#and idk how to give advice since idk how public school works etc etc

[qqueenofhades]

PERSPECTIVE Q FOR U if you have the time!! Ive always dreamed of going back to school but my performance in undergrad was so unbalanced (straight A's for 3 semesters, then a withdrawal, then more A's then failing then incomplete etc.) And while my professors were incredible (and even asked me to do join a phd in archiving WHICH I SHOULD HAVE DONE!!!!!) and i remember almost everything we read and learned i didnt have a lot of direction and was im afraid a p mediocre student in the end. Since then i've been in government in DC and its been fantastic getting some impactful policy experience and the like but at this point its been almost half a decade out of school and i dont even know how to begin!! The trump "administration" was such a bonkers time to be a civil servant lol but DID help clarify the things i want now and the goals i want to achieve (crazy stuff like "feed hungry ppl," and "don't fuck up the earth too badly") almost definitely mean i have to go back for something. Idk do you have any colleagues/personal experience in making these kinds of academic pivots? I dont have any huge pedigree either im a state school scholarship girlie and the informational interviews ive done with dc area nonprofits and things have left me....less than impressed (lots of ivy leagues, lots of uhh baseline assumptions). Ok sorry this got long and reminiscent of reddit i'd love to hear your thoughts!

As ever, my advice would start with: is it financially feasible, do you know what degree you want (i.e. public policy, politics, economics, global affairs, is it something related to your present work or a total 180) and what school you want to go to, are you in the position to leave your current job, etc.?

Since you've been in the workforce for a while, that's practical experience that would help, and be easy to demonstrate for why you need the degree to enhance your career. If they do have questions about your uneven undergraduate transcript, hopefully you could get in contact with some old professors who could vouch for you and confirm that they invited you to the PhD program. Then again, graduate schools tend to be fairly forgiving as long as you can make a good case for why you want to join their program and adequately explain your previous academic career. I work at a good/highly-ranked private school, and our minimum GPA for admission to a graduate program is only 2.5. So there is probably more leeway than you think, if you're worried about your undergrad grades being an issue, and it's not like you have to be 4.0 in everything. Practical experience and a solid track record in a relevant field will also be helpful in demonstrating that you've done more since that time.

Likewise, and as ever: what is the financial situation? Are you in a position to leave your job, if that was to be necessary, and what kind of financial aid package can they give you? Is it mostly grants or mostly loans? Do you have, say, a partner who can continue to work and support you? Does the graduate program offer tuition support and/or a living stipend? As I've said before, they really should be paying YOU to do an advanced degree, rather than anything out of your own pocket. Is it possible to go half-time or full-time, and do you know how you want to apply it to your career when you're finished? Is there maybe an online program where you could take classes in the evening and/or in between work, or do you want the full campus experience? Do you perhaps just want a professional certificate or other enhancement to your qualifications, without having to spend the time and money on a full graduate degree?

Anyway, I obviously do support you if this is something you decide to pursue, and I think it's plenty doable. You'll have to do some logistics planning on your end and clarify what you want and where you want to go and what they'll give you in terms of money, but it's definitely something that can be achieved!

#anonymous #ask #school stuff

[mademoisellehypergamy]

This may be along letter but I have to share it with you qnd I know that U can help me and you will do ur best 🤍

First thing, Im going and Ive gone through alots of spiritual change, mental and just personality change like alots ... and the thing is now is time for me to let go of things and discover new things, for example fangirl life, twitter idk kpop, those common interests but in the same time idk how or what shall I do, Im here to take some of your advice since u are such an inspiring woman to me.

+ As I grow up, Im the youngest child in family and the only girl, my family, my bros made me like I cant do anything right, My opinions are always wrong and I just cant live on my own, so I end up  being too scared to see new things or take any decision cuz maybe " its wrong " " who said is right " idk is just too unsure and scared that I cant do it, and Im always wrong even in the little things like " i like apple " they made me feel like a fool, childish for liking it ... or even in the small things they alwqys make fun of me smh, and Im very sensitive too. So if u have any advice on how u became the person u are or if u can share with me u know ur tips ur daily life becuz I really want to learn from and U always inspired me.

Also in the feminine side, my mom was never interested in these things cuz she is naturally feminine and pretty ... so if u have any tips share it with me darling 🤍 ( like how to generally take care of my body / washing, vagina / im also so hairy so it makes me feel a bit insecured too )

I hope if u can share with us alots of ur wisdom and thoughts and everything and pls advice me how to grow from this circle and end it to be a powerful women 💖

Note: Im 18 yo

Hi love,

Awww, reading your message reminded me of my younger sister 🥰 I’m sorry it took so long to reply back to your message. I hope this will help you. In the future I will make a more detailed post about hygiene, but this will help you get started.

🌸 Mademoiselle Hypergamy’s Basic Hygiene Tips 🌸

🌸 Shower Daily. You may have to shower more depending on how active you are, the climate you’re in, and how much you sweat.

Your shower routine should include:

- Washing your ENTIRE body. Your feet/in between your toes, behind your ears, your buttocks, everything! - Use soap. Alright, this sounds silly, but when I was in college I had a roommate who never showered with soap. Please use soap. Use it with a loofah/washcloth/silicone bath brush/etc.

🌸Incorporate Dry Brushing. Do this prior to showering on dry skin. This will help prevent cellulite and keep your skin smooth and firm as you age.

🌸Wash Your Vagina. Do not put soap in the vagina! You can use a gentle cleanser/pH balanced feminine wash (I recommend Rael Natural, vH Essentials, Organyc) on the exterior vaginal area. Never use soap inside the vagina, just water! Click here to watch a video to see the actual motions. *The video isn’t graphic, but I wouldn’t recommend watching it in public lol*  

🌸 Remove Body Hair. Shaving is probably the most accessible way to remove body hair at 18. If you are able to, I would recommend waxing or sugaring (especially if you want to remove pubic hair). Eventually, I’d recommend laser hair removal because it REALLY makes a difference! Be consistent about removing underarm hair if you struggle with body odor.

- Use body scrubs prior to shaving to prevent in-grown hairs and “strawberry legs”.  - Always shave with a fresh razor.

🌸Use Rich Creams After Showers/Baths. Always use thick, luxurious creams on your skin to keep it hydrated!

🌸 Wash Your Hair When Needed. Washing your hair every day is not good! Wash it when it’s very oily/dirty. Invest in quality products. Always use conditioner. 

🌸 Deodorant. Use it! There’s a variety on the market to choose from :) 

Some other just general tips I have to take care of your body: - Work out. Even if it’s just walking. Aim to do this 3x a week. - Drink. Water. I can’t stress this enough! - Use sunscreen. Everyday. You’ll thank me later. - Sleep; Unless you are a student studying for an important exam, there is no reason you should be staying up every night.  - Maintain your hands and feet. Make sure your nails are clean. Make sure your skin is hydrated. 

As for your family, it’s important to keep in mind that although they matter, at the end of the day you came into this world alone and you will leave alone. You must be able to rely on yourself, and that begins with trusting yourself. If you continue to let them influence you, you will never be able to achieve your full potential. 

They may have filled you with doubt, but I promise you that trusting yourself is the best decision. Sure, you can listen to their input, but your choices at the end of the day is the most important. Start by making small decisions for yourself (who you’ll hang out with, what hobbies you’ll pursue), and when you see that the decision ended up positive, it’ll be easier to trust yourself.

As for myself, I became the way I am by deciding that I was going to live life on my terms. Just like when someone decides to be a lawyer, they go to college, take the LSAT, then law school. I made that decision, and began to live my life accordingly. ❤️ 

The only thing you must do is decide to be hypergamous, and then make a plan. Level up. Be smart. Be financially and mentally secure. Don’t settle. Only date men who align with your vision. Realize almost everyone around you can help you get from point A to point Z. 

You also never have to give up your interests (like Kpop). If you enjoy it and it doesn’t hurt anyone, keep it. Just add some hobbies/interests :)

Good luck!

[yakocchi]

Becoming a Family With Him, Part 3 // Shuichi, Hikaru, Rhion, Luke, Eisuke

so this came out, as further celebration for the anni. VERY GOOD, much more appreciated than the prior story set lol that one was kind of boring but i get it

they made the kids for all the... kid-less ones, and the eisuke one that used to be VIP-exclusive is now here for everyone to buy (rip those ppl who gacha for it)

my rambling behind the cut (spoilers!!)

shuichi // as ud expect, shuichi has a literal hime ass looking girl (kikyo) for a daughter. she’s only 6, but is pretty calm and ladylike. She even calls her parents with –sama so... ok luckily shuichi does not strip down all the way in the presence of her daughter and only takes off his suit coat. thanks dad

anyway since shuichi has a break coming up, he wants to have a family trip how nice. but then the dang girl wants to go over to see eisuke WHAT when soryu exists and lives a block away? unrelatable, im closing the app anyway eisuke is her first love, which wtf he’s like 20 yrs older than u. even worse, mc says she’s been in love since she was like 3.

shuichi is reconsidering the benefits of democracy in his mind but eventually relents. but then they’re still following the fucc-days rule they set years ago. well, as he says in the story, RULES ARE RULES

blah blah i don’t want to go over everything bc then it’ll be boring reading the story when it comes out in engl right? also im tired bc it’s 1 am and i just want to play toontown in bed but nothing really bad happens. they are a v cute family bc shuichi is a pleasant and mature dad. kikyo and mc even do a little surprise for him at the end and it is very sweet. i feel like out of all the families, this is the most ideal

mad hatter // so they have twin sons named Rui and Kai. Rui is the childlike one that resembles Rhion in personality, Kai is the more mature one that resembles Al. man i forget that boy’s name but u get me i know they only can use stock bgs but it’s killing me that these dang kids get to sleep in what looks like separate king sized beds.

even though rhion is now a father of two, he still acts like... 10. i mean he still horni but it makes me feel weird

later it’s revealed that Ota teaches them both as an art tutor bc they both showed an interest in art. this is cute bc ota is bad with kids in this universe LOL

the ending on this one was weird cuz the kids didn’t show up in the entirety of the last ep bc it was about WORK. so uh... interesting

hikaru // so their son is named akari. haha get it because it means light. like how hikaru also means light. can mc name her kids unrelated to their father or is that against the Geneva convention

this kid actually acts like an actual little boy. like what hikaru would’ve probably turned into if not for the whole sad backstory. the story starts with akari just bringing a dog randomly home one day. he actually saved the dog (it is very cute bc he did not want the dog to cry), and then after a talk they decide to keep the dog as long as akari knows the responsibility of taking care of an animal.

so next day, the bidders come over to their house and everyone’s like woaw a dog. lol they come into their house as guests and eisuke and mamo still demand for beverages, they all suck

akari names the dog... “Light” (Raito) and i want out of this nightmare. Naturally bc Light is an abandoned dog it’s still kind of bad with interacting with things. But then Light suddenly be giving the ( ╹ਊ╹) to soryu bc remember, animals love him. everyone clowns on soryu for being an unintentional dog whisperer and then akari is like “soryu san pls make me ur apprentice” and he gives some advice like approaching it slowly, and talking to it from the front instead of back.

blah blah there’s a situation where Light goes YEET after a Doberman gets all angry and then hides bc then another dog is scaring it. hikaru swoops in to the save the day as the Real Dog Whisperer. ok it’s cute when hikaru actually gets to look cool  for once LOL

luke // luke is cute on the bc “pre-story” scene he’s actually pretty open to the idea of having kids; he actually goes “well imo we should think abt it pretty soon, but i wanted to hear ur opinion on it” but then he gets horni. and then he’s like “our kids are going to have your collarbones. awesomeee im looking forward to that” ....ok

ok cut to the actual story and they’re in Japan. Luke’s kid looks... strange versus the others. why are his eyes so big? omg voltage his eyes arent going to be saucers just cuz he half white also the kid’s name is Yuri (Or Urey). They couldn’t think of any other Brit-styled names? Like Harry? Henry? William? Wilfred? hey stan be my princess btw he’s pretty cute, though he gives serious “timid kid that gets bullied in the children’s movie” vibes. He calls Luke “daddy” and mc “mammy/mommy”.

so luke talks about his relationship w/ soryu and eisuke and then yuri is like “i want friends like that” wow cute but also find less ethically-complicated friends

so luke lets yuri meet a young patient of his (haru) so they can be friends. they get along so it’s good. haru gets in critical condition later so luke zooms outta there to do the operation.

LOL but at the end yuri is like, “i want to make more friends. (...) can i go to the bidder’s room from now on?” this boy works fast

And then he’s like “Eisuke-san... please be my friend.” HIS POWER. even eisuke was like :O so then eisuke orders a whole bunch of food and books up to the penthouse. But then yuri’s like “...i like eisuke’s eyes” and everyone’s like oh man that’s gonna be his fetish

Baba: why have u started to have an interest in eyes Yuri: I read it from one of daddy’s medical books Hikaru: wtf u can read that at 4??? (...) Soryu: wat Yuri: um... i want soryu to be my friend too Yuri: bc soryu’s eyes are also powerfully cool...

eisuke // ok this gets an extended ramble bc the more annoying the story the longer i must complain

so you might be thinking, “oh so this is gonna be a flashback in some in media res styled story with your 2 kids, u know in the style of the others” and well, no you just go straight to white screen into the flashback, back when eito was smaller and thus a little more cute. well it’s not really false advertising bc they did say “reminisce” in the description. but i wanted to see eito be a good big brother for a moment! or... less good? man i wanted to see kaito go waaaah like a baby idk i wanted to see him exist

so back to the story they cut to small eito. even as a smaller punk he does fight with his dad a little, just w/ a more narrow vocabulary to work with. tho at this point he’s still pretty sweet so clearly eisuke clowning him day and night was a negative effect on his development. (doesn’t treat his child like a child) (child grows up to a punk that doesn’t respect him) (surprised pikachu) being the son of a billionaire means that this child has to go study at a very young age and listen to MOZART. no child of eisuke ichinomiya will be listening to degenerate bops like lee taemin’s criminal next day they all go to the very fancy school that eito will be attending. eisuke does a speech, but then eito is all like “why is papa over there all the time” in reference to how all the other parents in attendance are having fun with their children, but eisuke is busy talking to other people for business and connections etc. etc. mc kind of has a hard time trying to explain it to eito bc... it’s honestly poor parenting... eiji shows up after arriving late, and he’s like “gramps is gonna be with ya today! instead of papa” which is cute but then she’s like psst thanks for coming and im like oh... so grandpa just didn’t randomly come to the open house for fun he’s just gonna be surrogate dad while real dad is busy... aw... and then at the end eito’s like FUC THIS KINDERGARTEN. eisuke is like “(smh) don’t yell in public. (despite everything) you are still the eldest son of the Ichinomiya family”

and so afterwards it’s clear that eito does not want anything to do with this school. he just sits in the classroom until mc is there to pick him up instead of playing in the courtyard or w/e, wanting nothing to do with the other kids.

so later there’s a hiking trip for the students and both of their parents, and mc asks eisuke if he’ll be available for it. eisuke is like, “i have a business trip that day, so I’ll have to adjust my schedule” and he’s been very busy in the opening of a new business or w/e. mc tells him to not do so much for something like that and that it’s ok if she goes alone with eito on the trip.

it’s the day of the trip, and mc goes alone with eito. she notes that a lot of dads did indeed come along for the trip. she apologizes to eito and says that she did talk to eisuke about the trip before, but he’s simply busy for this day. and im like... but girl, you were the one who told him not to change his schedule for the trip. yes a trip may seem less important than business ventures, but don’t make it sound like you weren’t the one who stopped him. lol. idk why im pressed abt this single line of dialogue bc later she does realize she fucced up there well eito is just like w/e about it and has pretty much accepted that sort of thing

anyway eito goes missing later and one of the kids said that he told eito that his dad (eisuke) didn’t come bc his dad thinks that his work is more important than his son. so eito got mad and ran off somewhere

and then mc finally gets the lightbulb moment that eito... wants to see his dad!! he ran off to go try to see him somehow??? !! wow so sweet

it’s raining like a mf but then in her search for eito eisuke randomly pops out of nowhere. He’s like “ho i did not remember saying that i wasn’t coming” and she’s like “im sorrryyy” and both me and him are like “just find the dang kid”

ok yea they find eito, he starts being a good student, and u start to see where he starts being antagonistic towards his dad LOL etc. etc. lol this story annoyed me so i don’t feel like doing the rest of the play by play orz

anyway thanks for reading my garbage LOL

#kbtbb #kissed by the baddest bidder #spoilers

[my-autistic-things]

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is it like being tested for autism? Like what happens during testing? My mom and I want to get a diagnosis but I'm super anxious about the process because I don't know anything about it.

Wow this is super old, sorry!!!

Its fairly simple and straightforward. I contacted a psychiatrist asking to get tested, but I believe your PCP or psychologist (therapist) or school, if you're in US public school (then its covered by the DOE actually) can refer you to one as well. I went for a first time meet, we discussed a bit why I thought I had autism and got to know each other (moreso got to know me as a person for background info (what I was doing for school, work, other diagnoses, friends, family, interests, career aspirations) and I got familiar with the psychiatrist and felt she was qualified and would listen to me). Then we scheduled the actual assessment, which was broken up into two days, which I think totals about 6 hours? I also added the IQ part (standard, but could opt to exclude it), but I'm not sure how much time that added since I think its just doing a bit more assessing of my performance? Not bwing trained to be a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist so idk. The actual assessment had a few components, one was a survey type thing I did on her iPad, plus my mom filled out a parent version (it doesn't say "autism test" fyi and it isn't required). There was visuo spatial reasoning, verbal reasoning, memory (working memory and facts), and a definite autism-related test of reading a children's book. It was all pictures, minimal words, and I was to tell the story with as much detail as possible. I was allowed to play with my tangle stim toy, and while I tried to stay on topic she didn't force me to stay entirely focused on the assessment and we also chatted a bit (she had a bunny running around which was fun and joyfully distracting). There was also an interview component (mainly for adults) that asked how I functioned in school, socially, emotionally, observable differences between myself and peers, etc. I was also allowed to email her more details after, especially since my memory isn't too great when talking to people (or in general).

Some general advice for people getting tested:

1. Ask if you can email more details after. Or at least bring notes to the assessment.

2. You can't lie or fake these results. Doing better on some tasks indicates more autism-like functioning, doing worse on others indicates more autism-like functioning, and sometimes the type of answers you give indicates more autism-like functioning. If you have trouble with any part, communicate that! And explain what is difficult! If you guess, say you're guessing.

3. Make sure you do a meet and greet before the assessment to get more info about the person who will be assessing you. For your anxiety-related benefit, to do your personal assessment if they are qualified, make sure they are nice and willing to listen (if they aren't, don't waste your money, drop them and move on), and also they will get to know you more just through chatting/discussing difficulties you face.

If anyone has more specific questions, feel free to DM me! I'm not too familiar with clinical psych or psychiatry, but I have studied a bit of cross-cultural developmental psych and that includes IQ tests and different presentation of symptoms. And ofc if anyone wants to talk autism and about my research oh boy would I be ecstatic lmao.

#autism assessment #autism test #autism testing #actually autistic #im in cognitive psychology btw #my focus is autism and neurodevelopmental differences #also social psych with my first thesis but im much more into cognitive now #i can talk eye gaze cue processing. attentional mechanisms. theory of mind!. and some cultural differences in cognition

[steal-this-album]

all the odd numbers for the ask game!!

1. How old were you when you found out you were autistic?

i was 15 years old, as in this year :'D i am self dx but my counselor is Suspecting Something untreated lol

3. Do you have any comorbidities? Or just autism?

i do!! i have adhd and psychosis (both prof. dx)

5. What do you wish more people knew about autism?

that YES allistics, it DOES suck always being the sexiest and coolest person in the room 😔 /j

7. Do you find it hard to make friends?

most of the time nope! especially with other nd people!! i'm a huge extrovert and i love to drag ppl around if given the right opportunity lol <3 BUT if someone new (usually neurotypicals jdgshsj) gives me a Single Red Flag i will just. instantly lose all interest lmao

9. What was your first special interest?

FUN FACTS!!! <3<3 literally had it ever since i could read lmao

11. If you could give any advice to your younger self, what would it be?

question your gender. then do it again. then question your sexuality. then question your ge- (basically. embrace who you are n what you like!! it's good and natural to have "phases"!!! do whatever makes you happy!!!!)

13. Tell us an autistic person that you really look up to.

uhh um uh *points at my mutual* hi @autistic--cryptid i rly like ur stim blogs and ur super nice <3<3

15. Have you ever received any accommodations for your autism in either school or work?

yep! i haven't had an official job yet, but for school i did have an IEP and then a 504 plan for a few years. recently they discontinued it (and set up a more informal plan) because i've been doing good in schoolwork (mostly /pos). atm it's mostly getting alternatives for public speaking, being able to step out of class if it's overwhelming, extensions on deadlines, etc

17. Do you own any stim toys? Which is your favorite?

yes!! and I LOST MY FAVORITE ONEEE idk where it is :[ i have these (first one is my fav i lost, all the colors shown are the same ones i have)

ID: three fidget toys. They are an orange chain key ring, a yellow fidget cube, and blue and pink liquid motion timer. / End ID

i also have a fidget pen but it broke :[

19. What kinds of things are sensory hell for you?

fabrics are a Big Deal to me :'] i absolutely hate fleece sherpa and faux fur. a lot of blankets are just Bad Feeling to me so i like to use bath towels (which also have to be a certain texture lol). also MY CIELING FAN AAGHH when it's on, the blades get in the way of the light and it makes things flash slightly so i can't look up. idk if that makes sense but yea

21. How open are you usually when it comes to being autistic?

somewhat open ig, esp since i don't have a formal diagnosis. i still talk a lot about my Symptoms lol

23. What's the longest you've ever had a special interest for?

uhhh idk how to tell?? for me it's like i've always had them, i just primarily fixate on different ones at different times. but again i've had fun facts pretty much since i could read lol

25. Do you have shutdowns?

yea, more often than meltdowns

27. Do you have any vocal stims or echolalia?

yes a lot!! i vocal stim a lot more with both noises, phrases, and songs, but my echolalia is mostly of noises or single words ^^

29. Are your friends and/or family accepting of your autism?

they're very accepting of my other neurodivergence + disability stuff, so it won't be a big deal lol

31. Do you have a comfort item? If you feel comfortable with it, then show it to us.

YESS THESE MY BELOVEDS!! the coraline doll was made by someone my mom knew and given to me as a christmas/birthday gift, since coraline is a spin of mine ^^ i've had the dog since i was a baby lol, and it makes a lot of Good Noises like rattling (in the paws) and crinkling (on the ears) :D

ID: two stuffed toys against the lap of OP, who is wearing a blue shirt and yellow pants. The first is a hand-crocheted doll of Coraline (from the movie Coraline). The second is a multicolored dog, which is mostly red, and each of its paws are a different color. The bottoms of its paws are reflective. / End ID

33. Foods you are sensitive to (maybe because of bad texture for instance)?

fatty meats :[ which unfortunately comes up a lot bc i'm mexican lol. also tomatoes 😔

35. Have you ever used a weighted blanket?

i have one!! i don't use it that often because my bed is small and i can't move around a lot on it lol, so it gets a bit frustrating to readjust :P

37. Do you enjoy holidays or are they sensory hell to you?

OK WELL. i love the holidays bc yayy fun giving gifts to friends or whatever but i CANNOT STAND the ""holiday"" themed scents. At All. the thanksgiving/christmas Sugar Cinnamon Roll Gingerbread Party Explosion shit is so fucking overwhelming and I Hate It. and my english teacher puts on a wax burner in her room w that stuff :[

39. What's the most comfortable/sensory friendly outfit you own?

actually the one i have on rn is pretty cool lol. the shirt is a very loose and soft button up, and also yellow sweatpants bc yellow is my favorite color and Sweatpants Are Comfy. also shirts that feel crocheted/knitted are very nice <3

41. If you date people then would you prefer to date other autistic people?

i do prioritize all relationships with neurodivergent people lol, so yeah it would be nice :]

43. If you could have any item related to your special interest what would it be?

uhh UHHH hm. if it counts then i want moshi monsters back 😔😔

45. Favorite autistic celebrity?

i see @jupitrr in posts in the wild so fle is a celebrity in my mind <3

47. Do you happy flap?

yeap!!! with my hands and my wings lmao :D i also do i ton of other happy stims, like snapping my fingers, shaking my fists, jumping, groaning, shaking my arms, clapping, and hitting my head lol

49. What's something you find hard to do because of autism?

EYE CONTACT.... also wording my thoughts + feelings :[ a bunch of other things too but mostly those

ask game link

#apollo ask tag #this was A Lot omg /pos #TYSMMM <3<3 /gen i love ask games n stuff lol #caps #emojis #described #swearing #long post #dolls

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hey! If it’s not too hard, could I get a 🍰 matchup for a haikyuu character?

I’m pretty tall, 6’0, with blonde hair and green eyes and I’m a Pisces! I’d like to consider myself an ambivert since I’m mostly introverted but still have that extravertedness, especially when I’m around my close friends! I’m friendly but pretty shy at first but once you get to know me and I become more comfortable around you, I open up more! I’m also that one friend who everyone goes to for an advice and usually the one to lend an ear to vent, or a shoulder to cry on. Idk if that is helpful, I’ve seen people send it so I might as well include it, but I’m an INFJ!😂 I actually study public health and medical sciences and planning on going to med school in the future. It is probably obv that I like science but I’m also a huge art history (especially renaissance omg), photography and music lover (I play piano and sing haha). I’m also a part of a ballroom dancing team at my uni:). I’m a huge romantic so things like a long walk in nature/evening city, stargazing for hours and listening to music, etc, is something that I adore! And I’m a huge geek about astronomy as well lol. Sorry for such a big post and thank you so much for taking time and working on my match up!❤️😁

🍰 for @barbarachern

Sorry this ones a little short! Hope you still enjoy ❤️

Romantic Matchup

Sugawara Koushi

How yall met

He had met you in an art class!

You guys had been partnered to research art from the renaissance period and recreate a piece from that era

Poor suga thought he was screwed

Now don't get suga wrong

He loved art just as much as anybody else

But the renaissance?

He didn't know anything about the renaissance????

But little did he now that his lovely partner knew enough about it for the both of them

Now you still needed to do a little research on this project

And of course grab some references to draw

So you and suga would meet up at least 2 times a week to work on your project

If suga was being honest he would spend every day working on this project with you

You were just so smart

And funny

And overall just a treat to be around

And he always had a good time when he was around you

It had taken the month that you two had to work on the project for him to fall for you

He told you how he felt after you had turned the project in

And he was pleasantly shocked when you had returned his feelings

What they love about you

He loves how passionate you are

Whether it be about art,your hobbies,your dreams

Suga will never ever get tired of listening to you talk

He sees the passion for these topics in your eyes

And it just makes you all the more beautiful to him

He loves how caring you are

Suga sees how you seem to always be there for your friends

And it makes him want to always be there for you

So he makes sure that you know you can always count on him for ANYTHING

He loves how smart you are

He swears he's never met anyone smarter than you

You take your schoolwork seriously and it shows

He's very very proud of you :))))

Favorite things to do together

Stargazing hands down

He loves just going somewhere quiet with you and just looking at the stars

Sometimes you guys will bring a speaker and listen to music

Sometimes you two will plan a picnic under the stars

It really just depends on your mood

And he loves to listen to you go on and on about the different constellations and about astrology

If suga could control time he would never let the sun come up again

Random Hc

Suga is a ballroom dancing KING

Oh to waltz with him

Suga is also really into astrology

He actually really doesn't mind that you're taller than him

He supports all of your passions and goals in life

Like you wanna go to med school?

Then gosh dammit your going to med school

#1 cheerleader right here

One time you both fell asleep in the middle of a field when you went stargazing

He likes to play the piano with you

Sometimes he’ll play while you sing

Or vice versa

Or you two will just play together

Astrology

Pisces + Gemini

Alright imma be honest

Not the BEST match when it comes to the stars

Gemini and Pisces are squaring signs that often don’t have that much in common.

They are both usually positive enough to have a superficial enjoyable relationship and go well together at large social gatherings. They could both forget to call each other when they agreed to, and they can both change their opinions in two seconds.

As a strongly mental and a strongly emotional sign, their lack of understanding can be hurtful for Pisces and sometimes for both of them.

However, there is a beauty in the creative side of this relationship and if Gemini decides to truly listen to Pisces, they could help them use their talent in a constructive way

If they are to succeed in their persistence to be together, they should work together and socialize a lot.

The most important thing for both of them in this relationship is to reach for their emotional cores and give in to true intimacy, or they will never manage to communicate.

Overall Aesthetic

Art Hoe

Songs-

Chanel (khalid)

Ivy (frank ocean)

Still dont know my name (labrinth)

Bloom later (Jesse)

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fandom #haikyu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu crack #sugawara imagine #suga x y/n #suga x reader #sugawara koushi #sugawara headcanon #sugawara hcs #sugawara x reader #sugawara kōshi

[purplesurveys]

1131

survey by lilprincess

Approx. Time you began this survey: 6:46 on a Wednesday evening.

Describe your mood right now: Erm, a bit exhausted because I just ended a work shift; but content for the same reason. Right now I’m simply looking forward to dinner and crashing on the couch or my bed, wherever I feel like sleeping tonight.

Spell your first name without vowels: Rbn. Let’s just also remove y for this one.

Age you will be on your next birthday: 23.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Do you believe what your horoscope says about your sign? I do not believe in astrology whatsoever.

What state/region do you live in? Somewhere in the Philippines somewhere close to Metro Manila.

Height: Like 5′1″ ish. I had a massive growth spurt in 4th grade that also ended in 4th grade, which will always be a funny story to tell people lmao. I went from being placed at the back of the class line to the front really quickly.

Do you smoke? Super occasionally. My last cigarette was like...all the way back in February last year. It was easier to hide the smell around my family before, but because my parents and siblings have mostly been staying at home in the last year it would be so easy to weed out the smell. I never feel like smoking anyway since I vape, so there’s been no reason to seek it out.

Do you drink? Yeah, sometimes socially and sometimes on my own if I wanna unwind and feel a lil buzz come through.

What's your ethnic background? Southeast Asian, specifically Filipino.

What's your religious background? Technically my ~background~ would be Catholic since I was born and baptized in that faith, but I’ve long let go of this. Excluding one very brief period in high school, religion was something I never held much belief and faith in, even if I've been taken to literally every Sunday mass for the last 23 years and even if I was enrolled in Catholic school from preschool to high school.

What's your natural hair color? Black.

What;s your natural eye color? Dark brown, almost black.

Do you have any bad habits you want to break? I do overtime work a lot but used to seldom file it on our company shift log sheet because I get shy that they must think I’m doing it just to be paid more, lol. I’m starting to file them every time I do OT though because fuck it, pay me.

Name a few of your positive habits. I like that I always find a way to meet deadlines. I like that I’m selfless, even though some would see it as a flaw. I’d rather do too much than say I never did anything at all.

Have you ever lived in a foreign country? No, the most I’ve done was travel to one for a week.

Did you vote in the Nov. 6 2012 presidential election? No because I am not American -___- The last election that took place before I was eligible was in 2010, and had I been able to vote then, I would’ve given mine to Gibo Teodoro, who I believe was the most qualified at the time.

Are you even eligible to vote? Yeah, I’ve been for the last 5 years. I’ve voted twice - once for the presidential elections back in 2016, and the next was for the senatorial elections in 2019.

Are you right handed or left handed? Right-handed.

When you write, is your penmanship usually neat or do you tend to scribble? It starts off neat for the most part, but it gradually gets messy and becomes more like a scribble if we’re talking about writing several essays in one sitting, which was usually the case in my exams in college.

Have you ever experienced an accident? (of any type): Sure, I’ve been in car accidents before. I’ve also been shocked once.

Do you have/want children? They would be nice to have, yeah. 

Are you environmentally conscious? For the most part, yeah. But there are some things that can’t be helped, like me driving. Unless the government does something about the shitty public transport system that we have and have had for decades, I refuse to take it.

What's your favorite mode of transportation? Like I said, my own car. If I’m traveling, by plane.

Do you prefer 80's - 90's music compared to today's music? Eh, not at all. I prefer music produced these days.

Are you more of an introvert (quiet/shy), or extrovert (social butterfly)? I’ve been more of an extrovert in the last few years but I will always be shy at first upon meeting new people, like that will never change. I warm up a lot quickly now, though.

What's your favorite emoticon? :)

Do you miss the good old days of hand-written letters? I caught the super super super last part of this era, so I didn’t even get to experience it. I know snail mail was still kind of a thing when I was a kid, but at the same time that was happening my mom was also already using email to keep in touch with my dad, so.

Nowadays, though, when I do write letters to loved ones, I will still prefer to make handwritten ones, especially for a significant other or best friend. I don’t think I’ve ever sent out a computerized long letter.

Do you enjoy receiving or giving more? Giving, but it’s nice to be treated too sometimes.

Are you good at keeping secrets? Sure.

Do you take or give advice more often? I don’t usually get into situations wherein I’d have to do either, but I think I’ve been asking for advice more, especially over the last few months.

Do you have your driver's license? “I got my driver’s license last week, just like we always talked about...” Haha this question made me sing a bit. Anyway, yeah, I got it shortly after I turned 18 since I needed to quickly learn before college started.

Would you rather be poor & happy or rich but miserable? Rich but miserable. Soz but I’d solve 4854983594857 of my problems if I never had to worry about money.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Never.

Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook? Probably not blocked, but I’ve unfollowed some current Facebook friends and unfriended others entirely.

Do you think recreational marijuana should be nationally legalized? Idk much about the topic since it’s taboo enough where I live, but sure, I guess?I haven’t heard one bad word about the effects of marijuana.

Describe your perfect first date. I’ve never really had a first date, but I imagine an ideal one would be pretty lowkey, just a stroll around a nice city and maybe have fancyish dinner somewhere.

Have you ever been high? Nope.

Have you ever watched a NC-17 rated film? Sure. A good handful of Kubrick films pass for NC-17, right? I’d be surprised if they weren’t, lol. I’ve been scarred by some of them for sure.

If you ever become reincarnated as an animal, what would you want it to be? A dog.

Do you remember where you were/what you were doing on September 11, 2001? No; I was 2 years old. I did ask my parents where they were in those moments, and my mom understandably missed most of it since the entire thing unfolded in the late evening in the Philippines. The only thing she can recall was being insanely worried for my dad, who had just started to work in the US back then.

Do you ever wish you were of a different nationality/religion? Yeah, to a certain extent, just because the political and socioeconomic situation here is very messy and it doesn’t really give us the nicest reputation in front of the world. I’m proud of my Filipino culture and heritage though.

Are you more of a junk food addict or health nut? Health nut is the last thing anyone should be calling me. But I’m not so much a junk food addict either? I do like spoiling myself with food, but I still monitor my intake.

Do you believe Antarctica should be considered the 7th world continent? Isn’t it already though?? We’ve always been taught there were 7 continents and Antarctica is one of them lol.

Describe your own sense of humor in 1 word: Gen-Z, if that counts as one word.

Have you ever quoted the Bible (or any other Holy Book)? If I ever did it was probably meant to be sarcasm.

Have you ever completed a Sudoku puzzle? No. Never figured out how to play it either.

Would you rather be a nuclear physicist or marine biologist? Marine biologist. That’s one step closer to one of my loves, biology. Plus I was never any good with physics, so.

Do you have a deep, dark secret you're hiding from every one? I guess.

Would you rather be able to soar like an eagle or swim like a dolphin? I’d make my childhood self happy and go with flight.

If you wanted to learn a foreign language, what would it be? Korean so I can finally stop reading subs, hahah.

Are you bi-curious? No.

Did you watch the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon more as a kid? The Nickelodeon cartoons were far more interesting to me. I think I only got into Disney when I got a little bit older, once I was able to appreciate the more mature content in shows like The Suite Life, That’s So Raven, etc. But for the most part our TV was always tuned into Nick Jr., Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron and the other Nick shows.

Name 5 films that were made the year you were born: American History X (great watch), The Truman Show, Mulan, La Vita e Bella if I’m not mistaken (one of my faves, no matter how gut-wrenching it is), and Shakespeare in Love.

Did you have a lot of friends in high school? Yes, eventually I did.

Do you rely more on the newspaper, Internet or TV as your news source? Social media these days since I find that online writers are far more discerning in their reporting than TV anchors, who stay neutral at best.

True or false: Bigger is better. Very vaguely put, but not always, I guess.

Do you think religion is the primary cause of war? No? There’ve been plenty other reasons for war.

What's your favorite pizza topping? ...Cheese.

Think of your wardrobe. What color do you wear the most? It’s still black, I think.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? Just once, on a middle school field trip. I’d love to come back, though.

Do you feel like you connect more with animals or other people? I don’t get to be with animals a lot other than my dogs, so I’ll go with people.

Do you feel like sometimes you have to lie in order to protect yourself? Wow so dramatically put haha but yeah, I suppose it does feel that way sometimes.

How often do you exercise? Literally never. I’ve stopped working out this year since I didn’t see the point, and I’ve stopped feeling like I had to ‘get back’ at my ex just by getting a more toned figure. I’m totally at peace with how my body looks, plus I never want to give up on my favorite foods and snacks lol so there’s that.

Can you swear in a different language? Putangina mong bobo kang gago ka. That’s three for ya.

Do you think teachers/doctors deserve to get paid more than pro athletes? Everyone deserves to be paid fairly to the point that no comparison should be necessary, period.

From a scale of 1- 5, you would rate this survey: Erm, a 4.5. I had to delete some questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering or that I found a little meh, but the rest I fairly enjoyed.

Do you think most of these questions were more original or more ordinary? It’s a bit in between.

Approx. time you completed this survey: Hahahahah 10:38 PM. I took a million breaks.

#survey #surveys

[cherryonigiri]

the retrospective: alice’s 1k special || lover masterlist

matchup requests: CLOSED

@tokonami​ asked: HAPPY 1K BABY! MATCHUP TIME! my mbti type is esfp + i’m a proud slytherin! personality in 5 words would def be talkative, sweet, witty, stubborn (maybe impulsive *cries*), and observant? my hobbies are reading, painting, SHOPPING, singing, oversharing on the internet, anything rly... my style is pretty girly? i’m a fashion before comfortable gal. my go-to would be a turtle neck beneath a sweater vest paired w/ a miniskirt and a lil headband! oh my fave drink is thai bubble tea! thank you baby!!!

A/N: Priscilla!! Omg it’s so good to see you in my inbox again 💚OOOOO thai bubble tea! Definitely something I order on occasion when I get boba! Sending you lots of hugs and kisses -alice

Your matchup is: Hinata Shoyo

How you met: you and Hinata get hired by the MSBY Black Jackals around the same time! Since you’re a younger manager you’re responsible for the monster generation players bc you can keep up with their energy better than anyone else on staff. You and Hinata become best friends bc you both get lost in the Black Jackal’s stadium/practice facility far too often during your first months at work.  Not love at first sight but definitely crush at first sight. Hinata loves your sweet and witty personality and finds you really cute. Whenever you pass them water bottles/towels or shout some encouragement he always beams at you. Also is really grateful for all the tips/feedback you give based on your observations during practice. 

Your first date: With a little encouragement (read: peer pressure) from Bokuto and Atsumu + some sage words of advice from Meian he asks you out. Your first date is at a cat cafe! Idk why but I feel like Hinata is secretly a cat whisperer - cats just love him and will run up to him and nuzzle his shins. He knows this really cute/trendy place downtown and invites you to come with. Of course you decide on your go to outfit because it’s comfy and cute, and he gushes over how amazing you look. Takes approximately 1 million photos of you interacting with cats. When the cats don’t want to walk your way he uses that as an excuse + scooches to sit closer to you to convince them to come back.

Your first kiss: The locker room after practice is literally just everyone else teasing Hinata about you bc yes they all ship it you two are their cute little bubbly couple. One day, at the end of practice, Hinata is just lingering around the gym, sneaking glances at you all the time. “Do you need something?” you ask, and he kinda splutters before offering to help you clean up (give him a moment he’s working up his courage). You’re taking down the nets and standing across from each other when suddenly he blurts out “canikissyou?” and then immediately just screws his eyes shut and pecks you on the lips before blushing like crazy and flailing. It takes a second for him to calm down and look at you, but you’re smiling so he thinks that it went okay and kisses you again. 

Anniversary: You know how Hinata has The Toilet Song™? I feel like he’s the kind of person who makes up songs/song lyrics on the go. On the morning of your anniversary he shows up bright and early at your apartment before work to cook you breakfast and you can hear him singing ~eggs, eggs, eggs, for my bae, bae, bae~ as you get ready for the day. Of course the entire team helps with your anniversary - Saku, Bo and Tsumu are extra nice to you + they all coo when Hinata surprises you with homemade bento. Meian is a softie who ends practice early so that the two of you can make it to your dinner at your favorite hole-in-the wall restaurant. The night ends with the two of you falling asleep together in his bed. 

How they propose: Hinata waits a while before proposing - maybe a few years until his career in the v-league is stable! This is another one of those moments where he gets really nervous. I actually think that he would prefer a very intimate proposal rather than a public one! I think he surprises you when you come over to his apartment - he enlists Kenma’s help to edit together a video featuring clips/photos from the past few years together with you. After it’s one playing he’s kneeling on the ground, beaming up at you. 

What your wedding looks like: Big! Wedding! Ceremony! He invites a lot of people - high school friends and teams, entire extended families, his friends from Brazil (Oikawa flies in from Argentina lol) and ofc the black jackals and their own families and the Alders too! Outdoor summer wedding with lots and lots of flowers! And a super fun reception - he goes all out to get a dance floor + free flow bar + lots of catering! Both of you want your guests to have a great time at your wedding. Definitely play the newlywed game (shoe game) and you two bicker a lot over who is the cleanest, best cook etc. 

Newlywed/domestic hc: You two move in together after getting married, and now you two are super cute and cuddling in the morning before heading to work together. Think cooking breakfast in your pajamas, getting ready together in the bathroom. Your favorite part of the day is when you get in the car and blast music on the speakers, and the two of you loudly sing along to whatever comes up on the radio. I think the entire gym just brightens up when the two of you walk in, giggling/joking around while holding hands.

#haikyuu matchups #haikyuu x reader #hinata x reader #hinata shoyo x reader #hinata shouyou x reader #hinata shoyo #hinata shouyou #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu #karasuno #the retrospective #alice's 1k special

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

#brain tag

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙-𝕌𝕡 ♡

Hey there! I was wondering if I could request a matchup from Naruto & attack on titan? sorry in advance if I write a lot, I’m not self centred I promise  ｡◠ ꇴ ◠｡ and thank you so much! 

I’m a straight, Australian/scottish female, with longish brown hair (which is slightly curly) green eyes, freckles, dimples and straight teeth (with the assistance of braces) I’m around 5'2 I think or 158cm to be precise and I guess an average weight but maybe more athletic build.  People squish my cheeks since I guess they are squishy, and they also try hugging me a lot (because they know I hate hugs) I have this scar on my cheek from falling off the couch when I was three, and even though people say they don’t see it, I always do! likes it’s right in my face. I also having annoyingly cubby fingers, which is common in my family, but my hands are kinds small so they look like sausages. 

For my personality, I’m an INFP (Myers Briggs) which honestly explains a lot about me. I hate talking about how I feel with people and tend to just ignore feeling like sadness or anger, but then I love it when people rant to me about their own problems since I like giving advice. So I guess im quite reserved, which I think annoys people who don’t know me to well. For me, being reserved means a lot of awkwardness, and when at school I tend to just stare out the window (if I have no friends in that class) If I am comfortable about someone I love deep conversations. Like, not necessarily about proper issues more about dumb stuff like how we are our soulmate from a past live (idk me and my friend talked about that one for ages) I also have a weird laugh but oh well… 

I’ve always been quite spiritual I guess, and would always see and hear things that my family wouldn’t. I used to be really quite when I was younger, not really because I was that shy or anything but more because I had a very active mind. That got better as I grew older, but im still really into tarot reading and all that squiz! Aries is my zodiac and im very passionate about research and trying to figure out strangers zodiacs.

My hobbies include: field hockey, swimming, reading (ASOIAF over and over) binge watching shows, drawing, collecting stones and making stone pets, sewing and making clothes, stargazing, researching the biology of strange insects, journalling, baking, gardening, going on rides with friends, pretending to have a scottish accent, my dog (called chloe)  and being in my hammock for hours. 

Things I dislike are: sleeping in (im an early bird), when people ask personal questions and I hardly know them, when my friends fight (im usually not apart of that), getting chilblains on my toes, when my neighbours dog won’t stop barking, tarragon (ew!), throne of glass book series (sorry, just can’t, nothing against the author), randomly judgmental people (like if you smile at them and they scoff, arggghh im already socially awkward safe me!) and the character Hannah from dark on Netflix. 

if I could manifest my future (lets not get ahead of ourselves) I would live in a cottage with a brown border collie doggo called cannoli and a grey fluffy cat called Magnus. I would be married with three kids, and I would force them at a young age to pack the dishwasher (oops im lazing) I would have a small art shop nearby which would basically be an art cafe. And I would go on many road trips with my hubby (I hope). 

My friend once told me she thought I was a bitch before we knew each other, so I guess I come off as a bit cold or disinterested at first. I always have a resting bitch face which doesn’t help my case (sorry for swearing, I don’t like it) in reality, I’m pretty sure im kind and also never want to leave anyone out (cause I know how that feels) if you want to be friends, you must be able to put up with my random sprouts of energy and passionate moments. 

So, in conclusion I am scottish, Australian and slightly awkward. Very much into tarot and I dislike judgy people! 

sorry for writing a full on manuscript, I guess I got a bit passionate! thanks so much and hope youse stay safe and healthy.

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Hello @lilacreads~! Of course you can have a match-up~! Thank you for requesting with us~! I hope you enjoy the match-ups I gave you~!

» » Admin Ko

✲꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏✲

Hi okay I just wanna say, based on this alone I want to be your friend, like OHMYGOD, we would bond so MUCH! I hate throne of glass toooo, ughhhhhh, but her other series, a court of thorn and roses is really good, I love it. ANYWAYS, I hope you like this! And thank you for requesting! Also I love astrology and my zodiac is Capricorn looloolol

>Admin 𝕋

✲꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏✲

𝕀 𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙

ᴇʀᴡɪɴ ꜱᴍɪᴛʜ

Alright! Due to your reserved and desire for a more deeper and complex relationship, I’ve decided to pair you with Erwin~! Initially he may not seem like a good match, in terms of prodding and having a knack at wanting to know everything about you then and there, but will acknowledge that it makes you uncomfortable and adjusts so that he isn’t too imposing on you.

He does however, immensely love having deep and thought provoking conversations with you. In a sense it sort of gives him a new perspective of the world we all live in as well as a new mindset when hearing your words. Contrary to what most might think, I feel as though he may argue for his points, but won’t necessarily say someone else’s is wrong. He’s rather tactical and will look at things in a more logistical way, but even he won’t break the line that is demeaning someone else’s opinions. 

He finds your hobbies interesting and unique in terms of athletic things to simple relaxing ones. He does partake in more of the simpler and interesting ones with you! He finds the research of biology of strange insects intriguing. Though not as much as Hange of course– he does get curious at your spiritual side. It’s confusing to him and doesn’t really make much sense, but he respects what you like and on occasion will ask you questions pertaining to the atmosphere or if anything has been odd recently.

In terms of PDA, Erwin isn’t very affectionate. He does however give you much attention behind closed doors with gentle touches, sweet kisses, etc. But when it comes to the public the most he’ll do is hold your hand, or guide you with an arm around your waist / mid back. 

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ℕ𝕒𝕣𝕦𝕥𝕠 𝕌𝕫𝕦𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕚

So, I paired you with someone who is a little bit the opposite of you, because you and Naruto would be able to bond so much based on that. This dimwit would be able to show you how to have fun and being a little less serious! Not that there is anything wrong with that, Naruto would definitely need someone like you to keep him in the right lane!

His energy and your calmess would totally mesh together, because he’ll love when you stargaze with him or when you try to teach him how to make stone pets out of rocks! He will be the best at wanting to nap on a hammock with you and stay in the calm breeze. Like, this boy can totally match your energy if he needs too, but still be this energetic goofball that can get you smiling the widest you have ever smiled!

He knows what it feels like to be left out of stuff, ever since he was young, so he’ll really appreciate the fact that you would be the one to include him in anything from your friend group to your daily escapades. He will literally have his heart thumping so fast because of the little things you will do for him, from telling him about your day to how he is feeling, because he has never really had someone do that for him.

You guys will bicker a lot and it’s mostly about sleeping schedule, it’ll be adorable. Naruto isn’t one for sleeping early, oh no, he likes sleeping in, but he likes sleeping when you are there so he’ll get annoyed when you wake up early and leave him in bed, when all he wants to do is cuddle and sleep with you by his side!!!

He will come to you for his problems so you better listen carefully! Because he’ll trust you enough to have those deep conversations with you! And in terms of touch, well you’ll either have to explicitly deny him or be okay with how touchy feely he could get on a daily basis! But he iwll understand your boundaries when you really talk to him about it!

All in all, I feel like you and Naruto would be good for each other because he is a ray of sunshine that can show you the brightest path in the woods, and love you unconditionally no matter what! And he’ll be willing to work with you and make sure that you guys are happy and healthy!

#match-ups #anime matchup #submission #aot match ups #erwin smith x reader #erwin x reader #erwin smith #naruto #naruto uzumaki #naruto uzumaki x reader #naruto matchup

[canyongmc28]

This is a place for me to come to, to get shit off my mind. Things that have been absorbing in my head. Fantasies, thoughts, things that turn me on. Things that I would NEVER do in the real.

I am married. I have 2 beautiful boys and I love my family very much. Though my wife is NOT very sexually active. She is extremely hot in my book. She isn't sex talkative. She doesn't like bringing it up. Gets uncomfortable at times. And I'm the complete opposite 🤣.

I love talking about sex. Even in the most nastiest of ways... Like kinky, orgasmic, fun, different, etc. Like anal, for instance.

I am pansexual. Meaning I love and respect everyone for whom they desire or call themselves. Race, sex, origin, w.e. I'm not judgemental. She isn't into anal. Like at all.

Now I can eat the booty like groceries 😋. But I can't get my dick up inside of her. But my tongue can go as far as she will let me. Or my fingers (Fingers, only being 1).

I love giving and receiving anal. It feels amazing. But I have never had a real dick inside of me. always wanted to try it. I'm sure it feel way better than a dildo or toy. But, I can never get her to talk about tryin anything new. She's traditional in a way. But she is bi. And always wants to do something with another woman. But as soon as I bring up the topic, it all of a sudden becomes cheating???? Like TF??? How the hell does that make any Sense?

So, ur telling me. That it's ok for u to bring up wanting to try something different with another woman in our relationship. But me as the pan man 😂🤣 I can't. How the fuck????

Explain!

Please lol.

My wife and I were both born on the same month, same day, down to the same year. Even better, I was born 7 hours before she was. That's rare asf. We r both Capricorns. But I don't feel like I'm my sign. I act way differently then my sign. I act more like all of them in a way lol.

Off topic sorry. Already start drink 😅😭🤣🤣🤣🤣 💩🤦🤦🤦🤦

Ik, ik.... What is wrong with me? I'm married to a hot ass woman and she's not even in any kind of way like me lol... But we like and dislike alot of the same things. There r se things that r different from each other. But only very few things.

We r both about to be 29 in 3 months. Crazy how the time flies these days.

Our kids r about to be closer and closer to becoming preteens. So we feel much older then we r lol.

Again, off topic LMFAO 😂.

I'm extremely sexually active 😜. I love sex in all kinds of ways. Just NOT into BDSM, bondage. Or any other weird kinks alot of ppl r into.... I'm different and sensitive. But I claim myself to be a femboi/trap/trans. I have been thinking about goin through transition for a while now. But everytime I want to talk to my wife about it. She isn't ready for me to talk about it. It's not u, it's me. So why r u not ready for me to talk about something???? That make no freaking sense.....

Can anyone help me out here???

What am I doing wrong here? Is there any pointers I can get so that I may change something or the way I'm goin about this....

Now don't get me wrong. My wife and I r very hard workers. She works as an assistant manager at a pretty Kool restaurant. And I work 2 to 3 jobs. I do landscaping, construction, and mechanical work on the side. But between work and everything... There is little time to spend with each other. And it's like bruh.... I just want to spend time with my wife. And the thing so want to go and do, I can't without her. Because I want her to be there with me when I do them. So that she can witness it with me. To have that experience.

I'm a big teddy bear. Not that I'm a big guy lol. I'm not. I'm only 195 lbs. I've lost a shit load of weight in the past 2 years. I used to be 237lbs. So I'm doin good. But I still have that tummy. Which btw I fuckin hate.

I'm struggling here and need someone to talk to that isn't goin to point me in the wrong direction or judge me for me. I'm a really nice guy and it's extremely hard to find ppl like me in this fucked up world we live in. I love helping ppl in any ways that I can.

Alot of ppl judge me because I have no teeth. I have gingivitis. I was born with it. It means (only for those of u outtthere that don't know what it means) my gums and teeth naturally fall out of my mouth and brushing them only makes it worse, mouth wash makes them bleed uncontrollably. I have been to the dentist and they all have told me it's gunna take alot of work and time to fix my teeth and make them look and feel like teeth again. So in other words.... If I don't come up with $125,000 In the next 2 to 3 years. My teeth will remain like this till I die.... Wonderful.

Guys/girls/trans everything.....

😭😭😭😭 I hate not having teeth and as a grown ass man it tears me up about not having teeth. Like the other day I finally got to take my wife out on a date. It's been 3 years since we were even able to do that. I got something I haven't had in a while. It was mostly soft. We were talking and laughing. It's been a while for that too. I love seeing the look on her face when she laughs. It's beautiful.

But I bit down on my food and I felt something snap.

I was instantly like oh no.... What now.... Crossing my fingers I was hoping it was just part of the food. Praying to everything in me that it wasn't my tooth...

I spit all my food out and started to dig through my half chewed up food and feeling around with my tongue in my mouth what tooth it may have been. Then I found it.

I started to tear up and cry a bit. U have no idea how much it hurts to not be able to smile because I have no teeth. Or ur teeth r rotting out. And it makes u look like a crack head. Dude.... I'm a fuckin pothead. I have never in my fuckin life ever done anything but smoke fuckin weed and my teeth look like I'm an overdosing crackhead.

Do uk what that's like???? My wife is the only person I have ever met that doesn't judge me for not having teeth. She just looks at me, rubs my back and says maybe we should go. And being me, I'm like no it's ok. As ppl around me stare like what is wrong with him....

And me bek g the guy I am when I am hurting inside... Look over and go "WHAT??? HAVE U NEVER SEEN A GROWN MAN CRY BEFORE?". And they look away in such disgust.

Dude, this shit sucks.

Of topic in a way.

She is absolutely amazing. Idk what I would do without her. And I'm sorry for those of u out there that recently lost someone like my wife. Only u, understand what it's like to truly love someone as unconditional as I do for my wife.

And I feel u on so many levels.

She is one of a kind. As I am as well.

But, there r some things we still need working on. All relationships r not perfect. And mine is by far from perfect. Is not. And that's ok. I don't want perfect. I want different. But at the same time I want to be heard, just as much as she does.

If anyone has some advice, please feel free to message me.

So just so everyone is aware of my post.

I post things that I fantasize about on a daily. Things that I DO NOT ACT OUT ON. Things that just make me think. I have never done some of the thing I have posted on here. But I would love to try some.

My turn on r (for those of u out there that want to send me anything that I might like):

I love live videos of sex in any way. Real pictures of sex in any way. Anyone who wants to know more send me a message. I will get in depth.

Another thing I have been dying to try is having ppl send me money to send them videos or short clips of me riding my dildo or in my panties.

I do need some new friends who r into some fun stuff. I love public sex. Getting caught is the fun part. Gangbangs r a turn on. Orgies, parties, drugs, alcohol, school porn, I'm not into anything hairy. (No hairy dicks, or pussy pics) I like dog sex. Horse sex. Old and young. Gay. Twink. Shemales. Tranny's. Ladyboy's. Femboys. Traps. Sissies. Transgender. Toys. Dildos. Any positions. Drunk. Stranger. Public stranger. Police. Hospital. Ghetto. Teens. Kids. Underage. Anime. Hentia. Comics. Cosplay. Driving. Hitchhiker. Abduction. Kidnapped. Ransom. Random. Creampied. Cum swapping. Facials. Bukkake. Anal. Blowjob's. Handjobs. I'm not into feet. But, I'll try anything once. Cum covered. Public cum blasting. Fingering. Rimjobs. Ass to mouth. Masturbating. Parents. Cheating. Father daughter. Father son. Mother daughter. Mother son. Family. Incest. Pool. Tied up. Dungeon. Rape. And anything else u might think I like. Some of these I would love to try. Any videos of these help. I'm also a huge fun of black girls and boys. Big dicks. Pyt. Omegle. Vichatter, etc. Homemade. Anything illegal. Send me a message with w.e. u want. Hell. I'll even take links if u have those. Something that isn't going to give me a virus on my phone or computer. And get me any to prison. Last time I did that. I almost went to jail for murder cuz it was a friend of mine and he tried to set me up. I'm not ok with that.

It's hard enough not being able to talk about this shit with anyone. Cuz ur afraid they will think ur a pedo or something.

Fantasy. Those r the ones who need dick the most.

Thank u guys. Love u all. Hope to hear from u soon.

[silenthillmutual]

I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this! 

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing. 

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things. 

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe. 

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc  you feel you could talk to about it? 

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion. 

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long. 

#advice #links #long post #abuse ment #gaslighting #ok to rb #ask to tag #plato posts #[redacted] asks #answers.txt

[flying-elliska]

This is really random and I'm kind of a new follower, but from what I could gather you have such a strong opinion on different topics, which I kind of admire bc I find that so important but can't really apply that to myself oftentimes idk. Is it part of your personality or are you trying to be consciously aware to not just 'consume numbly'? Hope that makes sense. And you're giving such good advice?? But an anon has already stated that correctly. Have a lovely day 🎃✨

hey new follower, welcome to you then, glad to have you around <3 that’s a very beautiful compliment, thank you. idk if you were looking for advice too but here it is because it’s late and i can’t help myself apparently lmao. (with the caveat that I too am a moron frequently like anyone)

...

i am sort of a chronic overthinker, so maybe it’s natural. that said, i used to think i didn’t really have an opinion for a long time. i found it difficult to express myself. and i looked up to people who i thought did it well for guidance. so i feel you 

i went to a school where we prided ourselves on being able to talk convincingly about things we had zero knowledge about so eh (not that this is a good thing lmao) but i grew past that 

i think i realized at some point i just tend to have opinions that are very long winded because i like looking at different sides of an issue. i think part of that is me being a contrary bitch, i don’t like going for the obvious meaning (maybe it’s residual trauma from being raised by someone who had a quasi cult leader type of approach to parenting lol). we are so easily tempted to disappear into the group, or a relationship.  i feel like knowing your own mind, defining your own self image, seeing past the easy judgments and surface meanings, being able to understand reality on your own terms, is one of the deepest, most urgent forms of freedom. also empathy - which does not automatically mean endorsement - and trying to understand things and people from their own logic. 

we tend to assign error or folly or bad intentions very easily. but it’s often because of the limits of our own understanding. and well, i have a weird brain. i grew up feeling like some sort of alien, often misunderstanding people, social habits, my own mind. so constant overanalysis is to me, the survival strategy that came the most naturally. and so as not to let my brain eat itself, i have gotten pretty good at figuring out what’s relevant and what’s nonsense ( i still could get better at it tbh). but part of me is constantly checking myself so i don’t do something terrible or terribly embarassing. wouldn’t wish that on anyone tbh. i am increasingly learning not to oversimplify myself for public consumption. my mindscape is a jungle, so be it. what’s the shape of yours ?

i also grew up in a lot of different social spheres. i met people from all sorts of social backgrounds, from billionaires who owned private beaches and designed jewllery for fun to people living in trailers without electricity or in the street, from prissy heiresses who believed using the wrong fork was a sin to best friends who had to work since middle school to help their parents. from all sorts of creeds, from wayward soldier priests baptising people in streams to new age ‘shamans’ whose houses smelled of pee, from staunch atheists to adorable nuns living in stone villages in the mountains and wild mama bear witches. from all sorts of politics, from faithful anarchists to political exiles fleeing dictatorships to crypto-royalists and decrepit neo-colonialist conservatives. from all sorts of cultures too.  i think that’s the fave part of my childhood. people are just so interesting. but everyone operates within their own specific world, and you can’t judge people from your own perspective. of course there are things that are universally right or wrong but beyond that, you have to get into the world in which they move, understand its rules. see how it intersects with others. a lot of social interactions are role play. once you get that, you get the codes, you can move in any circle. (also : very rich people can be so unbelievably boring. they buy into their own hype so much, like spoiled babies. nothing to be very impressed about.) People wear façades and play different roles to different people; that’s not always a bad thing, after all parents have to be strong for their kids even when they’re scared. But now you’re an adult (or getting there) don’t let yourself be too mystified

 also : power. dynamics of power are everywhere all the time. if you’re not aware of them, that’s a mark of privilege. ( in the end, who profits ? is this building empowerment for people and communities or is it stripping it away ?) but they’re not totally all consuming either. there’s also always agency, and chaos, and possibility. and compassion.

i think it’s important to accept that it’s okay not to have an opinion on everything. and also that it’s always growing, evolving, deepening. it’s possible you taught yourself, out of survival instinct or habit or something else, not to trust your own heart/brain/intuition/experience. I don't think it's anyone's natural state to just consume numbly. i’m sure you can step beyond that, everybody can. also ; learn how to embrace being destabilized. there is always this one moment between knowing something, learning you don’t really, and then getting a deeper perspective, that is scary, but it’s okay. you can come back to your center. like any sort of growth, really engaging with difference implies discomfort ; bear it, it’s worth it. 

 i think any opinion that is too static is likely to turn into bullshit in the long run. like a good wine, it should gain in complexity with age. also : read up on sociology/anthropology if you haven’t already there’s just so much good stuff in there (and a lot of bullshit too lol) about what it means to be human and cultures and how minds work and symbols and etc etc. and find good news sources because it can be very easy to feel disgusted by the world otherwise. and read as much and as diversely as you can

find things to love about thinking ? for me it’s ; i don’t believe in this binary between mind/body, feelings/reason etc, i think it’s bullshit and they all influence each other. and so does our environment. we learned to think by looking at and interacting with nature. some of our neurons are in our stomach. we’re made of star stuff. we grow by engaging with others. and not to sound like a hippie but that shit is breathtaking bro. we encoded the world with stories and symbols and use them to tell ourselves and each other stories and built community and we’re all the time engaged in this web weaving. so i see and i want to see more and more thinking like this organic, tangible process. 

in the end, what is it important for you to have an opinion about ? i think it’s about passion, and love, and justice, and truth. what do you want to be moved by ? what do you want to honor with your possibilities for learning and knowledge ? where you invest your energy and time, you invest your life.when you have something you are passionate about, it will be much easier to express the subtlety and depth of a meaningful opinion about it. and then you can apply that to other areas of your life. 

personally i want to (i have to) live like a diplomat, as a balancing act, with elegance and the ability to make tough decisions with grace, moving between all the layers of life and bearing gifts from one to the next. and i want to be able to move people, and give them the kind of stories and knowledge that are tools for them to heal and be happy and make the world better. 

 i have my work to do, like everyone else, of sorting through my shadows and making the dream stuff intelligible. in the end it’s all about finding an authentic life. your own inner logic. the bonds that nourish it, and what you want to give. 

and i think once you find that is for you, i think finding your voice, an opinion that is truly yours and not copy pasted from some one else, will be much easier to start weaving. but don’t worry ; it happens in small steps. i bet you’re already on your way. 

[trans-advice]

Sorry if this violates and rules or anything, but I really don’t know what to do. My parents won’t let me go on T, and my depression and suicidal thoughts are getting really bad really fast because of it. I don’t have any more ideas on how to convince them, and I’m scared they’ll think I’m lying if I explain what’s happening (my sister thought I came out for attention and my dad thinks I’m faking my ADHD). Any ideas? -🌙

as someone with mental illnesses such as adhd, bipolar disorder etc, in addition to my transgender condition (”not because of it, but in spite of it”) i definitely needed help from my parents & my school. also to be fair, my sister thought that i was faking stuff too. (ugh, i don’t talk to her anymore, but yeah.)

Anywho i suggest 2 things:

look up informed consent hrt clinics (especially sliding-scale ones)

find support groups & support services like at school, doctor’s offices & such, for your adhd & mental illness. (especially get documentation before you’re 18).

look up informed consent hrt clinics (especially sliding-scale ones)

the reason i say look up informed consent clinics is because generally once you reach the age of 18 you can make your own medical decisions including signing off on informed consent to get hormones. granted, that might be a really long ways off & it also unluckily happens to be when your first puberty would be ending. BUT you should look into it, because the point is your parents do not have control over your body forever. it can give you hope. it can give you a sense of if i survive this long i can start to thrive afterwards. 

sliding scales mean they either base the amount they charge you based on income or they have a minimum amount but you can give them more money so they can stay afloat better. this will be important because if you get kicked out for being responsible with your health, then budgeting is super important.

as someone who lives in illinois, the clinics i know of are planned parenthood, howard brown health clinic in the boystown neighborhood of chicago, and chicago women’s health center (cwhc doesn’t have). beware that sometimes they charge separately for the appointment & for the hormones. i know with planned parenthood at least like a year or so ago it was like $250/appointment. 

the good news is that transgender hormones are basically all generics & that’s why clinics we might think are more for afab people are actually very well versed in our hrt needs (as well as both the transgender community & the reproductive health communities both having a shared concern about bodily autonomy). the bad news about the generics is that there’s a lack of research with hrt. 

find support groups & support services like at school, doctor’s offices & such, for your adhd & mental illness. (especially get documentation before you’re 18).

if you attend (public) school (in USA), try to meet up with a social worker or a school nurse to get referals to find like someone who has the power to diagnose you with adhd &or find like general support for like special needs. (adhd can be a learning disability). if there’s a guidance counselor, then perhaps meet up with them to get your foot in the door/referral.

granted, i am personally not familiar with how to do this as the student because i was checked out for special needs when i was like 2. point being, explore these means for social support. also if you have a family doctor talk about the adhd with them & how to get support when your dad is being irresponsible in following up.)

also that website meetup.com might be a good idea as well. there’s also NAMI (national alliance on mental illness) https://www.nami.org/ there’s a program called “the living room” which basically allows you to talk with a volunteer who can help you similar to a social worker does & it’s usually less money than an ER if it’s any money at all.

the reason you need to get documentation before you turn 18 is because some social services require documentation of “disability” or “diagnosis” while you were a minor AKA in USA that’s before the age of 18. (actually, a lot of this advice is USA centric. sorry about that.) there are sometimes other social services that can give help to people who have pertinent records only after the age of 18 years old.

for long term purposes, also try to get any records of like disability, diagnosis, doctor records, school records, individualized education plans, evaluations, etc. try to get either these records or a copy of them & keep them safe. sometimes, it can cost a lot of money (like $50+ per record holder per copy). however, it can be free of cost to get them transferred over to a new doctor etc. just know that are time limits on how long somewhere can keep your records depending on where you live. in illinois it’s 7 years after you last met up with the record holder (whether doctors, schools, banks etc.) however, if you think your household will try to destroy these documents, then you need to look for another place either a friend, or a storage locker or something. granted, this can cost money & such.

personally, i use zipper bags of insulated reusable grocery bags because it basically acts like a box with straps & the insulation liner gives some protection from the elements. however, i do suspect that there are improvements to be made with that situation perhaps wrapping them with plastic bags etc. 

other things to take care of

to use public transit sometimes you need to get a public transportation payment card. sometimes they also use an app. you might need either a debit card or a currency exchange. however public transit varies from region to region.

regarding burner/smartphones, idk honestly, because that requires knowing your budget & such.

https://www.vanillagift.com/ there are also vanilla visas which only allow you to put money on once & there’s a fee. you can also be a minor when you buy these cards. you can then use them to buy anything within USA. however, when you get to your last $2 you can put that onto an amazon.com account to put towards a gift card balance there. the reason why is overall you cannot put money back on the card. therefore it’d actually end up being more liquid to put that last bit of money onto an amazon account since using multiple gift cards to pay is not something enough places are set up to do.

while green dot cards have a ton of fees that i wouldn’t want to use them, they are reloadable debit cards you can get without a bank. https://www.greendot.com/our-products/new-everyday it can then be used to order stuff online or by phone or in person etc. personally, i’d look around at other banks, because fees, but it can be a way to do it maybe more secretly if needed. that way you can use it to like pay for public transit if it requires an app, or pay for products for your transition if you can’t do cash etc. 

here are some hotlines just in case

https://www.translifeline.org/  it is also the only service in the country with a policy against non-consensual active rescue. this is because of the history/commonness of police brutality against transgender people. however, their services have had a lot of controversy about wait times & quality of training.

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ (if you mention suicide they do call emergency services on you because mandated reporting. to be fair, suicide survivors mainly say they did wish they wouldn’t die once they started so it does have the intent of preserving your bodily autonomy in that sense. however, because sometimes it can out you & the hospitals are sometimes unable to understand/handle trans people & the cops often have policies not based in reality AKA are brutal & unaffirming of trans people, mandated informers can be bad.)  therefore do not talk about suicide with them. if anything maybe talk about things that are stressing you out in the short-term. like the people around you are jerks, how to deal with ignorant people, etc. their website is generally awesome too though, so maybe give their site a look at least.

general resources

https://transequality.org/ (this gives information about  anti/discrimination laws, the legal processes of changing your gender marker & name on official documents, etc.)

https://www.lambdalegal.org/issues/transgender-rights

basically if you survive long enough, your luck will change since the world changes (sometimes you have to help out, but other times, work with what you got).

good luck, peace & love,

eve

#cw suicidality problems

[theprodigypenguin]

TCC Headcanons (part two)

More headcanons, this time featuring a bunch of Teddy because I love him so much and he deserves all the attention! Of course there’s mostly Scorbus because I’m a trashbag for them. I’ll probably add on a third part of headcanons soon, because I’m starting to get very attached to the Jeddy ship as well.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Albus isn't remarkably skilled with spells or potions, but he CAN conjure a patronus charm by fifth or sixth year.

It's more powerful than even Harry's.

His patronus takes the shape of a dragon, which embodies his personality (hot blooded, impulsive, bites a lot, but powerful in his own way and deserving of respect, etc), and references his future as a Magizoologist.

Of course he thinks of Scorpius and recalls memories of Scorpius to conjure the charm, and it gets stronger and more powerful as he gets older and gains more memories.

Scorpius' patronus takes the shape of a phoenix, which embodies his loyalty, wisdom, inner strength, and longing to heal people from injuries and curses.

Though aviary creatures are his favorite, Albus refuses to work with Augery's.

He and Scorpius are pretty much the same height, accept maybe a centimeter difference of Albus being taller.

Delphini is an unregistered animagus (she can fly without a broom, she's clearly powerful enough to have perfected the transformation into an animagus, and I'm willing to bet she doesn't need a wand to cast spells either).

Her animagus is an Augery, of course.

Neville is? The best God damn professor? In the fucking school??????

Albus absolutely adores him and just chills in his office sometimes cuz that's his godfather and I'll be DAMNED if they don't have a great relationship you can fight me on that.

Lily is super good at Transfiguration and will 100% eventually work towards becoming a registered animagus.

Both Lysander and Lorcan work with their parents as Magizoologists and editors/photographers for the Quibbler.

They're notable for photographing magical beasts and writing more modern pieces about them.

They've also been known to tag along with Albus on some of his later adventures as a dragon keeper/Magizoologist to document his work.

Teddy Lupin eventually becomes an Auror like his mother.

His specialty is in potion making but he can do just about everything.

He's super involved in the equal rights movement for lycanthrope afflicted wizards and witches.

In honor of his father and what he went through, he works towards making Wolfsbane Potion more affordable for the afflicted.

Teddy himself is an expert at preparing and brewing the advanced potion, and keeps a few bottles on him at all times, just in case.

He keeps his hair wild colors most of the time, because without the camouflage he looks too much like Remus and it makes him incredibly depressed.

Whenever Harry or Andromeda see him as he is, they give weak and broken smiles, ones of pity and longing, and it tears him up inside.

He carries around a silver locket engraved with a wolf on the outside.

Inside is a picture of his parents, and a small music box fit into the other side that plays a lullaby tune his mother used to sing with to get him to sleep.

He swears sometimes he can still hear her, and Remus, singing to him.

His patronus is a wolf.

He's actually pretty protective of Scorpius.

This is likely due to the fact Teddy doesn't have many blood relatives left, and treasures the ones that he does have.

He loves Harry and considers the extended Potter-Weasley-Granger-Etc family to be his, but there's just something to be said about blood.

Plus Scorpius is precious and deserves to be adored and loved and treasured anyway.

He spent a few years (between the ages of twelve and fifteen) simply hating his parents, in complete denial of their deaths and "abandonment", but slowly grows out of it and is very proud of them and their sacrifice.

One of his most prized possessions is the gold medal of the Order of Merlin that Kingsley Shacklebolt awarded Remus after the Battle of Hogwarts, which he keeps close to his bedside and holds when he's feeling particularly lonely or at a loss of what he's doing with his life.

Despite the age difference, James is basically his best friend.

He was one of the first people to hold him when he was born and has adored him ever since.

During his first year at school, James had trouble getting used to things, so Teddy gave him one of his house scarves.

James would wear it and cling to it when he was anxious like he was holding Teddy's hand.

He luckily grew out of his anxiety after a few months, but kept the scarf.

Teddy calls him Jamie most the time, Jim if he wants to make him mad or piss him off, and only calls him James if he's upset/angry and needs to get his attention or wants to scold him.

In TCC when he sees James with pink hair, he changes his hair color to pink to match and make him feel better.

Albus always runs off after one of his unfortunately common arguments with their father, but always goes to the same place to cool down, and James always, always goes after him to talk.

It takes a lot of bad jokes and puns to get Albus to follow him back home, James doesn't quite know how to give him brotherly advice aside from trying to make him laugh, but being there for Albus, always following him when he runs away from home, is enough.

James was generally inconsolable when Albus went missing from the train, because for the first time he didn't know where his brother was and couldn't follow him to bring him back.

Teddy is an expert at wandless magic and silent spells (just like Remus), and can cast some of the most advanced spells and charms, or make some of the most advanced potions, without much difficulty.

I kind of??? See him??? Becoming Minister of Magic after Hermione?????? ((After him I see Scorpius MAYBE becoming Minister, but I haven't decided how I feel about that idea yet)).

Listen to "If You Could See Me Now" by The Script and cry over Teddy never meeting Remus so I'm not the only one suffering plz.

Teddy did not inherit Remus' Lycanthropy, but I headcanon he did inherit something I'm calling a Moon Sickness.

He is not a werewolf, but around every full moon he gets incredibly tired and fatigued, and has terrible nightmares.

Teddy is unexpectedly talented in astronomy, divination, and runes.

As if his father's blood connection to the moon, sky, and stars, gave him the gift of what Trelawney calls "the sight".

He isn't a Seer like she is, but his dreams are too convenient to ignore.

He tells himself dreams are all they are and has only expressed his suspicions about them to James (and maybe to Victoire idk).

Seemingly skilled at everything he attempts, but Teddy has a remarkably difficult time conjuring a patronus the first time.

Every time he tried he would just think of his parents and end up completely unable to make so much as a blue spark.

When he does manage to make a corporeal Patronus for the first time, it takes the form of a wolf, just like his mother and fathers, and he cries.

After the first time, he starts to conjure the wolf just to look at it, and pretends it's the spirit of his parents there to protect him.

Scorpius' boggart is Delphini.

Albus' boggart is Scorpius dead from the killing curse (his boggart is accompanied by the bright green light).

Teddy's boggart is himself, or some form of himself that he's scared of becoming.

As he is the only known child of a werewolf and a human, a hybrid that hasn't existed before, some people have taken a particular interest in Teddy.

Some of Fenrir's supporters from the second war managed to get away from execution and prison and went under ground, but they too have taken an interest in Teddy.

Some people think his blood, his DNA, could hold the secret to a cure for Lycanthropy.

It's a false, pointless belief and hope, not based on fact, entirely impossible, but that doesn't stop the werewolves from looking into it, wanting to experiment just to test their theory.

James' patronus is a dog (I honestly see him tilting towards being similar to Sirius in terms of loyalty rather than being similar to his grandfather idk why).

After the Delphini incident, the ministry kept her existence tightly under wraps to keep the wizarding community from falling into an all out panic.

And to keep Voldermort supporters and dark wizards from gaining confidence against the ministry and the Aurors.

Her arrest was never publicized in the Daily Prophet.

However, this also means the rumor of Scorpius being the Dark Lord's son continued to plague him at school.

Reporters claim a silly "harmless" rumor is less damaging than actually telling people their suspicions are correct and that one of the most dangerous dark wizards of all time had a CHILD.

Draco was furious upon learning the ministry's decision to withhold the truth about her, but Scorpius decided he agreed and claimed it was fine.

That he'd rather suffer through school for a few more years than watch panic ensue because of Delphini.

Because that was exactly what she wanted, and Scorpius would be damned if he allowed her the satisfaction of knowing people feared her.

Because of this, when his boggart changed into her, only Albus (and maybe the teacher), knew who she was.

The class laughed at him because why would his greatest fear be some pretty older woman?

Albus cast the Riddikulus charm before the boggart could finish changing, because he knew what it would be, and didn't want Scorpius to see himself lying dead on the ground.

The teacher scolds him for prematurely casting the spell, but he doesn't care, so long as he doesn't have to do it again.

The professor tries to make him but he refuses, so he’s given detention, but he honestly does not care.

He just doesn’t want to see Scorpius dead, even if it’s just a Boggart. 

He has enough nightmares about losing Scorpius without a Boggart fucking him up.

Albus tops in the relationship.

#scorbus #jeddy #tames #albus severus potter #scorpius hyperion malfoy #james serius potter #or is it sirius man i can't remember #teddy lupin #headcanon #tcc headcanons #scorbus headcanons #boggart #patronus #gaey #the potter triune

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

#purrs #DONT RB #lms if u read please!!! #ALSO!!!! i sound so dumb but i rly hope i didnt offend anyone.... i dont judge anyone but myself for the stuff i do and as for being uncomfy #w sharing my work.... its literally not u its me and my deep dissatisfaction w who i am as a person. and in a perfect world i would b comfy #sharing things abt my life w other ppl but im not and its on me and not bc of anyone else (w the exception of my mom lel) #i guess the aquarius moon rly did jump out 😔 #god i feel so dumb and mean and conceited for posting this but if anyone has suggestions / advice / anything rly i rly appreciate it! #and thank u so much to anyone who took tje time to read this @ all bc like. its a lot i kno im just. a lot