#and i wish i could make it hurt less

[ganondoodle]

didnt want to talk about it but i feel like im actually going insane

anti-queer laws are popping up everywhere, fascism is on the rise in every country around me, including my own which is famous for the atrocities of its past that happened not even 100 years ago and only got this far bc no one thought he'd get through with it

a pandemic that WASNT defeated and is STILL around and endangering everyone yet nigh everyone acts like its a thing of the past

the entire creativity of humanity being stolen and chewed up in a maschine so companies can make an endless shitty new schlock of media to pay even less to even less people and earn more or for some entitled tech bros thinking that all art is is the jpeg on screen deluding themselves into believing they now have a privilege denied to them by the talent-god even tho that god never existed and the only one who denies them the ability to make art is themselves

the climate visibly going haywire and few things are done against it, if at all even

and now i am watching a genocide happen while every piece of media joins into the propaganda of the oppressor, of course i dont think hamas is good, a terror organisation is a terror organisation no matter who they claim to fight for, and i am not defending them, hell no, but why are we being told to cheer on an entire country being wiped out for something a small group did, knowing that wiping palestine from existence has been the goal of israel all this time and this has now given them a good excuse and international support to finish it off?? the war russia started agaisnt ukraine is still ongoing, isnt there also a genocide happenign in armenia? and one against a minority in china as well?? probably even more i havent even heard about..

i didnt know about the details of whats happening to palestine until a few days ago either but now, on top of everything, i feel like im losing it, what even is happening, how am i supposed to just .. go on with my daily life while all of that is going on, not losing your faith into humanity has become a real challenge over these last few years even tho i know its vital to keep it alive bc the pit of thinking its all lost anyway is deep and only makes things worse for everyone

#ganondoodles talks #personal #tw genocide #tw genocide mention #im sorry for that sudden shift in tone #i just #its making my brain hurt #i am trying not to doomscroll #and limit what i read and see #but i also want to stay informed #i just wish people could let people live #or better ... that these kinds of regimes never got the power to do shit like this #so many lives - culture and history deliberately destroyed for what #for what???? #i might be less online for a bit bc its hard to stomach all of this constantly

[mxtxfanatic]

Not mxtx critiquing how you can’t make villains 3-dimensional without people starting whole fandom wars over it because people can’t accept a villain being both terrible AND sympathetic due to their background.

And what did the fandoms surrounding her books do when she made her villains 3D?

#svsss #human reads svsss #looking at you villain stans #people who love to create fanon versions of the likes of shen jiu jc jgy qi rong #and more but those are the main ones #and they’re all terrible people #just cause they had hurts once upon a time don’t make them any less terrible #and i really do wish we didn’t have to go to war just saying that #we waste so much time arguing over the legitimacy of calling a villain a villain #when we COULD be talking about the important shit #like all the ways sqq pretends not to already be head over heels for lbh

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Oh hello 3am existential crisis. Haven't seen you around in a while...can't say I missed you.

#i don't understand how i can feel so alone and so isolated while also having a number of good friends #all of whom im a little in love with in different ways #how can you love so many people so much and still feel lonely? #is it because of all my friends only one is in brickspace and i rarely even get to see her? #i know my lack of physical contact is rather alarming (i get one or two hugs a month if I'm lucky.) #(and even casual non accidental touches are rare. i get maybe one of those a week.) #is that why i feel so alone and isolated? the lack of physical connection? #i wish i had a friend i could move in with. i wish loving people didn't hurt so much. #i wish i could believe the sentiment that all relationships are important and that platonic love isn't lesser than romantic just different #but ive yet to actually see that be true. i feel like ill never be someone's most important person. or even 6th most important. #im just so fucking tired #of everything. #is it me? am i off putting? do i do things unintentionally that keep people at a distance? what am i doing wrong? why can't I connect? #i KNOW im not broken for being autistic or ace or aro etc etc but fuck if I don't feel broken most of the time #fucking hell #definitely time for bed #i bet these feelings are being exacerbated by pmdd just like my fibro and my stomach and my sleep #doesn't make the feelings any less upsetting #fox thoughts #☉

[mitamicah]

It is not often I can stay away from sharing the joy of music and songwriting at an open mic event - today was one of those nights unfortunately...

#i felt so out of place and awkward there #maybe it wasnt the right time #it seemed like everybody knew one another and i was the odd one out #listening to the person starting out the evening by playing and talking about his songs made me feel so insignificant #i felt so tiny so useless and so utterly alone #like what i would share would not be worth anything #so i went home #the self hate cloud overtook me and i am still feeling the boiling anger but directed at myself #i am glad i went there in a way but yeah it wasnt meant to be #hopefully i will calm down soon so i can go to bed without hating myself too much #that would be nice #could be now i should actually respond to inbox messages for forever ago #hopefully that wont make me look attention/validationseeking #sometimes i wish i had a partner if only to have somebody to hold when i feel shitty #in such moments i feel extra touchstarved #i needed the pressure to get myself out of my head somehow #so i bore my nails into my neck #a hug would have been better and less hurtful #but nobody is around and i only have myself to blame for that #stop it micah nothing good comes out of these thoughts #sorry about that #micahs thoughts

[parameddic]

lies down on the dash. hello

#today was sooooooooooooo #----------------------------------- (long) #i wish it were more --- #and less people-y. wow #so much people #sooooooooOOOO much people #tired tired. back hurt. back hurt #not sure if i can be ... if ... can get up and make the wheat pack warm when i could just be here instead #and ohhhhhh juni is on top of me #one more day of work and then 4 days off that will be so nice. i'll turn into a slug #love you. thanks

[oglegoggle]

I feel like I want to go home but I don’t have one of those. I want to be near my best friend. I’m frightened by rampant and violent transphobia in our culture. I’m somewhere safe and secure but I feel vulnerable. I want to hide. I want to be left alone. I want to be near others. Everyone is so distracted and overwhelmed by life. I feel invisible. I want to be held.

#this is goggles #that’s the crux that never quite goes away #I want to be held so very much it’s like the thread my sanity hangs onto #I miss my habibi #but I also feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmingly needy #I feel like I need to be more aloof as not to be demanding and bothersome #I get more obsessed with partners way more than they do me and it’s just like a recurring thing I know I have to dial back to be paletable #it would feel nice to receive the kind of obsession I dish out #I don’t quite understand why I’m so different I kinda hate it about myself quite a lot #I just want to be held everything melts away into quiet peace when I’m held but just laying around snuggling for hours is massively boring #my body hurts so much less it’s like signifigant I don’t understand why it’s so signifigant #my right shoulder and my lower ribs and my neck especially #I wish my body wasn’t like this it continues to feel like a character flaw that I need to overcome #I want to find a doctor I can trust again but I’m more than a little bit overwhelmed by the prospect and mistrustful and vulnerable #Find some kind of magical way that I can make my body quit hurting #mend where I broke my ribs a couple years ago and find the source of the mystery organ pain and whatever happened to my shoulder #I wish I were building a house right now with funky 70s interior design #I wish I could afford to build a house #I wish I could force myself to just shut up and work some shitass job doing nothing of use like trading stocks and make bank and build #I feel antsy like I want to run again but I don’t actually I am perfectly content vibing right here #I can’t just keep running espesh with the fucky paperwork on my van #I am so tired of driving it’s so stressful #the road trip out here was notably brutal on me in a way no other road trip has been before #I miss my best friend I’m trying so hard to be patient for their arrival here #but some gnawing anxiety in my brain worries that they’ll put it off indefinitely and eventually back out #my own insecurity screaming that I’m not worth the massive life altering changes that moving out here with me would bring #my insecurity screaming that I’m not good enough #screaming that I’m too difficult and needy and strange and clingy and demanding and ill put together and chaotic and messy #I feel like I’m barely keeping it together I feel like I’m always teetering on the edge of total and complete life shattering failure #Like everyone around me only barely tolerates my presence and will throw me away and chase me off on a whim

[deityofhearts]

i think also I’m just so quick to like genuinely love and care about people and I cling to the people I care about but like obvs people won’t have the same amount of affection for me as I do them and that’s also something i need to learn to be okay with

#deity dialogue #it’s a problem I’ve had like as long as I can remember #I love people so much and I hate it so much #because I just give as much of my love as I can to people and i end up getting myself hurt as a result and it’s rarely the other persons #fault #I only place blame on them if they’re knowingly and actively being hurtful ya know? #cough my mom cough #I also just have this in combination with rsd and relationship based trauma (also my moms fault lol) and it’s like #I wish I could care less I wish I didn’t like her attached to people so easily and I wish I could be fine with normal relationships #I either am really hard to befriend (I am scared of people at first and only tentatively let people into my life and then I gain affection #for them so fast once I start letting down my walls) #it’s just ugh. ugh ugh ugh #almost every relationship I’m in is also terrifying I’m so scared of losing people love and friendship #I constantly feel like one day people will wake up and be tired of me and it makes me want to cry

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[righteousliar]

not to be sad on main but I miss my mom

#especially our phone calls #she always had some wry take on something that found a way to make me laugh #grief tag #may as well toss that in there #but yeah i just really wish i could talk with her right now #I'd feel a lot less crazy if i could just call her and joke about how weird my life is right now and beg for some advice #even if realistically I'd take about 23% of it and ignore the rest to her ire #I'd kill to hear her tell me that it'll be fine. just one more time wouldn’t be enough but I would still take that in a heartbeat #i just had my 25th birthday recently and it felt so empty to experience a milestone without her #i know it's not that big but it got me thinking about bigger milestones #and it all snowballed from there #my dad and i have also been having trouble since earlier this year for reasons relating to her passing which has thrown a wrench into things #i wish i could call my mom to ask her how she would really feel about it. or just bitch about the situation for a while. #as it is it feels like my only two options are to grin and bear it at a detriment to myself or to speak my mind and hurt the relationship #and while she may not have a simple answer ready for me she would still listen to me and emphasize with my point of view #while also pointing out when I've gone way off base and have misunderstood the situation #idk um. if you got this far thanks for reading my ramblings ig? #mumblings

[sobuildabeautifulcity]

censoring the name so it doesnt show up in searches bc its not my intent.

so i read the 1-6 of h/eartstopper online the other night because i was pretty sure i couldn’t actually watch the show and its free online. it was fine i think it definitely had a target audience that wasnt me, and if it had come out 10-15 years ago i’d have eaten it up.

i was right that i wouldn’t be able to watch it, it’s too… teenagery? and i just can’t get through that kind of thing for various reasons that have grown stronger as ive got older. its similar in a way to my inability to watch my / mad /fat diary - i never finished it because it was just… too much

the online version was a nice read, quite predictable (not in a bad way) and i think it was written in a way that was very appropriate for the characters?

it definitely reminded me of being a teenager but.. idk. i think theres a level of sadness associated with my teen years that makes things like this too difficult. the whole premise of found family is too intertwined with negative feelings for me (in the range of longing & jealousy & desire rather than anything else) and i just can’t quite deal with seeing people getting that.

ive watched a few clips of s2 on twit,ter that have come up and theyre sweet but im absolutely solid i couldn’t watch it. which is a little shame, but im not too disappointed - i think because i never expected to watch it. i am really glad it exists though. i hope 15yo queer kids can watch it and see their reflection in it. (and beyond 15yo but. thinking about myself.)

#eli’s nightblogging #like also theres the mental health storyline which. #i hate to say is cliche bc thats not really what i mean #but it was very much ‘yeh of course thats whats happening w u’ #i think its handled well - but for me it just makes me a little.. im not cringing but it makes me a little uncomfortable #in ways i cant fully express and i dont know that i ever could #my internal age 15 self is jealous that they can be so openly queer - and not my past self but the 15yo who lives inside 30yo me #age 15 i didn’t understand queerness beyond ‘we dont talk ab gay people’ or ‘gay/lez is a word we use to hurt or insult people or things’ #so. maybe not so much. but the me now who wishes 15yo me had a better understanding.. yeh #mightve hurt less people

[shmingleping]

Day four ? without any sleep

#personal #thoughts #drugs #iv drug addict #too much in my head #never stops #constantly thinking #never productive though of courses #mostly my fears that there is literally nothing i can do to escape them or even make hurt less #thoughts of why and what it is i hate about myself #how much i wish i could go back #or just change things now #either way theres so many regrets #so much i cant forget #i cant forgive myself either #im getting closer and closer to ending this shit every dqy #even more so when i get stuck in such a bad place that i cant catch a breath while sobbing uncontrollably #so much guilt too #i feel so much pressure to be more than my father while being nothing like him or my sister #but just existing each day feels overwhelming #even when i can use its still bad. #nothing helps. it just makes me feel horrible and undeserving #i was not supposed to be a human alive in this world #especially not having this mind i have paired with this body and all else that i wish i was strong enough to ignore or heal #my real wish would be to have never existed in the first place at all #everyone would be so much better if i wasnt making life worse for them #dreams of living thoughts of suicide

[beeapocalypse]

dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared

#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this #shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this #i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t #know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte #just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human #^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it #and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just #got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is #a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility #i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own #i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry #i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death #is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to #these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave

[alchemiclee]

I hope someone writes a good fic about the high cloud quintet with all the messy pieces of lore we have because i'm very unsatisfied with what we got and I want MORE OF THEM. don't know why i'm so obsessed with this tragic group of friends but 😭 IM SO FEELINGS ABOUT THEM but also empty because they didn't satisfy me with what they gave us lmao I require more. but that was the end and i'll never get more....unless someone writes a great fic about them.....!

#hsr #words #one of the things that bothered me most was not seeing dan heng react to learning about blade/yingxing? hrm #everything in star rail seems super disconnected and rushed and i wish they could do the stories better #so i need someone to write a thing and fill in the gaps and add more and satisfy my need for a good story about these tragic losers #i want more baiheng because she seemed like the most adorable lovable thing 😭 #i want more yingxing because i love him a lot for some reason i cant even figure out #i want jing yuan before he became a very sad and distant and lonely old man whose constant smile seems painfully fake..... #i want to see more of jing liu before she went crazy with mara #i want the gay and the lesbian hoyo cant give for legal reasons (xingyue/bailiu) #i want a story maybe starting with them meeting. becoming close and very good friends #maybe leading to their end dbdndnksksks it would hurt but im sure fandom writers can write it better than the game writers😅 #im just rambling and reading makes me fall asleep and idk if anyone would ever write this but 😭 #idk why my brain even clung onto them so much. theres other tragic friend stories this didnt happen with. why this one #i'd love a comic/manga about this group too but that even less likely than a fic. im sure other people like this group too #and maybe one is a fic writer. but an entire manga piece about them is unlikely 😅 #its just easier for me to read when i can SEE it. thats just a preference tho #i feel like lore accurate fics arent as common tho? like taking all the lore you know and piecing it together into a whole story? #not that i read fics much so idk what im talking about but 99.9% if ones ive see are just ship fics only #what am i talking about i lost my train of thought lmao #anyway jingliu better come home. im at like 60 pity. where is she!!!!!!

[singlethread]

.

#idk like I know my parents will like never let me be homeless or starve or whatever #but it does just make me feel 🙃 that they were just on a three week vacation in Europe #and when I call freaking out about Rosa and whatnot that my dad just asks me if I got the gas money he randomly sent me last week #and like he didn’t have to send me gas money but also #my parents saying they wish they could do more but not when I know they’re capable #it really hurts #my mom is also retired rn and I cried on the phone last night saying how much I wish she was here #and I just kinda realized today there’s not really anything stopping her from coming #meanwhile my sibling who’s just slightly less broke than me sent me some money #idk maybe I’m being stupid #but I truly really am grateful for all of you and I don’t know what I would do without everyone’s support on here

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt