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violentviolette · 6 months

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how do you tell apart violent impulses from violent intrusive thoughts when you get both? I know I have violent impulses because I acted on them before I had a better system for dealing with them and I know I have intrusive thoughts because I get sexual intrusive thoughts about things I never get impulses over. I know it doesn't make sense because I can tell sexual intrusive thoughts have no impulses behind them but the line is just completely blurred for me with violent thoughts. I always deal with them like they're impulses and get myself as quickly away from the victim and weapon as possible just in case but it always weighs on me not knowing if I really would have acted on that were my reins looser. When I acted on my violent impulses in the past I never felt guilt over actually doing it even if I wouldn't choose to repeat it but stopping myself from potentially acting on violent thoughts makes me feel like garbage

personally, and this is highly subjective and not like a universal Fact, but i generally seperate them by "impulse = rooted in feelings relevent to both the situation and my wants" and "intrusive thought = not triggered by or relevent to actual feelings i have outside the thought" so like, an intrusive thought *to me* is something like "pick up that knife and stab it thru their hand to pin it to the table" when nothing is wrong and im just generally chilling, this is not something i would actually enjoy nor get any real pleasure or satisfaction from doing

whereas an impulsive thought would be "punch that person whose irritating u in the face cause it'll make them stop speaking" cause that is actually rooted in something that would bring me pleasure or satisfaction to do, but i know is socially innopropriate and not a healthy way to handle the situation

but honestly, i think the difference isnt always important, especially when talking about how just having either of those thoughts makes us feel about ourselves. there is no inherent morality to thoughts. our thoughts simply exist, and they have no bearing on whether or not we are good or moral people.

i've had the urge/thought/impulse to hit my wife before. dozens and dozens of times actually. i never have and i never will, but the urge to solve all my problems by simply punching them is a strong urge that i dont think will ever go away for me. i get angry or upset and my instinct is to become violent over it. but simply having the thought to do so doesnt make me a domestic abuser or a bad partner. the fact that i have never once given in to that urge and continue to control my behavior is what makes me a good and healthy partner.

it doesnt matter what u would have done if u werent controlling ur behavior, what matters is that *u are controling that behavior.* u are doing the right and healthy thing by choosing not to act on an impulse or intrusive thought and taking measures to ensure u dont. that shouldnt make u feel bad, it should fill u with pride for urself. the thought is not the important part, it's what u DO with that thought that matters. people think all kinds of insane things all the time, triply so when u have mental illnesses. brains are weird and freaky and they think wild shit. none of that matters, what matters is ur actions and ur behavior and the fact that u can and do control urself to behave in healthy and appropriate ways is the sign of u being a well adjusted and mature adult and healthy member of ur social group.

dont beat urself up over ur thoughts, they are not what make u who u are. ur actions make up the person u are and its ur actions that matter. and the fact that u take action to ensure the safety and well being of the people around u is what determines that u are a good and healthy person making the right decisions, and thats something u should feel very very proud of urself over

#jack.speaks #anon #aspd #anger management #intrusive thoughts #thought crimes are not crimes #cluster b pd #cluster b personality disorder

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blond-b · 9 months

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TW: €D

My new rules for myself

Try not to eat high cal foods unless it’s in front of someone else (you need to keep others thinking that you DO eat normal, but you don’t have to eat more than it takes to convince others)

No more than ONE sweet a day (you are a fat ass, and you will binge a whole tray of brownies if your not careful. Never eat more than ONE)

No excuses about exercising (aw, your a little sore? Get over it. Do at least 5 miles, unless your in extreme pain, or physically can not exercise, there is no excuse.)

Do more than cardio. (You KNOW that muscle burns more calories than fat, you also know that your tummy looks frumpy even if your skinny… unless you tone it up. Don’t be lazy, you have no excuses. Do your workouts)

Always be moving (sitting down? Wiggle your toes or bounce your feet. Laying in bed? Do leg raises, or side leg raises, and move your arms some. Standing in line? Shift weight from one leg to another. Even small movements burn more cal than if you weren’t doing them.)

Only binge on foods that don’t matter (your high and wanna binge? Okay, eat watermelon, have an ice pop, have some broccoli, or strawberries. NO JUNK, save your junk food for your sober mind to decide on)

Stay active on rest days (you get one day a week to not exercise, that however does NOT mean be lazy. Instead, clean your room, play with your dog, go swimming, clean the kitchen, do anything to get some passive movements in. Your resting your exercises muscles today, NOT your whole body.)

No lying to yourself. (You binged? You went over on cals? Ate too much of a cal dense food? LOG IT. Telling yourself “I know I messed up, I don’t need to log it to know it” has to stop. You need to be honest with your future self, she’ll ask “why didn’t I lose any weight this week??” And she deserves to look back and see why. That and lying to your app just sets yourself for failure. You won’t know how much to restrict to make it up.)

Fruit/veggie fast the day after a high cal day. (You fucked up. Get over it, and fix it. Only eat low cal fruits and vegetables the next day, you’ll feel full but still be in a cal deficit. You may be starving, but you don’t need to feel it.)

Rules I’ll be implementing when school (college) starts back up

At least one day a week, eat less than 500 cal.

Meal prep low cal high nutrient foods. (You need protein, you DONT need extra calories. Boil some chicken, shred it, add some low cal seasoning. Do NOT add unnecessary things like oils, mayo, ranch, cream cheese NO. You want the protein that why you eat. Not for enjoyment)

You have a free gym membership, use it. (Oh, it’s ‘embarrassing’ working out in front of others? Get tf over it. You need to use the treadmill, and the stair master can burn EVEN MORE. Get over yourself and do it)

Bad weather isn’t an excuse. (It’s snowing? Tuff luck. Walk your ass to the gym and go on the treadmill. Its raining? Same thing, walk your ass to the gym and work out. Excuses build fat.)

Eat within your calorie deficit every day. (you have roommates? Worried the will notice how little you eat? Say you eat breakfast in your room, they don’t know what you keep there. They start acting worried? Wake up before them, say you ate. Get home after them, say you ate out. Lie.)

Rules for once I hit my UGW (125lbs)

Don’t stop. (So, your skinny now? So what. You can still look better. You can still lose fat. It’s time to focus on BUILDING muscle. Of course, not too much you don’t want to look like a man, but enough that you could be a swimsuit model.)

Track with Pictures more than anything (the plan is to build some muscle while cutting fat still now, yeah? So the number on the scale won’t be a completely accurate reflection of your efforts anymore {this does not mean stop weighing yourself}. You can look skinnier and weigh more with muscle, and we care about LOOKS not numbers)

Don’t let the doc.’s know. (This is where building muscle can come in handy. You don’t want to be stopped, so weigh a “healthy” weight, but let that “healthy” weight come from muscle, not fat. They never have to know.)

Don’t get bulky. (Yes, we’ve now switched mindsets from LOSING weight to GAINING muscle. That does not mean get bulky. Your goal is to look like a activewear model. Toned, fit, strong, but still dainty.)

Don’t stop cardio. (Cardio is what will KEEP you lean. Adding strength training does not allow you to cut out cardio. Remember, we NEVER want to look bulky.)

#weightloss #pro for only myself #pro #pro for me #tw ed rant #tw edd #calories #tw disordered eating #i want to be weightless #tw ana diary #🕯️as a 🪶#pro annnnna #prøana

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sasoxichomoshi · 6 months

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hey! i'm planning on writing a lol vampire au heavily inspired by castlevania and i want nilah as one of the protagonist monster hunters, but i have very little idea on how to write her. there are veeeery few good nilah fics (and i found only one that was nilah-centric) so i dont have much fan material to base myself on.

i find nilah really hard to write because we don't know a lot about her prior to ashlesh and writing a character that only feels ona emotion is a challenge. i still intend on making ashlesh and their deal a thing (although not necessarily as extreme as the runeterra version) but I really wanted to hear from the greatest nilah expert out there. do you have any tips/suggestions? what are things you feel are missing in most nilah fanworks?

i always wanted to make an overall guide on how to write nilah, but never felt comfortable in doing so, but hey now i have an excuse!! thanks frend

first i want to say that most of fanfics out there are fine and there are even some of them i like a lot despite not agreeing the way they write nilah (i guess that's what we call creative freedom lol), and nonetheless im very grateful for people picking her to write about

that said, yes you are totally right, nilah is hella difficult to write, like god level difficulty, because not only you have to know nilah, but if you're going to write her having any interaction with another character you have to know that character too (more than superficial knowledge); for example, nilah often refers to another people by their *full name* or titles, so it's something you have to keep in mind (the only exception i can imagine to this is if she's faking not knowing something for the sake of a higher objective that cannot be achieved by the use of brute force)

nilah unending happiness might sound like a big problem, but it has to be one of the most chill parts of her character; usually people tend to focus too much on the happy side of the thing, and in fact she doesn't work like this!

nilah is happy all the time yes, but it works more like a feeling of excitement than of genuine happiness, and the thing is: nilah feels other things too. well, she doesn't feel them literally, but she *believes* she feels them, it's her human part rationally thinking and mentally pointing "oh now i should feel anger" "now it's a moment of sorrow" and the moment the thought leads to a feeling, it is immediately cut by her curse

nilah lives by her principles and values inherited from her human part and past, and that's what she uses to guide her. all her feelings are suppressed by ashlesh, so she has to rely on her logic, basically

the demon's influence feels much like a grasp; it feels like its hands tightly holds nilah's head; ashlesh is oppressive, he's always watching her... and she still keeps him in control through her rituals and meditations (and even with her intelligence)

people overlook this one too, but nilah is very smart and cunning; years of reading made her a walking encyclopedia, and her tongue can be as sharp as her urumi, BUT her spiritual training with the seventh layer order also made her mindful and sensible: she's smart, but she'll only use knowledge for good; she's cunning, but she won't be if unnecessary or for personal gain.

she weighs the consequences of her actions especially when interacting with other people (which brings me to another point that nilah navigates interaction by social cues, she guesses the pattern and goes by it cause 1) she only feels joy and 2) she's contacting another cultures and lands, so it's kinda of a process of trial and error)

also, if i may say, the impression "an intimate evening at oyster bill's" gives about nilah is that she can read intentions very clearly (probably an ability she got from ashlesh), she may not know why people act the way they do, but she knows when someone is lying or being honest (or threatening her)

with these explanations in mind, here's a quick guide by topics to follow when writing nilah

INTERACTIONS

she's very reserved about herself and her past - even when writing her paired with someone, i dont think she would talk about herself, her past is forgotten and she lost herself to joy, remember that

she's moderate when speaking - if you're going to make her sound happy, do it with balance, the only moment she sounds exceptionally happy and excited is in battle

she's not emotional (logically) - she wont act "in the heat of the moment", as i said, she's thoughtful with her actions

ashlesh also "interacts" with other people - tho of what we have been presented so far makes him looks mysterious, here i believe people SHOULD flex, go for your imagination

INNER THOUGHTS

if you feel like really writing her PoV, try to follow that idea of the logical thinking i explained above and keep it short and objective

you can also describe ashlesh's influence for that emotional seasoning (as i explained above)

but (and it's my personal favorite) you can also totally avoid diving into nilah's PoV for that mystery flavor that works so well with her - no one understands her and trying to do so can create interesting settings

MANNERISMS

she always uses people full names or titles - and in this case using titles when not sure about the characters full names can help, but i advise not overuse it

whenever nilah speaks with someone, insert small mentions of recitations during the interaction - with parsimony, the better use of it happens as a tool to drive conversations; nilah can use it to avoid a question, change topics or end conversations (and the inverse can happens too!!), be creative when use it and be sure to include meaningful conversations/interaction between her lil' recitations

nilah make use of mudras, hand gestures - they can be widely used to be honest (it's more frequent when she do recitations/meditates), but you can also make creative use of it (e.g. she inserts signs in the middle of the mudras to sneakily pass a message)

DON'Ts (personal opinion)

avoid making her childish like the hell

dont make her have the joker smile all the time please please please

she doesnt laugh at everything

this one is veryyy particular of me, but nilah wont go out there mentioning ashlesh name or saying things like "this is ashlesh the lord of joy, one of the ten kings, demon of the seventh layer and i control it blah blah blah" - even if she's asked directly i doubt she would give a full answer, AGAIN she's thoughtful and objective, she wont go out there giving this kind of information for free, avoid this

i think these are my main points, ofc dont let them hold yourself on some idea, i really dont wanna hurt any creative thought by somehow "imposing" my views

something that i always have in mind is that everyone is writing nilah's epic somehow, and i believe nilah would like to see everyone's thoughts about her turning into stories

thanks so much for the ask, and sorry for the delay (and maybe i wrote it too big lol), if you have another questions please it will be a pleasure to answer them ^u^

#ask the demon #i made it too big sorry #it's bc i wanted to make it useful for more people maybe it can inspire others #nilah #nilah league of legends #league of legends

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portpebble · 2 years

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i really dont think the dark worlds are escapism for susie - or at least if they are, it would contradict how susie acts in them. disregarding that theyre definitely not an escapist fantasy (berdly is ignored at every turn and doesnt have his smart-boy theme park, noelle is forced to face memories of dess that the world ignores in favor of pretending she never existed, literally everything w kris and spamton neo) susie actively goes AGAINST the hierarchy of the dark world system. she wants to be friends with the darkners and repeatedly points out how weird it is that theyre supposed to serve lightners, even mentioning spamton when ralsei tries to ignore it. and why would a person like SUSIE have a fantasy of an entire world of people totally subservient to her?

You're correct in the assertion that Dark Worlds are not a one-to-one escapist fantasy, yes! But that doesn't mean it cannot serve as escapism for the Lightner characters who visit it. There is a reason that every single Lightner who has visited a Dark World so far likes it there and/or wants to go back.

For Berdly, sure he does get ignored by Queen a lot of the time, and is unable to make his Gamer's Paradise. HOWEVER, he learns how to better connect to his peers, gets to come clean about how much keeping up the appearance of "smartness" weighs on him, and it's clear he's have a lot of fun being a cool knight in glow-in-the-dark-armor. He agrees with Noelle and Susie's initial plan to form another Dark Fountain.

[Image ID: Berdly right before attempting to create a Dark Fountain, saying "So is there any reason not to...?" End ID.]

For Noelle, yes, being in the Dark World brings up memories of Dess. But these memories aren't a bad thing, she's not disturbed by them. In fact, she's excited to be having an adventure, she's excited to be discovering new things about this new world! Her recalling how she and Dess and Asriel and Kris used to have adventures together too is more reminiscent and nostalgic, appreciative of getting the opportunity to have adventures like that again, and not indicative of someone who is being triggered by the situation at hand.

[Image IDs: The first five are from when Noelle and Kris walk through the December puzzle. Noelle says, "...when I said this city makes my head spin... I didn't mean in a bad way... you know? I always wanted to go someplace new, you know? ...And Dess... always told me she'd take me." and "...don't you miss exploring, Kris?". The last is of Noelle smiling, talking about the Dark World, "I've never... had an adventure like this before." End ID.]

For Kris... Kris is a more complicated case, because we oftentimes cannot see how they feel about a given situation. We do, though, have their two options in response to Susie saying the Darkners should come to their world, with "Yeah let's do it" being more enthusiastic and proactive then "Seems a little far-fetched". Also, I think it's safe to say they want to go back, for one reason or another. Because fucking uhhhh:

[Image ID: Kris opening a Dark Fountain at the end of Chapter 2. End ID.]

For Susie, in my original post I already gave examples of how much she favors the Dark World, how important it is to her, and how much she likes it there. Here, I'd like to define the term of escapism itself. Wikipedia describes escapism as a "mental diversion from unpleasant or boring aspects of daily life, typically through activities involving imagination or entertainment". It is important to note that in order for escapism to function, the "world" where you're escaping to does NOT need to be utopian. As someone who struggles with escapism myself, a lot of the media I use as an escape does have its own conflicts, flaws, angst, etc. The Dark World has it's issues too, but that doesn't mean it cannot provide an escape for those visiting it. There can be certain aspects of the Dark World that make Susie or the other characters uncomfortable, but as long as it is a better alternative to the "real" world, it can still be an escape.

So, here and within my previous post, I've begun to make a case that Susie displays signs of escapism. However, that still begs the question: Why is Susie susceptible to escapism, particularly within the Dark World?

From certain context clues, we can infer that Susie's home life is... Not great. In the start of chapter 1, she's afraid she's going to get expelled from the school, for something as menial as eating chalk. She says a bush is "basically [her] house now" because she took a nap in it. She drinks milk from an alleyway, completely unaware of where it's coming from. She doesn't call her parents when Toriel asks her to, and she can have impromptu sleepovers whenever she wants without telling them, meaning they're fine with her disappearing for an entire night (if they're still in contact with her at all). She sees herself as (metaphorically and physically) a monster, a bad person, someone who can never be a hero, someone who no one would want to be friends with:

[Image IDs: Susie right before her fight with Lancer in Chapter 1, saying, "I get it, y'know. Why would anyone..." She smiles bitterly. "...really wanna be my friend anyway?" End ID.]

I think it's safe to say that Susie, when we meet her at the beginning of Chapter 1, is unhappy. She's ostracized from her peers. She has little to no support network. She thinks all of her classmates are waiting for and want her to be expelled entirely. Given the position she is in, it's clear why she would want to find an escape. Thanks to the Dark World, she's able to connect to Kris and Noelle and even Berdly, she meets Ralsei and Lancer, she "becomes" a hero. After spending probably most of her life believing she's a bad person, in the Dark World she gets to be one of the GOOD guys (something she rejects at first because it doesn't align with her view of herself, but she's clearly much more comfortable with the title of hero as the story progresses). She gets to feel good about herself, she gets to feel good about what she's doing! She gets to save the world, she gets to use a cool axe, she gets to start learning healing magic, she gets to have fun with her new friends...

[Images IDs: Susie describing the Dark World, "And no matter what happens... No one tells us what to do!" End ID.]

You are right, anon, that a world of people subservient to her would not appeal to Susie. But the wish-fulfillment like nature of the Dark Worlds, the way they give her a chance to a hero, to be liked and appreciated for who she is, and even the way that the Darkners can't tell the Lightners "what to do", DOES. Susie wants to be free from authority, and the Dark Worlds present her with a situation where she can actively go against it, dismantle the system, and come out victorious and unscathed- something she cannot do in her own life. Susie does bring up how strange the whole "Darkner's purpose" thing is. She's clearly uncomfortable with most kinds of authority, and that means she's uncomfortable being the authority too. She does benefit from the way Lightners can pretty much do whatever the hell they want, but above that, she wants her and her Darkner friends to be equals. However...

I think that its somewhat important to note that, while its very prevalent in Chapter 1's narrative, the idea of it being Weird that Lightners are "meant" to serve Darkners takes a back seat in Chapter 2. We still see bits of it, like how we see Queen wanting to make the Lightners happy, but it's rarely ever called to attention in the way it was in Chapter 1: Susie telling Ralsei to quit it with the purpose talk, the Spade King's motivations against the Lightners, and Seam talking about the relationship that Lightners and Darkners used to have. We don't get to see a lot of that discussed in Chapter 2. Ralsei has taken Susie's advice. He's acting less compliant, learning sarcasm from her, and considering who he is outside of his destiny. Outwardly, he's displaying less of that "Darkner's purpose" mentality. Susie seems to be happy with this, and she doesn't bring it up in Chapter 2, because to her, the problem has been "solved", at least somewhat. In fact, almost none of the characters mention this Weirdness in Chapter 2. It is an inconvenient truth that can be pushed to the side.

Where we DO see this idea of the power imbalance between Lightners and Darkners utilized the MOST is within Spamton's subplot. But, for a large portion of that plot, Susie isn't present. Kris goes into the Spamton shop and (initially) the basement alone. Susie knows something is off, she realizes how uncomfortable Kris is, but she doesn't see a lot of what Spamton says about "heaven" and about being free. This is purposeful. Susie so far has been the one who's most directly against the power imbalance. Not allowing her to see more examples of it with Spamton's plot allows her to continue not thinking about it. It allows the imbalance to continue being swept under the rug. In fact, when talking about what was weird about the Spamton battle, Susie doesn't even mention "heaven":

[Image ID: Susie after the Spamton battle, listing it's oddities, "Puppets... strings... hands..." End ID.]

The power imbalance of Darkners and Lightners is weird to her, but it's not a deal-breaker. She still enjoys being in the Dark World. She still has fun there. She still stays up all night thinking about it. And, at the end of the day...

[Image ID: Susie smiling and saying to Kris at the end of Chapter 1, "Let's go back there tomorrow, alright?" End ID.]

She wants to go back.

In conclusion, I really do think the Dark Worlds provide escapism for Susie. They are not a perfect fantasy, but they don't have to be. As long as they are a better alternative to her life in Hometown, as long as they are giving her an adventure, giving her the friends she thought she could never have, giving her a chance to "be a good person", and a break from the expectations and pressures of her life...

[Image ID: Susie talking while Kris and her stand in front of the Dark Fountain, "But... is that really a bad thing...? Since they started showing up, Everything's gotten a lot more interesting, hasn't it...? ..." End ID.]

"Well, we don't have to think about that now..."

It's an escape.

#sorry for writing a fuckin essay and a half anon I just feel strongly about this one.#I dunno if this is well organized or anything. probably not. but it was fun.#I wanna do more analysis like this in the future mayhaps... I have Thoughts and Feelings and they Roll Around in my Brain.#susie #susie deltarune #deltarune #deltarune meta #asks for em #safeutdr #also none of this takes into account the other route because Its A Whole Different Route. its gonna have different overarching themes #em ids

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pixelizedprince · 1 year

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Really getting overwhelmed by mothersday feelings this year and it has me acting like a fucking idiot

I've been so head up my own ass about mothersday this year that I've been hermitting away the closer its gotten to the day, and I know thats stupid, and I know spending time with my friends is what I really really want but I cant physically get my body to move to do the thing. I want to focus on literally anything besides hyperfocusing on how badly I wish I had a fucking relationship with Her, just so fucking much has happened these past few years and I want to tell her all the amazing good things that have happened, and cry about the bad things that have hurt, and I really just wish that this fictional idea of what a relationship between mother and child is suppose to be would have ever been an option for me. But it never was, and I hurt because of it. No contact has been my choice and it's the best thing I can do for myself, but since Katie's dad passed, the weight of never telling her how I feel for at least closure weighs on my mind, and I don't want to reach out in forgiveness, and I don't want her to try to contact me ever, that's the fucking point, but I do wish with my whole heart that on days like this she thinks about why her fucking "perfect" child went cold turkey no contact. I hope she stays awake at night missing, I guess a memory of me that doesn't exist anymore. And i fucking hope it hurts a fraction of the way I do.

I tried begging her to get help, I tried begging her to seek real therapy and real mood stabilizers and talk about her eating disorders, and to really fucking reflect on her narcissistic and manipulative personality but you know its screaming at a wall. I means nothing to an institutionalized self medicating addict with 50+ years of undiagnosed mental illness and zero healthy trauma response

I always say I hope she has the best life she can and that I just dont want it to involve me, and I do I really fucking do, but I also hope there is a guilty sliver in her heart that pushes her to do better because of me. I hope that at least the gapping hole in my heart and life can at least be a blip on pain on her radar.

I miss her laugh. And it hurts so much.

#venting bullshit #all the tw

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propp · 2 years

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rant under cut untagged

real talk though i think there is something about me that is deeply repellent to men and i really dont know what it is. for a while i thought it was because i was a lesbian but im undoubtedly attracted to men on some level so that isnt it. but its like no matter how much i weigh, how much makeup i do or dont wear, however i dress however i act however i present myself men simply do not like me in that way. like i still get catcalled and harassed and have been assaulted before but im not appealing enough to men to be actually date-able. it might be some bone-deep shrillness that they can sense within me. im not insanely upset about this realization because like i have no trouble dating women and thats so much easier than men in so many ways but its also sort of deeply disturbing to me that i cant attain the societally ordained badge of honor of being Wanted By Men especially since i AM attracted to some of them. i think i’m going to spend much of today reading anna akhmatova

#mine

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ankhisms · 1 year

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forgive me im going to ramble lest i lose my mind even more

its like the play went fine our performance was fine nothing is WRONG yknow nothing terrible or big happened but its like all of the sudden everything wrong with me just slammed into me like all my different brain shit crashed down onto me its kind of amazing that i didnt lose my shit and kept it together but its just like. oh my god i hate myself so much i feel so gross and unlovable and undesirable and so ugly &unattractive and weird and just like all my insecurities weighing down on me and being faced with how not """"normal""" i am and how completely unable i am to be """normal""" or to live a """normal""" life and how compared to everyone my age and even people younger to me i am just so pathetic and my life is such a mess and i dont know what im supposed to do or how to get out of my situation and its becoming clear that i really probably cant get out of this on my own but i dont really have any options or ways to get support irl to get to a better place and there was a moment where i just felt so deeply alone even though i know im loved i feel so thankful all the time for the people in my life who i love dearly i know im not alone but its just like. the isolation of knowing Something Is Wrong With You yknow. and the endless struggle to connect with anyone along with being forcibly isolated by my parents. i just feel like a huge failure and kept thinking about wanting to kill myself even tho im not going to act on that or do any harm to myself its just like. oh wow my life really sucks and i feel very helpless and trapped. im going to be 25 in about a week i dont want this to be my life forever but how can it get better? how can i survive when im unable to really work most jobs due to my mental and physical illnesses and how can i even get out of the situation im in. im not going to give up but i really want to. anyway its past midnight ive already vented enough i just feel really gross and tired and im trying to have hope but am just thinking of every cruel thing ive ever been told about myself and believing it all but tomorrow i will try again

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adlibitur · 1 year

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just having a bit of a moment honestly below cut-

the thing about this account being ~12 years old is that sometimes I slip into the past still on here especially the inbox i never cleared out and it drags me down like a riptide, leaving me face to face with myself of the past who I want to apologize for to every person whos known me. Its like a goddamn punch to the gut to want to shake myself and say "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. YOU AND THE INTERNET. YOU ARE TERMINALLY ONLINE AND IT IS RUINING YOU AS A PERSON AND YOUR LIFE" and i see messages between me and ____, and ____, and about ____ and I just feel like theres no level of apologizing for how fucking unhinged i was at points like at all. I was so unstable and so unhinged about these things and so fucking out there and no one fucking called me in check either like I wish friends would have or something? I dont even know if I would have listened but god fucking damn did I not know when or how to quit. and I'm sure this is just another example of me not leaving the past in the past but I've tried my hardest and it doesnt stay there. I've kept going and going and the past still haunts me like I could catch it if i spun around fast enough. And I am throttled by the guilt of how I acted in all of these cases and more every fucking day, and I try to push past that too but it feels like one more thing to magnify how I dont meet my own standards and i feel like I'm drowning in the feeling of needing to get on my knees and sob about how much I wish I could apologize, atone, and regret my behavior with all of my being. But I cant go back in time, so I keep trying so hard to be the best person I can be every day but I'm still so haunted by all the years past, and even further back too. I dont think I can apologize enough, and thats not to say I havent messaged those same people apologies likely on more than one occasion now but it still weighs so heavily on me and I think of new aspects to apologize for all the time. I dont know if I can ever shake this shit, its been so many years now and it still wont shake. Ive grown around it, used it in various ways to be and get better, but god it feels like shrapnel stuck in me that I've healed around- its still there. Like sure i was hurt but hurt is never an excuse for how I was acting and goddammit I dont even know what else to say. I just feel so, so much like I cant make up for what I've done even though it doesnt stop me from continuing to try to be the best I can be, I still feel like I'll never ever be able to compensate. I inherently believe I'm a bad person, or at least not good. Maybe neutral some days, but I just cant see myself as good- and I dont feel like its without reason when I look at all these inbox messages. It brings me to tears watching myself excessively destroy things I should have just dropped, wishing I could reach through time and shake myself, tell myself otherwise. but again not leaving the past where it belongs I guess. the worst part about this is being self aware at this point.

I dont know what else to say other than repeating myself more, this stuff makes me ache and I know some of yall freak out when I post long shit like this but I am literally begging those people to not bother me about this post, I just needed to vent.

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aspd-culture · 1 year

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is it worth it to look into aspd diagnosis? or treatment? ive been questioning it a lot, considering the only person ive ever related to properly about mindset shit has dxed aspd and is convinced i have it. but does diagnosis/treatment really help much? (my roomate currently isnt in therapy, idk if the blog admin is but if anyone reading is maybe they could weigh in?) is it actually worth the hassle and label to get dxed if im pretty good at forcing myself to do shit and act "appropriately" anyway? theres shit other people in my life consider genuine issues, but i dont care myself for it or how they feel about it so itd be a big show in and of itself just making myself get in to see someone. if its not going to do anything for someone treatment resistance id rather just keep on how im going instead.

Oof, tough question. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional and I cannot give medical advice. The following is not in any way an attempt to sway your medical decisions, nor an attempt to discourage anyone from getting help.

I am personally professionally diagnosed and actively in therapy once a week, where I openly discuss my symptoms of ASPD with both my therapist and my psychiatrist.

First off, I definitely think that if someone with ASPD is advising you to look into it, that it is at least worth privately researching. That goes double if you find yourself relating heavily to them in ways you do not relate to prosocials (people without ASPD). Whether or not you have it, and whether or not you decide to seek a diagnosis and/or treatment, understanding this disorder and yourself better are never bad things. If you choose not to seek treatment at this time, knowing what you have or think you have (after a lot of research from many sources!) can lead you to developing safe and healthy coping mechanisms that can avoid you and your loved ones ending up negatively affected by your symptoms.

The question of if it's worth getting diagnosed is a tough one, and again I need to stress this is not medical advice, it is just my opinion. ASPD is a heavily stigmatized and misunderstood diagnosis. If you do not know your providers well, you could end up getting yourself into a situation where a doctor with stigma against ASPD may push you towards emergency treatment that you do not require. They shouldn't, and it's not legal for them to let their bias get in the way of their patients' lives, but it does happen.

If you are going to pursue diagnosis, I strongly advise taking it slowly and only doing so once you have built a strong relationship with your therapist. Mentioning your roommate's diagnosis without in any way implying you relate to their symptoms is a great way to slowly see how they feel about ASPD and make sure you are not entering yourself into an unsafe situation where they may abuse their power.

That said, even if you have a good provider, there are other repercussions to having a diagnosis to think about. The likelihood of adopting children is very low. The likelihood of being able to work in certain fields may be slim to none depending on your area's specific laws about private medical information. In some places, some jobs are allowed to require a full mental health workup from you including your diagnoses. Many of these jobs will not hire someone with ASPD. This is unlikely to affect you at a desk job, but very likely to affect you if you want to work in any caregiving position, or even around animals.

Additionally, if you are ever a defendant in court for any reason, the cards are considerably stacked against you if you are diagnosed with ASPD, even if you did not do anything wrong. The assumption is likely to be that you are guilty and/or a flight risk.

This is definitely not a diagnosis that, in the current state of the world, you want to be open about at work, with landlords, etc. There is little to no social accommodations for ASPD anyway, so keep this diagnosis on a need to know basis if you get it, for your own safety.

Because of all of this, if you are currently able to control your symptoms, you may want to consider if it is worth pursuing diagnosis.

That said, you do not need a dx to get help with symptoms. I honestly think everyone with the privilege to do so should try therapy unless they have particular reasons not to. It has been seriously helpful in my life, as someone with reasonably good control over my symptoms, because it lets me deal with the PTSD that caused the ASPD, and if I really get bothered by a symptom, or someone in my life does and I have nothing else to talk about, it's a safe place to get into that too.

No one ever said you have to tell your therapist everything. It's best to most times, because they are bound by confidentiality, but if you want to go there and only talk about specific things and never bother mentioning certain symptoms, that is an option. In fact, there are many therapists who prefer to work on symptoms directly as opposed to labeling things with diagnoses.

I personally found value in getting diagnosed, even weighed against the risks, because I needed to know what exactly was going on with me and have that confirmed by a professional. If you don't find value in that, there are therapists that agree with you.

Many therapists will have you make goals for therapy, but you can even walk into your intake with those goals and your philosophy on how you want to be helped and find out from day one if that therapist and you are a match in that regard. I would advise anyone looking into therapy to do their own research and find a therapist with good reviews and preferably who deals in the type of therapy you're interested in. I would say that anyone with trauma would likely have better experiences if they only work with trauma/PTSD specialized therapists, as to avoid a lack of trauma informed care.

At the end of the day it's your decision, but I found it can really help the balancing act of pretending to be normal if you have someone who is paid good money to let you unmask, talk openly about your symptoms and feelings on others, and get some advice that might make the whole controlling your symptoms thing easier in ways you didn't expect or think of.

Personally, I think the only way therapy would not help you is if the therapist you talk to is a bad match - and that's coming from someone who swore for many years that I would never go to therapy, and then when I tried it and got a bad match, gave up on it for a year. I'm glad I went back.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #tw therapy #actually antisocial #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd #aspd awareness #aspd traits #anons welcome #aspd stigma

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 2 years

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I had my older sister say the *exact* same thing to me too, and she’s 2 years older then me too. Didn’t hint at it. Just said it explicitly and nastily to me when we were lightly arguing once. Never apologized for it. When I look back at our relationship, she was always trying to get me in trouble, never stood up for me, played her bff against me, never treated me like an equal, always made fun of me in a intimate way and in front of people, even in front of her bfs, tried to ruin my name in the family to make her herself look better. Whenever I had something going for me, she dragged it down.

She sounds like your sister. Selfcentered, blames you for her problems, never treats you of equal worth, really insecure, has codependent relations with shitty men, hardly ever gives the impression that she really cares about you unless she needs something from you, wants you to always be at least one rung below her in everything so that you never get potential attention.

I’m not saying she doesn’t love me, and that I don’t love her., deep down. Just that I don’t deserve to be treated this way, never have been. But when you grow up with a sister like this, it has always been a constant in your life, that by the time you realize it as an adult, the greater part of the damage has been done. She’ll never change. This is part of her personality, so its rooted. You got to do what you got to do.

I had to make a horrible decision once to not take her into my home. But I weighed it long and hard, and looking back on all of the abuse she has thrown my way so easily and carelessly, as if I had no feelings at all but was just her emotional punching bag, I had to tell her, No. And tell her why. ‘Because you are abusive to me, and I know you will slip into it again with me if we are living together, like always, and I can’t have it, anymore.’ It honestly was a matter of survival to me. I didn’t leave her in bad condition, she could have asked my other older sister to help her (and did, after). My other sister is as selfabsorbed and thinks I exist to handle everyones problems in the family, and so got mad at me when I didn’t do as they wanted. So they had hate sessions about me , and now I’m the bona fide villain of the family.

I’m not gonna lie and say it was easy for me to stand up for myself because guilt really ate away at me. But living with her would have decimated me internally,psychologically , I know it. Not everyone is so strong that they can rise above the abuse in their past. Most of us just try to manage it and little by little get to a better place inside ourselves.

Good luck to you, you seem to be dealing with it well.

I'm sorry to hear all that. I believe you made the best decision you could and hope you are doing well 💜

To be honest, my sister was never very nice as children. When I was extremely sick at 13 and 14 (I ended up having surgery and very nearly died), she told everyone I was faking up until she saw me after on a million ivs and hopped up on morphine and agony. It was awful, I was suffering physically, my dad didn't care, and my sister thought I was attention seeking.

It wasn't until a few years later where she apologised and genuinely acknowledged what she did. We have a better relationship sonce but she still has bouts of bitternes bc she has untreated trauma, mentall illness, and addiction issues. This doesn't excuse her behaviour but it is a factor in it.

And I know for a fact I can't live with her again. Whenever we were together she was absolutely cruel. She is not the type to share a space with. She is still very immature and I think she resents that I have typically been able to handle things more maturely than she has. Im not perfect but she acts on emotion first.

Anyhow I've been working on saying no to her. It's tough bc I dont have much relationship with any other family.

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throwingmuses · 2 years

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need 2 vent about the shit show that was the doctors appt i had yesterday 🤩 cw for weight ment and other eating disorder stuff

ok so basically its been an extreme pain to get into this ed program because i need medical clearance (including blood work) before i can start bc the clinic isnt equipped to help treat medical issues. essentially i have to have a doctor order the blood test or else id have to pay out of pocket and order the tests myself (which i definitely dont have the money for rn), but the soonest appointment my doctor had available was over a month out. so i tried going to several of those walk in clinics and all of them gave me some convoluded answer essentially saying they couldnt help me. finally i found someplace that let me make an appointment with another doctor that was a bit sooner than my other one, so i went ahead and did that. i walked into it expecting it to be pretty brief, and i was confused at first why the doctor was doing a psych assessment when all i needed was a quick physical checkup??? but i was really tired and confused so i just went along with it anyways. from the second i walked in the doctor seemed very irritated and was acting rude for literally no reason. i tried to just let it roll off my shoulders because i desperately needed someone to just order these goddamn blood tests and sign a paper saying im good to go. but then, when she asked me my current height/weight, i told her that i was 5'4 and 120lb, to which she actually fucking responded by saying "Wow, you weigh more than me!" which was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and has been fucking haunting me in the form of obsessive thoughts ever since. she also implied that my current therapist/psychiatrist wasnt very informed because shes a recent graduate when in reality shes the most knowledgable and up front psych ive ever had and this bitch who thinks shes the hot shit didnt even know that there were different types of bipolar disorder. clearly her "knowledge" of psychology as a whole is extremely outdated. anyways towards the end of the meeting, she told me straight up that the clinic probably wouldnt accept me because im at a healthy weight which is total bullshit because thats not how it works whatsoever and i was already ACCEPTED into the program regardless of my weight. ive had this issue a lot over the years with providers not believing that im anorexic because ive never lost a significant amount of weight and the worst medical issue ive had was having low potassium and almost passing out at work, and im forever fucking baffled as to why that is because i often eat less than 1000 calories per day. like im grateful for my body continuing to take care of me despite all of the hell i put it through, but just because im healthy on paper doesnt mean this shit doesnt terrorize me on a daily basis. anyways at that point i just fucking snapped (which is very out of character for me cuz im rather shy) and i told her that she had no idea what she was even talking about, that anyone with half a brain let alone a degree in psychology shouldnt talk to someone with an eating disorder like that (which she KNEW i had walking into this bc thats what the whole appointment was about), and explaining to her that the stress i have around food is ruining my life and preventing me from doing pretty much anything i want/have to do. after yelling at her she changed her disposition entirely and started acting like a dog with its tail between its legs which was pretty gratifying at least. i was like openly sobbing very loudly afterward tho and like everyone in the office could hear me which i found to be embarassing but Oh Well. then me and my bf talked to her supervisior and told them what happened and they were actually very receptive and apologetic so heres to hoping she gets fired (: also she wasnt even a fuckin doctor so the whole thing was pointless but luckily i got an earlier appointment with my doctor cuz someone cancelled But Yeah Ive Been Fucked Up Ever Since

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moon3unny · 4 months

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‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Christmas update 24.12.2023

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Please just block dont report

Alright so this morning I was still 54,kg same weight but at least I didnt gain right so thats a win. I was feeling really shitty but I pushed through with cold brew and cooked a whole lot of christmas dinner. I had to eat obviously but Ill use it as my metabolism day! ate lasagna but I only ate half of one piece because I legit could not eat any more like i was so full I was starting to feel sick.

ate some sausages a few chicken nuggets- but overall I am so full that its uncomfortable and I feel sick. but this will be a huge metabolism day so im trying not to cry about it.

Im not going to weigh myself tomorrow for my own sanity

theres so much food left over I cooked that I dont need to cook tomorrow which is pretty slay. so I can start low restricting tomorrow again :3

I got an eyeshadow pallete, a kuromi plushie and a thermal coffee cup so I can keep tea,soup or coffee hot when im upstairs since I drink stuff so slowly it gets cold quickly

anyways heres some tea:

my sister right. I dont fatshame I dont give a single fuck ab anyoens weight only my own but shes an emotional binge eater and shes been medically obese for most of her life now which is no problem as long as shes healthy just repeating this: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSES WEIGHT BUT MY OWN. if u fatshame then respectfully: block me.

the problem is: that she tries blaming how much she eats on everyone else but herself. she asked me to hand her the chicken nuggets on the other end of the table so I did, and then I handed her a sausage too thinking she would want it too- I only HANDED IT TO HER and she GRABBED IT. I DID. NOT. place it on her plate she could have said no and I wouldve just put it back.

later when she was full she complained about "having to eat this sausage" as if I forced her to. she kept going on about how I put it directly on her plate. so we kept going back and forth ab how I did NOT put it on her plate I offered it and she TOOK IT WITH HER HAND?? NO SIGN OF NOT WANTING IT WHATSOEVER and then she kept going on and on ab with that self centered tone and audacity to blame me for making her eat more so when I told her thats not what happened like 3 times like it didnt happen legit 10 min ago she kept denying it and lowkey trying to gaslight me??? OVER A FUCKING SAUSAGE? "thats not what happened (deadname) wdym" AND SHE HAD THE FCKN BALLS TO SCOFF TOO???????

LIKE I COULDNT GIVE LESS OF A FUCK IF U DONT WANT TO SEEM LIKE U ARE EATING TOO MUCH BUT DONT BLAME IT ON ME????? I LITERALLY SPENT HOURS IN THE KITCHEN TO COOK ALL OF YALL A WHOLE MENU WHILST FIGHTING THE DARK SPOTS IN MY VISION U FUCKING BITCHBAG. anyways that pissed me off so much because she only acted like that bc our dad was sitting right in front of us at the dinnertable and she doesnt want him to comment on her eating which is very valid and relatable but ur fucking horrible if u make ur literal YOUNGEST SIBLING suffer for it.

Hi. Im the youngest sibling yet Im basically the oldest sibling bc they both cant cook for shit. I handle every argument that breaks out in the house andI protect both of my older sisters whenever my dad gets in a screaming fest with them. me. the. youngest. I never had any older siblings because Im the one handling them.

Ill rant ab her in another post this is basically already too long sorrayy

#ed not ed sheeran #prorecovery #only pro recovery #tw ed diet #⭐️ving #tw ana diary #⭐️rve

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ethereallywinnie · 10 months

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Hey so its been a while…

A lot has happened since my last ‘breakdown’. I know that I am severely depressed and anxious but looking back throughout my life, something always felt different, i always felt weighed down. Like i couldn’t breathe, express and be grounded in my body. I always go back to thinking; Where did it all go wrong? Why do I think this way? Why do I act like this? Why do I self-sabotage? Always being in a state of question and fog that it is so hard to really know who i am and my identity is in this world. I feel like I’m never going to get the answer to some of these questions, like they will just linger there with no direction. Like me.

Like my previous posts, I have a hard time getting a fucking grip. Each time I feel like I can be strong and take control of my life, something leaves me feeling in less control than before. It feels like I get the wind knocked out of me each time. Even in my childhood, things would go well for a minute, and then all of a sudden my heads being banged against the kitchen cabinet. So shit like that. I feel like I’ve i emulate that chaotic unpredictable energy, at first it was just my environment but now its me. Now I’m the one destroying my happiness and my accomplishments. I cheated on my partner because I could not believe that I deserve that intimacy, love and compassion she has given me. I don’t know why tf would i bring myself to do that, but I hurt a lot and i guess that was the way it manifested. In no way I am excusing my behavior, yes trauma plays a role but I am still responsible for my choices and who they impact. We are going to couples therapy soon, in order to figure out a couple things. It’s not clear atp if we are going to stay together but therapy would help us better communicate. I have this habit that when my partner is trying to talk about their feelings about what I’ve done, its hard to empathize and be there for her without hating myself and shutting down.

In my childhood, I was a “trouble-maker” ( I don’t believe I was but main reason kids act out is because they want attention or needs are not being met. Mine definitely weren’t, like I wanted to be like every other kid but instead i felt so isolated, my “sister” and mother would often exile me because of my behavior it felt like. I never had a voice or an opinion. My parents even said the only reason they had kids was because we were their servants. They definitely did treat us like so too.) It was just exhausting. I was anxious everyday I cam home because I felt like i was always under a magnifying glass because i was so “sneaky, untrustworthy, fast”. I remember having thought as a child like “well if im such these things, they must be true, I am sneaky, untrustworthy, manipulative”.

This wasn’t just at home chile… I had to deal with the torment in school too. Growing up in NJ was brutal for a black girl like me. One wasn’t like Black American, I was from Haiti. We didn’t have the same social cues and customs. I was made fun of the way i looked, dressed, talked, everything. There was a year in school wear my dad got so frustrated selecting back to school shoes that he picked the ugliest option because i dont fucking know. (We never knew why he did or said the things he did, it was always walking around eggshells with him). Anyways, that whole school year i was made fun of for wearing brown and orange hiking sneakers from sketchers. Look I know my family was struggling with money but come on, especially it was the year Jordan’s were coming out and if you didn’t have them, you were basically a loser. I should be grateful, but it was hard to be when you were told in so many ways that you dont matter. It doesnt matter that you dont like that color or would prefer a different style. That made me learn how to take shit with a smile because if I didn’t like it, that would be another issue I’d regret even expressing.

Anyways, what do i do now. Im so exhausted.

I hate everything I took with me from childhood, I want to release all of that gunk and dirtiness. I want a do-over, a hard fucking reset.

Lately, i have been resonating a lot with BPD. Specifically quiet or discouraged. I am fine on the outside but inside I feel like a little demon running around going crazy and screaming for relief. Like nothing is soothing it.

My IPad is about to die so that’s it for now. Sorrows and Prayers.

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hyerinsplace · 1 year

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Mel

simple. over time, creats amazing results.

simple is important-constantly do cabable

3simple steps-lunching her podcast

working on her marriage/making mental hearth stronger

make the move from busy stressful life.

she changed live. reinvented life.

life is : long road trip

future-Open road.

think about open road ahead.

1.where do you wanna go next

2.how fast/slow?

3.who do you wanna have in the car with you?

she loves BDay.

why?

1.stil here

2.exsistance. breathing. alive.

how cool is that?

3.Possiblily and magic

of your Life Future Next year...

break from your Past self.

think bigger. hopeful. inpired.

'fresh start effect'

(bd is an example.)

a Clean page , fresh start, whole new year..

feeling inside starts power to change.

natural mental starting line.

how cool is it?

sports season, breakup, wedding,monday,...

she bought new book from this effects.

any triggeer make your change.

"temporal lendmarks."

date/experince...

another mile on the road of your life

all kinds of possiblity stretch on your head.

this landmark creats a break from the past you.

it seperate you.

open the new door whole new vision of yourself.

lets hold hands. seat side by side. lets imagine

what might be possible in the next year in our lifes

if we let go of the past. and hold on your dreams.

->allowe yourself to have Fresh start.

dont have to wait. Turn the Page on the past and start wring new chapter today.

use 3 simple steps.

change is Possible.

if they can do it, then i can do it.

others succes is just Prove.

같은 방식으로 성공하거나 진행되진 않겠지만

같은 시간이 걸리진 않겠지만

그가 했다면 너도 할 수 있다.

limitless success- its not for everyone. you

변화시킬 수 있는건 있다.

2년전 멜은 지금의 멜이 아니다.

i saw dead in.

i was 52, suck in. stucked, scared.

people stabbed. feel so damn alone.

angry sad, living like caged animal.

husband is struggling with depression.

온갖 고난의 종합체.

(behind story of her 52th birthday.

and she recorded video.

feeling lost. not exciting. fired. losing talk show.

lost her book/speaking business.(covid i guess)

move on from more than 20years home.(for her son's school)

new life(yet to creat yet)

and she laugh while watching her old video-

웃으며 봄. 다시 돌아간다면 자신에게 큰포옹을 주고싶다.

힘든 순간이기에 그러나 .face it 이라고 말할것.

look mel. you gotta remember who you are

hey woman, if you wanna fly, you gotta give up the shit that weigh you down.

fact is there is always something you can do

to make yourself feel just a little bit better.

a little better(no matter whats going on)boost in your mood and attitude, in any situation.

she hats'it is what it is"

상황을 만드는건 자신이 어떻게 받아들이느냐이다.

its what you make it to be.

where do i begin?you begin by making your wish.

close your eyes. what do you want your next year looks like?

beat and breath, and think.

'i dont wanna stay in this one anymore.'

thats good. thats a good wish.

'dont want' is easy to change.

"if i can do it, so can you."

Recognize and name the feeling. 너를 휘감는 그 괴로운 감정들을 이름붙인다.

move your body. 움직이면 뇌가 변한다. 기분 좋게 could think more clearly.

do one thing that makes you happy.

do a brain dump.

use the mentra 'this is Temporary.'

its Timeline of your life.

and it could happen, up side down could happen cause its Life.

but everything is Temporary. and start dreaming again.

i woke up feeling lost today.

because i havent created something new to lookforward to.

and thats the Secret : How youre feeling right now,

is a Function of what you See in the Future.

i want you to dream big.

put something on the paper.

something calls to you, give you something to lookforward to to go for. pull yourself to.

how low i feel, i have a choice.

난 선택할수있다. 뭘 할지, 어떤 사람이 될지.

5.4.3.2.1Push myself.

to create my future.

1.make a wish.

ask yourself one powerful question.

what do i want the next year of my life to look like?

2.no matter how you feel, Start taking the actions that a line what you want in your life.

stop wating something before you making an action.

if you moving, youll keep moving.

조금의 에너지가 필요하다.

act like the person you want to become in the future no matter how you feel in the present moment.

day by day beak by break action by action..

find the prove that you can do it.

its all around you.

its complete game change.

see people as a light on the path on your future self.

i did not see other people like that.

thay robbing me.

stinge jealous attitude.

she jealous her friends, her beautiful kitchin/kids...

웃는 척 했지만 아주 질투하고 싫어했다.

someones happiness somehow robbing me mine.

Opposite.

their beuatiufl kids/kitchen/relationshipt/success...

i can work for that too to make it mine.

그들의 행복이나 성공을 나의 자극제로 이용,

나도 그걸 가질 수 있도록 하라.

질투의 반대에 사라.

youre not competetion with anyone.

your excuses or fear, sitting there and wating sign.

were not doing that anymore.

youre gonna start action what you want now.

but You are others Light for their path too.

you just dont know about it.

어떻게 해야할지 해결법을 모르겠더라도 괜찮다.

그냥 난 변하고싶어 이 말도 괜찮다.

do a little thing makes you feel just a little bit better.

buy flower, watching tv and laugh a little

eercise,,, walking toward.

so everyday, wokeup and try to feel better.

기분은 여전히 나아지지않더라도.

over time, day by day...

that positive forward action could make chagne.

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