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oreosmilkshakes · 2 years

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Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Summary: Relive your last moments with Stephen Pairing: Supreme!Stephen Strange x fem!Reader

Word Count: 3,496

Warnings: (Slight, I think) Spoilers for DSMoM! Sadness, Angst, no happy ending

A/N: Well, whew. This was another ride to write. Hope y'all enjoy! Comments/feedback well appreciated! (also, I had this idea listening to Vegas (I wanna ride) and not the song title-) Tho I kinda feel like the ending was rushed?? Idk ;-;

Taglist: NIL

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(Gif credited to TikTok user: @ randomlangme)

Only love can hurt like this

[Name] sobbed into her pillow, the feeling of a broken heart plagued her chest. Her never-ending tears stained her cheeks as she cried every single day and night. What did she do to deserve this? All of this? All she felt was pain, misery and sadness every day. Even forcing herself to eat just to keep her and her baby alive. She tried telling herself to be strong everyday but nothing worse. Not even the words of Charles Xavier could save her from this torment.

She felt the ground shake and she knew exactly who was causing the problem. Her husband and resident Sorcerer Supreme, Doctor Stephen Strange. There was a war between Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and Thanos’s army. Even if the battle was far away, she could hear the aftermath of the fight. Everyone could.

[Name] gave one final sob into her pillow before wiping her tears with a handkerchief that once belonged to Stephen. The beeping of the heart monitor was the only thing that was capable of calming her. An irony, right?

The door swung open and Christine stepped in. She wore a soft but sad smile upon seeing the visible tears decorating prettily on [Name]’s cheeks. In her hand was a pad.

“How are you doing, [Name]?” Her voice soft, careful to not cause any agitation to the pregnant woman.

[Name] sniffled, dapping her cheeks. She forced a sad smile and it broke Christine’s heart.

“I’m alright, Chris..Tired but alright,”

Christine obviously didn’t believe her. How could see when the cause of all her misery was her former lover. She set her pad down on the table, moving over to take [Name]’s hand. She took it and the grip was enough to tell Christine that nothing about her friend was ‘alright’. The doctor stayed still as the soon-to-be mother sought comfort in her touch.

“Doctor Palmer to ward 23,” Came a voice over the PA and [Name] let go of Christine’s hand. It broke her even more.

“I’m sorry, [Name]..I have to go,”

She smiled, shaking her head.

“You’re needed, Christine. Go, I’ll be alright,”

Christine pursed her lips in a thin line, fetching her pad from the table and nodded.

“I’ll be back,” She turned, leaving [Name] alone once more.

[Name]’s eyes fluttered close as a wave of exhaustion took over her body. As she fell asleep, she found herself reminiscing about the good times she had spent with Stephen. Before it all went down.

[Name] met Stephen Strange seven years ago when she was a trainee nurse at the hospital he worked at. Occasionally, she was paired up with Stephen to watch as he did procedures, watching and learning his technique and style. Eventually, her feelings for the Doctor grew past trainer-trainee and the explosive happiness she felt when Stephen reciprocated the feeling was something she could not forget. Shortly after that, Stephen had brought her out for dinner and a calming walk in the park.

Even after his accident, [Name] stayed with Stephen. He pushed her away, yes but she was not going to give up on him just as he had given up on himself. She watched him meet this supposed being called The Ancient One. He trained himself, fought hard to become the man he wanted to be- a Sorcerer to protect the world and existing realms.

Stephen proposed to [Name] atop the Empire State, where it overlooked the gorgeous city they called home. Of course, she said yes. She loved Stephen and Stephen loved her very much. Their wedding was a small one with close friends and family invited, Wong and members of the Illuminati too.

Since then, [Name] couldn't stop staring at her wedding ring.

"Vibranium. I had to call T'Challa in for a favour," Stephen said, taking her hand in his. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to her hand.

“It’s beautiful, Stephen. I can’t stop staring at it,” [Name] giggled, moving her hands to cup Stephen’s smooth jaw. Her thumb gently caress his cheek. His hands found her hips, pulling her as close as he impossibly could.

“I love you so much,”

“I love you too, in this universe and every,”

Their next step in their journey was their honeymoon. Stephen had planned everything out much to [Name]’s delight. Of course he was worried about leaving Manhattan unprotected but Charles was there to assure him. “The world can live one month without the Sorcerer Supreme, Stephen. Go spend some time with your wife,” Charles said and that was enough for Stephen

Whatever problem [Name] in her life seemingly had disappeared during their honeymoon and Stephen never stopped pampering her, even spending each night in the throes of pleasure. She was finally feeling all of Stephen, mind, soul and body and that made her fall for him even more.

She found herself to be sick on the fourth and last week of their honeymoon and Stephen knew it was good news. She did at least seven tests and when the last one finalised her pregnancy, the couple shared a tight hug with tears in their eyes.

All was going well. [Name] had finally found the man she loved and her life was the best she ever had.

Until Stephen started having nightmares shortly after their return from their honeymoon. He would wake up screaming and covered in cold sweat, going on and on about a Mad Titan who was coming to invade the world.

“It’s just a nightmare, Stephen. Go back to sleep,”

“No, no, no, you don’t understand, [Name]! It’s real. He’s coming!” Stephen ran a hand through his hair, bare chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

“Who’s coming, Stephen?”

Stephen turned to her, looking right at her dead in the eyes and with an expression she has never seen before.

“Thanos,”

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Stephen’s well being deteriorated every single day. He was becoming mad and driven to find ways to stop his supposed nightmare from happening. He spent sleepless nights for months going through books within the Sanctorum.

He grew further from [Name], pushing her away as if she didn’t exist to him.

As months passed, her belly was growing bigger and by the fifth month of her pregnancy, she had had enough.

“Stephen!” She screamed, her voice travelled through the vast halls of the Sanctorum. It was quiet, almost too quiet. She swallowed, a hand on her belly and another on the railing as she made her way up the flight of stairs.

“Stephen!” She screamed out again and once again, silence responded.

[Name] made her way to an intersection within the Sanctorum, bright red light emitted through the door from the room at the end of the hall. She felt a trickle of sweat on her temple and wiped it off, creeping towards it.

“Stephen? Baby? Come on..,” She licked her lips, touching the door. She felt a soft heat coming from the door. Her hand moved down to the knob, opening it slowly. It creaked quietly and as the scene revealed before her, she felt her heart break.

Stephen was afloat, red orbs with strings looking akin to veins surrounded her husband. Before him was a book, one she has never seen before but she recognised the corrupted magic. [Name] covered her mouth, tears pricked her eyes as she watched her husband succumb himself to such darkness.

Stephen opened his eyes, to find his wife in horror staring at him. He waved his hand, the magic disappearing and he brought himself back down on his two feet.

“Honey..Hey..come here..,” He held his arms out.

[Name] was frozen.

“S-Stephen..are you using…Chaos Magic? Stephen, please..stop this. Stop all of this! It’s just a nightmare, Stephen! Everyday, I don’t see you! Everynight, the bed is cold! All you do is..is..,” Her voice cracked, a hand moved to her belly again as her legs gave way. She was just so tired of everything.

“[Name]!” Stephen ran to her, dropping to his knees and held his crying wife.

“Oh, baby..Shh..Shh..,” He had his arms tightly around her, bringing her head to his chest as she cried.

[Name] felt her husband on her again and she couldn’t help but melt into his touch, gripping Stephen’s blue robes tightly as she sobbed. She pulled away first, wiping her tears with the back of her sleeves. Her hands cupped his cheeks, the same way she would always do.

“Stephen..please..stop all this..Please, I’m begging you..I need you, Stephen. I need you..Our baby needs you..Stop doing this magic, Stephen..The consequences..God, I can’t even think about it,” She sobbed out. Stephen swallowed, holding his gaze into [Name]’s brown eyes. He was doing all of this for her. To save her from this impending doom. He wanted what’s best for his wife and their baby and he would do anything to get it.

Stephen’s lips spread into a small smile, leaning in to rest his forehead against [Name]’s.

“I’ll do it..I’ll stop for you..I love you so much, in this universe and every,”

“I love you too,”

The couple shared a deep kiss, one filled with so much love yet sadness and pain lingered.

Must have been a deadly kiss

Humans are natural born liars and [Name] knew Stephen wouldn’t be able to keep true to his words. Sure, sweet kisses were shared and he was finally being the husband he was supposed to be five months ago but the longer he kept this up, the more lies she saw.

“I’m going for a walk, [Name]. Be right back!”

“There’s an emergency and the others need me. I’m sorry, I love you,” became very common excuses for the next three months. [Name] was surprised no one questioned Stephen’s usage of gloves when he has never worn them. Eventually, she has had enough. [Name] told the truth to the members of the Illuminati, Mordo included and Mordo confirmed her words, claiming there was a drastic shift in Stephen in general. He had to be stopped. He was becoming a slave to the Darkhold.

So, when they went to confront Stephen in the Sanctorum, he felt betrayed knowing his wife was the one who confided in his own team. But he loved her too much to feel completely betrayed. A part of him thought it was a good idea she did it but his darker part objected.

Christine kept [Name] safe with the Ultron bots as her guards. They didn’t hear word from Professor X for hours and [Name] had to see for herself.

Imagine the horror she felt upon returning home. Black Bolt, Richard, Maria, Peggy and Charles were all incapacitated and Stephen was no where to be found. Karl Mordo was the first to recover, a hand to his hurting abdomen. [Name] felt tears flow as she approached Karl.

“What happened?”

He coughed.

“He’s succumbed to the book, [Name]. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,”

[Name] heard several heavy footsteps approaching, Christine and the bots had arrived on time to assist with the members of the Illuminati.

“Where is he? Karl, where is he?”

Mordo straightened up, a gentle hand on [Name]’s shoulder.

“I don’t know, I’m sor-,”

The ground shook violently and almost sent [Name] tumbling to the floor.

Charles and the others slowly came to be, all seemingly unharmed.

“Charles? Are you okay?” [Name] rushed over to the professor, a hand on his chair as she examined the cut on his forehead. He raised a hand up, shaking his head slightly.

“I’m alright, dear. He is more powerful that I had expected,”

“Where is he, Charles? Please, I need to know where-,”

Another violent shake, [Name] braced herself on Charles’s chair.

“What's going on?” Peggy asked and Christine was furiously scrolling through her pad.

“It’s as we feared. Remember our theory about Incursions? I think it’s not just a theory. It’s very much true and it’s happening,”

[Name] was confused, turning to Christine.

“What’s an Incursion?”

Mordo stepped forward, healing himself with a simple wave of his hand.

“An Incursion is when two realities are in a collision race. Stephen has been using the Darkhold for so long, using them to Dreamwalk between realities. He told you about the Mad Titan Thanos’ arrival, yes? It’s all true, [Name]. Strange used the Darkhold to Dreamwalk through multiple realities just to see if there was a possible way to kill Thanos. It’s only a matter of time until he arrives with his army,”

It was a lot to take in. [Name] was approaching her ninth month. She stumbled forward, Peggy caught her just in time. Her breathing was shortening, head growing more and more dizzy the more she forced herself to stay awake. She passed out in Peggy’s arms.

She couldn’t process everything. The world was at war, along with the Incursion happening. She felt so sick and shaken to the core.

It was never supposed to be this way.

Their love was never supposed to be this way.

But it’s the sweetest pain

Burning hot through my veins

Love is torture

Makes me more sure

[Name]’s eyes fluttered open, back to her painful reality. She held her abdomen, squeezing her eyes shut at the sharp pain. Water ran down her legs and she knew it was time.

She screamed in pain as another wave of pain washed over her. Nurses ran into her room, doing immediate checks on the woman.

Christine ran in shortly after.

“It’s time, Doctor Palmer,”

“Alright, people. Let’s prep the room!”

[Name] screamed again. It hurts everywhere. She wished Stephen was here for her, to be there for her while she brought their beautiful baby into this messed up world.

It felt like forever but when the wailings of a baby filled the room, [Name] felt more tears running down her cheeks, both of happiness and of sorrow. The doctor held up her crying baby, giving her a good clean before wrapping her up with a soft, white blanket. [Name] sniffled, reaching out for her baby and when she felt her little girl in her arms, more and more tears flowed. She looked up, Christine’s eyes were glossy as well.

“What’s her name?” Christine asked.

“Stefanie…Stefanie Faye Strange,” [Name] smiled, leaning down to plant a kiss on Stefanie's head. Her mind drifted to a distant memory.

“If we had a boy, we would name him after you. Vincent Alexander Strange. If we had a girl, Stefanie Faye Strange,”

Stephan laughed, leaning in. His lips brushed [Name]’s forehead in a light kiss.

“I like it. Anything for my dear, pregnant wife,”

She gave him a playful shove on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her torso, resting his forehead on her head as they watched the distant sun set from the roof of the Santorum.

Hours turned to days and days turned into a month and [Name] felt happiness with Stefanie. She reminded her so much of Stephan. From her eyes to her nose, everything.

The war was over.. The Incursion had killed billions now and it took a lot of strength and power to just bring it to a stop. When it did, trillions had died and their deaths were on Stephan’s shoulders.

Christine burst into [Name]’s room, panting.

“It’s over..It’s over,”

[Name] gasped, eyes wide as she felt hope. Hope in which she could see Stephen again.

“I want to see him,”

Christine frowned.

“[Name], I’m not sure-,”

“Christine..please.. I want to see him,”

The Doctor inhaled deeply, sighing before nodding. She could not do this to her friend.

After all, it would be the last time she would see Stephen.

Christine had brought Karl in as fast as she could..

[Name] held Stefanie in her arms, the baby was soundly asleep. She turned to Karl, swallowing.

“[Name], I strongly go against your decision-,”

Christine gave him a look and he closed his mouth. He sighed heavily, swallowing. With both hands raised in, he moved a hand in a circular motion to open a portal.

As it widened, [Name] could see the aftermath of everything. Bodies of alien beings strewn around, lifeless along with heroes that had died in the middle of battle. She stepped through, looking back to see Karl and Christine with saddened looks on their faces.

Why were they sad? [Name] didn’t understand why. The war had stopped, the Incursion had stopped and Stephen was hopefully out of the Book’s hold. Shouldn’t it be a happy occasion despite their losses?

[Name] turned ahead, seeing four figures and Charles in the distance. There was a figure on his knees and she knew who it was.

[Name] gasped, tears pooled in the corner of her eyes again as she rushed over to the group.

“Stephen!” She yelled.

Four heads turned in her direction and Stephen was staring at her.

“[Name]..[Name]!” He stood, running towards her. Maria stepped forward to try and stop Stephen but was stopped by Charles.

Stephen stopped short of her, his expression broken and face bloodied. That’s when he noticed a little wrapped bundle in her arms. His eyes heated up, tears flowed as he fell to his knees. [Name] kneeled in front of him, careful of little Stefanie as she pulled Stephen in for a hug. She cried on his shoulder and so did he, pain and sorrow released as they cried together.

When Stephen pulled away, his shaking hands gently cradled Stefanie’s head.

“I’m sorry..I’m so, so sorry..I cannot take back what I did, [Name]. I’m so, so sorry,” Stephen’s voice cracked as he looked back up, capturing [Name]’s lips in a deep kiss. She returned in and it felt like home once again.

“Meet our baby girl, Stephen. Meet Stefanie Faye Strange,”

[Name] tilted her arms slightly, showing the baby to her husband and she heard him audibly gasp.

“She looks so much like you, Stephen..I-I..God, I miss you so much,”

Stephen cracked a small smile.

“I miss you too, honey. So, so much,”

Stefanie wriggled lightly, opening her eyes to reveal the exact same blue as his own. He felt his heart crack as the baby studied her father.

“Stefanie, say hi to daddy,” [Name] cooed softly. Stephen brought a black finger to the baby, she grabbed it almost immediately. He let out a soft sob, leaning into plant a soft kiss to Stefanie’s forehead.

“I love you two so much.. What I did, I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to save you, to save our baby from danger. I went too far and the deaths of many rest on my shoulders. I have to pay the price, baby,” Stephen swallowed the lump in his throat. [Name] shook her head.

“You’ve already paid it. Just come home to me, to Stefanie. Please.. I can’t live without you. Stephen, please..,” [Name] pleaded, cupping Stephen’s cheek with a hand. He leaned into it, turning his head to kiss her palm.

“I love you so much. I love you and Stefanie so much. I love you and Stefanie in this universe and every..I’m sorry,”

Stephen pulled away, standing up. She stood as well, a hand held her elbow.

“Take care of her, Mordo. Watch over her and Stefanie. Please, old friend?”

Karl pursed his lips, nodding slowly as he too was filled with sadness.

“Take her back..She doesn’t need to see this,” Stephen smiled, taking [Name]’s hand in his.

“Wait, wait, no. Where are you- What are you going to do to him? No! Wait! Wait!!” [Name] wailed. Stefanie sensed her mother’s distress and cried aloud as Karl slowly tugged her struggling form back. Stephen slowly let go of her hand, turning away and returning to the group.

He kneeled down before the five, breath shaking and heart heavy as the sound of his wife and baby’s wailing slowly disappeared. Everyone sympathised with the family but Stephen had to pay. Even if it meant killing him so no one would know what he had done.

“I shall miss you, old friend,” Charles spoke with a heavy heart. He didn’t want to do any of this. None of them did.

Stephen lifted his head to see his wife trying to get away from Karl as Christine held his baby. She dropped to her knees just short of the portal, screaming for Stephen’s name and begging for him.

Stephen squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.

This was it.

This was the end.

“I’m ready,”

The last thing [Name] saw just before the portal closed was Blackagar’s soundwave striking her husband and she felt so very numb, endless tears flowed till no end.

Her heart could never be mended.

Tears will always fall.

For she will never see her husband ever again.

Only love can hurt like this

#doctor strange #doctor strange x reader #doctor strange one shot #doctor strange imagine #doctor strange x you #Stephen strange #Stephen strange x reader #Stephen strange one shot #Stephen strange imagine #Stephen strange x you #marvel x reader #supreme!strange x reader #benedict cumberbatch

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not-poignant · 1 year

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Hi Pia

I'm curious, do you enjoy reading fics with trauma recovery as much as you enjoy writing them?

And is there anything you enjoy writing but hate/dislike reading? And vice versa?

Hi anon!

I do enjoy reading fics with trauma recovery! It's mostly what I read when I'm looking for something longer, however, I don't like trauma recovery just because it's trauma recovery? It needs other stuff too. A lot of folks assumed I'd like the Steve/Bucky Marvel pairing because Bucky has PTSD, but I actually can't stand that pairing (though I like both characters) and don't care as much about those specific narratives of PTSD (interpersonal trauma recovery interests me more than military or natural disaster trauma recovery, for example).

I don't know if I enjoy reading fics with trauma recovery as much as I enjoy writing it. In fact I'd say that's not true anymore because I've read very few fics with trauma recovery since I started writing Falling Falling Stars and I kind of realised I could write exactly what I wanted. Ever since then, reading the fanfiction of other folks doing trauma recovery is a harder sell to me personally, though I still do look for hurt/comfort etc.

I do still reread old fics I love, and old novels with trauma recovery / hurt/comfort that I love. But I don't... reread that content as much as I write that content, so if we're talking about 'time spent reading trauma recovery' vs. 'time spent writing/editing trauma recovery' alone, then I would definitely like writing it more.

Most of the original novels I've recced here and on Goodreads, particularly in romance but not always, generally have trauma recovery as a centralised theme or major part of the story.

As for stuff I like writing but hate/dislike reading:

Horror and supernatural horror (can't watch it, don't love reading it, really enjoy writing it)

Stories that are too long (lol)

Probably other stuff I'm forgetting.

And for stuff I don't like writing but really like reading:

Like, too much to list! I don't like writing nonfiction novels but I read a ton of nonfiction novels, lol. I don't really like writing high literature but I still read it. I don't like writing plays for the stage but I'll read 'em.

I mean isn't this true of most writers? Most of what we haven't written and/or don't enjoy writing is often what we're still going to really love, because we can't do everything. Idk, I have no interest in writing The Great British Bake Off, but I really like watching it. I have no interest in writing police procedurals but I love watching them.

Specifically in terms of romance fic, I'm not sure. Probably areas where I'm extremely concerned about the level of work involved in making a slightly accurate fanfiction - like getting terminology, customs and costumes right in certain fandoms like say, Natsume's Book of Friends or Mo Dao Zu Shi, and the actual process of writing seems extremely intimidating but I like reading (or have liked reading) stories in those fandom/s where other people are willing to do that work. I've definitely been thinking about researching this a bit more with an intention to writing fic going forward though.

I can be a really lazy writer, but I'm also a writer who can really appreciate when another writer has done the hard yards in areas of fandom where I want to read, but writing fills me with :/ feelings. Like, I really respect when you can see an author's care and research, but it's not weighing down the page and I don't feel like I'm getting a lecture that feels like a Wiki page that's been condensed down. Some of my favourite fandoms for like weird random niche knowledge included Dragon Age: Inquisition, and that was a fandom where I ended up doing a ton of research myself (i.e. what did horses eat 200 years ago, how did you prepare and store their food).

In terms of genre, there's not a ton of difference honestly. I don't love writing or reading gen. I don't love writing or reading fluff in the absence of hurt/comfort. I don't love writing or reading hurt-no-comfort. Maybe the biggest one is that on the very rare occasion I'll read a heterosexual PWP that has a kink I'm really looking for, but I don't intend to ever write het again.

(Finally pressing post on this after forgetting I had it in my drafts for ages!)

#asks and answers #pia on writing #generally i will *sometimes* read say gen or fluff but i just don't love it #but overall in fic #my tastes in writing and reading sync up #which is one of the biggest reasons i write at all actually #because i struggle so much to find what i want to read lmao

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auntie-histamine · 4 years

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...

#tws ahead do not read on if you are not prepared #tw genital mutilation #tw patient abuse #i woke up this morning remembering I'd had some really bad dreams but couldn't remember any specifics #but now as I'm lying here in bed the biggest one is starting to come back #and jesus it was fucked up???#i had to go see a special doctor bc something was going on in the Down There region #and because it was a dream i didnt go to my beloved obgyn instead i went to someone i guess i found on the internet?#and when i got there i realized it wasnt a doctor's office building it was like an old factory or something #but i got shown into a room that looked like it had come right out of dishonored #and in comes this lady doctor who in retrospect looked like a supervillain #and she doesn't even talk to me doesnt tell me her name or anything just starts trying to go to work #and I'm like woah woah woah who the hell are you and what are you doing #and shes like i know how to fix you its a simple procedure and just starts GETTING ME PREPPED FOR SURGERY #and obviously I'm panicking and saying shit like no i dont want you to do this and no you have to tell me whats going on first #and she starts scrubbing my gooch down with some awful kind of abrasive brush to numb it or whatever while saying dont worry this will help #and idk what exactly the procedure was but i could feel it and it hurt and for some reason i remember cutting and electrodres??#and the entire time I'm telling her to stop and that it hurts and i can feel it #but she keeps telling me that I'm fine and that itll be over soon #so at some point after I'm released i realize that I'm not bound to stay and i pick myself up and scream fuck you at her as loud as i can #and storm out of the room #as im getting down the stairs the doormans phone rings qnd its her telling him to stop me #so he tried to stop me but didnt get up or anything #he was giving me the same we're trying to help line #so i screamed fuck you some more and got out #and then i guess the dream morphed into somethjng else #but my god #that's really fucked up???

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spacedikut · 4 years

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risks ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x f!reader

summary: “Hi! Do you take requests?? If you do, can I please request a Spencer x Reader (Including the BAU), where they are dating and the reader is a year or so younger than spencer, but just as smart and very loved by the team, and one day she has to save the team from an unsub and gets really hurt and after everyone is safe they are all really worried about her?? Idk if that made sense at all. Love you work!” 2898 words

a/n: do i know anything about bombs or surgery or post-op procedures? No. did i still have a lot of fun writing this? Yes . i hope you like it! this specific request has been sent to multiple fic writers which i didn’t know until i’d already written and posted BUT the good thing is every writer is different so every request will be approached differently

masterlist

“No.”

“Hotch-“

“I said, no.”

“My girlfriend is stuck in there with a psychopath, Hotch! I can’t leave her in there!”

“I know, Reid. But I need you out here, alive, rather in there, dead.”

Spencer glares, “She could be dead in there for all we know.”

Emily winces from behind Spencer. Hotch stands, hands on hips, trying to think logically despite the situation, “We can’t afford to think like that.”

“He has a bomb! He-he-“

“Reid.” Hotch says, tone authoritive to show he’s playing unit chief and not old friend Hotch, “I need your head in this. We need to profile him to figure out the best way to negotiate – we can’t do that if you keep threatening to act irrationally.”

Spencer scoffs. Derek steps forward and pulls Spencer aside to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge he’s standing on. He’s one second away from running right into that abandoned building that everyone had just evacuated, bar you, and straight into the arms of the man who now has you hostage with a bomb ready to be detonated whenever he pleases.

Hotch already tried calling and negotiating. The man scoffed, voice gruff, and rumbled, “Either I get what I want, or both me and the pretty agent are getting blown to bits.”

In hindsight, they should’ve been more prepared.

Storming the abandoned warehouse, the team expected to find the remnants of a crime scene – they profiled the warehouse was the base of operations for the unsub, a place for him to store all his supplies, and because it had made the news that the FBI were on the case, they assumed he would’ve started running the second he felt them closing in.

He didn’t. He’s ready to go down with his ship, and you’re the unfortunate one that found him. And his homemade bomb.

Derek found the bomb-making equipment. He shouted in his comm for everyone to evacuate, and Spencer realised the second he stepped outside that you were not there. And you hadn’t responded to any calls after stepping into the building.

All it took was one call from the too proud unsub for them to realise your life is in the balance and for Reid to stop thinking rationally.

Spencer should’ve gone with you. He knows you can handle yourself, you’ve saved his ass enough times, but if he’d just.. followed you instead of JJ. Maybe you’d both be in there, or, even better, out here. Alive. Safe. No hostage situation in sight.

Suddenly, several shots ring out.

The team ducks behind their SUVs, Hotch having to drag Spencer down when he doesn’t react, just in case he decides to run straight in.

“It wasn’t the bomb!” Derek calls across, their heads beginning to pop up from behind the vehicles.

Spencer breaks free from Hotch’s grip and sprints into the warehouse. Bomb be damned, there were exactly six shots fired – the exact amount you have in your revolver.

Also the exact amount he has in his revolver.

“Go! Go!” Hotch shouts. The team all charge after Spencer, separating and flowing through the hallways and doorways of the warehouse – there’s this sense of dread running through all of them. There’s something so unique to the panic you feel when someone so close to you, someone so dear, is the one in danger.

There’s a screech from the back of the warehouse. It’s filled with agony, anguish and unadulterated pain – loud enough to reach every nook and cranny of the premises.

“I need a medic!”

Spencer’s throat burns from the tormented yell that leaped from his throat when he found you. There’s so much blood, and it takes Spencer longer than it should to find where your wounds are: two shots to the stomach, one too close to your lungs for comfort.

Although, none of this is comforting. Your eyes are closed.

The unsub is dead. The team looks around the room and easily pieces everything together: you both shot at the same time. You were able to give fatal hits and Spencer refuses to let the hits you got become deadly too.

They spare little to no attention to the bomb – the bomb squad stampede in and analyse it. Their focus is you, if you’re breathing and if the blood has stopped and how weak your pulse is.

It’s too weak. Spencer chokes on a sob above your body.

“Spence, you gotta move,” Derek’s voice is gentle despite the chaos around them, two medics taking Spencer’s place when Derek pulls him away.

“She-she- I can’t-“

“I know, kid, I know. We have to let them take care of her.”

The team is frozen around you as a stretcher is brought it. You’re being given oxygen, the medics are frantically shouting all kinds of things that Spencer doesn’t register – he follows behind you, shoulders slumped and cheeks wet, scanning you from head to toe constantly to see some display of life within you.

Hotch tells him to ride with you to the hospital. He doesn’t bother sparing the team a glance – he needs to keep his eyes on you because if he doesn’t he’s terrified you’ll disappear and he’ll never see you again and never hear your voice and never get to hear you say “I love you” ever again.

He’s terrified.

+++

You’ve been in surgery for hours.

Spencer’s still covered in your blood. He sits next to Derek, who just force-fed him half a granola bar, leg bouncing while he bites his nails.

The whole team is waiting impatiently. Hotch hasn’t sat down once, JJ has been on the phone to Will and Henry several times so she doesn’t go crazy, and everyone has been taking laps around the hospital to burn off some… fear? Apprehension? Just to do something?

Penelope broke several driving laws to get here. She came in, makeup smeared all over her face and hiccupping as Derek caught her when she approached them and collapsed. It took her an hour and a half to calm down.

“Reid.”

Spencer doesn’t move.

“Reid, kid.”

Derek nudges him. He looks up, lips chapped and bitten raw, and looks at Rossi who holds his to-go bag.

“You should change.” Rossi says, a warm smile on his face as he speaks quietly.

Spencer stares at the bag, then his shirt and sweater vest. He nearly vomits – your blood is everywhere. It’s dried now, a testament to how long you’ve been on that table, and he feels himself getting choked up all over again. He wishes he could help you. He wishes this wasn’t happening.

The guilt sinks in.

If he’d stayed with you. If he’d followed you. If he’d found you a little earlier. If they’d realised who the unsub was quicker. If they’d come to the warehouse more prepared.

Maybe you’d be here. Maybe it would be him on the operating table. God, he wishes it was him.

He needs you alive. He needs you.

“C’mon, Spence,” JJ whispers. She can’t speak any louder or she’ll cry. She takes the bag from Rossi, gingerly takes Spencer’s hand and pulls him towards the toilet just a little way away.

She opens the door and holds it open for him, gesturing with her head for him to go in.

“It’ll take you five minutes. I’ll be right here.”

He sniffles and nods, a tear sliding down his cheek, and heads in.

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when they hear the lock of the door.

Spencer hasn’t moved since he got to the hospital and you were hurried away straight into surgery. Your eyes opened in the ambulance and Spencer could only cry harder – you used every last bit of strength you had to grip Spencer’s hand and passed out again.

He hasn’t spoken, either. No one can blame him. But changing clothes, cleaning your blood from his hands and forearms and it’s somehow on his neck, that’s progress. It’s about as good as they’ll get until there’s an update on you.

Spencer slumps back out of the toilet, walking clumsily towards his friends with his head facing the floor. The room is too bright, his eyes are beginning to sting from crying, and his heart is hurting because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen. All of it is giving him a headache.

You know how to help him with his headaches. You always know how to help him. You.

There’s movement from the large doors next to Spencer. A doctor comes out, looking frazzled and still in scrubs, and says, “Y/N Y/L/N?”

They all stare.

“She’s stable.”

Penelope lets out a verbal gasp and a “Thank God,”, both Emily and JJ’s heads fall in their hands in disbelief and even Hotch’s head falls back as he lets out a sigh of relief.

Derek’s hand grips Spencer’s shoulder. He’s too shocked to say anything.

“Can we see her?” Derek asks. He knows Spencer will want to see her the second he can, and he’ll spend every moment with her until she’s fully healed.

The doctor gives a pitiful grimace, “Only one at a time, unfortunately. These next twenty-four hours are vital and we don’t want to overwhelm her.”

“I have to see her.” Comes Spencer’s voice, weak and fragile as he still chews his thumb.

Hotch nods, “Of course. Spencer, you stay with her and we’ll come back later.”

He then nods towards the rest of the team and they all filter out slowly, all acknowledging Spencer in one way or another – Penelope kisses his head, Derek and Rossi give his shoulder a squeeze, JJ, Emily and Hotch tell him to text them if he needs anything.

He knows they don’t want to leave, but Spencer would fight every single one of them if any even tried to see you before he could. He needs to see you for himself. Needs to see you breathe.

“Follow me, sir,” The doctor says, “She might look a little off-putting – she had more injuries than we thought. But she’s steady and strong, so we’re confident she’ll make it through.”

She gestures towards your room. Spencer nods and gives a tight lipped smile, mumbling, “Thank you.”

When the door’s pushed open, Spencer chokes on a cry.

He remembers the only time he was shot: that one time in the leg. It wasn’t much. It was a shock to the system, but ultimately he was fine. He’s come to love the scar thanks to you - you’ve placed plenty of kisses on it for him to see it and instantly think of you and the love you bring.

Which is exactly why he can’t lose you. He loves you too much and he knows you love him and he’s never been so sure of anything or anyone in his life until you and he swears to God if you’re taken from him-

He takes a deep breath, pulling the chair towards your bed as close as possible as he moves to interlock his fingers with yours and grip tightly.

Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay.

+++

Penelope is the first to visit. She waddles in, flowers, chocolates, a card, a cuddly bear and some food for the good doctor in her arms. When she walks in she realises Spencer is knocked out in the chair next to you. She’s not surprised; she didn’t want to leave you, but Spencer needed to be with you.

She pokes him gently. And again, when he doesn’t respond.

He jumps awake, immediately going to rub his neck that is stiff after spending hours at an awkward angle.

“Morning, handsome,” Penelope smiles. She hands him the food she brought and, after sparing a glance to your sleeping form, he takes the bag and digs in.

“Thank you,” He says quietly. Penelope looks at you.

“How is she?”

“Not bad. She hasn’t gotten worse, and that’s all I can ask for.”

Penelope leans over and presses a kiss to your head, “She’s a boss. She’ll be up and at it before you know it.”

Spencer pauses in his eating and watches you, feeling nothing but love and pride, and his lower lip began to quiver. He clears his throat and looks away.

His eyes have been rubbed raw from Spencer trying to stop his tears and from trying to stay awake all night, just in case you woke up. He doesn’t remember when he fell asleep.

Derek appears then.

“Hey, you two,” He’s also carrying flowers and a cuddly bear (the team knows you so well – the way to your heart is stereotypical gifts). He gives Penelope a side hug and shoots Spencer a nod, “How you feeling, pretty boy?”

He rubs his eyes, “I’m awesome.”

Derek chuckles, “Uhuh.”

He looks at you, then, and his smile becomes tighter. Penelope grips his arm and tugs him towards her, leaning her head against his shoulder.

“You two look cosy.”

All attention is snapped to you: half lidded, voice coarse, lips dry. Spencer drops the bag of food.

“Hi, pretty,” He grins, eyes filling with tears again when he stands and leans towards you on your bed. God, what do you do to him?

His forehead rests against yours and you close your eyes in comfort. His smell fills you, all familiar and oh so welcome after whatever the hell you went through. Your whole body aches, breathing feels strange and almost unknown, and you’re acutely aware of the tubes in your nose.

Spencer pulls back suddenly, eyes jerking open, and grabs some water for you, “Here, drink.”

You do as he says, gulping it down and gulping down a second and third cup.

“I’ll get the nurse,” Penelope says, having to tear her eyes away from you because you’re awake and it fills her with so much happiness to see you okay.

After a quick visit from the nurse, you’re told you have to stay for a further few days and you pout at the thought. No one likes hospitals. No one likes being stuck in a hospital.

The whole team arrives and Derek and Penelope offer to go meet them to catch them up on everything before they come in. Everyone knows it’s really so you and Spencer have a second alone.

The second the door closes, Spencer kisses you. It’s eager and full of angst. You wish you could wrap your arms around him and pull him in tight, but everything hurts. So that’ll have to wait.

“You had me so worried,” Spencer gasps, forehead against yours and hands cupping your face, “So, so worried.”

“My apologies,” You giggle. It hurts to do it, but Spencer makes you so happy, even in a dreary hospital. “Won’t happen again.”

��It better not.” He smiles. He feels like all the tension has evaporated from his body - you’re here, you’re okay, you’re awake, you’re as perfect as ever. “You had everyone scared.”

“I have fans?”

He can’t help but roll his eyes at you. You just woke up from being shot and going through a long surgery, and you’re joking around?

He loves you so much.

Your arm slowly moves up to loosely hold his wrist. Your eyes look glassy, suddenly.

“I love you, Spence.” You breathe, “My first thought when I got shot was I’d never be able to say that to you again. I love you so, so much.”

Spencer grips your face tighter and pulls your lips back to his. There’s so much passion in the kiss; he wants to tell you he loves you every second of every day for the rest of his life, and he’s trying to show that.

Now you’re here, he can do that. Thank God he can do that.

“I love you too. So much. I’ve never been as scared as I was when I found you, I-“ He gets choked up again, “If you ever do something like that again, we will have issues I swear to God Y/N-“

“Kiss me again you idiot,” You say, all smiles.

When the whole team roll in, Spencer is perched on the very edge of your bed, hand in yours, thumb rubbing back and forth. They all smile at you, holding various gifts that get you very excited, and tell you how glad they are you’re okay.

Derek’s brows furrow, pointing at your heart monitor, “Now what happened while we were gone, cuties?”

Everyone looks towards the monitor, where your heartbeat is still high from kissing and being close to Spencer after being scared you’d never be able to again.

You and Spencer blush, “I’m just very happy to see my team.” You say, trying to suppress a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah,” Derek smirks at you both, “Just couldn’t keep your hands off eachother, huh?”

Spencer sputters, “It would be so inappropriate to do anything like that in a hospital, Morgan! Actually, hospitals…”

As Spencer rambles on, you scan the room and find yourself tearing up. You feel so cared for and loved, surrounded by the people you consider family and holding the hand of the love of your life. You’re so lucky, you realise, despite the situation that led to this, to have such amazing people so close.

You move and lean your head against Spencer’s shoulder and, mid-sentence, he presses a kiss to your forehead.

It’s an honour to be so loved by such lovely people.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds imagine #mine #god does this suck?#man i feel like it sucks

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ultraintrovertedgryffindor · 3 years

Text

I Don’t Wanna Do This Anymore - Bucky Barnes

Um, idk. All I can say is I love this man.

Warning: Suicidal and depressing thoughts throughout

~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn't that long since you'd been saved from Hydra.

A task to kill an Avenger didn't pan out to be so simple, especially when said Avenger recognized you, forcing everyone else to refrain from killing you no matter what.

It didn't take a lot of work to get you to remember Steve, he was your best friend once.

Thankfully, Hydra hadn't completely turned your brain to mush and you could quickly control yourself enough to not kill everyone you saw.

Yeah, you were saved.

But ever since, you haven't been doing well, mentally, at least.

You felt homesick, as fucked up as that was. Hydra was your home for years, and now you had to find a new normal, if that was even possible. But living in the Avenger's tower when you were rescued proved to be a bit difficult...

Everyone greeted you with a weary smile, often, obviously aware of your reputation. You found yourself annoyed, not even by the people, but how little your kill count was compared to others. Although, you were a bit more creative with your kills, that was probably it. It was hard to blame them for being scared of you, even you were scared of yourself.

Steve trying to reassure you was no help, even though you knew he meant well. There was nothing in the world that could reassure you, not when you could feel the fear and disapproval boring in the back of your skull when you walked through the halls of the busy tower. Even walking the halls at night, you felt your whole existence cringe at the thought of being someplace you knew you didn't belong.

You almost wished someone had killed you back when you were under Hydra's control. Maybe things would be easier if you had just been killed, then maybe you wouldn't feel how you felt every waking moment.

The only thing keeping you going was knowing that Bucky was alive.

Steve told you about Bucky when he thought you didn't remember anything back then, but you knew, you knew too much. You knew Steve probably wouldn't want to hear about how you remembered hearing his screams when Hydra first started their Winter Soldier experiments, about how he slowly started forgetting who you were. But, so did you.

Everything about being controlled by Hydra was agonizing, but the one thing that pained you to no end, even after regaining your memories? Being forced to forget Bucky, even if it was temporary, even if it was just for a second. That was absolute hell.

Lagos happened, causing the Sokovia Accords.

From your perspective, you weren't even an official Avenger and the government was already trying to control you. You'd been controlled enough, so the thought of signing your rights away wasn't appealing. Then again, you didn't do much anyway. And the one time you tried to help out, people died, even though it wasn't your fault.

So, you signed, immediately feeling like you had betrayed Steve.

Then the UN meeting in Vienna was bombed, and Bucky was being blamed for it. Steve thought he didn't, and frankly, neither did you. But Bucky was taken anyway.

Even with him in custody, you couldn't see him, which was a blessing and a curse.

You didn't know Bucky anymore. The feelings that you had for him back in the 40s seemed to fade away along with your mental state every time Hydra blended your brain. You still felt something for him, that much you did know, but you felt so detached from your emotions that you had no way to know what you were actually feeling anymore.

When Bucky broke out, you recognized all the signs that he was back to the Winter Soldier. He had a dead expression, not even hesitating to beat you down when you were in his way trying to stop him.

You felt guilty for not wanting to see him, even when Steve told you that he was himself again. You stayed in the building with Tony and Nat, listening in to Ross telling them they needed to capture Bucky and Steve. Of course, you had to let Steve know, ultimately choosing the side against Tony.

You might not have known him anymore, the both of you going through too much trauma to be as close as you were back then. But he was still Bucky, one of your best friends. So was Steve.

But during the fight in Germany, you kept your distance from Bucky. It might've seemed like you were afraid of him, afraid of confronting him after he hurt everyone in his path when he tried to escape.

It was sort of true, you were afraid, but not specifically because of him. You weren't afraid of getting hurt. It was a lot of things.

When Zemo used his trigger words, you felt guilty for being thankful it wasn't you he tried to use. You couldn't try to talk to your old friend when you had that thought initially. It was an awful, awful thing to think. But now, you were paying for it.

You were forced to hide out with Steve and the rest of his team that sided with him in Germany, but you never felt more alone.

You had nightmares every night, and they only seemed to get worse.

You were afraid of yourself, afraid that someone like Zemo would find you and say your trigger words, causing you to hurt the people you've come to care about. Meeting and getting to know all these people, you'd rather die than hurt them, especially Steve.

He tried to help you realize that Zemo was locked up, that nobody would be able to find you guys, but you couldn't help but feel scared, constantly looking over your shoulder. Knowing about Wanda's powers, you even went to her to see if she could do something to help you, to no avail.

You always avoided the mirrors in your room. You didn't like looking at yourself, you hated your face, you hated every part of yourself. When you looked in the mirror, all you saw was a disgusting broken creature undeserving of love. All you saw was every innocent person you've killed, your nightmares reminding you constantly of that. You didn't know how much longer you could go on being afraid of yourself.

Steve wanted to help you as much as he wanted to help Bucky, so it wasn't that much of a shock to everyone else that he wanted to send you to Wakanda.

You didn't know much about the place, you always thought it was a third world country, but your ignorance was definitely crushed when Steve told you about how technologically advanced the country actually was.

The first thing you asked was, "Will they be able to fix me?"

So you were shipped off to Wakanda, king T'Challa greeting you with a warm welcome along with his sister. The word "deprogram" came out of Shuri's mouth a lot, but you tried not to let it scare you. You knew this needed to happen.

Following Shuri to her lab that was in a more remote part of Wakanda along with a couple Dora Milaje, you found yourself looking around in search of a certain someone. You knew he was here, somewhere. You didn't know if he was "deprogramed" yet. You didn't even know if he was going to be in the building. You didn't know why you were so anxious to know if he was nearby, you'd most likely run the other way.

Shuri noticed how you twitched and squirmed nervously while getting ready to go through the first procedure, your eyebrows furrowed in worry. "Don't worry. If we can help White Wolf, we can help you."

Your brows seemed to furrow more in confusion. "White Wolf?"

"Oh, sorry. That's how we refer to Sergeant Barnes."

Huh.

"So, what it this treatment suppose to do?"

"It'll remove the response to the words Hydra used to control you."

"That's it?" You frowned slightly.

Shuri sighed, taking a seat next to you. "It's what's safest. I know what you're going through is painful, but if it'll be impossible to take away all of your emotional trauma without taking away everything about you that makes you you. Do you understand?"

Your gaze fell to the tiled floor, tears involuntarily welling up in your eyes. "At least I won't be able to hurt anyone..."

Shuri gave you a weak smile. "That's the plan. Shall we get on with it?"

You took a deep breath, and nodded.

Thankfully, any pain that might've been felt during the procedure didn't happen, as you were put under. A part of you wished you could've been wide awake, the control freak part of you wanting to know what happened, but you trusted Shuri enough to let her do her job.

You felt exhausted, but couldn't help but wonder what exactly the little genius did to you, but she stayed silent and gave you a cheeky smirk when you asked, which only frustrated you.

Shuri soon led you to where you would be stayed to recover. A small hut in an area that had a few more huts that you were able to call your own. It was a secluded place, far away from central Wakanda, the next closest village being only a mile north. So, you weren't going to be entirely alone, Shuri would often visit you to see how you were mentally, and you had to stay and meditate with a couple elders that would be staying in the vicinity.

All that was missing was one person, but Shuri already told you that it would be a couple weeks of daily check ins before you would be allowed to wander around freely, T'Challa's orders. You understood, it was good that he wouldn't take any chances. But you were stuck for now.

Before she left, Shuri gave you a box but you hadn't opened it until later that same night.

You tried not to scoff when you saw what the box held. Self help books? Give me a break...

You felt too broken for any sort of book to help you, no matter how many people would say it would actually be helpful. Perhaps you were too pessimistic, that's all you ever were these days. It had been so long, you couldn’t even remember if you were optimistic in the days before Hydra. It would be a bummer if you were like this all the time.

You thought, maybe, just maybe, if you saw Bucky again, things might be different. And finally, after a couple weeks, T’Challa gave you permission to roam about freely within the area he granted you, which happened to be the same area Bucky was in.

You wracked your brain over and over again if going to see Bucky was a good idea. Your heart wanted to badly to see him, but your brain always gave you excuses to doubt everything. What if Bucky didn’t want to see you? What if he’s afraid of you just like you’re afraid of yourself? The one thing that gave you that push was thinking another what if, what if Bucky missed you too? That what if question was something you had to find out for yourself, even if you didn’t like the answer.

You had to know.

Plus, you knew you had to face him eventually. You didn’t know it at first, but seeing him again in Germany made you feel a rush of emotions for him that you didn’t entirely understand. But now you knew, and you didn’t want to be away from him any longer.

You trekked towards him slowly, still not confident in yourself enough to actually go through with it, you wanted the chance to run away if you felt like you needed to.

You couldn’t help but lightly smile when you saw him. He helping a few little kids gather up hay for what you could only assume was for the rhinos that you saw, purposefully tossing bits and pieces of hay towards them playfully. You knew Bucky was always good with kids, you even imagined what it might be like to be a mother from time to time, but circumstances you found yourself in persuaded you to think it could never happen. But still, it was like a breath of fresh air to see Bucky still had that side to him.

You convinced yourself that you’d confront him another time, when he wasn’t busy. But it was too late for that, Bucky had seen you on the hill leading down to him. He thought about letting you go when you started to turn the other way, but he couldn’t control the sudden urge to call out to you.

“Hey.”

You froze dead in your tracks, slightly biting your lip in hesitation before you turned back to face him. You smiled weakly when you saw his slightly hopeful gaze. He stretched the corner of his mouth into a soft smirk, inviting you to meet him all the way with his eyes.

“Y/N.” He greeted, a bit nervously, when you finally made it down the grassy slope.

“Bucky.” You replied, your nerves coming across very clear in the waver in your voice. He furrowed his brows slightly. “What?”

“You never call me Bucky.”

You shrugged. “Then what should I call you?”

“You used to call me James.”

You nodded with a breathless chuckle. “That was mostly to annoy you.”

“Well, I didn’t really mind when you said it.” He smirked, but it fell when he quickly noticed your covert face of discomfort. “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, almost amused at how well Bucky was able to read you like a book after all this time. “No, it’s okay. I’m just not...used to it anymore, I guess.”

Bucky frowned. He knew what you meant. All this time not being able to have a normal conversation, one that wasn’t barking orders or advising on when would be the right time to kill whenever you two were on missions together. He understood your usual banter from before wasn’t something that you could just jump back in to. It took a while, but he eventually learned how you worked, especially when it came to talking to people.

Bucky looked over you subtly, taking in all your nervous ticks that you still had the habit of doing, ones that he always thought were adorable in their own way. He could tell you weren’t the same, both of you changed, but seeing you act in a way that you did even before Hydra, it was refreshing.

“You also used to call me doll dizzy.” Bucky smiled fondly.

You mirrored his smile, remembering how annoyed he’d get. “You were quite a ladies’ man back then. But I don’t think calling you that now would suit the time we’re in.”

“Since when have you ever followed social pressures? You’re the one who wanted to join the army right along little Steve. I was so pissed when you got assigned to our mission.”

“Ah, you were just mad that I could beat you in a fight.”

“Could you now? I have no memory of that ever happening.”

“Well, I’ve always said you have selective memory.”

“Don’t recall that either.”

“Like I said.”

Bucky smiles, chuckling. “I do remember I could beat you at an arm wrestle.”

“No way that ever happened.”

“Now who has the selective memory?” He teased. You chuckled, looking down to the ground as you placed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “You’re also wrong about me being a ladies’ man.” He said, making your raise your brow. “You were the only dame I had eyes for.”

You felt like the blood in your body went straight to your cheeks, you could probably slap an egg on your face and it would cook from how hot your face felt. Damn him, he was always good at making your blush, that was always something you missed, but you hated how scared it made you now. “Bucky...I-” You sighed, not knowing how to respond, if you should respond at all. You didn’t know how to do this, you didn’t know how he could just go back to the way things were, you didn’t know how you could keep up with him.

“I’m sorry, I keep doing that.” He huffed. “I don’t know how to talk to you anymore either, if that makes you feel any better.” He laughed sadly.

“I’ve thought about this, for a long time.” You started softly. “I knew it would be hard. I don’t...I don’t even know how to live anymore, much less have a playful banter with someone. It’s like I have two separate lives, both fighting for control and I-” Your voice wavered, stopping your spiel as you tried to fight off tears.

“Y/N...” Bucky moved closer to you, cautiously, the last thing he wanted to do was spook you.

“I don’t know how to do this...I don’t know how much longer I can do this.” You admitted tearfully.

You let Bucky envelop you in a warm hug, even with one arm he made you feel safe. “You’ll get through this. We both will. With Shuri’s help, we don’t have to hurt people anymore.” He whispered, pulling you closer. “We’ll get through this together.”

“I’ve missed you so much. I don’t want to leave you, Bucky.” You cried into his shirt, holding him close.

“You won’t have to, ever again.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Ha, I’m sad 🤙🏻

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #marvel #this is too many tags

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gameofdrarry · 3 years

Text

Wizards Hearts Recs: Tooth Rotting Fluff

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 Dial Tone by firenxe Rated: Teen and Up Words: 34699 Tags: Texting, text fic, Drarry, non-magic au, AU Summary: Harry Potter decides to text the number on his arm. Draco Malfoy finds himself woken up by messages. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Say the words / then stay around by teatrolley Rated: Not Rated Words: 5703 Tags: Established Relationship, Fluff, Not That Much Angst Really, a lot of love, and two very confused people, Auror Harry Potter, Office Romance, Ministry Work Summary: They’ve been together for a while when Harry decides that he wants to try the Auror Office again. What he doesn’t consider is the effects the work might have on the two of them. But, then again, maybe those effects don’t have to be all bad? Or: A few months of the start of the relationship between the fumbling, blind-leading-the-blind and in-love Harry and Draco. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 With A Bite and A Hiss (and Some Curry On Top) by ZandraGorin Rated: Teen and Up Words: 4779 Tags: Alternate Universe - Post-War, Parseltongue, Pets, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Injured Pets/ Animals, Kissing, Fluff, Parselmouth Harry Potter, HP Fluff Fest 2020 Summary: Draco keeps bringing animals home and keeps cooking curry for Harry. Harry is of the opinion that it has got to stop. Well, not the cooking curry part. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 the 1 by Darlinxx Rated: Teen and Up Words: 5913 Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Fluff and Humor, Awkward Romance, Domestic Fluff, Pansy attempts at matchmaking, is this meet cute? idk, Harry sucks at flirting, Draco doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings, Harry is the perfect gentleman, Draco acts like a bitch but is actually a softie, Draco wears earrings on this one, and Harry takes it in stride, if that weirds you out then you can fuck off, haha just kidding I’m not mean Summary: "You're not terrible. I mean, maybe not everyone's type, exactly, but…you're just a little –" "Insane?" Draco supplies. Harry looks at him. "Intense," he says. "That's not always a bad thing." ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Love You More by hedwig4evr Rated: Explicit Words: 37185 Tags: Love, and marriage, Sickeningly In Love, Engagement, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Sex Toys, bubble baths, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Frotting, Hand Jobs, Shower Sex, Bottoming from the Top, Switching, Top Harry Potter, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, 25 Days of Draco and Harry 2018, sex in the bath, Lots of love and sex, Early Bird prompt, lots of fluff, Tooth-achingly fluffy Summary: After years together, Harry decides to propose to Draco. Once it's revealed to their families and friends, though, they start to question whether this is what they really want. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Aggressive use of Florists by Mountainwolf Rated: General Words: 53521 Tags: Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Harry Potter Raises Teddy Lupin, Auror Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic Employee Draco Malfoy, Floriography, Snark, Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Florist Harry, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Ministry of Magic Employee Hermione Granger, Pining, Post-Hogwarts, Canon Divergence - Post-Hogwarts, Dick Jokes, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy Friendship, Oblivious Harry, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, lots of magical flowers, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, Godfather Draco Malfoy, Heartbroken Harry Potter, Soft Harry, Caring Draco Malfoy, Drama, Family Drama, A little bit of angst, Reformed Draco Malfoy Summary: Harry is being lovesick in Neville’s flowershop after having been dumped, and Draco is very aggressively winning over ministry members by sending them fuck-you flowers. Harry is absolutely no help but learns a lot about floriography, stupid purebloods, and Draco. OR; Harry struggles raising Teddy alone, longing for a partner and a family. His future dreams for domestic bliss have been crushed by his ex, who left him for a better looking, more ambitious, less 'damaged' model. A lot of people try to support Harry, but he is, as ever, hiding how truly bad things are going. Then, Hermione -and a few others, set Draco on him and things start developing in a direction neither really expected. Everyone sees how good Draco and Harry could be together, and with some political maneuvering from unexpected sources-and a lot of flower deliveries, they start to see it too. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Cracking The Code by orpheous87 Rated: General Words: 12218 Tags: Advent Calendar, Christmas Fluff, Established Relationship, Romantic Fluff, Marriage Proposal, Auror Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic Employee Draco Malfoy Summary: Harry makes an advent calendar for Draco. What we see are snippets of their mornings throughout December. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 This Summer by Saras_Girl Rated: Teen and Up Words: 39256 Tags: N/A Summary: This is a summery romantic comedy featuring my favourite ensemble cast, in which Harry is confused, Draco is Draco, and Hermione attempts to eat all the things. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Something Good (The Second Time Around) by Ravenclaw626 Rated: Explicit Words: 99382 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Harry Potter, Stay-At-Home Parent Harry Potter, Potioneer Draco Malfoy, Research, Mpreg, Mpreg Harry, Pregnant Harry, Medical Procedures, Childbirth, labor pains, Harry Potter is a Good Parent, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Non-Canonical Character Death, Homophobia, Marriage Proposal, Weddings, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Pregnant Sex, Pregnancy Kink, Unplanned Pregnancy, Single Parents, Single Parent Harry Potter, Single Parent Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Sex Toys, Rimming, natural birth Summary: After putting his youngest on the Hogwarts Express, Harry feels a little lost and without direction in life. There’s someone on the platform who notices, though, who also knows how it feels to come back to an empty home. Can this someone help Harry find his way? After years of contentment, acceptance, and ‘good enough’ — he never could have imagined that a whirlwind romance with his former childhood nemesis would become his something good after a lifetime of trials. A story about love, happiness, and second chances. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Realisations by orpheous87 Rated: Teen and Up Words: 15486 Tags: Post-Second War with Voldemort, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Fluff and Humor, Fluff, Humor, Mild Peril, Happy Ending, H/D Erised 2020, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, POV Alternating Summary: When they return to Hogwarts for their final year, the students are surprised to learn that they will take part in 'team-building' activities instead of contributing to the House Cup. Paired up by Professor McGonagall, they need to work together to complete the challenge. Of course, new friendships and relationships are built along the way. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Bloom by tsauergrass Rated: General Words: 1473 Tags: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Like you're in for a toothache, Language of Flowers, Harry Potter is an oblivious idiot Summary: Harry ruffles through the buckets of flowers in the cooler. “What are you looking for?” “Something special. It is a note.” Harry pauses. For days Draco has visited his flower shop, but not once has he ordered anything with a message. Harry Potter has fallen in love. Naturally, the only way to do so is to pine Victorian-fashion, his secret hidden behind blooming flowers. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 These Tender Moments by theartfulldodger Rated: General Words: 1380 Tags: Christmas Fluff, Fluff, SERIOUSLY ALL THE FLUFF, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Kid Fic, Sickly sweet medicine for all your despair, A warm hug, Domestic Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE Summary: A Christmas Eve filled with overindulgence, a sleeping toddler, creatively altered expressions and slow dancing in the kitchen. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 That Christmas by Janieohio Rated: Teen and Up Words: 18729 Tags: Christmas, Fluff, Romance, Family, Humor, 25 Days of Harry and Draco 2020 Early Bird, Kid Fic, POV Alternating, Implied Sexual Content, Pets, Married Life, Toddlers, Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Parenthood, Protective Siblings, Gay Pride, Referenced Death, Adoption, Surrogacy, Christmas Cookies, Precocious Child, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian, See Notes for Translation Link Summary: 25 years of Christmases in the life of Harry, Draco, and their friends and family. 25 drabbles, one year per chapter, set in my That's Life Together universe. Read on AO3

📜 Blind Hope by cami_soul Rated: Teen and Up Words: 1051 Tags: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Established Relationship, Short & Sweet, Fluff and Mush, Did I Mention Fluff Summary: Harry is working up the courage to ask Draco to move in with him. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Fill a Tent with Love (and Wrap it with a Bow) by riddleme_this Rated: General Words: 1604 Tags: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Quidditch, Setting up tent, Draco and Harry are best friends, Love Confessions, Bad Flirting, so much fluff ahh Summary: Harry is determined to confess his crush on Draco. Enter a Quidditch Match, setting up a tent, some bad flirting, and things might just actually work out. ❤️ Read on AO3

#fluff #tooth rotting fluff #drarry #drarry recs #game of drarry #wizards hearts #wh masterlist

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set-phasers-to-whump · 3 years

Text

hiding

prompt: hidden

whumpee: shawn spencer

fandom: psych

hi! sorry for being absent for 2 days and then coming back with a fic that i think might suck? idk. i have been looking at it for too long i think... maybe you will like it? idk. i hope so tho :)

Shawn has chased more than one old man down the streets of Santa Barbara. Today’s pursuit is no different to the others - or at least, it isn’t until he finally catches up with the old dude in question (who, just for the record, is the fastest seventy year old Shawn has ever encountered).

They’re in an alley, and the other end is blocked off by several feet of chain link fence. This old guy may be speedy, but he’s evidently not much of a climber. Which is good.

“Took you long enough to catch up with me,” he says, his creaky-sounding old-man voice taunting and a little demeaning.

But his statement is fair. As is evidenced by the fact that Shawn is panting hard, bent slightly at the waist with his hands on his knees as he catches his breath.

“But I did catch you,” Shawn says after a second, straightening back up. “And now I’m going to have to call the police.”

“I don’t think so.”

Shawn is about to say something dazzlingly witty in response, but all of a sudden there’s a glint of silver and then…

Then he’s just been stabbed by someone who probably eats his dinner at 4:30.

It takes him by such surprise that he doesn’t even make a noise.

And then it hurts. Hot and blinding and sharp and intense pain radiates outward from his stomach and the knife is pulled out and it hurts even more and he feels his body collapse but doesn’t register hitting the ground. There are stars in his vision and everything is blurry and the world sounds like he’s underwater and it hurts and hurts and hurts and he looks upwards as the old man casually wipes Shawn’s blood from the knife with the sleeve of his dark jacket. He idly passes the knife from hand to hand and Shawn watches him and he really wants to just get up and punch him and he staggers to his feet amidst a haze of bright red pain and then there’s a familiar voice from behind him saying, “drop your weapon,” and Lassiter has found them, somehow. He’s never been more grateful to hear the man’s voice in his life.

“How did you find me?” he asks, before he can stop himself. He knows what he should probably be saying is, hey, I just got stabbed and maybe we should be doing something about that, but then Lassie’s explaining how he’d tracked Shawn down and he’s asking what exactly Shawn had been thinking going after a suspect alone, and then Shawn just kind of…doesn’t bring it up.

It’s not like he doesn’t try to. But Lassie is more interested in lecturing him about proper police procedure (which Shawn is familiar with - he simply chooses to disregard it).

“Lassie, um, I -” I got stabbed and it hurts really bad and could we maybe go to the hospital, please?

“I don’t wanna hear it, Spencer.”

“But -”

“If you don’t shut up right now, I swear I’ll pull over and make you walk. That man had a knife, and you chased after him because, what? You couldn’t…”

Lassie keeps lecturing him about why this was such a stupid idea (which, Shawn admits, it was). Shawn sighs to himself as the lecture goes on and on, which is a bad move, because it jostles his stab wound, and it takes all of his willpower to not just scream at the flare of white hot pain. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe normally but everything hurts and the whole front of his shirt is wet and sticking to his skin and he wonders vaguely whether he’s bleeding on Lassie’s seat, and hopes fervently that he’s not, because Lassiter will never forgive him if he ruins his upholstery.

After what feels like an eternity of driving, they arrive back at the police station. Shawn feels tired, and lightheaded, and he knows that’s bad. And they’re here now, so Lassie can’t force him to get out of the car and walk, so he decides to try and bring it up again.

“I think I’ve -” I think I’ve been stabbed, well, I know I’ve been stabbed, and I don’t wanna die but I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a lot of blood and it might be nice to do something about that.

But Lassie is already out of the car, opening the backseat and leading their cuffed suspect inside the building. Halfway up the steps, he turns around. Shawn is still in the car, and Lassie makes a gesture for him to hurry it up and follow them.

Shawn steels himself for the pain, then extricates himself from the passenger seat. It’s a painful ordeal, but thankfully, no one is there to hear his very pathetic whimpers. Once he’s out of the car, Shawn briefly turns around to check on his seat. Fortunately, it’s free of blood. He looks down at himself and sees that his clothes have not fared quite as well.

His black shirt looks wet, but the blood isn’t visible, thanks to the shirt’s dark color. The blood does reach down to his jeans, though, turning the tops of the legs rusty red. The inside of his jacket is damp, but the blood hasn’t soaked through the material, so the exterior looks clean. Shawn tugs his shirt and jacket down to hide the bloodstains on his jeans, then begins his trek inside.

The walk into the station is one of the most painful things Shawn has ever experienced in his life. The stairs are absolute hell on his wound, and he can feel more and more blood soaking through his shirt with every step he takes. He’s slowly but surely getting dizzy, and it’s getting harder and harder to focus, and he really needs to tell someone about this but he kind of doesn’t want to, now, for reasons he can’t quite fathom, and mostly he just wants to sleep. It hurts.

Finally, he makes it inside the station. There’s an empty chair pulled up next to Lassiter’s currently-empty desk, and Shawn makes a very slow beeline for it.

Sitting down is painful, but once he’s sitting, it’s infinitely more comfortable than standing or walking, and the pain lessens, just a bit. Shawn takes another look down at himself and sees, much to his alarm, drops of blood on the floor below him. The sight makes him feel even dizzier, and for a second he thinks he might pass out, and then he recalls what you’re supposed to do if you get stabbed (other than, you know, call an ambulance).

Pressure. He is supposed to apply pressure to the wound. It’s going to hurt, surely, but what’s a little more pain?

Again, Shawn has to fight to keep himself from screaming. Despite the intense pain, he keeps pressing his hands into his stomach, feeling the warm and wet and sticky fabric of his shirt. It’s the most unpleasant sensation in the world. His own blood soaking through his clothes and into his hands. He feels sick. Dizzy. Lightheaded. Confused. Afraid.

He needs to tell somebody about this before he actually passes out.

“Spencer? What’s wrong with you?”

Shawn startles at Lassiter’s voice. He sounds…oddly concerned. Hesitantly, Shawn turns his head in Lassie’s direction. Tell him, his brain suggests.

He opens his mouth to say something, but is interrupted (again).

“Are you…crying?”

Is he? Shawn raises a hand to his face and scrubs it under his eyes.

“Is that blood?” Lassiter is all seriousness now, and Shawn looks down at his fingers and remembers what they’d been doing before he’d used them to wipe his face. They’re bright red and now that he sees the blood, he can feel it on his face, drying beneath his eyes.

“What happened?”

“I got stabbed,” Shawn admits, finally. It’s such a relief to finally say the words, and he feels some of the tension leave his body.

Oh. Maybe too much tension. He’s falling.

Shawn’s body makes impact with the floor, and he can’t stop himself from crying out this time. For a second, everything is engulfed by a wave of pain that very nearly causes him to black out.

When the pain clears up somewhat, Shawn’s vision returns, and Lassie is above him, shouting something at someone and Shawn can’t focus hard enough to determine what he’s saying or who he’s saying it to. His voice is loud and commanding but there’s a look of something akin to fear on his face and Shawn wonders if he is going to die.

“Am I…” he starts, but halfway through the sentence he forgets what he’s going to say.

“You’re going to be fine,” Lassiter says, and his voice sounds certain but that look is still on his face and it scares Shawn and he doesn’t want to die, not now, not like this…

Lassie must sense him spiraling, because suddenly he’s talking again. Shawn focuses on him as best as he can, catching bits and pieces of the things he’s saying. “I can’t believe you got stabbed and didn’t say a word about it…running after a known suspect…going to punish him to the full extent of the law…”

Lassie’s talking eventually fades away, and darkness starts creeping into the edges of his vision, and somewhere in the back of his mind Shawn thinks, that’s not good, and then the darkness sweeps over him and the pain goes away and he finally falls asleep.

He wakes up and people are moving all around him, and he’s moving too, and he feels weird and he’s not exactly hurting but there’s some sort of strange sensation blanketing him and making it very hard to focus. He tries asking one of the people a question but his voice sounds muffled and he doesn’t know what he’s saying and then everything goes away again.

The next time he wakes up, he is much more aware. He’s in a hospital, and there’s a teenage girl in the bed to his right and a middle-aged man in the bed to his left. There are various machines around him that he doesn’t care to inspect, and there are four chairs positioned around the bed. All of them are empty.

He wonders where his visitors have gone. He wants to see Gus. And Jules. Maybe even his dad. He’d like to see Lassie, because he’s pretty sure the head detective had saved his life, but he doubts he’ll be here. He probably has much more important things to attend to.

So it’s a surprise when, a few long minutes later, Lassie steps into the room. He’s distracted, phone to his ear, steaming cup in his hand, and there’s a spot of blood on his jacket and a few more on his shirt and Shawn realizes it’s his blood - who else’s can it be - and if that’s true then either he’s recovered from surgery remarkably quickly, or Lassie has been here for several hours and hasn’t left. Both seem improbable, and yet…

When he’s made it halfway across the room, Lassie finishes his call and tucks his phone back into his pocket. He looks up at Shawn for the first time, and the dark expression on his face clears away when Shawn looks right back at him.

“Hey, Lassie,” Shawn greets tiredly, waving carefully with the arm that doesn’t have an IV needle sticking into it. “How’s it going?”

Lassie looks briefly like he wants to strangle Shawn for asking such a stupid question, but then he sighs and sinks down into one of the chairs, apparently resigning himself to answer the question.

“It’s going fine,” he says. “I’m not the one who got stabbed and then failed to tell anyone about it.”

“I tried,” Shawn admits. “You interrupted me. And then you weren’t there and I just…didn’t want to tell anyone.”

A look of guilt crosses Lassiter’s face. “I should have listened to you,” he says, which is an admission Shawn never thought he’d hear. He’d love to focus on it a little more, maybe tease Lassie for caring or possibly even keep the conversation serious, but he’s tired. He feels his eyes start to drift closed and he yawns.

He’s about to ask Lassie if they can continue this conversation in a few hours when Lassie sighs and says, “just rest, Shawn. We can talk later, whenever you’re feeling up to it. I’ll be here.”

It’s the nicest thing Lassie has ever said to him. Shawn would like nothing more than to say something gently teasing about Lassie really caring about him after all, but he simply falls asleep instead.

thanks for reading this! sorry for any mistakes i am super tired lol. hope you enjoyed, love u <3

#summerofwhump #summerofwhump28 #psych #shawn spencer #hidden #hidden injury #stabbed #collapse #hospital #my writing #i say things #ugghhhhh tired gn!

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fakecrfan · 3 years

Note

Ok. So Martin has to figure out what the Eye is at some point before the Goggles Incident or else he wouldnt know to blind himself to escape, right? So. When and how did he figure that out? And like, I get that he cant accept what the Eye offers as real love but wouldn't he try bargaining to, idk, date elias or smthg if the other 3 are released kind of like in aoye? Why would the Eye not go for that in this scenario?

Okay so--yes. Martin does discover what’s going on before the goggles incident. And of course, he discovers you can quit by gouging your eyes out. But it happens in phases.

Phase 1: he gets into the tunnels sometime after the Jane Prentiss threat blows over (but Martin’s been evicted and he’s weirdly having trouble finding a new place.) He gets information on the entities in general from Leitner.

Martin still promises he’ll come back and they’ll exchange more info. When he does come back, he finds Leitner completely fucking dead, so that’s how that goes.

(There is also some drama with the polycule and how they react to the tunnels--but I got another ask on that so I will expound on that Later :) )

Phase 2: Martin, after so much running around and trying to find out what eye monster is doing this and trying to wheedle information from people, gets straight up told by Elias that the Eye is in love with him. Martin does not accept this at first.

Phase 3: Melanie quits.

And you see, this is quite an accomplishment. Jon does now tell her how to quit in this AU, because Jon simply does not find Eric’s tape. Melanie follows Eric’s path in a more--indirect way. She goes through the process trial and error herself.

Of course her first instinct is to simply murder Elias. This prompts consternation from the rest of the polycule. Even Martin objects, also worried about all of them dying, to which Melanie throws something at him and screams not everything is about what you want!

She does feel bad about it afterwards, but she decides that bad feeling must be more Eye brainwashing, so she smothers it intentionally and does not apologize.

The attempts on Elias’s life before standard procedure. The others stop getting riled up about them. It even becomes an integral part of the team atmosphere. Exchanges like: “Ah, sorry Tim, seems like Melanie poisoned everything in the fridge just in case Elias eats any of it” become an ordinary and accepted part of life at the Archives.

The murder attempts distract everyone from all her other attempts to free herself.

Melanie reads every single statement she can get her hands on, trying to find any mention of someone fighting successfully against an Entity’s influence. She finds the story of Agnes Montague freeing someone from the web-induced mind control with a kiss on the cheeks.

That gives Melanie an idea, and sets her on a path. The first stop on that path is Jude Perry.

(CW: self harm, serious self-injury, and self destructive behavior bordering on suicidal.)

Jude laughs at Melanie’s dilemma (she always did find other people’s misery funny) and laughs even more at her hypothesis. Still, when Melanie grits her teeth and explains what she wants from Jude, Jude grins.

“Well,” Jude says. “I can practically guarantee you won’t get anything out of it that you’re hoping for. But you are pretty, so how could I say no?”

Georgie, as Melanie’s emergency contact, is the one who gets called by the hospital and gets to see her bandaged up from the burns Jude left on one side of her face.

Georgie is also there when Melanie gets to wake up and find out it didn’t work--that the same intense pressure for her to return to the Institute is still there. Melanie sobs a bit over it, squeezing Georgie’s hand, but--she’s not done, either. Not remotely.

If it’s not that the Desolation gives some sort of protection from mind control, Melanie decides, it must be that different Entities cancel each other out. And if the Desolation cancels out the Web, then--there has to be one that cancels out the Eye.

And so Melanie’s path continues.

She tracks down Manuela Domingeuz, and then Helen.

Melanie gets locked in the dark box (willingly) for days, and spends some indeterminate amount of time stumbling in Helen’s corridors, listening to Helen’s giggles echo around the corner and wondering if she’ll ever get let out. In each of these it--Melanie can feel the Eye subside for a moment. Can feel her thoughts become her own again.

But once she’s out, the pressure is always back. Pushing her back to the Institute. Letting her know Martin is worried.

She has so, so many fights with Georgie throughout all of this. Because Georgie both disagrees with Melanie keeping everything to herself, and disagrees with everything Melanie is doing when Melanie actually explains any of it.

“This isn’t helping anything, Melanie! I can’t just sit by and watch you slowly kill yourself.”

“Where were you? Please tell me what’s going on.”

“You’re just as bad as Jon.”

They stop talking. They start talking again. Melanie gets increasingly more erratic and hostile in her interactions with everyone. Jon tells her a supernatural bullet is causing this but, “It’s fine, we’ll make sure you stay one of Us enough to keep clear headed.”

She throws something at him, and screams.

Georgie wants her to stop trying. Wants her to focus on self-preservation, and stop self destructing for no foreseeable gain.

“And just let them keep controlling me?” Melanie mumbles, pressed up against Georgie’s shoulder.

“You’d still be alive, though,” Georgie says. “That has to be worth something.”

Melanie almost gives in, then. Only for a second, though. The problem is that Georgie’s words have the exact opposite of the effect Georgie intends. Because Melanie hears that and feels her heart melt and something in her goes: oh, this is what real love is.

She compares it to the foreign obsession that grips her at the worst of times, and she makes a choice.

Next week, Melanie locks herself in her own apartment. She knows she’ll get sick if she doesn’t go back to the Institute. It’s time to see if it will really kill her--or else, call her bluff.

Her phone blows up. She shuts it off and throws it out the window. Over the next few days, it becomes impossible to sleep. She paces, vomits, and scratches at herself. She gets furious, breaks things, kicks things, and cries through it all. She feels an ache in her leg, and thinks about what Jon told her about the bullet.

“Well,” she says, through the haze of lost sleep. “Maybe I can stop one thing from controlling me, at least.”

She cuts up her own leg. Messily, bloodily, not having enough foresight to sterilize the knife or have sutures or gauze ready to go. It’s pure luck that she doesn’t hit a major artery in the process, and that she gets it out.

Then, she hears knocking at the door.

“Fuck off!” she yells.

“Melanie?”

The voice makes her blood run cold. Martin. Her eyes move towards the door without her permission.

“Sasha said you were--you were doing--” Martin swallows. “Melanie, please. You don’t have to--”

Her head spins. She stands up, and heads for the door. She shakily unlocks it as though in a trance, and when she sees Martin on the other side she knows exactly why. The sight of him makes that alien thing at the back of head light up like fireworks.

She also knows, instantly, that Martin came himself because he knew that he’d be able to get her to stop. Because the second he thought hard enough about not wanting her to hurt herself, she wouldn’t be able to. That he's started to believe in the Eye's “love” enough to use it, in this case.

“You,” she tells him, still light-headed, “are a fucker, Martin.”

He doesn’t even defend himself. She hates him for that.

“What did you---your leg. Okay, shit, we need to get you to a--let me call--”

Melanie tries to move her head away. She can’t. She tries to at least blink. She can’t. She’s locked in eye contact with him, and those same fireworks are going off in her head.

Does Melanie work it out, at that moment?

She does think, briefly, of Manuela’s darkness. How that darkness blotted out the Eye’s influence, if only for a moment. About how Manuela ritualistically scratched out photographs of eyes, while Melanie was there. But maybe Melanie still doesn’t really make the intellectual connection.

Maybe it’s just spite.

She can’t move her own goddamn eyes. If it’s gonna be that way, then at the very least the Beholding shouldn’t get them either. And so, Melanie takes the knife she’d just used on her legs, and turns it on her own eyes.

The last thing she sees is Martin’s shrieking face--but the first thing she feels when she wakes up is Georgie’s hand holding hers, and that makes it worth it.

#and now Martin learns (viscerally) how someone can quit #martin + tapes #now with the culmination of Melanie's time in the polycule!

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thebad---catholic · 4 years

Text

My problems with AOS

Well here I am, 10 years late with an opinion no one asked for, but I have to write this down and throw into the void so that I can be at peace. I’ve been salty about this film franchise for a very long time now. This will mostly focus on Star Trek (2009) with the other two movies sprinkled in.

1. Starfleet

Honestly where do I even begin? In TOS, Starfleet was modeled after the navy (idk how accurately, but Roddenberry was in the air force so I’m assuming he’d know how all that works). You can get a feel for the chain of command, and everything feels natural with character ages and things like that. There’s a procedure for everything.

AOS Starfleet feels more like a high school club than an interplanetary exploration organization. Jim is supposed to be twenty-five when he gets the rank of captain- after he was almost expelled for cheating. He has no idea how to operate or run a starship. TOS Kirk moved through the ranks of Starfleet and was promoted on merit and leadership skills- he worked for his position.

Why was Jim the only person who knew what was happening when Nero showed up? Was there any requirements to joining to Starfleet other than get on the shuttle? Why did the linguist not know the difference between Vulcan and Romulan when they’re the linguist? How did Pike bypass the chain of command to appoint Jim Kirk as First Officer which was an obvious show of favoritism to someone was about to be thrown out of the academy? Why the fuck was he allowed to keep the title of captain? What the fuck?

Speaking of Jim.

2. Jim Kirk’s Character

I...don’t like Jim’s character in this film. It’s not terrible for a younger version of Kirk, but like I said though, there’s no reason Kirk should be this young. And in this one he’s just kinda a douche.

We know from TOS that Kirk gets around, but he genuinely cares for his exes, and in general respects women. He uses sex appeal as a strategy, but more than anything this comes off as a subversion of the femme fatal trope bc Kirk is a man. In the movie, he’s just a standard action movie protag who has lots of sex just because.

The scene when the Orion woman says she loves him and he replied “that’s so weird” is just...so weird? Like I can’t imagine Kirk doing anything in that situation than backing off and explaining that he doesn’t feel the same way. The scene continues with him hiding under the bed when Uhura walks in. Watching how the camera angle makes Jim out to be a voyeur made me uncomfortable then and it still does. It could be explained that Jim is trying to figure out Uhura’s identity or that he’s listening in and people look at who they’re listening to but like...she was in her underwear. You shouldn’t look at people while they’re getting undressed, especially when they don’t even know you’re there? Is that a hot take? Apparently.

In TOS there’s this really nice scene in This Side of Paradise(S1E24) where the whole crew is high (again) and has abandoned ship, leaving Kirk to tend to things. We see Jim move around the ship with a little clip pad and make the proper checks. This is a captain who knows his stuff. That is the Kirk we should have seen if we’re going to see Jim become captain.

AOS kirk goes through a standard “stop being an asshole” arc commonplace for male protagonists, but this happens well past the point he should stop being an asshole. Either the AOS series should’ve been a prequel with Jim becoming captain at the end of the trilogy, or he should’ve been older with a completely different arc- maybe coming to terms with his rank? Imposter syndrome? Learning to trust his crew and building trust with them? Building a friendship with Spock and McCoy? There’s a lot to work with here.

3. Spock and Uhura’s relationship

Why. Like why. For what. Por Que.

I like giving Uhura a bigger role, I don’t like making her a love interest to do that.

It doesn’t make sense for either of their characters. Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, linguist expert who handles all transmissions to and from the enterprise- an icon of black women’s representation is now demoted to Spock’s nagging girlfriend. This bothers me more than a little bit.

It manages to make even less sense for Spock. A hallmark of Spock’s character is his duality. He struggles to combat his emotions and the human half of him. His repeating character arc in TOS is coming to terms with humanity while upholding the Vulcan way of life. Having him in an established romantic relationship before this arc is supposed to happen just makes for a boring romantic subplot about a relationship that shouldn’t happen and that I don’t care about.

TOS Vulcan culture is kinda shitty. Explicitly patriarchal and stuff, and also kinda racist against humans. The source of Spock’s inner conflict is not himself but a society that views him as lesser for being half human. However, one thing that I can certainly understand from a “logical” (logic in quotations bc racism and sexism is fucking stupid) people is ritualized arranged marriages. It just...makes sense to me that Vulcans would simply have their mates chosen for them and then marry that person and be done with it. Neat. Logical. Conformity.

This makes Spock and Uhura’s relationship even stranger. Why would Spock go so against conformity that he dates someone before he truly comes to terms with himself? Even if they throw out ponfarr and arranged marriage, it still doesn’t work but now it especially doesn’t work.

My personal theory is that Spock and Uhura’s relationship was established purely to make shippers shut up. It’s no secret Spirk is the most popular ship from TOS. I have no doubt they knew this while writing the movie. So to quietly wrap a no homo on Spock and Kirk’s friendship, they use Uhura as a prop to do so.

The teacher/student dynamic should only be relegated to fan fiction and the throwaway line about oral sensitivity makes me cringe. Every. Time.

4. McCoy

Karl Urbans performance is easily my favorite part of this movie. He captures DeForrest Kelley so well it hurts. He made Leonard Nimoy cry. His chemistry with Pine made McKirk go from the most underrated triumvirate ship in TOS to rival Spirks popularity in AOS. His scenes with Zachary Quinto are just *chefs kiss*.

So why doesn’t he have more of a role? The triumvirate is missing a third.

In particular, there’s a scene where Uhura, Kirk, and Spock make their way down to a planet to talk to a Klingon. I can’t remember which movie it was or why, but Spock and Uhura were bickering and Kirk remarks “can we do this later?”

The line was funny. It would’ve been golden if it was McCoy and not Uhura.

A fantastic performance by an underutilized character in a movie where that character should’ve been at the forefront.

5. Representation

I am skeptical of any movie that advertises diversity. Nonetheless, it made me happy to know Sulu was going to be gay. This is Star Trek after all, known for its diversity and large LGBT fan base, and an homage to George Takai who’s a gay man irl. So whatever.

The fact that I wasn’t expecting much says a lot about the current state of LGBT rep in media but this blink-and-you-miss-it shit is really starting to get to me.

I mean he jus- he doesn’t even give his husband a KISS. Like why.

6. Destroying Vulcan

WHY. Oh god why.

This isn’t Star Wars, JJ. We don’t do that here.

Imploding Vulcan was the most god awful shock value bullshit plot device I’ve ever seen in a movie and it was done entirely to make Spock sad. Besides the gaping plot hole of “why did Nero go back in time to destroy Vulcan when he could’ve just saved Romulus” I’m just grasping to find a purpose for this particular event. New fans don’t care at all about Vulcan while I was enraged that they would do Amanda that dirty.

It’s not just that they did that, it’s more that they did it like that. Vulcan’s destruction should’ve caused a federation wide meltdown as the biggest catastrophe in the entire franchise. If they were gonna make the stakes so pointlessly high, they should’ve treated the destruction of Vulcan exactly how they would treat the destruction of earth. There a million ways to treat that event with more gravity and million better plot lines that don’t involve G E N O C I D E

7. Miscellaneous petty bullshit because I’m a baby

-lower the fucking stakes Jesus Christ

-Don’t like the set. It’s bright and white and boring and gives me a headache. You don’t need a remake of the old set but like have fun ya know? Shit looks like an Apple store.

-Christine and I are the same in that we are both soft and are thirsty for Spock. Imagine my surprise to learn she wasn’t fucking there. Same with Janice but I’m more pressed about Christine. I don’t even remember the name of that blonde doctor lady who is Not Christine but i didn’t want her.

-The costumes in AOS look boring but still don’t feel like a uniform either. I deadass think Chris Pines outfit in the SNL skit looked better than the actual movie (minor adjustments needed)

-I didn’t notice this at first but someone pointed out that women’s uniforms don’t signify rank and now I can’t not see it. I don’t...think this movie treats women good? Or McCoy? Or just people who deserve better?

-Lens Flare

-I get why they did it but I don’t like that they misquoted the opening theme to say “no one” instead of “no man”. I probably wouldn’t have even notice except they gave the line to Uhura. Comes off as just a touch too “yay feminism” which is really rich coming from that treated Uhura like an object to be looked at when she wasn’t too busy being Spock’s emotional support gf, and completely cut two women from the main cast.

8. Conclusions

If I could describe these movies in one word it’d be generic. Which sucks because Star Trek far from generic.

They’re fun to watch but not think about. It was nice that I got to see a Star Trek movie in theaters. I just wish it as the same Trek I saw on TV.

#star trek the original series #star trek tos #star trek aos #star trek alternate original series #jj abrams #jim kirk #captain kirk #dr mccoy #bones mccoy #spock #mr spock #lt uhura #nyota uhura #hikaru sulu #star trek #star trek headcanon #trekkie #trekker #star trekkin

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sero-sphere · 4 years

Text

Writing Prompt : Serial Killer Tomura Shigaraki PT 2

Prompt: a serial killer who finds their victims through dating apps has finally chosen their next target. they've been texting for a while and had planned what would've been a fatal first date, but then the country went on lockdown. the killer keeps in touch figuring they might as well keep around another potential victim except...they’re kinda starting to like this one.

(Serial killer Tomura x f reader)

Wordcount:2k

Warnings: murder, non-con everything? , mention of rape? choking, death, breath play, idk its bad he kills people. maybe a little hybristophilia if you look real close. (pls just remember none of this is real and proceed with caution....thnks)

PT1 (taglist: @centerhabit @lawlesshedgehog @bakugotrashpanda )

You were just about to go digging through your freezer for ice cream when you heard the buzzer to your apartment go off. To say you were nervous was an understatement. It was almost 11pm on a Friday, and you knew for sure it was not one of your friends. They had all returned to their home towns to ride out this pandemic. Against your better judgement, you pressed the buzzer to speak.

"Hello?"

"Why do you sound so scared...I thought I told you I was coming?" A gruff, yet familiar voice rang out from the speaker. How could he have gotten here so fast, and when did you tell him where you lived?

"But I never gave you my address..."

"Just open the door before I get in trouble." Tomuras voice held a hint of annoyance.

“O-ohkay.” You mumbled back and buzzed him in before your neighbors saw, and reported you for following unsafe quarantine procedures. You waited by the door for him, for what felt like ages. You finally heard footsteps outside and opened it up to find him looming over you. He spoke first.

"Hi"

"Hi..."You both stood there and stared at each other. Tomura couldn’t figure out what to do next, now that you were finally right in front of him? Does he play along with this little charade for a while longer...or does he cut right to the chase.

"You can come in you know, you don’t have to stand there. It's not like you’re a stranger or anything...well I mean kind of...." You stepped further into your apartment and motioned for him to follow you. Once the door was closed behind him, you took in his appearance. Much like the pictures you had seen of him thus far, he was dressed in all black. A black pair of jeans, black sweatshirt, and a long black jacket over top. He was taller than you’d thought he’d be. Way taller than you at least. He was also wearing some sort of makeshift facemask that was odd to say the least. It looked like a hand…that covered his whole face. You could make out his red eyes peering out from underneath. You wondered how he could even see between the hand and his long hair that was cascading down around his face.

"Well...I still haven’t seen what you look like, so you’re only a semi-stranger now...you can take it off ya’ know."

He was stuck, in his own mind. He couldn’t utter a response or even bring himself to take another step. His adrenaline was pumping and he couldn't think straight. He had the overwhelming urge to just take you, but there was a longing ache in his heart. He felt it the moment you opened the door. He couldn't figure out what it was, he never had felt this way before. It was familiar, yet foreign to him all at the same time.

"May I?" You motioned up towards his face, you wanted to remove the hand, and take a peek at what was behind it. He finally nodded slowly, still unsure of his next moves, deciding it was ok for you to take the lead for now. You removed the large hand slowly.

"Oh, wow..."

That was it, he knew what he was going to do. He was going to kill you right then and there, clean it up before anyone even heard a thing. He reached up to grab at your neck when you spoke again.

"You're so handsome, why have you been hiding this from me?"

What? That stopped him dead in his tracks. Not that he thought he was bad looking, Tomura just never really considered himself ‘handsome’ before. Hell, no one has ever called him good looking before, yet alone handsome. He didn’t exactly put himself in the types of situations where women would complement him, not while he was in the middle of murdering them , that’s for sure.

"You're perfect." You broke through his bewilderment and brought your hand up to stroke his cheek.You really were so carefree and trusting. He was a stranger from the internet and you just let him walk right in, not even having a clue as to what he was about to do.

Instead of crushing your throat, he reached up and grabbed at your hair. He bent over and leaned in, his grasp on your head moving you closer to him, meeting you halfway. His lips were on yours in an instant, and you immediately matched his vigor.

This was all so foreign to him. Usually he was calculated and always thinking of his next move, but now it was like he was drunk from your scent. His mind was foggy and he couldn't do anything but look at you, and kiss you.

You managed to make your way over to the couch, as you sat him down and plopped down on your knees in from of him. Stroking him through his jeans, feeling how tight they were already becoming. Usually it took a while for him to get to this point. No one ever did this willingly, and the ones who eventually did were too close to death to refuse. But here you were, just willing to please him right off the bat.

-------------------------

He wasted no time in letting you do what you wanted. Getting lost in this hazy dream world, he couldn’t even process one thought in his mind. He didn’t even realize he came down your throat...

"Well, maybe it wasn't ice cream, but at least I got my dessert… " You licked your lips, and stood up from beneath him. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Sure if you don't mind...” Maybe an ice cold drink would do him good, get his mind thinking again. While you were in the kitchen he was thinking of what his next move would be. Clearly his DNA was all up in you, and no doubt you'd be connected to him instantly. He'd been chatting with you for so long, as soon as they found your body they'd put two and two together and his killing spree would be over. He already fucked up if he was going to do this the right way.

Maybe he didn't fuck up though. Maybe in the back of his mind he came inside you just to make sure he couldn't kill you just yet. Keep you around a little longer.

You walked in from the kitchen. Two drinks in hand and sat down on the couch next to him silently sipping from your glass, as you reached out to hand the other to him.

"Sooo..."

Shigaraki supposed he should say something nice at this point. "That was....thank you."

"No problem...I hope you didn't come all the way over here during quarantine for just a blow job? At least tell me you're staying the night?" You winked and flashed him a grin, wiping the last bit of cum from your chin.

Shigaraki had his routines, and sleeping out was definitely not one of them. To leave his lair unguarded...what if someone broke in, and found all his trophies? You took his silence as a negative thing, and moved over to practically sit on his lap.

“Please? You've been teasing me for like 4 weeks now…and now I've finally seen you….” There was a long pause. “I don't think I want you to go back.”

He supposed it was quarantine, no one should be going out and the chances of someone stumbling into his lair by chance were even lower. One night couldn't hurt.

He had never spent this much time with someone so lively so to speak. This whole thing was new to him, and he wasn't quite sure of what to do. He was used to the one being in control but it was the exact opposite here with you.

4 weeks and 2 days into quarantine:

Shigaraki was walking home when he spied you out of the corner of his eye, walking down some side alley. Except, that wasn’t you was it? He had just left you back at your apartment. There was no way you were walking that fast either, you could barely stand when he decided to head back. He was quite proud he didn’t leave you in a worse state. He at least had some self-control, all of which was about to come crashing down quickly. Before he realized, he was right behind your look-alike, grabbing her face and smashing it into the brick wall beside him. He didn’t have time to catch his breath before she took her last. Although he didn’t leave his now signature “dessert” behind, he had just enough time to snag a trophy. Even though it was unplanned, it was still a kill nonetheless.

He didn't hesitate not once with this girl. He did it before he could even realize what was happening...so why wasn't it the same with you???

That scared him.

5 weeks into quarantine:

That scared him so much he ignored you for a few days. He left you on read, every time you tried to reach out and talk to him. The last time being when you finally decided to tell him off and to “go eat shit, you fucking prick.” With all the time that had passed he was now free to kill you. His DNA was nowhere to be found by now, and you had blocked him. He just looked like some tinder hookup that got what he wanted and fucked off right after. Soon you wouldn’t even be a thought in his mind.

5 weeks and 1 day into quarantine:

He decided how he was going to execute his plan, having been thinking about it since he came back down from the haze of your presence. He decided to stalk your apartment building and wait until someone was leaving, for him to slip in undetected. He waited then slipped in the building as your nieghbr made their exit.

He got to your door and hesitated...it was now or never. He reached for the handle, and it was locked....should he knock? Or break it open. Maybe his plan wasn’t as well thought out as he originally thought it was. He was still stuck in his mind, debating, when he heard you on the other side of the door.

"What are you doing here?"

He stood there, deer in the headlights. He could have sworn you could feel his heart thump from all the way on the other side of the door.

"Don't look so fucking surprised. I heard you try the knob."

He finally pulled his head from his ass and spoke up. “I…” he mumbled “...can you open the door?”

You swung open the door just a crack...the chain was still locked. "What?"

"All the way?" He didn’t want to have to beg, but anything he did at this point wouldn’t surprise him. You had a tendency to make him behave irregularly.

You shut the door and waited awhile.....finally, it opened all the way and you stepped aside to let him in. Shigaraki slammed the door behind him, it was now or never. He lunged at you, catching you off guard, slamming you over the side of your couch. He remained on top of you, clutching your throat, watching you try to speak, only able to barely breathe. The other hand was on your hip, grabbing you with a bruising grip to keep you in place. His grip around your neck was getting increasingly tighter, and tighter....until all of a sudden it wasn't. You were getting enough air now and instead of screaming, it sounded to him like you were moaning? He stopped squeezing all together and watched curiously as you started to rub your legs back and forth. You were getting off on this?...holy fuck.

His lips were crashing into yours before you had a chance to breathe properly. Shigaraki was rough straight away, and his lips continued to steal your air before his hands got the chance too. His body taking over, giving his brain a back seat as he let you flip him over and take control. Why was this always so hard for him?

-----------------

A few hours later when you were finally gathering your thoughts together, you decided to ask him why he ghosted you. Why he suddenly showed up out of nowhere just to blow your back out, with no remorse.

"Why did you ignore me for so long?"

"I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with you…" He glanced over and brushed the hair that was stuck to your sweaty forehead aside.

"What you wanted to do with me? I'm a human you know… I have feelings…"

“If you were really so mad at me you wouldn’t have let me in, in the first place…or even let me do any of that.”

You slap his arm away from you playfully. He instantly pulls you back, closer to him, into tighter embrace, and brings his chin to rest on your head.

“So...what did you decide to do with me, handsome?”

He smirked. “I’ve decided to keep you around.”

#tomura x reader #shigaraki x reader #non-con #murder #serial killer #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #Hybristophilia #serial killer tomura #serial killer shigaraki

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makeste · 4 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 259: Jakku General Hospital

Previously on BnHA: We chilled with Hawks and Twice, who filled us in on the various different facets of Pliff’s plan to fuck over the world. For starters there are like a dozen new bad guys who are each heading different Pliff regiments, just in case anyone forgot that this is a literal army we’re dealing with here. Hawks also reminded us of the fact that Twice can clone basically any one of the bad guys as many times as he wants now, so that’s a nicely terrifying thought to sit and mull over. We learned that once Tomura is done powering up, the villains intend to attack all over the country simultaneously and basically destroy society as we know it. Oh and also kill all the heroes of course. But I think we already knew that. Anyway, so the one bright side in all of this is that Twice naively let it slip to Hawks where Tomura was currently undergoing his Frankenstein procedure. And so the chapter ended with basically all of the heroes in Japan launching a surprise attack in the mountains of Kyoto, while the kids waited on standby to help with the evacuations. And I know that doesn’t sound very safe, but... well... shit.

Today on BnHA: A quiet morning in the Kyoto suburb of Jakku. All is peaceful -- or so it seems. Little does the elderly CEO of Jakku General Hospital (a stand-up citizen, philanthropist, and caretaker of orphans all across the country) know that lying in wait just outside his doors is a group of wicked and immoral HEROES ready to -- okay lol you know what, I can’t. Not sure what I was really going for there anyway. So! Meanwhile in the woods outside the ol’ villain hotel, a second group of heroes led by Edgeshot and featuring several child heroes in training, including KAMINARI WHO WAS LITERALLY JUST BORN YESTERDAY AND SHOULD BE AT HOME IN HIS NURSERY WATCHING PAW PATROL AND NOT OUT HERE IN THE WOODS WHERE HE IS IN TERRIBLE DANGER, is gathered and ready to attack the League’s main forces. So things kick off with Death Arms apprehending the traitorous Slidin’ Go, while elsewhere the heroes bust into Jakku General Hospital to capture Ujiko. Show of hands, who here thinks this is going to go smoothly? ...Yep. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

okay guys, before we get started I’m gonna answer a couple of relevant asks from last week. first:

I’m almost hesitant to talk about this, because I’m paranoid that Viz and co. could pounce on these sites again at any moment, and so I feel like this sort of thing is better left to private messages and discord servers. but I guess one little mention of it won’t hurt. so the site currently doing the scanlations is readheroacademia.com, which has been around for a while. and there are several other sites which also host the new chapters and have all of the old chapters archived as well. kissmanga is a big one which I know a lot of people use, but my personal favorite is readmha.com (idk, I just feel like its layout is... cleaner? if that makes any sense)

also do keep in mind that all of these sites are pretty ad-heavy, so I wouldn’t recommend visiting without a good adblocker at the ready (I generally use Chrome on both desktop and mobile, and have uBlock Origin and Disable HTML5 Autoplay enabled on my desktop browser). that being said, I’ve never had any issues myself

good question! I was actually thinking about doing a weekly follow-up post on Sundays after the official Viz translation comes out, but obviously I did not end up doing that last week lol. so now I’m thinking it might be easier for me to just post any subsequent thoughts/remarks in the following week’s chapter recap, since I’m already committed to doing those anyway and so it makes it harder to flake out

so that said, my one follow-up thought about chapter 258 is that the fan scanlation seems to have mistranslated that whole “AFO’s resurgence” part. in Viz’s version Hawks was instead saying that the PLF’s plans would “throw the world into chaos and enthrone Shigaraki atop the rubble.” and he then referred to Tomura as the second coming of All for One. sooooo, pretty much exactly the opposite of the other translation lol. this is a big blow to my continued effort to search for evidence that AFO is gonna come back and be the final villain, but I am still not deterred. we will continue to fight on until AFO either actually dies, or does come back like I keep predicting he will! please try to work with me a little better here, AFO

one other thing, instead of “New World Movement”, Viz used the same “Vanguard Action” regiment name that was used during the forest training camp arc. Caleb said that the wording (“kaibyaku koudou”) was exactly the same. so I’ll be using that too moving forward. I guess that means that Pliff is still on the menu though, pity

anyway so let’s get started now

so it’s a house... no, holy shit, wait, it’s the house!

THE NEW TODOROKI HOUSE OH MY GOD. ahhhhh lol what the fuck is this. Todofeels coming up to slap me in the face out of nowhere?! here I thought we were gonna just dive right into the Shigaraki raid and the resulting carnage

I’m... not really sure how I feel about this? like, right now I’m not trusting anything Horikoshi does lol. “quiet beginnings” you say? this is just a sneaky new way to bring me more pain. isn’t it

(ETA: I guess “quiet beginnings” also summarizes the other activities of this chapter pretty well. also is that Natsuo’s girlfriend??! at first I thought it was Rei, but those look like quirk-related ears? so Natsu then really is living his best college life huh.)

oh hey everyone it’s a brand new character!

(ETA: wait, is he actually quirkless? or is that just another LIE. you big LIAR.)

I’m so curious what the kanji is for this latest name. can’t wait for Caleb to enlighten us. I wonder if it’s “shi” as in “death”, just like with Tomura/AFO’s name. and no idea at all what “Maruta” means. basically I just want to know if there’s some pun or something, since yet again he’s obviously using a fake alias here

(ETA: so someone informed me in an anon ask that this is a reference to Unit 731, which was a Japanese unit that undertook lethal human experimentation during WWII. basically the people who conducted the experiments referred to their human subjects as “logs” to dehumanize them. and the Japanese word for log is, you guessed it, maruta. so that’s an extremely powerful and disturbing association for this name, and it’s obvious now why Horikoshi went with it.

that said, the anon said that some people were really upset by this name choice, and while I guess I can understand that, I also think that’s kind of the point, though? like, it’s supposed to be horrifying. anyone with a human conscience and any kind of empathy whatsoever should be horrified. and atrocities like that shouldn’t be forgotten, and I actually think that for someone born and raised and living in Japan like Horikoshi to be making a reference to this is fairly ballsy. because my understanding is that, like a lot of Japan’s other war crimes, it was more or less hushed up by the government afterwards, and isn’t really taught in schools or mentioned in history textbooks other than in passing. so while I can understand people maybe finding it disrespectful, I don’t think it was meant as such. it seems to me that if anything, Horikoshi wants people to look into it and be educated about it. and again, obviously he’s associating it here with easily the most reprehensible and morally sickening character in the entire series, which is fitting I think. anyway so those are my thoughts on that.)

anyway, guess what guys? looks like we’ve got ourselves another Star Wars reference! let’s just hope this particular Jakku doesn’t wind up as wrecked as its namesake when all’s said and done. it’s gonna be a loooooong day

you guys. Maruta is such a nice guy

he’s a philanthropist! and he runs orphanages all over the country! wow! what a great person!! and nursing homes as well, where residents presumably die on the regular (of old age and other natural causes no doubt), at which point they are presumably cremated, and I wonder who runs the cremation facilities? I’m sure whoever it is is definitely on the up-and-up

and “quirk-based community healthcare.” I wonder if they’re selective about who they treat based on what their quirks are. all the better to make sure people with particularly strong and/or unique quirks get the specialized treatment they need!

anyway. see, this is more like what I expected. some super dark shit, and finally some answers to a few long-established questions as well, but not without a price. that price being the churning feeling in my gut right now lol. oh man. well I just ate, so that might have something to do with it. but I tell ya, nothing makes you vaguely queasy like trying your best not to think about a massive conspiracy to kidnap and torture innocent children in the pursuit of ultimate power! so anyways I sure do hate this!

fffff like, really hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH

[reluctantly goes ahead and slides AFO down one notch on my list of people I need to see die the most] well there it is. we have a new champion

so now we’re cutting to a hero briefing!

y’all is that THE SHERIFF. PLEASE. IT’S BEEN SO LONG. BUDDY I MISSED YA

so Nao says he had one of his guys go undercover to investigate, and they found that this hospital’s blueprints included a giant suspicious unlabeled place that nobody knows anything the fuck about

oh my god. you guys. forget Tomura, could that also be where they’re keeping the Noumus?? omg. omg omg omg. omgggggggggggg. omg

-- AHHHHHHHHHH

IF THE NEXT PANEL ISN’T JUST A CHORUS OF EVERYONE IN THE ROOM ALL SAYING “WHAT THE FUCK” SIMULTANEOUSLY, I’M GONNA DEMAND SOME ANSWERS, BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, HAVING ALREADY KNOWN ALL ABOUT POOR JOHN-KUN AND ALL THIS FUCKED UP SHIT MYSELF, I STILL AUDIBLY SWORE OUT LOUD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M GONNA DO IT AGAIN TOO, BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK

come on, is Pixie Bob the only one of you here with normal human reactions or what?!

RIGHT?! YOU ALL ARE LOOKING AT A TINY MOUND OF FLESH WITH VEINY BULGING EYES JUST OGGLING BLANKLY OUT FROM ITS EXPOSED BRAINS. NOT TO MENTION IT’S GOT TWO OF WHAT VAGUELY RESEMBLE EARS, BUT WHAT I’M PRETTY SURE ARE ACTUALLY NOSES?? AND A SEVERED SPINAL CORD TAIL DANGLING OUT FROM BEHIND. ALL OF WHICH IS PLASTERED TOGETHER LIKE A LUMPY MOLD OF CLAY ATOP TWO CHILD-SIZED LEGS, which are wearing fucking sneakers, with fucking velcro and shit. fuck. fuck

lol Nao

oh yes, not difficult at all. I’m sure he’ll come along real quietly. hey, let me know how that one works out, okay

“we have the trauma of Hosu and Kamino still haunting us.” thanks for that reminder. gonna have another city to add to that list real soon aren’t we. preemptive r.i.p. Jakku

oh man you guys. can you feel this tension building up

interesting how he says “destiny.” I wonder if that’s the actual dialogue. at any rate this overconfidence is terrifying and I would really like for you all to stop jinxing shit my dudes

-- WHAT DID I JUST SAY

holy shit. please tell me this is a separate group from the Endeavor group we saw at the end of the last chapter

but that doesn’t make any sense though, because this group has Midnight and Kamui, two of their deadliest and most efficient capture specialists. not to mention Edgeshot the literal ninja who can break into anywhere. so this really should be the vanguard here based on what I’m seeing, but if that’s the case why are the eighteen-year-old Tamaki and the sixteen-year-old Toadette right there with them?? can we not, you guys. can we not

fucking shit. at least they’ve got Ms. Joke there too to back them up. if we actually get to see her quirk in action I can die happy. and so, presumably, will the villains

so the “hospital team” (is that the Endeavor team??) said they’re gonna eliminate the villains’ warping ability, which presumably means John-kun. do they even know it’s him that does it?? they don’t seem to actually know who Ujiko fucking is so I have my doubts?

on the bright side though, it seems like this Midnight team is actually going to be raiding the mansion, and won’t be involved in the hospital raid. but on the less bright side, the mansion is arguably almost as dangerous. :/ that’s where Twice is!! and probably most of the League! but at least they don’t have a dozen Noumus in the basement just waiting to be unleashed

god. people, if we don’t get moving on this action soon I am going to give myself a damn heart attack. this is way too much suspense for a chill Friday night

son of a bitch that guy behind Toadette is Honenuki, I just realized. what the fuck, U.A. ?? “hey kids! guess what! we’re going on a field trip!!” ...

-- NO!!!!!!

IT WILL NOT BE ALL RIGHT!! DON’T YOU LIE TO THEM!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!! Tamaki, fine, okay, he’s experienced, and arguably more powerful than half the people there. Toadette, she’s just a kid, but she also tried to kill Tokoyami back during the joint training arc and I’m still not sure how I feel about that so whatever! Honenuki is probably the most responsible person in this entire group so fine. Tokoyami needs to be there to have a lot of angst about Hawks

but Kaminari. Kaminari fucking Denki. no. no, sir. excuse the fuck out of me. how fucking dare you. he is a five-year-old boy in the body of a high-voltage adolescent. and he’s maybe, just maybe, more powerful than anyone else in this fucking group but that still doesn’t give you the right to put this little baby boy RIGHT ON THE FRONT FUCKING LINES!! holy shit! HIS BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!! I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THIS

OH MY GOD

RIGHT?!?!? omg omg omg omg omg

he’s literally wailing “I miss class 1-A” so loudly that it’s echoing all the way through the forest. see now that’s why you DON’T TAKE KAMINARI WITH YOU ON YOUR SECRET STEALTH ATTACK MISSION!! would somebody please point me towards whoever’s fucking idea this was so that I can go kick their fucking ass please and thank you

and here are the rest of them oh my god

Momo, Mina, Jirou, and Kiri at the forefront. okay, fine. this, I do like

so Edgeshot says they’ve surrounded the villains on all sides. man, no wonder they’re so worried about their warping capabilities. this is basically their one chance to capture all the bad guys in one fell swoop. I guess it makes more sense why all their capture specialists are in Edgeshot’s group, then

now I’m starting to wonder exactly what task lies in store for the Wonder Trio’s group, though? because they said evacuation, but is that really all there is to it? it’s no secret that Bakugou, Deku, and Todoroki are the three strongest interns they have. so you’re really expecting me to believe that they put baby Denki there on the front lines and yet plan on keeping their heaviest hitters in reserve? Nao is there more to this plan that you’re not telling us

oh shit Endeavor wants to know where his adopted chicken son is at

it genuinely does warm my heart to see Endeavor worrying about Hawks. I’m glad Hawks has at least one person out there who actually gives a shit about him. even if that person is mister father of the year here. the plot thickens

I wonder if Enji would actually die to save Hawks, if it came to that. which I’m not saying it would. but we all know some fucking shit is about to go down so I’m just having these thoughts here okay!

Nao always looks so tired nowadays. man

so he clearly does know who Endeavor’s talking about, though. one of these days I’d like to get a clearer understanding of what exactly Naomasa’s rank is and how high he is in terms of clearance, because the idea that he’s actually privy to more information than the number one fucking hero is kind of bonkers to me, ngl. this guy is literally just a detective, right?? not even a commissioner or anything. and yet he’s involved in everything. I used to suspect that he might be the traitor lol, and while I’m pretty sure by now that’s not the case, I’m still curious as to exactly what his deal is. does he even have a quirk?? anyways

so now Endeavor is hmphing and stomping off, and meanwhile there are some closeups of Mic and Aizawa

is that a whistle. do you guys think Mic could literally kill a man with his voice. shit. why do I kind of want to see it happen

as for Endeavor, I wonder if he was the one who made sure that his son and his friends weren’t on the front lines with the rest of them. sometimes it’s good to have some influence in these things

looooooool as if on cue

well. that sure doesn’t sound like he intends to keep them out of harm’s way. does he really have that much faith in them??

serious question, why exactly are all of the heroes seemingly so confident that this is going to work? it scares me because it makes me feel like in spite of Hawk’s intel they still don’t have a clue what they’re truly up against

so now we’re cutting to some random street somewhere and WOULD YOU LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS

Slidin’ Go Suck An Egg. oh how I hate this man

look at him

I hate his stupid face!

OH SHIT

TRAFFIC CONE MAN, ARE YOU FINALLY GOING TO REDEEM YOURSELF FOR NOT RESCUING KACCHAN ON THAT DAY TWO YEARS AGO BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID OF A LITTLE SLUDGE? BECAUSE I’M HERE FOR IT! IF YOU WANT TO JUST GO AHEAD AND SNAP HIS NECK, I WILL TURN THE OTHER WAY AND ACT LIKE I DIDN’T SEE, I PROMISE

wow, Burnin’s team really is just evacuating people

I mean they’re obviously going to run into a Noumu, and just like that they’ll be in more danger than anyone, but at least for now it really does seem like the minds behind this raid wanted to keep them relatively out of danger. so yeah, for now I’m gonna chalk that up to Endeavor’s influence that they’re here rather than in the forest with the rest of their class

and here comes the hospital team!

well that answers my question about Nao’s rank. so he’s not even a chief. that really is fucking ridiculous but whatever

and why do I feel like this poor undercover subordinate is mere seconds away from becoming the first casualty in what I think is about to become the most violently snafued situation we’ve seen in this manga to date. like this shit is going to make Kamino look like the fucking state fair. fuck

...

I really wish I could believe that he was about to go down and it really was going to be just that easy

HERE WE GO!!

(ETA: so then they do know that he’s the guy who made the Noumu? including the one that nearly took him out in Kyushu? and they’re still acting like this is going to be a walk in the park? ?? what??)

knock knock, who’s there, JUSTICE

YESSSSSSS

(ETA: sure hope Endeavor’s light here doesn’t go summoning any darkness. welp.)

YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR CRIMES OF BEING TOO HORRIBLE TO EVEN FUCKING CONTEMPLATE, LET ALONE JOKE ABOUT! YOU SON OF A BITCH, GET FUCKED

oh my god. we’re really just gonna end it like that. well I guess next chapter we can all play a fun game of “let’s all count the pages until everything goes horribly wrong.” won’t that be a laugh. 10 to 1 the Noumu really are in the secret room and they’re all gonna be set loose by next week’s cliffhanger. remind me to have “Into the Trap” by John Williams cued up and ready to go lol

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

Do you take lessons for anything? No.

Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? No, thankfully.

If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? I haven’t worn any makeup for like 3 years now.

Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? One does, the other has glass sliding doors.

If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? I only have one pet.

Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No.

Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? “Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in?” and I said, “No.”

Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? There’s this delicious garlic parm popcorn seasoning one of my local theaters offers that’s really good. You can actually get it at the store, which I have.

Are you lonely? I feel lonely in what I’m going through right now.

What’s your favorite magazine to read? I haven’t read a magazine in several years.

Do you like pineapple? No.

Have you ever seen fireflies? Yeah.

Have you ever trespassed? No.

Do you tell your parents where you are going? I don’t go anywhere now except for doctor appointments, which my mom takes me to, but back when I had a social life and friends and actually did stuff I always let my family know I was going to be hanging out. It didn’t matter that I was an adult, that’s how my family is with each other. We don’t give a play by play, but it’s just nice to let someone know.

Do you raise your hand or participate in class? Ugh, I hated the classes that required that as part of your grade.

Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? I used to.

Have you ever purposely hurt an animal? No!

Would you ever see a therapist? Yes. I’m actually supposed to call Monday and finally set something up.

Are you afraid of heights? Yes.

Are you afraid of the dark? I don’t want to be out and about at night and I have to sleep with my TV on for both light and sound.

Are you a jealous person? I can be. I haven’t felt jealous in quite a long time, though.

When is your birthday? July 28th.

What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing? Yes.

Are you still friends with someone from kindergarten? I just have Facebook “friends” that I’ve known since kindergarten.

What is the most important thing to you? My loved ones.

Do you like whipped cream? Yeah.

Are you close to your mother? Yes, she’s my best friend.

Are you close to your father? We don’t have the same kind of relationship my mom and I do, but we don’t have a bad one or anything. It’s just different.

Do you walk around bare foot when you're at home? Or do you wear socks? I always have socks on.

Do you like chocolate popsicles? I did as a kid. I haven’t had one in such a long time.

Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? No.

Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? Both would be an awesome experience.

Have you ever written a poem? I dabbled with it in my teens. It’s so cringe.

Would you ever be a tornado chaser? Uh, absolutely not. I’d be trying to get as far away as possible.

What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I very rarely use BBQ sauce, but it’s good with chicken tenders.

Your parents tell you that this summer, you get to pick the vacation. Where do you plan to go? I wish I could have a relaxing beach getaway. In the perfect scenario we’d be able to rent a beach house and have our own private beach area where I could rent a canopy bed and lie out at the beach. That’s what I need right now.

What do you think is a good theme for a prom? *shrug* My prom was over a decade ago now, I’m not thinking about that stuff.

Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? I had to take a math class in 6th grade because I missed a lot of school due to a long hospital stay after a surgical procedure and then I had to retake a math course once in community college. I also took some summer classes voluntarily as well at community college to speed things up a bit.

Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? About what? Always. I just expect the worst all the time.

Have you ever been to the rainforest? No.

Have you ever created a website? Just like on those websites like freewebs or whatever it was called back in the day for fansites. It was just website that let you make your own simple websites.

Ever thought about writing a book? Yes.

Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? No, but I’ve had nightmares where I’m being chased, attacked, and even shot at.

Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? I mean, yeah.

Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? Both suck, but a runny nose can really be a nuisance if it’s bad. I’ve had times where I had to stuff a tissue in my nostril cause it was so bad. Not being able to breathe isn’t pleasant either, though...

Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? That’s tough cause I have a lot of stomach problems and it’s absolutely awful. I very rarely get sore throats, I don’t even recall the last time, but having it hurt when swallowing is not fun and swallowing is something you continuously do, so it’s not exactly something you can avoid. I also feel like there’s not a whole lot you can do about it either.

Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? I wouldn’t say a disaster.

Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? Nope. I’ve never really given it a real try either, I give up quite easily and quickly.

Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? It’s easier for me to talk to the void in surveys or on Twitter.

Would you consider yourself to be emo? I’ll always be emo.

Do you have a favourite metal band or do you not like metal? I’m not into metal, but lately the surveys I’ve been taking it’s clear that the creators sure are. It’s likely the same person.

What is your current desktop picture? Alexander Skarsgard.

Thick or thin blanket? I just use a throw blanket.

Who are your favorite bands? Idk man, I haven’t really been into much music lately. <<< Same. I have my favorites that have been my favorites forever and always will be, but I don’t have any new ones or any I’ve discovered recently.

How do you mark through your word search puzzles? I prefer to use a highlighter, but circling with a pen works.

Have you ever sewn something? No.

What did you eat for dinner last night? A Lean Cuisine microwave meal.

Ever been grounded? Yeah.

Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? I haven’t seen any of them.

When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) It’s been a few years.

Have you ever drank Cherry Coke? Yeah. That was one of my favorites when I was younger.

Have you ever had a black eye? No.

Have you ever eaten a bug? Never voluntarily, that’s for sure. I don’t want to think about the times I unknowingly have. *shivers*

Do you like pranking people? No.

Did you ever take a cooking class in school? No.

Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? Nah. On that day my mom just makes corned beef and cabbage, mostly cause my dad loves it. I don’t care for it, though.

Do you use Skype? No.

Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? No.

Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No.

Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? I haven’t seen him in like 5 years. He doesn’t post photos of himself on social media either so I honestly have no idea what he looks like now.

Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I don’t feel like it right now.

Have you ever cheated on a test? No.

Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No.

How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? I don’t have a job.

Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? All the time. I’ve always loved to read.

When was the last time you were scared? I’ve been really stressed and nervous about some health related things.

What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? I like several of her songs. Can you speak binary? No. I know absolutely nothing about that.

Would you rather live somewhere that had hurricanes or tornadoes? Neither, thanks.

Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? No.

When was the last time you saw hail? It’s been several years, actually.

What is on your mind right this second: A lot of things.

Have you ever given a nickname to your pet(s)? Uh, yeah. Countless nicknames.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s been awhile. Hair doesn’t really grow there for me, so.

Do you ever try free samples at the store? Not usually, but I have. Especially at Costco.

Do you like boys with long hair? My personal preference is short hair.

Do you like root beer? I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Root Beer. I used to not like it at all, then I could tolerate it if that’s all there was and I wanted something, and then there have been times where I’ve actually wanted it and enjoyed it, so. *shrug* It was never a first choice, though.

What is the best fast food place, in your opinion? I’m gonna count Wingstop as fast food.

Do you have faith in yourself? No. :/

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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aplaceforthesoul · 3 years

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i’ve been having a really hard few months and struggling to live and act how i used to but i feel awful for it because i havent been there for my friends and i’m not the only one who has problems and i feel so selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me and well i mean for example a friend of mine is working on recovering from an addiction and i want to help him stop but i keep hitting a wall whenever i try to let myself talk to him it doesn’t happen my head won’t let me it’s like im trapped in my own bubble of what feels safe and i cant leave it and i just feel so awful and useless because i cant help my friends im worried for all of my closest friends and on top of that im just afraid that they wont love me anymore if i keep being so hard to deal with and i just feel awful that that part feels important enough to keep in. i am so afraid about so many things that shouldn’t matter as much as the hard things that can happen to the people i care about and i am afraid by knowing that these things take up my mind and i am afraid that even if no one is trying to directly shut me out i am ruining things with them and for them and i feel like the only thing that will help them is to leave me but i am so afraid of being left alone that i am just trapped here. and i feel like i’m being so over dramatic and i havent been able to have a real conversation with any of my friends not because they’re trying to hurt me but because everyone has so many problems of their own and it’s hard work to deal with someone like me and they don’t say all of that and they truly aren’t being mean to me and it isnt their fault it’s just that i somehow made it to a place where i might stay forever and i’m as bad at asking for help as anybody could be besides sending awfully desperate messages that shouldn’t need a response but still scare me to not ever have one. idk i’m just. really stressed and i feel like as a person i dont know how to deal with so many situations that i should understand by now and i should be able to navigate without falling apart every time i get near them. and i feel Bad About It!!!!

any problems or concerns that you have aren’t stupid at all, not in the slightest, not even a teeny tiny bit. they matter! they really do – just because you think that other people have “bigger problems” doesn’t mean that it cancels out anything else and invalidates issues that you might have. you might not be struggling with an addiction but you’re plainly struggling with other issues instead (such as anxiety), and that does matter.

I think we can all agree that we have a “responsibility” of sorts to help our friends when they’re in trouble, like that’s part of what it means to be a friend?! however…it’s not your fault if you can’t fix all of your friend’s issues and concerns. that’s exactly why counsellors exist, why therapists who specialise in addiction exist, why psychologists exist?! collectively we as a society have recognised that there are deep and complex issues that need more than just a casual level of support. they’ve gone to school and had years of training to be able to help support people with mental health issues. that’s why training and study exists! because these are not easy and straightforward issues to solve. you can absolutely be there for your friend if they need it, but it’s not realistic to expect yourself to be able to resolve all their issues for them.

I think when it comes down to it? you’re too hard on yourself, you place yourself under way too much pressure. it’s good to be critical of ourselves at times, that’s what can help us to change and to grow? but statements like “I feel I’m being over dramatic”, “I keep being so hard to deal with”, “I feel selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me”….all of these sound so harsh towards yourself ): I know that I don’t know you personally, but being this critical isn’t healthy. you’re only human! and you sound like such a caring and compassionate person, if you find yourself getting caught up with your own worries I think that just shows how terrible and distressing things are for you.

so what to do now, how to get find some answers and resolve some of this pain and distress? reach out for help, that’s the best advice I can give. I know it’s not easy and I know it can feel very vulnerable but it’s so important to do it. if you feel like you just can’t talk to friends about things then you could try making an appointment to see the welfare counsellor at school? or you could try talking to your parents if you have a fairly ok relationship with them, or maybe you could make an appointment with your local doctor without needing parental support if you don’t want to tell your parents just yet? there’s lots of people that you can reach out to for support that don’t have to be friends, but reaching out for help and letting people know what’s going on is key. you need help, you deserve help.

it’s good to be there for your friends, but it’s so important to be there for you as well. you know how on flights (in the good old days pre-covid where we got on planes to travel haha), the safety procedures always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others? same concept applies here, sometimes it’s best to help yourself first and get to a place of relative calm and stability before attempting to help others. your life doesn’t have to be tip-top perfect with no dramas before you can help your friends?! but if you’re in this much distress and anxiety and pain, you need to look after yourself first. it’s not selfish to do that, promise.

this post talks more about how to go about finding a therapist, if that isn’t something you’ve done before? and you’re more than welcome to ask us all the questions too, nothing is silly and we won’t judge you at all. just reach out for help, speak up, prioritise yourself and your well-being, you deserve it. let us know how things go <33

- tash

#advice #mental health #stress #anxiety #Anonymous

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 years

Text

14. A Shot in the Dark Part 2

Upfront: It has been a long time since I’ve known somebody who got shot (well enough) to have the exact parameters of how the hospital etiquette is, so I’m basically going to tap into the last time, and since that was about a decade ago and also in my hometown, Idk how far off the way that they handle it is. I’ll try to fill in the spaces with how not as close associates have portrayed their experiences with similar crises and maybe pepper in a little imagination for flow of story. But, the main takeaway is that the chapter has a heavy police presence and I know that can be extremely difficult to digest for people.

He had been crying for most of the night. He wasn’t that adverse to crying. Physically, it was a good release for emotions that the brain was trying to process. He did wish that he could stop for longer than fifteen minutes here and there, but there was too much happening in his heart and mind. It had been two hours. The police had talked to him, then he had to wait for detectives, and they were a “good cop, bad cop” team that he would have expected only in a fictional work, and that was fitting, since none of this felt real.

The way that Grace’s body shivered in his arms, then just… stopped moving. The way that she wasn’t breathing and he was too scared to let go of her wound to try to administer CPR… The way that he was convinced that he was watching the love of his life die in his arms and the fact that she had been in surgery for two hours and nobody but police and detectives would speak to him about anything, yet, nobody would try to contact her family, despite him repeating to them that she was Ambassador Monroe’s daughter…

3:48 am - At least they had contacted Sunetra. Apparently, she was Grace St. Catherine’s listed emergency contact. She and Xander showed up about an hour after Simon had been sitting there, with the police. Whenever they came in, both of them noticed him and he could see that Xander looked equal amounts of confused, angry, and scared. Sunny was less readable, only seeming to be curious, but rushed over to him, while the police tried to intercept her. “What happened?” she asked, over their shoulders.

Simon stared at her, glanced at Xander, and even though everything in him wanted to say, “You left her to fucking die is what happened!” Instead, he said very softly, “Grace and I were on a date and she got shot…” Sunny had an emotional response. She began to let tears fall from her eyes, though the rest of her was unresponsive as the police gently guided her away, asking that she and Simon don’t talk.

Xander had a look of… realization and resignation. Simon was gonna cover for them again. He and Sunny could stick with the alibi that they would have used if Grace had been found dead in the alley… “Is she dead?” Xander asked, shaking and crying/

“Surgery…” Simon said, feeling… equal parts bad for him but still extremely pissed off. He knew that he cared, he did know that… but they just LEFT her. They left her to die, not knowing that Simon was there for her, to avenge her nor to save her. They had left her to die in an alley and would have just… moved on without her, like they’d done with Heath. He felt his own tears forming again, angry ones this time around and he wiped at them with his sleeve. She deserved better.

At least now, he was ready to make his phone call. He just… didn’t want to potentially be arrested if Grace was gonna be alone. Hopefully, somebody would call her parents. She wasn’t close to them, but she loved them a lot, and they deserved to know where she was. She deserved to have them there for her. “Mom…”

“Simon? Baby, it’s 3 am, what in the world is going on?”

He sobbed and said, “Grace was shot..”

He heard the wind leave his mother like she’d just been hit. “Oh my God, Simon. Baby, I am so sorry. Where are you, I’ll come right down!”

“I’m at the hospital. The police want to talk to me. I’m scared that… That they’ll make me leave her here… that they might arrest me.” There was a pause, and he knew that she was trying to process something… “I was just trying to protect her. I killed somebody… He shot her and I…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. It wasn’t even the fact that he had done it, but telling his mother was… harder than he imagined when he mustered up the courage to call her.

“I’m gonna call the lawyer and come down there. What hospital?”

Simon wrote something on her hand.

It's not the first thing that she noticed. That was the room. A hospital room. What happened? For a moment, she didn’t even know who she was, much less where exactly she was and why, but her brain read her surroundings as a hospital room, and whatever happened, she felt very fuzzy headed and resolved not to say anything aloud until she could figure out more about what happened and why.

The second thing that she noticed was the badge.

It had a visceral and sobering affect on her. She thought about the ACAB button on her favorite canvas bag and her body felt actual elevated pain at even seeing the symbol - a symbol she hated and did not trust. The badge holder spoke, seeing that she was now awake, she mentally noted, not caring that she couldn’t POSSIBLY look like she was capable of holding a conversation, because she still was trying to figure out what happened. “Miss St. Catherine?”

“Monroe,” she groaned. Bitch, was that YOUR voice? She wondered, hearing something that sounded gross and pained come out of her and feeling a tremendous strain as the word flowed from her lips, even as her mind told her not to say THAT. Monroe. She hadn’t used that name in years, but… her brain still automatically spat it out when addressed. “Ugh…” she finally remembered more. Monroe. That’s correct. She had parents and her last name, from them had been Monroe. It took her a while to push out her explanation - both energy and concentration that the badge holder allowed her to power through. “I’m the daughter of Gethsemane Monroe… and Ambrose! Ambrose Monroe. Call him… My father… I’m… hurting…”

The third thing that she noticed was her pain. You’d think it would be instant, but her brain spent so much energy trying to formulate words and connect them to thoughts of questions that she hadn’t. But, by God, now she did.

“You’ve gotten medical attention, but we will contact your parents.”

“Cool. They’ll call the family lawyer.”

“You think that you need a lawyer?”

“I don’t think that you should talk to me in my condition. Can hardly think, and I’m in pain. I’ve…” I’ve been shot! THAT’S what happened. She remembered. Her blood pressure spiked at this realization. “Simon!” Her voice was stronger, in her panic and she moved quite violently, only to realize that she was handcuffed to the hospital bed. Both her wrist and her gsw hurt in that moment and she laid down, breathing hard and holding herself with her free hand.

“Simon Laurent?” The badge holder had been unmoved by her sudden jolt, and unphased by her obvious pain.

“I hope that whatever is in this IV doesn’t make me forget that you’re trying to talk to me in my condition, after the fact that I asked for my lawyer. I hope that they have a lot to say about me being chained to this bed after getting shot.”

The doctor had arrived to check on her and the detective ducked out, with Grace glaring at him. They brought her blood pressure down, gave her more pain medicine and spoke to her about her injuries and procedures. “Am I going to make it?”

“I think so. Good thing that your friend was there.”

“Simon! Is he okay?” her pulse shot up.

“Please try to remain calm, Miss St. Catherine. He wasn’t harmed.” She sighed and rested against the pillow. That wasn’t what I asked… But, that was when she noticed it:

“Remember our last date night! XOXO Simon” The doctor left the room as she stared at the sloppily written message, knowing that even though it looked shaky and/or rushed that it was Simon’s handwriting and he MUST have written it while she was injured… she knew this was an important message. Our last date night? Like… last date-date, date night or last “date night” date night? No… not our last date. There’s nothing special about that. He had recently asked her about their “last date night,” so she knew that must have been what he meant. Remember our last date night! XOXO Simon…

She knew what she needed to do. She waited, trying to breathe and meditate, silently hoping and wishing that she knew Simon as well as she knew that he knew her. She looked at the clock in the room. 4:14 am.

4:58 am, a VERY handsome couple stormed into the hospital and Simon recognized them immediately. Even if he had never seen the photos, Grace was the spitting image of her mother - the woman didn’t even look old enough to have a daughter her age. They could easily pass for sisters, and with a slight variation of her skin tone and hair texture, they had the exact same face, build, and body language. (Though, Grace's body language most likely mimicked her mom's to pass for normalcy) Her father was… clearly rich, because that woman was definitely out of his league and his style was more of a conservative fashion than the clearly purposely fashionable wife, but that was an earlier thought Simon had… not necessarily one he had on this night.

The man was slamming his finger onto the counter and speaking very sternly to the poor lady at the desk. Whatever was happening wasn’t her fault, but Simon figured the police had been just as shitty with them as they’d been with him the past couple of hours. The woman turned and noticed him. She came over and his mother took his hand and intertwined their fingers, seemingly to give him strength. They weren’t sure WHAT Grace’s mother was going to say.

“You’re Grace’s boyfriend,” she said. Simon… knew that Grace said her mom was English, but hearing that voice come out of “Grace’s face” was a bit shocking at first. He nodded his head. If Grace hadn’t announced that they had broken up, this wasn’t the time to. Maybe she also hadn’t mentioned that she’d rushed off because he was stalking her. “Do you know what happened?” She wondered.

The police were a lot more accommodating with allowing her to talk to him than they had been with Sunny and Xander, who were also in the waiting room, with officers beside them, and had been presumably questioned when they’d been guided to the detectives earlier. Simon glanced at them and he saw that the police were staring at him, waiting for him to finally say something. If he wasn’t going to answer them, he would maybe answer this woman. He squeezed his mother’s hand and let himself tell her. “Somebody attacked Grace. She was shot,” he pointed to where. “She’s been in surgery. They won’t say more. The man that shot her… He was somebody… that she knew… from her past, I think,” he said, tilting his head, hoping that Mrs. Monroe would catch what he meant. She stumbled, ever so slightly, letting him know that she indeed did get it. “I killed him,” Simon said. It was more of a proud declaration than anything else. The woman looked… relieved. Simon didn’t know if he was imagining that for his own ego, or if he was simply too disoriented to note things properly. But soon, the doctor approached Grace’s parents and they rushed down the hallway with him. She’s alive. She’s okay… Simon felt himself take the first relieved breath that he’d had in hours.

5:17 am. Outside of her room, she could hear her parents fussing with someone. The other voice wasn’t very familiar, but she ultimately gathered that it was that badge that had been in earlier. He had a hard voice, which, although he was speaking in a low voice, it cut through the wall and sounded very sinister as he told her parents that she couldn’t receive visitors until they figured out what happened in that alley. An accent of “the Queen’s people,” Grace considered it. She wasn’t that great at telling a lot of those accents apart, and found out that people snobbishly point out that their accents are special. Their accents are different. If they had the Queen listed whenever she looked them up online, she just threw it in a bucket. It was an effort on her part NOT to think about linguistics. In fact, she furrowed her brows that she was thinking about it so naturally just from hearing an Australian accent through a door. Damn it.

Her father spoke about the constitution, warned the dick that he knew the law, and her mother insisted that he was incompetent, subhuman, and corrupt. The door opened and the man returned, leaving her parents outside.

“Miss Monroe, or Miss St. Catherine, or whoever you wish to be called these days. Your parents have been alerted and they want to see you. Your boyfriend is out there, speaking to my partner. If you want to get your side out, I would suggest that you do so now.”

She frowned. Her side? Simon wasn’t telling on her. He wouldn’t. She looked at the note on her hand. This cop is trying to get under your skin, Grace.

“People sure do seem to die around you a lot. Hopefully, he'll realize that sooner, rather than later." He adjusted her blanket and smirked, his icy blue eyes seemingly having nothing human behind them as he covered up her still cuffed arm. "But, maybe I'm misunderstanding the facts. Maybe it's not what it looks like. Maybe you weren't trying to attack someone when they shot you in self defense, only to be murdered moments later by some poor fool under your spell."

Now, Grace smirked, but she was in enough pain that it could be mistaken for a wince, if Mace wasn't so receptive. "Yes. You ARE wrong."

"Explain it to me. Simon's certainly explaining it to my partner."

Sieve: Just explain to me what happened

Simon: Is Grace okay?

Sieve: Whatever you know, it could only help her.

Simon: (Sighs) I've already told the police and I also told you and your partner. That guy shot her and I shot him. He attacked, I reacted.

Sieve: What led up to it?

Simon: It happened really fast.

Sieve: Start from when you first saw him. We’ve got time.

Simon: Ummm… he seemed to come out of nowhere to me I don't know.

Grace: I spotted him throwing the trash out back there and I recognized him. I thought he might not recognize me, but if he did... I... Didn't want Simon to know. (Lowers her eyes to the note on her palm. Clenches her fist.) He doesn't know about my past. I didn't want him to know that I was... Product... And I certainly never expected to run into the man who had turned me into product…

Sieve: Did she say who this man was?

Simon: No... She... (Taps into Grace's personality. ‘If I were brainstorming the actions of a character like Grace, how would I outline her response to this line of questioning?’) She seemed paranoid. Secretive. I didn't know him, but I had a feeling that she didn't want me to, so I tried to give her space. I gave them too much of it…

Grace: I tried to get some distance between Simon and I to get a closer look at the guy. It was dark and I didn't know if my past was playing tricks on my mind. It's been almost 15 years now… I didn't really believe myself to be seeing him again, especially in such a random place as this alley.

Mace: But it was him?

Grace: (nods head) It was dark. I was walking up on him and I asked him a question about that day. Are you the nice man with the pinky ring in the white limousine? I asked it out loud before I could stop myself or formulate a more tactful way to handle it.

Mace: And then what?

Grace: (Looks into his eyes) And then he shot me.

Simon: I don't KNOW what she said. I don't know what happened. It was dark and they were a little ways away from me. From what I COULD figure, he seemed to be trying to kill her. I simply reacted.

Sieve: By emptying your gun into him?

Simon: That's… that's how I practice at the range. I've been practicing a lot. I'm a pretty good shot. I just... Went into my practice mode. He was running, but I imagined the firing range targets when they move forward.

Sieve: He was running towards you?

Simon: (Pauses) No.. the other direction.

Sieve: So, you admit that he was running away when you killed him.

Simon: I… never denied that he was running away… AFTER he tried to kill Grace. (Hands shaking in anger and frustration)

Sieve: But, instead of self defense, as you claimed, this sounds like revenge for shooting your girlfriend.

Simon: If you could only be self-aware enough to realize how absurd that is coming from the police. You all shoot people all the time out of fear. Unarmed people who aren't even being violent. This monster shot at us!

Sieve: At her. After she rushed up to him in the dark, in presumably a confrontational manner.

Simon: Why do you presume that?

Sieve: It sounds like your girlfriend rushed upon this man, if it happened so quickly that you can’t form how exactly it did happen. How far away would you say you were from him?

Simon: (Flares nostrils) I didn't measure.

Sieve: (More pensievely than accusatory) But, in the dark, with him moving in the opposite direction, you were a very precise shot. It was not well lit, he was an unknown distance away. Your girlfriend was probably on the ground by then. All on short notice, and in a random alley behind this man’s job. You hit him with every bullet in your gun. You didn't miss at all, and still had time to apply pressure to the wound and call 911.

Simon: I’m a quick thinker and I've been practicing.

Mace: So, the victim…

Grace: Me?

Mace: The murder victim.

Grace: The attempted murderer.

Mace: Had ties to someone you knew. Someone we spoke about before. Heath Farmer.

Grace: (Pulse accelerates. Face becomes firm) I don't believe that.

Mace: The night that Farmer died, he had been a part of a b&e, two of the culprits escaped. The homeowner didn't get a good look at them, but noted that they were all dressed alike and wearing masks. Some time later, a man was taken from his home, not to be seen again. His wife, who hadn't been on the scene when Farmer died, described the kidnappers in a similar fashion as Farmer had been dressed that night. Same exact clothing that was removed from your person for surgery.

Grace: (Unbothered) Sounds like they were stylish.

Mace: 148. That's what you told the police whenever you were initially arrested for beating a girl almost to death.

Grace: A gang member who murdered a small child that police failed to protect.

Mace: Heath Farmer once had a number too, and I'm sure that if I were to go through all of your friends, I would find more numbers. More members of your gang. More murderers…

Grace: I'm sure that you’ll find that there is no type of evidence to indicate that I have murdered anybody, anywhere. The only thing that you have is the word of someone who described an outfit of some people who maybe tapped into a description that her husband gave her when he spoke about work.

Mace: I never mentioned anything about his work.

Grace: You mentioned that the wife’s description matched Heath's death at his murder scene. Either somebody let a civilian on the premises during an investigation, or the woman's husband was on the scene for work, since she was not, as you were happy to inform me. (Bats her eyes)

Mace: (Glares) You were able to pin numerous murders on so-called stewards, who wore all black clothes masks to cover their identities, and yet, in several disappearances over the past couple of years, we find the symbol associated with your old gang. The one that you got away with acts of violence by being rich and pretending to be crazy. Several of those same kids who were on the streets were there for a year while you were allowed to sit in a room, dance and draw pictures with crayons. Maybe the ringleader felt bad for abandoning them. Maybe these people who are disappearing are doing so because the princess has decided.

Grace: This is inappropriate. The detective.

Mace: Why would you and Farmer have matching outfits and be near people associated with the old Apex in the middle of the night? More than one occasion, and it be exactly the same as what the witness saw when her husband was taken?

Grace: My date with Simon was after practice last night, and Heath must have stopped by that man’s house on his way to practice that night.

Mace: Practice?

Grace: (Deadpan) We have a dance crew. (Stare at each other) You can verify it with the Infinity Train Foundation Center. Sometimes we practice there and most of our performances have been there. For the kids.

Mace: You never said that you had practice on the night of his death. (Smirks)

Grace: I said that we cancelled some plans to hang out with Simon. Those plans were practice that night. My other friends wanted to size him up and Heath didn't make it to the little meet and greet. Maybe he was as unfortunate as me. Maybe he saw somebody that he just couldn’t stand not to address. Maybe that’s why he was killed, as opposed to wounded or apprehended for questioning. Sure would have made your job easier than this plot of yours to give me details of the investigation. You might think that you’re programming me to know stuff that I’m not supposed to know so that later that knowledge can be used against me, but I promise, I’m not as stupid as you think.

Mace: (Fumes in frustration as Grace stares at him, emotionless)

Grace: Are you on the take? Is that why you’re so passionately trying to pin cold blooded murder on an internationally recognized children’s book series author?

Mace: Maybe it’s him who’s in your pocket. Unfortunate young man who brings joy to children is a good, strong alibi for a murderous former gang member and child prostitute…

Grace: (Spits in his face)

“Book me for assault for that if you want to, but you don’t have SHIT else on me,” she hissed. “I can’t wait to tell my lawyer what you just said to an injured SURVIVOR of child trafficking, homelessness and the subsequent street violence brought on by aforementioned abuse. I’m a recovery success story, philanthropist, child welfare advocate, and payer of so many taxes… The way that my dad and the DA might as well be fucking each other, they’re so close, and you take my physically and mentally traumatized body, cuff it to a bed while I’m striuggling for my life, and question and accuse me while I’m under medication... I feel like… You should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, ``Do you want to fight me?” He wiped his face with her blanket, uncuffed her and left the room.

Her parents were speaking with her lawyer whenever he came out. “Going to take Mr. Laurent to the station for more questioning,” he said.

“What?” Mrs. Laurent wondered, walking up with coffee for Mrs. Monroe that she had gone to fetch while waiting for Simon to finish speaking with the other detective. “Simon already told us all that he did what he did in self defense!”

“Other things have come to light, namely that the murder victim…”

“The assailant who tried to kill my daughter,” Mrs. Monroe corrected, infuriating him as well as her daughter had.

“WAS affiliated with the organisation that disbanded and became known as the street gang that your daughter was part of…”

Mrs. Laurent gasped. “Street gang? What are you talking about?”

“What he’s talking about is something that he has no legal RIGHT to talk about and now you’ve just slandered my daughter to a woman who only knows her after her terribly haunting childhood of being forced into a life of crime.” Mrs. Laurent’s eyes were already red from crying, and now they were simply confused, as well. “Mrs. Laurent… Our legal team already has representatives here on behalf of Grace. I’m more than happy to extend their services to Simon, as well.”

“I don’t know that we can afford something like that…” the woman said.

Mrs. Monroe doubted that Simon would have a problem with good legal representation, as she definitely already researched his net worth, but it was true that he didn’t have a team like the one that they did. “Don’t be silly. Our children come first, and it's clear that they are under attack right now. Why else would we be even be entertaining the notion that two beloved pillars of the community are somehow orchestrating a conspiracy theory to…” she gave Mace a look, “What were the claims? Killing a child trafficking gang member?” She finally took her coffee from Mrs. Laurent’s shaking hand, blew on it and took a sip, staring at Detective Mace, for dramatic effect.

It burned her tongue, but she didn’t flinch.

Sieve came from the room that he had been allowed to use in order to speak with Simon and he and Mace touched base, going over the discussions. Simon hugged his mother and Mrs. Monroe stared at the detectives. Her husband approached with the DA on his cell phone to speak with Mace. They watched as he stammered and tried to explain things, then he handed the phone back and punctuated with conversation (pointed at Simon), with, “We’ll be in touch if further questioning comes about. At this moment, no charges will be filed.”

Simon’s eyes smiled and he politely said, “Thank you so much, for everything that you do to keep citizens safe.” Mace knew he was being sarcastic, though there was nothing to prove it and the Monroes had just made it clear that this entire lot would be a unified effort. In fact, the woman was rubbing Simon’s back and talking kindly to him while his mother offered him her coffee cup. Mace left angrily. Sieve seemed less upset, but he always was.

The police were going to stay around for a while, and Grace was only allowed 3 visitors at a time. First, she saw her parents and the lawyer. Then, she saw Sunny, Xander, and Jalicia had come in too, by then. Then, her mom brought Mrs. Laurent in and the woman was trying to be very strong about having had it sprung on her this morning about Grace’s past and the entire situation with the police and things. Grace was extremely tired by the time that Simon finally got around to coming in. So tired, that she only saw his face, smiled, held his hand and fell to sleep, with him and the clock watching over her. 8:41 am.

15. I Trust Him With My Life

#AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics #People Watching

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ijustwant2write · 5 years

Text

Delirious Confessions-Bucky Barnes x Stark!Reader

Requested by anonymous

Masterlist

(GIF credit to @bishopl)

Summary: ‘Can you write a Bucky Barnes imagine where his feelings for the reader come out when he gets hurt and is delirious from the pain medication as she watches over him and she confronts him about it later? Bonus if the reader is Tony Stark's sister and Tony and Steve are there for the original confession (Cap knows and keeps Tony away as they talk later)? Idk if that made sense but thanks anyway’

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Stark!Reader, Tony Stark x Reader (siblings), Steve Rogers x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

Warnings: Mention of bullets, blood, injuries, anaesthesia, operating, fluff

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“(Y/N), we’ve got an emergency coming in.” Helen informed me as she poked her head into my office.

“Emergency? From the mission?” I asked, trying to remain calm.

“Yeah, something went wrong on the mission, Sergeant Barnes has been shot.”

“OK, get the team set up, we’ll meet the others on the landing bay. How long will they be?”

“They’ll be landing in ten minutes.”

“Good, that’s enough time to get set up.”

I relaxed slightly, thankful that Bruce was on the scene to help. Bucky being a super soldier had an advantage, he would heal faster, however we would have to have more anaesthesia, more than usual anyway. But I was relieved that there was only one casualty, not that this wasn’t awful enough. I led my team to the landing bay, a stretcher and drip being pushed alongside us, Helen and I holding tablets that would monitor Bucky’s vitals. The ten minutes went by quickly, watching the jet land before we entered, getting help from Steve and Tony to get Bucky onto the stretcher.

“What happened?” I asked, entrusting Helen to continue giving out orders.

“Ambush, they had more weapons than we accounted for, more powerful too. Bucky got into the firing line to save Nat.” Steve explained.

“OK, how many times was he hit?”

“Twice, shouldn’t be fatal though.” Tony inputted.

“Alright. He’ll be fine, I’ll start operating straight away. Everyone else alright?”

“Yeah, just a couple of bruises.”

“Good, get some rest.” I hugged Tony, kissing him on the cheek. We always did this after his missions, even if he was coming back at two in morning I would wake up to greet him. I’d been so close to losing him on multiple occasions, I couldn’t lose my family.

Bucky was laying down on the bed, the nurses cutting off his clothes around his torso. There was a lot of blood, and it was clear to see where the bullets were. This was a procedure I had done many times, so I wasn’t nervous, but the only thing concerning me was how out of it Bucky was. He was slowly going under, and I knew he was going to be delirious long after. He hadn’t had an operation like this with us before, he was always nervous about this sort of thing after HYDRA. But it had to be done.

After a successful removal of the bullets, we left Bucky to rest for a few hours. I joined the Avengers to debrief their mission, having to add my notes to the meeting. Everyone was relieved to hear about Bucky’s recovery, and I was able to understand the situation clearly. It was selfless, he hadn’t hesitated to jump in the line of fire. I could see that Nat was feeling guilty, despite everyone reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault. After the meeting was finished, I took Steve and my brother to see Bucky, assuming that he would be awake by now. Anyone could see Steve was worried, despite Bucky being fine. Though I would be the same if it was Tony, Bucky was family to him.

As we entered his hospital room, Bucky was sat up in bed, looking down at his injuries, his head lulling. He was still drowsy and I wasn’t expecting him to even speak.

“How you feeling Buck?” Steve asked.

“Where’s (Y/N)?” Bucky mumbled.

We looked at each other, wondering why he was asking for me.“I’m right here Bucky. What’s wrong, do you need some painkillers?”

“No, I’m fine. But I need to tell you something.”

“OK.” I stood beside him.“What is it?”

“I just...I need to tell you that...” his eyes were closed as his head dropped back onto his pillow. He took a deep breath before speaking again.“I’m not good at this. I needed to tell you that I have feelings for you.”

My eyes widened, cheeks blushing.

“I’ve kept them hidden because, well because you’re amazing, and I didn’t think you would go out with a guy like me. A...a guy who...who has a metal arm, who has done the things I’ve done. You’re so caring, and beautiful, and smart and...and so much more.”

Steve and Tony watched on in shock, my brother’s expression unreadable. Was Bucky actually confessing something true or was he too drugged up to realise?

“I had to get this out because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me. And I’ll never know, especially in this line of work. I’ve had these feelings for a long time and for some reason it felt right to tell you.”

“Bucky, I think you need to rest, take some more time to sleep it off.” Steve stepped in, sensing the tension.

Bucky slowly nodded, settling back down as I checked his vitals again, following Tony and Steve out of the room. I was speechless. What just happened? Bucky had confessed how he felt about me. I had never had any indication to this. Sure, he was a good friend of mine, we had cleared up everything after the accords, but having feelings for each other? I hadn’t ever put much thought into that; well maybe a little. Though no one needed to know that. It would be unprofessional, maybe it would mess up the team...or perhaps not.

The three of us were stood in the kitchen, silenced by Bucky’s confession. I started making coffee for everyone, almost as a distraction from what just happened. I wondered whether to speak up about it, or to just let it slide. I mean, we were all there, we all knew what he had said.

“He was delusional right?” I started.“I mean, he’s under a lot of anaesthesia, he could say anything.”

“But his words were very specific.” Tony pointed out.“They weren’t muddled up or random sentences. He knew what he was wanting to say.”

“Tony, why would Bucky-”

“Why would he like you? You heard what he said, all those things he told you.”

“Is it really that important at this moment in time?”

“Well yes.”

“Tony, I think we need to drop it for now.” Steve interrupted.“Let Bucky recover and get them to talk it out between them. I understand you’re looking out for your sister, but she is an adult.”

“I know but...it was out of the blue. You know what he did-”

“Tony!” I snapped.“We don’t talk about that anymore, we got past that. Look, just drop it, it’s not like he confessed his feelings to you.”

“I’m just being protective, you know I won’t control this.”

“Good. Speaking of which, I need to consult my team. I’ll see you guys later.”

Even though I desperately tried to not think about it, Bucky’s words kept on repeating. Obviously I didn’t mention this to my colleagues, out of sheer embarrassment as well as having no relativity to his condition. He was babbling away like anyone else under heavy anaesthesia. That’s what I kept saying anyway. He looked so vulnerable, scared that this was the last chance to tell me all these things. The last time I saw that look on his face was when he first arrived at the base, having to take residency here as he began his recovery from being the Winter Soldier.

Tucking my tablet under my arm, I made my way back to Bucky’s hospital bed, wanting to check on him again. It had been a few more hours since his confession, and I had to check on him anyway; I was scared that if anyone else did he would say the same things about me, and rumours and gossip would start to circulate. I flinched as someone suddenly walked out of a room to my right, and I was surprised when I realised ti was Tony.

“What are you doing down here?” I asked nicely.

“Thought you might want the company.” he simply replied.

“Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that I could be going to see Bucky?”

“No, not at all.”

“Tony,” Steve now appeared,“we need your help.”

“Really? What with?” he didn’t look phased.

“Bruce has found something. Wouldn’t explain it to me, said I wouldn’t understand.”

“I’ll be up in five.”

“No, he needs you now.”

“Go on, Bruce needs you.” I urged.

He hesitated, quietly sighing as he walked to Steve. Once he had his back turned towards me, I smiled at Steve, subtly nodding. He did so back to me, knowing why Tony was really following me. I wouldn’t have got rid of my brother easily by myself, thank god Steve was good at reading people.

Quietly entering Bucky’s hospital room, I wasn’t sure if I was pleased or not to see him awake. I was nervous now. Did he remember what he said? Would he even bring it up again?

“Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked, checking the monitors around him.

His voice was hoarse.“Drowsy. The cuts are slightly aching but nothing too extreme.”

“Good. You’ll be back up in no time.” I smiled.

“Thank you (Y/N), for fixing me.”

“Fixing you, that’s the first time I’ve heard that term.”

“You really did though.” We stayed silent for a few seconds until he spoke again.“(Y/N), I know what I said before, even if I looked like a lunatic.”

I stopped what I was doing, turning to face him.“You do?”

“Yeah. Everything was true. I never meant for it to come out like this but I’m glad it finally did. Steve has been on my case for a while.”

“Steve knew?”

“I think everyone knew, or had a feeling about it.”

I perched on the bed beside him, realising the seriousness of this.“So how come you never told me before? We’re friends, I would have listened.”

“It’s not exactly easy to tell a woman you like about your feelings, especially out of the blue.”

My head ducked down, blushing again.“No, I guess not. I would have done the same thing.”

“We’re hopeless at this.” he chuckled.

“Yep. I was never one for the boys, I was always the nerdy, introverted girl that no one wanted to go out with. I had my head too much in my books studying.”

“That just meant that those guys didn’t see your potential. They’re stupid for not seeing you for who you are.”

I finally looked at him.“I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me. You really have a way with words.”

“Well I had time to think about what I was going to say.”

“So you really meant it?”

“Every word. I haven’t been this seriously injured in a while, it put everything into perspective. I can’t waste anymore time, not after what I’ve been through.”

“And I won’t either. Work has always come first, never myself. I have to change that too.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I mean, it’s very out of the blue. Maybe we should take things slow, see where this goes.”

“I understand, I wouldn’t expect us to rush into anything. Especially since your brother won’t be a big fan at first.”

“At first?”

“I’ll bring him round, don’t you worry.”

“Wow, that’s a bold statement. I’ll hold you to that, rather you than me.”

“Well if he doesn’t like it and takes it out on me, I’ll rely on you to look after me.”

“And I’ll be waiting, bandages in hand just in case.”

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