#and is just wallowing in it and gets the impulse to harm | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weepylucifer · 4 months

Note

24. "You're trembling." steban/ulixes

The whole mess starts like this: one afternoon, Ulixes doesn't turn up to the reading group meeting.

His absence is a stark confrontation with the fact of how alone Steban is. Thus far, as long as at least Ulixes was still coming to the meetings regular as clockwork, Steban could go on with business as usual and put off reckoning with how solipsistic his little pretense at a revolutionary cell has become. Pretend like any educating of anyone in matters of radical theory was still being done here... like other members could walk in at any moment and give the whole thing a purpose again. Now, with Ulixes absent, Steban sits and waits and drinks too much coffee and feels, though he tries to ignore it, a bit like an idiot with his metaphorical dick in his hand.

He considers his options: he could go out and try to recruit again, he could go to bed and have a depressive episode, he could do serious self-critique about where the reading group went astray and why, he could wallow in his misery about driving his friends away with leftist infighting. He could disband the reading group. He could steal Cindy's pyrholidon and get high. He could go to Uli's apartment and start a huge fight about his perceived betrayal. He could get high, go to Uli's apartment, and have a sobbing breakdown about how Uli is his only friend and Uli's absence would destroy his life.

All those destructive impulses are eventually pushed aside, and Steban decides he will go to Uli's apartment, to check if there's something wrong with him. Uli has never missed a meeting before. Maybe it's not betrayal yet. Maybe there's something he needs...

When he, an hour later, knocks on Uli's door, Ulixes opens looking perturbed and disheveled, but at least he doesn't seem sick or hurt.

"Hi," Steban says. "You--"

"Oh no. The meeting..." Ulixes looks so caught out and almost frightened that whatever was left of Steban's sense of betrayal immediately evaporates. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to miss it, I've been out all day and... I only just came back here, you have to believe me..."

Steban raises a hand. He doesn't like seeing his friend so anxious. "It's alright. What's going on?"

Ulixes suddenly slumps against the doorframe, his skinny form bending like a defeated reed. "It's Comrade Reading, he's... gone missing."

Ah, yes, Required Reading. Uli's new kitten. Uli's new kitten that Steban is all support for, because Uli having a gentle, non-violence-related hobby must be encouraged... as long as the cat doesn't come close enough to Steban to shed hair on him.

Steban likes houseplants. They're his preferred way of existing alongside nature as a communist should. They're pretty, quiet, predictable, and can be raised according to a manual. They don't yell at him in the middle of the night, or scratch him, or bite him, or break his things, or shit in a box he has to clean, or mess up his cleanly, tidy, pleasant little apartment. Besides, something about this particular cat is... strange. It meows and purrs and cuddles and plays and whatever else the things do, but there's something Steban can't put his finger on that is... weird. The less he sees of it, the better.

Still, if Uli wants a cat, a cat he shall have. If Uli wants to spend every moment of his free time with a cat and not his human best friend who can actually carry a conversation and doesn't smell like litterbox, well... so be it. Who is Steban to question his tastes?

"I opened the door briefly to get the mail and he darted out past me," Ulixes is saying. "I've been looking for him all day."

"Oh," Steban says, then makes an effort to imbue his voice with more sympathy, "I mean... oh."

Now, he expects, is when Uli is going to channel his concern for his pet into rage, the way he usually does, and vow some vague idea of vengeance onto the universe for making this happen to him. Now he'll say something over the top like swearing to murder whoever should dare harm or withhold his cat from him in several grisly and overly specific ways that will leave Steban a mixture of nauseated and fondly exasperated, because it's clear that while Ulixes dreams (in graphic detail) of violence, he has never actually experienced it up close, and these fantasies are just how he copes, and...

"This is all my fault," Ulixes whispers, and Steban is shocked to see his eyes beneath his glasses growing damp, "I'm so bad at this, and now I messed it all up."

He sits down on his desk chair and buries his head in his hands. "Why did I ever think I could take care of something? He could die out there, and it's my fault."

There's nothing for it. Steban's still not exactly fond of the cat, but... seeing Ulixes this quietly devastated turns the world inside out. Steban thinks, I need you like I need my limbs and blood and beating heart, and puts his hand on Uli's shoulder. "We'll look for him together."

----

They make missing posters and print them on campus, and Steban volunteers to help put them up around Uli's neighborhood. They spend the rest of the day looking for Required Reading, even when it gets dark, even when it starts to rain. Eventually, Steban makes Uli take a break. Ulixes resists it, but at some point, he does have to sleep. Steban stays with him as their rain-soaked clothes dry over the heater, and softly reassures him as he drifts into an uneasy sleep.

Two days go by. The rain doesn't let up. Ulixes keeps searching for Required Reading, and Steban supports him, though privately he's beginning to lose hope for the whole endeavor. Revachol is gigantic, and there are myriads of ways for a very small cat to vanish in it. And of course Steban is sad for Uli's sake, because Uli really loved - loves - that cat, and taking care of something small and vulnerable has revealed a new side of him, one that Steban finds intriguing. But... a part of him, a part he tries to ignore because he's not quite comfortable with having it in him to think so lowly, is... not too bothered by the prospect of things going back to how they were before Required Reading appeared. Back when he- when the reading group had Uli's undivided attention. When Uli was focused on him the cause. When Uli would look at him with adoring eyes and--

Stop, Steban tells himself. That's a scummy way to think, and wholly inappropriate when it comes to your comrade. Of course you want him to get his cat back.

He should interrogate that entire train of thought, practice self-critique and remind himself of the incompatibility of Mazovian thought with such... greedy possessiveness. But he's not ready to examine himself in this instance, so he pushes it all down and out of sight.

It's ironic then that, on the third day, Steban finds the cat first.

He's on his way to Uli's apartment. It's still raining and he doesn't have an umbrella, so he's steadily getting soaked through. All he really wants is to get out of the weather. Still, he pauses when he hears, from across the deserted square, a tiny cry, like a baby, or a...

...kitten.

They've pinned one of the missing-cat-posters to a lamppost on the sidewalk here three days ago. Now, under the lamppost, crouched under a soggy, discarded newspaper that offers only scant protection from the elements, there he is, meowing plaintively for help: Required Reading. His fur is plastered to his body with rainwater, but it is him.

(It would be so easy for a passerby to recognize that this is the cat on the poster. Almost as if he sat himself down here on purpose... but surely that's impossible. Cats can't read, or recognize themselves on pictures.)

(Weird.)

Steban shakes his head. It's probably just a coincidence. He'd better scoop the cat up before he runs away, hope he doesn't get his arms scratched up, and bring the little thing home to Uli. Cautiously, he steps closer.

Sigh. Here goes nothing...

Suddenly, he hesitates. A thought unfolds...

Maybe he could just... keep walking. Pretend he didn't see. Ulixes would never know. He'd be sad for a while, but eventually he'd recover, and then they'd spend time in their meetings again like they used to... no more cat hair on his clothes, no more mess, no more having to feign interest in an animal he honestly finds a bit off-putting... and Uli's attention would not waver again, and Steban would never have to ask himself what he even is without Ulixes.

He stands in silence while the rain beats down.

Required Reading has stopped crying. He's seen Steban and, doubtlessly, recognized him. He doesn't scamper up to him like Steban supposed he might. He simply looks at Steban with eyes that seem way too intelligent, and in this moment Steban is convinced that somehow the cat knows what he's thinking. Knows that Steban is considering abandoning him here.

Weird!

Or maybe that's just his conscience?

"This is nonsense," Steban mutters to himself. Of course he's going to bring the cat back to Uli. Because that's the right thing to do, and it'll take the anguish off of Uli's mind, and surely Uli will be so relieved and thankful. Steban can just picture it: his normally reserved friend smiling and hugging Required Reading close to him, and maybe then he'll set the cat down and hug Steban, too, and express his gratitude and regard for how Steban went above and beyond for him... maybe there'd even be a kiss on the cheek in it for him...

But no. Why would there be? Steban is used to kisses from his family members as casual displays of affection, that is just their way, but if Ulixes did that... if Ulixes kissed him on the cheek, it would be different, it would mean something.

Despite the rain, he blushes. What is this thought? What is he considering here? And anyway, he's not supposed to do things because he expects a reward. Again, what an inappropriate thought to have, about a comrade no less. He can't just stand here getting lost in... whatever this is. There's a task to do.

Slowly, carefully, telegraping his movements, he crouches down and reaches for Required Reading. By some miracle, the cat doesn't spook. He lets Steban scoop him up, his small, shivering body almost eclipsed completely by Steban's slender hands.

"Aww, pobrecito," Steban murmurs, dutifully, because that seems like the sort of thing one says. "You're trembling... come here, let's get you home."

"Mrreeep," Required Reading says, huddling closer to Steban's body heat.

Steban tucks him underneath his jacket and continues on his way. It's still pouring down upon him, and the cat sneezes into his armpit, but he barely notices, his head swimming with thoughts of what awaits him: the warm and dry apartment, maybe some hot coffee, the opportunity to bring Ulixes a wonderful surprise, the dread and self-recriminations leaving his comrade's face and being replaced with joy, the feel of his body pressed against Steban's in an exuberant embrace, the gentle rasp of his beard against Steban's own stubble when the--

Hm.

As Required Reading, bundled up under his jacket, starts to purr, Steban begins his struggle to contend with the fact that, apart from everything else he's got going on already, he now apparently dreams of his comrade's kiss.

#answer'd #three people in total requested this prompt. and i will do it thrice!!!#disco elysium #steban the student communist #ulixes #required reading (the cat)#i stayed up until 6am to write this please clap #writings by me

36 notes · View notes

jacksdinonuggets · 6 months

Text

Bad thoughts and Good fathers

Amity is having a bad depressive episode and breaks down. Her dad is there to help though.

TW: self-harm, and implied suicide ideation

also, Alador is a good father no matter what season in this fic.

Another night of insomnia and suicidal thoughts passed and morning began for Amity. She was currently running on 3 hours of sleep and horrible impulses. What caused all this? Just Odalia taking away her antidepressant potions for not being good enough. Boscha also liked to manipulate her into thinking no one would love her, but she could usually handle that if she had her potions. So Amity laid down in her bed, staring at the ceiling, rethinking her life choices.

Eventually, she got up to take a shower because she couldn’t handle wallowing in her own filth for any longer. She got a towel and hung it up in the bathroom. However, after she was done cleaning herself, she realized how pathetic her body was. It looked like she had gained weight, which made her feel more upset. So, she did what she always did to get these feelings out. Screwing the blades off of a pencil sharpener and slicing them into her wrists (don’t ask why there’s a pencil sharpener or a screwdriver in her bathroom). Seeing the fresh blood drip from her wrists and onto her bathroom tile, made her worries and anxieties disappear. She felt more calm and collected after she was done.

After enough time of sulking in blood, Amity finally decided to get dressed and head back to her room. She laid back down on her bed, staring at the ceiling again.

“No one loves you,” the voice in her head said.

“Luz will never love you,” it continued.

“You left your only friends and now your new friends will leave you,” Amity pressed her hands to her ears, trying to stop the voices and anxiety. She sat up and pressed her knees into her chest to calm herself down.

It was starting to get worse, the voices didn’t stop. So, she screamed. She wailed and bawled in agony. Life and living was just getting too much, she couldn’t express her feelings.

Not even a minute passed, and Alador ran into the room. He saw her curled up in her bed, rocking back and forth and crying. He took a deep breath, calming himself down before trying to help his daughter. He sat next to her on the bed, and placed a hand on her shoulder, seeing if she was okay with touch. She hadn’t flinched away, so he decided it was good to give her physical affection. Opening his arms, he wrapped Amity in a hug and began rocking with her.

“Shh, shhh, it’s okay, were your thoughts getting to you again?” he asked, gently. He knew how she struggled with anxiety and depressive thoughts. When Odalia took away her potions, he tried to fight her, but she had already locked the potions in a safe that only an oracle could open. He felt really bad and tried to help Amity without the medication.

“Mhm,” Amity whimpered, melting into her fathers embrace, calming down a bit.

“Everything’s okay. You are very loved by me and your siblings,” He assured her. Amity had now stopped wailing into his chest, and was now softly crying. As he patted her back, he noticed a few new scars on her wrists. He barely saw them because of how the hug was positioned.

“Oh, Mittens, did you do it again?” he questioned softly.

“M sorry,” she mumbled into his chest.

“Don’t be sorry, sweetie, How about we clean these up and i can help you cope with these mean thoughts when we’re done?” he offered. Amity nodded so he picked her up off the bed and helped her stand up on the floor. She held his hand as he led her to the bathroom to get the medkit.

“How about some Little time after this? I know you’ve been putting it off, but I think it could help,” he suggested.

“But what if my thoughts come back?! I don’t want them again…” she whimpered at his suggestion.

“Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll be here to scare away those unhappy feelings,” He set her down on the toilet seat before he opened the kit. As the alcohol swab touched her wound, she hissed and whimpered.

“Already feeling small?” Alador wondered out loud, noticing her reaction. Usually, she didn’t react much to these things. For example, when she needs to get shots, she barely winces. But this was a bit more reactive (i had to stop myself from making a periodic table joke. My science teacher is rubbing off on me).

“Slipping, i think…” she mumbled, unsure of what was going on. She felt kind of small but not fully there. Perhaps she was feeling 5-6. Not her usual age range, but she would probably slip smaller soon.

Once Alador was finished cleaning her wounds, he gave her one last hug before picking her up. If Amity was held like toddler, there was a very good chance she would slip easily. Too many times has Amity unintentionally slipped from being held by the abomaton, that Alador specifically needed to code the Abomaton to only hold her in positions like shes a feral cat to avoid any more incidents.

“Your mom has to work today and your siblings are out with friends, so it’ll just be you and me, Mittens,” He simplified, baby talking the last couple words, making her feel a bit giggly and happier. He carried her to the kitchen where he sat her down at the table.

“Wh-why we here?” she questioned nervously.

“For breakfast! You need to eat in order to grow big and strong. Although it's noon, we can still have num-nums!” He booped her nose

“Do you want a tray?” He asked, not knowing if she was feeling small enough to need a high chair without it being high. It was easy to make with abominations.

“Hmm, Otay!” Amity answered, swinging her legs under her seat.

Alador smiled sweetly, providing a comforting face for his daughter as he conjured up the abomination tray. Luckily, he created a certain mixture specifically for furniture items so the goo didn’t get anywhere.

He quickly made some oatmeal while trying to entertain his daughter. She could get very bored easily and he knew well. He was going to feed but she stopped him.

“Nu! I can do its!” She told him, grabbing the spoon to prove it. Unfortunately, she wasn’t very good at feeding herself and got almost everything on her face and even spilled some on her shirt. Alador chuckled a bit from Amity being adorable. Grabbing a napkin, he began to clean her face.

“Daddy! I can do it, d’ough,” she whined, wanting to prove how big she is.

“I know you can, sweetie, but you need a tinsy bit of help,” He compromised with her. She grumbled but let him help. After they were finished, he filled up her sippy with water, as he knew she often forgot to keep hydrated. He undid the abomination tray and took her out of the seat.

With his daughter and a filled sippy cup in his arms, he carried them both into the library and sat down with her on his lap. After handing her the bottle/cup, he grabbed a book to begin reading to her. He was glad he came up with an entire plan for when she was small, or else he’d have no clue what to do and how to entertain his little. Luckily, he was doing fine, and Amity had forgotten all about her bad thoughts and paid attention to the funny talking animals in the picture book.

#sfw agere #toh agere #sfw littlespace #little amity #the owl house age regression #the owl house agere #age regression #agere writing #agere fanfic #amity blight #safe agere #the owl house fanfiction

24 notes · View notes

patricide1885 · 1 month

Text

I'm starting to suspect that my guilt/shame might be fake/forced emotions.

So I have a big guilt and shame complex, right? And for a long time I had a vague sense that I felt those emotions because I'm "supposed to" feel those emotions and God or the secret entity behind the universe demands that of me, and it felt like if I didn't to some extent I wouldn't be metaphysically safe because I'd be a "bad" person/there is some other unknown reason I'm not smart enough to be aware of consciously. Or like I needed to feel bad in order to be forgiven. But it wasn't a fully formed thought and it felt overpoweringly irrational.

Today I snuck out of work early and usually I'd feel very guilty about that, and I did somewhat. But I'm also sleep deprived so I'm kind of tired, and wallowing in guilt, shame, and self hatred take mental energy to do. I still felt the impulse to feel guilty, but I was less inclined to give into it due to the sleepiness and the more recent unconscious realization that I don't actually have to ruminate and I can focus on the enternal world to shut down my default mode network through the activating of the central executive/dorsal attention network and that is becoming my go-to response.

It hit me that I do feel like I'm supposed to be guilty/feel shame. The reason being, that if I don't force myself to, I simply won't feel guilt or shame to begin with (or I can't trust myself to) due to my ADHD and the fact that I'll get distracted/I don't actually care in the first place.

You know those little ADHD kids where, say, they don't want to go to school, they have to go anyway, they unrelatedly have some kind of outburst that gets them suspended. That maybe wasn't intentional, but now, through their bad behavior, they only got what they wanted. So despite everyone wanting them to think their behavior was bad, they feel no guilt, in fact they are going to shamelessly do it again because it got them what they wanted and they don't value what people want them to value.

I started forcing myself to feel self hatred, shame, and guilt because I was terrified of being that kid. I knew it would lead to people not liking me and god not liking me, and that I'd go to hell. So even when I gave into my base impulses I would feel guilty and bad to remind myself that those things are bad and to seek forgiveness. Because I might just fall into not paying attention to the consequences, because in truth, the real life short/medium term consequences just didn't matter to me. And I'd be revealed to be an inherently bad person.

I could also harm others, because although I have empathy, if I didn't force myself to feel bad I would totally forget about it/the importance of the harm others are caused would be very transient/it wouldn't practically speaking matter the moment that person's lived experience was out of my mind.

And in general, I just couldn't trust myself to act like a human without these masochistic guard rails.

8 notes · View notes

moonflowerchanniesgirl · 2 years

Text

My Beautiful Choice

Pairing: idol chan x ex idol reader

Genre: angst, some fluff

Warning: break up, reconciliation, overthinking, anxiety, reader does not communicate, Changbin is that best friend that is frustrated and tries to fix things. Chan overthinks too

Summary: You ran away and were more miserable than ever but at least Chan would be happy. It never crossed your mind to think...what if he wasn’t?

Word Count: 2.3k

Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them.

Part 2 to My Beautiful Mistake

Really dug through my brain for this so I hope you guys enjoyed this. I honestly think this could be better but I wasn’t sure how.

Over and over again you hit the block buttons, over and over again you had to hold in your tears. 21 people relating to Stray Kids that you had grown close to over the years. You finally went to Bangchan’s contact on your phone and as you clicked block you felt your heart sink completely. You finally let the tears fall down your face as you collapsed onto the bed of the hotel room you rented for the next few days. You had your own apartment but it was pretty much almost empty since you had spent most of your time at Chan’s dorm. His twin-sized bed wasn’t the comfiest but you two always hugged each other tightly when you fell asleep. You also couldn’t risk getting found by Chan at your apartment so you decided to hide away in a hotel until you figured out what the next step was. Everything so far was both thought out but also such an impulse.

You knew that you had to run away from Chan to set him free but to be alone after being with him for so long, being with the boys and the team. It had been so long since you felt so small and on your own. Ever since you were kicked out of your previous company. Back then you didn’t meet up with Chan for seven days because you were a mess as you cried about losing your group and your dream at the time. When you finally messaged him to say that you wanted to see him, the two of you flew to each other and clutched each other tightly. The memory brought forth more tears as you mourned the loss of your relationship. It would at least make him happier, you thought. It would make him happier now that he didn’t have to keep his promise. You closed your eyes and hoped with all your heart that Chan would be happy now.

Weeks had passed and your heart still ached just the same as the night you left but you couldn’t afford to wallow in the sadness for the rest of your life. You had to get back to work and earn enough money to rent out your own studio now that you couldn’t record in Chan’s room anymore (a thought that brought another round of tears when you first realized it). You threw yourself into making music in hopes that if you worked enough, you could think less. That worked out well as long as you didn’t accidentally click any of the old tracks you had worked on with Chan (you couldn’t delete them, so you stored them all in a folder titled DONT OPEN). You managed to dodge all the job requests relating to JYP (deleting anything from a JYP email address without reading it) and it almost felt like you were reaching some sort of normalcy in your life again.

In hindsight, you should have known that you couldn’t completely run away because you choose to still work in the music industry. Sooner or later you would end up running into Chan or a member of Stray Kids again. Did you expect that to come in the form of Changbin and Chan sitting waiting for you in a studio at KQ entertainment? Not at all.

“Before you run out the door, we just came to talk and get some answers,” Changbin said as he raised both of his hands up to show that he meant no harm. Chan didn’t look at you and kept his head down. He looked so tiny and shrunk down in that oversized black hoodie and perhaps that's what kept you from running away, the fact that he didn’t look as happy as you thought he would. Changbin gestured toward the chair that was nearest to you and you sat down on the very edge, ready to get up and run at a moment’s notice. How far could you really run though? If Changbin or Chan wanted they could catch you before you would even make it to the stairway. You wondered if you should have left the music industry entirely but you knew that you wouldn’t have been able to do that. Music was the only thing keeping you afloat without Chan by your side. So you could only take a deep breath and look at Changbin in hopes of quickly getting through whatever it was they wanted to say to you because the more you saw of Chan the more you wanted to dive into his arms.

“Wooyoung?” You asked even though you already knew the answer. You didn’t personally know any of the Ateez members so you thought it would have been a safe job to take but you were clearly wrong.

“We were worried about you and didn’t know what else to do,” Changbin’s voice was colder than you had ever heard but you knew that you deserved it. You didn’t dare look at Chan directly so you stared into Changbin’s eyes and saw the hurt there.

“I’m sorry Bin- Changbin,” you almost reverted to how you usually called him but you knew that you no longer had the right.

“I’m not the only one you need to be apologizing to, everyone is so worried about you,” Changbin’s voice was cold and you heard the slight tremble. You didn’t know how to respond so you could only look away as you pretended that what he was saying didn’t affect you.

“I’m sorry.”

“We didn’t come here to hear you say sorry, I want to know how exactly the happiest couple I knew,” he pointed between you and Chan, “ended up like this”.

“Bin, we should-” Chan started to say and you could feel yourself tense up at just hearing his voice, oh how you missed it.

“No, you don’t get to try to wiggle out of this because I’m sick and tired of this, sick and tired of you crying alone in your room not telling us what the fuck happened.” You snapped your head over to see Chan shrink further into the chair. “And you!” Changbin pointed a finger directly at you, “I’m sick of not knowing if you’re even alive because you decided that you had to cut all of us out without explanation like we mean nothing to you. Like we aren’t your friends as well,” Changbin angrily wiped at his eyes while you did your best to hold yourself together.

“I’m sorry,” you said once again because that was the only thing you could think of.

“I don’t want to hear you say sorry, I want to know what exactly is going on-”

“It's my fault,” this time it was Chan that cut Changbin off and you both looked at him in shock. You noticed how much thinner his face had gotten and how deep the circles under his eyes had gotten.

“What are you talking about?” You asked confused about how on earth he thought any of this was his fault.

“I ruined everything and you have every right to leave I just had a hard time accepting it,” you saw the tears slide down Chan’s cheek and you jumped up in a panic.

“No Chan I told you in that letter that I didn’t want to chain you down anymore, you didn’t ruin anything, I was the one that ruined things by keeping you with me,” you blurted everything out through the tears that had started running down your own cheeks.

“I can’t believe this,” you both turned to Changbin who you had forgotten was still in the room. He stood up from his seat and pointed at it for you to sit in, “I’m going to leave so that you two can figure this out, don’t come out of this room until you’ve actually communicated,” he shook his head at the two of you as he walked out the room. The room was silent as you sat down in the chair that he just left. The tension felt like it was crushing you but you knew that you needed to make sure Chan understood that he was not at fault for anything.

“I didn’t leave because you ruined anything,” you started saying carefully, “I left because I realized that I needed to set you free.”

“What do you mean set me free?” He asked and you finally looked into his eyes. You saw the warm brown eyes that you love now filled with pain and confusion.

“You promised me that you would always be by my side,” you saw him nod at that, “and you never break a promise…even if it hurts you.” You choked out the last few words as you couldn’t hold back the sobs. “Even if I was hurting you.”

“But you never hurt me, I was the one that hurt you,” you felt Chan’s hand grab onto your own and you felt the warmth that you had missed.

“What do you mean? You’ve never hurt me.”

“You lost your dream because of me because you were dating me,” Chan said as he looked away from you.

“That wasn’t your fault.”

“Dating me took away your dream, you won your first bosang, you could have made your way to being a member of one of the top girl groups if it wasn’t because of me.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve been holding that against yourself this whole time?” You asked as suddenly the fact that he was watching your old fancam made so much more sense. “I told you I was happy working behind the scenes and I meant it, Chan, I’m happy as long as I can work in music. I’ve never once blamed you for being kicked from my group.” You wanted to pull him into a hug but you managed to hold yourself back by just giving his hand a light squeeze.

“What did you mean when you said you were hurting me?” Chan finally asked as he squeezed your hand back. Finally, it was your turn to talk about what you feared the most.

“Remember how we went drinking the night before I left?” You asked and you saw him nod. “Hyunjin asked if you thought we would get married someday, do you remember what you said?”

Chan seemed to think deeply before the look of realization crossed his face. “I said of course I promised I would always be by their side,” he whispered.

“I’ve seen yourself work half to death because of a promise, you’ve kept every promise even at the expense of yourself and I… I couldn’t be such an expense any longer.” You finally told him and you felt a weight lifted off your chest.

“No, no you were never an expense, you were one of the few things that kept me sane in my worst moments and you were my joy in my best moments,” Chan pulled you into a hug, and you were overwhelmed by the familiar yet distant feeling.

“But Chan, I want you to be happy and marry someone you love, and not marry me because you promised that you would stay by my side,” you tried to push him away but he didn’t budge as he tightened his arms around you.

“I felt like I didn’t deserve to say I love you,” he said and you stopped trying to push him.

“What?”

“I didn’t deserve to say I loved you because I took away what you loved but I was too selfish to let you go.” You felt his tears soak into your shoulder. You finally couldn’t hold back and wrapped your arms around his shaking frame.

“I love you Chan,” you said as you gently rubbed his back.

“I love you too. I want to hold you, to marry you, to grow old with you. I made that promise because I love you so much.”

The two of you held onto each other for dear life, both worried that the other would simply vanish in thin air if you were to let go. When you finally felt your own tears calm down you tried to gently push away but Chan let out a whimper and held you tighter.

“I want to look at you Channie,” you soothed him until he loosened his grip. You pulled back enough to look at his face, his eyes were red and there were still tears falling but he looked absolutely beautiful in your eyes. You reached your hand up to hold his face and he leaned into your touch with his eyes closed.

“We both get anxious, and overthink, but I promise that the next time I get too in my head, I’ll come to talk to you about it instead of running away, I’m so sorry Channie.” You pulled your head forward so that your foreheads were touching.

“We need to talk to each other better but we’re going to be okay you and me,” Chan said as he gave you the gentlest of kisses. In his arms, with his lips on yours, you knew there were a lot of things that the two of you needed to talk about, a lot of things you needed to make up for but no matter what you would always choose to be with Chan.

#chan #bangchan #bangchan fic #chan angst #skz angst #skz imagine #skz fanfiction #stray kids imagine #chan imagines #chan x reader #stray kids fic #stray kids fanfic #moonflower writings

165 notes · View notes

finniestoncrane · 11 months

Text

Your One True Nemesis

Chapter 21: also on AO3 Masterlist Here Arkham!Riddler x Female!Reader, word count: 1.4k it must be hard to be an absolutely stupid idiot genius who overreacts on impulse request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: angst, fighting, mean bad eddie

As you lay there wondering if you would ever be able to feel anything but suffering at the hands of Eddie, you reached for your phone. You were desperate for human contact, for something that felt like a positive among the overwhelming negatives. It was silly to reach out. But it was all you had.

“Hey. Sorry it’s been a while.”

For a blissful thirty seconds you were sure you’d done the right thing. And then the anxiety kicked in, trying to grab your phone so quickly to delete the message and undo what had already been done, sending the phone flying onto the floor where it sat before it buzzed.

He was always quick to get back.

“Hey babe! Long time. How are things going underground? x”

Holding your phone in your hand in a grip so tight it hurt, you flopped back down onto the bed. Mark didn’t seem too upset. He was at least being amicable, after everything that happened. To be honest, you hadn’t even expected a reply.

“It’s going ok! How are you?”

“I’m great baby! But don’t like to me. No way you’d be texting me if everything was good x”

His tone was so smug, and you were irritated for a moment before you remembered he was right.

“Ok maybe not all going so well, but it’s fine.”

“Uh huh sure thing babe. You know you can talk if you want to x”

You thought on it for a moment. It would be nice to vent to someone other than your pillow, to get a second opinion. Or not even a second opinion, just to have someone to tell you that Eddie was an asshole and you weren’t a bad person for thinking that in this moment. And who better than Mark, who already thought Eddie was an asshole before knowing much more about him.

Once you had decided you were going to be honest, it was hard not to be completely so.

“I don’t think any of this is going well. I want out. I need space. I think Eddie hates me, which is fine. But I don’t think I can live with someone who resents being around me every moment of every day. If I had a home, or someplace else to go. It’d be nice to just get away. Just for a little bit. Just so I could stop being so sad, y’know?”

When you realised you had been staring blankly at the screen for more than fifteen minutes, waiting on a reply you began to assume was never coming, you dropped your phone on the nightstand and rolled over in the bed. Evidently, that was a bit too much for Mark. It was wrong of you to lean on him so heavily, especially after the way things had ended between you the last time you saw him. If you thought about it too hard, you might begin to feel like you deserved to feel this isolation. All of your own decisions and mistakes had led you to this point. Who else were you going to blame?

You gave it another half hour of wallowing in self-pity before you decided you might need to eat something. Facing Eddie wouldn’t be the easiest thing, but you had to come out of there eventually. But you decided five more minutes couldn’t do any harm. Anything to avoid the awkwardness.

Your fears were unfounded though. Eddie wasn’t in the living space. He’d gone to the entrance, having been notified of a presence there. He’d assumed you had ordered food, maybe as something of an apology for walking off without saying anything to him.

Opening the large door, he came face to face with a familiar stranger who was empty handed.

“What?”

Eddie’s abrupt question was met with an outstretched hand.

“Uh… hi. I’m… Mark.”

The gears shifted quickly in Eddie’s head, and at the sudden realisation of who was before him, his face dropped even further than it’s natural grimace.

“I’m familiar.”

“Oh. We’ve never met, I just thought-”

“You think I depend on physical introductions to know all about someone?”

“Of course not, not you, the great Riddler.”

Realising his sarcasm wouldn’t get him what he wanted, Mark offered an apologetic smile.

“I’m looking for-”

“How did you know where to find me? How did Crane find out where I was?”

“It’s… not much of a secret. But listen, I’m looking-”

“I know what you’re looking for.”

“Well, can I come in and speak to her?”

Eddie stared Mark down, unblinking.

“No. Wait here.”

Turning without another word, Eddie began storming back to the living area. You’d obviously been in contact with him. Maybe you were in touch with him this whole time, making a fool of him, discussing him behind his back. And the minute that you got upset with him, you went running to this inferior imbecile, this henchman no less, for a quick, comforting thrill. If that’s how you were going to be, then that was perfectly fine by his account. He knew exactly how to deal with this level of insubordination and traitorous behaviour.

You jumped up at the sudden intrusion into your space by Eddie. He always knocked. Always. But he’d stormed in, throwing the door open so hard it slammed against the door and bounced back a little, stopped by the toe of his work boot as he stood with his fists clenching.

“What… the fuck?”

“You! You must have told everyone. Let out all of my secrets, my plans.”

“W-wh…what?”

“Was it some kind of rudimentary attempt at revenge? Because I didn’t want to satiate your frankly ridiculous desires for human contact?”

“Eddie!”

“Tell me, how else would he know how to get in past the main entrance?”

“I don’t know what-”

“Him, that henchman you were so fond of. Mark.”

“Mark? He’s here?”

“I should have known you’d be my ruin. This is what happens when idiots are given too much responsibility. I have to admit, this is the one time in my life I have felt foolish. Idiotic enough to let you too close to something you couldn’t begin to comprehend the seriousness of.”

“Oooh, hope I’m not interrupting.”

You looked past Eddie to the door frame where Mark was standing with an uncomfortable expression on his face.

“Mark, why are you here?”

“Because you said you wanted some space, some time away from here.”

Eddie turned his attention from Mark back to you, his gaze slowly returning to yours as he forced a smile on his face.

“Is that what you want? To get away?”

“Not like that, I just meant-”

“Then pack up. Pack up your things and perhaps this idiot” he jerked his thumb towards Mark “can offer you the sanctuary that I evidently wasn’t providing for you.”

“Eddie…”

He leaned into you, taking a few steps closer and lowering his head almost level to yours as you sat, cowering, on your bed.

“If you wanted to finish this, then you should have respected the privilege.”

Standing back, he made his way to the wall where he watched patiently as you gathered up your belongings. There was no use arguing with him. His temper had led to this overreaction, but your almost cruel ignorance of his emotions, and your inability to tolerate him for who he was, had certainly helped push him to this point.

You wished you hadn’t messaged Mark, but you were glad you had as he took one of the bags from you and slung it over his shoulder, walking you out, standing between you and Eddie as though he were worried that he might either make a move to grab you. Whether he was more worried about Eddie trying to hurt you or try to convince you to stay, you weren’t sure. His motives weren’t always that clear. But the feeling of abandonment was only compounded as he spoke to you when you were out in the cool air of the night.

“You can’t stay with me. But I know somewhere you can get a bed and some work at short notice.”

It sounded almost threatening, but you were grateful for it. You just hoped you could hold back the tears until you were alone, in whatever space you were allowed to stay in until you figured out what to do with your life.

#finnie writes #arkham riddler #arkham edward nigma #riddler x reader #arkhamverse riddler #the riddler #arkhamverse #riddler #the riddler imagine #riddler smut #the riddler fanfic #riddler fanfic #riddler x you #edward nigma x reader #edward nigma #arkham!riddler #the riddler fanfiction #arkham!verse #finnie yotn

51 notes · View notes

but-youarevast · 1 year

Text

I keep going thru this cycle of feeling capable of regulating my emotions - I’ll practice radical compassion and accept the ebbs and flows of life. Then something switches in my head and I go tunnel visioned into sadness and despair with no path back to myself or that place of radical acceptance.

My impulses are so strong and I get to a point where I search for any sort of distraction whether it’s alcohol, external validation, cumming, either by myself or with my partner. Or on my darkest days reverting to self-harming behaviors. Then I scare myself back into submission and find the peace and clarity I had before and handle myself with grace. It’s such a vicious cycle and I feel myself heading to the dark place in my mind and wanted to take the time to acknowledge the pattern. Maybe I’m bi-polar. Maybe it’s borderline personality, maybe I have another mental illness to add to the list. Who knows. I just don’t want to allow myself to wallow in the darkness especially if I’m able to acknowledge the lights beginning to dim. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, all I know is I need to keep the light on.

#me #personal #myself #hi

32 notes · View notes

guideoftime · 4 months

Text

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE CARRY EMOTIONS?

Rules : please repost, don’t reblog! Bold (usually) and italicize (occassionally or takes trust) what applies accordingly

ANGER

jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, vocalisations (growls, snarls, hisses etc) stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking head, curling lip upwards, baring teeth, tearing up, animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, tighter movements, passive aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts, pacing, going still, anger boils over in the heat of the moment but cools down quickly afterwards, anger brews slowly but lingers longer, will act out of impulse when angry, will stew on their anger and plot revenge, holds grudges, forgives easily, forgives but never forgets

JOY

Easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing, looks down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS

crying, bottling it up, seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, swallowing thickly, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME:

Blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, running hand through hair, clearing throat, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks, lets it go, self deprecating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT

avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures for forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex, over-active guilt complex, healthy conscience, internalizes even after forgiveness, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, shuts off empathy to cope, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR/ANXIETY

Trembling, crying, sarcasm/sass to cope, humour to cope, rambles, goes quiet, goes nonverbal, gets angry, fidgeting, freezes up, impatience, clenching jaw, picking at nails, chewing at lip, pulling at clothes, adjusting jewelry/clothing/hair, pacing, swallowing thickly, eyes widening, over-reacts, under-reacts, calm, logical, panic, irrational, overthinks, carefully analyzes, talks to themselves, breathing exercises, flight, fight, withdraw, fawn.

Tagged: Stolen. Tagging: Just say I tagged you!

#▴ — the shade / facts.

2 notes · View notes

theheadoforpheus · 1 year

Text

There’s a part of me that hesitates to write anything about the rejection here at all. Oftentimes when I’ve tried to reach out to my support system to talk about it, they’ve told me that they don’t want to hear it. My mom in particular: whenever I tried to talk to her about P, she either immediately passed negative judgement on how she felt about the situation - “oh, i never liked him” (and not realizing that would make me feel embarrassed for still liking him anyway) - or told me something along the lines of “well, you know what you have to do, don’t expect sympathy from me about this if you won’t actually do it”. I think I inherited some of that attitude myself, to be honest - I sometimes feel it for myself and for my friends. And I feel that lack of compassion from other friends sometimes, too. (That impulse in my mom comes from an obvious family trauma, so I have some empathy for her - but it doesn’t make it any easier for me in the moment when she says those things.)

So, I don’t talk about it. My mom also told me when I was a kid that the *only* way you could guarantee that no one would ever find out a secret about you (a crush, for instance) was to not tell anybody. There is so much that I censor myself from saying, for one reason or another, all the time. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I want to manipulate people into not abandoning me, or doing things I need. I don’t want to be a burden or an embarrassment to anybody - this is the one that hurts the most. When I think about wanting to disappear in that context, it takes on a new meaning; I can’t have needs, and therefore can’t be a burden or seen or felt at all, if I don’t exist. I’ll just see myself out.

A has told me before that I wallow (again triggering that sense of shame for talking about it at all, and giving me more reason to keep a lid on it in the future). But, I can’t figure out how to move on from these things. Why do I linger on them so much? Even after 15 years and several more betrayals by him, there’s a part of me that still isn’t over P and still holds onto the hurt and unfairness of it. It feels like A is accusing me of a guilty pleasure, like there must be a part of me that enjoys wallowing if I do it so much, that I should just get over myself and stop. But what is there to enjoy about it? Anyway. Is he right? I worry.

But I want to talk about it. Maybe it’s the only way through to the other side of the feelings. I am so resentful of people for whom that comes easily, who aren’t so afraid of saying something wrong/bad/harmful that they self-censor.

7 notes · View notes

vastayan--vigilante · 1 year

Text

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE CARRY EMOTIONS?

Rules : please repost, don’t reblog! Bold and italicize what applies accordingly

ANGER

JOY

SADNESS

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME:

GUILT

FEAR/ANXIETY

Tagging: @just--a--jinx @independentzaun @legendscried @sxlemnity

#behind the mask (musings & inspo)#bold what applies #rp meme #scar arcane rp

5 notes · View notes

corruptedsilence · 2 years

Text

How could she not have noticed it before? Was she really that blind? To not see what he had done? Is that why she had been gone? Missi had noticed Lilly’s absence but she had thought the other simply needed to do something with work, never would she demand to know where the other chose to go or how she used her time.. . but to think this of all things is what happened?

Words flooded her mind of how Duke had spoken about his lover, his pet. That she could do nothing to him and she respected it like the fool she was. Even as the man purposefully aggravated her and continued to push his limits with her Missi did nothing out of respect. Had she not kept her own partner in line? Yes, there was one time Lilly had risked Duke’s life but it was physically impossible for her to truly harm him and even then Missi made sure she learned her lesson.

Even going so far as to do more than the Duke wished just to ensure this wouldn’t happen again. Yet he allowed his pet to remain untouched, unburdened by anything, and allowed him to continue making a mockery of her. How dare he? She hisses to herself.

By now the rage was overwhelming. The fire in her mind burning through her body and forcing her to act. On impulse she would destroy anything she could find. Her only saving grace is she was in her room, so everything she touched was only her own possessions. On the other hand nothing was left untouched. Loud crashes, breaking of objects, even the smell of something burning came from her room followed by angry screams and wallows of sorrow. How could he do that? Claim what is hers. Chastise her for wanting to put his pet in it’s place yet freely takes her own partners. And like always, she was told nothing. Why would it ever be different? Why would she expect anything to change?

By the time she had finished there were tears streaming from her eye, the floor was burned, carpet still having embers burning on the edges of it. Bed completely in tatters, ripped and broken apart. Dresser and every piece of clothing shredded. Even the books she kept in her room weren’t left untouched. Some were ripped apart by the seam, a few looked to burn, and there were various ashes left on the floor.

Missi sobbed. Clinging tightly to the cane as she tried to wrap her head around it all but her emotions were getting the better of her, they all became too much for her. What could she do now? Would he leave her now and take everything? What did this mean? Not only did he insist on making Lilly his thrall behind her back, now he marks her as well, what would be next? The confusion only made her headache worse and she needed time to think, time to do something, anything than sit here and be near anyone in this cursed castle.

So she walks over to the balcony from her room, opening the doors and stepping into the cold night air. Transforming into her bat form she would fly off into the woods to try and get her mind off of it or clear it in a place that wasn’t going to remind her constantly of what had happened and what she did.

#Delicious Knowledge // IC #Dxrkside Royalty #TheMelleniaSisters #ManBehindTheSlaughters

3 notes · View notes

gauntlets-shot · 1 year

Text

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE CARRY EMOTIONS?

Rules : please repost, don’t reblog! Bold and italicize what applies accordingly

===========================================================

ANGER

jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, vocalisations (growls, snarls, hisses etc), stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking head, curling lip upwards, baring teeth, tearing up (when she was younger), animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, tighter movements, passive aggressive, direct, physical outbursts (if i could bold this more, I would lmao), verbal outbursts, pacing, going still, anger boils over in the heat of the moment but cools down quickly afterwards, anger brews slowly but lingers longer, will act out of impulse when angry (!!!), will stew on their anger and plot revenge (mostly if you mess with someone she loves), holds grudges, forgives easily, forgives but never forgets

JOY

Easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing (probably just Caitlyn with a hand on her arm), looks down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS

crying, bottling it up (!!!), seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, swallowing thickly, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME:

GUILT

FEAR/ANXIETY

===========================================================

Caitlyn

===========================================================

ANGER

jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, vocalisations (growls, snarls, hisses etc) stuttering speech, rushed speech (it's like her mind goes on overdrive), slow concise speech, rambling (50/50), quiet (usually when she's angry with herself), arms crossing, shaking head, curling lip upwards, baring teeth, tearing up, animated (*cough* in fights with her mom *cough*), expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, tighter movements, passive aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts (again, with her mom), pacing, going still, anger boils over in the heat of the moment but cools down quickly afterwards, anger brews slowly but lingers longer, will act out of impulse when angry, will stew on their anger and plot revenge, holds grudges, forgives easily, forgives but never forgets

JOY

SADNESS

crying (50/50), bottling it up (50/50), seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, swallowing thickly, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item (she spins her little pistol), sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME:

Blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, running hand through hair, clearing throat, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks (!!!), lets it go, self deprecating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT

avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures for forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex (before she went into the undercity), over-active guilt complex, healthy conscience, internalizes even after forgiveness, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, shuts off empathy to cope, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others

FEAR/ANXIETY

Tagged by: @just--a--jinx

Tagging: Uhhh just steal it from me and tag me so I can see it bc everyone around me has done it already lmfao

#“you've got a good heart. don't ever lose it” ✸ vi #''begs the question young kiramman. what are you shooting for?'' ⟴ caitlyn #but also maybe #temp tagged tag #idk it's late lmfao maybe i'll fix this later

0 notes

corvidinthewoods · 3 years

Text

don't watch Bo Burnham's "Inside" if you are not in a safe mental place

before you get mad please let me elaborate

I am in no way saying you should never watch it, or that mentally ill people shouldn't watch it, or that you should only watch it if you are completely mentally healthy. I'm not even saying you should block the tags or avoid engaging with it at all costs

i am saying that if you are actively struggling with your mental health, for example you currently have suicidal ideation or are self harming, please be very careful about watching this special (or clips of it)

if you are struggling in that sort of way but still want to watch it now, please make sure you have a support system that you could turn to in the event that something in the special triggers a severe reaction in you

if you do not have that kind of support system but still want to watch the special, i highly encourage you to wait until you either establish one or make enough progress in your mental health that you can cope with a reaction safely

I just watched Inside and i am really glad that i'm in such a good place with my mental health, because it prominently discusses and depicts Bo Burnham's spiral into severe depression. I'm also glad it didn't come out earlier this year while I was in a depressive episode bad enough I had to increase my med dosage, which had been stable for two years. I can only imagine how watching this during any kind of dangerous mental health episode/crisis could end up. I think Inside is an incredible piece of art, but I worry about people in vulnerable situations where their impulses can lead to very very dangerous places. Plenty of the special is typical comedy music and stuff, especially in the beginning. I personally plan to go back and look for symbolism and metaphors and other subtle shit, but after the first 20-30 minutes, less and less of it is subtle. Bo Burnham made a movie of himself as he fell to a self-described All Time Low, including the ugly and scary parts. So make sure you can be safe if you’re gonna watch the whole thing, and use caution when watching clips.

TL;DR

i believe much of Inside could be very triggering to those prone to self-destruction or suicidal ideation. If that applies to you, please use caution and be proactive about your mental health before going to watch it.

#bo burnham #inside #bo burnham inside #honestly i think in certain vulnerable sitations #like some panic or anxiety attacks #this special could be a very useful positive coping mechanism #it could distract enough for someone to calm down #and it doesn't invalidate that struggle so it could help ground someone #but i can easily see people using this special to wallow in their illness #and if someone is prone to self destruction #and is just wallowing in it and gets the impulse to harm #maybe im perseverating #but i dont think its a stretch #god i hope he doesnt kill himself #hall of fame

7K notes · View notes

sunarintoes · 3 years

Text

Their Toxic Traits Part II

Part one can be found here

tw: manipulation, cheating, reddit incels, coercion in Terushima’s, all round toxicity

Ushijima → you don't even know that you're dating. He came up to you and said “you're not as annoying as the rest, I'm glad you came to Shiratorizawa” and then walked off. To him that was a confession of love and meant that the two of you were dating. It wasn't until he became really possessive over you when you spoke to other guys did you finally figure out why. When you guys actually date he still remains possessive and talks down to you if you speak to any other guy.

Tendou → jealous, like really jealous. It stems from insecurity because he's so scared that you'll leave him. So to prevent that he hovers over you all the time and refuses to let you have male/guy friends cause he perceives them as a threat :/

Semi → purposefully causes arguments so he can feel emotional and write a song about it. You're his dirty little secret, the world doesn't know about you and he wants to keep it that way. After his concerts he always has a one night stand but his reasoning is that you shouldn’t care cause you’re the only one he’ll fuck more than once.

Shirabu → he's a bitch. He gets insecure a lot and takes it out on you, making snide comments about your appearance. He’s also jealous of you, not other guys, that's partly where his insecurities stem from.

Kawanishi → dates you so you can do his homework/uni projects for him. Also for your money, he likes free food and coffee.

Goshiki → impulsive and gets easily heated. He also can't take any form of criticism. He once bought you a $600 volleyball - made of like gold or something, and was upset when you didn't immediately fall in love with it.

Bokuto → man baby. Can't do anything. Needs you to do it for him. Also can't take criticism. Make one offhand comment and he’s wallowing in the pits of despair, curled up in a ball on the couch and pitying himself. Seriously, you could say something like “Kou why can't you clean up your own dishes?” and boom, he’s sulking on the couch.

Akaashi → treats you like a child, kind of like how he treats bokuto. You feel more like a daughter or something with how he always seems to step on eggshells around you to make sure you don’t act in a way that could be bothersome for him. He probably insults your intelligence as well.

Konoha → doesn't know what a period is. He’s one of those reddit boys who bitches about their s/o and how they act on their period. Even if you don't get a period he’s still a bitch, he acts like every minor inconvenience is caused by you and he rants about it on reddit.

Atsumu → he’s like Oikawa. An absolute fuckboy. Flirts with everyone and a chronic cheater. He doesn't even pretend to be sad when he’s caught, he just asks if you want to join.

Osamu → he has trust issues. At first he thinks you're using him to get to his brother. He’s also lazy and can't clean up after himself.

Kita → he has traditional views. Definitely believes in gender roles and wants you to be his subservient s/o. It doesn’t matter if you’re cis/girl/guy/nb (gender is a social construct) he is the man of the house and he will be the breadwinner while you tend to the house. Expects you to take care of his needs.

Aran → he talks down to you. If you try to crack a joke he pulls it apart. Seriously, you've got to have no humour with him because for some reason he really likes to tear it to shreds.

Suna → lazy. One worded replies, never texts first, ‘bros over hoes’ attitude. He treats you as a second class citizen for him to step all over.

Terushima → coerced you into dating him. Not joking. He's a pushy fucker. Has probably tried to force you to do things, luckily you have been able to set boundaries - whether or not you need help from friends depends on you.

Kiyoko → ignores you. She loves to give you the silent treatment because she likes the power of it. She uses it after arguments to ‘put you in your place’ and get you to come to her first.

Yachi → she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship. She's a nervous wreck and is constantly jumping to conclusions that can be harmful for the both of you.

Daishou → he’s canonically a cheater - well, in volleyball, so he definitely lies to you and manipulates you to get what he wants.

Futakuchi → reddit incel. Is there anything more to say? He’s one of those ‘pick me’ guys who complain about being so nice only to have no dates. Average looking, below-average personality. He’s posted something like this before.

Aone → like Kiyoko, he plays the silent game, not because he wants to get on your nerves, he just expects you to know what he wants/is thinking with a simple look/without saying something.

Sakusa → he’s disgusted by your germs. Don't touch him. It takes a long time for him to get used to your germs and accept them. He refuses to look after you on your period, too afraid that he’ll get covered in blood. Don't even think he’d look after you if you were sick.

Komori → he bitches about you to others, and he over exaggerates everything.

Feel free to add your own <3

463 notes · View notes

pinnithin-writes · 2 years

Text

Breaking the Circle - Part 28 2461 words.

Hartline hid his gift at first.

Tried to, at least. Even a high collar couldn’t cover the stark bands of ink on his throat. The design itself was heretical, a perversion of the standard protection circles sanctioned by the Temple, powerfully and permanently scrawling over his entire body. Respect and resentment warred inside him when he first got a good look at himself. Of course Telis would brand him with something so controversial.

The tattoos weren’t just an aesthetic choice, he found out. There was a celestial quality to them, a subtle influence on his thoughts and actions. He didn’t quite know what to make of it. His mind was his own, but occasionally his impulses wouldn’t line up with Telis’ will and he would just… stop having them. He spent several hours in those first few days after Telis’ visit, analyzing his own thoughts, examining them to see if they were truly organically from his mind or seemed to stem from a different source. But he never felt controlled – just subdued, grasped by the scruff like a kitten. Certain actions were not allowed, his body urging him to choose the wiser option when his self-destructive tendencies threatened his life.

He eventually figured out the rules. Ultimately, he was unable to do anything that brought direct harm to himself. He was unable to starve himself or deprive himself of sleep. He found he could still get injured, but the tattoos on his skin, somehow, could read the intent behind his actions. If he wanted to initiate violence for the sake of meaningless pain, Telis would reach into his head and roll the thought away. It was a strange sensation, and while Hartline didn’t necessarily like it, there was little he could do about it.

Besides survive, of course, despite how badly he wanted not to.

Righteous anger was permitted. When he found out a young acolyte – a child, truly - was forced to toil in the fields to the point of heat stroke, Hartline beat the priest responsible into the dirt with no conflicted feelings about it. He served the appropriate punishment for attacking a brother, but this time the whip tasted like virtue, not misery.

The deep, satisfying ache of training soreness was the only loophole in Hartline’s self-harm embargo. When pressed with the urge to wallow, he dragged himself from his room and worked in the dusty yard with his staff until he could hardly stand. The shaking exhaustion at the end of those days was a new kind of comfort, a tough and accomplished kind, not the black soft grief that wrapped him up in bedsheets. Slowly, he put on weight again. The rat’s nest that had become his hair was beyond saving, so he cut it short for the first time since he was twelve. He stopped covering his tattoos with long sleeves, no longer caring what others would think of Telis’ mark.

He didn’t even know what his relationship with God was at this point, so there was no use trying to explain it to anyone.

People noticed, of course. They noticed but politely neglected to comment. Perhaps there was residual fear of drawing his ire, or perhaps Hartline was low enough in the hierarchy at this point that his disobedience no longer mattered. Haemir asked about the tattoos only once. When Hartline stared him down in response, physically unable to launch the retort on the edge of his tongue, the head priest nodded, as if he understood.

It was unclear if Haemir actually understood or if he was just glad Hartline was being tactfully silent for a change. It was possible, on the night of his initiation all those years ago, he had truly believed Hartline when he’d claimed Telis spoke to him. Hartline didn’t know and he didn’t care to ask.

A tenuous truce fell into place, wordless and brittle. So long as Hartline didn’t speak out publicly against the church, he was largely allowed to do as he wished. He went back to his work on the grounds, tending the gardens and caring for the courtyard, but he never returned to morning and evening worship. No one ever tried to make him go back. Whenever the funeral bells rang, he left the temple entirely, wandering up and down the black sand beach until his heart stopped racing.

Unable to take the pain into his own body anymore, Hartline had to find other ways to grieve for Reynin. Sometimes, he carried his lunch out to the crisp white headstone in the church cemetery. He tried to talk to Reynin as if he were there with him, but the gravesite felt empty, devoid of anything that would characterize the place as Reynin’s beyond the emboldened script over his tomb.

REYNIN CARLILE, it said. 1588-1611. Beloved companion and friend. Hartline spent many hours studying the words, wondering who was responsible for the scrollwork; who decided on phrasing, who carved the message with care. A relief of a filigreed sword underscored his name. Hartline knew Reynin had been laid to rest with his weapon, and he supposed there was some comfort in knowing he was granted a paladin’s burial after dying a paladin’s death.

More so than the cemetery, Hartline frequented their old haunts – the docks, the beach, the courtyard, the roof. He felt less alone there, even if he only had memories for company. At night, the moon stared at him and he stared back, wondering if Reynin had moved ahead to his next incarnation yet or if he was taking his time, resting in the arms of his goddess as he recovered from the hard life he’d lived.

Where he felt Reynin’s presence the most, though, was when he continued to work in the community. These actions filled Hartline with purpose, made his artificially extended life feel like it had some kind of meaning. He kept his ambitions low - helping lift heavy loads at the docks, subtly pestering church leadership on the citizens’ behalf, repairing houses after heavy storms hit. Simple acts, unobtrusive, sure to pass inspection should authority decide to look closely. It was all Hartline could bring himself to do.

His heart no longer burned for grandiose gestures of defiance. He was tired. He just wanted Reynin back.

As Telis promised, Hartline survived. Nine more years passed in this muted, subdued form of living. Hartline was bitter and withdrawn, alive only because his goddess willed it of him, and he likely would have stayed in that limbo if Antioch’s arrest hadn’t interrupted it.

No one told Hartline his old childhood ally had been thrown in a cell beneath the church, but no one had to. It was on the mouth of everyone in Whitecap. The year was 1621 and Antioch was caught yelling blaspheme in the streets, completely deranged, people said, out of their mind with delusion. The church took them into custody a few short hours later, but the damage had already been done.

Hartline visited them in the dead of night, when the sanctuary lay quiet and his bare feet made no sound. He carried no light with him, relying on hearing and touch to navigate the rough hewn steps. He approached the cell silently and knelt, noting the subtle hum of a ward on the blackiron bars. An experimental tap, and the cell glowed a soft gold. A Telite enchantment, he noted, harsh and condemning, locking the occupant in place.

Hartline forced air through his teeth in a hiss, tapping the bars again. “Antioch.”

By the dim light of the enchantment, he saw a form in the corner shift. They made a noise of confusion, then recognition. “Hartline?”

“The fuck are you doing down here?” he asked. He wasn’t asking for what crime; that he knew. What eluded him was how shrewd, slippery Antioch hadn’t managed to lie their way out of imprisonment.

Antioch scrambled closer, almost animalistic in the way they dragged themself across the stone floor. In the faint light, they looked gaunter than usual, sharp shadows thrown beneath their cheekbones. Hartline drew back only slightly, put off by the wild light in their gray eyes, the deep purple half moons hanging below.

“The fuck are you doing down here?” Antioch countered. Their voice was hoarse from a day of screaming their face off in the market quarter, but at least they still sounded as bitter as Hartline remembered.

Hartline’s answer brought out an old insolence that didn’t make much of an appearance these days. “Checking on you, dipshit. You look terrible,” he observed.

It was rude but true. The auburn hair they usually kept in a tight braid was stringy and loose. Their fingernails were black crescents protruding from their nail beds, and they looked about twenty pounds lighter than the last time Hartline saw them. The insult, at least, drew a familiar, irritable expression to Antioch’s face

“Thanks,” they spat.

“Where have you been?” Hartline asked, settling into a cross-legged position. “What happened to you?”

Antioch didn’t mirror Hartline’s posture, choosing instead to lean their cheek against one of the bars and regard Hartline closely. The iron glowed brighter at the contact, making one of their eyes shine like a new silver coin. Their expression was oddly hungry.

“You won’t believe me,” they said.

“Try me.”

Antioch chuckled wryly. It was a disquieting sound, like a dry tree creaking in the wind. “Fine, Ed,” they said. “I’ve been dead.”

Hartline blinked. “Dead,” he repeated.

Antioch nodded, a sharp smirk edging their mouth. “I drowned when that squall caught our skiff a few months ago. But I didn’t meet Soyinka. You wanna know who I met instead?”

Hartline raised his eyebrows wordlessly.

“Someone else. Someone who rules the sea. They killed me, and then they sent me back. To tell all of you.”

Hartline didn’t respond to this right away. He held Antioch’s gaze carefully, searching for untruth in their expression. But Antioch’s stare could bore a hole in the Hartline’s face. They were disturbed, but they certainly believed what they were saying was true. Claiming resurrection was reason enough for their arrest, but there was a bigger, more glaring issue at hand.

“You’re saying there’s another god.”

Antioch nodded. “They’re real,” they insisted. “We’ve been running around like idiots pretending only Life and Death matter because the church has been lying to us since the elves came to Eunara.”

This was a bold claim to make, and Hartline had to take a second to fully digest what Antioch said. “The priests will kill you for saying that,” he warned.

“You think I don’t know that?” Antioch snarled. “Hartline, I have proof. After the sea sent me back, I’ve been documenting it. You can see it in the tide patterns. The storm frequencies. The data doesn’t lie. They’re real.

“Once you see them? Once they speak to you? You can’t ignore that. We shouldn’t ignore that. What if they decide to come up here and have us pay for all the strings they pulled to keep us alive?”

They grasped the bars, pressing their face as close to Hartline as they could get. Hartline held their ground, doubtful, as they continued urgently.

“You know as well as I do how many deaths the Temple is responsible for. Just think about how many more people will die once this god decide to stop taking our shit. All because the church is hushing us up? I can’t just stand by and do nothing.”

“Antioch,” Hartline said. He tried to be delicate, but that had never been his strong suit. “I don’t think you’re in your right mind.”

“Fuck you!” Antioch snarled, reaching an arm through the bars to swipe at Hartline, who only barely managed to lean out of the way in time. “Do you think you’d be in your right mind if something drowned you and spat you back out? Fuck you, Hartline. You believe me, I know you do.”

Whether Hartline believed Antioch or not was immaterial. The reality of the situation was that anyone claiming the Sisters weren’t all-encompassing in their power - especially stated so blatantly - wouldn’t be allowed to live. Hartline remembered his discussions with the Hunt siblings, behind closed doors in hushed tones. He remembered Reynin angrily gesturing on the temple roof, irate but still only willing to imply. Antioch was a liar and a snake, but even they weren’t mad enough to make something like this up. Whatever they experienced must have really affected them.

“I believe you,” Hartline said quietly.

The feral glint in Antioch’s eyes dimmed somewhat, but their grasp on the bars remained white-knuckled. “So you’ll help spread the word?” they asked.

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t,” Hartline replied. “Telis won’t let me.”

Antioch’s mouth twisted into a sneer. “You’re seriously using that excuse? I didn’t know god took your balls when you joined up.”

Hartline’s anger flared. “No, jackass, I mean she literally won’t let me. Talking like that in public is a death wish.” He gestured to his tattoos, as if that explained anything. “I’m not allowed to do that shit to myself.”

Antioch didn’t ask for further explanation, so Hartline didn’t give any. They uncurled their hands from the bars and sat further back in the shadows. In this light, their face looked skull-like as they scowled at Hartline. The two of them seethed in silence for a moment, staring at one another as if they could kill each other through the cell door.

“Listen,” Hartline finally said. “I can try and convince the priests to let you out of here. But you have to lie your ass off about this sea god stuff. Say you were hit on the head or you had a bad fever or something. If you never mention it again, they might let you live.”

But Antioch only laughed hoarsely. “Ed, I can’t lie about this,” they replied. “Not after what I saw.”

“They’ll kill you,” Hartline repeated emphatically.

“They’ll only be proving me right.”

Hartline sighed. His hands were infuriatingly tied. He couldn’t break Antioch out - the enchantment on the cell prevented that. He couldn’t bargain for their life if they weren’t willing to repent. He couldn’t even pass on Antioch’s warning after the church executed them. As soon as Hartline thought to open his mouth, Telis would dissolve the idea like salt in water.

He felt as useless then as he had when Reynin died, shackled tight and anchored down. The uselessness had lived in his chest for years now; trying to extricate something that had wormed so deep inside his ribcage seemed impossible.

As he stood to leave, Antioch’s voice drifted low from the cell. “You’ve changed.”

“I know,” Hartline said, and he turned his back on them.

#ink #writing #dnd writing #oc writing #fiction #writeblr #breaking the circle #btc #theres an important time skip in here folks please take note #dnd lore

21 notes · View notes

stupendousconnoisseurpuppy · 3 years

Text

The son's warmth

Yandere! Hinata x Reader

Notes: This is my entry for @seijorhi's Deal with the devil collaboration~

Warnings: DARK CONTENT, Violence detail, injury detail, manipulation, kidnap, yandere.

Please refrain from reading if you are uncomfortable with the above!

That said, please enjoy!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Generosity. You suppose it could be a bit of a double-edged sword.

Although in hindsight, all you had wanted was to care for the exuberant ball of sunshine you had believed was dealt a bad hand. Parents and younger sister deceased, orphaned at the tender age of 14 and placed in a less than ideal environment - one devoid of love.

You had always been one of a large sympathetic capacity and it had always been a goal of yours, born of the principle’s kindness and compassion, passed on by your parents and sanctioned by your entry into adulthood; allowing you to action your desire to care for a young child struck by tragedy…

You’re not exactly sure, however, how that’d landed you in the basement of your own house with a broken leg and shattered kneecaps.

It was to be expected you'd reasoned at first, you had defied common sense and made a deal with a less than savoury entity.

Too bad you hadn't considered the fact that demons could come in the shape of fair seeming, walking tangerines with an aptitude for overbearing affection.

To his defence (something you’ve now come to consider a very ironic concept) Hinata wasn’t exactly - as far as signatories go - the one you'd even made this... deal with. It had been his orphanage, an institution shrouded in fraud and doused in the bitter aroma of embezzlement that had sealed your fortunes in the form of crisp white adoption papers.

You didn’t mind his clingy nature, the crushing strength of his grip when his hand found - sought - yours… actions that could and would have seemed to untrained eyes like a misplaced and overwhelming sense of desperation, like the shock of betrayal carved upon his features when your focus wasn’t solely trained on him, or the unnerving intensity pooling beneath glittering brown iris’ whenever they met yours during his volleyball matches. Again, this was something you’d chalked down to an amalgamation of a passion for the sport, desire to win and an appreciation for the fact that his beloved mother had come to show him the support he had clearly lacked in the early stages of his teenage years.

After all, what was a guardian without unconditional devotion to their child?

He was the coolness of your eyes whilst paradoxically, providing an all-encompassing warmth (much like the sun) and with an ostensibly boundless supply of energy. Such was the ardour that made your heart swell with pride. It was just a terrible pity – in your case at least - that this energy he had was now being put towards severing your contact with the outside world.

Wanted to go outside? He’d want you to help him practice.

Meeting someone? He’d pout and complain.

How could you refuse? You’d naively attributed such possessiveness to the trauma of losing his family and would excuse such behaviour in consideration of the circumstance. It was only natural. You’d decided to be there for him, accepting the responsibility as soon as you’d inked your name on the dotted line… if he needed a little more attention, that’s what he’d get.

And so, the story progressed until towards the end of his third year of high school, he’d decided the affection you were providing him with, however plentiful, wasn’t nearly as satisfactory as he knew it could be. For you still to be surrounded by others must mean his slice of the pie was diminished in size and a growing boy such as himself needed all the nutrition he could get. He’d reasoned that the entirety of said “pie” belonged to him, anyway. Surely no one could chastise him for exercising a due right over his own property?

He didn’t want to be the occupant of most of your time, he wanted all of it… And it was to be brought to your attention as soon as he arrived home from school.

No sooner had he entered through the front door than he was skipping towards your location (in the kitchen) with a blinding smile on his face, proceeding to grip onto your shoulders with a force that clearly betrayed his cheery demeanour.

“What’s wrong Shoyo?” You queried.

He’d went on to detail how neglected he felt whenever you enjoyed the presence of anyone other than him “It feels like you don’t love me anymore!”, like he’s not good enough, y’know? But it wasn’t your fault, all you needed was the chance to see that he was fully capable of being the only one you needed to depend on.

You were, at first, inclined to think of such proclamations as some silly prank, followed by laughter, declarations of how well and truly you’d been fooled and fabricated in boyish mischievousness. You’d managed to ask as such, but the speed and surety of his response had you becoming increasingly concerned.

“Nope!”

You forced out a nervous puff of laughter, clutching at the rapidly burning straws of denial because surely, he couldn’t be serious, but your dismissal had only served to become the source of his irritation and he squeezed you harder, fixing you with a determined stare that could only have been described as no less than peering into your soul.

You had ignored the red flags and were getting your just rewards.

“Sho- stop that hurts!”

“Reeeeeally Okaa-san?!” He quipped with insincere concern “It hurts more when you don’t care for me…”

It was at this bitter intonation that you’d scrambled back in shock and had prepared your body’s primal function of flight in the direction of the nearest exit.

But were you really going to run away from him? Shoyo, your own child, the coolness of your eyes and springtime in the haggard winter of your life?

Yes, yes you were.

And you would have gotten away with it too, had not the subject of your internal conflict taken advantage of your moment’s irresolution. For in a ginger blur of motion you were on the ground, he had taken a hold of your leg…

SNAP

He roughly covered your mouth to silence the scream, pinning you down with the weight of his own body as hot, fat tears rolled down your cheeks. The pain was excruciating, but you wouldn’t feel it for long, as with a swift hook to the jaw you were out cold. It hurt for him to have to utilize violence on the one he cherished; however, it’d seem a tad counterintuitive for him to give you the opportunity to run away.

You’d forgive him, you’d come around. You always did.

He’d swept you up and carried you to the large basement of the house, gently placing you on a worn settee; sickly ochre in colour - the one you’d been meaning to dispose of for years. His actions were soft and caring and his thoughts clouded almost entirely with his overwhelming love for you.

In passing hours he observed your peaceful state mindfully as his core pulsated in the cosy warmth of his rib cage, imagining what a future found solely in each other’s embrace would hold… eventually you’d stay of your own accord, he reasoned. He’d have no need to harm you or to keep you under the low, flickering lights of the basement. Defiance would become a thing of the past. You’d realise how happy you are he’d made the decisions for you, both of you, together…

“Why?” That was a question you sometimes took to asking yourself; more out of pure, unadulterated boredom than anything else. Something you’d already explored the answer to but thought it better to keep your mind occupied with trivial matters than to succumb to insanity (or the intensifying ache of your battered legs).

On that same note, though, contact with the world outside wasn’t the only thing he’d severed.

At the time, such an observation had very nearly made you laugh (and you could probably blame it on the fact that you’d always been quite partial to the more gruesome forms of satire). It was in an impulsive burst of inappropriate and rather facetious humour that you’d wanted to entertain yourself in the recital of depressing hymns (expected, given the nature of your surroundings), to congratulate your stupidity and wallow deeper into the marshes your own self-pity; only to be met with the simple fact that you didn’t have the option.

Your tongue? Gone.

And it hadn’t been the work of the proverbial cat, but your own son, who – cheery as always – had explained that it was another necessary action to stop you from hurting yourself, done behind the ever-wise teaching that prevention was indeed, better than cure. Could you not see he only wanted what was best for you?

It was then you were sure he’d dangerously distorted his self-awarded role as your protector and had lost his mind.

“Okaa-San, Its aright…” He beamed whilst you’d engaged in silently cursing your weak will “You won’t feel a thing!” - he flashed a guilty smile - after I knock you out…again.

And you didn’t. He’d sutured the wound (with what you really didn’t want to know) and made sure you didn’t choke on your own life juices, patching you up like the loving, doting son that he is… It was your job not to worry about the extremity of his actions, as a mother that should do everything in their power to put their beloved’s mind at ease.

Saved from the fate of Exsanguination… shows how much he adores you right? Not that you'd had half the courage or audacity to end your own life in such a macabre fashion, but even if you hadn’t been relieved of the burden of speech; you weren’t one to shatter another’s fantasies - especially if they were high school athletes with inhuman amounts of strength.

In the passing weeks, your mind had dawned upon the realisation that no one was coming to save you - and did you even need saving? – for your parents were far too busy, friends far too distant and dashing officer that’d do everything in his power far too non-existent. Shoyo was the only one who had cared for you, providing you with physical and emotional sustenance you’d never thought you needed - maybe for the reason that he had made himself the only source.

Another thing you’d come to realise, this time regarding unintelligible murmurs, is that they are very much open to interpretation. So even though his barrage of saccharine words were met with your limited arsenal of what might be considered responses, they been understood as absolute agreement, alongside the reciprocation of his affections. Which, to be honest, wasn’t that far off from the truth, as it was by that point, you’d learned the path of resistance was futile and that you were beginning to get used to (and even bask in) the flattery and praise he showered you with, silently and psychologically solidifying the notion that he was yours and you were his.

“You’ll stay with me forever right, Okaa-San?”

He giggled, placing a soft, lingering kiss upon your lips as if he were certain of your answer. And so were you. However, when he looked at you, tenderly caressing your form there was something amiss, a dormant hunger that hadn’t been there before, one that when coupled with the intensity he’d always regarded you with gave birth to towering waves of nausea and accentuated the persistent throb of your injured legs as if in subtle warning…

But you could deal with that later.

Because, despite the fact that his, short, brilliant orange hair had grown long and luscious with time and his scrawny figure had evolved into a mass of lean muscle, he still looked to you … like he did the first day he entered your care. Young, innocent and without fault. Unfairly dealt a bad hand and with you tasked to be the provider of everything he never had. So, as per the contract signed…

You nodded.

After all, what was a guardian without unconditional devotion to their child?

#deal with the devil collab #yandere #hinata shoyo x reader #hq hinata #hinata shoyuo #yandere hinata #yandere x reader #yandere haikyuu #hinata shoyo x you #haikyuu hinata #yandere hinata shoyo #tw yandere

92 notes · View notes

unforth · 4 years

Text

Rules of the Gusu Lan Clan

Since I wrote my fic about junior Wei Wuxian trying to follow every rule, I’ve been wanting to compile a list of all known rules across multiple sources, and apparently today is the day for that.

General notes:

According to the MDZS novel, there are 3,000 rules at the time of the lectures, and 4,000 rules 13 years later after Wei Wuxian is resurrected. According to CQL, there are 3,500 rules at the time of the lectures.

These rules are presumably numbered, as when Lan Wangji is being beaten, Lan Qiren asks him “what is the 52nd doctrine of the Lan clan?” However, they are given in a different order in different sources so establishing how they are numbered is impossible. Since we can’t know the order they “belong” in, I’ve organized them by grouping them thematically. For the few I know numbers for, those numbers are included in parenthesis.

I don’t know how these rules are referred to in Chinese; in English they are translated as rules, principals, doctrines, or laws. Based on contextual clues, it’s possible that the rules are sorted into different categories (ie, principals vs. doctrines vs. rules)

I did my best to consolidate the rules listed duplicatively over multiple sources, but as I don’t speak Chinese and therefore cannot say which are identical in the original, there is likely some redundancy. This is exacerbated by a lot of rules apparently being given in both “do not” and “be” forms - ie, “do not disrespect elders” and “be filial” and “be respectful to teachers” are all rules. The reason I opted to leave these areas of redundancy is that this compiled list is around 175 rules. There are 3,000 plus of these things. If just ~175 have this much duplication the amount of redundancy in the actual list must be insane, so I think these overlapping rules are intentional and consolidating them would be inappropriate.

Crossposted to AO3

Sources I used to compile this list:

The “Book of Righteousness” notebook, as translated by BigBadRedPanda. They did two translations, posted on Tumblr and on Twitter, which don’t always match on translation choices.

The inscribed wall is shown in the donghua, as translated by my-otp-list, based on a list transcribed by an unknown Weibo user.

The MDZS wiki, which draws on multiple sources.

The Netflix translation of CQL: I watched through the episodes of the lecture and transcribed these myself. I do not have time to rewatch the whole series for those that might have been listed elsewhere. I specifically rewatched: the fight between WWX and LWJ and WWX arrives at Cloud Recesses in episode 3; the “NHS has a bird” scene in episode 3; the “putting a turtle on LQR’s back” scene in episode 4; and the scene where LWJ is punished in episode 43.

For anyone with a lot of patience and a working knowledge of Chinese and English, in CQL episode 3, timestamp 23 minutes on Netflix, there’s a carved stone with the rules on it. Also, in episode 4, timestamp 2 minutes on Netflix, Wei Wuxian is shown sleeping amidst the copies he’s made, there are more rules visible then. Same episode, timestamp 3:30 or so, a disciple opens a pamphlet of the rules and some are shown. (I expect there’s much overlap between these three sources). Information there might be able to expand this list? Or it might be entirely redundant. I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Interpreting the list:

“Source” indicates which source(s) include this rule. (this isn’t exhaustive and there is a fair amount of overlap between CQL and MDZS)

notebook - “The Book of Righteousness” translation by BigBadRedPanda

donghua - the translation of the list in the second episode done by my-otp-list

CQL - the Netflix translation of CQL

MDZS - the Exiled Rebels translations of the novel.

“Also translated as” is a different translation from the same source (ie, two different translations of the Book of Righteousness)

“Alternate” is a similar rule from an alternate source that overlapped so closely that I lumped them together (ie, overlap between Book of Righteousness and donghua)

THE RULES:

Rules pertaining to appropriate behavior and comportment:

Lan clan disciples must follow the principles of the Lan (source: CQL)

Do not work after 9 pm (source: notebook)

Do not rise after 5 am (alternate: wake up at 8 am (??)) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not go out at night (also translated as: venturing out at night is prohibited) (source: donghua)

Those who come at night should not be allowed in until 7 AM (source: CQL)

Do not be late (source: CQL)

Do not enter Cloud Recesses without permission (source: CQL)

No one is permitted to attend the lectures without an invitation (source: CQL)

Do not enter the back hills without permission (source: CQL)

Do not fight without permission (alternate: fighting without permission is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not create damages (source: donghua)

Do not take life within Cloud Recesses (alternate: do not kill within the premises) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not stand incorrectly (also translated as: do not stoop while standing) (alternate: have a proper posture) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not sit improperly (also translated as: do not slouch while sitting) (alternate: do not sit with a disgraceful pose, sitting improperly is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Do not make noise (alternate: do not make an uproar, causing noise is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Do not hurry rashly (also translated as: do not rush while walking, do not walk too fast) (alternate: do not act impulsively; running is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Do not move arbitrarily (source: CQL)

Do not smile for no reason (also translated as: do not smile foolishly, do not laugh for no reason) (source: notebook, donghua)

Sneering for no reason is prohibited (source: donghua)

Do not drink alcohol (alternate: alcohol is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua, MDZS, CQL)

Do not consume meat (source: MDZS)

Killing livestock within the area is prohibited (source: MDZS)

Do not be difficult with food (alternate: do not be picky about food) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not eat more than three bowls (alternate: eating more than three bowls is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not talk during meal times (source: MDZS)

Pets are not permitted (source: MDZS)

Change clothes after a shower (source: CQL)

Wear a headband to discipline yourself (source: CQL)

Do not touch others’ headbands without permission (source: CQL)

A headband is not to be used for any other purpose (source: CQL)

Only a spouse or child may touch the headband (source: MDZS)

Do not bribe a law enforcer (source: CQL)

Do not use a concealed weapon (source: CQL)

Do not hide an edged tool (source: CQL)

Do not wear any jangling objects like beads (source: CQL)

Do not wear more than three accessories around your waist (source: CQL)

Do not alter clothes secretly (source: CQL)

Never hurt insects or plants (source: CQL)

Do not borrow money (source: CQL)

Rules related to personal virtues (virtues in the English sense, not the classical Chinese sense):

Love and respect yourself (source: donghua)

Behave yourself (source: CQL)

Be respectful (alternate: be courteous) (source: donghua, CQL)

Be modest (source: CQL)

Arrogance is prohibited (source: donghua)

Hide your wisdom (source: CQL)

Do not show off your skills (source: CQL)

Be humble (source: donghua, CQL)

Do not be supercilious (source: CQL)

Be amicable and united (alternate: be cordial) (source: donghua, CQL)

Be strict with yourself (source: donghua)

Have a strong will and anything can be achieved (source: donghua)

Diligence is the root (source: donghua)

Morality is the priority (source: donghua)

Harmony is the value (source: donghua)

Be ethical (source: donghua)

Uphold the value of justice (source: donghua)

Be just (source: donghua)

Shoulder the weight of morality (source: donghua)

Perform acts of chivalry (source: donghua)

Have courage and knowledge (source: donghua)

Have courtesy and integrity (source: donghua)

Do not be ill-mannered (source: CQL)

Have affection and gratefulness (source: donghua)

Be compassionate (source: CQL)

Be generous (source: donghua)

Frugality is a moral (source: CQL)

Give more, take less (source: CQL)

Do not expect rewards after giving (source: CQL)

Do not be miserly (source: notebook)

Do not regret after offering (source: CQL)

Accumulate virtue and merits (6th rule) (source: CQL)

Make sure to act virtuously (source: donghua)

Be grateful (source: donghua)

Be grateful when praised (source: CQL)

Stop bad habits (source: donghua)

Destroy the five poisons (the five poisons are desire, anger, ignorance, pride, and jealousy; references: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Poisons; http://www.chinabuddhismencyclopedia.com/en/index.php/Five_poisons)

Do not indulge in pleasure (source: CQL)

Do not be promiscuous (alternate: do not commit acts of promiscuity; promiscuity is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not indulge in debauchery (source: notebook)

Do not wallow in luxury and pleasure (alternate: do not live extravagantly, do not be luxurious) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Be peaceful when insulted (source: CQL)

Do not succumb to rage (also translated as: do not get angry) (alternate: do not be over-the-top; do not be aggressive) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Speak meagerly, for too many words only bring harm (source: donghua)

Do not be haughty and complacent (source: notebook)

Do not be of two minds (alternate: be of one mind) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not exult in excess (also translated as: do not be overly happy) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not grieve in excess (also translated as: do not be overly sad) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not covet the property of others (source: CQL)

Do not steal (source: notebook)

Do not be greedy (source: notebook)

Be careful with your words (source: donghua)

Do not use coarse language (source: CQL)

Do not tell lies (source: notebook)

Do not take your own words lightly (source: donghua)

Do not sow discord (source: CQL)

Do not use flowery writing (also translated as: do not write about love and sex; do not use frivolous language) (alternate: do not spread empty line (sic) ) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not say one thing and mean another (alternate: do not break promises; do not go back on your word) (source: notebook, donghua, CQL)

Do not boast about your own strengths (source: CQL)

Believe sincerely (source: donghua)

Do not be suspicious (source: CQL)

Do not be wasteful (source: donghua)

Do not break faith and abandon right (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not be unreasonable (source: CQL)

Rules for training, studying and learning:

Learning comes first (source: donghua)

Train your body and your mind (source: donghua)

Maintain your own discipline (source: donghua)

Organize work properly (source: donghua)

Do not neglect your studies (source: CQL)

Do not give up on learning (source: donghua)

Do not lose your life goal (source: CQL)

Nurture aspirations (source: donghua)

Rules for interacting with others:

Love all beings (source: donghua)

Embrace the entirety of the world (source: donghua)

Honor good people (source: donghua)

Appreciate the good people (source: donghua)

Good people will be esteemed, blessed by natured, and accompanied by good fortune (source: CQL)

Respect the filial ones (source: donghua)

Be fair, and they will follow you (source: donghua)

Be trustworthy, and they will believe you (source: donghua)

Be mighty, and they will die for you (source: donghua)

Be loyal (source: donghua)

Earn trust (source: donghua)

Win friendships with kindness (source: donghua)

See friends as neighbors (source: donghua)

Steer away from bad men (source: donghua)

Correct others by correcting yourself (source: CQL)

Do not fear the strong (source: notebook)

Do not ignore others and be undisciplined (source: CQL)

Help the lonely (source: CQL)

Take pity on the desolate (source: CQL)

Do not despise poverty (source: CQL)

Do not bully the weak (alternate: do not bully others; bullying is prohibited) (source: notebook, CQL)

Do not mix public and private interests (source: notebook)

Help the underprivileged (source: donghua)

Care for the weak (source: CQL)

Lend a hand to those in need (source: CQL)

Rescue those in danger (source: CQL)

Do not take advantage of your position or connections to oppress others (source: notebook)

Do not build wealth by using others, for this wealth won’t last (source: donghua)

Do not curry favour (also translated as: do not flatter) (source: notebook)

Do not go tuft-hunting (source: CQL)

Do not be a social climber (source: CQL)

Do not form a clique and exclude others (alternate: do not form cliques) (source: notebook, donghua)

Do not insult people (alternate: do not slander others) (source: notebook, CQL)

Do not use bad words to hurt others (source: donghua)

Do not tease others (source: CQL)

Do not praise yourself and slander others (source: notebook)

Do not jump to an unfounded conclusion (also translated as: do not make assumptions about others) (alternate: do not judge others quickly) (source: notebook, CQL)

Do not judge people behind their back (alternate: do not speak ill of others; talking behind other people’s back is prohibited) (source: notebook, donghua)

Speak not about other people’s weaknesses (source: CQL)

Be easy on others (source: donghua)

Be sad for other people’s sufferings (source: CQL)

Rejoice in other people’s blessings (source: CQL)

Regard other people’s gains and losses as your own (source: CQL)

Do not hold grudges (source: donghua)

Have wins and losses (source: donghua)

If others win over you, do not envy (source: donghua)

If others lose to you, do not look down (source: donghua)

Do not take apprentices excessively, nor pass ordinary people (source: CQL)

Interacting with Wei Wuxian is forbidden. (added by Lan Qiren at some point post lectures...yes, really...heck of a lot of good it did anyone...)

Rules for respecting those in authority:

Respect the elderly (source: CQL)

Do not disrespect the elder (source: notebook)

Do not disregard the younger (source: notebook)

Do not forget the grace of the forefathers (source: donghua)

Be loyal, filial, friendly and dutiful (source: donghua, CQL; donghua only lists the first two)

Be a filial child (source: donghua)

Do not argue with your family, for it doesn’t matter who wins (source: donghua)

Honor the teachers and respect the elders (source: CQL)

If your senior is standing, you may not sit until they have done so (source: CQL)

Teachers have extensive knowledge and are examples of moral integrity (source: CQL)

Disturbing female cultivators is prohibited (7th rule) (source: MDZS)

Rules on cultivation, good and evil:

Concentrate on cultivating (source: CQL)

To suppress and eliminate ghosts and monsters, liberate them (source: CQL)

Stay on the righteous path (source: CQL)

Take the straight path (alternate: follow the righteous way) (source: donghua, CQL)

Reject the crooked road (alternate: do not take the crooked ways) (source: donghua, CQL)

Eliminate evil and establish a just law (source: CQL)

Do not associate with evil (source: CQL)

Do not befriend the evil (52nd doctrine) (source: CQL)

Do not fall to evil (source: CQL)

Resist evil (source: CQL)

Promote good (source: CQL)

#mdzs #meta #lan clan #lan clan rules #this took a shockingly long time #hope it's useful to anyone #untamed

251 notes · View notes