorite line
hi literally hi dfjkdefkjs this question makes my brain blank every time but i think it's still 'it's a big rock. i can't wait to tell my friends. they dont have a rock this big' ... truly he cant wait to tell his friends. he's excited
brOTP
SPIKEWILLOW BESTIEISM truly same arc different place in that arc <3333
OTP
guys buffy is his wife . that's his WIFE
nOTP
like ok. canonically spangel has fucked and that's important to their dynamic and there are instances where i've enjoyed fic that includes spangel or ive used them as a plot point in my own fic??? that said i just like, cant really feel anything about it very much beyond like, canonical bi spike proof in the positive feelings camp and then in the negative feelings camp it's like right ok so angel was spike's abusive cult leader for several decades and that's all i have to say on that
random headcanon
HELLO i think spike btvs loved lemon squares as a child i think he studied classics at eton and and poetry at oxford i think he died a virgin i think he can't count i think he eats garlic just to see what'll happen i think him loving soaps is part of just him always being into whatever is the lowest common denominator of media in a given timeframe being his favorite like victorian vampire spike loves penny dreadfuls 1920s spike loves nickelodeons, when they invent the b-movie he goes fucking INSANE anyway spike btvs is really into the bachelor franchise and is trying to get dawn to help him get tiktok famous
unpopular opinion
WHAT??? any OPINION about SPIKE BTVS being CONTROVERSIAL???? i cant imagine such a thing .......
song i associate with them
HI okkkokokokok good old fashioned lover boy by queen. modern girl by sleater kinney. washing machine heart by mitski. something has to change by the japanese house. important to the world by bloodboy. girls just wanna have fun by cyndi lauper. human bog by baths. dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen. me and my husband by mitski. somebody to love by queen. moderation by florence + the machine. breaking down by florence + the machine. shake it out by florence + the machine. light of love by florence + the machine
favorite picture of them
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this is his essence. he's tryng so hard and good for him
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flowerwrites06 · 3 years
Text
break my mind’s eye V — jjk
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Plot: Jungkook thinks marriage is the only way to seal a deal.
Pairing(s): Druglord!Jungkook x Fashion Designer!OC (Name: Belle)
Rating: G | PG | M | R 18+
Type: Drabble | Oneshot | Two Parter | Series
Parts: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Special 
Word Count: 9k+
Genre: Mafia | Angst/Smut/Fluff
Tags & Warnings (for entire series): drug dealing, marriage through trickery, explicit smut, drug use, dubious consent, prostitution, miscarriage, lots of manipulation, impregnation through manipulation 
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The new routine of embedding her older brother into their lives again became somewhat casual in a fortnight. Though the presence of their ‘guest’ now created a significant rift between the new couple especially when it came to certain less than elegant activities. Not that they did not try of course.
One week into the modified living condition, Jungkook and Belle had been chatting at the bar which now mysteriously had an abnormally good stock of fruit juice compared to actual alcohol. A few instances where the drug lord would pull out a glass of cloudy apple juice creating some suspicious looks from his clients. Apparently Master Jeon was now going on a cleanse from alcohol for a while to prolong his rule over the empire.
The innocent conversation turned to absentminded touches, fingers intertwining and standing dangerously close together so Jungkook could smell her coconut shampoo. One peck turned to a deeper kiss and completely by mistake, Belle jumped on the counter with her now slightly favourite crime lord between her legs, his rough hand sneaking underneath her skirt and his lips nibbling on her neck.
Of course this was the perfect time for Taehyung to decide for a walk finding a criminal fooling around with his little sister while she giggled.
Belle practically flew off the counter almost twisting Jungkooks’ hand and simply put, the two decided to keep it more on the down low next time.
Another week passed and the cartel had been going through some brewing tension with the authorities after a new mayor was elected. Which meant Jungkook barely showed up in the bedroom to sleep and when he did come to the bedroom, it was to work more at the study table.
Belle on the other hand now sat in the designing level of Madame Saito with her large glasses, a red sweater dress to match the confusing mixture of cool and warm. Long hair tied up in a loose bun that lobbed to the side a little when she lowered her head to focus on the little details of the blue hydrangea pattern across white silk.
She approved Seokjins’ offer of becoming his designer for the Sangria House so they could conjoin the Spring Line with the angels’ attire. As much as it ignited a tiny hint of suspicion on the owners’ intentions, Saito advised that it was a powerful business decision. Being a designer of one of the biggest establishments in the city could boost her reputation as a sole businesswoman. Instead of just being Jeon Jungkooks’ fiancée or Saitos’ protégé.
Most of the Spring Line designs were already displayed on mannequins behind her, few of them approved for the runway while others still needed more detailing.
Her thumb already pricked a few times but she grew a good resistance for it at this point carefully creating gradients on the embroidered flowers. Belle quickly learned the importance of clothes in the Sangria House. Even though it was kind of ironic considering the type of establishment.
Angels wearing white fabric were meant to be the ones still in ‘training’, red meant available for entertainment both casual or carnal, lavender represented angels who were trained in more daring acts for entertainment especially ones that were erotic. Then there were the gold angels; extremely qualified in all kinds of entertainment but were already ‘taken’. They were married to someone but still had to entertain customers for a living income. If a customer wanted to spend more intimate time with this angel, it would take the price of a mansion which only one or two clients have ever really paid.
After hearing all this, Belle felt a little silly just calling it a brothel considering how much detail went into orchestrating the whole system down to their clothes.
“Belle!”
Her hand immediately stilled staring up at the figure in a vibrant yellow pantsuit walking towards the working table.
Saitos’ eyes flickered down to the sewing pattern, a smile creeping on her red lips. “I thought you said you weren’t good at embroidery.”
The younger female chuckled nervously poking the needle into the fabric. “Not as good as how you do it.”
“I was forced to sew since I was seven.” She laughed. “Don’t let my younger self being oppressed by toxic femininity stop you from believing you can’t do it now.” She joked, patting her shoulder lightly with her gaze focused on the pattern. “All you need to do is just cut out little loose threads.” Finger gently pointed towards the little threads poking out of the design. “Always make sure it’s smooth. Sometimes when a few parts are imperfect, you can add little extra pieces over top that match the shade of the embroidery design.”
Belle nodded, eyes following wherever Saitos’ finger moved.
Then the senior designer stopped herself. “Oh! Mrs. Jeon is waiting downstairs, she has some news about your engagement.” She straightened up, fixing her blazer before gesturing over to the stairs.
Her words took a moment to sink into her mind before she pulled the hair band out of her bun and tried to make it look presentable again. Glasses placed carefully on the table while the work in progress now supervised by Saito.
Almost rushing down the stairs, Belle came face to face with the woman who wore a body hugging lavender midi skirt and a matching blazer. A smile quickly stretched across her red lips as Boyoung held onto her hands excitedly.
“I’m sorry to disturb you during work but I got too excited.” She giggled, holding up her left hand to admire the ring wrapped around it as if she had never seen it before. “It’s about the wedding.”
Heart raced against her ribcages but Belle tried to keep her expressions calm. “What—what about the wedding?”
“The date, of course!” Boyoung laughed, swinging their arms again. “See we have been saving for Jungkooks’ wedding since his nineteenth birthday. Twenty one is the traditional age to marry in our family.”
Explained the constant suitors Jungkook had to tolerate. Something Belle could relate to. Her parents had been talking about her marriage since she was thirteen because it was a good way for them to gain money. Or to get rid of her. Either way she found herself having one big thing in common with the man. “That’s very nice of you.” Nice was not the proper word Belle wanted to use but Boyoung had proved to the nicest person she met in this new world. She was not going to ruin that safety.
She nodded in acknowledgement. “Since we have more than enough money saved up for the event. I wanted to tell you that we could have the wedding in a month.”
Blood chilled in her whole body struggling to keep her smile up to such a point where it was just her lips curled up while her eyes widened a little. “A month?” She chuckled nervously.
“I know it seems a little quick…” Boyoung admitted while lowering her head for a split second.
Quick was one way to describe a thousand crates dropping right on top of you while you were just working on a pretty dress.
“But it’s good to keep up with tradition.” She nodded mostly to herself, quickly giving her a bright smile like she forced it out of her after a mental pep talk. “And you two already love for each other so it shouldn’t be too hard to fathom.”
Love.
That fucking word again. Everything just came crashing back to her as the ring felt like it was suffocating her finger until it fell off. This wasn’t real, this wasn’t real… those three words swirled around in her mind as she watched the joyful smile adorn Jungkooks’ aunt. It was a game…a deal to protect her family and her own life.
Strange how the two were thinking about the same thing but one had a grey cloud and the other had sunshine.
“Of course.” Belle smiled again a little weakly but the older females’ excitement seemed to mask any suspicion. Admittedly, sparks of interest did fly between the fresh new pair but truthfully it never moved deeper than a sexual attraction. They stopped being rude to each other and grew quite successful in pretending to be a happy engaged couple. Behind closed doors, there were smiles, maybe a little flutter in her belly whenever she saw him but—love?
No.
Love was sacrificing her entire chance at a proper relationship with a happy marriage and children so she could protect Taehyung. What Belle and Jungkook had was not love itself but a consequence of loving someone far too much to lose them.
With that thought, her pounding heart hardened. This was all for the best. The deal is simple. Marry Jungkook and be the perfect wife while Taehyung is given all the resources to recover back to a better version of himself again. What was the point of worrying so much about marriage anyway? Her career showed so much potential, Belle probably would have ended up a single business woman like Saito.
To put it more accurately, this deal was perfect. No one pressured her about marriage, Taehyung was healing and her career moved smoothly.
“So we’ll do it at my mansion then, yes?”
Boyoungs’ voice breaking into the barrier of her thoughts pulled Belle back into reality and she instinctively gave the older another grin. “Yes…your mansion is beautiful, Mrs. Jeon.” She nodded. “It’s the—perfect place for a wedding.” Perfection seemed to be all she could gain at this point.
“You’ve made a desperate aunt very happy.” She joked, patting her cheek. “Now I’ve kept you away from work long enough, we’ll talk soon.”
Belle led the woman across the boutique to the exit where her car awaited, allowing the cool air to ease some of her slightly heated anxiety.
She stood politely in front of the vehicle watching Boyoung climb inside before the driver closed it gently. Though her attention flickered over to something moving on the other side of the street where the park was. Usually filled with children running around, people jogging but her focus directed more towards the bushes fencing the area.
For a quick moment a more sensible side assumed it may have been an animal of some sort merely rustling between the branches.
Though the side that was fully aware of the new gaze on her after the engagement knew better. Animals did not wear black coats neither did they hold cameras pointing right in her direction while trying to look inconspicuous in nature.
At some point Belle suspected the photographer saw her looking into the camera because she saw the figure rush to keep themselves hidden again.
Sighing, the girl gave one quick smile to Boyoung before the car drove away and she tried to fix her attention on her work again.
-
Coffee stained papers flipped and dropped either on the other side of the crowded table or on the floor. Phone rung at some corner constantly while not a single employee had a minute without running around somewhere leaving Namjoon s’ head spinning. On his right were a pile of cases he should be doing according to the captain who insisted that vandals and petty theft was more his specialty. Granted the man could not blame her considering his biggest undercover case went downhill with no leads whatsoever leaving him to be the runt of his precinct for the past year.
He kept a decent aura of respect however, no one really wanted to piss off someone who had been personally trained to cut off important parts in a body.
Taking a sip of his possible fifth cup of coffee, his pile of useless cases forgotten on the side while he stared at the recent pictures sent to him. A few years had already passed with this growing ambition towards finding out how to expose the mystery that was the Jeon Cartel. Apparently each associate took some kind of tight fucking oath which prevented anyone from uttering a single secret about them.
The infamous Jeon Jungkook was a master of words. The golden elite of their city. Contributed to around half of the buildings in the city and factories overseas. Donated near millions of dollars to medical and disaster care.
Namjoon had to admit he was good at what he did. That is until the first drug scandal. One of the factories that Jungkook owned was caught manufacturing cocaine and distributing it to Osaka and Hong Kong. Though quickly swept under the rug when the man had two hospitals built under the guise that it was Jungkooks’ personal apology to the city. His undercover mission which he worked on for months destroyed in two days.
Now the man was left with looking at any recent changes. Anything that so much as leaned the slightest towards suspicion caused his ears to prick up and his eyes peeled.
“You know Pornhub exists, right?” Yoongi spoke in his usual gruff tone, sipping on his espresso while watching over Namjoon s’ shoulder at the pictures he was looking at.
The younger male rolled his eyes continuing to observe the photos taken three days ago. A woman wearing a striking red dress conversing and smiling with the second most powerful lady in the city. “It’s Kim Belle.” Namjoon remembered the name on the newspaper article in front of him. “Seems Jeon Jungkook is getting engaged.” He sighed, brows furrowing slightly.
“Okay…” He nodded walking over to his desk right in front of Namjoon s’ desk. “And that’s our problem because…”
“Well it doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s marriage, it almost never makes sense.” Yoongi leaned back on his chair.
Namjoon moved in to try and keep his voice down since anyone who so much as heard him talk about Jungkook started writing out complaints to the captain. “But why now? He’s been an eligible bachelor for years and all of a sudden, an engagement?”
The older male tried to suppress rolling his eyes. “Probably an arranged marriage then.” He shrugged.
“To a fashion designer?” He winced. “What the hell is he going to gain by marrying a fashion designer?”
“Free suits for a life time?” Yoongi smirked but immediately sighed seeing the warning look on Namjoon s’ face. The man had clearly dedicated his entire livelihood to exposing Jungkook which was something he could never understand. He spent most of his days going undercover and being damn good at it too, exposing all kinds of rings. The Jeon Cartel, on the other hand was a hard ice wall to crack. “Look…you’ve been at this for a long time. At this point if you so much as mention Jungkook, the captains’ just going to let you go on the grounds of insanity.”
“But something isn’t right.” Namjoon emphasized desperately wanting anyone to see under that perfect young man façade Jungkook harbored. “You don’t just get engaged to some random girl, that’s social suicide.”
“Social suicide? This isn’t fucking high school.”
“You know what I mean.”
The two men stayed silent letting the ambient noise plunge through their personal atmosphere.
Yoongi mulled over his thoughts for a moment, watching Namjoon look down at the pictures with a defeated sigh. He understood the passion behind exposing someone who was doing a harmful thing under the guise of righteousness. So many powerful heads still needed to be exposed, unfortunately Jungkook was only a newer one. “Let me see the file.” He curled his fingers in and took the thick file onto his own desk when Namjoon handed it to him.
His gaze fixated on the picture of the woman, who looked around about Jungkooks’ age except with a softness to her as opposed to the other mans’ mischief. There were a couple of news articles that Namjoon collected with that same face plastered all over. A couple of them were positive while others were out to scandalize one way or another no matter how stupid it sounded. “So you’ve never seen her with him before?”
Namjoon shook his head. “Not until a little too recently. It’s like she just appeared out of thin air.”
Flipping through the photos, Yoongi came across one where she wore a brown-ish bodycon dress walking into an establishment. “This is a rehabilitation clinic.” His brows furrowed, interest now piqued a little too much for his own liking.
“You think she’s an addict?”
“Hard to tell. Could be anything.” He muttered, eyes on the picture as he took a sip of his now cooled down espresso. “Maybe she’s visiting.”
“There has to be something weird about this, right?” Namjoon gestured towards the file.
Crime lords taking in beautiful, young wives for no reason was not an uncommon trait but usually those leaders would have a reputation of that sort. Jungkook had been a bachelor from what they knew and rarely found himself in any kind of sex or romantic scandal. Something was going on but much like everything else with this man, it was hard to tell what exactly. “Okay don’t tell anyone I said this.” Yoongi almost whispered now leaning in. “But we have a possible drug bust…thanks to our new mayor, we’ve been getting orders left and right to fish out dens.” He stopped himself for a moment letting a trainee walk past them before speaking again. “The one we’re looking at tonight—few of us suspect that it could belong to Jeon.”
Namjoon shifted in his seat as his heart leaped right up to his throat. Finally those words were coming out of someone else’s mouth instead him saying the same thing like a broken record. More people were seeing the truth. “Where is it?”
Yoongi gave him a warning look now. “Joon…”
“Come on, I’m not gonna follow you.”
“Yeah but this is still a secret bust, alright? Even some of the seniors don’t know about it.” His eyes flickered over to the sides where the older officers were sipping coffee at their desks looking at their computer. About two of them actually reading cases while others watching porn. “The mayor wants a full clean-up.” Yoongi whispered again. “And I mean—full.”
“Meaning…” He pointed to his desk but referred to the whole precinct and Yoongi nodded.
“All our jobs are on the line.” He muttered. “Even the captain…but—this could help us be on the mayor’s good side since they’re trusting us already.”
A light hint of excitement tingled down his spine knowing there was a lead now. While Namjoon would have wanted to accompany the team, the older male had the right idea. The captain did not trust him in this mission. He needed to be subtle if he was ever going to feel the satisfaction of seeing Jeon Jungkook behind bars.
-
Golden rays peeked through the curtains as Belle walked to the vanity with nothing but a crème silk slip and a white robe over top.
The couple along with Taehyung were invited to the Sangria House to celebrate their new business partnership. Apparently the best angels would be readied for their entertainment in the night. Something Belle was not sure she was going to enjoy.
Either way it was always good to look as presentable as possible. The dress code stated that white, red, lavender or gold were not allowed in the establishment for obvious reasons Belle understood now. So with the thought in mind she opted for a deep green velvet dress, a slit for one of her thighs to peek through and one loose strap sleeve that hung off her shoulder smoothly.
The gorgeous dress lay neatly on the large ottoman in the center of the walk-in wardrobe while the woman curled a few undone pieces of her hair.
Deep peach lips and a simple terracotta shaded eye look, Belle briskly made her way downstairs to see how Taehyung was doing with getting ready.
Her older brother had been extremely reluctant in coming to the event but she suggested it would be good to do something other than sitting around. Maybe getting his mind off of any messiness even for a few hours. Still hesitant he silently agreed but Belle had a nagging feeling he was still napping.
Down the stairs as her curls bounced a little in the process, Nana smiled and rushed over to her.
“He’s fine, mistress.” She quickly reassured as they both stopped near the entrance archway.
Belle let out light sigh before chuckling, head lowered for a moment. “Is the suit okay?”
“Very handsome.” She nodded in acknowledgement. “You should be dressed too.”
The younger female hummed before hearing a few voices back and forth as if in argument. Brows furrowed, Belle walked to the other side of the mansion where the second living room was while Nana continued on with her work.
The area was empty but she still heard angered voices coming from the left room. The second living room led two areas. It had a similar design to the first one except instead of a bar, there was another fireplace. Past the couches in the center led to an open archway towards the kitchen on the right while the left was closed; Jungkooks’ home office.
Curiosity and slight concern seeping through her entire body, Belle walked towards the door which in mere minutes opened harshly. A clear air of smoke flowed out into the second living room touching her nostrils and making her wince.
The once angry looking men immediately stopped in their tracks for a moment before waving off the smoke and bowing. “Excuse us, mistress.” One of the older ones acknowledged as they took turns walking past her to the exit. Jongho and another guard led them properly to the door but the womans’ gaze was more on the figure sitting at the chair, rubbing his face.
Entering the office, she closed the door behind her.
His slightly reddened eyes flickered to meet her gaze before lowering his head. “Belle—” Jungkook sniffled, fingers running through messy hair. White shirt a little crumpled, almost half unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It became a usual sight for the man ever since this new election. “Sorry…I don’t usually yell.” He sighed attempting to messily fix up the papers.
Staying silent, feet padded closer to the table and gently took the paperwork in her hands, stacking them neatly with a tap on the edge before placing them back on the surface. “I know. You haven’t slept.”
“Park Chul clearly isn’t planning on sleeping.” Jungkook almost seethed just mentioning the mayors’ name.
Belle moved to stand behind him, hands on his shoulders lightly squeezed the knotted muscles. “That doesn’t mean you stop taking care of yourself.”
He let out a drawling hum, throwing his head back. “You can take care of me.” A soft smile tugged at his lips as her vanilla scented perfume graced his nostrils. For hours Jungkook had been forced to tolerate the tobacco, weed and alcohol, it felt nice to have someone pleasant around him again.
“What if I’m not here?” Another million dollar question that silenced them both for a few minutes. Even the woman grew uncomfortable at how heavy those words were. Their deal was perfect. But what about twenty years from now? Fifty years? What if Jungkook being married didn’t matter anymore?
“You’ll always be here…won’t you?” He stared up at her.
Belle stopped massaging him at this point, mind crowding with unwanted thoughts and unanswered questions. Too much to think about in such little time. “I made a promise.” She smiled. “I’m gonna keep it.” Seemed the best reply in the pile of things she truly wanted to say to him except there was no time to worry themselves over delicate details.
Jungkook chuckled a little under his breath as the vanilla scented goddess now moved to sit on the table in front of him. “Shouldn’t you be dressed by now?”
“I could ask you the same question, Mr. Jeon.” Her eyes flickered up and down his body.
Fingers accidentally pushed her robe aside to let those soft thighs peek out in display, the feeling of it under his pads allowed for a sense of relief to wash any stress down. All she had to do was sit here and Jungkook felt instantly revived. Even the scent of alcohol and tobacco faded away with her presence bringing him nothing but light bliss. “I like this outfit.” He smirked, hand tracing down her leg so it sat on the arm rest, slightly caging him in much to his pleasure.
Belle smiled placing her other leg on the left arm rest giving him a small peek of her satin black panties. “Do you want me to wear this outfit?” She purposely softened her voice.
The sweet sound tingled down his spine, head turning to kiss the inside of her thigh.
Eyes closed feeling each kiss lurking closer to the thin barrier hiding the womans’ core. Leaning back a little, she buried her fingers gently in his thick hair. Grip tightened when Jungkooks’ lips finally pressed against her panties. “We don’t have time for that.” She spoke breathlessly.
“We’ll make time.” His voice rasped.
She felt her panties being pushed to the side, exposing her core to his hot breath before his tongue licked a stripe up from her slit to her little nub. Legs jerked a little almost locking her thighs together but one of his hands kept one of them still. Tongue lapped on her throbbing clit making it hard to keep herself steady without knocking over the desktop computer behind her; light moans melted out of her like a long unsung melody. A little hesitant but she had to sing it regardless. “Dai—”
Her voice made his heart flutter immediately concealed with a light groan that vibrated against her core. Lips wrapped around the sweet bundle of sensitivity and suckled, relishing in the feeling her plump thighs pressing against his ears.
Belle almost lost her balance as she pushed the keyboard away to the side. The familiar warmth constricted around her lower belly now welcomed itself, moans fading into desperate whimpers to reach her orgasm.
Feeling her hips jerk against his mouth, Jungkook breathed out through his nose not leaving a single break as he pushed her to her release. Clit throbbing between his lips, he shook his head.
The rough pressure torturing her bud as she drowned in the warm explosion seeping through every vein, body trembled in bliss. When Belle felt his tongue still moving causing her to jump a little from the sensivity as she pushed his face away softly. “No more.” She giggled, still trying to catch her breath.
Jungkook kissed it once more with a cheeky smile before standing up.
She wiped off the glisten on his chin with the fabric of her robe and pressed a light kiss on his lips. “What about you?” Her hands pulling at his belt but he held onto them.
“It’s okay.” He whispered, giving her a reassuring smile. “I just needed a little treat.”
Belle slapped his chest softly not able to get rid of the blissful smile gracing her features. “We should get dressed now.” She muttered even though their hands were still slowly caressing each other.
“We should.” Jungkook pushed away the loose curl over her eye.
Whether it was the ecstasy still flowing through her or a genuine feeling from within, the woman found herself in complete comfort under his touch. Maybe something more than just sexual attraction. Not that it could ever be anyway, there was no real use in true feelings for something false. Despite the thought in mind Belle smiled up at her clever captor turned fiancée and felt tingles run down her spine at a mere kiss on her cheek.
-
Sangria House reeked of luxury from its royal purple and gold tapestries, crystal lamps with warm lighting, scent of wine mixed into vanilla while the inside adorned with colorful angels entertaining their patrons. Since the house colors were not allowed to be worn by visitors, many of them opted for the classic black which made Belles’ deep green velvet dress stand out a lot more than she expected.
Arm hooked onto Jungkooks’ while Taehyung walked with them on her left, the three were welcomed by an angel with white attire. She bowed, smile gracing her features before leading them past the main lobby of entertainment where a few angels in white played instruments on the small stage.
Upon observing, a lot of the members in the lobby only wore white while some red ones sat in a few corners.
Belle assumed the higher ranking ones would have more private sessions or maybe there were certain times where each angel arrived. So many things still left unanswered for the workings of the Sangria House but it did not change the fact, it was a quick profit hungry establishment exploiting vulnerable young people who were desperate for a living.
The young angel slid open a door to an empty private room. Table full of light snacks and three cushions for them to sit on. “Mistress Angel and Master Jimin will see you shortly.” She bowed again until her knees touched the floor waiting for them to enter the room so she could leave respectfully.
Jungkook sat in the middle while Belle and Taehyung took each side waiting patiently in a small period of silence.
“Was bringing me to a brothel really necessary?” He glared more at Jungkook even though Belle was the one who received the invitation and accepted it for the business deal.
“If it were the brothel, I would’ve been groped at least a good three times by now.” The woman replied simply knowing this establishment in particular had extremely strict rules and a different crowd of clients.
The comment silenced her brother almost instantly.
Mere minutes passed and the door slid open again bursting with bright colors. A woman with long brown hair wearing a gold georgette dress with a matching overcoat giving her the look of royalty. In a similar fashion, a grey haired male stood beside her wearing a similar design except silk lavender. Walking closer to the table, they both bowed down to their patrons adorning those award winning smiles.
Taehyung felt like something clipped his tongue when saw the angels. The ones in white were pretty but this house owner had some real gems hidden under his sleeve. Especially the lady in gold who perched herself next to him, smiling like a princess from a fairytale that the man seemed rude smile a little back.
“Welcome to the Sangria House. On behalf of Mr. Kim, we’d like to thank you for accepting this momentous partnership, Madame Belle.” She smiled at her and gave a little bow of acknowledgement. “Jimin and I will be your hosts for this evening.”
Jungkook smiled kindly and the chatting began quite smoothly since the angels were extremely talented in holding an air of entertainment. Especially these ones. Getting a lavender and a gold coated angel were not regular feats and only done if the patron was an important one to impress. The last time he saw two of these angels together in one room was when he was first anointed leader of the Cartel but it was all paid by his father and mother. Belle checked that box without any aid. He would be jealous but a jolt of pride burst through him without knowing.
“Your name is Angel?” Taehyung asked, expression softened so much he could resemble a cloud.
Angel giggled under her breath while serving his tea. “It’s a little strange.” She placed the teapot down glancing over at Jimin who was chatting along with Belle while Jungkook listened to her. “We were called faeries before but—Mr. Kim changed it after I was given the gold coat.” She gestured to her outfit.
Taehyungs’ brows furrowed looking down at her dress hoping the princess would explain why the change in her outfit was so important. Instead the criminal sitting in the middle began speaking.
“When an angel is given the gold coat, it signifies that she’s take—” Jungkook cleared his throat. “Apologies…she’s married.”
The princess nodded with a reassuring smile.
“Married.” Taehyung breathed out, feeling like a grey cloud engulfed him into a cold hug. Of all the things…of all the angels he had to melt in front of the one who was married.
Belles’ smile disappeared hearing Jungkooks’ correction. The smallest tiniest detail managed to snap a nerve that had been long hidden with her own pride and stubborn strength. He was wrong. Angel was taken. No real, true spouse would continue to let their wife be used as a sensual commodity for extra cash and this gold angel definitely brought in a lot from what she learnt. No real, true husband would manipulate someone and threaten her family just to keep up a good appearance as a married elite. This was far from being married. Marriage was something else entirely and these suited pigs would not ever understand the meaning. It was a business transaction. Her body deflated a little feeling that nudge of anxiety once again bubbling up but she quickly gave Jimin a kind smile.
Jimin knew fake smiles from a mile away but it did not take an expert to realize Mr. Jeons’ comment changed something in the gorgeous designer. Though he had to admit, she was good at holding one like she had been giving conveniently fake smiles for a while. He did not know if he should be impressed or terrified. Either way it seemed the perfect to initiate the next stage of the evening that Seokjin planned out for them. He gently touched Angels’ arm to give her the signal before speaking once everything was quiet. “Mr. Kim has private sessions booked for each of you. I will be taking Madame Belle to another room and Mr. Jeon is expected in a meeting with Mr. Kim.”
It might have sounded like Jungkook was forced to work while relaxing but he never really delved into the antics of the Sangria House. When he was a bit younger and curious, he did book a red angel occasionally but now nothing really compared to what he already had. Though something he did not like was Jimin offering his hand to Belle. “You don’t have to do that.” He muttered to the woman.
“It’s okay.” Belle spoke a little coldly, accepting Jimins’ hand as they walked out of the room.
Another angel wearing white walked into the room to escort Jungkook to wherever he needed to go but Taehyung did not really care where. All he could focus on was the fact he could now be alone with the gold princess. “Can I ask who you’re…married to?”
Angel smiled. “No one really asks. They like keeping my truth as far away from the confines of this room to make their evening more enjoyable.”
“What if I don’t want to do that?”
“Then you’d be the first.” She took a polite sip of her tea. “Is there something in particular you wanted me to do?”
“No!” Taehyung cleared his throat, cheeks heating up. “Uh—no, I—Talking is fine. I haven’t…spoken to anyone new in a long time.” He chuckled mostly to himself. Most of the friends he had left him in the dust the more he found his comfort in other things. He talked to Hoseok a lot but only when a transaction was involved, the nurses were anything but just highly paid nannies and Belle had a life of her own to lead. Sitting in this room now with the soft-spoken princess, he quickly felt how lonely he truly was.
“Am I doing a good job?” She giggled seeing the little sags under his eyes that resembled she saw in the mirror this morning.
He nodded without hesitation. Her mere presence seemed to bring a warmth in his belly, reassuring him that he was not lonely. That everything was okay even just for a moment.
-
The room Belle was escorted into had a similar structure to the previous one except instead of plain walls, there were cherry blossom designs giving the area a subtle pinkish hue. She walked inside and sat down on the cushion this time sitting in the middle while Jimin perched himself on the other side so they faced each other. “So…why the private session?”
Jimins’ eyes flickered up to the female while he served the tea before smiling. “Mr. Kim wanted each of you to fully enjoy the services we can provide.”
Her heart bounced a little at his words. “Ser—Services?” She breathed out a small chuckle. “What kind of services?”
The lavender adorned male could not help but giggle at her adorable reaction. “Don’t worry. I won’t do anything unless you ask me to.”
“What if you don’t want to do what I ask?” Belle tilted her head. Not on her life would she ask Jimin or anyone to do anything disgusting for her own benefit but she was curious just how put together this establishment actually was.
He smiled. “It is my job to make you happy, Madame Belle.”
Clearly not that put together. “It would make me happy if you just called me Belle. ‘Madame’ is only used for senior designers.”
Jimin bowed. “Apologies—Belle. I looked at the designs you sent in for the House…you could be a senior designer if you wanted.”
Belle giggled lightly trying not to look too proud of herself since as Jimin said, it was his job to make her happy. “Thank you. Let me know if you want me to change anything.”
“That’s not really my decision but I think it’s perfect just the way it is.” He shrugged. A small moment of comfortable silence passed through them before Jimin spoke again with a careful thought. “Forgive me for asking, Belle…but–I saw you were very upset hearing Mr. Jeons’ comment.” Every word sounded so carefully calculated Belle wished she could speak like that in front of strangers. “Part of the responsibilities in Sangria House is to detect signs of…domestic disturbances. Our patrons tend be loose tongued which helps us find out if there is anyone who needs help getting away from something like that.”
“Oh—” She tried her best to hide how much her heart almost cracked her ribcages when it leaped in both fear and a strange excitement. “You don’t have to worry about all that.” Belle shook her head with a smile. Though a small lump still grew in her throat at how Jimin spoke his concerns despite barely knowing her. “Sangria House tracks domestic disturbances?”
Jimin nodded, smile softly adorning his ethereal features. “Most of our angels are from toxic environments.” He took a breath to say something as he glanced behind him. Then he leaned in with a smaller voice. “Angel…the golden lady used to be the mistress of a powerful club owner. I—I was the one who found the signs after a private session.”
Belle swallowed down the painful lump. “Who did she marry then?”
He sighed. “Since the man was so influential, he wouldn’t just let anyone marry her.” Jimin shook his head. “So—Mr. Kim offered his hand. Well…Angel trained five times as intense compared to the other angels so her status as a gold member would be valid.”
What little hope Belle had of the Sangria House being somewhere of help quickly dwindled down back to her original opinion. Angel moved from one controlling person to another. Maybe Seokjin was not an abuser of any sort but it did not change the fact she became a commodity just so she could be free from abuse. A ‘better’ life but did that make it a good life?
Though Jimin looked quite convinced that this was a righteous path for the House.
He could not exactly be miserable about it like she was since he had to actually live through all these routines and schemes.
Same way Belle couldn’t be upset about her deal with Jungkook otherwise it could make her insane with misery. Every time the small hint of reality hit her, she felt like her whole body was drowning in it all. Something so wrong damaged the entire structure of her future. If soulmates existed Belles’ would be left waiting or they would run to someone else they were not truly meant for.
“I’m sorry…I was supposed to entertain you, not make you feel awful.” Jimin chuckled nervously, shifting in his seat.
“No, no—” She shook her head smiling at him more genuinely this time. Her hand unintentionally slid closer to his as a way to comfort the angel. “Please, I—like talking about these things sometimes. It feels—real.” Her genuine smile faded into something a little sad but it still rang with truth. “I need a lot of real in my life right now.”
Jimin hummed in acknowledgement, one of his fingers lightly tapping against her hand. “Well if you ever want to visit again this House will always be open to you.”
Regardless of what she thought about this place, that was the first time anyone ever gave her words of comfort since the ‘engagement’. “Thank you, Jimin.”
-
“We’ve been in casual dealings for a long time now, Mr. Jeon.” Seokjin walked towards his desk after bringing out a wooden box from his shelf and placing it on the dark wooden surface. The lighting in the office had been a lot more dim with rarely any heavy decorations save for a few plants. This place clearly was only meant for business. “But I feel this new project may be able to solidify a stronger partnership between the two of our entities.” He tapped the closed box.
Jungkook sat on the chair in front of the desk, eyes fixated on the box before flickering up to the older male. “We don’t—share the same supplies, I’m afraid, Mr. Kim.” He shook his head a smirk lightly playing on his lips.
Seokjin chuckled settling down on the chair. He flicked the gold latches on the box and pushed the lid open before sliding it towards the young lord. “I believe you do share a similar interest for this kind of product.”
Giving the house owner a look of apprehension, he slowly leaned in and peeked into the box where he saw an indigo shaded stick almost resembling a cinnamon stick. On the left was a small bag of the same colored powder and then a liquid version in a vial. “What is this supposed to be?”
“There isn’t a name for it yet.” He shrugged. “But from I’ve asked a few of my white coats to try this product out and see the effects.”
Jungkook picked up the liquified version to examine it closer, little pink glitters seemed to shine through in the light making it look like some potion from the ancient times. “And? What were the results?”
“At first the usual, loss of inhibition maybe a little sense—then…we have increased sex drive, high performance and concentration ability, pain relief and for some people, a serious case of the giggles.” Seokjin rested his elbows on the table with his fingers intertwined with one another.
“Side effects?” He met the older males’ gaze, placing the vial back in the box.
“Didn’t think you were kind of man to worry about that.” He smirked.
“I didn’t get this kind of success by selling bad drugs, Seokjin.” Jungkook smiled with a slight bitter hint.
Seokjin sighed before nodding. “Of course—unfortunately, this drug is new and not exactly made by creators of your Cartels’ stature. Side effects included heavy addiction, loss of coordination, extreme mood swings, excessive coughing with blood traces, insomnia, sensitivity to light and cold and nightmares.”
“So nothing then?” He joked, raising a brow. “It’s going to take work to ensure at least lessening those side effects by half.”
“I take it that’s a yes on the partnership.” The corner of his lip twitched up a little.
Many club owners usually turned to him and his manufacturers for new and improved drugs that surpassed the traditional ones. Though in Jungkooks’ opinion, the originals always sold the most because they were effective for years. Except brothel or teahouse owners never really dabbled into the interest of his line of work. “Why the interest in this new field?”
Seokjin smiled leaning back on his chair. “I’m a businessman, Jungkook. There’s no field I don’t want to get into. It has been an interest of mine for years since many herbs and substances have yet to be discovered. Don’t you ever wonder if there was something out there in the world that could bring you more profit…more glory than your predecessor?”
Jungkook sat silent as the question lingered in the air for a few moments. Being so young and handed the cartel without his fathers’ death caused a disagreement amongst many associates. Despite the fear harbored by whoever crossed his path, the young man was always on the path to better himself in proving that he was the most capable and most influential. There was no room to be soft or complacent in this business.
“Also the lack of knowledge for this product may prevent any…mishaps from our new beloved mayor.”
Those clever words made his ears prick up quicker than he liked. A substance with similar effects to the originals but the look of none of them. If they succeed in perfecting it then maybe it would make being discreet that much easier. “I’ll talk about it with my manufacturers.” He spoke trying to be as emotionless as possible. But the prospect of his vulnerable mess of a cartel getting some security was soothing.
-
The sessions and a productive meeting flowed through deep into the dark night until the three were escorted back to their car.
Belle kept her eyes out on the window feeling a light emptiness gut after an angel walked into the room and told their session came to an end. Perhaps it was Jimins’ immense talent in luring his patrons. Whatever it was she had no interest in talking to the men in the car. She felt like her whole being was ripped apart, now she needed a few moments of deep silence to stitch herself back up.
Truthfully the girl did not say anything too detailed to the lavender angel but she never needed to. Somehow he had the talent of seeing her story with a few hints. That alone made her even more reluctant to uttering a single word to her brother or her makeshift fiancée.
Jungkook peeked from the rearview mirror at the woman looking out the window wondering what happened in the private session. Even as they met again in the lobby, Belle had a cold sheet over her to a point where he could feel the chill.
-
When they arrived to the mansion, Taehyung shyly suggested that they should visit the house more often which Belle agreed to with a slightly exhausted smile.
“You looked beautiful tonight.” Jungkook commented watching Belle take off her earrings and necklace, placing them in a black box.
“Thank you.” She replied under her breath, unpinning some parts of her hair relieving the light headache that ensued. Stop acting miserable, Belle told herself. It would only make it worse—her chest could not clench all her life. Her gaze still focused on the vanity, she pushed all her curls over her shoulder. “Could you unzip me?” Belle asked coyly. The woman had all capabilities of unzipping her own dress.
Shrugging the soft shirt off his shoulders, Jungkook padded towards the beauty and stood behind her. Eyes flickered to her reflection in the mirror watching her glow in the golden lights of the vanity. Hands carefully held onto the zip and pulled down tantalizing slow, wanting to stand this close to her as long as possible. The scent of her perfume blessed his nostrils, he had to lean down and nudge his nose against her hair.
Belle couldn’t help but close her eyes, chest rising and falling. This isn’t real. This isn’t real. Why did something fake feel so good then? His slightly rough fingers sneaking through the slit of her unzipped dress tracing up her back making her shiver a little. She shrugged off the one sleeve keeping her clothing hanging, nipples now peeking out from the green velvet.
Jungkook kept his gaze on the reflection as his hand reached out to push down the fabric so her gorgeous breasts could be full display. Fingers brushed up her chest before wrapping around her neck and turning her head up, lips devouring hers. Tongue pushed through her teeth not wasting any time exploring every corner of her mouth.
She sneaked through the slit of her dress and rolled her panties down to her thighs. Sneaking her hand behind her, Belle palmed the tightening bulge in his pants feeling him groan into her mouth which only made her moan back. Nothing fake should ever feel this good.
Losing all his sense and patience, he pulled her dress to see her beautiful ass in bare display as she bent over slightly on the table. Jungkook unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants down watching Belle cheekily sway that gorgeous peach. No one should be this irresistible. One little tiny move from the woman had his head floating in the clouds. Nails dug into her skin, fingers wrapping around his cock before teasing her slit.
As much as Belle loved his tongue, feeling his hardened tip had her body tingling for more. Heated arousal leaked out of her awaiting core while she pressed her ass against his member silently asking to hurry.
“Did Jimin see this?” He slapped his cock against one ass cheek making the woman hum.
She shook her head looking at him through the mirror. “Only you.” Voice came in a whisper that leaked of a little desperation.
“Only me.” Jungkook muttered, giving her an almost borderline sinister smirk. Hands grabbed at her hips as he stuffed his cock into her pussy without a single warning.
Belle lightly groaned under her breath, nails scratching against the surface of the table. Her wet core swallowed his entire member with a light ache but it quickly faded into a warm filling that she craved for too long.
“Say it again.” He demanded.
She glanced over her shoulder for a second trying to hide the small smile tugging at her lips. “Only you.” A harsh thrust from behind had Belle’s body trembling in the best way possible.
“Again.” His voice grew breathless, each thrust snapping with rough need.
“Only you.” Belle moaned out feeling the tip of his cock rubbing against the sweet spot. Arms around her body, chest pressing against her back making his shaft hit deeper and slower pushing through his deprived orgasm. “Only—” She gasped when she felt her sensitive spot get tortured, her legs momentarily losing balance from the sensation.
“Fuck, baby—” He cursed in a breathy mumble, face buried in her hair as his orgasm raced closer.
“Master Jeon!” A yell echoed upstairs but Jungkook merely groaned at the horrible timing.
Pushing Belle down further, he rammed into her like an animal. All the makeup and skincare products stumbled and fell over the shaking table.
“Master Jeon!”
Each time the yell echoed, his thrusts grew more vicious. Her skin burned from the friction against the table surface while her limbs lost all ability to have any control of their own. Belle still could not control the small smile on her face. The feeling of her body completely submitting to the beast fucking her from behind brought a new rush of adrenaline.
Jungkook grabbed onto a chunk of her hair relishing in her little moans being drowned out by the impact against the contents of the table.
Loud knocking on their bedroom door interrupted their heated air for a second.
“Baby, don’t stop please…” Belle whimpered feeling her release reach tipping point.
That nickname again made his thrusts sloppy as the warm heaviness in his lower belly reached its uncontrollable, quickly pulling out of her. Juice spluttered all over her ass and back making her look like a sinful piece of art.
Her legs felt like pure jelly as the jolt of overwhelming pleasure clouded every other thought ever constructed in her mind. When she almost stumbled, Jungkook held her gently.
“Master Jeon! It’s an emergency!”
Jungkook groaned under her breath.
“It’s okay, go.” She whispered patting his arm.
Reluctantly letting go of the beauty and zipping himself back up, he stomped towards the door and almost pulled it off its hinges. Much to his increased frustration one of his sweaty associates stood on the other side of the door. “What could possibly be so important that you had to disturb my private time?” He glanced back at the walk-in wardrobe to see Belle completely getting rid of her clothing.
“S-sir the—” He stammered giving Jungkook the urge to strangle him right there and then.
“Speak or I cut your throat.”
“The den, sir.” He shivered. “One of our dens...police did a raid, we lost of our twenty percent supplies…sir.”
Jungkook narrowed his gaze at the older male feeling the deep warm bliss now cut through by his harsh reality. They actually fucking did it. Ever since that scandal, not a single soul in the police force dared to take them down but now suddenly someone decided to play hero in front of this new mayor. “You’re the one who supposed to keep the den under guard.”
The male gulped down hard. “I—I had to get out of there.”
“You should’ve died with it.”
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“Sorry…” God he fucking hated that word. What did it ever solve? Jungkook nodded, rubbing the back of his neck walking over to the study table. Pulling out his gun he pointed it at the mans’ left leg and took a shot. Then another on his right leg.
He limped down screaming in agony while the drug lord merely stared him down in disgust.
“Jungkook!” Belle called out, heart jumping to her throat at the sound of gunshots. Her body now adorned a thick robe which she hugged close to herself. He looked back over his shoulder to meet her gaze, eyes reddened once again with anger and maybe a hint of distress. “Don’t…”
His entire body wanted to melt into hers for the rest of the night. Maybe it would make him forget all his problems for a while but he couldn’t. The mayor worked day and night trying to get one step ahead of him and now they were. Jungkook couldn’t let this happen. He had to send a message. A damn good one. “Go to sleep, okay? Close your ears if you have to.” He whispered.
Belle took a breath to say something but nothing came out so she sucked in her bottom lip, watching him close the door so all she could do was hear it all. The man screamed, sounds something crashing and choking. Feet backed away until her body plopped down sitting on the edge of the bed. This was his job, she knew that. But it all went back to what Jungkook was truly capable of. Why taking his deals were so important. Every sound reminded Belle of how it could be Taehyung going through the same fate. Maybe one day when the drug-lord grew tired of the same face, she would be on her knees allowing him to seal her fate just as he took control of it.
So she took his advice and pressed her hands against her ears tightly hoping to block the reality she was trying so hard to suppress.
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