i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
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i really want to draw sera and lili going to church together. however, churches are a pain to draw. i'm tempted to use 3d assets if the task feels too overwhelming.
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I just pictured Otto awakening from a somewhat spicy dream about Bruce, realizing “oh shit…this may be a problem” and deciding that the only way to fix this is by getting Bruce to snap at him.
However, it is VERY difficult to make Bruce angry to the point of trading insults (unless it’s John Dory lol) because he’s just that smooth. Plus having 13 children has honed his patience to be the level of a fucking saint.
I got news for you, sometimes when hot people are mad at you .... They are still hot. Sometimes it makes them hotter
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every time i read an autobiographical comic about a transfeminine person practicing putting on makeup as a visual metaphor for the difficulty of Performing Womanhood i can feel my whole heart vibrate with sympathy. like. one of the absolutely most common Girl Experiences is feeling like you're never girling right or enough. there's so many rules and expectations and there's fucking makeup. i could never wrap my head around makeup!! not even for gender reasons, it's just this whole culture i don't understand. trying to grasp makeup feels like being a street urchin at an extremely exclusive high end restaurant crying because i don't know what fork to use and they won't let me eat with my hands. my seventh grade classmates tried to help me be girl by taking me shopping for nice clothes and mascara and i couldn't even wear it for a week. not only do you have to go through the intricate rituals of application but you have to remove it at the end of the day??? and everyone acts as if this arcane knowledge is something inherent to girlhood that you're just born knowing and feel naturally inclined to do??? i don't understand!!! i don't understand!!!!! people treated me as if i was being rebellious and making a statement but i just do not understand all the powders and inks and pencils and gunks and creams and brushes!! they feel bad against my face and i'll flinch from anything getting too close to my eyes. it doesn't matter how many offers for help i get or how many tutorials there are, i never wanted this for myself! i shouldn't have to do this! i can be a person without it just fine if you let me!
watching anyone trying to learn how to do makeup from scratch is like watching someone learning a new language. if you think it's hard it's because it is hard and don't let them tell you it's not, just because they've been speaking it for a long time
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Bakura: Due to some horrible, traumatic events in my life I am living without my family.
Jou (living a different but equally valid traumatic life): nice!
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Thinking about the KaeyaJeanDiluc friendship where they grew up together and they were CLOSE & sure maybe Jean felt like Diluc & Kaeya were closer since they were brothers & sure maybe Kaeya felt like he had to keep secrets from the two of them bc they would never understand but they were like. A trio! A team!
& then Diluc’s 18th birthday comes around and everything goes to shit and Diluc LEAVES so they’re no longer KaeyaJeanDiluc but just Kaeya & Jean & in some ways Kaeya and Jean get closer because of it but there’s also a pronounced DISTANCE where Jean doesn’t know how to reach Kaeya anymore & Kaeya is even more determined not to tell Jean anything & they both lose themselves in their duties to Mondstadt while also missing Diluc and ALSO, despite everything, offering each other unconditional support
& then Diluc comes BACK & in addition to Kaeya & Jean there’s the shaky reestablishment of Jean & Diluc and Diluc & Kaeya but it’s not THE SAME. they’re no longer KaeyaJeanDiluc; Jean & Kaeya are knights and Diluc will never be a knight again & they all changed while Diluc was away & none of them know how to talk to each other anymore AND YET there’s still an undercurrent of trust!! Not fully, especially between Kaeya & Diluc, but Diluc still calls on Jean during the archon quest, trusting that she will keep their secrets even though as the acting grandmaster she should probably not. Jean says in her about Diluc voiceline that she understands why Diluc hates the knights & is working hard to make them an organization he can trust again. Kaeya covers for Diluc’s darknight hero escapades & fondly reminisces about their childhood in front of him. Diluc invited Kaeya to dinner at the winery & (afaik) never told anyone about Kaeya’s origins. Kaeya tells the traveler that they need to give Jean their full support and planned a birthday party for her. Jean left Kaeya in charge of Mondstadt when she went to the golden apple archipelago! On some level they recognize that their goals still align!! There’s still trust and love there but there’s also this gap between them that none of them know how to cross and I just!!!
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