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#and im sure some people will feel bad about missing out so
bi-tchsexual · 16 hours
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I don't care about the long-term negative effects of chronic stress, I care about the short term one of all my dreams being horrendous and bad and full of situations that I can't win
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ofsunhillow · 2 years
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im like narcissus but a girl
#i feel like im deeply and irreversively self centered. not that im a bad person. but that i just dont connect and dont want to#everything i think revolves around me what i am doing what i would say how i would react how i would move#and i repeat my own scene 100 times#i can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror but i dont#as if to stop myself from being so self centered. and i get in the shower and think about#hypothetical scenarios where i am talking to someone and i am saying things about me#i feel like an outside observer of people#if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone#i dont miss people. when i do what i miss is the entertainment i got from being with them#when i love someone i cant tell if its real or if im making myself believe i love them because accepting that i cant form attachments#would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored#but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people#or have i just convinced myself of that as some sort of weird repression#and thinking about this feels like a loop it feels like i will never get out of this way of thinking. because im just#thinking about how i think about how i think about how i think#and im not sure what it is exactly thats making me hate this#is it because i feel broken and deep inside i want connection? is that a desire i have#or do i hate it because i feel i am missing out on the human experience. i am very very afraid of missing out
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infizero · 2 months
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god. i miss loona so fucking bad.
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miallurk · 3 months
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Damn. One thing going wrong and I'm going full mental breakdown huh.
#probably because of bottling my feelings up#honestly at this point i'm considering giving up but some people were really sweet to me and that's really been helping#and that one anon in my other blog who almost got me to cry just because they said “i love your writing”#shit i am legit tearing up#people are so nice sometimes i just. fucking hell i love when people are caring but i have feelings that are kept in a bottle from before#i was even like. in 3rd grade.#i want to keep reaching out i do#but i feel so insignificant when i do some stupid shit and. people want to talk to me. they care. and they listen.#i feel so. bad for taking up their time. surely they have something better to do than waste their time on me im a failure. i cant do anythi#g. but. they do. and that fucks me up so badly. those people do not know how much i appreciate even a brief chat.#i am starving for humanity and its connections.#i am also struggling#and living in times of war is so fucking hard when no one cares about you. it was so hard to come to terms with that i'm a war child.#a child of war. fathered by a soldier who had seen horrors of it beforehand. and who has not spoken of them despite screaming in the dead#of night. i am. having a full on breakdown huh. apparently. it's just. fucking insane. i really need to talk to someone about this. and hav#a ten hour nap preferably.#looks at crow bubbles miss detective log and hannah and my old old mutuals. i love you all still no matter how brief or insignificant our#interactions were. i love you. you mean the world to me. you made me who i am like an amateur makes a silly clay figure never meant for muc#it is so hard to go on with old memories as bugs in my brain#this.. started as a drawing program error vent and became me pouring my feelings here. same as always ig.#i love you humanity i love you reaching out i love you desire to care and ve cared about i love you yearning i love you helping without a#need to ask i love you human emotions i love you people#it feels like i'm not one myself honestly. humans are so.. so horrifyingly endearing to me i am suffocating with unspoken love#fucking my love is mine all mine and poison and ghosting and oleander fuck you songs you make me emotional too. humans are so humans.
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nonpoppin · 2 months
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One More Chance
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Summary: Farleigh doesn't want to lose you.
Warnings: Cheating, drug use, drinking, slapping (you dont get slapped!!), oral (f receiving!), pussy eating, overstimulation (?), talks of stds, P in V sex, lemme know if i forgot anything.
Notes: Guess who's back and being ANNOYING! Lord when i say this took me forever to write and it's long. Whatever, but hi this is like 5k+ words not including notes, warnings or summary! Enjoy!! Leave comments n all that!! ALSO Shout-out to @cocoamoonmalfoy for putting up with me while i wrote this 😭 okay im running away now.
PART TWO
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You think you're getting too old for clubbing.
Everything is so loud, dizzying, and sweaty and your outfit sticks to you uncomfortably. You pull at the laces, at the latex that annoyingly catches against the meat of your thighs as you sway to the music. Annabel, seemingly ignorant to your stiff movement, leans her whole body against you, grinding to the beat of the song, and out of instinct you wrap your arm around her waist and pull her closer. She melts into your arms then without missing a beat, she turns her head and even with the flashing lights you can see that her mascara runs, “You used to be good at this.”
You swallow thickly. You were good at this— clubbing, partying, getting so drunk you'd feel it the next morning but he had to ruin it for you, take the fun out of partying. “Sorry,” You say, nosing against her ear, “It’s just a lot.” Her hands clench over yours, her lashes fluttering.
“You didn't have to come.”
But you did. You couldn't spend nights in your dorm crying for the rest of the semester, not when you had an image to uphold. People were talking, half the campus knew that something happened between you and Farleigh, something bad enough for you to suddenly drop him and his family despite the looks he still sent you whenever you were in the same room. You had to come, if not for yourself, for Annabel who's going through the same thing as you, even if the cousin she got stuck with was a lot more cruel about what he did. “Couldn’t let you do this alone,” You smile. Couldn't let her sit in her dorm and cry over Felix who dropped her for India, she had lost two people in one night(—her boyfriend and best friend.) and while you two weren't the closest before this, you're friends— someone who understood what it was like to date a Catton.
Annabel smiles, turning to face you and it makes you laugh, her lipstick is smeared. You reach out and wipe out at it and she watches, her smile slipping off her face as her lip begins to wobble, “I wish I met you first.”
You smile and it's twinge with sadness. “You don't like girls, Anna.”
She shakes her head, tears falling from her eyes. It's been off and on all night and the booze running through her system isn't making it better. “I could though, I could like you.” She sniffles, “It’s not fair. I could have loved you instead but I'm here and– and crying over him while he's probably off fucking her in some dark corner. He said it was all a bit of fun– that we had the rest of our lives and it was wrong to tie him down when– when there was so much to experience. You would have thought I asked him to marry me, I just–”
Her face falls, “I just wanted him to be my boyfriend.”
Then, it's like a switch flips in her because she suddenly gags, lurching forward. You jump back in fear of getting puked on but she claps her hands over her mouth, pushing you and others out of the way and runs to what you hope is a bathroom. You stare after for a few moments, making sure you can actually see her go into the women's bathroom and when she does, you look away with a deep sigh, a hand running down your face. She's done this twice already and you know when she comes back this time, you'll cut your losses and drag her back to bed before she gets alcohol poisoning.
Politely, you try to dance your way off the middle of the dancefloor. You smile at people who seem to know you, they say your name in greeting and quickly go back to their dancing and just when you're at the cusp of exiting the crowd, a hand grabs yours. You jerk, whirling around and—
“Oliver, what the hell?” You snap over the music, you yank your hand free and his face falls. “What the fuck do you want?”
“Felix sent me over!” He shouts over the music then he draws closer to you, forcing you to take a step backward and out of the crowd. “Said you'd punch him if he came over–” Well, he's not wrong. “–and he said he needed your help, Farleigh–”
Your face crumples at the mention of your ex-boyfriend and you're already shaking your head, “No, Oliver–”
“Oh, love, come on–”
“I already told him I wanted nothing to do with him or his family-!” You quiet yourself when you notice the looks you're starting to get when you notice the group of kids near you quiet down as if to listen in. “Just no, Oliver. I can't leave Anna alone for too long–”
Oliver instantly begins to look around, “Annabel is here?”
You frown, “Yeah. Why?”
Oliver makes a face, “I have to chat with her too,” You start to sneer and he throws his hands up, his face paling. “Not for Felix, I swear. I just– we need to talk, how about we switch off– I stay with Anna and you go find the guys–”
“No. She's fucking drunk I'm not leaving her with you–”
“Oliver!”
Annabel appears from down the hall behind you, smiling as if she didn't spend the past few minutes puking up her stomach. She slides up next to you, bleary eyes peering at the both of you, “What are you doing here, Ollie?”
Your eyes narrow on him. The girl beside you is looking to make some mistakes tonight— trying to make someone jealous and while she didn't like girls, she loved boys and Oliver happened to be pretty and a close friend of Felix. You roll your lips together, eyes flickering to her when she prowls closer to him, and Oliver's hands clench and unclench at his side. She'd be picking the wrong friend to do this with, Oliver obviously had a thing going for Felix and Felix wanted something from Oliver, Farleigh had told you as much. Felix was still experimenting with his sexuality and didn't want to be kept in the straight category when he liked boys too, he had liked Eddie before he slept with Venetia and gave him head allegedly so bad, that he was gone from Saltburn by sunrise.
But that's neither here nor there, not when Oliver smiles at Annabel and you can see traces of Felix in it. It looks too practiced and painted and when he speaks to be heard over the music, it's like his accent changed to match the tallest Catton. “I just wanted to talk to you. Alone, if you don't mind–”
“Annabel–”
The girl cuts you off with a big, lipstick-smudged smile. “Of course, we can talk. I think I was just about to go back to campus, walk with me?” Then she looks back to you as if to say; ‘Relax, it's only Oliver.’
A little annoyed she's ditching you so quickly for a chance at fucking Oliver, you snap your mouth shut. It's only Oliver and that's what worries you, maybe you're being paranoid or maybe, Farleigh stuffed your head full of nonsensical claims but there's something weird about Oliver, like he's pretending to be something he's not. “Fine– just, just call me when you get back okay? If you don't I'm calling S.W.A.T on the place.”
Annabel smiles and presses a kiss on your cheek, “Thank you for being my very American guard dog tonight.” Then, to Oliver, “Let’s go, yeah?”
Oliver clasps hands with her, letting her pull him from the club but not before he turns to you and looks past the moving dance floor, “They’re all the way in the back, got a private room. You should go.”
You scowl at him, “Fuck off, Ollie.”
He smiles at you and it's like he knows you're gonna cave and go before you even decide to do so. And once you lose sight of Oliver and Annabel, you count to ten before you turn and push your way through the crowd trying to get to the private section behind them. Once you breach the crowd again, the security guards posted outside the private section only glance at you and then away, stepping out of your path as you pass them. You swallow at the feeling that evokes— that power that came with being seen with a Catton, a cousin or otherwise, was nauseating. You could ask those guards to do whatever you wanted and they would in hopes of a good tip, you could murder someone back here and they'd turn a blind eye because at the end of the day, if you weren't a friend of the Cattons’, you were against them and no one who stood against them survived very long.
You stop outside the door and you realize it's quieter back here. You can still hear the music from the club, yes, but if you pressed your ear against the door, you could hear crying. You could hear Felix talking, shuffling, and then more crying, choked and muffled and you think he's trying to silence himself and you ignore the way your heart aches. You should have ‘died’ a while ago. Should've been cast aside the moment you broke up with Farleigh and cursed Felix out, but they kept you close. Their gold-coated talons had dug too deep, you saw too much blood and bone, you saw too much of the real them and knew, in a way they'd never let you go. No matter what you did or said.
You take a breath and open the door.
Felix is crouching in front of Farleigh, his hands cupping his face as the man before him cries so hard, he heaves. He's cooing, using his thumbs to rub soothing circles on his cheeks, “It's okay, mate. It's okay, you just got to breathe– yeah, that's it, Far, just breathe with me.”
Your hand clenches around the knob and you clear your throat, praying your voice sounds uncaring.“Is he high?”
Both men look up, Felix faster than Farleigh but that doesn't stop the other man from staggering to his feet at the sight of you. “Baby,” He hiccups, he walks to you— stumbling and nearly tripping in the process and you enter the room, closing the door before any passersby can see. Farleigh reaches you and his eyes flutter, tears freely falling from his eyes as he sinks to the floor before you, his arm winding around your waist and his face placed firmly against your stomach. He's still crying, you note but he's mumbling too, “You came. You came back.”
Your hands clench at your sides to hide their shaking, you won't touch him. Even as he unbalances you and presses you flush against the door, you don't touch him as he cries which means, you won't push him away either, so you settle on ignoring him instead, your eyes on Felix who's still crouching. “Felix, is he high?”
The man sighs, running a hand through his hair before he stands, rolling his shoulders. You can't decide if he looks pissed that you actually showed or happy to see you after weeks of no communication. He looks like he's forcing himself to frown, “You’d want that, wouldn't you? Give you another reason to run away from him.”
You flinch as if he hit you and Farleigh holds you tighter, pulling you closer to him, “You don't get to say that, Felix. You don't even know what fucking happened.”
“Exactly!” He bursts. Its loud enough he throws a glance at the door, he takes a breath and you hear him struggle to keep his voice level. “I don't know what fucking happened between the two of you and he won't tell me. You won't tell me. Then, I try to call you– try to make it right and you– you fucking blocked me?”
“There’s no making this right, Felix. You can't fix everything–”
“Yes, I can!” He insists, his voice raising. “I did so before when you two fought, I did it when your scholarship fell through and you were going to get kicked from Oxford, I fixed it when Farleigh and you went streaking through the bloody campus, I can fix this but you have to tell me what happened– you just– you're family now and we just don't drop each other, we don't block each other and don't answer when the other comes knocking for answers. Just let me fix this because all I know– all I know is Farleigh fucking flushed it, okay? Flushed it all down the loo and hasn't been high in weeks and it's been fucking hell, he's been such a prick about it always snapping and blowing up over the littlest things. I can't even mention you without him trying to bite my head off.
“Please. Just tell me what happened. That's all I ask, that's all I want to know, we used to tell each other everything. We used to be friends.” He pleads.
Annoyed you snap, “He cheated on me.”
Felix draws back, surprised. “What?”
You lick your lips, trying to force the memory from your mind and Farleigh starts to cry again, he tries to curl into you, trying to bury his face and cover his ears. If he's not high, he's drunk out of his mind and you're not sure what's better, he's always been a bit of a baby when drunk, clingy, and emotional. You used to have patience for it, you used to be able to stare at him without wanting to cry, “He cheated on me with Alicia. He and her got super fucking high after I begged him to just stay in my dorm with me instead of going out and I don't know– they fucked, I guess.” You look down at Farleigh and try to force that image out of your head, how he came to you already crying and begging for forgiveness, he said he didn't even know what happened, how he even ended up alone with Alicia but the damage was done. You broke up with him then and there.
Felix makes a face like he sucked on a lemon. “Farleigh wouldn't do that. Not to you, there has to be a misunderstanding– there– Farleigh, mate, tell me it's not true.”
Farleigh doesn't answer and you didn't really expect him to, not with the desperation coating his cousin's voice. For a moment, Felix looks more hurt than you and you understand it— he had been the one to get you both together, two Americans in Oxford why not stick together, he had invited you to Saltburn last year where Farleigh worked up the nerve to kiss you whilst Felix and Venetia cheered from a balcony above. Felix in the course of it all, became your friend because you never asked for his wealth, never asked for gifts or privileges, and the only thing you ever asked for was notes in a class you shared. Notes that he had never taken before then but started taking almost instantly after and the rest was history.
“Fucking Christ, mate.” Felix curses, he's shaking his head at his cousin. He looks at you, then past you frowning, “Where is Oliver?”
“He left with Anna.”
Felix freezes, “What?”
“He took Annabel home, you remember Anna, don't you? Your ex-girlfriend?”
“We weren't dating.” Felix snaps then shakes his head, “Look I gotta go find Oliver–”
“What? No, you have to stay with Farleigh–”
“I don't even want to be in the same room as him right now. Leave him with the security guards, he'll be fine come morning.”
He kisses your cheek, ignoring your protest as he storms from the room, slamming the door behind him. You think he has no right being this angry when he did something worse but Felix sees himself differently from everyone else, and sometimes it took someone copying his actions to see how fucked up he treated someone.
With a sigh, you look down at Farleigh who somehow managed to doze off in all the bickering, slumped heavily against your smaller figure. You hesitate for a second before attempting to push a hand through his hair and get annoyed when it doesn't go through as it usually would— he wasn't taking care of himself but you can't say you were doing so either. You frown, debating.
“Fuck it, Farleigh wake up, we're going back to my room.”
He only groans against you and you know the hangover he gets tomorrow will hurt.
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A part of you missed sleeping next to Farleigh.
You always ran cold and he ran hot, he'd tangle himself around you and pull you flush against his body and the warmth that bloomed made you feel like you were a bear waking from hibernation each morning. You'd shake the sleep from your bones while he'd grumble and try to pull you closer to him, trying to coax you back to bed.
A part of you missed it and you'd probably always miss it but you knew where you stood with Farleigh, you couldn't– you wouldn't go back.
He shifts next to you, his head falling off the pillow and resting in the crook of your neck, his lips ghosting over your pulse that steadily picks up the closer he draws. You've been awake for an hour now, passively texting Annabel as she updates you on her almost sleeping with Oliver, how she managed to give him a handjob (— she took several minutes to describe the size, shape, and feel of his dick to you.) before Felix burst in and dragged him out. You turn away from Farleigh, arm tucking under your pillow as you debate telling Annabel that Felix only showed up to drag Oliver out because he wanted to be the first one to fuck Oliver.
But you remember how eagerly she ditched you for Oliver. You remember how the two of you were just friends, barely acquaintances if you took away all the conversations about Felix or Farleigh so instead, you huff, turning off your phone and chucking it away from you. Farleigh follows your movement, arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you back against him, his leg slotting between your legs and you freeze.
“Farleigh?”
The man hums, pushing his leg higher in an attempt to pull you closer and a startled breath leaves you. That shouldn't feel good, you won't let it show that it does. You shift, subtly trying to lift your weight from him, “If you can hear me, you should leave. Classes start soon and–” His leg presses higher, directly against your clothed cunt and you jerk, fingernails digging into the arm around your waists. “Farleigh–”
“I missed you.” He whispers against the skin of your neck and you shiver but trying to twist away only makes you grind against his leg or back against him if the breathy groan he lets out is anything to go by. “Can we– can we talk?”
“This isn't talking, this is–” He begins to kiss your neck, tongue swiping across your pulse before he nips at your skin and you nearly choke on your words. “You can't fuck this better, Farleigh. You– I don't even know if you're clean anymore.”
He stills against you and it allows you to pull yourself from his arms, to twist and sit up over him as your heart pounds. You should get out of bed, you think when he stares up at you with wide brown eyes, You should kick him out. You do neither, at least, not yet. Not when he's this close and staring at you like that. “I am,” He finally says and his voice breaks, he blinks quickly, shifting. “I got tested. Twice. I can show you–”
“No.” You say quickly, “No, it's fine. It's not like it matters anymore.”
Farleigh frowns up at you. “It does matter, baby. I shouldn't have– I shouldn't have fucked Alicia, okay? And I know you don't want to hear it but I was high.”
You instantly look away, hands clenching and unclenching. He wants to talk, fine, you could talk. “So that makes it okay?” You ask, “What if I got high and fucked Oliver, huh? Would you be okay with that?”
Farleigh scowls. “It’s not the same thing and you know it. Oliver is a fucking freak and I've told you that–”
“And I told you to stay.” You snap, “Stay in my dorm with me, spend time with me, fuck me. But you went out and fucked Alicia– so excuse me if I don't give a fuck about what you said about Oliver.”
The both of you sit in silence for a minute and you are the first to break it with a sigh, “Just leave, Farleigh. This isn't good for–”
“Do you want to get even with me?” He asks, sitting up. His eyes search your face, looking for…something. “Do you want to fuck Oliver?”
You gape at him, “Are you fuckin’ insane? No!”
“Felix, then. Do you want to fuck him?” He asks, his voice shaking. “‘Cause I'd let you. I'd let you fuck whoever you wanted if it meant you'd come back to me once you were finished.”
You try to get out of bed but he stops you, grabbing your hand and pulling you back in. A gasp rips out of you as you tug your arm away from him, anger pooling in your gut, “Do you hear how fucking pathetic you sound?!” He reaches for you again and you smack his hand away, “Don't fucking touch me!”
“Baby–”
“No!” You shout and when you stand, this time he doesn't stop you, only rushing to follow. “You can't do this shit, Farleigh. I didn't do this to us– I didn't fucking cheat on you!”
“I know–” He tries but you can't hear him, your heart is beating too fast, and your head is pounding. You're sure you're sweating in your effort to keep steady on your feet, to meet his eyes.
“You need to leave, Farleigh. We're done.”
“We’re not.” He insists, stepping closer to you. “Baby, I love you–”
You slap him before you can even stop yourself and you regret it as soon as you do. His head snaps to the side and his jaw flexes as he processes what you've done. He shakes his head, his hand coming to ghost across the reddening skin of his cheek before it drops, his eyes blown wide as he stares at you and you stare back, your hand falling to your side.
You have two seconds to brace yourself. To lock your knees and not bend against his body crashing against yours, his lips on yours as he backs you against the door. He kisses you like he misses you— like he's sorry for everything, for hurting you, for existing. His teeth bite into your bottom lip and when you feel the skin break, you turn your head with a sigh, allowing the man to kiss down your neck. “I’m so fucking sorry,” He mumbles against your skin, “So, so, sorry–”
He sucks a hickey into your skin and your hands clench at the fabric of his shirt, “Farleigh?” He hums, “That’s not how you're supposed to apologize.”
He drops to his knees before you without so much as a blink. He's nosing against your pajama shorts, his hands sliding up your thighs to pull at your waistband. “Take it off.” He orders, tugging at the material and the tone of his voice makes you frown and when he sees this, his tongue swipes across lips as he looks up to you. “Take it off, please.”
And you do so easily, giggling when Farleigh kisses your hands as you do. You push Farleigh back to kick off your shorts and the man leans forward between your legs, placing an open mouth kiss on your pussy– his tongue finding home almost immediately to flick against your clothed clit. “Oh– fuck, wait, wait–” You bend, trying to push him away once more but he shakes your hand off and pushes his face closer, mouth suctioning over your cunt. You thread your fingers through what hair you can, a choked moan leaving you before y anking him away from you, ignoring his choked groan. “Farleigh, what the fuck–?”
“I missed you,” He says, his lips parting as he pants, trying to shift closer to you. “Missed your pretty pussy too.”
Your fingers curl against his scalp, nails ghosting flesh and he moans. It's a filthy sound that makes something hot and warm pool in your gut— makes a breath punch out of your lungs. You missed him but you realize it's deeper than that, that this feeling— this want is something primal and it mixes with the anger that still lingers within you, it mixes and it makes you want to hurt him as much as you want to fuck him. “You’re so fuckin’ greedy,” You mumble, your whole body warm. “You’d eat me whole if I'd let you.”
One hand still in his hair, you use it to pull him further away from your pussy and he goes easily, watching wide-eyed as you use your other hand to pull your panties to the side. You can't bring yourself to be embarrassed about how wet you are, Farleigh has seen you naked dozens of times and you're sure half the wetness is his saliva that leaked through the thin fabric but this time it's different. He stares at you and your pussy like it made the stars, the sun, and the moon and he waits— panting, sweating, his dick straining against his jeans, looking up at you with big brown eyes. It's a good look on him, you decide, this obedience. You move your hand, fingers parting your soaked folds, “Apologize.”
And god, he does so eagerly. He jerks forward, his hands finding purchase with the meat of your thighs as he drags you forward, closer to his mouth. His tongue licks, circling your clit. You bow away from his mouth out of instinct, moans tumbling from your lips and he follows, riding the waves your hips roll to— you back away from the pleasure and he drags you forward, making you ride his tongue with each twitch. “Oh my god,” You whisper, whimpering as you roll your hips. You feel Farleigh smile against you before he slips, his nose replacing his tongue against your clit as he uses both tongue and fingers to fuck you open. “Oh my– O-oh fuck–” You clench around him, your muscles tightening and he parts them as if you're made out of wet tissue, slurping and drinking up the mess you leak onto his hand.
Your body curls away from him and he twists with you, hooking a leg over his shoulder and pressing you flush against the door, his tongue shoved up your pussy and nose against your clit and shakes his head and you nearly scream. You're so wet you can hear yourself, hear flesh sliding against flesh, hear his near-silent moans. His fingers curl into you, snagging against something that makes your legs weak and makes you babble out his name and he finds it again with a little prodding and bullies it with his fingers, rubbing and twisting till you're gasping, grinding down, and chasing the pleasure instead of running from it, “Oh sh-sh-it!” You cry, trying to pull him closer as you hump against his face, “You’re gonna m– I'm gonna–” Your lashes flutter as Farleigh shifts to kneel, hiking you further up the door and forcing you to grind down harder against his tongue and nose.
With a sharp cry, you cum. Your chord snapping as the warmth inside of you boils over. Farleigh makes you ride it out, keeping you closing and still working his tongue through your folds as you come down, he hums— drinking what you give him as your legs shall, and disbelieving giggles leave you. He's slow to stand, kissing his way up your shaky body, slowly coaxing the rest of your clothes off before he meets your lips and you taste yourself on his tongue. “You forgive me?” He asks, once he pulls away and he's still somewhat crouching to be able to look in your eyes, a smug smile pulling at his lips.
You force yourself to frown, to look annoyed despite your shaking legs and racing heart. “Did you make her cum, too?”
Farleigh has the audacity to groan. He hooks his arms around your waist and stands to his full height, lifting you easily and it sends a thrill down your spine. He wraps your legs around his waist as he carries you back to your bed, his teeth ghosting against your collarbone. “Does it fucking matter?”
“Yeah.” You say with a pout as he drops you on your mattress. You watch as he begins to strip, his shirt goes first, then his belt, and he slowly unbuttons his jeans clearly deep in thought so he doesn't notice your impatient looks. You watch eagerly as they drop and his hand slips into his boxers, clearly fisting himself. “Farleigh, did you make her cum?”
“I don't fucking know.” He admits with a frown, “I don't think so. Doesn't matter either. She didn't make me cum,” He lets out a little near-silent moan and you watch the fabric move over his fist, “Haven’t cummed since you left, not even when I touched myself. Closest I got was when I was thinking of you but it's not– fuck, it's not the same, baby. Missed you so bad I nearly fucked a hole into my mattress thinking of you.”
You bite your lip at his words. You bite it harder when he finally pulls down his boxers and his dick springs free and it is weeping, red at its tip and leaking. He rolls his thumb over the head of it before jerking his hand away when his hips try to buck against the feeling. “You’re sick.”
He fucking moans. “Say it again when my dick is in you.” He asks and despite the teasing smile on his face, you have a feeling he's deadly serious. He drops down to the bed, his lips once again connecting with yours. Farleigh rolls his hips against yours, his dick sliding against your pussy and the friction is not enough— you're too wet for it to be grinding at this point and you mumble this against his lips. Farleigh snickers, “There’s no such thing as being too wet.”
You roll your eyes. “Let me on top.”
Farleigh considers you with an odd look in his eyes before he bites his lip and grabs your waist. Your world spins as he settles back against your pillows, pulling you on top of him and he sighs, as his dick catches your entrance in all the movement. “Mm, sit on it, baby.”
You scowl, “Shut up.”
He doesn't, he smiles, his hips humping up towards you. “Know you missed my dick too, I know you missed me fucking you–”
You take him in your hand and he's hot, heavy and it throbs in your grip as you stroke him. Farleigh moans, his little rant getting cut off as he humps into your hand. “You gotta be patient.”
“But I missed you.” He gasps when you grip him harder, his voice cracking as you slowly, slowly sink down on him. “Missed you so fucking bad, missed your laugh, your smile, your beautiful fucking tits–” He gasps as you roll your hips against him. “Oh, fuck, go faster.”
You ignore him, rolling your hips at the same slow pace. Your bed creaks when you move too fast and you're suddenly uncomfortable, aware of the sunlight shining through your blinds, the possible students in the room next to you or below you— you try not to cringe about who heard you cum when you were pressed against the door. You roll your hips again, bracing yourself against his chest, grinding firmly against him, a soft moan leaving you. Farleigh only curses, his feet planted firmly on the bed and he bucks up into you, forcing you into the galloping pace that he wants. Your hands scramble, nails scraping across his chest as he momentarily brutal pace— he's panting in your ear, small and desperate, ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck-’s leave his lips like a prayer as he forces your hips down to meet him, the slap of skin nearly sounds like a song and it's nearly enough to make you cum all over again.
You gasp his name in disbelief, one hand rushing to push at his thigh because it's too much. You've just come and you're sensitive and gushy and he's making another mess out of you. Your other hand flies to his neck and you grip hard, pushing yourself up and then down in an attempt to stop his thrust and you're shocked when Farleigh almost completely goes still. He's still panting and his fingers are digging into your hips but he's staring at you with a glazed-over look in his eyes, his parting in a silent moan as your fingers flex against his throat. “I love you.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“‘m not.” He whimpers as you begin to ride him again, bed creaking be damned— he's never not fought you like this. He gasps as you pick up your pace, “I love you so fucking much, wanted to– want to marry you–”
You clench around him and he chokes out a moan. He continues, babbling. “‘nd I'm so fucking sorry baby– fuck– I-I am, I'm so sorry–” Your fingers tighten around his throat and his hips roll to meet your pace, chasing the pleasure. “I love you, fuck– I fucking love you and– and–” His breath catches as you lift your hips and drop back down, he bites his lip, his eyes rolling back. “Please?”
You let out a confused hum and he swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing under your hand. “I'm so close, baby. Haven't cummed in weeks– just please, a little faster, a little harder.” When he asks like that, you don't have in you to deny him, you shift and he answers with a moan as you bounce on his dick. One hand still on his neck, and you bring the other one up to rub messy circles against your clit. The both of you are a mess, moaning and chasing pleasure and when he cums it's with a shuddering gasp— he doesn't warn you as he spills inside of you and you continue to ride him fixated on your pleasure. You cum only a few short minutes after him, collapsing against his chest and he wraps his arms around you.
“Come to Saltburn.”
You're too tired to pull away but you tense in his arms, a sigh leaving you, “Far–”
“Please.” He begs, his voice a near whisper. “Only Felix knew we–” He pauses, a choked breath and starts over. “I didn't tell anyone else we broke up and he's bringing Oliver. Don't let me go back outnumbered.”
“I don't know, Farleigh.” You mumble against his chest.
“It’s only for the summer.” He says. “It’s one summer. Then– then if you mean it, if we're done you can leave. I'll never speak to you again.”
You draw a soft pattern against his chest, a shaky breath leaving you. It's one summer, he's right. Nothing could go wrong in only one summer, you have nothing to lose. Still, “Promise?”
He hugs you tighter, almost as if he's afraid you'd disappear at that very moment. “Promise.”
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tinylittlebab · 1 year
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maybe when im skinny ill somehow magically have friends somehow. idk how me having friends would change the fact i dont know or meet people but i bet it will fix all my problems
#idk. ive been told be people im attractive idk why. i think i look disgusting :/ but when im really skinny maybe people will think im#pretty enough to talk to and i can make friends that way. idk. im not sure where id even meet people. hmmm. well id be willing to do some#bad ideas if it meant i had people to talk to. tbh im just thinking i wanna meet ANYONE and maybe even if i dont like them i can meet other#people through them and it will work out. idk. i wish i were closer to drinking age so i could go to bars and maybe meet people there#idk. id just like to meet people somehow. im so lonely. i never got to meet people in school bc ive literally never been to school :/#im one if 6 kids and im the only one who never got put in school. by the time my parents started homeschooling i was too young to have#gone to school yet and by the time my mom finally realized it was a mistake i was too old. i was 17 by the time my younger siblings were#put in school and it was too late for me. it feels bad that im leaving my childhood behind before im even 18. my older siblings spent years#still essentially being kids before they moved out and my one sister is gonna move back in soon. they had it rough too but i just wish i#couldve spent awhile still being a kid. i didnt get to spend any of my teenage years being a kid and ill be 18 in june#:( i miss having friends. my sister is great and all but its just different. i hope i can meet people somehow but i juat dont know#it makes me so sad tho think about how i lost all my friends when i was 10 and the only one ive made since has been my older sister#im just so lonely. everything sucks. maybe ill do that dangerous bad idea that might result in me meeting people even uf they suck#maybe not. i think maybe i dont wanna but i might be desperate enough.
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technicolorxsn · 1 year
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I know he thinks I'm dumb and immature and too sensitive or whatever but I still miss him
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gasstationlady · 7 months
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GUTS | a lando norris social media au | pt. 1
pairing: lando norris x singer!reader, ex!drew starkey x reader
y/n l/n’s latest album is speculated to be about her ex. however, she already moved on.
note: fc is olivia rodrigo! i hope the quality of the photos are okay, everytime i saved my drafts on my phone they became blurry :(
disclaimer: no hate to drew!! i just needed a famous ex. also so sorry for any grammar mistakes or typos!!
masterlist ⋆ next
yourusername
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liked by oliviarodrigo, yourbestie and 4,779,774 others
yourusername ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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yourbestie soooooo proud of you 🥹 this album is amazing
user teenage dream made me BAWL i love you 😭😭
user MISS Y/N, YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN
oliviarodrigo obsessed.
user omg are the songs about drew
enews
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41,202 likes
enews In Y/n’s new album, “Guts,” Y/n shares information on her old relationship with Drew Starkey. The pair started dating last year until ultimately breaking up in the beginning of 2023.
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user omggg this is the drama i’ve been waiting for
user you guys really chose to focus on this when not even half the songs are about drew
user this album saved 2023
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yourusername
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liked by yourbestie, bellahadid and 6,313,074 others
tagged yourbestie and conangray
yourusername some GUTS bts, still can’t believe it’s out but i’m so happy it’s yours!!!! been sitting on these songs for a few months and although some of them are a little outdated, they still mean a lot to me!!
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conangray spilling my guts absolutely everywhere
yourbestie LETS GO GUTS
user album has in fact been on repeat since the release🫡
user “a little outdated” girl please elaborate you can’t leave us hanging like that 😭😭
f1updates
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28,459 likes
f1updates Lando Norris with fans in New York! Most likely staying there until the #SingaporeGP
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user 🤤
user what is he doing in new york?
↳ user no literally bc it’s kinda sus there’s no reason for him to be there 😭😭
user ugh he looks so good
deuxmoi
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57,380 likes
deuxmoi 🚨 NEW COUPLE ALERT 🚨
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user obviously it’s y/n l/n but which driver???
user you guys are srsly bored
user kinda iconic of her to go from drew to an f1 driver
↳ user fr i just know drew has to be feeling some type of way rn
user Y/N DATING AN F1 DRIVER WAS NOT ON MY 2023 BINGO CARD
yourusername
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liked by yourbestie, zendaya and 2,116,844 others
yourusername soooo excited to be performing at the @/VMAs!!! make sure to tune in on Tuesday at 8pm on #MTV
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yourbestie talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely never been done before
zendaya AHH can't wait!!
user wait am i crazy or am i connecting the dots right now
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landonorris
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liked by danielricciardo, charlesleclerc and 1,950,468 others
landonorris Quick NY stop
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danielricciardo Where was my invite?
↳ landonorris ...
user IS THIS A SOFT LAUNCH OMFG
↳ user the fact that he was the one to soft launch first IM CRYING she's living my dream 😭
user is that y/n 😭😭
user GUYS ITS HAPPENING
drewstarkey
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834,801 likes
drewstarkey bad idea right?
View all 6,689 comments
user this is so messy omg 😭😭
user NO HE DID NOT
↳ user wait i'm so confused why are people freaking out?
↳ user "bad idea right?" is one of the songs y/n wrote about him and the song literally talks about her wanting to go back to him
user posting this right after guts and lando's soft launch is CRAZY
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wikipedie · 2 years
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*Deep inhale*
*screams*
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hotchsstuff · 1 year
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safe now - rafe cameron
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summary: you're involved in an accident.
pairing: rafe cameron x fem!reader
warnings: car accident, cursing, angst/comfort
(part 1) (part 2) (part 4)
it was almost 4am when rafe was awakened by his phone continuous ringing.
he stretched his arm, searching for the device on his bedside table.
"who the fuck is calling at this fucking hour" he mumbled but nonetheless answered the unknown number.
"who's it?" he was ready to hang up if it was some joke topper was pulling on him.
"are we speaking to rafe cameron?" at the unfamiliar voice, rafe sat up more straight, feeling uneasy for some reason.
when he heard the woman say your name and something remotely close to you being involved in an accident, he jumped out of the bed not even listening to what the she was trying to tell him, rummaging around to find his car keys.
shit shit shit, fucking hell
he wanted to throw up, yell at the world for being so unfair but now rafe just prayed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
he needed to know that you were okay. you had to be okay.
as soon as his car stopped in front of the hospital entrance he sprinted out to the reception, yelling at everyone he saw to show him your room.
"please sir, if you don't calm down we'll have to escort you outside" a nurse tried to approach him but all his senses were screaming to find you, now. you needed him and they were only wasting his time.
"i'm rafe cameron" he said with a warning tone "and if you dont bring me to her right now, you all can pack your things and get fucking out!"
hearing the commotion, a doctor that was getting by stopped one of the newbys from snapping back. you don't mess with the camerons. that's rule number one.
"mister cameron, please forgive them for their bad manners. now, if you will follow me"
he would deal with them later.
when he saw you laying on the bed with a pained face he felt his world falling apart.
he rushed to your side, pulling you into his arms. he was never going to let you go out alone. he would keep you close to him every minute of the day.
"rafe!" earlier you told the nurse that you were fine and there was no need to call your emergency number "it's so late, you're gonna miss your meeting tomorrow!"
you just ruined this perfect opportunity. perfect, you thought.
"dont scare me ever again." and it was only then that you noticed that rafe was crying on the top of your head.
you only witnessed rafe cry twice in your life.
the first time was when in grade school he lost the bracelet you got him (you found it under his baseball bat a few days later) and the second time was when you got lost on an excursion organised by your school and rafe couldn't find you anywhere.
rafe never cried. crying is for weak people.
"rafe.." you tried to pull apart but he held you stronger, scared that you would disappear at any moment "it's just a scratch, look" you showed him your bruised arms and legs but that made him only more upset.
"if i catch that motherfucker" and by his darkened gaze you knew he was serious. besides, it was not the first time he got in a fight for you, but this time you weren't sure that the man that hit you would get away with only some broken ribs and a broken nose.
"no rafe! i swear im okay" you put a hand on his cheek, making him look at you "let's just go home okay? you have an important meeting tomorrow" he didn't let you finish the sentence before his expression soured and put your mumbling to a stop.
"i dont give a fuck about this job!" he yelled, catching you off guard.
how could you think that you came second to something he never wanted.
"is this why you didnt call me to pick you up from your night shift? you told me hans let you get off work earlier. you were scared you would have distracted me from my father's wishes?" he was livid now "honey let me tell you something, i told my dad three days ago that i was out of this project."
you glanced up, shocked at the revelation.
you knew how hard rafe worked to get to where he was. it made no sense.
seeing how confused you were, rafe sighed and pulled you on his lap.
"no project and no one comes before you. from now on let me pick you up from work alright?" he whispered, lips a few inches from yours "i thought i lost you tonight. let me take care of you sweet girl."
when your lips met, all your thoughts vanished.
rafe was here. you were going home together, you knew you were going to be safe.
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megalony · 1 month
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You Need To Choose
This is an Evan Buckley imagine, requested by anon. I love writing tropes like this so thank you for sending it in and I hope you will all like it. Feedback always makes my day.
Taglist: @lunaticspoem@sj-thefanthefan@hellsdragon@im-an-adult-ish@crazylittlethingg@allauraleigh@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ceres27@avyannadawn@sleepylunarwolf@coverupps@justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe @woderfulkawaii  @amberpanda99 @daggersquadphantom @marvel-and-chicago-fan @angryknightstatesmantrash @minjix @lyjen @kmc1989 @itsmytimetoodream @noonenuts @hiireadstuff @ashie-babie @classyunknownlover @jayyeahthatsme @sp1ritssz
Buck Masterlist
Summary: Evan saves a woman who then becomes very attached to him. While he is at work, she visits his home and takes his pregnant wife hostage.
Enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Oh God, why was she back again?
Her smile did something to unnerve Evan, although he wasn't altogether sure why. It was the way she looked at him, like there was some kind of aura around him that nobody else had. It unsettled him, it made him panicked and uneasy and unsure about how to act or what to do.
Evan could feel his hands suddenly start to drag up and down his thighs in an anxious habit that reminded him of (Y/n). He didn't realise how many of her anxious traits he had too until he noticed the way (Y/n) would fidget or cling to him when she was nervous or ready to go home if they were out somewhere.
"Hi Buck,"
He fought hard to smile and try to be polite. It wouldn't be kind if he stared at her blankly or let his unease become visible.
"Hi… are you okay? Can I help you with something?"
Evan tucked his hands into his pockets as he stood in front of her but kept a safe distance of three feet between them.
This marked the third time Cara had come by the station and the second time, Evan had been lucky enough to be out on a call. She was only stopping by to talk to him, she didn't want to see any of the team. She asked for him the first time she popped round and she came to say thank you.
It had been very sweet, not many people willingly came by the station to thank any of the team when they helped people out of bad situations. They said thank you on the scene but never followed up and it was nice for Evan to see Cara was doing well. He often wondered about the people they saved, if they were okay, if they were happy or struggling. If they remembered the people who came to help them.
The second time, Evan had been uneasy when Chimney told him Cara came by again but left when she was told Evan was out.
Now she was back again, and Evan couldn't see why. She had thanked him the first time and he told her it was his job, he didn't do this for praise although it was lovely of her to stop and say thank you.
She had been trapped in a crumbling building when the team turned up at the scene and Cara had been seconds away from crashing through a window and falling to her death when Eddie and Evan got there. Evan went down on a rope and managed to grab her before she fell. He could see how it would shake her up and make her grateful, but he couldn't see why she would come back again and again to thank him when she didn't have to.
"I'm a lot better now, thank you. I thought I'd stop by and give you these."
Evan had been preoccupied wondering why she was here and missed the tuppaware box she had in her hands. When he leaned forward, he realised she had made some sort of cake.
The team got a lot of food, mainly chocolates or baked goods to say thank you and that was usually around Christmas or Easter.
Evan wasn't used to getting gifts from the people they saved, a polite thank you and a hug was always more than enough for him. He got enough gifts from the team and his family on special occasions. The last gift he got was (Y/n)'s gift on his birthday telling him he was going to be a dad. That had given him a whole new high he never felt before.
"Thank you," He tried his best to smile and took the box when she suddenly thrust it into his hands. "You didn't have to do that."
"It's the least I could do for my hero."
He could feel his smile fading away when she reached up and wrapped an arm around his neck to pull him into a hug.
He usually gave small hugs on the scene after saving someone, not weeks later when they came by to say thank you. He wasn't sure what to do. It wouldn't do him good to stand like an uncomfortable statue but he also didn't want to hug her as if they were good friends or give her the wrong impression. Evan was big on hugs and physical contact but only with close friends and family.
He was always messing about with Bobby and Eddie but they were more like family. Evan didn't do so well with strangers.
"Okay… take care." His smile was definitely more forced this time and looked more like a grimace when Cara finally let him go when she seemed to realise he wasn't hugging her back.
It wouldn't be professional to hug her back. He hadn't done anything to warrant a hug, he saved her almost three weeks ago and she said thank you on the scene. She wasn't a friend, she wasn't family or someone Evan knew well enough to have physical contact with. And he was married. He didn't want nor need to be hugging her.
As soon as she left the station, Evan turned around and let his shoulders deflate. He sighed and gritted his teeth as he looked over towards Hen who was checking the inventory in the ambulance.
"What'd you get?"
"Cake, I think." He hoped.
"Taking it home for (Y/n)?" She poked her tongue out between her teeth and grinned widely but the grin started to slip when Evan shook his head and frowned like she'd just insulted him. "You get given cake- something your extremely pregnant wife loves, and you're not taking it home for her?"
"Not when I don't know who's made it." Evan brought the tuppaware box up to his eyes and squinted through the plastic. "I don't know what's in it, I'm not risking giving that to (Y/n). Do you want it?"
He could see the wheels turning in Hen's mind and she hummed, pursing her lips as she suddenly agreed with him.
It was a lovely gesture, but Evan didn't know Cara. He didn't know if she would lace the cake like one woman had done with the brownies she sent in. Evan didn't know if she would drug the cake or add some strange ingredient. It was too risky to take home to (Y/n) when Evan got a bad vibe from Cara as it was. He wasn't giving her food baked by a stranger.
(Y/n) was nine months pregnant, Evan wouldn't risk giving her something that might make her sick. He'd rather play it safe and buy her cake on the way home from shift.
"Erm, maybe not."
Evan nodded her way before he walked towards the stairs and on his way past, he tossed the box in the bin. It was a kind gesture, but he wasn't eating it and Bobby had rules. No food or drink to be accepted from strangers. It didn't matter how kind they were or what lovely intentions they had, no one should accept food. Only close friends and family could bake goods and bring them into the station.
And something told Evan not to try that cake.
***
"What are you doing?"
A gasp burned past (Y/n)'s lips and her left hand clutched the curtain rail while she flapped her right hand out. She grabbed Evan's shoulder to steady herself when she suddenly felt his hands tightly digging into her hips and his chest press up against her hips and bum.
"Evan don't do that!" She bashed her hand against his chest before she moved back to clutching his shoulder when she wobbled.
Her lips pressed into a thin line and she scowled down at her husband while he pressed his chin against her hip and stared up at her with that stern expression that made her weak at the knees. She slowly let go of the curtain rail and shuffled around on the stool until she was fully facing Evan.
Her hands held his shoulders as she hunched over in a silent plea for him to help her down.
"The curtain came down again, I was putting it back up." She mumbled when Evan locked his arms in place and kept her stood high up above him. She watched him tilt his head forward and press his lips against her bump while his hands curved round from her hips to hold the back of her waist.
He let her lean her weight down onto him and slowly eased her down until she was safely back on her feet. (Y/n)'s hands stayed on Evan's shoulders and she tilte dher head back to look up at him.
"And you thought giving me a heart attack was worth it?" His eyes darted between (Y/n) and the curtain until she leaned forward and buried her face in his chest.
He peered into the nursery and saw her standing on a stool, leaning heavily on the window. And from his angle, it looked like she was unsteady and about to fall. Evan didn't need that kind of panic when he was already on edge as it was. He had one more week of work and (Y/n) was bang on nine months now. Her due date was next week and Evan was panicking that she was going to go into labour while he was at work.
He didn't need to walk round the house and see her daring to stand on a stool like that and risk a fall.
"I've done it now, I was fine until you scared me."
"Well next time just tell me rather than risking a fall." Evan was taller, he could reach the curtain rail without straining or going on his tiptoes. (Y/n) didn't have to do it by herself when she could just tell him and he would sort it.
Her hands tightened on his shoulders and she tilted her head back so her chin was tucked into the middle of his chest. The way she batted her lashes at him made Evan's chest tighten and she knew she had won him over when his stern look faded into a soft smile.
"How do you feel today?" He let his hand slide down to cradle her stomach and his head tilted to the side. They both knew what he was actually asking.
(Y/n) looked down and let her fingers glide down Evan's arm until she cupped his wrist.
"Just kicking, they're not coming today. You can relax, baby Buckley is staying put for today." Her thumb smoothed across the back of Evan's hand which she moved to the lower right side of her stomach so he could feel a small kick.
She wasn't feeling any strange movements or feeling the baby turning round yet. No more lower back pain than usual and no dull aches or cramps anywhere that would imply labour. They still had a few more days or even a week left. Evan could go to work calm, knowing he wasn't going to miss anything today.
"Good. You're not allowed to go into labour without me."
"I know, but I'm not holding out much longer. The baby might not be ready, but I am."
"Just three more shifts, baby girl. Wait three more shifts, for me, please?" Evan lifted his hand to cup her chin and tilted her head back while he smoothed his thumb across her lower lip that he pinched to watch her take a sharp breath.
He knew (Y/n) was getting restless. He hadn't known her take so many baths as she had in the last three months, but it was where she felt most comfortable and where the baby seemed to settle and sleep. (Y/n) was tired. She thought she would of had the baby by now, she thought she wouldn't make it to her due date. But the baby seemed very comfy and cosy and (Y/n) was getting fed up of waiting.
Evan, on the other hand, was somehow containing his excitement. He had agreed with Bobby to work right up until (Y/n)'s due date because it gave him an extra two weeks off after the baby was born. Rather than taking time off in the lead up to the birth. He would rather work until (Y/n) had the baby and then he could have a few straight weeks off to be home and help her with the baby.
He had barely taken any annual leave this year so he had a lot stored up that he could take when the baby was born in case (Y/n) or the baby were ill or needed him. Or in case he had a hard time going back to work, he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to settle back at work and leave his family at home.
"Sweet-talker," (Y/n) muttered quietly before she pushed up on her toes and pressed a kiss to his lips.
He enticed a gasp from her lips when he sank his teeth into her bottom lip so he could swipe his tongue past her lips. (Y/n) could feel his hand tightening in the back of her shirt and he tugged her closer until she was tightly meshed against his front.
"You'll be late."
"Hm," He grinned and panted against her lips as his nose brushed against hers until she shook her head when it started to tickle. "You call me if you need me, even if you just feel sick. I've always got my phone on me now and if you can't get hold of me, call Bobby."
"I promise." Her lips attached to the side of his neck and she curled her arms around his shoulders to pull him down to her. Her face buried into his shoulder and she could feel his chest vibrating with a chuckle.
(Y/n) seemed to be promising Evan every shift that she would call him if she needed anything. She never did. Maddie was always popping round to check in and make sure she was alright when she knew Evan was at work and so far (Y/n) had been fine. But she knew Evan had cleared it with Bobby for (Y/n) to be able to get hold of him because if she needed him, he had to be able to answer.
Her hands trailed to his shoulders and she leaned back when Evan bent forward and pressed his lips against her stomach. His hand slipped beneath her shirt to dance across her skin because he knew it made her shimmy and squirm.
"Be good. Don't make an appearance until daddy comes home."
When Evan felt a kick near his lips, he grinned. (Y/n) tangled her fingers through his curls and steadily stroked them towards the back of his head while she rolled her eyes.
"They're definitely going to be a daddy's child."
***
"Hello?" (Y/n) tightened her hand around the door handle and tried to form a calm smile when she opened the door.
She wasn't expecting visitors today, she wasn't even sure that Maddie would stop by today or if she was at work. (Y/n) had been expecting to spend another calm day at home and tuck herself up in bed until Evan came home later on tonight.
(Y/n) didn't recognise the woman on the other side of the door. She had shoulder-length gritty blonde hair that was slightly damp from the hot weather and it made her hair curl and crimp at the ends. She had one hand curled around her bag on her shoulder and the other was planted firmly on her hip.
Whoever she was, she didn't seem happy to see (Y/n) opening the door. Had she gotten the wrong address? Was she looking for a friend or family?
"Who are you?" Her demanding question took (Y/n) by surprise and the smile faded from her lips as she clung a bit tighter to the door. It should be (Y/n) saying that, not whoever this woman was.
"I-"
"Where's Buck, is he home?"
The way she leaned to try and peer around (Y/n) into the house made a shiver crawl down (Y/n)'s spine.
So whoever she was, she clearly had the right address. She was looking for Evan. (Y/n) dared not think why this woman was looking for him, she seemed rather put-out at seeing (Y/n) instead. And the way she was tapping her foot against the doorstep made (Y/n) uneasy, it was like (Y/n) was wasting her time.
"He's at work right now… can I help you? I'm his wife." It seemed to be the wrong thing to say.
(Y/n) rolled her lips together and braced her left hand out on the wall when the woman in front of her took a stumbling step backwards. It was as if (Y/n) had gone and slapped her.
Who was she? How did she know Evan but not know that he was married? He wore a silver band on his ring finger for God's sake, that was a big giveaway. His lockscreen was a picture of them when they were on holiday and his home screen was a more daring picture of (Y/n) that not many people saw or noticed.
Evan didn't hide the fact that he was married, he told just about anyone and he had been high as a kite these last few months at the notion of being a father. His friends were mainly the people he worked with and the few friends he knew from college. All of whom (Y/n) had met and gone out with on quite a few occasions.
Their circle of friends was close-knit, small and secure. And this woman was not a part of that circle.
"His- no, he's not married." Cara's hand tightened on her hip and she tried to smirk, but the look faded again when (Y/n) simply frowned.
"Excuse me?"
(Y/n) could feel her annoyance beginning to build up like a fire ebbing away at her and growing with each passing second. She was tired, she wanted to go to bed and lie down and dwindle away the hours until Evan came home. The last thing (Y/n) wanted was an argument on her own doorstep because some derranged woman had turned up out of the blue.
"Who are you?"
"I told you, I'm his wife. He isn't here, do you want me to call him?" (Y/n) wasn't playing this silly game. She didn't have to prove that she was married to Evan. It was up to this woman to explain what she wanted Evan for and either call him herself or leave.
(Y/n) leaned her weight on the wall when the baby started to move and press down on her hips.
But when she watched the way the stranger in front of her suddenly stared down at her stomach, (Y/n) felt like wishing the ground to swallow her whole. She could feel the daggers burning into her stomach and the woman's face turned a dark shade of red like the epitome of anger was right here in front of her.
The silence was unbearable, until (Y/n) strained hard to hear what this woman was suddenly muttering under her breath. Then, (Y/n) was suddenly desperate for the silence to come back.
"Pregnant? You're having his kid? You can't be. You can't be."
It was like those were the only words this woman could comprehend and it made (Y/n) shiver.
Was this the lady who kept turning up at the station? Evan mentioned a woman kept stopping by even after she thanked him and the team for saving her. (Y/n) didn't think anything of it because Evan didn't seem to elaborate or make much of a fuss.
"I think you need to leave now."
"I'm not going anywhere!"
(Y/n) shuddered and quickly backed up when the woman smashed her hand out into the door and slammed it so violently it hit the wall and rebounded into (Y/n)'s arm. She felt a bolt of electricity shooting down her elbow towards her hand that spasmed in pain but she swallowed down a cry.
There was no time for (Y/n) to try and slam the door shut, let alone think about locking the door to keep herself and her baby safe.
Before she could move, the woman was over the threshold and pushing her way into the house.
(Y/n) tried to bash her hands out but she recoiled her hands to her chest with a gasp when something sharp caught the side of her wrist and burned down her arm.
She had a knife. A swiss army knife, to be exact.
It was a red rectangular plastic with a lot of various sized blades tucked away and even a thin set of scissors attached. (Y/n) didn't see her take that out of her bag, she moved far too quickly and it was very unsettling to know this woman carried one around with her in her bag.
"Where is he?!"
"I- I told you, he's at work- please stop. Why do you want to see him?" (Y/n) tried to swipe away the small trickle of blood from her wrist but she lashed her left hand out again when the woman moved the knife near her stomach. She wasn't going to harm the baby. (Y/n) wouldn't let her.
"I want him! He's mine- he saved me. We've been out on dates, bet you didn't know that."
It took all (Y/n) had not to roll her eyes or make a sarcastic sound. As if she would truly believe Evan could be the way he was around her and then go behind her back with someone else. He wouldn't be this clingy and attached to (Y/n) if he really was going out with someone else and he wouldn't be so excited about having their baby if he wanted to leave (Y/n).
She knew her husband and she knew he was as devoted to her as she was to him. Everyone at the station was always telling her that. Clearly this woman had either been reading the signals wrong, or she had been living in a fantasy that had just broken.
"He isn't here-"
"So call him and get him here!"
When the knife moved closer to her stomach, (Y/n) backed up into the lounge and nodded. Her hands started to tremble as she turned and looked around for her phone. This woman had to be derranged. She clearly didn't have Evan's number or she would have called him herself and unless Evan had a secret phone he wasn't telling (Y/n) about, he couldn't be having an affair.
No one nowadays had affairs where they only talked in person or through the post. This woman didn't have Evan's number, she had no way of contacting him and it was clear she had never been to the house before. Her fantasy was unravelling because she was realising Evan had a life and a family that she wasn't part of.
(Y/n) slowly pointed to her phone and picked it up just as she felt the knife press against the side of her abdomen. She couldn't make any sudden movements unless she wanted to risk harming the baby.
"H-he might not be able to answer, if he's out on a call…" (Y/n)'s fingers trembled as she unlocked her phone.
Her lips pressed together in a thin line when she looked at her home screen. Evan, lying in bed with one hand tangled in his hair and a cheesy grin on his face as he squinted up at the camera.
Her thumb hovered over Evan's icon at the bottom of her phone where two hearts surrounded 'hubby'.
"Either he answers, or he truly doesn't love you. He wouldn't leave you alone ready to pop without a way for you to contact him, would he?"
It didn't feel safe to tell this woman that they had protocols and plans in place for that kind of event. If Evan couldn't answer the phone, (Y/n) was supposed to ring Bobby. If he didn't answer, she had the fire station emergency line where someone at the station would answer and they could radio through to Evan. He would get (Y/n)'s message either way, but right now, she needed her husband to answer the phone.
God knows what this woman would do if he didn't pick up.
"What do I tell him?" She couldn't risk getting a knife to the stomach if she said the wrong thing or said something this lady didn't want her to say. (Y/n) needed to know what to do.
"Tell him to come home. Tell him Cara's here and she needs to see him, if he doesn't… I think you know what will happen."
(Y/n) let herself slump down on the sofa as she clicked Evan's icon and pressed the phone against her ear. Her free hand tangled in her hair before she moved to press the back of her hand against her mouth to stop herself from crying. But she couldn't fight off the few tears that silently slipped down the bridge of her nose.
The baby was twisting. Her stomach was flooding with adrenaline. Her body was shaking from the panic. She felt like she was going to be sick. (Y/n) wanted her husband more than ever.
"Sweetheart, everything okay? Is it time, is the baby coming?" Words rambled past Evan's lips and he couldn't see the relief on (Y/n)'s face when he started to speak. He knew she wouldn't ring him unless it was urgent or an emergency.
"Evan, can you come home please?"
"Baby are you okay?" He could hear the wobble in her voice and it made his heart clench. He would come home, she knew he would, but Evan had to know what the situation was and why he was coming home. He had to know if (Y/n) was in labour or if she had fallen or was feeling sick or felt like something was wrong. He needed the specifics.
"Cara's here, a-and she wants to talk to you… it's important, please come home."
"Cara? What's she doing at the house- how does she know where we live?" Evan tangled his fingers in the short curls at the back of his head as he spun round in a circle.
How did she know where he lived? Why had she turned up at his house and not the station?
Oh God, had she been following him to know where he lived?
"Baby are you hurt, please tell me she hasn't hurt you?"
(Y/n) darted her eyes to the left and glanced over at Cara to see if she could hear Evan through the phone or not. She looked a little calmer now but the fire was still burning in her eyes. She was sat on the arm of the sofa next to (Y/n), the army knife still dangerously close to (Y/n)'s stomach just to show her she still meant business.
When she looked up, she noticed Cara had seen her eyes darting down to the knife and something sinister flickered across her face.
"You can tell him I have a knife with me. And I will use it if he doesn't take us seriously."
"Did- she's got a fucking knife?!" Evan's feet moved before he could comprehend what he was doing or where he was going. He needed help. He needed someone to come down to his house with him. He was sure he heard Cara say she would use her knife. He couldn't have her threatening or hurting (Y/n). Especially not when she was so close to giving birth.
"Evan-" (Y/n) shuddered and took a sharp breath when the phone was suddenly snatched from her hand.
"Buck, it's me. Are you on your way?"
"What are you doing at my house? Don't you dare hurt my wife! I swear to God I'll-"
"Enough talk. You need to come home now, so you can choose who you really want to be with. You need to choose the right woman for you."
(Y/n) flinched when she heard Evan begin to yell before the call ended and Cara tossed the phone on the floor. At least Evan would be coming home soon. (Y/n) wouldn't have to be on her own with this unhinged woman for much longer.
For a little while, (Y/n) began rubbing her hands up and down her thighs and across her knees as something to distract herself. She was desperate to run her hands over her stomach and try to settle the baby but she didn't dare draw attention to her stomach. Not when the knife was still held so close to her that she could almost feel it.
Part of her prayed that Evan would bring someone from the station with him, maybe Bobby or perhaps he could get hold of Athena. But she wasn't sure what Cara would do if he turned up with anyone else and if he called the police, everything would get worse.
Both women turned to look at each other when they heard the screeching of tyres in the drive.
It had to be Evan.
"Up. Now."
A shiver rocketed through (Y/n) but she did as requested, she didn't exactly have a choice.
Her lips pressed into a thin line and her hands coiled around her chest when the knife jabbed into the left side of her waist. She could feel the jagged edge beginning to pull the threads on her shirt and if Cara pushed just a little, she would pierce through into (Y/n)'s skin.
Cara's other hand moved to grip the back of (Y/n)'s right arm and she pushed her to stand near the window just as Evan banged his knuckles on the door.
"Baby it's me." The door was open but Evan felt apprehensive about going inside. He didn't know what he was going to be walking into, he had no idea if (Y/n) was okay, if she was going to be in shock or crying or hurt or oddly calm. He didn't know what state Cara would be in either.
"You'd better be alone. No one else comes in or I'll hurt her." Cara tightened her hand on (Y/n)'s arm and kept the knife in place to stop (Y/n) from moving when they both watched Evan walk through the hall.
He had his hands out in front of him to show he wasn't about to do anything. He had Bobby waiting outside in the car, but Evan wasn't stupid enough to tell Cara that. And Bobby was on the phone to Athena who was going to send a squad car down here without lights or sirens so Cara didn't get disgruntled.
"It's just me." Evan walked around the corner and paused near the sofa.
(Y/n) saw the way his eyes darkened and his broad shoulders tensed and lifted up when he looked at them. He lowered his hands down to his sides and clenched his hands into fists while his biceps started to push against his cuffed sleeves.
A quiet 'good' murmured past Cara's lips and she smiled triumphantly while her eyes focused on Evan. He stood behind the sofa and leaned his hands down on the back of the sofa. It showed how tense his arms were and they both heard his neck crack when he twisted his head from side to side.
"Are you okay?" Evan focused his eyes on his wife. She had a cut on her right wrist but it didn't look too extensive. He could see her trembling and tears were traced down her features, but she didn't look too shook up which is all he could ask for right now.
"She's fine."
(Y/n) bit her lip but she nodded, she didn't want Evan to worry, she was as fine as she could be in this situation.
"I'd feel a lot better if you weren't holding a knife to her stomach. Can you put it down, please?" It felt horrid to try and be reasonable and bargain with Cara but Evan needed her to stop holding (Y/n) like that. She was going to hurt her or send her into shock and Evan didn't want either of those things happening.
"No. Sit down, we need to talk."
Evan locked his jaw when Cara gave (Y/n) a sudden push towards the armchair beneath the window. He watched with narrowed eyes as (Y/n) slumped down into the chair and dug her nails into the arm rest while her other hand moved to press against her stomach.
When Cara perched down on the arm rest and kept the knife against (Y/n)'s stomach, Evan moved round and sat on the very edge of the sofa. His knees spread out to the sides and his hands clasped together and hung between his knees.
"You didn't tell me about her." The way Cara inclined her head towards (Y/n) and her upper lip curled in distaste made Evan take a deep breath. "You led me on. I've been to visit you at work, I've been out with you, and no mention of her."
For a second, Evan frowned and looked up at Cara like she had grown a second head.
But then it dawned on him. He'd seen her when he was out at the shop last week. He'd seen her again when he went for a drink with Chimney and Eddie after shift. He even saw her at the gas station walking past while he was filling the jeep. Nothing about those instances had seemed strange because Cara barely spoke to him on each occasion.
Had she thought seeing him out in public meant they were going out together? Did she somehow concoct a whole story with Evan without him realising? Had she been following him instead of simply bumping into him in the street?
"I'm sorry, but you can see why I didn't tell you… I was married before I met you." Evan didn't exactly know what to say, but he knew he had to try and go along with this for a little while. He had to calm Cara down enough to get (Y/n) out the house, then he could sort out this mess. He just needed his family out the way and safe.
"Well now you have a problem. You can't have both of us, so you have to choose."
The knife pressed closer into (Y/n)'s stomach and she flinched. She shuffled as close to the right as she could until she was curled around the arm of the chair with her arms around her chest and her eyes locked on Evan.
"Will you let (Y/n) leave then, so you and me can talk in private?"
He could see she wasn't expecting that response, and Cara didn't know what to do. Evan was trying to get (Y/n) out safely, he wanted her out the house and out of harms way and Cara might be able to see that. But she also couldn't pass up the chance that Evan might just want to pick her and talk this through with her.
"What about the baby? If you leave her, will you leave the baby too?" When Cara jabbed the knife into (Y/n)'s side to prove her point, (Y/n) visibly winced and bit down her cry.
"We can talk about that when (Y/n) leaves us alone," Evan was losing his patience now, he couldn't play pretend for much longer.
Cara seemed to debate it for a few seconds before she nodded but her actions contradicted her gesture when she moved the knife and against (Y/n)'s neck. She seemed to revel in the way (Y/n) whimpered and leaned back and more tears drenched her face.
"Go upstairs. You're not leaving the house to call any of your little friends."
(Y/n) could feel the knife pressing tightly into her neck until it pierced the skin and a small trickle of blood trailed down the side of her neck, but she couldn't move. Her hands stayed locked around the arm of the chair and she closed her eyes for a few seconds. She didn't feel well enough to move. Everything within (Y/n) was telling her to move, to get up and go and keep the baby safe.
She knew Evan could look after himself, he could get the knife off Cara and calm her down until they could get the police here. But she couldn't find the will power to move when her stomach was twisting and she felt sick.
"Sweetheart," Evan chomped down on his tongue when Cara sent him a warning look. "(Y/n), go."
"Are you stupid? Move, he's told you he doesn't want you here anymore."
Tears tumbled down (Y/n)'s face and she stumbled up to her feet when Cara gave her a rough shove between the shoulders and she felt the knife slide down her neck, creating a superficial wound.
(Y/n) could feel her knees quaking but she couldn't stop the small cry from errupting past her lips when she looked down. Both her hands cradled her stomach and she darted her wild, panicked eyes to look over at Evan. She watched the way her husband tensed up and his eyes bulged in their sockets.
Her waters had broken.
"Evan…" She didn't know what she wanted to say or what she wanted her husband to do, but (Y/n) needed Evan to do something.
She cringed and pinned her elbows into her waist when Cara snagged a handful of her hair and pulled her head right back until her neck felt like it had broken.
"You've done this on purpose! This is to make sure he won't leave you- you bitch!"
"Let her go- Cara that's enough!" Evan raised his voice out of instinct and bolted up from the sofa when he saw the knife move near (Y/n)'s stomach. He couldn't let her do anything to his wife. She was frightened and in pain and now she was going to go into labour at the worst possible time. Evan had to keep them both safe and away from Cara.
(Y/n) reached her hands out for Evan when he stumbled towards her. She let out a scream when the knife swiped near her stomach just as she tried to lunge forward and pull out of Cara's tight grip on her hair.
Her hands curled around Evan's arm and she let him yank her forwards until he had her safely behind him. Evan hated the way he felt (Y/n) go down on her knees behind him and he felt her hands scratch down his back and his leg but he couldn't grab her. He had to reach forward for Cara who tried to lunge with a violent scream that almost deafened him.
The knife slashed the inside of Evan's palm but the adrenaline countered out the slight sting he barely felt. He curled his fingers around the blade and pulled until he had hold of the weapon which he launched somewhere behind him. He heard it clatter against the bannister and was satisfied it was far enough away so Cara couldn't reach for it again just as he heard the front door swing open.
"Buck?!"
Evan had never been happier to hear Bobby's voice and the thudding sound of approaching footsteps told him that someone else was in the house too. Someone else was here to help. He latched his fingers around Cara's wrist and pushed until they both stumbled and a scream tore from her lips when they clashed into the armchair.
When hands grabbed his shoulders, Evan let go and allowed whoever it was to reel him backwards until he was towards the sofa.
He realised it was Bobby who had hold of him and Athena was now stood in front of him like a bodyguard, trying to move and calm Cara enough to arrest her.
"Buck, Buck, come on, up." Bobby slipped his hands beneath Evan's arms and pulled until Evan bent his knees and managed to stand up. He could feel Bobby turning him in the right direction and giving him a helpful nudge until he moved towards (Y/n).
She was cowering down on the floor behind the sofa, one hand braced on the arm of the sofa with her other hand cradling her stomach.
Tears flooded down her face and she could barely see when Evan held her chin and tilted her head up so they were level again. His thumb swiped across her lips and (Y/n) could see his eyes raking over her to see what injuries she had. Her wrist was aching but it had already stopped bleeding, it was more of a nuisance than anything. There was a slight pinch in the left side of her stomach and (Y/n) knew Evan could see the small trickle of blood soaking into her shirt.
The knife had given her another superficial cut on the side of her abdomen that was nothing to worry about. But the look in Evan's eyes said it all; he wasn't impressed, not in the least.
(Y/n) curled her hand tightly around Evan's wrist when his hand slid round to cradle the back of her neck. He leaned closer until (Y/n) could bury her face in his neck and his other arm curved around her waist to keep her tucked up against his chest.
"Alright, alright sweetheart I've got you. It's okay." He spoke quietly into the top of her head as he felt her tears soaking into his neck and it made him shiver.
"Are you both alright?" Bobby rested his hand on Evan's shoulder as he crouched down and tried to assess them. He knew Evan's hand was bleeding, he could see the blood pooling between his fingers and trickling steadily down his wrist. But he hadn't been inside when everything turned south, Bobby hadn't seen if they had been hurt before he and Athena barged in.
"Her water broke."
"Right, then we need to take a trip down to the hospital."
(Y/n) tried to keep her face tucked up into Evan's neck but he gently reeled her back so he could look down at her again. She could feel his thumb smoothing up and down the back of her neck beneath her hair and his other hand began rubbing circles into her lower back. The smile o his face was calming, but not as much as the way his blue eyes seemed to swirl like a light was being shone in his aqua blue iris.
"Let's go have a baby."
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inkskinned · 10 months
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im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
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ssparksflyy · 4 months
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my percy jackson dating hcs !
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pairing : percy jackson x gn! reader warnings : small cursing a/n : this is my first fic (kind of) , so lmk what u think! also OMG the images are such bad quality im so sorry
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percy jackson? you mean the total pinterest bf?
whenever he can, you best believe this boy is either holding your hand or giving you hugs hugs hugs
whenever he holds your hand, it's usually with your fingers interlocked and with a small grip
im talkin like a tiny squeeze but just- all the time
cause, lets be honest, the whole getting-kidnapped-by-the-goddess-of-the-heavens-and-going-missing-for-months thing has left the both of you scarred, so he likes to have a small grip on your hand so you know that he's not going aaannnyyyyywhere
but if you dont like that, then ofc he won't do it. percy would never do anything to you that you don't like / makes you uncomfortable, sally taught him better than that !
SPEAKING OF THE QUEEN
percy 100% tells his mom everything about you
so naturally, shes ecstatic to meet you !
( i mean who wouldn't be, look at yourself, muah )
when you do meet her, it doesn't take long for you to realize you love this woman almost as much as you love her son
sally jackson is the sweetest human being you've ever met, she cooks for you, tells you stories about baby percy ( best believe that scrapbook is coming out ! ) laughs at all your jokes, and listens to your stories as if she's watching a telenovela
im not surprised if you guys just become total besties while percy and paul just kinda sit there like 🙂
if he meets your parent(s), this boy is the most respectful mf you've ever seen
not that he goes all "i'm sorry, the old percy can't come to the phone right now, why? oh! cause he's meeting y/n's parents and turned into a new person!"
he just wants to make sure that he has a good impression with them
omg and if u have little siblings?? gods, he'll play with them allllll day and they'll have sm fun together
anyways back to the couple of the hour
hugs from percy are literally the best hugs you'll ever receive
they're so warm omg
and he will never ever pull away from a hug first
somebody's calling him? they gotta wait cause he's hugging his #1 over here !!
i feel like he'd give just really gentle hugs like, he'll just put his arms on your waist and place his chin on your head and bam
ya'll could just stand there hugging for hours
ofc, dates are limited at chb, but you guys make it work <3
obviously, he lovesss planning dates nearby the lake
and no matter how many times you do go to the lake, he always finds ways to make each date different than the last
im talkin a picnic, making matching necklaces out of shells, building sandcastles, beach volleyball ( hes very pro, he'll teach you if you don't know how to play ofc ), swimming ( again, if you don't know how to swim it'll be his #1 priority to teach you how to ), and little trips around the lake in a canoe <3
and this man, LOVES his underwater kisses
he could literally push you into the water then be like ' oh no y/n fell into the lake, gotta go save them! ' then come back like 5 mins later all grinning cause all you did was KISS ya weirdos
i also feel like percy is on it with his skincare routine
and it's so basic too?? like all he does is cleanse and bam perfect skin
its not fair
but he'd also really care and make sure that his lips are always soft and never ever chapped or dry
not only because he wants to make sure you enjoy every kiss you two share <3 but also because he hates the way it feels when his lips are the slightest bit dry
sensory issues are something that people with adhd face ( its me, hi! ) and some people dont know that !
so best believe he always carries chapstick in his pocket <33
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a/n pt.2 : hii! hope you enjoyed my hcs <333 did ya catch all my taylor swift references? also im sorry for any spelling and all the grammar mistakes, sometimes i'll add the apostrophe and sometimes, well, i dont
lmk if you want a pt 2! or leave any requests! i'll write for anyone, romantic or platonic, but no smut, whatsoever aaand yea! thats all<3
peace from manhattan,
percy jackson
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kkatsukiswife · 1 year
Text
Bodyguard Bakugou Katsuki x super extra kind reader that’s a pro hero’s daughter who’s utterly ashamed of needing a bodyguard
You regret never taking self defense classes, but are also embarrassed by your lack of street and social skills. A twenty-something year old woman that’s naive and easily manipulated by anyone that’s remotely nice to her, so her parents decide it’s for the best to have someone with her at all times.
Your friends think it’s sexist, that your parents are putting this big, strong man in charge of their daughter just because she’s a woman. But you knows it’s because you’re stupid and weak as a person, your friends just won’t admit it. They’ve tried to help you out, sending you to therapy, providing you with pepper spray and other sorts of weapons, but it was all useless.
So when Bakugou shows up to his first day of work he’s met with a bunch of rich girls staring him down. They think they’re being smooth, whispering bad things about him, trying to come off as intimidating. He just shrugs them off and gets the job done.
He’s with you every second of the day and you hate it. It’s isn’t even because you feel useless, actually that’s not it at all. In your mind having a bodyguard meant going shopping with a tall ass man carrying all your bags like in the movies, but Bakugou makes you carry your own bags. You thank him for that.
The actual problem is that he follows you everywhere you go. To class, to the shop, to your apartment, going out for drinks with the girls, even to your gynecologist appointment. Every time you turn around he’s there behind you and it drives you insane, you’re not a child you’re a grown adult for fucks sake.
One time you beg for him to let you go to breakfast with your friends by yourself, just this time. You beg and beg and after promising you won’t talk to anyone, or make eye contact with any stranger, that you’ll hurry up while crossing the street, after that he lets you go.
Fucking spoiled brat.
He’s following right behind, keeping his distance but still watching you like it is specified in his contract. And the worst part is that even after walking straight past him in your way home you never realize he’d followed.
Dumb bitch.
He doesn’t really have a problem with you, but your friends get him riled up. He’s used to putting up with rich children but dealing with annoying nepo babies is a whole other level. You’re fine though. You always make sure he’s comfortable, asking him if he needs anything, if he follows a special diet so you can learn new recipes. Hell you even change your morning classes to afternoon ones so he can go to the gym during the morning while you stay safe at home.
You’re very nice to him, more than you should. Sometimes it’s a problem, one time he finds out you’re planning on missing your friend’s birthday because you know he can’t stand her. It’s when you two cross her coming out of her Pilate class that he finds out.
“Oh love I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you doing?” He knows she’s talking to you, she never addresses him. But she’s nice to you at least.
He stands behind you looking bored as hell, but he’s actually pretty entertained by your gossip.
“I’m so glad you’re fine. Well, I guess we’ll see each other this Friday, I can’t wait to meet your drunk self again!” That comment makes a little noise in his brain, he doesn’t remember any plans being scheduled for that day.
“Oh no honey im sorry, I won’t go.” That sounds about right.
“But what do you mean? Why?” Bakugou is still standing behind you.
“Well, you know about this contract, Bakugou has to be with me at all times and this is something so personal I thought maybe, it’d be better to just leave it for another time. I can still visit you on Saturday, or maybe go some day during the week to a less concurrent place. I just don’t think it’d be easy for him to get his job done with that many people.”
Your friend is as surprised by your answer as is Bakugou. He can’t believe it, your stupidity levels have broken the scale. And your friends for sure will hate him now.
Before she can attack him he interrupts her.
“I’m sorry but what the fuck are you talking about. First of all, it’s my job to stick to you like I’m your fucking shadow, this is not your fault at all and I’m used to this, there’s no need for you to try and make it easier for me. Second, are you doubting my capability to follow you around in a crowded restaurant? For fucks sake I’m trained for this I could spot you in a subway station during peak hours from a mile away. Get your shit together and go to your friend’s party, I’ll sit on a different table if it’s needed I don’t care just fucking go and have fun.”
He’s offended at first, he walks home with you and doesn’t say a word during dinner until you speak up and explain the real reason behind your plan.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, or that I doubt you’re talented. I just… don’t think it’s gonna be the right place for you.” Just as you suck at defending yourself you also suck at explaining.
“Oh, uh, well that’s why I suggested I sat on a different table. I can still dress nicely if you don’t want me to embarrass you in front of your friends, I get it. And it’s in the contract so your parents will pay for it don’t worry.” He’s a little disappointed, even though he doesn’t want to admit it. He’s grown fond of you because you’ve proven him wrong. But now you’re turning out to be exactly who he expected you to be.
Your face feels hot and your hands start to sweat. “Shit no, no, no that’s not what I meant at all! Oh god, no, you’re fine! You really are, please dress however you want and you can sit with us! That’s really not the problem at all, oh god.” You can’t stop apologizing and showering him in compliments for almost ten minutes. It’s so embarrassing for both of you, Bakugou can feel his ears turning red as you keep telling him how nice he looks in his casual clothes. “Oh god, this is a terrible misunderstanding. I am aware that you don’t like my friends, and I’m aware they don’t like you either. So I thought I’d be doing the both of you a favor by not having to face each other for more than an hour. Also there’s going to be many people like her, like them, and you won’t feel comfortable at all, our conversations won’t interest you so it’d really suck for you!”
Bakugou wants to thrown up. He also wants to grab you by the cheeks and smash his lips against yours. You’re so sweet and nice and kind. It’s sickening. He wants you to hate him like your friends do, or to order him around telling him it’s his job to go places with you. Maybe even torture him a bit for being so harsh with you, taking him to boring nail salons or having tea with that annoying old neighbor that triggers his cat allergies.
But no, you’re so good to him, always. He wants to wrap you in a blanket and keep you warm forever, feeding you your favorite biscuits and keeping you safe from the outside world.
“It doesn’t matter, we’ll go. I promise I won’t be so bored.” That’s all he manages to say. Lies. It’s worth it though, cause he gets to see you smile with your friends and loosen up after a few drinks.
He takes you home with his jacket around your shoulders, he wipes your makeup off your face and helps you with your skincare routine. The hardest part is getting you to drink some water before bed, but he manages. He stays up all night though, thinking about you and your stupid, kind, heart.
Next part
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impishjesters · 5 months
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Im so obsessed with the nonsexual intimacy headcannon between reader and Jax. They are SO good! You're wonderful at writing Jax as well, it feels v in character!! (Even if we only have one ep. :P)
If you like, I would love to see your take on Jax with a reader who makes stuff to show affection. Clothes, art, ect. ect.
If not, that's fine! I love reading through your blog enough on its own, haha!
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Jax with a gift-giving affection s/o
warning(s): none A/N: You can't tell me Jax wouldn't get irritable during craft time, patience isn't his strong suit in this situation and he'd definitely overreact if something wasn't going as planned. It's craft time baby, not nuclear codes, you can breathe baby.
Jax isn’t the biggest fan of physical affection, he can but there’s a limit to how much he’ll tolerate.
Being shown your affection by handmade gifts? Well, he’s not used to receiving stuff like this but it’s an absolute breath of fresh air to the idea of being touched all the time.
If you’re his s/o then he’s a lot nicer about the stuff you make him, even if he doesn’t know what it is or have a use for it. (you could gift this bitch a rock with googly eyes and pipe cleaners and he’d still thank you and display it in his room, but in the back of his head he’s questioning what the hell this is and why you’re giving it to him)
If you aren’t dating yet then he’ll still accept the gifts but he’s more forward in asking what something is if he’s unsure. Which could sound like a genuine question or a flat-out rude statement, really depends.
Clothing and accessories are his favorite gifts because not only does he get to look snazzy, but he gets to show them off and rub it in other people’s faces that not only does he look bitchin’ but it’s you who made it for him.
He’s not typically vain but your clothing and accessories make his pride skyrocket.
Jax has zero creative crafting skills but he’ll often toss out an idea for something matching, usually something simple like an accessory but he’ll avoid matching rings. It feels too intimate, similar to certain other matching-themed items.
Now if you manage to rope him into making something with you, IE you supplying it and just sitting there making something together but separately.
The most this boy can make is a bead bracelet, the knot is awful so you’ll have to fix it later when he’s not looking. But hey, you get a one-of-a-kind Jax bracelet that looks like a child teenager made it. (he doesn’t have the patience for anything fancier)
Aside from clothing, Jax also favours any art stuff, especially if it’s of him. Since they won’t get as seen in his room he’s taken to displaying some of them around the tent with a not-so-vague threat that if anything happened to them he’d make sure the punishment followed the crime. (no Caine, you don't get to have an opinion, the picture is staying)
His favourite works stay safely in his room though, you don’t know it but he likes to look at them when he’s missing you. ew emotions
It doesn’t compare skill-wise, but Jax does occasionally try and gift you something in return.
Gangle somehow managed to rope Jax into joining her when crafting one time, saying it would be a nice little surprise to make something for you. (she was just lonely, she feels bad using you as an excuse like that but it worked!)
Once in a blue moon he’ll join Gangle to make you something, it’s a miracle Gangle puts up with him because his frustrations get a little wild for no reason. (he’s like a grumpy toddler in need of a nap time when he gets upset over crafting, man has no patience for the glue to dry)
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a-soft-hornytiny · 1 year
Text
Loved.
Summary: They don’t love me as much as I love them was what you thought while leaving for the better. And it was too late when they realized how important you are to them.
Word count: 1.5k+
Genre: Angst
Pairing: poly!ateez x neutral!reader
Warnings: neglect (be careful while reading) let me know if i missed something.
Notes: this is an anon request, thanks for requesting. It reminded me of the reaction i did to you distancing yourself hehe i rarely write angst and im not sure how happy i am with it but I hope it’s to your liking! 
Part 2 is up!
Taglist: after the cut (let me know if you wanna be added)
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Where did it go wrong? You thought while frantically packing your things. You had spent hours and hours to find what you did to deserve this but you couldn’t find anything. Nothing pointed towards you doing something wrong but nonetheless you were here, aggressively stuffing your things into a bag while tears were streaming down your face. 
It had started about a month ago. You should’ve been suspicious when they started coming home even later than usual, some of them not at all. Always telling you that there was a meeting at work and that they had already eaten, leaving you to sit at the dining table alone. In the beginning you had still waited for them, hoping every day that at least one of them would be there and have dinner with you but it was always the same.
“Sorry.” “The boss invited us for dinner.” “I’m so tired I need to go to sleep.” “We had take out at work.” 
It left you confused. There was a time where they fought about who can sit next to you during the meals but now it seemed like they didn’t care anymore. You had only realised what exactly was happening when you saw a picture on Wooyoung phone. A picture of them with one of their colleagues. A beautiful woman with a bright smile, surrounded by your boyfriends. 
Jealousy had immediately risen inside of you but you didn’t say anything. It was not like they weren’t allowed to spend time with other people. Instead, you let your doubts eat you from the inside. Did they eat with her every day? Was she the reason they stayed at work longer than they would normally? Was she better than you? 
The worst part was that they didn’t notice. They didn’t notice how you felt and that you were distancing yourself. You would’ve thought that at least one of them cares. But all they cared about was being with that woman. 
What hurt you the most was that they didn’t tell you about her. If they had been honest with you, you wouldn’t have created all these scenarios in your head. But they lied to you. 
“Yeosang?” You tried to get his attention by tapping his shoulder. It was rare that all eight of them were at home. You wanted to talk about it. Voice your anxious thoughts. Letting them go. “Who is that woman you all have been hanging around?” You asked him because you knew he would be honest with you. The room instantly became silent.
“Oh? Do you mean Haeun? She works with us.” Yeosang answered, not giving you a lot of information. “Why do you ask?” 
You didn’t know what to say. “I-.. I’m just curious.” You stuttered, looking down at your feet. 
“She is really fun to be around! Recently she even invited us for dinner and paid.” San said excitedly. His words stabbed right into your heart. This was worse than you expected.
They weren’t cheating on you. You somehow could feel that. It was worse. They hadn’t been doing anything with a bad intention. They simply enjoyed spending time with her. 
They took you for granted. 
From that conversation on you decided not to chase after them anymore. You didn’t wait until they came home to eat dinner. You didn’t ask them how their day was. The few messages that you got during the day, you ignored. If they wanted to tell you something they could tell you in person. 
Your boyfriends on the other side didn’t realize how much time they were spending with Haeun. And how less they were spending time with you. 
The first one to notice that something was weird about you was Mingi. He had always left you a message during the day. Sometimes about work, what they ate for lunch or when they would be coming home. And normally you would respond relatively quickly. But you didn’t answer at all.
He sat in his practice room, eyes glued on his phone. Read two hours ago. It said on his screen. Mingi had voiced his concerns to the others but they disagreed saying that you didn’t behave differently. But he missed you. He wanted to eat dinner with you. Yes, Haeun was fun and when she first got introduced to the team, it was exciting to meet someone new. But he missed the familiarity. It had always been important to Mingi that he was not taken for granted and now he was afraid that they had done exactly that to you. 
But he didn’t act on his feelings. He didn’t want to cause drama where there was none.
The second one to miss you was Jongho. “Y/n what do you…” He wanted to ask you for your opinion on his singing when he turned around and faced an empty room. Right, Y/n isn’t here. He reminded himself, immediately feeling a sting in his heart. Every Tuesday you would follow him to practice and listen to him sing. But as soon as he thought about it he realized that you hadn’t been there in multiple weeks. Jongho instantly remembered Mingi’s concerns and decided to go look for him.
When they finally opened up about their feelings and what they had been observing, Mingi and Jongho went to tell the others. 
Before they could even finish what they were trying to say, Seonghwa tried to call you. He was blaming himself for not giving you the attention you deserved. He wanted to beat himself up. It was so clear now that Mingi and Jongho had mentioned it.
How could they neglect you like this and not even notice? 
And that was the same question you asked yourself as you zipped up your bag. Just as you wanted to put your phone into your pocket, it started ringing. It was Seonghwa. You took a deep breath as you declined the call and left the apartment.
You didn’t know for how long or how far but you needed to get away. Right after getting into the taxi you had ordered, you turned off your phone indefinitely.
“Y/n isn’t answering.” Seonghwa announced, his voice shaking. 
“Get in the car. I’m driving us home.” Yunho said, leaving the room with big steps. The others following him. Yunho’s mind was racing. He wanted to stay calm. He needed to stay calm. He had to be strong. It didn’t matter how he felt, all he wanted was to see your face and make sure everything is fine. It was all just imagination. You will be waiting at home. He tried to tell himself while he was getting into the car. 
Hongjoong was trying to remember any signs of you changing while he was squeezing himself into the car. He had never been home as much as the others so it wasn’t strange for him to eat alone or to sneak into the bedroom without waking anyone up. But something had been strange. This morning, when he came out of the bathroom, he caught you staring at him. And he could swear you had tears in your eyes. But since you didn’t say anything he had assumed you were fine. This damn assumption.
When they finally arrived at their apartment, San immediately jumped out of the car and ran to the door.
“Y/n? Y/n!” He called you before he even entered the building. Wooyoung and Yeosang were right behind him. After finally opening the door they stormed in searching for you in their home. The rest followed them slowly, scared to not find you. 
It wasn’t until he heard a sob that Wooyoung slowed down. A sob? He made his way over to your room, gently pushing the door open. His eyes widened as he saw San kneeling in front of your bed, a note in his hands and his face buried in your sheets. 
“Sannie?” Wooyoung slowly walked closer to his loved one. “Y/n…” San sobbed, not able to form a sentence. “What is it Sannie?” Wooyoung kneeled down next to him, softly taking the note from his hands. As he started reading, tears formed in his eyes. 
And that was when the others finally found them. They looked at Wooyoung, hope and pain in their eyes at the same time as he slowly shook his head. Yeosang’s legs gave in as he saw the expression on Wooyoung’s face. You were gone. No no no that’s impossible he thought, staring to the ceiling with a blank face. You couldn’t leave them.
Still not wanting to believe what was happening, Yunho harshly snapped the note out of Wooyoung’s hand. 
I am going on a trip. Don’t text or call me, I need time to think. I hope you understand. I loved you so much.
His head went numb.
Loved. 
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Tags: @jonghoisbabie @multidreams-and-desires @little-precious-baby @yunhofingers-writes @serialee @crimsonbubble @cometoceantrenches @em--ilysm @deja-vux @kawaiiloli00 @ddeonghwva @aaaaajonghooooo @sansbun @cookies-n-joong @plonys @hijirikaww @nari-nim @yunkiwii @mingi-ivity @racheloveyunho @seongsangsgf @jhmylove @lizsvcks @yunhobabygurl @leoninadecorazones @kerra-that-one-random-fangirl @star1117-archives
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