#and i’ve always just considered myself more to be just ‘gay’ than ‘a lesbian’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cowboyjen68 · 1 year

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hi jen! i’ve been following you for a very long time, and i haven’t considered myself lgbt in any way (i just think you’re the coolest), but i’ve had a bit of a strange experience this year — i seemingly fell completely in love with this friend of mine, this strong and kind and beautiful woman. we’ve always had a very close and special friendship, and she’s basically everything i’ve ever wanted. like i said i’ve never felt something for another woman before, but she makes me feel really special. she makes me feel like i’ve never felt before. and it’s kind of been weighing on me, because the experience of loving her has been so much more enormously positive and joyous for me than the experience of loving any man i have in the past. and it makes me feel kind of comfortable to love her and be a woman with her. so i feel conflicted. obviously i know i don’t have to (or can’t?) redefine my whole identity because of this one experience, but it feels so special and different and right

Hi. I know our culture ( including the LGBT+ culture) pushes this notion that we must pick one and go crazy with it. Get the tattoos, hang up a flag, wear all the shirts. It seems everyone if very keen on making sure everyone has a tight grasp on their sexuality and must them immediately and head first dive into whatever they perceive as that "community".

The real facts are, humans are complex but in a world less full of constant information about sexuality and attraction and whatever other kind of boxes people seem to NEED us to fit perfectly in, sexuality would be simple. We would grow, learn, experience things and eventually understand what fulfills us and who we are truly sexually and emotionally able to bond with in a meaningful way.

Some of us figure it out early. Perhaps we can push aside the noise or we had good role models who gave us space to explore while setting healthy examples. Some of us just need experience and time. Others go through life not really caring to name their sexuality beyond the moment or relationships they are currently experiencing.

Being a lesbian I can't speak for or understand bisexuality except knowing that I have a firm sexuality and know understand who I am attracted to and why. So my best guess is any sexuality is like that, straight, bi, gay etc. It takes time and life experience to figure things out and bisexuality is often sort of either placed as a blanket on people as in "all people are a little bisexual"--(They ARE NOT) or " if you are bisexual you are probably just gay". Both bullshit information that is out there more than it deserves to be. SO hearing those things women who meet another woman who piques her interest think "I am straight, it is just this one time and it probably isn't real" OR " was i wrong all these years about men and I am really a lesbian". Being bisexual is lovely and powerful because you get to explore both sides of the human experience in a meaningful way.Being attracted to men and women should be celebrated as a unique way of experiencing the world.

Bisexuality is a real thing, Even if it is one special woman that wakes up that feeling and it never happens beyond that, enjoy that emotion and connection. You can decide if you would like to be "out" or not on either side of that relationship. It is up to you.

I hear later in life lesbians say similar things to what you say and there is a push in our society to be straight because that is the default, the majority of people are straight. It is up to you if you want to weigh the connection you have had to men and how you feel about this woman and decide if you past relationships were more based on what you though you were supposed to be doing and less informed by your true attraction and needs. In retrospect you might realize that all along your "attraction" to men was superficial, a duty or role you thought you had. It is okay to explore that. Don't worry to much about either label and it is okay to be wrong.

I believe it is not our sexuality is not what changes but, with time and experiences, our understanding of it does.

#lesbian #bi woman #sexuality

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merp-blerp · 10 months

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My updated opinions on Gaylor, from a lesbian Swiftie

Disclaimer: I will be linking to some Gaylor posts where I get my info; please do not attack anyone who made these post if you don’t agree with them. Just scroll away or click out of the post. And do the same with mine if you don’t agree with me. I don’t condone harassment of any kind to anyone who hasn’t done anything wrong.

So in this older reblog of mine, among others, I spoke out on my opinions on “Gaylor”, a sub-fanbase in the swiftie fandom based on the belief that Taylor Swift is a part of the LGBTQ+ community secretly, or half-secretly. However, my thoughts have evolved and I want to make my personal opinions clear. My feelings are always evolving and that’s okay. They may continue to change. This has been stuck in my drafts for months. I’ve always wanted to make this post since I began posting about Taylor so often around the pandemic, but for a while the time never felt quite right and more importantly my thoughts weren’t clear. Several events had made me want to make this post and I think I’m ready to finish and post this.

I’ve been a Taylor Swift fan since 2010, but I only began to consider myself a swiftie around 2018 because that’s when I started really looking into Taylor as a person. To me a swiftie is someone who not only occasionally listens to Tay’s most popular songs, but someone who is actively in the fandom and possibly knows some basic information on Taylor. At the very least, a swiftie knows more than what’s on the radio (doesn’t mean that you’re not a “real fan” if you’re not a swiftie by my definition of one). When I started to enter the fandom, trying to learn info on Tay, the first pieces of it I saw were the Kaylors, because I’m gay and my internet algorithm knew that all too well. I actually thought it was true at the time, in the sense that I didn’t know it was a theory and thought that it was just some info I didn’t know. I remember being confused on why I had never heard about Taylor’s girlfriend Karlie Kloss before. Once I leaned it was just a theory I somewhat distanced myself from that side of the fandom because I didn’t want to get too wrapped up in a conspiracy theory. I was literally in a class that was all about not doing that at the time.

I continued my journey to do my research and felt confident enough to call myself a swiftie by 2020. I started seeing what I now know were just fragments of how some typical swifties view Gaylors. Some seemed distant and unassociating (not really homophonic, though), so I felt subconsciously reassured to continue my semi distant nature towards them. When Kit Conner’s unfortunate outing happened I felt even more validated. I didn’t want to think Gaylors were bad, but I didn’t know what to really think of them and continued to stay distant. I’ve always respected respectful Gaylors. Eventually Jaylor/Toe broke up. I made a post about how this breakup affected me at the time. I am admittedly a very hopeless romantic. The general narrative of Jaylor/Toe was something I really connected to when it came to my wants for my own love life. So it effected me pretty greatly. But it did help open me to looking more into Gaylors. Maybe I was trying to get my hopeless romantic fix somewhere. But really I think I just felt free to do so while Taylor was publicly single; like I wasn’t “disrespecting” any relationship by doing so. I had already thought about looking into the Gaylors before, to the point where my paranoid anxiety disorder very very briefly wondered if I jinked Jaylor, so my Gaylor research wasn’t necessarily connected to the breakup. It just kicked it into full gear.

So, the idea of Kaylor to me. Pretty cute! It’d be a great story. And I think some theories are cool. There are some that don’t make sense to me, but there are some that are super interesting. I saw one that theorized that Taylor burning down the lover house was representative of her burning down this albums 1-10 era we’re closing in on so that the next era can begin with her entering a new phase in her career. Presumably in this theory, a phase where she’s out and gets to write songs about the people she wants to. I’ve seen the coincidences/Koincidences. All that sounds possible. I also get that Jaylor/Toe had inconsistencies in it’s assumed narrative, likely ‘cause you never know the full story of anything when it comes to celebs. I’ve heard the audio of Jack seemingly slipping up during that one interview. Yes, “Wonderland” could totally be about Dianna Agron. Yes, I want to take my future girlfriend to Big Sur now—what’s it to ya—it looks so cozy and sweet. Karlie and Taylor’s pasts are arguably more “parallel lines” than Taylor and Joe’s. I see the queer-coding and get that speculating Tay’s sexuality is arguably not invasive because that’s how queer people find each other in real life. We look for codes in other people. Hints they might give that they are queer. That’s a historical thing we do. She might queer-code a lot. I also see the evidence that Karlie didn’t betray Taylor (had no clue all this time the main source of evidence was Perez Hilton—the fuck? That’s not a good source). I also know that a lot of Taylor’s friends have referenced Gaylor lore very loudly, insinuating that Taylor doesn’t mind the theories. I’ve seen a lot. There is so much, and honestly, it’s fun to imagine all of this being right. I think it’s a possibility.

After all this research and contemplating, the only things I don’t care for in the fandom is the seemingly making fun of Taylor’s ex’s or beards that didn't do anything wrong to her. I don’t get what’s gained by calling Joe Alwyn rude names or censoring his name like it’s a curse word. I get and agree that bearding still happens and it’s super wrong, and you can hate what Joe might’ve represented in Taylor’s life if she’s gay and being closeted by managers or something similar to that. But why hate him or tease him personally? Especially since I’ve also seen some, typically half-hearted theories that Joe is also queer. Wouldn’t it be hypocritical to adore a closeted artist you admire, but personally hate her also queer closeted beard because… he gets in the way of a ship or narrative? Or because, by no fault of his own, Hollywood has a broken system that forces fake dating? Hate the industry, not him. Yes, he’s pretty aloof, to the point where when you tease him it feels like teasing a blank slate, but he is a human being with feelings. Maybe it’s the sensitive bullied kid in me, but it doesn’t seem light-hearted or no big deal to me. I’m not mad yet, just confused. Am I missing something or is sarcasm going over my head? Genuinely asking. This is really just a swiftie problem I think, as it happens in the general fandom too for similar reasons. I know this isn’t everyone in the fandom though.

I also don’t agree with the more… intense theories, such as Karlie’s son Levi (and her currently upcoming baby) isn’t real or not actually her’s. Or that she isn’t really Jewish and it’s all just a part of the bearding. That feels odd. Just… I feel uncomfortable touching that. Gaylors who believe these things seem to be in the minority though. I don't think being queer has much to do with being Jewish. Maybe she just wanted to convert and Josh also happened to be Jewish as well. And maybe Taylor could be like Levi’s stepmom-type figure and Josh is more like a sperm donor or something—I dunno…

If Taylor outright said that she was straight personally I wouldn’t label her as a queer-baiter because it’s not baiting to exist as you are. I think straight and/or cis people should feel comfortable with expressing things like gender-nonconformity or doing things like enjoying rainbows, and the fact that most don’t is rooted in that homophobia thing we’ve been trying to fight against since the 60s. And in my opinion real people can’t queerbait. But I get that this topic is a very nuanced one that can touch a nerve and you’re allowed to disagree with me.

I should also mention that all these opinions are exclusive to Gaylor. I’m not deep enough in other fandoms like the One Direction/Larry Stylinson or Fifth Harmony/Camren fandoms to really say anything on them specifically.

So am I a Gaylor now? I don’t know. Legitimately, do I get to call myself that? I do love, and always have loved, queer interpretations of Taylor’s music and other forms of media. I’m also confident in saying that I’m open to both Gaylor narratives and general narratives about Taylor being true. I can’t take either side as fully the truth while the other’s a lie, not because I’m shunning one of them, but because that just not how I work as a person. Nothing ever feels definitive to me unless it’s a fact in my face. I’m very factual. Not shunning Gaylors, this is just how I work. Would that count as a Gaylor? I truly don’t know.

So, Gaylors, I hope I was respectful enough to your community. If I said anything off, or anything that misrepresented your community, please kindly let me know and educate me. I’m still learning. I’m very sorry some of the swifties in this fandom are homophonic trash. I had no clue it was that bad till I saw what some people left behind in your post. Uncalled for. Taylor, queer or not, would not approve. Shade never made anybody less gay. If you’re a bigot what are you even doing in this fandom? Gaylors, just know you guys are safe with me.

Except me to now have a mix of general swiftie post and Gaylor post reblogged here (if I didn’t do that already—I might’ve without fully realizing). Thanks for reading and being respectful and kind!

🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

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stefanyd · 2 years

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So i was having a lovely conversation with @rythyme about the current rapid evolution of the BL industry, specially in Thailand - looking at the impact KinnPorsche is having, everywhere, at the moment - and it led us to a path where i was able to articulate something i’ve been thinking about or a while in regards to BL as a genre and how it relates to (and is) LGBTQ+ media.

BL might have its roots as a genre made for fangirls as fanservice, but the reality of it is, it is ALSO queer media and as the world at large embraces LGBTQ+ identities(i use the term embrace loosely here, we are all aware of the hurdles we face still), the lines have blurred into what people consider just BL - as fangirl fanservice - and LGBTQ+ content.

That does not mean that there isn't just fanservice for the sake of it out there, not every piece of media has to be nuanced and whatnot (we all like chicken nuggets every once in a while people, don’t lie, five course meals are not always where its at), but it does mean that there is more media that lands in the blended space. I believe BL media is and should be qualified under LGBTQ+ media. Bad buddy is a great example. It is 100 percent a BL, ticks all the boxes, but it is also 100 percent a coming of age, nuanced love story between two boys that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you want to go through the joy and anxieties of falling in love. That has a lot to do with the Director of the show, P’Aof, a very talented director, and an out gay man. Watching his reaction/review videos to the show, along with his peers who are also queer men, specially for the final episode, has been one of the best experiences of my life. It was hard to put into words, but hearing what these older queer/gay men had to say about this show, their lives, their experiences, the differences between their youth and today. It was mind blowing, specially because they are from a whole different culture than mine, and as my older sister who is in their age range said: “you’re watching/learning queer history.” It was both touching and a great learning experience.

BL is a genre that can be multiple things at once (like any other), but what lends itself to the blending I mentioned before is that we are not only seeing the industry as a whole growing with its fanbase, but also the fact that more LGBTQ+ voices are getting involved in the making and distribution of it.

Rythyme made a point in our conversation, “BL as a genre despite its shortcomings has always been, at its core, both queer and transgressive and it's hard to draw those lines between what's made for the ‘BL fangirl’ vs the ‘queer person’ bc those boundaries are super blurred” And i agree with that statement, because many of those BL fangirls the genre was aimed at turned out to be queer people later in life. They mentioned listening to a talk by an older Japanese lesbian who was an OG BL fan from the start of it all, and who discussed how BL helped her discover her own queerness, which was a lightbulb moment for Rythyme as they listened to it.

And that’s the thing. BL culture in the east, and slash culture in the west, they both started labeled as “fanservice for the fangirls”, and their similarities don’t end there, they are both movements that have led a lot of queer people in a journey of self-discovery. My sister @teland has almost 15 years+ on me, and as she put it:

I can't count the number of queer people of all genders and ages and everything else who I've spoken to over the past 20-odd years about slash, bl, and other intersections of queerness, fantasy, and *hope* who have said to me:

"This is where I found myself." "This is how I learned who I was." "This is how I wrote myself into my own body." "This is how I learned how to draw the boundaries of my self." And so on, and so forth.

There is nothing more queer than taking identity/self/sexuality/gender and remaking it in our own images for the sake of learning ourselves.

So yeah. i am in no way making light of, or ignoring, the fact that the fetishizing that has gone on since its inception isn't a thing (i am not a gay man, i can't speak for their struggles or issues with said fetishizing), but i feel it disingenuous to deny the fact that it, and the people it was/is aimed for have evolved.

There's surely someone out there better qualified, and with more energy than me, to address the other, more problematic side of this whole thing, where it lacks and where it fails, and I wish them all the luck. I'm genuinely just. So happy to see the growth and evolution of it as a whole. It brings me untold joy, and when there are just so many things in the world that aim to take the joy away from our lives, I want to embrace all the things that give it to me.

Now give me more GL stuff lol.

#Thai BL #Boys Love #LGBTQ+#LGBTQ+ media #asian lgbtq dramas #i am SO SORRY about how long this is #i have so much to saaaaay #i mean im leaving out a bunch of other stuff that brings even more nuance to my argument #like cultural differences #how lgbtq+ rights are being fought over as we speak in the countries that are the leading exporters of BL #and my thoughts on how revolutionary it is that this content IS so popular there and worldwide #and how i want to watch the evolution and growth of this genre and watch how it impacts the fight for those rights #and so much more oh man #someone send me to bed

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polyamorousmood · 8 months

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can you be a teenager and be polyamorous?

this sounds like a silly question, but can i explain real quick-

so i’m, ofc, a teenager, and i’ve never actually been in any kind of romantic relationship before, or even kissed anyone - not that i don’t want to, my parents are just homophobic - and idk, i think i’m polyam, but… like, am i allowed to be, if i’m a teenager? i’m ace and i already know i don’t want any kind of sexual relationship w/ anyone, and i know that polyamory is often only seen as a sexual thing by a lot of the general public, so maybe that’s why i’ve seen so much stuff online saying that kids can’t be polyam as it’s inherently sexual (i don’t think it always is), or the classic ‘they’re too young to know’ but i just feel like they’re right sometimes, like, i haven’t had the experience and years and stuff that adults have had, and that makes me feel like an idiot for even wanting anything to do w/ this part of the community.

except… it’s like. when i think of being older and married or in a relationship, i always think of it being someone who’s not a man (i’m a nonbinary lesbian), but like, i also think of it as more than one person? like. i’d be happy w/ two wives i think. or a partner who has a partner, that i’m not dating, esp since i’m ace and not of course everyone else is and everyone has different needs wants in a relationship. and while these are obviously just thoughts, i’ve also put. like. a lot of thought into it, and the traditional relationship structure (monogamous man/woman) doesn’t really seem like something that work for me. like also bc i’m aro and i could have a qpr but i wouldn’t mind if it was w/ more than one person or if my partner had like a date or other qpr partner or like… you get the gist. not even ‘wouldn’t mind’ i think it’d be neat, like the traditional relationship structure just never felt like it was right for me.

idk, i’m sorry, this ask is so incoherent. i just. wanted to know if i could be teenage and polyam, or if there’s something wrong w/ me and my thinking for wanting to be so, like i honestly don’t know if there is, and it’s not great sometimes, wanting to use a label for yourself in your head and not knowing if you… can

TL;DR (and it will be long): you can be whatever you feel, at any stage of life, forever. So, yeah, it could be other things, but if that's how your feeling, it doesn't really matter if you change your mind later. You can be it now.

So here's the thing: you do have a lot going on. All teenagers do, and as much as adults condescend to teenagers about it, the only way to figure it out for you personally is for you --personally-- to stumble through it. And you're clearly a bit overwhelmed. That's chill and normal. As stressful as it is, try not to stress it; these are all things that will be okay once the dust has settled.

When I was a teen, I didn't want to touch anyone. I thought I was ace. I barely even wanted a romantic relationship. Now I want several high-sex romantic relationships. I changed in that. I haven't changed in other ways, such as not wanting kids. Everyone told me I'd want them eventually, and here I am as an established adult, happily childless.

If you think you're poly now, you're allowed to call yourself poly! If you wanna say you're "questioning poly" or "interested in exploring" poly that's fine, too, in the same way bi people sometimes go "I'm mean I'm pretty sure I'm bi because my gender people SO HOT but some days I'm not feeling it and I've never actually had gay sex soooo for now I'm just going to call myself bicurious". And a lot of people will probably tell you you're too young to know, but that's not going to change how you feel. Maybe you'll grow in a different direction. Maybe you'll have a 10 year headstart on happiness that everyone on poly forums wishes they had. Both of those things sound fine to me. Those are both 👌👍✅ outcomes.

You can also want all those things and not consider yourself poly. Maybe you're just meant to join a commune 🤷

The point of labels is for you to be able to describe your experience, not to define you. If you think "poly" is an adequate word to describe the experience of "ace but wanting to build my life with multiple close women" then go for it! You could also describe yourself as other things to other people. Like, if you're in a very queer environment like Tumblr, you might feel comfortable saying "I wanna be in a poly lesbian QPR!" but to conservative adults you might just stick to "I'm not looking to get married too quick, its just going to be me and my best girl friends for awhile!" and to someone who's trying to understand but really isn't getting it you might choose to describe it as "I'm trying to found-family-trope my life. Like, we're not sexual, but we're everything for each other, you know?"

So I guess to wrap this up back to you initial question: "poly" isn't inherently sexual, and you can use it to describe anything you think it applies to, yourself especially. However, it may carry that connotation with others, so it might be a lot of trouble (up to you whether its worth that trouble) to identify yourself as that to those people. In your own head? do whatever the fuck you want lmao I'm not the thought police🚫🚓

Use them terms -- "poly" included -- when they suit you. Be that the current mood, the current conversation, the current stage in life, whatever.

#ask box is always open #I don't feel like I kept the thread here super well but you know what I'm getting at

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hellomynameisbisexual · 2 years

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Bisexual Visibility Day (also known as Celebrate Bisexuality Day) was first officially observed on 23rd September 1999, at the International Lesbian and Gay Association Conference in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Twenty years on, is there still a need to increase Bi Visibility?

I was born and raised in a small country town approximately 80km west of Brisbane, with Ipswich being the closest major hub. I remember Ipswich being (in)famous in the media on several occasions. As I navigated my teenage years, I always felt like I was different to everyone else or that I didn’t fit in. I could never answer the one question that was constantly tormenting my thoughts – why?

Now at 27, I’ve realised that sexuality wasn’t discussed in the environment I grew up in. The occasions that I did hear someone talk about bisexuality were always negative. I was told that bisexual people were just going through a phase, confused or greedy. I was told that bisexual people (especially women) were promiscuous or more likely to cheat. Bisexual people face numerous stereotypes and negative assumptions. I should know, I’ve heard them all. Unfortunately, it’s not just me. According to the 2019 AWEI Employee Survey, nearly 30% of Bisexual respondents hearing or being made personally aware of negative commentary, jokes or innuendo targeting the bisexual community and other LGBTIQ people within the last year.

Growing up, I also never saw myself in anyone else. I wasn’t aware of any television or movie characters that were bisexual. Or if they were, they were portrayed in a negative light. Icons ‘Bicons’ who had come out as bisexual, such as David Bowie and Freddie Mercury, consistently had their identities erased. Bi-erasure is a pervasive problem in which the existence or legitimacy of bisexuality (either in general or in regard to an individual) is questioned or denied outright.

Fittingly, visibility for Bisexual respondents is extremely important:

89.47% say that LGBTIQ inclusion initiatives are important to an organisaiton’s culture

80.61% say that out role models are important to their sense of inclusion

77.49% say that Allies have made a difference to their sense of inclusion

33.10% say that there could be more visible signs of inclusion (ally signs, flags, network posters)

The need to maintain and increase visibility and inclusion for bisexual people is not only the right thing to do, but necessary for the overall health and wellbeing of the bisexual community. Biphobia, bi-erasure and not being out has been found to be associated with poorer mental health. The Who I Am study, the largest study of bisexual people in the world to date, led by La Trobe University, has examined why bisexual people experience higher rates of psychological distress than heterosexual and homosexual people.

The study found sobering statistics:

One in four have attempted suicide;

Nearly 80% had considered self-harm or thought about committing suicide;

Over 60% have high or very high current psychological distress, with 40% reporting having had depression in the past; and

Transgender and gender diverse bisexual people experienced even poorer mental health and these findings will be released in the coming months.

The study instigated Bi+ Australia – the first national organisation set up to improve the mental health of bisexual Australians through support, education and research.

How can organisations and employees increase Bi Visibility?

Attend/promote events like Being Bi+ in the Workplace

Visit Bi+ Australia website which is full of useful information

Buy/promote Bisexual Pride Badges from Pride Inclusion Programs Shop

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sapphos-catpanions · 2 years

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“No, it’s not about young gays and lesbians – at least not in the way you think.

“When I first entered the gender debate about ten years ago, the entire concept of childhood transition was barely on the radar. It wasn’t until a few years later – especially with the debut of TLC’s I Am Jazz in 2015 – that you started to see the focus of the debate shift from adults to children. But when TERFs did notice that referrals to gender clinics were slowly starting to rise, most of them immediately interpreted it as a form of modern-day conversion therapy. Homophobic parents, so the story goes, where turning their gay sons into straight daughters and lesbian daughters into straight sons.

“At the time, that was probably an accurate assessment. When the first wave of detransitioners emerged in the middle of the 2010’s, it was made up almost entirely of young gays and lesbians. I don’t consider myself part of that wave – although I spent my high school years identifying as various flavors of transgender too, I was lucky enough to grow up in a region where access to any real medical intervention was pretty much impossible – but I would still say my own attraction to gender theory was also intimately wrapped up with my own sexuality and the pressures I felt from the conservative community I found myself in. Back then, there just wasn’t much of a reason for straight kids to find transition appealing, whereas there was a certain type of LGB kid for whom it made sense in a twisted way.

“But things have changed a lot in the years since gender theory began exploding into popular culture, and the narratives that previously made sense are rapidly becoming irrelevant. In my two and half years teaching in this district, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay or lesbian student transition to better “fit in” with heterosexuality. Nowadays, gay and lesbian teenagers mainly live their lives as, well, gay and lesbian teenagers – it’s the socially awkward heterosexuals who flock around them, desperate for a “marginalized identity” of their own, that you need to be worrying about.

“In other words: It used to be that childhood transition was a way for gay kids to make themselves straight, but now it’s primarily a way for straight kids to make themselves gay. And why wouldn’t they? In these internet-poisoned youth subcultures, being a boring straight kid (especially a boring straight girl!) puts you at the absolute bottom of the hierarchy, a totally acceptable target for barely-concealed contempt and passive bullying. I had a group of queer students who ate lunch by my desk every day, and every other joke they made was about the one “token heterosexual” who liked to hang out with them. Of course, she was non-binary too by the end of the year – you can only take peers “punching up” at you for so long before you’d want to join them on their level.

“This, more than anywhere else, is where common TERF arguments break down. It’s not that modern gender theory isn’t homophobic. It is, undoubtedly. But it’s homophobic less in the sense that it represses homosexuality and more that it elevates it to a sort of in-demand cultural signifier, wildly disconnected from any actual same-sex desire. Ironically, the TERF impulse to immediately center gay and lesbian youth in these talking points is part of the problem – most of these children are transitioning precisely because they want to roleplay as an oppressed minority, and the assumption that every social ill must always have a unique impact on LGB people in particular just feeds that obsession. If you really want to stop children from transitioning, you better start saying it’s for boring straight kids, not gay ones!

“As I wrap up, let me just say: I don’t want anyone who reads this piece to think TERFs are only “half right,” just because I’m pointing out some places where their analysis goes wrong. On everything that actually matters, they’re the only ones out there today consistently capturing the reality I see on the ground. It’s just that they noticed what was going on before anyone else did, back when all this nonsense was strictly the domain of a few fanatics and its primary victims were gay and lesbian kids; it’s no surprise that some of their talking points are in need of an update in 2022, now that gender theory is a full-blown social phenomenon. But their fundamental analysis still captures something essential that snappier criticisms from conservatives and centrists often miss.

“You can’t understand gender theory today unless you understand teenage girls today – and like it or not, you can’t understand teenage girls today if you’re tuning out the feminists who have been ringing alarm bells for decades now. So go find some TERFs and really listen to what they have to say, as long as you remember that the situation is changing rapidly and not everything that was right on the money years ago is perfectly accurate now. As for me, I’ve got about fifteen more sensitivity trainings to wrap up.”

https://wesleyyang.substack.com/p/gender-theory-in-schools-two-things?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email

#gender dysphoria #trans #nonbinary

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gaybaiter · 6 months

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i struggle pinpointing my sexuality as well, i considered myself a lesbian for most of my teen years actually. ig i consider myself “bisexual” now. but honestly i try not to think about the label. i’m just attracted to people i’m attracted to, and i was tired of having an existential crisis for liking 1 boy for every 100 girls. i was like… am i even bisexual at that rate? well i doesn’t matter, cause i don’t have to defend my sexuality to anyone but myself. and i was happiest just letting myself like whoever i liked, no matter the gender. 💕

no literally thats it like i’ve considered myself strictly gay since i was like 14 or 15 and i was always like “oh well i didnt *actually* like the girls i liked when i was a preteen” but as i kind of figure out more of my gender stuff i feel less constrained by sexuality and hearing my boyfriend the other week say his sexuality is more complicated than just gay has kinda kickstarted something in me just reevaluating what i had held to be true for several years

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adamation3 · 2 years

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I will explain myself

Firstly I got found this tier list from @royalrebelpropaganda

https://tiermaker.com/create/ever-after-high-ships-tier-74755

A lot of these opinions are my headcanons

NOTP’s

Daring/Apple - Apple is a lesbian and i ship dating with other people more

Chase/Darling - that is a gay dude and a lesbian. I do like them platonically I just really don’t like them as a couple

Platonically

Daring/Rosabella - I don’t think Rosabella is developed enough and Darings story would have benefited from his destiny being about platonic friendship with a girl isnstead of a romantic one.

Apple/Ashlynn - I guess this could have worked in one of thier first crushes was on the other but I’ve always had the headcannon that Apples first crush was Crystal.

Dexter/Cupid - I headcannon Cupid as Aro/Ace so I like them platonically I guess.

Sparrow/Dutchess - if sparrow gets a new hat she can consider him as an option. THIS IS A SPARROW HOODS HAT HATE POST. Also after reading the very details plot summary of Next Top Villian I ship Dutchess/Lizzie.

Briar/Ashlynn - I just ship them both much more with other people.

They’re alright

Bunny/Alistair - I wish they were fleshed out more and a bit more interesting but they’re very cute.

Cedar/Cerise - I never considered this but I like it.

Humphrey/Jillian - same as Alistair and bunny

Darling/Cerise - I just prefer them with other people but I think the fact that they are both are hiding secrets about their destiny is cool.

Apple/Raven - I think it’d be fun if one (or both) of them had a short lived crush on the other

Cerise/Daring they were cute together but I just don’t see it as more than that.

Briar/Hopper - it kinda felt more like a running gag and briar was never really interested but I don’t mind them.

I love them!

Hunter/Ashlynn - WE LOBE THE DRAMA!

Briar/Fayebelle - its the superior version of you’re supposed to be this villain of my story but I think I like like you.

Maddie/Raven - I just think it’s cool.

Kitty/Maddie - just imagine the mischief

Otp

Apple/Darling - the fact that it didn’t follow up on them was Epic Winter’s biggest crime.

Dexter/Raven - Pining 101. 10/10 if they both think their crush is unrequited then there is no point

Daring/Lizzie - Lizzie Hearts Fairytale First Date is the best webisode hands down.

Ships that aren’t mentioned that I like

Lizzie/Dutchess - I like to think that Dutchess has a little unrequited crush on Lizzie the whole way through the series.

Apple/Crystal - Every time I go back to rewriting EAH I always write that Apple had a crush on Crystal when they were younger and Snow found out and that’s why Crystal isn’t in Ever After High.

Kitty/Lizzie - I don’t really ship this but I really love @mimiedosa ‘s fanart of them.

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apparentlynotreallyfinnish · 2 years

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I’ve been thinking about shame a lot for the past day.

I’ve been listening to a book about why all millennials (especially women) have burnout and one chapter was about shame. As I was listening to that chapter, a friend happened to send a message to a group chat asking about shame. A strange coincidence that led to an interesting conversation. (They also heard a couple of strangers talking about shame later that day–another coincidence!)

I’ve felt shame for as long as I can remember. It’s been one of the prevailing emotions that’s caused me anxiety. I’ve always felt there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was so afraid of everyone around me finding it out somehow. I never actually stopped to think about what my horrific hidden flaw was. I remember breaking down and crying to a student health psychologist in university when she got me to say out loud that I don’t think I deserve good things because I believe I’m not good. Despite that realization, the shame didn’t leave me. It was still there. It made me feel worthless and constantly scared of the “inevitable” revelation of the darkness within me.

In the past three years, I’ve worked through a severe depression, divorce (and the end of a twelve year relationship), coming out as a lesbian and leaving my steady but soul-crushing job. For months now, I’ve felt more or less better. I still struggle with anxiety and bouts of depression, but the hardest times seem to be behind me (at least for now). But the conversation with my friend made me realize that one thing that is contributing to my happiness is me not feeling that constant shame anymore. I still don’t like everything about myself. There are aspects of me I could improve on. I’m working on it, working on me. But I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t hide myself anymore. I’ve turned my life upside down and it was hard and at times, very painful, but now I’m me. The me I was hiding is on the outside and I actually adore that person. I legit love myself.

And now I’m crying, because I hadn’t realized that before I just wrote it.

I’m not sure if it was the queer me I was ashamed of. I didn’t even know I was queer until I was in my 30s. But maybe some subconscious part of me knew.

I grew up in a place where the (Finnish) word for lesbian was basically a slur and anything other than hetero normativity was a bit suspicious and something that happened somewhere else, far away, not to “normal people like us”. The first gay person I knew was my pseudo-aunt’s adult daughter (I didn’t know her really, I just knew her mom) and she was talked about in hushed tones. “Did you hear she is one of those people?”

My childhood best friend I had lost contact with had a girlfriend when we were in our 20s. I found out through Facebook. I remember feeling a confusing mix of jealousy, elation and fear. And shame. So much shame. I was crawling out of my skin with it. The feeling horrified me. Was I secretly homophobic? I’d always considered myself an ally. I kept going back to her page and staring at her relationship status, clicking through the pictures of her and her girlfriend. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like that. I was aching and I had no idea why. It makes sense now. The part of me that knew—the repressed part of me—was in pain.

It’s been a long road to where I am now. I’m glad I took a pause and reflected a little. It’s easier to breathe now and I hadn’t even realized.

Hi everyone, I’m Appa. I’m queer. I’m a writer. I’m a mom. I’m a sister and a friend and an aunt. I’m creative, kind, funny (on my good days lol) and a bit silly. I’m forgetful, easily distracted and I hold a grudge like it’s my job. I’m a work-in-progress.

But I really, really like being me.

#Appa's rambles #this is a bit of a mess #but I'm posting just in case there's something here #someone else might recognize in themselves #and be comforted #Shame #Coming out #Lgbtq #self discovery

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kittyprincessofcats · 11 months

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On this week’s episode of “being a lesbian child of Russia-German late resettlers who hates Russia and supports Ukraine”:

- Fighting at work for the right to refuse to take care of translations into Russian (I’m a translation project manager)

- Throughout that process finding out by accident that a colleague I have to work with every day most likely supports the war

- Wondering if I’ll dare to ask my family members the “How do you stand on the war in Ukraine?” question when they call me on my birthday this year. (I avoided it last year by turning off my phone.)

Fun times.

Longer story under the cut because I need to write it down somewhere. If you’re curious about the very wide range of reactions you can get at your workplace in Germany when you say “Actually, I think helping companies continue to do business in Russia is morally wrong because of the war and I don’t want to do it”, feel free to read. Also, feel free to skip the really long part in the beginning (in italics) where I explain my background - it’s not really necessary for the story, I just wrote it down for context. (Also damn, this whole thing got insanely long, I’ll be surprised if even one person actually reads it lol.)

Okay, so first about my background, because even though I’m tired of explaining it every time, it helps make some parts of this story more understandable: My parents are late resettlers, or “Russia-Germans” as they’re often called here. Basically what that means is that their ancestors where ethnic Germans who emigrated to Russia/the Soviet Union and lived in German settlements there. They always tried to stay among themselves, didn’t let their kids marry Russians and stuff like what (which is awful, I know), spoke German at home instead of Russian, you get the idea. And they had to face a lot of harships for being German: During WW2, my grandparents were exiled to Siberia, and later my parents were also often disciminated against (for example my dad was never promoted at his job because he wasn’t considered “Russian enough”). After the end of the Cold War and the fall of the Berlin wall, pretty much my entire family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles) moved “back” to Germany, the country of their ancestors.

I was born in Germany, I’ve lived here all my life, and I’ve always considered myself German. (Not even Russia-German, just German without any additions.) I’ve been correcting people who call me “Russian” since I was a child. (And to be clear - because unfortunately due to Germany’s history any sort of “insisting on being German” can be easily read as a Nazi thing - that’s not how I mean it. I don’t think that being German makes me better or worse than anyone else. I only insist on being called German in the context of “don’t call me Russian”.)

Unfortunately, many other late resettlers and their children don’t feel the way I do and actually do consider themselves Russian. They grow up with Russian culture here (I did too, but it never made me *identify* as Russian), some of them are actually half-Russian (my cousins, for example), and just like Russians living in Germany, many of them go on and on about how great Putin is, how great Russia is, how the west is corrupt and evil and how everything is better over there. (Look, I’m usually against telling anyone to “go back to where you came from”, but honest question here: If everything’s so much better in Russia, why did you move here and why are you staying here?)

And then there’s the whole “I’m gay” thing, which, suprise - made life in a Russia-German family not that easy. In general, my observations have been that Russians & Russia-Germans living here tend to be very homo- and transphobic, misogynist, conservative, sometimes overly religious, against Covid-vaccines and against wearing masks, and just generally quite toxic and self-centered. And now of course, many support Russia’s war on Ukraine.

For all of these reasons, I’ve always treated Russians and late resettlers with mistrust at first (despite literally having that background myself - or should I say because I have that background myself and therefore experienced Russia’s ugly side myself, both through what my ancestors faced there and especially through what I faced in my family here for being gay. I know homophobia exists in every country, but Russians and those that consider themselves to be Russian in some way are just are a special kind of evil there.) And I think that’s why I feel so much solidarity for Ukraine - because Russia doesn’t want people like me to exist either.

Oh yeah, one more important thing: I only found out as an adult that my mother was actually born in Kazakhstan and not Russia. Kazakhstan was of course part of the Soviet Union back then and my mom never made that differentiation. She always refered to where she’s from as “Russia”, so I literally had no idea until I was an adult. But now in light of Russia’s war against Ukraine, I realize just how messed up referring to other ex-Soviet-Union-countries as “Russia” is, so I usually (when I don’t forget) make an effort to correctly say where my mom is from.

Now, on to the actual story: So, I have this colleague - let’s call her Anna, I’ll just change everyone’s names - who is a child of late resettlers, too. It was actually one of the things we first bonded over when I started my new job. And of course I had the same mistrust that I usually do of people who share my background, but I told myself “Well, it’d be shitty of you to judge her without knowing her, you literally have the same background”. And at first, she helped me with a lot of stuff (she helped me find a new appartment when I wanted to move, for example).

Unfortunately, over time, I’ve gotten more and more subtly-homophobic vibes from Anna - but always in a way that was still plausibly deniable. But well, when subtle incidents like that (for example making fun of my attempts at gender-inclusive language) keep piling up, you start to get a picture of what her worldview is. When I came out at work, she didn’t say anything bad, but didn’t further comment on it either. She’s also said some stuff defending anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers, which again made me raise an eyebrow in the “I’m getting some ‘shitty Russian mentality’ vibes” way.

When Russia started their full-scare invasion of Ukraine, everyone at my workplace was in shock, of course. And for a second I did wonder back then (“What if Anna supports the war?”) - but then I saw Anna comfort and reassure a Polish colleague who was scared for her family in Poland “in case they come for us next”, so I assumed “Okay, Anna’s at least against the war, then” and I never asked her after that.

Fast forward to two weeks ago: I’m supposed to take care of a new client and their translations soon. (Basically, I work for a big translation company and my job is taking care of the clients’ projects, finding good translators for them, making sure everything gets done on time, that sort of thing.) Initially, I had no problems with this client, until I saw that one of their target languages is Russian. I then researched their company and found out that they do indeed still sell their products in Russia.

Needless to say, I think it’s wrong when companies still sell in Russia. Yes, even if they’re just selling “harmless, everyday stuff” - it still supports the Russian economy. I later found out that some of my other clients do this, too, which sucks - but at least there I’m not directly helping them with it because Russian isn’t a language we do for them. That’s where the really hard line is for me: I don’t want to be the person who then has to take care of these translations into Russian, make sure they get done, and thereby directly help these companies with their still-existing Russia-business.

And then, while I was mentally going over how to tell my boss I don’t want to do this - that I’ll gladly do every other language for this client, but I don’t want to touch Russian, one of my other, existing, clients, suddently sent us a huge project to be translated into Russian, too.

Now this client doesn’t usually order Russian with us, but now they suddenly did, and there I sat, not knowing what to do in the moment. So I talked to Anna - who I share this client with - and told her about my concerns and that I think it’s wrong for companies to still sell products in Russia. And her reply rang quite a few alarm bells in my head:

Anna: No, I completely disagree with you there, but let’s not discuss politics right now.

Like... what part do you disagree with, Anna? Only the “still selling in Russia is wrong” part or the “the war is bad” part? Because the first I could still somewhat excuse, but if it’s the second then what the fuck?

I told myself that Anna most likely means the first version, but I wasn’t sure. And then I unfortunately let her talk me into taking care of that huge Russian project, mainly because in the moment, I didn’t know if I have a right to refuse. So I did it, I prepared all the files, but then gave the project over to Anna as quickly as possible. But damn, I felt so dirty and guilty afterwards, and I still do. If any Ukrainian is reading this: I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. It’s itching in my fingers to go back onto that project’s page and destroy all the files before we can deliver them to the client... but then I’d definitely get in trouble. I thought about maybe donating exactly the amount of money I helped my company make here to Ukraine to make up for it - but we’re talking about a pretty big number here that I can’t afford to donate. (Still, if someone knows good, reliable places to donate where the money will actually arrive where it’s needed, do let me know! Even if I can’t donate *that* amount, I could at least donate *something* - or I could substract what we paid the translators (so only take my company’s actual winnings from this) and then half that amount given that Anna did about half the work... still a lot of money for one person with my salary, but at least that would be humanly possible... long story short: Tell me where to best donate, I’ll figure it out from there.)

Before I took care of that project though, I did try to talk it over with my team leader / direct boss - let’s call him Ben. I talked to him about both this big project and the new client I’m supposed to take care of. And that conversation went a little something like this:

Me: *explains that I don’t want to take care of projects into Russian and why*

Ben: Oh, but whether they still want to sell in Russia is a company’s own choice.

Me: Yes, but it’s our choice as a translation company whether we want to translate that stuff for them.

Ben: Well yes, but we’re not translating anything that’s directly pro-war for them. These companies are only selling everyday products, if it was anything that could be used for the war, we wouldn’t do it.

And unfortunately, I again gave in at that point instead of insisting that it’s still wrong - because, again, I didn’t know what the consequences would be if I told my boss “Forget it, I’m not doing it either way”. Could I get fired? Could I get reprimanded? Would it be worth it to lose my job over this? If I then couldn’t find a new job, would I have to move back in with my homophobic parents?

I also spoke to the colleague who’s teaching me how to take care of this client about it and what she said was:

Lisa: “I agree, I don’t like that either, but there’s nothing I can do about it; I’m not the person who decided any of this.”

What followed were a few days of me agonizing over all of this and wondering what to do. I don’t want to touch any further projects into Russian. As terrifying as the prospect of losing my job was, the prospect of my conscience never letting me live with this again was worse. And I kept wondering if I’m just losing my mind and if it’s just me who has a problem with this - since Anna and Ben both didn’t seem to get my problem.

I asked another colleague (and frankly - I’d call him a friend by now), let’s call him Daniel, if this is just me and to my great relief he said this:

Daniel: No, it’s not just you. I wouldn’t want to do that either and I also think it’s wrong. I just don’t know if we have a right to refuse. Thankfully my clients never send anything into Russian.

I still wasn’t sure what to do at this point. I researched German law to find out if I have a right to refuse - and to my delight, I found out that yes, I apparently do. But still... I wasn’t sure, and I’m still not, how Ben would react to me straight-up refusing. It was a scary concept.

Then I finally had the idea to ask another very good friend and colleague, who’s been working for this company way longer than I have, what she thinks I should do - let’s call her Amelie. We talked for a really long time and I won’t type out that whole conversation here, just the basic gist of it:

Amelie: Ah yes, I definitely understand your problem. If I were you, I’d talk to Steve [not his real name either, of course]. He’s on the works council and is usually the most understanding of them when it comes to political questions.

Me: *tells her about the big Russian project and what Anna’s response to me not wanting to do it was*

Amelie: Yes, Anna is unfortunately very much the wrong person to ask. I heard from [name of translator] that she supports the war.

And there it was. The bomshell that I’d been afraid of, but didn’t want to be true. Because despite everything, despite all the red flags I had around her, I still *hoped* that straight up supporting war and genocide would of course not be her position because how sick do you have to be? Sublte homophobia is one thing, but supporting the war? Supporting the invasion and genocide of a peaceful countrly and people? THE FUCK?

I think I freaked out about it more than Amelie expected, because she then backtracked and said that she might have misunderstood and that the translator she heard it from likely wouldn’t like it being spread around. So I decided I’m going to ask Anna herself next time we talk - without mentioning Amelie or that translator.

But if.. if it’s true... if she does support the war... What do I do? I work with her every day, we share a client, I can’t just avoid her! Heck... she has friends in this company who are very actively helping Ukrainians and they likely have no idea! If it’s true, would I be an asshole for telling others in the company? Would it be smart to make an enemy out of her that way? If that really is her view, could I change her mind? Like fuck... if I do ask her and she does bluntly tell me she supports the war, will I even be able to keep my anger in check in that moment? Or will I just reply “In that case, go fuck yourself with a cactus; Слава Україні!” and hang up?

Amelie also had some true but also sad advice in the end: “See where you can draw that line. Talking to your boss and the works council is a good step. But no Ukrainian is going to be helped by you losing your job. You can fight for your goals better with a stable income than without one.”

Thankfully, Amelie’s advice to talk to Steve was absolutely perfect. If you don’t know what a works council is, here’s a definition: “A German works council, or Betriebsrat, is a group of elected employees who collaborate with management on behalf of the company's workforce.” Basically, they’re the people who can stand up for your rights when you have a dispute with your boss. So I asked Steve if I can talk to him “as a member of the works council”.

Some highlights of the convesation with Steve include:

Me: *explains everything about the client* [...] And basically, one of their target languages is Russian and I have a problem with that.

Steve: Because... because of the current situation, because of Ukraine?

Me: Yes.

Steve: Okay, I see. Let me write this all down.

[...]

Me: I just wasn’t sure if I have a right to refuse.

Steve: Yes, you do. This is about your personal beliefs and an employer has to respect that.

[...]

Me: I’ve talked to someone else who said they don’t want to do stuff into Russian either, but can’t do anything about it.

Steve: Yeah, not everyone’s brave enough to actually speak up when something’s wrong instead of just silently doing it anyways - but I’m glad you are. I think you’re doing the right thing and I wish more people were like that.

[...]

Me: And then Ben said “But they’re only selling everyday-products.”

Steve: What the... IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY’RE SELLING!!!!

[...]

Me: I just wasn’t sure what I’m risking if I straight-up refuse.

Steve: Nothing.

Me: What?

Steve: You’re risking nothing. Because if they tried to fire or reprimand you for this, we as the works council would raise hell. After all that talk about how much our company supposedly supports Ukraine, if they tried to punish you for this, that would be absolutely unacceptable.

So yeah, that was an amazing conversation! Steve then wrote to the other members of the works council and we’re still waiting for them to reply, but now I’m really hopeful that they’ll have my back on this and that as long as Russia’s waging war against another country, I won’t have to dirty my fingers with Russian projects again.

I also later talked to Nicole [again: not her real name], who is supposed to take care of this new client with me. (She’d been on holiday, so I couldn’t talk to her sooner.) When I told her everything, she not only agreed with me, but decided that not only does she not want to do it either, she’d go as far as wanting to do nothing for this client at all as long as they’re selling in Russia. She sent a message to her boss saying as much. (Seriously, she’s hardcore - I brought it up and within minutes, she had an even more extreme stance than me! And frankly, I’d love to also say that I won’t to anything at all for companies that sell in Russia - but I doubt going that far would be possible as that is, unfortunately, a lot of companies. If I went that far, I’d have to give up almost all of my current clients and ask my boss to completely redo our team structure - just realistically, I know that won’t be doable. But at the very least, not helping companies sell to Russia is a hard line I don’t want to ever cross again.)

Actually approaching Steve was scary, because I knew the moment I do that, if he backs me up, there’s not turning back on this - not for me. The thought of talking to the rest of the works council (who might be less understanding from what I know of them) is scary, too. If they do back me up, the thought of then breaking the news that “I refuse to do any more projects into Russian” to Ben (and Anna) is scary. The thought of point-blank asking Anna how she stands on the war - and then having to deal with whatever answer she gives me - is scary.

But, well... okay, not to sound super cheesy (it’s literally just true!), but in the end, Ukrainians inspired me with their bravery. If they’re brave enough to fight off an army, to defend their country and their freedom tooth and nail, to stay proud and defiant no matter what that aggressor-shithole country throws at them next, to, as Tvorchi sang at Eurovision, have “hearts of steel”... then really, what’s standing up to my boss and mean colleague in comparison?

Holy shit, this got long. I don’t think anyone’s actually going to read all of this lol.

#personal #worker's rights #Arbeitsrecht #Ukraine #Russia's war on Ukraine #if anyone does end up reading this (unlikely lol) - let me know what you think I should do about that colleague #because I'm at a loss there #ah who am I kidding - nobody comes to tumblr to read an entire novel #mostly wrote this for myself and might delete later #long post #(and then some)

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redheadbigshoes · 2 years

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People always make it seem like attraction to men is this super amazing wonderful experience, that being in a relationship with a man is the ultimate ideal, that a man wanting to be with you is like the highest honor and the greatest thing to ever happen and it just always makes me feel left out as a lesbian. I keep feeling like I’m missing out on something amazing. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me for simply not getting it. And sometimes I think maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I could like men if they did this or if I did that, but it never ends up working. I just don’t like them and I don’t know why. Like, I know it’s because I’m a lesbian, but why do I have to be this way? If I was straight, I wouldn’t have to feel this way, I’d just be oblivious to this sort of thing. I just feel like people put so much love and energy into romanticizing relationships or attraction to men. I even see it happen with gay men couples, and I sometimes feel like sapphic love will always be at the bottom.

I’m sorry for this long depressing rant, I try my best to create a positive relationship with my lesbianism, but some days are harder than others. I struggle with accepting myself and believing that I could actually have a happy fulfilling life without men, unlike other people make it seem. I also end up feeling like a failure for not liking men. I know I’m not the daughter my mother hoped/expected me to be, and I won’t live the life society says is best for me as a woman, and it really gets me down sometimes.

Do you ever feel this way? If so, what helps you better your relationship with your sexuality? Do you believe you can have a happy and fulfilling life as a lesbian? If so, how do you manage to get into that mindset?

Again, really sorry for the super long ask. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but thanks anyway if you’ve read this far.

That’s on society for centering men in our lives. That doesn’t happen as often with men when it comes to women. They’re not pressed to marry a woman the same we are to marry a man and to be in a long-term relationship with one.

I know how hard it can be to accept yourself as a lesbian, especially when you’re around cishet people. But trust me you’re not the only one who feels like that. There’s plenty other lesbians who have similar experiences and thoughts as yours. I also wished I liked men so my life would be easier, I could count on ending up with a man and having a life society considers “normal”. Accepting myself as a lesbian meant accepting I would never be “normal”. But what’s wrong with that, right? Why people make such a big deal of being normal? I feel special. I don’t feel alienated like how I see a lot of women being because of their attraction to men.

And as a lesbian I feel like queer couples and relationships come often with much more love than straight ones. Because in our case we’re 100% with someone we actually like. I cannot count how many straight couples I’ve seen that don’t even look like they love each other, they just tolerate each other. How often I see men talking shit about their girlfriends or wives… That’s not what I want for me.

Yes unfortunately society is misogynistic and they will romanticize and prioritize relationships involving men compared to relationships involving women. Sapphic relationships in our society exist for male pleasure and that’s it.

Being a lesbian is constantly having ups and downs when it comes to our identity. Sometimes we feel the greatest for not liking men, sometimes we feel absolutely shitty for the very same reason. I think there’s probably not a single queer person who doesn’t struggle with similar experiences because unfortunately our society is still very homophobic and transphobic.

Parents shouldn’t create expectations for their kids. And I’m not only talking about their kids’ sexuality, I’m talking about everything. If you think you won’t accept your child not being straight, cis, neurotypical, or anything like that then you shouldn’t have children.

As I’ve said in other posts I do feel this way mostly when I’m around people who’re always talking about men or around my family (especially my dad’s side). I cannot really make people stop talking about what they want to, so what I usually do after being emotionally drained from convos revolved around men is to immerse myself on lesbian content, whether that is rereading my posts, making new ones, interacting with other lesbians, looking for lesbian content online. And when it comes to my family I keep telling myself it’s not my or anyone’s fault I’m a lesbian and that my family members’ being homophobic has nothing to do with me, they shouldn’t care about who someone else is attracted to because that doesn’t affect them at all.

I do think you can be happy and fulfilled as a lesbian, even if that’s harder than not being one. I think the first step is to surround yourself with queer friends, whether that’s online or irl. If you want to and you’re able to, try meeting new people, try dating. I’d really advise to date another lesbian if it’s triggering or harmful to you somehow being around someone who could possibly still talk about men in a sexual/romantic way and not relate to your experiences at all. I’m very lucky that people I usually interact, though they still center men in their lives, they’re not homophobic. So if possible I’d advise distancing yourself from people you don’t trust that could potentially invalidate your identity.

And you’re always welcome to send other asks. I really don’t mind answering them. It makes me feel less alone as a lesbian and I hope it makes other lesbians feel better as well.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post #my experiences

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nullsexducks · 2 years

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Okay so since I’m lazy and don’t feel like typing this all out again to explain it with context, here’s the Reddit convo I interrupted and I’m gonna copy and paste my response here. It’s a really interesting issue to me and I’d like to hear other people’s opinions. (UNLESS your opinion is just always “let people identify however they want all the time and in all contexts, let people live!” I don’t need to hear from you this time. You’re allowed to have that opinion, I just don’t need that added here.)

“Sorry to throw myself into a conversation that doesn’t include me, but I just wanted to add my thoughts here. This is seriously like the one issue I’m unsure about. I’m firm and proud as a truscum, as a BaB (think bi is enough and pan/omni/poly/abro/etc. are biphobic and unnecessary), as an ace/aro exclusionist… but this one stumps me. I do consider myself non-binary. I use only they/them. I’m extremely dysphoric regarding both genders. (I’m also bisexual if that matters at all? idk i love people regardless of gender.) I feel dysphoric when a straight man or a lesbian is attracted to me, as I feel like they see me as a woman. Same thing with the flip side with gay men and straight women. On the other hand, I feel like if a man were to be attracted to me and call themselves bisexual, while also only liking women, I’d be uncomfortable because they’d basically be saying that non-binary is it’s own gender, which has a lot of offensive implications. To me i guess, the second option here feels like the lesser of two evils, but still bad? but also like. that’s an unfounded, subjective, personal opinion, which will vary between enben. At this point, I’ve kind of precariously settled on: 1) I’d better hope I find someone I love that’s bisexual in the way that’s attraction regardless of gender 😂 of course there’s people who are bi and not attracted to non-binary people, and that’s totally fine. 2) the percentage of trans people in the world is super small, and the percentage of actually dysphoric non-binary people is tiny even compared to that, so I’m not sure how much I need to worry about the semantics? It seems to become a much larger issue in cases such as my cishet male friend who is currently dating a ‘genderfluid they/he/she asexual bi’ who is, shocking I know, AFAB and entirely female presenting. This scenario is SIGNIFICANTLY more common than true dysphoric enben dating binary people (like 99.9% of people). I think because of that, the whole issue seems more prevalent than it actually is.”

#lgbt discourse #trans condition not choice #transmed discourse #transmed safe #truscum #transmedicalism #ace exclusionist #battleaxe bi #longsword lesbian #trans exclusionists #transsex not gender #bisexual #bi discourse

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ashtraythief · 18 days

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This is so random, but I’ve always been curious about this. Do you prefer Jensen and Jared to be gay or bi? I’ve noticed most fanfic writers for J-squared (and you in your fics) tend to prefer to make them gay. In Supernatural fics, I think their more often bi? Or at least maybe it’s just the ones I’m reading. Do you have a preference for one over the other and why? I’m bi myself, so I have a preference for bi characters, but there are exceptions. I love Jared in Underneath being gay. The crime world is really homophobic, and him having to navigate that and still command respect and say fuck you to stereotypes is beautiful. Him being gay and unwilling to hide that part of his really adds something nice to his character. So yeah, I was just curious to hear your thoughts!

This is a really interesting question and I had to think about that. I have… several thoughts about it. Because it made me wonder, as someone who considers herself queer (I haven’t found a more specific label yet I like and I’m not sure whether I want one for myself, but I am definitely neither straight nor lesbian, so more closer to bi than anything I think, and yeah, it made me wonder: why do I not write more bi characters?

I think in parts it’s the J2 tradition. You’re right, there are way more fics with the Js being gay than bi. Part of it may be due to biphobia or even just a lack of understanding anything that’s not gay or straight? It is still a thing and it was much more so seventeen to ten years ago, which were the formative years of the J2 fandom. (Never underestimate how much society and the acceptance of the full spectrum of queer people has changed in the last twenty years and just how old the spn fandom is.) In some of the older J2 fics especially where one of them has relationships with women before, the fic then talks about them as gay even though they theoretically still enjoy sex with women and are probably not entirely gay. I wonder how much that relates to biphobia or a general lack of representation of bi men. (In spn canon Dean and Sam have so many canon relationships with women, I think you have to make them bi or pan or Sam-sexual/Dean-sexual or something not straight to make it as close to canon as possible. I certainly write my Sam and Dean as somewhere in the bisexual region or straight with the exception of their brother, but then I don't think I've ever dealt with the specifics of their sexualities in my fics.)

The other thing is more personal for me. As someone who started out thinking she was straight in her teens and then had the whole wait what am I actually thing in her twenties, I think it was just easier to write characters who just know. And obviously I could write bi characters who just know that they’re bi, but I think for me, being bi always seemed much more complicated? Which, apart from my own experience, doesn’t have to be like that at all of course, but again, there is a lack of representation and the bi character rep I’ve experienced is often people struggling with it and figuring it out late. And so I think, for me personally, it just seemed easier. I don’t know, honestly, why I didn’t write the whole wishful thinking bi character who is just bi thing, but maybe that’s due to the whole I don’t want to write about me and my life directly, I want to transform/stay away from my issues as much as possible before I write cathartic fic.

Writing this feels actually really sad because bi rep is so important (see above!). Will this make me write more bi characters in the future? Hopefully. (I’ve dipped my toe into Red, White and Royal Blue and honestly having a character struggle to figure out their bisexuality was really nice—though Alex is really exceptionally obtuse, but then, everybody needs to get there at their own pace.)

Thanks for the question, nonnie. I’d love to hear what other people think about it, but these are my two cents on the matter.

#anon ask #personal shit #kind of anyway #also this came out way more depressing than it felt

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