#and its just like. yeah im taking this too seriously but i cant help myself idk | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bitwynn · 2 years

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weird kind-of-kind-of-not sagau fic idea that i might make myself LOL

isekaied reader/guide introduces them to Among Us. Specifically to the Mondstat Vision Holders. Everyone goes fUCKING FERAL for the duration of the game-- maybe even AFTER the game AHAHAHA

and like-- god im just imagining this specific scenario where you recreate the amongus maps in ur teapot so you guys could play irl and albedo or tubby develops a teapot leisure device specifically for it so you guys could ACTUALLY FOR REAL PLAY AMONG US IRL IN THE TEAPOT

everyones wearing the suits and they got the tablets with the report button and emergency meeting buttons and everything, and albedo figures out how to stream it to the rest of Teyvat-- with everyones different povs and things and everyones just rooting for everyone and ISERHLgFSLERHJkG

okay wow-- i got sO OFF WHAT I ORIGINALLY WANTED TO SAY AHAHAH but hey at least i set some ground rules first AHAHA

but yeah. so, imagine this--

this game of among us is composed of the knights and also Venti. So thats Diluc, Kaeya, Jean, Amber, Lisa, Albedo, Sucrose, Eula, Noelle, and of course Venti. The map here in this scenario is irrelevant but, I do have to say that the "additional roles" of Scientist, Engineer, Shapeshifter, and Guardian Angel have also been added and are all implemented into this game.

the first round? rotation? whatever you call it is actually pretty eventful with Albedo, Noelle and Venti already dead. Its actually really alarming since even if its just a game, Albedo actually takes this game REALLY SERIOUSLY and shows off his skill as the captain of the investigation team. hes the actually legit detective player-- one of his greatest plays actually being how he immediately figured out who the imps are bEFORE the game even started and bEFORE ANYONE DIED. The imps that game were very annoyed (playful) to say the least.

Noelle getting got is also like-- really serious since, as everyone knows, shes very helpful. a little too helpful. when she fully trusts someone, she will do everything she can to keep them alive and safe. and if that someone is sus abt someone, she is determined to help them figure out whether or not that person is an impostor or not. ultimate crewmate basically. one of her more "scary" plays is when she unwittingly became third impostor and LITERALLY BROUGHT EVERYONE TO THEIR DEATHS. THATS HOW HELPFUL SHE IS. god she felt SO BAD afterwards but it was a good name nonetheless.

The imps killing Venti off early meant that they werent playing around anymore, because that man has the GREATEST SOUL READ OUT OF EVERYONE. helps that hes also god but we dont talk abt that and also he cant use his archon powers to cheat LOLLL. One of his most memorable moments is how before they even started the game, he cORRECTLY PREDICTED WHO THE IMPS WOULD BE THAT ROUND. when the imps received their roles, they were definitely a bit more than shocked. in that same game, he just voted the two imps to break the tie for shit and giggles. and thats how they won the game. crack energy was strong in that one LOL.

The fear and distrust is rampant the whole discussion time, with Amber and Sucrose lowkey and highkey respectively panicking, Eula making hasty assumptions, Lisa challenging those assumptions, Diluc and Kaeya at each others throats, and Jean trying and failing to get things under control. They did nOT get anywhere during that and all begrudgingly voted to skip despite being at everyones throats. everyones suspecting everyone and the only people there who are FOR SURE innocents are Amber or Sucrose.

this is because, while they both may be lousy at being imps, they still act mostly the same both as imps and crews-- aka trying their best to be helpful and win. they're both usually kinda bad at lying. not that theyre bad, its just that theyre not good and you can usually tell if theyre truthing or not by the amount of information they provide and how eager and confident they are abt it. using that knowledge, they all simultaneously agree to shadow those two everywhere since they can tell that yes, they are crewmates, yes amber did watch sucrose fumble the id card 15 times because she keeps dropping it or doing it too fast or slow, yes sucrose did the vials first before walking around the map a bit to find her next task.

so thats what happens-- they split up into group amber and sucrose and go on opposite sides of the map. and then the sabotage happens. the lights die. the amber group, consisting of, of course, amber, jean and diluc, is closer and they rush to lights where team sucrose hadnt reached yet. they all pile up into a group and pull up the lights interface. and as they set it down, theyre immediately greeted by eula reporting a dead body and amber screaming.

after jean manages to get everyone down to a respectable volume, she asks for everyone to give their testimony since she had the interface up. amber nervously says that since there were so many people at lights already, she decided to not fix it but instead watch out for any impostors that might make a move. but when she saw the blood splatter, she couldnt see who did it clearly since they were at the edge of her visibility which is when she immediately rushed forward and spammed the report button.

eula backs her up and them immediately accuses lisa of killing sucrose, off the bar that the second the lights went off she had lagged behind. lisa is greatly offended, talking about how shes targeting her since the first round with no solid basis and eula strikes back with her saying something that lisa did in the first round that made her look sus. and then diluc and kaeya start rilling it up by backing the side that they were with the most, diluc backing lisa and kaeya backing eula even if they only saw the other in passing. it gets real petty REAL fast. literally the only reason diluc is backing lisa is because while jean is trying her best to be fair, she obviously favors lisa a bit more while kaeya siding with eula is more reasonable because they actually spent time together.

it ends with amber tying the votes since despite trusting jeans judgement, all eula had done was back her up and let her voice be heard in the two times theyve had discussions and proven herself to be innocent-- lisa got voted out by kaeya and eula and amber, and eula got voted out by jean and diluc and lisa. the second their screens fade back to the table they all realize that theres gonna be no rounds left since they havent figured out who one of the imps are and theres only six of them left. all it takes is for them to kill two and its over.

they all decide to separate and spread themselves as far as they can throughout the ship to get their tasks done as fast as they can. and as amber and jean start to walk out of medbay and are greeted by kaeya and diluc suddenly appearing in the back of the room, they know that the brothers have won.

everyone is screaming when the impostor win screen pops up, featuring diluc and kaeyas beans. literally NOONE expected them to win, considering the fact that they have been at each others throats the whole time both ingame and irl. fucking NOONE expected them to just-- quietly team up to MASSACRE the entire ship. because really-- who WOULD expect it??

their entire among us game history is just them bickering with each other, it gets like-- really kind of emotional and concerning sometimes-- theyve gotten banned from playing multiple times since the whole "being an impostor" thing has very similar connotations with being a spy from another country and we aLL KNOW HOW THAT WENTTTT

the synergy between the two-- ugh--

eula is just mad she accidentally became the third impostor. AGAIN.

oh yeah, kaeya was the shapeshifter. the first kill in the first round was a double kill with venti and noelle. diluc vented out of the scene but popped up in a room where albedo was but his cooldown was still going so he just did his best to try and herd him away from the button and hope that he runs into kaeya. and fortunately kaeya does run into them, and a bit of hope blooms in albedos heart which was then promptly crushed by kaeya murdering his ass. he then watches as he turns into venti and they both leave the scene. from the second he knew they were working together, he knew they were screwed. but he does respect using the quiet expectation that they would never get along to their advantage.

the bickering did have some actual heat behind it though since diluc obviously almost fucked them in the ass when he vented infront of bedo AHAHA

#foejihurlksjdfnkjighjsfd just ragbros wORKING TOGETHER IAEOUHSDJFKEHJSDF #genshin #genshin impact #genshin impact au #genshin impact sagau #genshin sagau #genshin impact self aware #genshin self aware #sagau #diluc #diluc ragnvindr #kaeya #kaeya alberich #among us #feel free to continue or add on lollll #but if u do pls credit AHAH

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hermanunworthy · 5 months

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!DNDADS S2 EP45 SPOILERS!

WE ARE SO BACK (im going to die)

- so i have been informed that we have a NEW HERMIE FACT THIS EP??? so i have been SICK TO MY STOMACH WONDERING WHAT ITS GONNA BE. I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO GET ANOTHER

- OH THE INTRO GUY IS THE FUCKING. THE PODCAST GUY WHO CALLED TAYLOR A SLUR AGKDJD

- THE CHAOS ORBS BIT HAS ME GIGGLING

- THESE RAD FACTS ARE A MESS HELPP

- NOT FREDDIE IMMEDIATELY FACT CHECKING BETH

- I.

- I?????

- THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

- OH THAT IS SO

- OH MY GOD IM GONNA DIE

- I ASKED FOR HERMIES LORE AND I GOT IT. ITS JUST NOTHING. THERE IS NO REAL LORE

- THAT WAS SO FUCKING EVIL IM DONE BRO

- kills myself

- i havent even continued to the actual episode yet im just so shocked and upset by this. scam u evil mf i love u but why

- BACK IN EP34 HERMIE LITERALLY DESCRIBED SCAM AS "THE MAN WHO STOLE MY CHILDHOOD". yknow maybe a little murder IS deserved /hj

- finally unpausing. im a ghost now im dead

- TERRY AND GLENN. TERRY AND GLENN

- TERRY WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT NICK??? OR IS HE JUST SAYING THAT

- SCARY SPEAKING TO TERRY AAAUAGAHHH

- WHY IS YHIS FIGHT SO PATHETIC LMAOO THERE WAS SM HYPE FOR IT BEFORE

- I FORGOT THERE WAS GONNA BE A RON AND TERRY REUNION TOO OH GOD. OH GOD

- NORMAL. OH GOD

- HE WAS CRYING A BUNCH DONT DO THIS TO ME

- TERRY AND SCARY IM GONNA DIE

- "maybe it was just a phase" HOLY SHIT THATS BIG

- RON DESCRIBING NICKYS RELATIONSHIP W THE KIDDADS AS "ENEMIES TO LOVERS"

- SO RON WAS THERE AT THE NICKY BETRAYAL???

- THE GUN WAS GLOWING BLUE

- FREDDIE BEING NICKYS BIGGEST FAN 😢😢 YEAH U GO AND SUPPORT UR SONDAD

- TERRY SHOOTING NICKY TO SAVE GRANT. AND THEN LATER GRANT SHOOTING TERRY IN FRONT OF NICKY. WHY.

- TERRY AND SCARY HUG. WAAAAAA

- RON IS IN THE HUG TOO I CANT DO THIS OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING FAMILY

- damn the marlowe family daddy magic sequence was sooo much faster than the wilsons

- SCARY SAID SHE LOVES HIM. SCARY. SAID. 🧍 GUYS

- AAAUGH. NICKY POINTING OUT GLENN NOT BEING THERE FOR TAYLORS BIRTH

- THE BABY TAYLOR NOISES

- glenn showing up high is quite upsetting to me actually

- JODIE VISITED TAYLOR. MULTIPLE TIMES. TELL ME WHY IM CRYING

- I HATE MYSELF WHY AM I SO HERMIE FOCUSED WHY IS THIS MAKING ME CRY

- GLENN STOP. UR HURTING ME

- "dang. idk if i like that guy" whimpers like a hurt dog

- TAYLOR. TAYLOR SWIFT. M GONNA CRY AGAIN

- ITS ABOUT THE. THE GENERATIONAL TRAUMA. THE ABSENT FATHERS. THE VALUING OF CASUAL FRIENDSHIP OVER ACTUAL PARENTHOOD

- TAYLOR TALKING IN TJAT REALLY QUIET TINY VOICE IS KILLING ME. HES JUST A LITTLE BABY GUY

- NICKY BEING REMINDED THROUGH TAYLOR WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE NICK IS SOOO EVIL

- GOING INTO TAYLORS MEMORIES?? TAYLOR LORE....

- FREDDIE IS COMING OUT W THE BIG GUNS THIS EPISODE WOW. FOR SOME REASON I WAS NOT EXPECTING TAYLOR ANGST TODAY

- GLENN CLOSE. HAVE U SERIOUSLY LEARNED NOTHING

- OH YEAH TAYLORS NEVER HAD DISNEYLAND

- THERE IS NO FIXING THIS.

- LINCOLN HUGGING SHMEGAN HELP

- OH NO WAIT THE FBI IS TAKING OVER HELL AFTER ALL

- "get taylor and nick out" and not hermie. sorry ill shut up (NO I WONT. THERE HAS BEEN NO HERMIE THIS EP BESIDES THAT DEVASTATING RAD FACT)

- LINCOLN AS THE KING OF HELL WHAT?????

- NORMAL OFFERING TO BE THE KING OH MY GOD.

- NORMAL AND TAYLOR HAVE TO FIGHT NOW?? FR THIS TIME???

- "I WAS JUST BEING ANGSTY" HELP

- ONLY ONE GETS TO LEAVE ALIVE???????

- WHAT. WHAT

- i. i am in shock. idk how to feel. oh my lord

#dndads #dndads spoilers #dndads s2 spoilers #siren says

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1d1195 · 2 months

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I feel like it has gone by quickly?? But at the same time THE CONCEPT OF TIME IS SO WEIRD TO ME I SERIOUSLY DONT KNOW ANYMORE LOL and Friday I was a bit busy :( it was a friends birthday so I out! But trust me I was ITCHING to pull up tumblr, read and talk to you! You know I love your book recs! And honestly that book sounds creepy! But you’re right I probably would end up reading it and liking it! Definitely added to my list! But I am surprised that you read it solely because you like “easy reads” , things that basically aren’t too stressful! Glad it wasn’t horrible though lol

I SERIOUSLY CANT LOOK THAT MAN IN THE EYES😭 when i turned in my exam to him my heart was beating out of my chest! And UGH IM A SUCKER FOR A HEIGHT DIFFERENCE LIKE MY BRAIN GOES CRAZY!! And idk he’s such a hot DILF lol and YES I DID SEE THOSE HARRY PICS AND I SWEAR I FELT LIKE DROPPING ON MY KNEES FOR THAT MAN😵‍💫😩 he looks so good it makes my head all fuzzy lol

Trust me I WAS CRAZY TOO!! All I wore were band t shirts and merch during my emo phase like I had no normal clothes or clothes that weren’t from hot topic bahaha and honestly I see why you were team Edward! I FINALLY saw the Twilight movies this past summer for the first time! I was never drawn to it when it was popular or the books BUTTTTT if I did have to chose I would have been team Edward lol there was no competition in the first place lol and yes I knew ALL the emo bands lore and stuff! Specifically twenty one pilots’s lore which is all lot lol but taht was like when i was 11 lol now i simply CANNOT due to lack of brain power lol

ANOTHER COUPLE MIGHT BE GETTING ENGAGED?! HELLO?! IM GONNA CRY FOR SURE!! And I’m sure part 4 will be great! You’re really great with coming with such detailed and unique! And you take such classic tropes and give your spin on it! I genuinely think you’re so talented Sam!

What’s crazy is that in my head I call you “ Samantha” when you literally do something crazy in your stories or like make me giddy?? Like “omg SAMANTHA!!!?” Idk if any of that made sense lol anyways Noah would have been cute! But Kyle is definitely more of a frat boy name lol and yeah I know about icebreaker never read it but I’ve definitely seen the girlies go crazy over it lol

My Kyle is literally so sweet! I met him at my schools IT services thing and he helped me out! Then I saw him again and he’s very nice!

And you know I love your long responses and I love you!!!-💜

HAHAHAHAHA I TALK TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME. I CONSTANTLY say “get it together Samantha.” That’s hilarious. I love that! If you’re inclined you gotta let me know which part/line in particular you do that for every once in a while 😭😂💕 please do not apologize for having friends and plans and being social. I’m glad you went out! That sounds like fun! My best friend and I are November birthdays so we celebrate the whole month of our births (our significant others LOVE it almost as much as we do, obviously).

The book was SO CREEPY. Stress level 12/10. So OBVIOUSLY I know the deeper meaning behind “don’t judge a book by its cover” but I’ve literally never picked up a book without judging its cover. Or at the very least the back cover. I’m pretty close with my sister so I often give books about sisters a thorough twice over. ALL THIS TO SAY I had no idea what it was going to be about when I picked it up hehehehe

Omg I could cry. Height difference, DILF, unable to look him in the eyes ughhhh I will also cry. I’m swooning just thinking about it 😭 I gotta write a professor/TA situation one of these days 😍😍😍

I don’t think I had an emo phase. A pseudo emo phase for sure. I never got into bands the way I was supposed to (but if I hear Fall For You I turn into a puddle). I’m obsessed with the image. I am spiraling at the idea you only saw Twilight last summer. I went to the midnight premieres I’m CRYING 😂

I have a lot of ideas in my head but they all boil down to happily ever after, marriage, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. I feel bad yall gotta keep reading the same story over and over 😂

Okay Kyle def is more of a frat name that was also what I thought when I switched it over. Noah was too cute I think hehehe maybe another story.

OBSESSED WITH YOUR KYLE MEET CUTE. CAN’T WAIT TO WRITE ABOUT IT 😍💕

Have a lovely start to your week bestie! 💕💕

Xoxo

P.s. Don’t read my update tomorrow if you’re having a good day lol I have been struggling with seasonal depression (I think it’s just regular depression actually at this point. But ya know) I am being dramatic honestly. Please don’t worry about me but regardless I’m probs going through an emo phase NOW hahahahahaha so it’s a little bit of a tear jerker imo

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yushox · 2 years

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WINGS

Quackity wakes up one day with this horrible itchy feeling on his back, with something liquidy running down the already sticky feeling skin.

The feeling is horrible and alarming.

Looking at his bed he nearly empties his stomach, instantly recognizing the liquids of a bad infection, also most of his feathers have fallen off in his sleep.

Panic sets in quickly and he is quick to grab his phone. Racking through his brain why he grabbed it.

Finally he remembers a private little comment, a promise from certain someone.

He punches in the number, hoping it still will work.

A couple of rings pass by.

"Hey Q, didn't think you would ever call me-"

"I don't have time for chitchat, do you still have the Las Nevadas chip I gave you and told you to never show it to anyone?"

"Yeah man, you sound sick.."

"Well, yeah, I am... really really sick. I need help with something. And I would only trust another winged person with something like this."

"Don't tell me you're in he-"

"I'm not, I'm actually genuinely ill... please use that chip as proof that you can visit and get one of my people to escort you to my room... please hurry, I'm panicking really bad right now."

"Okay man, I'll see you in about half an hour away, im pretty far away right now so please try to be patient.. I'll help you."

"Thank you..." he hangs up, he never thought he would ever let that person in his country. But he'd rather avoid seeking out Philza if he can avoid it.

His phone pings "I sent Tommy your way, he's closer and has better knowledge about medical stuff, don't worry, he's winged too. I'll hurry as fast as I physically can, but right now I am held back by a pretty big herd so I had to send tom."

"Okay. okay... does he know... about my past, about what you know?" he asks.

"Filling him in as we speak. Apparently he's experienced something bad with wings too, so he can comfort you and will understand you.... oh.. it involves dream, its always dream huh... fuck, cant talk anymore!.. see you in a little bit!"

The response comforts him. Inadvertently his hate towards Dream increases just at the implications that the mad did something to Tommy's wings.

Someone knocks "Sir, Saint Tommy is visiting."

"Let him in.." and Tommy walks in with a medical bag and everything "why do you look like you saw a ghost and were on the run?"

"Doesn't matter, but I will say that you have really good defenses. Also "Saint Tommy"? Really?"

Smiling he continues the conversation as the young adult gets his medical stuff ready "Thanks. Also yeah, felt like you needed a good title to be known by in my lands. Didn't want to use something like sir or someshit, saint seemed cooler."

"Cool, lets go to the bathroom and let the cleaners change your sheets." the younger speaks seriously.

"Okay doc," he stands and goes to the bathroom while Tommy instructs the cleaners on how to clean up the bed properly.

Soon Tommy walks into the room as well and gets the nearby stool "Take off your shirt and sit down, I need to see how bad the infection is."

He does as told and hisses at the little pokes at his wings "When did you become a doctor? Do you even have any certificates?"

"Big Q, I can't even read in the first place, what certification do you think I could ever get. Nah, I just forced Techno, Phil and Wilbur to read me biology and medical books instead of fairy tales as bedtime stories. I was obsessed with that shit. I've practiced alot of stuff on animals and myself alot. treating you will definitely be a breeze." the blonde laughs.

Tommy stops poking "Looks like a regular old dead limb necrosis, it's surprising it hasn't gone to this stage sooner. But you were smart about calling for help. Any longer and it would be a certain death. I'll just have to cut out the rotting parts... I have a bad feeling that your preening glands are also going to have to be removed. I'm unsure. All I need is your utmost consent to do these procedures."

"Erm, I assume bedrest..?"

"Nahh, I'll wash and desinfect the wounds at the end and then hold them close while drenching them with some regen. I don't want you to be forced to sleep on your stomach for days on end, besides I'm sure neither of us can afford to be on bedrest anyways."

For a few seconds it's silent as he thinks.

"You don't have to tell me anything Tom... but, can I see what that bastard did to your wings?"

"Oh, no I'm fine telling you. He kinda ripped them out along with the muscles and everything. Didn't clean the wounds just dumped alot of regen into them and left. I barely managed making a good enough antibiotic, had to rely on natural ingredients too. But my back has been fucked up ever since in all kinds of ways. There's more, way more than just that, but I want to talk to Wilbur about everything first."

"Fucking hell man... yeah, ofcourse, as long as you trust Will I won't stop you, just be careful."

"Ofcourse, anyways lets start the procedure. This will certainly hurt alot, but you are strong enough so."

---

After it's all said and done, Tommy helps Quackity go back to the bed. The younger walks out of the door and a much olde man walks in "Hey Q..."

"Hey asshole.."

They smile to eachother painfully, for once not finding it in them to yell and argue. The silence is comforting and familiar.

Q looks at the feathers collected and put into a box by his cleaners per Tommys instructions.

He picks one out, fading love pheromones still clinging to it.

Without a single word spoken he hands it to Wilbur. He will never say those words out loud again, not wanting to jinx it after getting his heart broken so many times.

Wilbur accepts the feather and pulls his only wing out, carefully preening the gifted feather into his own feathers. He silently pulls out a love feather of his own and sits besides Q.

"I don't have wings dumbass..."

He just chuckles and gently preens his feather into the shorter mans hair.

Quackity stares into Wilburs eyes, their faces coming close to one another.

And Quackity is the one who breaks the distance, crashing his lips into Wilburs.

Wilbur easily lets it happen, falling backwards and letting the other get on top. He notices the worried question in the charcoal haired mans eye "You're not Sally Q. You can never compare to her... I trust you."

Q smiles and puts his lips against Wilburs once more.

Together they create the true colors of Las Nevadas.

Wilbur raises his hand and slowly, carefully touches Quackitys scars, both of them discovering that the mans preening glands are still intact by the sudden bite into Wilburs neck.

Neither talk through the night, but they certainly will not forget the warmth they shared.

---

Days later Quackity walks into a important meeting, Wilburs feather proudly displayed in his hair.

Someone asks if he and Wilbur are an item.

"No" is his only answer. But in private, his heart, while still shattered and bleeding, has found it's final home.

#dsmp #dream smp #tntduo #quackbur #tommyinnit #doctor tommyinnit #tommy can't read lol #loosing body parts #necrosis #oneshot #i'm on my tntduo arc #sort of happy ending #ambiguous relationship #c!dream doesn't deserve to be anywhere except in the void #non canon #headcanon #YushoxStuff

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furiousgoldfish · 2 years

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i saw you were opening this up!! i have a lot to say-

first of all, thank you for this blog. it's literally helped me so much in figuring out what abuse is like and helped me realize the kind of household i really live in.

my whole life i thought i was exaggerating or making shit up , that my experiences werent valid or crazy enough to be considered abuse. i literally forgot so many events in my life because i repressed them and because of that i feel like i cant explain my situation that well.

my parents and brother are incredibly homophobic and transphobic, theyre super fucking toxic to me and its horrible. when i was younger and was having a hard time in school because of a group of bullies, i called them to pick me up and when i explained what happened they told me it wasnt that big of a deal and it wasnt something to cry to them about.

when i was in seventh grade i had a panic attack at this church thing my mom was going to, and she took me outside while i was trying to calm down. i repeatedly told her "im sorry" for dragging her out and wasting her time, and she looked at me frustrated and said "you should be."

when i was questioning my sexuality they told me it was the devil lying to me and putting things in my head. they brought me to several pastors and churches so i could talk to leaders about it and they all told me that it was sinful and against god.

i came out as nonbinary last year, and my brother found out because he looked through my things, and then outed me to both my parents after i told him to not say anything. they said they refused to send me to any kind of therapist that wasnt a biblical one or a pastor and that im only looking for people who tell me what i want to hear.

my dad placed 30 minutes of screen time for tiktok, discord, and snapchat. he once brought me to a restaurant because he said he wanted to hang out, but when i got there he pulled out literal charts of bar graphs depicting how much time i spent on each app. then he told me he was going to either take away all my social media and online friends, or he was going to interrogate them. and i had to choose.

once in a family therapy session my mom said she would rather kill herself than let me join an lgbt support group. another time my brother came to my room and told me my mom was suicidal and that it was my fault. he said, "you think you have problems? you think youre depressed? mom is literally suicidal because of this whole thing with you. this is a wake up call. grow up."

another time, he (my brother) told me that i was a woman, that i couldnt change that, that its what it said on my birth certificate and no matter how much i called myself nonbinary it wouldnt change that im a woman.

recently, i talked to my mother about getting a new therapist. she gave me the phone number to one she found. and it was a conversion therapist. she was about to send me through a conversion program. this was a few days ago.

my parents constantly tell me that what they do is because they love me and want whats best for me and i constantly make a problem because i dont appreciate them or i get mad at them or i dont talk to them or i push them away. and it makes me feel like its my fault.

again, thank you so much for your blog. its helped me ground myself so much. keep doing what youre doing- seriously its amazing. <33

Yeah, all of us think we're exaggerating and making stuff up, it's incredibly sad we all get to not just get hurt, but constantly second-guess ourselves about it. Repressing and forgetting events is also extremely common too, it's out only means of defense against a too-painful reality.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with homophobia and transphobia at such a young age, and from your family members as well, it's devastating. You should have gotten support from your family members when you were bullied, being picked on and hurt by your peers is enough bad, without anyone acting like it's a no big deal.

It's so painful you were apologizing for having a panic attack, even in the worst pain you still had to think about what others might think and whethere you're an invonvenience. It's hateful they tried to stop you questioning your sexuality, you if anyone have the sole right to figure it out for yourself. Even to involve religious authority to shame you, that's sick! I hate every single pastor who had the fucking nerve to tell to a child their sexuality is sinful or against god, sexuality is something so natural and positive and you should have been celebrated.

It's incredibly hateful to expose you to religious abuse just because they found out, against your consent, that you're non-binary. They used religion as a threat against you, and as a way to control who you are, and are not allowed to be, and this is a crime. Your choice has been taken away and given into the hands of people who only had control and force in mind.

Your social media time is your own business, I can't imagine anyone punishing a grownup for something like that, the entire world is on the social media without any self control! You've done nothing wrong.

Your mother is awful. Die rather than for her child to have a healthy support. I'm so sorry you had to hear something so hateful, from your own parent. You didn't deserve that. It's not your fault. You can't control your sexuality, you can't control people's hatred. I wish you had more support during this. Nobody is allowed to blame you for hatred that's directed at you.

I'm so sorry that your family members refuse to accept your identity, and that they would do something so horrifying as conversion to you. That is not only dangerous but deadly, and it has never been done out of love. I hope you never get sent to a conversion program, because that is devastating and dangerous, I want you to stay safe, to receive love and support for who you are.

I hope in the future, you will meet people who will find you natural and delightful just as you are, who will share the same mindset and approve of every bit of who you are. You deserve so much support in dealing with this. I'm with you, and I bet a lot of people can relate to this and want to offer you community.

#abuse #ask #furiousgoldfish #homophobia #transphobia #emotional abuse #guilt tripping #victim blaming #religious abuse #intolerance of sexuality #intolerance of identity #spiritual abuse #shaming #guiltig

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bbarican · 11 months

Text

june 04, 2023; 8:46 pm - should we just keep driving?

hi tumblr! how are you guys doing? how was everyone’s weekend? ako, im ready to talk about my date yesterday so if youre bored and you wanna join me in dissecting the events of yesterday’s date then please feel free to read along

we met up in coffee academics and it felt almost nostalgic seeing him again? kasi the last time we saw each other was early 2022 and alot has happened since then and i ultimately felt like “im so glad he’s meeting this version of myself naman”

it was really fun, like it was so good to remember how fun it actually is whenever we’re together; ang ingay niya, pero ako rin, tapos ang kulit namin saka ang gulo ng mga topics namin and i enjoyed every single bit of it, we talked about serious stuff as in we really wanted to know kung anong nagbago samin and also we were talking about aliens and weird stuff like that basta tawa kami ng tawa

he was nice enough to go with me to atc to buy food for my family and back to molito again kasi he was parked there

we ended up hanging out a bit sa car niya for a bit in the same parking spot just talking and listening to music and eventually thinking of somewhere else to go kasi nga we didnt want to go home pa naman; he also asked if i still remember the name he gave his car and ofcourse i still remembered it and i dont think im ever gonna not remember it

we ended up going to a more quiet parking spot away from the malls and just remembering everything now is making me emotional?

he opened up the back door of his car (the type na paside yung open ng door) and we just talked - we talked for hours as in we were there from siguro 7 pm to 11 pm just talking

okay so ofcourse there was some flirting and i loved every bit of it and he was really touchy which i really loved too pero the fact na he initiated converstations really had me feeling really good and fuzzy inside? i was telling my bestfriends na it felt so refreshing to just talk to someone about everything and anything after months of just keeping everything to myself

we laughed lot - i cant explain why or how but this is so important to me, and i think im craving this more than sex?

we did end up making out but again that was just the cherry on top of everything else just being so good

but there are things na i got to take away from my our date last night which i guess would help me from putting a label on how im feeling right now:

he isnt really looking into dating seriously so thats the catch, and tbh i dont know if he ever will be and if im even going to be on his list of people he would even want to consider dating?

with that being said, and i actually told him this din - i actually dont have enough time and energy to wait around for him or for anyone who would be similar to him

kaya ang sakin lang is - im just glad i got to show him who i really am and i hope thats enough for him to see what he could lose if he does end up not pursuing me

im glad na i also got to show him who i am genuinely and im also glad na atleast now, i really know what i want in a relationship

it wouldve been nice if siya yung person na makukuha ko, but atleast he was the one to show me na it is possibe to have the type of relationship na im looking for and that hopefully it will just take some time before i get to have that experience for real and for good

im a bit sad now kasi nga this just proves na stuff like this always and will always rarely happen to me nalang, but im still trying to be as patient and hopefully as i can be

so yeah - i wouldnt say na back to zero ako, but im just glad na everything happened the way it did; its weird too kasi in coffee academics, the neone sign beside me literally stated “youre exactly where you need to be” and i knew that meant something kaaagd

if youve made it to the end of my post, thank you for reading along. ikaw, what do you think? id love to hear your thoughts (tbh just so i stop thinking about all of this) but also id love the company cause everything feels really bittersweet right now

but yeah - i hope the evening goes well for all of us; we all deserve to rest before conquering another week

#bbarican #personal #thoughts #writings #life #love #rant #dump #update #date #dating #love life

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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year

Note

this is about the convo earlier with being molested by family members..i'm also balkan and i grew up with my grandparents but especially my grandpa inappropriately touching my chest and when i tried to tell my mom, older sis and aunt they all dismissed it as 'ehh he probably didn't mean to/his hand slipped'. i didn't wanna insist and look crazy because i do love my grandpa and he was the only parental figure i had in my life growing up, but at the same time...he did do that. idk if he thought it was normal or what but i think about it often. i can't bring it up with my family again because they'll just ignore it (especially now that he's dead). it's weird to think about how loving and nice he was when he was also doing shit like that from time to time. idk where i'm going with this but yeah. i don't think of myself as someone who was molested as a kid but this shit is definitely normalized. i've seen it in other families where they'd constantly touch and talk about their little boy's genitals... it's so fucked up

it really is fucked up, and its fucked up to realize that so many of us grew up w this.... for a long time i thought this was a me issue not a cultural one - and all the silence and shame around it certainly didnt help w that.... its been fucking weird to think abt the last couple of days since i asked on here abt it. like.. weve really made this SO normal and common huh?? that going against it is outright dismissed or even punished??? i cant help but just keep wondering where the fuck it all went so wrong and how we got here - and whats so wrong that things like this havent been accepted only in the balkans but elsewhere. what. what is wrong with this species. incest is one of the only universal taboos among humans, and most other mammals also have an aversion to it. and yet. we have normalized an abnormal amount of it nontheless over and over again .....? uuuff

im sorry you went through that, and im sorry they didn't take it seriously and listen more to you. thats something that always hurts in particular. discomfort/repulsion is a normal reaction to have and youd expect at least the other women in ur family to care or understand it too, and its rly fucked up when they just... dismiss it or minimize it or make you feel guilty for it or like its your issue or hell do it themselves.. i figure for a lot of them, if theyd accept that what youre saying is bad, itd mean theyd have to accept that things they went through themselves was bad, and they dont wanna do that. so they dont do either.. im sorry that u cant speak abt it and i totally get how him being dead would make it all much harder. in my family at least we v much have a "dont speak ill of the dead" sorta thing, or just excusing the actions of particularly men after they did sorta thing......i still haven't told my family just about anything. any time i ever tried to bring up anything as a kid id get dismissed and ignored at best or be punished or degraded and humiliated at worst so.... learned my lesson on that one but. thank u for sending this, i hate to hear how many of us went through this but also its. nice to know that were not alone in this and that other ppl do get it

and i feel you. its a really confusing mess to try to make sense of how to feel abt ppl like that... be angry? be grossed out, be scared? be numb, be okay with it, pretend it didnt happen? excuse it, explain it away? .... and its just weird in the cases when it wasnt rly something particularly violent, or ""not that bad/bad enough"" ig or towes that line of being able to convince urself that maybe welll it could have been an accident. its weird to know how to feel abt them when they were seemingly ok ppl you cared abt and still do and who were nice other times. .. but also... did shit like this which end of the day just isnt ok. idk... i dont think theres rly a end or solution or one way to feel, i think.... its just kinda bound to be a cocktail of conflicting emotions... im still trying to figure out how to find some sort of. idk, potential resolution or peace w any of it but i haven't rly figured it out yet, i just keep turning it in my mind too

#anon im sending u many hugs and wishing u all the best 🌸 feel free to vent whenever

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purplecraze · 1 year

Text

Beauty and the Beast AU 22

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 10:48 PM

"uhm......

Tonight was-... well, plainly said, the best night I've ever had.. thank you."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:00 PM

Narancia blushed "eheh what i can say, im a really charmy boy~" he smirked but hia face was red as a tomato

"It was...really romantic, and also my first kiss yknow?"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:02 PM

"w-- seriously?" Fugo looked off, blushing too. "you asked it as if you've done it a 100 times..."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:04 PM

He laughed "What? Really??"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:04 PM

He nodded. "You seemed so sure of yourself..."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:05 PM

"B-But you are the one that confessed first! Werent you the one that wanted to kiss me in the first place???"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:06 PM

"h-huh?? no, it was definitely you! we barely held hands, danced a bit and you started about kissing!"

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:09 PM

"You dont say to people 'i cant help wanting to touch you' all love dovey like that without romantic subtone!" He blushed "you used the tone of someone confessing their feelings!" He chirped covering his face with his hands

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:10 PM

"ah-- t-that was just---" Fugo's face practically glowed. "c-can you blame me!?? i didn't talk to anyone for years! i didn't-- I wasn't--" he didn't sound too convinced himself now either.

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:12 PM

"Oh my god i was sure you were telling me you had a crush on me" he was still covering his face "oh my god im gonna bury my self under the snow" he let out an awkard laugh

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:13 PM

"h....hmrrr......" Fugo avoided having to look at him over the awkward miscommunication. "well.....it all ended well...so......take it as you want..."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:15 PM

He laughed again, taking his hands away from his face, but still red as a tomato

"Oh my god-" he snorted "it ended well because looks like we are both two dumbass"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:17 PM

Fugo nodded, still not looking.

"I....I might have meant it that way? but I didn't realize it at the time, at least..."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:18 PM

He giggled, trying to calm down

"Pff- yeah but-- sorry man, it must be so awkard for you having me asking kisses and stuff"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:19 PM

"I just-....thought you were used to doing that more often..."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:22 PM

"Uhh nope-" he shaked his head "A-And even if i was i wolunt ask i knew you didnt wanted to-"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:22 PM

"w-- I never said I didn't want to!!"

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:23 PM

"Pff..w-well, its a bit awkard to day after we made out but i have a crush on you Panna"

purplecraze — 09/10/2021 11:26 PM

"wauw, I sure didn't notice that." he bumped his head on the railing, exasperated.

"I've said it before, but I'll say it as many times as you want: I love you."

orange-plane-boy — 09/10/2021 11:29 PM

He giggled "i love you too!!"

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:21 AM

"....." Fugo looked a bit pensive at the horizon. "........actually, thinking about it, if I had said that and then would reject you after, saying I only meant it in a friendly way, that would have made me the lowest scum out there."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:22 AM

"E-Ehy its ok i mean- i could just have miss intepr- miss int- got it wrong!"

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:22 AM

"misinterpreted. well.... you didn't."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:23 AM

"Well glad i didnt!" He said smiling.

God Fugo was pretty under the sunrise light, he wanted to kiss him again

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:25 AM

I mean, if you're prepared to die for it and leave him miserably alone forever?

"In fact, you might have interpreted it better than I did myself, having us end up like this."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:31 AM

"Thats good! Glad my dumbassery made us date eachother"

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:32 AM

"ah yes, the 6th sense: touch, smell, sight, taste, hearing, and dumbass."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:33 AM

He giggled "Well, it works for me!"

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:34 AM

"Works just fine for me too~

the supplies should arrive somewhere during the day, you can just stay here and sleep while I pick them up."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:36 AM

He nodded "Yep, i think im gonna go sleep a bit now"

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:37 AM

"okay. tonight should be rather quiet too, so take all the rest you need."

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:39 AM

"Sure! You should sleep too!" he said yawning "Good Night Panna- well, its not night but you got it-" He smiled and blew him a kiss, being the closest thing to a good night kiss he could give to the other

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:41 AM

"~❤️....." Fugo sighed without a word, but Narancia could feel a certain birdy on his shoulder that snuggled in his neck (where the bitemark was)

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:41 AM

Nara giggled and waved to Fugo again, before laving the tower and going to his room

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 12:48 AM

"..........." Fugo staid where he was for a while, staring at the sun slowly rising.

The sudden silence buzzed in his ear and his hands tingled strangely. he could feel a sore pain in his jaw too. and a burning in his throat.

He didn't know why, he wasn't sad at all, but he couldn't help crying, the tears just wouldn't stop.

Overwhelmed, lonely, insecure, but also incredibly relieved. Not being able to touch Narancia again fell heavy on him, but he had so SO many things to be grateful for over the past night......Narancia.... my dearest Narancia..... please, whatever you do, don't let me be the end of you.....

The bird kept Narancia company for the time he was still awake, though Fugo's conscious didn't really seem to be with it.

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 12:52 AM

Narancia on the other hand curled himself in his bed, hugging the pillow next to him.

He was feeling excited, having someone loving you back after so long; but at the same time the whole thing was scary. He wasnt afraid of Fugo, more of the bizzarre and new relationship it would happend, but he felt like he could hande it.

He petted the little bird for a while, but soon drifteed to sleep

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 3:23 PM

I sure wonder what he's thinking of while hugging that pillow~ over time, the bird disappeared again, though.

lucky for Fugo, the supplies were delivered fairly early. he could keep a sharp eye on the surrounding from up in the tower, also sending a message with instructions for the next month, so he saw that things were delivered at the usual rendezvous spot. normally, Fugo always looked forward to it. Not so much because of the supplies, but this was the closest he'd see humans every month.

Really, it must have been rather pathetic, but it was all he had.

Also it came with his least favorite chore.

The telekinetic magic he used was normally only meant for moving light objects. so a cart with a month worth supply was a hassle. It took all his magic power in one go. And he was already exhausted from the last week, with last night as the big finale....

But he had envisioned how he must have felt if Narancia had gone with the merchants. He probably couldn't bare it if he had... It was embarrassing how dramatic the thought sounded, but he may have died from a broken heart.

Maybe he was just really tired. getting the cart over and the emotional rollercoaster were enough to make him weakly drag himself to his room and fall in a deep deep sleep.

orange-plane-boy — 09/11/2021 3:33 PM

Narancia sleept for some hours. He stretched and got himslef dressed.

Imagining that Fugo was still sleeping, he did what became his hobby since he got there: scooping around.

Not his fault if the house was so big!

He checked the kitchen first, his eyes shined when he saw all the new food; and made himslef some breakfast (or lunch? What time it was again?)

And then got back to explore the house.

One thing he started to do was just grab random junk and take it in his room. Mostly it was stuff that Fugo forget to repair or something that catched his eye, may it be stuff left in the guest rooms or that maybe once was used by the maids of the house.

Trinking and trying to repair stuff was sure better than trying to read all those books on his own, he would wait Fugo for that

Speaking of Fugo nh...maybe he could use the stuff he found to make something for chirstmas~!

purplecraze — 09/11/2021 11:58 PM

yeah, you could. but what's the guarantee he won't break it again?

either way, there's plenty to work with, and Fugo had clearly said that he could have anything he wanted.

There's not a trace from the blond for the rest of the day, he must have been very tired what with the fever, the curse, the dome, narancia and the supplies.

orange-plane-boy — 09/12/2021 12:08 AM

After some time Narancia got back in the kitchen, he wondered if Fugo had some food with him in his room, because he didnt saw him the whole day...

Oh well he could make something before the sunrise!

Quite excited he started to grab some of the new stuff and trying to cook something.

When he was done the kitchen was a mess, but he was really pround of himself.

He grabbed the plate and went upstair, knocking the door

"Panna~~ I made some stuff to eat! I have uuhh, mash poteto, and i grilled some bread and cheese aaaand chicken breast! Can i come in or i leave the plate here?"

purplecraze — 09/12/2021 12:18 AM

there came no reply. he's not in?

orange-plane-boy — 09/12/2021 12:19 AM

He waited a bit and then reached the handle, even if he wasnt in the room, he could leave the plate on the night stand for him to eat later

purplecraze — 09/12/2021 12:21 AM

no, he was there afterall. only he's completely out cold and drained.

orange-plane-boy — 09/12/2021 12:24 AM

Oh- Well he must be tried...

He left the plate on the nightstand and looked at him, despite looking tired he was cute eheh

"Sleep well" He wispered

purplecraze — 09/12/2021 12:25 AM

"hh....nmmhh....." he tossed around a bit. seems he was indeed a very restless sleeper.

orange-plane-boy — 09/12/2021 12:28 AM

Cute!

Better let him rest before the sun setted, so he left the room.

He grabbed him own plate and some extra bread if he got some munchies in the night and got in his own bedroom, locking the door.

He had his dinner and then took a bath.

He had enough junk and trinket to spend the night if he wasnt able to sleep, so for once he would try to stay inside

purplecraze — 09/12/2021 12:43 AM

considering it was the night after the full moon, there was only some distant moaning, and sometimes something breaking. the majority of the night was fairly silent.

#purplecraze #orange plane boy #fugo replies #beauty and the beast AU

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knightartorius · 2 years

Text

wwdits 4x1 countdown!

the long post where i document every day until wwdits returns on july 12! all 60 days of misery, pain, hardship, love, joy, and innocence all in one place. why did i do this you ask? ………………..

60:

WWDITS ANNOUNCED NANDERMO REAL WE WON YES. YES. JULY 12 SAVE THE DATE. YES. YES. YES wwdits is upon us soon. i feel nothing but joy. WWDITS WWDITS YEAHHH

59:

The excruciatingly long wait until July 12 has hit. It’s starting to look dim. I am unsure if I will even live to see it.

58:

i started this on day 59 because i needed a way to get the absolute amount of soot off my heart from the 60 day wait and it is STILL day 59 as im writing this and i just cant wait til day 58 to say that im fucking dying. i cant. and theres going to be another wait for ofmd eventually and oh my goddd. im such an impatient person and i cant. its currently day 58 and i am watching flight of the conchords to cope

57:

i have decided to watch one critical role episode every day which will occupy about 25 days worth of my time. this may vary with school and summer break but i need a distraction. i am rewatching ofmd for the first time in a little while. this is terrible… i have school today as well which is stunting my coping abilities. not good. havent once been able to focus on anything because my head is just critrole ofmd wwdits on repeat i am dying… my critrole pacing is also already so off, im on like episode 4 and i shouldve only finished 2 or something like that. but i cant help but have the cliffhangers resolved

56:

day 56 has begun, and im starting to realize how fucking long this post is gonna be. and how long the wait really is.. obviously when you think of 60 days as 2 months it feels like not all that long, but when you break it down into days, and hours of days, thinking each time you update this post and whatnot, it makes it feel much longer. in better news, only 3 more days of school left!

55:

this being the last week of school might be slowing down time. it feels like the longest week on the fucking planet… after days 57-53 this should be smooth sailing. anyway speaking of school nobody is taking this shit seriously anymore, nobody is here and ive just been playing minecraft in class

54:

unsure if im now behind on critrole because i had to spend hours working on a “group” project from complete scratch due at *checks watch* 11:59 because my partner ghosted me… i also have another project due at *checks watch* 11:59 today and i wont be getting home to work on it until 8. this is pretty great idk. why did all this stuff fall on the last week of school im more stressed than ive ever been on a “chill week.” maybe if wwdits was back itd be better

53:

IVE BEEN SO BUSY ALL DAY RHAT I TOTALLY FORGOT TO UPDATE HII.. SCHOOL ENDED TODAY!! i finished me projects and all…very proud of myself for getting through this week kinda ok? forgot to add yesterday that in class we wrote letters to ourselves as graduates in english and i mentioned both ofmd and wwdits… more than once like they were plot points..loved writing it too. but yes summer is officially upon me!!!!!!! yeah baby

52:

first day of summer has sucked. woke up far too early (who wakes up at 7 in the summertime like the sun hadnt even risen) and now im sick..life is pain quote the nun

51:

so i absolutely underestimated how sick i was gonna get towards the end of the day, to the point where i only have a very hazy memory of the entire evening.. but its 1 am and i woke up from a nap i presume and i feel a lot better now. definitely a few days behind on critical role too, havent had any time to watch in between being sick as FUCK and school. we are almost through the first ten days of the wwdits wajt though!!!! im so excited im also getting a new phone today, ive had the same one for 4/5 years now and shes starting to be a little shit so. GOT THE NEW PHONE! (iphone 13) it is so smooth and the camera BUMPIN… it fits in me hand nice too. lord how i needed this baby. i also watched 25 minutes of morbius too, and its..absolutely unwatchable so i turned it off. i cant even watch it as a joke

50:

TEN DAYS DOWN!!!!!!!!!! the impossible task is starting to look…possible! in fifty days ill have the pleasure of saying…nandermo is real. but for now, all i can say is nandermo will be real in 50 days. im also starting to feel a little better? my throat is still killing me though. the one issue i have with this phone is that “autistics for otori emu” use to fit perfectly in one line of text but now its like

AUTISTICS FOR OTORI

EMU

and its kinda ugly. ill never change it though

49:

LOVE AND THUNDER JULY 8…july is gonna be a big month for taika god damn anyway I CANT WAIT!!!!! i wanna see this movie so bad….AHH.. also lowkey been inactive at the moment. not sure why

48:

watched the lighthouse last night, it was lowkey gay porn but i loved it. certified really good movie. anyway, im in a movie watching era of this countdown. except i watch like 1 movie a day every night. tonights is everything everywhere all at once! im very excited i hope i cry. didnt cry but still really enjoyed the movie! i wish they took a more “you dont have to forgive your parents” approach, cause they kinda just ignored the fact that evelynn was the one who broke joy, and her breaking joy fractured her in every universe… and like yeah joy was able to heal and forgive but she shouldnt have to forgive her mother just because she saved her. a lot of people with trauma have it in our brains (especially those of us with parental trauma) that we have to forgive our abusers and media rarely ever empowers those of us who are unable to simply forgive and forget, and this movie had the perfect opportunity to do that, but in a sense im glad they didnt also

47:

its morbin time. not really anything to say today, but its been cloudy for the past week and im wondering when im gonna get to see the sun again. the countdown is smooth sailing otherwise! OH WAIT ive been playing life is strange true colors and its been..fun?? idk ive also been playing the sims for fun again too which .. it has been ages since… i have a “legacy” going kinda but the first gens story is pretty fucked up so im just having fun with mods really

46:

kissed ryan and its the only choice ive been 100% confident about in this game. i love ryan. hes my one true love. they dont make men like this in the real. im also gonna retry watching morbius im obsessed with this movie + my bff is graduating today im so happy for him

OKAY MAYDAY THE WWDITS EPISODE TITLES JUST RELEASED AND. WE ARE 95 DAYS AWAY FROMA “The Wedding” it could be nandermo. it could and im scared (KITE FROM THE FUTURE: its not nandermo nandor is marrying a woman??)

45:

these past 5 days have been going so fast im scared. too fast almost. in like 30 minutes were gonna have wwdits 4 like it was nothing. also rewatching morbius second night in a row because my friend wants to watch it with me. hes morbing out oh my god oh shit. okay we ended up not watching morbius but i watched wwdits (2005) and 1) taika hot 2) the montage of people calling them fags is so..timely idk. but for everyone who always says “ah nz is so progressive” and acts like conservatism doesnt exist there and idolizes the countrys politics… reality check please. 3) taika hot like all the letterboxd review are about his hair and shit and yea i agree completely. but i made a post to my instagram story and tldr it was about how the wwdits franchise kinda encapsulates the changes in perception of queerness throughout the 21st century and honestly its one of the most interesting aspects to me while consuming all wwdits content

44:

hunt for the wilderpeople is a movie that i watched that broke me a bit. i didnt cry or anything of the sort but god i loved ever second of it. how will i live. anyway i think im officially over the ofmd grief but rather im shocked that the show still hasnt been renewed..not in like an awww boo hoo but like..what the fuck is hbo doing (KITE 3 DAYS IN THE FUTURE HERE: THIS IS SO FUNNY. THEY WERE WAITING UNTIL PRIDE MONTH)

43:

watching both top gun movies, was inspired by flight of the conchords. will be back. ok i only watched the og top gun but i did thoroughly enjoy it, and damn that movie is beautiful if nothing else + american psycho. and american psycho i loved a lot. also if youre wondering why im watching so many movies its a summer goal of mine to watch a lot of movies because i notoriously dont like movies as an artistic means and have watched like barely any movies proportionate to my lifespan and im trying to change that. i still dont like movies really but…oh well im glad im using this to watch some good films. my letterboxd is kite4444_1 if you were interested in seeing my ratings (they are wonky…and 3 means i liked/enjoyed it btw)

theres also a meteor shower tonight (allegedly) so im sitting outside at 1 am viewing the sky, ive seen 1 so far so dub! rare once in a lifetime experience in the wwdits countdown

42:

i really dont know how to break the meteor shower stuff up but its 1:30 am so its officially day 42. i saw 4 big meteors, a lot of little guys, and 1 orange fella so i consider this a big win.. i also just enjoyed sitting outside and watching the sky, i should do that more often honestly. literally did nothing today! W

41:

its pride month! happy pride month. also one month closer til wwdits..dub OH MY FUCJING GOD I JUST GOT THE NEWS. YES. YES. YES. YES OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES YES IM LITERALLY CRYING IM BESIDE MYSELF WITH JOY AND EVTASY I CANT oh my god i cant wait until i have an ofmd countdown god is so fucking real best day of my life nobody understands my joy rn GOD im crying so hard incant i cant i cant i just cried so hard IM CRYING AGAIN it’s definitely been like an hour or something but i cant think. i cant feel. hello #BestDayEver

season 2 requests:

1) bearded stede. dgaf if rhys says he cant grow a beard hes lying

2) jim and jackie romantic interactions… i read the vico interview and when they said maybe jim will find someone else during their separation to olu…my mind went bonkers

3) mary gets many gfs and they are poly and in love. doug is also in the polycule

4) izzy, jim, lucius, ivan, frenchie, fang need to be BESTIES. BFFs4L. and izzy and lucius you already know i want them together idc

KITE VS RAINBOW CAPITALISM: RAINBOW CAPITALISM WON

40:

ANOTHER TEN DAYS DOWN!!!!!!! YEAHHHH soon there will be no time left.. what the hell! pride month really is off to a great start and im ecstatic.. still not over the sheer high of ofmd 2 announcement but it also makes me fear season 2s existence. BUT GOD I CANT WAIT UNTIL I HAVE ANOTHER COUNTDOWN entiled “Ofmd 2 countdown” its going to be glorious and im going to be fucking FERAL. FERALLL!!!!

39:

watching muppets treasure island and ofmd season 2 looks CRAZY… anyway im watching this because apparently black sails has prior reading and i was not watching some old movie or the novel so muppets treasure island it is. i also need to stop writing these entries early in the morning (it is 1:45 am) because it throws my rhythm off..in better news though its all been good, im going to the beach tomorrow oh fuck it just hit me im going to the beach at peak ofmd fixation..its going to be all i think about NEVERMIND ITS ONLY FRIDAY I THOUGHT IT WAS SATURDAY? not going to the beach tomorrow cause we leave sunday im an idiot

38:

god i cant wait to go to the beach i need it. no pirate bullshit but i need to be one with the sea its been over a year since ive been there gah…my mom keeps being weird about it but you will not ruin my fun beach adventures!! i will walk for miles in one direction listening to music or something or talking to myself without a care in the world because i am one with the oceanside. i will cry for no reason walking my dog and thinking wow. this is what stede wouldve wanted. i cant wait to spend the next 4 days pacing with the sand between my toes as i ponder season 2 and what explorations of heartbreak means for each character. i will cry

also im on episode 3 of black sails and this shit is DRAMA??? like ofmg i was not ready also what is the ofmd/muppets treasure island/black sails pipeline because ive seen multiple fans with muppets treasure island profile pictures and how did i manage to fall down the same fucking hole

37:

BEACH DAYY!!!!!!! i cannot wait til we get there holy fuck [ x ] <- pics here! i also went and updated the layout of this post so ideally its easier to look at i REALLY need to stop writing these at 1/2 am because whyd i wake up and learn we aren’t even going until wednesday and my mom isnt even sure we can get reservations..if i dont go to the beach ill die like actually ill perish

WAIIITTTT WWDITS TEASER DROPPED [ x ] oh my god?????? this is the most unhinged the show has ever been and i cant wait

36:

nobody told me black sails was gay…like super gay this is insane. everyone is bisexual and they were so real for that. anyway im very much enjoying watching because the drama is real

also wwdits poster..wow 2 days in a row theyve been giving us content also renewed for seasons 5 & 6?!?!? idk why i had it in my head that season 4 was going to be the end but YES wwdits is goijg with me to college W…also on that note its crazy to me that ofmd and the like arent going to be finished until im in college…wow…im getting old

35:

we are almost halfway through the wait! god damn the past 25 days have felt almost nonexistent but regardless… beach tmw!!!!! for real this time. and as i said i will be at peace. i always thought if they were real id be a mermaid. and ill probably reincarnate as a lobster or something of the like.. i am one with the sea

also ever since that article about taika being a failure or sellout or whatever (i didnt read the article) made the typo calling jemaine “jermaine” i have carried the torch. he is now jermaine clement to me

34:

beach day beach day beach day… i cant wait for this “getting-to-beach” arc to end because this has went on for far too long… anyway, im gonna finish black sails either today or tomorrow and wow! what an adventure. the worlds longest origin story. i have enjoyed every minute of it!

33:

i finished black sails! also here are those beach pictures i promised [ x ]. other than that this trip has so far been pretty uneventful (not saying it will ever be eventful) but i am enjoying the sea view

also rumor has it ofmd season 2 should be airing around june/july of next year which is so insanely far but also very close. its also going to be insane comfort for me after i graduate i can tell +£~£

32:

going on a bender of listening to old 90s alternative rock songs i havent heard since i was like 10. and i still know 97% of the lyrics to all of these songs… my music taste has come a long way really. hot take though i dont understand why people bend over backwards to defend bjorks racism because her music is not even that good?? what is the appeal here. let her go

31:

havent had much to say recently but today is my last day at the beach… but now we are for real for real close to reaching that halfway point… i am quite geeked if i do say so myself

30:

WE ARE OFFICIALLY HALFWAY THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHYHHHHHH BABY its been a long ass thirty days but im sure that its going to go by fast now? also because we seem to be getting a lot of random content (not just for wwdits but yk).. im quite ecstatic. i cant wait for my silly little tv show

later tonight i have a music listening event with my friend and i have to choose 5 albums for us to listen to and so far i have and otherwise i have zero idea

jyocho - the beautiful cycle of terminal

イツエ (itsue) - いくつもの絵 / many pictures

ABBA - voulez-vous

never mind apparently! it was supposed to start about 2 hours ago and im like 80% sure im getting stood up! oh well. i say oh well because im a bit used to it but also im fairly upset because i was really looking forward to thissss ahhhh

29:

getting stood up aside i think im sick AGAIN???? i think ive been sick like 50 times this entire countdown but also i have like 5 chronic illnesses and so it could be one of them. besides i feel bad but not too bad so ill live

i woke up with a super weird tender rash on the palm of my hand and???? what the hell. god is spiting me now that the countdown is on the downward path

28:

nah not sick but i was not feeling hot yesterday. im very excited though because my broccoli plants are looking very healthy after the trip (i was a bit worried theyd fucking die) but they are taking to the environment quite nicely. on the contrary i planted SIX cucumber plants and they are taking over my entire garden like a goddamn parasite. i dont even need tgat many cucumbers why did i plant six oh my god. also my onions should be harvestable soon… if youre wondering what all plants im growing: cucumbers broccoli red pepper onion spinach & carrots. very nature over here

also i am plugging flight of the conchords as one of my albums..! pay me jemaine

27:

DIDNT UPDATE AT ALL TODAY??? but omg my cucumbers were ready for harvest and theyre HUGE. i also started a worm bin today and i had to collect 2 worms on my own i hope they enjoy having sex and shitting for me but yeah. this is a beautiful thing. overall a great day i very much enjoy getting gritty in the garden

also fun sketchful.io night with my friend and now we have official plans to meet irl come january!!!!!! fat fucking double you

26:

do tumblr posts have a word limit…i feel like i mentioned this before but it comes more of a growing concern every single day. otherwise its a good day except me waking up to my dog having a seizure because i overslept my alarm for giving him his meds. in case you were wondering hes completely fine just a normal hiccup

also bios dont have a word limit either do they.. also layout change! i changed the color yesterday but today i moved the rant bio to be under the cut because i just cant part with it

25:

watched thor ragnarok so im officially up to date for love and thunder. i love korg no im not biased but also everyone who was like thor and bruce have serious couple energy are so right its such a shame he wont be in love and thunder. the “rom com” aspect with jane peter and bruce would be so hectic but also so good?!!? havent been hyped for a marvel movie since endgame im so excited

introducing a new conflict: me trying to watch fotc live in london without paying for hbo max. this has been an uphill battle and i signed up for the apple one free trial which gives me free apple tv and they said they had live in london on there BUT NO IT REDIRECTS YOU TO HULU AND HBOMAX. now you may be thinking “just sign up for hulu free trial” BUT HULU DOESNT HAVE IT EITHER WITHOUT YOU PAYING FOR THE HBO ADDON!!!! also i tried literally every pirating website i know and nothing. i feel like im fighting a goddamn war just to watch live in london idk

ok update: its currently 2:55 am and i found it on the pirate bay but obviously thats a torrenting thingy so tomorrow evening im going to relearn how to torrent so i can watch it. also last time i downloaded utorrent it absolutely wrecked my computer, managed to uninstall it but its still fucked up but oh well! anything for fotc

adding onto an already incredibly hectic log, i ended up not downloading it today because i didnt feel like getting out my laptop charger. it was one of those incredibly lazy days. but man if theres one thing this post is gonna do, its gonna make me realize how much of my summer i am spending RELAXING. its well deserved and this is my last high school summer so i should definitely waste the most i can because ill never get this again, but like.. come august the regret is gonna be reallllll….

24:

another day of completely forgetting to update this! im getting back into terraria and that has kept me mostly entertained all day. im so bad at it but i used to be cracked (kinda. i never got to hardmode cause flesh but)

to add, i have a 4 day streak going of eating toast late at night. the first 2 days it was tuna on this asiago cheese loaf and these past 2 days have been cinnamon butter on sourdough. very real

23:

days are flying by! wow. but my sleep schedule is so off it’s ridiculous. but today was even less eventful than yesterday, except i think im finally in my terraria groove and i even beat the eye of cthulhu + i wanna fight skeletron but like, i have no idea where his temple is and ive went so far in both directions

22:

i have whipped cthulhu’s ass thrice. he doesn’t even stand a chance! but i did attempt skeletron and got whooped so hard it’s ridiculous?? did they buff him since i last played like 5 years ago. also attempted the eater of worlds twice for some scales so i can make demonite equipment and CHRIST i keep having like sensory overload. also sorry for making three consecutive short posts where i exclusively talk about terraria but that is all im doing so we! will! have! to! deal!

also sometimes its so hard to tell if i wrote already. like i have no recollection of writing today but i think i did??? did i????

21:

21 days? THREE WEEKS?? three weeks ???? three weeks!!! i really am so excited. also i might be going to see lightyear soon with some of my friends who i haven’t seen in like 3/4 years! definitely not the most hype movie we couldve went to see but idc chris evans keke palmer and taika are all in there and thats all i care about. mm

I DREAMT ABOUT S2E1 of ofmd that they like released episode 1 early and it was so funny. i don’t remember much about it but stede and ed werent in the episode at all (but blackbeard was in the last like 15 minutes of an hour long episode, but i didnt even watch that part because of dream logic) and i don’t remember much at all but someone was in a white void with john silver. a completely different show. and they had to complete some kind of bullshit puzzle it was great the rest of the dream was mostly on the deserted island with the rest of the revenge and jim was there too but hell i dont know it was such a mess

also i never mentioned it but i watched guns akimbo like 2 days ago and jesus christ i haven’t recovered. the pacing never slows down and its balls like the movie is hot balls but it was so insane that like. i havent recovered

20:

TWENTY!!! FORTY DAYS DOWN WOWZA. that’s literally insane. its doggy bath day for me so im bathing the dog and he hates it but boo hoo stinky dog. maybe dont pee on yourself so often

also the plans are saturday!! i cant wait. and these are actually definitely go through so WWWWW

TRAILER DROP!!! WE GOT IT. POLYAMORY?!?! YES!! excited. thats all i can say

19:

time to get a little sad and vulnerable. got out of the house for the first time in awhile to go to my nana’s, she passed in late february and we’ve been working to sell the house and had a cleaning crew finish everything up before contracts were signed with realtors. and it was hella gutting seeing a home that has so many childhood memories emptied…or gutted i guess you could say, and today is the last day i’ll ever step foot in that house and it’s literally crazy. i dont regret not going up there as often as i could or anything but it is quite a sad conclusion to come to. it was a pretty productive day too, and im proud of myself! especially because ive been conscious about my productivity, motivation, and the like. so yay!

18:

i regret updating the tumblr app so bad..its so ugly now and theres so much to look at for what..i also woke up to some of the worst news imaginable for us americans, and like…idk

17:

yesterday was rough but i cant wait to see my bsfs so good vibes. great vibes even

it was fun!!!!!!!!!!! lightyear was..bad? it was very mid. but taika…so thats better. i gave it a 2/5 on letterboxd and the extra star was for taika so. but i feel so relieved i get to see them again because it really has been so long.. none of us have seen each other since we were 14!!!!!!!!! now we’re basically grown?!?!?

also ive been watching greys anatomy trying to catch up (for japril) and this show is so good but also extremely garbage… what do you mean deluca got stabbed in between episodes?? also these topical covid episodes are so tired and this is only episode 7 of a 20 episode season. if this whole season is covid themed ill kill myself because ive already heard the same spiel about feeling isolated and lonely and whatever. like yeah, everyone watching knows that, we all lived through the worst of it and have to deal with an unfinished aftermath. im so glad i waited to watch this because if at the high of the pandemic i tuned into this shit id be so over the show. but im attached to these characters and the neverending drama. im eating the tom and teddy stuff up!!!! i do want them to be together, i love tom and he deserves teddy. i quite like owen too and i feel bad for screwing him after he put in so much effort to make it work for teddy but thats exactly it. he shouldnt have to put up with her bs anymore (i like teddy too but girl)

16:

bored out of my mind.. so bored. thats all i can say today. bored.. i think im gonna force myself to start drawing again because i havent in months. i was in a bad burnout after art class so yk

15:

GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 15!!!!!!! but KORACICK AND JACKSON LEFTttttt…. you can understand my pain. obviously it was for a good cause but goddammit!!!!!! ill miss you tom.. gone but never forgotten

14:

its day 13 but i completely forgot to update. it skipped my mind completely. i can’t remember anything that happened yesterday but teo weeks!!!!! two weeks left

13:

day 14 was an absolute blunder on my part. i knew missing a day was bound to happen eventually but man. that shows just how uneventful my days have been. i redownloaded genshin and this game is so boring even though i have all the inazuma and chasm stuff to do…but i hit 698?k with childe ult and that. makes me happy! back when i was into the game i was on a road to 1 million and this gets me about 7/10 of the way through…. im not p2w too so

I DISNT EVEN SKIP DAY 14. IM SO CONFUSED RN. YESTERDAY WAS DAY 14. IT IS DAY 13. god im such an idiot but im not going ro backspace any of this… late night phone call watching sing 2 and i got my best friend to watch some ofmd with me!! we are up to episode 6 but he fell asleep and i am so tored. also rsd is so awful like i love this show to death and when he doesnt laugh at something i want to cackle at i feel like im being stabbed brutally in the stomach? pretty sure hes enjoying it though. i feel glee! but the best part comes when i get to talk about every interview ive read, the story of how rhys was casted, because ive already had the honor of sharing tidbits like izzy canonically being the one who put the bows in eds beard in e5, and rhys taking sailing lessons while taika couldnt even read blackbeards wikia page… autism won today.

sing 2 was also an absolute blast, my friend asked if the little koala dude was voiced by the “guy who plays eddie from ofmd.” i was deeply confused, turns out he affectionately named stede ‘eddie,’ and no rhys does not voice buster moon. matthew mcconaughey does and he isnt even kiwi……. also i am like a rhys detector because that man is the voice of my conscious. it was a really great movie tho, like bono was in there and ??????? i love the sing franchise

12:

HAPPY JULY!!!!!!!! we are so close now. 1 week until thor, 12 days until wwdits, 4 months until greys anatomy, and about 1 year until omfd. its like everything is happening soon! also maybe i should stop thinking about time passing in my life relative to media i enjoy… but also it makes me happy. i watched boy (the taika movie) and that was another banger. taikas best talent isnt directing its finding insanely talented kids. boy is tonally similar to hunt for the wilderpeople but personally it lacks something in comparison? if i had to guess its because wilderpeople builds on family dynamics in a positive light while boy explores parental idolization and its wayyy too relatable at some points. its still a great film though 4.5/10 on letterboxd

11:

I think i counted the days wrong…? and now im weirdly confused and scared because it’s currently the 2nd and this is day..11? meaning this will end on the 13th as opposed to the 12th. this is so fucking scuffed and im not gonna edit anything i just have to live with my mistakes. maybe i really did miss day 14 though. im so confused?????? what happened. what went wrong.

anyway WE FINISHED OFMD TOGETHER!!!! he is not an izzy fan and im glad. hes also a jim/olu supremacist which like…yeah so true? now i just need to get him to watch wwdits and everything will be solved in the world probably

10:

TEN DAYS!!!!! (actually 9.) or maybe this is accurate but it goes to like 12:00 am july 13 which doesnt really count

anyway 5 am thoughts: been thinking about boy again and its growing very fond in my mind. i think letting the ending sit with me was for the better and i love this movie a lot more now (and i already loved it lots.) how cute

watched mysterious skin and damn. in life youre either a neil or a brian and i am a brian so hard. nothing really remarkable to say today

I DIDNT EVEN FUCK UP THE TIMING… the issue is that i always update this at like 5 am the next day and it throws everything off for me.. otherwise its the fourth of july i guess? nobody really celebrates this holiday anyway. its an excuse to grill and set off illegal fireworks and nobosy is thinking about the revolutionary war… also a bit of a rough time sociopolitically in the usa rn so. extra bunk holiday… i fixed up these star leds that have just been hanging on my wall for like 2 years and it added so much ambiance i love how my room looks now! its great

forgot to update again except this time 2 days in a row hahahahahahahaha i was writing out the july fourth thing yesterday but got distracted and it never saved. i pulled itto today though!!!!!!’ im so happy but rest in peace to the next banner because im definitely not getting whatever character is on it. genshin is occupying my brain again and i dont like the inazuma lore but the characters have grown on me (mainly people i can associate with ayaka because shes one of my favorite characters all time) but others still have the personality of like a wet rag (cough raiden yae kokomi and gorou) IF YOUR FAV IS ON THAT LIST, FIGHT ME! id like to be proven wrong honestly! i want to like the characters! otherwise ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK! YEAH YEAHHH

thor tmw!!!!! yeahhhhhhhh

that being all i wrote today tells so much. burn out isnt really the word because that seems like a real big overestimate but i am a bit exhausted of updating this, especially when i have to rack my brain for things to write? and i feel like im letting myself and others (despite me talking to a brick wall with this post basically) by not providing any interesting content in here. like that span of me playing terraria. how boring. and recently it’s been similarly dull. but luckily we’re coming to a quick end to this timeline with only a big 6 days left!

its also a real struggle to scroll all the way down. thor today! thor soon. 2 hours until thor! yay. but also woke up to some terrible news that my dog *COULD* have cancer, we wont know really for another 2 weeks and then we wont know for certain until after a biopsy. sucks like shit though, that dog is like a brother to me. but…thor! thor is getting me through this

ITS SO GOOD. and say what you want taika did put gay sex in the marvel movie. korgdwayne forever. i cant even begin to comprehend how much i enjoyed that like tis so real. i am biased i am. but also i dont care what cishet people have to say about this movie. the queer rep was there and frankly its all i ever wanted/ask for

OOPSIE DAISIE FORGOT TO UPDATE AGAIN. yesterday was fun. thor is my whole brain rn. thats all

3 days left is so crazy. like this has been 58 days of sheer insanity and its coming to a close.

late night/early morning thoughts: im in such a prison built by internalized ableism and i know unmasking is possible but i never see myself able to escape this endless fucking nightmare. i want to be unashamed about all my autistic traits but its unbelievably difficult.. and so many people who i love and who love me don’t really know me even if they talk to me every single day because i barely know myself because of how far buried he is. and so thats another thing ill have to deal with

talking about anything is so difficult for me to do. crossing the barrier of mentioning anything im watching or reading is like climbing mount everest especially to people i havent known basically my entire life and its so awful? i wish it wasnt such a struggle to be. even when im not talking and if im just thinking about a hf/si i feel so awful and like im failing and i cant take much more of this. any of it, the shame, the self deprecation, anything

SAW TOP GUN MAVERICK FINALLY!! im so glad i got to see it during the countdown its definitely part of the character arc ive went on throughout this post. what a tonal shift from yesterday also but wow only 2 days left! ive seen so many movies now… all i think of is movies anymore…. but its been a really good span of days recently i feel like summer is finally looking up! and soon wwdits is gonna be back with us like wow!!!! so much to look forward to im very excited. im always fucking excited for anything and everything. woo!!!

what can i say that hasnt already been said, what a fuckin journey this has been and its soon gonna come to fruition. and also what a better way to send this off than I AM SICK AGAIN. thats the spirit of the countdown really. today is a chill day and tomorrow im gonna rewatch the 2014 movie for vibe reasons but like. im so happy and proud. wooooooo!!!!!

also i love walking around the house and hearing ra ra rasputin blaring loud on the tv cause the wwdits trailer. it makes me happy but im also remindes like oh shit this show is on cable tv. weird feeling? havent watched a show on cable in so long

ITS OVER. THE WAIT IS OVER! i said most of the “sappy” shit yesterday but now its all official. im not gonna keep this going in between weekly episodes as a cheap way to keep this going. its over today. TODAY! gonna rewatch the movie in a bit probably just to get in a really vampiric mood but also the moon is full tonight iirc? what a coincidence (probably)

Well folks. thats the end there! just watched episode 3 so its exactly a week after this countdown so i think its a better time to write the conclusion, because its weird that it just cuts off. but there isnt a conclusion cause i already wrote it on days 1 & 0. see you next year when ofmd s2 is announced!

#kstposts #countdown #slowly melting…into a pile of melted me #aka: kite keeps a 60 day diary

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emilietheharpy · 5 months

Note

Hello! Good morning my dear Christmas friend (you don't mind me calling you that?). I am a Queen fan too, I really love them very much since I was a teenager and I think Freddie is the greatest artist ever! I saw that you are very much into Owl House, I don't know it at all, and I'm curious about it. Would you like to tell me about it? And I saw that you are a very good artist, wow! I write and I think art is really a savior. What do you think about it?

To answer you i dont mind you calling me your christmas friend its so cute ! I like that 🥰,freddie is probably the most great artist i know some was great too but no one can beat our dear freddie he always be a legend no matter what.Concerning owl house i dont know how to explain but if you like show that included a lot of open minded themed its great for that to explain you more,its about luz a human that fall in a portal and fall in the boiling isles demon realm where all kind of witches and demon live with an emperor that control them if i can said just said that luz was like a lot of people weird,kind of nerd,love reading and so much more seriously i cant really tell you all this show at a lot to tell and its better if you watch it to understand more let me tell you that its only 3 seasons but its just perfect ! Just try to watch it if you can 🙂 and if you do it give me your impression. So you write ? Its great i love read ! When i know you let me tell you im going to read your writing when i had time if you let me friend ! For art its true its really savior,to be honest with in the past i was what we call a weirdo a nerd someone that people dont want to be friend with and i was bullied for that what help me during all this years was for first to draw and paint to express myself in other way and play drum ! Yeah im a drummer and i love play when i can no matter actually that i dont had a drum anymore and need to buy a new one but yes to answer you art is really savior in all form possible writing,painting,drawing,playing music and so much more its the best way to express yourself without being judging so no matter what never stop your art dear 😊 thanks for this lovely ask christmas friend i hope you had a great day take care of yourself and keep in mind that you are amazing the way you are darling and if you had a bad here a lil queen meme to made you smile 🙂

#srs23

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foursdarkdays · 6 months

Text

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

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