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cawcawbeech · 21 days

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SIX OF CROWS AND KISSING !!

(Welcome to this silly but intricate guide nobody asked for)

Just so everybody knows and is fully aware, I literally never kissed anybody in my whole damn life. I dont much care to try (for now) unless your name is Amita fucking Suman (jkjk, or not), but that doesnt mean I didnt do some very extensive research on the topic just so I can write what are hopefully non-generic scenes where all of my favorite characters make out till the following sunrise without a single other thought plaguing their empty little minds (exception being if the said thought is used to deepen 'the plot').

Before I say much else, I would like to note that THIS is just a very detailed bullet point list on kissing for all of my boys and girls separate of their partners assigned to them in canon or by the fandom. We will get to how it would actually go in different scenarios with different ships a bit later on if I decide it wont be a waste of my time. PS: No, not every kiss / kisser has to be extraordinary or unique or have whatever traits I ended up slapping on these characters here, Im just extra like that. And its not like anybody can stop me. Deal with it and simply enjoy (whatever this may be)!

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JESPER LLEWELLYN FAHEY

Jesper has had his fair share of practice in this particular field, we all know it. That is no reason to say that he is a perfect kisser, there are many who have done way more, constantly brag about it, and yet still leave you disappointed. But, this is Jesper we are talking about. Kuwei has said that he is a great kisser too, I choose to trust him on that. That joke he made to cheer up Wylan at Olendaal, the one about kissing Nina / Matthias 'with tongue', it doesnt have to mean anything, but I like to think he is a tongue kind of guy. I also like to think that he is adaptable to any type of person though, he aims to please through-and-through. It saddens me to look deeper, to think about how that may be a result of his low self-esteem, but in moments like these, it makes him happy most of the time, and it is all I could hope for when it comes to my boy.

The first relationship he had been a witness to, the one his mother and father shared before her death, had been a very healthy one. I wouldnt call Colm the perfect father, certainly not after his wife was gone, albeit he is significantly better compared to the hands the rest of our favourite characters have been dealth with, but he was good to Aditi. Most kids, including myself, were the type to be grossed out by PDA, especially when its between their parents, and while thats not in any way a bad thing, we can clearly see that Jesper was not of that type.

Despite his many faults, he was raised fairly well. He knows how to make a comfortable environment, to recognize a clear invitation, what to ask and what not to ask, what is acceptable and what he shouldnt do without a more in-depth discussion. He knows how to create and opportunity where one could deny him if they so wished. I wouldnt say its some overly high bar to jump over, if anything it is the most basic standard any and all should hold themselves to, but I call Jesper 'the consent king' for a reason.

Its said in the book that his mind empties when he kisses the right person, that thinking of methaphors clearly means something is wrong, but hes still pretty descriptive in his POVs if you ask me. Its also very clear that he likes to kiss deep, slow, and involve other sensations throughout which is the part where Id like to include some of my very own hcs (slight temperature / texture play where he drags his rings over skin, hair pulling is a given but I can see him also liking to touch peoples ears a lot, talking in between and whispering during the few subtly initiated pauses, etc). Jespers favourite type of kiss would probably be those he iniciates as soon as he wakes up in the morning. It rains often in Ketterdam, its normal, so he would also probably be one of the rare creatures among the regular Kerch citizens who finds kissing in the rain romantic.

KAZ BREKKER (RIETVELD)

Kaz will have to go through some major healing first, no doubts about that, but Id say he would probably be one of the elite members of the 'Im keeping my eyes open for this' club (until he isnt). I doubt he does much analyzing during, mentally he is on another planet thats probably many lightyears away as he tends to do with a lot of other even remotely intimate things, but theres lots of squinting, eyelid fluttering... Kaz is basically a personafication of that cliche 'when did I close them' quote. In my own experience, I can barely hold eye contact when talking, but I dont really see this as a bad trait. I also dont see it as a trauma response either like some would assume it would be for Kaz, I think its just a him thing. If this man didnt want to kiss somebody, you would not be kissing him, end of.

He likes to focus on teeth, whether by unconsciously (or consciously) biting his partner, having your teeth bump into each other, or licking his own after youre done. Theres lots of shuddering, youll feel him there more than youll hear him, but he is not completely silent either. I dont think he would like beeing cornered, picked up or lifted in any way except on very rare occasions. Just like the pulse thing where he feels for it on the wrist (or neck once he is more comfortable), feeling his weight including the pain of his leg serves to ground him. Perhaps he might also like feeling of you breathing through your nose on his face for the same reasons? He doesnt like leaving things unfinished, even if its just a peck, he will make sure it feels 'complete', I dont know how else to put it. If anybody could overuse the words "Again?", it would be Kaz motherfucking Brekker.

Im in no way saying he will be good, in fact, theres lots of traits here that many wouldnt like, but he tries when he wants to (and again, you would not be kissing this man if he didnt want it), he will learn and he will remember the smallest of details (so that he can ponder over them later). The only thing we hear about Kazs appearance related to his mouth is that there is a scar running through his upper lip. I never got it when people talked about kisses having a taste, but Kaz seems to often call people light-weight, so clearly, he handles his alcohol well, perhaps having developed such a habit to settle down his own supposedly non-existent nerves. It might not be the main reason, we heard about him being on the receiving end of many fights that in certain circumstances and with the ways they are handled lead to similar results, but liquor does leave one dehydrated and with chapped lips.

WYLAN VAN ECK (HENDRIKS)

Unless he is particulary fired up, Wylan likes to start slow and chaste no matter if you are the first, the thousanth person he has kissed or just a person he has kissed a thousand times. Unlike Kaz, he has some experience, sheltered kids know how to have fun in secret (and Im the last person who would ignore that 'lie' about him being kicked out for bedding the tutor, theres some truth to everything), but he is also nowhere near the level of Jesper or Nina or Matthias. We know he likes when his partner feels calm and like they are actually in their body before he goes in for the kill, we saw it with Jesper, but we also see that he isnt the type who needs to ask every time and will just do it when 'the time feels right'. Look out, he just might squeeze into your shirt while youre wearing it and do a makeshift 'surprise attack' from there if he is determined enough for it.

From that, we could say he might have some other habits, including but not limited to the familiar one of guiding his partner through breathing patterns. Maybe sometimes he likes to hold onto your forearms more tightly than necessary (not forcefully though), have your knees touch and bump into one another, straighten his own / your items of clothing, compare hand sizes while making weirdly-intense eye contact, use his thumb to subtly rub at a random tensed muscle, touch foreheads if he is tall enough or rub his face along the side of your neck, anything that would focus your attention to him and the moment... Ironically, as a follow up to the last point and as the kiss drags on, he forgets that he is an actual person who has a weight to them and has to lean back against something with the help of his partner before he falls down and cracks his goddamn skull open.

He likes to leave an effect on whoever he is kissing, but he also likes to 'clean up after himself' as much as possible after its done, which once again serves to bring both of you back down. So yeah, he would probably do something like twirling a stay peace of hair around his finger before neatly tucking it back in place, running that same finger across a brow, down the nose or along the jawline, nudging you playfully with his shoulder, hips or elbows, swaying a bit to slowly return the atmosphere back to relaxed as he secretely links your pinky fingers together. Lips would be his main focus, and he especially likes the soothing effect it has when he is sleepy, but he could also grow to like eyelid, nose, tummy or thigh kisses when it comes to placement.

INEJ GHAFA

Inej has had many men kiss her throughout her life, and unfortunately, theres no need to debate whether she truly enjoyed any of them. Oh how I would love to say that every shitty person is also shit at every other skill they try to master, however, that doesnt have to be the case. The fact that she was a brothel girl doesnt have to mean all of her kisses were bad (to specify, that refers to the technique). That being said, I think she would appreciate the message more than the way its done. It also might result in her not exactly caring about the placement of a kiss, palm, knuckles, hair, cheek, neck, lips, any of them would be equally as intimate to her, platonic or otherwise. Its somewhat similar to what Wylan also likes, but very different too once you look further.

As is with Kaz, you would not be kissing the Inej we know now unless she didnt want you to. I probably should have said this earlier, no, I dont mean that any of the other Crows would enjoy a kiss that was not what they wanted, they wouldnt ignore the signs and will fight the person off if needed, but I hope you understand why Im emphasizing it for these two in particular. I think her kisses would be short, but sweet, a petite little package that can deliver a punch under a right set of conditions, just like she can, the same going for her ship. Physically, we know her lips have an upturn to their shape. As is true with alcohol, salt water has the same drying effect that is only made worse by licking.

One other feature that might make Inejs kisses unique is a possibility of her aquiring more jewellery during her travels. I always imagined that the Suli find piercings to be very meaningful. Perhaps she had some since a very young age, perhaps they were taken from her too during her time at the Menagerie, maybe the holes closed naturally over the long months, maybe she got more whilst working for Kaz, and although it was not put there for such a reason, a lip ring (just as an example) has quite a pleasing effect for either side.

She holds a special appreciation for people who remember their first kiss, or at least remember their first kiss with her, a courtesy she will offer in return as well. It takes special kind of brave to get close (she knows better than most) and never lets the feat of overcoming fear go unappreciated. For some reason, I can see her counting the seconds, not for any reason at all. I wouldnt say its something particulary good nor bad, but Inej doesnt give me the 'let me kiss your words away' signals no matter the situation. The phrases that would fit more would be "We will get through this", "Stay strong, for you", "Lets face it together" or "We shall see each other once more". She seems like the type to keep her affairs secret, but at the end of the day, I also dont think she would mind PDA all that much.

KUWEI YUL-BO

I know the fandom likes to joke that Kuwei is the bad kisser between the two, seeing as to how Jesper was left 'disappointed' even before knowing the truth behind who he was actually kissing... But I dont think that had to do much with the kiss itself. We were told that Jesper liked Kuweis body plenty enough, but even if it were really Wylan (both in shape and spirit), Jesper wasnt in the right space, and Kuweis silence and mannerisms didnt do much to help.

Now, this is a personal headcanon, but one of the habits I think he might pick up in the Little Palace would be scratching his nose or covering his mouth before he goes in for a kiss. Or well, I like to imagine that being his tell among all the snarky comebacks, vicious flirting and sly glances. And seeing as to how playful he is with his powers and how much he grows to use them for mischief and otherwise in KOS, I like to think that his face is always warm to the touch as Kuwei himself is constantly touching it. Random instert, this man unironically likes lemons and you will without a doubt taste quite an assortment of teas while with him.

Some people care about the emotional setting, some like keeping it casual, and some like having that perfect mix of both. Kuwei might acknowledge that in different ways and act accordingly, but I also think he might care more about the physical setting and connect good actions with places rather than specific people or mutual feelings. This man is a certified tease, unless you pull him towards you which is exactly what he wants, he is 100%, absolutely ready to keep a partner on the edge of their seat, kiss the corner of their mouth, or maybe with the lips barely touching. Instead of licking his own lips out of habit or to seduce, he would lick yours. Kuwei being a tease might also be a way for him to set up walls? In a sense that hes reminding both himself and the person hes kissing that this is just a kiss and it doesnt mean anything. And when hes kissed by someone he loves and trusts, hes downright pathetic, super soft and annoyingly sweet about it.

I dont know where else to put it so it will have to be here, but I like to think he chewed on his lips a lot as a child and whilst in captivity, leaving him with barely visible indents once he reached adulthood. When it comes to the type, Id say he could end up enjoying goodnight kisses next to the fireplace or lit by the flame in his own hand more than he would like doing anything in the early morning. Kuwei tends to get frustrated and bored easily so that might lead to certain effects as well, more specifically the speed, angle and desperation. He has hid for long enough and doesnt much care about who sees what, only whether they got a nice view from wherever they were standing at the time.

NINA ZENIK

Nina has practiced CPR from a very young age (I wouldnt call any of those a true kiss by any means, but it will make slightly more sense in just a moment), we see her perform one on Kaz in the books without hesitation, so I doubt her first 'kiss' was particularly enjoyable or wholly consentual or that she even remembers it. Perhaps from that, her kisses would grow to be particulary breathy in the future, although that doesnt mean its some kind of rule or that its not just a result of her personality being put into how she goes about it. We already know temple kisses are her thing among some other stuff, but she also doesnt seem to have a similar kind of bond with any other type that is not at neck level or above. Shes fine with them, but always seems to go to certain spots herself when she has a choice, singing and laughing through all of it. As Matthias tends to say a lot, the chase is a game to her, whether on top or beneath, she still wins.

Her skin is said to be soft, and supposedly so are her lips, plus the girl is a Heartrender and that surely results in many privileges. Surprisingly enough, I wouldnt say she is particularly experienced in the world of romance, even if her talent at sweet-talking might suggest otherwise. Perhaps shes had flings, one or two, maybe even a relationship at some point, but I dont see much more in my visions of her backstory. "Dont you want to play with me?" and "Cant you handle it?" are some of the repeating phrases in her vocabulary, but oh, it only gets worse once she feels well and truly romanced, swept off her feet as one might say, and that takes lots of effort. Its a good thing we know Nina has some high expectations, that way all of us can be her personal wingmen.

If anybody could obtain the famous movie achievement of leaving a string of saliva to connect her lips with her partners for just a few more moments, it would be Nina. Speaking of such things, she may also be the only one for who the 'let me kiss you against this wall so that they dont spot us' scenario might actually work (in theory), or at least give her enough time to incapacitate them during their confusion since she tends to be quite loud appearance wise. Likes being attended to and coddled, and no kiss has a chance without a firm grab or two. Will die if you do a tango dip with her in your arms. She is one of the biggest fans of mistletoes and finds it extremely romantic. Sometimes, when she is invited to watch a play or show, she will turn around and kiss her partner whenever the actors do. "Consider me madly in love. With the kisses, not you. ... But maybe also you if you did it again."

MATTHIAS BENEDIK HELVAR

And finally, we have our romantic-at-heart of the group, Matthias. Now, his and Ninas romance is the most obvious and out-in-the-open throughout the whole duology, and frankly he is the one I had the most trouble with writing, but the difference between seeing their first kiss from Ninas perspective and the one of Matthias is that theirs was his first kiss ever. All of his actions leading up to it, as well as those after, are a promise in some way or another, and Im not only talking about his vow to her. Nothing could have prepared me for when he lifted Nina straight off her feet and held her there as he kissed her, yet it was also the most in-character thing he ever could have done.

Matthias will absolutely, every time, start an hour long conversation on what led him to this moment, if it is the right time, the right place, the right everything... He will continue up until he himself is basically internally shouting at his own mouth to shut itself (he has very low patience despite everything mentioned above) or his partner takes the initiative themselves. The second option is prefered by both parties and a 5-star whine is the expected plus-one to excellent service. He is the type to gulp when you get too close. Will go mad if you can tell when he is holding on by a thread despite his lack of many facial expressions, especially if told something along the lines of "Just lose control, love".

He is particularly sensitive for textures. All humans are to some extent, the lips have more nerve endings in them than fingertips, but Matthias is the one who is fullfilled by it the most and frequently says stuff related to it like "Are you wearing chapstick?" or "I can feel the dip of your scar". Often acknowledges indirect kisses. Matthias has once said that kissing isnt about romance, that it should be proper and only done as a follow up to a conventional Fjerdan courtship, and while lots about him has changed during his canonical relationship with Nina, I think he might still enjoy going through at least some of these with somebody who might appreciate his efforts. Matthias is still highly religious even if he is now seeing the world from another perspective and there are some cultural things that for him go deeper than just tradition. In a very specific headcanon of mine, he has grown up fantasizing about having to lift up your chin to do it, and so now he does so even with taller partners who can reach his mouth just fine.

He would 100% take the 'Will you love me if I was a worm' jokes way too seriously. "How am I supposed to handle a worm? I could hold a butterfly, maybe kiss you if you were a wolf (but thats after a very extensive inspection of your molars)". Kisses the back of your neck after putting on a necklace. Pretends that lipstick stains dont turn him on to the highest setting.

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#six of crows #grishaverse #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #wylan van eck #inej ghafa #kuwei yul bo #nina zenik #matthias helvar #kisses #character analysis #*screams into the void*#hope you enjoy #feel free to share your thoughts #💚🖤🧡💜💛💙❤️#fandom ships #writers on tumblr #fanfiction

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sosoribro · 8 months

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on one hand i shouldnt compare myself to other people who draw blue beetle because hes literally just a silly blue guy and also you shouldnt compare yourself to others anyway

but on the other hand when i do i feel like a kid with crayons sitting on the cool kids table in a blue beetle cult filled with cool people where we all worship jaime reyes in the form of artwork

because ultimately its ok if im not the best at drawing him because this is how i enjoy him and we're all having fun in the cult of blue beetle

but hes literally just funny blue guy hes not even real (i know this and i love him)

#dc #blue beetle #dc comics #jaime reyes #blue beetle 2023 #cult of blue beetle #inside the mind of sosoribro #hes literally not real

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mintythecuptalks · 5 months

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vent

I fucking hate myself bro

Im not even gonna try hide it.

I hate how i sound, how I look, how i act, how I feel, how I even make friends. How i talk. Just fucking everything. I'm really trying to be that role model for you guys and I can't give up just like that, but it's making me wanna give up on my au, and just.. delete everything

I cant make anyone fucking proud and I'm not even good enough for anyone. Shit I say was never fucking said to me. I really hate myself, I hate how my body looks. I hate how it's shaped. I hate my hands. My face. My hair. My arms. My legs. My stomach. MY CHEST. EVERYTHING

Im just that little girl who craved the "attention" they gave me BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE. I WISH I NEVER FUCKING CAME ONTO THE INTERNET.

Its so hard to cry, my room hadn't been cleaned and it smells fucking bad in here because of the old food. My clothes are everywhere. My bedsheets aren't even on my bed. I finally showed i guess. My eating habits are coming back where I starved myself until I ended up in the hospital. I'm failing school I can hardly fucking sleep now. I'm vaping, I wanna start cigarettes again.

My whole world is falling apart and I haven't turned to anyone about it. Because I feel like I'll annoy them so much that they wouldn't respond fast enough. There was a few times where they'd stop replying because they were texting other people and forgot to text me and shit. Am I that fucking boring?? Am I not worthy enough to reply to?? I'm always told that I'm good to talk to while venting to and I'm lovely for that. But the bad part about that Is- no one ever fucking spoke to me the way I spoke to them. A few people have. But it was never said to me before I met them.

Im always compared to people who were hated on. Called dramatic. Now I'm wondering if what I'm feeling even fucking matters anymore. It's getting worse and i know it. I'm hardly trying to get better and i know I don't even deserve to get better.

I KNOW I WAS FUCKING YOUNG. I STILL SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SHIT I DID. I SHOULDNT FUCKING HAVE. I HURT PEOPLE. I MADE THEM RELAPSE. I MADE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. I BROKE UP FRIENDSHIPS. I SHOULD OF FUCKING KNOWN BETTER.

I SHOULD OF. IDC IF WE WERE YOUNG. I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

i hate myself so fucking much. I wish I was never born sometimes. I really fucking think i won't make it to 18 I swear. I have been thinking about that for these past 4 fucking years. I was 11 when I started thinking that.

Im not even good enough to even do anything for myself. But I always make sure my siblings are fed. I don't make them starve.

Im a burden to everyone. Everyone

Including myself

#vent post #minty speaks

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miss--river · 1 year

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at first i wasnt going to watch the new trigun because i just didnt feel the need or the want to watch it. personally i dont like how vash looks like a kid (at least to me.) im not a fan of the animation style. im also really disappointed that milly isnt in the show.

after i got done rewatching the OG anime and the movie after... idk how many years its been since i last watch it tbh. i just started googling random things i had questions about in the trigun universe that really doesnt matter. one of the search results was a reddit link to r/trigun and the title of the post is "TRIGUN STAMPEDE is TERRIBLE"

the reddit user goes on to explain why they think the show is terrible but... everything they listed as reasons for the show being terrible were things that actually happened in the OG anime. and i cant talk about this post without mentioning that this person was unironically calling OG vash 'alpha' and the new vash 'beta' and 'imposter'. their reasons were he's a cry baby, there's no way he had no bullets in his gun, he's a try hard, he's too much a spazz, ect. they said all of this AFTER stating they went back and rewatched the first episode of the original anime but its like, did they REALLY watch the first epsiode? because vash is all of those things right from the start. he screams, he freaks out, he cries, he has no bullets in his gun, he's just a complete and total dork.

honestly i could just feel the anger from this person seeping through the post as they stated that no one should watch the show and if you want to get into trigun, the reboot is not the place to start. they talk about the show as if the original was this perfect gem and to be honest, while yeah, the original show kicked ass and we all loved vash for who he is, the show wasnt perfect at all. there are even things said in the original that just wouldnt fly today, things that vash himself has said and done that would get him possibly cancelled.

after reading that post i decided that maybe i will give the reboot a watch, try it for myself. i had only seen gifs of it so far at the time of reading the post and to me the show honestly didnt seem that bad. i may not like the animation style but its perfect for such an animated person like vash. milly may not be in the show but i shouldnt let that spoil the experience. vash may look more like a child compared to how he looked in the original anime but that doesnt mean the design is bad.

so i gave the reboot a watch (8 episodes are out at the time of writing this, only 6 of them dubbed so i havent seen 7 or 8. i dont have hulu or anything so im watching on an anime website.) and im not really good at giving in depth reviews but for what the show is, i really like it. it's a different spin on things and if thats what people are upset about then thats on them. i still prefer the original anime and the things i dont like the reboot are still things i dont like but the show is still great on its own. if you're against the reboot but still want give it a try, watch it with an open mind. it's still the same vash that we know and love, he just looks different.

#Trigun #Trigun Stampede #Vash the Stampede #Trigun Stampede Spoilers #i know none of my followers will care about this so im sorry for this long rant post #if anyone wants me to put this under a read more you can just send me an ask or DM

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v4-v1 · 23 days

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There's one thing I do truly wish to understand here; why do you draw the things that can be considered pro-fiction? What do you gain out of this? Genuinely curious.

I really thought if i should answer this one since i don't wanna be too descriptive with personal stuff

But i always drew fucked up stuff, since i was 7 or so, with characters that i liked (before being in a fandom obviously) so its something i did from a young age because of the stuff that happened to me.

For a long time i wondered why i started drawing things of that kind, drawings that were even "glamourized". (I always knew those were no more than that: drawings, i was aware that stuff was wrong in the real life so you can calm down if you thought otherwise)

From some introspection that i did at 13 (bc i suddenly remembered everything with clear detail at that age for some reason) i realized i drew/draw those specific things in that way bc i wanted/want to have some control over what happened, how things could've been happen (positive or negative) and how i imagined those other people that did stuff to me might felt/feel about the situation. Closure.

Years passed and i still draw about things because i'm, well, traumatized lol but i don't feel pressed about that, i never did, i always knew something happened to me and it is how it is

So no i don't cry my eyes out while drawing fucked up things, i don't feel horny either. Is just normal in my experiencie and nowadays fun.

Today is just something that is part of how i express myself (and ppl who i know won't judge me). Because i do that stuff for myself

I guess what i gain from drawing that is autonomy and indivituality???? Im not going to let someone to tell me what i should or shouldnt draw and how should i express myself. Is liberating

But that's just me as an specific victim and artist so please don't compare me with other ppl just to say "well they are traumatized too and didn't do that", everyone have their own personal reasons and i know i'm not hurting anyone

#ask #pro ship #pro fic #< i put these tags bc i think maybe other people would feel seen with this! i hope

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aroaceconfessions · 11 months

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tw: uhm... mention about denying asexuality existence? sorry idk what its called :"( and homophobia from my parents

i remember this one time, i still didnt have any label on me btw, where like idk how it got brought up but one time i brought up to my [nurse] mom about asexuals and her immediate response was "asexuals dont exist" and i remember how it made me feel sad/disappointed like 'oh...' i shouldnt have been surprised since my parents are extremely conservative and religious people (i've heard them comment against lgbt+ more times i can count) but i didnt know why it affected me as much as it did that way. now knowing that im ace (or at the very least somewhere in the acespec), i guess maybe thats why lol. i dont know. i guess growing up in this time and age, i've grown up with this mindset like "whats so wrong if people feel attraction and love to someone that isnt the opposite gender? whats so wrong with wanting to identify with a different gender? why do people find it so wrong that there are people that dont experience romantic or sexual attraction" like, i dont see how it defies logic apart from subjective preferences? i dont know, maybe im being young and ignorant, i feel like were lucky enough that were in a progressive time where theres more acceptance compared to in the past. but the fact that its to the point where any other identity outside of heterosexuality and cisgender can be treated as if they dont exist... its pretty upsetting.

...sorry, this... probably isnt news to the lgbt+ community. its my first time entering any sort of lgbt+ space, theres probably some dos and donts i don't know about yet. i guess i just wanted to share my own thoughts? ive been questioning my sexuality and romantic attraction for some time now, and i came here in hopes of i guess solidarity and reaffirmation about how i want to identify myself? damn identity is hard lol /lh

Submitted May 20, 2023

#acephobia #aphobia #queerphobia #homophobia #transphobia #questioning #asexual #ace #aspec #acespec

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memurfevur-archive · 5 months

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i keep seeing polls talking about asexual/aromantic rep and i always hesitate to answer those because i feel like i dont fit in. not in the way of 'im questioning my identity' but because i feel like i shouldnt fit in, that this poll isnt intended for me because im demi, and other people would be angry if i answered

i have to keep reminding myself that its a spectrum and im on it, which tbh applying the ace or aro label to myself is a relatively new concept im settling in within the past few years just because for so long i had the black-and-white understanding of the term and not the mix of greys

taking the way my friends experience their aro/ace-ness and comparing it to how i experience it also doesnt help, and i know i shouldnt do that, but it's hard because... well, theyre examples and im not like them

but i guess im also an example for someone else, too, and i should consider that. that not all ace/aro fall under sex-repulsed or neutral, and that not all attraction is based on whether we feel these things or not but also how we feel it

#vent #ig?

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neuroticboyfriend · 9 months

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i really appreciate your positivity post about those of us who can't wear masks outside in the heat. i don't know if i have anything diagnosable but i'm definitely disabled nonetheless in such a way that i can't stand outside very long without getting extremely tired/dizzy/sick/miserable/etc. and i feel like i'm very prone to heat stroke due to how physically weak i am by default, especially since my climate is so fucking hot & humid and probably one of the worst such places in the whole country (i'd imagine at least?). it certainly doesn't help that the masks we have that aren't the classic N95s are all... black and absorb the sunlight lol. i know a lot of karens complain that they can't breathe when they have to go shopping for 20 minutes that way and it's pathetic to us but i legitimately feel trapped, panicked, and overheated when i can't breathe freely. it's overwhelming for sure!

yw!! I've been being kinder to myself about it and I still have some anxiety over it, but I wanted to share cuz like. we're the last people who should be beating ourselves up. we cant control that our bodies dont do well in heat, and we shouldnt be risking immediate serious illness or death. and we shouldnt feel ashamed because some comparatively abled people whined and are still whining about masks.

so yeah. i hope you're able to stay cool and safe this summer ♡ and its comforting to know im not alone

#asks #anon #yaybox #covid #heat illness #covid masks

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laithraihan · 9 days

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I'm the anon who sent you the long message that apparently came off "pompous & infantilizing" and more to your followers.

I find it interesting that that message sparked such a flood of defenders, when I did not send it in bad faith at all. From your answer it seems I'm lacking context so sorry if I took some of your statements the wrong way, but nonetheless I just found the parental love addition strange and reacted to that, that was all there was to it. I clearly stated (three times) I'm not taking any issue with your headcanons.

By saying they are far removed from canon I did not mean to say they are "too unrealistic" or something is wrong with that, I literally said the opposite. I meant just that, that factually, this will not be a common interpretation for someone who is familiar with the source material but not your blog. This is not a statement that I made with any judgemental value and I thought I made that very clear but apparently not.

So I'm sorry for the additional ask.

Have a nice day.

Thank you for the response.

I was fully aware you said there was no issue with what I drew, but the way you wrote everything else sort of negated that statement. At least that's how me and many other people saw it.

If someone finds what I drew strange or confusing then they could always just... block me or ask me about it (and btw I expected people to be confused, otherwise I wouldnt have labeled it "non-coupling" as soon I posted it lol)

Someone did ask me about it, and you seem to have already seen that response, yet you still felt the need to send another message basically implying that an explanation wasn't enough (turns out it actually wasnt enough because people said I was lying and in denial) and that my explanation was weird too? Which is whatever I already ended up clarifying that, English is not my first language and I type things with the help of a translator (I wish people could actually keep this in mind. I only type in English because it'll reach a wider audience and it's the language most of my followers know. Often I have to google words people tell me online, or I ask my friends fluent in English to explain things for me)

You can say "that's not what I intended" but that's how it came across... you wrote a lot of nice words while also saying it was understandable that people were ganging up on me over a drawing, it seemed patronizing.

That's why me and others took offense to it, but I think it's difficult to tell tone through text so I don't want to keep nitpicking this any further. If you say you had no ill intent then I believe you.

The following will just be me adding more context and not necessarily aimed at you: Again I understand the lack of context of my account can make people confused about my art, Ive made that clear many times.

The art I made where I said "if your parents didnt love you then it's obvious" was a direct response to people who were mocking me specifically for tagging the art as "non-coupling" because they didnt believe me. They got the context and decided I was trying to hide a fetish because a kiss on the cheek was "obviously shippy". They proceeded to compare this to drawing NSFW of Mob and Reigen by labelling it "non-ship" as if it was comparable to tucking a child into bed, that's what upset me. I did absolutely nothing to these people, I dont know them, if they said this privately I wouldnt care but it was public, and they also targeted another friend of mine for no reason.

All Im gonna say is that my drawing shouldnt have caused this much controversy in the first place. I labeled it "non-coupling" as soon as I posted it, which should've been enough honestly. It's not like I posted porn or anything like that, I got the idea from something Ive experienced in my family as a teenager and I could easily google stock images of the exact same scenario to use as reference, like I really didnt think it was that bad.

Anyways I think I've explained myself many times already. Im not gonna be hostile and say to people "roh t9awed dont ever send me anything else related to this" but just.. check if Ive already answered your question so that it doesnt end up being repetitive. If you have a question about this that I havent answered yet, then feel free to ask.

#asks

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idealspawn · 2 months

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throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

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wtfuglydemon · 3 months

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the internet is sometimes really bizarre to me, specially when it comes to being Queer, i truly do not understand the need and idea to have so many labels and hyper specific names for everything

though i do think theyre good for people that feel comfortable and secure to have something to properly label themselves as, my identity experience is so different compared to most people i know

my sexuality? literally never thought about it, im not even sure if i like people in general to have one, if i thought about it, id definitely fall at the Aro spectrum somewhat but i truly do not care enough to find out, i know i want some kind of companionship but not in the usual way with my preferences in people going for feminine, even if its highly abstract what i mean by being "feminine", so i just go with lesbian because its easier to understand

my gender? i like to go on as a girl but that is also incredibly abstract, as far as it goes i just like femininity in appereance and to present myself in a feminine way because thats just how i like to look, as far as it goes i call myself "if a creature from the void was kind of a girl" because it truly does not matter to me, i simply feel uncomfortable with men and the concept of masculinity but i could go on as anything else as long as i present myself with femininity, no gender but in a girl way. so as far as you're concerned im a girl.

so i truly do not feel the need to give these a name or label because it doesnt matter, it shouldnt matter because as long as YOU know how you feel about yourself it doesn't need a name to explain for others because it truly only matters for yourself, YOU need to be comfortable and understanding with it, not others

#lovetxt #“but these things have X-name”#truly do not care and i will not use them. going as a transgirl lesbian explains better what i feel more than sny micro label made #im glad micro labels exist because some people truly feel comfortable with them but i do not think theyre as necessary #and need to be enforced and cared for as much as people do

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pesterloglog · 4 months

Text

Kanaya Maryam, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 7777-7782

KANAYA: Thank You

ROXY: no problem!

KANAYA: I Didnt Think

KANAYA: It Would Be This Easy

KANAYA: I Mean

KANAYA: Not That It Was Easy For You By The Sound Of It

KANAYA: What I Mean Is I Thought It Was Going To Involve An Arduous And Lengthy Process For Myself To Undertake In Order To Figure Out How It Was Even Possible To Reconstruct The Orb Let Alone Actually Do It

ROXY: nah

KANAYA: Nah?

ROXY: nope!

KANAYA: So Instead Of All That

KANAYA: Its Just

KANAYA: Handed To Me

KANAYA: Like A Nice Present

ROXY: yes

KANAYA: I Dont Know What To Say

KANAYA: This Changes So Much

KANAYA: About Everything I Thought I Had To Do

ROXY: does it?

ROXY: the way i see it is you shouldnt have needed to worry about makin the thing

ROXY: i think it will be challenging enough like...

ROXY: hatching it??

ROXY: and tending to all the stuff that comes next

ROXY: isnt that basically being responsible for the preservation of an entire race of people?

ROXY: like not even a simple kinda people that all go about havin their own babies by themselves n such

ROXY: u have to set up and deal with this huge creature that does it all herself right?

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: Thats How It Works

KANAYA: And Yes That Will Be

KANAYA: Probably Very Challenging

ROXY: yeah so just focus on that!

ROXY: im sure you will have help if you need it

ROXY: i mean... after all this shit is over obviously

ROXY: hey speaking of which

ROXY: howd it go here? did you do the thing?

KANAYA: Yes I Think We Did The Thing

KANAYA: Our Frog Should Be Good To Go

ROXY: we?

ROXY: oh yeah karkat came too didnt he

ROXY: where did he go?

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: He Um

KANAYA: Hes Still In The Cave

KANAYA: Uh

KANAYA: Meditating

ROXY: meditating huh

KANAYA:

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: It Was A Very Spiritually Uplifting Encounter With The Denizen

KANAYA: It Really Uh

KANAYA: Blitzed Our Chakras

KANAYA: He Needs Some Time To Clear His Head

ROXY: heheh ok

ROXY: so you are roses girlfriend right?

KANAYA: I Dont Know

KANAYA: Is That What Humans Call A Matesprit When The Matesprit Is A Girl

ROXY: umm

ROXY: i dunno

ROXY: is a matesprit the thing trolls call each other when they are girlfriends or boyfriends with each other?

KANAYA: Yes

ROXY: ah ha!

ROXY: then uh

ROXY: the answer is yes?

KANAYA: Yes

ROXY: lmao

ROXY: ok it was kind of obvious i was just makin sure

ROXY: anyway thats cool!

ROXY: did you meet on ur fancy meteor vessel

KANAYA: In Person We Met There Yes

KANAYA: Originally We First Spoke While She Was Still In Her Session

KANAYA: I Assisted Somewhat

KANAYA: But I Think I Bugged Her Mostly

KANAYA: That Seems Like A Lifetime Ago Now

ROXY: so i guess you mustve gotten to know each other a lot better during the trip

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: We Had

KANAYA: A Lot Of Free Time

ROXY: i bet :)

ROXY: man... three years was it?

ROXY: thats crazy!

ROXY: for a whole bunch of people who only just met including humans AND aliens

ROXY: or i mean trolls whoops sorry if thats rude

KANAYA: We Call Each Other Aliens All The Time

ROXY: haha

ROXY: but then you all IMMEDIATELY have to hunker down together for three years

KANAYA: That Is Very Much What Happened And What We Had To Do

ROXY: it sounds fun!

ROXY: kinda wish i could have been there

ROXY: i guess i had my own less long stint with people in my session

ROXY: only like half a year tho

ROXY: which was cool in its own way but it wasnt nearly as... social as your scene sounded?

KANAYA: It Was Pretty Social Yes

KANAYA: But We Also Had Little Groups Who Generally Convened With Each Other More Often Than The Entire Ensemble Crowded Together For A Singular Noisy Affair

KANAYA: Such Events Were Pretty Rare So Maybe Not As Social As You Are Picturing

KANAYA: In Fact It Was Quite A Subdued Situation Compared To The Crowd I Was Formerly Accustomed To Congregating With

KANAYA: There Were Twelve Of Us Back Then

ROXY: yeah WOW!!!

ROXY: i remember hearing about that from a friend

ROXY: who...

ROXY: never even existed from this frame of reference :(

ROXY: i guess thats another weird thing about my lil sojourn to get to this point...

ROXY: it is all made of memories now that didnt even happen for other people

KANAYA: That Does Sound Like A Lonely Predicament In Its Own Particular Way

KANAYA: A Sort Of Sacrifice Youve Had To Make Yes

ROXY: yeah

KANAYA: Sacrifice Abounds It Would Seem

KANAYA: I Dont Know Of Anyone Presently Alive Who Hasnt Had To Trade Something Very Important To Them In Exchange For Continuing To Be A Material Seeker In This Endeavor

KANAYA: You Were Forced To Trade Something Too But In Return Youve Been Able To Do Something

KANAYA: Something So Wonderful That

KANAYA: I Guess Im Judging Your Accomplishment From An Especially Personal Vantage

KANAYA: But No Matter What Else You Have Been Through

KANAYA: I Believe You Can Say Youve Done Something As Important As Anyone Could Ever Hope To Do

ROXY: aw yeas 8)

ROXY: i hope so!

ROXY: i really hope it all works out and you make a super successful trollworld 2

KANAYA: Yeah

KANAYA: I Want It To Be A Good Place

KANAYA: Not So Much Like Where Im From

KANAYA: It All Sounds

KANAYA: Really Daunting Actually

KANAYA: Not Even Just The Propagation Of My Kind But Managing To Do It Responsibly

KANAYA: Just Causing Millions Of Beings To Exist For The Sake Of Doing So

KANAYA: And Dismissing Responsibility For What Sort Of People They Become

KANAYA: That Isnt Good Enough For Me

KANAYA: I Think Echidna Was Right

KANAYA: Ill Need Him

ROXY: who

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: Nobody

KANAYA: Lets Say It Was A Figure Of Speech

KANAYA: Ill Need Everyone

KANAYA: Whoever Is Good And Wishes To Have A Hand In The Way Our World Is Shaped

ROXY: count me in! :D

KANAYA: I Will

KANAYA: But

KANAYA: As Of The Immediate Point In Time

KANAYA: I Dont Know What To Do Anymore

ROXY: hm??

KANAYA: Before You Came

KANAYA: I Was On My Way To Join You And Rose And John

KANAYA: Feeling Quite Sure I Was About To Get Ready To Fight

KANAYA: But Then You Gave Me This

KANAYA: And Now Im Unsure Of Everything To Which I Just Imminently Committed Myself

ROXY: how so

KANAYA: I Want To Help Us Win

KANAYA: But I Also Have A Lot Of Responsibility Now

KANAYA: In A Way That Is Much More Tangible And Also Spiky And Round And Sharp Than Just A Few Minutes Ago

KANAYA: And I Feel I Have To Consider Risk To Myself Is Now Also The Same As Risk To The Future Of My People

KANAYA: Does That Make Sense

ROXY: ooh i see

ROXY: yeah!

ROXY: it is like.....

ROXY: like say a mother wolf being all ready to stand up to some other asshole of nature

ROXY: like a nasty bear

ROXY: and shes ready to fight and all but also shes got to think about what happens to her pups if she gets hurt yeah?

KANAYA: Something Like That

KANAYA: Except Id Relate More To An Analogy That Didnt Involve Weird Alien Creatures

ROXY: oh sure

ROXY: just imagine instead of a wolf its like

ROXY: a mother uhhhh

ROXY: help me out here

KANAYA: Musclebeast

ROXY: a beautiful mother musclebeast

ROXY: and instead of a bear

ROXY: its um

ROXY: a metroid

KANAYA: Lets Say Good Enough

ROXY: damn straight

ROXY: be fuckin fight of the year right there

ROXY: but yes that concern is completely understandable

ROXY: you dont gotta fight if you dont want!

ROXY: but im sure we could really use the help

KANAYA: Would I Actually Be Of Much Use

ROXY: i think so!

ROXY: id look at it this way

ROXY: none of this next gen troll stuff is even going to matter if we dont win this fight

ROXY: so we have to prioritize beating all these goddamn villains

ROXY: specially the witch!

ROXY: any extra edge is going to help

ROXY: and tho i admit i dont know much about you i am feeling prrrettyyy confident in my assessment that u are probably some sort of sick deadly bitch

KANAYA: Who Told You My Secret

ROXY: i knews it ;)

ROXY: in fact i would BET

ROXY: that you could USE your concern for all ur future space pups to be WAY extra deadlier in this fray

ROXY: maybe youd make the whole difference??

ROXY: the point is we need you now just as much as anyone in the future will

ROXY: and we are ALL riskin stuff and ALL in this together and if youre with me and rose and john, dont worry we aint gonna let anything happen to you

ROXY: i promise!!!!!

KANAYA: Dang

ROXY: dang?

KANAYA: That Was Really Motivational And I Feel Very Inspired Now

ROXY: for real?!

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: A Little Corny But Definitely Genuine And Moving

KANAYA: And Now Im Suddenly Psyched Again To Go Dunk A Narcissistic Fish Woman Into A Sea Dumpster

ROXY: FUCK YES

KANAYA: Not To Project Myself As Someone Fickle Or Lightly Swayed On Big Decisions

KANAYA: Maybe It Was Just A Roughly Thirty Second Spell Of Cold Feet And I Just Snapped Out Of It I Dont Know

KANAYA: But You Really Do Seem To Have A Way With Motivational Words

KANAYA: You Must Be A Natural Leader

KANAYA: I Think Your Group Was Lucky To Have You

ROXY: me?? nuhhh

ROXY: im not naturally good at that at all

ROXY: i mostly just yelled at my friends cause they were such a gaggle of frustrating bozos

ROXY: i guess im just feeling way inspired by the fact everyone is here together and we are all about to try and do something huge and important

ROXY: ive also watched john in action a bit and he is VERY good at that stuff

ROXY: hes actually so good at being inspiring hes inspired me to try and be... more inspiring? that sounds dumb as hell but is true as shit

ROXY: i also love how hes got NO IDEA how good he is at leadery stuff, its

ROXY: it

ROXY: it is so inspirationally friggin adorable

KANAYA: :)

KANAYA: Shall We Go Then

ROXY: we hella shall

#homestuck #kanaya maryam #roxy lalonde #homestuck act 6 #page 7777 #page 7778 #page 7779 #page 7780 #page 7781 #page 7782 #homestuck act 6 act 6 #homestuck act 6 act 6 intermission 5

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ankhisms · 1 year

Text

ok one lovely person said they wanted to read the writing practice i mentioned being tentative about sharing so here <3 i have some notes and thoughts as well included. since the dont reblog function is still broken pls dont rb this thanks

as a disclaimer i am very rusty with prose which is why im trying to practice it at all since ive mainly been writing poetry and not any prose for the past few years since i felt discouraged about writing prose but now im trying to get myself to practice again. also one thing im aware of is that i have a tendency to accidentally switch between tenses so if you notice that yes i know its something im working on. also both of these arent finished they have gaps between action and thoughts which ive noted in the text

for this first one i havent written the beginning establishing the setting and everything but the premise is hiromu has a dream where he and enter are sitting at a cafe in paris and shenanagins ensue. well not really shenanagins its just a conversation i think their dynamic is interesting and i wanted to explore it in a more neutral not battle related setting so thats why i wrote this

---

(beginning and descriptions of surrounding add here)

hiromus narrows his eyes, "did you hack into my dreams?"

this causes enter to scoff, "really, red buster, you wound me," he rests his chin against his palm and explains, "i havent hacked into anything. you called me here."

"thats ridiculous," says hiromu, blunt even when sleeping.

enter smiles, "oui, ridiculous, perhaps, but it is true none the less. it would be rude of me to refuse an invitation, dont you agree?" he pauses, and leans over the table to add, "besides, i wouldnt lie to you- at least not here."

hiromu doesnt like that one bit, nor does he believe anything enter could possibly say. still, its not as if enter had invaded his subconciousness and just started torturing him with computer cables. compared to the more avian related nightmares hiromu had, this was pretty tame.

he briefly tries to recall anything he could have possibly read before, even in passing, about how to wake yourself up from a dream. unfortunately for hiromu the only thing that comes to mind is how to wake up a buddyroid from sleep mode. too bad he doesnt just have some kind of power switch like nick or usada. but maybe something similar to that could work, some kind of jolt to his system. people pinch themselves when theyre dreaming, right? or was it something about holding your breath? hiromu cant remember which one is supposed to work, so with a deep inhale he starts pinching his arms.

to enters credit, he doesnt immediately laugh like a madman upon seeing hiromus cheeks puffed out while he frantically pinches his arms. the most he lets out is a quick snort, before reaching over the table to pat hiromus cheek, "your manners are awful," enter says, "weve only just said hello and youre already trying to wake up. you cant possibly hate me that much, mon cher."

the hand against his cheek is warm. of course, most peoples hands should logically be warm to touch, but not enters. the projection of a human shouldnt be warm. did jin ever feel warm? hiromu doesnt feel keen about playing back all the moments during battle when enter had gotten close enough to possibly feel some kind of heat. thus, thinking about his avatar team mate is the better option. except he cant recall any time jin had ever felt warm either. does a dream offer an avatar more humanity somehow?

hes thought about it for too long perhaps, because he hasnt replied and enter is starting to look at him curiously, and so hiromu decides he can dwell on it when hes actually awake. he lets out his breath and swats away enters hand with a scowl for good measure. enter feigns an exaggerated pout, but then he settles back in his seat all the same, keeping his hands to himself.

hiromus cheek still feels warm and itchy, but hell be damned if he lets enter know something he did got under his skin. this too is like a battle, the enemy can find weaknesses even in the smallest of movements. he restrains himself from scratching his face, opting instead to glare more at enter across the table.

his enemy looks different in the cerebral parisian landscape theyve found each other in. for one thing, hes actually wearing civillian clothes rather than his usual long coat or any of his attempts at disguising himself. with enter perched opposite of him wearing a dark turtle neck and a caramel sweater, hiromu is struck by the jarring realization that the avatar almost looks like a normal person. almost, if one didnt already know that the man sitting there was made of code rather than flesh and bone.

eyeing him carefully, hiromu thinks that he catches the slightest glitch at the edge of enters face, an abnormality that is gone by the time hiromu has noticed it. enter may have decided to wear something a little more reasonable for this encounter, but he still isnt fooling hiromu. even in a fashionable sweater theres something off about him.

the rest of his attire aside, he does still have those ridiculous goggles pushed up against his brow, because of course he does. he would fit the part of a cafe loving paris tourist better if he had a silly little beret instead of his trusty eyeware, but hiromu doesnt particularly feel like pointing that out. seeing enter flounce around in a beret isnt exactly an enjoyable thought at the moment.

(add something here)

"ive heard about people going to paris for the first time and getting sick from the shock of how dirty it is," hiromu says, "you should be glad it doesnt smell here."

enters nose wrinkles, "dont say that, you'll ruin my appetite"

"so you have an appetite? its not like you need to eat, right?"

the avatar shrugs, and carefully picks up his fork, saying, "i may have no need for food to survive, but that doesnt mean i cant enjoy it." enter takes his time with slicing off a chunk of the lemon cake between them, and continues, "theres things humans dont need but do none the less, non? your lives are so short after all, why not chase after every little pleasure."

seeming satisfied with himself, enter takes a bite, eyes closed with an exaggerated look of bliss. whatever emotion it is that enter has been trying to elicit from hiromu, hes just growing more annoyed, rolling his eyes and pointedly turning his body away from the cake.

(add something here)

hiromu stands up with a jolt, and the screeching sound of his chair breaks what little illusion of idle cafe chatter this dream had left to offer. he fumes, fists clenched with his gaze set firmly on enter, who only barely looks up to offer a smug smile.

"we," hiromu spits out the word disdainfully, "are nothing alike. theres nothing to compare between us."

despite the outburst of his dining companion, enters expression remains unchanged. if anything, hiromus insistance upon distancing himself has only amused enter further. he laughs, throwing up his hands half heartedly, as if they were old friends having a casual debate rather than mortal enemies with their blades always at each others throats.

"i suppose we should leave it at that then," enter reaches for one final bite of cake, clearly enjoying himself, "this has been lovely, you really should invite me more often, ma puce."

"go to hell," hiromu tells him, and lunges to try and land a punch against that awful smile.

by the time hiromus fist reaches where enters face would have been, the avatar has already disintegrated into a burst of code. orange numbers and the distant sound of laughter linger for a moment in the air, before hiromu blinks awake in his room.

---

this second one i wrote before the first one and im still not very happy with it and might scrap it and try to rewrite it. i couldnt decide what point of view i wanted to write it from between third person pov or vaguely enter talking so it feels muddled to me. this was mainly a kind of train of thought because i had and still have a lot of thoughts about the avatars and what it means to be human and what it means to be an avatar and if they can feel things etc along with enter and escape being their own people and having their own identities and lives. but i feel like i didnt exactly get all the thoughts that i wanted to convey across very well so again im probably going to rewrite this at some point lmao

86 billion neuron cells, with another million billion synapses connecting the spaces in between, all sending information to and from the brain, the extremities and sensory organs having gathered data from the outside worlds stimulation in order to help the human machine function.

from ancient calculating tables and tally sticks, to early machines reading punch cards, to alan turings first thought of the modern computer, you could trace an avatars lineage back to the very first time a human began to count just as easily as you could to any of these.

enter and escape are not any of the doomed researchers that crossed the gap between dimensions, whos data was cleanly picked apart from their miserable mortal bones and woven back into the code of their forms. perhaps you can not fault those same humans for their squeamishness at the thought of any person being undone in such a way, let alone a family member. really, nature has functioned like this long before the first digital computer ever graced the earth with its code.

when a deer falls dead in the forest its body becomes food for the rest of the life among the trees, and in time its flesh decomposes and turns to soil. another one bites the dust only to offer up a meal for the starving masses. you are born, you die, and someone finds a way to steal from you long after youre gone. c'est la vie, as we say.

think of it, dear reader, as such; a thousand photos lie before you of humans. pictures of people from across the world, some of them seeming familiar and some of them with faces unknown to you. you can thumb through as many as youd like, but in the end you will always come to the same realization that somewhere, within these people, are bits and pieces of yourself. this one, looking off camera against a gray sky, has your nose. this person, leaning against a bridge and failing to strike a good pose, has your eyes. the next person will have your smile, ectera ectera. you get the picture- ha.

even if you were not flipping through a book of old family records you would still spot bits of yourself in people far away and long dead. this, mon cher, is how i see best fit to consider what it means to be created from composite data, for i assure you one need not be an avatar to be formed in such a way. you have been strung together from bits and pieces of every person your ancestors ever loved.

love, ah. thats another subject we must discuss, sooner or later, i suppose. can a machine love? really now, i wish you would find something else to ask. anything else would be a more stimulating topic of conversation. why must we agonize over such messy details? humans simply can not stop themselves from philosophizing until theyve got nothing left to make a philosophy out of.

what does it matter if a machine could or couldnt love, when plenty of stinking humans have never even thought to act on the very principle they obsess over. love. let us not get sidetracked by such nonsense, we still have other aspects to examine.

delete that last input, page back with me, now think again on the subject of data, and of rebirth. the doomed researchers are not escape, nor are they enter, just as much as you are not the person who first gave you a specific gene in your dna. the researchers were a sample for an experiment greater than any they had ever run through before. do you get it now? do you understand? of course you wouldnt. humans are foolish enough to think they are one of a kind.

forget about if a machine loves, just what can an avatar feel? if their coding is to be equated to the human nervous system, then is it so hard to consider that they too could find the many vices of the earth pleasurable? enter cursed himself for spoiling messiah, having given the virus too much of a taste of just how splendid human suffering could feel. he was taught pleasure too soon, and greed was already something he knew from birth. enter should have known better than to offer up a plate of food he could not continue to harvest sustainably- not yet, at least. especially when the one gobbling down that harvest throws a tantrum the moment its all gone.

really, is it so terrible to ask for a thank you once in a while? you would think that after devoting your existence entirely to a single being, you might get a few bones thrown your way. in this we could draw another parallel between the humans and machine, where enter is scorned by his messiah in the same vein as humans praying for salvation from some unforgiving god.

i am drifting off course. forgive me, you see a machine can ramble just as easily as a human, non?

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ok yay thanks if you read all or any of this honestly i appreciate it. id love any feedback anyone has including constructive criticism from writer friends but i just ask that you maybe try to be a little gentle with me and remember that im very rusty yknow but i do still appreciate any thoughts or helpful tips thank u again mwah

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