#and im so tired of being the only one openly talking abt and acknowledging that things are shit. everyone else is fucking silent

[anapologethicc]

:/

#i'm just so tired and upset like i don't even have the energy to be angry at this point #it's not the first time and it won't be the last i know this but it's just still just so upsetting #why am i always the only one more invested in relationships whatever they may be. I'm always more invested and i always get hurt #and i never fucking learn that there's no point in trying to communicate and with some people becuz it's pointless #they will never care as much as you and I'll feel guilty for expecting shit becuz i keep getting the excuses of im busy or tired #and I'm exhausted and im still trying to maintain a friendship with every single one of them like a stupid ass hoping they'll reciprocate #and they never fucking do and everytime i bring it up and try to communicate and shit. IM ALWAYS THE ONE TO COMPROMISE every single time #and im so tired of being the only one openly talking abt and acknowledging that things are shit. everyone else is fucking silent #i then end up looking like the crazy person becuz im the only one obsessed with fixing my relationships whereas nobody else really cares #they say they care. they say they'll try and it works for like a fucking week and then its back to the same old shit. #and it's always me who gets hurt and 10 steps back in my mental health. and everyone else is just fine and dandy and FUCK #it's not fair becuz i'm not a bad person and i try my hardest to be there for everyone and I AM. and i know that im not perfect but i try #im always trying to be a better friend and a better person. i don't know what im doing wrong and why nobody will put in the effort for me. #and it's alwyas just with me that they decide they can try a little less. oh ananya will understand and she'll be fine but like don't #i deserve friends who'll put in the same amt of effort and will listen and change or am i just not worth it and have never been #(i swore to myself i woukd not go down that path of thinking but like) when ur friends work on all their friendships and just don't try #when it comes to you it makes you wonder where you're lacking as a person and as a friend. and that's so fking shitty man #and ive tried so hard to fix things and im working on my mental health my school work and keeping up with everyone amd asking if they're ok #i hate feeling this sad like there is just this heaviness on your chest that won't go away and then you can't even breathe #and i just want everything to be okay and to be enough for just one fucking time in my life #i feel like such a shitty person complaining becuz i feel like i sound so ungrateful for what i have cuz im scared that nobody would really #wanna be my friend if my actual friends of years aren't even trying anymore. hais whatever #it'll prolly pass and im prolly just being overdramatic like everyone says :/ #time to sleep ig #to delete #just saw and heard sign of the times on the dash #i will now be sobbing to sleep #night yalls💖 #wishing everyone a wonderful day/night and hope everyone is doing okay🥺💕

[kayvsworld]

Could u convince be not to hate Steve 'Hypocrite' Rogers? I'm really trying not to hate him but whnever I think about anything to do with him I just get even angrier at him. MCU Steve is a repentless fuck up and I wanna know what u have to say about him? U don't seem like u hate him and u also love Tony so I figure u probably see stuff I'm not seeing and I wanna know what ;u; (mostly so I can stomach stony fics to widen my range of reading material) :p

steve rogers is a stubborn emotionally-constipated asshole. i also love him very very much. here are some post-cacw thoughts on why i still love him:

flawed characters are good, and the only reason we expect Perfection from This Particular Human Character is bc other people (and…the narrative….) put him on a pedestal. I can’t be mad at him for doing what he thought was the right thing, because as a fan of tony stark, i know that sometimes things that seem like a good idea at the time are maybe actually not always that great

issue: banking on the fact that your rich genius teammate and his team of lawyers will still get you and your friend out of a bad situation After you let him know that the friend in question murdered his parents a week before christmas and that you’ve lived in his house and looked him in the eye while Knowing Abt This for several goddamn years is uh. a v scary situation and potentially a bad plan for 19 reasons. prioritize the people you know are ride or die & cut ur losses

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™

ok but seriously have you ever had 6.3 billion Terrible Things happen to you in rapid succession, and then One More Thing comes along (to take away the only remaining thing in your life you can control and the only semblance of normalcy you have left) and you just. dig your heels in automatically and go “absolutely fucking not”

like i will personally bet you 5 canadian dollars that steve has been crossing his arms and glaring at the tv for months like “listen what else do they want us to do. we’re helping. we’re the good guys. they Have To See That we’re good people and we’re doing our best and we saved the world Come On if we just wait…maybe…….it will…..Be Fine without us having to do anything? maybe?” 

he’s been fighting to keep People™ safe for a While and it’s Apparently still not enough and he is probably tired and bitter and frustrated. also, last time he was working for/with a third party they turned out to be nazis and while i get that that 100% isn’t the same as a UN Panel (noT THE SAME, STEVEN) at some point you have to take a quote out of context, plant urself like a stubborn asshole tree, and say “actually no fuck you please just let me do the only thing that is giving my life meaning right now in a way that doesn’t make me feel trapped and afraid for myself and my team”

peggy (steve’s last connection to his life before waking up in the future) had just died, and bucky (steve’s surprise Actual last connection to his life before waking up in the future) has been having a Hell Time and is being targeted. sometimes when you find out your best friend has been brainwashed and tortured for 70 years, your bullshit meter maxes out and you (steve rogers, “fight me” personified) want to give the finger to anyone who wants to do absolutely else to that person. yes, getting him help was an option (the other option being some kind of prison?) but also, it still would have been someone else making that choice for bucky, and at some point yelling “can you please just leave him alone” with ur fists becomes a default reaction

as someone who regularly avoids things when i should really deal with them, i 100% believe that there is a large part of steve that genuinely thought he was protecting tony. sure, he was protecting himself and bucky, too, and he admits that openly, but i can buy that steve had been sitting on the couch for months listening to tony talk about Processing His Grief Through Technology and screaming internally like “would it truly and genuinely make it easier on this guy to know that his parents were brutally murdered by my friend and i’ve known abt it for 2 years when he’s still this messed up over it already oh my god”

the problems i have with a lot of steve’s choices really just come down to the film not giving him room to put up a legit argument. a lot of it was banking on me assuming that captain america & the team were correct bc they’re cap & the team in a captain america movie? if they had given steve a speech instead of a shitty letter, i’m sure i would have initially understood his side a lot better

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™ Part 2: The Letter

steve is not great at feelings. steve is not great at processing and expressing his feelings in a healthy way. steve is an all-or-nothing prickly bitch (see: every film he’s been in) and taking these excellent canon facts into account, i do actually genuinely believe that this dude forced himself to sit down while in hiding to write 12 different drafts of this letter by hand in cursive and eventually ended up with the monstrosity tony received

he can’t apologize for the accords situation, because he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he can only apologize for hurting tony. “i’m not sorry for what i did but i’m sorry that it hurt you” is a shitty thing to read and say but i guess at least,,,he,,,was honest? steven why didn’t you get a friend to proofread this letter

by saying that the avengers are more tony’s family than his, he probably thinks he’s acknowledging that tony cares about them and was doing what he thought was best. im personally for my own sanity choosing to believe that.

“i’ve never really fit in” aka “okay i definitely didn’t talk enough about where i was coming from at all for the past few…..years….and this was the only draft that included my ‘i’ve been lowkey struggling’ admission and didn’t sound vaguely pathetic or directly mention my friend who involuntarily murdered your parents” 

this entire thing is actually imo a fairly decent “listen i know things are really messy right now and i hurt you and we’re both still upset, but here’s some effort on my part. if you ever need anything, here’s how you can contact me & i promise i will still drop everything to come help you with what you need” gesture considering the situation & time frame

anyway, steve for sure messed up with his approach to this and put a lot of people in danger, but as someone who is a fan of tony stark i have to take The Context into consideration and also understand that sometimes people do questionable things even while having the best intentions. it was a really rough situation and i think mr evans did a great job of showing steve emotionally shutting down and struggling for the past few films? i can see where he was coming from from an emotional standpoint, & bc of these and 130 other reach-y reasons including me just enjoying him as a person, i forgive him. it’s 2:30am this is so long oh my god

#kayvswords #L O N G P O S T #long post #holy shit i'm sorry i just have a lot of feelings abt steve??? #seibir

[cielospeaks]

idk its just. frustrating.

i cant decide why they treated me like this

was it because i dont play games and they thought i was a weirdo freak for it? i dont have a lot of time, and i dont like to half ass things, so when i do play (non mobile) games i usually either love them so much i devote myself to learning all the best ways to play them or get tired of them early and just stop playing. and with every game being at least 30 dollars i prefer to not buy ones ill lose interest in. watching on the other hand is much better for me, i can enjoy the nearly full aspects of it and do so in a way that relaxes me, which cuts down on money and time spent on it. with that game i also gained a lot of enjoyment from reading the manga of it. but that made me an outcast to them, an object of ridicule. my experiences werent valid, werent important, werent worth even acknowledgement because of it. its as if i didnt exist to them

was it bc i didnt feel romantic towards any of the characters in it or want to insert myself in with them? theres more damn ways of caring about someone than getting right in the thick of things. i prefer to watch from the sides, especially when someone already has a loving mutual healthy connection with others. sure id happily be their friend/acquaintance/every so often fun to hang out with person, but i dont need more. i think maybe if i fell for someone who did have that healthy network it might be different (heck id say my go boys are close- they do have friends/lovers who arent like... nasty to them and with time and understanding could be those healthy relationships, but even those are really strained for big reasons) but falling for someone for me, at least in that way, is really rare. i guess just like i cant relate to them picking up and dumping people in hardcore romantic/sexual relationships every week or so they cant relate to me seeing no need for such things.

i guess at the core of it was we really could not relate to each other at all. but the way we handled it was different. i would always try to see the good in what they did- (yeah, you go! im happy youre happy!) and they just would kinda ridicule and baby me for how i thought. maybe the hated my reactions- they wanted people to act abrasive anyways. i know i hated them treating me like an “uwu soft bean sweet babbu who cant feel any bad thing ever uwu”. i just dont think its in good tact to openly bash someones beloved person, even if that person makes my skin crawl. it just didnt work out. i cant stand them, and they obviously had no use for me.

why am i still mad abt this whereas im not abt the c/l people? its arguable that they fked me up just as bad, if not worse. i think part of it is bc c/l was such a precious thing to me, it went so far beyond just this temporary chatting thing. its what made me find purpose in my future again, and opened my eyes to things i had forgotten how to enjoy for so long. they may have warped my conscious thought of how i thought i enjoyed it, but they were only forwarding a conscious thought that had been pressed on me for years prior. and more than that they couldnt change how i truly, unconsciously enjoyed it.

i guess this on the other hand. i opened up about things id been a loner on for years prior. i opened up about the first time i really started to have these romantic(?) feelings. sure, maybe i shouldnt have trusted them so much. but that doesnt change that they trampled on those feelings. they strung me along, had me compromise time and time again to their whims. played like they were the only ones who understood me. constantly guilted me with “i consider you my very best trusted friend uwu” junk to keep me at their sides, until the moment i became useless. i didnt just buy their lies, i bought others’ lies. i was guilted “i didnt want to live anymore until talking with you uwu”. they took something that had left me injured and ripped it open and wormed their damn selves in that open wound. maybe i should have told them at the start why i cared about that. i thought i did. but i didnt want that to skew them. i didnt want to guilt them the way they ended up guilting me. but to them, they never would see it as guilting.

i guess like w c/l at the end it doesnt change my feelings. i care about those series. i love sal and the others with all my heart. i followed my own path, and maybe i walked a little closer to them for a while, but every step was my own, even through their shit.

#negative #im not usually this dramatic but