#and it's all because now i am truly stuck living with my parents. no way out in this plague. and i DO NOT FEEL SAFE AND CAN NEVER RELAX

[nochukoo97]

we can’t be friends (wait for your love) - teaser

pairing: childhoodfriend!jk x childhoodfriend!oc

summary: you and jungkook have been friends since birth, and as you both grow into teenagers, you can’t help but have some sorr of longing feeling towards him. but after a turn of events, you move away from your home town, growing apart from the boy you onced were close to. almost a decade later when you decide to move back, there’s someone familiar yet unfamiliar waiting for your arrival… was this the universe giving you a sign about him?

warnings/tags: story starts off when the both of them are children, but most of the plot is when they are adults :)), eventual: kissing, an emotional rollercoaster 🥲, they’re stuck in a ‘what are we’ moment, playing a waiting game of who confesses first, a little bit of angst, smut, but fluff too hehe

a/n: IM BACK 🥲 after being in writers block sighhh but i am back hehehe hope u r excited for this!! anyways this is just an intro for the actual fic, its more of what happened before the present which will be in the main part hehehe

TAGLIST OPEN!!

(this is the introduction, the main part is coming soon :)))

MASTERLIST

23 July 2007

You’re currently wedged between two bookshelves in the living room of your house, eyes trained on the words in your book, giggling to yourself when the plot takes a funny turn. Meanwhile in the background, Jungkook and your brother Taehyung, both a year older than you, the two ten year old boys play fighting in your parents backyard, their game was way too rough for you to even watch, you decided.

That’s always the way it’s been since you were young, Jungkook’s mum dropping him off at your parents place as he spent time with your brother, mostly roughhousing like they are now, and you, at nine years old, simply tucking yourself in another fairytale, which to you seemed like a much better way to past time.

You never truly spent a lot of time with the two of them when Jungkook would come over, besides the once-in-a-while moments where your parents would make you guys bond a little through board games or card games which the two elder boys would never take seriously, the games always ending in them either throwing the board game pieces at each other or stacking the cards into a pyramid.

When it came to school, you tried your best to stay away from bumping into your brother at school, but you’d always end up being teased in front of your friends by him and Jungkook, making fun of your two pigtails or your very glittery pink bag you had just gotten as a birthday gift, but you were used to it anyways, having grown up with a brother.

12 August 2011

Four years go by and now you’re finally completing your last year in middle school, Jungkook and your brother having moved on to high school, and as expected, they end up attending the same school, as they have done their whole life.

But since four years ago, a lot has changed. You’ve grown much closer to Jungkook, having gone on quite a few trips with his family, and you could even consider him a close friend. Most importantly, he’d grown from being a kid to a teenager, even though he was only a year older than you, the 14 year old boy suddenly became someone you always wanted to hang out with. To you, you saw him as someone cool. Instead of teasing you along with your brother, he now would defend you from your brother’s teasing, treat you to ice cream on the weekends and even teach you the video games he played with your brother.

“And then he let me get as many toppings as I wanted,” You tell your friends, clicking the buttons on your phone to show them the picture of your ice cream, filled to the brim with all sorts of toppings because Jungkook said you could.

“You’re so lucky, I wish I had a boyfriend like that,” Jiyeon sighs, pouting her lips as she sulks.

Your face turns red, tip of your ears warm as you quickly deny, “He isn’t my boyfriend! Just a friend… In fact he was my brother’s friend first,” No, you couldn’t even begin to try and imagine Jungkook as someone more than your friend!

“Well, but you should definitely confess to him on valentine’s day, it’s in like six months,” Yuji twirls her hair, nudging your leg slightly as she giggled.

To the three of you, as 13 year old girls, having a valentine was a big deal, especially since the whole idea of a crush and all was new to you guys as teenage girls.

“No! I don’t have feelings for him! He’s just nice to me I guess,” You frown at Yuji, just because she confessed to her crush and now apparently has a boyfriend, doesn’t mean you need to do it too, you decided.

You didn’t have a crush on Jungkook right?

You push away the thought quickly, this whole topic was so taboo to you, it made you feel squirmy thinking about it. No, you didn’t have any sort of feelings towards the older boy, never.

-

So that day when you arrived back at home, spotting Jungkook and Taehyung sitting at the table and doing their homework, you decide to take a seat away from the certain boy.

“Huh? Why are you sitting all the way there? Come back here,” Jungkook hums, pulling out his earphones in bewilderment, you had always sat next to him whilst the three of you would do homework together after school, nudging him here and there to ask for help with a math problem.

“I- okay,” You scooch towards the chair next to him, dragging your books along the table as you avoid eye contact. Your cheeks heating up again as you remember your conversation with your friends in school earlier, it made you feel all tingly inside, but why were you being so weird in front of him?

“You’ve been staring at that math problem for ages, need help?”

You jump up in surprise at Jungkook’s voice , letting out a small yelp as your brother snickers at you from across the table, you kick his shin in response, sending his hands flailing to the injury, mumbling some cuss word you don’t understand.

“Yeah,” You only muster out a whisper, handing over your pencil to the boy, who finds your behaviour a little off but nonetheless, doesn’t comment on it.

And while he explains the solution and working to find the value of X, you can only notice his eyes, his nose, the mole under his lips, the scar on his cheek from when he fought with your brother years ago, his lips.

And then you for yourself to snap out of your daydream when his eyes lock with yours in confusion as to why you’re staring at him instead of your workbook.

03 January 2012

But then five months later, opportunity for valentine’s day didn’t even come for you anyways, as you pack your bags to move miles away from the place you once called home, since your father had been posted to a new country for his work.

The whole idea of leaving your life behind and all the people you’ve ever known since young was such an overwhelming feeling that you didn’t even think once about your feelings for Jungkook anymore, or maybe you did once, but it didn’t matter.

So when you tugged your luggage and watch your brother sadly hug his best friend goodbye at the airport, reality struck, you wouldn’t ever get a chance to even properly assess your feelings for Jungkook anyways, so you simply wave him goodbye, not looking back so you don’t think further than a goodbye.

He did make sure to exchange his Instagram and Facebook with you, promising you and your brother to keep in touch, which you agreed to. Maybe there was a part of you that wanted to cling onto the idea of him, but you didn’t let yourself believe that anyways.

#jungkook fluff #jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook au #jungkook ff #jungkook smut #jungkook x oc #bts #jungkook x you #jungkook drabble #jungkook angst #jungkook imagine #jungkook imagines #jungkook fanfic #jungkook scenarios

[missxmav]

new beginnings - tom kazansky

tom 'iceman' kazansky x reader

Summary: Tom finds his pregnant wife in the heart of their shared home, the sight of her simply takes his breath away. Word count: 1,120+ Warnings: fluuuufffff, SERIOUSLY FLUFFY SOFT TOM, pregnancy, afab!reader (still working on gender neutral tone as best I can), assumptions about size (I play into the plus size side of things because I am plus size, but there's no direct mention), no use of y/n (just she/her pronouns) A/N: This is only rough edited by myself, I'm so sorry for any mistakes. (Im rusty as f*ck at fic writing) I've had this fic in my back pocket for months, please enjoy all the fluff. I'm head over heels for val kilmer as a person, and I'm well aware that the gif is not from Top Gun... this is however an aged up version of Commander Kazansky (;

Tom wasn't typically a man of many words, even after Top Gun and becoming a commander... He was still on track to becoming an admiral in a couple years and his stoic ice-cold exterior has carried him far in the Navy. No, there wasn't much that could get in his way now. 

Except for her.

She melted his every icy edge. Especially now that she's 7 months pregnant with his baby. The way she waddled around the sizable estate that he purchased the year they got married. It'd been nearly 7 years since that beautiful day, but Tom and his wife decided to focus on their separate careers before committing to living with little ones under foot. He was nearing his mid-to-late 30's now and with his career excelling, his mind constantly settled on imagining what her beautiful features would be like mixed with his. 

Would they get his ice-like stare or her warm bright irises that see right through to his soul? Would they get his pin straight hair that stuck up in all the wrong places or her beautiful, textured hair that fell beautifully in every light? 

His mind would run rampant every time he looked at her, his eyes never failing to trail up and down her whole figure. He would linger on her face, taking in how absolutely mesmerizing she was in the pregnancy glow before darting down to her ever-changing belly. It was very noticeable now, and the way she braced the underside of the bump softened his stare every time. Even through the literal growing pains of making a human, she looked ethereal. He subconsciously pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Tom was fully convinced that she could never be more beautiful than she was in this exact moment. 

With a warm but soft chuckle under his breath, he stood slowly and made his way over to her. The book she'd been perusing at the kitchen counter happened to be a cookbook he got her for Christmas in the early years of their relationship. He'd assumed she must be craving something specific by the way she quickly flipped through the pages. He placed his hands over the tops of her shoulders, giving a gentle rub to the tense muscles in her shoulder blades and leaned in to kiss her neck. The smell of her conditioner and body wash from her shower this morning is almost intoxicating. His body was warm, causing her to lean back on his chest.

"You're absolutely radiant dear," Tom stated, a smile forming across his lips. "And absolutely distracting..." He hasn't been able to take his eyes off her since she entered the kitchen adjacent to the doors of his office. He'd been trying to get through some paperwork before finding her to ask what you might want for lunch as she graced her way into the heart of their shared home.

She was one of the only women that could ever truly take his breath away, though many tried. Even in a moment like this... with his wedding band heavy on her finger and growing the fruit of his love for her in her tummy, he still had to remind himself to breathe.

His large arms made their way down her body until they gently embraced her and her bump. He supported her belly gently, the same way the two had learned in the parenting classes Tom insisted on attending once she confirmed her pregnancy. The soft hum that escaped her throat told him that she needed this. Her eyes fluttered closed as he stood there, swaying gently with her in his arms.

“Blueberry.” Was the only thing that snapped the quiet of the moment between the two of them. Her words were soft in his ears. Tom raised an eyebrow in curiosity as he leaned forward to place his chin on her shoulder. The pages of the cookbook landed on a muffin recipe that had been dog-eared and made enough times to sport the stains of baking chaos. 

Another low chuckle reverberated through his chest. “Cravings?” Tom placed another gentle kiss on her neck as he slowly released his childbearing wife to turn to the refrigerator behind him. This recipe was one he was familiar with, having made it several times over the years. He grabbed out the bowl of blueberries, buttermilk, butter and eggs while his wife gathered the remaining dry ingredients. 

A quiet melodic sound filled the kitchen as Tom watched his wife pull up the large glass bowl from the cabinet. The smile spread across his face as he recognized their wedding song falling from her lips. “I wanna know what love is…”

Tom set the cold ingredients out on the counter, crossing the kitchen swiftly to pull her back into his arms. “I want you to show me…” He whispered to her, a hum parting his lips as he twirled her around slowly in the afternoon light of their kitchen. He mirrored her radiant smile as they slowly swayed together, her baby bump separating them a little more than usual but neither of them cared. 

After enjoying the embrace of her husband, Tom’s wife pushed him away gently as she resumed making the muffins lil’ kazansky was craving so badly. The blonde commander only laughed as he kissed her hand before parting their embrace. He too busied himself making muffins again wordlessly as he reached into the bottom drawer of the oven. Grabbing out the old muffin tin, he paused to preheat the oven as he lingered there for a moment.

Tom’s hand immediately found his wife’s lower back as he brought the tin over to the island countertop, using the other to place the white liners in each cup. A devious giggle caught his attention and before he could even blink, she’d managed to touch his nose with a flour-covered hand. His steely eyes closed suddenly as she swiped at his face, unable to hide the slow grin that parted his lips as he dipped his own hand into the bowl of flour. 

He laughed as he pulled her back from the counter slightly, his flour covered hand landing gently over the top of her baby bump. The white handprint was stark on her dark dress. The gasp that escaped from the woman in his arms only made him laugh harder as she rolled her eyes and shook her head at her husband’s antics. 

"What am I going to do with you, Thomas Kazansky? ” She said exasperatedly despite a smile growing on her face.

“Love me.” He said simply, his eyes gazing deeply into hers as he pulled her in close again. “And make muffins with me forever.” She laughed, her heart full, as she accepted his proposal.

#tom kazansky x reader #tom iceman kazansky x reader #iceman x reader #tom kazansky #tom iceman kazansky #iceman #top gun iceman #top gun #top gun maverick #tom kazansky x pregnant!reader #fluff #val kilmer #pregnant reader

[your-nanas-house]

𝓦𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝔀𝓮, 𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓸𝓽?

◇ Pairing: Neil Lewis X best friend!Reader

◇ Warnings: fluff, sadness, mean parents, Neil's made up childhood, friends to lovers, kiss, tuna

◇ Summary: Neil has to bring his girlfriend to the Christmas dinner with his family, the problem?... He doesn't have one so he asks his best friend.

◇ Note: Another amazing collaboration with @mrkdvidal1989. First fic of the new "event" 'From love to Love'.

Neil froze hearing his mother's words over the phone. His eyes widened in shock while Y/n walked in front of him, peacefully sorting out movies while humming. Unaware that her best friend was just going through a hurricane of thoughts at the ridiculous demand of his mother.

You take her or don't bother to come, she said, and after not getting any response for a couple seconds, she hung up with a sigh of annoyance. He knew how his mother was but usually… he didn't care too much. Usually the whole family would just pick on him “playfully” because of the fact that he was still single, just running his store for a living. Suddenly breathing got heavier and the humiliation set in, as he sighed moving quickly. Passing by Y/n, he rushed to his office, in need of a moment to deal with his own feelings.

“I can’t” were the first words that left Neil’s mouth since the call ended, it was crazy and dangerous and he was pretty much regretting having picked up the phone that morning, he would have lived better without knowing those annoying news. 

He had to go back “home” for Christmas… back to his childhood house more like, as he never truly felt there like home. After a couple of years now going there just to spend Christmas all together like they used to do. A fucking nightmare. How could he survive, he thought, his hands covering his face in pure desperation, so worried and pissed to go there… he was off age, why couldn’t he do what he wanted?

That’s how his colleague and friend found him, leaned on his desk, at the edge of crying.

”Man, I'm just trying to help.” Jonathan shrugged, after he came quickly to the Gumshoe right after Y/n’s shift ended, passing by her at the door with a smile. Neil huffed with helplessness. He knew that his friends just wanted to help him with the issue, but nevertheless it was.. more than frustrating. Pacing back and forth he stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, thinking intensely. Looking… for a solution that wouldn't require making himself look like a fool in front of his best friend.

“And how the fuck am I supposed to ask her, huh? Not that I intend to.” Neil hissed, gesticulating in desperation “I can’t do that! Especially not to her, I have been stuck celebrating all those awful events, forced by my parents… She would come willingly. That would be—” Jonathan interrupted him quickly, shaking his head “Man, calm down! we don’t even know if she can, I’m just telling you that you should try. You always say that everything is way more fun when she’s around so why not try to fight this by using her..help, huh?” the man suggested, proud of himself as he waited for Neil’s reaction “she even likes to dress up and trust me, bet she would be way happier to come with you there than to participate at another of the events here in the show” he commented quietly.

”How can you know that?” Neil snapped, as he registered only the first part of the sentence, his mind jumping to the conclusion that Jonathan was spending a lot of time with her. Jealousy racing through his veins in a second. 

Seeing it, Jonathan rolled his eyes at the reaction. 

”Yeah, and maybe.. maybe you two could sort that weird… “friendship” out.” He suggested, gesturing in the air as he spoke. ”No need to get snappy, man. She seems to like only one geek, and you already took that spot.” He joked eventually, wanting to ease the atmosphere. It worked, as Neil smiled weakly. 

It was true, they were friends ever since Neil approached her in the third grade asking about the sandwich she had. For her the tuna sandwich was the grossest thing in the world, but little Neil had shiny eyes at the thought of it. She called him gross and he pushed her. That's how their friendship started, ironically. 

She sure was perfect and that way Neil wouldn’t have ruined their every-year plans.. Christmas Eve together and a quick meeting at Christmas, like always. They could spend even more time together if she agreed to go with him.

Huffing, he sat down in the armchair as he ran his hand through his dark hair. Was it really a good idea? he wondered silently, glancing a couple of times towards Jonathan, who was still standing there awkwardly. Even if she wasn’t in the store anymore, he should have called or gone to her apartment but… he couldn’t leave Gumshoe, right? 

He remained lost in his thoughts for a couple of minutes, coming back to reality hearing a soft knock on his office door. His baby blue eyes snapped up as he sat better on his chair, surprised to see Y/n back there, a smile on her face. “Sorry to interrupt the …meeting, I just left my scarf in your office Neil, so I came back to get it. It’s pretty cold outside, I was freezing…” she revealed continuing to ramble while walking to the small sofa in his office, grabbing her scarf before heading back to the door. Neil was forced now to ask her, it looked really like faith. 

“Weenie—” he spoke abruptly, making her stop mid step, and turn around to face him with a raised eyebrow, the nickname catching her attention immediately like every time, just like the way he said it. Instead of the casual, easygoing tone of his, he sounded.. nervous and awkward. The tone that Y/n knew too well, which piqued her interest just as much as the old nickname that they have been using for several years. “What, dink?” she asked with a soft smile on her face. Jonathan just staring at them with wide eyes and toothy grin, seeing how the stare they shared couldn’t be one of just friends.

Neil looked at his feet awkwardly, not knowing how to start. 

”Yeah, tell her, Dink.” Jonathan mocked playfully, earning a soft slap on the back of his head from Y/n, who scolded him and reminded him that she was the only one that could call Neil like that and he should have respect for his own boss. One stern glance from Neil was enough to make him lift his hands in surrender.

”Alright, alright. I got the message.” He said, slowly heading to the door. 

Just before the door closed shut, he shot Neil one last look that was basically saying “tell her, idiot!” 

A sigh pushed past the nervous man's lips as he was left alone with his best friend in the office. Neil had no energy and will to play around the topic, so he just took a deep breath approaching her closer. 

”Look… if I had any different choice, I wouldn't… I wouldn't try to pull you into it..” He started off, sitting on the desk in front of her, looking down at his hands, making her quite nervous. But without a second thought she lifted his chin with her hand, making him look in her eyes. 

”You can pull me into anything as long as you follow, you know that— Stop being so nervous, now, I’m starting to fear that it’s something big and concerning” She urged, feeling that something wasn't right… not with how he was trying to avoid eye contact with her. 

”Are you involved with the mafia, Dink?” She held back a giggle, using her best poor Italian accent to try to ease the tension and his mood, successfully as he giggled back. 

“Are you trying to perform as Robert De Niro, now?” he huffed amused “You are still doing it wrong” Neil added, commenting on her performance “Lies, you’re just jealous of my skills. Bet someone could actually mistake me for him, bit of makeup and I look just like him” she joked, her smiles switching slowly into a soft one when Neil spoke softly to deny it “You are beautiful… so shut up” he quickly added the last part to ease the awkward tension. She chuckled as well, sighing as she sat at the chair in front of the desk.

”So.. tell me. What do you need, Neil?” Y/n asked seriously this time, so he mirrored her body language. 

”Okay so… My mother said… well, more like forced me? Obligated me… to bring at the christmas dinner a girlfriend and… and she said that if I don't I.. I shouldn't even come.” He stuttered out nervously again, glancing at Y/n as she kept listening to him while nodding. She didn't say anything, as she knew that it wasn't the end of the story. Neil knew it too. 

”andithoughtthatyoucouldgowithme” he spat out really quickly, breathing deeply just at the end of the sentence, almost passing out. 

Y/n tried not to laugh at that, nodding as if she understood everything he said to her “Now.. I have known you for years, Dink. I know what you said but you know how much I like to see you in such a state, huh. Ask it better” she requested, humming while crossing her legs smugly, waiting for Neil’s next move.

He scoffed at that, of course she wanted that... and he was going to give it to her like every time “Fine! You dick.. Would you come with me… please” he asked, showing her his pleading eyes, earning a chuckle from her “First, I’m not a dick. Second… of course I will, you dork” she answered, leaving a couple of seconds of silence before giving him her final answer, creating suspense between them.

Neil was just nodding sadly, sighing softly as his hand rested on her small shoulder, patting it twice “I know that you would have….wait what—” he raised his voice quickly, his eyes snapping to hers as his mood changed completely “You’re not joking, right?” he asked to make sure he could celebrate his victory. Y/n just rolled her eyes before she got up, kissing his cheek exaggerating the noise. 

”I’m not, but now I need to run if I want to make it to the bus. See you later, send me the details.” She said quickly, running through the door with a smile. 

Neil sat there in silence for a moment before exhaling loudly. Then a slow smile appeared on his lips. 

. *time lapse* .

The snow kept falling down on them as they waited in front of the big mansion, looking at each other every now and then

”You can do it… we can do it. Together.’’ she reminded him as soon as she felt his nervousness, squeezing his hand in her own. 

Neil exhaled, straightening his back as he glanced at her. She nodded, and they went to the door, knocking before they'd change their mind. Here we go, no backing away now. Neil knocked, and they waited a couple seconds before steps approached the door, swinging them open and showing the silhouette of Neil's mother. 

”Oh, Neil… you're here.” She said with a fake smile plastered on her face. Then her gaze fell on Y/n and her eyes shone with respect. Y/n really was a pretty girl, nice features, styled hair and a very pleasant body, she was also all dolled up like Neil asked her, just for that dinner… ready to support her best friend as best she could. ”..and who's that?” the older woman asked, reaching out to Y/n, who shook her hand with a smile. 

”That’s Y/n. My.. girlfriend.” Neil informed his mother, stuttering for a second, glancing at Y/n when the word girlfriend left his mouth. 

His mother just nodded, lifting her chin up higher with a smaller smile.

”Come in.” She said, opening the door wider and closing them behind them.

It will be a long night, Y/n thought seeing the rudeness in his mother's eyes. 

. *couple hours later* .

Y/n clenched her jaw again that night, hearing the two-sided comments towards Neil. He was quiet most of the time.. before he wasn't, as his younger brother threw an insult towards Y/n this time. 

”Watch your fucking mouth.” He barked at him suddenly, surprising everyone by the table. His father's eyes widened, and a little smile appeared on his lips. George gasped in shock, as it never happened before that Neil would actually stand up for himself. He'd either ignore him or just stutter out some insult back. 

”Neil” His mother scolded another time throughout the dinner, and Y/n was fed up. She scooted back, and the chair squeaked, scratching the wooden floor from the sudden movement. 

”Are you serious? This little brat insults him all night and you won't say anything, but when Neil stands up for me, you dare to scold him?” Y/n spoke up in a harsh, stern tone. The icy gaze in her eyes was enough to make everyone go quiet. 

”I… I..” His mother stuttered out, still shocked. 

Neil got up suddenly, heading to the door as he needed some fresh air. That whole “Christmas” dinner was a nightmare. 

Y/n and Mrs. Lewis kept glaring at each other, and as the older woman opened her mouth to continue arguing, her husband's fist slammed at the table, startling her. 

”Enough! Are you happy with ruining our Christmas dinner?” His low voice boomed at her, as he had enough of her backhanded compliments and rude talk. Seeing the situation, Y/n decide to leave as well, grabbing one of the tuna sandwiches from the plate standing on the table, fully knowing that Neil didn't manage to eat anything. Just some baked potatoes but she stole most of them from him. Rushing through the corridor, Y/n noticed that his jacket was gone, so she didn't hesitate to get out of the house. 

Looking around, her heart pounded, not seeing him anywhere. Only as she looked at the other side of the road she noticed him, sitting on the bench despite the cold wind and falling snow. 

He was visibly upset, with red cheeks and nose, tucked into his big jacket to keep some warm, and snowflakes in his dark hair… he looked beautiful. Even more than usual, she thought. 

Even though she was heading to him, he didn't hear her steps or the crunching of snow under the sole of her boots. Only when she stood in front of him, Neil looked up at her face with teary eyes, making her expression soften. 

She didn’t say anything, just moved her arm to show him what she was hiding under her coat, a small smile on her face. Neil looked at her, glancing down at the thing she was offering to him, a smile breaking on his face as well.

“A gross tuna sandwich for the grosser boy I know” she sang, moving the food closer to Neil, her cold flushed cheeks making her look like a kid “Come on… take a bite or do you need me to feed you, huh?” She teased, handing him the sandwich after she moved it in tiny circles in front of his face, so that he could sniff its smell. 

Neil grabbed it, brushing his warm hands against her cold ones before sticking out his tongue like a kid, just like when he was younger.

Y/n watched him take it,  before she sat down on the cold bench next to him. She didn’t talk, just leaned her head on his shoulder, sneaking her hand in his pocket to hold his bigger one in hers.

They stayed like that for some minute, in silence and now in each other’s arms ‘’Don’t listen to them, Dink…’’ she whispered, watching his side profile as he ate his sandwich. Neil was clearly lost in his mind for a while as they just sat there, getting covered with snow. Several minutes passed before Y/n attempted to talk again. 

”I don't regret coming here with you.” She confessed, making him look at her, surprise written all over his face. 

”How come?” He asked, confused. Neil couldn't think of a single reason for why she would actually be happy about coming on the Christmas dinner to his family. It went.. horrible. 

Y/n shrugged, playing with his big long fingers. 

”I mean… I don't know.” She backed off a little, feeling a little ashamed of her confession. Neil could see that she wanted to say something else, but doubt crept up her mind. He grabbed her chin suddenly, surprising her and himself as well, making her look in his baby blue eyes that looked even more charming with the white snow in the background. 

”Tell me.” He asked more like commanded in a quiet voice. Suddenly the atmosphere between them got more.. intimate than fragile like before. His gaze didn't falter for a second, as he boldly starred in her eyes. 

Y/n felt like that moment would pass soon if she didn't take the change.

”I.. I liked.. playing your girlfriend.” She spoke up, matching the volume of his voice. Neil’s eyes shifted down, looking at all the features of her face separately, carefully and taking his time. The intention in his eyes was visible, and made Y/n’s breath deepen as her heart started pounding in her chest. 

”I like it too.” He whispered, subconsciously leaning in, reducing the distance between them with each second. 

Without a second of doubt, Y/n moved closer, tilting her head up so he could reach her lips more easily. 

Even though they both knew it was coming, the sensation that went through their bodies was.. shocking. Knowing each other for years, neither of them would expect to feel… such fireworks while kissing. 

Her soft lips moved against his slowly, sensually without any rush. Neil was completely frozen, not moving at all as he didn't want to ruin the moment. Y/n wasn't as shy, as her hand reached his cheek to keep him closer. In their minds the kiss lasted for hours, yet it was barely a minute before they ran out of oxygen. Parting in need of a breath, Neil leaned his forehead on hers, letting out a shaky breath. Silence between them lasted for a couple minutes.

”Neil…” She started out.

”I know.” He cut her off, earning a chuckle. 

”Neil…” She started again ”If you don't confess that you love me, right now… I'm afraid I'm going to throw up. I feel your tuna in my mouth.” She whispered, making him burst into laughter. 

Shaking his head he grabbed her face in his hands, his eyes shiny and hair a mess, hanging over his forehead. 

”I love you, Y/n.” He said, still smiling so widely, and she giggled out loudly. 

”I love you too, Dinky…. I'm freezing by the way, could we go back inside? Not in the dining room but maybe in your room. I was always curious to see your childhood bedroom” she revealed, a bit too eager to know more about Neil's past.

With that the young woman stood up, offering her now hopefully boyfriend her hand. It took Neil a couple of seconds to take her hand finally, since the priorities came first, aka his tuna sandwich, leading her himself back towards the house and upstairs to his bedroom. 

Nothing had changed much during the years, his little brother George received more useless stuff while her older sister Margaret wasn't living there anymore so her useless stuff was all in her own house.

As soon as they walked in the bedroom, Neil made sure to lock the door, past trauma of people walking in his room without asking just to annoy or piss him off came quickly back. Y/n didn't seem to mind though, her eyes kept wandering around as her hands worked on the buttons of her coat “I have a gift for you by the way” she informed Neil with a smile, her beautiful eyes now stopping back on him “but…I won't give it to you till you go wash your teeth. I don't want to risk getting another tuna kiss” she murmured, shivering at the idea, making Neil laugh and nod as he headed to his own small personal bathroom to do as she said.

Coming out again, his eyes locked with hers— she was now sitting on his bed, leg crossed with a small rectangular present next to her body. A small smile on her face. “Come on, open your gift, Dink” She encouraged him, watching how he walked closer with a childlikeness hidden in his eyes.

Neil carefully took the wrapped object, working on the paper to open it carefully, stealing glances at Y/n who was watching him with his same mood.

“You like it?” The young woman asked softly, studying her best friend's reaction “it's an old noir movie… I heard your discussion about it with Jonathan in the Gumshoe and I managed to find it.” She added anxiously, seeing no clear reaction from him. Her lips parted for the third time, ready to ask for clarification again but she didn't need to, since Neil's lips pressed against hers— his arms wrapping around her smaller frame as his big hand cupped the back of her head to keep her in place. It really looked like one of those kisses characters shared in old movies… so rich of passion and love.

The position was quite uncomfortable though, so they changed it after a couple of seconds, his arms now holding her hips firmly against his body and her arms hugging his neck to keep him closer to her. No tuna this time.

Taglist:

@gabile18 , @mrsfullbuster500 , @rex-ray , @elizamalfoyy, @eovjjj @wife-of-magic-monkeys , @jeremiah-va1eska , @gothamchic16, @rabbiteggz , @dieg0brandos-wife , @rottenecstasy , @lazyexcuse , @teh-vampire-bunny , @lobotomy-lover , @slasher-smasher , @sleepycreativewriter , @mrkdvidal1989

#neil lewis oneshot #neil lewis x you #neil lewis x y/n #neil lewis cillian murphy #neil lewis x reader #neil lewis #cillian murphy fanfic #cillian murphy fic #cillian fic #cillian x reader #cillian x fem!reader #cillian x y/n #cillian murphy #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x reader #watching the detectives

[dreamii-krybaby]

Wait- what if the Doormans and Doll’s family are supposed to mirror eachother?

No no because hear me out-

Nori with Yeva

Khan with Yeva’s husband

Uzi with Doll

Nori Doorman:

-Had a pretty good grasp on using the AS.

-was sociable, easy going, charismatic, “quirky”, perhaps careless before the visions

-Constantly looks pretty relaxed in serious circumstances (post core collapse and interview)

-didn’t know truly know about the dangers of the AS until the visions came

-If we assume the AS worked on her similarly to how it works on Uzi, she had less control over her body.

Yeva:

-Her AS was probably wasn’t very compatible with her body, causing her eye to get blown off

-Probably wasn’t as sociable or as talkative as nori

-Constantly looks worried

-Probably knew way earlier about the true nature of the AS

-Again as I mentioned earlier, if Doll’s and Yeva’s AS works similarly, maybe she had more control over her body and the AS spreaded much more slowly (but maybe caused her more pain)

Khan Doorman:

-Didn’t listen to Nori and her warnings until it was too late.

-Left Uzi for dead when N attacked (tho tbh I can somewhat understand him, but I don’t justify it or it’s not like I don’t consider Uzi’s feelings)

-Probably didn’t know much regarding the AS until later.

Doll’s Father/Yeva’s Husband:

-Probably knew more about the AS than Khan did.

-Because of that, he was maybe more willing to listen to Yeva and understand her more. I mean, he went outside with her. Or was worried enough to follow her.

-Was willing to put himself in danger for Doll, with Yeva alongside.

-Perhaps was much more closer with Doll than Khan was with Uzi

As for Doll and Uzi, Doll is kinda of Uzi’s “dark mirror” as in what would have happened to Uzi if she stuck to her “Kill the Murder Drones with my SAH railgun” plan from the pilot and if Khan didn’t try to become better and get closer to Uzi.

Uzi Doorman:

-She was the outcast.

-Also they both express differently, Uzi is much more expressive in comparison to Doll.

-She is much more vocal in regards to her anger unlike Doll.

-Has little control over her body

-Clearly shows remorse after killing and eating her classmates

-She went from an outcast to slowly gaining friends and having a better relationship with her dad

Doll:

-Was the popular girl

-She isn’t as expressive, and doesn’t talk much (like her mom probably)

-Am not saying she doesn’t show off anger but she is much more less vocal about it in comparison to Uzi.

-Has much better control over her body

-Seems to show no remorse over the death of her classmates

-She literally lost everything, she has not only fucked up others lives but also her own life as well. (Which makes it all the more tragic) I mean, she lost her friend Lizzy, her parents are dead, her popularity is non-existent now, and has no home to return to.

#murder drones #murder drones theory #nori doorman murder drones #murder drones nori doorman #nori doorman #nori murder drones #murder drones nori #murder drones yeva #yeva murder drones #khan doorman murder drones #murder drones khan doorman #khan doorman #khan murder drones #murder drones khan #murder drones doll’s father #murder drones doll’s dad #uzi doorman murder drones #murder drones uzi doorman #murder drones uzi #uzi murder drones #doll murder drones #murder drones doll

[dearshelby]

Persona non grata | T.S

Summary: After many years alone, Tommy believed he had found the love of his life. Unfortunately, during a business trip to America, a ghost from his wife's past proves him otherwise.

A/N: A Tommy x widow fic was on my head for so long but I was never able to write it until now. There are some parts the reader mentions they're american, it might be true or not 👀 You can believe whatever suits you best. Also, I'd like to thank my darling @zablife for suggesting this plot I had so much fun writing!

Tommy tried to swallow the bitter feeling on his throat and pathetically failed. Waiting for Mary Smith in his hotel room in New York, he had to keep himself from crying. He wanted to be angry but wasn't able to, he never was, was this why he was always alone? Because he let women fool him, because he always underestimated them?

The first one was an undercover agent, so beautiful and soft-spoken, everything a man fresh out of the battlefield would ever want. Grace Burgess stuck a knife so deep into his heart she almost made him forget about the great war.

Polly told him she truly had fallen in love with him, so when she asked him to run away to New York with her, he accepted it, he was so blind and lonely that he wanted nothing more than to drown in the mystery Grace was.

However, once they settled in America, the unknown parts of her personality were dragged to light. It wasn't just uniform, they were substantially different, as much as it broke his heart to admit it, the uniform people wear tell a lot about who they truly are.

Despite the initial infatuation being gone, Tommy kept trying to make things work, he got a job and lived like a civilian for a while. As the months went by, going home to Grace's arms became tiring, he didn't want her, he wanted the rich girl who had a child alone and had to work as a barmaid to survive, but that woman didn't exist.

Leaving Grace and going back to Small Heath was one of the most humiliating things Tommy ever went through, his family (mainly Polly) constantly mocked him and the neighbors whispered behind his back.

Eventually, he moved on, deciding to focus on business. He was lonely again but it was alright for him, at least that way he wasn't hurt, soon the idea of marriage and children left his head, these sort of things would never be proffered to men like him anyway.

Years went by and stubborn as he was, Tommy kept trying, he wouldn't admit he hated to be alone all the time. He had May Carleton, Tatiana Petrovna, Jessie Eden and Lizzie Stark. He wished May, Lizzie or even Jessie had made his heart beat stronger, but they never did.

After eight years hopping from place to place, Tommy accepted he was unlovable. He couldn't stop working and women couldn't deal with it, he didn't blame them for it. After all, he had lost so many, he had no parents, no wife or long term partner, no children and somehow he managed to lose John and Polly too.

In the year of 1930, Tommy spent New Year's alone as an old, lonely, chainsmoker and alcoholic man at the corner of the Garrison. Whiskey ran in his veins and smoke stained his lungs, killing him faster than he imagined, not that he cared for that, as far as he was concerned he was dead already.

The pub was empty and dark, not many people spent New Year's alone. So when a tiny voice approached him, he was surprised.

"Can I sit here?"

Tommy looked up to a woman in a black dress, modest make-up and a ring hanging from her necklace. He quickly assumed she was a widow.

"You're not scared of me?" he asked.

"Should I be?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Well, I just moved from United States so no," she shrugged off, "I just want someone to watch the fireworks with,"

Heavily sighing, Tommy kicked off a chair for her to sit down. He had no idea that from now on he wouldn't be lonely anymore.

At first, he was bothered by her presence, every glance and word was hesitant, they watched the fireworks and made small talk.

He thought she was looking for sexual relief after losing her husband, but she wasn't, they spent the night drinking together and she didn't flirt with him for one second at least. That made him intrigued, people usually don't get close to him without hidden intentions.

He knew he shouldn't and like every other relationship, it would probably fail, but he couldn't resist seeing her again, he needed to know why she came at him.

Shamelessly, Tommy asked her on a date which she hesitantly accepted, at the end of it she kissed his cheek and went inside, not giving any chance or implying she wanted to romance him. It was news to him, a woman trying to befriend him, he didn't even think of himself capable of this matter.

As months went by, her and Tommy became close, mainly because of her insistence on visiting his house with homemade biscuits, going to the cinema or walking to the stables.

When he told her he was an MP, she wasn't impressed, just like when he told her he was a businessman and a soldier. She didn't seem to care for the only things people got close to him for.

In the slow process of one year and eight months, Tommy fell for her. He married her and had a child with her, insisting on naming their daughter Lucy because it meant light, after so long in the dark, he finally found light.

Right now, waiting in his hotel room, he wasn't doing this only for himself, but for Lucy too.

Three knocks on the door were followed by a young woman entering the room, "Mr. Shelby? You've received my letter?"

"Mary Smith? Please sit down," Tommy ordered.

"Mr. Shelby, I-"

"You've made a serious accusation against my wife,"

"It's not an accusation, Henry Smith was my brother! She killed him!"

"Can you prove that, Mrs. Smith?" Tommy gulped.

"No, I don't know how the bitch made it, but my brother was a healthy man, he wouldn't have a heart attack out of the sudden,"

Tommy gritted his teeth hearing his wife being called a bitch. At the same time, insecurity weighed on his chest.

"If this stupid accusation is true, why would you tell me?" he asked.

"I know you had a child together, I don't know what this woman is capable of,"

"I see, you can go now," Tommy nodded, "but Mary, if I do a research and find out you're lying you'll find the same destiny as your brother,"

After Mary left, Tommy held his head in his hands, tearing up and fighting the knot in his throat. His dear Y/N, a murderer, his beloved wife, a murderer, the mother of his child, a murderer.

Surely, he was a murderer too, but it wasn't the same, hypocrisy or not, Tommy feared for Lucy's safety, he wouldn't let Y/N near her. To make matters worse, the phone rang loudly, he picked up and heard his wife's voice,

"Tommy? Baby?" she greeted, "Baby, can you hear me?"

"Yes, I can hear you,"

"Your voice is raspy, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine, love," he hid the angst, "I miss you,"

"I miss you too, when you're coming home?"

"I have some things to finish first,"

"I see, call me before you catch the flight, so I'll know you're safe,"

"I will,"

"Uhm, are you busy?"

"Yeah,"

"You're acting strange, baby, did something happen?" she worried, usually Tommy asked many questions and kept her tuned with the deals he made.

"No, nothing happened, I just-" he sighed, "Y/N, I have to hang up now,"

"Okay," she muttered, "I love you,"

"I know," Tommy said before putting the phone down.

Mixed feelings clouded his mind, he wished he never got Mary's letter, he wished his wife was the woman she presented herself as and he wished to still be unaware of her past.

Standing up to pour himself a whiskey glass, Tommy felt no regrets in no longer being sober, he didn't care much for the matter now that he had research to do.

—

As the driver parked the car in front of the Arrow House, Tommy had no desire to get off of it, facing reality would hurt and so would carry on with his plan. His heart was broken, but he wouldn't risk Lucy's safety.

Entering the house, he heard high heels coming at him, Y/N carried Lucy and greeted him with a big smile. She wrapped one arm around him, watching out to not disturb their asleep daughter.

"I missed you so much," she whispered in his ear, "you didn't call,"

"I forgot," he took the baby from her arms, "but I'm here now,"

"Tsk, I suppose," she scoffed, "but you made me worried, baby,"

"Why don't you tell Frances to serve some tea and light up the fireplace, eh?" he dismissed.

Without answering, she left the room, for the first time since they met, Tommy noticed how cold her eyes were.

Heavily sighing, he rubbed his tired ones, there was ten of fifteen minutes before she was out of his life forever. Kissing Lucy's forehead, he gave her to the babysitter before heading to his office.

Y/N was looking through the window when he entered the place, two hot cups of tea were placed on his desk and some of the decorations were out of place, meaning someone had gone through his belongings.

She turned to him with a tiny smile, pulling the chair for him to sit down before taking the other seat in front of him.

Being face-to-face with her, Tommy glanced at her neck. She once wore a ring hanging on a thin gold chain, but as a sign of respect to both him and her deceased husband, she removed the small diamond stone from the ring to turn it into a discreet necklace.

"How was America?" she suddenly asked, blowing on her cup of tea.

"Nice, made me wonder why you moved out of it,"

She arched her eyebrows in surprise, usually he called the United States, especially New York, a loud nation with savage people, only truly enjoying the natural views of isolated places.

"What changed your mind about my homeland?"

"I realized," he shrugged off, "perhaps I was the old fashioned one, there's too many positive points for you to just turn your back on," he pointed out.

"You know after my husband's death I couldn't stand staying at home,"

"There's fucking fifty states, love, why move so far?"

"Aren't you glad I did?" she put her cup down a bit too harshly, "We wouldn't have met if I didn't,"

"Oh, I am," he nodded, "just find it weird,"

"Why?"

"You never really mentioned your husband, nothing more than the surname he gave ya,"

"...you're my husband," she hissed.

"The other one, the one you killed,"

"What?! Baby, what are you talking about?!" her eyes widened.

"I know, Y/N," he mumbled.

"Whatever they told you is not true," she teared up.

"No one told me anything, I have proof,"

"What proof? I could never do that, you know me, I'm your wife!" she gripped on the edge of his desk.

"Mary Smith wrote me a letter and I've done my research," he spoke, "you killed him for money I assume, then you moved to England and found me,"

Listening to his explanation, her desperate features turned into a blank face. She clenched her jaw and argued, "It's different with you, baby,"

Tommy scoffed in disbelief and she continued, "It's true, I killed my husband but I love you,"

His only reaction was a gulp, he knew outing her wouldn't be easy. However, it was hard to forget the life they built together and not to fall for her lies.

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because it's true," she emotionlessly replied, "we're married, we have a child, all because I came at you,"

"And I always wondered why would you, now I know," he drawled, "dark knows dark,"

"So let it be dark," she reached for his hand across the desk, "I love you, Thomas,"

Checking his pocket watch, Tommy sighed, "I love you too,"

Suddenly, the police blasted through the office's doors. Y/N stood up, but quickly gave up resisting, a cop grabbed and handcuffed her. During the operation, her eyes never left his.

Tommy followed after as she was taken away, not a single tear ran down her face while he had to blink his away. Before they crossed the front door, she turned to him and finished,

"Tommy?"

"Hm?"

"When I get out of jail," she hesitated, "I'll take my child away from England and I'll be a widow twice,"

MASTERLIST

#tommy shelby x reader #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinder imagine #peaky blinders imagine

[coffinbrotherr]

Istg I keep seeing videos in my recommend that have either Andrew or Ashley sprites in the thumbnail and it's always in the lines of "shock storytelling is BAD" or "this needs to STOP" (I'm not providing examples as to not install a witchhunt but if youve seen them, you know EXACTLY who im talking about.) and I dont...I don't get why? Like, ok genuinely I'm having an actual hard time understanding why because being disturbed and being made uncomfortable is quite literally the definition of horror, so why is it a problem now.

To I guess throw my hat into the ring, I'd like to explain why i personally think incest integral to Tcoaal not only because I'm just fucking tired of seeing people not like the game just because of that aspect and I'm not knocking those people because of it because people can not like things for specific reasons, for example I am not one for horror involving teeth or the mouth so I tend to ignore horror media that prominently use those as setpieces. I'm mainly talking about people that bash it without actually playing it and people that see it at surface level and just make a Baseless assumption because to me and obviously a lot of other people as it still has great reviews, Tcoaal is wonderfully written and that IS thanks to its incest themes.

We see that throughout the game, Ashley obviously loves her brother, not only in the romantic sense but also in the power dynamic. While some aspects have yet to be revealed about thier relationship as we still only have two chapters, Ashley obviously manipulates Andrew and has since they were little as evident by the hide and seek flashback. It's incredibly obvious that Ashley likes control over people and since she doesn't really have anyone else that's closer to her, she uses Andrew exclusively as he's always been there with her figuratively and literally. While this behavior definitely comes from a sense of loneliness and fear of losing the one person that tolerates her as not even thier own parents wanted to stay around them let alone her, I think it also comes down to enjoying the control. Genuinely think about the story of the game for a sec, could you imagine being in that exact situation we see the siblings in. The closest thing we can even relate it to is covid, and we could at least still leave the house to an extent and have things sent to us that we wanted. Imagine going through all that not being able to leave, literally having the bare minimum of food being dropped off to you and being FORCED to stay inside not with a slap on the wrist but with active threats of death even though you know other people get to freely live outside peacefully. Not only is that terrifying but it gives a lot more insight to Ashley's character as she's literally stuck in a place she cannot control in an unfounded situation that is positively awful, but she does have one thing she can control, she has one person she can make exclusively hers and make him do whatever she wants through manipulation and the connection with love. The same goes for Andrew as we know Andrew was at least a bit more popular with people to the point where he even had a girlfriend (Julia) and to have literally all that stripped away from him is tragic, however for him there's one more person he can interact with, one person that cares about him and truly does love him in a way only they can share. It's a beautifully horrific way of telling a story because on the outside, it just looks like "oh hah hah, that's the incest cannibalism game" but if you actually played it you would see not only is the writing genuinely funny but also incredibly smart with its subtle meaning and player interpretation. It's NOT glorifying incest, it is actively showing an incredibly toxic relationship that was made through the circumstances and actions taken with both characters and to say it's just "shock storytelling" or "it's just trying to glorify incest" is just wrong, it's using the incest to further the narrative and that's why I personally find this game to be my favorite work of horror.

But that was just my interpretation, I'd love to hear your guy's views on it because I'd love to further the discussion and potentially add to my analysis as this was just something I wrote at 12:30 AM in bed. I could go on and on about my personal analysis but a lot of it would just be me being genuinely pretty annoyed with the games detractors and overall just make for a poor reading experience.

#the coffin of andy and leyley #tcoaal #andrew graves #ashley graves

[gowithinbitch]

girlie I am in need of help and I hope I dont sound desperate because I kind of am. I'll just put it out there with extreme honesty. Please,please listen because I'm kind of getting what you and everyone else here on tumblr point to but my mind is all scrambled.

I came from the reality shifting and law of assumption/manifestation community. Nondualism made more sense to me so I've been reading and reading posts everywhere on Tumblr and Reddit but at some point everything started to stop making sense.

To put it simply,I am in my last year of high school. And I have this big exam in July that I have to prepare for...but I want a different life. Away from all this chaos happening here. I want to live in a different reality (other country,no exam,more money,significant other) because I know I can't keep living like this. I've been this way for around 4 months now,without studying because 'maybe tomorrow I'll get what I want,so why even study'. Now I know I am just THAT and that everything is me and that this life that I am talking about is illusiory,as is the one I am wanting to live instead,but I genuinely dont know what to do. I am exhausted and sad and miserable and maybe yeah,I am aware of being the girl who is exhausted and miserable but how do I stop it?

I mean,I just got my results to a mock exam just now and I got 26/100. I'm spiraling. I'm feeling insane for doing this and I dont even know how to tell my parents. I have no idea what to do because I want to live that life so badly and I know I can but what do I do now?Do I postpone it?Do I start studying?Is anything even real? I know that everything is an illusion,from this 'waking' life,to my dreams,to what I 'imagine',but I feel as if everything is flying by me. Tomorrow I have a driving exam and I feel myself going crazy,it's pathetic truly. At this point I feel the need to give up,but then I think 'what if it does work out?' and it's like a cycle. Clash,study,get a bit of hope,and then it repeats. I don't want to make it seem like I am venting,I truly hope it doesn't seem like that,but I am really in need of help. If you read up until here,thank you. Thank you🙏

Eeek that's a long text !!!

Oh my god, baby, darling, honey, you're litteraly me. I know by heart what you are going through.

I have been here okay so heres what i did:

- at some point i was really overconsumming and spiralling like crazy i think i was actually getting physicaly sick

- put it got calmer and calmer, as i did what : WENT WITHIN

- i'm sure you know everything you really need to know so now, when you feel lost or anxious, have a talk with yourself. Answer your questions

- now i can also do that (i am you so that works too): now i see the shifting influence here. "The 'i don't need to that because i'll wake up in my desired life whatever' i know it even better than my own name. Stop that. Study okay. Study. I know it's hard. I know you're tired. But study. Look for tips online to study better. Maybe find a teacher to help. Talk about that with your parents. But as long as you're spiraling like and it affects you that much, keep studying

- so you can be in a better state to understand that you're desired life, you're already living it. You already ARE it. I don't want it to sound as affirming or persisting because 🤮 but really remind yourself of that. Because it is the truth. Have you seen my tree post ? You think you're stuck as branch n°1 and want to be branch n°2 but you're the whole tree. You just have to choose (REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU SEE BECAUSE SENSES ARE IRRELEVANT) which branch is the one you're of

Now good luck my baby, you're already there ! You've already done everything you needed to do which is reminding yourself of your true nature 🩶🩶🩶

#ask

[rayshippouuchiha]

Are we sharing negative brain cell stories? Excellent!

I have been banned from chopping wood and holding an axe.

Let me explain. 

I used to chop wood with an axe all the time for my parents wood stove. I was still competitively swimming at the time so I could plow through a good bit of wood before having to stop. This was great! Until I tried to put any short of blouse on and them my Hulk shoulders would murder it. So many shirts sacrificed before we just made a deal with my school to let me bend the uniform and not have to wear the blouse. But that is not the story we are here for. 

Back to my wood chopping crimes. 

I was trying to make kindling and a piece was wobbly as they tend to get once you split them down small. I of course needed to steady the log so I leaned the axe on my shoulder. This was the first of my mistakes but not the last. I then proceeded to bend over and attempt to steady the log with my hand. Which for those of us with more brain cells than a middle schooler possess will understand why this was a poor idea. The axe obeyed gravity. 

I take a moment to understand what have happened before I scream like the little girl I am and run towards the house. Feminine lung capacity is truly amazing. My dad heard me clear across the property. We live in farm country.

I get to the house and of course I’m a gremlin so my first words were “The family curse is going strong.”

(For some reason sharp things love my family. My brother staple gunned himself in the hand. My adventure with an axe. My mom and rusty nails on boards. My brother again with the power sander. Etc.)

We take a look at my hand and all five fingers are attached. However still I can’t tell whether that was ligament or bone. I had managed to chop myself shallowly on the inner edge of my hand leading up to my thumb. Basically where the thumb joins with your hand. I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and it’s hurts but it’s clotting and I can still move everything. So my family does as we do best and just kind of shrug. We butterfly bandage the cut, wrap it up, and go for a cold walk on the beach. Hey it’s not my fault we’re farmers and mechanics on both sides. You try to get a farmer or a mechanic to get medical attention. Have fun with your new impossible task!

Oh and by the way? 

It’s Christmas Eve. 

Opening Christmas presents was complicated. I still have a scar to this very day. I went the doctor for strep like 3 months later and he very solemnly told me, after he was done expelling his soul through a sigh, that if I had cut a tiny bit deeper I would have severed a nerve and lost the use of my thumb, pointer, and possibly my middle finger. This man had been our family doctor for years and I’m pretty sure our shenanigans and refusal to go to the hospital single-handedly drove the man to retirement. 

I am now banned from axes which I’m sad about because my shoulders aren’t as defined anymore. 

#submission #NICE

[inspectordookie]

i saw someone use this picrew (https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1564386) to try recreating their tavs, and i wanted to give it a try (possibly also because im too lazy to draw them) in spirit of bg3 being released :D mind you these won't all be 100% accurate to in-game appearance but close enough alongside my personal envisions

i've only played as one of them in early access,, i may or may not have taken the time to plan the rest of my tavs for future gameplays LMAO yes i am that kind of person when it comes to rpgs🫡 the common thread between all of them is feeling out of place, and how each of them deal with it in their own ways

ismene farahani-diamandis (she/her) my chaotic good human sorcerer in wild magic (i'm thinking about multiclassing paladin for her but idkk), my first tav and honestly kind of my favorite :') even created a backstory for her parents too. a catastrophe in more ways than one, but truly one of the most caring and fun-loving people, like a disney princess but just a bit more disastrous. a bit of a dreamer who longs to be loved and have adventure like the heroes in stories told by her father, but has often felt she cannot have both or either whether it was due to the utter though consistent bad luck when she tried or feelings of unworthiness because of others even when they did her wrong (aka a list of exes). she has lost most of her family outside her younger, paladin brother and distant noble family in mulmaster, who she has no interest in reaching after her mother's departure as a young adult with her father (it's a very long story involving a rogue noble and a wizard from a family of barbarians). first it was her father from an incident causing his memory then life to be slowly eaten away, her younger sister the one time she was far from home to a village raid, then her own mother the minute she garnered a name for herself as a hero amongst the people. she has since felt a lost sense of purpose, having no family or loved ones to put first having been the eldest sibling for so long, and strong guilt in wanting to pursue more with the unpredictable yet wondrous abilities she was born with, as she has felt she has failed to use them to save precious lives time and time again

even so, ismene is someone who chooses and wants to do good or the best possible thing no matter what challenge stands ahead and hopes that despite everything, she can find a way to be her happy, flirty self once again. trying to make the most of the brain worm situation and genuinely aspires to befriend all in her party, even though most of them prove difficult. lucky for her, if shes anything, shes stubborn enough to keep trying anyways in her newfound but chaotic family--it's almost refreshing to be in a band of fellow disasters. really stuck on either astarion or halsin for her romance because i think story-wise, her and astarion in my brain just are really interesting dynamically and have been in EA, but halsin would probablyyy be her most ideal partner (cause she honestly deserves at least one stable part in her life LMAO) but HEY---MAYBE THEY CAN POLY *if* larian allows it, her mbti/enneagram is ENFP 7w6

amée tanor'thal (she/her) will be my second playthrough, a neutral good seladrine drow cleric of selûne in the life domain. her backstory is probably my favorite amongst everyone, she's actually the mother of my first and only d&d character that i got to play about a year ago now :D i already had her story in mind alongside her daughter (obviously), and thought bg3 would be a good opportunity to play as her. she's always been more reserved and cautious in nature, someone who always tries to consider things beyond how they're presented in front of her. the inquisitiveness is what led her to learn more beyond her corrupt family, religion, and the normalized suffering within her home at the tanor'thal manor in skullport, she went through a lot to escape from it. initially, it was her and a group of hidden eilistraee followers in the city who she planned an escape route with, amée had met them through a boy around her age that she befriended on one of her secret escapades. they opened her to the possibility of a world filled with joy---with light, a life that the underdark, her own family would consume and make impossible for anyone to have. unfortunately, the heavy security made the journey abruptly take a turn for the worse. amée wound up separated from everyone as they continued the planned path, whilst she wound up chased by her own family on a completely different one; she barely escaped with her life. she followed a path of stars, scared and unsure, and it wound up leading her to a church of selûne in waterdeep where she was kindly taken in for sanctuary.

upon learning more and speaking with the clerics and daily visitors, choosing to serve her and the philosophy of having choice and helping to guide those who are lost, amée is a rare and often misunderstood person in the church. it is something she is aware of but is far more concerned in carving a path of peace for all those who need it---especially misunderstood folk of the underdark. despite her gloomy appearance, she is easily one of the most compassionate souls, one who has sworn to devote her life to healing instead of hurting, though she may or may not have had to kill off most of the family sent to the surface to take her life, including her own mother. needless to say, she'll spill a bit of blood here and then and maybe roll with all the evil goons who give her easy access because they think she's evil too. she's a bit funny and often direct, albeit unintentionally. anywho, she'll be romancing gale, who will not only engage her in intelligent conversation but in a child-like wonder through magic after devoting much of her life to her personal cause. i also feel like his romance route has the potential to be veryy angsty cause of his magic chest bomb so. sorry amée. her mbti/enneagram is an INFJ 1w2 :)

fynn tranquilfoot (they/them) will be my third playthrough, a true neutral rock gnome monk specializing in the way of the shadow. from a relatively normal family in comparison to a lot of my own characters tbh LOL, they stem from a gunsmith family business that has flowed for generations in a city full of fellow gnome entrepreneurs and inventors. fynn never flowed well with it and was rather easily overwhelmed by it at an early age. as a kid they expressed no genuine interest in anything really, and instead preferred doing nothing, so long as they were allowed to be alone. it was something that did not sit well with their family. fynn was to carry the mantle of their success, history, and more children to keep things going, which did not, in fact, sit well with them no matter how many of their peers in the same family dynamic gushed about their shared lifestyles and destinies. it was yet another thing they could not relate to, among other things being thrust upon them as labels they never asked for; fynn quickly became the talk of their town. they never cared to argue against them or their parent's complaints; "better to play dead to stay alive", then nothing could truly nag at them. however, if there was something that gnawed at them at all, it was a distinct lack of purpose. they had spent so long doing nothing to the point it almost felt depressing to not be really good at anything; it was one boat ride away that allowed fynn to venture around the mainland and see entirely different things.

one day they saw a monk stealing a noble of all they had in only five seconds, asked how they could do what they did and the rest is history. they went to the same temple, learned the same techniques, and found they were quite good at all of it. fynn knew that sometimes the assassination gigs weren't the most morally correct, or that even when it was they wouldn't get any credit for the deed, and they were content with that. fynn is not someone who has any desire to be remembered and is passionate about the life they've led for themselves and protecting that peace it gave them. they're a rather smart and self-aware individual, and quite understanding as they're not very judgemental. isn't opposed to knowing their party, but has no plans of sticking around at the end either, while the parasites possible power to heighten their prowess at work is intriguing, they're aware that trusting its stability in the long run is likely dumb (but somehow they aren't exactly opposed). plan to romance them with wyll : ) i think his desire to have purpose vs. their lack of desire for one will somehow end up complimenting and opening each other up. their mbti/enneagram is ISTP 9w8

meet magdalena (or mags for short) of berdusk (any pronouns are fine), a chaotic neutral half-orc school of valour bard, and the physical embodiment of the term "here for a good time, not a long time". her story is relatively simple and feel-good in comparison to my other tavs, and i already know i'll end up having the most fun playing him aside from ismene LOL her human dad and orc mom are easily the best parents anyone could ask for, endlessly supportive and loving to whatever their child would choose to do or be as they navigated what he liked and didn't, even though their collective eccentric personalities made them stick out like sore thumbs even in a populated city like berdusk. nonetheless, neither of her parents really cared what people thought so inevitably, he didn't either and in turn became an unapologetically confident and outspoken person. mags learned music from her initially nomadic parents, who traveled all over faerûn sharing their own music, dances and stories, and it became yet another thing they inherited and completely loved. the more he wrote, composed, and sang while playing her father's harp, the stronger mags' music undeniably became, practically wooing anybody that came near it---even those who picked on every surface-level thing about him became unable to deny the magnetism (get it) magdalena of berdusk possessed. they enlisted into a bard academy, attending for years until magdalena found the curriculum to be severely boring, leaving only a year before they would have graduated.

her parents, of course, cheered them on.

so from then on, magdalena felt the rest of faerûn was ready to hear his songs, constantly writing while on the roads, fighting weird shit, performing at nearly every tavern she could find (and shagging only the finest of folk on the way). no matter what though, mags always makes sure to find the time and place to write to her parents no matter where he is and even with a creepy crawly worm in his brain. the situation doesn't necessarily phase them aside from the fact the idea of a worm in her brain skeeves her out a bit, like what if it lays eggs or something? she doesn't exactly understand the full circumstance. other than that, mags is content with chilling with these newfound travel partners of his and seeing where the course takes them, and even if he is to die inevitably she hopes that by the end of it, he'll have a sick ass album to compile before they can. she truly enjoys to savor and experience, so naturally i'm pairing them with shadowheart of all people LOL they'll probably soften each other up. also probably only gives into the tadpole for a while in exchange for the wicked sex dreams until their gf is like "alright you goob can you maybe stop before it kills you faster". mags is an ESFP 8w7 !!

last but not least is zaludra strombjörn (she/her), a lawful neutral wood elf enchantment wizard. omfg shes honestly such a sourpuss LMAO she'll end up likely being my most "evil" route (and by that i mean i have a hard time making mean choices in game lol), but she'll also end up having the most significant development. from a young age, zaludra never had the easiest time connecting with others, and wasn't really allowed to due to her condition. albinism wound up giving her severely overprotective parents who didn't even let her skin go near where sunlight pierced the ground. thus her whole childhood essentially was this reinforced idea that she was deadweight, something that didn't do wonders for her self-esteem as she was unable to directly contribute to anything in her village. in the silence, zaludra only grew a resentment for her home and the situation she was in, only finding more things to dislike about the wooden elf's way of life.

the only time she felt any sort of gratification was in occasional conversations with the only person who would talk to her outside of her parents, her village's sole druid. their magic captivated zaludra, the ability to be anything else, to be something great was---and begged to learn their ways. unfortunately, a severe lack of connection to her people or home made it impossible, and zaludra was back where she started. so, she resorted to other means of obtaining the art of magic; zaludra would venture the nights in the nearest town over in magic shops draped in whatever cloth could cover her skin, checking out basic spell casting books from the local libraries. the more she practiced magic in secret, the more determined she became to be the best in it. overtime it became clear zaludra was a natural genius in the arcanic arts, even learning to craft potions as well, concoctions of her own to make her condition easier to live with rather than hiding in shame because of it. she left her home publicly declaring it beneath her and the potential it had hidden her from and set off to further her education in the city of silverymoon where she only continued to succeed.

she would prove everyone wrong she thought, all of them, including the people who should have supported her the most---her own parents. but highkey though shes super lonely but basically represses that with her undying ambition, but then city and school life makes her highkey more annoyed by other people (likely because she had no clue how to connect with them but dont tell her that). probably will want to learn how to control the tadpole at first for her own power until she starts to unexpectedly not hate her companions, especially karlach because a fine ass tiefling solves everyones emotional problems <3 also i hc that her and astarion get confused as siblings/twins all the time cause of how similar they look she probably hates it. also shes an ISTJ 3w4

anyways thats all IM STILL WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR THE RELEASE AS WE SPEAK

#bg3 #baldurs gate (and the friends we made along the way) #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 tav #well tav(s) #astarion x tav #wyll x tav #gale x tav #shadowheart x tav #srry laezel maybe my dark urge will romance you

[timextoxhajima]

what's the right word?

my first kpop group was snsd when they first released gee back in 2009/2010 and i was 9/10.

i've been stuck in this hole of 'kpop' since. i turn 24 in april. thats more than half my life.

growing up in a conservative asian family and the elder daughter of two teachers, it's not easy to explain the grievances and troubles i feel like i've experienced. some might not even consider it a terrible thing. yes, i've had a good standard of education and had parents who took care of me but sometimes the challenge was truly connecting with people and finding an emotional support.

nobody else can replicate and/or understand the true depth of the love, admiration, inspiration and reliance a fan has on her favourite idols/groups. throughout the years, i've gone through the eras. going from the snsd/shinee/suju era, and then into the bts/exo/vixx/bap era, and then blackpink/red velvet/wanna one/nct and then i feel like my life had a significant trajectory in the 2019-2020 period because i started dancing.

after having spent a decade being so invested in the idol culture of perfecting every single performance, pushing past boundaries and the idea of 'not being enough' being the exact source of motivation, perhaps picking up cover-dancing wasn't the best idea. especially when i come in a package with a bunch of baggage, anxiety, stress, and other perfectionist ideals.

throughout the years before 2019/2020, my reliance on my kpop idols was emotional. i wrote letters to them like they were my best friends, wished them the best of health and that they were always enough, while wishing i was as good as they were (ironic?). to my past loves: sooyoung, donghae, minho, jonghyun, jungkook, baekhyun, kang daniel, irene, jaehyun and the other members who have helped me through alot - i owe my life to them. quite literally.

tbz and enhypen have a special place in my heart. because not only did they become the usual emotional support pillars i had all the while, they became my mentors. an actual source to learn and be better. enhypen even more, because i've covered at least 5-6 of their items.

this growth in myself and the growth i see in them was so quiet but so sudden last night as i filmed their performances. 'oh my god, i danced to this song back in 2022 and now i get to see it live?'

as a fan, i feel more emotional because not only am i a fan who enjoys their music, i feel like i had connected to them on the 'stage performer' level and though i'm still lacking in many, many ways, i owe my progress and improvement to enhypen. they push me both mentally and physically during practises and their want to surpass themselves always reminds me that love knows no boundaries. the love for the stage and the love to be the best version of yourself.

i'm quite sure there's some psychological term for it, when you rely on someone who doesn't know you exist, and that you gain energy just from this person's existence.

the story is much, much longer but i could write a whole fic about it if i wanted to.

to my strength, my (probably last) love, heeseung.

i could write a billion words about you, and it would still not be enough to share how much of my life, my success, my motivation, my strength i owe to you. the love between a fan and an idol can only go so far, but i promise it will be forever.

i have a knack for choosing the members who seem to be the 'ace' of the group, but you are so unapologetically open about being a perfectionist. that's just my opinion. you know you want to be at your best, and you strive so hard to get there, sometimes i almost feel sad that you think you're not yet perfect. but then again, that's the very thing that makes me look up to you.

saw you for the first time and probably the last time last night. thank you for reigniting this want to surpass myself in every way possible. thank you for reminding me that lacking is the only way up.

[wof-reworked]

Thoughts on Thorn?

First off: sorry for the delay, this was sent to me during my drunk "send me opinions" moment but I only saw it when I woke up and was. very hungover and embarrassed lol. Will try to live up to the original idea tho (plus I am like 3 shots in so you did get your wish in the end !!)

ANYWAY. I really like Thorn. I wish we saw more of her being the leader of the Scorpion Den and what her actual life looks like bc rn it feels like she's become basically Sunny and Qibli's loving mom who all but shows up with cookies for them and their friends when she gets screentime. I think a lot of fandom oscillates between ignoring her and trying to pin some hypocrisy or villain arc on her bc she killed Preyhunter, which. btw. I do have an ancient draft about when I was rereading Sunny's book and taking semi-annotated notes. It's ruthless, but it's not the unwarranted murder people want it to be- she has no reason to trust the Nightwings and Preyhunter opens the convo being rude and challenging her. It's definitely there just as a fakeout to make you think Thorn is Bad News so the parent reveal is more shocking, but I think it shows a really cool and cunning side of her that I wish got more screentime.

Her and Stonemover are also one of my favorite side pairings in the series, not in that they could ever be together again but like. c'mon now. I'm a good sucker for a self made tragedy. I do genuinely believe they could've stayed together forever/become a truly happy couple if Stonemover didn't get in his own head and fall prey to the narrative about animuses and the Nightwing superiority complex. I find the way he describes her as "straight out of his favorite scrolls" as genuinely really romantic, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE m/f pairings where the girl is the headstrong, ruthless one and the boy is a flustered, hopeless romantic who wants to be her pet impress her and win her over. They have some really fun gender fuckery in their relationship and I think it's a missed opportunity to discuss wof's inverted gender roles, what with Queens being the standard. I like to hope they could (platonically) co-parent Sunny after some hard, necessary conversations, but Stonemover is really the big problem in that reconciliation because he's so stuck (ha) in his self-loathing and regret.

I think Thorn is a great side character, and I don't need her to be anything more than that. I would LOVE a winglet or smth like that about her time with Stonemover, but I feel like after the dynamic I've built in my head it would let me down. I think Stonemover should be a boygirl and just a little trans and Thorn should be a butch she/he lesbian but that's my own brand of interest.

tl;dr: that woman is so queer and so cool 2 me <3. I wish she wasn't shoehorned into a relationship w Smoulder since it feels like it was just added because Tui didn't want her "to be stuck as single forever" which is a lame way to approach a woman who absolutely did meet the love of her life and it just. didn't work out. I wish we let stories like that sit a little longer and showed her being happy with her found family of the Scorpion's Den pursuing casual relationships maybe but being happy with the life she's built that's filled with love from so many different places.

#sunny rambles #thank you for the ask !!! #I think for me I really would love to write like. about the scorpion den and thorn's life if I ever get back into fic writing proper

[neverluckygoldfish]

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

#self love #higher self #mental health #healing #recovery #sobriety #healing journey #addiction recovery #spiritual growth #alcoholism #depression recovery #self improvement #inner peace #nurture your inner child

[mysticbewitched]

hii! so lately i've been stuck on living my dream life like i always wanted this since forever since i was younger. seeing people getting into the void has discouraged me. i want to say that like i'm happy for everyone entering the void but i've been trying for months now and ngl i have been losing hope. that's sad to say coming from me. I have tried many ways but now idk i've been trying to not think about the void i've saturated my mind affirmed did everything i was supposed to. i even took many breaks from the void stopped putting it on the pedestal but i'm losing hope. tmr i have to go to this meeting with my teacher with my parents part of me just doesn't want to go anymore i hate being homeschooled i just wanna go back to regular school. and i just want to live my dream life fr. i have to get my desires before 1pm. i'm starting to feel worse everyday i laid in bed all day. i've been off meds for a year so i've been trying to blame my depression on that but now i'm noticing it's because i don't want to live like this anymore. i'm trying to be happy and persist but living day to day just not living the life i want and seeing everyone have theirs gets kinda depressing after trying for years yk. i have lifting my mood and other shit but i don't know anymore i've just been trying to not say things like maybe i am just not meant for this and maybe it not meant for me because i know it can mess up things for me but trying to be positive while not feeling like it just doesn't make anything better. what should i do? i don't wanna give up now.

sorry for the long paragraph again.

I want you to understand something very important. I need your full and complete attention on what I tell you, alright? Listen closely to what I say.

You are meant for amazing things, and you can absolutely manifest the life of your dreams. You deserve to live a beautiful life, and you can do it. You should never give up on yourself because you are way more powerful than you could ever believe.

You are the operant power of your reality, and you are in absolute control of every single aspect in your own reality. You have the magnificent power to manifest absolutely anything you desire, and you are simply not utilizing it. You keep seeing yourself as the powerless victim when you are the sole cause of your reality. This truth is meant to set you free and empower you.

The reason you are struggling is because you refuse to let go of the victim mentality, and you choose to fixate on the outside circumstances, even though it is all only a reflection of your dominant mindset. You are operating from the victim mentality, and you must understand that you cannot come to the game of conscious manifestation with a victim mindset if you want to be successful.

Your mindset will either be the cause of your glorious successes or frustrating failures.

Conscious manifestation is all a matter of mindset, and you need to realize that. It is important for you to truly understand that you just need to change your mindset, and the external world will bow down at your command. That's how powerful you truly are, but you refuse to accept it. You want to blame the outside world instead, and that kind of attitude is not going to get you your manifestations.

It is pointless to blame the outside world when you are the operant power of it all, and you have the power to change anything you desire in your favor, including achieving the void state. You can be successful, or you can continue to ignore the root cause of your struggles. Wake up from the victim mentality and realize you are infinitely powerful.

You will never have to struggle anymore once you truly accept yourself to be the creator of your reality and embrace who you truly are within. You are the cause of the conditions in your reality, and you need to embrace your power with faith in yourself.

Another thing, success stories should motivate you and excite you because if all these people can manifest their dream life, why couldn't you? You should look at all these success stories with the attitude of, "I can do that too, we have the same power." The only thing holding you back is the state of your mindset. You are the only one holding yourself back from success. Ditch the victim mentality and step into your power.

Lastly, you have not taken the void off of the pedestal because you are still viewing the state of your Godself as something outside of you and out of reach. It is only a state within you. The obsession with the void state needs to stop. It causes more harm than good. If you actually took the void off the pedestal, you would not still be remaining in victim mentality and battling self-doubt in your abilities.

You have the power to change everything in your favor. You can be successful and manifest your wild dreams with or without the void state. You have the power within you, so make it happen for yourself. I know that you can do it. You are powerful.

You don't need the void. You seriously need a change of mindset. You need confidence in yourself and your own abilities. That is what you are truly missing on the inside, and without self-belief and confidence in your abilities, you won't be able to be successful.

You are so much greater and more powerful than you believe yourself to be. This is the issue, don't you understand? I truly believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself. That's what you must understand. The victim mentality will get you nowhere, I promise you.

I highly recommend that you check out my guide on how to create your own subliminals for changing your mindset. It is the answer to your prayers.

Change your conception of yourself, and your outer world will conform to the change within.

"You are God, and your only opponent is yourself." - Neville Goddard

#loassumption #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #law of manifestation #neville goddard #void state #the void state

[vaxxy-the-raven]

14 year old me deserved better

we shouldn't have been bullied, our parents shouldn't have emotionally neglected us, we shouldn't have been allowed free reign on the internet

i have irreversible trauma all because my parents didn't understand the difference between giving shelter & food to someone and real parenting

i felt abandoned and unloved and pushed away and hated

i felt utterly worthless to, and unwanted by, the very people who had fought to have me

my parents went through IVF to have me, you know, and yet my whole life I've never really felt loved or wanted by them

i ended up so alone and scared i fell into an older person's trap and was hurt in ways that i didn't understand back then

i felt so broken and discarded, like i truly had nothing left to give to anyone else

it really fucked me up

i understand how this all happened and it sickens me

i hate that some parents hate their children and hurt them internationally, i hate that some parents don't know love and therefore can't give it to their own children in the future

i hate that people refuse to accept that girls can be evil and predatory, i hate that we treat victims as criminals even if they "followed every rule"

its no wonder i gave up on my education in the end

its no wonder i stopped living

im stuck and I feel helpless

i was talking to people, I was getting help, I was making progress (and technically i still am but not in ways that truly help in the long run) but it got too overwhelming and i just fucking shut down again

i feel trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me

it never did and never will

i feel trapped in a cycle of anger and sadness and sickness and exhaustion

5 10 15 20 25 30

i feel so fucking stuck

so fucking done

i woke up at 6am today and i couldn't fall back asleep

i trued writing it off, literally by writing fanfiction, and I've refreshed tumblr and twitter so many times since I woke up that in kind of sick of them

its now 8am and I feel dead

but not energy wise

just emotionally unwound

I'll probably feel better after i have some water and talk to my boyfriend, knowing me

but i wanted to talk about how just fucked everything feels

i feel like a vase someone smashed into smithereens and that was put back together with paper mache and string

her name kills me almost every time I see or hear it now

i think i might hate myself less than her these days, honestly

she stole my innocence and my trust and my childish love

she robbed me of a colour, of a book series, of a movie, of a flower and of so much more

she probably doesn't even remember me anymore, if she's still alive after everything

i don't know what I'd prefer

5 10 15 20 25 30

would i rather she got help and found love and happiness?

would i rather the opposite?

i feel too tired to care

she's not the last, nor am i certain she was truly the first

but she ruined me in ways nobody else could dream to

she left a sickness in my veins that i cant get rid of

its almost become lovely

i would miss it if it were gone

the hate is ugly and hisses, but i take comfort in its heat

maybe i am broken, maybe she broke me, maybe

i woke up today with terrible thoughts of things i dont want to do to myself or to others

thats fucked up

i can't remember if i was always like this or if she did this

maybe its both

5 10 15 20 25 30

all i know is that im tired

i want to stop hurting

i want to stop being scared

i want to stop being angry

i want to stop being sad

i want to stop being so tired

i just want to live and love

i love people, i do

i hate feeling such strong hatred that im not so sure is even really my own

i just want to be happy

i feel sick

#im safe #i just need to vent #already calling my boyfriend #please don't worry #just brain busy must yell #cw whatever the fuck this is #how do i tag this shit #triggering content #is this the ocd or the trauma? is it both? (: #vent #aaaaaaaaaa #cw child neglect #cw intrusive thoughts #cw grooming #i guess??? feels wrong to me but i think?? #im so fucking tired #will probably delete later

[offmychest-official]

I’m so tired of living with my roommate.

She’s my best friend and I love her. I would do literally anything for her but somehow I have fallen into a parental role for her despite being 2 years YOUNGER than her. She don’t cook. Has to be reminded to buy groceries or clean the apartment. Takes up all of the space on MY couch and is constantly only putting things on the tv that are entertaining to her and never wants to watch anything I suggest even if it’s a show I know she likes. I desperately want to move out from being her roommate but living is so expensive around us and I just can’t afford it but I am getting to the point that I am afraid that I’m building resentment towards her. I’ve talked about this extensively in therapy and have even urged her to seek professional help because she has some serious issues she just ignores (which if I’m being honest are part of the reason she’s such a child) and I’m just frustrated.

I’ve talked about this with her. I bring it up in a direct fashion constantly. But nothing I say ever has a lasting impact and all she does is blame her mental health. Her and I have a lot of the same issues and she knows she needs to go to therapy and she knows she needs to be medicated but every time we talk about it she just says “ugh I know. I know. You’re right. But I am still not going to do anything about it because that involves doing something about it” and it just sucks!!

On top of that, I have been with my partner for almost a year now and both of our leases are up at the same-ish time and I e have briefly discussed moving in together but I’m just WRACKED with guilt about my current roommate with being stuck on her own, or having to find a roommate and ending up living with someone who would make her miserable. I know me moving out would cause a complete spiral in her.

She seems to be convinced that she can just... Live in my basement or my backyard for the rest of her life and always brushes the idea of us not being roommates forever under the rug no matter who brings it up. We’re both in our mid-to-late 20’s and I am gearing up to move in with my partner and move out of state with them and/or buy a house and she thinks she’s coming with even though I’ve deliberately told her no! (Also my partner does not want to live with her which honestly I respect) I just don’t even know what to do about it anymore and it makes me feel so shitty and like such a bad friend for not being there for her and resenting her but I am truly at the end of my rope with her and am completely lost.

I want nothing but the best for her but I know she’s going to take me moving out extremely hard and I know she is going to feel like she’s losing a friend and I know this is going to cause some serious issues for her along the way especially if she cannot find a roommate in time for me moving out. But I not only do not know how to tell her I want to move out, but I don’t know what else I can do.

It all just feels really really bad.

.

#off your chest

[pensat-i-fet]

A Manchester Affair (Rúben Dias): Chapter 10

Chapter 9

Chapter 11

Masterlist

Wattpad

Coming back home from Carrington the day the international players were back, Lucía’s goal was clear. Speaking with Rúben. And she was not going to accept a no from him this time.

When she got to his door, she knocked once. Nothing. Twice. Still nothing. Three times. Same lack of response.

“Rúben! I’m not leaving until you talk to me, ok? I’ll sit here on the floor and wait if necessary. You won’t ignore me this time”.

Ten minutes later, her bum was starting to hurt from sitting on the cold floor. So she got up and knocked again.

“I mean it, Dias. Open the damn door! I’m not leaving!”

And when she went to sit down again, facing the lift, she saw the doors opening and Rúben getting out of the lift. 

“I hope you haven’t been waiting for long”, he said when he saw her.

But Lucía didn’t answer. She just run to him to hug him. And he surprised her by hugging her back. She had missed him so much.

“Let’s go inside”.

Once inside, she realised that everything she had rehearsed multiple times left her mind.

“I’m sorry”, she said.

“I’m sorry too”.

“Are you ready to talk?”, she asked.

“I’ve been ready since the day I met you”.

She could already feel the burning in her eyes from the tears threatening to fall. By the time the story ended, she’d be sobbing. But it was necessary to tell him. It was the only way for this to work.

“So, start from the beginning, right?”

He nodded, holding her hand.

“When I was 8, my brother left. He couldn’t stand my parents, which I can’t blame him for, really. And left without saying where he was going. I thought he would tell me, but he didn’t. I haven’t heard from him ever since. He could be living next door and I wouldn’t know. So that was the first time I was betrayed by someone I loved.

“My parents only got worse after that. Blaming each other for what happened and putting all the pressure on me. It was unbearable. I could be getting the best grades and it wasn’t enough. I could be winning prizes in my extracurricular activities and it was just ok. I couldn’t go out with my friends without them calling every hour to check where I was. It was impossible to live like that. So when I was 18, I left. I moved to Germany to run away from them. But at least I told them where I was and we talk once every couple of months. So there is that”.

Lucía looked up to see Rúben’s face. There was no judgement, but she could see some pity. Nothing she wasn’t used to by now.

“Once in Germany I finally had my first boyfriend, who dumped me because I was too friendly with the Bayern players I worked with. Hell, he was even jealous of Pep. Then the academy players just treated me like the young girl they could play with, which is where my rule of not dating footballers comes from. And then there was Laurens, my ex.

“He was the first person I truly felt comfortable with apart from my friend Lena. I told him everything. Every single thing I’m telling you. And you know what he did?”

She looked up again to see Rúben shaking his head.

“He used that to manipulate me. And he cheated on me for God knows how long. And he broke me. He made me feel like I could never trust another person and, more specifically, another man”.

“I get that. I would feel the same way if that had happened to me”, he said, giving her some time to take a couple of deep breaths.

“And then I met you and you surprised me by being so forward that first day. And I thought that maybe I could do that. Maybe I could just sleep with a guy I found attractive without all the added things. Maybe that way I wouldn’t be hurt again. But I couldn’t. That’s not who I am”.

“I had a feeling you weren’t. That’s why I expected things to change more easily. It was so frustrating for me to see no progress. But…I just wasn’t ready to commit fully. I felt stuck”.

“I know. I really know. But there was progress. So much progress. Only I could see it but it was there, I swear”.

Rúben stopped her from talking for a second to kiss her forehead. The small gesture meant so much to her. He was listening. He wanted to understand her. He wanted to make this work. And so did she.

“The reason why I could talk to Scott more easily is that I didn’t want from him what I wanted from you. He was just a friend. I wasn’t attracted to him and I never saw myself dating him. And that made it easier for me to open up. I get it’s not fair to you but you have to understand that was my reasoning”.

“I get it now but I wish you would have been more honest with me before. I just saw you not wanting to talk to me and having that relationship with him. It…it hurt a lot”.

“I’m sorry”.

“I forgive you. And I’m sorry for being a dick to Scott not knowing he was actually trying to get us to work. Even if he didn’t know it was me you talked about”.

That made Lucía stop to think for a second. How did he know that?

“And how do you know that?”

“Diogo talked to me when we were in Portugal”.

“What?”, she asked, shocked. “I didn’t tell him to”.

Rúben laughed. “I know, but we have to thank him because he helped me understand so many things. And I came back wanting to talk instead of feeling defensive like I was before. He probably saved us from a few weeks of being stupidly stubborn and not talking”.

“I’ll get him a fruit basket, then”, she laughed. But she’d definitely thank him.

Rúben grabbed Lucía’s face gently and looked into her eyes. “Anything else I need to know?”

She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths before talking. “That I want this to work, but I need time. I trust you, I do. But I can’t just go from broken to fixed in two seconds. You knowing my story helps but time is still needed”.

“I understand that, but you don’t need to be fixed”.

“I do”, she laughed sadly. 

“You need to heal after being hurt. That’s not the same as needing to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed”.

And those were the words that made her stop resisting. The words that made the tears fall freely. 

“Hey”, he said, bringing her closer to him and running his hand up and down her back.

“Thank you for not giving up on me”, she whispered, holding onto him as tight as she could. 

“The best things are worth fighting for”.

And they stayed like that for a long while, healing each other. Ready to start over.

**

When they finally separated from each other, they decided to cook some dinner together. Lucía was chopping the peppers while Rúben chopped the onions. Seeing him stop made her turn to see if he was crying because of the onions, but he was just staring at her.

“What?”, she asked.

“I want to do this properly. As if we started from zero”.

“Ok”, she smiled. “How do we do that?”

“I take you out on dates, we do all the cheesy stuff couples do, …that kind of thing”.

“I like the sound of that. And I guess we are doing that already. Cooking together”, she chuckled.

He put the knife down to touch Lucía’s cheek and leaned down to kiss her. It was the first time they kissed since their fight and it was completely different from every other kiss they had shared before. This wasn’t a kiss that will lead to anything else, it was just sweet and loving. 

She couldn’t stop smiling once she went back to cooking and every time she looked at him.  

"So, what do we do after dinner? Do I stay? Do I go home? I never understood the friends with benefits rules and now that we are really doing something real, I don't get how to act either", she laughed.

"You can stay if you want, but I want to go slow this time. And do things properly as I said".

"So just cuddles?", she teased.

"I thought you loved my cuddles", said Rúben, pouting.

"I do. I wasn't complaining".

And that's what they did after dinner. Just cuddles and soft kisses. It felt strange given their previous history, but it also felt so right. As if that was what they should have been doing since the beginning. But thankfully, they had a second chance to do things right.

#ruben dias #ruben dias imagine #ruben dias x reader #ruben dias fluff #ruben dias fanfic #ruben dias fanfiction #footballer imagine #footballer x reader #footballer fluff #footballer fanfiction