#and is always the argument of they're stealing from poor people
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Part Two. Eclipse
Summary: After a heated argument with Lo’ak, Y/N and Kiri embark on a life threatening adventure. Neteyam races against time to save them.
Word count: 6k+
Warning: Violence. A little blood & gore but just a lil bit. Descriptions of parental pressure that may be triggering.
When my heart just burst like a glass balloon,
I let it fly too high and it shattered to soon.
I was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room.
I broke my glass balloon. I let go of my glass balloon
- Hermit the frog, Marina.
The forests of Pandora are never still.
They're always bustling with life, in constant movement. Dancing. Breathing. A fan lizard makes its way across the overgrown flora, slow and steady. Unassuming-
“You snooze you lose”
A loud screech followed by a chorus of giggles echos through the trees.
The poor fan lizard never had a chance, is knocked clear off its path as four pre-teens , a tornado of movement and sound, fly by. Swinging from branch to branch without a care in the world, the poor creature erupts into a spinning rainbow right before colliding with the moss covered floor.
No matter, nothing matters as the four of you make your escape from the village as you so often do.
Kiri hot on your tail, Lo’ak at the helm. Spider swinging from vine to vine, holding his own despite his much smaller frame. The vivid cobalt stripes that you’d painted on him days prior still stained his skin.
The trees lessen and then thin out as Hell’s Gate comes into view.
The fortress is big, and ugly. All concrete and overgrown plants. The last remnant of the sky peoples bases, it had definitely seen better days. Since it had been abandoned over a decade ago and left to the few trusted humans it had kind of gone to shit. Scientists are great at discovering, exploring. Maintenance? Not so much.
“Wanna play some ball?” Lo’ak asks as he makes a beeline for the basketball courts. You love humans strange games, they’re useless- but their fun. Just your cup of tea.
“No, I’m gonna go check on mom” Kiri’s already leagues forward, headed towards the entrance. Barely paying any attention to her brother.
“Awe come on- it’s not like she’s not gonna still be there later. Plus we know that Norm’s keeping her plenty company” Lo’ak and Spider giggle at his jab and Kiri throws a glare over her shoulder.
Your teeth dig into your tongue as you fight to keep the smile off of your face shrugging before heading in after her.
“Not you too Y/N. Man, you guys suck. Who’s gonna play with me?”
“I'm right here, cuz” Spider exclaimed, huffing up in exasperation.
Their height difference is laughable.
The Avatar designed basketball to big to fit in Spiders hands, the last time the four of you had played he’d taken it straight to the face, his nose so broken that it never really healed right. The entire court looked like a crime scene and Max had scolded all of you.
You had to remember Spider’s human body, and it’s limits, even if he didnt want you too.
The smaller human steals the culprit of a ball from Lo’ak’s grasp and begins to dribble circles around him and Lo’ak as always, defies any kind of predestined rules.
The labs are a familiar alien. All beeping neon buttons and sterile white surfaces. Monitors filled with images you don't quite understand, no matter how many times they’re explained to you. Since the first time Kiri had brought you here, you’d been perplexed. An obsessed fascination. You liked learning new things, you liked chatting with the friendly humans.
And you liked visiting Grace.
Kiri’s mom is in one of the back corners. Submerged, a bio-tank holding her. Cradling her something like a womb. She looks peaceful, you assure your friend. Whatever dreams she’s stuck in must be good ones.
“Hi mom” Kiri whispers, her five fingered hand pressing gently against the glass. You watch her, let her run through the process of her carefully cultivated routine. She likes to talk to Grace, fill her in on everything that’s happened since the last visit.
You think she’d have a better chance of making connection a connection at the tree of souls but you keep that fact to yourself.
“Hi Grace” You place the bracelet that you’d made for her on the tank. “Kiri ate shit at the watering hole the other day. You would’ve thought it was hilarious”
And you never knew Grace, never would, but who wouldn't think Kiri faceplanting during wash day wasn't funny? If you were stuck in slumber, you’d want people to tell you jokes.
The scientists are cool, and you make your rounds. Handing out the little bracelets you’d made them. You’d just about gotten human measurements down, but they still did hang a little awkwardly off of their gangly wrists.
No matter. Doctor Kelsey is a Zoologist who had been good friends with Kiri’s mom, and had taken the initiative to teach you how to read.
Sky people letters were simple in composition, but confusing in structure. That doesn't stop you from keeping your nose buried in the books she offers. You like the vividly colored picture books better than the black and white chapter ones but to each their own.
“Hi Y/N” Doctor Kelsey greets, laughing as you reach into the cloth knapsack that you’d toted along, giving her back ‘The Lorax’, in exchange for another old semi tattered book from her library.
“How’d you like this one?” She chats as she digs through her collection
“It was very sad. They had no trees, no animals” You explain, a deep frown maring your features as you recount and retell the story you’d read. “This is how your planet is, no?”
You remember Jake telling a story about Earth. A dying star.
“Pretty much, the book was definitely supposed to be an analogy for Global Warming and mass consumption issues. Good job for picking up on that Y/N, you really have been excelling. I’m gonna give you something a little harder. If you have any issues with it, Kiri will help until you can come visit again”
She hands you a thicker book and you sound out the golden rod letters of the title.
“Pet-her pahn?”
“Peter Pan” She corrects good naturedly “I think you’ll like this one, it's about a boy that never wants to grow up”
“Are you sure you don’t want to give this to Lo’ak instead?” You deadpan and Doctor Kelsey lets out a peel of laughter.
She reads the first couple chapters out loud to you and Kiri before having to return to her work. You both listen, ears twitching with interest. You pack the fragile book safely into your knapsack before you leave.
----------
It’s nearing eclipse and you know you really should be getting home- instead you sit crossed legged on a step, your face twisted into a deep scowl.
You spend more time at Hell’s Gate than you should, your parents remind you of the fact often, but you love it here. You can make the trek home in your sleep.
Which is why you’re less worried about the waning sunlight. More concerned with the words that had just come out of Lo’ak’s mouth.
“You guys could never do it, and not even because you're girls. Ma’s a girl, lots of hunters are. You’re just wusses” He taunts, chest all puffed out.
He’d been like this, ego inflated to the nines since he’d come back from the mountains a few days ago, actually in flight this time. A wriggling yelping Ikran below him and air of self importance that he just couldn't seem to shake.
Scratch the fact that you and Kiri had just handed him his own ass at H.O.R.S.E.
“Didn't it take you like three times and a concussion to tame your ikran?” You sneer and Spider lets out a huff of a chuckle, coughing when Lo’ak side eyes him.
“It was only two-” He starts and Kiri shakes her head, cutting him off quick.
“It can't be hard if you were able to do it. I mean, think about the Tayrangi, in their clan even the children ride. It wouldn’t be that hard to go up to the mountains and claim one”
Somehow it ended up like this most days. Kiri and Lo’ak on opposing views. Bickering until your ears hurt. You and Spider innocent on lookers, casualties of war as you alternated whos allegiance to pledge. Well Spider did, even if Lo’ak was right on the money and Kiri was dead wrong you’d stand beside her.
“Yeah so? We aren't coast people. I bet you couldn't even make it up the mountain. You’d shit your pants before you even tried. What would you do Kiri? Try to hug your ikran into submission” His words are laced with condescending laughter.
You shouldn't take it so personally, Lo’ak can be a dick. He doesn't even mean to be most of the time.
But it hits a sensitive raw nerve in your chest, the same one that had been hammered endlessly for years. To be a hunter, you have to ride. To be a hunter, you have to train. To be a hunter, you have to want to be one, right? You can't run away from it at every turn…
“We’re gonna have to do it eventually” You grit out.
“Yeah, sure” he drawls out the ‘e’ “I think you should probably just stick to your beadworking. You know, things you’re actually good at”
In the blink of an eye Lo’ak is drenched in what remained of your banana fruit juice, you’d emptied the canteen right in his stupid face. He blinks in surprise, his mouth falling open, tail going ramrod straight
“You’re such a douchebag” You hiss. You don't completely know what that word means, but you’d heard the sky people throw it around a handful of times and knew that it was nothing good.
“You head straight for the forest without another word. Face hot and eyes stinging.
“Why would you say that?” Kiri glares at her younger brother who looks completely shocked, ears flat and mouth open.
“What? Tell her that she’s good at something? That’s the last time I try to be nice, shit. Grandmother just re-braided my hair” Lo’ak moans as he he rakes his hands down his face, over his chest and through his hair. He’s already sticky.
“Dont be so dense. That wasn't cool and you know it” She sighs, before following you.
“Girls are psychotic” Lo’ak laments, and Spider just shakes his head.
“Yeah, totally”
---------
The forest has already started to glow, the path home bioluminescent which just makes your furious steps even faster. You didn't want to get in trouble with your parents too. They already weren’t going too be thrilled about you ditching babysitting duty to go hang out at the ‘cursed place’
“Wait up!”
You huff and clear the jump between branches in a clean swoop of a jump.
“Come on! Dont be mad at me I didn't do anything!” Kiri exclaimes jumping after you and nearly running into your back as you stop dead, waiting.
“I'm not mad, okay. I'm just-” You shake your head with a sigh. Not wanting to speak the words in your head. “Come on, we need to get home”
“Its okay to be mad at Lo’ak. My dad is, like, all the time” Kiri tries to soothe as the two of you continue your route.
“I can't be mad at someone who was only telling the truth”
“That wasn't the truth. That was him trying to pacify himself over the fact that he didn't get it first try like Neteyam”
Your stomach flutters when Kiri mentions her eldest brother, as it always does. You ignore it like you always do.
Pushing on further, faster, until the twinkling warm lights of the village come into view. They’ve already started preparing for the night and you need to start preparing for the earful you’re about to get.
Your heartbeat goes tense and anxiety creeps up your spine, your tail flicking in rapid jerky motions.
Kiri doesn't pry, she never needs to. She lets you huff and puff and stomp all the way back home, knowing that you’ll spill.
You lean against the bark of the trunk, your arms crossing over your chest as you look at your friend. She stands in front of you, expectant but not forceful. Already knowing whats bothering you, you’d vented about this particular issue so many times in the past.
“At least he got it, eventually. Didn't get himself killed like so many have before him- Kiri I don't know how I'm ever supposed to do that. My parents-” you choke on the word parents, have to swallow up the word vomit “My mom wants me to start really focusing on training and I just-”
“Don't want to?” Kiri offers.
“Completely suck at it. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s gonna get easier, it's in my blood, but I’m not a warrior. I don’t feel it, you know. I just want to read my new book, and make a necklace with those stones we found at the river. And gossip with the girls'' You sigh because why can't it be so easy?
“I think you’d be a great village gossip, we should ask my father if he can make that your official title”
You laugh in spite of yourself and your soured mood “It’s not funny. I'm never going to be what they want me to be. There's no way I’m ever going to be able to tame an ikran. He’s right”
“You don't really think that”
“No I really do. Im pretty sure I’d break my neck trying. I fall of direhorses all the time”
“You can also hit a moving target with your eyes closed. You don't have to be good at all things, all the time Y/N. It’s impossible” She reaches out to pat your shoulder.
“Try telling my mom that '' You sigh, and bring your hands to face, covering your eyes as you talk “I just don't want to disappoint everybody when I’m not able to do it. When I’m not able to complete my Inknamaya and become this great warrior they keep talking about. They’ll all come up to watch me get eaten by my own ikran”
“Would it be easier if they weren't watching?” Kiri offers solutions.
Probably so, but she knows how your family is. You remind her of the fact.
“What if we tried without them…if you didn't feel like you needed to perform, maybe you wouldn't be so in your head the whole time?” Kiri always has the worst plans. Seriously. But this one tops the cake.
You pull your hands from your face to glare at her incredulously. “You’re not serious”
“Why not? Tayrangi kids do it while they’re still in diapers, they don't have any training for it- they know what to do in their hearts. The great mother guides them through it”
“Kiri. Absolutely not”
“Think about it, cause I have. Even before tonight with my stupid brother. Tsaheylu is sacred, we know how to make it from the moment we’re birthed. It doesnt need to be browbeaten into us, we don't have to do it everyone else's way. My mother made the bond with a palulukan! And my father with Taruk? Who taught them how to do that?”
You shake your head because she’s far too good at convincing herself that her asinine ideas aren't exactly that.
You’ve seen the way the forest interacts with her, you know how special she is…but this would certainly get you both killed. Thirteen is young to make the bond with an Ikran anyway. Even the highly skilled, trained and ready warriors have trouble with it.
You're shaking your head, arms back tightly crossed over your chest, about to go full older sister mode when there's a rustling in the nearest tree.
Two sets of ears twitch, focused on what's coming-
“Lo’ak? Kiri?- There you are!”
Neteyam swings in from above, lands gracefully on his feet in front of you.
His amber orbs scan quickly over you both, apprising and slightly annoyed and your stomach does its tell tale flutter. Having him so close, tall and looming never does good things to your weak, wanting heart.
“You do realize that you were supposed to be home hours ago- it's almost eclipse. Mom and dad are pissed, he would have come out himself if Norm hadn’t radioed in that you all we’re using Hell’s Gate as a playground again”
Neteyam sounds every bit his role. Future clan leader, semi disgruntled older brother.
“It's not even eclipse yet, there's still light” Kiri is reaching, it's all but dark out. “Right Y/N?”
“Right? We definitely had a quarter hour left at least, if anything we’re right on time” You nod, catching her line of bullshit and rolling with it.
Neteyam pinches the bridge of his nose. “Your parents are upset too Y/N. I wouldn't use that line with them if I was you”
The anxious flick of your tail comes back full force “Like really upset? Or just- a little bit?”
His deadpan face tells it all. “Where is Lo’ak?
Another shuffle in the trees, leaves and smaller branches swaying. Lo’ak appears, obviously behind. He doesn't land nearly as gracefully as Neteyam.
“I’m right here bro, chill out” Lo’ak’s eyes meet yours briefly and you huff, still upset clearly.
Your nose is high in the air as you turn away. If you had to get scolded, you’d do it with some kind of dignity- and he could fuck right off.
“What is all over you?” Neteyam questions his brother from behind you, plucking at his one of his younger brothers sticky braids.
----------
Its an accumulation of things, your mother tells you. She doesn't scream, but the tongue lashing is no less intense. No, if anything it's worse. You can't look her in the face.
Its an accumulation of things, she tells you. It’s your disregard of your duties, who would have watched your little sisters had an Aunt not volunteered to do what you should’ve. You are to watch over them while she’s partoling and you know that.
It’s your training, or lack thereof. You can't get better if you don't put in the effort. If you don't focus.
“It’s this streak of immaturity , Y/N. You are not a childling anymore. By the time I was your age I was helping feed our community, I had found myself within the people. I want that for you- and you disappoint me at every chance”
Your ears are plastered to the side of your head the entire time, your tail wrapped around your calf. You take it wordlessly, blinking furiously at the tears because you can. Not. Cry.
“Are we done?” You croak and your mother looks like she might cry herself. Instead she nods and you sprint as quickly as you can away. Only when she can't see your face do you let the tears roll fast and hot.
It's later in the night, laying with your family on your cot. Staring at the star filled sky that you recount your mothers words.
Disappoint me.
You disappoint me.
Somewhere, somehow, Kiri’s get mixed in.
What if we tried without them?
-----------
To tame an Ikran, you have to go where the Ikrans are.
This was known by all. You’d heard stories of how tedious the journey was, but as you make it yourself, you realize that all before you had minimized its nature.
You and Kiri had taken direhorses out in the early morning under the guise of foraging for berries that you had spotted a week before when visiting the lab. They hadn't been ready to pick then, somehow your Grandfather buys it. Sends you out with a kiss on the forehead.
You're glad your mother is out hunting, she wouldn't have been such an easy sell.
It was early, when you’d left. The sun just rising. Now it is high in the sky, shining brightly as the two of you ride as far down the path as you can go on horseback. The path is narrow and carved into the face of a steep cliff. Rocks crumble away, you soothe the gentle beast beneath you.
Kiri seems to be doing the same for you. Turning back to look at you every few minutes.
“How do you know where we’re going?” You’d questioned her when she’d offered to lead the way.
“I just know. Eywa will show us”
To anyone else that might have not been enough. You follow her eagerly.
The direhorses can only take you so far- before its time to climb.
And climb you do.
The two of you scale the floating mountains none too fast. Its treacherous unstable ground, the wind shifting the terrain with every breeze and you never quite feel like you have your sure footing.
You’d grown up in hometree. They say it isn't as large as the one that your parents grew up in, that the sky people destroyed, but it still towers high. You’d ridden on the back of your mothers ikran, you'd climbed to the top of lovers Peak to watch the great colors in the sky.
You were no stranger to heights, but as Kiri jumps, and latches on to a weak looking vine in mid air you hesitate. You stop for a moment, and look below you.
All you can see are clouds, misty and white. So high up that you can't even see the ground.
“Come on, Y/N!” she calls for you and you gulp. Breath through your nose and take the leap.
The journey is laborious, and feels like it lasts forever. By the time the two of you make it to the entrance of the mouth of the cave you are both covered in sweat, panting profusely. Your arm muscles scream at the intense treatment. You reach a hand out, sweeping through one of the waterfalls that seem to fall into nothing.
Rub the cool liquid on the back of your neck.
It was hell to get to, but the mountain of the Ikran is beautiful.
They fly in the hundreds here, screeching and circling each other in the sky, sweeping from mountain to mountain. Their breeding grounds lush with waterfalls and fungi.
Looking down, down through the gaps of clouds you can see the forest below. It looks so small and and far away. Your stomach lurches, you feel like you’re flying already.
“We made it. I can't believe we made it. Thank you great mother” Kiri whispers, her hands clutching her chest.
“Don't thank her quite yet, we still haven't gotten through the hard part” You remind her- because its there. Looming just out of sight.
There is only a moment to catch your bearings, before you settle in on what you came for.
“We can still go back” Kiri offers. She has to. You don't have to do this.
You shake your head. “No, we can't. We came all this way and I’m never climbing this mountain again”
It’s through one of the waterfalls, the sound of rushing water filling your ever twitching ears as you pay close attention to your footing on the narrow, slippery ledge. It’s white noise, the first peace you’d had since the start of your climb.
“How will we know if an Ikran chooses us?” one of your peers had asked during training and Jake had smiled. All to canine.
“It’ll try to kill you”
You fist the bolo rope you’d brough until the leather digs deep into your palm as they come into view. All of them, dozens. Ikrans of all colors and sizes are seated at what looks like a basking site. They slowly become aware of the outside intrusion, and then its eyes. So many of them. All focused on you and Kiri.
“How are we gonna do this?” You whisper to her, heart pounding in your throat. Adrenaline rushing protectively through your veins.
“I’m not sure yet” She replies very unhelpfully.. Of course It goes the way all things go with Kiri.
Strange.
She doesn't seem as scared as you are, she steps lightly around the winged creatures, whispering all the while. You’re glued to your spot, still not far from where you’d entered. You’d seen your friend do a number of weird things, unexplainable things. But this…was something else. She approaches an Ikran. And it doesn't try to kill her.
No, the mostly chartreuse creature cocks its head at her. Skittish and unsure. You’re too far away to hear what she's saying but Kiri keeps whispering. Talk to it, as one does a child. A smile on her face, her arm outstretched and welcoming.
“Kiri don’t!”
You’re trying to figure out how exactly you’re going to explain a missing arm to her family when she takes a hold of her que, and simple as anything, connect it to her ikrans.
The gasp you let out leaves your throat sore.
You’re confused. Cant believe your eyes. You’re still in disbelief when she takes flight, the green and silver of the wings sparking in the high alkaline sunshine. Kiri soars through the air- making a wide turn, and coming back to where you’re still rooted.
“How did you do that?!” Your voice breaks and your eyes are wide as saucers.
“I asked her if she wanted to be my friend!” Kiri hollers back. Completely serious. “You can do it Y/N! You’ve gotta, this is amazing! She yells “You’ve got this!”
And you want it, so badly.
You want to be in the air with her, you don't want to go back to the village riding her coat tails and reeking of defeat. You have to do this, you square your shoulders,
“I’ve got this!” You reply, even though you keep thinking about Lo’ak’s unconscious body on the back of Neytiri’s ikran the first time he’d tried this. He’d been knocked unconscious, head bloody and his mom had had to carry him home.
It is glaringly apparent as you take the steps that your friend had just made, that this is not going to go the same way for you.
Where the banshee’s seemed to be at peace with her being here on their territory they reacted completely differently as you approach. Wailing loudly, scattering. Hostile and ready to strike.
They didn't want to be your friend.
Everytime you get close, they take off, jumping ship. Taking to the skies.
Until one doesn't.
Perched on a rock, the creature looks at you with a sharp turquoise eye. Only one, the other is scared, disfigured from past battle. She’s huge and dark purple. So dark she looks shiny with it, the orange, green and magenta splotches on her skin give the appearance of an oil slick.
She’s nothing like the pretty, feminine ikrans you’d so admired growing up. She’s fierce and terrifying and for a moment you think that there's no way she’s choosing you.
“Oh shit” you hear Kiri, distantly.
The ikran opens her massive jaws and lets out a roar that shakes you to your core.
“It’ll try to kill you” Jake had answered the question. Training young hunters to the best of his ability “And you’ve gotta call their bluff”
You muster a fierce hiss, even though you feel anything but, and then its on.
Lightening quick, chaos ensues. A tangle of limbs and wings. You can't wrap your mind around what's happening, there’s no room for any other thoughts then make tsaheylu. You have to follow your body, trust it. But it's so hard when something three times your size is struggling against you, trying to take any chance it has to kill you.
“Make the bond!”
You get the bolo wrapped around its gnashing jaws and chalk it up to pure luck. In the next moment one of it’s wings expands violently, throwing you back. Luckily not straight over the edge, but against the rough rocky wall opposite.
Your head connects with a sickening thud.
Your world goes dark, the pain on the right side of your face excruciating and your ears ringing from the impact. Or is that Kiri screaming? You force yourself to collect your bearings, forcing up onto your knees. You can taste metallic in your mouth and your head feels too heavy for your neck to hold.
A flash of purple brings your eyes back to focus.
NO.
The ikran is going to take flight, her wings outstretched. She’s going to leave and you’re never going to have another chance. You’re going to have to ride back home bloody and defeated. A loser who never should’ve tried. You’re going to disappoint your family, again. You won't be able to bring this glory to them-
You didnt come this far to go back empty handed. You weren't going to get in trouble for nothing.
The ikran takes off disappearing over the edge.
And you jump off the cliff behind her.
-----------
Jake is making his rounds, there’s so many of them now a days. He checks in with Mo’at, runs perimeter. Takes account of his people, and wonders if the imposter syndrome will ever fade. Tuk is still just young enough that she sticks to his side like glue.
“Daddy, look at this!” “Daddy, what’s that!”
A part of him wishes all of his children were still 5 years old. Still thought he hung the stars just for them. Instead he barely knew where they were anymore. Teenagers are still teeangers no matter what planet they’re on.
He does mental intake- Neteyam would no doubt be leading training. Kiri off somewhere with Y/N, and Lo’ak was hunting with Neytiri so for once Jake didn't need to worry about him.
Everything was fine. Everything was great…so why did he have this gnawing feeling in his gut that it wasn't?
It’s okay, this is why he’d given his family coms, so that he could check in whenever he wanted to.
He touches base with Neytiri first, her and Lo’ak are fine and he better not mess up her shot again.
Then Neteyam, he’ll be on stand-bye if needed.
“Kiri, I need your six. Over” He’s met with dead silence. He tries again, and again only for the same result. And that’s not normal. Kiri, at this age, will usually reply with some sarcastic smart ass quip. Captain dad, she calls him.
She’s never gone radio silent. And Jake’s gut has never lead him astray. Something’s wrong.
Tuk is pulling on his hand, taking his ear off but he’s sinking into a place he knows all too well- he can't panic. His brains not hardwired for that, too many battlefields, too much experience.
“Neteyam? When was the last time you saw Kiri, over?”
The first place he looks for his daughter is with Y/N, the two are practically conjoined at this point. You aren't to be found at your hut, but your grandfather tells him that the two of you had gone gathering. Bubble berries, its their season but the timing doesn't match- if his daughter had left this morning, she’d be back by now.
Jake’s in full military mode, furiously barking out orders.
A search party needed to be dispersed. Now. He’s gathering his men when Vitany, your mother touches ground. She’s confused, and then she’s fearful. He can see his own emotions mirrored in her eyes. She’s a great warrior, one of his best. She’d fought beside him for the last decade. No fear, heart of a lion. That all tends to go out of the window the moment your child is involved.
“Ma’ Jake!”
As Neytiri and Lo’ak land, having raced home from hunting at the news- his wife looks much the same. Terrified, confused. Shooting off question after question, where can they be? Where do they start?.
He’s about to take flight- to follow the search party.
“Dad!” Its Neteyam, and along with him he’s toting Spider. A gentle but firm grip on the younger, smaller boy's shoulder.
“What’s going on? What is it?”
“You need to tell them what you told me” his eldest son urges the human boy “Right now”
Jake’s always felt for Spider. A kid misplaced forever on a planet not his own. With people who could never and would never see him as anything but an alien.
All eyes are on him.
“It was uh, it was like a week ago. When they came to visit Hell’s Gate. We all got into it about ikran riding and how Kiri and Y/N weren't cut out for it. Kiri said that she could do it a different way like the Tayrangi Clan did, and Y/N just got really pissed at Lo’ak and left-”
“Is this true?” Neytiri looks to Lo’ak who hangs his head. But nods in agreement.
“What are you saying?” Jake presses, because he needs a solid answer.
“I think that they might have gone into the mountains. To try and tame ikrans” Spider finishes and Neteyam lets go of his shoulder, his hand slightly shaking.
“No” Vitany gasps horrified. Her daughter isn't trained enough. What the human boy just spoke of is certain death, she's on the back of her own ikran within seconds, taking off as fast as she can.
Racing towards the breeding grounds. Neytiri is hot on her trail.
“Neteyam, I need you with me, let's go!” Jake calls for Bob, high pitched bird sounds, and the beast lands at his feet, ever loyal. Looking at him, Jake remembers just what it took to tame him-
“Not you” He bellows, already mid flight. Catches his youngest son gripping his reins. Lo’ak protests, his eyes watery as the weight of his actions weigh down heavily on him.
“Dad, please”
“You’ve done enough”
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Neteyam spends most his life in flight, since he had passed his rite of taming Atanzaw(lightning) years ago, he never wanted to touch ground.
He felt most himself in the sky. Free, lost to the vastness of the wind. He’d take any hunting, scouting or perimeter control shifts he could get his hands on, as long as he could fly.
It's an unusual feeling, being on ikrab back and having his stomach tied into knots. Being so worried that he can barely breathe.
He has to keep his mind clear to keep Atanzaw flying straight, piercing through the clouds like a bullet. He can't imagine his sister mauled to death or her best friend thrown to her death. It is too much.
He let his guard down, he knew he needed to help keep a closer eye on his siblings when his mother was hunting and he let his fucking guard down.
Kiri and Y/N we’re always running off, but never far. He could always track one’s movement by the other’s. Keeping an eye on Y/N had become a part of his routine, and he’d slacked.
Y/N hadn’t shown up for training and he should’ve known something was wrong- but she’d been off all week. Upset at something that was none of his business to uncover. Overworking herself, walking away from friends that she’d usually spend her time chattering with.
Shit.
He’s better than this. He’s going to be Olo’ekteyan someday, how is he supposed to keep the people safe if he can't even keep his sister safe? He’s wallowing in could’ve, would’ve should’ve’s when he hears a scream.
Neteyam banks against the wind, using all his strength to pull himself and Atanzaw in the other direction. Towards the screams, towards where his sister and her friend we’re undoubtedly in imminent danger.
He doesn't get shocked much, and when he does, he’s always able to hide it. Able to handle it enough that no one even noticed.
His mouth hangs open and his ears point straight at the sight that greets him.
No longer is the sky filled with screams, but with girlish giggles. Yelps and ikran caterwauls.
Kiri and Y/N do barrel rolls around each other, in hysterics as they play in the clouds. Both of them sat atop their respective ikran- not dead. Not dying. But frolicking, like schoolgirls. Like they didn't just give the village a collective fucking stroke.
Neteyam is angry, furious even. But more so, he’s impressed. That combined with the shock is a potent mix in his system and he can help but let out an incredulous laugh. Somehow the two of you were not only alive, but flying, bareback. Had climbed the Hallelujah mountains alone, and tamed ikran.
You were both in so much fucking trouble.
A|N: Okay I know the story is lacking Neteyam right now, buttttt I just needed to get through with the set up. All of the rest of the chapters will be very Neteyam x Reader heavy.
Also- I read an article that said this is how Kiri bonded with her Ikran in the comics? And thought it was rad. I had to roll with it.
Please comment and tell me what you think! And what you wanna see in future parts! More interaction will always mean quicker updates.
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Shipping and liking in fiction don't really need to be consistent imo, like you can like black chocoloate and dislike white chocolate even if they are both chocolate but that doesn't makes you an hypocrite so liking a character that does something and not another character that does the same thing or as a similar personaily falls into taste, the only moment where i would disagree would be if they tried to justify it by draggin down the other people who ike what they dislike
My blog archive can attest to this, but I've always hated the "you wouldn't hate so-and-so if they were a man!" or "but you like this character who did something I think is the same!" arguments.
If the character were a man, then they wouldn't have been written with misogynistic dev bias in the first place, AKA they would be a completely different character, or at least handled in a completely different way.
Just because you can draw some surface parallels between characters doesn't mean they're the exact same. Even if they do the exact same thing that doesn't mean they're treated the same, which factors into how much I like or dislike them.
Like we'll just take the example of Arvis for a second. Surface level he and CF!Edelgard do a lot of similar things. They:
Conquer a continent
Ostensibly for the good of the people
Through extremely dubious means (killing or trying to kill the MC, stealing sovereign territory that they are explicitly not in charge of by force, etc.)
Which would realistically have serious and far reaching negative consequences for the people conquered (death of able-bodied men to work the fields, trampling of crops, requisitioning food from the poor and hungry, civilian deaths as tends to happen in war, etc.)
While allying with a shady evil cult who want to bring about the destruction of humanity
They attain their goals
And the narrative implies that everything went well in the immediate aftermath and everyone was kind of chill about it despite point 4 above.
And I don't like Arvis, but I don't dislike him as much as Edelgard either, and that's because of what happens next in Arvis's story:
Arvis realizes he was never as in-control as he thought, and in fact he was completely played by an organization far more powerful and intelligent and dangerous than he realized
He has a significant fall from grace, basically becoming a puppet for the evil cult
Everything he worked toward is in the gutter and things actually become significantly worse for the people living in his empire. Not only that, he has to witness his family ripped apart and used as pawns in the game he was unwittingly, hopelessly outmatched in from the start
He has a come to Jesus moment and realizes just how badly he was outplayed and how much worse he made literally everything for literally everyone with his actions
And then he spends his last moments helping the MC try and defeat the evil he unleashed. While it's not necessarily a redemption or even sufficient atonement, there is at least the understanding that Arvis understands just how responsible he is for everything that's happened, and that he needs to do everything he can to try and fix it
Meanwhile Edelgard's story in CF is:
She gets everything she wants no matter how brutal or vile her methods are or how much pain she causes to the people around her
And then the game ends with absolutely no acknowledgement of that or consequences for those actions
Like... Yeah. I don't like either of them, but why would I feel the need to criticize Arvis for the bad shit he's done? When Arvis did bad shit the plot made him fuck his sister and turned his son into a literal demon god who hunts children for sport. Not only is the game fully aware of the bad shit he's done and takes every opportunity to point out how shitty he is, Arvis is fully aware of the bad shit he's done and takes the opportunity to atone for how shitty he was once he realizes this.
The frustrating thing about Edelgard isn't that she does bad shit. It's that the game never wants to engage with that bad shit beyond surface level "woe is me" pity speeches. Not only that, but it takes every opportunity to try and make you pity her, the person inflicting all of this suffering, instead of empathizing with the people she is inflicting suffering on. Like? Can you just imagine if FE4 stopped dead in its tracks and Seliph looked at the camera and said "Gee I know Arvis killed my dad and fucked my mom and brought the apocalypse on us and all, but actually I think he's kind of dope and I wish we could have walked hand in hand together uwu"? Holy fuck I would clown on FE4 so hard for that shit.
And I'd like to say I'd feel that way about a male character in the same situation, but honestly? I can't think of any. And that's because I feel like female characters are either the most evil, vile creatures to ever exist or they're handled with kid gloves and the narrative is terrified to criticize them in any way. It feels like writers are less afraid to write flawed-but-not-irredeemably-so male characters, who can have their flaws not only front and center but also a core part of their narrative.
And if I wanted to go deep into it and draw parallels to real life... look at how often we're expected to give men (most often cishet white men) the benefit of the doubt in society, and how often women are not afforded that privilege. E.g. if a man yells then he's just having a bad day, but if a woman yells she's a bitch and a horrible person. Fiction reflects our society's attitudes in real life. So men get to be nuanced and flawed and women get to be either an Angel or a Bitch, and a lot of writers have no idea how to write anything in between those two points because they actually believe that's all women can be.
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random thoughts about castaway diva, episode ten
(read more because i always get carried away lol and this post might contain spoilers)
Lee Uk is an incredible man!!! I keep repeating myself but he is. The lengths he'll go to to protect his family... <3 I have a lot of respect for him both as a man and as a father. He even went as far as confessing to the police about stealing the family's identity. He's a good man. His face should be the definition of the word "good". I am very tired but know I'll be always rooting for that man.
I'm disgusted by their neighbors' actions: spreading false rumors, turning their backs on so called friends, pitying mr jung when they know nothing about him. I can't wrap my head around the fact they'd stoop that low when they've known them for that long. Victims of ab*se already have a hard time confessing and going to the police to file a complaint, add on top of that nosy and hypocritical neighbors and friends = you'll obtain victims that'll never break out of their silence because of the shame and guilt.
One thing you can count on mok ha for is standing up for the people she loves. She's the first one to confront the neighbors by deconstructing their arguments/theories. It's a beautiful thing to see the relation between mok ha and the kang family. They're one big family 💓
Going back to lee uk, that man is a treasure. He's ready to face the consequences of his actions because he was inspired by his son's words "a lie is a lie. The more you lie, the more weaknesses appear."
Mr Jung is one scary man ewww He talks about his wife and kids as his property and not as people he loves dearly. No wonder they all escaped from him. And in his twisted mind, all his actions are normal and natural. It's natural for a father to search for his wife and kids. It's also normal to hit and ab*se his kids because they didn't obey him. I hope he ends up in jail and away from the family for a long long long time.
Poor Mok ha has a lot to deal with in this episode. First the testimony of mr jung's ab*se towards the family, now ran joo asking her to cut ties with the only people she can call family. I know she's trying to make sure mok ha wouldn't give up just like she did before but that's still a little bit harsh. I'm sensitive I know that.
I can sense the heartbreak coming 💔 ran joo is right about the general public's opinion of mok ha if the latter doesn't cut ties with the family. It breaks my heart but I do understand where she comes from. She has the right to think about herself too. Yoon ran joo is putting a lot into mok ha's career so she has to be sure of whether she'll produce mok ha's album or not.
I know I just said ran joo was harsh with mok ha but she needed to hear that. Mok ha still has this very utopic idea of the world, thinking the rumors won't come back on her once she debuts. She's always been naive so I'm thankful for ran joo shaking her up and opening her eyes.
I admire mok ha because she has so much love to give. She's far from weak, she's proven time and time again how strong she is not only on the deserted island but also in her pursuit of her goals. She prefers to see the glass half full instead of half empty. But sometimes, I can't help but think to myself she needs someone bringing her down to earth from her dreams. Don't get the wrong idea, it's a great thing to have a positive outlook on the world, but sometimes when you do it a lot, it becomes too much.
Oh no... The parallels between young ki ho preparing for their escape from chunsam island and now bo geol putting up the final touches of mok ha's new appartment... my heart is too weak for that!!!
The fact that he bought her an appartment as soon as he found she was alive! Ki ho, the man that you are today 💗💗💗
Mok ha being torn between the two most important things in her life: her dream of becoming a singer & protecting her family. I feel so sorry for her.
It's cute how mok ha thinks she can fool anyone by pretending she's only interested by her reputation as an almost-debuting artist. You can see it. You can hear it. She's not sure of herself. It sounds like she's beating herself up she hears those words come out of her mouth.
There are several things I don't understand: why did ran joo give up her shares when she was so close to the goal? Reaching the goal would've helped both her and mok ha in the long run (ie more money, more creative control, more decision making, etc.). That still doesn't make any sense to me. I'm grateful we got to see ran joo in her element (producing music) but still, i think her getting majority (or half i don't remember) of the shares would have been a better tactic. 2) How did woo hak fall in love with mok ha? It might be because I support bo geol and mok ha more but the love triangle feels a little forced :/ i do wish woo hak to find love, but not with mok ha.
Mok ha learning from her mistakes (distancing herself from the family) and being ready to risk it all to defend ran joo. Just like she said: "If I keep cutting people out, who's going to be left?" She's always been loyal to those close to her so it doesn't surprise me why she said that. And she's right. She's been living alone for a long time, she doesn't need to live that kind of life a second time.
It's nice to see the family all come together to face mr jung. I hope they win this case and mr jung leaves them alone once and for all.
A promising preview for the next episode, I can't wait!
Overall, I'd give this a 8.85/10
#main obstacle of this posts: trying to write mok ha instead of eun bin#i had to correct myself way too many times it's not even funny#i'm contradicting myself a lot in this post#but when have i ever not done so? never#the answer is never lol#random(al) thoughts#kdrama#castaway diva
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I think I sent an ask to quickly I meant it sarcastically because the argument is always i’m not racist I like Simone im sorry!
Prev ask: Most of the people with problems with Charithra are fans of Simone or/and Indian themselves select the racist accusation doesn’t make sense lol
Ok this second ask really clears it up. Yeah fandom in general always does this sort of "how can I be racist when I like (insert random non-white character's name)?" mental gymnastics and they LOVE using non-white fans who share their opinions about a specific character as their scapegoat because apparently a couple of non-white fans are the equivalent of every other non-white person of their minority, therefore no one has the right to accuse them of being racist 🙄. And of course since Bridgerton season 2 has given us the "abundance" of two dark-skinned Indian women, fans can pick and choose which ones they claim to stan just so they can hate on the other one.
It's especially disheartening to see this argument be tossed around again because honestly, arguing about Edwina's poor writing between non-white fans (who aren't always just Indian) has gotten a LOT of other people to be very comfortable with making the most outlandish claims about Charithra as an actress to the point where I'm honestly wondering what the fuck they're on. Like just today I had to witness someone on Twitter saying that Charithra's parents must've been secretly paying off the production if she was able to make demands for Edwina to have a bigger role in the show or to not be used as a plot device and these baseless claims got the point where now, people are hating Charithra for even daring to audition for Kate first??? Like the casting call for both sisters explicitly said that they were looking for a biracial Indian actress who's half-white to play Edwina, so even if Charithra wanted to audition for it, she likely couldn't have pushed for it since she is just starting off. Jonathan Bailey first read for Simon before getting to read for Anthony, it's literally how casting works in Hollywood but apparently we have to accuse Charithra of being an evil scheming Brown woman who's got it out for Simone. And it's just so obvious that it's a very targeted form of hate towards her because Nicola Coughlan is one of the biggest people when it comes to Bridgerton's marketing and promotion, like she's done so many interviews and promos and red carpet appearances or fashion magazine videos since being on the show, but I've never seen anyone put her against Simone or say she's stealing Simone's spotlight as the leading lady the way I've seen people say it for Charithra. It's disgusting every time and I'll never forget someone who made the very valid claim that since many of the fans who are currently into Bridgerton are period drama fans (a genre infamous for its pretty blatant lack of diversity when it comes to western adaptations), they can be pretty racist in a way that people who come from other fandoms aren't.
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hi! could you please explain why you think vegaspete cannot be murder husbands? i haven't come across any argument either for or against it so I'm curious what is the debate all about? thanks!
lmao oh no, i knew i should have put more thought into this particular tagging system. oh well, too late now.
because, okay, so, that post wasn't really meant to end up in the public tags - it was meant to stay in my own little sphere here on creating chaos. because even if the post itself is pretty straightforward and only has one throw way tag, it still needs Backstory to be understood.
because the "debate" isn't really a debate at all; it's a rant that i occasionally subject my poor followers to.
and the very first thing you need to know about me right from the bat - i'm never that serious. like 75 % of this blog is made up out of bad jokes. i may have opinions, but they are just that; My Opinions. so if you have another point of view and understanding of the subject, hey, more power to you and i love and support you forever and always.
this is my little corner of the internet though, so, with that said, and because i'm assuming you're new around here; welcome to "september's Murder Husbands rant 101".
so. i've seen my fair share of ships trying to claim the murder husbands epithet, and i have yet to see a couple come even close to earning the right to follow in the footsteps of the OG's.
because the SECOND thing you need to know about me is that i'm a Huge hannibal fan, and have been ever since the show first premiered way back in 2013. and hannigram are The Murder Husbands; like, first of all i'm territorial and that's their title and no random twinks just get to waltz in here and try to steal it from them, i won't stand for that.
second of all, they earned the title. like, it's extremely depictive. they are husbands that commit murders together, like, that's what the entire show is about. they are a couple of cold blooded murderers whose favorite couple activity is said murdering. (and then eating them. the eating of their victims is a very important point here.)
so any pairing that even wants to approach that title needs to live up to this standard.
and like i said, while vegaspete are deliciously unhinged and deranged, they just. aren't. that.
they're both killers, obviously, but they're not serial killers in the sense that they kill just to kill. they're both mafia men, and they both kill unflinchingly, but always with reasons leading back to the mafia. vegas happily kidnaps the first stray main family bodyguard he can get his hands on to torture to the brink of death, but he won't touch the random uncle on the street corner who has somehow managed to stay out of the mafia business altogether. pete will fervently gun down any of his fellow main family bodyguards as soon as they pose a threat to someone he cares for, but not a second sooner.
they don't kill indiscriminately, which in my head equals killers instead of murderers, so if anything they would be killer husbands and not murder husbands.
then there's the fact that they never killed together. which all ties back to the fact that they don't kill someone just to kill someone and that it always has a reason behind it. killing probably could be a couple's activity for them, if they found themselves back in the bowels of the mafia world again and they would have a reason to do it. but, their happy ending was not gallivanting around the world committing cold blooded murders together; their happy ending was to retire from the world that had made them killers in the first place. i'm sure they won't hesitate to kill anyone that dares try to disturb their happily ever after, but they won't go out of their way to continue killing people.
hence; no murder husbands.
and it's not so much that they can't be as in the way that we've seen them, they aren't. like, if you want to put them in a hannibal or an equally unhinged au and go hogwild, then go for it!!! i always support all expressions of lunacy. but canon vegaspete?? they just ain't it.
husbands, surely (hopefully), but without any excessive murdering.
so i adore vegaspete, they're absolutely insane, which is right up my alley. but murder husbands they are not.
#so i'm not tagging this because once again this is a 'creating chaos' cultural thing#i love that the post brought you here and i hope you've enjoyed your stay so far and that i haven't immediately scared you off#but yeah this stays in my little corner now <3#anonymous#storytelling september
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Got involved in an argument about AI artwork on a Facebook group where I was trying to impress on someone that AI software is stealing from poor artists who depend on commissions to pay rent(this person was arguing that telling people not to use AI artwork software is "classist" against poor people), and they responded, "artists shouldn't make their living from art, it should be something they do on the side as a passion".
As someone that's always been pretty happy to write and post my work for free, that really affected me. I offer my stuff for free because I expect a relationship with readers based on mutual respect - that if you take an hour to read something that took me dozens of hours to write, you're at least aware and respectful of what you got. But this AI artwork discussion is pulling all the entitled assholes out of the woodwork that want to shout how much they "deserve" the labor of artists for free. I don't write for entitled assholes. Entitled assholes are going to be the reason I don't post any more work. They're going to be the reason that hundreds or thousands of artists drop out of the art game completely, that people go hungry and lose their homes, that future generations never pursue art at all. But they don't care, because there's a shiny picture right in front of them that they can have for free.
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"ARAS are terrorists because they're pushing their political/social agenda" that's literally what activism is about, sweetie
#vegan#veganism#cruelty free#do these farms activists ever read what they write...#i mean#they need some self awareness#this is not healthy#and is always the argument of they're stealing from poor people#"!!#I don't give a fuck about rednecks who would call me racial slurs tbh#but that's just me i guess
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I was hoping you would be able to help me form a response when my family says they're sick of hearing of systemic racism and white privilege because THEY have had to work for everything and believe nothing got handed to them (true in the way they're thinking, but you know what I mean).
Welp. First, I applaud you for taking the initiative to engage in difficult conversations with your family, since the only way embedded racist ideas are going to get confronted in white society is if racist white people hear it from their friends and family. They are going to cheerily ignore protestors, academics, newsreaders, popular culture, and certainly politicians who say anything to the contrary, but it’s harder to ignore and brush aside when it’s coming from people who are directly within your own family group. They can still then ignore it, but at least you’re trying to do something that is not at all fun but which is deeply necessary, and good for you.
First, there are a few things for you to consider. Is this a case where they actually don’t know the difference, but are willing to learn, or is this essentially sealioning (where they act like they don’t know the difference, but they absolutely do, and put the emotional labor on you to extensively define and explain and educate while never intending to change their stances on anything). If it’s the former, then there is some point in engaging in dialogue with them. If it’s the latter, it’s a giant emotional trap that you are within your rights not to engage with until they signal that they’re willing to engage productively. You don’t have to educate someone who is categorically unwilling to be educated (especially when it’s often deliberate ignorance). As people like to say, Google is free, and it’s their responsibility to take the first steps to change. You can continue to talk with them, but yes, that is contingent on them actually standing a chance of listening to you and not just you wearing yourself out on something that they don’t want to actually hear (because it threatens them and makes them feel Personally Wrong, and white people don’t like that).
There have been various books written on why it’s so hard to talk to white people about racism, which you may be interested in checking out, not least the book "Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race” by Renni Eddo-Lodge. Ibram X. Kendi has also written “How to Be An Antiracist,” one of the bestselling books of this summer, either of which would be useful either in shaping your own arguments or (if they’re receptive) giving to your family. Once again, this is contingent on them signalling that they’re actually willing to listen, and not just to make you do pointless emotional labor. These books are probably available from your public library (though there’s probably a waitlist) or in other easily available formats.
Next, it’s a basic tenet of an anti-racist education that white people have never had to do this kind of reckoning, and thus get whiny, defensive, guilt-tripping, and “it’s not about ME I’m a GOOD PERSON” when it comes up. This also rests on the damaging and deeply intertwined effects of racism and classism, which has to be understood if you’re going to talk about it. One of the greatest tricks that racist capitalism ever pulled is convincing poor white people that they had more in common with their filthy rich white masters (people whose way of life will never in a thousand years be anything like each other’s) simply because they shared the inherent racial “purity” of being white. There have been political studies written on how poor/undereducated/working class white people have become such a reliably Republican constituency, because they have been successfully manipulated to believe that the white overlords are their “people” and they will constantly vote against their own economic, social, and cultural interests in favor of enriching amoral white demagogues who beat the populist xenophobic drum. Then they blame black and brown people for society’s ills and for the reason that they stay poor, rather than the rampaging oligarchs awarding themselves massive tax breaks and billion-dollar bailouts and refusing to extend unemployment benefits in case people “make too much money” from not working, just to name the most recent example. They are so poisoned on populist politics and white supremacy, which assures them that they’re better than anyone else by virtue of being white, that they actively attack politicians and policy platforms and other social welfare initiatives that would materially improve their own lives as “un-American.” This is maddening and sometimes baffling, but it’s how it works. Whiteness trumps all, currently literally thanks to the Orange Fuhrer. Problems in life are the fault of the Other.
This isn’t to say that poor white people are “dumb” and just unable to realize it, because they’re caught in a system that has done this literally from the start of America. In the early 17th century, indentured laborers and slaves in the American colonies were in fact more likely to be white. (The word “slave” comes from “Slav,” since that was the predominant ethnicity of slaves in medieval Europe; i.e. white eastern Europeans.) But even despite the fact that they were unpaid laborers, they were still white and thus recognized as human by their white masters, and thus when slave ships began arriving, it was easier for everybody to simply outright demonize and dehumanize the black African slaves. The poor white indentured servants got to feel better than the black slaves simply for the fact of their whiteness. Their lives obviously sucked, but their whiteness was in fact a mitigating factor in the suckiness that it involved once it was easier to use “animalistic” black people. And we wonder why America can’t ever confront its racist history properly. As Kendi calls it in his other book, it is stamped from the beginning.
As it has been put before, white people can and often do have difficult lives, because late-stage capitalism devours its workers no matter what color they are, but their whiteness isn’t a factor in why their lives are difficult. They will never encounter racial prejudice, race-based hate crime, discrimination for housing, education, employment, bank loans, daily microaggressions and identity erasure, constantly racist tropes in the media, politicians fingering them as everything wrong with America/the world, casual prejudices or assumptions even from close friends, assumed criminality based just on their race -- etc etc. The list goes on and on. Just because you have a hardscrabble economic background does not mean that your life has been made harder by your race -- because if you’re white, it hasn’t. (And as noted, poor white people have consistently voted for megalomaniac white men who don’t give a shit about them but promise them that everything is fine or should be better for them because of their whiteness, and then blame minorities for being the source of their problems.)
I honestly wonder if racism would still be such a problem in America if we had a remotely more equitable economic system, because when you’re well off and have your basic needs consistently met and don’t need to worry that you’re one paycheck away from disaster, it’s harder to constantly be paranoid that your differently colored neighbors are stealing everything from you and the cause of all society’s ills. The historian Patrick Hyder Patterson wrote a very interesting book on material culture in Yugoslavia in the 20th century, where he basically argued that despite the spectacular collapse of the federation into the Yugoslavian wars of the 90s, things didn’t really go to hell until after the economy crashed following Josip Broz Tito’s death in 1980. While there were obviously ethnic fault lines and conflicts between Serbs, Croats, Montenegrins, Bosniaks, Albanians, etc, when there wasn’t any money and any jobs and everyone thought everyone else was to blame, THAT is when the whole thing blew up into a genocidal civil war clusterfuck. Food for thought.
This is why people talk about economic justice and racial justice as going hand in hand. When there is a scarcity of resources and no social safety net, people are obviously more inclined to look for scapegoats and to blame someone for taking their entitlement (while still somehow refusing to blame the billionaires and corporate oligarch who are ACTUALLY stealing from them). They indeed actively resist any attempts to make their own lives better as being “socialist” or “un-American” and take pride in the fact that there’s absolutely jacksquat nothing (until of course, something like the coronavirus pandemic hits and it’s revealed just how many of us were always one missed paycheck away from disaster). Then when they need government assistance (while disdaining the government as tyrannical the rest of the time, unless it’s Trump’s actively tyrannical lot, but hey, we don’t have time to unpack all that) it’s still shameful and something they shouldn’t be using, instead of their basic entitlement to a decent life.
This country is poisoned on a lot of toxic beliefs, but this is one of the deepest-running one, and which will always get in the way of poor white people dealing with racism: their lives suck, but they have ALWAYS been told that despite that, they’re still better just for being white, which is their consolation prize for supporting white populists who actively rob them, and they haven’t even always consciously registered that. They just feel that if they’re “fine,” even if they’re not fine, then black people are just malcontents and criminals who can’t hack it. In 2016, there was a lot of ink spilled over how poor white people felt a sense of economic grievance and being left behind, which was why they voted for Trump, but... Trump was never going to do a damn thing about that??? He doesn’t actually do anything for his supporters except feed them his jingoistic Orange Nazi stump speeches. They voted for Trump to feel vindicated, not to actually improve their lives, and it’s damn clear by now that not only has he NOT improved their lives, he has no desire to do so. He just wants them to cheer for him and feed his ego, not fix any problems.
Basically, racism and capitalism and the American political system intersect in multiple deeply toxic ways to do precisely what you’re talking about; producing poor white people who feel that they shouldn’t be included in the reckoning with racism because if THEY worked hard and they don’t live in a mansion, somehow racism is fake and black people should just shut up and get a job etc etc. This is because poor white people have been systematically conditioned to support white supremacy at the direct expense of their own economic and social interests; it’s terrible, but that’s how it functions. They will never in a million years have anything in common with the (white) ruling class, but they still instinctively identify with them rather than people in their own deprived economic class who are different races or colors or religions. That is how white supremacy has supported the hyper-inequality of the industrial age, and vice verse, and it is one of capitalism’s best functions for survival, so it’s in the interests of the overlords to maintain it. Stop the workers from recognizing pan-racial solidarity based on economic grievance, and compete with each other and blame each other rather than the overarching system, easy!
Anyway. Once again, this is long. But in short, the attitudes your family are exemplifying are a direct result of both racism and classism as they have been deliberately cultivated in the American social and political system, and the interlocking causes and symptoms of both have to be recognized (and acknowledged) before they can get to dealing with that. I don’t know how that will go, and I don’t have an easy shortcut. But I’m glad you’re trying. Good luck.
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The Untamed, episode 43 - watching notes
The sun is setting on this show for me and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet 😔
(As if I will! Ha. Imma blog about nothing else the next ... probably years)
Last time on Sophie watches the untamed: We're still in the restricted section. The twin love-struck idiots of lan and wwx found the Collection of turmoil and suspect Jin Guangyao of intentionally bringing about Nie Mingjue's qui deviation.
As much as I love the "hihi. Wwx is wearing his boyfriend's underrobe" aspect of this, I also like the visual incorporation of lwj's colour scheme into wwx's clothes. (Not just through the undertone, his black tone also has slight grey seam.) It's as if now that they are finally fully committed to each other, wwx is displaying it for all the world to see
Jin Guangyao tore out a page to hide the evidence. That's not how to do that!!!
My heart is breaking for Lan Xichen. He looks like a man standing on a train track and watching the light speed towards him in horror while he's unable to move away
Feels like exactly no one on this show is getting their happy ending
*thinks about yi city and cries forever*😭😭😭
"Wangji, Jin Guangyao,in my eyes, is a totally different person from how you and other people see him." And we all know that lwj knows exactly what that's like
PARALLELS! 😭
(Sorry, I have a thing for those)
And lwj looks so pained
Thinking about it, it's now the man lwj loves against the man lxc loves (in whatever way. I still ship them. Not sure if its "canonically" romantic though). They can't both be right, so ... one of them is going to get their heart broken
Great, first the Yunmeng brothers, now the lan brothers are breaking my heart 🥺
Lwj says he's visiting "Grand Master", that's Lan Qiren right? What happened to him anyway? Haven't seen him in ages
I love how, even though it is wwx's word against jgy's right now, lan Xichen is still genuinely kind towards wwx
The whipping scars! I hadn't even thought about those anymore 😳
I'm probably going to get my heart ripped out soon, but before that
"You are not qualified to talk to me."
Sickest. Burn. Ever.
Also, no disrespect to the actor, but that's a backpfeifengesicht if I've ever seen one
(Backpfeifengesicht: "German compound word for a 'face that should be slapped'. Ex:. When GWB smirks on TV, my German friend Uwe tells me that he sees a 'Backpfeifengesicht'." Urban dictionary)
He went to burial mount after wwx was killed??? 🥺🥺🥺
I've noticed something with lwj. When he's distressed, he won't look people in the eye or not even at their faces, just in their very general direction. To me it seems like he almost... can't? Any thoughts on that? Cause I'm intrigued but I can't think about it too much right now cause I'm already writing half an essay in this commentary again 😅
Oh fuck YOU Jiggy!!!
Holy shit ... holy shit
Lan Wangji 🥺🥺🥺
He fought against everyone?
This is how he showed his grieve???
He went to the place wei Wuxian had called home and ... what? Protected or ot so they wouldn't desecrate it? To search for him? To ... what?
Oh god, Wangji! 😭
That image... I'm speechless. It's so powerful
He's half-mad with grieve and kneeling in the ruins of his dead loves home, having fought himself to exhaustion and I'm... not okay 😭😭😭
He had to repent for THREE YEARS??
Oh no, you don't
Holy ...
Holy shit
How can my heart break and be so full at the same time 💔🥺
Lan Wangji ... my love
I'm ... so proud of him and yet so sad
Here he is at his lowest, finally standing up to the orthodoxy he knows to be wrong
This is inhumane 😳
The corporal punishment of the lan sect always was but THIS
Fuck them
Or Lan Qiren specifically
That's his nephew. How can he even look at himself?
"Eradicate evil. Establish laws. Than goodness will be everlasting."
IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!
WHAT EVEN IS "GOODNESS"? WHOSE VERSION OF GOODNESS? DEVINE EVIL! HOW FAR REACHING INTO THE PRIVATE SVERE SHOULD THUSE LAWS BE? DOES IT STOP AT "DON'T STEAL FROM PEOPLE OR AT "DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE AT DINNER"?
what I'm saying is: there are about 200 ethical question ls being raised by this rule alone!
And now lan Wangji had 3 tears to contemplate them
Wwx asking "why would he bother ...?" BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!
Ohhh! We're getting their parents' story 😱
Oh this IS a Lan episode 💙
So another Lan falling quickly and never looking back?
I'm sensing a pattern here 🤨
Wait what?
Let me get this straight:
Their father loved a woman who DID NOT love him back and then killed one of his teachers
(And I hope we find out why. That sounds like there is a REALLY interesting story there)
Then he takes her to cloud recess and DESPIT HER NOT LOVING HIM, marries her, fathers two children with her (um... how voluntary was that????) locks her up (as punishment for the murder?) then locks HIMSELF up and then fucks of and leaves his children with their uncle
What kind of disaster human being was their dad????
Did he do the right thing WHEN HE MARRIED AND PROBABLY RAPED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T LOVE HIM???
NO!!!
The fuck kinda question is that ??
If you have to marry her against her will and then lock her up, guess what? That's not love, that's wanting to possess someone
I hope that maybe the connotation is different in the og Chinese,but I'm not holding out much hope
That explains why Qiren is such a lovely character through 😒
But god, my heart breaks for lwj and lxc :'(
Little Lan Wangji!!! 🥺🥺🥺
Oh darling ...
Oh no ...
Look at him look at his crooked little headband😭😭😭
He went there every month!!!
Oh Wangji 💔💔
Stubborn, steadfast, loving Wangji!
That seals it. I KNEW why he was my favourite character
He isn't so passive all the time, because he feels too little! He feels entirely too much!!! 😭😭😭
And that explains why lwj was so worried about wwx's demonic cultivation harming him!!! 😭
Oh god, it was such an old hurt for him. I had no idea 🥺🥺🥺
All of these characters need a therapist
Lxc playing the flute to what ... deal with his emotions? Express his grieve? Remeber their mother? (And god, do I want to know more about her!!) Either way, It's making me tear up 😥
"It's so difficult to determine others personalities depending on our perspective." Welcome to the human condition, my friend 💙
And that's love
I ... wish I could show you my face right now
I'm smiling through tears right now
It's so utterly beautiful
He looks so vulnerable here! With his hair (almost) down
And given what we've just learned, that's remarkable!!!
He closed himself off became the immovable stone-faced second Jade of Lan and yet, somehow, wwx wormed his way into his heart and sure, both of them needed to overcome a lot, but here they are, vulnerable and open,not letting their parent's fate decide theirs
I'm... *sniff*
I can never get enough of lwj with his hair like this!!
It's so domestic, so soft
And look at his face! 😭
And mister "alcohol is prohibited" is now serving it 😭
Oh my god this scene is so beautiful
I'm speechless
Was the second flute Jin Guangyao as well?
At this point I'm just expecting more plot-twists
He looks so young! 🥺
Both of them are exhibiting so much growth in this episode!! Wwx realising that the fact that the cultivation world had always looked for a scapegoat and that he himself was just the most convenient target, that it's not to any personal failing of his, that's HUGE!
And I'm so proud of him :')
Lwj starting to play in the distance :')
This is so utterly peaceful
My heart is bursting 😭😭😭
The music, the scenery ...
Also, both thinking they have a clean conscious!!! 😭😭😭
Again, it's them holding the same morals that's important! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!
(But wwx still cannot drink like a normal person :D)
The contrast to lxc sitting alone couldn't be starker 😔
Wait, why are there puppets at burial mounds again?
Are we going back to burial mounds? I'm weirdly excited 😅
Aaand Jin Guangyao just proved to them that he's lying. Poor Xichen
Yup, I'm pretty sure his heart just snapped in half
Little Apple!!! I've missed him 😁
Gosh, they're laying it on thick with the domestic husband bliss this episode and I'm here for it.
I love lwj's soft smile when he looks at bunnies so much!! 🥰
Bunnies, bunnies everywhere
It's the invasion of the bunnies
Who ever is the show runner *banging pots and pans together* IT'S GAY!! cab you all hear me? These two love each other! It's G - A - Y!!! Gay!!!
Probably
Lwj's shocked look when wwx says that he's not popular with little animals, as if to say "how dare they!" :D
Holy shit ... HOW MANY SCENES CAN THEY INCLUDE IN THIS EPISODE THAT MAKE THEM LOOK SO GODDAMN MARRIED???
Is wwx sitting side saddle?
Wwx plays wangxian :')
He finally remembers how lwj recognized him :')
Sneaky, show, very sneaky :D
Wwx about to casually steal some melons, lwj *wordlessly takes out money* ^^
MIANMIAN!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!
I'd given up hope that we'd see her again!!!
I'm so happy I could burst!!!
Lwj's little exasperated head-shake before he stands up from crouching behind some hay 😂
Aww, look at her family! 😍😍😍
She build her own live :')
And look at this badass woman protecting the ones she loves!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WEI WUXIAN??? You don't remember her???
You better remember my wife!!!
Aaand another freeze frame. But I'm willing to forgive it because THIS EPISODE WAS SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT!
It made me realise why I was so drawn to lan Wangji as a character. Of course he is mu favourite character! He ticks every single box
Let me explain. My favourite characters almost always share the following characteristics: seems either cold and distant or ethereal and aloof, as if they are above such puny human things like feelings™️(bonus if they're actually not human and their argument is "I'm [insert species]. We can't feel [insert emotion they are definetly feeling very strongly]"). then, over the course of the story, we (along with they themselves because they were in denial) discover that it's not that they feel too little, they feel entirely too much. They're a sea of emotions so deep that the surface is calm, but don't you dare be near them when the storm is coming because all hell will break loose. (extra bonus point if that storm involves them rebelling against the oppressive society they were born into and adhered to until then because they realise their consciousness won't allow it any longer.) afterwards they realise that making themselves vulnerable once in a while is actually a good thing and they proceed to fuck the Rebel™️ who they've secretly been in love with the entire time, a feeling they only now allow themselves to act on
The last part sadly isn't always canon, but who has ever had time for that?
You know what this episode made me realise most of all? The Lan sect are just as human as the rest of them. In fact, they seem to be especially prone to acting rashly on strong emotions. (I don't remember the exact story, but didn't the founder of the Lan sect also have some kind of tragic love story?) It should be obvious, but the impression you get is that they are so detached from their wants, so rigorous and disciplined in their righteousness, that they are almost super-human. But no. Thise 3000 and some rules? They weren't born out of some enlightened mind that had the secret of live figures out, they're a crutch. Abiding by them without question rids one of responsibility to make even the tiniest moral choice for oneself. But that won't work because a) they're bounty to contradict each other at some point and b) that's not how human beings work. They're messy and unpredictable and beautifully complicated. The way Lan Qiren choses to apply them, he completely disregards that. At that point, the rules aren't there anymore to grant a harmonious society, but simply for their own sake. (Or maybe as a wall to hide behind)
@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose
I think this liveblog has been the longest so far. I'm sorry for going on so many tangents, but lwj's backstory hit me really hard. I hope you guys weren't too bored 💚
(I also apologise for the mountains of typos that probably accumulated in this post. I'm too tired to check.)
#the untamed#sophie watches the untamed#the untamed liveblog#wei wuxian#wwx#lan wangji#lwj#wangxian#lan xichen#jin guangyao#luo qingyang#mianmian#tw: rape mention#i just realized that I should tag that#although i still hope i misunderstood#don't think i did though :/
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Hey I just want to tell you how I love your writings!! Since you write Yami and Yugi so well how would you think they would react when their s/o would get jealous. I mean they're fairly famous duelist so they would probably have a lot of fan girls/boys? This question doesn't let me fall asleep the past nights!
Aww thank you so much anon!!! You’re so sweet <3 <3 <3
I hope these headcanons are what you’re looking for and they help you sleep better tonight haha.
Yugi
Okay so, Yugi has two modes when his s/o gets jealous: flattered and concerned, and I think whichever he feels is dependent on the situation and exactly HOW his s/o is jealous.
On the lighter side, if s/o is just acting a little huffy/annoyed about all the fans trying to flirt with him, then Yugi will actually be pretty flattered.
Think about it, he's spent most of his life with little confidence, always being told he's not a "real man" or something to that effect, and even had some moments where he feared that Yami/Atem outshone him in the "I'm a charming handsome love interest" department. So to think that his s/o is jealous like...at all, yeah, it kinda gives him a confidence boost to know his s/o loves/wants him enough to be irked at all the fans stealing his attention away.
He actually won't say that unless a deeper conversation about jealousy comes up, and on the outside he'll usually just laugh it off, quickly excuse himself from the fan(s), take your hand after giving it a light kiss, and pull you away for some alone time to set your now annoyed mood at ease <3
Now, on the more angsty side of things, if his s/o was genuinely upset or acted insecure, Yugi is devastated.
He'd be worried that he did something to cause the insecurity, that he made s/o feel that way, and worry about that makes him so upset with himself!
He'd ask for the two of you to sit down and talk about why you're upset like mature adults (Yugi wants emotions to be expressed freely in relationships), starting with an apology on ever making you feel that way and assuring you that you're amazing and no one could steal him away from you <3
Atem
Honestly….Atem is confused someone save this poor child. He just doesn't understand what there is to be jealous about.
Atem's a bit oblivious to the fact that he's a celebrity and EXTREMELY attractive. It never even crosses his mind that people might "steal" him away so hes just confused by his s/o's jealousy.
He'd ask you questions trying to get to the bottom of your jealousy so he can "fix" it but he doesn't really understand that its just a basic emotion most people have and it can't really be fixed per se.
Atem remains clueless and oblivious….until he experienced jealousy for the first time himself. He sees Duke flirt with you and all of a sudden he's just like "....oh….OH! Now I understand!"
After that he usually does subtle things to help curb your jealousy. When a fan starts fawning over him he'll gracefully dodge their compliments and questions and instead talk about "his wonderful s/o" or subtly mention you, stuff like that.
On another hilarious note, Atem also gets mega flustered if someone gets….bold with him. If someone so much as touches his arm flirtatiously or grabs his hand, he turns beet red and just yells (rather loudly) that he loves his s/o, or just calls for you like a kid yelling for his parent.
Also, if this is Pharaoh Atem we're talking about and you show signs of being jealous, he’ll lavish you in gifts as a way to show you that you’re his one and only. He’ll also put aside some extra alone time with you between duties but he first defers to the gifts, mostly because he loves spoiling you in general and also wants to show anyone who might be inciting this jealousy that he’s already got a lover he still devoted to. (example: buying you lavish clothes so you’re basically a beacon saying “I’m the pharaoh’s” when you’re wearing them)
Also, here’s a bonus! Since I write a lot of poly-ship stuff, I wanted to make sure those who like my Atem x Reader x Yugi stuff got some headcanons! The above still applies, these are just to add a bit more “poly” flavoring to the subject, so to speak.
Atem AND Yugi
So let's say this is a “Atem stayed and has his own body now” AU. Yugi still has all the fame attached to being King of Games, and now you have Atem with his good looks, ties to famous Yugi, and who’s making a name for himself as a duelist in his own right. Yeah, they’re both going to get a LOT of attention!
Yugi is the first to notice your jealousy (again with Atem being oblivious), he quickly brings it up to Atem, and together they both decide to set any worries you have at ease.
They both increase how often they mention you in interviews, on social media, and to any fans who approach them. They also become more affectionate in public, holding your hand more often, kissing your cheek more, doing less to hide the adoring looks they throw your way, calling you some cute pet names, all of it leaves little room for argument on just how in love they are with you!
Also, much like in Yugi’s headcanons, if they sense that you’re actually upset, insecure or anything like that, they’ll sit down and ask you to talk your feelings out with them honestly so they can address them with you. They’ll do anything they can to set your insecurities at ease and, along with increasing how often they show affection in public, they’ll increase how often they cuddle you and tell you they love you all in an effort to show you how devoted they are <3
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May I get a matchup? I am a 5'8 female with buzzed brown hair. I speak Russian and English. I don't open up right away, but when I do I'm absolutely crazy. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have I am very close with. Most days I just sit at home with my cats and watch horror movies. I'm homeschooled so I'm almost never out. I have a very dark sense of humor that makes people uncomfortable if they're not used to it. Overall, I can be sort of clingy but I will always be there for my s/o.
Yay! Another match up! ✨
I match you with.....
Ben Drowned!
Surpppppriseee???
You were rarely seen to be outside and your close friends didn't come over for today which ended up with you lazily watching another horror film with your Cats on each side.
It was like any other day but you didn't expect the screen to start glitching and turn static and it turned off on its own. The next minute it suddenly lit up again and this time the screen was back to normal.
Or so you thought.
You were slightly shaken when a hand came out of the screen.
" Wow this is some freaky effects... Is this some sort of the ring rip off? " You commented and you didn't really think that the creepy thing crawling out of your T.V would stop for a moment and reply.
" No this isn't a rip off! I just needed a place to crash cause I pissed off the smile freak inside the damn mansion! " Now fully out of your T. V screen the elf boy was fuming with anger so much he looked like a tomato.
At first you were so confused you just gave him a wtf look and he didn't seem to notice it and kept rambling.
He was rambling none stop about the assholes he had to face and he even had the audacity to sit right next to you and start nagging his heart out while dramatically flailing his arms around to emphasize what he meant.
There was probably something wrong with you because you paused the movie and decided to listen to an elf gremlin with red glowing eyes who just crawled out of the tv like it was the most normal thing he had ever done...
He kept rambling and rambling until he got tired so he decided to snatch the rneote away from your hand and play the movie.
" Nah... I have a better movie collection " He commented making you furrow your eye brows.
Wow he really acted like he owned your house but it's not like you had much of a choice so you just decided to how with it.
At first Ben found you intimidating because of your withdrawn personality and how cold you seem to be but he didn't kind it at first.
It felt nice to have someone listen to his nagging.
In the end he went back into your TV and disappeared.
But you never expected him to come back the next day this time he was bringing a box filled with tapes. His own collection of horror movies now that was one thing you had in common.
Because of your character difference and your lack of things in common arguments ensued from your own theories and head butting comments you two had with the films but at last you'd end up calling quits and just watch the film silently.
This cycle continued for more than 2 months and it didn't take long for the elf boy to actually develop feelings for you. Yes a woman who is very much taller than him but height doesn't matter!.
So he made up a plan to confess to you. On that very day you woke up to find him cooking breakfast for you... It ended with a burned egg though but you appreciated his gesture.
Soon it led to the two of you binge watching horror movies and he was more nervous and stiff than he would usually be and at the end of the night he gave you a box .
You opened it and saw a cut tabby cat and a ribbon on its head. The ribbon had a card and when you read the card it said.
' I like you , go out with me'.
And honestly you were delighted to see another Cat you get to call yours.
You were genuinely happy that Ben actually liked you.
You could help but give him a peck on the lips.
The poor boy lost all his cool and started stuttering.
And that's how your first meeting and his confession turned out.
The next couple of weeks were fun dates with him and by that it means going in on random stores by Electronics , cosplaying and even stealing a few things here and there without getting caught.
Time passed by in a blink of an eye and dating him means he gets full privilege on cuddling you, or laying on your tummy or your lap.
He found your humor very enlightening and hilarious and he soon saw a clingy side to you that he was very prepared to dote on.
He would casually float his way towards you and kiss you or wrap his arms around you until you finally give in and snuggle against his touch.
He actually likes it when you're clingy. It makes him feel important and wanted. He even urged you to be more a lot more clingy than you already were.
Despite not having a lit of things in common he showed you his world of Video games and you showed him the world of cats and horror.
You were his cling cat lady and everything will turn into a horror movie if someone dared to take you away.
____________
Did I give myself a hard time cause I shipped her with Ben whom she has nothing in common? Maybe.
I just like mixing and matching things and making it work it's fun!
#creepypasta headcanon#creepypasta#Send asks and requests#ship#matchup#pairings#creepypasta matchup#Benjamin#Ben Drowned#send asks new friends!
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Fifteen Minutes
Monster Prom // No Pairings // 2609 Words // Lyrics by Mike Krol
“What if I told you that the world was gonna end? And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?” Vicky sings, bobbing her head to the tune that seemed to be playing in her head.
“What lame shit are you singing now?” Damien demanded, flicking a finger at her.
“None of your business,” Vicky bristled. “Why do you care anyway?”
I sucked in a breath. Vicky was really pushing it now. I think she is the only one with balls low enough to question Damien. Besides me, obviously. Well, Vera and Brian were plenty badass for it too. But only because Vera had enough brain cells to manipulate the way she said it that it looked like she wasn’t confronting him, and also because Brian gave no fucks whatsoever about Damien’s chaotic behaviour. Even now, I shudder to think of some of the arguments Damien and Brian had had.
And speaking of the devil and his green mates, they were huddled together in a manner that only meant no good. Now, Damien had swivelled around to face Vicky, a sneer on his face. I was sure his eyes would flare in rage at her question (they were always somewhat flared with rage), but instead they narrowed and Damien just frowned.
“Because you're distracting me, Brian and Vera from devising a plan to ransack the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics from hell for when he starts looking at our attendance records,” Damien said, gesturing to Brian, who had looked up blankly, and Vera, who was wearing her trademark scowl.
I should've known. Damien had always had a weird soft spot for Vicky (and Oz and Scott, but everybody had a soft spot for Oz and Scott).
“And steal his things,” Vera added. “I heard ghouls were filthy rich.”
“Great,” Brian rolled his eyes sarcastically at her. “So you're just going to waltz into Mr Devido’s office whilst he's being assaulted by epileptic demons and take your time picking and choosing what's valuable enough for your standards, unaware? Great plan, Vera. I thought you were supposed to be a grand schemer.”
Meanwhile, Vicky went back to humming her little tune. Miranda, who was in the middle of braiding Liam’s hair as he was browsing his phone (a seemingly pure act, if you ignored the fact that he was reading erotic gay smut and she kept rambling on her father’s new murderous conquests), looked up at her and smiled warmly. She soon picked up the few words Vicky sang, and began to sing it too, Liam then unconsciously murmuring them too after a while.
“I am, you ungrateful toad,” Vera snapped in the meantime. “Would you be paying attention to anything else around you if you were being grinded on by demons having seizures?”
Brian seemed to mull it over, then he said, “You’ve got a point.”
Polly, who had her head laid in Oz’s lap (poor Oz was trying to do homework, and ignore the heinous acts his friends were planning to commit) and her feet were resting in Scott’s lap (Scott was just chewing on a football, only to stop, look up, and smile adorably at everybody) and was complaining loudly at how bored and sober she was, and how she hadn't got completely wasted in seven hours.
“Seven hours!” She cried out, either to Oz or Scott, but it might as well of been no one, because no one was really listening. “That's the longest I've ever been without drugs and adrenaline coursing through my undead body! Can you imagine? And it's because I'm hanging out with you borings fuckheads. I mean, I'm literally in the lap of somebody doing fucking homework. I haven't even said the word ‘homework’ in centuries. And I'm not even on Oz’s lap in a sexual way so what even is the fucking point–?”
“–And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?”
<!— more —>
“What the fuck are you singing?!” Damien roared at Liam, who jerked in alarm, Miranda, who just grinned evilly, and Vicky, who just rolled her eyes at his drama. “It’s going to make me go insane!”
“More insane than you already are?” I prompted, not being able to help myself.
Damien’s scorching eyes turned to me, and I snickered. He’s so easy to piss off.
“Amira,” he growled at me, “tell Vicky and company to shut the fuck up. They respect you for some reason.”
“It’s because she has really fucking good music taste,” Polly answered for Damien. “Like, it’s seriously good.”
Everyone collectively nodded, and I blushed.
“Wow guys,” I said, feeling this was a good time to talk about Rex Orange County’s new album, “it’s not that–”
“What would you guys do if you had fifteen minutes left in life?” Scott blurted, a troubled (yet absolutely adorable) expression on his face.
“I'd probably try to fuck up the world even more,” Polly said immediately, grinning at the thought. “I think I'd try to burn down everything, spray some secret concoction to get people incredibly horny, watch them get at it as they're burning to death, and I plan to do this all while riding a donkey casually.”
“To be honest, I'd probably try to finish this first and foremost,” Liam said, holding up his phone. Then he smiled goofily. “This shit is good.”
“Would you spend it with me and friends?” Scott said, wide-eyed.
Polly and Liam looked at him, at his vulnerable face, and I knew what they were going to say before they said it.
“Of course!” Polly said enthusiastically. “Yeah, doing all that with you guys would make it even more rad!”
“Yeah,” Liam added, but then blushed in that cute, shy way. “But I don’t know how much you guys would love reading this with me.”
“I’d love doing everything with you both,” Scott grinned, his mood instantly picking up, as Polly choked at the statement. He then turned to look at Damien and Oz.
“How about you two?” Scott queried, and I laughed a bit about how Damien’s face scrunched up as he started to think about. No doubt he was using his maximum brain power.
“To be honest, I’m probably the one who is ending the world,” Damien remarked, and everyone started to nod their heads in agreement. “So, sorry about that in advance.”
“I’d probably have to finish this Monsters' History homework first,” Oz said, gesturing awkwardly at his essay he was writing out, “and then I’d probably straighten up all my debts and then–”
“Oh my Satan, Oz, shut it,” Damien said, massaging his temples, as if Oz’s statement caused him physical harm. “It makes me sad, that you would say that. And it also makes me impeccably annoyed with you. And now I feel hostile.”
“When do you not feel hostile, though?” Vicky and I said at the same time, and then we grin at each other and high five.
Damien glared at us, whilst Oz is quick to defuse the fire.
“Well, sorry Damien, but I'm just being honest,” he said quickly, drawing Damien’s attention to him (which is kinda ballsy, if I do say so myself). “But what I do know,” Oz continued bravely, under Damien's smouldering gaze, “is that I wouldn't mind ending the world with you, Damien.”
It's hilarious, seeing Damien’s naturally red face get even redder, and to see Oz realise what he just said and sputter innocently. Vera, however, is not pleased.
“Oh,” she said, sniffing in jealous offence (that takes me all the willpower I possessed not to burst into giggling fits, and I could see I wasn't the only one struggling there, because Polly was just barely keeping it down), “I see how it is. You would destroy the world with Damien, but not with me, Oz?”
“What? No! Of course I would want to do everything with you–” and then Oz’s voice died and Polly finally lost it, which made me burst as well, and the next thing you know Vicky was also giggling along with us. Even Brian seemed to be smirking.
Vera glared at us, which made Vicky and me shut up, and Brian just lost his amused expression naturally, but Polly was undeterred.
“For the record,” Damien said in a weird, insecure, shy tone that made him sound like an entirely different person. “I don't, you know, mind doing homework or whatever nerdy stuff with you, Oz.”
And now Brian was the one sputtering.
“Oh you fucking snot,” he spat, and both Damien and Oz flinched before they could get any more flustered (watching those two try to interact and connect was the funniest shit ever, everyone agreed). “So when I asked for you to hang out with me when I was doing my homework, do you remember what you told me? You told me to get fucked!”
Was it just me, or did Brian genuinely sound hurt? It must've not only been me, because Scott started to pout and put a gentle (albeit big and hairy) hand on Brian’s shoulder, which at least made Brian relax at his touch a bit (if anyone had the power of friendship at their fingertips, it was Scott). Even Liam looked up, vaguely distraught.
“That was only because you had Liam and Miranda over,” Damien, sniffing indignantly. “And if I went, I knew you wouldn't stop making heart eyes at Miranda, so I blew it off to commit tax fraud with Amira. But if you really wanted me to come, then you should've just, you should've just–”
Damien looked at a loss.
“Told him how you really felt?” Vicky prompted, and Damien snapped his fingers.
“Yes!” He exclaimed. “That.”
“What would you do then, Brian and Vera? If you had fifteen minutes?” Miranda asked this time, her eyes shining with curiosity.
“Spend all the millions I’ve earned to hire a gang and assassinate anyone who had ever crossed me,” Vera said without hesitating. “Then, I shall have them skinned and made into fabulous purses. And then I will sell those purses to earn me even more money, and use that to buy us all really expensive, furnished mansions, with servants and multicultural cuisines and everything, so we can live the rest of our lives in absolute luxury.”
Awww. That was actually quite adorable. Vera cares about our lifestyles too!
“And you plan to do this all in fifteen minutes?” Liam asked, deadpan.
“You'd be surprised at how efficient I am,” Vera sniffed, but I didn't think I'd actually be that surprised.
“Definitely not hang out with Damien,” Brian sniffed sourly after Vera had shared. “I guess try to finish off ransacking the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics with Vera. And then, I don't know. Relax and await my death.”
“Well, that's fucking depressing,” Polly murmured to me. “And I didn't know I was capable of getting depressed.”
I snorted. Was she still astounded about how somber Brian was?
“Wouldn't you still have to hang out with Damien to continue your plan with the horny epileptics, though?” Liam asked.
“Well, yeah, fine,” Brian said, not making eye contact with his demon friend (who was trying to make eye contact with him, and honestly, it was shocking how much Brian and Damien got into their own squabbles). “But I don't have to talk to him. That can be Vera’s job.”
“I'm not being your owl!” Vera hissed at him, and she actually hissed. Her small green snakes on her head did too, showing how much she detested the idea.
“What if you were paid?” Miranda queried, probably just out of curiosity, but Vera’s hissing ceased immediately.
Before Vera could discuss any specifics, Vicky butted in.
“I’ve thought about this one,” she said smugly, and no one was surprised. Number one, Vicky had thought about scenarios for everything. And number two, she probably would've thought of this before if she knew the song beforehand. “I would make it my life's goal to find the tastiest flavour of ice cream in all the dimensions! And once I find that ice cream, I will use a device that I would have Calculester make me, that clones the ice cream! And then I will bring all the ice cream back to this dimension and invite all of you guys over and we can eat the ice cream together!”
Everyone seemed to enjoy that idea, except one frowning ghost.
“Um, hello?” Polly asked, raising a hand and gesturing to herself. “Did you forget about me?”
“Of course not!” Vicky exclaimed emotionally. “Caculester is now working on a device that makes food into incorporeal substance that you can digest, Polly. Because, seriously, it breaks my heart that you can't eat. It really does.”
Polly seemed satisfied enough with that answer.
“How did you get Calculester to do that for you?” I ask.
Vicky winked. “Let's just say I turned on my unwavering charm to that library computer. And he didn't stand a chance.”
“If I had fifteen minutes left, I would want to be coronated,” Miaranda said, poshly. “I would invite you all to my coronation, of course. And then once I am mermaid queen I will throw an amazing national party for all of us to enjoy, whilst forcing my endless numbers of slaves to fight each other to the death for our entertainment! Oh, I can see it all coming together!”
Miranda’s expression turned dreamy, which was cute but also quite disturbing since she was thinking about bloodshed. Damien started to nod in approval, though. He seemed to like the idea. Bloody royals.
“I would want to take all of you to the park, where we can have a picnic, and hold hands, and give each other gifts to show how much we care for one another!” Scott said, his tail wagging happily. “And then we can sing songs and die happy with each other, knowing that we love us!”
Scott was so adorable, everyone looked misty-eyed. Vicky leapt up to wrap her arms around Scott, her affection for him seeming to be too overwhelming for her (Scott didn't complain, though). Brian was smiling, and seemed to forget about his brief argument with Damien, because now they were both grinning at each other. Liam was even beaming.
“Ew,” Vera finally said. “I can't believe you all liked that.” She pointed a finger at Scott. “Say that again and you will give me diabetes. I just hope you know that.”
But we all knew she secretly liked the sodding friendship story Scott came up with.
“What's diabetes?” Scott said, bushy eyebrows creasing.
“How about you, Amira?” Oz piped up, and all eyes were suddenly on me. “You haven't said what you would do.”
I mulled it over for a bit, but then spoke up without there being much mental contest.
“Probably make you all listen to the new Rex Orange County playlist,” I said, and Vicky and Damien sniggered.
“You're so predictable,” Vicky giggled.
“What can I say?” I shrug, breaking into a smile too. “My reputation precedes me.”
We all sit there in contented silence for a bit, just enjoying and treasuring one another.
“There's just one problem,” I said, drawing everyone's attention again. “How would we plan to do all of what we all want to do in fifteen minutes? Seems impossible.”
Brian started to smirk, and then Miranda started to smile, and soon Polly was also grinning.
“We’d figure it out,” Brian said. “I bet we would. We've already done so many impossible things in our weirdass lifetimes.”
I shared a smile with him.
“Yeah,” I said finally. “Fifteen minutes is nothing for us.”
#monster prom#mike krol#fifteen minutes#just a lil somthing i whipped up#oneshot#damien lavey#miranda vanderbilt#polly geist#scott howl#oz#oz monster prom#liam de lioncourt#vera oberlin#brian yu#vicky schmdit#amira rashid#calculester hewlett packard#second term
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Grace & Janis
Grace: Did you even tell anyone you were staying out?? 🤔🤔 Janis: Did YOU warn the fam you were inviting the devil inside? 🤔🤔 Grace: Rude! Grace: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the barista's bed Grace: OMG is he that bad? How shaming Janis: Wouldn't you all love to know Grace: Like you would anyway, you don't have anything to compare him too Janis: Again, you wish you knew Janis: but yes, I text them Janis: that it? Grace: Oh honey, we ALL knew you were a virgin Grace: Did he? Grace: Before you made it obvious, I mean Grace: You should have come home first, me & the girls could have helped you out Janis: It's cute Janis: all the things you THINK you know Janis: yeah, that'd be fun Janis: Mia must've dropped the invite on her way out Janis: with the story, likw Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: girl please Grace: Mia'll get over it Grace: Unlike ME! You could've told me! Janis: Get over herself? Janis: Unlikely Janis: Told you what? Grace: OMG how hungover are you!? Don't be dense Grace: THE GOSSIP obvs Grace: I have to hear it from Mia Grace: so UNACCEPTABLE Janis: It's gossip 'cos she made it Janis: as if I had a chance to tell you or anyone, even if I wanted, when she went live with it Grace: There's always time to give me the real story Grace: You've got a phone Grace: Look how quick you answered this morning 🙄 Janis: 'Cos I thought you might have some real concern Janis: shoulda known better Grace: I AM concerned bitch Grace: you could be in a ditch Janis: Yeah, new boy's a serial killer Janis: this ain't the CW Grace: I didn't even know you were with HIM, did I? Grace: You never tell me anything Janis: Now who's being dense Janis: 1+1=2 Grace: Excuse me for having a nun for a sister Grace: Usually Janis: Again Janis: get a clue Grace: OMG Grace: I'm trying Janis: Bless 💕 Grace: Are you coming home TODAY? Janis: Are the coven gone Grace: I wouldn't bother asking if they hadn't Grace: I'm not stupid Janis: Probably then Janis: I got stuff to do Grace: One of them better be 🚿 Grace: Whelan's is soooooooo gross Janis: Not like you've ever got inside to know Grace: It's not like I want to Grace: like I said, ew Janis: Not with that baby face 😂 Grace: Shut up Janis: Like I said, bless Grace: I hate you so much Grace: This is what I get for being nice Janis: Nice Janis: Where? Grace: This WHOLE convo Grace: From the moment I checked you were still alive Grace: & I defended you last night GOD KNOWS why Janis: Shouldn't have to Janis: if your friends weren't cunts you wouldn't be in such a mood Grace: You're the only one being a bitch to me, Janis Grace: Newsflash Janis: Nah Janis: I'd have to be interested for that Grace: Yeah we KNOW you're only into barista boy Janis: Why would I be interested in anything you're doing Janis: it's them with the fucked priorities for giving a shit Grace: OMG get over yourself Grace: getting one boy to sleep with you doesn't make you God's gift Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: Like I told you before, he'll get bored Janis: You first Janis: Like I told you before, get a hobby Janis: pass it on Grace: Whatever Grace: Don't come crying to me when he realises how much of a bitch you are Janis: 😰 Janis: Don't come to me when you grow a backbone and/or personality of your own Janis: still won't be interested Grace: I already have both thanks Janis: 👌 Grace: 👋 Janis: Cute 😂 Grace: At least one of us is Janis: Sick burn Janis: If only someone that weren't Mia thought so, eh babe? Janis: Sad times 💔 Grace: Take your own advice and get a clue Janis: 😂 #exposed Janis: get some self-esteem Grace: You need it more Grace: Letting that boy use you like this....tragic Janis: I'm God's gift, remember Janis: Can't have it both ways baby Grace: I said you think you are Grace: Not that he does Janis: SELF-esteem, Gracie Janis: not 'this boy would chuck it up me from behind' esteem Janis: poor thing Grace: Faking having it doesn't mean you really do, hun Grace: We can all flex on the snap Grace: You're honestly so embarrassing Janis: I don't need facetune to flex Janis: no filters gonna fix all...that 💋 Grace: You DO need it, you just don't USE it Janis: Nah, I don't though Janis: tragedy Grace: Sure Jan Grace: Keep telling yourself that, babes Janis: You keep telling yourself Janis: can't talk someone into feeling as bad as you do Janis: let your bestie in on the secret and maybe you'll both stop being such poisonous little trolls 💕 Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: You wish Grace: Can't be bullied without a bully, but you're not that important to Mia 💔 Janis: Oh no Janis: not queen Mia Janis: suck her dick a lil better and she might love you back Janis: story of your life though, that 🤷 Grace: You're actually disgusting Grace: Save it for your boyfriend, I'm sure it makes him really 😍😍😍 Janis: Yeah, and I'm the Nun Janis: the swings and roundabouts you have to go on to make me the bad guy Janis: no wonder you're braindead 😵 Grace: Yeah sure 🙄 Grace: I don't have to say things to cover up the fact I don't know what I'm doing Grace: You sound 12 Janis: Lie of the year goes to Janis: that's all that comes out your mouth Janis: fuck what's going in it 😂 Janis: I'm glad I don't like you, it'd be exhausting having to pity you as hard as is needed Grace: Again, you wish Grace: You tell me to get a hobby, you make the same 'argument' over and over again Janis: it ain't an argument Janis: irrefutable facts Janis: don't like it, change it up Janis: we all got bored a long time ago Grace: Exactly, it isn't, it's you trying to throw shade TERRIBLY Grace: You don't know a single fact about me, babe Grace: Clearly you don't like THAT if you have to keep pretending you do Grace: Hm? Sounds like me with his convo Grace: Don't you have a boy getting bored rn? You might wanna focus on that Janis: Nothing to know Janis: Shadow of a shadow Janis: Literally how are you the blandest granola ass bitch outta the lot and they're all white as hell Janis: not even earning them mixed points, it's a real talent how uninteresting you are, truly Janis: tutorial on that, please Grace: 😂😂😂😂 Grace: But you're STILL talking to me instead of him Grace: What's the matter? Not everything you hoped it'd be? So sad Janis: I got more than one braincell Janis: can talk about put mascara on Janis: though the memes of you failing in your last vid have been amusing, tah for that Grace: You should try doing it Grace: Obvs you need more that mascara but every little helps Janis: Not with a face like that Janis: but you know, more is more and it almost constitutes a mask at this point Grace: 👏👏👏 Janis: There you go, now when you cry like a little bitch about it, you've got reason beyond your victim complex Janis: welcome ✌ Grace: MINE? You're the one who thinks that we're so invested in your little love story that we're all out for sabotage Grace: Please Janis: You know you can see when people watch your stories, yeah? Janis: she was like, the first view Janis: so much for not being important, don't worry, I won't steal your girl Grace: She's mad 'cause you outshined her coffee date moment Grace: Like I said, she'll get over it Janis: Should stop making herself vom Janis: wreaks havoc on your natural glow, but that's neither here nor there Grace: And she's the evil one Grace: That's not funny or true Janis: Cry me a river Janis: not gonna if she kills herself making herself look even worse than her personality Grace: OMG STOP Grace: You're as bad as she is Grace: Obsessed with each other 🙄 Grace: Get a room or something Janis: Awh, wanna be BFFs then?! Janis: 😏 Grace: Shut up Grace: I'd rather be the one who dies Janis: Didn't think so Grace: The first thing you've got right this whole time Grace: Well done, babes Janis: I ain't the one in remedials with the rest of the thickos Grace: Stop calling me stupid Janis: Any time you fancy stopping Janis: be my guest Grace: And what? Be more like you? 😂 Janis: You wish Janis: Be less braindead, would be a start Grace: YOU wish Grace: Caring about what I look like doesn't make me braindead Grace: It makes you a judgey bitch Janis: Yeah, that's the issue Janis: look like Sephora threw up on your face all you want Janis: at least be a person with it, not a painted fuckdoll Grace: So sorry I can't get top marks in maths or whatever OMG Janis: 🔬 Grace: I don't even know what you're talking about now Janis: Just trying to find your last surviving braincell Grace: Find it with the last place you cared about anything Janis: 🔭 Janis: Nope Janis: no signs of life Janis: soz Grace: So glad I could make you feel better about your crap shag by insulting me Grace: But I'm the idiot 👌 Janis: Awh, don't do yourself down Janis: never let it be said you don't have your uses Grace: I'm not here to be used by you, hun Grace: Deal with that Janis: Just a cumdump and Mia's personal bitch Janis: coolio 👍 Grace: Says you Grace: You've known that boy for like a day Grace: & Mia's more concerned with you right now, like I said Janis: 😱 Janis: Are you SLUT SHAMING me Janis: dundundun Janis: know you're 💔 but babes, girl code Grace: I'm stating a fact Grace: You think you're better than me, you aren't Janis: You think I am Janis: I just don't disagree, that's all Grace: I think you're the worst person this family has so far produced Grace: But whatever you need to tell yourself Janis: A dagger through my heart Janis: good thing you've got no place then init Grace: Yeah Grace: Bad enough I have to have the same last name as you all Janis: Marry the first boring white boy who will settle for you and no one ever need know Grace: And follow in your footsteps? No thanks Janis: You couldn't fill these shoes, figuratively and literally Grace: I don't want to Grace: You dress worse than your boyfriend Grace: At least he gets paid to look like that some of the time Janis: as much as I'd LOVE to look like topshop's sale rack Janis: you rinse 'em every time, what's a girl to do Grace: Obvs Grace: It's all my fault you look a state Janis: I don't, so don't trouble yourself Grace: You do, but I won't Janis: Mia don't seem to think so 😘 Grace: She hates you, that's her obsession Grace: Keep looking like that, it fuels her Janis: What, the body she's actually killing herself for? Janis: Will do and it's so effortless Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: I'm the one who needs a hobby and is soooo uninteresting but you keep talking about Mia cos that's really not Grace: Go into her inbox, please Janis: Like I said, get a personality and we might stand a chance Janis: surgically remove yourself or are you less of a Siamese and more parasite? Grace: Sure, I'll turn myself into her so you can be obsessed with me Grace: You two are ridiculous Janis: 😂😂 Janis: Oh honey Janis: you clearly can't, been trying for years Grace: You wish Grace: Does your boyfriend know you're in love with my best friend? Grace: You might wanna share before he catches feelings Janis: Do you know your best friend kinda hates you? Janis: 😬 too late for you, awkies Grace: Rn the feeling is mutual Grace: Get over it Jan-Jan Janis: 💔 Janis: You'll get over it Janis: well, she'll walk over you, doormat Grace: Like you care Grace: either way Janis: What's the point Janis: You're never going to Grace: I care bitch Janis: You're never going to stand up to her Janis: Why should I be waiting on it with baited breath Grace: You've never waited on me Grace: Don't act like it's Mia's fault Janis: It ain't, it's yours Janis: she's a decent scapegoat though Grace: Again, you wish Grace: Nothing's all my fault, sorry about it Janis: Trust, no part of me wishes for you as my sister Janis: especially what you've become Grace: That makes two of us Janis: You said Janis: with all the care and concern you're claiming Grace: I do care, I just wish I didn't Grace: and that you weren't my sister Janis: Get over it Grace: You can try and tell me what to do as much as you like Grace: Not gonna happen Janis: I know, you're hopelessly pathetic Janis: like I said, no baited breath here Grace: Me? Oh babes Grace: Like I said, tragic Janis: Yeah, you Grace: 😂 Janis: 😥
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A Toxic Exchange
The hardest part of writing this has been trying to figure out what led me to the third (and the worst) language exchange I've ever had.
When did it start to take a turn for the worse? How much of it was my fault? How much of it was them? When should I have ended it? Why did I allow it to get to that point?
And in all honesty, there is no absolute right or wrong here. There is no villain in this story, although had you asked me a few months back I definitely would have said otherwise.
"They were crazy!" "Something was wrong with them!" "I just couldn't deal with it anymore."
And ultimately, my desire to try to help someone who was dealing with something internally is why I ended up putting myself through a lot of mental stress and anxiety. I kept telling myself, "This person needs my help. I should just be more patient."
But now that I think it about very carefully, there were some issues that became very apparent in the beginning of our language exchange. Things that I know rubbed me the wrong way.
And I ignored them because "maybe it's a cultural misunderstanding," "maybe both of our levels are too low and we misinterpret things" "maybe they're having a bad day," "maybe I'm having a bad day," etc., etc., etc.
They complained a lot. They had every excuse for why they couldn't do something. They were discouraging and messaged me so frequently that it began to get on my nerves.
I couldn't just ignore them because when I did they would come off as cold or get upset. So I felt pressured to have to respond to them every time.
They were culturally ignorant, which is funny because after pointing that out in the beginning, it used as an excuse in the end.
I allowed them to have too much access to me outside of the app we were using, so I began to feel bothered by this person on a regular basis. We had disagreements on a regular basis and I began to despise ever interacting with them.
I started asking myself why it was that I always felt like I had to apologize. Why did I always feel like I was on the defensive with this person. It started feeling more like a competition to prove who knew more, "I'm right, you're wrong," and who was smarter than who rather than a simple exchanging of language and culture.
I was reaching my breaking point, and yet, I felt like I just needed to be more understanding.
What I needed was to recognize this person was set in their ways. They were not going to change. They don't even see that they have a problem.
As time went on, they eventually revealed they had lost exchange partners in the past (probably for all the same things I was dealing with.)
The final straw: they hit me up on WhatsApp (this person wrote me almost every day. Either on WhatsApp, Twitter, or the language app,) and I finally decided to just tell them I needed space.
This led to ANOTHER blow after we just had a argument a few days prior...
And that was when I had enough...
And it got ugly after that...spilling back onto the app where all this mess originally began. I started to go back and forth, but decided to let them have the last word instead.
It just wasn't worth it...
What angered me most was that they didn't want to take responsibility for anything. This person walked away thinking I was the problem... in actuality they were partly to blame.
I say partly because I knew I should've walked away sooner. Instead I kept engaging with a person I didn't like, draining all my energy and patience for FOUR MONTHS...
...because I wanted to be a nice person. Nice people help others. Nice people are patient, kind, and empathetic.
Yes... They were afraid, as are most beginners. In some ways, they reminded me of myself...
But they were also full of it. And until a person is ready to take that step forward and challenge themselves, you'll never be able to help them. They will always tell you why they can't practice, why they can't find other people to talk to, why they can't study...
The list goes on and on.
So I'm writing this to encourage someone else to walk away. Walk away from toxic people who bring you stress in your life, who steal your joy, who cause you to have anxiety.
I've had to drop toxic friends, toxic family members, jobs...
And now I'm realizing that it's the same in the language community as well.
You are not obligated to devote your time, your resources, your LIFE to anyone. You do not have to respond to every message or accept every request you receive.
Do I feel like a jerk sometimes when I leave those 1 word messages in my inbox or ignore requests? Yeah, I do because I myself know how it feels to be ignored. To scream at the top of your lungs and still be muted.
So I know and understand the feeling quite well.
But my peace of mind is more important. My mental health is more important. My joy and happiness is more important.
And so is yours.
So if you have found yourself in a situation where you fight with your language partner more than you get along, or if they constantly have an excuse for their poor and/or offensive behavior, RUN.
You may have committed to help them, but you do not have to commit to an unhealthy and stressful situation.
I've learned to set boundaries and I'm taking time to figure out what I want in a language exchange. To not compromise for anyone and to get out of there at the first sign of trouble.
Don't. Ignore. Red. Flags.
When I finally dropped that language partner, the next day my body felt super relaxed. As though I had been carrying a huge weight while running for days on end. I spotted a few more silvers in my hair. It was quiet and no one was messaging me. I was at home all to myself.
And you know what? It was first time I felt at peace in months and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Just remember: it's okay to say no. And when you say it, MEAN IT.
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