#and idk ive been waiting so long to be a real adult and now that im almost there i feel so unprepared lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elio-monroe · 9 months

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im so incredibly depressed. this post is bad and contains a lot of content warnings that i can't even get myself to type out. i have a hard time seeing any of the stuff ive gone through as real or actually mattering. through most of my life if i tried to use the proper words or phrases i was told i was lying and those things dont count.

so im sorry i cant make content warnings for the read more. just take this as a big general one i guess. im not writing this for an audience im writing this for me.

this is also like a novel. so maybe don't read it because you could be doing anything better with your life. i am not exaggerating. this is so long.

i always feel like a huge bother. like im making peoples lives miserable by being around them if i am not doing everything they want to do. lately i haven't been able to make many decisions by myself, i freeze up and i just cant do it. i have to wait to be told and its frustrating, i hate it. i feel so stupid but i also feel so deeply that anything i think to do will be wrong, that ill be stepping on someone's toes.

i know my friends think i should stop making myself smaller and smaller, they encourage me to take up space. which is nice, i think, but i feel nothing but disgust for everything ive ever chosen to do.

i wish i actually didn't know why im like this. but like... i grew up every summer going to east side michigan, my grandma's house. where my cousins were, my mom's side of the family. my cousin's demanded i spend my time equally amongst them. every night i would swap what house i slept over at, if they got into a fight and didn't want to spend days playing with each other id have to make sure i evenly split my time between them and acted like i was equally on both of their sides.

if they got mad at me, even if one got mad at me, they both would ahhh you know theyd do stuff that wasnt great. a... small and lesser example would be the time they chased me and get me into a corner to terrorize me with a mechanical toy hopper (bugs life). i was very scared of that character when i was young because he was the bad guy and i was like 5 or 6. theyd do a lot of stuff like that, that would elevate as we got older. sometimes even doing more... physical stuff. i tried to tell on them when i was younger, get any adult to help me but none would really believe me. i had a reputation for being a cry baby so to them i was making stuff up. my mom would be too drunk to care at the time (she is better mother now), and my dad wasn't present in my early life (navy).

eventually i stopped being a snitch, it only ever made things worse. i guess that was a good lesson to learn early on... maybe... idk. anyways, anything theyd do to me id just keep it bottled up. i still do. and its extended past my cousins.

in late elementary my friend, who was a few years older then me and in middle school and knew a lot more about sexual education ah, well i dont think she ever meant anything bad by it im still like friends with her though we don't talk really. but i think she is a good person who just, i mean i didn't know what was happening other then being confused because i hadnt had any sexual education.... haha aaah ive just been so stupid and behind my entire life...

when we had sleep overs at her place she would usually have me sleep on a single pillow because i was pretty small when i was younger and she thought it was cute and i wanted to please her so bad. i didnt have a cell phone but she did (these were flip phone times) and she use to take a lot of photos of me... kinda non-consensually, not like sexual ones or anything so i just let it happen because there wasnt any real harm other then my mild discomfort.

eventually she moved away. and then i moved away. we kept in contact though. like i said im still her friend.

middle school was catholic and rough. i was the poorest kid going to a private school. i had hit puberty right before entering 7th grade (my first year of middle school) and my boobs had already grown to be nearly double d. catholic school uniforms are not very friendly to more curvy body types. most of the girls called me fat, i really only had one friend (and one kinda weird stalker-like girl) who had much bigger breasts then me and was a little chubby. i tried my best to not be offended at the fat comments because my friend would get them a lot more and i thought that was fucked up. i never liked when fat people where the punchline to jokes, i didn't know the word fatphobia but i was against all the shit they went through.

anyways i joined the co-ed soccer team and all girl basketball team. i had three years of soccer (on an all girls soccer team, aka real soccer) and i was a fucking killer mid-fielder. my thighs were giant and powerful, i could run for and sprint for hours without slowing down. i was a jock and i didn't even know it. i outclassed pretty much everyone on that team and i was benched pretty often because of this. the coach hated me, like literally told me how i shouldn't be as good at soccer as i am because i was making the boys feel bad. he told me it wasnt my place as a girl to do that. he'd make me run lap after lap after everyone else was allowed to stop i had to keep going.

a bit of a back up here. but i am physically disabled... i don't usually like to say that because its... minor i guess and there are so many people who have it worse. so please don't think ill of me if you are reading this, i know it doesn't count but im just getting it out there i guess. anyways my ankles (and do some extent my wrist as well) are very weak. my ankles actually hurt every single day because i am a very active person and must be on my feet a lot for my job too. but basically my ankles never really fully developed despite how much i worked out as a kid. i droll my ankles probably like 3 times a day when i was younger, im a bit more careful now, only about like once or twice a week and i rebound from it very quickly.

anways after my first year of soccer we had a new coach (this was on the all girls team) bc our first couch had to retire due to... being... not a very great person lets say. the new coach noticed i walked and ran a bit funny and one day asked me if i would allow him or my parents to wrap my ankles in bandages. i agreed and let my dad do it since he was a (navy) doctor. and lo and behold i could play soccer so much better. the pain was pretty much gone and i could fully concentrate on playing the game. and i was so fucking good.

back to middle school (in an entirely different state too) the co-ed soccer coach found out about my bandages, because one of my teammates saw me wrapping them in the bathroom and told him, and he made me stop. i got worse but i still kept trying, i wanted to spite him so bad. i wanted to spite all of them. i especially wanted to spite the girl that disclosed this information.

i hated her so much. she commented on my body so often. she bullied me every single day of middle school (thankfully i only went to middle school for two years). she was fat but called me fat, i never retaliated because it was pretty fucking clear she was insecure. sure the comments hurt because they were mean, but god i much preferred her fat comments to what she would end up sticking with after she saw me naked.

we were both on the soccer team (and basketball team), this was a very small school and i was in the largest class, at 18 people. usually we would have a good amount of time for everyone to change in the bathroom stalls individually, but it was going to rain in the late afternoon and because ppl in ct can't handle the rain like ppl in wa our game had been moved up so we all needed to get changed fast. whatever, i did not care, and i began to take off my uniform. it became very apparent to every girl on that team right then that i was not fat. so much so that bully girl had to give her thoughts on my body which was "wow, deadname! you really aren't fat." she said more but i refuse to quote her directly as it was horribly degrading and very rude to sex workers. but the gist was i had a body type perfect for men. i was 13 and appalled by this comment.

i know that probably seems like a pretty mediocre thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. but at 13 i had some... unfortunate sexual time on the school bus with another kid. over the fact that i couldn't be ace because of.... being a tease i suppose. before 13 my cousins often commented about how id dress like a slut from time to time. and i guess they had a point, i have a pretty more sense of what my body looks like and what it is doing at any moment in time. through out my life and still to this day i accidentally show more "private" areas of skin. my ass is fat and short skirts look better on me then long ones (and i honestly do not care that much if strangers get a glimpse, its not hurting anyone and you can just fucking look away). as a kid i often had plenty of "outfit malfunctions" that'd show off my boobs, they really don't make little girl clothing that fits around double ds. and once again i was small as kid, i could not fit adult shirts or bras or underwear (despite how fat my ass is i still wear teen/little girl underwear if im not wearing boxer breifs bc most woman's underwear will sag on me unless i go to an asian run store. mass produced clothing is fucking awful and a scam).

one time, with my first soccer team, the first coach had invited us all over for a halloween party. my mom didn't allow me to dress goth (she was and might still be scared i'll turn out to be a serial killer) but on halloween she allowed me to wear anything i wanted. and i wanted to be a skull fairy because i liked skulls and i loved being able to wear mostly black whenever i could. the top was strapless, the breast size a good amount too small for my honkers but that didn't stop me. mini skirt and thigh highs. i added a black feather boa because i loved boa's but being surrounded by other children meant i could hardly live my true camp-self day to day, but on halloween i could wear the biggest sparkly black boa i wanted. i also had some cool black fairy wings.

at the party she had us play some games, typical things like dunking for apples (i didn't participate in that one because im very bad at not breathing in water when its on my face), and pin the tail on the donkey, like super regular kid games. but there was one game where we were split into three teams, where one person on the team was tied up and chained to a chair while the other teammates took turns trying to find the right key to release the various padlocks along the captives body out of a large bowl of keys. first team to get their captive free wins. as you might imagine this game went on for a long time because there was a lot of fucking keys and if the key didn't work you had to return it to the bowl bc it might work for the other teams and all the keys looked extremely similar to each other. i was voted to be the captive (i wasn't really liked on my soccer team but i was fairly good at it for my first year and the coach saw promise in me and the team wasn't about friendship, it was about winning (we won 90% of our games that year)), which i was fine with because i didn't like the idea of running back and forth and getting frustrated. and in all honesty i was a little freak and for reasons unknown to me at the time, i really liked the idea of being tied up so i let it happen.

and oh boy how i had greatly misjudged how disliked i was! i was the first of the captives to get tied up, and i honestly don't know if there was a sorta mistake on the amount of supplies that were needed but after me, the two other captives were tied a lot less strictly to their chairs. they only had their wrists, ankles, and waists tied and padlocked to the chair, where as i also had my thighs and chest and tied up (no padlock on those two areas though). it quickly explained to me those were for like setting the scene or something. i accepted it but i was starting to panic a little because my chest was tied pretty tight and if i moved even a little bit my top would start to slip down. i tried to stay as still as possible and not bring any attention to my gradual double nip slip. but ya know, its hard to not wiggle a little when you've got various girls hands brushing against you as they try key after key.

the horror of it really came after one of the other teams won, the other team finishing seconds behind them, and my team had yet to find a single successful key. my boobs were fully out at this point and my skirt had rode up so my kim possible themed underwear was on full display. i was pretty embarrassed about the kim possible thing, and i suppose i was right to because my teammates absolutely thought it was lesbian behavior to have shego's smug face beaming from crotch. and to make everything worse, there was no skeleton key to this game. i was stuck there until the actual fucking keys were found. the teasing was pretty relentless, even after the mom came back into the room to see how things were going she didn't help. i asked her to help, i was on the verge of crying because i was very humiliated and wanted to go home (plus i was battling the very alien feeling of arousal), but she figured it would toughen me up to... sit through everything. eventually i was freed and i cried in the bathroom and asked to have my mom pick me up. she did, she asked me how the party was and i said it was fun but i was tired. (as a side note i'd be totally down to recreate this in a far more consensual way hahaha. being tied up and played with by some actual friends sounds so lovely)

so yeah, the comment about my body being great for men, for sex, was a bit to raw for me. i didn't say anything back though. i didn't know how to respond because all the other girls agreed. i got into the next stall as soon as possible and never changed in front of girls again.

i also never wore that skull fairy custom again unless it was with a long sleeved black turtle neck.

i became so much more conscious to cover my body up. but that never worked. i'd continue to be touched and groped until i eventually chopped those puppies off in my third year of college.

but even throwing my boobs away, even after starting t, cutting my hair short, wearing the most conservative outfits, people still touch me. i've grown fine with being touched by friends, i know they mean no harm. or... i guess i hope they don't mean any harm. i think overall people are good and have good intentions and sometimes just do things on accident and we don't have to over analyze everything.

i dont like strangers touching me. but... i'm very very awful. im no good at anything and i just, i just let it happen. every time. i let it happen. i guess i try to softly push their hands away, but i get so scared if i try any harder things will go worse. i dont speak up or say no. at most i maybe shake my head. god i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid.

but then maybe im not. the overwhelming majority of people i try to tell about these things don't believe me. or don't think its really bad that it happened. when i was in college i tried to use the woman's resource center for... ah well for like rape related stuff. but they told me i wasn't welcomed in the center and that whatever happened to me was not rape and does not warrant support. i know its wrong to use resources and support for something you've never actually for real gone through, but i was... and i guess still am desperate for something. i don't know what that is. i don't know how to define what i've gone through. i just have been told its not rape, its not really sexual assault, and its so minor that i can't even call it sexual harassment. but... i've seen people with similar stories to mine get those resources and be welcomed, embraced.

i hate to say this... but sometimes i wonder if its because i wore a tie and dress pants everywhere in college. i've never dyed my hair, and i don't really... idk i guess i don't look queer enough or feminine enough. maybe i scared people because i looked like the people who did bad things to them. i hadn't started t yet when i was rejected from the center, i hadn't even had my boobs removed. but no matter where i went there was this overall feeling that i was 100% a man and men don't go through those things very often. and it made it worse that i was a trans man, if i talked about those things i was invalidating my own gender and it made others uncomfortable. i had friends that hated to think of me before i was chosenname, that would tell me i was misgendering myself if i talked about specific things i went through. so i stopped.

i understood then that anyone who claimed themselves to be a safe person to talk to about things, to come to when you needed help, where not for me. i did not count.

i didn't mention my time in high school. i had one good year, 9th grade, at a tech school in ct. i moved to mi a year later. but i was loved, i was popular, i was just me. i still cry thinking about how much better my life could have been if i could have stayed at that school and not moved away. yeah i was being used because i was the smartest kid in the school and i was actively improving the test grades so much that i became a literal bargaining chip at a big conference for the district panel on fund allocation amongst the public schools. i was very happy with this by the way, and i had actively and enthusiastically given consent for the board members to use my grades as a means to afford more for the school, we all pretended that i wasn't moving come the next year. a few teachers joked about kidnapping me so i could keep attending the school (another thing i told them to do but this time they didn't :c). anyways, worked out well, the whole school got funded, more kids with higher test scores started attentending after me, and now the schools been completely remolded (it was originally designed as a cold war bunker turned tech school hahaha. we had a boiler room still that would constantly blow up and we'd just get random days off of school. it ruled).

then i moved to mi. everything went downhill. i become the obsession of one kid in my grade who i unfortunately had a locker right next to. again i wore a lot of short skirts, but at this point i was wearing leggings underneath as opposed to thigh highs, and i wore my blouses all the way buttoned up with a scarf acting as a diy tie. it was a killer look, id still wear it. but this guy decided i was his anime waifu. he'd try to get me alone. he'd push me up against walls to tell me how beautiful i am and how he would do anything for me. it was pretty bad because i didn't know how to make boundaries. i was scared of him getting violent with me (though he never showed any tendancies to do so... i was... well we've established im stupid). so for three years id occasionally just have to deal with some guy with a huge asian festish trying desperately to date me. i avoided my locker as much as i could.

then there was the pathetic guy. he was a year ahead of me and not interested in my at first. i was on the quiz bowl team with him and he had a bit of a reputation of going after woman who continually turned him down, and he often tried to go for the more.... aaa mentally ill girlies. he went after my friend who was a senior (also not a girl anymore) and i hated him forever after being told about it. i tried to be rude to him, though i don't know if he ever understood that or maybe i wasn't good at being rude (though i'm pretty damn good at it i think!). but after my friend graduated he suddenly started to push himself on me. at quizbowl matches, id sometimes get a little overwhelmed by all the buzzer sounds so id occasionally sit at the back of the room to get a bit of distance from the noise (which everyone was pretty cool with!), and well he'd follow me right on back. he didn't want me to be lonely he told me. i never felt lonely, but i did begin to worry that maybe i looked lonely or maybe he was lonely. but i also didn't like him, but also i was at a sporting event and he was my teammate so i can't be rude to him. so id let him sit near me. then he'd get nearer and nearer and nearer until he had his arms wrapped around me. he'd whisper in my ear and dig his fingers into my thighs, sometimes he'd pull them apart. but i never tried too hard to stop him. i don't know why.

eventually a girl in his grade and on my team noticed this, and she started sitting by me too. he stopped. i never told her thank you, but i thought it, i tried to convey it with my eyes. she didn't care much for me but she always kept her gaze on me when he was around. sometimes.... i find it hard to believe she was the first person to ever help me out of something like that.

occasionally at school the guy would get me alone and he'd be rather violent. he'd make me feel bad that i never told her to stop staring. didn't i like him? didn't i trust him? he was so alone and i was too and he was just trying to make me feel better. he threatened to sue me when i told his younger brother i didn't much care for his big brother as he pushed himself on my friend years ago. i did laugh in his face because that was such an empty threat, even someone as gullible and stupid as me could put that together.

god id never want to relive middle or high school, or even elementary school... or college... wild because i was really good at school and i've never been good at anything ever again.

now these days... ah my adult years have been a bit better. i get groped a little less now that i don't have boobs. but i don't wear as much conservative clothing as i use to. i've started wearing feminine outfits again, which are nice. i try not to let the... weird things people say to me get me down. i try not to believe i deserve those words.

i tried to get use to taking the bus again. i live an hours walk away from my job but i live on a direct bus line to it. though over a year ago... when i was trying out the buses again by myself a man came up to me. i was sitting down at the bus stop and he stood right in front me of, very close, as close as he could be. he was very clearly homeless and most definitely mentally ill so i didn't want to be mean about personal space right away. so he started talking and i slowly pushed myself to the end of the bench se we had more distance while talking. but that did not work as he just followed. his questions got weirder. he had commented about how he thinks boys look nice in skirts and stockings and my stupid fucking ass was like "oh well thats great! he seems really supportive! i guess i don't have anything to worry about!" then his hands came down on my thighs. i placed my hands on top of his hand gave them a slight push downwards, i was trying to say "please don't" but that wasn't clear enough. he instead started rubbing my legs up and down.

at this point i was like "ah fuck! again! again with something happening at a bus!" but i could not summon up enough of a fight in myself and i just kept answering his questions like a dumbass.

then he asked "where are your parents", that was an odd question. "not here, at home probably." "are you heading to school?" "no... no." i was so lost at this question. it seemed so fucking bizarre to me "what school do you go to? what school around here? where are you going?" "i graduated!" "from where? when?" "grand valley! a few years ago!" then i watched his eyes grow cold. he stopped smiling. and he turned and left me. no further questions. the bus arrived and i got on. i just stared out the window and cried silently as i slowly realized what had just happened. i was suppose to then take the bus back, but i couldn't. i called my boyfriend and cried to him and asked if he could pick me up instead and he did. he promised me he would if i ended up getting to uncomfortable.

i try so hard to get use to the bus. i think public transportation is great. but i keep getting scared. my looks get me in trouble more then they give me any benefit. he isn't the first guy to think im a kid and try stuff with me. even in college well meaning people told me their attraction to me felt incredibly illegal. i still don't really know how to process that. personally i think i'm rather ugly and unapealing. but i've had plenty of people tell me they are attracted to me but feel bad about it. and i don't know what that means.

i know i can't have an onlyfans. no matter how much i prove my age it just gets reported for being csem, same with instagram. i had to stop posting pictures of my fully clothed body on insta because even those were getting reported! i can't show my face for my works socmed bc it'll get taken down. even when there was just the back of my head people thought i was a child (and were freaked out by the content of the reel due to my perceived age).

i feel like im just trapped forever in this weird... bubble. nothing ive been through is considered to be enough. but all of it slows me down. all of it scares me. all of it continues to ruin my life. i get anxious. i get so scared. i have to be told what to do. i need people to not see me as human because when people care about me at a deeper level, when they don't just see me as some fun toy to play with and throw out in a year, i get scared.

god this has gone on for so long. i did not mean it. but i gotta get in the shower. i have to go to work. im scared and anxious and depressed but i gotta go to work. i wish i could just do art. but i've just started self harming again instead. im so stupid. but i guess writing all this out was better then cutting myself.

now if you somehow read through all this. do not call the cops for a wellness check. i will try my hardest to do suicide by cop.

also never call the cops for a wellness check on anyone ever you fucking moron. do you know what they do? do you? do you fucking know? would you believe me if i told you even a single fucking thing they've done to me? or are you just going to ignore that and call because "youre so scared for me" and you think because im white ill be safe. shut up and unfollow me. never talk to me again. block me. you are a fucking idiot and only view the world in black and white. i do not need that in my life. educate yourself on the history of cops and disabled folks, trans folks, and gay men. seriously. fucking go and learn and be a better person.

#this is probably the most information ive shared about myself in regards to these events #they are still very very vague #bc i know none of it matters or counts #doesnt matter how graphic i tell it or what details i include or dont include #none of this will ever mean anything #and thats just life

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videostak · 10 months

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duuude my living situation sucks so much donkey dick it makes me wish i could like cry :’( srlsy just got cussed out by my dad for not doing things that are supposed to be other ppls chores. i wish i could pinpoint the point in my life where my family started seeing me as their personal maid to yell at whenever anythings a mess. i know it started with me doing the dishes (my family and mom specifcally had stated that we would all help with the dishes and then after like a week no one else helped and it all fell on me and since then theyve just stopped doing stuff that they used to help out w/ so now im like doing everything basically or at the leeast the one whos expected to keep things tidy) probably the closest ive ever been to ssaying fuck you to one of my family members let alone a living person at all. tho i thought things would be crazy dire when it reached the point of being chewed out for things that arent even my responsibility but in reality when i felt like saying it i realized like it would have no impact. like my dad said fucking 600 times while chewing me out and i was like didnt kno he reached that point where he just cusses his own family members out right out the gate. it was literally so insane hes insane and just has such a fkd idea of what like dumbass nuclear family bs. every1 else puts up with his shit and just avoids talking to him and i feel like im the only one who actually takes a stand for myself cause idk i feel like i dont have anything to lose. if he kicks me out ill live on the streets die on the streets idc like just so fucked living like this. every1 expects to clean up after them but if they catch me cleaning up after them thhey act like im babying them and not letting them be adults its so fkd like theres truly no way out the only way out is just like thru with blunt force i think. like im so sick of my dad theres so many times id put up with his bs and take his side on things but i rly do not wanna talk or even entertain the idea of talking to him to him. literally anytime any1 talks to him he just turns it into a 30 minute lecture and he acts so childish when things dont go his way. like when i got furniture for my room and he was annoyed cause i didnt ask him for furniture (wtf) and then once when i said i was looking for a round lil table and he takes me to the garage to show me a long rectangle table that doesnt even match the other furniture in my room and when i say its not what i was looking for he goes all silent and just guides me out lol. liek when i was a kid i thought it was so amazing that my mom and dad got married when they were p young (dont remember the ages exactly but im p sure my mom was 19 and my dad was idk how many years older he is but just like a few) but now like i see so clearly how totally much it stunted their growth. they both act like little kids and never listen or behave like adults can never take accountability or give actual apologies like def made me realize u should wait as long as possible to get married. i guess its good they got married or atleast had sex since it means i got to be born (yay) but everything else abt it is a real bad deal. rly dont see myself being able to move out anytime soon but ill honestly just keep at the work and save up money and like some day go back to college and hopefully make connections to finda roommate or smthn.

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adventuresoutsidethegenderbinary · 3 years

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Hallo :) uh, I saw that anon's post about being worried about getting outed and it prompted me to ask you this bc I am in a similar situation

So, I'm still questioning and I have been for about a year (Ive had the thought in my head since like 2018 but I wasn't ready to face the possibility that I could be trans/nonbinary). I've settled on a name that I prefer over my deadname (never really liked it in the first place lol) but I'm still not 100% sure on my identity? Obviously it's normal not to figure everything out that quickly but I'd like to because Im the kind of person who constantly questions myself and it's extremely draining. I'm probably trans, but idk if I'm binary or nonbinary and I'm uncertain what parts of transmasculine medical transition I want to undertake.

This gets to the main point of this ask: I would like to start taking Minoxidil so that I can grow some facial hair and see if I like it. I've seen other ppl use it for facial hair so I know it works. The problem is that I'm a minor and my immediate family (excluding my siblings) are VERY transphobic and homophobic. I can get away with presenting masculinely because they think I'm just a tomboy but I don't know if I could get away with growing facial hair (however small the amount/light it is) and although they are HEAVILY in denial about me or one of my siblings being queer in any way, I don't know if I could get away with that. My first thought is that they'll send me to our GP to see why I'm growing facial hair and I don't know if she's transphobic or not, and although I live in a country with laws against medical discrimination based on gender that means jack shit in practice. I know you'll probably tell me to wait until I am financially independent and live on my own but I'm going fucking insane being stuck inside my own head like this and not being able to test and see what makes me happy. I already have a part-time job and am saving money (although it's not a lot), and I'm a little over a year away from 18.

Thanks for your time if you read this, and if you didn't/don't want to answer that's cool :) Have a good day/night, sorry that this was very long/heavy

Hi friend,

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation - you deserve to have a family that loves and supports you for who you are.

I am going to tell you to wait until you're independent for the sake of your safety and well-being, but I understand how frustrating this is. I'm also around a year away from being able to get out of here and embrace who I really am, and it's really hard. But you know what I remind myself? It used to be 10 years until I got out of here - that felt so long. Then it was 5 - which still felt really long. Now, it's only 1 year, and while I wish I didn't have to wait, when I think of how far I've already come, it seems much more do-able.

Another thing I would recommend is building a support system of friends and trusted adults so you have people to lean on during these challenges. You can also reach out to organizations such as Trans Lifeline or the Trevor Project if you'd like to work with a professional.

You could also try using mascara or other products to make it look like you have facial hair and then washing it off before your family sees. Obviously it's not as good as the real thing, but experimenting with stuff like that helped me to figure stuff out.

Please let me know if there's anything else that I can do for you.

All my love,

River

#asks #answered #tw: transphobia #trans #questioning

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olde-scratch · 3 years

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So I watched LUCIDS 1-4 without any prior knowledge...

and here were my thoughts. I didn’t watch any backstory or anything so enjoy my suffering.

PART 1

“So what happens when the people inside of their dreams go to sleep?” They die

“What happens when we wake up? Do they go on living while we’re not there?” THEY DIE-

“Who are they anyway?” they’re faces that our brain catalogs and stores for later use, although it’s also arguable that every time we dream we go to an alternate reality and inhabit the body of another version of ourselves. Now, were you in a car accident and trapped underwater or-

Are they twins?

(Me tuning out to do something)

“-the squirrel in spongebob was your soulmate, making you a Sandy simp-”

Me, snapping back to the video: hold up-

[missed the part about the worksheet, realized it when i rewatched 10 mins later to make this post]

yall speakin gibberish idk what youre saying-

“I’m gonna go to bed.” bro it literally looks like morning-

“You should get some sleep you look terrible.” i get six hours of sleep a night minimum and i look worse than him shut up bro-

“jump into someone else’s dream” ah i know this con-

why they all got the same face-

haha funni meme

“--an interruptiion can create feedback and tear them apart.” Death. I long for thee.

Is that Karl Jacob’s jacket?

“a second grader” makes me think this is a different school system. [i was wrong? i think?]

“[get him to] eat your apple”

[in the dream sequence] weird dream, but ive had weirder. now, Why Pamper’s-

why does he suddenly have a knife-

“You put a filter on the Dreamscape feed?”

“Technically, you are seven years old.”

???????????

the second hand embarrassment is UGGGHHH

[reading the description] you mean like the guy who was knocked out for 2 minutes on a football field and woke to find he’d dreamt 17 years of his life? oh this shall be Fun

PART 2

[I check the description] “jasper cult” what the fu-

how many camp camp references can i make during this

Is the apple a reference to religion or does the creator just really ilke apples?

“meal.”

“meal?”

meal????

Wait why couldn’t that guy eat the apple? If he wanted it in the fruit bowl, wouldn’t there be a chance of the guy eating it anyways?? Why can’t the guy who brought the apple eat it?

well he’s Dead

[debating if I should read the backstory}

n a h h h h h -

Was he gonna feed the dead guy the apple or something? Why is he upset about the apple in this scene???

oooo the grownups are fightinnnngggg

Is he an antagonist?

HE WROTE A BOOK???

oh now i want food

ESTABLISH JUSTICE ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“I watched all those aforementioned shows” what shows did i miss something what-

man why you gotta hate on her jane austen fanfic let her live bro

string theory! i can get behind that! sorta-

o no he found the memes-

BOY GOT KNOCKED OUT-

kim there’s people that are dying-

is SHE an antagonist?

quinn? calling himself jasper? u sure hes not just nonbinary? is this just a metaphor for transphobic parenting?

“He died... but somewhere, he grew up.” So is your plan to take a Quinn from a different universe and make him your own, thereby robbing another version of yourself from happiness? When does this ever go well?

Yknow most people, when they lose a kid,,,, kinda,,,,,,, dont go on a ceaseless quest to find another version of their kid that grew up without knowing that another version of his mother was invading other peoples’ dreams to find and kidnap him,,,,,,,, like aint u got a therapist-

“Once you get past the point of not knowing what’s real anymore, you realize it doesn’t matter.” Well, I Got Called Out-

PART 3

“you’re real, oliver.”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

“you’ve been infected by the anti-love parasite of Mandadon” the amatonormativity is strong

so anyways ive been infected since birth hbu-

“James Jasperson, creator of Japple” did you mean to Fancy Well-Educated Man in a Black Turtleneck? cause the only FWEMBT i allow near me is prof. hidgens

“are you winning?” says the capitalist

why did you rewind to see his face?? you have the same face????? is this just bc the creator doesnt like working with other people cause in that case same but???????

“it’s a bad idea. i’m not gonna do it.” we’ve all been there. and we’ve all done it.

looks like me trying to study. (i say, a person who has studied a total of five minutes throughout their entire life.)

your “Spartan trial” looks like a bunch of guys standing on a hill pretending to be something they’re not. Let The Man Bring His Snacks.

eat the apple.

is this your first existential crisis or something what a loser lets all point and laugh

“One of you should be spared, the other shall’nt.” did you mean shant or was that a choice-

yall gonna get called out for talking shut UP

“sorry if this is too personal, btw. are you okay?”

me, confused and half understanding what’s going on and also needing to sleep cause its almost one in the morning but wanting to finish what i can find of lucids which i only starting watching cause i saw an animatic of ranboo and dream w audio from it: i don’t know anymore

“i just want my life back... i was gonna get married-” AREN’T YOU LIKE SEVEN-

ay man if this is a sacrificial cult yall gotta get daniel-

UPDATE: I H A V E N O T F O U N D I T -

“oliver”

I F O U N D I T -

WHICH ONE IS QUINN?? WHO’S JASPER???? WHICH ONE IS BENJAMIN???? I THOUGH BENJAMIN WAS SEVEN BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED WHAT-

oliver. eat the apple.

“Can you still have memories even when you’re dreaming?” One time I woke up to my alarm and fell back asleep and in my dream I remembered that I had class in a few minutes and my dream self woke my real self up so fast I thought I was gonna get whiplash. Anyways, I was late to class bc of my computer but that doesn’t matter.

NOPE I FOUND IT. HERE’S THE AUDIO. THE ANIMATIC ONE. FINALLY.

im thinking car crash. but also maybe murder. but also maybe both? is it raining or was he drowning? is he in a coma? hmmmmmm?

wait olivers the one with the apple does that mean he’s the one dreaming? is the ending gonna be him and jasper (quinn? idk) fighting against ben and mrs hills about jasper eating the apple to save oliver from the dream? hmmmmmmmmmm-

waitwaitwait i thought oliver was 7 how is benjamin 7 years younger than him if they look the same age what what what explain america explain what you mean arkansaw-

are the cuts on his nose plot-relevant or

“What if you hadn’t been driving?” So I was right about the car accident but Mrs. Hills still said he was seven so did i mishear her say that BENJAMIN was seven? but even then oliver would be 14 and that would still be illegal-

“How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re a pretty bad therapist.”

mood

“--it makes it all bearable to have power over the stories we write in our heads” that’s why i write fanfiction

HE’S GOT THE NOTEBOOK HE’S GONNA WRITE SOMETHING ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US

WHAT YOU MEAN AN EXPERIMENT THAT’S HIS NAME-

[upon reading the description] so i was right.

wait was that supposed to be the twist in part 2 about the apple in his pocket is that what the existential crisis was about i thought it was because he was introduced to the multiple worlds theory-

PART 4

wait wasnt the other one january 2018 why we going back to 2017-

appol

“--the future and the past all already exist” mhm yep figured this out long ago

there was simultaneously a point in time in which i hadn’t known about this, had been looking it up, had been watching it, and had been writing an ending to this post, and had been posting it the next morning before class. that time is both now and not now. Welcome To The Multiverse Theory or whatever its called-

“--my favorite scene of the movie is waking up next to you.” Mine is eating fast food as I listen to AJJ and play Minecraft. We are not the same.

Now I’m hungry but it’s 1 in the morning and i already put my retainer in god fu-

[reading description] what do you mean previously??? she did that in the first episode????????

[still on description] WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL QUINN BITE THE APPLE AND GO TO BENJAMINS REALITY ISNT THIS OLIVERS REALITY AND HE HAS TO GET BEN TO BITE THE APPLE WHY IS APPLE CAPITALIZED IS THIS THE DOING OF THE FWEMBT

i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have wa-

[description] oh ive been spelling quinn right the whole time nice

i hope she rejects you /j

WAIT BENJAMIN WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE

ISNT HE IN SECOND GRADE-

HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED ARE THERE TWO BENJAMINS THAT WE’RE FOCUSING ON-

bro get out of the road ull get hit

how do you knOW WHICH ONE IS QUINN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON-

wait

hills wants ben to feed quinn the apple bc in his mind, that will give hills and quinn a happy ending and she doesnt want ben to see the apple bc thats gonna mean ben will know that his reality isnt reality at all. so then oliver has to,,,, not let anyone eat his apple? he just has to wake up?

IS HILLS THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL ORRRRR

wait but if ben sees the apple wont he realize that his reality is wrong and his reality will change, making it so that hills doesnt get her son? or is there some time-based rule that says they’re only transported to the reality that the person believes at that moment? or is this another stab at the multiverse thing where an infinite amount of hills gets their happy endings while an infinite amount of hills doesnt and etc etc?

i should have watched the ba-

oooo dramatique

they’re in a time loop?

nope thats a new powerpoint

wait so theyre,,,, no-

wait-

nvm-

IS THE BEN WE KNOW AN ADULT GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE OR NOT-

“they were actually pretty nice” didnt they throw someone off a cliff-

oh so it got confusing THEN??? NOT BEFORE?????

“it all seemed so real.” is that Not the point of vivid REM sleep hallucinations-

is oliver gonna show ben the apple and ruin hills’ whole operation

WHO ARE ALEX AND RYAN-

“what’s 25-8″ bro dont do this to me-

yep hes gonna show the apple

ayyy the guy who stole karl jacobs jacket it back

the second hand embarrassment is back and I Hate It

all that happens in episode ONE??? bro get some better writers that is bad pacing

“it’s the best!” wait until season eight. no show has a good season eight.

quinn knows about the apple thing w the dreams and multiverse and realities dont he

YOU KILLED HIM

NOT KARL JACOBS NOOOOO HES ALREADY DIED ONCE

oliver is v relatable

wHaT iN tArNaTiOn-

lemme hear that explanaton again-

is bill cipher gonna show up? i hope bill cipher shows up. i miss gravity falls

“ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” moooooooood

did hills murder quinn

is your family the jasper cult

TOXXIICCCCCC get that lady out of your life quinn that is so toxic

“ ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree! ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE END NO WHAT WHY NO

The Adventures of Benjamin and Oliver

he is Not Good

ope-

wait so ben is equal parts an adult AND a child?? okay that clears a lot up

I MEAN HE WAS RIGHT THO BEN U CAN’T REALLY ARGUE ON THAT-

ew get off the floor

butterfly effect, multiverse theory, memory decay, and your imagination ALL exist yall gonna ignore that cause you wanna be famous?

“We already know what the future looks like!”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

to add to the list of bad things: Cats (2019)

YA BOI THINKS IT’S NOT ALREADY FIFTY YEARS TOO LATE TO START FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE FFFFF

BINGO BABYYYY

get what what

what mapped-

awwwww he thinks THEY’RE creating the multiverse

you gonna dismiss the multiverse theory bc of something you created in your current reality? loooserrrrrr

ABUSE YOUR GODLIKE POWERS

she draggin that seven year old

a lot makes sense now why didnt i do this first-

Jasper

the food shortages-

bro that calculators like 90 bucks at walmart

imagine meeting a stranger and they know Everything about your life like that’s gotta be so weird

what’s even weirder is them telling you you’re the deity of a cult that sacrifices animals

THAT FOURTH WALL BREAK WAS-

KARL JACOBS IS DEAD NOOOOOO

ooohhh there’s context for that

OOOOHHHH THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS TOOOO

w h a t -

W H A T -

Conclusion:

it’s 2 in the morning and i need sleep but hOOOOO MY GODS THAT WAS GOOD IS IT OVER OR NOT IDK ANYMORE IM TIRED THAT WAS CRAZY I HOPE QUINN AND JASPER GO ON TO BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND I HOPE BENJAMIN AND OLIVER STAY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND I HOPE HILLS FINDS A THERAPIST WAS A LITTLE CONFUSING BUT I ENJOYED IT

if i dream about apples im suing /j /lh

#lucids #nicholas podany #there's a metaphor in there somewhere #but im not gonna be the one to find it #i dont think i dreamed about apples #youre safe for now podany #for now #EDIT #I PUT 'something their not'#WRONG THERE #I HAVE NO EXCUSE #IM SORRY

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bucky-iss-bae · 4 years

Text

Reminiscences - Peter Hale x OFC (Part 2)

Hello againnnn - so I’m finally back, finally going to be active.

My life has been a mess, I’ve not been motivated, and mentally I’ve gone through a lot the last 10 months, got thorugh University, Graduated, got a job, was a shit job, got another grad job during quarentine, and it’s been good and bad...

Sorry for never posting and being bad at this, but I want to bounce back, so now its timmmeee. Also this Fic is actually completed.

Want to post more, and just give you guys good content xoxo

Fandom: Teen Wolf

Pairing: Peter Hale x OFC (Calla)

Word Count: 2900 (Sorryyy, idk why it’s so long)

Warnings: None - Slow Start I guess

Summary: Calla has grown up as Derek’s best friend, she’s known the Hales her whole life,she’s known their secrets and everything in Beacon Hills. Things in Beacon Hills are quiet, the pack are a family, and Calla realises that Peter knows more of her secrets than she realises.

A/N: Hope you all enjoy, any feedback is welcome x

Masterlist Fandom List

Peter Hale x OFC - Reminiscenes Part 1

Part 2

The days following that evening I completely ignored Peter. I saw him whenever he was lurking around Derek’s, I even went to the efforts of walking the complete opposite direction as him when I went grocery shopping. But if he remembers, everything every single thing I told him. Then I may as well die now. Especially since he’ll use that against me. This is Peter we’re on about.

“So you’ve apparently been ignoring Peter?” Derek asked once he settled onto my couch on Thursday.

I rolled my eyes, “And. There’s nothing wrong with that, he’s a psycho”

Derek huffed out a laugh, “There is when it makes him mopey. He comes around to mine in hope that you’re there you know”

“Well, maybe he should stop trying to be such a stalker” I told his nephew. It was weird that there was such a large but short age difference between Peter and us. He wasn’t ever seen as the adult when we were younger, he had a boyish smirk, he had charm, and wit, and was so different compared to how he is now. He completely changed because of the fire, and the 5 years of solitude almost. He grew up, yet I didn’t see this change despite being the only person visiting him. I didn’t know he was the alpha yet I made a fool out of myself by being there for him, and he couldn’t even trust me.

“You sure it’s that?” Derek asked.

“Derek. If you’re here to talk about Peter then you can just leave. Actually no you can’t you don’t have an option, stop talking about Peter, tonight is about us. If you want I’ll send him a text saying hi later and then ignore him”

Derek shook his head a small smirk on his face. I felt a bit bad that I was taking Derek away from his boyfriend. But I needed my best friend sometimes as well.

“Good, now how are things with Stiles going?”

Derek huffed out a laugh, “They’re going well. Really well actually, never really thought that I would end up with him, but it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. And I sound like a soppy teenager. So let’s talk about your love life”

I snorted, “Right, what love life? Actually, I went on a date last week, it was a complete failure. I’m just glad that the girls who set me up with him don’t work in the same department as him”

Derek started to laugh, “How comes I didn’t know about this?”

“Because I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even... it wasn’t even a big deal for me. I wasn’t excited, I just wanted to get it over and done with, and the worst thing is when I was getting into my car at the end of the night he tried to kiss me. And Derek I still cringe, what happened was I turned my head so fast he kissed my hair. Completely missed the cheek”

This caused Derek to laugh, loudly, at me. “Wow Calla. Who would’ve thought huh?” He asked.

I rolled my eyes at him, “Shut up. It was a mess, so I rather not talk about that. Instead, I’m going to set up a tinder profile.”

Derek still had this amused smirk on his face, it was nice seeing him like this. For the first time in years, he was happy. His life was on track, sure there were constant threats to the town, but that happens, that’s part of the job description of being a werewolf, and with Derek being a complete shifter, it makes a difference.

But being with Stiles makes a difference, you can literally see the way that he looks at him, and I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. He’s almost that young cocky guy he once was, but a more matured version who has a history to him. Who has so much more to himself than ever before, and I’m proud of him. Proud of everything he’s gone through and defeated. I know his mom, and sister would also be proud of him, whether he’s an alpha or not, he’s still so powerful, and has such a good heart.

“Let’s get started then” He grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes and rather than Pizza we ordered Chinese food, and rather than watching a film we created a tinder profile for me. It was terrible, Derek called in the big guns and Stiles was on Face time with us, which made it even worse for me. But I didn’t mind, I love stiles, and boy let me tell you he added spice to my basic profile. And obviously gave my pictures a yes or no.

“I’ve helped you guys this far, let me help with the swiping” Stiles said through the phone.

I scoffed at him, “Derek say bye to your man he’s helped enough”

Derek shook his head with a small smile on his face, “You heard the boss” He said to him.

“All that help, you better show me your matches or who you’ve spoken to over the next few days Calla. I’ll know if you don’t”

I laughed at him and Derek soon hung up, “Come on, let’s see who’s around then”

Both Derek and I started swipping through these guys, commenting to each other, and swiping left or right. Mainly left. Let’s be honest. Most of these guys either looked like guys who were balding too early in life, or others who were after a quick fuck. Despite everything I did manage to swipe right a few times.

“Please let’s stop now. Like, if you think I’m going actually going to find anyone through tinder its... not likely. It’s just a bit of fun, could lead to a quick lay”

“The same way Stiles and I getting together wasn’t likely”

I grinned at him “I should’ve called it. When you constantly wanted to get mad at him, way back when, and you just couldn’t. But that itself feels like years ago”

“Yeah, the same way my uncle spared your life?” Derek said back.

I glared at him and hit his arm, “I hate you, and I’m pretty sure your uncle is a sociopath”

“Yeah. Same but, let’s be real here. He has a soft spot for you Calla”

“Derek, I will stab you if you don’t shut up.”

“I would love to see you try”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I will call Argent right now and get him to help me out”

He laughed, “Alright, I’ll shut up now. I’m sorry”

I nodded, “You better be sorry... Also why do you keep bringing up your uncle of all people to me?” I asked curiously.

Derek knows nothing of what I done whilst he was away, he knows nothing of the feelings I once harboured for Peter, maybe I still do which is why I’m so defensive, but no one needs to know this. But still, there’s got to be a reason behind Derek’s madness right now. Maybe Peter wormed his way into his head? It’s a possibility.

“You just said you wanted me to shut up”

I shrugged, “Just curious. Then you can shut up, and we can watch something”

He shook his head, “The way he acts around you I guess. He’s a prick towards everyone, including you don’t get me wrong, but he’s a different type of prick round you. And he cares about you, he gets protective, worries, cares”

I would be lying if I said that didn’t affect me, but it does. Although it means nothing.

“Derek, are you forgetting that I was basically raised around him. Wherever you were, he was, or the other way around. Like he’s been a constant figure in my life for a very long time. Sure he wasn’t mobile for a few of those years. But he was still in Beacon Hills. So maybe that’s why, maybe he has something that slightly resembles feelings from when he’s younger and he sees me as the kid that he used to teach basketball to, and just putting this out there I am amazing at basketball, which has got to be the meaning behind this madness, and this is because of him, and maybe a little you, but still”

“Really? We live in this town, and that’s what you call madness?” He asked.

“Yes Derek. That is madness, you’re forgetting I’m just a human girl who only just knows how to defend herself and I rather have that as my type of madness instead of anything else”

“How have you actually been?” He asked me giving me a serious look, “Like... you’ve literally been thrown into this world again, months after your parents passed away, and sure that was a couple of years ago, but you rarely see your younger brother because he’s working abroad, and the only other family you have is us. But most weekends we’re off fighting something supernatural, and you’re just at the loft, waiting.”

I shrugged, “I’m fine Derek. I’m happy... sure I miss my parents a lot and that set me back a lot. That made me want to constantly curl up into a ball and just cry. But having you back, having this normal-ish again. These last few months, I’ve gotten better. Ive also got my girls” I said with a smile, but he looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate causing me to sigh and twist my body completely towards him,

“Derek, I’m working an amazing Job, sure it doesn’t pay the best but I don’t need the money. I have money, instead I’m doing something I enjoy, and they’re easy shifts. I’ve always wanted to be an elementary teacher, but without the stress so a teaching assistant is the best thing. And I have Fridays off, and I do talk to my brother. Just not as often as I want because he’s doing so well for himself in London. And I have you Derek, I have my life long best friend. After everything we’ve been through we’re both here and we’re both happy. Sure my life could be further along than it currently is, but I’m finally in a good place”

He nodded at me, “Good” He whispered, “I’m happy to hear that”

“I hate you” I said shaking my head, but in reality he knows that I love him and he is my absolute best friend no matter how much I want to kill him.

Apparently Lydia and Malia found it amusing that I now have an online dating profile. Everyone did, all aside from one person. That person I’m still avoiding but he still finds a way to worm his way into my life, especially since I’m currently sat with the girls, who are judging each and every guy whose photo I scroll through, and his face pops up.

Malia was laughing, seeing her father’s face on my phone, and Lydia finding it as amusing made me realise I need more friends other than Derek my age. Especially since Lydia decided on swiping right.

“Well, well, it’s a match” Lydia laughed, “But it makes me think, whats the maximum age you’re hitting here”

I rolled my eyes with a small scoff, trying to keep my heartbeat in place, “Well, if I wanted to talk to him. I would, yet I’m not, and you just swiped for me, that’s not fair, and guy my age are… I don’t know” I said to them.

“Well he clearly wants to talk to you” Lydia murmured.

I scoffed, “He wants to get under my skin. It’s what he does. Anyway don’t you girls have I don’t know other stuff to do?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“Nope, completely free tonight.” Lydia grinned.

I internally groaned but only seconds later was I literally saved by the bell, my phone started to ring, and Derek’s name popped up.

“Hello” I answered.

“Where are you?” He asked.

“I’m at Lydia’s place. With Lydia and Malia. Why?”

“No reason. Just, a few threats about, tell me when you’re going to leave to get home, and message me when you get there alright”

I rolled my eyes but had a small smile on my face, “Yes of course Derek. Do you know who or what it is?”

“Not sure yet. Probably isn’t something too dangerous. But whatever it is, they’re drawing other hunters to town. And now we have twice as much to look out for.”

“Stay safe then Derek. Does Chris know the hunters?”

“He’s looking into it”

I nodded, “Alright then. Just make sure you’re all safe and everything ok”

“Yeah always. Remember to message me when you get home” He then hung up and I looked at Lydia,

“What’s happened?” She asked me,

“Something else is out there, along with some hunters. And now I’m worried that these hunters will obviously know about our boys, and one thing will lead to another and someone might get hurt”

She had a worried expression on her face before looking at Malia who was on the phone to Scott, “We’ll figure it out. We always do”

I nodded, although I didn’t get involved as much considering I’m human with no special ability at all, and no badge, and well I’m not the smartest of the bunch. I just make sure everyone’s safe and worry about them all whilst making sure they eat and do their homework. That’s obviously the teacher side of me coming out there, no matter what ages I teach even if I am only a teaching assistant who works 4 days a week.

“So Scott just said that Stiles and Chris are trying to find out who the hunters actually are, and that he Derek and Peter are going to find whatever’s out there. He told me to stay here...”

“You’re not are you?” Lydia asked.

Malia smirked and shook her head, “Nope. And I’m pretty sure you two won’t either, so who’s going to drop me off at Scott’s house?”

Both Lydia and I looked at each other before sighing and getting up, we got our stuff together, she called out to her mom telling her that we were going to Scott’s before we all left.

“What are you all doing here?” Scott asked once we walked in.

“You think we’re really going to let all the boys have the fun?” Malia asked her boyfriend, “And come on, I know those woods better than anything” She shrugged.

No one could deny that, both her and Chris were the best hunters here. As in being able to physically find something with the given clues.

“And I’m here to assist Stiles and Chris apparently” Lydia shrugged, everyone easily let that pass before all eyes were on me.

“I thought I told you to go home. It’s dangerous”

I shrugged, “I know. I really didn’t have any other choice” I said nodding my head towards Malia.

“Well you should just go home then. You’ll just be in the way otherwise” Peter snapped at me.

I rose my eyebrows at him, silently cursing Lydia for swiping right on his stupid face.

“I might just stay, make sure you don’t snake anyone out” I spat back to him.

“What and you think you’ll be able to stop me?”

“Peter won’t do anything, we’re not even sure what the problem is at the moment. So just go home Calla” Derek told me.

I felt a bit taken back at how blunt and rude he was at that, and considering no one decided on saying anything, I just grabbed my bag and left without a word. Because hey there’s nothing new there, being treated like I’m nothing despite seeing everyone as family. I would’ve expected a bit more considering they’ve got literal kids in there helping yet I can’t. Even if it is to make sure they’re all safe and not making stupid plans. I was there when Talia was alpha, I know how things work. Instead I just get embarrassed surrounded by my friends, and left to feel worthless because I’m of no help.

As soon as I got in my car, I knew that all I needed right now was a glass of wine, and some trash TV.

Which is exactly what I done when I got home, wine, some trash TV, and the comfort of my own apartment. And as petty as I may sound, I just hate feeling this way, and knowing that it’s something that constantly happens, I don’t see why I get involved in the first place. It’s the same old thing, I try and be there for everyone, they shut me out whenever shit goes down and I just keep running back. But no this isn’t going to keep happening because this week I will make the time and effort to go out with my girlfriends. I’ll dress up and have fun without worrying about anything else. Derek won’t be there to stop me, Peter won’t be there with his snarky remarks, and I won’t be surrounded by teenagers.

Which is exactly why I messaged my friends that I’m always talking to yet never have the time to see because I’m constantly with everyone else. We spoke for a little while before I asked when everyone was free for drinks, and guess what this girl is doing on Thursday after work. A night out, with my girls, and I can’t wait.

Because I really felt in the mood to treat myself, I also planned on going shopping with one of the girls tomorrow after work. So no harm done there, I’ll buy myself a new outfit, some new makeup all ready for Thursday.

Peter Hale x OFC - Reminiscences Part 3

#Peter Hale #Peter Hale Imagine #Peter Hale Fan Fic #Peter Hale Fan Fiction #Teen Wolf #Peter Hale x OFC #OFC #Original Female Character #Teen Wolf Fic #Teen Wolf Fan Fiction #Reminiscences

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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splendidshinobi · 3 years

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FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 21-25

almost halfway done lads how we feelin'

episode 21: the red glow

ah yes barry

"i'm alphonse elric!!!!!" yes u r baby!!!

who just popped over the wall

scar im assuming

"i kill therefore i am".....barry spouting descartes rn

it was scar haha

hi greed

thought i saw you earlier

WHY DID THEY DRAW HIS ARMS THAT LONG

ope he found the chimera crew...

jerry jewell's evil laugh gets me every time lmao he's so great

ed has deep philosophical talks bro

also ed is chaotic but his personal morals are unshakeable

who are these prison guards gonna release

oh hey kimblee

oh hey squad

ed take out ur pokeball

um wth is that

OH MY GOD TUCKER WHAT

I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT YODA OR A SWAMP MONSTER

he looks FUCKKEDDDD

bro of all the things i was not expecting him

oof ishval flashbacks

young scar why is your hair brown

why is it white now

WHY IS HE NAKED

whos her

lust 1.0 im assuming

ew omg tucker is literally so fuckin nasty lookin idk

idk why but he's worse than rod reiss titan for me

wait a damn minute

wait a damn fucking minute

goddamnit

what is GOIN ON

i need tucker to stop whispering he sounds like fucking voldemort on the back of quirrells head

jesus

episode 22: created human

hughes' pajamas look like armin's futon from aot junior high

the bad place???? was that greed's prison gluttony was lookin at?

im still shook af over tucker and tbh its been like 24 hours since i watched episode 21

STOP WHISPERING TUCKER

driving me up a wall

my poor son looks so tired :(

those moral principles at it again

bradley.......

ewww the way tucker walks STOP

hi envy!!!!!

so all of those prisoner guys gonna get flattened by some alchemy

hey kimblee!!!

so did greed escape with the homies???? cause i feel like he would have made his presence known already....

i feel like im missing a lot because im a ding dong

musty prison kimblee is kinda...hot....physically speaking..oops..personality wise obviously there's MUCH to work on

so envy knows hohenheim

ED BABY

he won't do it

oh no alphonse

oh god memory implants

al's identity crisis CONTINUES

they wanna become humans??? huh....doesnt really make sense for their characters...(maybe envy but more on that at 11)

is ed gonna kill these guys for al

some1!!!!!! hold!!!!! me!!!! im so stressed

is he pretending to do it and he's got another plan up his sleeve!!!!????

honestly he's so depressed i cant even tell

those unshakable moral principles at work again i see

the red water can turn ed into a god???? wtf ed doesnt want to be a god he wants to punch god

oh theres the greed squad! i found them!!! is kimblee joining up with them

maria girly!!!!!!!

THE HOMUNCULI IN THEIR STUPID UNIFORMS I--

who's the lady. i need 2 know.

episode 23: fullmetal heart

alphonse is destroyed again

poor kid

"edward sir" brosh pls!!!

oh excuse me--- ***Bloch

The Ross Slap™

winry <3

pinako takes no prisoners

ed didnt you JUST tell brosh and ross they might be right that you needed to trust adults with more shit and now youre blowing off hughes

ed's DRAWINGS im-

hi sig hi izumi!!!

al is so sad over there in that corner

poor baby son

sometimes i feel like hughes and mustang are ed and al's divorced dads

the little arakawa avatar cows in the back im CRYING!!!!!!!

“bean”

snappy al

ooffffffff

omg hughes plz

elicia is precious though we love her

"dad's friend the bookworm" omg sheska

awwww gracia made edward a cake!!!!!!!

god catch me cryin in the club

CONGRATULATIONS

"whatever" al im crying he's so sad

AL MADE BROSH OR WHOEVER CARRY HIS DESTROYED ARMOR TO THE ROOF IM ACTUALLY YELLING

"you goof"

yes winry you are correct boy is a goof

sir you are being so dramatic

give that baby a hug

"so called brother"

so we all know that was a knife through the heart for ed

al just jumped off a FUCKING ROOF and ED TRIED TO FOLLOW

so im crying

i liked this better when they HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT AL'S FEARS AND MADE THE FUCK UP

episode 24: bonding memories

guess we're gonna play w my emotions again

sometimes like....one bit characters talk...like villager b ya know? and im like who are you i know that voice

so the nasty military has come to ruin some lives again

and barry for some reason

aww poor al

youre real you are!!!!!!

i just feel like people would know people that wear sunglasses in the rain would be ishvalan

but what do i know

obviously they dont have the white hair thing in this version

poor ed is so sad

these boys need a hug

let me just *pulls out adoption papers*

well if scar doesnt have queen mei to adopt in 03, he’s got this little toothless boy

dont lie al you do care

ew i dont like her

the drama of this boy

so the nasty military has come to ruin some lives again part 2

apparently they are *mercenaries??? excuse me

i have some questions regarding this kid’s mom

well you know i can see why this kid feels this way about his mom

it does look like she ran off...

al and scar dream team up

HEY ED!!! HEY WINRY!!!

bout time

yall gonna have this talk now????

barry STOPPPPPP

brotherhood barry is the true king there i said it

damn scar you baddie

barry like....you already knew him

anyway

WHAT THE HELL

NO RICKKK!!!!!!

someone save this boy!!!!

oh good his mom “saved” him

ah damn thats pretty tragic

she didnt know they were right in front of her

well my questions were answered

so she attacks with grape fanta. thats one way to do it

ed looks like such an angry gremlin right now this is a heartwarming moment sir please

why are ed and scar being so civil right now this is so weird

bye scar

we’ll see him again

see you later scar

episode 25: words of farewell

maes who let you buy that awful pink suit

gracia please it better not have been you

mustang ew please

dont open the door lookin like that

what the hell are you doing in here

so hughes WASNT in ishval here?

i think that takes a lot away from his character but anyway

bradley hangs around like a creep at every possible instant

why would bradley care about ishvalan refugees like hughes cmon

“unspeakable crimes” BRADLEY YOU LITERALLY CANNOT TALK

juliet douglas is this lady’s name

only took me 1000 episodes to figure that out

ED AND AL??? NOT DEALING WITH DANGEROUS THINGS??????? dont make me laugh assholes theyre lying thru their teeth

izumi time lets go

wow we’re still going to rush valley? wasnt really expecting that tbh

elicia i LOVE you!!!!!

ew kimblee “hi”

how did he lightning himself like that

if i were ishvalan i would not go to the south....yet ANOTHER war torn region of amestris but ok

okay

an amestrian desert biker gang rolled up to wreak havoc

HUGHES AHAHAHA

tbh i wouldnt want to tell roy anything either stupid bitch

anyway

um why do i feel like its hughes’ death episode

he would not be shown tucking elicia in to bed otherwise

please im not ready to be hurt again

oh no

yeah he just learned something about our girl juliet

ive been waiting for this information

he’s gonna die before we learn anything helpful

yupppppp

hey lust figured you’d show up sooner or later

i too wish i could look that sexy pulling a kunai out of my forehead

SLOTH????????

did girly just say SLOTH

i- nothing about her seems particularly slothy but ok

u know what!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENVY HEYYY

DUMBASS ROY JUST HAAAAAD TO LEAVE

haha famous last words

oof it hurts every time

not the FUNERAL scene no!

time for me to go

peace out homies im dead inside

yes my brigadier general

NOT THE RAIN

COME ONNNNNN

hughes is sneezing six feet under

was ed supposed to be looking at hughes’ ghost

um....right

#carol watches fma03 #carol's remaining brain cells #fullmetal alchemist #fma 03 #zoo wee freaking mama #thoughts i have THOUGHTS

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figuringouthowtobehere · 3 years

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please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

#childhood abuse tw #tw #tw alone in the world #suicide tw #please dont reblog this #no rb #homelessness tw

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he-tea-lia · 4 years

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you guys are the pnly place i feel comfy simping and i only feel comfy simping also when i am drunk. sry if im annoying and sry for typos. i wish alice were real i really wanna hug eher right now. *hugs* alice pls if u r out ther ei love you i wanna hug you. i wanna hug her. i wanna hug. there is a girl i like who i went on two dates with like sometime in 2019 and then i ghosted her out of fear that she didn’t like me and also my phone broke so i lost her number 1/?

but apparently her mom talked to my mom (they r friends that’s how we met) and she still likes me but the last time we talked was last year when i was in hs and now i am in college (still local tho) and shej is a senior in hs and legal (18) but idk it might still be awkward. not to sex no just to go on a date agian and maybe kiss. ive never kissed before and i really wanna do that. maybe also sex evenetually but not now that would be too fast i think. she does cosplay apparently 2/?

( id id not know this it never came up in coversation)and maybe if i ask her to cosplay alice? she reminds me a lot of alice but she is real and has short hair that is dyed a rly cute pink. she is a bit more bubbly (which is ok with me i like that) and also not english. i like her personality and her looks a lot she is rly sweet and i wanna hug her and maybe we could cosplay alice and sakura thogether? is it bad that i compair her to my waifu? would i be cheating on alice if i went on 3/?

another date with her? would she be offended my comparing her to alice? she is real and real girls have many different parts of their personality but she looks so much like alice i wanna kiss hert. we also have many ofthe same politcs which is also good. she used to wear contacts but now she wears glasses and they look like alice’s glasses asdfghjkl. she is not even that big into hetalia but she said she watched the last two seasons and thought it was funny. i feel bad for comparing her 4/?

i like her evn if she didnt look like alice but the fact that she does makes me like her more. does that make me a bad person? should i tell her that or just never mention it ever because it could make things awkward. she is more normie than me (i like this about her) and find my sperging to be cute ( she said so on our second date evn though i talked through the movie i made her laugh a bunch). i am not good with talking about feelings

and am actually very shy but i feel comfy around her enough to talk and i think i can flirt but all my flirting is learned from media like anbime and manga and books and fic and doujinshi. still, since it has been over a year since we last talked and trying to reconnect could be awkward? i am not good at being the first to text or texting back. this is an issue also in my rps and i lie and say i have a busy work schedule (i do not) when i accidentally ghost an rp partner. sad. many such cases. lol

basically can anyone give me advice on if i should ask my mom to ask her mom for her number again (///-_-/// embarrasing yes i am an adult who relies on my momn for everything (including getting dates apparently). pls no judgement) and if i should ask her out? how do we even have a date with coronachan? how long should i wait until i bring up cosplaying my waifu? should i never bring it up? am i bad for comparing her to alice? pls help idk how to feel my mom told me today that her mom said that she mentioned me

and wanted to know how i was doing i am doing good just rly sad an in love with a body pillow that is still in the mail. if i date a real girl does this fix my lonelyness? if corona is gone and the cons open next year maybe we could go to a con? is a con date a good idea or really stupid (not counting corona just like in general without corona)?

——

okay. there’s a lot to discuss here and it’s past midnight and i’m quite tired but i’ll see what i can do.

first: i don’t know what the age difference between you is, but if you can legally drink and she can’t, i feel like there’s a bit of an imbalance there? not because of the drinking itself; more because it marks you as legally more adult than her, if that makes sense.

second: you are not a bad person for liking someone who reminds you of a fictional character. however, i think it’s important to remember this girl and alice are not one and the same, and you’d need to be very aware of that were you to date. i can’t say either way whether she’d be offended at the comparison, but from what you’ve said, i think you’d have to be quite careful to remind both her and you that it’s her you’re dating and that you like her for her, not for how she reminds you of alice. as to whether you tell her or not really depends on both her and you – i don’t know her at all, so i can’t say whether she’d be flattered or not. maybe if you framed it in the context of her reminding you of a character you love rather than alice herself? god i don’t know haha

trying to reconnect could be awkward, yes. that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, though – awkwardness isn’t necessarily a sign of a mistake, especially if you haven’t spoken for a while. having said that, though, maybe take it slow – don’t necessarily jump straight into another date, perhaps just text or something and see how that goes.

re: cosplaying – i mean. that isn’t something you want to bring up straight away. i think you’d need to be in a pretty steady relationship for that, though i don’t know.

for dates – maybe a zoom/discord/skype/whatever video call? it’s not remotely the same as seeing someone irl but it’s a kind of temporary solution, i guess. for dates once rona fucks off, i mean – once again, it’s really up to both you and her. if you both want to go to a con, then sure, do a con date! it’s only a bad idea if one of you isn’t into the idea.

i think i’ve covered everything – or at least the most important parts – so tl;dr eeeehhhh maybe?

#long post #mod spruce #fuckin. agony aunt over here #submission #i continue not to have submitted this wtf tumblr sort your life out #alice anon

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oh-shit-a-baby · 4 years

Text

BLACK FRIDAY THOUGHTS PART TWO

A complete compilation of my thoughts throughout the musicals second half,,, this bois going to be real long bc I have a lot of thoughts lol

Now without @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces :(

Yep dumbledore can still sing

Omg his voice

This song is going to make me cry aaaaa

Becky: you don’t look at all the same as I remember

Me: yeah no shit dumbledore grew a beard

Jesus,,,,, theyre just going to go for it right there,,,,,, ookay

Wtaf is this movie they’re watching

HOLY SHIT HER VOICE IS /PRETTY/ HER RANGE IS HUGE!!!

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion bc no one has an opinion yet but Becky and toms song is the cutest one ever and a bop and I love it

Jesus they payed for a balcony and they’re going to fucking use it aren’t they

WELCOME TO PEIP HQ IM SO DOWN FOR THAT

OH THERE ARE MANY DIMENSIONS????? U GONNA EXPLAIN THAT MR GENERAL MACNAMARA????

The black and white isn’t that what lexs sister was on about

Wiggly is the king u wot m8

President kurt knows nothing about anything and that’s a mood

So if the next movie isn’t about ‘13 years ago’ imma freak

U WANNA SEND ME INTO THE FUCKIN TWILIGHT ZONE AND HAVE DINNER WITH THE DEVIL??????!?!!

NO!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!

^^^president kurt quotes

In short, mr president, we are trying to stop the birth

*dramatic piano*

Of a god.

*dRAMATIC PIANO*

It’s good score tho 10/10

Sherman young

Nuff said

After today’s great battle???

Faith in the one true god!! All hail wiggly!!!

My new religion lol

LET LAKESIDE MALL BE A NEW JERUSALEM!!!!

*cue joey and Robert just screaming wiggly for like 5 mins straight*

NO THEY FOUND LEX

OH YEAH FUCKIN KILL THEM!!!

Who????????

FUCK YEAH LINDA

CULT??? NO! ITS A NEW EXCITING RELIGION THAT I STARTED!!!!

Yeah Gerald

She pronounces Cinnabon as see-nah-bohn what’s up with that lol

I NEED A WIGGLY DOLL...... IDEALLY FOUR OF THEM!!!

IVE MET GOD. HE HAD NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

*cue people dying and their mics stopping working*

Holy fuck they all wanna kill Hannah now (lexs sister gets a name now apparently)

LAUREN I LOVE YOU AS A VILLAIN

I would kneel before villain Lauren any day

I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything and then I will oh shit it’s Gerald.

While I don’t want you to think for yourselves I do want you to understand what I mean when I say my evil shit

I’m sorry that choreo is a yike

ETHAN DARLING COME BACK I MISS YOU <<<333333

IM CRYING NOW

He’s in the black and white now we’ll that sounds like shit

NOT ETHAN

Hannah is the unsung hero of this musical so far

*said in wiggly voice* well, webby (Hannah’s spider imaginary friend who I think is gonna be the deus ex machina of this thing) is a stupid bitch!

Rotten little banana. I’m going to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat you Hannah. I’m going to eat you right now. *all said in dramatic wiggly voice*

Aaand their mics broke again

We don’t get tricked! We’re grown ups!

And Becky and Tom are immediately evil the second they see the wiggly bc of course they are

Jesus beckys the villain???????

Welcome to the musical where everyone gets a villain song AND a hero song??????

Her voice is still beautiful

*Prancing around* DO YOU WANT SOME CANDYYYYY??????

She’s still wearing ethans hat my heart is going to go oh my god

And he just,,,,, leaves Becky to die?????

President Kurt in a space suit oh my god

And America is great again is playing in the background

MACNAMARA SAID ‘GODSPEED’ AND IS THAT A CATCHPHRASE I SENSE THERE

Yeah no president kurt can’t do foreign policy

His name is like howie or something but imma call him president kurt just like Tom was dumbledore for like the first half of this mess

Oh fuck joeys character is here and he’s gonna FUCK PREZ KURT UP

He’s eating an apple that means he’s a asshole

Holy fuck joeys character is like the ultimate capitalist

And also terrifying holy shit

NO MACNAMARA DONT GO IN THERE

Joeys character: Do you think that in the Netherlands they’d care about some toy??? Nah!!! They’re too busy with their free vacations and FREE healthcare!!

(When I refer to joeys character I mean the evil one he just doesn’t have a name yet so idk what to call him)

And joey can still sing I love him

His voice is so good and this whole villain is giving me spies are forever flashbacks

I have absolutely no fuckin clue what’s going on rn

Holy fuck joeys voice is so beautiful and his range is killing me

I take back what I said earlier this song is the best one bc joey

Holy fuck someone just hit like a high d and I have no clue who it was bc the video quality is not the greatest

JESUS THATS TERRIFYING

THE FUCK YOU MEAN DONT BE FRIGHTENED THATS MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON

LOOK AT THIS FUCKER JESUS CHRIST

Wiggly is so scary because he speaks like a child and those are scary

MACNAMARA EX MACHINA

Mac: BEGONE

Prez kurt: SORRY JOHN I FUCKED IT UP

THATS THE HOOK FROM NOT YOUR SEED ISNT IT HOLY SHIT

Joeys voice and acting is gonna kill me

Yeah made in America is the shit

MAC NO U CANT DIE U DIE IN TGWDLM

Also the black and white is a dumb as shit name for an alternate reality

Prez kurt: MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

*wiggly voice* Uh-oh mr prezzy-wez. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-womb.

Well shits about to go down

I’m calling it the bomb bombed the White House

Oop no they’ve only gone and lost Moscow

Well fuck here comes ww3 I guess

And prez kurt is definitely insane in the brain

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN THE ‘ALIENS INVADING MINDS’ BIT OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE A MUSICAL GENIUS

Jesus Sherman is a weird fuck and lex is kinda clever I guess it’s a shame we haven’t seen her for most of the musical

Lex: I THREW EM IN THE FUCKIN TRASH

LEX BABY NO DONT DIE

Lex: Is this what I live for? To be choked in a toy store?

Lexs beautiful song is this musicals version of not your seed but depression

And her voice is /pretty/

MAC?????????????

WHAT??????????????

OH MY GOD HE IS AUTHORISING HER TO USE HIS FIREARM YES QUEEN

I’m sorry lex and Hannah can do what

Jeffs voice kills me him and joey need a duet and that would be the end of me

What did lex just do in so confused

MAC DID THE SALUTE IMMA CRY YALL

And we’re back with Tom

Oh fuck lex is gonna shoot tom

Hold up Tom names his son Tim

Wiggly is playing mind tricks now yikes

Lex: KIDS DONT WANT THAT PEICE OF SHIT!!!

Tom: wat

Lex: THEYRE ALL INTO FORTNITE DUDE!!!!!

So the doll can only fuck with adults not kids???

Jesus Christ this is depressing

U wot lex

Lex: YOURE LIKE 40!!!!! YOU PROBABLY THINK YOURE LIFE IS OVER!!!!

Holy fuck this shit is deep

Wait lex still doesn’t know about Ethan oh my god

And Dylan gets another hero song holy fuck just give Robert a song already everyone else has one

At the same time though this is S a d

I’m not crying you’re crying

YES DUMBLEDORE U HIT THAT HIGH NOTE

Tom: in fact you’re real fuckin ugly

Me: yeah no shit

Lex: FUCK YEAH!!!! Should i move these boxes first?

*cue very clever scene change*

Yeah Gerald no one wants to talk to u

Oh my god Linda leave Hannah and ethans hat alone my heart is breaking for Hannah

Linda: is this some kind of a jooooke?????

They’re gonna set one of their dolls on fire ok ok ok this is fine

More villain songs ookay

If someone could tell me what the fuck is going on in this scene I’d be very impressed

Evil yoga

YES LAUREN U QUEEN

HOLY FUCK IS THAT CHARLOTTE??????

OH MY GOD ITS JAIME IN THE CHARLOTTE COSTUME IT IS CHARLOTTE HOLY SHIT

ITS CHARLOTTE AND THE HOMELESS DUDE HOLY SHIT

The choreo is...... interesting

Cue Robert not-Corey and Lauren being the only good dancers and getting special choreo

FUCK YEAH BECKY WITH THE GUN

LINDA NO

Ookay so everyone’s on fire this is fine

Emma and Paul ex machina

SOMEBODY NUKED MOSCOW!

paul is family third wheeling

YOU KNOW, SHE HAS THIS KOOKY RECLUSIVE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR

*audience fucking looses their shit*

WHO LIVES ON THE EDGE OF TOWN

Paul is having an existential crisi because he sHOULD HAVE WORN A WATCH

Someone’s gonna fall of that staircase by the end of this performance

HOLY FUCK ITS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID

IT IS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID OH NY GODDDDD

LOOK AT HIM

It’s the what if tomorrow comes bit!!!!!!!

Okay again this choreo is interesting but the vocals are all S t u n n i n g

They’re literally counting down until the end of the show imma loose my shit that’s the least subtle they’ve been during the entire show

Hang on hang on hang on hang on haaaaang on right there

Did lex just never find out that her boyfriend died we were deprived of a heart wrenching moment when she found out about Ethan

Like jeez I cried and I barely knew him she was dating the guy and just... didn’t ask about him????

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN

That’s it!!!!! Those were my thoughts the first time I watched this through!!!!!!!

Scream at me in the notes with any questions and I’ll try answer them :)

#tgwdlm #the guy who didn't like musicals #black friday musical #black friday starkid #black friday #wiggly #lauren lopez #robert manion #jeff blim #joey richter #digital ticket #black friday spoilers

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stevie-steven-stevington · 5 years

Text

Febuwhump Day 9: coma

Fandom: MCU Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, May Parker, Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones Category: Gen Rating: T Warnings: injury description? idk Words: 1.7k

read on ao3

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When Peter calls him, Tony figures it’s just to say he’s going to be late.

It’s 1:47 on a Saturday. Peter’s supposed to be here at 4:00, with Happy picking him up at 3:00, but every once in a while Peter will end up late because he wants to finish an essay first or something.

It’s not unusual for either Tony to receive a call from Peter in the middle of the school day. It is unusual for no one to respond when he picks up.

“Pete?” Tony’s immediately concerned, sitting stick-straight in his lab chair as he hears nothing but faltering breathing. “Peter.”

A strangled noise comes from the other end of the line. Tony’s out of his seat and running to the room where he keeps all his suits in less than a second. Peter’s voice finally comes through the phone. “T-Tony, I - I’m at the hospital. We - there was an accident. M-May is -”

The chill that runs through Tony’s bones might be the coldest thing he’s ever felt.

Please don’t say dead. Please don’t say dead.

Peter’s so young. Way too young to have dealt with as much loss as he always has, and way too young to have more loss added on. He’s just fifteen and he’s already more acquainted with grief than most adults are.

May can’t be dead. She’s one of the liveliest people Tony’s ever met and she would sooner look God in the face and tell him to go to hell than leave her nephew behind.

“She’s hurt, Tony. She’s - I can’t - Tony, I need you.”

Not dead. Okay.

He can work with that.

“What hospital, kid?”

It takes him twenty-five minutes to fly to the hospital Peter’s in, which is precisely twenty-five minutes too long.

He draws weird looks from just about everyone in the hospital as he hurries toward the waiting room - he had his suit fly back to the compound on its own, of course, but it’s still Tony Stark, wearing an old, worn-out AC/DC shirt and jeans and running through a local Queens hospital like his life depends on it.

In his rush to get to Peter, he hadn’t even thought to grab his hat and sunglasses. A fact he’ll come to regret later, perhaps, but couldn’t give less of a shit about now.

He finds Peter sitting in the back corner of the waiting room, Ned and MJ on either side of him with their hands clasped around his. Peter’s head rests on MJ’s shoulder, while Ned keeps glancing between Peter and the text he seems to be typing out with his one free hand. The kid’s eyes are vacant and there’s a gash on his forehead that’s covered with butterfly stitches, but he’s here.

In three long strides, Tony is standing in front of Peter. The kid’s gaze shifts slowly upward, head rising and eyes clearing just slightly when they land on him.

Peter doesn’t speak, but his shoulders visibly relax and he releases MJ’s hand to reach out for Tony. Kneeling in front of the kid’s chair, Tony takes Peter’s hand in one of his own and brushes the hair that’s sticky with sweat off Peter’s forehead with the other.

“Hey, Underoos,” Tony says softly. “You wanna tell me what happened?”

No response. Tony frowns, glances between Peter’s friends with a look that he hopes says, Explain?

Ned obliges, rubbing his thumb up and down Peter’s knuckle. “They, uh - Peter and May were in a car crash. Peter came out okay, but May is...she’s in surgery right now.”

Jesus Christ.

First his parents, then his uncle, and now this.

Apparently, that’s not all. Ned nods to Peter. “He hasn’t spoken since he called you.”

Some people shut down during highly stressful situations. He’s not surprised that Peter is one of them.

Well. Tony didn’t have any plans today. And anyway, he’d cancel a meeting with every single world leader on the planet for Peter.

An hour passes.

Peter remains silent and out of it. Tony takes MJ’s chair and holds tight to Peter’s fingers, while MJ slides down a seat and rests her hand on Peter’s knee.

People come and go through the waiting room.

The world keeps turning.

Two hours.

Still nothing from Peter or the doctors. The waiting room clock ticks on and on and on, much too loud in the quiet of the waiting room.

The world keep turning.

Five hours pass before a nurse steps into the waiting room and says, “Is there a Peter Parker in here?”

Peter jerks out of his seat, fingers slipping out of Tony and Ned’s grips. The whole rest of their group stands to join him as the nurse walks over to Peter, clipboard in his hand and a sympathetic look on his face. He does a bit of a double take when he sees Tony Stark standing next to a teenage kid in a hospital waiting room, but he recovers quickly.

“Mr. Parker, your aunt made it through surgery with no hiccups.” The nameplate on his shirt pocket says Christopher Baker and he pronounces aunt like ant. Peter’s entire demeanor brightens, but only marginally, as if he’s still afraid to hope. “However, Ms. Parker remains in a coma. The doctors are confident that she will wake up and be able to make a full recovery, but it may be a while before that happens.”

Tony lets out a sigh of relief and hears all three of the kids do the same.

She’s not dead. She’s almost definitely going to be okay.

For the first time in five hours, Peter speaks. “Can I see her?”

“Yes, but, uh - only family, for now.”

Peter’s fingers find Tony’s sleeve. “Can - can Mr. Stark come with me? Please?”

“Um…”

Tony shoots the nurse a look - not the do it because I’m Tony fucking Stark look. More of a come on, man, cut the kid a break look. “I know it’s not protocol because we’re not related by - by blood or adoption or whatever. But May’s family to both of us, alright? And the kid’s fifteen, don’t make him see his comatose aunt alone.”

A moment of hesitation, then a nod.

Tony follows Peter out of the waiting room.

“I feel like it’s my fault.”

Tony looks at him, brow furrowed. Peter doesn’t turn, eyes fixed on his aunt, and doesn’t elaborate either.

May is hooked up to fewer wires and machines than Tony had expected. There’s just an IV line running from her left arm and a heart rate monitor beeping in the corner of the room. Her right leg is in a cast and there’s bandages wrapped around her left wrist, but the hardest thing to look at is her face. Cuts and scrapes and bruises criss-cross along her skin, one of her eyes is completely swollen shut, and her cheeks are missing their usual rosy glow.

All in all, she looks terrible.

God, Tony hates hospitals.

He hates that Peter has to see the only blood-family he has left like this.

Peter has May’s good hand clasped gently in his. His face is carefully blank, almost like he’s deliberately trying not to show any emotion.

Trying not to cry, Tony’s sure.

He almost wishes Peter would cry, at least it’d be less disturbing than this. But on the other hand, Tony’s never exactly thought his comforting skills were up to par.

“How would it be your fault, Pete?” he asks, even though he knows the real answer is that it wouldn’t. There’s literally no way it could be Peter’s fault, but if this is something the kid needs to say, then fine.

“I should’ve -” Peter sniffs, blinking quickly in what’s definitely an attempt to hold back tears. The kid’s practically as emotionally constipated as Tony, it’s terrifying. “I should’ve stopped it. I - I knew the car was coming, I felt it -”

For a second, Tony’s confusion grows, until he remembers. Spider-sense. Right.

“I could’ve warned May, if I’d just - if I’d just been a little faster -”

Yeah, no. Nope, nope, definitely not. He’s not letting Peter beat himself up for a car crash where he wasn’t even fucking driving.

Even if he had been driving, it still wouldn’t be his damn fault. Accidents happen. They’re no one’s fault, or else they wouldn’t be called accidents.

“Kid.” Tony places a hand on Peter’s shoulder. The kid’s head turns and Tony can see his eyes glistening. In the softest voice Tony can possibly muster, he says, “Pete, it’s not your fault. You had, what, a two second warning? You can’t blame yourself for not reacting at the fucking speed of light.”

A tear slips down Peter’s cheek. Tony keeps going.

“And besides, what would’ve happened if you had said something? Your aunt would’ve freaked, jerked the steering wheel, probably crashed into another car. Possibly caused an even worse accident.”

He squeezes Peter’s shoulder. “You did nothing wrong, kiddo. And May’ll tell you the same thing when she wakes up. Because she will wake up. Your aunt’s way too badass to go out this early.”

Peter snorts out something between a laugh and a sob. Tony wants nothing more than to pull the kid into a hug, but he refrains. Waits for Peter to initiate, if he’s going to.

He does. Peter pitches forward in his chair - he would’ve fallen in Tony wasn’t as prepared to catch him as he was - and buries his face in Tony’s shoulder. Muffled by both fabric and his tears, Peter says, “You’re right. May would never let one stupid car be the end of her, anyway.”

Wrapping his arms around Peter, Tony smiles into his hair. “Your aunt’s way too powerful for a damn car, Pete.”

This gets a real laugh.

Which turns into sobbing. Harsh, shaky, broken-hearted sobbing.

So Tony holds him. In the middle of a hospital room, with the beeping of a heart monitor in the background, Tony holds him and lets him cry.

Peter stays at the compound while May is in the hospital.

May wakes up five days later and almost immediately proceeds to tell Peter exactly what Tony told him, while Tony grins at the two of them from the doorway.

When he says I told you so, Peter wordlessly flips him off, making him laugh so hard he spills drops of his coffee all over the tiled floor.

And yeah. Everything he said to the nurse that first day was true.

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gfn-sam-evans · 6 years

Text

Texts || Fabrevans

Taggings: Sam Evans & Quinn Fabray When: Thursday to Saturday Notes: Getting to know each other! <3

Quinn: Please do! And once you've got it, we'll talk about a vlog. Quinn: Oh geez. That's such an unflattering picture!! Quinn: Honestly, I started getting bored. Everyone was so busy with each other, I figured I'd get home to Jude. He gives me all the attention I want. Sam: Aye, aye! It shouldn’t be too far from now. I’ve talked to Blaine about singing there. Sam: It’s not! I think it’s cute. Sam: I didn’t realize you were bored.

Quinn: Oh that'll be a great show then. I'm sure other people will show up to join in. Quinn: oh but it really is. I could always send you a better one. A way cuter one. Quinn: I mean it was fun at first but then idk...i was ready to leave. I felt slightly odd ball out

Sam: I hope. Sam: Business is good but it’s not booming and I don’t want to hit a bad stretch of months. That freaks me out. Sam: I won’t say no to that. Sam: I didn’t realize how fast the night turned until that truth or dare game happened. Sam: I hope I didn’t make you feel awkward

Quinn: I understand. I can see why you'd freak out. Your business is your baby. You want it to do well. Quinn: Well hopefully we can get you some publicity and get more people to come in :) Quinn: Hmmm, now i gotta pick a good one. GIve me a sec. Quinn: I think everyone was just tipsy, and horny apparently lol Quinn: oh no no. You didn't make me feel awkward at all. I won't lie, it wasn't a bad sight

Sam: It really is. I never thought I’d have my own store. I still pinch myself about it. Sam: Yeah. Even my date and I got carried away but I reeled it in. Sam: It was fun to do that. Not something I wanted a group of people I know to see but I couldn’t back down.

Quinn: Was it something you always wanted to do? Or did little Sammy have other aspirations? Quinn: Oh I saw that. Although, I think she would have been okay if you hadn't. Quinn: Hey sometimes alcohol makes us do the wildest things. As long as you had fun with it, that's all that matters

Sam: Little Sammy wanted to play football but when that didn’t look like it was happening he changed things. Sam: You saw us making out? Sam: I did but when people started taking their shirts off I didn’t know if it was about to turn into a sex party.

Quinn: So I take it you were a football player in high school? Woulda been just my type. Quinn: Oh I thought you meant the lap dance. No. I didn't see you make out. I'm assuming this happened after I left. Quinn: Yeah it was getting wild. And while I'm not afraid of wild, I had had enough for one night

Sam: You’re into jocks? I still play but only when I’ve got time. Sam: Yeah. That’s why I was confused. I took her home and then left after she fell asleep. It was a fun date but I don’t like being that guy who hooks up with someone right off the bat. Sam: Kissing is fine though. Sam: You’re not? What’s the wildest thing you’ve done?

Quinn: Well I mean I was in HS. I was head cheerleader after all. But I was super into the artistic types too. Quinn: Ahh gotcha. Sorry for the confusion. But that's very gentlemanly of you. Quinn: I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing on the first date. Especially if you've had a good time... or you're super into/attracted to them. Quinn: Wildest? Ummm... climb up to the roof of a house and jump into a pool, half naked? I mean granted I was drunk so that could have been super dangerous.

Sam: I try to draw but I’m not the best. I can do macaroni art and make actual masterpieces with it. I can show you if you ever want to see it. Sam: Quinn! That’s insane! Even I wouldn’t do something like that.

Quinn: Wait seriously?? I have to see this. Ive never heard of someone who makes macaroni masterpieces. I'm intrigued. Quinn: Yeah... not one of my proudest moments. I won't lie... I did a lot of stupid stuff the first two years after HS...

Sam: They’re good. What I lack in drawing I’ve picked up with macaroni. Sam: Why after high school?

Quinn: That's impressive. You're full of surprises Sam Evans Quinn: Well pretty much my whole childhood and high school career I had an image to uphold. For the sake of my mother basically. I got tired of it. So when I graduated, I wanted to live my own life. I uhh... I partied a lot. I was super social. But along with all of that, I hung out with the wrong crowd, did things I shouldn't have.... Just lost control of my life basically. Quinn: wow I'm sorry, we barely know each other and I'm unloading all this heavy stuff on you. I'm so sorry.

Sam: I like you shared that with me. I did a lot of stupid things in college. Not to live a deprived life but because I hung out with a lot of frat guys. They wanted me to pledge but I didn’t want to go through the whole Greek thing.

Quinn: Are you sure? That's alot of information I'm sure you didn't want to know. Quinn: But yeah.. I didn't even bother with sororities. But I knew where all the parties were. Living in LA, there's always a party somewhere

Sam: We’ve all been through stuff, Quinn. It’s s lot but it’s still things that help me get to know you better. Sam: I spent my freshman year drunk most of the time. I had fun and met a lot of cool people. Did crazy things kinda kind what happened at that party.

Quinn: I don't tell people these things. Even some of my closest friends here in Nashville know about this part of me. About my past. Quinn: Yeah sounds like me. I didn't even finish though. I uh... kinda got kicked out because I missed too many classes. Quinn: I'm uh... really not proud of that.

Sam: I used to dance for money. Sam: Only sharing that because you said you told me something real personal. But I get doing things you’re not proud of.

Quinn: Sam you didn't have to do that. Just because I'm basically word vomiting right now doesn't mean you have to too. Quinn: But now I know why you're so good at it.

Sam: That was me drunk. William sent me the video and I could tell I lost my touch. I needed money to send home and that was a quick way without dropping out of college. Sam: Just don’t tell anyone. Okay?

Quinn: I've always heard it was a good way to make some serious chunk of change. Quinn: Your secret is safe with me. I promise. I wouldn't tell a soul.

Sam: It is. I made a crap load. It was insane because I’ve worked all types of jobs but that one was a last resort job and it paid the best. You lose a little of yourself and I had to go slow with giving my parents the money because they thought I was delivering pizzas.

Quinn: oh wow. So like on average how much were you making a night? If you don’t mind me asking. I won’t lie but I kinda wish there wasn’t a stigma about the adult business. They’re just trying to make a living like everyone else.

Sam: it depended on the night and how busy it was. The most I made in one night was $300. Sometimes you get requested by clients. I was one of the favorites there which seemed weird but it was extra money. I did it for a few months.

Quinn: Wow. That's nice. The money I mean, not being favored by people. I'm glad you found what you actually wanted to do though. Although some lucky lady is gonna be able to see your experienced moves.

Sam: it’s nice but it messes with your head. I didn’t really want to date for awhile and didn’t exactly like to be touched. Sam: Technically many lucky people have.

Quinn: Oh wow. I never even thought about it messing with someone. I'm sorry. Here I am praising you for it and when in reality... it sounds like it's something you didn't really want to do. Quinn: Well true but it's not the same like in the intimacy of the bedroom. That's what I meant.

Sam: It’s cool, Q. You didn’t know and it wasn’t all bad. I met interesting people and got to take part in shows. It felt like being in theater with some of the acting we did. Just when I thought about what it was in the end. That’s what gets me. Sam: Oh. Uh, yeah. That...I haven’t heard any complaints when it comes to that.

Quinn: Okay then, let's just say you were in Magic Mike... the musical? lol idk Quinn: Well from seeing your moves the other day, I didn't think you had

Quinn: I had a good time yesterday btw

Sam: I did too! Sorry I didn’t realize I had pasta sauce on the side of my face.Sam: Magic Mike would make an interesting choice for one.

Quinn: It's alright. It happens to the best of us. It was cute seeing you slightly blush. Quinn: actually i think it's actually a thing...

#texts: quinn

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