#and it makes me very afraid that I should be isolating myself from the trans community during that time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ilaiyayaya · 2 months

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Don't mind me just compiling a bunch of unfinished vent drafts into a finalized product ready for purchase~

It's crazy how for the first half, even maybe like 2/3rds of 2023 I felt amazing overall, the novelty of being out of horrible, multiple years-long situation and into a, realistically just kinda average situation, felt so great that it completely carried me emotionally for nearly a year. But ever since around August/September I've kinda slowly been receding back into that same depressive state I was before, my life has stagnated once again, I've traded one set of issues for a completely different, less familiar set, and I don't have any real clear solution for any of those problems that are within reach. Don't get me wrong I'm at the very least not trying to drown myself once per week yet, but I don't think that should really be the baseline of an acceptable quality of life.

I have a job I've very quickly come to hate that's also kind of consumed my life up until very recently, where I've had enough time off to realize that I've made virtually no progress in the last year outside of merely having a job. I've lost a sizable number of friends, in part due to my coming out as trans, and partly due to just a longterm buildup of disillusionment with those around me that just finally reached a breaking point, and some of the few still left in my life I don't particularly want to keep in my life much longer either, and after going several years socially isolating myself, I don't remember how to make new friends, even though I have several avenues to very easily do so if I actually put forth the effort. I likely won't be able to make any progress transitioning for quite a long time, despite deciding now would be the best time to come out for some reason, I still live with my father, and while I've spent months searching for a place to move out to, the renting market is abysmal and most of my prior options for roommates are either no longer an option, or I'm not particularly comfortable living with them now, and despite having a job that provides pretty good insurance, I am still undiagnosed for a million different potential mental illnesses that I should really probably be medicated for because I'm both too stupid and too lazy to figure out how to switch off my parents' insurance onto my job's, and I'm too afraid of hospitals after going probably close to 10 years without going to any doctor, outside of 1 visit to the optometrist 2 years ago after my old glasses finally broke. And I don't even really have much of a reason to change insurance plans right now when with each passing week I'm more heavily considering just quitting my current job, even though I realistically don't have any better options in my area.

So yea anyways life blows I miss my old terrorist friends (dear Tumblr mods; they were not real terrorists, they were merely g*y people on the internet, please do not nuke me thank you). In good news tho someone posted a map of informed consent clinics throughout the US so now I know there's one like 2 hours away from me, and while I'm still probably too afraid to actually go inside one, and also doubt I'd be able to literally just walk in and say "1 girl medicine plz :3" with any success at all, still good to know. I am so on the verge of wasting all of my savings on HRT without the assistance of insurance all for the bit >:). Also started doing 3D modelling again so like that's fun, didn't do that for a long time but now I have both the time and motivation and now I'm gonna make 5 million Veemon models and nothing else I hope Blender Guru dies fuck that guy.

Why is it so fucking big???

#big vent #super mario dat hoe super mario dat hoe hit the yoshi on em #gamers i think i still have depression; big surprise getting a job didn't solve it big sadge #going back to mmos is like the clearest sign of a problem imaginable; i'm mere weeks away from playing Digimon Masters Online again #Digimon Masters Online #I'm gonna start putting the DMO tag on all of my vent posts; it's relevant because it's the origin point of all problems in life #ok wtf the most recent update increased mercenary slots by 1 (party size) this is huge I have to check this out #family ride home from the hu tao rap #i can't keep doing this i told myself i wouldn't put 500 unrelated tags on this one but they're so fun to do #le sigh gunvolt rhythm game dlc pack 1 doesn't have a zip to the moon life still sucks

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nothorses · 3 years

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1. I know there's no quiz or whatever to know if you're trans, but right now I identify as transmasc mlm, and it makes me feel happy and comfortable and more confident than I have in a long time, but I'm very scared of coming out and then ending up detransitioning. I'm not rushing into transition at All and won't be able to even start talking about it with a professional for another year or so. But how do I know that it's not just like internalized misogyny or some kind of weird fetish thing?

2. i also have ocd so i tend to (you guessed it!) obsess over things, and im afraid i just ended up getting obsessed with the idea of being trans and view it as the solution to my problems (even though I don't). But I’m also terrified of NOT being trans, bcuz I can’t see myself living as a woman. Do you have any advice to make my mind chill out, lol? all of this shit is so complicated and i just want to live my life!! thank u in advance lmfao

That is such a mood, tbh. I often fear that maybe I’m making The Wrong Choice now that I’m on T- despite the fact that I get euphoric every time I notice a new change, that I look forward to each injection day, and that most of my discomfort comes pretty obviously from being in an “awkward middle stage” and having that noticed than, like, actual discomfort with how my body is changing.

It’s pretty common, I think. Trans folks often talk about the positives, the euphoria, and the life-saving necessity of transition- and we should, because those things are here and they’re important. Society fixates on how scary and bad and irreversible transition “must be”, so we counter that with unbridled joy & positivity.

But it can feel isolating, when you start to feel the doubt and uncertainty. If transphobes are telling us that trans people are making Irreversible Decisions and we will come to regret these later, and trans people are telling you that no, we NEVER regret these decisions, we NEVER experience doubt... Where does that leave us when we do, in fact, doubt ourselves?

The fact of the matter is that doubt is just... normal. It’s human. I’d wager it’s a lot common for us to doubt ourselves than to not, and there are a lot more trans people who doubt ourselves than trans people who never, ever do. That doesn’t make either group wrong or “less trans”, or less in need of transition & transition resources. It just means people are different. We process in different ways, we understand ourselves in different ways, and we trust ourselves in different ways. That’s normal.

There’s no good way to know “for sure” if you’re making the right decision, but I like to stop and consider the stuff I know:

When I think about having a body that feels masculine, I get scared, because that’s unfamiliar and strange. I don’t know what that’s like, or how I will feel, exactly, once I’m there. But I also feel hope, and joy, and I feel like it’s the inevitable next step in my journey. Like if I don’t take it, I’ll just be... stuck.

When I think about staying the way I am, I feel exclusively fear. I’ve been managing this long, and it’s familiar, and that’s nice- but I know what I want, now. I know how bad it is. If I have to stay trapped like this forever, I don’t know what I’ll do. And if I never get the chance to live as the person I feel like I really am, I know I’ll regret it.

It’s okay to doubt yourself; it means you’re human, and it means you’re taking care to consider your choices and how right they are for you. Take some time to remind yourself of the reasons you’re doing this, to reconsider what you know and how you feel, and allow yourself to trust that you’re making the right choices for the right reasons. If you have to do that twenty times a day, that’s fine. Maybe they’ll become familiar enough, in time, that you don’t have to do it so often.

And like, that’s just my advice, from my personal experiences. It’s okay if it doesn’t work for you- we’re all different, with different needs! Seek out more resources and perspectives and talk to a professional, if you need to & you can.

#trans #transgender #transition #ftm #transmasc #not horses #once again apologies for the ftm tag #it's just widely-used by more than just binary trans guys #and a helpful resource #Anonymous

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rpbetter · 3 years

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You make some really good posts!! Can I ask something about DNIs? I know it's not directly RP-related, but I have trouble as an RPer with how many DNIs, with urls, there are now. I try not to interact with muns who have them, I block them, because it feels manipulative? But I'm also tempted to block people who follow those muns, because they probably think their DNIs are okay to have, so they're still "bad", just not as bad? Do you think that's overkill, am I shooting myself in the foot?

Oh, thank you! I'm very happy you've enjoyed them!

And, of course, ask anything at all!

I think, ultimately, the answer to whether that's overkill is entirely dependent on what your experience is and if you're happy with it. I don't think it is overkill at all, but if you feel like it is costing you too many mutuals, it might be overkill for you.

I'm a pretty insular RPer, I like a handful of close writing partners that I write a lot of threads with, so, having something like, under ten writing partners is great for me while it's miserable for other muns. I can go wild on blocking and not have it negatively impact my enjoyment, but I know that's not the case for everyone!

And I do, actually, I do go pretty wild with the blocking when it comes to things like DNIs. If it comes off as policing to me, not just something like a difference of opinion or a strong opinion on something, I'm going to block. Otherwise, it's just recognizing that this isn't a mun I'm going to work out with, but no hard feelings. With policing though...I don't want that anywhere near me or my mutuals, so, it's going to be a block.

Because they do tend to be in these odd, like, nested situations lol I totally will spend the effort if their DNI is bad enough to look at the muns they interact with and make sure I don't have future contact with them either. The RPC is such a big place, making it easier to forget URLs than to remember them, but it's also a place where we establish circles of contact, making it easier to run into the same group repeatedly. I feel like it's better for my peace of mind to be a little more certain than not at all that this isn't going to happen as easily.

If that DNI etc. has been so awful, I definitely don't require their mutuals professing the same beliefs as loudly as they are. If you interact with someone, maybe you don't know their pet fish's name or the obscure lore in a headcanon they posted five years ago or the rule they updated without telling anyone, but you do know what is on their pinned post or blog description or rules. At some point, we all visit each other's blogs in dash-view if nothing else when we're getting replies or checking for memes they might have posted, going through their tags, whatever. I do not believe that you're mutuals who reblog from each other often, reply frequently to each other, ship each other's muses and so forth, and all this time, you've somehow failed to notice your bestie mun is telling proshippers to die in their DNI lmao

No, you've seen it. And I find it extremely hard to believe, too, that it's never come up in conversation OOC either.

So, this hypothetical mutual is so oblivious to others, completely agrees with the other one's views while not feeling confident enough to share them publicly, or is scared enough of the other one that they won't disagree...and no matter which/which combination that might be, they're not a mutual I want.

Especially when it comes to a DNI with someone's URL in it. Hard pass on anyone who is okay with that!

If I visited a writing partner's blog, let's say this person is also my closest friend, I value them and the threads I have with them so much, and I saw that in their DNI they had dropped someone's URL? We would have to talk. I'd have to bring it up because it's the right thing to do (and would also be highly out of character for any of my friends, thus very concerning). There would have to be a question posed about what happened here, why did you feel like this was a good choice, and do you think it's increasing or lessening the problem to have that there?

Honestly, sometimes people do get so upset about something that has happened that their worst impulses are let loose freely. When you ask someone you have an established relationship with about that, unless you're being really hateful about it right off, it can help them settle down, take a step back, and see that this is maybe not the right action to take. To me, silence says you're okay with it.

When muns started putting more elaborate DNI's in, that alone rubbed me the wrong way because I genuinely do not think that the majority of that information is at all necessary. It's something I can see and fully understand minors doing, not because they're terrible or anything but because the impulses and rationale are just different. You're very much geared to be as loud as possible about things that are important to you, making them a part of you in a huge way, as a teenager. Shit just is unreasonably intense! But as an adult, I expect that behavior to be different. You don't actually need to say on your RP blog's DNI that "transphobes WILL be blocked!!!"

Well, yes, I should hope so lol we're a community filled with muns who are trans, I'd certainly hope you were not cool with that kind of thing. It's one of those assumptive states, it goes without saying because, in a group of legitimate adults, it literally doesn't have to be said that a trans mun in a group of trans muns in a RPC filled with trans muns would be intolerant of transphobic assholes.

And, no one likes a damn transphobe, it's not like this stunning, fresh information, here. Not making such a statement does not, in fact, act as a welcome.

Saying that, and I do not mean literally just that, it's just an example of the type of things found in a common DNI, is a little immature for me. Some of those things are, in addition to being purely self-validating: playing into the fear created by policing, virtue signaling, policing, or baiting. And all of them are pointless. Telling someone who would already be bigoted toward you and others to not interact if they somehow miraculously ID as whatever label that takes for them to not interact with your posts is waving a metaphoric red flag in front of a bull. Kind of like tagging a post as either "antis don't interact" or "proshippers don't interact." Actual quickest and most assured way to get that interaction!

I totally understand the age thing, it's self-protecting. Most people do respect it, but when they don't, you've clearly stated that this is not for whatever age group. Things pertaining to your writing and/or muse I also understand and think are great for a quick glance before someone even gets to the rules. Having in a DNI something like "muns who are easily triggered by gore" when you write a horror muse, for instance. You're advising them that this isn't a great idea for them, and it shouldn't be expected that you change your muse and topics because they decided to follow anyway.

But it became excessive very quickly, and there is the expectation that blogs have a DNI. The further expectation is that there be a specific list of things found in that DNI, if yours does not include it, you obviously don't have a problem with those things. I really cannot be okay with that, you know?

However, when it wasn't being used as a callout or a way to police, that was something that could just be ignored. Once URLs of other RPers started to appear, it was a whole other problem.

It used to be the pervading rule of the RPC that it is not alright to force other muns to chose between you and another mun that you had an issue with, but now we have DNIs with other muns' URLs in them. Now, it's the opposite take - if you have an issue with a URL being dropped in a DNI, or if you continue to interact with the mun, you're likely to get a callout or be on the receiving end of other bullying.

So, I very much think the self-insulating thing to do is to avoid those mutuals as well as the RPer with the URL-laden DNI. They could just block you, but is someone who was so juvenile as to put another mun's URL in their damn DNI going to be mature enough to do that? Will their friends once they complain about you? For me, it's too high of a risk of being around muns I wish would take a very long break from RP and only come back once they've grown up some.

I would never advise anyone to do something that is erring on the side of getting them into harassment water unnecessarily (as in, not something that pertains to digging in your heels and writing what you want or not tolerating bullying where you see it happening), and I feel like not doing what you are is that. However, I also am a firm believer in agency, even to make mistakes.

So, if you genuinely feel like blocking mutuals of someone with a URL-dropped/callout/other highly offensive and bullying thing in their DNI is costing you so many chances to RP that you're no longer enjoying yourself here? You might want to consider adjusting how widely you are blocking.

If that's the case, try going for mutuals who are what I call Casual Mutuals and leaving them open. Those are mutuals that the mun doesn't write with often or at all, they're technically mutuals because they both follow each other, but that's it. There might be some liking of posts or even comments or non-committal, OOC style memes sent in by Casual Mutuals, but that interaction is sparse and, yep, casual. These mutuals might legitimately be unaware of the mun's hateful, bullying bullshit in the DNI, or they are actually afraid to unfollow/block them at this point, so their option feels like staying around as quietly as possible.

With that last deal...you could even be doing someone a favor, Anon. When I've encountered that situation before, it's come about because the other person's Casual Mutual is painfully anxious, shy, and a previous victim of bullying. They feel isolated, they don't have many or any writing partners, and they really, truly, are terrified to distance themselves in a way that might be noticed. It's a type of toxic interaction that rarely gets mentioned in PSAs, presumably because it is so low on the actual interaction scale.

Giving them someone else in their corner, especially if that other mun is more open about their intolerant stance on bullying, can go a long way toward giving someone else confidence. I've had other people's Casual Mutuals become my Casual Mutuals and wouldn't you know it? After a while, they get braver. They see my friends and mutuals doing our thing without any of the bullying going on, they see us supporting anti-policing and not tolerating bullying, and they get brave enough to unfollow the hateful mun. It feels nice to even inadvertently help someone, and over the years, some of those Casual Mutuals have become great writing partners, too. People I would have missed if I had made the choice to block them by the association of a hateful mun they were trapped in the orbit of.

Just try to exercise caution! You seem like a reasonable person who doesn't mind truly thinking on things or doing the work required to be cautious. Assume the close mutuals are a problem, too, and block away. Build a wall with some razor wire on it with those blocks! Don't assume the low-interaction, very casual mutuals are, though. Check out their blogs for signs of agreement with Hateful Mun, and if they don't have any, give them a shot as far as just leaving them unblocked goes.

I also have to say, here at the end, that it's extremely nice to see that people out there are doing this. Honestly would have thought I'd be the last person to encourage a ton of blocking, but that's the environment of the RPC now, and it's really the only way we can deal with this issue. You can't reason with these people, you can't stop them, you can only stay away from them for your own good and send a message that this isn't benefiting them. Not everyone agrees with them, they're not going to keep having people left open for their attacks or their RP entertainment. And if enough people are just walling them off, that is a message they'll have to receive because RP runs on interaction with others.

They might think they want every "nasty ass" xyz Problematic RPer to block them, not interact, or vanish from their view of the RPC, but I don't think they realize what that really looks like. What it looks like is a huge percentage of the RPC missing, including people they didn't realize were "problematic." We tend to be quieter, wanting to stay in our own lanes and actually enjoy the hobby and each other. That's why they have to resort to shit like making everyone pre-guilty, or setting up traps to catch people out on being "gross."

So, I genuinely do not think they're prepared for the rude awakening of silence that would happen if we all actually vanished, but I am dying to see it lol and do sometimes have to wonder if the complaints about the RPC being dead/dying/empty, not in a fandom but overall, are coming from the purity police some of the time. It's quite active over on the Leave Folks Alone Over Fiction side of life :D

#answered #anonymous #policing #dni lists #blocking #rp advice #rp problems

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flying-elliska · 4 years

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Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times.

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull.

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season.

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more.

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh.

Meh :

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this.

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential.

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

#skam france #skamfr s6 #lola lecomte #mayla

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that-bookworm-guy · 4 years

Text

2-week Hiatus Post

I've written, rewritten and deleted this post more times than I can count.

If this has posted it means that I'm still not back.

The only things I've come online for are to top up my queue and to write and queue book review posts. On my Twitter the only things that should be posting are the automatic posts from Netgalley as I review books. My Instagram has been silent.

I've just written my post about my 1 week hiatus, which as I stated in the post, is a safety net I like. It makes me feel like I'm not abandoning everything and hopefully it gives extra notice to those who may not have sewn my original break post. So although these posts are a week apart for you, it's been literally minutes for me.

I don't think I've ever written a 2 week post. I've had breaks that have been longer than 2 weeks, but I've always had a rough idea of when I'll be back. I don't know this time. I really don't. I didn't tell anyone directly that I was going on a break. Because I didn't know how to explain things. I just kinda posted the posts and went silent.

So this post is going to be long.

Tw: Hate (and assault??)

If you've been following me for over a month, you may remember I took a break from social media because of the vast amount of hate I was getting on twitter and here. I shouldn't have come back from that so soon, because honestly, the hate on the internet hasn't stopped. It's all over my Twitter feed, hate directed at trans people and even if I block certain words, screenshots keep appearing of things people have said.

Before my last break, I woke up one day to my Twitter inbox full of vile hate. Towards trans people in general and towards me. I mean vile, horrible messages with vivid descriptions of things. In my half asleep crying state I didn't block or screenshot any of them. I just deleted them. I wanted them gone. It took me hours because every time I thought I got to the end, I refreshed and there were more. I was a mess.

I was getting hate on here too. I had to step back.

I came back a week or two later feeling a bit better. But fully aware that i was pushing myself to regain some kind of normality.

Then everything kicked off again, but this time just on my Twitter feed. If you've been on twitter you may know what I'm on about. I've unfollowed people, blocked others but screen shots kept appearing on my dash and people were replying to hate messages which put them on my feed.

Then I got a hate message on here and something in my snapped. I cried and cried and wrote an impulsive rant on twitter about I'm going on another break.

I haven't reread the thread but I wrote that I'll delete it when I got back, so it's still there. I also wrote about the fact I've been a terrible friend to people because I've been isolating myself. It's something I do when I know I'm getting bad again. In a way, I want no one to notice what's happening. In another, I'm afraid that if they see me in this state, I'll be rejected. So I isolate.

So I went on a break.

In March I started running to help with my mental health. In May I had to stop due to injury and something else, which I won't discuss. But it meant going back to running was going to be hard for me.

But I decided i needed to go for a walk at least because I hadn't left the house since early May.

I had been out for half an hour when I noticed 3 men behind me. They had been behind me for a few minutes but I thought nothing of it because I was walking down the back streets (I live in a village/ small town. The back streets are just road with houses either side but it's not a proper road. It's mostly used by walkers). I know these streets very well.

But then the men started to comment on what I was wearing (gym clothing, that are men’s wear, which I know isn't important but I thought of wearing something else but didn’t) and commenting on my body. Then they started to question if I was a boy or girl. Things got nasty quickly. I didn't reply, didn't turn around and didn't run. I was taught to do these things. I was playing pokemon go and the men had commented on this so I was scared to try and take their photo or call someone.

Because I didn't answer and i can only assume they saw my beard and nail varnish or maybe my body shape, they started to yell transaphobic things at me as well as sexual comments on my body, guessing what I had under my clothing. I keep telling myself that there is no way they could have known that I was trans, that they were just hoping to get a reaction, and when they didn't, they tried harder.

They threw rocks at me. I have cuts and bruises over my back, legs, arms and something hit me in the back of the head. But I didn't run because I couldn't risk them chasing me. So instead I continued walking like nothing was happening. I tried to show no fear as I could feel a panic attack building. But I didn't know how they would react if I reacted.

They yelled things calling me scum, an abomination, that I should kill myself or they could do that for me. They told me no one would miss me. Tr*nny waste of space. They followed me for a while until I turned onto a main road. Then one of them said that I wasn't worth it and they turned back on themselves.

Mum says there is no way they could have known I was trans, that I look masculine.But I don't think my body does. I had my hood up and was dressed all in black. But my clothing was actually my size instead of being 3 sizes too big. I don't know. I keep thinking what I did wrong. Why I didn't blend in.... Why I didn't pass as a cis male. What I did to be a target when I didn't say a single word to them.

My dad keeps telling me I was assaulted and that it's a hate crime. I'm not sure what it was....

But mixed with the online hate and whatever it was with the 3 men, I want to do nothing but lay in bed, read and cry, as pathetic as that sounds. But right now, everything is a little bit too much.

I know I need to do something other than hide. But right now that’s all I want to do. I have no energy to be bright and bold and to be proud of who I am.

I know I have to deal with this sooner or later. But right now I pick later.

I don't know when I'll feel okay talking to people, even those close to me. I love and adore you, you all know who you are, but I'm sorry, I can't hold a conversation right now.

Honestly, I want to pretend I don't exist right now. That I'm not real. Which is why I'm reading a lot, because at least then I'm not me.

I love this blog. I love the people I’ve met. I work hard to create content and i genuinely adore what I do here, even if no one else does. Which is why I want to explain why I need to step back right now. Because I don't know, something in my head is telling me that if I didn't write a reason, then I'm abandoning this blog, which I know is stupid. A few weeks or months away isn't going to mean my blog disappears. But this blog and the people on here means a lot to me.

I'm keeping my queue going and I've been writing book reviews to post so it won't even feel like I've gone. I'm sorry I'm not replying to messages or asks, but right now, I can't. I will as soon as I come back properly (not just to update queue). I really hope you all understand.

I'll be back at some point. Maybe a few days after this has posted, or a few weeks, but I just don't know how long. I'm sorry.

I'll be okay, I just need to work through this and some other stuff so I'm not constantly having a breakdown.

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blarfkey · 4 years

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director’s cut, director’s choice of ⭐️Dear Fen’Harel⭐️? (Though generally speaking, I’m intensely curious as to how you develop characters because everyone you write is so brilliantly layered)

So um, this exploded. And I apologize. I am very much a character-driven writer versus a plot-driver writer. Also, how I develop characters is not a process I think about, it just happens, so this is also me finding out for myself how my own brain works, haha. If you want the full fucking three page essay this turned into, there’s more under the cut.

If not, and I don’t blame you, TLDR: I break a canon character down to their parts based on what I see in-game, I look at how their personal quest affects them, and I try to find a modern day equivalent to that. Each character has an issue they need to get past and I create situations to challenge those issues. And Ellana was created to be a foil for Solas and I dumped all my negative traits into her because neither she nor I can afford therapy so this is our best bet.

First of all, developing characters in fanfic is different than OC characters because I have a pre-set personality to work with rather than making someone from scratch. So for this, Ellana’s development is different from the rest of the cast.

For fanfic characters, obviously I look at the source material and see how they’ve reacted to certain situations and what they have canonically expressed about themselves in both deed and word. Honestly, I pay more attention to what they have DONE versus what they have SAID because a lot of characters tend to fool themselves into thinking they’re one way when they’re not (here’s looking at you, Solas).

Because DF is a modern AU, I take what I have seen in Canon (which is a lot because Bioware is very good at giving so much material to work with having all those different dialogue trees) and I apply it to the Modern Day. Some characters fit very easily – Dorian was made for Academia. Krem seems a more modern character anyway with how he constantly roasts Iron Bull. Josephine’s prowess in DA:I translates very easily to political science. Varric kind of has a modern writer’s career anyway.

Some are not easy – Solas is actually super hard for me to write in DF than he is in Thick as Thieves because so much of his characterization, his world views, his prejudices, are rooted in the fact that he is an ancient being out of time – which is impossible to have in this AU. I have crafted a sort of back story for him that might explain some things later, but it’s flimsy at best, haha.

So I’ve had to really look at what Solas is like in Inquisition when he’s pretending to be a “normal” hedge mage hermit from nowhere and how he behaves in his romance and extract from that. Solas is a nerd, he’s socially awkward from self-imposed isolation, he constantly struggles with what he wants and what is the morally correct thing to do and the temptation to be loved usually wins out over his convictions until the last second when he gets his common sense back and ruins everything.

It helps that in both DA and DF Solas is keeping a massive, massive secret from the Inquisitor about his identity that will shift the power balance between the two, so I’ve used that to guide me when I’m unsure. He still feels off to me, but it’s whatever at this point, lol. I did my best.

Once I’ve boiled a character down to their usual traits, I figure out how I’m going to have them grow throughout the fic and use their growth to help Ellana’s growth. I try to pull from their personal quests as much as I can, when I can get it to fit.

Some people, like Iron Bull, are static because they’ve already gone through their journey and have reached acceptance. I didn’t really know how to work his Leaving the Qun story line in the modern day, since it is tied so closely with war and potentially killing the Chargers, so by the time Ellana meets him, he has already left the Qun and made his peace with it. I use his static nature to help guide Ellana when she’s conflicted about her identity.

Some people, like Josephine, have personal quests that don’t fit with a modern era but I want to show them grow anyway, so I create something else for them. Right now, Josephine is mired in family drama and trying to figure out how to balance shouldering the weight of her responsibilities to her family with being her own person. That I drew from my own personal experience with being the only sane person in my family with their shit together, haha.

Or Cassandra, who is definitely NOT going to be Divine here, lol. So instead she gets to struggle with her art and how she can express herself in a way that leaves her vulnerable to scrutiny and yet can be so freeing.

Some people, like Krem, get a character arc that I think should have been explored but never was. Krem being trans is something that’s mentioned and talked about a little and never explored. I mean, he’s not a main character, so I get it. And I liked that Being Trans wasn’t his entire character. But there was no way to put him in the modern AU without his trans identity impacting some of his story and growth, even if he had already made his peace with it.

Now, I will say this upfront: I am not trans, and I haven’t had the opportunity to be close friends with a trans person, but I have done a lot of research on what trans people have said about their own experiences, and combined this with other research I’ve done over the years with other minorities and tried to put together what could be lingering insecurities for him and how he could overcome them.

I’m definitely not saying that I’ve done this perfectly and I’m always open to any trans reader who would give me correction, but being trans was not an aspect of Krem’s character that I wanted to ignore just because I wasn’t familiar with it.

I will say that his romance with Josephine was Not Planned. It just kinda happened and I happily ran with it, haha.

Varric’s arc with Bianca is just wishful thinking because I hate her so so much and Bioware just dropped that bomb in Varric’s lap and then just lets him keep holding on to it and it’s bullshit.

The other character journeys are just ways to explore vulnerability in them that I didn’t think got enough attention in the game or I think they could realistically have even if it wasn’t in canon. Like Dorian dealing with his father. Now, in the game, Halward doesn’t have a disease and he dies unexpectedly. But I wanted Dorian to have a realistic reason why he would reach other to his estranged father in this AU and a ticking countdown to an inevitable death seemed right.

Now we get to see Dorian really struggle with this new-found connection with his father that he always wanted to have and now it’s temporary and heartbreak is inevitable and is it still worth it to him? I think Dorian has similar feelings in Trespasser when he found out his father was murdered because he still invested himself to rebuild a lost connection, only to lose it so soon after.

Zevran’s past with the Crows is also something that I really wanted to explore because in the game he is sad for a hot second and then moves on with the Warden and his newfound goal of destroying the entire Crow organization. So I wanted to see Zevran struggle with his inner worth, the fact that he can’t hide forever and his past puts his loved ones in danger, the fact that he can even HAVE loved ones and how it scares the shit out of him. I wanted to have a character who puts on such a good front about not giving a shit about anything to hide how very deeply afraid he is. We are going to see more of this also before the story is over, lol.

Now, Ellana. Like all original characters, Ellana has a lot my personal experiences tied in her. But I originally created Ellana to fill a need for a type of character that I wanted to see with Solas and don’t really get to. I mean, I have not scourged the corners of the internet to find it so I’m sure there are other characters like her, but I haven’t found very many.

I see a lot of very beautiful, very delicate and feminine, very kind and gentle Disney Princess kind of Lavellans. I see a LOT of them. And I don’t hate that necessarily. I mean, Josephine is all of those things and more and I adore her and I sort of crack ship her with Solas anyway, in the secret recesses of my heart. And I love seeing a female character who is the epitome of a “weak” female use those “weak” traits to succeed.

But I am also not very beautiful, I am NOT delicate at all, I’m not gentle. I am not anywhere close to a Disney Princess or a Josephine. And it was disheartening to see Solas romance all these Ocs that were nothing like me after a while because it kind of gave me the message that someone like Solas, a character that I admire and def have a fictional crush on, would never want someone who looks like me or acts like me. That even with unlimited freedom in creating a romantic counterpart for him, I saw so much of what society already reinforces as an ideal that I will never match up to. It doesn’t help that Bioware’s body diversity for elves ranges is nonexistent.

So I made Ellana for me. Not because I want to hate on other Ocs or prove that mine is superior, but so that I would have something that I connected to. And I wanted to explore a dynamic with Solas that I didn’t get to see very often.

So when I first imagined Ellana, I wanted her to be strong and tall and muscular and powerful in a way that makes a lot of unenlightened men uncomfortable. I wanted somebody used to manual labor and dirt and the outdoors and solving problems with their fists and just totally unrefined because I wanted her to be the complete opposite of Solas. (So like Cassandra but in elf form, haha).

I did not want her to be soft or conventionally attractive at all. Ellana doesn’t shun femininity, because I don’t think femininity is inherently wrong, but she is uncomfortable with it and she doesn’t indulge in it.

(Just FYI I am NOT built like Ellana at all either, haha. This is the wish fulfillment part of the OC. I greatly resemble the dwarves, which is why I love them so much.)

But I also needed her to have a reason to leave home, and to have some points of commonality with Solas, so I made her a nerd. A jocky nerd who is insatiably curious and stubbornly independent. And then because I wanted Ellana to feel like a real person instead just a wish fulfillment fantasy, I needed her to grow. So I gave her all my complicated anger issues, my bluntness, my struggles with homesickness, the way I compartmentalize negative events in my life so I don’t have to deal with them just so they can bite me in the ass later, my experiences of going from a lifestyle where all my needs were met and I was oblivious to how great I had it to living with serious poverty for the first time.

And then I devised situations with her life and the other characters where Ellana has to confront these issues and learn to accept them and either move past them or learn to control them. Sometime she gains wisdom and imparts it to people like Sera or Dorian when their struggles come up. And her biggest challenge has yet to arrive, so she’s still cooking, so to speak. Ellana still has a long way to go before she really reaches maturity.

As far as her relationship with Solas goes, I wanted her to challenge him and give him a total upheaval everything he thought he knew about his own culture and his own self. And I wanted him to do the same for her. And then when all the pieces are done falling, they have grown into two people who can handle being together.

So that’s basically it. If there is any character in particular you want to know more about or why I made certain decisions, always feel free to ask!

#asks #dear fenharel #my fic

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boyinjeans · 5 years

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Hi yes I’m dying right now can I get a Tedgens fic where Henry can? Not? Sleep? And goes to grab coffee so he can work where surprise surprise he finds Ted, angst/fluff ensues, your pick. Bonus points if nightmares are included.

yeah! sorry i just saw this, i’ve been busy lol. also trans!henry bc i’m projecting and i’m sad today lol

also tw/ d*ke and tr*nny used :/ uh fuck chad lmao

HENRY

It’s been years since I’ve gotten consistently decent sleep. Every now and again I can catch a wink or two, but most nights I survive off of coffee and maybe four hours of sleep. I know it’s unhealthy, but I can stop at any time. It’s just anxiety and probably ADHD, not insomnia or anything serious.

Emma’s been getting on my ass about sleeping lately because I’ve been quite... distant in class. I decided I would humor her and go to sleep at a decent time, but honestly I don’t think it’ll do much good for me. When I do sleep long enough to dream, I have nightmares. Sleeping just isn’t something I need to do. Not really anyways.

Regardless, here I am, lying in bed, trying to sleep. It’s about three am, and I’m still awake. Maybe I do have insomnia. So I take some NyQuil and lie down again, much more comfortable than before, and I find myself drifting off in no time.

Only I wake up again. In my college dorm. For a moment I’m very confused because I look down at myself at see a binder and my pre-T body. I inhale sharply thinking that it was all a dream, I’m not a professor, I haven’t transitioned fully, I don’t have friends or happiness or anything. I’m back in college and completely closeted to everyone except... Greg. And Steve. And Stu. And Mark. And Leighton. But not Chad.

I remember that I was planning to come out to him today. So I get out of bed and get dressed—he really thinks I’m just a tomboy, living in the boys’ dorms and dressing like a guy and acting like one. God is he clueless—and make my way to him dorm.

He answers the door shirtless and scans me up and down, a cute little smirk on his face. I see Mark and Leighton in the corner of the room, playing some board game, and they both give me a thumbs up. I smile and exhale. I can do this.

“Hey, Chad, can we talk?”

“Uh-oh, that sounds scary.” He laughs.

“No, not scary. Just important. Let’s go inside.”

We sit on the bed and I feel a rock settle in my stomach. This is Chad, I think. He loves me. He won’t react badly. I mean, it’s 2008, the world is a little more accepting now.

“What’s up Hayley?”

“Actually,” I gulp. I watch as Mark and Leighton discreetly leave the room. I wish they wouldn’t go. “My name is Henry.”

“What? Like a dude?” He laughs a bit. “C’mon, Hayley, that’s d*key.”

“No, it’s not. Because I’m not a girl, Chad. The guys already know and—“

“And they didn’t tell me?” Chad yells and stands up. “This all makes sense now. You’re a fucking tranny. God am I a dumbass. Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Chad, babe—“ I stand, but he slaps me and I fall to the bed.

“You know you’re just a confused little girl right? I never should have gotten mixed up with a freshman. I should’ve fucking known.” He grabs my arm and throws me towards the door. I land on my arm and hear a sickening crack. “Get the fuck out.”

“I—“

“Out!” Chad barrels towards me, but before he reaches me, I shoot up in bed, heaving and sweating, tears running down my face.

This is why I don’t sleep.

I check the time—4:52—and figure I can go to the coffee shop. They open in 8 minutes anyways. Emma should be working. It’ll be nice to see her.

It’s strange. I never have nightmares about the Apotheosis or the accident or familial deaths. It’s always about Chad. Sometimes he inches his way into my mind, so slowly that I barely notice, and before I know it, I’m missing him. No, not him, I’m missing the feeling of happiness he gave me. The happiness was always fleeting though, especially as he would always say things that put me down. Made me feel like shit.

I try not to think about him now.

When I get to Beanie’s, it’s 5:12 and I’m shaking like a small, annoying dog. I probably look manic, and honestly I feel as if I am. I’m just glad I’m not dreaming anymore, or maybe I am, because my nightmare felt terribly real.

I order quickly from Emma, but she notices something is wrong. She grabs my hand and calls me Henry—she knows it grounds me—and I try to meet her eyes but I can’t.

“I couldn’t sleep, Emma. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I’ll see you in class,” I try to turn around but her grip on my hand is tight.

“Henry. Stay here. I know you don’t have class until 10. I’ll be here. Just sit on your laptop and try to calm down. Coffee’s on the house today.” I open my mouth to protest but she beats me to it. “No ifs, ands, or buts.”

“Fine,” I grumble. That’s something I like about myself. My voice. Like velvetine, Ted once told me.

“Henry?” Speak of the devil. “I haven’t seen you since—“

“The Apotheosis?” I deadpan. Ted takes a seat across from me, and as much as I hate to admit it, he calms me down. He’s not like Chad. Not at all. Chad was sweet and sour and transphobic. Ted is an asshole with a secret soft side, a sex addiction, and an open mind.

“I’ve missed you,” he says honestly.

“You could have visited.”

“Well, I just, yknow—“

“Was over it?” I say bitterly.

Ted kind of left me high and dry. Once we were saved, we had to move out of Hatchetfield until it was clear. Most of us moved back, save Bill and his family. Charlotte moved too, to god knows where. Emma is finishing up college here, and then she and Paul are starting a pot farm in Colorado. I’m proud of her.

After we moved back, Ted just kind of dropped me. And I still don’t know why. Sure, we were never “official”—it always felt childish to label our relationship seeing as we were both middle aged men—but we sure as hell weren’t just a fling. Or maybe we were, and I was getting mixed signals. I never got over it, I just tried to forget it. I never go where he tends to go, and I never want to sleep in my old room because the sheets still smell like him.

Another reason I can’t sleep much.

“No, no no no no, I just—I-I don’t know.” Ted doesn’t stutter. “I don’t know, Henry. I was—“

“Why are you here so early? I always come here around this time to—“ avoid you. “—get a head start and you’re never here.”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me either.”

It’s quiet for a moment.

“I’m sorry.” He’s earnest.

“Okay.” I’m not.

Ted’s gaze holds mine for awhile before I have to look away. I know I’m blushing because he’s smirking to himself thinking that he’s still got me wrapped around his finger. And he does. It’s bullshit. Maybe it’s because I’m so isolated and I’m just clinging to him out of touch deprivation and loneliness, but part of me feels like I would be clinging to him regardless. I’m not clingy, either.

“I was scared, okay?” He sighs. I don’t say anything, prompting him to continue. Scared of what, dumbass? I’m a walking fortress of safety. “Weirdly enough I didn’t want to lose you, so I pushed you away. I was afraid what we had was a heat of the moment thing. Like, we’re going to die! Might as well hook up with this dude. I’ve since realized how idiotic I am. But I never said anything because... you’re kind of hard to track down, yknow? And I thought showing up to your house would be too much and calling or texting would be too little, so...” he huffs. “Here we are. By chance.”

I’m not sure what he wants me to say. I’m angry at him for pulling a me and isolating himself, but I also empathize because I understand where he’s coming from. What a dumbass, though, honestly. I clung to him like a fucking koala every night and he didn’t realize how much I liked him.

“I thought the cuddling and forehead kisses kind of made it obvious it was more than a Doomsday Hookup to me,” I mumble.

“Oh.” He smiles a bit. “I’m glad—I’m glad you—I—shit. Do you wanna come over? Not to fuck, I just... I miss holding you,” he says quietly. “I really miss you Henry.”

I grab his hand. “Don’t run away again.”

“I won’t.”

#tedgens fic #tedgens #ted richards/henry hidgens #tgwdlm #the guy who didn't like musicals #ask and ye shall receive #tedgens asks

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minj112 · 5 years

Text

On this day, late in the month of July, I have now tread upon this earth for twenty-two years.

For this time I have learned, grown, suffered, and loved.

I have moved seventeen times, resided in North Carolina, Idaho, Florida, Alaska, and Germany. I will move yet again in less than a month from now.

I have grown from a firstborn only child, to the eldest of seven.

I have been homeless more than once, and have grown up in a state of poverty (in terms of a US socioeconomic level).

I have lived in and left the religion of my childhood.

I have started anew, self-named. I came out as trans and bi, and was forced back into secrecy.

I came out again, I cut ties.

Those who did not accept me, my family, decided to be more tolerant, and have begun to accept me. However they only did so for fear of losing me, and I worry they still do not accept me in their hearts.

On occasion I hear the words of my youngest siblings, away from the ears of others, and they tell me what I think are the true feelings many in my family have.

They sometimes call me by the name I threw away, when they should have been too young to remember it. They tell me about church and then add that my name isn't my 'real name'. They say I am only pretending to be a girl, and that I am not actually one. Most frightening, they repeat the words of the curch, and those that my parents once said, that I am wrong and this is sinning.

I decided to hold on to them, to all of my siblings. I fear for them. They have been brainwashed like I once was, and need a supportive older sister to go to when they can not go to my parents.

One has, two have. They are the next oldest, but have shared with me things that they would not be able to say to them.

I have loved. Many girlfriends and boyfriends have loved me, and I loved them in return. Many were sad partings, where I moved far away and left them behind while we still loved each other. Others became my friends whom I am still quite close with. Some, I was overwhelmed with, and got scared. I never said anything, and just left.

There was also one who loved me while I did not love them. I am sad to say what I did to them, but I was cruel. I dated them for a time, let them get more attached, then dissapeared. I played with their feelings and threw them away. Worse, I told them I would leave, and knew that they would miss me. I could see the pain in their heart, and it made me happy for a time, knowing someone would feel that strongly, knowing that they would miss me and love me for a long time after I left. Knowing it would be difficult for them to move on. I enjoyed it. Now, I know it was wrong and mean. I know I feel a small amount of guilt, but I also don't feel that sorry or apologetic. That kind of scares me.

I have broken more than once. Working two jobs and going to uni full time was too much. That was about two years ago. I stopped my classes. I didn't clean, or cook. I didn't take care of myself, and Isolated myself. I was depressed, and hurt myself, I cut. I sometimes wanted to take my life, and had different methods and drawings. The only thing that kept me going were my goals and dreams. To live in Germany, to live in Japan, for at least a while. I only worked, because without money, I wouldn't be able to escape.

I came to Germany, and have been living here since. I cannot stay. I move next month and will go back home. I learned more about myself. My dreams, what I am good at, my faults, my oh so many faults.

I realized it is very very likely that I have innatentive type adhd. I am learning about it. Before I did not want to even think of mental health, did not try to understand even though I could feel like there is something different about my mind than from most others. I only realized this when I lived with a different family. The way my family is, is not typical. It is not usual to not be able to focus on anything, or to be superfocused on interesting things. It is actually possible for some people to do chores and homework normally and to have regular sleep cycles. People can actually be punctual without needing to stuggle intensly about everything. I never had that, my family never had that, but to us it was normal.

I want to understand now. I want to learn about me. I am still scared and afraid for the future. Money is always a problem. I want to save enough to go back to school and finish the last year before my bachlors. I also want to restart. Come back to Germany, with enough money to survive, to live, and restart uni where I will not go into debt, and to do something I enjoy. I also want to do an apprenticeship, and learn something well that I can do for life. I want job security, not with a particular position in a company, but to be able to always get a job due to my knowledge and experience.

I fear poverty, I fear debt. I am 15k usd in the hole for uni. That was for my last year. One year. I should have got out earlier. I can not function, can not live with myself if I know my education will bring me into debt. I know what debt does, I know how it can ruin a home, a family, stability, and I am afraid of it. I will not let myself go more into debt, I will not allow it.

I want financial stability. I want to be able to live without the fear of not being able to provide for myself, then I want to help others to do the same. I want to be able to help other people, but I can't when I am struggling to even live.

I also do not want to feel lonely again. To not only have a lover, but to find friends. I hate being alone, and make sure I always at least have a significant other, even if they are not the best fit for me because it is so much worse to be alone. Even so, I am still lonely.

I still need to live in Japan, to go there. At the very least I must do that.

All of these muddled thoughts, these dreams, and fears, and aspirations, and worries are my birthday wish.

Happy birthday to me.

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robin-blogs · 3 years

Text

18.02.2021 – The Selfie and the Singularity of the Self Portrait

This weeks Art History Lecture was about The Selfie and the Singularity of the Self Portrait. In the beginning of this lecture Juliet started to talk about Sigmund Freud; an Austrian Neurologist and the founder of psychoanalysis; who claimed that heterosexuality is normal, and homosexuality is deviating from the norm. I immediately had a reaction when hearing this, as to me, there isn’t such a thing as ‘normal’. There isn’t a ‘default’ or ‘normal’ sexuality, there are just peoples reinforced social norms of what people’s sexualities should be. Its something I’ve seen my whole life and I’ve experienced personally through my childhood. When growing up my parents and those around me immediately assumed I was a straight, heterosexual feminine girl. When, I’m practically the complete opposite. This was their idea of a ‘normal’ girl and didn’t give me the option of being anything else. I was never taught about being gay or queer or any part of the LGBTQ+ Community, not even in school. The first time I knew anything about the LGBTQ+ Community was when I was in High School. This was before I realised, I was trans, so at the time I still identified as a heterosexual woman. I was talking to a girl and we got to being friends, except it felt more than that, and the only other time I felt this way was when I was dating boys. But I was confused, I didn’t know women could date other women, so after confessing feelings to one another, we started dating. It felt weird, but also good. We didn’t openly tell people about our relationship since we didn’t know how people would react, but socially she was much stronger than me. When we would go outside, we would hold hands, and one time two boys came by on bikes and I quickly let go of her hand out of fear. She reassured me it would be okay, and we kept holding hands as the two boys kept following behind us asking if we were dating or if we were lesbians and kept laughing as they followed. Eventually they left, but it was the first time I experienced being treated differently for my sexuality, just because it wasn’t considered socially ‘normal’. Although this was also the first time someone taught me to stand up for myself and showed me to not be afraid of who I am and who I love. Another time throughout my childhood, I remember always being shown that any boy I’m around could be my boyfriend, but any girl could never be considered anything else but a friend. Even when I was very young, I remember family members saying things like “oooh, I think he’s interested in you!” or “Aww they would be adorable together”. When interacting with boys they were never considered just friends, they always had to be more than that so I could seem cute or normal to my family. This is where many people get their idea of normal, from their upbringing. I was never taught I could date women, or that I could be anything else but a cisgender heterosexual woman. But now, being near 20, my idea of normal is being an openly Queer Pansexual Trans Man, nothing like what I was taught from when I was born. And as a result of it, I often never feel normal, I feel isolated and alienated from certain spaces and communities because I’m not considered normal. I’m queer, so how could I fit into any cisgender heterosexual spaces without sticking out like a sore thumb? Because I have to act differently in front of cisgender heterosexual spaces to have any hope of fitting in. I can’t be myself in front of them, I won’t be considered normal. After going on this tangent, I decided I would create a series of my own self portraits that show my ideas of my own personal normality inspired by the ideas and composition of Zanele Muholi’s, Only Half The Picture series of photography.

This is my normal (2021) [Photograph]

One of the pieces shown throughout the lecture was a piece of photography by Francesca Woodman. Within this piece she is laying down naked on the floor as her body curls around and imitates the position of the eel placed within the bowl. The bowl is composed to be nearly in the centre of the piece as she has composed herself to be curled around the bowl going from the bottom mid-section showing her thighs and contorting around to meet her hand in the mid-section of the left side of the piece. Overall, her body feels contorted as if she isn’t in control of her limbs as her body conforms to an awkward, contorted state reflecting that of the eel beside her. As mentioned before, the eel within the bowl as the specific composition to be centred near the exact middle of the piece. As a result, this makes the eel the main focal point of the piece which is further shown by having Woodman’s body specifically shaped around the bowl, mimicking its posture. Furthermore, Woodman’s face isn’t shown within this piece which is considered to be the focal point of the human body whether in a painting or photograph. To me this further shows that Woodman isn’t intended to be the main point here, but rather the eel is. When first looking at the eel it reminded me of the snake from Adam and Eve, in which the snake represents temptation and tells Eve to take the forbidden fruit ((apple)) from the Tree of Knowledge. This goes against God’s wishes of telling them to take anything from the garden except the forbidden fruit. Although within this piece the eel is shown as being still and unmoving similarly to the position of Woodman. This piece doesn’t feel like its trying to show temptation at all, it shows submission and loss of control. I personally find this piece to be very intriguing and inspiring for how it shows the female form and how she deliberately didn’t make herself the centre of attention, she isn’t the focal point here, the eel is.

Overall, I only found Woodman’s photography piece to be the most interesting out of all those shown within the lecture. I found analysing and looking more into the piece visually such as how the composition of the piece added to its impact to be interesting and enjoyable to write and learn about. In conclusion, I enjoyed learning more about self-portraiture within this lecture along with exploring my own side of it through my personal life.

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 3 years

Note

1/6 Hi! Im the questioning bi enby anon that is afraid of having ruined their life by questioning lol What can I do if there are no ways to chat to a professional online without spending money (im not economically independent) in my area? I dont live in the US and everything seems to be there. Aside from the pandemic, im not ready to go to any group in person yet. I’m very distressed about my queerness, to the point where it’s difficult to concentrate on other things like study.

2/6Part of me hopes this is not real and im just imagining things.I do have a therapist, but one time she made a weird comment about tinder including multiple sexualities so I never felt good about telling her about my possible bisexuality, but now things have escalated and im having suicidal thoughts in regards of my gender. I talked to an online friend about this but ofc these are things that exceeds him

3/6 i dont want to act on my thoughts, but im tired of having them so I considered talking to my therapist about this and see if she can relocate me with a gender therapist or something (and telling my parents something else) but im not sure if that’s a good idea

4/6 i do keep a journal and a private blog, but sometimes putting my thoughts there doesn’t make me feel better and I struggle to find the words to what im feeling. It used to help me a lot for other things, but for some reason is not as effective for this

5/6 i have joined a group online for nonbinary people but we cant talk about things regarding suicide and it seems like most ppl are more chill about these things that I am and sometimes it makes me feel worse to be in a group because it reminds me that I probably dont fit in standard society. I hate being sad about this.

6/6 so my questions are basically if there is somewhere i can talk to in chat without being US exclusive or requiring money and if it’s a good idea to tell my therapist about this even if she may have some prejudices. Honestly I dont know what to do, i want my life back lol (Tiger answered my previous ask, if they can answer this too it would be nice. If anyone else has something to say its welcome)

Hi anon. Have you actually told your therapist about your suicidal thoughts, if not about the cause of them? I think you do need to talk to a professional about these thoughts, ideally someone who is at least sympathetic towards queer people (if not queer themself) and qualified to address the suicidal thoughts with you (though obviously someone with experience of dealing with suicidal thoughts stemming from sexuality/gender related issues would be best, but may not be possible to find easily). Since you do already have a therapist I think she should at least be your starting point for this. Even if perhaps she doesn’t really understand queer identities she should at least be able to talk through the suicidal thoughts more with you and if she is not able to address the gender/sexuality issues specifically herself perhaps she can point you in the direction of those who are more understanding about those issues specifically (and if she is outright bigoted and unhelpful about this then she’s not a good therapist and you really need a better one but hopefully that won’t be the case, she may well be just lacking an understanding of other identities currently. Lots of people do make vaguely offensive comments about queer identities but because they’re ignorant not because they’re actually hateful).

Also I don’t want to pry too much but are your suicidal thoughts purely coming from your gender/sexuality issues or are there other things too? Other issues that you’re trying to deal with too, or mental health issues, something like depression or anxiety that may itself be causing or contributing to the suicidal thoughts? Because I’m certainly no expert in dealing with these things despite my own issues but if there are other issues in play here then those may need managing (or managing differently to the way they’re being managed currently) in addition to addressing the issues you’re experiencing specifically in regard to your gender/sexuality issues. Again I think that is something your therapist is going to be best placed to address, whether she can deal with it herself or needs to direct you to someone else.

I’m afraid I don’t really know very much myself about what kind of resources there are for people to access, about either specifically queer issues or suicidal thoughts and especially when I don’t know what country you are in. Where actually are you, anon? Unfortunately a lot of things will be US-centric or US-only, but most countries must have some kind of resources for queer people as well as broader support for suicidal people generally. (If anyone does have suggestions for those kind of things that may help anon then please add to this.)

If it helps, you definitely aren’t alone and you aren’t the only one to have issues with or related to your orientation or gender or to feel isolated from ‘standard society’. Maybe it feels like you’re the only one like this but I promise you, you’re not, all of us who don’t fit the ‘norms’ and the ‘standards’ of wider society are probably going to feel excluded or isolated or invisible because of this at some point and feel varying levels of anguish over this. And while many people are chill about their gender or sexuality and some people it’s true never really experience any issues with them, many aren’t really that chill about it at all and only appear so on the surface, or many only become happier and accepting and able to embrace their identities after doing a huge amount of questioning and worrying and stressing out and having to seek help and support from others. And many people are going to be happy about it sometimes and then experience issues at other times, they’re not going to be constantly happy. Also many of your issues related to gender are probably very similar to many binary trans people’s issues and experiences. I know that there is still a lot of erasure of and even bigotry towards non-binary people even within parts of the wider trans community but overall I think there is more understanding and acceptance than erasure and bigotry there, so don’t think you automatically have to limit yourself to non-binary specific groups and communities because there is often huge amounts of overlap between non-binary and binary trans people’s experiences and in some ways they can be practically identical.

My main advice really anyway is try to talk to your therapist about this, she is there to help you and even if she may not feel able to deal with your specific issues herself she still has an obligation to help you and she should be able to guide you towards someone who is better placed to deal with them.

- Tiger

#suicide mention #Anonymous

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feralhogs · 4 years

Note

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want.

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up...

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them.

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w h y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

#chatty #notthecanadianaverage #bug

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autismserenity · 7 years

Text

are aces lgbt?

The exclusionist argument always seems to boil down to, “I don’t hear aces describing any experiences I relate to, so they’re not lgbt.”

I think we’re going about this backwards.

If that’s the way people want to define it, we should be listing things that are obviously examples of “lgbt” oppression,” like • being kicked out, • getting raped by someone who wants to change your sexual orientation, not just because you said no or because misogyny, • harassed at church, work, or school, • being threatened with or sent to conversion therapy, etc.,

and then seeing if aces also experience them.

Sorry, I put kind of a lot of examples of these in the first section. It was really hard to restrain myself because there were just SO MANY. I tried not to do 5 examples for every single one at least....

Step 1: what kind of oppression do lgbt+ people experience?

• 30% more harassment, 221% more sexual assault, 100% more intimate partner violence, and 277% more stalking than straight people.

conversion therapy and rejection at church

1. “I was sent [to conversion therapy by my church] to be barraged [with] self doubt and shame until I became afraid to even look at the same gender.... The distinction is often made that [conversion therapy would] be 'against your will’ but that isn’t nearly as cut and dry as it sounds. When you are publicly shamed by your congregation (if 'accused’ in a religious setting) you may very well agree to conversion therapy as your only option. Especially if your a minor like I was. ”

2. “When a preacher found out [about my sexual orientation] he recommended conversion therapy – even before i had come out as pan or trans.... guess who was told by members of their church to go to hell when they came out...? Me!”

3. “So, I’m a Christian. Was raised by and still live with a super conservative Christian family. Babysit for a super conservative Christian small group. Live in a super conservative Christian neighbourhood. Went to a super conservative Christian summer camp literally every summer of my life.

“Basically I’ve met a lot of conservative Christians.... [What they tell me is people like me] are ‘unnatural’. That it’s a shame they’ll never be able to fulfill their ‘God given duty’ AKA get married and create lots of little conservative Christians. That they’re sick and should be treated so they can experience true happiness some day AKA marriage and creating lots of little conservative Christians.”

4. “I'm a victim of corrective assault, been threatened with conversion therapy, been forced to medicate to ‘fix’ my sexuality and been threatened by pastors of my church. I'm just so upset.”

5. “[My mom] believes its a mental issue and wants me to start corrective therapy Monday. Why can't she just accept me as me, why do I need ‘fixed’"

corrective rape

1. “[When we talk about corrective rape], we’re talking about the so-called friend, the ex boyfriend, who I got along with just fine after we stopped trying to date, right up until he cornered me outside of Prom. We’re talking about the guy who’d been told by someone else I considered a friend all about [me questioning my sexual orientation]. Who kept oh-so-considerately telling me that he was doing this for my sake, that after I understood how good it felt, I’d be normal.”

2. “my ex-boyfriend... decided to trick me into drinking, manipulate me emotionally, and force me into sexual situations after I came out to him because he thought he could fix me and didn’t stop even after multiple failed attempts.”

3. “[my rope partner] decided to trick me into drinking, manipulate me emotionally, and force me into sexual situations after I came out to him because he thought he could convince me I wasn’t.”

4. “When I came out [to my mum], she starting to force me to date girls so I would have sex with them (to 'fix' me) and even took me to the doctors and my endocrinologist to get my hormones checked since she was convinced there was something really wrong with me.”

5. “He started by pressuring me assuming it was a mental health issue, he already knew I had many, he assumed if I had adequate access to counselling I would be “fixed” He blamed it on everything from my childhood to my self esteem.

“And then he decided it was because I’d never had sex. He raped me at least 6 times, I dissociated a lot of the relationship but I know there were 6 places where it happened, I don’t know how many times it happened in any given place though. He told me that I should be happy because it proved I was wanted, that eventually I’ll like it, and that he needed to make me “whole” He said that he knew that there was a straight girl underneath everything who just needed to know that it was ‘okay to be sexual.’”

getting kicked out

1. “my mom threatens to throw me out if I so much as bring it up“

2. “When I was house hopping, basically homeless as a young adult, my roommates would kick me out for not having sex with them. [Being out of the closet] got me homeless and back with my abusive mother.”

3. “I'm an 17 year old... and a junior in high school. I came out... to my family the other day and it went so horribly wrong. My own parents accused me of being some odd freak that's not human and just... kicked me out. I only have my clothes, computer and such electronics, 100 dollars and my cat. I'm living in a friend's basement. I wanted to go to college and earn a masters degree... but I have nothing. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do.”

4. “I know for a fact if my mom finds out I'll be homeless on the streets myself.”

5. “I [was] forced to have intercourse to try keeping my abuser from making me homeless... constantly [using my sexual orientation to]... threaten to kick me out 24/7.”

general familial rejection

1. “i've heard 'i was threatened with being kicked out of my house' so, so many times. also 'i was abused/hit when i came out'. most ppl just went back into the closet and lied.”

2. “My ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me [when I came out]. People have mocked me constantly for it. My parents put me in therapy for it.“

3. “I’ve tried to come out to my parents so many times and my dad doesn’t believe me, and my mom thinks it means there’s something wrong with me!”

4. “I just recently went to a family reunion and... I confided in a cousin about [my sexual orientation] and of course he told everyone, then they all legit got angry at me [for it]. Asking me how it happened, telling me it wasn't real, it got to the point where they screamed at me then my aunt started setting me up with guys in her neighborhood.”

5. “Mi padre dice que... es una moda y que son "subnormales" les que lo son. Me quiero ir de casa. [broken heart emoji]” (translation: “My father says that [my sexual orientation is] a fad and that people like that are ‘subnormal.’ I want to leave the house. [broken heart emoji]”)

harassment at work or school

1. “i overheard my boss discussing ways to get me to leave. somehow, and i don’t know how, he saw some of my tweets talking about [my sexual orientation]. he’s of the option that [it] is some disease, that it goes hand in hand with being devoid of emotions somehow, and that because of that i can’t possibly be a good teacher because i am incapable of empathy for the children and i am mentally ill.

“sure. he can’t fire me for that. but he sure can make my work environment so stressful, uncomfortable, and downright hostile. and he can do that so much it will make me quit. i didn’t want to let him win, but like. i was legitimately suicidal because of the environment at work and i felt like i had to quit.”

2. “I'm actually one of those... who have been denied a job simply because of my [sexuality]! last year the college I go to was looking for a counselor for the younger classes, something I've wanted to do! a week after I applied, I got an email saying that while I was qualified they saw my... posts [about sexual orientation] on my FB and didnt want to hire me because they were afraid I wouldn't be able to positively connect to others!”

3. “I'd like to chime in on the whole workplace thing. In my experience, yes, [even if you’re not out], they can tell. They'll notice that you don't have [or at least don’t talk about] a significant other. They'll notice when you don't join in certain conversations, especially ones talking about relationships and ‘hot’ people. They'll notice. And, if my experiences are any indication, they'll talk about you behind your back.”

4. “I spent half of my freshman year math class tensed up in terror, trying to ignore the boy with his hand up my shirt because he'd threatened to out me to my parents if I told a soul - and my parents would have put me in therapy....”

abuse within the mental health system

1. “i have severe depression and about a year ago i had checked myself into a mental hospital because i knew i couldn’t keep myself safe. the hospital felt like a safe space to me and at one point during conversation i came out.... one of the patients, a male much older than me, began to tell me how... he would [sexually] touch me. he was very graphic about how and where he would touch me. everyone in the room cheered and laughed. i was terrified.... two days later i attempted suicide. i was immediately sent to another mental hospital. this time involuntarily.“

2. “How do I quantify my experience with that therapist? Do I drop names? I’m certain he’s still billing himself as a gender specialist.... And I mean, I was extra-complicated, is it really his fault I got messed up, that CBT backfired so hard?

“Yes, actually. Yes, it’s his fault.

“Sometimes now I even call that experience abusive. Certainly gaslighting.

“There was so much ‘you overattach to labels and overthink everything’ as a Solution? But most of all, the “this again?” was the worst. The ‘we’ve covered this, you’re not X, that’s your disordered thinking again.’

“And any time I mentioned that, it was all awkward and unanticipated and sorry-you-feel-that-way(-it’s-your-brain-again)(-couldn’t-have-known).

"Then last summer I realized I was autistic, and he laughed at the mere idea, and I isolated until I ended up in the psych hospital.”

3. “When I was 19, I was in therapy trying to deal with depression and anxiety (and honestly a lot of child abuse I didn’t realize was abuse at the time). My therapist... made a lot of homophobic statements, didn’t believe bisexuality was a thing either... INSISTED that I ‘just didn’t want to get better’.... He gave a male client my contact information, pushed me to go on a date for multiple sessions, and pressured me to have sex when I said I didn’t want to.

“I was raped.”

4. “I love not being able to talk to my psychologist about my issues [around sexuality] because if we do she'll suggest conversion therapy for me again. Feels good, feels organic”

Step 2. compare the above to studies that include aces, and to the personal stories of aces

wait, we don’t have to.

all of the above examples are actually by and about aces.

and no, the study results linked at the top are not from the “group x” one about who people imagine they’d discriminate against. it’s a totally separate university study that asked about what people had actually experienced.

#rape tw #suicide tw #abuse tw #ace inclusion #tumblr pride #ace discourse #medical abuse #wall of words #yes this is a gotcha but would you rather have had me list five hundred examples of this stuff happening to gay and trans people first #and make this even longer #or do we all already know that this shit happens to us

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