#and i mean this seems more like a coping mechanism than a problem in itself

[ilynpilled]

I think most people started liking jb as a couple after the bear pit scene, but when I read the books back in freshman year I think it was the sword fight. Maybe it is the fucked up dynamics enjoyer in me, even though jb ends up being relatively wholesome (at least for this series’s standards lmao). The chemistry in that thing was tangible. It is so funny too bc I always viewed it as proof of Jaime’s attraction/admiration/complex feelings for Brienne already being a serious problem in his subconscious from very early on. Ofc once he actually clashes swords with her, his respect grows noticeably because he also realizes her skill and strength, and Jaime is dudebro powerscaler coded like that. Nonetheless, Jaime at that point being a character that just wants to “cut through” his problems puts that entire scene into a very interesting perspective. Brienne is literally a problem that he wants to cut through. “His brother never untied a knot when he could slash it in two with his sword.” He is in such a dark place as a character that his instinct is to kill his problems, even if said problem is a living person.

“Jaime had told him of it often enough. How time seemed to blur and slow and even stop, how the past and the future vanished until there was nothing but the instant, how fear fled, and thought fled, and even your body. "You don't feel your wounds then, or the ache in your back from the weight of the armor, or the sweat running down into your eyes. You stop feeling, you stop thinking, you stop being you, there is only the fight, the foe, this man and then the next and the next and the next, and you know they are afraid and tired but you're not, you're alive, and death is all around you but their swords move so slowly, you can dance through them laughing." 

He uses violence as a means of depersonalization, as by killing he transforms into some beast who operates on impulse. If he is so powerful physically then he is untouchable and does not have to face complex paradoxes that he cannot seem to overcome inside of his mind and heart. This is also why when this ability is robbed of him he is forced to confront himself.

This parallels Brienne pretty nicely bc she too views fighting as an effective coping mechanism, though it is considerably less dark for her. It is less about enacting violence upon your problems and destroying them and more about protecting yourself from them.

"Fighting is better than this waiting," Brienne said. "You don't feel so helpless when you fight. You have a sword and a horse, sometimes an axe. When you're armored it's hard for anyone to hurt you."

This is also present in the fight itself: “yet somehow he could not reach her. It was as if she had an iron cage around her that stopped every blow.”

Fighting is like a different language these two share. It means more to them than it does to most people. It is a means of survival, not just physically but mentally. No wonder their dreams are often them fighting a manifestation of their trauma with swords. Already there will be a level of intimacy at play during their clash. It is also interesting that this established dynamic of Jaime on the offense, and Brienne on the defense, changes as the fight goes on.

Back to Jaime and how he views her though: She is his captor, sure, but she is also someone that is challenging his entire world view that he constructed for himself to enable his behavior and not get crushed by the weight of his self-concept. She is someone whose judgement of him is so thoroughly founded in genuine care about his victims. She faces him with it head on, not behind his back. The way she dehumanizes him bothers him so much, because she already proves herself to be someone whose opinion of him has weight. She stops to bury innocents that fell victim to her supposed “allies”. He stops to imagine her in Cersei’s gowns, and looks at her muscular calves and arms as she rows, even though the only woman he ever wanted was Cersei. She is his other half, after all. She is a woman that is very competent in a role that was not meant for her by the rules of the realm. So much of his animosity towards her is rooted in all of this, especially considering that she judges him so harshly, with her absolutist morality and naivety pissing off Jaime even more. There is a big part of him that desperately seeks her approval.

THEN THE WAY IT IS WRITTEN. I know George gets shit for his sex scenes but this shit is so good idc. That old man went off here.

“Give me the sword, Kingslayer.” “Oh, I will.” He sprang to his feet and drove at her, the longsword alive in his hands.

The swords kissed and sprang apart and kissed again. Jaime’s blood was singing.

“swinging so hard that sparks flew when the swords came together, upswing, sideslash, overhand, always attacking, moving into her, step and slide, strike and step, step and strike, hacking, slashing, faster, faster, faster… …until, breathless, he stepped back and let the point of the sword fall to the ground, giving her a moment of respite.”

The dance went on. He pinned her against an oak, cursed as she slipped away, followed her through a shallow brook half-choked with fallen leaves. Steel rang, steel sang, steel screamed and sparked and scraped, and the woman started grunting like a sow at every crash”

“Come on, come on, my sweetling, the music’s still playing. Might I have this dance, my lady?”

She is stronger than I am. The realization chilled him.

“His point scraped past her parry and bit into her upper thigh. A red flower blossomed, and Jaime had an instant to savor the sight of her blood before his knee slammed into a rock. The pain was blinding. Brienne splashed into him and kicked away his sword. “YIELD!”

Jaime drove his shoulder into her legs, bringing her down on top of him. They rolled, kicking and punching until finally she was sitting astride him. He managed to jerk her dagger from its sheath, but before he could plunge it into her belly she caught his wrist and slammed his hands back on a rock so hard he thought she’d wrenched an arm from its socket. Her other hand spread across his face. “Yield!” She shoved his head down, held it under, pulled it up.

Brienne lurched to her feet. She was all mud and blood below the waist, her clothing askew, her face red. She looks as if they caught us fucking instead of fighting…Small wonder, we were making enough noise to wake a dragon.”

“Well met, friends,” he called to them amiably. “My pardons if I disturbed you. You caught me chastising my wife.” “Seemed to me she was doing the chastising.”

Swords being used as phallic symbolism is nothing new in literature. Also so funny to me that people think jb being “sexual” would ruin the “purity” and “depth” of the relationship. lmao we are way past the point of it being the “the platonic comrades with mutual respect” thing some of you see it as. I am hesitant to believe that was ever really the case with this relationship.

#i think the thesis statement of this post is that we can effectively use this fight as evidence of brienne pegging jaime in winds #also ik im not saying anything really new here #especially in jb circles #but i wanted to post about this so bad!!! #jaime x brienne #jaime lannister #brienne of tarth #asoiaf #valyrianscrolls

[sunnylands-world]

Extremely dangerous

Pairing: Draco x chubby reader x Hermione

Summary: he's a man with a secrets and A few misunderstandings…

Word count: 1,315

Warning: self hate, eating disorder, passing out, miscommunication and understandings, love potion

A/n: still packing but I'm working on request I promise. I got a lot more than I thought! 😅 Anywho @crispymilkshakekoala asked Can u plsss make draco x hermoine x chubby reader ( fluff & angst )

He was back like before, kissing your lips like a dirty secret. whispering things that had you turning into putty in his hands but he'd leave you again; and not show you attention elsewhere. You were walking the hall when you caught sight of him. But it wasn't him you were looking at, it was her [Hermione]. Alongside that he was touching her, she was touching him. You could only assume they- they were together. He waved you away like a fly, unwelcomed.

he looked like he was in a rush to tuck you back in the closet, ashamed, unwanted. Your tears fought your eyes like water on top of paper. You shook your head in denial rushing back to your room, your heart beating painfully as you urged yourself not to trip over your own feet. When you got to your room your hands struggled like they'd never opened your door before till you got it open. You fell to your floor, your body shook as you tried to breathe. You were his toy under the bed not meant to be seen or known about. He didn't even tell you about Hermione Granger but standing yourself next to her you could figure out why, gross.

Your lip trembled. You knew it wasn't good to beat yourself down but you couldn't stop feeling like you were so… you inhaled sharply trying to fight the war in your head but breathing in didn't stop the storm. What were you doing wrong? Why was he hiding You? You knew why he was hiding you, it was because you were not… you tried but you couldn't stop yourself from eating and you were angry at yourself for it. You'd lost weight before because you'd gotten fed up with gaining it. You'd become so disgusted with food that you stopped touching it.

Three meals became two and two became one. That was a while ago, you'd let yourself get comfortable with food again and you were back at square one. Luna and the others would say you could lose it quickly but you could barely make yourself be around people because you felt gross so walking or working out in front of others seemed embarrassing and difficult. You fought back tears with two things crossing your mind: one being that you were something people would hide rather than show because you weren't something people would be proud of [Hermione].

Two being that maybe it would be easier to not deal with it at all. Your chest gripped tight and your breathing picked up as the tears fell from your eyes. You were mad you were crying, you were mad that this all seemed so true. And the worst part was you completely understand why he'd wanted to hide you. I want to hide me too. As you sat there things felt easier to give up on and coping mechanisms seemed to become rather deadly as your mind spit insults at you. You looked up at sky asking for answers to your problems but they didn't fall, it was all so suffocating.

You laid in bed, turning uncomfortable as sleep took you away from the day. You never were comfortable like this, laying in bed while feeling… your body was so freaking hard to love and having him prove that you weren't pretty enough to be shown, cared for or talked about in public made you so tempted to just cut away your pain. Sometimes you felt like you were boxed in with all your of it, beating at the wall in frustration. Like your body was moving through heavy winds and you were a feather.

There never seemed to be a right word for any of it and that in itself was enough to cause you to look for a meaning you'd never find. You spent your days locked in your room hoping you shred away. You actually were proud you were missing meals again. You'd gotten up to shower and drink but would quickly lay back down listening to your tummy rumble only thinking about how this was one step closer to being good enough. You weren't sure what time or day it was when you fell asleep but when you'd woken in the hospital.

Luna, Ginny, Fred and George were on one side of you looking shaken up as your eyes blinked to life. "What happened?" your voice was horse as the words left you. Luna opened her mouth to speak but- "you passed out from a lack of food." Draco, you turned, seeing him. His eyelids were heavy and bags resting under those once bright blue eyes, his lips had skin peeling away and his hair looked like he hadn't brushed it. You nodded at him as you went to ask them [your friends] something.

"So that's it! You nearly died and you just nod!" Draco shouts startling the others before Luna's soft voice says "I think it's best if we leave these two alone." Fred looks hesitant but nods nevertheless, squeezing your smaller wrist earning a glare from Draco but he doesn't seem to care as he walks away. "I don't know what you want me to say. You should be happy!" you say with a cocky look on your face. "Why the fuck would I be happy about this? You look like you've dropped a hundred pounds!" He growls and tears fall slowly down his cheek.

"Well now I'll be pretty enough for you!" You snapped. "what! I didn't want you to be skinny you- you were gorgeous to me how you were before. why would you do this?" he said looking confused. "Right, I was so pretty that you hid me and didn't tell your girlfriend." You said looking away, a hand grabbed your arm. "Hermione Granger is not my girlfriend! It was a potion" he says looking from both your eyes. "The boys had given her one. I told you to hide because I didn't want her to assume you had a part in it.

I hadn't walked around with you anywhere because I was under the impression you didn't want that because I paid attention. I knew how much anxiety being around people caused you. God I was so scared when you hadn't met me back in are usual spot, I thought you'd left! Only to find out you were starving yourself," his breath hitches and he down right sobbs in front of you, bring his hand to yours. "I wasn't cheating on you and I should have come to you that day but I was stupid.

If I had known that this is what you thought I would have done things differently. I never wanted you to be skinny, I liked holding you before, I liked running my hands across you. I wanted to do so much more…you have to promise me you won't do this again and will both talk, because I- I love you and- and I don't want to lose you." He says squeezing your hand. Tears of your own fall as you nod leaning towards him, kissing his lips roughly with every feeling that's coursing through you.

He wraps his arms around your small round frame, pulling you to his lap before you pull back. "you said, cheated but that would mean-" "you were my girlfriend this whole time. Even if I'd never said" he smiles, looking at you with a sparkle in his eyes. You sigh, letting your head fall in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry" you mumble and he gives you a squeeze, smirking against yours. "It's okay, I just know that love is extremely dangerous for us." He states kissing your skin.

All of this just goes to show your thoughts are a trap. When given the right trigger it can shoot a bullet that will rip you apart.

Request open 👐

Draco's lovers and requests:

@alexxavicry , @sarahthehuffpuff,

@supercoffeeblogs , @thatwattpadobsessed

@ameliaclare04 , @kyracanwrite @animeloverfreak310 @imafangirl22

@phildunphyisadilf @jac1ndaa

#draco malfoy #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco fanfiction #draco x you #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy fluff #draco x reader #malfoy #draco imagine #draco x oc #draco x hermione #draco fluff #draco malfoy smut #draco smut #draco fic #draco x y/n #draco malfoy x platonic!reader #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x oc #draco malfoy x female reader #draco malfoy x muggle!reader #draco malfoy x ravenclaw!reader #Spotify

[sygneth]

Okay it's time for more of jeanalysis, haven't posted any for a week and that can't be

I have been thinking a bit more about how Jean we see in the playthrough is not a good representation of himself, and a few more things came to my mind.

RCM is a source of ongoing trauma. Let's put aside the job itself, the bodies, the crime scenes, and the terror of that all. Most of the officers we hear about are either brutal, toxic masculinity embodiments (often both), or not high in the ranks enough to be able to make change. Jean's partner is, for months now, always drunk, high, or both, and he (Jean) is the one who has to bear the consequences of Harry's behavior. And the citizens they are technically supposed to serve, hate the police (and rightly so). And let's add it's not a 9-5 job but a duty. For an averagely sensitive person, this is a whole lot to fuck with their head. Not to say for a more sensitive one*.

So yeah, having to deal with that all, he had to develop some sort of coping mechanisms and with fucking Revacholian/Elysian mentality and awareness of mental health, they couldn’t be very healthy right? Yeah. Especially if you take that toxic masculinity (that shows not only in the RCM but most likely the whole uneducated on the matter society of poorer districts of Revachol. Hell, wealthier districts too, it’s a general problem always and everywhere in patriarchal societies, just look at us here on Earth 2023, Poland for that matter is a great example) into consideration. No wonder he channels all his emotions into anger, because. Anger is “masculine”. Anger is acceptable. It’s fine to be angry and it’s fine to get aggressive when you are. They won’t judge for that, what is more, they’ll likely clap if you snap at someone or go and break something.

Being grumpy and sarcastic all the time? Welp. Considering that he got to spend most of his time in a surrounding that constantly traumatizes him, one gets to get bitter. (Let me get somewhat personal for a moment and just say that I have been suffering from high-functioning depression for years now, no meds seem to work here, and I have no means of doing anything more than I already did, with the shitty medical services that we have here and no money for private docs. And whenever I have to deal with people who trigger my traumas I get all spikey. And trust me, I try not to, but I can’t always control it. So yeah, here is also that. And that’s me, living in 2023 on Earth.) And just look! The more triggering factors, the more spikey he gets! How come?

(At the precinct he is grumpy alright, but he’s not really that aggressive until Harry calls. Same in the Whirling or during the trial. When he talks to Judit, Kim, or Cuno, he’s much better than when he talks to Harry. The fact that they had a great fallout just a few days ago that he probably hasn’t yet recovered emotionally from only adds here, as he is actively angry with Harry. And here look what I said before about channeling emotions.)

I feel like there could be a nice conclusion here but there is nothing more to add here, I suppose. Just that there are chances he is actually a nicer guy than we get to see and that I think there is hope for him, even in his reality.

*(Well we could of course argue whether he is or is not a sensitive person, but I’ll just say that you don’t catch the depression or addiction from thin air, these are in the majority of the cases results of someone being sensitive and not knowing healthy ways to deal with their emotions, so here’s that. Also, he apparently writes poetry (?), come on. (source: Jean&Harry’s desk promo, for those who missed that one (if you did then go and read this thread this is fucking mine of gold)))

#mmhmmmm yeah another essay is in #jeanalysis #jean vicquemare #disco elysium #jean heron vicquemare #jeanposting #will i ever start making funny posts instead of deep ones

[dontbotherwiththepronunciation]

EDIT UPON LAST READING:

This was written on the 30th of may mostly because I got in trouble with a subset of sansa fans at the time and I felt like I should try to joy in her character again. I am no longer sick, I no longer feel like talking about romance, I no longer feel like talking about Sansa but doing this was fun and I am always curious

For the sake of this post, and only this post, I will refer to the term "ship" or any derivatives of the word as "feeling interested by a dynamic's fanon, semi- or canon romantic connotations".

Can't believe I have to say this but god people can get so unnecessarily mean. Before people start being pedantic about something as harmless as rarepairs, it seems like I really will have to say: I don't believe in any of these options possible canon endgames. Many of these have not even interacted. I deserve to have fun with stuff as trivial as dumb inconsequential fanon ships. 

Under the cut I wrote down my preferences + linked some fanwork simply because I’m in a shipping mood after reading some folkloric myths and I don’t really have any strong opinions on ships, and the few NOTPS I have are more about the way fandom treats the ship than the actual ship on itself, but I am completely ill and not healthy enough to do anything more serious and rarepairs are fun. You don’t have to read it or write one yourself, I just feel like talking and recommending fanfics.

On the other hand, if you do want to recommend me fanwork of any type, or share a prompt or show me a wip or just simply hype your rarepair please do so! Everything goes as long as it's a rarepair (less than 500 fics on ao3).

1. Sansa Stark x Brienne of Tarth

Listen, were it not for Brienne and Jaime being clearly written to be read as semi-canon-going-canon and were this book not written by a straight cis white male US American baby boomer democrat, I would be delusionally screaming this is going to be the one canon ship! This would be my protagonist endgame ship for which I would take the mildest coincidence as foreshadowing and die on that hill.

I am coming for you, Lady Sansa. Be not afraid. I shall not rest until I've found you. - Brienne I, AFFC

(Subversions of lady/princess & knight/prince where both are women and one of them is searching for the other and I'll become her Prince and save her! and-)

I just really love how so many of Brienne's issues are tied to her femininity. She does not fit into the traditional idea of womanhood, she wishes she would, she does not want to, she is rejected by the concept and she rejects the concept. And yet, when she distances herself from every possible reminder of her own femininity and takes up a man's armour and sword, she is reminded of her place as a woman and told to conform to her gender.

And then we have Sansa, who romanticises stories about Ladies and Knights; first out of genuine love and admiration for them, and later as a coping mechanism when cruel reality tells her that those ideals are sadly nowhere near true.

This is her knight. This is her strong, brave knight.

My only problem with Briennsa is how we shippers sometimes tend to put Brienne in a position of servitude to Sansa or the Starks and ignore how she is the heir to an island, has a father whom she loves and wishes to see again, and is still on a quest. Hell, she might be Azor Ahai, with her weirwood dream in which she fights White Walkers + her father's sword Lightbringer, out of all the Azor Ahai tinfoil theories this is the one I think has the most canon support. She is not a Hyle Hunt type of errand knight who is just walking around Westeros for the sake of traveling and finding a job, and once the war is over and she has kept her oath, it would be nice to see her going home and proceeding with her life and independence, maybe taking Podrik with her. I would like her to see her father again and see there being love between them.

My nonsensical fantasies involve Brienne being like "Alright, I found one of the Stark girls, still have to find the other one. I'm taking her to Tarth where she'll be safe and have no creeps around who would bother her." and Sansa just completely falling in love with Brienne on the way there.

Also, I would die for the comedic potential of Brienne of Tarth, mockingly refered to as "Brienne the beauty", having a trail of people fawning over her. This post is one of my favourite posts in the world.

To be honest, while I do enjoy the idea of Sansa going North to reunite with her family, I also have a strong fondness for the concept of her actually staying South. I know this is an unpopular opinion that Sansa fans seem to particularly dislike because of the whole "SaNsA iS nOt A rEaL sTaRk" thing, but there is something about lands of childhoods being unretournable. Stepping out of home means never seeing it again. "I am stronger within the walls of Winterfell" perhaps, but the walls of Winterfell were burned and the one Winterfell native who got to go back to Winterfell didn't get to be strong or safe.

I would like to be wrong though, and I think I will be wrong! But still, it would be nice for her to discover a South that is closer to the dreams of chivalry and court she had and perhaps Tarth could be that place, even if only for a short time.

Well, here is a canon-divergent AFFC fanfic in which Brienne finally makes it to the Vale. It has a lot of fairy tale imagery and an interesting characterisation between the Sansa-Alayne personas.

2. Sansa Stark x Jeyne Westerling

"That's what I'll give you, Lady Sansa. Your brother's head." A kind of madness took over her then, and she heard herself say, "Maybe my brother will give me your head." - Sansa VI, AGOT

You know how Catelyn and Ellaria both at least got to say goodbye to the remains of their loved ones? Jeyne didn't. Neither did Sansa.

My weird fantasy involves Jeyne Westerling (MY Queen in the North) finally getting Robb's head, even if it's just the skull, and showing it to Sansa. A subversion in a way. Joffrey would have done it in malice and sadism, Jeyne would do it it with care, maybe a feeling of responsibility over what remains of her husband's family.

I have a lot of issues with Robb Stark and the way he is perceived in fandom, I keep hating him until I read the source material again and realise "oh wait, fanon≠canon", but I just think his relationships with the women surrounding him are fascinating and they don't get explored a lot. Sansa doesn't know about him cutting her out of the inheritance line and I wonder how she and Jeyne, the other woman who is a Stark but would no longer be accepted as one by a majority of the Northern lords, would feel about him. I wonder how love, resentment, grief and guilt would mix between the two. I don't think Jeyne is pregnant, but if she somehow ends up caring for Robb's heir (be it Jon, Sansa, or an eventual child we refer to as his) I would love that. I like imagining that Jeyne could learn more about Robb, the boy, since she seems to have only gotten to know Robb, the man and King. I like daydreaming of Sansa and Jeyne talking about Catelyn, whom both admire.

I think both of them, based on what we know of Jeyne, share some similitudes in the way they behave conforming to their gender and what is considered a Lady's attitude while still having moments of defiance and I think Sansa could maybe appreciate that. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, she speaks of "madness taking over her" and, in my opinion, this is usually when she steps out of her own safety to be brave or bold (standing up to Joffrey, trusting Dontos, trying to hide her first menstruation) and I think it could be nice to see her realising these are not things she should be ashamed of. It always reminds me of Jeyne tearing up her clothes and fighting her mother. Jeyne Westerling, like most Jeynes, doesn't get treated very well in fandom. I hate how the interpretation of Robb breaking his vows to marry her is always one putting him as a selfless saint who practically sacrificed himself for a girl he didn't even love when the fact this all plays so mysteriously can open so many possibilities.

And it seems to me people forget how metal she became.

Sometimes Sansa's f/f ships tend to get simplified to "girls being girls and doing girly things together" and I understand why people enjoy that and they are valid for doing so, but in my case I usually prefer to have a little more conflict to it and I think this ship can balance the "girls making flowercrowns and braiding each others hair" and "exploration of complex feelings and estrangement" well enough for me to find it interesting.

Here is a fanfic I'd recommend that takes place in Winterfell with a reluctant Queen Sansa and lots of survivor's guilt + an edit done for said fanfic!

3. Sansa Stark x Garlan Tyrell

When Joff had her beaten, the Imp defended her, not Littlefinger. When the mob sought to rape her, the Hound carried her to safety, not Littlefinger. When the Lannisters wed her to Tyrion against her will, Ser Garlan the Gallant gave her comfort, not Littlefinger. - Sansa I, AFFC

(Yes, I know all those allies are kind of perpetuating her misery too, but she seems to have some affection for them. The reasons behind the affection can be discussed and dissected to examine whether that affection should be there or not, but as of now I don't want to talk about that. People can cherrypick to their own wishes.)

Not something I like to visualise as an endgame because Garlan seems to be quite happy with Leonette and I honestly think Margaery and Sansa's break up/middle school betrayal might not be as easily solvable as we wished, but I like thinking about Sansa & Garlan.

I like Sansa but she is fetishising a gay man who just lost the love of his life when she has a broader shouldered, bearded, straight person who looks very similar to said gay man who is called Garlan the Gallant and how can she be so blind? Why is her unrealistic teenage crush so poorly chosen? Garlan is so humble and his name is so fitting. He is more chivalrous and mature than Lawrence and he is so strong and agreeable and he treats her and Tyrion with respect. He takes her out to dance and makes her laugh and if going by how she describes the Tyrells, then he is so very handsome too and- Why are you laughing? - My father, swooning over Garlan the Gallant on the phone

I do like imagining her having a bit of a very one-sided mild crush sometimes, not something serious but one of those light early adolescent crushes you won't ever act on. Sansa finding moments to daydream and cherish in the hell of a life she is living in King's Landing where se feels cared for, even if it is by someone who is not particularly invested in her. Admiring Leonette and wondering how happy she must be, without ever being truly envious or malicious but simply wishing she had something similar. So, less actual romantic interest but more of a one-sided "I wish" in response to unexpected and (hopefully) genuine emotional help.

I usually prefer gap fillers in fanfiction and I am so eagerly waiting for a gap filler of Sansa's time in King's Landing where she gets to interact more with Garlan and Leonette. Where we see her being wistful and melancholic, longing for her dreams of courtship, chivalry and the sort of love that would be a mix between that which she has heard in songs and witnessed between her parents. Having small moments of joy feeling like a girl again for allowing herself those dreams and realising they can be true.

It's a pity there aren't many fanfics or fan art focusing on their canon or fanon dynamic. I like them a lot.

4. Sansa Stark x Myranda Royce

This is the light to C€rsei x Ta€na's darkness. I love them as friends and I would rather keep them as friends, and for some reason I ship Myranda x Mya, but I enjoy the ship A LOT! Out of the female connection's Sansa builds as the story goes on, I think their dynamic is the most endearing one, and I live in fear of GRRM turning Myranda into Sansa's new villain. I talked a bit about them in the later part of that one post, and I don't have a lot more to add, I just genuinely enjoy their dynamic and how natural Sansa's friendship with her is. I think Myranda embodies certain aspects of Margaery and Jeyne, but until now she is more genuine than Margaery was, and Sansa is also more mature in her treatment of her compared to Jeyne. I just like them.

So, if Myranda gets to wake up the sapphicness in Sansa, I would not complain. She spends so much time flirting with her! I love her for that. "You do turn such a pretty shade of pink.”, "So you're brave as well as beautiful, "I can see how virtuous you are just by looking at those rosy cheeks and big blue eyes of yours."

Sometimes I see this small fraction of fandom being mistrusting of Myranda and I honestly think we are just falling into Littlefinger's trap when we do that. If Petyr tells Sansa not to befriend Myranda, then I will 100% hope Sansa has the common sense to befriend Myranda. Don't take Myranda's derogative comment about Alayne's "Bastard breasts" as genuine, her literal bff/girlfriend is a bastard herself. Nah, but seriously, do we really think that Mya Stone who has been struggling with feelings of abandonment since before we even met her would be "as close as sisters" with Myranda Royce if she truly were a classist evil schemer? I honestly think Littlefinger might be a little afraid of her. She is shrewd, she might not be on board with her father's alliance with Petyr. Maybe that is why she is being threatened by her father to be married to a suitor she wouldn't approve of.

I might be wrong though, who knows. I do understand how her constant bawdy jokes could have also been a method for disorienting and questioning her but the twow preview chapter made me doubt it. For some reason I find her more genuine than Margaery, but as said I'm open to being very wrong about this.

Anyway, here is a small Drabble + art someone made and it's cute and Myranda is funny. I love Myranda.

5. Sansa Stark x Harrold Hardyng

I didn't have a strong opinion on them but then I was sold on them by a fanfic. It seems like this is where canon might be heading and I'm honestly happy for Sansa if she gets to have her high school movie annoyance to lovers romance with a handsome-popular-everybody-wants-him Prep/Jock guy. Good for her. I don't think Harry is an evil person and I hope it remains that way. Depending on which approach GRRM takes to their relationship it could be very comedic while still holding the political plot for the Vale. Their interactions during the Alayne TWOW preview chapter were gold and everything I would expect from the high school AU set in the Middle Ages, this post encapsulates it, I want them to be cringe and weirdly out of place. All the important lords and ladies are talking politics while these two are constantly making everyone uncomfortable with weird one liners.

On the other hand, depending on how long Sansa has to keep up with the Alayne farce, it could also provide for some angst and explorations of identity issues. Lady Waynwood agreed to the betrothal on the condition that Harry himself would agree to it and find "Alayne" to his liking. And I will admit there is something that would be so sweet about Sansa being loved by Harry THE HEIR, as Alayne Stone, some petty lord's bastard.

It is not me she wants her son to marry, it is my claim. No one will ever marry me for love. - Sansa VI, ASOS

I would be so genuinely happy if she is proven wrong. And yes, the Alayne persona is not simply Sansa with another hair colour and name, but it is still part of her. It is a mask of her own face, smoother and only presenting that which she wants to present. It would be interesting to see an actual love story blossom out of this, while she is still painfully aware of their union being a machination of Littlefinger, maybe feeling guilt and insecurity over Alayne being made to play the seductress while Sansa is still underneath that facade wanting to be loved, being loved but not fully aware of it.

Anyway, here is a light angst fanfic about the Sansa-Alayne identity and Harry! It's probably one of my favourite Sansa fics ever, but warning for Petyr Baelish being himself!

+ I think people sleep on the concept of us readers getting to see Littlefinger "losing the girl" for the supposed prep/jock fuckboy again, that would be great.

Not a favourite, because I don't know a lot about Harrold except for that he is kind of a jerk, but I am a very canon person, so I'll probably end up tolerating/liking it if it actually gets to happen.

6. Sansa Stark x Myrcella Baratheon

I feel very weird about this one because I personally tend to distance myself from the captive x captor (including captor's family) ships in asoiaf when they are portrayed as something positive (nothing against those who like them, it's just a personal preference), but maybe because in this case both of them experience the position of hostage/ward and they didn't get to spend a significant amount of time together (two years at most), I am less appalled about possible scenarios in which they meet again in the future. Myrcella being passed off as legitimate when she is a bastard, Sansa being passed off as a bastard when she is legitimate, becoming pawns in political intrigues of others, being isolated from their families at a young age. Dorne treats Myrcella significantly better than King's Landing treated Sansa, but it still is the place where she was maimed and almost killed.

+ The fact that Myrcella is supposed to look almost exactly like Cersei (someone Sansa admired and wanted to emulate only to come to fear and hate her) but has none of her cruelty could be very interesting and torturous to explore if people want to write angst and get into Sansa's psychology. You can make this dark and macabre without having to open the bag with the dead dove.

Here is a (sadly abandoned) post ados fic in which Myrcella travels North as a ward to Lady Sansa, Warden of the North, sent by Queen Daenerys. Othe ships are also tagged, but since it was discontinued they don't appear. It has a very entertaining characterisation for Myrcella and it doesn't bash any of the girls mentioned, so I liked it.

7. Sansa Stark x Lancel Lannister

So, imagine a universe where Sansa chooses Lancel over Tyrion.

At the time, Lancel is still recovering from his wounds, if I remember correctly, and is experiencing his religious awakening. Imagine how different Sansa's arc would have been. Would she be the one seeking for some sort of connection between her and her husband? Lancel would probably have no interest in any possible romance, but he might be less indifferent with Sansa than he was with Amerei given how she aided him when he was wounded even when he had always been a passive participant in her abuse. Would she keep plotting and hoping for an escape with Dontos? Or would Lancel take her away from King's Landing? If he's not marrying Amerei, then he is not getting Derry, but perhaps Sansa could become a claim to Riverrun post-Red Wedding and that would be interesting to see. Sansa in her mother's home, retracing the steps of her parents, but this time differently, as an unwilling usurper to her uncle. Would she meet Jeyne once the Lannisters retake Riverrun?

Would there be a religious conflict between the two? I am an agnostic theology enthusiast, so I really love seeing how religion plays out in the story and since Sansa believes in the Seven Gods and the Old Gods, I think her dual faith would be interesting to see in opposition to Lancel's devotion for and indoctrination by the faith of the Seven.

+ both have Cersei related trauma and I am a sucker for "we share an abuser" dynamics.

I actually really love this possibility, but didn't came up with any of it on my own! What I wrote above is based on conversations between @team-mom-wannabe, @selkiewife and @nosafeanchorage. They created an entire AU for these two, with an astonishing amount of details and care, and then I had to go through the disappointment that is realising no one has ever written a fanfic centred on their possible marriage.

8. Sansa Stark x Val the Wildling

I really like Val. I know some people hate her because they claim she is "not like other girls" or because she wants Shireen to be killed, but I hate the way nlog rhetoric has developed and I come from a continent where 95% of the population was killed by foreigner's diseases (and also by the foreigners themselves of course), so yeah, I will never hold that against her. I understand why that is upsetting to others, but I'm different.

It's weird to me that although show!Sansa was given traits and storylines from many erased female characters and was kind of deprived of her own (and I still hate that show for that and so many other things), they never teased the concept of giving her a wildling partner! Tormund was a completely different character compared to his book counterpart, he was much younger, conventionally attractive and acted as the main leader of the Free Folk after Mance, so I thought they would maybe merge him with Sigorn and tease him and Sansa, but that didn't happen (I don't remember what happened to him. Did he die?). And I won't deny that the lack of a wilding/northerner marriage lead me to have some thoughts about how interesting it could be for her to meet someone from the free folk. And then, because I'm very very sapphic, Val came to my mind, another cool woman they erased. Beautiful and deadly. A subversion of the princess in a tower.

It's fun to see how both, Sansa and Val, are considered the keys to the North/the Free Folk when their titles are practically honorary; Val is not a real princess and the Free Folk wouldn't submit to anyone who forcibly married her, Sansa has been cut out of the inheritance line because she was made to marry an enemy whom the North would never allow into its territory. I think it would be entertaining to see them meet and observe possibly feelings of mutual respect grow and I just really like seeing people from different cultures interact. Free Folk's beliefs around courtship and how romance and marriage are always meant to carry some sort of violence are fascinating to me. The idea of being "stolen" is a concept I initially associated to non-consensual dynamics, but in fairy tales we often have characters saving the female heroine/love interest by stealing/rescuing them. The way women are often made to be objects of conquest or rewards in most folkloric stories and fairy tales conditions their rescue as theft, since they often belong to the villain only to be passed to another male character. This also is somewhat true in Sansa's case specifically with Tyrion and Petyr, although I would argue Petyr is a lot worse for Sansa than Tyrion. Anyway, I would really like to see how Sansa, who has always been on the edge of rape but has managed to avoid it (she has still been mistreated and fondled in situations of dubious consent, but not violated like Jeyne or Dany), would react to their customs.

+ depending on whether you believe in Sansa's possible complicity in the poisoning of Sweetrobin there could be soooo much room for projection and angst if she gets to see Val being motherly and so very loving to "her nephew" (even when it's not really her nephew and she knows) while still advocating for Shireen's death. Oh, that could be very very fun to read.

9. Sansa Stark x Podrick Payne

awwww he is crushing on his boss's wife! :D

I feel weird about this one being so low given how it's the only one in this bunch with some canon support. This is uncommon for me. It's probably simply because I find her dynamic with Tyrion more interesting, but this is cute anyway!

I do wonder why no one has thought more seriously about them in canon given how Pod is Brienne's traveling companion and might come to meet Sansa again sometime soon (if they survive LSH (on that note, I'd love it if he gets to tell her about Catelyn/LSH)).

I don't know. Podrick is a good kid and Sansa deserves good things. I just haven't found a lot of thematics in their possible dynamic that interest me, but I'm open to them.

+ Sansa's weird traumatic dreams involving Ilyn Payne. Someone make something out of this.

Sadly haven't found many fanfics that have sparked my interest, but I really like this gif-set!

10. Sansa Stark x Tristifer Botley

I had been wondering about this concept for a while and thought that in another universe where the war didn't happen or the possible Iron Islands/The North alliance was settled in terms that included more marriages between them, this could have been interesting, albeit improbable since House Botley isn't as relevant as House Stark, but interesting! And then I came across this really sweet post-ados fanfic by @/alleyskywalker in which Sansa is married to him to build bonds with the Islands since all realms are now independent again and I thought it was cute. Tris was lovely and I liked reading him. He is a character I feel conflicted about, but I don't think he is evil, I just didn't like the way he approached Asha. I jokingly refer to him as a nice guy™, but honestly he is just an actual nice guy with a gentle nature and romantic tendencies and I really love how he is a character whom Asha deems "too sweet for the Iron Islands", and still he is part of the Iron Islands and is accepted as one by the other Ironborn. Her claim is never backed on by anyone else.

His courteous and polite ways could probably match Sansa's dreams of chivalry very well. It would also be fun to see her adapt to the Islands, considering the Northerners' mistrust (and also some bigotry) for the Ironborn and how different their culture is compared to that of the southern courts that Sansa dreamed of and idealized. It could be fun.

My honour mentions in no particular order

Sansa Stark x Harras Harlaw

For similar reasons to Tristifer Botley, but although we know less about Harras' personality, we know he is a salt son and a knight, something most of his fellow Ironborn frown upon. To me, that is odd and fun to think about. Does he worship the Seven Gods AND the Drowned God simultaneously? His mother is a Serret of the Westerlands. Could she have been the one to make him be more fond of southern culture? I don't know, but I like to think that is the case and if so, I think him and Sansa could possibly have some things in common.

Sansa Stark x Mya Stone

Not one I'm actively searching stuff for, but I get a visit from my good ol' friend Sarah Tonin whenever I stumble upon it and I can understand why people are into it:

Baratheon x Stark (but f/f)

Bastard x Noble (but f/f + subverted because "Alayne")

Mya's connection to Catelyn (Lady Stoneheart would approve)

There is also the fact that Mya is one of the most honest and frank characters Sansa has met ever since the story began. I will defend Myranda but I think she is shrewd, Margaery...well we know how that ended...Mya is different! She doesn't seem to be hiding any secrets or have any ulterior motives in her friendliness. Her abandonment issues would be interesting to explore among with Sansa's overall introspection + her isolation in King's Landing and her new (and sadly well) founded mistrust for others.

Honestly, my favourite daydream just involves them having a conversation about Sansa's parents and Mya telling her all she can remember and consoling her, while being open about her own issues, but sadly I don't have any creative abilities and can't come up with anything beyond that.

Here is a short, but interesting, fanfic that takes place post AFFC, but was written before the TWOW preview chapters came out. I thought it was lovely.

Sansa Stark x Jeyne Poole

Kind of an obvious one and one I struggle with because I can see the appeal of childhood friends torn apart by war and then reuniting after both went through different hells, but the way fandom treats it often just annoys me. I think there are a few unaddressed issues that make it more difficult for me to enjoy the way it's portrayed in fanon. I guess we could say I like it as a rhænicent that never got truly toxic and just remained bittersweet with a few kneeps of resentment, feelings of inferiority and maybe some misplaced anger coming from Jeyne . There is a fanfic though that I think is unmatched when it comes to what I would like : (1) + (2) but warning for canon compliant Jeyne storyline fucked upness + mild ambiguous Theyne (the Jeynsa is ambiguous too, but in my opinion less than the theyne, and it is just as important, not a side-ship. Overall one of my favourite fics ever).

Rolly Duckfield

"He is as tall as Griff now. Three days ago he knocked Duck into a horse trough." "I wasn't knocked. I fell in just to make him laugh." - Tyrion III, ADWD

I love Duck. He reminds me of my best friend and I think Sansa could use someone like that in her life. I have nothing else to add.

#I’m only really invested in Sansa x Brienne and Sansa x Jeyne W (romantically) but I really like putting her with uncommon suitors #just for the sake of having fun with it. #sansa stark #asoiaf #speaking #fanfic rec #I think W€x P¥ke could be nice too but if I'm shipping him with a northern girl it will be W¥lla because of the potential for #comically uncomfortable inconveniences for the0n. #I am tagging the ships just in case someone has blacklisted some of them sorry for spamming #sansa x brienne #sansa x garlan #sansa x harry #sansa x jeyne #(w) #(p) #sansa x lancel #sansa x myranda #sansa x myrcella #sansa x Podrick #sansa x tris #sansa x val #sansa x harras #sansa x mya #sansa x duck #some of these are probably not blacklisted but it would be very funny if someone randomly decided to hate sansa x duck #I have blacklisted ships that are very well loved but this would be even funnier #I would applaud that audacity!

[contentloadingandstuff]

Loved the post injury fluff bit for Yelan and Sara, but did mean like, the injury they sustained in the Fatui reader request, so reader getting used to one arm in the Sara bit for example. Sorry I wasn't more clear.

In the Aftermath - Kujou Sara & Yelan x Fatui!Male!Reader

A/N: Sorry for making you wait this long for this, Brain. Hope you enjoy!

TW: Disability (amputee), sickness, Male!Reader

Kujou Sara

During the early recovery, Sara was a bundle of nerves. She never left your side, tending to your burns personally. She exchanged bandages, fed you, cleaned you. But what worried her more than your injuries was your left arm, or what was left of it. 

You didn’t seem to be bothered much by it, at least when you were bedridden. Sure, things like eating or getting dressed were quite a lot harder with only one working appendage. You were only reminded of your loss when you tried to push yourself up or point at something. Other than that, you were fine, which calmed Sara immensely. 

The problems started rising when you were finally able to get out of your house. Lots of daily activities you barely paid attention to before now became entirely new challenges. Like shopping, for example. Whenever you went out for groceries before the injury, you would naturally be Sara’s pack mule. Now, it felt a little awkward to carry only one thing, while your girlfriend carried more. 

Your rifle became completely redundant, since loading it was difficult enough with two arms. Even using a short sword felt weird, as you were still getting used to the balance of only having one arm. You would frequently stumble, trip and fall when you dealt a heavier blow, your body unable to keep itself upright. 

You were the type of person to gesticulate a lot while speaking, and you kept that habit. The sight of a stump wiggling around made people around you understandably uneasy. So, you decided to integrate a small cape into your outfit (picture something like Numeróbis had in Mission Cleopatra).

“Well, I’m not sure. My attendance could spoil the mood.” Sara rubbed her arm, shyly avoiding your gaze. 

“Oh come on, Tengu! Don’t be silly. You’re off the clock. Some carnival fun won’t do you any harm.” 

Sara sighs in response. “Alright Y/N, lead the way.”

You move to grab her hand, but you do it on instinct. Your non-existent left hand doesn’t reach hers, and you stop in your tracks. Sara sees your smile slowly falter, your shoulders sinking. It sends painful stabs through her heart, so she decides to act. Sara grabs your other arm, and pulls you towards the crowded market. 

“No slacking off!”

A few months passed, and the occasional bursts of sadness disappeared, and Sara could breathe a sigh of relief. Not for long, though. See, you developed a new coping mechanism in the form of humor. Dark humor, to be exact. 

Archons were you a menace to Sara society. 

The arm jokes were everywhere. In the morning, in the evening, at night even. 

Sara’s office door bursts open and you rush in. Sara quickly looks up from her paperwork, and gets up. You run up to the desk, placing a small lunchbox on the wood. 

“What’s the matter, Y/N?”

“Sara, I need a hand. Quickly.”

She opens her mouth to respond, but you are faster. 

“A hand, or rather an arm. Preferably the left one. Do you have any spare?”

The Tengu groans in frustration, her worry replaced with irritation now. 

“Y/N I swear to god…”

“Oh hey!” You turn to the decorative samurai armor in the corner of the room. “Maybe this guy has one?”

“Oh you little…” She summons her wings, but you manage to scurry away before she smacks you on the head with them. You run out of the building, big smile plastered on your face.

“Have a nice day, love you!”

She places a hand on her forehead, but she can’t be mad for long. She never could, and never will be.

The idea to get you a prosthetic arm was quickly realized. Sara, on account of her minimalistic lifestyle, had a mountain of Mora to take from, so she ordered the best replacement she could find. It turned out to be from a famous inventor of the Fontaine court. It looked very real, and it felt very real. Oh, what a mistake it was it wasn’t. 

Sometimes, you would leave the arm behind for shits and giggles. In a month’s time, most shopkeepers were aware of your actions, but the news apparently didn’t reach the shrine. So, you went there. Miko couldn’t stop laughing as you left one of the shrine maidens snow white, and the rest with a cardiac arrest risk, when your prosthetic fell off while taking a fortune slip. Amused by your actions, Miko joined forces with you to cause even greater havoc. Sometimes, Sara couldn't believe that the same guy that laughs along with Miko while Itto chases around a robotic arm Ei made for you is the same person with a crushing sense of guilt and constant nightmares. 

Sometimes she would even ask you about it. You would only reply:

"I may have lost my arm, but I didn't lose my sense of humor!" 

It's better to joke around than drown in despair, she thinks. Maybe it isn't that bad after all…

And some of your jokes can get her to laugh, which is always a good thing.

Yelan

With a shot to the stomach comes a very long, very unpleasant recovery. 

You were lucky enough to have Yelan by your side when it happened, else you would have surely perished. Even without any healing knowledge or practice, she managed to grow the wound together. As soon as the coast was clear, Yelan carried you on her back all the way to Bubu Pharmacy, where Baizhu took over. He had to open you up to clean up all the food content that spilled out on your other organs. It turned out that your liver was actually intact, making the situation a little less hopeless for you. In the six hours the good doctor was not only able to do that, but he also dared to cut the grown-together intestines apart, remove the damaged segments, and, being the expert that he is, stimulate your body to replace the tissue with his Vision. The operation was a great success, probably one of the most impressive feats of his career. Still, the sepsis infection was inevitable. 

The following three weeks were a nightmare for both you and Yelan. It was also then that the woman realized the feelings she held for you were something more, something greater. She considered you a couple, but in a “friends with benefits” type of way before. Seeing you on the verge of death made a lasting impact on her. 

It was a horrible sight in general. You were either unconscious for several hours in a row, delirious from the constant fever, or barely thinking straight. You said your goodbyes several times, explaining the dreams and what-ifs that inhabited your mind. Many of them had to do with her. You told her about the ideas for engagement you had. The places you could travel with her. The foods and activities you could try. Both this and the way you said it, eyes closed and words spoken in a hushed, exhausted tone, sent sharp spikes of pain through her heart. When Baizhu changed your dressings, Yelan was usually found sleeping next to you on a chair, or the couch. She wanted to be close in case of any… close calls gone wrong. 

For the duration of your recovery, Yelan didn’t work at all. This decision was greatly respected by Ningguang, of course. Your girlfriend explained the situation to her in detail, assuring that you were of no threat to Liyue as a whole. Whenever you could you shared vital information with the two to prove that. The Fatui were not ones to hope desperately for the survival of their soldiers, as most armies were. It was quite easy to fake your own death by using Yelan’s reputation alone. A lot of blood, only partly yours, and ragged clothing was enough to convince your superiors that Y/N was most likely dead. With a little help from Yelan, you found out that your family was receiving the proper compensation. 

You managed to fight through the sickness, and come out with more than just your life. Yelan proposed to you just days before. She thought that, since you couldn’t know if you’ll live to see another day, it would be best to work this out early. You said yes, of course. 

Sepsis, along with the injury, left long-lasting marks on your daily life. The damaged tissue wasn’t able to fully recover, leading to digestion problems. Baizhu obviously had a solution for that - a herbal brew full of the essential minerals and vitamins. It was obviously disgusting in taste, but what made it sweeter for you was the fact that the Tianquan was fitting the bill out of her own pocket. And your girlfriend frequently spoonfed you the mix, just because. 

Your limbs and muscles weren’t in the best condition, having been permanently weakened by your ailment. Sepsis has spread to your lungs, doing similar damage to them as well. All of this combined made physically-engaging work impossible. Yelan used her connections to get you a job as a consultant, intelligence expert and interrogation specialist at the Ministry of Civil Affairs. Having someone as experienced as you on their side sure was priceless in many difficult situations. 

Enough said, every interrogation of a Fatui started with these words:

‘I used to be an agent like you, but then I took a bullet to the stomach.”

Thanks for reading!

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x male reader #genshin x male reader #genshin impact fluff #genshin fluff #injury #fluff #post injury fluff #genshin impact hurt/comfort #genshin hurt/comfort #hurt/comfort #injury hurt/comfort #genshin impact kujou sara #genshin kujou sara #kujou sara #kujou sara x reader #kujou sara x male reader #kujou sara fluff #kujou sara hurt/comfort #genshin impact yelan #genshin yelan #yelan #yelan x reader #yelan x male reader #yelan fluff #yelan hurt/comfort #genshin x you

[whumping-seven-days-a-week]

Highway to Hell

(this is my new series and I’d love it if anyone could provide feedback)

@whumpcereal @darkthingshappen @oddsconvert @painsandconfusion @lonewhumper @shywhumpauthor @some-messed-up-writing-for-you (if you’re on this list then congrats, you’re my fave writers! Also I will not tag you again after this)

I will not lie this was a bit rushed but I felt so desperate to post something.

Part One

Tears cascaded down Kelsey’s cheeks as she let the door shut behind her. One more year she was constantly reminded. One more year. When other people tell her that, they seem to neglect the fact that a year is a long time.

She brushed the tears from her face and ran to the bathroom to examine her mascara streaks. Staring in the mirror has a funny effect on time. You feel like you were there for a couple of seconds when in reality you’ve been there for hours, thinking about your face. Your body. How bad it looks. How Jennifer from school has a flatter stomach than you. How Lana has a smaller nose. Endlessly wondering how you could be better.

Glancing at her watch she noticed it was only 11:45 and yet she was already home from school. Luckily her parents were at work until late today.

Choosing PE as an a-level was a bad idea. And not just because of the shitty nature of the subject itself. At her previous school, there had been separate changing rooms for each person, but here, they all got changed in one room. This wouldn’t have been a problem… except for her scars.

Thousands of marks littered across her back, and chest. Different methods for each one, some newer than the rest. If she was in a joking mood she might have called herself mixed media paper. Normally it’s only her that laughs.

Laughing is like a coping mechanism. Inside she might feel like shit but no worries, let’s make the conversation more awkward by joking about her trauma. It’s one of the reasons her therapist isn’t done with her.

She isn’t normally so sensitive when people notice her scars. But this time was different. They stared. They pointed. They whispered. Some of them even giggled. I mean what sort of person does that? Almost immediately she threw her shirt back on and dashed out of the room.

There were a bunch of burns too. The letter ‘c’ recurring almost everywhere. Cassian liked to do that. Mark her as his.

She scrubbed the mascara from her cheeks and made sure she was looking presentable. She didn’t know why, there was no way she was going back to school now. Not after the scene she just caused.

After unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out into the hallway, she headed to the kitchen to make herself some lunch. Most days she skipped lunch, but she didn’t have much else to do.

She pulled a knife from the block and started chopping the tomatoes. They looked a little old but she didn’t care. Just for a second, she could have felt certain she heard the upstairs floorboard creak. But who would be home? Not her dad- he’s in Spain for work and her mum was at some big work meeting.

‘Hey, Alexa! Play Kelsey’s mix’ she yelled to the device across the room. It was stress-relieving to yell. To shout. To scream. That one she worked out herself- no therapists required.

She hummed along to the tune and headed over to the trash can to peel the carrots. The only way she could ever cease the voices in her head was with music. She always managed to lose herself in it.

But then she heard a creak again. And this time it was louder. Closer.

Her head whipped around trying to find the source but there was no one there.

‘Mom!?’ she yelled apprehensively. Her anxiety was starting the build and her heart rate quickened, ‘are you there?’ Her voice was quieter that time. So quiet it was almost a whisper.

She placed the carrot on the counter and grabbed her knife from earlier. Whoever was there was not meant to be there.

‘I said, is anybody there.’ Kelsey tried to sound threatening but the fear in her voice was evident.

The police. She needed to call the police. Her eyes flicked to the counter but her phone wasn’t there. Shit. She left it in the bathroom.

Slowly, she made her way to the bathroom, almost tripping over a shoe. She locked the door behind her and grabbed her phone from the sink.

She began to dial the numbers. 9. 1. Then she looked up. Biggest mistake of her life.

‘Hey there baby doll, missed me?’ Cassian. Fuck. Fuck! His voice was cruel, laced with fake sweetness. In the mirror she could see him lurking in the far corner, pointing his gun at her.

She dropped her phone from fear, and as he walked towards her, stayed frozen. His eyes were a piercing blue, so bright you could see them from a mile away. They just made him more intimidating.

Kelsey stared. She stared for a while as he brought his hand to hold her face and as she shuddered under his grasp. Her mind desperately grasped for a way out. ‘I-I’ she stuttered, ‘I, Cassian, p-please, just-just leave me alone.’ Fear was choking her.

‘Listen here,’ he said, ‘you be a good girl and come with me and it won’t be as bad when we get home. How does that sound?’ Home. But not her home.

It took all of her strength to not follow him, lean into his gentle touches. Instead, she ran. Only a couple of steps to the door where she grabbed the doorknob. It didn’t open. It was locked.

Those couple of seconds trying to unlock the door cost her. Cassian was onto her in an instant, grabbing her and wrestling her to the floor. Sure, Kelsey threw some punches, but she was only small. 5,3 to be exact whilst Cassian was definitely at least 6 feet.

She was surprised her heart didn’t come crashing out of her chest at the ferocity of its pounding. Her eyes were streaming again.

He straddled her waist a began to look through his bag whilst Kelsey threw some weak punches. It was pathetic. But she’d rather be pathetic than give up.

When she tried to scream, it was as if her voice didn’t work. It was trapped in her throat as Cassian pulled a syringe.

‘I’d stay still if I were you.’ he laughed so casually. It was fucking demonic.

He held her head with one hand and injected the yellow liquid with the other.

It took effect almost immediately. The world began to spin and all of her remaining strength felt drained. She just about managed to slur a few words before rolling over onto her front, when the drug took control. The last thing she heard was her music.

Highway to Hell by AC/DC. Ironic.

#writing #whump scenario #whump series #whump writing #whumpblr #whump drabble #conditioned whumpee #pet whump #whumpee #please communicate with me #ladywhump #forced drugging #implied past torture #implied torture

[teyamsatan]

Hey! I’m so sorry if this is weird and overly personal, (which it totally is lol) and please feel free to ignore this if it’s too much! I’ve been following you for awhile and I love your work; I saw one of your responses to another ask where you talked about dealing with a tough childhood and I just wanted to ask if you had any advice for someone in the same boat? I grew up in an abusive home and I have a trauma therapist which has helped a lot, but I’ve never met anyone else who can relate, so it can feel really lonely when everyone else has a family except for you. I feel so badly about myself that I’ve never achieved anything great, but I’m trying hard to build some self-esteem so I can make something of myself. It seems like you’ve achieved so much, and I really admire how ambitious you are, so I wanted to see if you had any snippets of advice ❤️ I’m sorry this is so long and if you’re uncomfortable with answering then no problem! Lots of love 💕❤️

omg baby i'm going to cry! this means so much to me that you felt like you could come here and tell me this, don't ever feel like you're bothering me or it makes me uncomfortable, the way I'm trying to run this blog as much as I can is outside of the blue alien brainrot, i want this to be a safe space for you to be able to talk to me and to maybe get to escape the daily realities of this fucked up work, and if i can help in anyway, it is genuinely my honour!

i'm so so sorry to hear about everything you have been through, that sounds incredibly hard. unfortunately, my trauma does not come from necessarily my family, so I cannot even begin to understand how hard it must have been on you growing up in such tough conditions, and I am so sorry. I hope the therapist is understanding and helpful and is able to guide you in the best way possible.

don't ever say that you've never achieved anything great. baby, what i've learnt is that being alive, in today's day and age, in the horrible world we live in, finding the courage and strength to get up in the morning is an achievement in itself. i know it's hard to look internally and judge ourselves fairly. we will always be our harshest critics and our biggest enemies. i find myself in the same boat, and I always think I have not achieved enough, that there are better people than me who are more successful and much younger, but I try to remember that we all have our journey, and although our journey may not look like other people's, it doesn't make it less meaningful or less impactful.

it takes a while to find your footing in this world, and to find the people to help you along the way, and I think my advice is as simple as... just keep going. (tw for depression, suicidal thoughts). I have dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies since I was 13. I wanted to end my life many times, and there have been so many times where life seemed too harsh, too unfair, too difficult to see any light in it, but I promise that there is! And this world, as horrible as it is, is also beautiful, and this life worth living.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is continue going to therapy, try to find healthy coping mechanisms (mine was/is again writing, dancing, hyperfixating on silly little shows or movies or games, drawing, i knit for a while, i swim now, i am basically learning how to take my childhood back after it was taken from me and enjoying things I would have back then, it's extremely satisfying and therapeutic, i promise!), and talk to people, let it all out. Learn to own what happened and not let it have power over you or consume you. I did that for a long time - i was embarrassed about my past, and what i went through, i was scared to talk about it and afraid that i would be judged. i am not anymore. my past is my past, and it shaped me, but it doesn't define me anymore. I get to choose who I am and who I want to be moving forward, and once I realised that, everything got a lot better.

Again, I am always here, and feel free to drop me an ask/dm anytime you want to talk or vent. I love you and I am so proud of you and you are amazing <3 xoxoxoxo

#my asks 💕 #𖨆♡𖨆 andra's anonnies #i love you besties

[stanleysbuttonblog]

Stanley sighed as he stepped away from his laptop. He didn’t really want to go and deal with Xigbar, but all that screaming couldn’t be good. And now… fuck, was he breaking shit?

He had just wanted to spend a relaxing afternoon on tumblr. Finding some buttons. But no. Xigbar had to pull him into whatever drama was going on with {SCEPTER} and her ex. 

And you know what? Stanley would be alright with that. He liked helping people, and he wanted to help {SCEPTER}.

But Xigbar refused to tell him what was actually going on. He didn’t explain himself, and he just expected Stanley to trust him. Which Stanley did, but that doesn’t mean he understood.

Stanley would like to be able to understand things.

And beyond that– Xigbar was being rude! He wouldn’t accept any of Stanley’s advice or help! Why would he even talk to Stanley if he wouldn’t listen? And even if he disagreed, he didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.

He was annoying. Not quite as bad as the Narrator, but it was far less attractive on Xigbar. At least, as far as Stanley was concerned.

So, Stanley stepped outside, gave the other apartment door a quick one-two knock, didn’t wait for a response, and then entered.

It was madness inside.

Xigbar was tearing shit apart. Right now, he appeared to be on the ceiling, angrily kicking at the glass chandelier. Stanley could already see the rest of the wreckage littering the room.

"I told you, she's not fucking here-!" He snapped, glare flicking to Stanley. "Oh. Thought you were a Kin."

[Nope.] Stanley signed with a bit more tension than was typical. He smiled nervously. [So, she’s… still not here. Why are you destroying everything?]

"I'm not-" He actually looked around. "... I have reasons."

[Yeah. I’m asking you to share them? So I can know why? Since we’re trying to work together? And if you’re this unstable, I think… well, I don’t know, but this is certainly a problem.]

"I'M FINE."

[You are.] Stanley signed in agreement, and then he grimaced. [You’re. Dealing with this well. Not that I know what this is. I’d like to know what it is, because if this is a rational response, then it must be something awful. So.]

"You…" Xigbar paused for a second, then started barking out laughter. "Of fucking course you would say that. I can tell you don't think it. I can see it on your face. What, you afraid or something? I'm not gonna kill you."

[I’m not afraid of you. Of course you’re not going to kill me.] Stanley signed in confusion. [I. I do think it. But I don’t want to. My will. Dumbass.]

"So even that works. Good to know." He shook his head and dropped from the ceiling. "... I looked up her ex. He's a freak and at this point, I'm not even gonna shoot him. I'll tear him apart with my bare hands."

[Okay.] Stanley signed. [Good job. You’ll be able to do that later. How does destroying {SCEPTER}’s place help you?]

"The Kins will clean it up. It's not like she'll ever see it."

[I suppose so.] Stanley signed with a sigh. [It’s just… it feels irresponsible?]

"What was irresponsible was letting her get taken like that in the first place."

[It’s not like you had any choice. It seems like these things aren’t in your control; there was something more important than anyone here that took you to the Fuckable Old Man Battle. I think the same rules apply to her.]

"I control space itself. I could've found a way to keep her here if I hadn't-" He let out a roar of frustration and kicked the wall.

Stanley looked at the wall and took a few steps away from Xigbar.

[I don’t think you could have.] he signed with as much softness as he could convey. [But let’s say that was an option. The only thing you can do now is wait.]

"But I can't. I'm going fucking insane waiting, if that wasn't clear enough." 

[No, it’s very clear.] Stanley signed. [Almost painfully so. I’ve been trying to help you with that. I’m very used to… powerlessness. Or waiting. Or boredom. So I’ve got a few coping mechanisms in reserve.]

"... Like what." He's listening, at least. 

[Well, you don’t like my main one. It’s buttons. In case you couldn’t tell. Uh, there’s also meditation? Have you done that before?]

"Stanley, do you really think it would be a good idea to leave me alone with my thoughts right now?" 

[I can be there.]

"Why." Xigbar raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "Why are you even here at all?"

[Because I need to? You’re not happy. And also, you’re unstable. And someone as dangerous as you being unstable makes me want to run. But I can’t run. And you’re my friend, because you’re different. But also, you’re not. And–]

Stanley winced and clutched at his head.

"What, did she tell you that?" He scoffed. "She just doesn't know the truth. You've seen what I'm like."

[I know.] Stanley signed deliberately, his hands beginning to shake. [I know. I know. I fucking know. I know and it doesn’t help. I know that you’re ‘different’ first. My bones will not let me run. I cannot pull away. I am stuck. I know. I know what is going on and you know what is going on and you don’t care. And I know that I’m still going to be surprised the next time you hurt me. Because you’d never clear it. You’d never help me. This is too much fucking fun for you, isn’t it, you piece of shit.]

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUCKING FUN?!" Xigbar yelled. He dropped onto the remains of the couch and put his head in his hands, silent but heaving for air.

Stanley sighed, and walked over to Xigbar. He tapped on his shoulder to get his attention.

[No. You’re not. But it’s because of her. You’re only worried about {SCEPTER}]

"I'm not worried. I'm not. It's just my job."

[Yeah, a stressful job.] Stanley signed in agreement. [And she got kidnapped. And she’s with her freak of an ex. I’m worried.]

"... I just…" He sighed. Xigbar looked like a deflated balloon, all the fight in him from moments before gone. "I need to protect her."

[I know. You need to have the… energy to do that, though. Enough personal resource to give to her. And if you’re pulling this shit–]

Stanley gestured around the entire room.

[You’re gonna overwork yourself before you even come face-to-face with the guy. This isn’t productive, it’s sloppy. You’re not doing any sort of preparing, you’re throwing a fit.]

"Shut up. This is just- I don't know. It's not a fit."

[Is it something you want to be doing?]

"I didn't even want to be here in the first place. Especially not playing bodyguard and getting-" He cut himself off with a hiss of breath and shook his head again. "Whatever. Breaking things is still better than just sitting here."

[What part of that do you like?] Stanley signed, his demeanor shifting to one a bit more relaxed, now feeling like he was able to help. [Breaking things. What about it is appealing?]

"Are you trying to be my damn therapist now, or something?" Xigbar shot him a glare. "... It gets the energy out, I guess. An outlet."

[I’m trying to help. Right, loose energy. Hm. Most of my things wouldn’t do it, then. I’ve got… different problems. Although…]

"What?"

[The Narrator does have some problems with something kind of like that. And. Well, you can’t exactly…]

Stanley hmmed to himself and began mentally counting off, and subsequently ruling out, a few ideas.

[...have you ever played Minecraft?]

"Minecraft. You're suggesting Minecraft."

[You can explode stuff and create stuff. Risk-free, very convenient!]

"... I don't have it anymore. All my shit disappeared when the castle did." He didn't elaborate.

[You had a castle? Okay, you’re going to have to tell me that later. Uhm. Do you have a laptop or anything?]

"Or something. Showie had a laptop, but I don't know what she did with it."

[Well, I’m not giving you my laptop. But if we can find a laptop, I can sign into my account.]

Xigbar stayed silent for a minute. "Sucks there aren't any heartless here. Use 'em for target practice."

Stanley stared at Xigbar, blinked, and then decided to ignore that.

[Right so the Kins don’t really ‘get’ my ASL all the time and I really hate having to write shit down. So how about you get try and get a laptop, and then I’ll help you play Minecraft.]

"Nah, they all hate me. No idea why. You should've seen the look one of them gave me the other day."

[...I am not leaving you alone with my laptop, {STRIPES}. I need that. It has buttons.]

"I'm not asking you to. You've got one hell of a one track mind with those buttons." 

[Yeah.]

"Reminds me of a kid I used to know. He was so focused on his little friend it made him turn traitor."

[Wait a second.] Stanley signed, in sudden realization. [Do you want to monologue? You want to monologue, don’t you.]

"I'm not monologuing to you. You don't need to know all my dirty little secrets."

[I don’t want to ‘learn your secrets’. But fine. Write it down. In a diary, or something. Ha! You are similar to Narry, you need to talk about what you’re thinking, that’ll help!]

"Ew. Don't compare me to him. Swear to god, I'll shake that snowglobe so hard. Better yet, make you shake it."

Stanley paled and stepped far away. Near to the door, even.

[Right so you seem better now.] he signed nervously. [So I’m gonna leave and things will all be fine and cool in like a week! So just! Stay positive and don’t hurt him!]

"He's fine. He would've died a long time ago if he was gonna."

[Just because you aren’t dead doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.] Stanley signed emphatically, and began to walk back to his apartment.

"Whatever. You know half the time, Showie’s the one asking me to shake him? Won't do it herself, but she likes to watch."

Stanley stopped walking away, but didn’t turn around. He might have signed something, but if he did, it was only for himself.

He walked back to his apartment quicker than before, and slammed the door shut.

#ooc #lore update

[coloneljamesmoriarty]

oc asks part 2, for jovial - 2, 4, 7, 8, 9, 15

2. Is there a meaning behind their name, or a particular reason why they have it? (either in the story, or why you as the author decided to give them their name)

Jovial's name is a ✨TRIPLE THREAT✨

ONE Jovial means 'characterized by a hearty, joyous humor' which is exactly the kind of person he is and wants to be, inflicting joy is how he practices his faith. He wanted to take on a virtue name for reasons (separate himself from parents, find community with tieflings, better represent himself, he is trans) and Jovial is literally perfect for him in-universe

TWO we step out into the abstract a little here and Jovial is derived from the planet Jupiter named after the Roman god of the same name. So we get the divine connotation, perfect for a priest

THREE speaking of Jupiter, in mythos he was known for using lighting bolts to strike down his enemies. And here Jovial is, a tempest cleric, highly fond of using lightning himself

It's literally perfect for him.

His given name is infernal and given to him by his birth parents, which is a problem in itself, and his assigned surname is Scordato, which means 'left behind' which is just what people called him because he didn't have a last name otherwise. He much prefers that people just call him Jovial.

4. Do they have any underlying motivations? (ie they seem hard-working but secretly just don’t want to fall back into poverty, etc)

Jovial does not want anyone else to hurt like he has. He wants to offer to the people of his town the same support that he was once offered. He wants to be a constant that people can rely on.

7. What is their biggest insecurity?

Jovial fundamentally believes that he is not enough. No matter what he does no one will stay around for him.

8. What is their coping mechanism?

Pray harder. Throw himself even more into his beliefs than he already has (impossible). Work out or spar with someone until he is too tired to think.

9. What is their main love language? (gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation)

Jovial would say that his main love language is physical touch, but it's actually quality time, it's just that quality time is SOOOO far above everything else that it's like. Yeah, that's just a basic need. Fortunately you can't have physical touch without quality time so it works out for him. After that is acts of service, then gifts. Words of affirmation would probably actually do damage to his relationships.

15. Has their personality changed at all since they were a child? Why?

I don't think he's changed so much since he was a child and more just stabilized. Like yes he absolutely had horrible emotional control as a child because of aforementioned abandonment issues. He got over that and now he is basically just a big overgrown child in the most positive way.

#jovial tag #thank yoU!!!!!

[jimothysomebody]

Imbibe (an entry)

I think it's time I've come to terms that I once again seem to be struggling with some degree of alcoholism, if not regular alcoholic tendencies. Perhaps even twice a month on weekends are excessive, at least given the amount I tend to prefer to drink which is... to excess. Not for any occasion, other than making it to the weekend, other than being able to procure a bottle, other than being able to pour enough, which is always too much.

I've struggled periodically with this, it usually gets to a point where I become concerned, swear off booze for an extended period of time before I very gradually ease back into old habits. Stress doesn't help, nor the reality that I will to some degree need to cope with far more stress than I'd like, far more often than I'd like. I suppose I'm experiencing a moment of clarity, I might even dare to say optimism. I suppose there is comfort in knowing what I'm capable of, knowing this isn't my first rodeo with this. The problem with addressing any problem or addiction, it's simply not enough to eliminate the vice, the vice must also be replaced with healthier coping mechanisms whilst also assessing the root of the problem. Just what is my problem, anyways? Aside from restraint, self discipline, abstention from vice?

I suppose it's not unrealistic to say it could be in relation to the absence of antidepressants or anxiety medications I had previously been taking, and the sometimes complicated explanations I have for why I'm not still on them, some rational, many irrational... but where mental health is concerned the irrational is often not very far away, from my own personal experiences and struggles with it anyways. But even those are just useful tools, temporary means of respite from something deeper still, seemingly immutable. Another large reason, honestly? It also provides respite... it calms me, it simply feels good, each drink or shot is itself one in a sequence of explosions that levels the barricades I place between myself and the world, which grow like gnarled thorns, cancer, stone walls rising from the earth like mountain ranges, and it all just recedes with every sip.

In some capacity, I accept I will always struggle with this, and with other vices, bad habits and the like, but it is through these struggles that there will also be moments of reprieve, victories, moments where the storm in my mind dissipates, if only to overcast skies... I can settle for that, if I must, considering the alternatives. No, no I wouldn't mind that at all. Addressing all the underlying issues, the stressors, however large or small which lead to these inclinations to imbibe... that, however, I'm not looking forward to... not at all.

#An entry #Jimothy does an entry

[demonic-shadowlucifer]

The Downsides of Hyperfixations

(Originally posted on Instagram. I'm moving it here for archival purposes. Additional sidenote: This is mostly from my own experiences, so keep in mind it's different for everyone!) Something I rarely see talked about is the downsides of hyperfixations. So here we go. What is a hyperfixation? (Regular text: What is a hyperfixation?) A hyperfixation refers to focus on a certain subject for an extended period of time. The subject can be anything from video games, TV shows, sports, even people! A hyperfixation can last for hours, weeks, months, maybe even a year. They are one of the common traits in neurodivergent folks, mainly in ADHD and autistic individuals, but also other neurodivergent folks. Hyperfixations aren't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in can be seen as a coping mechanism to some folks. However, they're also not always fun either. So, what are the downsides of hyperfixations? The downsides. (Regular text: The downsides) For one, hyperfixations can disrupt daily life. They are usually meant to block out negativity in life, but it can also result in forgetting to do important things like homework, chores, and can result in individuals ignoring their own mental health. In addition, hyperfixations are *incredibly* hard to break. To some, hyperfixations can feel like addictions. This can be extremely troublesome, especially if someone is trying to focus on something more important, if someone's trying to stop hyperfixating on problematic content, or if the hyperfixation itself is unhealthy and dangerous. And sometimes, even when folks seem to stop fixating on the subject, they end up dragged back into it. This cycle continues for a while and can result in burnout in the end. My experiences with hyperfixation troubles. (Regular text: My experiences with hyperfixation troubles) Some of you might know I'm a very big hockey fan. Not quite a diehard, but a big fan nonetheless. On some occasions, though, hockey has become more than a sport to me. It has also become a major hyperfixation of mine, an escape. But, of course, it has it's disadvantages. There have been several moments where I tried to get rid of the hyperfixation. Usually because of things going on within the sport. Things I can't control. By that, I mean scandals left and right, players and even fans doing stupid shit, etc. Problem is, whenever I tried to break away, I usually end up getting dragged back into it. And I return to enjoying it only for another inconvenience to happen, even if it's something small. I try to take a break, and repeat. It became a never ending cycle, and thus I ended up with *really* bad burnout. It's getting better though, thankfully. How to break away if necessary. (Regular text: How to break away if necessary). As I mentioned earlier, hyperfixations tend to go away on their own in a few hours or days. However, it can take weeks or months, or longer to make them go away. What I advice is to set reminders on things that are much more important, and set limits for yourself if needed.

#long post #lets talk about stuff #adhd #actually autistic #reblog safe #shadowchats #autistic problems #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #neurodiversity #hyperfixation #liom

[umbrrage-arch]

I’m  due  to  spew  some  bullshit  so  that  last  post  is  a  good  representation  of  what  Shadow  has  convinced  himself  death  is  gonna  be  like,  which  might  explain  why  he  wants  to  die  so  bad  but  like  he  can’t  just  justify  taking  his  own  life  because  he  knows  he's  there  for  a  reason,  a  reason  given  to  him,  however,  by  the  person  he  just  wants  “to  get  back  to”,  which  is  why  instead  of  being  outright  suicidal  Shadow  is  indirectly  suicidal.  Eg  he  will  do  risky  things  &  gamble  with  his  own  life;  he’s  the  first  to  put  himself  in  dangerous  situations,  in  the  hope  they’ll  be  life  threatening  &  that  by  some  twist  of  fate  it’ll  end  him.  I  also  spoke  about  Shadow  having  some  pretty  /  debatably  unhealthy  coping  mechanisms,  but  didn’t  go  into  a  lot  of  detail.  These  rage  from  the  more  subtle  like  Shadow’s  love  of  consuming  violent  /  dark  media  ( which  is  more  debatably  unhealthy  than  outright  unhealthy.  Its  kinda  “desensitized”  him  some  which  can  be  thought  of  as  a  good  thing.  Despite  Shadow’s  trauma  being  born   from  &  associated  with  violence  &  such  Shadow  finds  games  that  detail  a  lot  violence  &  gore  to  be  kind  of  therapeutic  because  he  has  complete  control  over  the  situation  &  can  even  use  it  as  a  outlet  to  vent  his  anger/darker  impulses  with  no  harm  done  to  anyone  real  )  to  the  more  explicitly  dangerous  which  manifests  itself  in  Shadow  slightly  impulsive,  even  thrill  seeking  behaviour.  This  includes  participating  in  illegal  racing,  getting  himself  into  fights  &  doing  other  dangerous  things   &  taking  part  in   sometimes  “” criminal  behaviours.”” 

This  is  why,  Shadow,  despite  his  otherwise  “heroic”  disposition  &  intentions,  can  be  tempted  to  say,  join  a  dangerous  street  race  despite  the  fact  he  actually  doesn’t  have  any  interest  in  the  cash  prize,  like  say,  Rouge  might. 

This  is  actually  why,  despite  genuinely  considering  Rouge  &  Omega  his  friends,  that  Shadow’s  an  active  member  of  team  dark.  It  might  seem  that  Shadows  overall  goals  &  general  behaviours  are  not  really  suitable  to  Team  Dark  which  is  true  on  the  surface.  Shadow  is  not  selfish  &  greedy  by  nature,  he  doesn’t  have  much  interest  in  material  things  the  way  Rouge  does  or  obtaining  them  by  underhanded  means  &  neither  does  he  actually  crave  wanton  murder  &  destruction  like  Omega.  He’s  not  fuelled by  hate  &  revenge  the  way  Omega  tends  to  be.  What  Shadow  is  though  is  damaged  &  angry.  Its  this  sort  of  need  for  self  harm  by  proxy  &  an  outlet  for  his  trauma  &  grief  that  sees  Shadow  as  typically  going  along  with  whatever  slightly-less  than  virtuous  nonsense  Rouge  &  Omega  might  be  up  to.  Therefore  theft  &  violence/destruction  are  absolutely  not  beyond  Shadow’s  participation.  &  Shadow  doesn’t  have  a  capacity  to  judge  either  Rouge  or  Omega  for  their  own  “issues”  because  he  doesn’t  see  the  problem  if  no  one  is  really  getting  hurt  save  for  some  of  Eggman’s  creations.  Its  mostly  just  a  good  time  in  his  eyes.  Its  kinda  like  Adeline  hits  like  serotonin  for  him  which  is  the  shortest,  sweetest  way  to  explain  it.  I  also  think  Shadow  finds  this  type  of  thing  to  be  a  healthy  outlet  for  all  the  dangerous  /  predatory  instincts  he  has  that  are  naturally  ingrained  into  him  via  his  Black  Arms  ancestry.  &  this  may  also  double  as  a  reason  for  why  Shadow  feels  a  sense  of  . . . Joy  from  fighting  &  maiming.  He  takes  it  out  on  Eggman’s  robots  the  way  Omega  does  which  is  an  outlet  for  it  that  prevents  it  from  manifesting  toward  others.  Shadow  keeps  this  under wraps  to  the  best  of  his  ability  but  it  is  nice  to  have  something  to  just  let  loose  on  that  he  knows  he  cant  cause  actual  harm  toward   &  that  is  really  just  doing  everyone  else  a  favour.  (  Also  to  note  Shadow  only  hunts  &  harms  the  non-sentient  Eggman  robots.  The  ones  with  very  basic  programming  &  no  ability  to  express  actual  thoughts  or  emotion.  Shadow  would  not  treat  Cubot,  Orbot  or  even  Metal  Sonic  in  the  entirely  same  way  he’d  treat  an  Eggpawn  or  any  other  of  Eggman’s  drones. He’s  much  more  understanding  &  compassionate,  even  empathetic  toward  them  just  like  he  is  with  Omega. )   This  is  all  kind  of  on  top  of  Shadow’s  tendency  to  avoid  facing  his  feelings/anger  in  any  other  way  /  his  frequency  for  shutting  others  out  /  isolating  himself   from  other  people.  He  tends  to  outright  reject  help  because  Shadow’s  pride  is  also  a  factor  here.  He  feels  a  sense  of  shame  expressing  any  kind  of  struggle  or  difficulty  because  he’s  the  ultimate  lifeform  &  he  feels  that  tile  means  he  shouldn’t  need  help. 

#⊰ ° ‧: ☢️ * ● ⌖ ° ━◞ OUT OF CHARACTER ⊱ #⊰ ° ‧: ☢️ * ● ⌖ ° ━◞ HEADCANONS ⊱ #headcanons #suicidal ideation cw #suicidal tendencies cw

[udo0stories]

Is agoraphobia defined? Agoraphobia, which means "fear of the marketplace," is frequently confused with a fear of public places. More precisely, though, it is the fear of feeling anxious, panicked, or distressed in circumstances from which there is no easy way out. People who are afraid of large crowds often stay in places they feel comfortable, like their homes or neighborhoods. Even when their fear is unfounded, they steer clear of activities like driving, going on solo walks through town, grocery shopping, and going to public gatherings. If you suffer from agoraphobia, you probably already know how this avoidance pattern can negatively impact your life. In extreme circumstances, you might not feel safe leaving your house. Even in less severe situations, you might adhere to a daily schedule, never deviating from it when traveling to work or school. Alternatively, you can rely on safety measures to get by, like sitting close to the emergency exit when using public transportation. You might also choose to miss significant occasions like graduations, reunions, weddings, and funerals. and turn down significant chances like job offers or romantic dates. The outside world can seem unsettling and dangerous to someone who suffers from agoraphobia. It is possible that you often tell yourself, "I cannot trust myself to remain composed out there." Panic will get the better of me." This "anticipatory anxiety" that prevents you is the worry about possible future problems. Sadly, the more avoidance you engage in, the more you will question your capacity for handling stress. However bad your agoraphobia is, you can still make changes. You can experience all of life's possibilities once more, and your world can grow. There may be discomfort along the way, but that discomfort is usually a sign of progress. Understanding your fear, learning coping mechanisms, and reevaluating how you view anxiety are the first steps in the process. Agoraphobia’s relationship to panic disorder Recurrent panic episodes, which are abrupt bursts of extreme anxiety, are the hallmark of panic disorder. Symptoms of these attacks include dizziness, shortness of breath, chest pain, and a detached feeling from the environment. A number of experts think that agoraphobia is a variation or side effect of panic disorder. This is because agoraphobics frequently confine themselves to their safe places because they fear panic attacks and experience anticipatory anxiety. Research does indicate that agoraphobia can, on occasion, manifest itself in the absence of panic disorder. Rather than having a panic attack, a person may fear violence, infection, or humiliation if they are in public. As a result, agoraphobia and panic disorder are now recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as distinct but frequently co-occurring disorders. Symptoms of agoraphobia A small percentage of people—about 1.7%—have agoraphobia. Before the age of 35, symptoms typically appear, with late adolescence and early adulthood being the most vulnerable. Agoraphobia can also strike older people, though it is less frequently linked to panic attacks. You must exhibit fear of and avoidance of at least two of the following scenarios in order to receive a formal diagnosis of agoraphobia: using a vehicle or bus as a form of public transportation. being in public areas, like parking lots. being in enclosed areas like movie theaters or retail stores. Being in a crowd or in line with other people. Leaving your house unattended. These activities can cause such severe anxiety that you have to completely avoid them, experience extreme distress when performing them, or require the assistance of another person to complete them. The fear is excessive compared to the real threat, persists for at least half a year, and disrupts your daily activities. A mental health specialist should also rule out any other possible explanations for your symptoms. They will take into account

things like whether you are dealing with a different phobia or whether abusing drugs is having an impact on your mental health. Similar and co-occurring conditions Many individuals who suffer from agoraphobia may also fit the criteria for another diagnosis, most likely one related to another anxiety disorder like social anxiety disorder or panic disorder. A few conditions that could coexist with or be confused with agoraphobia are as follows: panic attack. It is most likely the case that panic disorder and agoraphobia coexist. A person may develop agoraphobia as a result of their fear of unexpected, frequent panic attacks. But panic attacks can also occur in the absence of agoraphobia. [Read: Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks] Particular fear. A specific phobia may be diagnosed in place of agoraphobia if your unreasonable fears are focused on a specific kind of situation. Claustrophobia is a type of specific fear that is sometimes confused with agoraphobia. It is the fear of enclosed spaces. anxiety in social situations. One of the symptoms of social anxiety is the fear of being judged by others. Avoiding social situations, like parties and other crowded events, due to anxiety can be mistaken for agoraphobic avoidance. anxiety disorder related to separation. This disorder is characterized by a fear of being cut off from your home or from reliable people, such as close friends or family. Some research shows that people who experience separation anxiety disorder are more likely to struggle with panic disorder and agoraphobia. PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. You may avoid situations, people, and places that directly remind you of your traumatic past if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If your avoidance of places like theaters or grocery stores is the result of PTSD, it might be misdiagnosed as agoraphobia. The main distinction is that agoraphobics stay away from circumstances, even if they have nothing to do with trauma. severe depression. If you are depressed, you might want to spend a lot of time by yourself or isolate yourself. But rather than being a result of panic and anxiety, this self-isolation is more the result of apathy or a lack of energy. Causes of agoraphobia You might be able to link your agoraphobia and panic disorder to a particular event, such as your initial panic attack. Your body trembling, your heart thumping, the sensation that the room is spinning, an inexplicable sense of losing reality, and feelings of impending disaster. It is an intense encounter that you probably will not want to have again. From then on, you might have started avoiding events like parties, concerts, or small get-togethers that could bring you back to that terrifying state. Your entire world contracted until you were confined to a tiny bubble. However, why are you experiencing this? An excessive stress response, also known as the "fight-or-flight" response, is the cause of anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia. Your body releases a rush of adrenaline and cortisol when it senses danger, readying you to take action and either fight or run. However, there are situations in which the stress response is triggered even in the absence of real danger, which can result in phobias, panic attacks, and other disorders. first step towards conquering agoraphobia: is to increase your drive to deal with the problem Many times, a series of lifestyle adjustments can be used to manage agoraphobia. But leaving your comfort zone is a necessary step on the road to recovery. Thus, begin by getting yourself mentally ready for the trip. Think about what you could acquire after conquering your fears. Make a list of the things you would do or the objectives you would achieve if agoraphobia did not get in the way. For example: Travel by car to see relatives who live in a different city. Visit a nearby theme park and explore. Invite friends to lunch. Take a loved one on a trip abroad. You can go one step further with this exercise and use a journal entry to describe your dreams in more detail.

For lunch, where would you like to take your friends? What are you going to order? When you go to an amusement park or travel overseas, which attractions are you most interested in seeing? When you realize how agoraphobia has limited your life, you might be more inclined to confront your fears, even though it will hurt. Find inspiration in agoraphobia support groups You may become more optimistic, inspired, and knowledgeable about agoraphobia and panic disorder by learning about the coping mechanisms used by others. Support groups can help you feel understood and less alone in your struggles, in addition to offering motivation. The nature of agoraphobia may make it easier to locate online support groups. On the other hand, there are groups that allow you to bring a support person or that progress to in-person sessions. For even more inspiration, search for books, websites, and podcasts about people who have overcome agoraphobia. Tip 2: Challenge inner negativity If you suffer from agoraphobia, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about the worst-case situation. For instance, you might picture yourself having a panic attack the day before a trip. Your plans are then undermined by the anxiety of anticipation. Or negative phrases like "I cannot handle this" keep coming back to you. It is possible for a pessimistic outlook to become so ingrained in your thinking that you lose awareness of it. Thus, get better at spotting cognitive distortions—irrational, detrimental, and unhelpful perspectives on the world. Seek out: Thinking that is all or nothing: "I will have a full-blown panic attack if I step outside the house." Making snap judgments: "I know I will panic and look foolish at the grocery store." "I will have a panic attack that will lead to a heart attack" is a catastrophizing statement. Label: "My phobia is agoraphobia." This is who I will always be." Reducing the positive: "Yesterday, I managed to leave the house, but this progress will not last." Consider the evidence. Consider "Is there evidence to support this?" when you have these kinds of thoughts. You can probably think of instances in which you went outside without having a panic attack. Furthermore, the fact that you are still alive indicates that panic episodes are not lethal. Try thinking in the opposite direction. Try to replace pessimistic thoughts with optimistic ones or more grounded expectations. Try saying, "I can overcome this by learning to cope with my anxieties," as opposed to, "I will always be agoraphobic." When you do this, associate your thoughts with a clear mental picture. Picture yourself taking a leisurely stroll around your neighborhood or riding the bus in peace. Make statements to help you cope. Coping statements are brief mantras that help you stay grounded in reality and boost your self-assurance in trying circumstances. "It is common for everyone to experience anxiety." "A panic attack will not end my life. It is just nervousness. "A panic episode passes quickly. It will go." "I have previously experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks." You can make a list that feels more tailored to your needs, or you can use the examples above as inspiration. Tip 3: Find calm through breath control Your body tries to take in more oxygen during a panic attack, which often results in hyperventilation, or rapid breathing. This causes a brief imbalance between oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood, which can cause common panic symptoms like lightheadedness. Practicing breathing techniques can reduce or even prevent hyperventilation. Lengthening your exhale is the aim of most breathing exercises. Your nervous system is calmed as a result, which lessens symptoms like a racing heart rate. When anxiety levels are rising, it can be challenging to think clearly, so commit one of the following strategies to memory: Basic-paced breathing Take a two- to four-second, slow breath through your nose. As you inhale, let the air fill and expand your belly and chest.

Make sure to take a four- to six-second deep breath out through your pursed lips, taking longer than the inhale. As needed, repeat. 4-4-8 breathing Breathe in slowly through your nose as you count to four. As you count to four, hold your breath. Shut your mouth and release your breath as you count to eight. Go through the steps multiple times. Cyclic sighing Take a slow, deep breath via your nose. Inhale deeply and briefly to fill your lungs even more. Breathe out slowly through your lips. For roughly five minutes, repeat. [Listen: Meditation with Mindful Breathing] Tip 4: Experiment with the DARE method In his book “DARE: The New Way to End Anxiety,” author Barry McDonagh describes a four-step method for dealing with feelings of anxiety and panic. The foundation of this approach is the notion that anxiety is nothing to be afraid of. Really, it is just your body making an erroneous defense mechanism to keep you safe. So try to ride the waves of anxiety instead of fighting against them. Dare isn't necessarily about calming you down. It's about reframing your relationship to anxiety. The goal is to get to the point where the symptoms don't scare or upset you. Step 1: Defuse. "What if" statements are a source of anxiety and panic. For instance, you might worry, "What if this anxiety turns into a panic attack?" when you leave the house. or "What happens if I have a panic attack for a long time?" In response to these ideas, ask yourself, "So what?" Tell yourself that you have had panic attacks in the past and have always recovered. Step 2: Accept and allow the feelings. Try to observe the physical symptoms and thoughts without categorizing them as “good” or “bad.” Maybe your heart is beating hard, or you feel yourself shaking a bit. You don’t need to stop or control any of it. They’re just temporary bodily sensations. It might help to visualize anxiety as a harmless creature that shows up on occasion. Greet it and allow it to exist. It should begin to dissipate on its own. Step 3: Run toward it. Say, "This feeling is not a threat," if the first two steps do not work and you start to feel panicky. I get excited by this sensation." Encourage the intensity of the symptoms to rise. That could seem illogical at first. But it also gives you the opportunity to fully experience the physical symptoms you have been afraid of before realizing they are not dangerous. During this step, remember that fear and excitement are similar in that they’re both states of high energy—both involve a surge of adrenaline. The main difference is your perception of all that energy. Reframe it as a brief, harmless wave that you can choose to ride until it recedes. Step 4: Engage. When you're idle, you might be pulled back into ruminating. Instead, move on to an activity that occupies your full attention. Talk to a friend, read a book, or go for a bike ride. Engaging isn't about distracting yourself. It's about accepting that anxiety is present but not blocking you from going about your life. When anxiety intrudes, go through the steps of Dare again. Tip 5: Work your way up a fear ladder A fear ladder is a method of gradually exposing yourself to things that make you anxious or panicky. Over time, you realize you can tolerate each situation, as well as the intense emotional discomfort you experience in those moments. This is a common approach to treating specific phobias and irrational fears, and it may prove effective for agoraphobia as well. Start by brainstorming a list of situations that trigger your panic. The list could include “leaving home alone” or “sitting in a movie theater.” Try to rank those fears from least to most intense. Next, expose yourself to each situation, starting with the one that feels the least anxiety-inducing. A sample fear ladder: Step 1: Sit on the front porch for 20 minutes. Step 2: Go for a walk around the neighborhood with a close friend. Step 3: Follow the same walking route alone. Step 4: Walk to a bus stop and take a short bus ride with a friend.

Step 5: Repeat the bus ride alone. Step 6: Take a longer bus ride alone. Some things to keep in mind as you do this are: Practice minimizing safety behaviors, such as distracting yourself, sitting near an emergency exit, or gripping a loved one’s hand. The goal is to actually experience the discomfort. Rely on healthier coping strategies, such as DARE. Stick to confronting the same “rung” or fear until you feel ready to move up the ladder. You can modify each situation to make it slightly easier. For example, you might practice riding an empty bus before riding at a busier time. Expect your anxiety to rise as you enter the situation, but reduce in time. The amount of time it takes for your anxiety to subside will vary. Be patient with yourself. Tip 6: Practice self-care Basic self-care won’t be a miracle cure for agoraphobia, but it can go a long way in reducing your overall anxiety levels. Here are a few habits to stick to each day: Make time for physical activity. Exercise is a great way to de-stress, release tension, and improve your mood. Certain forms of exercise, such as running, can potentially serve as exposure therapy for someone with agoraphobia. Prolonged exercise sessions allow you to get used to physical sensations that you typically try to avoid, including rapid breathing and an increased heart rate. In addition, activities like running and biking let you practice stepping outside of “safe areas,” such as your home or neighborhood. Get plenty of quality sleep. Sleep deprivation or low sleep quality can spike your anxiety levels. Make it a goal to get between seven and nine hours of rest each night. If sleep doesn’t seem to come easy, take steps to adjust your sleep environment, experiment with relaxation techniques, or control your exposure to light. [Read: How to Fall Asleep Fast and Sleep Better] Connect with loved ones. Knowing that you have social support can improve your mood, improve your mental health, and ease the pain of loneliness. Regularly invite friends and family members to spend time with you in a comfortable environment, such as your home. You could also try to stay connected through video calls or texts. Later, when you have a better grip on your fear, practice visiting them for face-to-face time. Break away from self-medicating behaviors. People with agoraphobia often turn to substances like drugs and alcohol to help them cope. You might find that you're less apprehensive about going into public spaces if you have a few drinks beforehand. This can put you at risk of developing a separate substance-abuse disorder that will also affect your health. In addition, substances such as alcohol actually increase your anxiety in the long run. Professional treatment If self-help strategies aren’t enough, talk to your physician or mental health professional about therapy or medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be effective for dealing with anxiety disorders and can be done in-person or online. The premise of CBT is that your thinking patterns affect your feelings and drive unhealthy behaviors. For example, your perception that you can’t cope with a panic attack leads you to avoid leaving your home or neighborhood. A CBT therapist can help you examine how you perceive the world, shift your thinking, and develop healthier patterns of behavior. [Read: Therapy for Anxiety Disorders] Speak to a Licensed Therapist BetterHelp is an online counseling program that connects you with certified, licensed therapists who specialize in treating anxiety, depression, relationships, and other issues. After completing the assessment, you can find a therapist in as little as 48 hours. Make an assessment. HelpGuide is maintained by users. If you use BetterHelp's services after clicking through from this website, we receive a commission. Study up on it Medication If you’re struggling with severe agoraphobia, a doctor might prescribe you medication to reduce your symptoms. Some forms of medication could include:

Selective serotonin receptor inhibitors (SSRIs) Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) Benzodiazepines Each anxiety medication can come with different side effects, so you might have to try several before you find a good match. Medication may also be more effective when used in combination with therapy and self-help techniques. How to help someone with agoraphobia If you have a friend or family member who’s struggling with agoraphobia, you may feel a combination of concern and exhaustion. You might be concerned about how avoidance and isolation are affecting their mental health or frustrated about their tendency to cancel plans or leave early. Sometimes, you may want to just drag them out into the sunlight and force them to face the world. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Here are a few steps you can take to actually help your loved one: Learn as much as you can. Read books, listen to podcasts, and talk to mental health experts. The more you know, the better positioned you'll be to provide help. If possible, expand your knowledge beyond agoraphobia and learn about anxiety disorders in general. Knowing how to help your loved one through a panic attack can be especially helpful. Don't set a timeline for their recovery. Each person's journey can differ based on factors like the severity of their condition and the types of setbacks they experience. Your loved one might seem to be doing better one week, only to be housebound again the next. Be patient and supportive of their efforts to leave their safety zones. You might have a hard time understanding their fears, but don't trivialize their struggles or make comments like, “Riding the bus is easy!” Don’t try to pressure them into doing things they’re not ready to do. Ask them what their specific needs are. On a bad day, they might need a ride to work because they’re terrified of taking public transportation. But be realistic about what you can offer. If you don't have the time to help, maybe you can ask someone else who can. Help them help themselves. You can't force another person to seek help, but you can nudge them in the right direction and offer encouragement. This could involve anything from helping them find a therapist to brainstorming a fear ladder to climb. Your role is to support them in their recovery, not take responsibility for their recovery. Believe that they can overcome this challenge with you by their side. Whether it’s you or a loved one who’s experiencing agoraphobia, be patient and know that the goal isn’t to erase anxiety completely. Anxiety is natural, so when experiencing the symptoms, don’t think of it as a step backwards. The goal is to recognize that you can endure and work with uncomfortable feelings. Once you have that sense of confidence, agoraphobia can’t hold you back from living a full life.  

#HealthandWellness #Agoraphobia #HelpGuide.org #Symptoms #Treatment

[creppersfunpalooza]

☄️ Comet - Who is your most self destructive character? Why are they like that?

🌑 New moon - Who is your most mysterious character? Are they different from what people assume?

☄️ : I had to think about this actually. My initial thought was Koi. I mean, just look at him. He keeps digging himself a deeper hole by indulging in unhealthy habits and has no respect for himself anymore. Yeah, it gets better over time, but he’s a little pathetic at first.

and then I realized that it’s not Koi. It’s never been Koi.

ITS THIS GUY RIGHT HERE!!

quick cw shoehorned in here: quick and brief mentions of addiction, implications of domestic abuse, self destructive tendencies, and that should be it but just be careful going into it yeah OH WAIT SHIT I FORGOT THE BODY HORROR

yes, i know he looks similar to TBR, yes, that is intentional (they’re brothers). This right here is Whitey. Both Whitey and TBR were highly intelligent, with Whitey’s intellect and magical brilliance being apparent from a very young age. He, however, is also a very insecure person. He could even be considered a pushover. He wants to blend in to a crowd. He has aspirations but unlike TBR, he sees them as unrealistic and settles for second best. He becomes a lawyer because he thinks it would keep his mind working, but falls into a spiral of uncertainty and incompleteness. This leads him down a path of unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms (gambling addiction and drinking problems), until it eventually fucks him over so bad that he gets himself into a situation he can’t get out of. Like big time. It’s a little hard to explain since I’m still making rewrites, but he gets into a pretty terrible relationship and gets trapped in it (i promise this isn’t as common of a theme as it seems to be in my stories between him and rosé loll). He loses his will entirely and is slowly driven further to the brink of what he can handle. It gets to a point where he’s trying to think of any possible way to make do with the lifestyle he’s been forced into, going as far as to consider something pretty damn close to lobotomizing himself. And in the end? What does it all come to? He’s killed by one of the few people he felt like he could still trust. At his tipping point where he’s about ready to give up, when his option is to either fight or die, he makes his choice.

and yeah uhm the god of death isn’t too happy about that and pretty much just keeps him in purgatory because she felt a bit petty (she made a bet on his life). it’s a lot to explain and i can do a deeper explanation on it but not right now because i’m not feeling too motivated to talk abt him. still thinking a lot abt some of my other guys.

🌑: Most mysterious? hmmmmmm. It’d either go to Bliss or one of the creations of death. Bliss is from another time and plane. She’s very arrogant and thinks of her (and her vessel) as more important than the people around her due to her once royal status. She is very uncooperative and apathetic towards anyone other than Kate. She has a bit of a god complex herself. While people don’t exactly misjudge her, they don’t realize the full extent of her. She’s seen the world change and warp for at least a century, she’s learned it’s dirty and flawed. Nobody here is perfect, and that’s not what she’s used to. It’s not her standard.

The creations of death (unofficially titled as martha, that one fucking tree, the significantly cooler tree that’s not really a tree and probably won’t be a tree in the revamp, and the only one who can fucking move) have been in the wonderrealm since close to its beginning. They are it’s original inhabitants. Martha is a hivemind, expanding off of collecting the souls of the lost. It grants them with a home and community. They still have their free will and thoughts inside of the mind, but work as a singular entity outside. They’re unified by Martha. Martha also provides those in close proximity to it with wealth and joy, creating a lure for newcomers. Martha itself cannot think the same way the people who are part of it think. Martha is abstract and conceptual. It cannot be comprehended. “Martha” is just a nickname given from the people inside of the mind, but Martha seems to like it. That One Fucking Tree is a much more malicious entity. It feeds off of the cruelty of others in exchange for youth and beauty. Like Martha, it wishes to grow influence. It requires patrons. The patron, fueled by vanity, will deliver it regular sacrifices in order to keep their youth. The sacrifices in question will be fused into its biomass, oftentimes unwillingly, but subdued by its presence. i hate this tree. i hate it a lot. i might scrap it because i do not like this tree. but it is technically important to the world building. also it sounds very similar to a character i cannot and will not discuss here from a separate thing (theorists do not see this this is not for your eyes). Then you have the cooler tree. This tree which is likely not going to be a tree is a little entity who lives in the catacombs of the old diamond palace. it’s a living creature that provides safety and sanctuary to those who read to it. that’s it. it’s very harmless and just wants more knowledge. maybe the tree wants to take over the world, but for now it is but a sapling. Finally, we have the only one with legs. Lady Luck. She has a significantly different form, with it being more mobile and humanoid, but still distinctly different than a normal person. She’s revered as a goddess by many in the Wonderrealm. She could never be in the same place for very long, but it’s said that any who gave her a golden coin or a marble or something shiny would be gifted eternal luck. While it’s not apparent whether or not these stories were true, her existence is undeniable… Or was. Nobody’s seen her for years. again i’ll probably get around to doing a deep dive on more of these characters but for now i’m feeding you bits and pieces.

so dig in :3

#oc #ocs #oc rp #roleplay #ask #character ask game #character asks #character ask #ask game #crep rambling about their characters again #crep’s ocs #ask blog #ask box

[sanleigh]

I've had a little observation sitting on a shelf in the back of my mind for a while now, and I don't think compressing it to another platform would do it any good.

and while I'd like to trigger warning for abuse self harm and suicidal ideation I'd also like to recognize that while being difficult and complex topics, they are still worth addressing.

(I've been noticing how I'm still not handling my personal life dramas as well as I'd like but perhaps better than I used to, and while I'm still sorting out my attraction to emotionally unavailable people, I don't think I'll make the mistake of spending 6 years waiting for emotional honesty again, either. It's growth, is what I'm saying.) *Editor's note The owner (me) of this account has had, amung other things, Major Depression for most of their life. The current musing is not to be taken as a judgement on other people on their own path but more so an observation in hopes to change the reaction to where they overlap.

They are taking their meds! They are being treated! They have a support system! They're just writing about this because they recently lost their job and are feeling observational on the ways that treatment has lead to good results.*

So, in trying to find coping mechanisms for self harm, I found a wide variety of information online. (Holy shit, the internet? That happened? Little me could not imagine that big of a library at home. I thought the dewy decimal system would be SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT but who cares) Some of that info was ok (the wrist band snap alternative? no thanks. plucking armpit hairs until the impuse went away? worked too well, I'm prone to ingrowns now but my last scar is like... maybe 15 years old so ... could be worse!.

Another huge part of it though, was accepting that even if it was superficial and incorrectly placed and something I could wiggle a lie about just in case someone asked... it was still a suicide attempt.

Part of the emotional journy was to accept myself and my depression and the destructive actions I was doing in an attempt to feel somethinganything Different. Towards the end I even knew the mechanism of cutting and bleeding and then bandaging would wash my brain in a fresh chemical bath, but the root impulse reaction was still suicidal. Writing it off as self harm (dramatic, attention seeking, something you heal from naturally) instead of the impulse to end both myself and my environmental conditions (taking control of myself, feeling in control even if it hurts, because everything else feels so out of control) in a permanent way. After the fact, the permance seems trivial, a blemish on the skin. The problem is in the moment, the motivation that causes the scar is not driven by a future with that scar, it's driven by a future where you find the courage to push deep enough that the scar won't heal. Accepting that each scar is a suicide attempt means accepting that each scar is a near death experience. And if each scar is a near death experience where you felt in control, how many did you have that were out of your control before you started trying to recreate the experience? Not none.

If all those times, maybe in a household where abuse is common place, were near death experiences are trivial enough that telling yourself "It's a scar from a knife in the sink." seems like a balanced trade off for realitry, then it will be hard to figure out on your own that the scar itself is not the problem. Neither are you, but that's hard to remember when you've been dragging around half forgot traumas, a broken heart, and the weight of being human in capitalism. If suddenly you lose your job, fighting those triggers to find a way to have some control is hard, and the pain can change things fast, but recovering from those scars is deeper than skin.

#content warning #self harm #abuse #healing

[killingjuice]

everymanhybrid doesnt seem explicitly like a story about children with an abusive father, although that is a really good interpretation. to me the stick in the mud represents cycles itself. cycles of abuse or trauma, cycles of coping mechanisms that never actually change the situation, of finding yourself in the same situation over and over and over again.

vinny is the voyeur. im not sure how far his power over others extends. i think he does not purposefully mean to continue the cycle, but rather ends up perpetuating it because he is unable to do what it would take it break it. he becomes obsessed with the role he is given of the cameraman. hes been given the opportunity to have a narrative, to be a protagonist, to be the hero to his friends. when things start going wrong, he doesn't change this stance, but rather believes it is entirely outside circumstances that lead to their suffering rather than any action on his part. he pushes everyone to stay in front of the camera, to stay in a toxic situation, because he wants to be the one to fix it. he wants the cycle to end, but he needs to be the one that ends it.

i really enjoy the concept of every character existing as some aspect of humanity as a whole. vinny, as said, is the voyeur, the rubbernecker, the hidden camera. humans have a thirst for knowledge, a morbid curiosity, a desire to uncover everything the world has to offer. we love mystery for its opportunity to allow us the reveal. humans also need to be seen. we need to know that somebody is out there watching us and rooting for us.

jeff is the guardian, the 3am checkup call, the body heat. humans care about other humans. we form extremely strong bonds and need to help and be helped to be happy. despite it all, through all the horrors and terrible things the world puts us through, humans have always demanded that room be made for love.

evan is the firebrand, the punk band, the teenage rebel. humans need their black sheep. there will always be those discontent with the status quo, with the acceptance of terrible situations. we're all a bit of a pyromaniac at heart. many humans, most humans, have some desire to show their difference and strike out as an individual capable of creating change. there will always be escalators who realize drastic action may be needed to have any real impact.

habit is the joker, the neighborhood serial killer, the bloodstain. humans are often considered to be the only animal capable of intentional cruelty. other living things kill for survival, but humans kill for fun. humans start wars and invent torture methods and enjoy seeing others in pain.

the man is trauma is cycles is death and rebirth is gasoline. the game has only played for so long because the man wants it to. we do not know much of the reasons why. the man appears to create fear, to draw back when too much progress is being made. stay where you are. history repeats itself again and again and again. move too fast and somethings bound to go wrong.

perhaps vinny only seems to play the game so well because we dont know what we would be without the man. we seem to need to be given some problem, some wall in front of us to break down. i could take the road more traveled, but what would i do with the time i would have spent fighting through the overgrowth? what would we do if we woke up and there wasnt a single problem?

the essay seemed to take the opinion that vinny was the villain because he was the only one actively perpetuating the cycle. was he? jeff seemed to immediately want out but he refused to totally leave the situation. he couldnt leave the people he cared about even when they began to harm him and his family. he needed the connections he had, no matter how bad the connections were. he needed to be able to try to help them. evan was also extremely active towards going after the man. he didn't want the camera on him while he did so and thus didnt want to show the audience, but he was the most willing to directly chase after the monsters and hunt them down at any cost. when he realized he had a capacity to do massive damage, he couldnt do anything but run into another fight with the hopes of it killing him. habit was truly the only one who took direct action towards breaking the cycle by being inhuman. he was able to completely remove himself from a desire to know more, a desire for connections, a desire to solve the problem, and instead found the solution in a complete severance - death. humans can never escape from their own humanity.

cycles do end. people are capable of learning and growing and changing and becoming entirely different people. vinny finally realized that he didnt need to record everything and set the camera down. this could represent. a new grand cycle begins. we can never truly end all the cycles, but simply exchange one for the other. there will never be a final floor, but we can constantly improve over the course of our entire lives.

they all together are the everyman hybrid.