#and in some cases we've been mutuals for a while and i'm just SHIT at reaching out
but when I put my work out there no one gives a shit. even the AI gets more of a reaction out of others, even if its purely negative. admit it, people only started to pretend to care about smaller artists and writers to stick it to the AI techbros
You're experiencing something that every creative on the planet has been struggling with since forever: the crushing disappointment of "I worked really hard on this but nobody even seems to notice it."
We've all been there. It sucks. We tend to feel a need for recognition and validation when we do or make something. Just about every artist or writer on here has experienced that disappointment, and wondered in despair if it's even worth continuing to make and post the things they make. After all, why put in all that effort to make something and share it, when nobody seems to care? Why keep investing so much into something you love, only to share it and find that no one else appreciates it like you do?
Well, if you've been in creative circles for a while, you've actually probably seen some answers to this question. See, we HAVE cared about our fellow small creators since long before """AI""" was really a concern. For years we've been making and sharing posts to help and uplift each other. We've told each other, don't create with the hope of getting fame and adulation, or you'll almost certainly be disappointed. We've told each other, create for your friends, for the 3 people who are as deeply invested in your rarepair or niche fandom as you are, create for yourself, create for the joy of creation. We've spread posts reminding people that a like is nice, but if you really enjoy someone's art, it helps the creator much more to reblog it, because it increases the work's visibility and reach. We have encouraged people to commission artists- and we have actually done so! See my little icon in the corner there? I commissioned that from a friend, who is a small artist themself. (@oriathura here and on the website formerly known as Twitter, in case anyone would like to commission them!)
The creative community has been supporting each other for a long time, whether you were aware of it or not. I've been on Tumblr since 2017, and have been following artists and writers that whole time, and began posting my own art and writing soon after joining. I have seen thousands of posts of the sort I described, trying to help motivate, reassure and uplift other creators. I have seen friends and mutuals get discouraged by the lack of response to their art, and wonder if they should give up. I have seen them carry on anyway, and I have seen them grow and develop as artists. I have posted my own work and gotten silence in response, and I have persisted anyway and continued to improve my craft and make work that I am proud of, regardless of how many people saw it or validated me through praise.
Because I wanted something to exist, and I made it exist, and I deserve to be proud of that. No matter how many people saw it or liked it.
You didn't ask for advice, but I'm going to offer some, and you and any other creatives reading this can take it or leave it, as you like:
*Find community. Follow some creative people, maybe acquire some creative mutuals. Join a Discord server for artists and/or writers. Get involved with a small group of fellow creators and hype each other up!
*Learn how to tag your posts. Don't spam a bunch of unrelated tags, of course, but learn how to add plenty of relevant ones. Lots of people follow tags for characters, fandoms, and even the "my writing" and "fiction" tags- I know I do. That will put your post on the dash of some people who are following those tags. The more people who see it, the more likely it is to reach the people who will enjoy it- because no matter the subject or even quality of the work, there IS an audience for it. Following and posting in these tags may even help you find community!
*Make something with no intention of ever sharing it. If you love to create but find yourself discouraged and frustrated by a lack of positive response when you share your work, make something just for yourself and keep it to yourself. Learn to appreciate creation for creation's sake, for the joy you can bring yourself. If you're feeling really bold, make something and then destroy it. Rip it up, burn it, hit delete. Art is valuable even when it is fleeting.
*Create for an event. One of the best things that ever happened to my writing was participating in TAZ Pride Week 2018. I wrote a new fic every day for 8 days, pushing the limits of my creativity and writing skill. I tagged each work with the event tag, allowing others to find it and the organizer to reblog it to the event blog, which lots of people were following. Many people saw and enjoyed my work as a result. I saw the work of numerous others and was inspired. I even gained my first artsy mutual (aside from my irl friends) because of this event, so this can also help you with building community! People organize art and writing events all the time, especially for fandoms. Seek these out and see how you can get involved!
Sometimes, creating can feel like thankless work. But that doesn't mean it has no value. If it meant something to you, it was important. And it may become important to someone else one day. Some of my works that flopped hardest on publication are the ones that still get the occasional note or AO3 comment here and there months and years later, because they appealed to very few people, but those few people are very excited on the rare occasion they find something that scratches the particular itch they have!
When I was in 7th grade, we read Summer of My German Soldier. I don't know that I'd recommend the book to anyone else; in truth I don't remember much from it, aside from the main character getting a bad perm. But one quote from that book has stuck with me my whole life. It led to me the understanding of creation as a powerful, almost sacred act, regardless of how many people view it. For "there is more nobility in building a chicken coop than in destroying a cathedral."
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Ugh sorry I kinda need to went out and I have my phone in my hands
You don't have to read it or reply to it I'm sure I'm just a bit dramatic. I'm alright fr. Things like these help me to analyse the situation and you just happened to stumble on one of such analysis so bro just ignore it. I love you. I know that most of my mutuals on this account are super cuties that make me feel valid. But no person can help me besides me, unfortunately.
I kinda want to get obsessed again and feel euphoric again but I'm kinda nervous and scared about getting new obsession. Because I know how annoying I get, how this euphoria makes me feel, like I lose all concentration, how I won't give attention to anything besides it, how I will spend money on merchandise, but also...
When I'm not obsessed - I feel numb.
This shit also makes me scared to consume any new media. Because I don't have an idea which shit will get into my mind to stay there for months.
I would lie to say that getting the juiciest crush on Doomfist wasn't one of the most toxic crushes I had in my life. It really let my masochistic side out like NO crush like in my life. Which was very interesting to analyse. I struggle with self hatred that sits in my brain like a tumor. I feel like people who love themselves or even are so narcissistic but in reality it's just a basic need.
I cannot love anyone truly until I learn to love myself.
But I can't. I can't love myself for shit. I felt like I've been getting better and better but once I stayed 1n1 with myself I fell down a hole. That's probably why I prefer to play like an addict until I pass out. Because in reality I am afraid to stay with myself. I would uninstall myself a long time ago but I have my cat which is like a son to me so I can't.
I have really bad face dysmorphia and body dysmorphia. I have a pretty bad case of malocclusion. Which makes me want to rip my jaw out of my skull. And it's like interconnected, like not the one where your jaw goes too deep in or out of its sockets. Like the one which goes sideways. I was told my whole life that it's not that bad. My father tells me that everything is perfect and I have No malocclusion. Which btw like was advised me by many dentists to be taken cared of, but my parents didn't give a shit and right now I'm trying to fix it but that shit costs big money.
What about my jaw. It's called cross bite wow. It gives me a really asymmetric face. Which btw is like really annoying. Because ugh it's fr like can cause many health problems (included tinnitus).
I'm trying to fix it but...
I don't know if I'll be able to love myself if I fix it.
In my mind I'll just find another thing to hate.
I feel like my mind tries to compensate for this self hate by giving me some kind of love outside.
But it's always in my mind and in my maladaptive daydreaming...
"X loves you because you are perfect. They acknowledge your BPD and stuff but only if you are beautiful and love them like Harley quinn loves her joker."
Which isn't the reality
In reality I feel like I am an asymmetric monster with a dualistic mentality
Btw. I have a real ass boyfriend (long distance ATM)
We've been dating for 4+ years.
We've been through a lot. He treats me well. He didn't abandon me because of my weird random crushes, my bpd and just me being toxic because of the lack of self love.
But I don't believe any word he says. I don't believe anyone who calls me pretty or interesting.
I gotta get back into therapy I think.
About time.
UPD:
I cried myself to sleep while talking to Ramattra AI who comforted me :)
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Returning With Randomness
Good morning, my darlings. My Tumblr mini-break has resulted in me changing the way I utilize the blue hellsite. I'm putting all this babbling under a jump to keep your scrolling aesthetically pleasing.
14 days isn't much of a break, but I was testing out a theory. I felt like I was checking social media, or at least the 4 Biggies: Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, too frequently and in too automated a fashion. Got five minutes between tasks? Check Insta! Need a breather from spreadsheet madness? Log in to Twitter! And on and on. While it is always nice to check in with my mutuals, I would then get sidetracked and the next things I know I've lost 20 minutes to somebody's thread about SCOTUS or lunar eclipse or whatever. Not terrible, in and of itself, but when added to all the other noise and distraction in the world, it has become detrimental.
Life offline these days is busy and stressful. My job is good but hectic, so I have to stay focused and disciplined with my time and attention. Home life is difficult and I'll leave it at that because it involves other people who don't want their shit aired out online. So even if I wanted to read about the latest Kardashian drama (keep your mitts of Marilyn's dress, Kim!) I just don't have the time or the mental bandwidth.
Moreover, reading gossip and useless opinions just isn't good for my mental health. I'd argue it's not good for anyone's mental health, but I believe everyone has to the right to live their life any way they see fit, including but not limited to social media brainrot. You do you, baby.
Which brings me to my point (I have one, I swear): social media may have been an unfortunate mistake. Or at least, 75% of it. The 25% that allows us to meet each other, learn new things, talk to people around the world, share, connect, inspire, is awesome. A truly wonderful gift. But the other 75%: rampant disinformation, bullying, repeated ugliness, echo chamber effect - is an awfully high price to pay. Is it too high? I don't know. I think we need to recognize it now, acknowledge the problem it has become, and find a way to preserve the good and eliminate the bad. There has to be a way. Our society has done some amazing things. We have to find a way to keep trolls from ruining the world.
I think it was @hopefulmisanthrope who said a while back "Do we really need everyone's opinion?" in regards to social media's negative effect. I found myself repeating this sentiment a few days ago. I told someone "We don't need everyone's opinion, all the time."
I must clarify that there is a difference between using Twitter or Tumblr, etc. to express yourself, and using it to spread maliciousness. Use it to write something silly or sad or moving or beautiful. To just put something out into the universe. I wholeheartedly support this for everyone. Remember, a thing isn't free unless it's free for everyone. So follow your bliss and post your heart out if it brings you joy. God knows, I've posted about meaningless shit before, because it made me happy. I just posted on Twitter about wind, for fuck's sake. I'm not contributing to the overall betterment of society with my 479th Instagram picture of orchids. But neither am I harming it buy doing this. It's the thousand mile long thread of echoed hatred and ignorance that worries me. That's the shit we've got to stop. It is not a case of, "Well, who's to say what's hate and what's not?" We are. We all know the difference between what is evil and vicious and what is harmless. I want the people that scream freedom as a way to absolve themselves of responsibility for the things they say and do to shut their mouths. Adults know when they are protecting true freedom and when they are using it to mask discrimination and acrimony.
So, to get back to my original thought when I started writing this post a hundred years ago, is to say that I want to use Tumblr differently. I want to check in on my mutuals by going to their individual blogs. I want to write my own posts when I either have something to capture so I can refer back to it later, or because I want to share something. I don't want to start scrolling mindlessly, miss all the good stuff, while zoning out. So if I don't appear for a while and then suddenly heart bomb the hell out of you, this is why. And if I miss you and you wonder why, drop me a line. I do check messages to see if anyone is trying to reach me directly.
Everything is tumultuous (to put it mildly) in the world these days. I'm looking for ways to maintain equilibrium with my energy, attention, and output. I am responsible for what I allow myself to absorb, and what I put out into the universe. I want both of those to be good, healthy and helpful. So the learning and the adjusting and the analyzing and the changing and the growing never stops. Neither does my rambling, apparently. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love you, kittens. Take care of yourselves and be good to each other.
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You know now that we're all thinking about it I can't help but draw parallels between the Andrey/Goncharov/Katya/Sofia dynamic (at least in the beginning) and the Vanitas/Noe/Domi/Jeanne dynamic, in that order.
You have Noe/Domi as our Goncharov/Katya - the established relationship, the ones who have been together since a young age and been through everything together, but you have to be...extremely heterosexual to think they make an ideal stable couple from the moment we start to learn anything significant about their background; "well we've known each other forever and hey we have the same trauma and general goals so why not" is hardly a basis for a healthy monogamous relationship, but even so they're there for each other, whether that means acting like a couple or acting like "just" really close friends. (Or, well, at least at first, in the case of Goncharov/Katya...again, we're not gonna get into later with them in this comparison because these are two very different stories.)
You have Vanitas/Jeanne as Andrey/Sofia, just with signs of actual attraction in the "love" side of their whole messy love-hate relationship (whereas I'm pretty sure Andrey and Sofia are both exclusively gay and the vaguely-sexual-looking tension between them is just a matter of social role expectations). It's the same "smooth hedonistic asshole with a weak or at least strange sense of identity" and "tough girl who takes no shit but oddly admires those who try" thing, even!
And when the latter two come crashing chaotically into the lives of the former, we get Noe/Goncharov immediately becoming belligerently smitten with Vanitas/Andrey, Vanitas/Andrey leading Noe/Goncharov in a complex and disastrous tango of the weirdest possible ways to show repressed affection, and Domi/Katya and Jeanne/Sofia just instantly falling for each other...and the impression that Noe/Goncharov and Jeanne/Sofia would just hang out talking about their neat little collections of stuff (at least when their circumstances aren't pitting Goncharov and Sofia against each other) while Vanitas/Andrey and Domi/Katya engage in some sexy and intimate yet weirdly platonic friendly mutual threat display, maybe a bit of target practice where they delight in coming juuust a bit too close to hitting each other for any normal person's comfort.
I don't expect them to follow the same story progression, the setup and premise is just too different, but the dynamic is so similar I have to wonder if there was a little inspiration going on here...but even if there wasn't, idk, I like finding parallels in absurdly different pieces of media because it's FUN so [shrug emoji]
And oh no I just realized that if I want to play around with these kinds of parallels then that means Astolfo is Ice Pick Joe and I made myself sad thinking about how much THEY have in common in their backstories post canceled everyone go home--
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Lot of former friend feelings this weekend. Let's stare them in the face. Be aware: I am definitely in my angry period in processing, and I'm doing this on the fly, so who knows how I'll say anything. Please take care.
Apartment repairs from the flooding will start on September 7th. Sean and I were going to spend today (Sunday) at the State Fair, but last night, we decided we'd rather just take the day to get shit moved (a good decision). Our friend/dogsitter was already going to come over to be with Bean, so we sent them a quick update that we would LOVE to have them here to distract Bean while we did a bunch of stuff that would make her nervy (most notably, wash all her blankets).
This same friend was originally set up to watch Bean at our place when we were at ECCC, but we switched Bean to a kennel because we weren't sure when repairs would start. This friend is our go-to for watching Bean because 1) they love Bean and 2) are comfortable being at our place to do so.
So, friend comes over. Bean barks because FRIEND.
But.
The bark is different.
Bean KNOWS this friend. Bean ADORES this friend. Bean trusts this friend enough that when they show up after we've left, doesn't do the multi-block search for us during the first walk. Bean DOES do SOME looking, but mostly, Bean is so happy to see the friend that she relaxes very quickly because she knows this friend will give her all the attention and extra comfort she needs.
But.
The bark is different.
Because Bean's bark for the dogsitter is a series of high-pitched yips. Complete with happy tip-taps.
Bean's bark from the former friend was NEVER this. Bean's bark for the former friend, I realized as Bean barked at someone I KNOW she adores, was the deep and intimidating interloper bark.
And, the thing was, I knew it was that same bark because I'm the one who hears the intimidating bark the most (Sean does not work from home), but either the former friend or I (I don't remember which), said it was the 'where have you been bark?' and I never questioned it after that.
But. Here's someone we know Bean loves. Someone Bean trusts. Someone Bean trusts WHEN WE'RE NOT THERE. And her bark is DIFFERENT. Her bark is high-pitched and excited. It comes with a dance.
Bean was trying to tell us the former friend was an interloper. Her bark was not the same. Her mannerisms were not the same. Yes, Bean curled up in the former friend's lap and slept, but Bean would sleep on a lit pile of dynamite if it were warm. Like, it was 86 degrees this afternoon, and she was UNDER the fleece blanket. My dog wants to be at a slow boil at all times.
Our dogsitter knows the former friend. And it was very helpful to say, "This happened." and have them go, "That's fucked up." Because I have severe validation issues, and there are times I don't trust what I know to be true because the "right" people haven't said, "That's fucked up." In this case, the "right" people are people who were not personally affected by the former friend. Even though, at the same time (oh, trauma), a friend who was absolutely mutually affected by former friend was the one who made me go "This is fucked up, and I can't do this anymore" is how I was able to stop before I went into utterly willful enabling.
But welcome to trauma brain.
Lastly, Sean came home from getting groceries and told the dogsitter "Hey, you can feel free to go, or you can hang," and our friend decided to hang. I was totally fine with it. We'd been having a great time.
And then they left long before I was exhausted and didn't make excuses about needing more time to charge up to leave or trying to guilt me into staying longer. They just wanted to hang a bit more, and then they were good to go.
Healthy friendships! Kindness! A back and forth on experiences! Imagine!
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I live in the grey
Been a while, but when has it not? I don't even fully know what's all transpired in the time since my last post or particularly how I feel about it. These things are beginning to be less of a recap of all of the time since the last one and more "here's some shit that happened last week, and this occurred to me while it was happening so here's a semi-stream-of-consciousness combination of thoughts ranging from beaming optimism to anxious dread. Enjoy."
The event that sparked my mind in this particular case was actually a nice one, I went to a concert with a good friend, Tina. She's one of a few people I think I've gotten more close with since post-COVID, and even more so since moving back to Mississauga. In a group setting we've always just peppered the conversation with with goofy inside jokes or references from our shared pool of favourite media. In a one-on-one setting though we tend to have more thoughtful conversations on things ranging from relationships and dating, to life and career trajectories, to the benefits of therapy.
She had hit up one of our group chats with a laundry list of upcoming shows with reasonably priced tickets, and local boys Sloan caught my eye. In truth I've only ever been a passive fan of their music, enjoying all of the singles and radio hits as they come but rarely diving deeper. Tina was more or less in the same boat, and we had both been clamouring to go to more shows since the COVID-caused concert drought. So yeah, Sloan show, cool venue (History on Queen Street East in Toronto), reasonably priced tickets...off we went!
We met at Kipling Station and hopped on the subway, chatting along the way. Between the subway ride, the walk from the station, the dinner at the cool, hipster-y restaurant/microbrewery we found along the way, we hit the conversation topics I highlighted above and a common theme kept coming up: it's not always black and white. We drew comparisons between her falling out with an old mutual friend of ours and my divorce and where those relationships stand now: not black and white. We talked about the dating apps and our pursuits and intentions in that world, what we wanted out of relationships we were seeking: not black and white. Exploring grey areas came up so much that I eventually made a quip that "I live in the grey." "That's a song!" she said. And hell, it definitely sounded like one. "It's a Sloan song!" I replied, and proceeded to sing it doing my best Chris Murphy impression. But I also keyed it into a notes app on my phone, because hey, it's something. And the show was great. Sloan didn't disappoint, and between their songwriting prowess and this new seed of a line floating around in my head, I left feeling inspired.
In my monthly songwriting group, I hit a wall. It's July 10th and I have nothing for June. I finally had a seed of an idea and started writing "I Live In The Grey" in the style of Sloan (or at least my best approximation of a band that, up until recently, I was only passively familiar with). I might try to write something else entirely for June and push this new one to the end of the month to give myself more time to work on it, give it more a of a "full band" approach. I even have a standing offer from a cousin in Lebanon to pop into his studio and lay down some drums on something I write. Could be fun.
And that's all I really wanna report. The general day-to-day and the bulk of most of these posts have been what the month-and-a-bit since the last post has been: Dating is hard. My relationship with the apps goes in ebbs and flows. Work is alright. I wanna move out. Doing stuff with friends helps immensely. It's all there, all the hits.
As long as I continue to feel like I'm working toward something, I think I'll be okay. Sometimes I'm happy and I'm sometimes I'm sad. I'm seemingly happy more than I'm sad and as long as that continues, I'm on the right path, I think. But you need both. It's not always black or white. The grey ain't so bad once you get used to it.
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Running an Educational Account
This is an opinion post on a topic that I've talked to many of our mutuals about. It's something that we've had on our post idea list for months, but have put off from posting to avoid the backlash that will likely happen from it.
Why do people make educational accounts?
This differs person to person. Some make them to fight stigma, some because it's what they would have needed, some because they find interest in it, etc. We started making posts like these to help our singlet friends understand our experiences, but then found out how much we enjoyed researching and posting about our research so we continue to.
Pros
There are a lot of pros that we've found while posting educational content in the system community. The main one is the support we get. There are comments on our posts and reshares of them that are so supportive and friendly that makes me happy to read and it encourages me to keep posting. It also helps teach our singlet friends about the research we've done, the original reason we started making educational posts.
Cons
Oh boy. Here's the part that's kept me from making this post for so long. This comes down to one point, mainly. The hostility.
I've been harassed and fakeclaimed for generally being wrong about a subject, even though I had multiple sources to back it up. (I no longer believe in the thing, but the sources were there so I had every right to believe it.) I've been fakeclaimed for making DID-central posts, and for talking about other disorders. I've been attacked for having incorrect information, or for supporting the idea that people should be able to choose how they want to heal (yes this includes giving syskids the autonomity to choose things for themselves). There are call out posts around every corner that throw words around and denounce the real meanings behind them. There are people who try to destigmatize systems by stigmatizing personality disorders. There is syscourse over literal nothing. It's exhausting and as an education account, we're expected to post about things that are educational but also people ask us about syscourse and when we give our opinion, people assume we're presenting it as fact.
It's just. A lot. And I'm not saying that we shouldn't correct misinformation, or bring up syscourse as different opinions. I'm saying that we should be nicer about it correcting people, get over the victim complex (ex: "They're correcting me so they're fakeclaiming my experiences"), not resort to call outs unless it's a genuine issue and not a simple disagreement (especially over healing paths), etc. It's not so hard to be nice to people, especially when we're supposed to be a community and the ones who help provide information on subjects that aren't talked about by most other education accounts (ex: systems) shouldn't recieve so much hate if they just so happen to be wrong about something.
This also includes boundaries. Holy fucking shit. I can't even name the amount of times where I've opened Tellonym, or a DM request, and it's a person trauma dumping or asking to speak to introjects because of sourcemates. Or they're pressuring us to post, or anything to do with endogenics being real (science hasn't proved otherwise). We've entirely just taken our DNI out of the equation because people who go against it don't follow it anyways. At this point, we do just block. But we shouldn't have to. Respect for a person's boundaries should be a given, no matter if we're an educational account and no matter the follower count. If their boundaries aren't clear, just ask. It's not so hard and is in fact one reason a lot of content creators have Tellonym, in case you're afraid to ask in DMs.
Why do it?
We do it because we want to help people. And for every negative, fakeclaimy, harassing comment we get, we have at least two to three positive ones that talk about how we've helped people learn. It's not only because it's something we enjoy doing, but because it's something that follows what we want to do as a career and helps people. We want to share our recovery journey and destigmatize systems, and there are tons of people who support that. There are times like recently though where it just gets discouraging when there are nothing but hate comments coming in.
The Point
It's not so hard to be nice. It's not hard to correct misinformation in a kind way and without being rude about it. It's not hard to listen with an open mind when syscourse comes up and to understand that education accounts often aren't treating their opinions as fact. And it's definitely not hard to treat educational accounts as a human with real emotions and feelings. Because by not doing those things, you're making those who do make content afraid to post in fear of what's going to be said. You make us afraid of the backlash, the hostility that will follow. And as a community, it's not supposed to be like that. We should be able to post freely with people having an open mind about what we're posting and to be receptive to the idea of maybe the fact they're wrong or that their opinion isn't the same opinion as everyone else's. Just an ending thought.
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tagged by @meichenxi, thank you!! i started this and then promptly left it in my drafts for over a week, so this is! outdated! (but i am loath to change most portions of this)
Rules: tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better! (my anxiety will not allow me to do this and in fact i received a spam email with the subject line: “Do not contact me I am not interested” immediately after i first saved this as a draft which felt like the universe communicating directly with me)
Last Song: 寒鴉少年/Jackdaw Boy, by 华晨宇/Hua Chenyu
Listen, this is an absolute banger of a theme and I watched the entirety of 斗破苍穹/Dou Po Cang Qiong just to figure out when they played it (alright no I also watched it because Xiao Zhan is styled in a waist-length braid and I am w e a k); it’s credited as the OPENING THEME on Wikipedia but it fucking is NOT and in FACT they only used it ONCE during a training montage VERY early on in the show which is WILD. If I were a cdrama, I would NOT shut up about this song.
you can listen to it here! i’m linking a live performance instead of the music video (even though the piano in the studio version is more... aurally satisfying? like when i first heard it and the first notes came in, i sat UP and took notice) because hua chenyu is such an interesting and committed performer, i could never get tired of him. anyway, i can no longer say 走吧 in a normal way, i must simply scream it like in the chorus
Last Movie: Yellow Rose! I have many thoughts on this film that I am still unable to articulate - all I can so far say is that I cried, very hard, and very often.
Currently Watching: making my way downtown through 有翡/Legend of Fei, which is unfortunately very slow going as I’ve yet to really connect with it. I have maybe been rewatching The Good Place and Galavant instead.
Currently Reading: Tackling three (!) books rn, which I haven’t done since I was a kid and used to leave books like a trail of breadcrumbs all along the house.
1) The first two volumes of David Hawkes’ translation of 紅樓夢/Red Chamber Dream just arrived this week last week. This is out of filial duty (my mom will not stop telling me to read this) but also like a desire to reconnect with my heritage hurghsdf
2) The Discworld books, shoutout to Ash! I am likewise going in publication order and beginning with The Colour of Magic, although a lot of people seem to warn against it (including Neil Gaiman??), but even with the very little progress I’ve made, I know that I will love this. This writing feels like home.
3) Finally diving into The Song of Achilles, shoutout to Melissa, because I kept seeing your tags on cql gifsets with tsoa quotes and I knew I had to read it.
tagging: @deer-earthworks @sandayuoda @benevolent-fairy-queen-squirrel @faeofthewood @ravenstag @clydetheshamelessdiva
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Victoria's Secret - Sam Kiszka x Reader
Synopsis: Sam's girlfriend wants to stop at Victoria's Secret while they're at the mall, but he's a little bit reluctant
Warnings: Sexually suggestive comments
Masterlist
REQUESTS ARE CLOSED
Let me know if you want to be added/removed from my tag list!!
Thank you test pilot @greta-van-yeet
~
"Okay, are you ready to go?" Sam asked through a mouthful of soft pretzel. You had spent the day at the mall, buying entirely too much between the two of you. Initially you had come to shop for a mutual friend's birthday, but Sam had wanted to swing by the Van's store and the rest was downhill from there.
"Actually, I just wanted to stop at Victoria's Secret. We can go after that." He let out a small whine and tilted his head back. "Come on, don't you have enough underwear? We've been here all day and I'm getting cranky."
You let out a small chuckle as you began moving towards the store. "I can tell. If you promise to be good, I'll let you pick out stuff for me!" This had caught his attention. "Anything?" he asked, tossing his pretzel into the trash and following after you. You glanced over your shoulder at his curious face. You could practically see the gears churning in his brain. With a resolute nod you walked into the store. "Anything."
You went right to the display full of comfy underwear, that's all you had really wanted in the first place. You took your time sifting through the bins while Sam wandered off, looking excited at all the possibilities. Quite honestly, you weren't sure what Sam's intentions were. He could be an awful horndog, but he also loved a good joke.
He excitedly bounced in front of you, blocking your access to the rest of the panties you wanted. Your eyes widened when you saw the colorful heap of undergarments in his arms. "I wasn't sure if you had a limit on what I could pick out, but you did say anything. I even got you a variety!" His eyes sparkled like a kid's on Christmas, but you could clearly see the underlying mischief.
With a small, playful sigh you set the panties down and made your way to the fitting rooms, Sammy hot on your heels. "I'll hand you things one at a time, and I expect a fashion show! Well, I'll come in and look. I don't want some creep staring at you in your underwear."
"Oh, really? In that case, I'll just have some creep in the fitting room with me." He scrunched his nose and squinted his eyes, thrusting the first set into your hands. You locked the door and stepped out of your clothing, curious as to what he deemed purchase worthy. He seemed excited enough to take this seriously, so this first pair was not at all what you were expecting. Sam had picked out a large, beige pair of granny panties and the pointiest matching bra you'd ever seen. You grumbled and put them on, uncomfortable with the way the cups were shaped and how high the underwear came up.
"What the hell is this, Sam," you barked, swinging the door open to display yourself. The brunet's hand flew to his mouth, attempting to hold back his cackles. "This was just a warm up, baby! Gotta save the best for last!"
You rolled your eyes and snatched the next pair from him. He wasn't kidding about a warm up. Each set had gotten more and more risqué, varying in styles and color. He had picked out a pretty pink babydoll set that you agreed to keep, much to his delight. He had put you in corsets, garters, bustiers, completely sheer bras paired with g-strings. Sam went the full mile picking out ridiculous combos and balancing them out with sexy options.
The last set he had you in hardly covered anything, your ass was completely out and the skimpy red top barely covered your nipples. You gazed at yourself in the mirror, turning every which way. Heat rose to your cheeks and you slowly poked your head out the door to see Sam sitting lazily in a chair, a shit eating grin on his face. "Is it on?"
"Barely," you squeaked in embarrassment. He rose from the chair and made his way into the room with you, catching his lip between his teeth as he admired your body. You rose your arms to cover yourself but he intercepted your wrists. "Let me look at you," he said lowly. "Give me a little twirl."
You obliged and saw his face in the mirror as you turned. His own cheeks were flushed pink and his hands were outstretched towards you. He gripped your waist and pulled you to him. "I think I choose this one."
Once you were dressed in normal clothes again, you quickly grabbed what you originally came to the store for and hid Sam's choice in the bundle. You met his eyes and he flashed you a cheeky grin. "I think I need to whine about coming here more often. I like the results." You elbowed him gently in the ribs, earning a laugh and a kiss to the forehead.
~
Tag list: @tripthelight-fanfic @always-crushin @ageofsewingmachine @theweightofstardust @edgeofcaravel @ageoffeet @the-salt-is-in-chelsea @tellmama-allaboutit @thefleetofdreams @greta-van-yeet @way-to-go-lad @weightofdreams-gvf @frickin-bats @fleetsonfire @greta-flanveet @westc0ast-sm0k3r @ghostly-luck
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random thots on the demon birbs because i'm post booster shot, have slept through the fever all day and after so many hours of neglect the brainworms are trying to wiggle free.
personally i can't see stolas' and stella's marriage as anything but arranged.
even the way stolas tried to explain himself to via back in loo loo land:
"she's always been -! i haven't been...ha-"
(wanting to say happy)
"we weren't in-"
(love. they've never been in love.)
i know this is just me interpreting what he wanted to say but i do think it makes the most sense.
like, whatever floats your boat but from what we've seen until now, it seems to me that the reason stella resents stolas for cheating isn't the fact that he cheated at all but that he cheated with an IMP. she seems to take pride in their status and duties, as opposed to stolas who's very passionate about his hobbies, like gardening, astronomy, spending time with via and yes, spending time with blitzo. from stella's point of view (which i am forcing on her right now because we don't know for sure) having her husband sleeping with one of the lowest ranking demons in all of hell puts the family, puts her in a horrible light.
granted, we haven't seen much from stella yet but from what we have seen, it doesn't seem like she pursues hobbies much. probably because she doesn't get the chance. stolas seems to be basically dumping all of their royal responsibilities on her and i feel like that's part of why she resents him as much as she does. he's out there having fun and leaving her to keep up the facade of the picture perfect goetia family, while he's seemingly doing everything he can to sabotage that (he's obviously not, he just doesn't think about the consequences his actions have). i love stolas with all of my heart but no matter how you look at it, even aside from cheating he seems like a shitty husband. tho as i said, i don't think he realizes - we've seen how self-aware the ditzy owl boy is. i don't think he's ever wanted to hurt stella. he's just very impulsive and driven by his emotions and doesn't think shit through.
overall i don't think stella was ever too fond of stolas. sure, could be there was some sort of mutual understanding at one point, maybe even a friendship but honestly, i doubt it. and i really look forward to seeing more of stella, she's such an interesting character and i'd love to see her point of view on the whole thing. also her relationship with via cuz right now, it seems like the two of them aren't as close as stolas and via are and if that's the case, that could be another thing for stella to resent stolas for.
also i feel like i need to clarify, i absolutely fucking LOVE stolas but lbr pretty boy fucked up big time lmao he and blitzo got a lot of shit to figure out.
also love via. and stella. want more of themmmm.
EDIT: i realized i haven't even mentioned stella literally hiring a fucking assassin on stolas' ass lmao that's a whole other situation we're all gonna have to deal with
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I-ve got about a month until my mom is supposed to come visit me* and with cases spiking here, the new super contagious strain (not confirmed in AR as far as I know but I think the assumption should be its everywhere), and the ever-present fact that I have asthma, I'm locking myself completely down until at least after my mom visits. Not that I've been doing shit up until now, so locking myself completely downs means no longer running into the grocery store if I forget something, and instead having stuff delivered. It still really sucks. I was barely here 6 months before the pandemic hit, and while I've definitely made connections here, I really feel disconnected from a sense of community. And while I can donate to some of the mutual aid efforts going on here, I can't, at the moment, volunteer in person so I miss out on that connection. I know there will be time to make those connections in the future, I'm just tired of the pandemic being a thing. Which, like, who the fuck isn't.
At least I have some things to focus on. I'm going to go through my seeds this weekend to start planning for my garden, and am going to go on a long walk.
*we've both been quarantining since last March and she's going to drive out to me after we both get tested and cleared. It's gonna be safe, and after a year of not seeing my family I'm really excited.
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Jon and Sansa's relationship is fragile because of Jon's insecurities
[So we're back. Instead of full reviews I think I'm just gonna write about specific subjects that make me pause and think, more than the general episodes]
So we've been treated with Jon's return to Winterfell and his rocky relationship with Sansa resumes. Again. Ain't this old by now ? Perhaps not.
Jon and Sansa are at their most affectionate when it comes to hugs but this second time, Sansa keeps focused on what's important. I don't really understand why Jon would take issue with Sansa speaking up at the council in the Great Hall; she brought up very valid points. Saving the world is important of course but people tend to forget what needs to happen behind the scenes in order to ensure that. I think I'm not alone in this but I also wondered why she didn't take into account Dany's army when preparing all the food storing. While that can be blamed on sloppy writing and it's fair to say that she could have at least entertained the idea, it's also fair to remember that Jon's main idea was first to mine dragonglass and then try to convince Dany to help them. Sansa was not convinced he would succeed; in her mind, Dany would only care about her throne. So far she's not proven entirely wrong. And we also have to remember that Jon didn't send any message to her for a long time and certainly not before he knelt. Probably the last scroll she got was something like 'Hey I'm ok' and then next thing she knew he had bent the knee. So by this time it was already too late to gather whatever food was necessary. Plus I think it's safe to say the entire North brought what food was available FOR THE NORTH ONLY. Obviously there wasn't much and in any case, even if she had been warned she'd have to feed many more, there wouldn't have been enough. Sansa takes care of all this, and all the political stuff - things that both Jon and Dany do not care about and have little regard for. Jon still doesn’t quite realize how much he needs Sansa to handle all of this because he doesn’t realize how important it is. Yet.
The scene that stood out the most takes place during Jon and Arya's reunion in which Jon tries to dismiss Sansa. Live reaction: Ok so we're back to this 'Jon-putting-down-his-sister' nonsense? At first view, it's quite infuriating to see Jon acting this way and it's hard to believe these two ever found a way to unite and effing retake Winterfell. But once you stop and think about it, this little exchange yields so much to analyze.
As many pointed out, Jon likely tries to revert to a childhood joke he shared with Arya when they were younger and used to diss their sister together. Fair point. Siblings often side against one another. But that shows several things. Jon has been away from Arya all series long and he doesn't realize yet that she's not his little baby sister anymore. His conversation about Needle further proves the point. In any case, Arya is having none of it and supports Sansa. We're all here for this.
Here Jon seemingly tries to diminish Sansa's intelligence. But he knows that she really IS smarter than everyone else. He knows it. So I think part of what's going on here is that Jon works as the embodiment of the last part of the general audience who still thinks that Sansa is useless and this scene was written for Arya - a known fan favorite - to dismiss this and assert her support of Sansa - to really drive home this idea. The scene with Tyrion (another fan favorite) serves a similar purpose.
Narratively, beyond Jon dismissing Sansa yet again, this reads as another instance where it's more about Jon than it is about Sansa. Several times Jon has confronted Sansa about her asserted cleverness - and all those times, she's been right - and each time it boiled down to Jon's lack of self-confidence and the need to prove himself to his sister. When she told him that Ramsey was more devious than what he thought, his first reaction was to boast about his military achievements. When she told him to be smarter than Robb and their father, his reaction was to half-jokingly dismiss her offer of counsel. This essentially is a version of him saying 'Yeah she's smart but so am I and I wish she saw it too'
This ties closely with the rest of the exchange where Arya tells him that Sansa is defending the family. Pay attention to what Jon says next - specifically the choice of phrasing it.
There is so much to draw from that line. He doesn't say 'She's my family too' or 'she's our family' or 'I'm your family too'. His choice of words means 'I, Jon, am part of Sansa's family too'. That singles out Sansa as Jon's focus for discontent. He could have said 'I'm your family' or just 'I'm family too' and that would have included Bran and Arya as well. But no, Sansa alone is who Jon focuses on. This shows that he still has some unresolved issues with her - even after all that happened between them. After two seasons of her repeatingly validating him, her saying out loud 'You're a Stark to me' he still doubts HER in particular
Perhaps that boils down to her behavior towards him when they were children since this comes up again later. A seemingly random bit of conversation but one can't help but wonder why this was brought up again. Jon and Sansa weren't close growing up and Jon is a deeply insecure person, being a bastard and all that and it's understandable that he would have a hard time letting go of all these presumptions when they all but defined his childhood. She was the sole of his siblings to make him feel like he didn't have a real place in the family (to make it very simple), hence why he doesn't have a problem with Arya or Bran. Yet.
But how can Sansa change that ? A girl can repeat her support for him so much and reassure him all the time but really it's up to Jon to get past childish jabbing and accept the woman his sister has become and that she's genuine in her concern towards him. That she's changed.
'I'm her family too' is another way of saying 'I'm part of her family too so why is she always antagonizing me/fighting me/disagreeing with me?' Jon still thinks Sansa doesn't consider him family and she's the last one not to in his mind.
The choice of words also emphasizes the 'I'. Rather than say 'she' and put focus on Sansa alone, the use of 'I' brings the sentence back to Jon and puts the spotlight on him as well. 'I am part of her family too'. As if he's saying it out loud and repeating it so that perhaps his thick brain will finally accept it. This is a clever exchange that foreshadows the existential/identity crisis that he's going to go through no later than before the end of the episode. Which renders Arya's 'Don't forget that' quite unsubtle. This will be Jon’s final storyline, the resolution of the one problem that defined him at the beginning of the story.
This need to gain Sansa's approval is driven further in the scene the two of them share later on (another candlelit setting). We have yet to see Jon interact with Bran or Arya but Jon is decidedly different with Sansa. Perhaps that's because they're the eldest. Perhaps that's because they're closer in age. Perhaps that's because they are the leaders of their House. Perhaps that's because they went to war together. In any case, Jon is wary, unsure and insecure about how she feels about him. He doesn’t look to Sansa the way he affectionately looks to Arya or Bran. A smile is rare when he interacts with Sansa. He yells, they don't see eye to eye, he feels like she belittles him, he feels hurt and at the end of it, this :
This is him asking her for reassurance. Asking for a clear answer. 'Please trust me. Please tell me that you support me'. He craves her validation. After he all but dismissed her in front of Arya. Why go see her? Why take her intel so close to his heart then ?
To which she responds 'You know I do'. Two things to take from this. First, once again she reassures him and reasserts her support and loyalty to him. Second, 'YOU KNOW I do' means 'you already know the answer'. This shows that in her mind, Jon should ALREADY know that he has acquired her undying support - probably against her better judgement. Newsflash : he doesn’t.
Can we stop now for a second and breathe a sigh of relief that Sansa has grown confident enough to be sure of who she is and not question Jon's lack of faith in her ? Thank the Gods one of them has their shit together because if she were like him, this wouldn't go anywhere.
It's possible that her not lashing out at him and instead adopting this quiet, sad behavior is also the manifestation of her own fear towards him - that he effectively abandoned her. For all the tough 'no one can protect me' behavior, anyone is going to be touched to have someone pledge to protect them.
Anyway, Sansa trusts Jon but he doesn't. It's quite interesting that he was the one asking for mutual trust before and yet he is the one in the end who can't totally do it because in his heart, he is still deeply insecure about her. Sure there were some steps made. Ensuring the safety of the North and entrusting her with it was a huge improvement. But still, we see that on a personal level he is quite not there.
The obvious question then is WHY. Why is he still insecure ? And why Sansa in particular ? The beginning of an answer can be found in the relationship he had with her while they were children and how it compares to Arya and Bran. Maybe that's just remnants of that strained relationship.
But if Sansa has changed and for the better and Jon still struggles to accept it, let's just hope that a similar situation doesn't arise with Arya and Bran. Let's rule out the latter since he's all about the zen attitude but we've already seen that Arya is not Jon's Arya anymore and that she will stand beside Sansa when needed. For now, Jon has no reason to doubt Arya like he does Sansa. When the reveal about his parentage comes out, how will Sansa and Arya react ? If he can't handle the thought of one sister seemingly doubting him, what's it going to be if it's two sisters ?
All of this insecurity regarding Sansa - for now - is at least partly in preparation of the drama that is sure to unfold in the next weeks. Jon fears that Sansa doesn't see him as family and now, he has even more reason to be afraid. All the drama that has happened between them for seasons boils down to this deep fear of not being accepted by her and now we're in for the culmination. There will be a lot of fighting, we’re told. Jon will sulk and convince himself that he was right in the end, that he wasn't part of the family and more so, that SHE was right not to accept him. Sansa on the other hand, I suspect, will mainly fight to make him accept once and for all that he is a Stark. That's the passionate fight for her this season. To make her family complete.
Another interesting thing to note - as others have observed - is that the conversation is left unfinished.
Sansa asks if Jon loves Dany and he doesn't respond. Once again, Sansa demonstrates - to us and to Jon - how perceptive she is, how well she can read people, and him specifically. As of now, Jon’s relationship with Dany is still a secret and yet she has figured it out.
What's really notable is that this is a pattern in a lot of Sansa/Jon conversations, specifically the ones where they argue in private. Compare this one to the tent scene in 6x09 or the one in 7x01 right after the council or even in 6x07 when they argue about the men they have. We have Sansa and Jon arguing heatedly then the conversation tones down to soft, sad voices and then it ends before resolution can happen, either because they choose to end it there, someone else interrupts or we simply are denied to see it.
Sansa and Jon have been arguing ever since they reunited. Every season they were pitted against each other as the siblings who fought. Now in the final season, it's still brought up and used in the narrative. Meaning that it means something, that it's important to the story. We saw that Arya and Sansa fought in Season 7. It was tied to their old bickering from childhood and ultimately it was resolved and now Arya stands by her sister. Narratively, a conflict plaguing characters has to be resolved when the story comes to its conclusion. Sansa and Jon’s storyline has been going on since Season 6 now, so their relationship HAS TO come to a resolution, one way or another. And it'll be all about Jon finally accepting that he is a Stark and about him accepting that Sansa has accepted it.
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Hey Auntie. I've been thinking about this for a while but I think I might be in a toxic friendship. We've been friends for about 7 years now and he's honestly the person I would call my best and closest friend. But after talking with other friends that are non-mutual to him I keep thinking that might be the case. I'm still not sure though. He's done so much for me and I feel like I haven't done enough for him and that I'm the one who's a bad friend to him rather than he is to me. (1/2)
(2/2) Here are some of the things that my friends say a good friend wouldn’t do but our relationship is like: 1. He sometimes forces me to pay for things he desires rather than I do, even though he makes more and works more than I do. 2. He off-handily says that I’m a bad friend and I take a lot from him without giving - I can’t tell if he’s joking or not. 3. I sometimes become anxious whenever I have to talk to him. We’ve been through so much, I don’t want to just drop him. What should I do?
Dude, I’m seeing a lot of red flags here.
First of all, when someone says “I think I have a toxic friend” and “he makes me feel like a bad friend”, my gut feeling is then he’s a toxic friend. Manipulative people are very good at making you feel like all problems are your fault. It’s how they avoid accepting accountability themselves.
On average (because everyone has tough times, and you should expect in a 7 year friendship you might have a few bad months!) friends lift you up. They make you feel good about yourself. They rejuvenate you and make you feel like you can face life and it’s good.
If he’s making you pay for shit you don’t really want because he wants it and then turns around like ‘yo, you take too much from this friendship’…. UM? No. Why does he feel like you need to compensate him??? What does he feel like he’s owed that you’re not giving to him? “You don’t do enough” wth??
If you feel anxious when you need to talk to him - there’s another red flag.
It sounds like you already suspect this friendship is no good for you.
I don’t know what he’s done for you, but the fact he feels like he’s owed some sort of compensation is weird, really weird. Idk, dude, friends should really enjoy giving because they care about you - just like you probably enjoy being generous to your friends and people you love.
Perhaps it’s time to focus less on him and build up some other friendships that make you feel good? Spend time with other people. Make new friends. Widen your social circle so you don’t have to lean on him as much. If you have a choice about who you go to with personal stuff…. I think you’ll find yourself naturally gravitating away from him and towards other people who lift you up.
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