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#and i literally can't think about it now

one more-

#edit: i think what happened w/ the random ''i wanted it'' @ the beginning here was bc i accidentally used quotes instead of apostrophes, #i wanted it, #flick ticks, #when will i cease with the personal/vent posts? never ❤️ /j idk. i wanna stop but they're . vent posts for a reason sbfnsbfnsms, #also it's my blog i can do what i want ❤️, #anyways- impulse control. i realize now that Everything i Ever Did was based on impulse lmao.....i need to learn how to better control, #that shit. and yeah i will!! but it's? gonna be hard bc i don't exactly? have anyone to i guess test myself w/ lmao......, #all of the shit i did was based off the negative impulsive feelings i was feeling- i feel lonely? isolate so someone will notice that you'r, #gone (doesn't work. surprise); i'm sad because i feel unloved?* isolate! maybe throw a fit or get mad about it!, #*my feelings of being unloved were . common in my childhood lol. ✌️✌️ that's on growing up touch starved & emotionally stunted ✌️✌️, #✌️ my parents didn't hug me enough as a child and now i'm a monster ✌️ LMAO. like- real tho bc like??? i also!! fun fact- i also have a har, #time sometimes like. understanding why people are upset or the general fact that they're upset (my mind: why are they upset?, #(i'm not upset/i wouldn't be upset by [that] so what's their problem?) like......god..... and yeah i realize that i was . very insensitive, #towards a lot of things (thanks uhhh Literally Everyone i grew up w/ not being even remotely sensitive towards me and thus making me value, #(my own feelings over anyone else's because if no one cared about how i felt at least i did. also if they only cared about themselves, #(why can't/shouldn't i prioritize my own feelings over anyone else's?) and in that process i? did in fact end up being very selfish and lik, #taking things for myself (most often without permission) simply because and!!! i apparently didn't grow out of that at all!!!!, #bc taking things for myself and pouting when i didn't get my way was one of the ways i abused him!!! my excuse for everything i did is that, #i'm barely an adult but like..... i'm still an adult; i really should know better. i should've learned better by the time i was at least 16, #[also just to make things clear: i'm not out for pity/sympathy points if y'all are concerned abt that- i'm literally just. talkin to myself, #[like. i just want this shit out of my brain y'know? anyways], #but now i do know better i think; very much too late but like..... i do kinda still think all of this was meant to happen...., #as hellish as those three fucking years were *especially* for him i.....still think it was all meant to happen. all the vile shit i did, #absolutely sucked but like.....yeah.... i think i myself needed to go through that. i needed to learn more about myself i guess. it just, #really wasn't fair to him. for him to have been my learning experience- for *anyone* to be my learning experience. its bullshit and it's no, #fair. i just? wish i was better to begin with lmao.... i wish i had the knowledge then that i do now i guess because like. i would Love to, #go back in time and redo EVERYTHING. i would treat him so fucking much better if i knew the shit i know now, #but what's done is done and i need to accept it and move on, #it. hurts, #but it's done. it's in the past
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god i know, the timing of it is so fucking tragic, but i also think the timing is why it happens. like ian’s really just trying to deal with terry tearing mickey away from him, and with the trauma of what just happened, by clinging on and insisting on that love. but then that’s kind of the exact opposite of what mickey needs or has any chance to safely entertain in that moment, because he’s traumatized and terrified and living in such a different world than ian is, and that’s a part of what makes it so tragic too. like they only talk about it once the whole topic is just a heartbreaking impossibility 

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OK I’m gonna talk about a subject that’s kinda touchy but really sincerely needs to be said.

Some people in this fandom i genuinely admire and like, but here’s the thing. Some of y'all in this fandom can be a bit insensitive to allot of issues (racism, sexism, abuse, etc) and some still try real hard to act like you don’t and it’s honestly really f*cking trifling/concerning, cause like y'all act like y'all don’t do that, and it really aggravates me.

First onto the problem with racism this fandom has. Y'all have no qualms going on and on about the evident whitewashing the show does to it’s characters of colour at times like what they did to rena’s model, etc(trust me i feel the same way at times but saying that mari is white bc she doesn’t wear chinese garb etc is really concerning and feels really weird when white fans try to say this bc not allot of ppl who come from different cultures outward go and dress in their ethnic garb at home in all places (and honestly, whenever iusuallysee art of this it’s fine but at times it comesoff a bit fetishizy(especially whenever someonetries to draw mari in diferent clothes and all they do is a “certain” style. and it’s concerning that y'all have the opposite argument about sabine (even though i also i have qualms about that too.) but then getting angry when poc try to tell y'all to stop drawing characters a certain way (whitewashing (how funny how y'all go on about this and then do it in art or other media by lightening skin colour or changing features) or darkening the skin on a villain alligned character instead of trying to learn from those criticisms is in and of itself, a whole hypocritical mess bc y'all try to make some valid crits of the show but it all goes down the drain when y'all turn around and do this witchhunting/whitewashing bs. Then there’s the fact that y'all salters almost always make alya the villain and chloe a support in a huge amount of saltfics without even seeing what kinds of connotations could arise from that. Like do you not see the problem in twisting the main character’s best friend who actually has a personality of her own into the villain when she’s black and making the lighter skinned bully the hero. At all.

Next onto the sexism (funny thing is its funny how both sides play into this). First we have how the fandom treats Marinette and Adrien. When mishaps happen to Mari, the salty part of the fandom tends to jump up and say that either her classmates are always laughing at her and more complaints that don’t make any sense because if y'all have actually watched some parts of the show even, any scene when marinette has a mishap happen to her in front of classmates you’d see they’re not laughing at her, but with her. (and you’d think that the nyc special would show y'all that the wouldn’t laugh at her accidents or problems if she’s in genuine distress.) Then we have the minor villains Felix and Lila with how the fandom still holds onto this merit that canon felix is a good person underneath a cold persona (now this could’ve been truefor pv!felix or fanon felix and i don’t hate him, it actually the opposite, i kinda want to see what other moties the character has in store for us.) what i don’t like is how some parts of the fandom put him on a better merit than lila when we don’t even know his full character just as yet while we’ve already gotten to know how shady of a person lila is.

now finally onto the abuse aspect. i saved this one for last bc this is a touchy subject for me at times, in any aspects i can name bc here’s the thing, this fandom loves to either: make claims that a certain character (adrien) is not facing any sort of abuse bc he’s a guy or that he shouldn’t be taking it or he should stand up for it (or worse saying he deserves it and saying that gabriel/lila should continue with it?! looking at 4 or more certain salters who have been getting on my last f-ing nerve with that) and i’m just like please stop and think about it for a second. And i don’t want to hear the “it’s a tv show” angle which i’ve heard way too many damn times bc If you were in a situation like that and it starts to escalate, how would you feel if someone online was making fun of your plight online over an over like a damn broken record player hmm? Cause i relate to adrien on a few aspects of his life and seeing y'all repeat the same cold takes about how he could just leave, or how chat blanc can’t happen bc gabriel isn’t like that is frankly, all too worrying bc i have been in that place and so have many others and seeing y'all say that gabe/lila/nathalie are all morally better bc of certain struggles they face is another hypocritical thing that some of y'all salters need to address bc y'all would rather say these people behave better than an abused kid.

#ml fandom critical, #ml fandom, #ml fandom salt, #ml salt, #ml salt on salt, #like honestly the hypocriticalness of this fandom aggravates me to no end., #especially since y'all salters never ever own up to y'all's mess and well here's the thing it makes you look like a herd of clowns, #and y'all salters have turned something that could genuinely be used to bring valid critique to a show, #into a wholeass gaslighting and apologism festival when you either can't find reasons to justify ships or other things, #when criticism is NOT about the shit y'all think its about., #miraculous salt, #miraculous fandom salt, #like the sugar side of the fandom or should i say the sane side of the fandom actually know how to watch a show while still being critical, #it's y'all that dont now how you just use the tags to rant on how the show isn't going your way., #and i'm gonna say this.i try to sometimes sweep the shit y'all salters do under the rug at times, #bc at face value it seems like you all are actually making some valid critiques then i look at some of the other stuff y'all have done, #and it goes down the drain, #cause y'all literally send y'all little followers to angry mob anyone who dare speak against you., #like i've been in the fandom when the show fucking started and seeing it go from such a nice community to the cesspool it is now, #is distressing., #and also if you're one of those artists who like to send angry mobs to ppl when they don't agree with you you're an idiot. plain and simple, #like honestly the show isn't perfect but the way some salters go outta their way to bash it is sad
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I’m baby except its not im innocent and Smol it’s i can’t look after myself and am immature as fuck

#AT LEAST since Im in a good mood I was right in that this stuff literally doesn't go away no matter what mood I'm. In, #And that I don't need to be in a bad mood to know that like............. Boy I really have nothing do i, #Like man I was exhausted years ago and Nothings changed except for the fact that it's gotten so much worse, #I'm really like. Stupid to keep staying alive bc BOY existing is the worst, #I don't understand how anything in this life is even remotely worth all this suffering for dear god, #Negative, #Complaining, #Yeah sorry about that lmaO but I'm just like. Looking at everything like....... God there really is nothing worth salvaging here..........., #Like it's a huge huge mess and everything's mouldy and disgusting and I'm not throwing it out bc ''surely there's something in here worth, #holding onto'' um. No, #I've been sifting through all of it for months if not years now and like...... No there's really not a single thing in here worth fighting, #For. Like. Nothing, #Like I don't even want to be anything in the future, #I can't go to school I can't get a job, #And even if I worked up to that point going through years and years to do so........... Is the pain of school and jobs worth all that???, #Are years and years of pain just to be stuck in a dead end job (because I'm disabled I have no experience) worth it to literally anyone???, #Like it's not just me. Anyone else in this position wouldn't think it's worth anything, #Ugh man lads I am exhausted, #It'd be funny like an exaggerated slapstick cartoon how bad everything is if other people werent going through it too, #duke's ramblings //
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I gave myself too many feelings about a fictional character and now I feel this sweet heartache, not like when you’re really hurting but the kind that makes you want to dive deeper into it because in stories everything feels more true and profound and your meager little reality just doesn’t measure up to it.

But noooo gotta deal with spreadsheets and reports and all that BS.

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I think a very important thing to understand about me is the very specific aesthetic that I absolutely adore more than anything.

I love it when something looks cute and innocent at first, so you assume it is sweet and harmless, and then you are very, very wrong. Ooh, that’s the good shit. Kills me every time.

#Surprise Filth And Gore. It's better than when it's expected., #.It speaks, #About me yo, #I think I know the reason WHY I love it so much too, #I am 5'1'' and very pretty. And AFAB. And I HATE being infantilized. I am not a child or a doll I am a fucking adult here., #I just look cute. Oh well. It just kind of happened. I'm tiny and I have a pretty face., #I am also autistic. Yet another mark in the ''things that make people treat you like a literal brainless infant'' column., #Not to mention my mother raised me and she To This Day does not let me do fucking anything myself., #I am not allowed to cook or clean. Can't do the laundry; can't make food; can't clean up after the pets., #She explicitly thinks I'm just incompetent and won't ever manage to do anything right. She took all of the knobs off the stove. I am 21., #If I am trying to complete a task and she sees me; she will take that task away from me and just do it herself [or try to]., #I dismantled my Nintendo Switch and reshelled it and gave it fancy new buttons and everything and she tried her BEST to not let me., #She wanted me to give it to her and let her do it. Even though I'm the one who spent the whole fucking day looking up how to do it right., #I eventually got it done by distracting her the whole time. I kept giving her little harmless things to do so she'd feel like she's helping., #Spoiler alert she couldn't do any of it and got frustrated and abandoned it and I -- you guessed it -- am the one who did it all myself., #If I had given her any Actual Important parts to fiddle with she probably would have broken them and trashed the system., #My Switch looks damn good now btw and I am still very proud of it. And it functions just like it's fresh from the factory. Nothing's busted., #So yeah I hate being treated like a fucking baby more than anything. That Is My Life Though., #So I fucking love it when something that everyone thinks looks Soft And Sweet And uwu babby-ish is actually Exactly The Opposite Of That., #Ideally the ''sweet thing'' never even lied and SAID it was Sweet And Dumb. People just made assumptions that bit them in the ass.
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I think a fun fact about me personally (as a ♊☀️♏🌑♍🌄) is how I kind of famously can’t remember when ppl have hurt me and as a result can’t hold grudges or set boundaries very well

But ppl who’ve even just…mildly infuriated or embarrassed someone I know..? Forgive&Forget? What’s that, never heard of it

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