#and i'm scared i'm going to be getting nightmares again bc i've remembered dreams the past two nights

[jimmycartersufo]

I just need to vent about pain and ocd and being autistic for a min so this may be triggering so I'm putting it behind a read more thing. so Cw for pots, issues with autism like melt downs, chronic pain, long covid, ocd.

yesterday the house behind us their dogs jumped our fence and ran around the whole court and into the next but they chased a poor stray cat up a tree. I don't think the dogs are violent or anything but they're puppies (husky) so they have energy and don't know what to do with it and what to do with cats. Anyway I tried to get the cat out of the tree so I picked up a log not thinking about anything else and I ended up literally covered in ants. like I felt my hand burning like static and looked and I was covered with hundreds of ants. after we returned home I ended up spiraling. I've been having an issue with contamination of food and drinks with bugs after an incident that happened the same day as the super Bowl where John got me a little pie, the ones you get from the gas station for a dollar, and I took a couple bites and noticed ants on my hands and it turns out that ants got to the pie. which makes sense bc it was a pie in a little cardboard box no plastic so if you're an ant you'd suss it out from miles away. Anyway it's been a thing that has stuck by me. it's always been a thing with me being nervous with food staying out, putting hot food in the fridge, etc but this was soo bad and has made me feel awful so basically I started to have a meltdown once everything was settled. I then noticed as I was drinking from my water cup that there was a tiny bit of mildew at the bottom of the cup. this put me over the edge plus I had taken allergy pills for the ant bites because I was very itchy and the itchy and weird stinging pain was irritating me so ofc ofc ofc I had a big meltdown which included me sleeping on the bathroom floor for comfort and for the solid feeling that a hard floor gives you. I woke up multiple times extremely groggy because with long covid/pots from long covid I have a hard time with normal things so I just... wasn't having a good time last night which included me trying to sleep. I had multiple nightmares about zionists and ants. I woke up yelling a couple times, basically having an anxiety attack in my dreams. I slept restlessly, obviously, so I would wake up without a pillow or my neck and head at weird angles. so when I actually woke up today I was in an immense amount of pain and feeling like a husk from the mental bullshit I was going through.

mentally I feel OK today but exhausted. like a deflated balloon. physically better by 6pm as it is now. but I'm having really bad hanger pain today, it's coming to me quicker it feels, or I don't have a grasp on time. or my neck is already hurting so I just feel it quicker. my hips hurt. random stabbing pains everywhere which is my normal ty long covid BUT with the ant situation my brain goes oh that's ants inside of you biting you :))))

I really need to shower. can't remember the day I did shower but I know it wasn't too long ago because I dyed my hair purple again. Thursday night? I've been relying on dry shampoo. I'm scared to shower today because of the tiles. tiles trigger me because of the thought of germs and fungus and mildew and bugs. what's sooo funny is we've been having an issue with a shitty member at work, she's been a problem for AGES and it got worse on Friday when she decided to scold a child and I went to her and said hey, if there's an issue with a visitor, you need to tell us and not talk to a visitor BECAUSE THAT VISITOR WAS A MINOR CHILD A MINOR!!!!! A CHILD!!!!! and she's like you're abusive you have abused me etc etc. one of her things is to give sob stories so Black women in particular will hug her it's a fucking thing her other thing is to tell you the graphic details of her sexual assault and abuse which then she explained to one of the security supervisors the reason why she spoke to a child she didn't know was not because the child being anywhere near her but the child jokingly hit their siblings leg ONCE and she saw it and scolded this child in the middle of our fucking lobby and considering this woman is also notoriously racist in the quirky little liberal way (pretending to be color blind but reading a Black person a poem she wrote pretending to be a slave) she was definitely scolding this child because they weren't white anyway I am very worried she gave graphic details to a fucking ten year old child trying to have fun in the museum. Anyway I bring this up because this woman tries to excuse all of her bad behavior on being a survivor of abuse and being triggered but she literally puts people, a captive audience, in a position where they may be triggered. like literally my first month in the job she gave me a graphic description of her sexual assault. and then whenever she confronted about something she either says you're abusive or she's like oh I never thought about it like that. meanwhile I'm afraid to shower because if I see a bug idk what I will do. like I can't shower because I'm afraid of the FUCKING TILES! it's just wild how white women in particular weaponize victimhood and survival. she uses it to collect Black women, because she hates Black men for the obvious racist reasons, and once those women aren't palatable and safe for her she turns on them. And for white women (I'm not a woman but I doubt she understands the concept of gender) when you no longer accept her ruse of being a sweet little victim who can't do harm because she's a victim then you are an abuser. which is funny because I have GONE OUT OF MY WAY to never speak to her in the three damn years I have worked here because of the first interaction I have had with her. she calls me abusive because I had to raise my voice to be heard in a busy lobby, but she also doesn't know who I am because she tried to introduce herself and ask me my name late last year because she did not recognize me, but then she also tried to harass me about not making eye contact with her and greeting her and when I told her I am autistic and I do not make eye contact she just turned around and walked away but yeah I'm Sooooo abusive. did I mention she wrote a poem pretending to be a slave?

which just reminds me of how stressful work has been. there's been a ton of bullshit. every god damn week there's something. multiple somethings. I'm tired. we went to John's family after work for Easter. no one stayed but his mom. so it was his mom and grandma and the whole time she complained about her sons not speaking to her enough and had the audacity to be like well Rea how would your mom feel like ma'am, I have a good relationship with my mom, perhaps it is time for self reflection but regardless of that I really found myself struggling to stay masked as in have the right face, the right tone, the right amount of eye contact, etc. I instantly felt drained. working at the museum the last three years is what triggered me looking into an autism diagnosis despite me suspecting since 2018 at the very least, having autistic people tell me for years, etc. I am not able to fully perform the whole customer service role like I used to but I wonder if I was actually doing such ever. or did I just not realize. it's been a lot of looking back and analyzing and realizing that oops someone should have noticed but for the reasons we know it never really happened. Anyway it was a specific interaction I had with my now former boss where we had these jazz concerts we did and one was coming up and I said I'd work the like second or third one but I had questions and I was like oh I dint know much about this event what should we expect and she had kinda snapped at me and was like Rea your coworker is working this event not you you don't have to be stressing etc and it was.... weird. she sometimes did that, not often but it was a thing that would happen and I felt like very weird because I thought I was asking so calmly and it was a spark like..... is my perception of my social interactions different than everyone else's????? is it truly that bad? but no, actually it wasn't. but me needing to know what to expect even months in advance was Def a major sign and it was literally me needing an accommodation except asking for something explained isn't accommodation it's like, my fucking job but anyway!!!!!

today is a pain day. that was the point. I'm in pain I feel awful. I had a vertigo spell whole laying down but I need to lay down because the pain. Just got a notification the neck massager I ordered from tik tok shop should finally be here tomorrow. I got it because there's no way it isn't good when they have people moaning and whimpering online and I really need something for my neck stiffness and pain. Anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hoping that soon I will be OK enough to shower. I miss our old shower only because it was big enough where I could shower with John which was really helpful. maybe he can sit there in the bathroom with me?????

I need to stop venting and rambling and go lay down again and drink some water. at least I have a lot of food bc of Easter :) and I can eat ham and Mac and Cheese cold which I prefer because I don't always like. hot food esp if I'm already feeling bad and shitty!!!!! cold Mac and cheese really hits. and my dad made it and he used jumbo noodles which is like not a thing but he wanted to lol and I actually rly like them!

[bird-dreaming]

Dream archived from discord, sent 11/14/2020 12:30 PM

Okay, I still can't get over this dream I had a day ago. So, remember when we were kinda staying up a bit late getting all confused abt what to do with PE and Media Writing and I said I drank some coffee and was getting really fucking drunk on my sleepiness mixing in with caffeine? I ended up passing out at around 12:50 or some shit. Anw, my body felt super tired and nothing was making sense at all anymore and maybe drinking coffee while being physically fatigued wasn't such a good idea.

The part of the dream I remembered vividly started off with me going near our front door. Like most Filipino houses, we had a front porch with chairs and shit that you would call a terrace. Usually it gets super dark outside bc we lived far away from the main road highway so there was no street lights at all. At around 6 or 7, one of us would open lights we installed on the porch and the little walkway outside so at least we could still see if anyone goes nearby or if there's something going on at the front of the house.

I got up from where I was at the time and tried opening the lights bc it was getting real dark outside. I flicked open the switch, and nothing happened. I tried again and again and again. Nothing. Like the lights were broken.

I looked at the screen door and realized that the outside was basically a black void as if it was super duper late already. That's when I started realizing that things didn't made sense since usually the lights would have been opened by twilight. It wasn't fully clicking yet, but I felt something was off.

I suddenly felt a strange and ominous feeling crawl up my body and I felt pain all over. I had a sudden anxiety spike told me that someone was approaching from the dark void outside and was about to murder me.

My brain came to the conclusion that it was none other than Jim Pickens, outside, about to stab me in the guts. This is when it really clicked in my head that nothing made sense.

"Jim Pickens? That's a sim from CallMeKevin's series. He isn't real. Why am I scared? Oh wait. This is a dream fuck." I honestly thought.

I don't like dreams. I don't like dreams at all. I've said multiple times that I hate having dreams where I'm aware of what's happening. This was no exception.

I ran off to my bedroom and laid down in bed to try to go awake, all the while my brain created dark shadows to follow me as I tried to. This is where the most frustrating nightmare started.

I couldn't wake up. I just couldn't stand up. I felt my body tense up so bad that it was painful. I felt a strange shadow near me but things were blurry as I struggled to open my eyes.

I felt a sort of restraint chaining down my entire body as I tried to move my limbs. It felt awful. I couldn't move my ass for shit.

I eventually felt some light coming to my eyes that wasn't a dream but I still couldn't move my limbs that well. I swung around one arm trying to get my sister's attention as I struggled to get any part of my body moving. The whole place was blurry as fuck and I couldn't open my eyes no matter how hard I tried. I screamed, but I couldn't open my mouth. I was trying to scream so hard, but I couldn't and no one could hear me.

I finally saw a blurry shadow approach me that looked familiar. It was my sister. I tried to reach out my hands to get up and to have her help me up, but my body couldn't do it. My sister tried to pull me up but I couldn't.

Then a horrible realization came to me. I wasn't struggling waking up at all. I was still asleep. My sister trying to help me up was a dream. Me struggling to open my eyes was part of the dream.

After this sudden realization, comes part two of sleep paralysis setting in. I finally got to reality, and I still couldn't move my limbs properly. My eyes couldn't open and it was pretty black.

Suddenly, in a shorter time than the nightmarish struggle, my eyes opened awake. I could move my limbs again, but they were painful as fuck as if the shoulder pain I've been experiencing the whole day the day before spread throughout my body. In the most anticlimactic way, I thought, "should I scream now?" And just went with moaning out "eeeeeeeeh" for a while until my sister took off her headphones.

The whole thing was over and was honestly the most frustrating dream I had in a while.

That wasn't long, but God the experience felt like it

#dreams #2020 #11142020 #callmekevin #jim pickens #sleep paralysis #stabbing tw #long post

[shittybabypostsfordays]

i know a lot of it is probably pms hormones being stupid but like... damn bitch, stop crying lol.

#i keep looking at my phone... #and there was some rough stuff at work. nothing in my control #a coworker is going through it rn #and like. me being me bc i cannot immediately fix it that means i'm a bad person who needs to die #and everything feels very heavy and fuzzy #and i'm scared i'm going to be getting nightmares again bc i've remembered dreams the past two nights #and like. so far they're just absurd but like... #and idk if it's bc my schedule was a bit off over the weekend and so i was taking my meds later than normal? #and if all of this is just coming together with it being so dreary outside #and i still can't taste well and i can't smell #and i made garlic bread yesterday and i couldn't smell it and it was awful #and i have a very sweet ask i want to answer but i feel like such shit i'm just like... #i feel like i'll just sound fake excited #but i really..... yeah #ugh and i have therapy tomorrow and i'm just so exhausted

[andie-cake]

Oooo I've got some ideas:

Reverse roles where Paul is the barista and Emmas the CCRP worker and Emma slips him a note asking him out and he gets so flushed up and has a hard time serving her bc he's got a huge crush

Colorado au where the two of them really sit down and appreciate that despite all the shit they went through, they still have each other, so like,,, bittersweet ig

They adopt a cat. Just. That's it. They adopt a cat and I'm somft okay-

Paul has nightmares and Emma comforts him and helps him fall back asleep

Paul and Emma go on that date they were talking about after the helicopter crash

Paulkins proposal

Uhhh ice cream shop date

Beach date

I'm sorry if I've annoyed you I just have a lot of feelings dhdjddjdje

I'm gonna go with the nightmares prompt, bc that's the one my brain latched onto first. Also uh,,, I hope you don't mind that I made it DTfiles related? Consider this a DT Drabble that takes place at some point in between chapters 7 and 9!

"Fucking anti-social shut-in!"

"You selfish, good-for-nothing coward!"

The fight for the Tickle-Me-Wiggly doll raged on, and Paul had no intention of losing it. He needed that doll like he needed air to breathe. Wiggly would bring him happiness. He would bring him love. As long as Paul worshiped his Lord and joined Him in Drowsy Town, Wiggly would show him the light. And the only thing standing in the way of that was Emma, who wanted the doll all to herself.

Paul continued to try and wrestle the Wiggly doll from Emma's iron grip, but she was resilient, pulling and yanking in an attempt to shake off Paul's own grasp. All while they screamed progressively harsher insults at each other. Paul couldn't bring himself to be shaken by any of them. Hurtful words wouldn't matter to him soon, not when he had the essence of Wiggog Y'rath in his hands, and only his hands.

But Paul let his grip loosen too soon, and Emma managed to snatch the doll back from him. Paul watched on in disbelief as Emma cradled the doll in her arms.

"Yes! He's mine!" she exclaimed, her eyes wild and glowing with a pulsing green light. She closed her eyes and pressed her ear to the Wiggly doll's belly- like she was listening for a heartbeat, and began to smooth His ruffled fur down. "He's all mine! I can hear His voice..."

Rage unlike anything Paul had ever known began to course through his veins. No... She couldn't have Him, Wiggly had promised Paul happiness! With an enraged scream, Paul lunged for Emma, grabbing her by the throat and pinning her to the couch. Emma stared on in horror as Paul began to strangle her.

"P-Paul...!" she choked out, struggling beneath him. "Stop...!"

"He's mine, you can't have Him..." Paul hissed, an elated chuckle sneaking into his voice as he watched her squirm. "He's mine, you can't have Him..."

Paul tightened his grip around Emma's throat. Tears began to well up in her wide, panicked eyes. She deserved this... She deserved this for trying to deprive Paul of his master's love... She released her grip on the Wiggly doll, desperately prying at Paul's hands. Paul didn't care that she had let go, he just wanted to see her suffer. It was what his Lord wanted him to do, and he would not disappoint Him. Life began to fade from her eyes.

"Paul... Please..."

~

Emma hadn't been expected to be woken up in the middle of the night by Paul thrashing under the covers in his sleep, muttering nonsense under his breath. She flicked on the light, baffled by what she was seeing. But then she noticed the distress on his face, covered in cold sweat and panting heavily between frantic murmurs. Emma's heart jumped into her throat. He was having a nightmare.

"Paul? Paul!" she exclaimed, trying to jostle Paul awake. "Please wake up, babe..."

With a sharp gasp, Paul's eyes flew open, and he looked around in a panic. It was then Emma realized that it wasn't just sweat pouring down his face, he'd been crying as well. She gently put her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, hey, you're okay..." she softly assured him as he continued to pant and heave. "It was just a nightmare, hun..."

Paul's tearful eyes met hers. "E-Emma...?"

Emma nodded, offering him a warm, reassuring smile to hopefully calm his nerves. But much to her surprise, Paul threw his arms around her, wrapping her in a bear hug as his body began to shake with sobs.

"You're okay!" he exclaimed, his face buried in the crook of her neck. "Oh god, Emma, I'm so sorry!"

"Whoa, whoa, sorry for what!?" Emma sputtered, horribly lost and confused. "Paul, what happened?"

Paul pulled back from the embrace, gently tilting her chin up. For a moment, Emma thought he was moving to kiss her, but she soon felt his lips gently brush her neck.

"There's no bruises..." he sighed, sounding relieved. "You're not hurt..."

Emma forced herself not to giggle or fidget as Paul carefully kissed over her neck, possibly the gentlest he'd ever been. She had to stay on track.

"Paul, are you okay?" she asked, lifting his head back up so he was looking her in the eyes. Emma's heart sunk. He looked so scared. "What were you dreaming about?"

"It was, um..." he began quietly, looking down at his lap. "Our fight over the Wiggly doll..."

Emma's face fell, immediately understanding what he meant. "Oh god, Paul..." she said, pulling him back into their embrace from earlier. "It's okay, that wasn't us, remember? That was all Wiggly's doing."

"I-I know, but..." Paul sniffled, tearing up again. He sounded so broken. "It went further this time. I dreamt that I killed you over it, Emma..."

"Shh, it's okay, Paul..." she gently shushed him, letting him melt into her embrace. "I know you would never hurt me."

Emma let Paul cry on her shoulder, holding him in her arms and pressing the occasional kiss to his temple. Ever since the fiasco with the Wiggly doll, Paul's been subjected to several nightmares over it, some worse than others. They were usually triggered on nights where he'd heard the Tickle-Me-Wiggly jingle playing at the grocery store or something a few hours prior. Emma was determined to not let Paul beat himself up over the things he'd said while under Wiggly's influence, but these nightmares made it a hell of a lot harder.

Emma laid back in bed, gently easing Paul over so that his head was resting on her stomach. He shut his eyes, clinging to her like a baby koala, and Emma couldn't help but smile a bit. Emma hadn't expected Paul to be much of a cuddler when they first started dating, but she was quick to realize that touch was very much a love language for him. He used to be very shy about physical affection- as though he was embarrassed by it, but he soon became adjusted to regularly giving it to and receiving it from her.

"I love you, Paul," Emma told him, running her fingers through his tousled bedhead. "You know that, right?"

"Mhm, I do," Paul muttered in reply, nestling in closer to her. "And I love you too."

"Get some sleep," she said. "And I'll wake you if you start having nightmares again."

"M'kay. I love you."

"You just said that."

"And I mean it every time."

Emma watched as Paul slowly drifted off, his once-panicked breathing becoming steady. She ran her hand through his hair, savoring the fluff of his bedhead. Occasionally she'd let her hand wander a little further down to gently scratch his back, just to hear him chuckle sleepily as her nails grazed his skin. Once Emma was sure that Paul had fallen back asleep- and he confirmed it by softly snoring against her, she reached over to turn the bedroom lights off once more, and let herself drift off.

#dtfiles #dt drabbles #paulkins

[traumatizeddfox]

Borderliner here again! Glad if I could help even a little bit.

DBT was specifically developed for BPD if I remember correctly but I know we used CBT in the clinic too. It's funny bc although the clinic was equally as bad as it was good and it helped me and revealed a lot about me to myself. So although I'm not typical borderline bc I act in instead of out, I know for sure I'm quiet borderline.

Nonetheless every therapist I've went to introductory sessions with since then has immediately said I've been misdiagnosed after like 10 seconds of talking to me 🙃 either that or you just never even get to be added to the wait list bc they don't wanna treat you

But that's why we gotta all support each other!!

Anyway. I decided to go for a therapy trial with a trauma therapist that I was lucky enough to get (after lots of panicking over the multiple phone calls it took, and panic now about rescheduling and shit). So that starts in February. And we're starting out with secondary trauma bc my parents passed down their trauma to be (they're genocide refugees, and I have been back to the country and stayed there a lot in post-war times) and it has in the past caused almost psychotic states. I'm afraid it might trigger even worse panic over my parents bc they already make me feel unsafe (they're a big reason I have been self harming for 15 years now - and when I went to them during a full day break down/panic attack and told them I need help they just stared at me blankly. I could literally only shake and cry and think about how I'm about to kill myself without any control over myself all day and they literally told me "just finish the next 4 weeks of school and then we can all go on vacation" - and in my dreams my parents have tried to feed me to dinosaurs bc that's how it has to be, they've been he reason my cat almost died and got his leg ripped off, they watched my face get eaten alive by giant worms and told me it was my own fault (again all dreams) ). I still live with my parents. I'm still mostly submissive to them and I'm afraid.

But also I cant not do therapy bc I'm so fucking tired. No meds stop my nightmares. I dream of rape, war, violence, killing, running for my life, wounds, break downs, sobbing, my house being broken into, being shot at, fires all around, kids being abused in different ways, like every single night. It's just as torturous as being awake and I'm really trying to not use my secret stash for suicide plans so like I need this therapy

But... I'm so fucking terrified

In the bpd clinic I broke down and almost faint and developed migraines and had half my body go numb and useless - just when I was trying to stay present and acknowledge there was a problem. The therapist there had me bawling my eyes out bc he was like "say something good about yourself" and I legit couldn't. I had daily migraines for months. I actually have a job I like now (still in training tbh but it's with animals so it's really nice) but I'm so afraid I'm about to lose everything. It feels like I could get further if I got back into my bad regulating habits.

I'm trying so hard to do things right. I really am. But my mind and body betray me all the time and I'm so so scared

It's like no matter what I do there's no rest, no help, nothing right and good

I'm so sorry this turned into my whining lmao but uh yeah :(

I recently discovered your blog and I love it. I resonate with the rage and the dog teeth :D wanna get into vent art too eventually. If I can handle the emotion that is lol

i am so sorry to hear this angel 💔 i really hope life turns around for you & i hope the new therapist helps u! it sucks when you don’t feel validated. and tysm! vent art has helped me so much

#anon

[positivepastel]

I had a terrifying nightmare that I was going to die last night & I woke up at 3am so scared from it, and now it's the next day and its almost time I usually go to sleep & I'm getting scared and extremely anxious again bc I'm afraid that I will die... this has happened before but it's been like a long time since I've gotten anxiety like this and I don't know what to do... i'm scared to sleep

Okay so I think the first thing to do is of course try and breathe and relax and remember that you’ve had multiple dreams before and they haven’t came true. Have you ever had the common dream of falling out of the sky? Or maybe flying? Did those come true? No. Find comfort in the fact that by no means is there any correlation between real life and dreams. Dreams do not predict the future but sometimes they can project the things that we are worrying the most about. If you don’t want this to become a recurring dream for you I think it’s most beneficial to try your best not to think about it. If you go to bed afraid thinking, “please don’t let this be a nightmare again,” there’s a high chance this will be your dream because it’s the last thing you were thinking about before bed. 

Tips: 

1. Try to de-stress as best as you can. I find that when I’m stressed I worry and when I worry there’s a higher chance of those troubling thoughts showing up in my head. 

2. Think of a peaceful place. When you’re starting to drift asleep think of a comforting or calming place for you instead of thinking about things you’re worried or stressed about. Your brain will pick up on your mood and if you’re feeling calm chances are you’ll have a nice dream.

3. Listen to music before bed. If you need a little help getting into a calm mood try some acoustic or jazz music! Some people find it a lot easier to fall asleep to calming music and it might make you feel more soothed come bed time. 

4. Take a bath. If you’re the type of person who finds baths relaxing take a nice bath or hot shower before bed. Put on a nice smelling shower gel, use some bubbles, throw a bath bomb in there, whatever you like!

5. Opposite thought. This is a great strategy. Try to think of the opposite of what your nightmare was. Living a long, happy, and healthy life. Whatever it is that is your ideal. 

6. Look up some stress reducers. If you’re feeling stressed try some things to relieve this stress such as exercising, drinking chamomile tea before bed, or meditation.  

7. Relax your body. Try tensing your muscles and then relaxing. Pointing your toes and then flexing them. 

8. Try to distract yourself. You could read before bed. If you find that you’re having trouble sleeping get up and walk around for a bit. Try not to let your bed be associated with negative thoughts.

9. Nightlight. There’s nothing wrong with using a nightlight or keeping your door open. I’ve often turned on a little light when I’ve had a nightmare and it gives me enough comfort to fall back asleep. 

10. Bring a pet in the room. Nothing like a soft animal to relieve stress and make us feel comforted. 

Remember to try and go to bed with a positive mindset. You are safe. Dreams are fiction. Breathe in and out. Look at that! Your lungs are working and your heart is beating. You are perfectly fine. Nightmares are a result of stress and anxiety, do not let them stop you from a good night’s rest. I promise you, I have had tons of nightmares where terrible things happen and they have never come true no matter how vivid and convincing they may seem. Nothing bad is going to happen to you and dreams cannot harm you. I love you cutie and I hope this helps you get some rest. xoxo

Some helpful links I used to answer this question:

1. http://www.wikihow.com/Fall-Asleep-Again-After-a-Nightmare

2. https://askthepsych.com/atp/2007/06/25/nightmares/

#answered #Anonymous #sleep #nightmares #advice