#and its like: u dont understand. im trapped in a box and i cant buy things

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#money is weird #i feel like most ppl make money to live functional lives and then have/do nice things with the extra #but i feel like i orient my life around school and learning and it just so happens that i get paid to do that #so i pay for my functional life but the doing/having nice things is inconceivable #like i dont kno how to do that. i open up my band account and it makes me feel sick #which is bizarre bc i grew up comfortable middle class #never had to worry abt money but i spend like im on my last dollar and its super stressful #like i planned to get my sisters cool presents for Christmas but my brain wont let me #which makes me feel horrible bc it makes it seem like i dont care and i know they're gonna tear me apart for it when i go back home #and its like im sorry. i dont kno why im like this or why this happens but i wish it didn't #and like everytime i talk abt it ppl r like: oh wow good on u for being good with ur money #and its like: u dont understand. im trapped in a box and i cant buy things #ive needed disinfectant whipes for literal months to clean my counters and i finally finally managed to make that happen #it fucking sucks and its upsetting #but sure yeah im good with money. fine lets never talk abt this again #so frustrating. i want to buy a new bathing suit so i dont have to wear a tank top when i go home but looks like thats not gonna happen #either. but thats partially bc my brain wont let me drive either so whatever #sigh... i just hear my sisters voice in my head: y r u so weird??? #ugh fuck off my stupid brain is so restrictive its impossible to function properly #lol im spiraling bc when i go home im transitioning to my other sisters old phone bc she's getting a new one #and she bought a $23 phone case on my behalf bc it was on sale #i just dont like change and im terrified of having nice things ans spending money #unrelated