#and im afraid i will eat them all

[minecraftbookshelf]

At this point the only thing keeping me from adding other characters from mcyters into this world is the fact that it would, eventually bring me to the point of "Xornoth and Scott's little sibling, Aimsey" and at that point there is no salvaging the original storyline.

It's a whole separate au that I'll have to come back to after this one is more or less done

#rivendell siblings #rivendell siblings extended edition #i have to talk myself down from this every other day or so on average #xornoth #aimsey #guqqie would be an axolotl hybrid from the ocean kingdom for the record #who ends up being somewhat awkwardly courted by the youngest prince of rivendell and its v cute #owen is scott's only non bird or sheep friend #lauren is his only OTHER non bird or sheep friend #and also a member of the rivendell council #xornoth hired her specifically because she will yell at them without hesitation #look i have put THOUGHT into this okay #martyn is doing SOMETHING im afraid to think too hard about it tbh #hes probably harassing jimmy whatever else hes doing #honestly just might make a oneshot for all this #the au of the au #Beky would be in the swamp because osmp lizard origin lives rent free in my head #Eloise has won the soup eating contest at the rivendell county fair for five decades running #Michela is Aimsey's partner in crime the way Owen is Scott's #i can keep going but this tags essay is getting long rip me #rain rambles #smajor1995 #marriage of state au

[gildeddlily]

my honest reaction when blue lock

#he's talking ab kaiser and ness! too bad i'm alr in love with them #at first i was afraid bc someone in a fic called kaiser a nazi and I was like UH??? but now i'm reading the manga and he isn't!!! #at least i hope (please jesus don't do this to me i may be your toughest soldier but i'll break all the same) #i have so many screenshots #im gonna post a miles long thing with every one of them i swear to god #I FUCKING HATE SOCCER #blue lock #bachira meguru #michael kaiser #isagi yoichi #alexis ness #he's so pretty omfg i need to eat him

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[esoteric-dyke]

i want to taste life like

fruit on an

early december morning

like one of those early summer stone fruits

that you see

and buy excitedly at the store-

a cherry a lychee a nectarine a child

a sun that pushes my sweat slicked

hair back behind my ears

and kisses the salt

off my lips-

its pulp pulls at my teeth

and gets stuck

and juice cascades

from the corners of my lips

i have never been alive before this moment

i will never be alive again

buy me a mango

when you get the groceries

today and we will

eat and feel its flesh

under our nails

#OK this one isnt done or edited at all #wrote in a blind frenzy while wating cherries + playing guitar #but the Beloved keeps telling me to post and im afraid ive been pressured #blame them #modern poetry #original poem #poetry #poem #poems on tumblr #love poem #prose #fruit #i think i still maintain that to live and to love id to eat fruit #to pull it apart in ur hands to feel it stick to the roof of ur mouth to wipe your face of the juice and the pulp and the blood #as u and the fruit merge into one eternal being who dxists in the space between seconds before dying #or something like that #ALSO tumblr banned me from giving my poems titles so this one is titleless sorry bbs

[miamicommune]

.

#nothing i do ever feels right. #i stew in loneliness and i want to tear myself to pieces #i start talking to a bunch of people and it makes me feel completely hollow and dissociated. #im productive and i burn out #im unproductive and i burn out #i eat well im miserable i eat badly im miserable. #all good things are a waste when they're directed at me. im too jaded or numb or afraid to appreciate them #god just. what's the point. like in any of this. im so sad.

[floorpancakes]

its about perspective dont look at me

#LISTEN #we used to be a real country #i say knowing tsuba was always the favoured sister series #but COME ON NOW.... #i suppose they both got iconic spots #they should make clamp in wonderland 3 that is just douwata #im joking i love the variety but i want to eat up more holic content yum #unless the holic content is a weird plot twist in rei or something #if the continuation after all that hiatus time ends up being a tsuba fetch quest or making watanuki clow im going to start #punching people #and hitting clamp with large hammers #i love clamp but i have one eye open at night imagining the things that could go wrong with rei #it has to be said #this isnt what this post was about OOPS #xxxholic #i know 99 percent of the few clamp fans there are left are tsuba mains #and that it has always been this way #dont question my actions its ok be not afraid #its clamp i have beef with lol #but also clamp r so cool #but also i have beef iwth them #such is being a clamp stan #twitter repost #rambling dont mind me #**meant to say 99 percent of the holic fans are tsuba mains #makes me feel kinda awkward cause im not a fan of tsuba altho im down to give it another try later #and i feel. mixed feelings as to clamp has handled their connection #especially cause it feels like holic is the 'losing side' and was always less favoured #but thats old news by now it just makes me nervous to bring that up now i actually follow a lot more fans Lol

[arcaneyouth]

whats the nicest way i can explain the concept of rationing to my family without calling them stupid cunts and whores and reminding them about that one time i was literally starving because of them

#they ate all the fucking cookies from my aunts which you would think is not a big deal but ohoho! #i have literally said out loud to them many times this week that they never leave food for me and its exhausting #i thought they got the message #and what do i find going downstairs excited to eat the special treat my aunts give us once a year? #nothing. #they didnt even leave the shitty ass baby candy canes for me. #i had 1 cookie. out of 15. in a house with 6 people in it. #because they cant give enough of a shit about me to remember i exist #***after i explained this to them MULTIPLE. MULTIPLE TIMES THIS WEEK*** #BECAUSE IT WAS THANKSGIVING AND THEY NEVER LEAVE LEFTOVERS AND I WAS AFRAID #AFRAID BECAUSE THAT COULD BE SOME MEALS FOR A WEEK OR TWO AND MY RATIONS WOULD LAST LONGER #AFRAID THAT THEY WOULD EAT EVERYTHING AND I WOULD STARVE AGAIN #the only reason the Thanksgiving food isnt gone is because im the only one with the patience to crack open crab legs with a butter knife #like . do they not fucking understand the reason i own a minifridge is because i am so terrified of running out of food #so i need a place to hide it away before they can take it from me #they clearly fucking don't. #i know its just some cookies i know i know i know but oh my God they're going to kill me some day #just like they nearly did a year ago #and the worst part is its not actively malicious. #they just dont care to remember i exist. #vent post #negative #anyways advice on how to confront them without stabbing them to death would be awesome

[ask-calico-jack]

drug recs for a first time drug doer? I've drunk alcohol obviously but never done anything harder.

Other than booze which I love, Rhino Horn is definitely my favorite. Helps me get shit done but is also fun. But it's not like that for everybody. Eddie basically only does it when he's in a mood and Mary doesn't fuck with it at all, she's more of a stoner than a tweaker. Weeds fun every once in a while. I don't really like opium because you just sit around and nod off. You feel really happy but you don't do much and I like to be doing shit. Can't have a coconut war on opium, and it's a bit of a waste of medical supplies anyway. I basically only do it if there's nothing else on the boat. Mushrooms are great for an afternoon, kinda like weed in that it's for a special occasion where you want to sit around and giggle at stupid shit. You know if you mix mushrooms with lemon juice it dissolves em a little bit and it doesn't last as long but it hits you way harder.

#drugs #that lemon thing is real its called lemon teching #ooc: anyway im about to drop the real shit on you anon #first of all dont do meth. especially if you have adhd. the high to side effects ratio is completely not worth it #coke can be fun but not worth the price tag. doing someone else's coke is great #now all drugs have personalities but uppers and downers are like regular people and hallucinogens are like mythical creatures #mushrooms are a satyr of some kind casting spells to seduce your brain #and lsd is a lovecraftian monstrosity (affectionate) #the big thing with hallucinogens is you have to not be afraid of them or the trip will go bad #self fulfilling prophecy type shit #ideally you should also go in pretty secure in your sense of self because they will fuck with you #that said its a life changing experience i love it so much #ghb is good but watch out if you go overboard you will fall asleep and the night will be a bust #also always test and Do Not Inject #you can back out if you smoke it snort it or eat it but injecting it youre done #I know youre not actually interested in drug recommendations and are just giving jack the chance to say insane shit #but i have opinions #misc asks

[urostakako]

its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now

#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad #and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time #maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that #kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate #back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it #and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now #im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore #i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore #before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this #my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe #since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me #but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me #i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not #around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be. #my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is #crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life. #even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to #but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk #aricouldyounot

[epicdogymoment]

god im jealous of people who can enjoy food

#leologisms #not that i cant enjoy food at all but like. i react poorly to so many common foods #react as in like. im a baby and im i picky eater <- SORRY for this phrasing but im bitter and angry right now and being kind about it feels #impossible. not good of me to put it that way but i cant. i cant #and. its been so much worse lately.. food i can usually tolerate just fine and even enjoy a little has become nausea inducing #every meal is like fucking russian roulette with 5 chambers full #i dont eat enough and i eat too much and i dont feel like having meals because im afraid of hating them and im so hungry all the time #and i can never eat until im full. i just start to feel sick and hungry too. god #THE FUCKING VORE GUY HAS A DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD AND EATING. BIG SURPRISE #whatever. i cant be kind today

[craycraybluejay]

i hate everyone i hate life i hate fucking everything just fucking when is it over when do i get to see everyone else hurt like i hurt when do i get to my permanent holiday off this nightmare train.

#vent post #iwantagun.txt #no one gives a shit about me or you or anyone motivation culture is a scam that wants to eat your wallet #they want you to FUCK them or they want you to BE THEIR STRESS BALL or they want you to be a STATUS SYMBOL or anything anything at all but #a person with their own needs and feelings and pain #you give and you give and you take so much shit thinking you can change the cards you were played #you can't. #what's the point of playing at civility and turning the other cheek and sucking up when none of it does anything but make you feel pathetic #the people with any power in your life are almost always Not You and they often don't particularly care what you need or want #they don't care about maintaining a social contract with you they don't care about honouring your work with any kindness or reward #because as long as they SAY that what you're doing will get them to be good to you you will work that angle in the hope of good #and then they can just go back on it and entrench you deeper and deeper into servitude #until you realize theres no point to it and they throw you another bone so you lose your rationale again #no one repays their FUCKING debts. no one is charitable. to you it is your life to everyone it is just a game #this is NOT a game #i am not obligated to take anyones fucking shit!!! die!!!! #if i dont off myself before i get the chance i am putting every fucker who so much as looked at me wrong in hell #jail. in deep with organized crime. permanently sick. i dont care. i just want to know that they hurt and hurt and hurt till they die #i want them to be afraid. in agony. throw them those bones they threw me just to yank them away again and again #they have to pay. im never going to make it but all i wish for is to be just influential enough to do to them what they did to me tenfold #PLEASE come throw a good hard punch at me so I have a good excuse to beat your ass half to death #PLEASE break into my house so I can knock you over the head with a crowbar #PLEASE give me reason to finally get a little of that vengeance. of course you deserve it i know you did something like that to someone #i know you refused to help a friend when they were broke and homeless. i know you manipulated an ex into sex. i know you looked down on #someone that just needed help. i know you ignored your kid when they were sick. i know you did something. #I'm sick? violent? mad? sure. but YOU are the acceptable evil that builds that festering rage #you are the good bad thing that keeps the wheels turning and the lowest rung down where you agree they ought to be #you have it a long time coming

[whsprings]

.

#cw// ed #thinking abt. how i finally inched my way to the weight i have been wanting all this time #and its just in time for thanksgiving the infamous gorge yourself holiday #just in time for having to pretend like i eat three meals a day every day and dont mind having snacks at all whatsoever #just in time for my mom to look me over and ask if im doing okay with my 'therapy things' #like when did the cost of being okay with myself become my happiness and well-being?? #when did living in a body i can tolerate become being afraid of any meals that arent on my list of 0.2 foods i can deal with?? #when did a marginally smaller body become more important to me than living a full life?? #i saw the number on the scale and all i felt was this sense of doing something right. not joy not satisfaction not pleasure. #just 'okay. now do it again.' #theres a line in tbosas: i couldnt have killed them all for nothing #its the sunk cost fallacy. i couldnt have wasted all this time+money+effort just to end up my not as small(?) larger(?) self again #god i am so sad. and so angry.

[pepprs]

ok hi. not to be stupid about this publicly once again but it’s 5:34 am [update it is now 5:53 am] and i have gotten absolutely HORRIBLE sleep tonight. first bc i was so stressed that i couldn’t fall asleep until 1:30am. then because my sister is sleeping in our room again (long story) which is good for her bc she’s making progress w her ocd but it means that she comes in with h the flashlight on after 2am and has to check the room and she leaves the bedroom door wide open which distorts the white noise from the sojnd machine which is right in front of my bed. and she’s like laughing at stuff on her phone too so all the subtleties of sound and light disrupt me and wake me up and throw me off. and also it’s freakishly hot so i woke up a couple times bc of that. and now im awake at 5:30ish after barely sleeping for 4 hours bc im stressed bc it’s Passover and my moms bday and im leaving work early today and tomorrow for the “””””Seder””””” (which again literally is not a seder it’s just dinner w my grandpa) and barely have time to get anything done at work and haven’t done anything for my mom and have to clean the house for my grandpa to come over and we literally don’t even have a dinner table yet likr idkw aht the fuck we’re going to do.. and also im fucking STARVING. because guess what!!!! we have to stop eating bread!!!! and i usually have 4 slices with avocado / guac on them before i go to sleep but there were only 4 slices left in the whole house so i had 2 so my brother will get to have the other 2 during the day. and my stomach is howling rn. and we have other things to eat like fruit and stuff but nothing that’s not going to throw me off.. like im not about to eat an orange at 5:30am it’s going to set my throat on fire with the acid this early in the morning. and we don’t have any snack foods in this house or like anything that can be made without having to prepare it for a while bc of our diet (lol). and we don’t have any flatbread or tortillas or whatever yet. so im going fucking crazy and feeling resentful abt passover again and wondering what the hell im going to do going into work and not being able to eat bagels for breakfast after not being able to eat my bedtime snack and being this hungry and stressed and miserable for a week on top of everything else. lol

#purrs #food #religion tw #(sorry lol) #delete later #ive had a lot of conversations in the last few days (some of them w other jewe) and everyone’s assuring me it’s fine if i keep eating bread #if it’s for health reasons and im not going to experience kareth for that. esp bc i already do things on the kareth list and also gay sex is #on there too and there’s a lot of stuff on there abt ppl being impure for having their periods too so.. just my two sent’s but i think thats #all ​fucking insane and a clear sign that those rules were not made by god and that they were made by prejudiced human beings. bc i believe #in spinozas god i think. and spinozas god would not punish humans for being humans. and would not want humans to suffer and suppress #themselves out of worship. though im not saying that you shouldn’t suffer or suppress yourself or whatever or find meaning in that if you #want to like im thinking abt Yom Kippur and stuff. but idk. im so conflicted. i stirred up this whole big crisis for myself about being #jewish and it’s very embarrassing and i don’t want to die or doom my future children or go to hell or whatever but apparently that’s already #gonna happen to me for like.. not observing shabbat and almost certainly cutting fruit during Shabbat so. whatever. but continuing to eat #bread during Passover feels like a totally different thing to me. but also i know actual jewish ppl who do not observe passover and i don’t #judge them for that or think they’re doomed to kareth. so idk. it’s all so fucked up. i want to be full and i want to go back to sleep and i #want to stop worrying about religion and constantly being afraid im invoking cosmic consequences for living my life and wanting to make #choices that feel good for me. bc it s already so fucking hard to make choices when im worried abt my moms judgment and trying to not hurt #my family ang more than i already do by existing and feeling my way. bringing god into it too is a whole other level of distress and misery

[barnbridges]

frankly, i wish MY autistic burnouts were caused by shit as real as hiding that my 5 friends murdered someone.

#that's what that was and you cannot convince me otherwise #they just kicked my man from his high functioning era into just full executive dysfunction meltdown #and he's everything unhinged #and they don't make like. youtube video essays in the 80s. all he has is pussy and yelling at charles. #i mean like... one day when IM myself not in burnout i might explain why bunny's attitude while hiding the murder is a good example #of burnout and demand avoidance in autistic people #but just trust me until then that he both believes and doesn't believe anything he says #but he is certainly... real #that's what being “unmasked” is like when people are used to you being high masking #you're rude you eat like shit you're “unhinged” and afraid and you lash out at people #because you secretly want it because you always think they hate you and you're a nuisance #and sometimes you are! #but there's also the element of that...... he lashes out at THEM #he keeps THEIR secret. as much as he can. even when he knows it's wrong. #when he knows it damages HIM #because bunny undeniably loved the greek class. a lot. #and did what he did not only to keep himself safe but them. #but he also fucking hates them and wishes they died sometimes. #and is aware they don't know him don't like him #but the thing is.... i don't think anyone does in his mind truly know him and truly love him #so it's alright #i literally want to tear myself apart the way i UNDERSTAND the way that brain fucking works in that situation

[cerasum-chrysanthes]

I think Kumar got over his picky food phase. He used to eat only 200g cans of duck for a long time now. The 200g cans are more expensive than the 400g ones, so I was spending a lot more money than usual on catfood.

Offered him some other food I still had left (400g beef, chicken and shrimp) yesterday and he liked it and I also caught him eating some of Clawdias food which was something different. I still have like 20 cans of the poultry, chicken and shrimp type of food he used to eat for half a year, so maybe I can finally use those lol.

#i dont feed him all 400g at once btw just mentioning the can type because #when i got 400g duck he DID NOT eat that and would only eat the food out of the 200g cans #i did a side by side and showed that to a friend who also was like wow wtf he rly only takes the food from the small cans #apparently its something about how the food is cooked in the cans and the bigger cans needing longer cooking and then losing some flavour #cat #cats #kumar #clawdia #i wanted to get 800g cans but im afraid they wont eat that #that would save me the most money #i got lids to reseal them and putting them in the fridge keeps them fresh so i could use a can for like 3-4 days

[oatbugs]

AUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#waiting for smn is soooo #idk #idk how to feel what to think #anyway asked my friends for advice on it #they were all like u should have a convo abt it. bc like #emotional support is important in a relationship and receiving none of it is bad #like how come we r both having a tough time and yet so far i was like aw theyre having a horrible time theyre dealing w #depression thats why they cant support me :(( like. #im also having a tough time dealing w depression and ive been there 4 them consistently !!! and im sorry but like when i was horribly #depressed like 10x worse than this yrs ago i remember i still did my best to be there for whoever i was dating at the time #but rn its so one sided like im excusing a complete lack of emotional support under the category of mental health stuff #and even tho i told myself it was an explanation not an excuse it was in fact both. it was def an excuse #depression can make it hard for u to be there for others but when theyre ur partner and ur best friend and u cant even respond #to them stating how they feel properly that is bad !! viewing them telling u their current emotion or feeling bc thats what the topic is #as ~putting stuff on you randomly~ is bad!! #like fr whenever i feel sad i have to eat up my feelings and cry on my.own bc im afraid theyre not going to respond well to me telling them #that. its not like i vent or anything either (w/o asking. but i dont even do that) its just #UGHHH IDK #anyway ive been avoiding this convo w them for a while bc i have been trying to be patient and just. wait for them to get better #and maybe someday they would be there for me!! maybe my friends r all the emotional support i need if i feel so bad that i cant keep it in! #but its just not fair on me i think. ive been feeling shit too!!! i forgot that i existed #until i finally told my friends abt it and they were like. relationships r a two way street etc etc #anyway yh #idk how this will go x #taking some time away to collect my thoughts n so are they so