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#and it’s alllllll due to anxiety :)
apprenticestanheight · 4 months
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Work Stress- Adam Stanheight x gn! reader
ALLLLLLL RIGHT, welcome to the monthly "my mental health is shit" fic that I bestow upon the people whenever my mental health isn't as great as it could be, which--in fairness--is nearly all the fucking time.
Two of these might be coming out this month, though! I have not had the greatest streak of days without anxiety lately and I write fics whenever it gets really bad. The day I finished this one, I was like "I am going to write something. for chainshipping (again)" so a chainshipping fic will probably be out by the end of the week
On some other notes, A: while it's not explicitly stated, the reader is what's traditionally considered midsized as that's what I am and I wanted to write a fic with my body type. As per usual with me, the reader is generally gn but as I know the anatomy best, they're AFAB. B: requests are starting to get looked at! I have one waiting to be finished, edited and posted sitting in my drafts but otherwise will have probably looked through and decided which requests I will do vs which ones I won't by the time this has been posted. Things will probably start coming out at the end of this week and keep coming out into next.
Fic type- this jumps into a lot of differing areas, but the main genres are quite possibly the oddest combination I've ever written--smut and angst.
Warnings- as this fic contains smut it caters to an audience of people 18+, so minors, DO NOT INTERACT. There is A LOT here--p in v, oral (both recieve, even if on Adams end the oral is only mentioned), doggy style, fingering, petplay kind of (I was trying to think of a gender neutral petname and puppy was the only thing my brain could think of at first. It's literally just used as a petname and gets overshadowed by 'baby' after a point bc I remembered that that word existed--I wrote a lot of this while tired, pls take some of the stuff in it with a grain of salt), as for sfw warnings: there's a mention of loss of appetite in relation to extreme stress
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It's no secret to Adam that you've been having a very, very rough year.
You've been living together since just a couple weeks after he'd escaped the trap--he was taken from his apartment and found it too anxiety inducing to stay there so you let him move into yours.
You'd been dating since you were twenty one and at twenty six, moving in was bound to happen eventually, but getting out of his lease was taking a hell of a lot more time than Adam had originally anticipated.
He noticed every rough day in the bags that you'd begun to sport underneath your eyes, how late you came to bed and your reluctancy to be very affectionate with him--whenever things got bad, be it at work or with stuff going on in your head, you withdrew and pushed him away--and in the fact that you weren't eating as much, in that you always looked like your mind was somewhere else, wandering off completely.
So, one day near the middle of November--where he'd started to notice your bad days in very early March--he joins you in the kitchen while you speak to one of your bosses via phone call.
He presses a kiss to your forehead, grabs your hand, gives it a squeeze. He wants to cheer you up--you're prone to bad days due to insecurity and because of a long-standing not so great track record where your mental health is concerned--and, in that particular moment, finds himself willing to do anything.
You give your best go at grinning back at him, but it comes out looking like more of a grimace. You let Adams hand go to run a stressed hand through your hair, returning your hand to Adams and letting him interlace your fingers thereafter.
"Yes," you whisper. "I understand that things are always tough in the last quarter, but--" you sigh dejectedly as your boss cuts you off, and Adam presses another kiss to your forehead, letting his lips linger for a minute.
"Yes, Earle--but you're not seeing the point here. I'm eligible for the raise because I've kept the teams afloat! The only reason you're not also eligible for the raise is because you took an eight month vacation with PTO that you quite literally stole from other employees, myself included, and just because Monica isn't willing to fire you over that doesn't mean your actions didn't warrant alternative punishments," you lean forward, press a kiss to Adams shoulder. Adams grin widens slightly as he notices that you're visibly relaxing from his touches.
A solid two minutes of shouting pass by on the other end. Adam gives your hand a supportive squeeze whenever Earles voice raises another octave in his shouting, pressing kisses against your temple when you let him pull you into a half hug. He keeps hold of your hand when the position changes, your torso pressing against the counter as Adam stands in front of you.
"Earle--I am eligible for the raise because you took six weeks of PTO from me, which I only get thanks to our companies union," You snap. "Now, because I had to spend so much time doing my fucking job, unlike you, I'm eligible for enough of a raise to make me capable of buying a home by '06, and if you're pissed off at me for that, I genuinely cannot help you any further. I have a boyfriend who I would much rather be talking to over your sorry arse, so I'm going to hang up now and if you call me back, I will ignore it. Have the day you deserve, asshat."
You hang up the phone and sigh, gaze meeting Adams in an instant.
"'M sorry," you whisper, biting your top lip for a few seconds as you look at him. "Work has been a fuckin' mess since like, the end of February. I just--damn it all."
"Eh, Earle sounds like a dickhead," Adam laughs. "How does one even get away with--eight full months? Of PTO? How?"
"Per the union agreement we have, we get six weeks a year," you start. "It's why I'm always off in December--I like staying home when it gets cold, gives me an excuse to read and drink more tea than I should--but we've moved to digitizing off time recently. Took the six weeks I'd planned to pace between the end of this month and all of next and switched them up for himself. Did that with five other employees and still, Monica doesn't fire him. Just makes me eligible for a raise of fifteen dollars on company dime because the off time I lost out on forced me to do more while I was there. Our company has one hundred and eighty-six employees in the Jersey branch and a bunch of 'em like taking spaces in the last six months of the year off, so it was me managing two teams of eighty people. Not easy work at all."
Adam blinks. "Did Monica even offer to give you the PTO back?"
"She gave me hers," you shrug. "Earle can have a lot of fuckin' fun managing one hundred and sixty people by himself. I'll find out if I get the raise tomorrow morning and my PTO will kick in then, too. He can eat shit as far as I'm concerned, I have a long list of books and two boxes of my favorite tea to drink my way through as of tomorrow."
You let Adam lead you into your shared bedroom, humming as you lay down on your bed and close your eyes.
"Are you okay?" Adam asks.
"Been a very, very stressful eight months," you laugh. "Trying to think of what I need and only one thing continually comes to mind."
"What's that?" You can hear the eagerness behind the teasing tone in Adams voice.
"I need--uh--" You laugh, suddenly feeling a little awkward. Propositioning Adam for sex was not typically done with words but kisses and your hands on his chest, relishing in the way that he looked when he lead you to your bedroom and fucked you senseless.
"Go on, baby," Adam whispers, his lips suddenly near your ear. "Gonna say it?"
You hum, suddenly embarrassed at yourself, and Adam laughs.
"Use your words, puppy," He whispers, pressing a kiss against your earlobe. "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do if you don't use your words?"
You moan helplessly in response.
"You really are cute," Adam says. "Tough while at work, one phone call later and now you're helpless that you can't even speak. Can't even say one word."
"Adam," you breathe, both because it's the one word that's coming to mind and also because you know he loves the way you say his name when all you want is for him to fuck you.
"Good puppy," Adam presses a kiss to your cheek. "Tell me what you want me to do, mm? I'll do whatever you want, but if you want me to fuck you, know that you'll be in bed for a long time once we go to sleep. You're going to come a lot tonight, puppy. You deserve it."
You moan in response. "Please," you whisper.
"You want me to fuck you, puppy?"
"Yeah," you nod. "Adam--I need you to. Don't wanna think anymore. In eight months, I've thought enough for eight lifetimes. Fuck me senseless, please."
"Whatever you want," Adam says, pulling you into a long kiss that has your head spinning.
You spend the next few minutes like that, in a kiss that's so intense, so loving and so fucking good that you wonder how you've been able to go so long being fine with quick kisses and self gratification.
The first kiss reminds you of how amazing it is to be kissed by Adam whenever the more dominant side of him comes out for a bit of fun, the way that his hands anchor themselves on your hips before one slides up your torso to cup your face, the sureness of his tongue in your mouth--everything feels amazing, and it's almost like it's too good to be true.
And then Adam pulls away for air and your eyes are opening and his lips are against your clothed shoulder, breathing in deeply with a smile on his face.
"I'm sorry we've not been--well--" you start. Adam tilts your chin upward and presses a kiss on the underside of your jaw. "I've been a terrible--"
"I've missed this, sure," Adam says, pressing another kiss against the underside of your jaw. "Yeah. Of course I've missed it, Y/N, but I absolutely understand that you've been busy. Work has kept me busy, too, so I'm just glad we can have tonight. I've missed you so much and I just wanna make you forget about how shitty the past months have been. Wanna make sure the only word you remember how to stay is my name, and that's what I'm going to do tonight, puppy. Sounds good?"
You nod eagerly, which makes Adam laugh as the hand that's on your hip gives it a squeeze.
Your gaze becomes affixed to a random point on the ceiling as Adams kisses rove across the scope of your neck, one hand on your jaw to move your head whenever he wants better access.
After a point, you start to realize that his kisses are getting longer and not too long thereafter you realize that Adam is carefully laying hickeys over your neck and is taking his time with doing it.
You want to murmur a quip, do something to jab at the possessiveness hickeys usually carry, but right as you go to do so his lips and tongue find a home on the pulse point on the right side of your neck and all you can do is moan softly, one hand finding his hair.
"Adam," you whisper. "Fucking hell, Adam--you're going to drive me insane. Please don't stop."
You hear Adams laugh, slow, amused, a little sadistic. "Well, if I'm the one who drives you to insanity, I think that means I'm the one who has to pull you out of it, doesn't it, puppy?"
With the use of that one, silly nickname, you're reduced to what is basically a human shaped puddle, and Adam knows it. Whenever he calls you his puppy in a slightly dominant tone, your knees are at risk of giving out and the look you give him is tantamount to torture if he intends to tease you until you're begging.
"Mhm," you hum, moaning as Adams lips press in a peck against your pulse point. "Also means the same if you put me into subspace with all this foreplay, Adam."
Adam grins, and you let him tilt your chin so that your head turns to meet his gaze.
"Of course," he says. "I'm basically an aftercare god, despite the fact that Scott dunked on me for it while believing a cigarette afterwards is anything less than the bare minimum--I'll take good care of you once the session is done, puppy. I promise."
Your shoulders relax at the reassurance, and you grin as Adams lips press against your forehead.
You nod after a second. "Okay," you say. "I--thank you, for this. Pre-emptively."
Deep enough into subspace and you'll borderline on mute, only able to focus on how Adams ministrations feel. You have no doubt he intends to take you there tonight, so you feel the need to thank him before you slink that far in and have to wait for it to wear off to speak a coherent sentence to him again.
"We both need it, so it's my pleasure," Adam says, starting to undo the buttons of the black long sleeved button up you'd worn to work and had yet to take off that day. "And yours--it's both of us. I promise I'll start getting more dominant in a sec, these buttons hate me."
You laugh a little, helping him undo the rest of the buttons. "They're square. They hate everybody, me included. Getting this shirt on was a nightmare this morning and I've been reminded as to why I never wear the damn thing."
Adam uses the small of your back to guide you off the bed just enough to be able to completely take the shirt off, following it by the oddly quick--Adam is very, very good at undoing the pesky little hooks that hold bras together, oddly--removal of your bra.
His lips are on yours again, one hand on your bare hip while the other finds itself cupping your face, tongue gliding across your lip in asking for entrance which you grant as your arms wrap around his shoulders.
Kissing Adam in moments like that is always amazing--kissing him has been one of your favorite things since your romance started, even quick and chaste kisses that don't last more than a few seconds. Kissing Adam has never ceased to be an absolute delight, whether it led to sex or was used as an alternative form of "hello" "goodbye" "good night" or "good morning."
And then his lips start traversing down your neck once more, and then they go further.
Adam starts draping kiss after kiss across your torso, lips pressing against you in a way that allows his tongue to poke through his teeth as he kisses you with his mouth slightly open. Every single touch of his cold tongue against your warm skin makes you clench around nothing, quickens your heart rate and feels so impossibly delightful. Adam is kissing you in a way that damn near drives you insane, and you feel yourself sinking into how good his lips and tongue feel against you as he delivers praise between kisses.
"Such a good puppy for me, mm?" Adam murmurs when he's close to your belly button. "Taking all of this so well even though you probably just want me inside you already. Such a good cumdump for me, puppy. Perfect."
You hum in response, eyes drifting down to meet his gaze as he looks up at you. He smiles, briefly, before continuing with his kisses, letting himself spend a lot of time on your hips before his kisses rove across your stomach.
He kisses along your v-line slowly and in a way that makes you want to start begging, hands roving up from your hips to your biceps.
He glances at you for a second in the asking, waiting for you to nod. You do so and Adams hands move to your pants, taking them off along with your underwear before laughing at himself.
"I've got you here, lookin' fucking perfect," he says, kissing your bicep. "And yet I'm still clothed."
Your hands go to the hem of his shirt and he lets you pull it off, kissing the side of your shoulder as he watches you toss it near the laundry hamper in the far left corner of the room. Next come his pants and his boxers, which Adam takes off in a manner that's somehow effortless despite his continued kisses to your biceps throughout the process.
"I forget how much I love your arms until I'm kissing your biceps again," Adam says, laughing a little. "Fuck, baby. Your arms are fucking gorgeous."
You hum, pressing your head into the pillow behind you as Adams kisses start up again and his hands start wandering. One settles against your face, cupping it softly, and the other goes wandering delightfully down your torso, not stopping until his fingers are millimeters above your clit.
He pauses, gaze meeting yours in a way that feels almost a little sadistic.
"Gonna make you come so many times tonight, baby," he says. "Safe word?"
"Hibiscus," you whisper. It's a precaution for when you get really kinky, a word you came up with but, five years into your relationship, have yet to actually use.
Adams lips press against the center of your collarbone, "good puppy," he whispers against the skin.
His fingers start making slow, tantalizing circles around your clit, and his kisses continue, roving down your torso and staying in the general area of your hips and stomach.
A few minutes pass you by, and right when Adam has picked up the speed and is bringing you to the edge of an orgasm, he stops.
When he notices the disappointment in the way your head falls back onto the pillow, he wastes no time in licking his fingers clean of the wetness spread across them.
"Didn't think I'd let you come so soon, did you, puppy?" Adam moves up, lips near your ear. "I did say I'd make you come multiple times tonight, but I said nothing of letting you do so without a little edging first. Gonna edge you until the sun goes down, at least, and then make you cum until at least one or two in the morning. Gonna call in sick tomorrow, too, so that I'm not worrying about waking up and going into work."
"How much more time until the sunset?" You ask. It's four--the sunset can't really be so far off, can it?
"An hour," Adam says. "But--to be fair, a lot more can be done in an hour than one might think. Also--eight hours between five and one am. Assuming that the session exhausts you, you'll probably wake up close to noon tomorrow, but there's snow in the forecast and I'll probably make you a cup of tea if I wake up before you do."
You hum. "Thank you, Adam," you whisper. He kisses you deeply, and you can still taste yourself on his tongue.
"Don't thank me," he says when he's pulled away. "It's what good partners do, especially when I'll have practically rearranged your guts and it'll be a reward for doing good anyway."
You laugh. Adam presses a kiss to your forehead as his hands once again ground themselves on your hips and yours find his shoulders, holding him close.
"I love you, baby," he says. "Sorry that work has been shit."
"I love you too," you respond. "And--that's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes that aren't yours, Adam. Please, just kiss me. Wanna forget about work and stupid fucking Earle--just wanna think about how good it feels to be touched and kissed by you. Please."
Adams lips press against your forehead again, his hands cupping your face.
"Gonna make sure you do," he says. His lips move to your biceps again, and you shudder an intake of breath as he leaves a hickey in the wake of one of his kisses.
You have a thought to call him a hickey fiend but don't--the risk of joking with him when Adam is in dom mode is not worth the reward even slightly.
His kisses trail down your face to your neck, and from your neck to your chest. You moan a little when his lips find your nipples, biting gently as his hands give your hips a contented squeeze.
Your head falls back onto the pillow beneath it, and you smile slightly as you hear Adams contented hum as he kisses along your chest from one nipple to the other.
The next several minutes are spent in pretty much the same state. Adam kisses your chest and neck with an open mouth, tongue all too eager to leave a trail of saliva behind his kisses. He's mostly quiet as he goes about it, but every time he does something to make you moan his hands squeeze your hips in acknowledgement.
And then his lips move to your stomach, spending an absurd amount of time leaving hickeys in the less obvious places. He spends more time on your hips which tells you you'll have dark hickeys to look forward to once you have the time to investigate the state of your body in a mirror, but he's not always the dominant one when you two are having sex--you'll find your moment where he's in a particularly submissive mood and douse his body with light-ish hickeys in some very obvious spots.
His lips move down to your thighs, and his gaze meets yours.
"You're feeling all right?" He asks, lips pressing gloriously against the top of your right thigh. "Need you to make space for me, puppy. Haven't paid your thighs attention in so fucking long--'nother minute of waiting and I will go insane."
You laugh as you spread your legs and Adam positions himself in between them, lips moving across your thighs as his arms slip under them and his hands find your hips.
The amount of attention he devotes to your legs alone is almost a little excessive--it takes him ten minutes before he's content to move from your right leg to your left, and then he's focusing on that leg just as long.
Then again--Adam has always loved your thighs. You've had moments of insecurity that they were too big to handle but he's always met your insecurity with reassurance, promised that he'd tell you if he was having trouble breathing whenever he asked you to sit on his face. He loves your thighs and your biceps, which are two of the areas where you find most of your insecurity.
And then you feel his breath against your folds, and you breathe in deeply while clenching around nothing.
"Wanna taste you, puppy," Adam says. You're nodding eagerly before he can even finish the sentence, wondering how it was that you managed to go eight months without feeling Adams mouth over your folds, his lips on your clit.
Adam is good at giving oral--he is fucking amazing at it, and as his tongue presses flat against your folds, his gaze holding yours, you find that it seems he's still as good as he was eight months ago.
His tongue runs through your folds for a very long few seconds before it presses against your clit. You moan at the contact, eyes nearly rolling into the back of your head as his tongue moves in circles around the bundle of nerves.
His tongue moves back to your folds, and your hand goes to his hair. You don't hold him in a tight grip or anything, just enough to ground yourself and keep yourself from slipping away.
It's hard not to slip into it, though. The grip that Adam has on your hips, the way he's eating you out like a man starved and that goddamned nickname he always uses whenever he's domming. All of it is so much combined, so much after eight months, and all you want to do is slip into subspace and just let Adam use you however he wants.
He keeps going until you're so close--teetering on the edge, nearly ready to come on his face--and then he stops, pulling away with a glistening mouth to take a breath.
And then he's lifting himself off of you, pulling himself up to press kiss after kiss after kiss to the spot where your neck meets your shoulder, and his hand is cupping your face.
"Please, puppy," he says. "Don't wanna go eight months without this ever again. Missed it."
It takes everything in you to drum up a response, still working through the second almost-orgasm of the evening.
"Never," you manage to mumble as your head turns, seeking Adams lips. He kisses you slowly, meaningfully, and you have a moment--just a moment--where you hate yourself for letting sex get away from you for such a long time.
Work has been eight months of never ending stress, eight months of managing one hundred and sixty people, dealing with a boss who claims to care about the team but only offers a raise to the five people from whom a guy stole off time rather than firing the idiot. You feel bad--work has taken the majority of your head space since March, and that doesn't feel fair in the fucking slightest.
"Adam," you whisper. He presses a peck to your lower lip and darts his tongue out to wet his own.
"Yeah, puppy?"
"Missed you," you respond. "'M sorry about work. I promise I didn't mean to get so busy, it's just--Earle and his fucking scheme, and Monica refusing to fire his sorry ass while he has the time of his goddamned life in Monaco, and--ugh. I don't mean to ruin the mood but it's just not leaving my head."
Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your forehead. "I know how you get, Y/N," he says. "I'm too drunk on the thought of your thighs around my head to even get slightly turned off right now but that's not the point."
He laughs again, thumb gliding across your bottom lip. "I've been worried about you but I knew work was probably the reason for your late nights, baby. I promise, it just made me cherish our lazy mornings even more. If you don't like working there, you can always quit, too--you've got your rainy day savings, and my job lets me cover the rent and have money left for groceries if you don't get something right away. Has anything else been bugging you or is it just work?"
"Just been in a funk," you respond. "The sex is helping a lot, but I've always found that being with you helps me like nothing else can. Needed this, Adam. Even if you've kept me from orgasming twice so far."
"Fifteen more minutes til sundown," Adam says. "You'll be so sick of coming when I finally start letting you, baby. I think I have it in me to last eight hours, but that's because I'll be giving myself a reprieve. You, however, might not get one. Dunno--it depends on if you'll want one, really."
"You'll know I do if I use the safe word," you respond. "Just--be soft with me, mm? I don't think I can handle being degraded too much, if at all. I'm scared that if you call me a slut with a mean tone I'll just fall to pieces and start crying."
Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your temple. "Think I've done enough edging," he says. "Kind of just wanna kiss you until you're begging me for more, baby. Sound okay?"
You nod, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "You really wouldn't be mad if I quit my job?"
"I would be the opposite of angry at you if you just announced it and didn't even give your two weeks," Adam says. "You've spent the majority of the last year giving them an arm and both of your legs in the effort it's taken to keep things afloat. You're up for a significant raise which I would wait to see if you got, but there are places that pay the amount you'd be getting after your raise as the starting salary, which only goes up after the first six months. I'd start applying to those places if I were in your shoes and I didn't get the raise I fuckin' deserved."
Adams lips drop to your collarbone. "'M so in love with you," he says. "And I'm sorry that work has been such a shitstorm lately. If you want, you can switch from a marketing job to working for a salary that covers rent and groceries with me at the bookshop? They're hiring all the fucking time and it means I can basically just...spend the entirety of my break just kissing you relentlessly if you do decide to join up."
You laugh, pulling a hand through his hair. "Maybe," you say. "If I don't get the raise."
Adam laughs, gently biting against your collarbone as his hands find your hips again.
"Love your hips, puppy," he says. "Will probably have to put lotion on the hickeys I left on 'em. Got a little carried away."
"I'll get my revenge somehow," you respond. "If you ever find yourself in a submissive mood, I will absolutely cover your neck in them."
"I like hickeys in obvious places, so long as you keep them light,"
"Oh, they will be. Everywhere but your pulse point--I happen to like your pulse point, Adam. Might get carried away worse than you did with my hips."
Adam bites your collarbone again, kissing up the center of it to the underside of your jaw before his lips are once again against yours.
"I love you so fucking much," Adam says into the kiss, giving your hips a hard squeeze. "Fuck, Y/N. Gonna make sure all of your stress is gone from your mind completely. Just want you to be thinking about me, puppy."
All you can do in response is moan into Adams mouth, closing your eyes and moaning once more as he uses your moaning to slip his tongue into your mouth, one hand coming up to cup your face.
You spend the next little eternity kissing, moaning whenever Adams hands squeeze whichever part of your body they've ended up near or on--typically your ass, just below it on your thigh, your hips, or your tits--and occasionally tugging at the hairs near the nape of his neck, where one of your hands rests.
And then, Adam pulls away. You gaze at him as he holds himself up by his elbows, a handsome smirk on his face.
"You're all right?" He asks.
The truth is, all you can think about is the memory of his cock inside you and you're convinced it's slowly driving you nuts, but by all other accounts, yeah.
You nod. "I'm amazing, Adam," you say. "Need to feel you."
As you speak the words, Adam is already reaching for his night stand on his side of the bed, grabbing a condom.
You roll it onto his length, one of your hands overlapping the hand he places on your hip as you lie back down.
Adam positions himself at your entrance, pushing into you slowly even despite how wet you are--you're more than ready to feel him, but Adam still goes slow to be cautious.
When he bottoms out, both of you moan. Your lips are almost right next to Adams ear, his forehead pressing against your shoulder, so the sound of you moaning just makes Adam want you more. One of his hands is on your breast, and he squeezes it, rolling the nipple between his first finger and thumb as you clench around his length.
After a minute, you're telling Adam he can start moving and his thrusts come to a slow start as Adam figures out the pace he wants to start with.
His lips have dipped close to your ear when he whispers, "you're so wet for me," and he kisses the side of your head before adding "such a good puppy. Fuck--you're amazing."
And you're moaning in response, starting to get cockdrunk as Adam moves in calculated thrusts, one hand propping himself up by the elbow and the other against your hip.
Your thighs wrap around his waist to keep him in place, and Adam laughs as he lifts the hand on your hip to cup your face.
"You like this, baby?" He asks. You moan, nodding slightly as your eyes close, giving his shoulder a squeeze.
"Such a good puppy for me," he says. "So good, baby. You're doing so good."
And then you moan again, and Adam presses a kiss to the corner of your lips. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, lips moving to your neck as the hand that was on your face moves to your clit, rubbing circles around it and delighting in the moans it brings from your throat.
Your release spurs his on, and while you moan and release around him Adam releases into the condom, thrusting his way through the aftershocks and the way that your legs start shaking with them.
He pulls out and discards the condom, heading back to you quickly and peppering your face with kisses.
You find yourself in a state of complete and total relaxation and euphoria. Adams hands on you make you sink further in, and Adam laughs a little--you're looking at him like he's the love of your life while you're practically drowning in post-orgasm bliss, which is a delightful and meaningful addition to the times in which you've looked at him like that, particularly whenever he's decided to surprise you with breakfast or when you wake up to find him admiring you as he'd woken up before you had.
"You're feeling all right?" The orgasm had been a little intense.
You nod, and Adam presses his nose against the apple of your cheek, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands find your face.
"Going quiet?" He presses his lips to your forehead. "Not for long, baby. I have at least seven more hours with you, yeah?"
You nod, and Adams lips are on yours again.
A lot of the time, you start to realize, will be passed with Adams lips against yours, his hands going somewhere on your body as you moan and whine at his touches.
You don't hate the idea, though--Adam is a damn good kisser and absolutely knows what he's doing with his lips and tongue. You've proven yourself capable of lazily making out with Adam for hours several times, though that was when the two of you were kiss fiends in the honeymoon phase and couldn't go more than twenty minutes without it.
But then, Adams lips trail from your lips to your chest, paying attention to it as his hands move from your face to your hips. Once he's paid satisfactory attention to your chest, he moves to your stomach, where, per the presence of your hips close by, he stays for a long ten minutes.
Then his lips are on your inner thighs and your hand is in his hair and all you can do is moan, one word waiting and ready at the tip of your tongue but not falling off of it.
You watch through half lidded eyes as Adams eyes lock on your cunt, nod fervently when his gaze meets yours and his head tilts in the asking.
His tongue finds your clit and he moves one finger, slowly, into your hole as his lips follow his tongue. You turn your head and moan into the pillow in an effort to silence yourself, but the noise level at which the moan sits is still so obscene that Adam chuckles, shaking his head as his left arm slips under your thigh and his hand finds purchase at your chest.
Adams tongue moves around your clit in evenly paced circles, finger moving at a calculated pace as he adds another. Adams fingers curl around your g-spot once every fifteen-ish seconds, and every time your moans get louder because of the action, Adam laughs a little and presses his tongue flat against your clit.
Adam has you pushed to your orgasm in fifteen minutes. You barely have time to warn him before you're coming over his mouth, chin, and his hand, but Adam hardly cares. He only licks his fingers to clean them and juts his tongue out to run it over his lips, all while holding your gaze.
And then he's kissing you and you're tasting yourself, humming into the kiss as Adam reaches one arm out and fumbles for the nightstand in search of another condom.
Adam gets it and rips it open, sliding it onto his length and motioning for you to get on your knees and turn around. You do as he says and Adam slowly slides into you, the both of you moaning slightly as he bottoms out.
Adam waits a minute for you to adjust to him, and once you have he starts thrusting. He sets an even, quick pace and moves a hand to your clit, moaning as you lean back and press your back against his front.
Adams lips find a spot in the space between your neck and shoulder, and every last one of the sounds you make spurs him on. His moans are low, typically comorbid with yours, and they come in between the praise he manages to mumble out as he moves and you start moving back onto him.
"So good," he mutters, biting gently against your shoulder. "Fuck--"
You moan in response, unable to form any coherent thought other than Adams name.
"Adam," you whisper as the pace at which Adams finger touches your clit increases. "Adam--"
You feel him smile against your skin, a cocky grin taking up his face.
"Yes, baby?" He asks, moaning as you clench around him. "Gonna use your words for me, mm?"
"Adam," it's the only word that comes to mind right now, though it'll be one of ten, at best, once he's pushed you to orgasm again.
"Adam, oh--" You moan as he snaps his hips up into you.
Adam keeps the pace he's set and it's not long before you're moaning loudly as Adams lips and tongue suck a hickey into the space where your neck meets your shoulder, your release occurring just seconds before his own, before he's a moaning mess as he thrusts into you through the aftershocks.
Adam pulls out and lays you back onto the bed before rolling the condom off and tossing it into the trash.
The cycle continues that way until you find yourselves nearing one in the morning. Your lips are wet with your own saliva after you've pulled off of Adams length and he's being sweet, your face in his hands as you start moving to sit on the bed.
"One more for me, baby," he says. In eight hours, you've come more than eight times, your legs are basically jelly, and all you have on your mind is Adam. "Just one more, mm? Then I'll run us a bath and we can just relax, I promise. Aftercare god, remember?" He laughs a little at the tail end of his sentence, cringing at himself a little bit.
And you're nodding, smiling at Adam as his lips find your inner thighs and you're blissed out on post-orgasm euphoria--Adam had let you touch yourself while sucking his dick, and you'd come over your hand as he shot his load into your mouth, which you'd agreed to let him do--and it's fifteen minutes til one and Adams lips against your thighs is absolutely amazing.
And then his lips and tongue go to your cunt, and you're moaning as your thighs wrap around his head, which leads to him laughing and squeezing your hips.
And Adam eats you out carefully, slowly, moaning as he does so. He's taking his time with you because you're blissed out and will definitively need to be easy on yourself in terms of walking after all that's been done. He's moaning, tongue moving through your folds in a way that feels incredible to both you and him, and his lips find your clit as he moves to start fingering you.
Adam sets a good pace, quick but not too quick, and curls his fingers at your g-spot with every thrust. You're moaning loudly despite the time and Adam is loving it, and then you're coming on his lips and his tongue and Adam is licking it off your cunt and his lips with a focused precision.
Then Adam is getting up, pressing a kiss to your forehead and telling you he'll be back in a few minutes. He tells you he loves you but doesn't expect a response--you're absolutely too blissed out to say much of anything, and he loves it because it's the first time in eight months where you've looked so relaxed, the first time in eight months where you've felt it.
Your eyes close as Adam leaves your shared bedroom, and you hear him starting up a bath. You smile to yourself, pressing your cheek against the pillow, having a brief, floaty thought of I am so lucky before Adam comes into the room again, smile on his clean face.
He kisses your eyelids, hands finding and interlacing themselves with yours.
"C'mon," he says. "I've run us a bath, baby. Gonna relax your legs, which are definitely sore by this point."
And then your eyes are opening and he's helping you stand as he tells you how much he loves you and how amazing you were during the session, and his lips are against your forehead in a kiss.
You're mostly quiet as Adam leads you to the bathroom, humming as you get into the tub with him.
You press your chin against Adams shoulder and in the next few minutes, you're still tired but the water is still hot and you're starting to form coherent thoughts again.
"Thank you," you whisper, pressing a kiss to Adams wet shoulder. He hums, pressing a kiss to your forehead.
"For what?" Adam asks.
"For the last nine hours," you say. "For making me forget about work stress and for the sex."
Adam laughs, pressing another kiss to your forehead. "The sex was enjoyable for both parties, then," he says. "And--you're welcome, but you don't need to thank me. Just wanted to help you de-stress a little, and I'm glad I could do that."
You're in the bath together for thirty-ish minutes after that, and you let Adam wash your hair as he peppers your hickied neck with kisses and his hands run along your biceps. You wash his, and you spend the time waiting for the conditioner to set talking about your plans for the day as the day has turned.
Adam intends to let you sleep in and to make breakfast, and you intend to at least move from the bedroom to the living room after you've woken up so that you can read from the comfort of your couch.
You get out of the bath and, because your legs are still pretty sore, have barely any choice but to let Adam help you back to your room and sit on the bed as Adam gets dressed and grabs you clothes.
You get dressed into a pair of black boxers--they, Adam decides, will be comfier than sweatpants--and a hoodie Adam had during his baggy clothes phase that's baggy on you, too, and covers two thirds of your thigh before your knee amidst laughter and kisses that you share in the relative dark.
You and Adam end up going to sleep on the couch anyway so as to avoid halfhearted fighting about who sleeps on the wet spot on the bed from the sweat emitted during sex, curled up in each others arms with a thick, warm and fuzzy blanket covering you both up to your shoulders.
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mish-mash-wish · 3 years
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Kinda wanna throw up ᕕ( ᐕ )ᕗ
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Alllllll the updates
Finally got the laptop unpacked, charger located, and charged. Naptime yesterday was a shit show hence no update. Too much to write on my phone so buckle up peeps because this is about two weeks worth of things I want to document. I shall categorize for reading and archiving purposes.
Rent House
-I am SO glad to be finished with the little rent house. It served it’s purpose and we were lucky to have it available to us when we needed it but HOLY CRAP. I am so so glad to be out of that house. It was too little, too old (for me), and notttt exactly in a neighborhood I felt the most confident spending 90% of my time in pregnant and alone with a kid. So so so glad to be done. 
New House
-Still beautiful, still moving in, and adjusting. We have MOST of our stuff where we want it to go however we still have lots of adjusting to do and organizing and unpacking to finish in order to be more functional. I enjoy doing it but it definitely gets interesting with me at home with the babes alone and how much of that can actually be accomplished. 
Mom’s Visit
-My mom came and stayed with us for almost 2 weeks to stay with Calvin during Hudson’s arrival and then to help out with the moving and just help me in general with the two munchkins as Jake had to go back to work and also focus more on the last little details of the move. It was.... interesting. Since she lives in a different state and due to Covid we haven’t really had many opportunities to learn how to navigate the Parent/Grandparent relationship between the two of us which lead to some toes being stepped on. Plus my Mom battles depression and she’s not been in a great headspace mentally so she was extra sensitive and me being postpartum hormonal had a ROUGH time at balancing both of our moods. I was glad to have her here but I was also glad when she left Saturday and left us to settle in on our own. 
Momming of Two Children
-Calvin has been an incredible big brother. Not too much jealousy aside from the initial “that’s mine” response when all the baby gear was brought out that we used with him. He’s adjusted quite well and LOVES to help and wants to hold him alllll the time. This morning he was holding him (with my help) and he kissed him on the head and told him he loved him-all unprompted-and I just about lost it sitting on the couch next to him. It was quite literally the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen and I love how much he loves his brother already. That’s “HIS baby” as he tells people. 
Naptime yesterday was an absolute shitshow on my 1st day of SAHM-ing. However, due to how turbulent our year was last year as far as change and transitions went, Calvin has developed some separation anxiety-which I would consider to be a little more severe than a typical toddler might experience-but I totally anticipate it going away after some time here and routine is restored. He literally asks 2-3x an hour where Dada is if he’s at work. My mom said he asked all day every day where we were while we were at the hospital, and if the dogs have been out in the backyard for any length of time he asks about them too. It’s almost as though he’s constantly taking roll or checking off boxes to know where all of his people are. 
This has created a ROUGH go at nap and bedtimes because he thinks that if he goes to sleep someone is going to leave. Which makes perfect sense considering his last few months-Jake getting up and leaving to drive back to work while Calvin was still asleep, Jake leaving for the week during Calvin’s Sunday nap time. We had to leave for the hospital early while he was still asleep. I can understand why he might have those concerns. Soooooo the Teacher Mom in me is understanding where he’s coming from and simply trying to help him adjust and know that life has returned to be consistent again and also PRAY that once he stops asking about where everyone is all the time he’ll go back to being an independent sleeper. Right now he absolutely will NOT go to sleep unless Jake or myself (and mostly myself) is IN THE ROOM right next to him so he can touch us-whether that’s on the bed, standing, sitting, or rubbing/patting his back/tummy. I get that we might be setting up bad habits for later (actually I did that in Jake’s absence! SORRY HONEY!) buttt I also think to some degree the kid deserves some slack and absolutely should get what he needs to be reassured of our presence. I have always been a pretty hard lined person when it came to sleep habits-we used a modified CIO method, I was pretty stern in teaching him how to sleep in his toddler bed independently, we taught the ready-to-wake routine early. But I just think with all this kid has been through in his short two and a half year of life (living in 3 different houses, having literally 7 different day care teachers/babysitters over the course of two years, moving to a totally new town, losing the routine of daycare, etc.) he deserves some slack and some support in adjusting and if it means having a longer bedtime/nap routine for a bit then so be it. I’ve just gotta figure out how to make it manageable at naptime without help. 
Food
-Thank you all for all of your ideas with the ground beef dinner dilemma I found myself in. :P 
This was last nights dinner/today’s lunch. (Impossible Cheeseburger Pie) It was good, super easy, but I’d recommend adding more seasoning/flavoring to it. Definitely better the next day as leftovers-and in general-would be super easy to adapt/change to a lot of different flavor variations. 
This will be tonight’s dinner. (Thanks @adventuresasmrsfindley: The unstuffed pepper idea sounded SO GOOD. I’ll report back on this recipe tonight!) 
And looking at doing mini-meatloafs tomorrow in a muffin tin! If anyone has a good recipe for that LET ME KNOW!! Otherwise I’m using the one I found on Pinterest lol. 
That’s the Reader’s Digest version of all the things. Hopefully I’ll be able to update again more in depth soon! 
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thekrazykeke · 6 years
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This is so much fun, I swear before Jesus! As a big family person myself, writing about the reader’s family is cathartic. Mainly because families spill the tea in my stories more than the main character ever will 😙🤣
Boop.
It’s easy to get caught up with Erik, to be swept up in his energy. Although you’d tried to maintain a ‘slow and steady wins the race’ mentality when you’d agreed to be his girl, somehow, someway, the two of y’all just dived headfirst into a relationship. 
More often than not, you ended up staying the night over at his crib and you didn’t always use the excuse of wanting to play video games to go see him. He surprised you by how affectionate and touchy-feely he is, though you tried to get used to it and reciprocate in kind, you had been on your own for a good stretch and some habits are hard to break. It didn’t irritate him (so much) anymore and he even took it with good grace, seeming to make it his mission to wrap an arm around your waist that more often, kiss the back of your neck, or pull you into his lap, etc.
Nadia noticed the change in y’all dynamic and while she said that she approved, there was the feeling that she was distancing herself from you, which hurt, if you were being honest, since the two of y’all had hit it off instantly and been flatmates for over two years. 
However, you weren’t the type to beg anyone to be friends with you if they didn’t want to. 
The independent streak that your mother had nurtured in you your whole life wasn’t disappearing anytime soon, if at all, and occasionally, it clashed with Erik’s habit of spoiling you with too much of, well, just about everything: clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc. Hell, he had paid off your portion of the rent for six months (you’d managed to talk him out of paying off the entire year just barely). While you would like to say that you were happy, and most of the time you truly are, you couldn’t quite shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
“Girl, you stupid.” Breanna, your older cousin, stated bluntly. “This nigga is payin’ bills, showering you with gifts, and, wait, is the dick good?”
You swirled the spoon in the bowl of ice cream, unable to meet her eyes. “So good.” 
“Did you hit ya head or somethin’? I should walk out of this cafe right now. You called me alllllll the way out here with a SOS text message and I’m thinkin’ it’s a serious situation.” Giving you the stink eye, she stabbed her slice of pie viciously. “Bitch, you is living the dream.” 
“It is a serious situation.” Ignoring her ‘girl, stop it!’ look, you purse your lips, “Like, I don’t know where he works, what he does for a living. He told me a little bit about his childhood, but...” 
“Y/N, baby cousin, I love you like a sister, and because I care about you so much, I’m going to say something that might hurt your feelings.” Breanna comments, putting down her fork.
“Oh, damn. Lay it on me then, cuz.”
“Your current boo is not your stank ass ex, Mitchell. Girl, you need to celebrate, apparently yo pussy so good, you got a hotep willing to be a househusband. I mean, damn. Give me lessons!” Expressively, she gesticulated as her voice gained an octave. Customers glanced in y’all direction and you laughed nervously before glaring at her. “Sorry, sorry.” Breanna apologized, tone lowering again. “Does he know about Mitchell?”
“Can we change the subject from that whack ass nigga?” You complain.
Mitchell Sanders had been your high school sweetheart and the two of y’all had dated a year and a half through college. During the final year of your relationship, he had been increasingly short tempered and critical of everything about you. While you were young, dumb and in love, you weren’t too sprung that you didn’t love your melanin skin and his passive-aggressive, caustic comments about ‘if you were a little lighter...’ only frustrated and depressed you enough to eventually dump his ass. Not even two months later, he started dating Cassandra Wynters, a preppy white soccer player. Last you’d heard about the happy couple, they’d been racing for the nearest courthouse as she was pregnant.
“No, because that nigga got yo silly-dilly ass thinkin’ that yo future baby daddy is a no good asshole wit a white girlfriend on the side.” 
“Oh God. You know what? I’ma head on out of here.” You try to flag down the waiter, only Breanna kicks you in the shin. “Ow, bitch! Mercy!” You hiss through your teeth. “The hell?”
"You such a baby.” She rolled her eyes. “Sit wit me for a few extra minutes before I gotta go back home.” Breanna instructed sternly, in the way that only family members really could command somebody to do anything. “This the only time I get some personal time away from Miguel and Tiana.”
“Oooh, how are your kids?” You pick up your spoon, the melted sweet dripping off the end and back into the bowl. 
Snorting, her tone is fond as she says, “Bad as hell as usual. Dre’s watching them right now so it’s all good. They always behave for they daddy.” Mushy expression changing quickly, she pointed a finger at you accusingly, “Girl, don’t even try and change the subject, though! You need to communicate with ya man so that he can address these issues early in the relationship. I will not stand by and let you sabotage yourself because you scared that you feelin’ this dude a little too much.” 
“Whatever, Bre. I’m done talkin’ about this for today.” 
Even though you said that, it lingered at the back of your mind the rest of the day. Work was routine so you didn’t mess up due to inattentiveness, thank goodness, and you couldn’t talk to Nadia since right now the two of y’all were in some strange type of friendship/flatmate limbo. 
"Wassup?” That’s the greeting Erik gave you before giving you a peck on the lips. “...Ay, you good?” He asked, pulling back a little to scrutinize you carefully. 
‘Fuck, he’s figured it out!’ Reaching a hand up, you place it against the nape of his neck, leaning in for another quick kiss. “Mm, better now. I mean, heh, why wouldn’t I be?”
Score one for being overcompensating. 
Eyebrows raising, for a heart stopping moment you thought he’d call you out on your bullshit, but Erik just shook his head. “...Okay. Good day at work then. I can work wit that. I’m sayin’ though, you wanted to check out that restaurant on McMillan and 4th West Ave? I made a reservation if you still wanna go...?” 
“The restaurant with the skyline view of the city and that famous seafood chef that cooks his food fresh every day?” Eyes lighting up, you launch yourself into his arms and he gripped the back of your thighs, lifting you. “Yes, yes, yes! Please!” Hands framing his face, you kissed him again, this time more intently, feeling his fingers squeezing your thighs. “And afterwards we can come back here. You let me say thank you again, properly?I might even get on my knees.”
Erik set you down on your feet. Bodies brushing up against each other, there’s no mistaking the feeling of him being half hard. “Don’t start that shit. Teasing a nigga before we go out in public.” Popping you on the ass, he snorted at the squeal you let out. “Hurry up. That reservation at seven thirty.” 
You gaped at him momentarily, turning to leave, “Why didn’t you say that at first?!”
“I’m tellin’ you now!” 
Last minute as it was, the two of y’all showed up literally dressed to slay. All eyes were on the both of you. The question in all of those pale faces were ‘How can these negroes afford to eat here?’, if not phrased exactly like that, the point still stood. 
Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to care for once. 
It didn’t matter how Erik knew the chef personally and that they shook hands as if old friends, or how the table he’d booked was strategically placed right near the area where the chef worked and you wouldn’t miss a thing while he cooked. 
For tonight, you had decided to let those fears and anxieties go. To enjoy this date with ya man.
Then the weirdest thing happened. 
“Y/N?” A nasally, high pitched voice called. "Oh my God, Y/N! Hey, hi!” Waving excitedly is a slightly plump, but cute waitress. Handing off a tray of drinks to another waiter, she hurried over to the table. “It’s been so long.”
“Uhh, baby?” Erik is understandably confused and so are you.
“I’m sorry. Do I...know you?”
“Oh! Oh, duh!” Slapping her forehead, she went through a quick demonstration of your alma mater’s hand sign. “It’s me! Cassandra!” She added, when it became clear that you were still drawing a blank.
“O-Ooooh, Cas. Wooooow, girl. Hey.” Your greeting lacked enthusiasm and Erik raised an eyebrow at you. You valiantly ignored this as you grasped for something nice to say. “Lookin’ good, girl. Shoot, I ain’t even recognize you.”
“It’s okay.” Heavily, she dropped into a seat next to Erik and yourself after grabbing a chair from another table. “I know I put on a few pounds since college and I cut my hair.” 
“Nooo!” Waving your hands frantically, you shake your head, “It’s not that. It’s just...I thought you’d be on TV, living your dream as a soccer player and everything.” Erik ‘coughed’ into his fist. “Sorry! Cassandra, this is my man, Erik. Baby, this is Cassandra Wynters.”
He ignored her outstretched hand. “And we on a date. So...maybe get back to your job?” 
As if you’d only just recognized her uniform, you gasped, hoping it’s believable. “Oh damn! I didn’t mean to take up all your time with my chit-chatting. I don’t want you to get in trouble, and we are on a date, so... Rain check. I’ll have the, um, maitre d’ give you my contact info.” 
Cheeks flushed, she raised slowly from her position, “Right. So sorry, that was rude and inappropriate, my just running over here.” Laughing awkwardly, a little piggish snort escaped and you sipped at your drink to avoid laughing in her face. “I’ll catch you later then.” 
“Yep. Ta-ta!” Dismissing her, you turn your full attention onto Erik once again, relaxing only when she walked away. 
“That musta felt good, huh?” Erik is excellent at reading your body language and cues. You grin evilly and he snorted. “I can’t believe she just ran her ass over here like y’all was in a crowded subway station or something.”
Your shake your head and thank the waiter who refills the glasses while another takes the extra chair away again. “Some people have no home training!” You state in your best posh voice. 
Placing a hand over his chest, he played along, effecting a ‘shocked’ tone, “Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?”
It was very likely that y’all made all those white folks big mad with how y’all were laughing and carrying on. Enjoying the food and each other’s company. And when it came time to leave, Erik’s hand on your waist is a warm comfort as you catch sight of Cassandra being scolded by the maitre d’, or her boss, or whoever, at the corner of your eye. For a brief moment, the two of you stare at each other and you’re the first to look away, tilting your head up to kiss at Erik’s jaw, an action that caused him to startle briefly before he captured your lips in a kiss that toed the line between being indecent and sweet.  
Maybe its God, or karma, or something else telling you to stop questioning every single thing about the mystery surrounding this man, that when it was time to know, he would tell you. To enjoy being the central focus of someone’s attention and who actually, truly, wants to be with you and only you. That everything would work out. Whatever the lesson to be learned here, the thought, ‘I am so blessed.’ Kept reverberating through your brain on a loop. And yeah, you gave that dimple cheeked fool some road head while on the way back to his crib. 
Can you really be blamed? 
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I’M MOVING TO THE UK 🇬🇧 (again)!
The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things …
I’M MOVING TO THE UK 🇬🇧 (again)!
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Photo by David T on Unsplash  
And I’m a big bag of mixed emotions! 
(I know my last post on here was about being out of London for 3 years, kinda fitting this is the next one on here, also this was taken from my Facebook post, so not completely blog style🌞)
(This is a long one, go straight to the bottom for cliff notes if you want😅)
10 years ago I moved to London 🇬🇧 to try make my mark in the world as a creative, and as most of you know I came back to SA after only a year and a bit, broken-hearted, depressed and shattered (due to a multitude of factors😔). I worked for a bit in JHB, and got a bit of my mojo back. I then moved to Cape Town in 2014, where I fell in love with a city for the first time. I made incredible friends, did many adventurous things 🤸🏼‍♀️ and really started to work on myself on a microscopic level✨. I also continued to make incredibly bad money decisions💸, leading to debt while still dealing with depression and low self confidence. I went on a course that flipped me upside down and really brought myself into my own view (if that makes sense). I knew I couldn’t live the way I was living anymore and something needed to change.
In March 2018 I decided to go travel ✈️ to get a new perspective on life and myself, I also wanted to visit one of my best friends that had just had a baby and recently moved to Toronto, Canada. I managed to get the money together, book flights, move my house into storage and my cats flew to Joburg to be babysat by my parents. 6 weeks in North America was an enriching and soul healing experience❣️. Not because of any one thing happening, it just gave me time to reset, relook and revalue what I want in life. Walking around the Toronto streets by myself at night was the icing on the cake that made me realise that I want this kind of life, this kind of freedom. 🦋
The soul healing increased in intensity when I got back to Joburg as I started working with my mom on a spiritual level, in depth. It was hard, frustrating, draining and incredibly painful 😫 to take the rose tinted glasses off through which we view ourselves sometimes, and on the flip side apply the rose tint to the good qualities. Finding that balance between light and shadow. 🌓
Because of travelling I have known for a while I want to move somewhere I feel safer, more secure being by myself, doing things by myself. 🌟
A year and a half ago (January 2019) I made the decision to leave South Africa once again, to explore a different life/opportunities. I entered the Express Entry Pool for Canadian immigration 🇨🇦 in June 2019. I was hopeful, excited, nervous. I applied or jobs, I was obsessively looking on the facebook groups to see if there were any loopholes, changes, anything to get me in. I spent a fair bit of money getting my degree assessed and writing an english test (twice) to gain as many points as possible in hopes of getting in🤞🏼. The threshold of points kept going up and mine sat pretty low on the scale (no masters degree, being 30 or older etc etc). When I had first started looking into it, the National Occupation Code (NOC) that I fell into was on the skills shortage list, but  just before I got everything together to apply they took it off the in demand list. In January my points went down by 5 as I had turned 31 and July this year, my profile expired. I felt so disheartened. 😞
NB: Canada is not off the table, it is in my sights, just may be down the road, but who knows where this journey will take me.
In February this year a very traumatic experience, right outside my house, sealed my decision to leave and seek a safer life. Don’t get me wrong, I love South Africa 🇿🇦, it’s in my soul, the weather and sites are just amazing, the people are pretty amazing too (mostly)🌞. But after a few traumatic experiences, the way the government has annihilated taxpayers money and generally take no responsibility for their actions, my anxiety is through the roof. The fact that I don’t even feel safe walking around my neighbourhood with my parents and  dogs or by myself in a dog park really gets to me, I feel trapped. If the sun isn’t shining and I’m not in the (so thought) safety of my walls (and electric fencing) I’m on edge. 🤷🏼‍♀️
The day after my Express Entry Profile expired for Canada, I decided to relook living in the UK 🇬🇧. The first time around was really not the best experience, but that was 10 years ago. That was a different Chloë. I can make this second attempt a way better one because I have so much more life experience, work experience, mental attitude and fortitude, emotional maturity and sense of self worth (this all is still an ongoing learning curve, but thats the beauty of life). Not to mention I am waaaaaay better at handling my money! haha!🤣 
I gathered all my documents to apply for my Ancestral Visa, and found that I had saved, in the last year, more than enough money for the application fee, TB test and the NHS surcharge (payable upfront for 5 years – the exchange rate DID NOT help much 😂). I had to order new FULL birth certificates for my grandparents (to prove I’m of British decent, apparently the small old ones I had used previously no longer applied) and then voilà! I got my biometrics appointment on the 31st August and VISA APPROVAL (9th Sept)! 
I know that there will be many new challenges that this will bring. But I’m also looking forward to the growth and self exploration that comes with it. 💪🏼 AND just so you know I’m going into this eyes wide open 👀. I know every country has its problems, societal and governmental. The UK isn’t going to be “greener on the other side”, it will be what I make of it, where I place my energy. (Also LOL because it is so much greener, thanks to alllllll the rain 😆).
SO, well done if you actually read all that (a 🌟 for you💚)! I will be tying up all my things here in SA over the next two months and plan to be in the UK by mid November – very much looking forward to spending Christmas with my 95 year old Gran ❤️(covid permitting 🥺). 
🏠WHERE: I will also be putting a proper plan together for myself for when I’m actually there as I aim to just hop around a bit until I find a good fit for myself to settle (very much looking at Bristol, suggestions welcome). If any friends and family over there have space for me for a few nights (or weeks) from time to time would be greatly appreciated. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 London wasn’t my happy place (except for the music scene) and my priorities in life have changed since I was 21/22 – outdoors are much more involved now!
👩🏼‍💻WORK: I am aiming to carry on with my freelancing business as I want to keep my clients I have here in SA (already spoke to them), but I’m currently networking hard on linkedin to get some British clients going, ANY HELP in this regard would also be HIGHLY appreciated.🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 (some already have helped and I greatly appreciate this, thank you.)
CLIFF NOTES:
*The first time I moved to the UK it was a “negative” experience 😔
*Moving to Cape Town was awesome 🌞 but came with it’s own challenges
*I didn’t handle money well at all 💸
*Visited Canada in 2018, loved it, attempted to move there.🇨🇦
*Traumatic experiences made me want to leave SA even more.🔫
*Decided to apply for Ancestral Visa again. GOT IT! ✅
*I Will be moving to the UK in November 2020 – exact plans still pending. ✈️
*Anybody that has a bit of space for me in the UK for a few nights (or weeks) until I find where to settle would be massively helpful. 🏠
*Any networking tips and contacts in the creative industry to gain some clients would be AMAZING. (Don’t mind working on site on contract or part time either though!).👩🏼‍💻
Many thanks for reading all this, and many thanks to everyone who has contributed to this crazy journey I have been on. 🤪 All the good and bad times have shaped who I am, and I’m starting to really love who that is! 💜 Also very grateful the fact that I do have the choice of moving to the UK – thanks Grandparents! 
✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
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emilylewisxd · 5 years
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Soooooo. My life sucks
But it could be way worse!! And it's only temporary but! My severe high fuctioning anxiety and manic depression is telling me that I should have been perfect and maybe not sucked so damn much and also maybe I should jump off a cliff! Haha!
So my life kinda sucks right now and here's why!!
The man I am in love with loves me back! But we can't be together because of complicated social and political matters in the field that we are both in. And this started the depressive state of the manic depression.
I made it back to school this semester! Yay me! I worked my ass off all summer so that I could pay every penny of tuition that I owed and be able to enroll again this fall. With scholarships! Yes I am on academic probation but I did!! But! Now! I'm! So! Poor! Haha manic state OVER
I could *barely* afford books and music. My mother lent me $150 and it felt like I was asking for $6,000!
And my car. My wonderful piece of shit car. Had... parking tickets! That was in the budget to pay off! Next! Week! This friday in fact!!
BUT I locked myself out of my house due to pure exhaustion since I go to school alllllll day and work alllll night (two nine to five bro!!) And I had to pay my landlord an extra $200 in rent which is disguised as a "lockout fee" so guess what? I couldn't pay my tickets!!!
No worries I tell myself. I will pay them Friday when I get paid. But guess what...
The city!! Was angry!!! That I was harbouring so much money from them. So they slapped a boot on my car and took my $175 fee to a $240 fee. Uh-oh. That's okay. I tell myself. I'll have to go without food other than peanut butter for a week but... I can make it work. I'll pay the full amount on Friday.
But! GUESS!!! WHAT!!!!
They impounded my car. SO - with no mode of transportation and no money. I have to go to the impound. Pay back my tickets. Pay for the boot. Pay for the tow. Pay for the impound storage. And THEN. I GET MY CAR BACK.
So easy right? Except... it takes me 45 minutes to walk to class. And I have to get rides from friends or ride the bus. I am getting even less sleep. And my anxiety is causing me to LITERALLY SHAKE 24/7
But it's fine. None of it's in the budget and I will pay it back. And people will tell me that I should have been more responsible with my money or that I shouldn't have gotten parking tickets. And maybe they're right. Yeah it's my fault. But now I'm screwed. And exhausted. And there is no one I can turn to. No one. I squeezed the last $50 out of my mom that I could and I'm starving. My last $12 in cash went to getting my dog some food.
Being an adult is hard. I'm doing my best.
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mumuonmission · 7 years
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Gospel Freedom
True Christians won’t deny the freedom in the Gospel for salvation. We believe in the one true Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Gospel that Jesus is God and that He came in the form of a human to live and die for our sins, resurrected and ascended back into Heaven leaving those who believe with the Holy Spirit. But how often do we apply the Gospel to our every day lives? How often do we live out the assurance in Christ in our daily troubles?
Jeff Vandersvelt would say that we’re all unbelievers at times, whether our hearts are regenerate or not. If you're like me, you’ve lived more years without knowing the Gospel than knowing, so the Gospel may still be a foreign language. What does it look like to live Gospel-centered lives where we not only know the Gospel, but we believe in it, and apply it? Vandersvelt says, “A life of true living is a life of faith in Jesus, a life of believing in Jesus in the everyday stuff of life.”
Being Gospel fluent is first believing in the Gospel and God’s power to make us more & more like Him through faith in Jesus. That is sanctification.
“But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18
Paul speaks of the glory of Jesus being greater than the glory of the old covenant. My pastor once told me, “a sinner isn’t someone who breaks the law, for that would mean the opposite is following the law. A sinner is someone who doesn’t believe.” We have all struggled with unbelief even after being saved. We are Christians not because we abstain from sin, but because we believe in Jesus. We believe we are saved through faith in Christ through grace alone. (Ephesians 2:1-10) We maintain that salvation through that same faith in Christ. (Galatians 3:1-6) Salvation lives in us, therefore we live in freedom. God will give us the belief to behold Him, and through Him, He changes us. Believing in the Gospel is living in freedom.
Gospel fluency = Gospel freedom
We need to preach the Gospel to: -ourselves to fight the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:10-12) -other believers to encourage one another as long as today is called today (Hebrews 3:12-14) -unbelievers because it is the Great commission and it is the natural response to any good news we receive, to share it! (Matthew 28-18-20)
Here is a practice from “Gospel Fluency” to help you rehearse the Gospel. 1. Who is Jesus? 2. What did Jesus do? 3. What must we do? 4. What happens to us?
Take the time to think and write down the answers whether you’re doing this your self or with a group of people.
Here are some examples of what me and my friends came up with:
1. Who is Jesus fully man-fully God son of God sacrifice for our sins/wrath satisfying sacrifice - propitiation savior perfect man who lived a perfect life
2. What did Jesus do? atonement for our sins died on the cross resurrected made disciples abolished the law set us free comfort us turned enemies into friends got us adopted into the family healed the sick casted our evil spirits ascended into Heaven intercedes for us
3. What must we do?
confess our belief confess our sins repent believe get baptized
4. What happens to us?
we are no longer slaves to fear/sin. we’ve been set free. we’re children of God God lives in us we live on mission to make disciples
This exercise helps you break down the Gospel, now to apply it! If we believe in this Gospel freedom, we must respond to our every day issues with it. We must fight the fight of faith by believing in Jesus over any sin and area of doubt. A constant repentance (not just turning from sin-but what we believe in our sin) and trusting Jesus. We’re called to not only believe this but to share this. It is so easy to respond to the problems of others with our flesh. Sometimes we just straight up want to tell our friends unwise advice out of our emotions. But sometimes we mean well & try to give good advice but end up giving surface level “religious” advice. I don't think twice about telling my friend to leave a bad boyfriend or even give motivational weight-loss tips to a friend who complains about being fat. Both of these solutions aren't completely bad. They may actually be needed, but without the assurance of the Gospel your friend will not defeat their sin or live in their freedom. Good results do not equal Gospel freedom. How do we communicate in a way that not only leads to good results, but the belief that Jesus is better?
This Gospel Fluency link has several tools to apply and teach it to others, but I’ll share one way you can address everyday issues with the Gospel.
“What’s the question? Jesus is the answer. What’s the problem? Jesus is the solution.” -Tim Chester/Steve Timmis
To practice being be fluent in the Gospel you must take your life issues & speak Jesus (who He is & what He did for you) over it. You do this by identifying your sin & replacing it with the truth-the assurance you have in the Gospel. The night I taught Gospel Fluency to my friends, I did an exercise using several fictional characters with issues. We highlighted the character’s issues and spoke directly to each one with the truth of the Gospel. That night exposed how easy it is to know the Gospel but not know how to clearly apply it. That night was also hard for me because hours before I received bad news that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy to share the Gospel-lies of all lies.
I was at my desk trying to pay off my late fall semester fees and register for spring classes. I knew I had a hold on my account for my past dues, but what I didn’t know was that I was on academic suspension. My heart was crushed. My journey to finish undergrad has been trying to say the least. No point of discussing all the stress, foolishness, anxiety, etc. that has brought me to my 8th year. But this hurt more than other time I’ve failed in life because I was really trying to get it together. This was the year I finally got help and addressed the issues Ive been living in secret about. This was the year I was supposed to focus on school and love my family more than ever. I immediately broke down. I feared disappointing my family, mainly my parents. All they want for me is to make good grades, graduate, and have a successful job. I felt ashamed. I was ashamed of not only the amount of years I’ve been in school, but now the fact is that number is only getting higher. In my fear and embarrassment, I told myself I can’t teach that night. After about an hour of crying, I told myself I need to fix this. I stopped lying to my parents, so I knew I couldn’t hide this. I decided I was going to come up with this long detailed plan about how I was wrong and how I would work to be back in school and be better than ever. (religion) After another hour of crying and feeling shame, I realized that I had to surrender my thoughts & actually believe this message I was going to teach these ladies.
So I prayed, cried & asked God to make my heart believe. & because I’m more hands on, I took out some paper and decided to do the lesson I was going to do with the ladies on myself. On the left side I wrote out my issues (what I was believing instead of Jesus).
1. school/suspension - I believed that my joy and success was in graduating according to my time.
2. fear of my parents and embarrassment/shame from others - I believed in the approval of people-mainly my parents.
3. detailed plan to fix this - I believed in my own efforts in doing better and getting the approval
4. not wanting to teach the Gospel - I believed in my own righteousness that makes me worthy
Then on the right side of my issues I wrote down the truth in the Gospel.
1. My joy comes from Christ alone. Worldly success comes and goes and is relative. True success is what Jesus did on the cross. I am able to rejoice in that accomplishment because through faith His grace abounds in me. I can finish school in Jesus name, but I can not make it lord over my life.
  2. God saw me as enemy and through Christ He has called me a friend, a child, co-heirs, beloved, Holy, righteous, etc. I am approved by God. He loves me and He is never ashamed of me.
3. Salvation is a gift of God. I don’t need to work to earn God’s salvation or His approval. It is not my work or efforts that make me better. It is from God and through God, that I’m being made better. The grace in salvation leads me to do good works not the other way around. I don’t work for the approval or from my own strength. I depend on God’s strength and believe in Christ’s righteousness as my own approval.
4. The Gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ not the good news of me. I could never earn salvation or be worthy of being a messenger of salvation off of my good works. I am worthy because Jesus was worthy and when God sees me He sees Christ. I don’t share a message that gives life b/c I am good, but because He is good. His righteousness makes me worthy.
God broke me down, just to pick me up in His Gospel love. & In His abundant grace upon grace, He allowed my parents to share in His unconditional love for me at a time I was ready for them to insult me. 
I can only walk in His Gospel freedom if I believe in this Gospel freedom. 
This is one of many issues I deal with everyday. Not including the issues friends, family, co-workers, strangers bring to me. Will we be messengers of freedom or messengers of false hope? I cringe at alllllll times I have spoke “religious repentance” to myself and others. Telling people the truth of the Bible, but with the fear and motivation not to fall short. 
“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” The Gospel sets us free from our shackles, yet we continue to put them back on ourselves. The Gospel has opened the doors of our prison cell, but we sit and try to figure out how we can escape. THE DOOR IS OPEN. We must believe the door is open and walk in our freedom.
It is hard. It’s hard when the world doesn't believe in Jesus. When they can’t trust Christianity because their eyes are blind, hearts are of stone, and “Christians” don’t show the love of Christ. It’s hard when you're in community with believers who believe in punishment and calling out your sins over bearing and loving one another. It’s hard when you go to sleep in tears because you don’t believe God is pleased with you. Gospel freedom is not only believing but changing this culture of fear and condemnation. We’re called to preach and show this Gospel of love, hope, and assurance to ourselves, other believers, and non-believers. It will be awkward, uncomfortable, different, scary, etc. but it is not in our own power. 
Paul reminds Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:7 that, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” He says this to encourage him in his faith in the Gospel through the Holy Spirit. He continues in verses 8-14, “therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me. Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.”
We have to know the Gospel like we know English. We have to believe in this Gospel like our lives depend on it. We simply surrender. And when we don’t believe we cry out, “Jesus is better, make my heart believe.” I can’t get over the verses, “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom!” I can say it and sing with the hope and assurance because He lives in me! I am free!
Believe. Share the Gospel. Change the culture. 
Tools to practice on yourself & with others---> Gospel Fluency resources: 
http://www.gcmcollective.org/article/gospel-fluency/
http://saturatetheworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Excerpt-Gospel-Fluency.pdf
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