#and ive loved reading through your thoughts and theories now that ive caught up

[juceynightmare]

pink carnations part 4 - cody rhodes x reader

my masterlist

pink carnations masterlist

pairing(s): cody rhodes x reader, cody rhodes x brandi rhodes, austin theory x reader

warning(s): hanahaki, implied smut, swearing, cheating, mentions of major character death

genre(s): heavy angst, fluff

<< previous part || next part >>

“glad to see you’re awake, ms. l/n.” the doctor began. cody leaned away from your bed, quickly pocketing the rose petal he had taken from y/n. cody, austin, and y/n all turned their gazes towards the doctor. “i do, however, have some news for you. whether you take it as good news or bad news is up to you.” the doctor continues, flipping through the papers that they held in the clipboard. all three physically tensed at the tone of the doctor’s words: expecting the worse to come next, although y/n held little hope in her gaze.

“we had to go through and ‘trim’ the plant growing in your lungs to give you a chance of living. of course, we did not remove the entire plant as we would need your explicit permission to do that, but we did what we could to at least keep you living for another month or so: depending on how rapid the flowers continue to grow.” the doctor explained, essentially killing y/n’s hopes that the reason she had coughed up a petal instead of a flower were because cody loves her. how could she have been so foolish to even think that was a possibility? y/n physically deflated in the hospital bed, sinking further into the mattress. austin looed over at her, clearly catching the woman’s sudden deflated hope. he caught it even before cody did, allowing him to react first.

austin reached for y/n’s hand, taking it in his and lacing their fingers together. the doctor glanced over at their intertwined hands, deciding against asking if y/n knew who was the cause of the flowers: it was obvious after he soon caught the other man in the room also staring down at the intertwined hands. y/n squeezed austin’s hand, meeting his gaze and feeling at ease with the reassuring smile he gave her and completely missing the way cody deflated in his own seat.

“with that being said, we will be giving you at most a week to tell us if you’d like to go through with the surgery or not. i’m sure you’re well aware of the outcome if you choose not to have the surgery, although i cannot make that decision for you. please call the facility as soon as you make that decision.” the doctor said, as they wrote down something on a piece of paper, taking it out afterwards. the doctor handed the paper over to austin, who held it out for y/n to read. “that’s a prescription for some basic medications to treat hanahaki. it’s used to reduce the pain you feel as well as to limit the growth rate of the flowers to turn your coughing fits more manageable. and here’s a doctor’s note to hand to your employer. according to your records, you work as a professional wrestler, correct?” the doctor questioned, looking up at y/n.

y/n looked away from the prescription, meeting the doctor’s gaze. she nodded at his question, not trusting her words in fear that she may say something else. she would have to give up wrestling, she knew that now. y/n could get the surgery and continue wrestling, but that’d also mean forgetting how it felt to love cody. how it felt to be in his arms. how exhiliterating his kisses were and how he seemed to set her skin on fire with every touch.

the doctor handed over the other piece of paper to austin, capping the pen bringing the clipboard down to their side. “i’ll have a nurse come in and take out your iv and you’ll be free to go after you pick up your medicine in the pharmacy. i also wrote down my number on the doctor’s note for you to call when you’ve made your decision on your surgery. take care, ms. l/n.” the doctor left the room not too long after saying their goodbye.

the three sat in the room, air dense and y/n seemingly lost in thought. cody was focused on the way austin held y/n’s hand and rubbed circles into the back of her hand with his thumb, swallowing back what he could only identify as jealousy at the sight. austin was staring at cody, almost seemingly challenging the man to try and do something about the situation. and y/n.. y/n was simply watching the testosterone battle in humor, even more so when cody finally looked up to meet austin’s stare.

there was no way she was getting the surgery. not when she knew how precious it was to be able to fall in love, and knowing that after getting the surgery, she may not be able to even know what the feeling of falling in love is.

it was odd how easy it was for her to come to terms with the fact that she was going to die, and soon. she had began to reminisce on the good times with cody, so much so that she hadn’t realized that the nurse had already come in and taken out y/n’s iv and handed her back her clothes.

cody and austin stood up, cody reaching for y/n’s clothes and holding it out for her to take. “we’ll be outside when you’re ready.” cody told her, seemingly easing up after austin had let go of her hand. the two men left the room, y/n getting out of the hospital bed and changing back into her clothes. she double checked that she had all of her belongings before walking towards the door. when she opened it and stepped out, she caught sight of the two men facing each other and grumbling as if they were arguing lowly amongst themselves - which of course they were. about what, y/n wouldn’t know.

“alright you two, knock it off. i was already suffocating in there with all the testosterone you were both emitting, dont subject everyone else to it.” she mused, watching the two men turn to look at her with sheepish gazes. y/n walked over to them, standing between them and linking her arms with their own. “now, let’s go get my meds and get out of here! you heard the doctor, if i have a month to live then we’re sure as hell not wasting any time!” y/n pulled the two men behind her, missing the way they stared at the back of her head with sad eyes.

that was almost a week ago, in fact, it would be a week officially as soon as tomorrow hits. y/n was still set on her decision to not get the surgery, the doctor’s number already saved in her contacts to let them know that she would not be getting the surgery. however, the fact that she decided to wait the full week before making her final decision was proof of her doubts at her own decision.

not much had changed since she got discharged, besides the fact that austin was often around her now. if cody wasn’t with her, then austin was. and even if cody was with her, austin was usually there. the man had become another friend to y/n, and an enemy of sorts to cody as the two would always butt heads trying to retain y/n’s attention.

stephanie was extremely kind to y/n, allowing her to stick around backstage as per her request although she wouldn’t be allowed to wrestle. of course to not become a dead weight backstage, y/n had taken up a light job of doing the other women’s makeup. that much she could manage, of course.

whenever she coughed up flowers, they hurt less. everything was going smoothly for y/n, and she actually believes that she may make it to over a month before her body gives out on her. although y/n recalls the doctor mentioning that the medicine would slow down the rate at which the flowers grew, y/n had no idea that they would grow so impossibly slow that she was still coughing up a multitude of petals rather than entire flowers like how she was previously.

but perhaps, that’s because of a certain someone.

cody took every moment he could to remind y/n that he loves her. so much so that y/n had began to feel guilty with every repetition of the phrase knowing that brandi was waiting at home for cody and still, very much, pregnant. his touch had lingered on her longer whenever he hugged her, guided her through a crowd, or even when the two would sit next to each other and he’d rest his hand on her thigh. y/n felt even more guilty when she would lean into his touch, blush whenever his kiss on her forehead would travel down to her cheek and increasingly travel dangerously close to her lips.

cody had also taken it upon himself to room with y/n when they would travel to a different city for the night, the two sleeping in different beds but staying up cuddled up together in one bed to talk about the day. and that’s exactly what the two were doing currently.

y/n and cody laid in the hotel bed, still wearing their clothes from that day and watching whatever youtube video she had pulled up on her laptop. she knew cody had a tiring day, especially after wrestling a dark match against austin where the two seemingly wanted to turn it into a real brawl.

y/n had her head and hand rested on cody’s chest, and cody had his armed wrapped around y/n. the laptop was set upon cody’s midsection, offering the two a good viewing angle of the video. eventually, cody reached out to pause the video which earned him a confused look from the woman currently cuddled into his chest.

his heart yearned for y/n, although the guilt eating away at him for cheating on brandi left him with a throbbing headache every night. but even so, y/n had made it obvious she was not going to get the surgery, and cody allowed himself to be selfish.

but above all humanly desires, he wants her to live.

“you should call the doc tomorrow and tell them you want the surgery.” he told her, hating how fast she sat herself up and the warmth of her left him.

y/n turned her body to face cody, sighing before letting herself fall back down to her space beside him. “i don’t want to, you know that cody.”

“but why?” he questioned, closing the laptop and setting it off to his side. he turned over on his side to face her, sinking down further so they could be eye-to-eye on the mattress.

y/n closed her eyes as soon as cody peered into her gaze, unable to look the man in the eyes. “because i don’t want to forget what it’s like to fall in love. i know a guy who went through the surgery, cody. and he doesn’t even know if he’ll ever know the feeling of being in love again! and, and i don’t want to forget what it’s like to be in love with.. you.” she admitted.

two humans sharing the same bed, their bodies innocently intertwined and their hearts beating together in time, but their fates not being alligned. how cruel love can be, cody mused to himself, as he reached up to cup her face in his hands. he watched as she opened her eyes to look at him, those beautiful eyes that cody wishes he could wake up to every morning for the rest of his life.

“but you didn’t know you’d fall in love with me either, but i caught you.” he reminded her, using his thumb to brush her cheek. cody brought their faces closer together, resting his forehead against hers. “how will you know if you’ll know the feeling of falling in love if you don’t even try afterwards? i want you to live, y/n. live and continue loving in a way only you know how to love other people.” cody whispered, not missing the way y/n’s face felt warmer under his palm.

“if there’s anyone who deserves to be in love and to be loved in this world, it’s you y/n. you shouldn’t let the possibility of not falling in love again even let you second guess yourself. because i know you will. after all,” cody paused, pulling away so he could see y/n’s face in his hands. “it’s you who left a y/n shaped hole in my heart which only you could fill. this surgery will save your life for certain, and afterwards, if the universe allows us, i hope your heart returns back to me. everything’s complicated right now but it’ll all work itself out in time. but if you don’t get that surgery, time won’t be on our side. it’s just whether or not you want to take that risk, y/n.”

in this moment, it was just cody and y/n. no one else mattered, just the way the two held each others gaze with so many unsaid phrases and emotions that ran deeper than words can go. they weren’t wwe superstars in that moment, but two hopeful wrestlers only wishing for a better future where the both of them could be happy.

“cody, i don’t know what to say.” y/n whispered, feeling the way her heart felt as if it were about to jump out of her chest, and the way it suddenly felt so easy to breathe as if the flowers in her lungs were no longer there. her head was spinning, his touch on her face lit her ablaze, and their proximity was only tempting y/n to press their bodies further together.

“then don’t say anything, y/n.” cody answered quickly. “just live.” he continued, before leaning in and pressing his lips against hers gently.

oh. she thought as she closed her eyes and melted into the kiss. that’s right, how could she ever forget this feeling. the way her body was lit ablaze by his touch, the way it felt as if there were little sparks being lit in her brain as she kissed him. and as for cody, cody could feel every part of him react when she kissed him back. it was as if a shock of electricity was suddenly shot down through his nerves in the best way possible. he pulled away, not trusting his own instincts to continue to let him get lost in her, not without her permission of course.

“cody, i love you.” she breathed out once he pulled away, opening her eyes to stare into his own. it was as if y/n had reached in and flipped a switch in cody’s mind in that moment. he brought his hand down from her face, pressing it against her shoulder and rolling her over on to her back. cody moved on top of her, using his knees to part her legs and positioning himself between them. his arms were set on either side of her head, and his gaze turned hungry at the little gasp she let out once he pressed his hips against her own.

“i love you, y/n.” cody whispered, fighting back the urge to lean down and kiss her. the two were close to the point of no return, the tension between them being so thick that it made the two of them light-headed.

y/n reached up, wrapping her arms around cody’s neck and wrapping her legs around his waist, earning a warning look from cody. “what about brandi?” y/n whispered, her voice shaky with worry and guilt.

he closed his eyes shut at her question, something like bile creeping up his throat. what about brandi? he questioned himself. cody was certain he was still in love with y/n, but his marriage with brandi who was pregnant with his child only made their entire situation complicated. he wouldn’t even be shocked if brandi had contracted hanahaki either, knowing that he is hopelessly in love with y/n and always has been but potentially realized too late.

“forget about brandi. i told you, everything will work out with time, i promise.” cody whispered, opening his eyes to meet y/n’s worried gaze. “i’m just worried that i realized too late to save you, with the deadline for your surgery being so close. but i have enough trust in our love that after your surgery, i’ll be able to make you fall for me all over again, and this time i’ll still be there to catch you.”

y/n tightened her grip around cody, effectively pulling cody closer down to her. “cody, can you show me how much i should trust in your love?” she whispered, to which cody answered by pressing his lips against hers. she gasped as cody rolled his hips down on to hers, allowing cody to deepen the kiss.

cody ate up her moans as the two got lost in each other, a chorus of “i love you.” filling up the room as the two lovers consummated their love after so many years of dancing around each other.

y/n was first to wake up that morning, her head rising and falling with every breath cody took. she looked up at her lover, smiling to herself before leaning up and pressing a soft kiss to his lips so she didn’t wake cody. she then rolled over on her side and reached for her phone that rested on the bedside table.

|| next part >>

#cody rhodes x reader #cody rhodes #wwe x reader #wwe #wwe fanfiction #wwe fanfic #austin theory x reader #austin theory imagine #austin theory fanfiction #austin theory

[gunkreads]

Phew. Finished The Tyrant Baru Cormorant; now finally caught up on Masquerade. Took me fuckin' long enough.

For a summary of my thoughts, I'd like you to imagine a wee little squeal of sadomasochistic glee sounding from my chair every page or two, slowly building in to a combination of wails and shrieks, no less sadomasochistic or gleeful than the squeals that preceded them.

Seth Dickinson writes the type of story that I want put into the IV bags in the hospital when I finally get hit by a car hard enough to send me into a proper coma. I love being forced to cry. I love having to close the book over my thumb because I can't bear to read another word , then having to open it right back up because what's the point of this character suffering like that if I don't see them through to the end?

Dickinson writes the type of story that makes me not give a dribble of a shit whether it gets finished properly. There's a divide of public opinion that seems to believe a story that may never be finished is worth less than one that is or will be. I do not care if Baru 4 is ever released. I want it very badly, but if this is the last I ever hear of this story, that's fine. It's done enough. I'll admit I feel this way about a lot of stories, but I think it's worth mentioning here because this really is a story that's complete enough within itself to stand on its own at any of its climaxes.

Spoilers below the cut.

Bad out of the way first: there was a very obvious issue with the split between Monster and Tyrant; I later found that they were originally one book and really wish they would've either 1: stayed that way or 2: been split around 100-150 pages into Tyrant, some time during the Kyprananoke climax. So that's one very minor bad thing.

Second bad thing was... not so much "bad" as a slightly off-putting thing I've noticed and theory I've been working on. Depending on your level of cynicism about publishing, you'd describe it as either "authors breaking out of their shell" or "editors/publishers easing up on the reins". Around the second or third books of several series I've read, the author's voice begins to shine through a lot more potently. I don't wanna dive too deep into my background on this theory, but that definitely happens in Tyrant. You start to see Dickinson use slightly more modern twists of language, have characters crack a few more out-of-tone jokes, and other small things like that. It's nothing particularly intrusive, but it did bring me a bit out of the story.

One thing that probably turns some people off the series, especially toward the middle of Monster, is the way it presents economics as a kind of absolute power over the world. I'd agree that it's a somewhat limiting authorial choice in some ways--as much as you can call "falling short of portraying the full spectrum of society" limiting--but I, personally, adored the way Dickinson used Baru's single-minded belief in economics as the sole solution to the world's problems as a foreground for all the other philosophies he presented. What's the difference between economics and trim? Plenty, but less than you think, so he puts Baru--the world's best-ish economist--and Tau-indi--the world's best good person--in a room together a bunch and makes them ask each other every question except "What's the difference between economics and trim?"

This is one of my favorite things in storytelling: to answer a question by painting a silhouette of different answers around it. Answer every question except the one you're asking and the reader will see it clearly enough to answer for themselves. Dickinson does it really, really fucking well.

Also yeah. Tau-indi Bosoka. What a great character. Operates on a truly higher level of insanity than any other character in the series while still keeping their feet so firmly on the ground you're amazed they can pick them up to walk.

Another thing I really adore, and this is a smaller one, is demonstrating conclusions to the reader via the actual physical medium of a book, not just the words. There's one place toward the end of Tyrant where this happens: the reveal that Aminata is Kindalana's daughter, where they jump-cut from "Kindalana has a daughter with Farrier!" to "Hey, where's Aminata?" (or something, can't recall the exact scene) on the very next page. The two scenes take place far out of earshot of each other, but they're juxtaposed like conjoined twins to the reader. This is the type of thing that can either pass straight over your head or hit you like a cement truck, with very little in between. It's my personal stance that this counts as an outright textual statement, not just implication, but that's a whole other haterific can o' worms I'll leave unpoured for now.

There are a couple things to be said about the Cancrioth, but I think the one that's most important to me is that they never lost their mystical properties. They never stopped being properly arcane. I really liked that. It's very easy to write a revealed secret as a thing that becomes mundane; the Cancrioth couldn't have ever been that way because they're an immortal cult. Not everyone there is an onkos, so all the non-onkos aboard need to believe in the magic. For them all to believe, the magic has to be pretty rad!

Sorry, I wrote this whole post just for that joke. Anyway.

In another way, the Cancrioth did start to bore me toward the end. I was kind of sick of their shit, for lack of a more complete thought. I had the same difficulty deciphering the Brain's motives as Barhu did and... honestly, it got a little bit tiring. Changing the trajectory of an immovable object is obviously a very hard thing to do, and it obviously takes a very long time, but man is it kind of exhausting to read it play out in real-time.

Tain Shir is great. She speaks for herself (lol) as an element of the narrative. Good shit, no notes. There's actually nothing to be said here besides saying "Hey, Seth, your character rocks ass." She fills a trope I enjoy a lot: flesh made force-of-nature.

Aminata is an excellently insane character. I like how her perspective gave so much weight to the relative worldliness of other characters. She doesn't know dick about shit the whole time and it makes it much clearer to the reader how much everyone else should know. Also she's just... fantastically nuts.

Kyprananoke as a whole Fucking Thing was a little oddly drawn-out. Chekov's Tsunami was a little too heavy-handed for me. Not the tsunami itself, but its introduction--there's no way to introduce something like that without forcing the reader to lean back and go "Well, this place is fucked. What's next?" It kind of mangled the pacing of that whole sequence for me. I think that's more an issue with my own preferences as a reader, though, because all in all it's just another way to structure a release of tension.

I was pleasantly surprised at Dickinson's handling of gender issues. I'm not going to tell you whether he does a good or bad job; I'm going to tell you he does a thorough job. He paints a very interesting picture of the history of gender relations in various societies, how those have clashed over time, and their impacts on main characters. Aminata has probably the simplest relationship with gender and sex of them all, but she's also the character with the narrowest range of information about the world. I think your mileage will vary greatly here and it'll depend a lot on your existing stances on gender politics.

All in all, this is already one of my favorite series. I think rereading it would kill me and I think I'll eventually do it anyway.

#the masquerade

[starrspice]

For your Runaway Bride AU, it seems pretty obvious that Sun & Moon will fall completely in love with reader and reader will fall in love with them.

Especially seeing how speechless both Sun & Moon were in seeing how gorgeous they thought reader is, even though she was crying, hurt and in a torn up dress. The setup made it almost seem like “it was love at first sight for them” which, to me, helped made it seem like a big factor in why they wanted to help protect reader and be okay with marrying her immediately (even though they were most likely already programmed to just be nice in general). A quick setting of them first becoming acquaintances to growing into friends to become real lovers sort of situation and honestly I’m just eating ALL that up.

But I do wonder in who will fall in love first of the three? (Honestly, I think it will be tie between Sun or Moon first; but it would funny if it was actually reader who fell first for a change.) Will William try to do something horrible to Sun & Moon; or threaten them or their shop to get them to divorce reader? Or will he try to threaten reader to void her married to Sun & Moon just so he can try to force her to marry him instead? (Knowing how much everyone hates Afton in the fandom I wouldn’t put it pass him to try and go dirty to try to get what he wants. But then again, he just sounds like a big annoy jerk of a CEO then a mob boss honestly.) Will the “Afton virus” be part of this AU or (hopefully) not?

*Le gasped!* Will her MOTHER find her and try to force her to void her marriage to Sun & Moon or will she actually apologize for the pain and misery she put her daughter through for greed?

As stated before I’m just EATING this AU up! 😏🥰

Ooooo i Love the attention to detail you've caught onto there!!! (You've definitely caught on to some intentional details)

I should Say, Sun and Moon don't really care too much about looks. Theyre strong believers in don't judge a book by its cover. But they're very good at reading the kind of energy people give off. Yknow how you can just tell someone is snooty, or really nice just by the way they carry themselves? It certainly started as a form of pity for someone clearly in distress, but I'd say after y/n came out of hiding and immediately tried to help clean up the mess, thats when Sun and Moon REALLY got a read for who they are, and it struck them in a way neither expected.

And all the theories are an absolute TREAT to read!!!! Im eating up your theories like candy after halloween!!!

Funny enough there IS an answer to who falls in love first (or at least who REALIZES They're in love first). I could even tell you the exact MOMENT they realize it

Ive got this fic all planned out but it might be a smidge longer than i expected!!! Its still kind of on the backburner to my amnesia moon fic but that doesnt mean i wont be writing and uploading new chapters here and there!!!

As for William oh he certainly won't be haply when he finds out his bride who jilted him is now supposedly marrying two baker bots. Made from his own company no less. He certainly won't take that lying down. As for the Afton virus, that will not be an element of this fic (but will be of heavy focus in another future fic of mine)

And Y/N's Mom will be returning in the story, but a bit later on...

#ask starr #ask box #fnaf sb #runaway bride #runaway bride au #runaway au #runaway #jilted #jilted at the altar #jilted fic #runaway bride fic #moondrop #sundrop #fnaf sun #fnaf security breach #fnaf moon #fnaf sundrop #fnaf moondrop

[fullmetal-generation]

This is a post about me liking Invisible Victory

HHHNNNNNNNNNNN

BUT WHAT GETS ME AT THE END is just that one stupid bandaid, the one Sousuke’s got over the corner of his mouth on the left. It’s from where he bit his lip in frustration after Leonard took Kaname. I have a lot of emotions about it. I also have a lot of emotions about Leonard and most of them are bad haha… (he’s such a spiteful little son of a bitch).

I’m not really treading any new ground here. I do think IV is a good adaptation. I liked that Sousuke didn’t have to taser Kaname to keep her KO’d and out of the way, but I really wished they’d kept the last thing she says to him before leaving. What did she say thought? No one knows, so I think it would have been kind of a cool scene animated but with no voice acting (if I remember correctly, Sousuke actually passed out after that in the novel, whoops). (My headcanon is that she said “go/live” like his mom did in Voice from the North.)

Actually now that I’ve sat on it, while I feel like Kaname’s general despair in the novel was probably more realistic, her clinging to just the barest shred of optimism & helping Sousuke in the anime set up for it to be even more painful when it didn’t work. Surprise! You two gave it your all and you STILL didn’t make it! No matter how hard they pushed, they weren’t escaping alive together. It’s one of those moments where I think the anime adapted the core emotion and theme of a scene even when they wrote it differently than in the novels.

ANOTHER thing I just thought of is that both of them surrendering isn’t a possibility, either. Not that either of them considered it. I don’t think Leonard would ever accept Sousuke, even if Sousuke stood there and said “You’re right and every point you make is true, let me join you.” Although that would be... kind of hilarious... likely outcomes are Leonard fake-accepting this and then just kind of passively sending Sousuke on some other mission far away to go die so he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty. Or maybe he’d have second thoughts and seriously consider it! Hmmm this is a theory for another post I think.

Finally, my last tracked on complaint about this episode is that the scene with Ono-D at the end doesn’t have as much kick to it if you haven’t seen Fumoffu, and even then, I feel like you probably have to read the novels (including the short stories) to get the full effect of how shocking it is that Ono-D of all people is chucking school supplies at Sousuke and threatening to punch his lights out.

I actually don’t have any real complaints about Burning One Man Force’s adaptation. I liked that they toned down the times where Nami was caught and threatened with sexual violence; that might technically be more realistic, but it was nice NOT to see it. I was kinda sad that they cut out Sousuke’s original excuse for wanting to participate in the illegal battles (he wanted $$$ to buy his prostitute girlfriend’s freedom, he said—anime has been known to cut lines like that out in general and FMP has done it a few times). I know him dragging himself behind cover to shoot Kurama in the stadium fight was more realistic… but I like that he climbed the damn ladder to do it in the anime. That was badass, Sousuke had an entire hole through his gut and he climbed the damn ladder for a surprise attack and then bled out on the floor hallucinating his girlfriend after memorizing the names of three Mexican cities. Love that for him :’ )

#mod az post #fmp anime #fmp invisible victory #Sagara sousuke #and on second thought #chidori kaname #leonard testarossa #more on that later i guess!

[under-and-over-the-moon]

Hunger VII | Hyunjin

*Please read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, and Part VI before the below for context*

pairing: Hyunjin x Reader

word count: 10.8k

genre: fantasy!au, historical!au, soulmate!au, forbidden love, smut, fluff, angst

warnings: smut! (so if you are under 18 please do not read), face-sitting, face-riding, unprotected sex, praise kink, Hyunjin might also have a pregnancy kink, some vague d/s dynamics if you squint, mutual masturbation, fingering, insecurity and self-doubt, angst, some vague references to the pull out method being legit birth control (it is not!), discussion of serious illness, discussion of loss of vision, mentions of pregnancy, discussion of some wack parenting, discussions of gaslighting (but not between our main couple, don’t worry!), some language

Note: All characters are adults

A/N: Hyunjin finally getting that good good, I’m happy for him I didn’t plan on him having a praise kink but here we are 

Comments, questions, and theories are always appreciated! 😊

~~~

You rubbed your eyes, clearing the sleep from your vision as you struggled to adjust to the new darkness. The tent was thick with it – there was no lamp lit, so the only illumination came from the moonlight, faintly permeating through the hides of the walls, casting everything in a weak glow. It just barely outlined the crests of the thick blankets on top of you, rising and falling like snow-covered mountains, and turned the wood of the supports a deep, rich blue. The air was cool against your cheeks, but your body itself was warm, weighed down by many layers of roughly-spun wool blankets and thick furs. Someone had tucked you in while you were asleep.

As your eyes adjusted you saw, a few feet from you, another glint of blue – Hyunjin’s hair, now undone and flowing to his shoulders, reflecting the moonlight. Only then did you register how Hyunjin’s body was hunched over in the semi-darkness, sitting on the corner of the bed, facing away from you. His head was in his hands, and he was scraping his fingers through his hair angrily, just as he had on that rock so many weeks ago.

“Hyunjin?” you asked, startled by his body language, the way he was folded in on himself.

“Oh, you’re up!” he said, his tone light on the surface, but there was something aching beneath it, pulling the initial brightness down. You saw him hastily paw at his face, and when he turned, you could tell that he had been wiping away tears.

Your heart sunk.

You had seen the signs earlier that something was off with him – the severity in his tone, the way he held back from touching you – but you had been so caught up in your own thoughts that you hadn’t taken the time to check in with him, to make sure he was okay. After so many months of just trying to survive, you were having trouble defining the line between self-preservation and selfishness.

And so the guilt started gnawing at the edges of your heart, insistent and acidic. It traced the still-tender path it had scorched that night when you first learned of his burn, when you had realized that you were so caught up in securing the alliance that you had pushed aside his pain. The scar that formed as the tissue was grazed again made you wonder if this was not due to a few lapses of judgement, but a deeper flaw in you.

“Hyunjin...” you breathed, gently, now fully focused on him, everything but Hyunjin blocked out, “What’s wrong?”

He took a deep, broken breath, forcing a smile on his face, eyes still watery.

“It’s nothing, I shouldn’t...Go back to sleep baby, don’t worry about me.”

He moved forward to tuck you back in, eyes fixed on the blankets, averting your gaze. But still, you saw his lower lip quiver before he bit it to hide the emotion peeking through. You put your hand on his chest, stopping him. Only then did he raise his eyes to yours, apprehensive, clearly hoping that you wouldn’t push it.

“Hyunjin, “ you said, “Tell me what’s going on…please.”

But he just shook his head, gently moving your hand from his chest so that he could lean over you, his hair falling across his face as he pulled the blankets up to your shoulders. As if talking to the wool and not you, he whispered, “No…no you have so much to handle, I can’t add to that.”

“Hyunjin,” you said, this time more insistently, reaching one hand out to push his hair behind his ear. At your touch, he glanced up briefly.

“Hyunjin, I’m your wife,” you said softly, desperately trying to coax words from him, “I want to be there for you and…I can’t…I can’t go to sleep with you like this. Please. “

And this time he held your gaze, the first time since you had found him in tears at the edge of the bed. You could see, behind the immediate pain, the conflict, clear even with the tears that obscured his sight.

He was weighing what to do, how much to say. Trying to figure out the exact best way to convey what he needed to, and no more, so that you could go back to sleep as quickly as possible, minimally bothered by him. But before he could come to a resolution, before he could carefully piece together a half-truth, the pressure of emotion bottled up over so many weeks was finally greater than his restraint. And so he doubled over, finally breaking down.

“I’m so sorry…” he choked out, “So so sorry…I should have never…”

And immediately you hurt, far deeper than anything caused by your isolation or your own pain. You moved to him, holding every part of his body that you could, giving him that comforting contact that he always gave you, whispering to him, “Shhh, shhh, breathe, it’s okay.” You weren’t sure if you were primarily trying to calm him, or the panic that was bubbling up in you.

As you felt his breathing even out, his muscles relax slightly, you said, as gently as you could, “Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.”

He shook his head against your shoulder, as you held it gently, your fingers running tenderly though his hair. You stayed like that for a while, giving him the time he had needed to collect his thoughts before his own emotions had forced him into expression before he was ready. After a few silent minutes, he confessed into your shoulder, his voice strained:

“It’s my fault …I should have never let myself finish inside you until I was sure I could take care of you. Until everything was settled, and I could be certain I could be there to support you during every step, take care of you at every moment…but instead I was so caught up in just wanting to give you all of me, that I took what you should have had away from you. And then you had to…”

His voice broke, and he took a deep breath, trying to stabilize himself. 

“You had to take care of yourself for months alone. Do everything alone. And now you have to deal with all this, with my family. What kind of husband am I? What kind of father? I…”

His voice caught in his throat , and he buried his head further into the crook of your neck, his exhales shaky, pausing until he had enough control over himself to speak.

“I don’t know what I’m doing…I just…I only ever really learned how to be a…plaything. I was only ever supposed to be an ornament. To make the princess feel good, give her children, be a thing to dress up and put on her arm at state dinners, and leave all the responsibilities of everything to the king, my brothers, my father. I barely even spoke for myself. I wasn’t even going to be able to raise my own children…and at the first moment I had to make a real choice, involving someone I loved, I jumped in like a naïve fool, not thinking of the consequences. I knew what was happening for days, maybe even weeks before I told you. I had time to think through how to manage things.”

He shook his head again.

“No wonder my father thought I couldn’t handle any responsibilities, any leadership. I can’t even take care of my family. Can’t even manage things well enough to make sure you both are safe and comfortable.”

You felt your heart skip a beat at his use of “both”, the way he was so eager to welcome your baby into the world. Even if right now they were barely the size of a berry, he was so devoted, wanting to care for them as if they were already here.

“I just…I don’t trust myself,” he continued, “That…I’ll ever be able to become the partner you deserve. Who can take burdens away from you instead of adding to them.”

And there it was again, that mirroring. 

You had spent the last few days thinking about how different the two of you were, how you couldn’t possibly understand how he moved through the world. You had even, if you were being honest, resented him for it. It must be so easy, you had thought, to love when you look like that.

But the truth was, he was experiencing the world just as you were. Every interaction proof for the thesis you had created for yourselves – that you were ill-equipped to be a parent, a partner, to step outside the role you had been assigned. That maybe your previously limits were warranted, correctly reflecting what you could handle. 

And you were just about to voice this, to let him know that he was perfect, that you loved him, that you had the same doubts about yourself, when he pulled away from you, eyes still downcast.

“I just…I get why you’ve been distancing yourself from me. I do. I let you down,” he said, a sob catching in his throat, his head falling into his hands again as tears began to leak out.

Your eyes widened with shock, your heart squeezing painfully. 

Every time you had wanted a little extra space for your thoughts, or had been embarrassed for him that he had to be seen with you…he had thought you didn’t want him. That you were angry with him, disappointed in him. That by you keeping him from touching you, you didn’t want him to love you.

“Oh baby,” you cooed, and you pulled him even closer to you, rocking him gently. Hyunjin’s eyes snapped to you - it was the first time you had used anything other than his name to address him.

You pulled away for a moment and placed your hand on his cheek, gently wiping away a fresh tear with your thumb, “Is that really why you thought I needed space?”

He nodded, gulping.

“Oh no, Hyunjin, baby,” you said again, placing your other hand on his other cheek, now holding his face softly, his eyes scrunched up,  “That wasn’t it at all…I’m so sorry I made you think that…”

“I was just…” you continued, “Overwhelmed. I was trying to process everything, all the change, and also…we had only been us alone until yesterday. But then when we got to the city, and I saw the way everyone looked at me, like I wasn’t…good enough for you, like I’d somehow tricked you into loving me, like everything you have given me was stolen. And I just felt so inadequate…”

You dropped your gaze for just a moment, preparing yourself. You would normally have been more reticent to tell the full truth, but all you wanted right now was too soothe him, to let him know how much you loved him, that you didn’t blame him.

“…And so it hurt, to see you still loving me. Taking such good care of me. Like I was just deepening I debt I could never repay you.”

At your confession, Hyunjin’s brows knit together, eyes half horrified, half hurt. This time he was the one who pulled you in, rocking you slowly.

“Oh baby, I…” he said, “I am so incredibly lucky to have you. So lucky. You are so smart and capable and incredibly strong and I am in awe of how you have handled everything. And…”

His cheeks flush bright pink, expression bashful.

“And...not to sound depraved…but I am constantly imagining undressing you, making love to you. I love your body, your face,” he said, pointedly, “Everything. I love you. Every day I wake up and no matter what terrible things we have to deal with, I have this moment of joy that I get to love you. You are the one who got the worse end of the deal. It feels like a dream, I just love you so, so much. And that you felt like that that shouldn’t be the case…I…”

Finally the magnitude of Hyunjin’s emotions eclipsed his ability to express them, and so he began kissing all of your exposed skin, much like he had so many weeks ago on your bedroom floor in the palace. But this time, he was unhurried, focused, each touch of his lips onto your skin deep, slow, purposeful.

He didn’t press or suck hard enough to leave bruises – he would never want to create marks of pain on your skin, unless you asked him to – but you could feel how he was carefully toeing just up against that line. He wanted your body to remember this, for every inch of your skin to have the memory of his lips pressed into you, of how it felt to be loved. So that in moments where you were unsure, where eyes fell on you for just a beat too long, the memory of the imprint of his lips on your skin would still be stronger than the burning in their gaze.

And when his lips hit the soft spot below your ear, you moaned, and he immediately pulled back, afraid that he had gone too far. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he whispered into the crook of your neck, “I’ll stop now.”

You held the back of his head and gently repositioned his lips back to where they had been a few moments before, whispering, “Don’t stop…”

He kissed at the skin there once, before pulling back, looking at you intently.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his hands running along your back.

“Yes,” you said, “I want you.” And you did. You ached to feel all of him pressed against all of you.

“Okay,” he said, quietly, “Okay. But…how do you want me?” His hands were now on yours, tracing circles. His eyes soft, loving, patient. 

“I want you to make love to me, Hyunjin,” you whispered, “I want to try it again, to have you move inside me, please.”

His eyes went wide, and you saw, for the first time in weeks, the hunger in him. Before the worry and guilt had buried it, before he had become so afraid to hurt you. And perhaps, you saw too, the tiniest glimpse of arrogance, fighting, but still not winning, against his sweetness.

“Are you really sure, baby?” he said, hand stroking the side of your face, “We can do other things instead, if that’s more comfortable for you. Whatever you want.”

“This is what I want,” you responded, definitively.

“Okay,” he repeated, “I’ll be gentle, but I’ll need to make sure you’re prepped. I don’t want to hurt you.”

And then he paused for a moment, considering his options before his eyes narrowed, the arrogance flashing for just a moment. He then continued, “We can try something…it might be a little tiring for you, but I can help support you, and if it’s too much we can always stop. But I think it would make you feel good, make sure you are fully ready to take me. Does that sounds okay?”

You nodded, eager, and he smiled before leaning back onto the pillows, hands gesturing for you to come forward.

You looked at him, eyebrows knitted, unsure exactly what he was planning. 

“Come here,” he said, responding to your confusion.

And so you moved forward, straddling his chest, the smallest of moans slipping out as your clit slid softly, deliciously, against his skin. He reached up, pulling the ties on your robe, letting it cascade off your shoulders. His hands then moved from your collarbones, over your breasts, your belly, around your hips, his breath leaving him in one shaky exhale.

“You’re so beautiful, fuck,” he whispered before refocusing himself, his eyes meeting yours again.

 “Okay,” he said, thumb now rubbing circles into your hips, “I want you to position yourself over my face.”

“What?” you said, “Won’t I suffocate you?”

“You won’t,” he said, confidently, smiling, “I promise.”

“Come here, baby,” he repeated, voice husky, applying the lightest pressure to your thighs, “I’ll make you feel so good.”

And so you did as he asked, scooting forward until your core was right above his lips. You trusted him, but you also felt exposed, apprehensive – his mouth had been on you before but this…the way he lay under you, so ready to give you pleasure, with you so open for him…it did something to your insides, straddling that line between fear and excitement, between power and submission.

“Yes, perfect,” he said, “So good for me.”

And with that, he pulled you down onto him, placing a single soft kiss on your clit, leaving you shivering. And then he continued the work he had begun earlier, placing his lips tenderly yet firmly all along your folds, so that even this most private place would remember how much he adored you. It felt good - the intimacy and vulnerability of the act made your stomach tighten, your innermost muscles clench. But you needed more. The touch was too light, teasing you as your body cried out for more. You felt yourself start to grind slowly against him, trying to create the friction you desperately craved.

“Please, Hyunjin,” you begged, “I need it.”

He squeezed your thighs once, acknowledging you, before moving his lips up to suck where you needed him most. He clearly remembered what had you screaming his name the last time his lips had been on you like this, and you squeezed your eyes closed, your hands gripping at your breasts as the pleasure bloomed in you. 

You began moving faster against him, your hips rolling you against his tongue. With one hand still kneading your breast, you reached the other back, grasping his forearm and then letting your fingers slide along it to his hand. He could feel what you wanted, so he let go of your thigh, allowing you to grasp his hand, his fingers laced in yours as much for comfort as physical support. You cried as he devoured you, your whole body on fire. 

As you approached your precipice, you moaned, broken, “Hyunjin…I’m...”

At your warning he detached his mouth from you with one final kiss to your clit, placing both of his hands back on you to slowly lift you up. 

He looked up at you, face shining, and asked, “Do you want me to make you come like this? I was going to stop before we got there so you’re not too sensitive after, but if you want…”

You sat back onto his chest, giving him your answer.

“No,” you said, definitively, “I want to come with you inside me.”

And he smirked, that rougher side of him eclipsing his carefulness long enough for him to mutter “good girl” before he caught himself, the softness returning to his eyes and his hands as they ghosted across the skin of your thighs.

“Can I check to make sure you’re fully ready, baby?” he asked eyes tender as his hands delicately massaged the swell of your ass.

You nodded, and he moved one hand between your legs, gently pushing your slick folds aside and easily inserting one, two, three fingers inside you, gently pumping them in and out, before curling them into that tender spot.

You moaned, and he whispered, “Does that feel good, baby?”

You nodded, biting your lip, and he pumped a few more times before slowly removing his fingers, saying, “So wet for me, you did so good, baby.”

You blushed at his words, but it also caused a heat to pool, even more intensely, between your legs.

Preparing for your next step, he pushed against the mattress, lifting himself slowly to a seated position so that you slid down into his lap. You wrapped your arms and legs around him, placing one long, slow kiss on his forehead. He smiled, eyes and nose scrunching up in delight at the contact, before he placed one hand tenderly at the nape of your neck, stroking slowly while kissing your shoulder.

When he looked back up at you, the ghost of his kiss still on your shoulder, his expression was contemplative, tender.

“I think,” he started, “I probably shouldn’t take you on your back – that might put too much pressure on your belly. I don’t want to hurt you…” 

He then looked down momentarily, his hand moving slowly, lovingly, over your bump, “…Or our baby. But is there any other position you want to try?”

“Can you take me from behind, like you suggested in the capital?” you responded, “We never got to try that, but I’m curious…”

“Yes,” he said, eyes glowing, “Yes, that’s perfect.”

He then leaned down, placing a single kiss on your belly, before putting his hands behind your back to support you as he lay you down. As your head hit the pillow, you reached out, undoing the ties on his top, and he shrugged it off. You let your hands trace over his chest, over his tattoos, the images playing in your mind as he watched you lovingly, imagining what you were seeing. And as your fingers hit his waistband, you realized…

“New pants??” you asked. The deep blue palace robes had been replaced by ones more typical for him – made of linen and clinging to his thighs, perfect for long days of riding. And as much as you loved the way they hugged his body, cupping his muscles and every curve, a small part of you missed his old outfit – it had been ridiculous, but it also was the one that had accompanied him as he made his way back to you.

He laughed, the intensity of the moment diffusing temporarily, the shadow of a blush painting his cheeks, “Yes, I got a bit of a wardrobe upgrade while I was at the market. In retrospect, I probably should have changed before I met your parents, but I forgot I was still wearing them until after. Not exactly the best first impression of your surprise son-in-law.”

He shook his head at himself, smiling.

You giggled before smirking up at him, saying, “They’re nice but…unnecessary.” You wanted them off now.

You already knew that he was hard by the way his trousers tented below the waistband, but as you pulled at the waist, allowing them to slide off, you saw that he was painfully hard, the whole shaft red, the tip weeping. You reached out, running your thumb across the tip as you grasped at the head. He gasped in response, another drop of precum forming at the slit.

And then he said, jaw clenched, “You can still say no. If you think it’s too much, or you would rather me make you feel good a different way, it’s never too late to say that - “

But you stopped what he was saying, as sweet as it was, by placing a single kiss on the head of his penis, his question morphing into a long, broken moan.

“I want it Hyunjin,” you whispered, “please.”

He was biting his lip, still recovering from the sensation of your lips against him, but at your confirmation he managed to groan out, “Then get on your side for me, baby.”

You moved over to your right side, and he nestled up against your back, his penis hard against you just as it had been so many weeks ago.

“Okay, baby,” he said, tenderly, his left hand rubbing your hip,  “Can you arch your back for me a little? It’ll be easier for me to slide inside without hurting you if we change the angle a little.”

And so you did as he asked, and he whispered, barely audible, “good girl,” as he now placed his hand more firmly against your hip.

“Let me know if this hurts at all, or you need me to go slower. Any pain – I want to know.”

“Okay,” you responded, squeezing the hand that lay on your hip. And then you felt the tip of him at your entrance, and he pushed in, so slowly, so gently, like he could break you. As before, the was a bit of discomfort at the stretch, but you were still so wet from his attentions earlier, and from the way he had continued to touch you since then, that there was no real pain. When he bottomed out, he whispered softly in your ear, “You okay?”

“Yes,” you respond, “Please move, Hyunjin.”

He kissed the back of your neck once, slowly, before carefully pulling out and pushing back in, drawing from you your first moan since he had entered you. After a few strokes he found a rhythm, but there was nothing hurried in his pace, nothing rough in the way any part of him was touching you.

He had made love to you in the capital as well, but this time it felt…different. The way he caressed you so softly with his hands and lips, thrusting into you slowly, gently, reverently – you could feel the weight of what you both had lived through, all the things he couldn’t fully express in words. How much he had missed you those months, how afraid he was for you when you were on your own, his joy at your reunion, how excited he was to create this family with you. He wanted you to feel how desperately he wanted this life with you, how much he was willing to fight so you could have it. And he wanted you to feel how much he loved you, not just in all the places on the surface of you that his lips had touched, but in the deepest part of you that he could reach.

And at that realization, coinciding with a thrust that hit just right, you moaned his name, pleading, desperate, your own broken expression of all the things he was trying to show to you.

He continued to hit that spot again and again, and you found the knot in your stomach form so quickly that even you were surprised. Your body had already been so aroused before he had even entered you, that after he continued to move in you for just a few more minutes, his hand kneading at you breast, teasing the nipple, you felt yourself approach your precipice, a cry falling from your lips.

“Just like that,” he whispered, “You’re doing so good for me, baby.”

“Hyunjin, I…” you said.

“Close?” he asked, and when he saw you nod he said simply, “Let go for me baby, you can come.”

And so you did, your back arching as the knot in your stomach came loose. When you moaned his name, Hyunjin held you even closer, placing a slow kiss on your shoulder, slowing his thrusts to help you ride out your high.

The wave of pleasure left behind a cloying rawness as it receded, so when you reached the valley of your pleasure just as Hyunjin bottomed out during a slow thrust, you inhaled sharply, your body cringing just slightly at the oversensitivity. Noting your intake in breath and the way your body tensed in his arms, Hyunjin immediately pulled out, his hand stroking your side comfortingly as he whispered to you, “Sorry, sorry, are you okay?”

You turned to where he was propped up on his arm, his eyes aching with concern as he looked down at you. Rushing to assure him you were okay, you held his face as you nodded, the pleasure having erased language temporarily from your mind. You were covered in sweat and totally spent, but, even with your sensitivity, his withdrawal had left you feeling empty, missing the way he had filled you up. 

But then you noticed, as you glanced down, that he still looked achingly hard. Lost in your own high, you had temporarily forgotten about his.

Alarmed by how you had again lost track of his pleasure, your eyes darted to him and you whispered, “But…you didn’t finish. You can slide back in, I want you to get there too.”

And then you added, for good measure, your voice coming out a little squeaky as you tried to skirt around the rawness in your core, “I’m not that sensitive, don’t worry!”

He cupped your face, moving a strand of hair that was stuck to the sweat on your forehead, shaking his head slowly.

“It would hurt you if I keep going…and, honestly, that was perfect regardless,” he said, beaming.

You were about to protest, but he was right – as good as he had made your body feel, the idea of all of him pushing inside you again made your innermost muscles clench, but not from arousal. 

“Then let me at least…” you countered, reaching out a hand to grab him, to use what he had taught you before to help him reach his own high. But, noting the way your limbs seemed to have no bones, the fatigue in your eyes, he stopped your hand and kissed it instead. 

“You’re exhausted…” he said, in almost a whisper, “I can take care of this – as long as you aren’t bothered by that?”

“Be my guest,” you said, smiling back at him, your breathing still heavy.

Hyunjin ran his thumb once more across you cheek, kissing you on your forehead, before laying himself down next to you, his head hitting the pillow. He then reached down, grasping at the head, using his thumb to spread the precum over the shaft. His eyes were still on you as he began to pump himself, a moan tumbling from his lips, and you saw, finally, the confidence and hunger fully block out his softness.

He was so careful with you, so afraid of putting any more strain on your body than he already had by creating life in you, that he never quite let himself go when he was touching you. But now, when his hands were only on himself, there was no reason to hold back, to not allow that side of himself to take over. Seeing him like that – so wild, a little rough – made your stomach contract, the beginning of a knot starting to form.

You had seen him touch himself before, many weeks ago in the capital, but it had been brief and mostly educational. It was meant primarily to show you how he liked it, not to actually bring him to release. But now, as he shamelessly palmed himself, aching to relieve the tension you had created in him, you felt heat pool again between your legs, and a new gush of wetness. You weren’t sure what to do or where to look.

But Hyunjin caught the way that your thighs tensed, the way they rubbed together, and he smirked at you, whispering, “You can touch yourself, baby, if you want.”

So you reached between your legs, circling your sensitive bud. It was too early for you to reach inside yourself to hit that most tender spot in you, but your arousal was growing so fast that you knew you wouldn’t need to in order to reach your second orgasm.

“Just like that, baby, fuck,” he breathed between moans, “So good for me. Touch yourself just like that. Does that feel good, baby?” 

You shivered at his words, pleasure coursing through you, only able to moan in response.

The image of you like this – writhing, moaning as you bit your lip, lost in a desire caused only by the image of him and his words, without him even needing to touch you – finally sent him over the edge. He moaned, deep and full of relief, as he finally came, painting his own stomach. He hastily stood up, wiping away the remnants of his release, before crawling back into bed, seating himself behind you and pulling you into his lap. 

With your head relaxed against his chest, your fingers still working furiously against yourself, he gently whispered in your ear as his hand slip over yours, “Let me take care of you, baby, I got you.”

Using your own movements as a guide, he was careful to not touch anywhere that was still too raw, his fingers soft as they danced around your clit. He kissed slowly at the spot below your ear, and you moaned, “Fuck, Hyunjin, I love you,” as you came undone on his fingers, writhing in his arms.

He leaned down, placing a kiss on the top of your head as his fingers withdrew from you, gently cupping your belly.

“I love you, too,” he said, now stacking his head on yours, “You okay?”

“Fuck, yes,” you replied, your breathing still labored, “Besides the fact that I can’t think anymore.”

He chuckled, wiping the sweat from your forehead, “Do you need anything?”

You shook your head. 

“I just want to stay here for a minute,” you said.

“Of course,” he replied, smiling down at you as you let yourself relax, sliding lower onto his chest so that only your head nestled in his lap.

You suddenly remembered how you had previously lost track of how he was doing, if he was okay, so you countered “Are you okay?” 

His smile spread just a little wider, and his hand fell to your cheek, as he whispered, “Yes, much better than okay.”

You grabbed his hand from where it lay on your cheek, kissing his palm, falling silent for a few moments as you caught your breath. You closed your eyes, melting into his warmth, when he absentmindedly started playing with your hair, the light touch alighting your nerves with pleasure.

“Mmm,” you groaned, “That feels so good…”

He chuckled again, brushing his right hand gently along the side of your head, “Does it? I’m glad.”

You nodded, pressing your head against his hands.

“Honestly,” he said, just a hint of embarrassment in his tone as he picked up a few strands and began to weave them together, “I’m pretty excited to do our child’s hair. My aunts used to have me do it all the time for them, braids and stuff like that, but to do it for our baby…I can’t wait. At least that is one parenting skill I’m mostly confident in,” he said, laughing to himself in that self-effacing way he sometimes did.

“Hyunjin,” you said, opening your eyes so he could see the warning in them, “You are going to be such a good father. The way you take care of me so well, how much you already love this baby…I literally cannot wait to see you become a dad. It makes me wish I could pop this baby out right now. And...”

The lust had derailed what you had originally planned to say to him, and even though you thought your body had expressed it already, you wanted to be sure that he knew.

“Just to be clear, I don’t blame you at all for any of this. The way we’ve been living...it’s made it impossible for us to make any choice for ourselves without us feeling guilty about it. I made this choice, and no matter how hard it’s been, I have never, not for a single moment, regretted that I’m carrying your baby. Some days, in fact, knowing that I had this piece of you with me was the only thing that got me through.”

You saw his eyes start to swim, the relief spreading to the corners, the muscles of his face relaxing.

“And...I’m nervous about becoming I mother too. I’m still afraid that I’ll do something wrong, that I don’t know what I’m doing. But we can figure it out together.”

He smiled down at you, whispering to you, sincere, voice choked, “You’ll be perfect, I know it. You’ve handled all of this so well, as complicated as it’s been...you’ll be the best mother. And I’m so excited to do this all with you.” His words lit a little flame in your heart, a comfort spreading deep in your bones.

“I still can’t believe they’re growing inside you,” he continued, rubbing your belly, “That they’re so tiny right now. It’s just…”

And his eyes filled with wonder, and just the tiniest prick of tears, “I just really hope I’ll do a good job for them. I’ll try my best.”

“Well you’ll be far better than any father I’ve ever known,” you said, pointedly, “and I can say that definitively.” 

He looked at you, a question in his eyes at the emphasis you put on “I”, and you realized you had let yourself slip, the truth leaking out as your edges blurred. As they so often did when you were around Hyunjin.

You took his hands in yours, lacing your fingers together, taking a deep breath. His breathing was quiet, reticent - he was giving you the space and silence that you needed. While you were ready to tell him, you were still nervous – this wasn’t something you had ever verbalized before, so you worried about stumbling over your words, of only jumbled, raw nonsense falling from your lips.

“There was...an accident…when I was younger,” you said, “When I was around four. My father had just claimed victory over one of the western clans, absorbing their lands and routes. He was ecstatic, so he launched a celebration in our tent that went for days. And he got…a little drunk. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you exactly how it came to happen, I can’t remember the moment itself, but he…got a little too cavalier with his sword, brandishing it in some sort of demonstration of bravado. And he cut here.”

Your hand still locked in Hyunjin’s, you gestured toward your eye. He was still quiet, but you heard his inhale catch at the pain of it.

“It wasn’t intentional. He was just…careless. The initial injury was nothing more than a line, and my vision wasn’t affected at all. Not too different from any of the little bump or scratch you get as a child.”

“It probably would have just left a tiny scar,” you continued, “But the next day I woke up with a fever, the skin warm, and my vision cloudy. My mother immediately knew something was wrong, and she went to my father, who was still caught up in his celebrations, asking him to bring me to the next clan over, to their healer. But my father didn’t want to. Said that I was just being dramatic, weak. He was angry that I was…trying to spoil his celebrations. And my mother didn’t fight him on it. I’m sure she was frustrated with him too but…she turned on me, yelling at me about how I should toughen up.”

You saw Hyunjin’s jaw tighten, an uncharacteristic darkness passing over his expression.

“But…it was infected. By the next morning it had spread, all the skin surrounding the initial wound was open, red, weeping and…my vision almost entirely gone. And the fever was so high that I lost consciousness. They brought me to the healer the next day, but by the time everything stabilized, weeks later, they couldn’t reverse this. The damage was already done, the skin broken, my eye ruined.”

When you finally looked up, you saw how, even as he had fought to stay quiet, to let you have the room to tell your story, tears were still streaming down his face, drawing intertwining paths on his cheeks that shone in the moonlight. He paused for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. 

“I’m so sorry, that you had to live through that, ” he said finally, squeezing his eyes shut as he help your hands against his cheek. “That they didn’t take care of you, that they didn’t listen to you. That you had to experience that and…everything that came after.”

And then he unlatched his hand from yours for a moment, eyes apprehensive as his hand hovered over your scar.

“Can I?” he asked.

You nodded, and, for the first time, he so gently placed his fingers on the very edge of the warped skin.

As soon as his fingertips made contact, he startled, his eyes wide with surprise as they darted to yours.

“I..,” he said, voice full of wonder and disbelief, eyebrows knitted together, “I see what you see. 

The room spun, and you gripped at the sheets, trying to regain balance. You knew from his expression that he was serious, but…how could it be true? No priest had ever translated the gods’ will onto your skin, written it out in tattoos. These were not even technically your gods, and the legends never spoke of any other way a shared life could be written into skin besides the skilled hand of a priest. Your mark was just an accident…Perhaps he was just seeing things in his exhaustion, confusing imagination with vision?

You then saw a silent question appeared in Hyunjin’s eyes, awaiting your consent.

“Keep going,” you said, a nervous pit forming in your stomach. But you wanted answers too.

And so, with a kiss to your forehead, he let his finger wander up along the peaks and valleys of your scar, touching every inch, eyes only growing wider as the tips of his fingers grazed the delicate skin of your eyelid.

You had never had never allowed someone to focus to so intently on this part of you. You had never before even given someone permission touch it with their hands, and certainly not like this, his eyes glued to you as his fingers mapped out your hardened skin. All your life you had so desperately tried to distract from it, with your skills and your usefulness. But now you were fully exposed, more naked than on your wedding night, a lifetime of reactions and looks forming a chorus in your mind, screaming at you to turn away. But you let yourself sink into the discomfort, soft under Hyunjin’s hand. You trusted him. You wanted to give him time with your past and future.

“Every scene,”  he confirmed, breathlessly, “Everything you described. But I see you.”

His eyes started to swim as he saw what he thought he would have to wait a lifetime to actually witness.

“You above me in bed while I was inside you. You kneeling on the grass, my hands on your bump. You looking at me from your horse. You…smiling at me as I cup your face in bed, wrinkles crinkling at the corner of your eyes.”

And so, it was written on you as well.

Immediately, your mind was a tornado of questions, snippets of your life swirling across your mind’s eye as you tried to map them onto this plane where myth rolled itself into reality.

Did the gods have a hand in your accident? Or had they let the infection burn in you, drawing this connection into you just as they had in Hyunjin’s tattoos? Marking you in a way that would send you down this path that would allow you to understand him, all the facets of his pain? To push you into taking on a role that would lead you to that moment on the palace balcony, when you had said yes?

As your brain starting laying down those snippets into a cohesive line, you saw Hyunjin’s own path, and the ways they had silently, invisibly intersected. All those years when you had felt alone, his line was being drawn along yours. To the world, he was part angel, and you were part monster, and so neither of you was permitted to be fully human, both trapped in the in the molds that had been cast from your mortal shells. And those invisible lines had wrapped around you like ribbons, slowly pulling you together, to where you were now. 

Your mind was still swirling and your heart bursting as Hyunjin’s fingers finally stalled. He then leaned over, placing his lips on the warped skin, kissing the exact way he had before to the rest of your body – tender, purposeful, taking his time. So that this part, too, would remember how much it was loved. Just as much as any part of you. Perhaps even more, since it had gifted him with your story.

“Thank you,” he said, mumbling against your skin between kisses, “For letting me touch you like that.”

Your brain was still fuzzy, trying to comprehend everything, but you were sure in your decision. You had never felt closer to him.

“Only for you,” you said, cupping his face, “Because I wanted you to, because I love you, because I trust you.”

“I never thought I would see any of that until I lived it,” he said, eyes still brimming, “Every time you described it I...felt a little jealous, knowing I would have to wait a whole lifetime to truly see everything with my own eyes…I just -”

“I didn’t know,” he said, leaning into your hand, “That I could love this hard. That it was possible for anyone to love someone else this much.”

You didn’t know how to express everything you were feeling, the way your soul felt like it had grown too large for your body, so you turned and propped yourself up so you could kiss him, long, hard, melding yourself to him. He wrapped one hand behind your head, pulling you closer, the other falling to your breasts, your belly, your hips. Your bodies fell again to the mattress, moving against one another, all of your limbs intertwined.

When you felt a familiar pressure build between your legs, you broke away, confessing, “I think we should stop…unless you want to give me a third orgasm.”

“I would be more than happy to…,” he said, a smirk just lifting the corner of his mouth despite the emotion still shining in his eyes, his hand brushing at the skin between your pelvic bones as it descended.

You reached down, stopping him, and then giggled, “I was kidding. You made me feel incredible today, and I’m sure you could do it again, but I am exhausted.”

“Oh!” he said, immediately withdrawing his hand, placing it on your back as he smiled sheepishly, “Sorry! As you wish.”

So instead he pulled you against him, pressing his lips to your forehead as he mumbled, “Sleep time, then.”

Safe in his arms, you slipped out of consciousness to the hypnotic rhythm of his heartbeat.

~~~ 

You awoke the next morning to the chirping of birds, Hyunjin’s fingers delicately tracing patterns on your bare back. You opened your eyes slowly, the soft light of morning bathing everything in a warm glow, the air just losing its crisp edge as the sun warmed the earth. 

As your vision cleared, you were immediately comforted by all the colors of your childhood – the soft white of the hide walls, the burnt yellow of the grass below your bed, the rich orange of copper bowls and teapots stacked in the corner. The furs at your feet were a sumptuous gray, the wooden supports crossing above your head a warm brown. And of course, the carpets scattered haphazardly across the floor, were intricately woven in every hue against a wine-red.

And you wished, suddenly, that you could stay here forever, in this simple space full of small delights, listening to your husband’s even breathing as he wrote poems on your skin. To just have a day full of boring tasks - no ambitions, just quiet cups of tea interspersed among the basic units of life.

But for now that could only be a fantasy - somehow it seemed that the simplest things were the toughest to obtain, and came with the highest price.

And so you finally rolled ever, letting Hyunjin know you were awake, when you felt a deep ache between your legs. Even with all his preparation, all his caution, his copious caregiving, he had still been a lot for you to take. You could feel it in every inch that he had touched deep inside you, almost certainly bruised. You winced before you could stop yourself, and his face immediately was shot with panic. 

“Are you hurt? In pain? Nauseated?” he said, rubbing your back with more urgency, as if he could rub out the pain like a stain on cloth.

“Just a little sore,” you admitted, sheepishly.

“I’m so sorry!” he said, “I’ll try to be gentler next time, I must have been too rough…”

But you placed a hand on his cheek, beaming up at him, stopping him from continuing.

“No, no, Hyunjin, it feels…good,” you said, “To be able to still feel exactly where you were inside me.”

He smiled back at you, and then leaned in to kiss you, his hand still on your lower back.

“Okay. Now that you’re up though…” he said, “At least let me make you some tea? To make up for it?”

“You don’t need to make up for anything,” you said, “I’m delighted by it. But, tea would still be nice.”

He kissed you quickly and then stood up, walking into the other room and out of sight. You repositioned yourself in a seated position against the pillows, the scent of ginger spreading through the tent.

He returned a few minutes later with a cup in hand and handed it over to you, saying, “It’s ginger tea…it’s supposed to help with nausea. Trying to win that battle against morning sickness.”

You smiled back at him, taking the cup between your palms, the ceramic warm and comforting against your skin. You took a sip and the heat spread all through you, your muscled relaxing into the mattress.

“Mya told me you went to the market to get it while I was resting?” you responded.

He nodded, saying “I asked the priest in that apothecary in the city what would be best if your morning sickness ever got severe, and that’s what she recommended, so I thought this might be the time for it.”

A blush spread across his cheeks as he rubbed his neck nervously, confessing, “I asked that poor woman so many questions, I’m surprised she didn’t kick me out. I’m glad to be away from the city just because I’d be mortified if I ran into her again...”

A joy bloomed in your chest at your sweet husband, who, you realized, must have abandoned buying himself pants for the journey so that he could take the extra time to learn everything he could to care for you. The affection spread to your fingers and you ached to touch him, to be closer to him. Holding the cup in just one hand, you patted your thighs, and Hyunjin cocked his head, confused.

“Put your head in my lap,” you said.

He did so eagerly, nestling his head between your legs while he beamed up at you, his hair still loose, the strands spread over the bare skin of your thighs. You placed your fingers at the crown of his head, gently playing with the strands.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed, “That does feel good.”

And then you saw a tiny shadow cross his face, the pleasure on his lips morphing into a frown.

“I just wish we could stay here for a while,” he said, “Just have one day where there’s no chance of use getting disowned, or arrested, or attacked by a animals on the grasslands. Just have a profoundly boring day, in the best possible way.”

You giggled, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

“Me too,” you said.

But then you remembered Cyrus, and what you had to do today.

“But tragically,” you said, the ghost of your laughter still in your chest as it was newly weighed down by fear, your hands trailing across Hyunjin’s scalp, “Not in the cards for us today, baby.”

~~

Your parents, surprisingly, showed up to see you off. 

You and Hyunjin had perhaps laid in bed longer than was advisable considering the rush you should have been in, but you were both so happy in each other’s arms, nestled among the warm blankets, that you had indulged yourselves for a few extra minutes.

Eventually, you forced yourself out of bed, quickly packing your things and layering yourselves in furs for the day’s journey. With one forlorn look back at the bed, you pushed open the door to see your parents standing awkwardly, almost nervously, outside. Your sister was there too, smiling warmly at you.

“We are just here,” your father said, “To wish you luck on your journey. And to remind you that…worst comes to worst, we’ll stand behind you.”

He reached out his hand to Hyunjin, and while Hyunjin clasped it, there was an anger, a darkness in him that you had never before seen. You knew what Hyunjin was thinking. But he knew better than to speak it out in order in order to chase a justice for you that he knew he could never obtain, that would only bring you more hardship and discomfort. He recognized that do so would mostly be an indulgence to himself, playing at a protector you hadn’t asked for. So he simply locked eyes with your father, jaw set.

“Thank you,” Hyunjin replied, simply.

Your mother stepped forward, taking your hand in hers, looking just the slightest bit lost. Even if things went well, you would, as tradition required, live among Hyunjin’s clan. You would never return fully to her, to this place.

“Godspeed,” she said, simply, “May Hyunjin do what is best for you, take care of you, stand up for you…”

And then she said, pointedly, eyes to the ground, “…even when it is hard.”

She held your hands for a few extra seconds then stepped back, allowing your sister to pull you into her arms, holding you extra tight.

“Good luck, sister,” she said, “And remember what I told you.”

She looked warmly at your husband, and when you followed her gaze you saw the way his eyes were fixed only on you, full of love.

~~~

After you said goodbye, you and Hyunjin made the long walk back across the grasses, the crickets quiet under the glare of the mid-morning sun. After a few minutes you reached the pastures again, and you retrieved the two horses that had accompanied you earlier on your journey. And, as before, Hyunjin helped hoist you onto your saddle.

As you readjusted yourself, struggling to find a comfortable position, a blush spread across his cheeks.

“Will you be okay,” he asked, “with the…soreness?”

“I’ll be just fine,” you said, “It’s very minor, no problem at all.”

“Okay,” he said, biting the edge of his lip nervously, “But we can take a break whenever, if it bothers you at all.”

You nodded, and he placed his hand on your thigh before mounting his own horse.

You rode south for a few hours, the weather growing harsher the farther you journeyed. Hyunjin’s home city was located on a high plain, where you were laid raw for the elements, the wind whipping against your skin. You pulled up your hood, the gusts of air occasionally strong enough to cut off your breathing. You caught Hyunjin looking over at you more than once, clearly worried that the wind would destabilize you.

“Time for a break?” he called to you, after a particularly strong gust, and you nodded, stopping your horse.

He jumped down from his perch before gently easing you off yours, and as his hands left you waist, you noticed that they were trembling. 

You reached out, grasping them both in yours, saying softly, “Hyunjin, you’re shaking.”

You held them up to your lips, kissing them softly.

“I’m just…so nervous,” he confessed, “I can’t control it. I’m afraid what my father will say, if he’ll separate us, if he’ll…

Hyunjin swallowed hard, continuing “…hurt you…”

“If any of that happens, I don’t know how I could live with myself. And also...”

He saw his expression turn stormy, giving way to hurt.

“Now that I’ve gone against him, I’m scared to see what’s left. Or I guess I should say, what isn’t left. My mother has always been kind to me, but my father...” he whispered, “I don’t know if there’s any real care there. I thought there was, but now…”

“Hey,” you said, holding his cheek, lifting his face so that he was looking at you, “We can’t control how much our parents care for us. But what I can say is that you are absolutely deserving of that care. I love you so much, and I love you regardless of what your father does. It’s us, always.”

He nodded slowly, pulling you in so that you head was resting against his shoulder.

“You are the best wife,” he said, “I am so lucky the gods led me to you.”

You broke away from him, grinning and you said, “I’m the lucky one…let’s go sit down for a bit, okay? My legs are tired.” 

This was true – your legs absolutely ached from how they had been clamped around your horse, gripping onto her to remain upright. But you also knew that inviting him to care for you would give him something to focus on, allow him to detach temporarily from his worries as he slipped into a role into which he so naturally fit.

“Of course!” he said, smiling, “I can massage your legs, maybe that will help?”

He lead you to a soft patch of grass, his hand still in yours, but now still.

~~~

You had been to Hyunjin’s home city before, but not like this.

When you had arrived months ago, when Hyunjin’s name was only something that you had heard whispered like a sin, it had been under the cover of night, in one of the tents in the outskirts of the city. Just a small, practical affair – you, your father, Cyrus, and Hyunjin. Just another job to you, the place itself of no particular importance or weight. You hadn’t bothered to pay attention to any of the finer details.

But now, with the new relevance of this place weighing on your temples and  everything illuminated by the afternoon sun, your stomach clenched.

You would not say that your city was small, but the scale of Hyunjin’s city was astonishing – from your perch on the edge of the valley, where the main road just began to form, you could see thousands of dwellings unfurl over the entirety of the valley, the farthest only tiny specs. They spread all the way to where the wall of mountains rose in the distance, their peaks blending into mists.

But, oddly, despite its size, and the number of people that must inhabit it, there was something about it that felt...barren. Abandoned. Few people walked the streets, and there was no music or shouting like in your city. Just the whistling of the wind, like the whispers of ghosts. Or, perhaps, the whispers of the gods.

There was also a stubbornness to his city. While yours was always shifting, the tents like sands shifted by the capricious winds of their inhabitant’s fancies, the wealth of Hyunjin’s clan allowed it some measure of permanency. While the clan’s traditions clung to the edges of the city, where there was a vast spread of cream-colored tents, the central district was full of sturdy, squat building, which you knew were newly constructed despite they way they had aged in the elements. They were built of concrete and wood, hung with lanterns that now looked haunted, lifeless in mid-afternoon. The was no warmth to them, no decoration – just naked practicality, meant to provide permanent shelter and no more. And, immediately carving fear into your heart, at the end of the trampled dirt path that ran through the center, rose a single building. It was large, imposing, rising in defiance of the sky, outfitted with giant iron doors. Where you would find Cyrus.

Hyunjin squeezed his hand in yours, and you couldn’t tell if the pulsing in your skin was from your heartbeat or from Hyunjin’s, so frantic that you could feel it in his palm. His hand slipped to your lower back, echoing himself from a few days ago when you had approached your father. He gave you the smallest of nods, and you nodded back.

It was time.

~~~

The first warning appeared as soon as your eyes met those of the guards stationed by the throne room.

Outside the giant iron doors were two rows guards, their faces serious, reddened from the elements, hips hung with well-used weapon. These were grizzled men who had been carved out of their adolescence by war, likely chosen for this particular post for their ferocity in battle, their ability to withstand endless horrors unflinchingly. But as their eyes fell on Hyunjin, then you, then his hand on your back, you saw their eyes go wide. And you saw a flash of fear, of apprehension. As if they were trying to tell you to run.

But that wasn’t an option, so Hyunjin, even if he had seen the warning in their eyes, simply stated, “I am here to see my father.”

The guards nodded, albeit grimly, and gestured towards the rings on the door. Hyunjin grasped one, yanking it open.

The sunlight that streamed into the hall from behind you painted your shadows against the floor, which, to your astonishment, glowed in a thousand shades of blue, like the scales of a fish, a collage of every tone from every corner of the sea. It wove pattern into the floor as intricate as the tattoos scattered across Hyunjin’s chest, the images dancing under your feet like waves in the shifting light. 

For the brief moment that you were dazzled, you struggled to understand why Cyrus would have chosen this for his throne room. His clan didn’t indulge much in the luxuries within its grasp – to do so would have been frivolous, weak, fundamentally contrary to the practicality and roughness on which the clan had been built. There had been, and always would be, a preference for what was unrefined, basic, useful. 

But, you realized, this one luxury had been allowed precisely because of its usefulness – nothing basic could convey power like this. It was Cyrus’s way of shocking visitors, of scaring them. Only Cyrus could obtain tiles like this, afford tiles like this, because he had control over the central trade routes, and the armies of the plains.

The rest of the hall was not as opulent, but it was imposing. Round pillars held up the slotted ceiling above you, the floor on which you walked slightly raised when compared to the perimeter. A row of ornate, latticed window looped around all sides. The were pretty, but there was something caging about them, that echoed of imprisonment, of a jail cell with only a single, high opening in the wall. More the concept of window than an actual source of light. And so, even at this time in the afternoon, when the sun was almost as harsh as the wind, the hall was more shadow than light.

At the very end of the hall rose a set of stone steps, and at the very top of the stairs, set against a backdrop of wood carvings, was a massive throne draped in thick furs.

And while shadows mostly obscured the figure sitting there, a single beam of sunlight painted a stark stripe across his eyes.

In them was only fury.

~~~

There it was, again, the dizziness.

The eastern king leaned over, placing his hands on the map that was spread out on the oak table in front of him, eyes shut tight as he tried to ward off the vertigo.

He had been feeling better, but it still felt as if some parts of his body had not quite returned to him fully. His brain fuzzy, his ears ringing, his skin itching as if bugs crawled over it. Even thinking felt like he was trying to run through water. But still, he had been so stupid...

“Are you alright, your Majesty?” Advisor Rei asked, cautiously.

“I’m fine,” snapped the king, “Just give me a moment.”

And so the ring of advisors waited in silence, barely daring to breathe.

“Tell me of the status of the south-central kingdom,” he said, eyes still closed, head still bowed.

“We received a falcon from the general this morning. It should be absorbed within the week.”

The king nodded approvingly.

“And the mapping of the trade routes? Of the posts?”

“Going as planned,” replied Advisor Tetsin.

Only then did the King look up, locking eyes with the ring of men in front of him, a smile spreading across his lips, but never quite reaching his eyes.

“Good.”

~~~

* Part VIII Now Available Here :) *

~~~

taglist: @hwangful, @currently-xuxi, @maedesculpaeusoubi

~~~

Photo by Trude Jonsson Stangel on Unsplash  

#straykidsland #hyunjin #hyunjin smut #stray kids #stray kids smut #hyunjin fluff #hyunjin angst #strays kids fluff #stray kids angst #hyunjin fic #hyunjin fanfic #hyunjin fanfiction #hwang hyunjin #hwang hyunjin fic #hwang hyunjin fanfiction #hwang hyunjin smut #skz #skz fic #skz fanfiction #skz fanfic #stray kids fic #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fanfiction #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x you #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #skz x reader #skz x you #skz hyunjin

[izusun]

Goblin anon here absolutely screeching over feral quirkless Midoriya, it's everything I wanted

I would like to also introduce a brand (my brand) of feral to Midoriya: pyromaniac.

Imagine Midoriya getting through the entrance exam by saving people, but also by bringing makeshift Molotov cocktails and wrecking almost as much shop as Bakugou.

Imagine the battle trials where Bakugou tries to blow up the building because "that's the only way to keep this little shit down" and in response Midoriya dodges and then sets the building on fire.

Imagine the USJ incident, which goes about the same, but his first instinct is to set the Noumu on fire. Yes he does so. He also nearly sets the stadium on fire at the sports festival so much that they had to evacuate sections of the stadium.

Midoriya (say it with me now) sets Stain on fire. When Tsukauchi meets with the murder trio after the Hosu incident, he just sighs and is like "Midoriya, really?" And this is when we learn that Midoriya has a history of coming across random villains and setting them on fire. When Inko arrives to pick him up she's just like "You're grounded."

There's theories about what Midoriya's quirk, everything from increased intelligence to extremely shitty luck to the ability to make anything he touches explodes (due to his inane ability to make a bomb/lighter out of the most insane things). When it comes out that he's quirkless, it just makes everyone even more afraid, as Midoriya can make a bomb out of some LSD and a rubber duck quirkless-

Pyromaniac quirkless Midoriya.

- Goblin anon

GOBLIN ANON IT’S BEEN AGES IM SORRY IM JUST RESPONDING NOW (ive been so bad at responding asks my god i struggle but thank u for ur au dumps, i love loVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!)

IM IN LOVE WITH THIS AU

feral quirkless gremlin midoriya going through shit by setting things on fire is just the way to go im duwldjwksk

i read midoriya with molotov cocktails and i have not stopped simping for and thinking about this midoriya

genuinely swooning at this ver of him

midoriya probably has a collection of lighters and basically does those hand tricks to calm him down or to take his mind off of things

bakugou and midoriya being more familiar with each other in their middle school days compared to canon and bakugou gifting midoriya with personalized all might lighter god that’s adorable

ok but they’re talking about their favourite heroes and bakugou goes, “shocking that you don’t like endeavour.”

and midoriya just shrugs, twisting his hand and fingers to orchestrate the fire’s dance from his lighter, his viridian eyes brighter and says, “his fire feels wrong.” and they leave it at that

midoriya being inspired by bakugou’s explosions and attempting to copy those so bad that bakugou thought midoriya’s trying out for support classes

OK BUT FIGHT WITH SLUDGE VILLAIN?

he yanks out makeshift molotov cocktails from his bag, lights them up and throws them at the bastard. the sludge villain screams and retreats slightly because not only was he facing the fires but also the exploded glass shards. it gave enough time for bakugou to explode the villain and escape enough to allow him to breathe. in the end, all might still defeats the sludge but he misses bakugou and midoriya who escaped. no ofa for firey green bean.

bakugou helping midoriya create more explosions.

“but kacchba i want fire, not explosions!”

“same difference you pyro asshole!”

midoriya learns them anyways and enjoys it.

THE EXAM!!

i have two ways:

one: midoriya appealed to the staff that he needed support items and they allowed him and they watched in shock as this little boy explodes the arena worse than the explosion-quirked student. of course he passes and aizawa took him on as his student.

two: midoriya appealed to the staff that he needed his support items but the staff did NOT allow him because they’re considered weapons (as if quirks are not genetic weapons but i DIGRESS) and so when the exam starts, he stays at the very back of the other examinees. this was so that when he arrives at the scene, there are already spare parts for him to scavenge so that he can build makeshift explosions (foregoing whatever shit he learned from katsuki because all that’s on his mind right now are molotov cocktails)

so that’s what happens. he scavenges parts and hides inside one of the buildings so that he can focus more on making explosions and be less worried about being attacked. when he was fully geared, he steps out and begins to retaliate.

he works fast as to not waste his time and the makeshift explosions. because of this, others (ahem-aoyama-ahem) had no opportunity to steal his score.

same thing happens: uraraka gets caught and midoriya explodes the zero pointer. this time, however, the robot is utterly destroyed.

aizawa and majima saw midoriya’s performance, adored it, and began fighting for midoriya.

“majima, he’s here for the hero classes.”

“great. now give him to me.”

nezu pretends that he’s not planning on splitting midoriya’s schedule anyways.

BATTLE TRIAL OH MY GOD rip all might i bet you keeled over so bad, you were one second from turning to small might there and then.

all might: ok so one explodey kid to look out for. that’s not bad.

all might, one minute later: this green kid looks familiar…

all might, ten minutes later: what the fuck.

NO BECAUSE bakugou and midoriya being excited to explode things (well, more like midoriya’s excited and bakugou just wants to fight midoriya) and having a blast when fighting each other.

1a’s probably thinking “oh no” followed by “they’re hot” (literally too because yk the building’s on fire.)

MIDORIYA EXPLODING THE NOUMU??? king shit

midoriya saw this monster running to aizawa and he just points a more eloquent looking flame thrower (thank u mei for working with midoriya with that) at this beast and sets it on fire.

it effectively slowed the noumu and gave the others an opportunity to pull aizawa from the hit zone. it also granted all might more freedom when fighting the noumu because it was slowed enough that all might didn’t have to worry about exceeding his time limit.

the fire damaged some of its nerve processes that the scientist and afo had not accounted for. of course this review is returned to them and many of the noumus become fireproof because of this incident.

OK BUT DURING THE SPORTS FEST

midoriya crushing on todoroki because fire.

he was actually very interested in todoroki prior to sports fest but something about todoroki’s fight against sero sparked something more in midoriya. midoriya saw the anger from his ice, now he wants to see the same intensity from his fire.

his spiel of “that’s your power, todoroki” goes differently. todoroki still pulls him aside and trauma dumps on him but this time he goes, without missing a beat, “that fire is a waste on you.”

todoroki full body pauses because that’s not something he’s ever, well, considered to hear after trauma dumping.

“what?” he croaks, confused at the bubbling feeling. it’s a miasma of anger and hurt, but to a scale so unfamiliar.

midoriya shrugs. “fire is unique, more so as an elemental quirk. you think it doesn’t make half of you—well, i mean you’re right. it doesn’t. you make it. you control it. fire is often uncontrollable and yet here you are, having it as your power. it’s yours to control, so control it. use it.”

todoroki’s ears are ringing.

“you have it as your power.”

“so control it.”

and so he did.

midoriya watched todoki’s fire; watched the way the flames lick up up up and leaves no air bathed in heat. midoriya sees the rawness of anger and determination and thinks, “this is how fire should always look like.”

unconsciously he also thinks how todoroki’s fire is far more beautiful than endeavour’s.

midoriya loses and he’s not as sad about it. losing to something sentient (fire, not todoroki), for him, is a blessing.

todoroki advances along with bakugou.

bakugou who is jealous of todoroki because he saw how midoriya eyed todoroki’s fire and knew todoroki’s a competition in other more ways.

bakugou wins again, this time less angry because todoroki used his fire against him.

STAIN THINKING MIDORIYA’S JUST THIS WEIRD HERO STUDENT WHO HAS NO SPECIFIC QUIRK UNTIL HE FEELS FLAME KISS HIS SKIN AND SCREAMS BECAUSE DAMN IT GREEN EYED KID JUST SET HIM ON FIRE

todoroki full on pausing because he thought he’s the one who set stain on fire unconsciously only to follow the fire’s trail and sees it’s from one of midoriya’s many support items.

“shoot i didn’t mean to burn him that fast!”

“that’s your issue!?”

midoriya gives them a “duh?” look and todoroki feels himself warming up (HAH another fire pun) at midoriya’s ease.

flying noumi still comes and picks him up but midoriya also sets this thing on fire. the difference between a winged noumu and a normal noumu is that the wings are far more flammable and midoriya had quite a bit of fun at setting it on fire and hearing the crackling of flames on rubbery wings.

endeavour casts him a glance that speaks of approval and midoriya doesn’t know if he hates it or not.

tsukauchi arrives and sees not only stain, but the noumu and heaves up a very big sigh. “midoriya, really?”

GOBLIN! PYROMANIAC QUIRKLESS MIDORIYA IZUKU IS A FAVE IM SCREAMING

#goblin anon #ask #IM BACK W GOBLIN RAMBLINGS #god im still simping for tbis midoriya #goblin anon KNOWS where to HIT what a fella #bnha #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #slight #bakudeku #and #tododeku

[xodarbiox]

OKAY OKAY OKAY!

so hi tumblr, long time no see. im now obsessed with yellowjackets and as of lastnight have seen all the eps to air so far.  SPOILERY.. so if your not caught up... read at own risk Although a little creepy for my liking (the eye episode) im loving the show.  what im mainly obsessed with is who the antler people are.  so ive shared a bunch of posts from that scene and similar.  theory time. and please add yours too if you have some or add to mine.  Mari is the one in the pit... i was trying to find black haired girls and there are only a few. My first through was Lottie. but in recent episodes since shes embraced her visions shes become more confident and powerful which makes me think shes the leader, especially more since doomcoming.  now if i am wrong and it is lottie, then maybe its a vision of what is to come? now to the theory about how they select the next victim.  perhaps most of them voted that it will be random, and to give the person a chance they are to run? put in next to nothing and then kinda hunted.  ORRRRR there is 2 groups now. and this girl was separated and put into a hunted situation and let go and this is the results?  along with the scenes where the antler tribe get up to leave.  We already know misty is the one with the long fur drape over her face. she is to the left in the gif i posted.  If lottie is center Queen (because she has visions so Van and the others put her as leader) i think van is to the right, the face coverings the way she had it in Doomcoming maybe is done like that for a reason.  in the promo shots. I thought maybe the little brother is in that too.  I think Van will side with Lottie (the queen in my theory) and Tai is on the other team. separated by survival and a willingness to do what they need to do.  Akilah is someone i havent really factor in due to me not really remembering them in much of the story.  Now to who got out alive.  So far we see Nat, Shauna, Tai, Travis, Misty. --we know misty is on the Antler tribe, but the others...? We know Jackie gets back, according to a reddit post i read, in her journal that Shauna reads through on the birthday, there is movie references from years later. so unless someone wrote in things she might have liked years later, she likely got out of there, and either Committed Sui___, vanished off like travis did but didnt tell her folks, maybe Shauna is responsible. I dont think the little brother is alive in the future or someone would have told him about Travis (misty was all for tracking them down) ORRRRR he is the one behind the murder... (he did go to the séance late to “see what everyone is laughing about”) Shauna is my main suspect for all things odd. We have Tai with her sleeping thing thats been passed onto the son. so shes got an obvious issue.  Nat and her addiction, again, another obvious issue. Misty is all kinds of fucked up nutty, but her reasoning is she does shit so people need her and rely on her. she needs to feel needed. She might be crazy, but its again, obvious.  Shauna killed someone, she sliced into rabbits and deer and isnt too phased at all. She is the silent type you generally have to look out for, ANDDDDD she was the first to be cast and the first on the credit thing on the intro. (if im not mistaken) just makes me think she was cast first because she is secretly leading the entire story.  however it all went down. much like on lost. at the end of it all, no matter what happened while they were there, they all come together to protect eachothers secrets even if they didnt actually do anything bad. thats why even if some of the 2021 women didnt actually cross that line they are still in contact. (think of the attitude the 3 woman have in the later season episodes where they are there for eachother but really arent friendly, but still care)  --one more theory about the 2 group thing, maybe in the beginning someone went missing, groups split up to look, dead of winter, one group finds the missing person and they are dead or close to it, they figure there is no point wasting good meat and only bring back the meat, feed the other group but then its revealed how they got the meat and thats how the 2 groups part... if you have read to this point. thanks. i hope you add to my theories and share some of your own. if not then this is just a way for me to write down my throughts of the show. coz i dont know anyone else who watches it. nor becomes obsessed with shows like this. all the questions and clues to follow.  till next week when i hope they actually expand on the opening scene a bit more. 

#Yellowjackets #Yellowjackets theory #yellowjackets pilot #Lottie #showtime #fan theory

[camslightstories]

Tolerate it - Part 8

Lena Luthor x reader, Kara Danvers x reader, Alex Danvers x reader. Baby Danvers.

Notes: Well I hope you like it, part 9 is going to be up on Saturday, i know it may not be the best one but I think is actually better than part 7. I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you so much for your support, it feels unreal. 

I loved reading about your theories and opinions. I will gladly received any feedback, comment, opinion or request. I hope you guys a have day! Thank you for reading! I hope you guys like it!

Taglist: @multi-images @captain-josslett

Russian Translations:

А Вы, Олли? - Do you, ollie?

Ты не сказал им, не так ли? - You didn't tell them, did you?

The darkness of the night made the hideouts easier. The persistent sound of the music coming through different places made it harder to focus. The cold and loneliness of the night made the two superheroes teams stand secretly behind the warehouse. 

Standing ready for the signal to invade the place, Oliver Queen and Kara Danvers, best known as the Green Arrow and Supergirl. With comms on their ears as Lena and Felicity gave information about the event. Alex arriving with Jonn, Diggle, Nia, and Brainly ready to enter the place. 

The Danvers sister shared a look of protectiveness and caring, as Felicity gave the signal to enter. The archer looked back at his friends before entering first, with the Kryptonian no long behind. 

With the lights off, they both spoke up. Oliver throws a bomb arrow to the middle of the warehouse. “You have failed this city!”

“Why do you guys do this, knowing we are going to stop you?”And your sister getting a look from your best friend for creating a pun. 

As both of the teams caught the majority of the people in question for minutes, the criminal that had been terrorizing National City and Star city was still on the loose. As both of your sisters ran where Sinclair’s bodyguards were being put down by a blonde. Oliver stood on the top of the stage watching the whole interaction with Anatoly by his side. 

Kara felt her world stop as she heard it again. The blood pumping sound coming from your familiar chest. Alex stopping looking back at her, as the blonde stumbled with her feet, slowly falling into the floor as tears started to come out. Desperately looking around the place with a foggy mind trying to find you. Alex tried to ground her pulling her into her, whispering calming words to your sisters. 

Your best friend had already recognized you, as you flipped the table and tried to cover, throwing a tranquilizer arrow immediately, hoping to make it before Roulette could shoot you. As Kara looked up where her friend stood throwing the arrow in direction of the tattooed woman, where you stood.

Shaking Alex as she got up. She watched Roulette firing at you and hitting you, making you fall to the floor. Your redhead sister looking at her confused before your name fell out of her lips as a whisper “Y/N”

All of the comms became quiet, for a second as all of them shared a look. Your archer best friend, already with you in his arms taking your pulse. As he put pressure into the wound, looking for a pulse, finding a faint one. He screamed, “We need to get her to our place now!”

You on the arms of your sister, with the rest of the teams not long behind. Some of them are still in shock. Alex and Oliver running into the medical bed where your ex-girlfriend and Felicity stood connecting you to the machines. 

Oliver rips your dress where the wound was located, only to find an open scar and various scars in the rest of your chest. Looking over to where Felicity stood checking your vitals, recognizing the tattoo that stood on the top right of your chest. He sighed, before grabbing Alex from her shoulders getting her out of the space where you were laying. “Alex! I need you to trust me okay!?”

“I'm a doctor and she is my sister, Oliver let me pass!” Alex yelled angrily, trying to push past the archer. 

Oliver looked at her before responding as he jogged to the med space again “I can't! You are not stable and we can help her, like this you can't”

Your oldest sister stood angrily and went to enter again only to be stopped by Kara evolving her in a hug. Both of them sat on the floor as the angry tears left their eyes, blaming themselves for the situation. 

-----

The pain was the only thing that you could feel as you started to gain consciousness. The brightness hitting your eyes the moment you blinked. With a clouded mind, you slowly began to look at your surroundings, when you felt various things attached to your body. 

Slowly closing and opening your eyes, as they adjusted to the white light that illuminated the room. You went to move, only to feel the IV in your arm and the tight bandage in your abdomen.

Groaning internally as the pain increased. You heard faintly familiar voices that you couldn't make of. The cold of the place made you curse internally as it felt that it was increasing the headache. Trying to clench your fits but failing when you felt all of your strength leave your body. 

Tossing around the bed, you noticed your cuffed hand into the bed. Furrowing your eyes as you look back now, in more pain and consciousness at your surroundings. Closed walls, small medical instruments, bright surroundings. Noticing your dress on the couch you looked down to see a familiar sweatshirt and shorts only to make you sigh in annoyance, putting the dots together. 

Moving around the bed, you grabbed the V1 and took it out slowly, putting it on the table beside you. Breathing multiple times, gaining all of the strength you could have the moment, you dislocated your thumb crying in silence as you did before getting your hand out of the cuffs.

Getting up slowly, you tried to look for your gun or anything in the space, only to find none. Breathing heavily the moment you tried to walk as the pain in your abdomen overwhelmed you and made you get support on the wall. Trying to conceal now your emotional and physical feelings you clenched your fits only to bandage around them. 

Nodding after gaining a part of your self-control you started to walk out of the med bed just to see Oliver with his arms crossed over his chest, stopping you.“Y/N, can't let you do that”

“For a former assassin, you do not take the right precautions, Queen” You responded with venom in your voice, trying to walk past your best friend only to be stopped as he got in your way. Showing your free hands. 

“I got things to do, and places to be, so get out of my way Oliver” You hissed when the archer made no move, and only stepped closer to you. Oliver examined your face as he did.

Your eyes that once were full of light now filled with darkness and wall. Your face that was once filled with smiles, now it was filled with voidness. Your once warm and caring expressions were now blank. A small scar on your cheek, almost unnoticeable if you weren't in the light. Everything had changed, and for the first time in a while, Oliver felt like he was just back on the island without any hope to save you, you were long gone and he knew it. 

“Where do you think you are going to go like that?”He claimed as he grabbed your shoulder, walking in the direction of a separate room. 

You concluded the struggle against his hold, even though the pain increased as you sat abruptly on the couch. “To take the fucking smirk out of Roulettes face with satisfaction”

You murmured loud enough for him to hear, as you moved around trying to get comfortable so the pain running through your veins could go away “Don't touch me”

“What are you gonna do? Fight me?” He sarcastically said before leaning on the doorway, watching your every move. 

“I may be not scared of anything anymore, Oliver but I’m not stupid enough to fight you,” You said before moving to lay on the couch. Ignoring his every try to speak to you. 

The silence became part of you in the past years, it helped to control your emotions, your wounds, and yourself. It became your solution to your problems. Now with it by your side, it refugees you as time passes. 

Oliver stood there for two whole hours, trying to find solutions in his thoughts. Memories that were buried inside came to play as he tried to find anything to get you back. But he knew that if you got into the Bratva organization there wasn't a single thing you haven't been through, and your scars confirmed his theories. 

All of the peace and calm was broken when your redhead sister burst through the door. Infuriated, and with a resentful expression on her face. Her breath got in her throat as she clenched her fits when she saw you. 

“What the hell happened to you?” Your oldest sister said, trying to hide the broken tone coming from her voice. Standing in front of you with fear in her eyes as she did, the fear of losing you again, the fear you saw more than once in her’s and Kara's eyes in any type of crisis. 

Kara came through the door no long behind, calmer than Alex but still tense. Both of your sisters shared a look when your silence became your answer. Ignoring them you kept looking at the ceiling, with a blank emotion. 

Kara walked closer to you, putting a hand on Alex as the redhead started to yell at you for leaving, for getting shot, for killing someone, for everything. Trying to relive the madness she had for you since you left. Your blonde sister shut Alex up, as she sat on the floor facing you like you did when you were kids.

With legs crossed and hands on your laps in front of the couch, when your mom wasn't home. Your sisters and you talked about what was wrong when you were kids. There wasn't anything you would hide from each other even when you moved to National City for college after so much time of disconnection between you three, it became natural. 

But the two of them sat there for hours and you didn't even move as the time passed, the only thing you did was breathe and stare at the ceiling. It was like you were trained to be in silence, you were completely void and both of your older sisters noticed. 

Trying to defuse the tension every now and then, Kara or Alex would speak up to ask you a question, but you remained silent. The rest of the teams stood in the Arrow cave, some of them more worried and confused than the others. Felicity had already spoken to Oliver. She had noticed the tattoo on your arm which did not pass by her remembering the same tattoo her husband once had on his left shoulder. 

Lena buried herself in her hands, as she tried to make sense of the situation. Many things had happened in the last few years, and many mistakes she had made, now we're basically feeling impossible to recover. Her foggy mind and unbalanced feelings all over the place.

Pulling herself up, Alex walked out of the room after sharing a look with Kara, when you kept silent and motionless. Oliver, Felicity, and Lena walked up to her as soon as she got out, with tears in her eyes, the redhead went to speak but was beaten by the archer. “She is not talking, is she?”

Alex nodded slowly before getting out of the way so the four of them could walk into the room. 

Noticing the now five standing figures in front of you, you remained in silence. The pain somehow became bearable as time passed, and with the control of your physical and mental feelings. You were basically the same person, Oliver once was. 

You seated back and examined each one of them. Oliver remained with a simple expression of worries, with his arms crossed, trying to find the words to get you to talk. Felicity stood on the far right with the table in her hand, as she searched for any part of your old self. Alex stood with her arms crossed, tears threatening to come out but still a desperate expression on her face. Kara was closer than the rest, with hope in her eyes, but a flash of pain and resentment in them too. Opening and closing her mouth multiple times as she cleaned the angry tears coming from her eyes. Lena stood upright looking at you like a ghost. Gripping to the sleeves of her sweater as she stared, biting her lip while trying to make the tears not come out.

“What do you want?” You claimed as you played with your hands, glancing at each one of them. Oliver remained calm, and not surprised when your cold and indifferent tone of voice hit them. While the three women felt their breathing get caught in their throats. 

Your best friend took a step closer to you, with a challenging look in his eyes as both of you connected glances. He was pushing your buttons so you would overwhelm yourself, but you knew better than that. You had seen him and your sisters do the same thing a lot of times, so you played along. “You know what we want”

“А Вы, Олли?” You said not looking anywhere else but his eyes. Your sisters and Felicity looked shocked, as you spoke while Lena understood you perfectly, furrowing her eyebrow in confusion. What were you hiding? 

When the archer didn't respond, you took your turn again, this time with a sarcastic chuckled as you did. “Ты не сказал им, не так ли?”

Oliver looked at you annoyed before rubbing his temples, Lena got closer only to be stopped when your oldest sister angrily yelled at you. “What the hell happen to you?”

If she would have done it three years ago, you would have flinched. Surprising your sisters and Lena when you didn't. Instead, you looked void, and with your eyes challenging Alex with determination and calmness with nothing to fear. No one had ever challenged your sister, everyone feared the redhead, except for you.

You had lost all of your fears in the past years. You weren't scared of death or anything else. You became blank, it didn't matter to you, if you died or if you were alive. You didn't have anything to live for, but you also didn't have anything to die for. So you survived. 

“Nothing of your damn business, Alexandra” You responded going back to laying on the couch. Your two sisters and ex-girlfriend exchanged looks, having a silent conversation. You had never called her that, it was always, Alex, Al, Allie, Bear Bear. That scared the hell out of both of them, tears coming out as they walked out of the room slamming the door as they did.

You weren't there, you weren't yourself, you weren't the person who had once loved them infinitely, you weren't the person they had once comforted after having a nightmare, you weren't the person who danced and sung around the kitchen as you cooked, you weren't the person who took their camera everywhere so you could captivate moments with them, you weren't the person who was an absolute child during each holiday, you weren't the person who would drop everything to make you sure they were okay, you weren't the person who cried themselves to sleep when you had disappointed them, you weren't the person who tried to be funny, you weren't the person who was distinguished for being clumsy.

You weren't the person they once knew, you were gone and deep down they all knew it.

#baby danvers #lena luthor x reader #lena luthor #alex danvers x reader #kara danvers x reader #supergirl imagine

[taardisblue]

hii i dont think we´ve ever really talked before but i just wanted to say ive been really enjoying your tags on thoschei posts in the last couple of days!

like this:

#please tell me someone has written a fic focused on missy receiving that and looking for 12#all the way to her deciding to involve Clara#bc ok#I don’t believe she *needed* Clara to find him not really#earth; noise but no threat; a party; she could have figured it out#but that makes it even more interesting bc that means she *chose* to involve Clara#part of it is probably just that she likes her djdjjd#but it’s interesting bc it’s like the master is always torn#bc they want to be the centre of the doctor’s attention with no distractions but the companions....they’re so /useful/ aren’t they#such a lovely stick with which they can push the doctor’s buttons#easy to threaten easy to kill#and back then they didn’t feel threatened by them; bc in the end the master remained the doctor’s only equal —or so they thought#but *now*?? now the master has found out he’s as temporary to the doctor as every single pet she’s ever had? oh ho ho

and this:

#honestly my KINGDOM for an ep that leads a companion to realizing (AND POINTING OUT!!!) how similar they are#I would have Loved for it to be Ryan but I’d love to see Yaz handling that too#they have this fundamental difference in how they perceive the world#but they also grew up together#the two kids who were smarter than everyone else#who skipped classes together and dared each other to do stupid shit and even NOW#THOUSANDS of years and countless civilizations and deaths and lives and who knows what else later#.....it still shows#they still act the same they still react in the same ways they are still in /sync/#which is why a doctor master team up WOULD kill me in every possible way#can you imagine?? the two of them bouncing theories and plans and strategies off of each other#rapid fire and breathless and /grinning/ and lowkey insulting each other but in a teasing *oh so fond* way#they wouldn’t even realize they were doing it#neither of them

this:

#like worth mentioning that as they flirt and trade quips and rapid fire ideas and grins#Bill is RIGHT THERE#after going through the worst year of her life#and slowly coming to the realization that she’s going to have to die to fix this#dw#but these two are just......so absorbed with each other#with the sheer /glee/ of having someone match them match their speed match their intellect#not that I expected missy to be particularly considerate but /12/????#he’s so /caught/ in the simple *fun* of having someone match him and challenge him that he forgets. just for a second.#hc that I’m treating as canon: that’s what it was like back in school for them#it’s what they were like back at the academy#trading insanely fast ideas and concepts in half sentences that were incomprehensible to everyone but them#riding the high of having someone just /understand/ whatever it is you’re getting at without needing long dull explanations

like sorry to quote your own words back to you but im just really enjoying all your thoschei thoughts thanks for them <3

Hi!! First off, apologies for the delayed response, I queued all these posts in a sudden thoschei haze before going off on holiday somewhere with very limited internet access lol, but this was lovely to come back to!! As fun as rambling in Tumblr tags can be, imo the real fun of meta comes from discussing it with people so this is!!! Very exciting!!!!

I’m going to be rambling a bit more below about the different things you bolded bc I will literally take any opportunity to type about these two for hours kjdfhgfd

using a read more bc this got uh. long. whoops!

The Master vs the Doctor’s companions

I could talk for DAYS about this bc it is fascinating to me. Pre TTC, you’ve got the Master’s arrogance coming out in full force when it comes to the companions (very time lord of him btw lol). They’re not threats, not really, even if the Doctor gets attached, bc they are fundamentally temporary.

(imo, that’s part of the reason why they’re so very hateful towards Jack, bc Jack /is/ immortal, and potentially /could/ be a threat; luckily for them, the doctor is always an ass where jack harkness is concerned kjdfghfk)

but yes, since the companions could never be on the Doctor’s level, they’re not a proper threat (it’s the ‘you’re the puppy’ thing Missy says to Clara). but! that does not mean they can’t be useful and/or even fun. The Doctor’s always out there trying to defend/save humans, sure, but with the companions, they’re /attached/, which means it’s even more fun to threaten them, bc it makes it easier to get a reaction out of the Doctor. But I also think sometimes the Master ends up kinda liking the companion? Missy and Clara is number one example in my mind and g o d, I’m not by any means a s8/9 expert but Missy and Clara are so FUN. I could do paragraphs, but instead I will just link my favorite fic involving them (it also involves 12, and bill, in the final chapter, AND it’s in my humble opinion arguably the funniest dw fic on ao3)

But! This is all pre-TTC! Back when the Master could rely on the Doctor being their equal, and, vice versa, on their being the Doctor’s (only) equal; back when the Master still knew that no matter what happened, in the end, it’d be them and the doctor together, just like they’d started.

Except that now the Doctor’s had this whoooole entire life (lives!!!!) before they met the Master. And they will keep having more of those, after the Master. The Master is now /temporary/. The Master is now a companion like any other.

In short: ouch

(As an aside, this is my read on what I believe is the Master’s thought process; imo, in the Doctor’s mind, the Master is still very much apart, regardless of whether you subscribe to that ‘the master is the kid who pushed bby!doctor off that cliff’ theory, but that’s a different essay altogether)

I think it’s fairly interesting, if slightly frustrating when writing fic lol, that we don’t really see the Master interact with the fam, or at least not out of disguise. As O, he’s his usual meddling self; trying to pique Graham’s curiosity about the doctor, messing with Yaz a little… but beyond that, he doesn’t really acknowledge them much. Could be linked to the plot, sure, but to me it also makes sense that he’d be a lot less personal with the companions than, say, Missy was. He v much encourages their being turned into Cybermen (which…. after bill?? dude. like I know it’s on purpose, (and Dhawan!Master vs the vault and Missy’s arc is its own rant) but dude.), but it’s, once more, mostly about upsetting the Doctor, more than about the companions specifically (then again, in TTC, he’s fairly one-track bc he’s revealing everything). All that to say, this is reason n°3453 why I’d like him to make a comeback next series or in the specials; I’m so curious to know whether he’d try to mess with Yaz more specifically, or if his new found ''''companion'''' status would make him Not Want To Do That

The similarities between the Doctor and the Master

This is one of the many, many things that make me go absolutely feral about them. Beyond the Master’s newfound belief that the Doctor is now some kind of god or w/e, the fact remains that these two??? They are so similar that it HURTS.

They of course have this fundamental difference in how they see the world, and have had it for a while (although, despite my abysmal knowledge of classic who, I do attribute this difference at least partly, to the Doctor’s travels with Ian and Barbara, and then generally to the influence their companions have had on them), /but/…. There’s still a reason why they became so close at the Academy, why they clicked together so well, and why they’re still now, thousands of years later, orbiting each other with absolutely no way to pull back. At their core, these two are still the two smart as hell kids who’d trade ideas and thoughts and concepts at a thousand miles a minute, and just be so gleeful that they have someone who can match them, match their speed, and understand exactly what they’re getting at. It also means they were probably insufferable, but let’s be real, they still are, and that’s why we love them.

It’s something we get a pretty good look at in s10, notably in the scene in the monks ep where Missy has 12 guess how the monks work, and it’s one of the many reasons why I adore that series. Bc despite all their history, they still fall back into that rhythm in seconds, and they don’t even notice. A team up with 13 and Dhawan!master would be even more captivating imo, bc they are so hostile. It’d have to be forced by exterior circumstances (and I don’t think even that would exclude 13 decking him at some point or other), but the fact is…. They are Still similar, despite both their beliefs that they’re not, and seeing them fall back into that synchronicity??? Into that back and forth??? My KINGDOM for this, chibs, please.

The funniest part is that they’d BOTH deny it. It’s not like Missy trying to prove that they’re not so different; the Master now also believes they’re no longer alike, but an outside eye like a companion? Like Yaz (aka a companion who has gone from hero worship of the Doctor to having had months to obsess over everything the Doctor has ever done (including possibly the darker things 👀) + being (I think??) a lot more wary of the Doctor (one day you will [leave again]); Yaz would see it, and she’d call it out and for all the Doctor would deny it…. She’d see it too.

This is WAY longer than I expected and I hope it makes some kind of sense (I am not used to having to structure meta thoughts outside of discord messages and Tumblr tags so apologies if this is helplessly rambly jdhgf), but!! It was very fun!! Thank you for the ask and the opportunity!!

#Ask #you-have-to-use-your-imagination #thoschei #dw #meta #ty for the ask!!! #rambling about fictional millennia old aliens is one of my top 5 hobbies so this was delightful #I’ve been trying to wrangle most of these thoughts into a fic since about…January but it is much easier to express them like this lol #additional thoughts about the similarities point: #I am at any point dedicating about 15% of my brain power to thinking about that video #where Sacha Dhawan has to guess which lines are the doctor’s or the master’s #and he gets it /wrong/ bc once you move past the obviously evil stuff they’re basically both cocky assholes dhjfg #second thought: #if we can’t have a team up I will take a body swap #bc A I need to see Jodie play a body swap ep with a somewhat evil character more than I need to breathe #and B bc they’d swap and /not get caught/ until they chose to #they could literally be body swapped and have no one notice for like. An entire ep or near enough I think #(if they so chose of course and weren’t taken by surprise) #and THAT makes me lose my entire mind #final thought bc i am running out of tags i think: #the sheer /tragedy/ of the master being convinced that TTC means they are no longer the same #when imo it makes them more similar than ever AND means #that the doctor could /really/ use her best friend for support? unparalleled

[phlox238]

i wrote a pretty long rymin fic and half of it is min being anxious and getting advice from a lesbian at a gay bar,,, it sucks but here it is anyway

2.5k words this is the most ive ever written

"So," The girl began, gesturing wildly with her hands. "You think you're in love with your best friend, who you've known since you were born, and you're in a band and traveling across Canada and the USA with. What did you say your name is?" 

"Oh, fuck." Min-gi sighed, letting his head rest in his hands. "This is weird, isn't it? I barely know you."

"Nah, I just thought that, if we're going to have a slightly drunk chat in the back of a gay bar, then we should know each other's names. I'm Eryn, and you?" Eryn stuck out her hand, the many bracelets she wore on her wrist clanking together. 

Min chuckled a little, then took her hand and shook it. Her dark skin was warm, which was surprising, since this part of the bar was near freezing. "Min-gi. But you can call me Min." 

"Awesome. So, tell me about it, Min." Eryn tightened her ponytail, leaning forward on her arms. 

"Tell you what about it? There's so many things that I could say." He was so caught up in this gay crisis stuff that he hadn't even considered stopping for a moment to really think about it.

Eryn shrugged. "Whatever you want to say. Get stuff off your chest, just let it out, if you want to. There's like, nobody else back here. Doesn't really matter, right? I'm not judgy." 

"Okay...well, he has a girlfriend, first of all; has had many of them. So he's not into dudes." Min crossed his arms. 

"Hey, he could still be. Just because he dates women doesn't mean he's straight. Could still be into guys. Don't give up hope just yet, okay?" Eryn laced her fingers together, as if she was planning something. The dark lighting of the bar didn't help anything.

“Damn,” Min rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t know you could like both.”

Not without laughing at him first, Eryn started to explain. "Oh, wow, you really are new to this, huh?" She chuckled a little more, shaking her head. “That’s okay. There’s a lot of different ways to love people, you just gotta figure out what works for you. Oh, also; it isn’t just both. There’s the genderqueer people, too, don’t forget about them!” She smiled. 

Min didn’t quite know what genderqueer meant, but he figured he could find out later. He was asking too many questions already. "Damn...how do you know all of this? I only realized I was, er, gay, like six months ago."  Min marveled at her, the same way a nerd at school would marvel at the 'cool kids.' And honestly, she really looked like one, with her ponytail and undercut, her yellow, patched leather jacket, even the flashy jewelry she wore.

It made Min want to start dressing differently. Dressing cooler, like Ryan, like Eryn. Maybe he could.

Eryn grinned wider. "Oh, you know. It's just things you pick up along the way. I've known that I'm lesbian for a long time, since I was like 11. And I'm 21 now, so that's a long time. Lots of experience." She shuffled a little in her seat, taking another drink of beer. "Anyway. We're getting off track, aren't we? Keep talking, man." 

Min laughed, a real laugh. "Okay, okay. A year ago, we, er…" He reached desperately for an explanation for the train, but decided that, just maybe, he could tell her. Really, the worst that she could think of him is that he's a drug user. "Can I tell you something? It's going to sound absolutely insane, probably, but I just. Need to tell someone." 

She looked concerned, her dark brown eyes wide, but nodded anyway. "That's real ominous. But sure, go for it."

"Okay. So. Stick with me, here. A year ago, him and I got on a train, right? But then, there was another train door within the train. We just...went into the door. Well, the bastard threw my keys into it and then ran in, so how could I not follow?" Eryn was looking at him intently like she understood. Min could tell he was pretty drunk by now; he'd never be able to open up to someone this much sober. But that's okay. More than okay, really. 

"It gets even weirder from then on. Ryan- that's his name, by the way- and I woke up on a giant, infinie train in the middle of nowhere. Gotta be pretty unbelievable, though. You probably think I'm on drugs." Min sighed.

Eryn was silent for a moment, but it was obvious she was getting ready to explode. "Dude, no fucking way!" Yep, there it was. "I got on that train! When I was eleven. I was super conflicted on my sexuality, had a shit ton of internalized homophobia as a result of having homophobic family. I felt like a disgusting person. So I got on the train, and it actually helped me through it." She'd completely lit up when Min mentioned the train. Looked like she was going to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. 

For a moment, Min was speechless. Soon, though, he regained his voice. "You're kidding," was all he could muster.

"Nope." Eryn's grin nearly reached her ears. "Did you have someone to help you along, too? There was a white cat named Samantha for me. She was French, for some reason. But I miss her." 

"Oh! Yeah, Ryan and I had a floating, talking bell named Kez. Weird, right?. I miss her, too. Wonder how she's doing." Min thought for a second, completely and utterly relieved to have met someone else to share an experience with. Then something clicked. "Hold on...I might have met this cat you speak of. Yellow eyes? Uh, blonde...hair?" 

"Blonde hair? Well, she didn't have that. But yeah, yellow eyes, French accent." Eryn nodded. They were silent for a moment. 

Min chuckled, suddenly getting the urge to continue on with their story. Telling someone about the train would feel wonderful. "We had a lot of...issues...regarding our friendship, at the time. That's why the train picked us up in the first place." He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "The train did help us. But we had a lot of weirdly intimate moments on it, and that's where my sexuality crisis started. Like, there was a car where we had to perform a song with each other to get out of it, and of course I got stage fright right before it. I left him alone on stage. Again." Min paused, the guilt almost making him feel like he was living through that moment again. 

Eryn nudged him. "And? That doesn't sound intimate. What happened next?" 

"I hid in the bathroom. So he came in, and at first he was angry, but I was having a full on anxiety attack. We sat in the bathtub, hip to hip, knee to knee. It was weird, but nice. He helped me calm down. And like...in our last year of Highschool, I gave him a shirt with our band name on it. In that bath tub, he had it with him. He kept it. Said he'd never done a show without it." Min laughed, but there wasn't much humor about it. "Man, I wanted to kiss him so bad right then and there. But I didn't." 

Eryn had a soft look in her eyes. "I dunno about you, but that sounds pretty damn gay to me. Maybe he's just dating other people to distract himself from his crush on you, who knows! All I'm trying to say is, don't give up on this, Min. You two have something going on, I don't know what, but it could blossom into a relationship." She patted him on the shoulder, then took another drink of her beer. 

Min did the same. "What if he's not gay?" His voice was small. "Worse, what if he's homophobic? I don't know...fuck, it's terrifying. I could lose him because I'm gay." 

"Well," Eryn paused for a moment, "you could try and subtly bring it into conversation. Maybe, like, bring up a celebrity who's gay. See his reaction." She gestured with her hands a lot, Min noticed. 

Min nodded. It seemed simple in theory, but he knew he'd manage to fuck it up somehow. The logical part of his brain knew Ryan wouldn't leave him for being gay, but at the same time, there was this voice in the back of his head. Irrational thoughts, irrational fears; that's all it spoke of. 

"Thank you. Really. It's been nice to talk about this, especially with someone who's been on the train. That thing is...a freak of nature. Maybe not even nature, I don't know. I'll try that with him, too." Min said finally, after some silence. Eryn laughed. 

"Yeah, it absolutely is." She smiled widely. Eryn glanced around, her eyes finally landing on the only visible clock in this part of the bar. Her eyes widened. "Shit, I should really get going! Sorry. I told my girlfriend I'd be back around now." She, out of nowhere, gave Min a hug. It'd been a while since he'd hugged anyone, he realized, and it felt nice. Although, very unexpected. 

Min hugged her back, sort of awkwardly. They separated soon after.

"That's okay. Again...thank you, so much. I should get young too." By now, it was almost 11 pm, and he figured he should leave as well. Ryan should be back at their apartment soon enough. 

Min was about to turn and leave, but Eryn stopped him.

"Hey! How about we exchange phone numbers? This was a good chat, eh? I'd like to stay in contact." Eryn searched her pockets for a pen and some paper, but only found a marker. "Can I, like, write it on your arm and you can do the same?"

Min knew Ryan would tease him over it, but oh, well, he made a new friend. "Yeah, that's fine." He laughed, offering her his arm. She quickly scribbled her number on it, and honestly, it was barely legible. But he could read it, somewhat. 

He then wrote his number on her arm, they exchanged goodbyes, and were on their way. Min dreaded returning to Ryan, who would definitely start to go on and on about his girlfriend, and just prove to make Min feel worse about his stupid crush.

But maybe, just maybe, Eryn was right. Maybe things would finally go his way for once. 

•••

Min's walk home was quiet (as quiet as New York can be at night) and cold, it being the middle of November. Snow was just beginning to fall. Being outside Eryn's words stuck in his head like glue. Talk to him. As if he could do that. The idea of even just mentioning anything close to being gay made anxiety rise in his throat like bile. 

He couldn't. Probably.

Before he could think much more on it, he was home. Home. Back to the decent one bedroom apartment they'd scraped up all of the money in their pockets to buy. Back to the scent of cigarette smoke in the air, back to the strange stains on the carpet in the hallway. Most importantly, back to Ryan. No matter how much resentment Min-gi might hold to him for having a girlfriend, Ryan usually made things better. 

He walked up the stairs and down the hall to apartment number 202, ironically. Unlocked and opened the door to find it dark inside save for a single lamp. Min walked in, curious, just to find Ryan curled up in the fetal position on the sofa. That really made him anxious.

"Hey...Ryan? You good, man?" Min sat on the empty portion of the sofa, near his head. 

Ryan stirred, rolling over onto his back. His head was resting a bit on Min's thigh, and it felt kind of nice. 

"I dunno…" He mumbled. "She broke up with me." 

"What?" Min looked down at Ryan, surprised. "Lisa? You're kidding." 

"Nope, not kidding." Ryan laced his fingers together over his stomach. "The thing is...I'm like, kind of relieved that she did it? How fucked up is that?"  

Min tilted his head in confusion. He really wanted to run his hand through Ryan's hair, but that was a really inappropriate thought for the moment. 

"She, uh...said some things. When she broke up with me." He sighed. "Called me a fag." Ryan laughed, like he found it funny. Min didn't. 

"Dude, what? Why?" Min's voice was a little shaky, for no other reason than that they were talking about gay people. 

Ryan sighed. "Take a good look at us, Min." He brought his forearm up to cover his eyes. "We're two dudes, living in a one bedroom apartment together. We do everything together. Of course she's gonna think there's something going on." 

Min felt like he was going to fucking disintegrate. "U-Uh...and that's a bad thing?"

"I mean...no. It just kind of clicked that...maybe she's right. Maybe I am gay." Ryan sat up, his back facing towards Min. He didn't look back. " I always assumed that I'd be straight, but this...it makes sense. None of my relationships have ever worked out. With women." 

Min reached out and gently touched his shoulder. "Ryan...it's okay." 

Ryan looked back, now, and his eyes were watery. Min frowned.

“How could it be okay?” His voice cracked as he spoke. “It’s just another reason for people to hate me. For my parents to hate me. Hell, maybe even you.” By the time that he finished talking, his voice was almost inaudible. 

"No!" Min almost shouted, jolting forward. "No. Ryan, I could never hate you." Fuck, how was he supposed to tell Ryan he's gay now? Part of him wanted to shout it out impulsively, but the other part, it just wanted to keep hiding. Because what if something goes wrong? What if Ryan's in love with someone else? All what ifs. He really needed to stop. 

Min inhaled deeply. Here goes. "This is gonna sound really coincidental, but...I'm gay too." 

Quickly, Ryan turned around to face Min. His eyes were wide behind his glasses. 

"What? No fucking way. You're kidding." Ryan was leaning forward, using his fists to prop him up. 

Min shook his head. "No...I'm not. I was gonna tell you soon anyway, but now seemed like a good time." He scratched his head awkwardly.

Then, Ryan launched at him, hugging him. Arms wrapped around his neck, knees touching Min's thighs, the whole package. Min was sure he'd die with how flushed his face was; but thankfully, he didn't. 

After what felt like a while, Ryan finally spoke. 

"I love you." He mumbled into Min's shoulder. 

Min paused. "In a gay way, or…?" 

Ryan laughed. "Yeah, you idiot." He shook his head in amusement. 

"Good. That's...great." He hugged Ryan tighter, finally letting himself run his fingers through his hair. It was soft, just like he expected. "I love you too." 

#rymin #infinity train #infinity train book 4 #ryan akagi #min gi park #infinity train season 4

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 21 - Losing My Religion

Masterlist; Chapter 20

Summary: After Tallinn, you use the opportunity and visit Neil’s apartment. What you find there, only increases the confusion, just as the pieces are set for the endgame.

Warnings: Swearing; angst.

Author’s Notes: This was a challenge, and it’s a little different too, a breather before the real fun begins... or something. After this we move onto the icebreaker... (and things). I’ll shut up now, hope you’ll enjoy and all kind of feedback are greatly welcomed! 

The clean up after TP’s little accident on the highway was difficult. And tiring. By the time you have dealt with the mess and could call it a day, you wanted nothing but to sleep. And also disappear from the face of the Earth. That second thing was rather tricky to achieve. Unfortunately. You had to settle for the slightly awkward space given by the rest of the team and the fact that you were bound to return to London the next day. That was something. Even if it meant having to debate whether those damned keys were to be used.

The journey back was uneventful. Only Wheeler seemed capable of talking to you without looking as though she has been trapped in some metaphorical web of ineptitude that the others got caught in. That was alright. At least she knew how that conversation in the container went. Her company was good enough to keep you from going insane for the time being.

The moment the car arrived at the London quarters, you practically bolted out through the door. Eager to finally have your own space to reflect, cry, and try to move on after the unimaginable. But it was not exactly meant to be given…

“Y/N, wait!” Ives’ voice rung out through the reception hall as you skidded down the corridor.

Crap.

“Yeah?” cautiously, you stopped in your tracks, facing the squad leader.

Making the mistake of glancing at the reception desk, you met Anna’s watchful gaze. Of course. Even though you knew she had no clue about anything that transpired between you and Neil, it still felt like a painful reminder.

“I…uh...” the hesitation in Ives’ voice made you frown, “I just got this, and I’m not sure…” he passed you his phone with a strange expression on his face.

A text from TP. Just like the ones you received before. Right… This one had a familiarly succinct form: “Invert for eight days with the army from tomorrow. Then get to Trondheim, awaiting further instructions”

“Is this from him?” you looked up to see the blue eyes boring into yours with confusion.

“Yeah, it must be” you nodded and handed him back the phone.

At that exact moment, you got a text as well. Hurriedly you took out the device and read the message:

“Invert along with Ives and the rest”.

Short and simple. Yet not at all. Without a word, you showed your companion the text message and stifled a heavy sigh. Inversion. Eight days. Trondheim. That most likely confirmed your worst fears. The end of it all was near, and you were needed there. You, Neil, and everyone else still had their parts to play in the most important of showdowns.

“So, I guess we’re going back” you could feel Ives’ inquisitive stare on you “Just like they are” he added, awaiting a response.

Meeting Neil after those eight upcoming days sounded like a nightmare. Because a week was never enough to fall out of love. Or to even attempt it. You were a lost cause.

“…yep” nodding halfheartedly, you could feel another weight settle on your shoulders.

“Excited?” the intensity of Ives’ look convinced you towards his intentions.

Evidently, he tried to get a clue towards your state, probably assessing whether you could endanger the mission in any way. Despite everything, you were a professional. A Tenet agent. That had to come before any personal issues you might have had. Forcing a smile, you met his gaze with sincerity.

“Not really” a shrug completed the response.

But it was enough as he grinned back and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly.

“It’s alright. Have today off and be ready tomorrow morning,” he ordered with a feigned sternness.

“Aye aye, sir” you saluted, enjoying the laugh it prompted.

Maybe not everything was utterly shit.

“Your edge is still intact, I see,” he commented once the laughter died down.

“At least something is then” you grimaced slightly and walked off with a wave.

A day off. What could one possibly do with something like that after everything? The set of keys in your pocket felt heavy for something that small. And insignificant (in theory).

*** It took you one hour of staring at the wall, a thirty-minute-long shower, and two coffees to decide to make use of the keys. After all, what was the harm? It was a way of spending the idle hours. And maybe to understand him a little better. Even if it was too late to save anything. You wanted to know him. To know his mind and heart. You dug out the note with the address Ives gave you and typed it into the maps app. Your hands were shaking the whole journey. Even though it was not far, it turned out to be challenging. Often you were catching yourself glancing at the phone, expecting him to call or text as he always did.  But then you remembered, making the nerves come to the surface again. You wondered whether it was because of the absolute wreckage your relationship became or because you were unable to contact him in any way. Walking the streets leading to Neil’s apartment, you realised that it was probably both. You missed him. Simple as that. And equally complicated at the same time.

Google maps led you to an old docking space transformed into posh loft spaces in two store buildings of dark red brick. The residential area was completed with a large parking lot (full of rather good cars), making the first question of the day pop into your head: Did Neil have a private car? Something that unimportant yet entirely mundane only made you realise how little you knew of his life. But this was exactly why you came here. The second thought was something you always knew yet never took time to ponder on: the fact that he undeniably had money. It did not matter, of course. Just another fact that could as a trigger for the intrusive ideas to appear.

Ignoring the spiraling thoughts, you made your way to the indicated building, keying in the code at the door and following the stairs to the second floor. The apartment door no 4 looked like any other you have passed on the way. Turning the key in the lock, you took a deep breath, gathering courage for god knows what. Perhaps just being alone with everything that had to do with Neil… The door opened soundlessly. Faint daylight from the corridor fell onto the furniture and objects gathered in the hall, helping your eyes adjust to the darkness. You closed the door and locked it. The least you could have wanted was for someone to break in on your watch. Now that would have made him hate you. If he didn’t already, that is. Taking off the shoes, you scanned the hall. Hooks with various jackets and coats on the wall. Including a slightly weathered leather one that perked your interest. With fingers ghosting the material, you were unable to block the images of Neil wearing it. That was enough to make you blush and curse out loud. That won’t help with getting over him. As though that was even possible.

Next, your eyes landed on the shoes rack in the corner showing off Neil’s questionable taste in footwear. You grimaced when spotting another pair of brogues (that would have to go… if there was any future for you) and then smiled involuntarily at something as casual as old converse on the top shelf of the rack. So, he could dress more… normally. Interesting.

The rest of the space was filled with a large mirror and a cupboard full of random objects such as spare lightbulbs, shoe care products, and cleaning supplies. On top of that cupboard, there was a succulent (practical, you had to admit), a desk calendar, and a small notepad filled with Neil’s writing. The contents ranged from shopping lists to quantum physics, making you grin fondly when looking through the pages. The latest entry was written down in haste and barely eligible. What you deciphered made your heart stumble for the first time that day. It seemed like Neil was planning to invite you over after Tallinn, prepare dinner, and apparently do all that ‘he wanted to for a while’. Brilliant. The notepad fell from your hands as the implications dawned on you. He wanted to set everything straight, to talk and potentially tell you important things… But now, it did not matter. There was no post-Estonia. Just you alone in his cold, darkened apartment, full of doubts, regrets, and worries.

Shivering from both the chill and the anxiety, you ventured into the living room. It was an open space with a large leather sofa, TV, record player with shelves full of albums and vinyls. There were also bookcases filled to the brim and a dining table for four. Once your gaze fell onto the black piano in the corner, you did a double-take. Obviously, Neil was musically talented. All those times when he has been desperate to annoy you by singing various corny love songs in public were an indisputable example. A moment like that from Tallinn flashed before your eyes…

You and Neil sat in a restaurant on one of the ‘dates’ you had managed to fit into the schedule before TP arrived in Estonia. Cozied up in the corner on a comfortable sofa, you felt perfectly at peace. Instead of taking the seat opposite, Neil got as close as it was possible without raising eyebrows of the fine clientele. You were chatting about everything and nothing, occasionally taking sips of the coffees and letting your hands rest on each other’s knees. Other times they would be interlocked on the table between the plates, showing to the world that this was no platonic meetup. Using the natural break in the conversation, you finished the remains of your latte and watched as Neil focused on the radio somewhere in the background. By this point, you should have known better, but still, the second he started singing took you by surprise.

‘Pretty woman I don't believe you, you're not the truth No one could look as good as you, mercy’

His gaze settled on you without that mercy, awaiting a response. His lips curled into a deadly smirk, making the matters worse. For a moment, you wanted to ignore him, to deny him the satisfaction. But the way he stared, enunciating the song lyrics with precision and aiming them at you, triggered the familiar desire to stake your claim. To make him (and everyone else) understand that he was yours. Especially with a voice that beautiful and eyes that looked at you with boundless affection.

‘Pretty woman that you look lovely as can be Are you lonely just like me’

It was the cheesy growl at the end of that stanza that did it. Combined with the huskiness of Neil’s voice and his hand appearing on your thigh underneath the table, it was enough to convince you to shut him up the best way you knew. You leaned in, placing your palm on the inside of his thigh, just close enough to remind him. Capturing his lips in a kiss, you did not have to wait long for Neil to invite you closer. You began the intimate dance, getting lost in the moment entirely. With him being in public did not matter. Especially not when he was giving you everything he could on a silver plate. Those days every kiss threatened to evolve into a full make-out session as you tried to get ever closer to him. That is why when you heard an awkward cough followed by “Miss, Sir, I’m sorry, but I need to ask you to leave” you could only start laughing. That was two days before your walk, which ended in the alley. The rest was history.

Shaking your head slightly, you let go of the memory. Has it gotten even colder? Shivering, you spotted a sweater draped on the side of the sofa. Crossing the space, you glanced at the instrument that caught your attention. A simple black Kawai piano with a Chopin music score opened on the fallboard and the stool underneath. If there even was a future, you wanted to hear him play something. You could almost picture it. Those long, elegant fingers on the black and white keys, hitting every note with perfection and the flourish he applied to every single task. His gaze focused. Golden hair falling into his eyes carelessly. Lips parted, tongue poking out in concentration. He was bound to be a sight as usual.

Ignoring the waking up flutters that always accompanied every thought about Neil, you picked up the sweater. It was the colour of dark red wine, simple and yet sophisticated in its simplicity. Cashmere. He really is posh. Giving in to the sudden whimsy, you breathed in the smell. That was a mistake. The moment Neil’s essence overwhelmed your senses, you felt a surge of feelings. The musky scent, the hints of bergamot and lavender that always brought comfort. Before you could second guess everything, you put the sweater on, letting the smell envelope you like his hugs always did. It was another thing that you missed. The ability to rest within his strong embrace, safe and wanted. The feeling of his arms cradling you with care. Without the solidity beneath your hands, it was hard to remember how it felt. The sweater had to do. You rolled up the sleeves and approached the large window, drawing back the curtains to see the view and let in light. The sight certainly was not disappointing with the lookout on the Thames and the docking ships. The area looked peaceful, like the place you could want to go out on walks and spend the rest of your life… No, stop. That was a dangerous line of thinking. After all, you only came here to satisfy the curiosity. And because you could, with nothing left to lose. Well, maybe apart from your sanity.

With the day shedding some light onto the furniture and objects in the room, you could more closely assess the type of person Neil was. The décor was rather posh (nothing surprising there) with leather, dark wood, and refined fabrics gracing the space. But upon a closer look, you could see the hints of Neil’s personality shining through the bounds of the stereotypes. It was visible in the chaos of the little details. Billy Idol album discarded on the CD player making you smile. The dying plants on the windowsill. The opened book on the coffee table right next to a bar of chocolate and some bullets. What even… 

Looking around the space, you could easily picture him there. It was like entering a museum of Neil’s life and heart, and you were just a mere visitor. A trespasser even though you had the keys. Lost in the thoughts, you approached the bookshelves, looking over the titles. Young and Freedman’s University Physics with Modern Physics with a worn-out spine and a library stamp on the title page (a theft?). Griffith’s Introduction to Quantum Mechanics with scribbles on the margins, making your head hurt. More Quantum Mechanics but only getting increasingly complex. Spacetime and Geometry. In between the textbooks, there were classics of English and American literature, proving your theory that Neil knew the canon well. All those quotations had to come from somewhere… You looked over the further titles relating to the nuclear area of Physics and relativity of time, only to be thrown out of the moment when your eyes landed on a photograph in a wooden frame. A grinning young man with warm brown eyes and curly dark hair sat on the bench in the park. Alex. Picking up the photo, you took a closer look, feeling inexplicable heaviness in your chest. He looked just like Neil described him – an essence of goodness and understanding. The lump in our throat was strange. He still loved Alex that was a fact and something you took for granted. For a second, you wondered whether you could ever be half that important to him. But that was selfish. And wrong.

Swallowing hard, you put down the frame, focusing on another one nearby. In that photo, you recognized everyone. Ives with slightly longer hair grinning widely, next to him Wheeler with her practical bun and amused eyes, TP relaxed like always when in the company of friends. And then… You would recognize those eyes and sharp jaw anywhere, but… He’s not naturally blonde? You stared at the man who was undoubtedly Neil but with light brown hair, just as messy as usual. Interesting. You did suspect he dyed the hair but still having confirmation was unexpected. Staring a little longer at the photo, you already knew that it did not matter. He was a work of art, full stop. The rest of the photos depicted the Tenet crew, apart from the one you assumed was a family snapshot from years ago. Two happy boys with mundane looking parents and a Labrador retriever (Charlie!). Upon a closer look, you could tell that Neil got his blue eyes after his mother and the smile after his father. It was an interesting discovery. Other objects littering the shelves included postcards, trinkets from travels, and a strange collection of obscure coins. Also, more notebooks with Neil’s equations and theories and music scores. There was no order, just fate, and fancy. Just like him.

Wandering into the kitchen, running your fingertips over various instruments and surfaces, you wanted to soak in the atmosphere of the apartment. So far, the new information was almost overwhelming. But also fascinating in the fact that you already felt like you knew him better. Glancing at the fridge in passing, you froze. Among the cheap promotional magnets and old shopping notes attached to it, there was a rather familiar writing visible. A note you made Anna pass to him many weeks ago. “I’ll be at the shooting range. Meet you for dinner after 5” signed with your initials for practicality. Why has he kept it? It did not make sense. You forgot about the existence of something that inconsequential, yet here it was. Kept in place with a blaring orange magnet from Sainsbury’s. Suddenly feeling a little faint with the implications of the moment, you poured tap water into the glass and sat down on the stool by the kitchen island. You could still remember Anna’s offended stare when you gave her the note with the instruction to pass it to Neil later. That memory triggered another one, much more recent…

In the days leading up to Tallinn, you went out with Neil for a lunch and walk under the guise of planning the logistics of your journey. Sure, there was some planning being done over the tea and sandwiches. But there was also a lot of hand-holding, kissing, and gazing shamelessly. It was during those days, and then the idle hours in the safe house, that you have allowed yourself to love him. The feelings were there for months (most likely), but only after Oslo and the candid conversations in your room, you felt more at ease with them. So far, that PDA was not all that terrifying. And so, when you came back to the London quarters that afternoon, your fingers intertwined, you only realised how it looked like from the outside when Neil tugged you in the direction of Anna’s desk.

“What are you doing?” you hissed, hoping the woman was too busy to see you.

“I told you, need to get that ID sorted,” he explained, matching your conspiratorial tone, completely oblivious to your struggles.

“Yeah, but…” you raised your joined hands as if to show him the issue.

Neil grinned, waving his free hand dismissively.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not like that’s against the rules” ending the sentence, he took the final step separating you from the desk.

Great. Plastering on the most pleasant of smiles, you met Anna’s accusatory glare. You could not blame her.

“Anna, hi” Neil’s bright grin got met with a cold face of stone.

You vividly remembered that first day at Tenet, when you were filling in the paperwork, observing him flirt with the woman behind the desk. Back then, you were baffled by her reaction, the fluttering of eyelashes and lovesick smiles. Now you wondered how you got to that point and why you were seemingly luckier than she could ever be.

“Yes?”

“My ID is expiring soon. Was wondering if you could give me the form for the new one?” Neil’s chirpy tone made you hide a smile by looking at the floor “I want to get this sorted for after we’re back” he added, with that hopeful gaze barely anyone could ever say no to.

Anna was not any different.

“Naturally,” she spared you a final spiteful look before turning around to use the computer.

Glancing around the empty lobby, you hoped to survive the rest of the encounter without any additional awkwardness. But Neil had other plans. He stepped in closer, nose brushing over your ear, tearing down any illusions about the nature of your relationship. You stifled a sigh when his lips placed a small kiss over your temple.

“Shall we go to yours after this?” the whisper complemented with a ghost of his fingers on the side of your neck made you shiver.

“Maybe…” you cast a wary glance at Anna, but her back was turned.

Thankfully.

“I thought we could resume the planning…” upon the suggestive tone, you turned to meet his gaze.

Surely enough, the playful sparks were there. And the smirk too. Of course. Planning, in this case, most likely meant more cuddling… and potentially kissing. His hands getting accustomed to your body, leaving countless promises for the future. The thoughts alone made you blush. Before Neil could get any closer, Anna’s voice interrupted the moment:

“Here’s your form,” nothing but ice and fury.

So, she must have noticed…

“Thanks” the polite nod made you snicker.

During the next few terribly long minutes, you did your best to avoid looking at the other woman. Or at Neil. Your gaze roamed over the ceiling, the walls, and the floor. Reading the same fire evacuation instructions for the fifth time, you felt a gentle touch on your arm:

“Can I put down your details as my emergency contact?” you looked up straight into those inquisitive blue eyes “I’ve had Ives the last two years, but I think you’re a more accurate option these days,” he explained as though it was obvious.

Emergency contact? You always assumed those were for best friends and spouses. You were not sure which fitted the criteria.  

“How so?” blurting out the only viable question, you met his perplexed gaze.

“… because I’m with you and not with him” the bluntness of the reply made your heart stumble.

“Right”

Of course, you agreed. As a ‘thank you’ that afternoon, Neil kissed you until there was barely any breath left for either of you. Now you missed the feeling of being that desired.

And yet, that stupid note was right there, in your eyes a bright red spot that you could not ignore. Because surely, he must have cared at some point? You finished the remains of water and washed the glass. Then, just for the sake of a distraction, you went through the kitchen cupboards. Nothing surprising. Appliances that looked barely used. Canned food every Brit would be expected to have. The amounts of frozen meals in the lower fridge compartments confirmed another thesis - Neil did not like cooking. That was fair not everyone could be Jamie Oliver. Not that you would prefer him. Certainly not. Shaking your head at the ridiculousness of the thoughts, you opened another cabinet. Wine and glasses, triggering the memory from your date night in Oslo. The way Neil tried to emulate his swank further by pretending to be a sommelier, making you laugh with his fake French accent and sparse knowledge. Upon the efforts to name something else than tannins (that Sauvignon Blanc had little of), you stepped in, shutting him up with a fingertip tracing the outline of his lips, collecting a stray droplet of wine. And then licking your finger clean, much to his shock. The strange snapshot from one of the most eventful nights in your life was a good cue to leave the kitchen and trod down the corridor.

You stepped into the bathroom, curiously glancing at the contents of the cupboards and around the sink. Nothing remarkable. Giving in to the temptation, you sprayed the cologne he used on your wrist and inhaled deeply. Closing the bathroom door, your eyes landed on the room at the end of the corridor. Neil’s bedroom. Involuntarily, you felt a shiver run down your spine. Bedrooms were always a sacred space. The most private of places in the house. The stage set for life’s crucial events. Love, life, and tragedy all began to play out (and end) in there. If there was a room closest to the heart of the owner, it would be the bedroom and its contents. With a shaky hand, you pressed down the handle and opened the door. The interior was almost too mundane. The bed with dark grey covers and decorative pillows. Some artworks on the walls and drawn curtains, forcing you to turn on the ceiling lamp. A small bedside table with a night light and books. A walk-in closet with the sliding doors partly opened. That was what drew you in first, crossing the space you peered inside. Only to be overwhelmed with that Neil smell that made sure to make your heart rate pick up. Gently, you ran your fingers over the suit jackets and sweaters hanged on the rails. He had a multitude of those, in different colours. Eyeing a suit in dark blue, you could imagine how it would bring out his eyes. There were a few sweaters in different shades of green, confirming the suspicions that he liked the colour. Further along, you found a drawer with ties of various patterns, making you grin at one olive green with Labradors on it. Now that was a classic Neil accessory.

Just when you were about to end the ‘snooping’ your gaze landed on a more casual part of the wardrobe. Jeans folded on the shelves, t-shirts, and polos. Even a jean jacket somewhere in the back. In the drawer, you found socks with questionable patterns, only increasing the fondness you felt for the owner of such an eclectic wardrobe. And then you made the mistake of letting your curiosity get ahead of you. Another drawer. Underwear. Your face got warm as you slammed it shut. Enough. Thinking about that could lead to the dangerous territory you would rather not venture out to. At least not when alone in his apartment, overwhelmed with memories and feelings. There would be time for this too later… Hopefully.

Sliding the doors shut, you took in the room again. The pile of books on the bedside table caught your attention. Gingerly, you sat down on the bed, doing your best not to think about the specifics of that moment. You, alone in his bedroom. This was certainly not how you expected to end up in there for the first time. But that too was beyond the point. Sighing, you picked up the stack of books only to drop them onto the covers with hands shaking. You would recognize the cover everywhere. Your favourite book. The exact copy you had last seen in Oslo when you gave it to Neil. That memory was rather unforgettable…

Hanging out in the hotel room, waiting for Mahir and TP to come back from a small errand, you did your best to ignore Neil’s piercing gaze from across space. That was the day after your careless dancing and that evening’s developments when he asked you out. Just before the mission. And Neil was staring, shamelessly so. It was getting on your nerves.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” putting down the itinerary, you broke the silence and faced him.

The satisfied smile was enough to make you groan. He knew exactly what he was doing, as though waiting for the moment to strike when you were alone.

“Actually not, no” the grin widened as he shrugged nonchalantly “Plus you’re quite the sight. As usual” propping his chin on his hand, he kept on gazing.

The bastard was impossible.

“Jesus…” sighing, you rummaged in the bag at your feet “Do you want a book or something?” you took out a worn-out paperback “Because all that staring makes me want to…” trailing off, you met his inquisitive glare.

Want to kiss him. For starters. But he need not know that.

“What? Tell me” Neil spread his legs casually, leaning back in the armchair. An object of pure poise. And the challenge, aimed at you only. That was Neil at the top of his game, sure of what he wanted and how to get it. But you were not going to give it to him easily.

“Better not” the slight shock in his eyes gave you confidence “If yesterday taught me anything, it’s that your ego is big enough” offering him a sly smirk, you took a sip of the water.

When you looked up again, Neil was staring at you with an exaggerated pained expression on his face.

“I’m wounded” he put the hand over his heart like the drama queen that he was.

Scoffing, you laughed at the spectacle. Two could play the game.

“Good,” the offended whine only increased the satisfaction “So do you want that book?” you picked up the paperback, showing it to him “I’ve got my favourite one with me. Could kill some time”

“Yes, please” he got up and crossed the room, taking the book from you “I’ll have a chance to see what’s in that head of yours” Neil leaned down to your level and kissed you on the forehead “Apart from the desire for me, of course” he added, once he moved out of your reach once again.

Fucking hell.

“Neil”

At least there were some fun memories to come back to, you thought, looking through the copy you borrowed Neil. Then you noticed another thing. Under your book, there was another one of the same title. Brand new. Pages filled with Neil’s scribbles on the margins and underlined passages, highlighting the exact same quotations that made this book become your favourite. My god. The realization hit you with a gasp and a shiver. He read it. And not only that, but he also tried to understand you through something you held so dear. Reading the notes he made, you knew he was listening to every word you said. No matter the moment, the stage of your ‘relationship’, evidently, he cared enough to be interested in your thoughts and feelings. You were holding the proof in your hands. In some margin notes, Neil even referred to you using your initials, pointing out why it could resonate with you so much. The more you read, the more it felt like you have encountered his diary, in some form. That would be it when it comes to getting over. Putting down the books, your head was spinning. Too much.

You needed food. And sleep. It was at that moment that you decided to stay. It got late enough to make the journey back inconvenient. And everything was right here. Feeling like Goldilocks personified, you made use of Neil’s frozen food assortment and put on the music. Once you got over the initial shock of the afternoon, it was almost too easy to pretend that Tallinn never happened. That you were still alright. That he still potentially loved you. With the somewhat soothing sounds of Billy Idol and The Darkness, you went over Neil’s notebooks with equations. You understood nothing but the possibility to read his notes and theories was as comforting as it could get. Then, feeling your eyelids get heavy, you cleaned up and moved to the bedroom. Lying down in Neil’s bed felt like sacrilege. But the moment your head rested on the pillow and you inhaled the scent, it was all excused. At least in your eyes. Giving in to the foolish daydreams, you could almost imagine him next to you. The warmth and comfort the cuddles always provided. But you were alone, still wearing that sweater that smelled too good to be given up. It had to be enough. You fell asleep thinking about those damned blue eyes and the man that took the ownership of your heart for good.

*** Upon waking up in the cold apartment the next morning, you wanted nothing but to leave as soon as possible. In the daylight, with dreams of happiness haunting every corner of your mind, the feeling of loneliness was more persistent. You made sure to get rid of any signs of your intrusion, cleaned the kitchen, and made the bed. The only keepsake you could not deny yourself was the cashmere sweater that you stuffed into the bag. Even if he would not want anything to do with you, you could give it back along with the keys. Surely he would understand… right? After everything that you found in his flat, nothing seemed certain anymore.

You made it back to the HQs with just enough time to shower and pack for the next week of sitting in the inversion chambers in the sealed off part of the complex. That did not sound good as it meant more time with too many people in the cramped quarters. You had enough of that at this point. But then that was the prize of getting the most incredible of jobs. That and getting your heart broken. Again.

You joined the rest of the army by the larger turnstile, used purely for long-term inversion, instead of training. Accepting friendly nods from both Ives and Wheeler, you took your place in the queue. No one knew exactly what the purpose of this was. Just that you were supposed to go back eight days and then travel to the Norwegian coastline, awaiting instructions. The intuition that was rarely wrong told you that you were in the endgame from this point onwards.

And so, the next week was restricted to trying not to lose your sanity locked within the four walls. The only escape from the small room was the kitchen (always full of people that wanted to know too much), bathroom (that always had lines of people waiting by the door), and the small courtyard, where you could not step out without the oxygen tank and a mask. Overall, it was not the most pleasant of experiences. Especially when most days you wanted to curl up in bed and contemplate the mess that your life became. And to marinate in pain that became a constant companion. The sweater could only help so much. Accompanied with nerves and worry, you felt objectively shit and did everything to preserve the solitude. That is how you found yourself in the small kitchen at 2 am, eating toasties and drinking tea. Earlier the compound was too busy, and you preferred starving than facing the others. Only with everyone asleep, you could catch up on the meals missed. Well, almost everyone…

“How are you doing?” a voice interrupted your brooding.

You turned in the seat only to see Wheeler enter the room with a small smile on her face. Her you could tolerate, as an exemption.

“Bad” the candid answer seemed only appropriate “But I don’t mind the company, so please… stay” you added upon her hesitation.

She just nodded and proceeded to make a cup of tea. The silence stretched, but for once, it was rather pleasant. Finally, she finished the task and took the seat opposite you, giving you a quick once-over. You knew what she saw. Tangled hair, reddened eyes from lack of sleep, and hours of tears. The sweater that became the only comfort in those early morning moments when nothing seemed real and yet everything was too much.

“Is the sweater his?” she asked plainly, and you could only nod.

At this stage, surely, nothing was bound to surprise her.

“Yeah… Maybe it’s silly, but I took it from his place just to have something… tangible” you explained, consciously running your fingers over the material. Instead of judgement, you got a smile in return.

“No, I understand” Wheeler took a sip from the mug before asking, “Did the apartment give you any answers?”

You have not shared the story with anyone, unable to process it all even in the quiet of your mind. But maybe this was a chance to let it out…

“Mostly whiplash,” you let out a bitter laugh “It’s like… he cares… or cared,” you stumbled over the tense “But then in Tallinn after the shoot-out, he just closed off completely, and I don’t know why” raising your hands in defeat, you planted on your face on the table.

Anything goes. After a moment of utter frustration, you met Wheeler’s inquisitive eyes again. She did not seem bothered by your antics. Just a little concerned by the picture you were painting.

“Maybe it’s trauma” the seriousness of her expression made you think.

You did consider that option. But even knowing what happened with Alex, his reaction seemed too violent. You were alive, and yet he was trying to push you away. Plus, that way of thinking implied something else. Something you did not dare consider.

“That would mean he… loved me” getting the words out was a challenge “And I don’t think he does” you stared at the table, giving in to the thoughts once again “Whatever is going to happen now, I think I need space. Some distance. Trying to get over this won’t work otherwise”

Formulating the feelings that were overwhelming your heart and mind felt somehow relieving. Even if the prospects were anything but good.

“Is that what you want? To let him go?” the straightforward attitude of your companion was helpful.

“I don’t know,” sighing, you met her gaze, “I want… him, but if he doesn’t feel the same then…” with reddened cheeks, you let the sentence trail off.

She would understand, you were sure of that. And, if the slightly suspicious look in Wheeler’s eyes was anything to go by, she had her ideas about the topic.

“You should probably try talking to him again” she spoke after a few minutes of silence.

“Last time that ended terribly,” you replied, arching your eyebrows, begging her to remember how bad that container conversation went.

“I know,” Wheeler patted your shoulder reassuringly, “But I also know that sometimes Neil needs a proper kick in the ass before he sees what’s right in front of him” she got up and went to the sink, picking up both of your dishes.

With the soothing soundtrack of the washing, you could feel almost sleepy. If it was not for that never-ending chatter of your thoughts.

“If you say so…” you murmured when she turned the tap off.

“Go to sleep. It’s just two days more of this torture” giving you a final smile, Wheeler left the kitchen.

You could survive two days. After that? Who knows. But it had to be alright.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

[daimonhalos]

Aight this is the second time I watch it but I'm gonna do a commentary on the latest bad's lore stream! Just for funsies, I might have honestly already forgotten some stuff so I wanna keep my thought process :3 let's go, commentary under the cut.

There's also some small theories/analysis in some points but nothing too much, just me rambling cause pain.

The pre stream song. Faster and Bad never change please.

I love so so so much the ominous soundtracks he puts as background for lore man it's just so coooool.

Reality check pre/post lore my beloved 💜

that little meh eh eh. is everything

he's just on a boat at night and but can already see he's got shaders on, this means PRETTY VISUALS AHEAD. Also i really like bits beginning with the character alone heading towards their destined direction, it's just pleasing

HIM TAKING DOWN ANTI EGG POSTERS. KING SHIT

Can't believe I got to hear "muffinhead" in lore voice.

Not even inside the room and HOLY SHIT they covered it all with the red bricks block IM AAAAH IT'S SO PRETTY. Like before the vines were all put at random but now they're neatly placed and it's actually aesthetically pleasing? I love it

DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR

The table. is . so. is so . it's so prebby,,, help like i'd live there man

Bad being overwhelmed by the egg's voice and lowkey scared. FINE IM FINE

No other choice. And the way he repeated it like a mantra? Kind of like to convince himself? AHHH

SKEPPY. SKEPP

small,, small egg staircase

haha fuckign pain. p a i n. just pain it sounds a lot like Skeppy before actually stayed with Bad cause it annoyed him how much he wanted to hang out like old times,,,,, my heart pangs

IM JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU

I CARE ABOUT YOU *passes out*

bad scared the egg is skeppy's bff now /j (have to joke through the pain,,)

BADBOY i swear to god he knows his audience. he just does.

Bad doing whatever he can to even just hang out a few minutes with skeppy. Bro, the tears inside

"I'm comfortable right here." "Skeppy I know you are-" THE WAY BAD'S VOICE BROKE HERE HOLY SHIT LEMME CLIP IT.

He talks to chat. HE TALKS TO CHAT THIS MEANS WE ARE CANON THUS we are either little angels or demons around him or a mix or, we're particles that make up Rat ♥

"All of this is for him" okay stab me next time it'll hurt less

BADBOY STARTING TO BE CONFLICTED BECAUSE HE NEVER HAS A FUCKING BREAK

s- w- skeppy kept the egg alive? okay so ive been thinking about the fact that skeppy became completely red and like wow what if it kinda is that hes literally become a small part of Egg? like, i wonder if someone breaks it, if he feels pain

Skeppy so dry with his responses. stop i will cry

bad. bad why are you bringing up selfies to a lore stream bad-

"why are you still talking to me" "okay..." stop stop PLEASE STOP-

smol growls, he's getting frustrated

idk why but skeppy talking about the perimeters made me laugh it was just funny how far away he was and just started talking about it randomly

"i think it looked a little bit better before" thoughts being thunk

"what's it gonna take for you to stop talking to me?" literally i am deceased s t o p

STOP STEPPIN ON THE MAGMA BLOCKS SIR YOU'RE HURTING

Bad shouldn't be so happy about just having "one last walk around" with skeppy so he "stops bothering" him tHIS HURTS SO MUCH the egg has fucked them up so much

Skeppy doesn't hear it huh? Maybe it whispers different things to everyone

"I like how it feels" nooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP HURTING TOURSELF

so no dance? *slams phone on the ground*

When skeppy says his line about never seeing anything close to a party there, idk what it is about it but his tone just hits, man he's so good preesh

HE CALLED HIM ANT. BAD PLS YOUR BEING BAD AT NAMES IS SHOWING

"Oh my goodness you're going back to the egg" HE'S SO SAD. HE'S SO SAD CAUSE HE COULDNT KEEP HIM WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT LONGER HES S

"you know what? i invite you" i wanna read this in a certain way. The egg was feeling like bad was so frustrated he started doubting the egg, so it was like alright let's use skeppy to get it closer to I can manipulate this bad boy better :)) motherfuck

are they about to kiss-

egg cockblocker

"okay don't come back" end me rn

ngl when sapnap joined I got real scared for a moment.

"it's not about power! it's nor about control! i'm you friend skeppy!" "I mean ... you can think that" FUCK U NO IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RN

"We're friends, right?"

"In your head we can be best friends, we can be whatever you want" BDI ANYONE??????? also whatever- whatever he wants? :eyes: okay sorry no ill see myself out

"We're m- we are friends sk-" M- MARRIED WAS HE GONNA SAY MARRIED DID HE PULL A QUACKITY OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GUY OH MY GOD /pos but also like in a bawling my eyes out way

the egg is more than just a friend? skep u good there pal do u have smth to tell us

"You don't know what it's like." OH HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES HERE IT COMES OH NO.

The way Bad stutters i really thought he was gonna say something REALLY IMPACTFUL

"I have done so much for you, for our friendship and now you're trying to tell me we're not friends anymore?" LEAVE ME ALONE

I JUST CAUGHT THE BLOOPER HE SAID ON ME INSTEAD OF HANG OUT WITH ME IM CRYING OH MY GOD BAD HOW DID U FUCK THAT UP oh my god I imagine him mentally going like oh my gosh out of all the things that could be messed up THAT WAS SO FUNNY

ahaha my dads are fighting help

"You think you've done anything? You seriously think that?" *looks at my fic where bad feels worthless because the egg said so* ahah... I'm sorry?

"You left me for a long, long long time before you even checked up on me, okay?" he's not wrong,,,, he's not wrong why does this hurt sm,,,,, "and now all of a sudden you care about me?" OH MY GOD PLEASE I HATE THIS EGG

I see them... i see them approaching the lava blocks..

"the past doesn't matter" the egg wanting to erase their relationship so much,,,, i wanna cry because then if bad doesn't have skeppy he just has nothing right and then,,, then he can be another empty vessel for the fucking egg I hate this mI hate this so much

Also!!! little things I noticed!! Bad taking away part of the vine and also mining a red block? Without being affected at all? MHHHH

"I just wanted us to hang out like we used to" BAD'S VOICE CRACKING AGAIN STOP I WILL CJRYSD

"I did all of this for you and I didn't want the egg to take that away" you see how fucking tragic this is. Like Skeppy sacrificed himself so his friend could stop being infected. Bad sacrificed literally the whole server himself included to get him back. And then it comes down to this. The egg separating them a thousand fucking miles away. I hate this it's so sad

the selfish bit please no stop

THE LAVA BAD THE LAVA PLEASE IT'S TOO CLOSE

the fucking shaking with rage thing got me BROOOO I LOVE WHEN BAD DOES THE LITTLE THINGS IN GAME

"IT'S JUST A STUPID EGG" FUCKING FINALLY YOU TELL HIM BAD but then oh no oh no would you look at that huh. cant fucking have shit in dsmp. the way he immediately just screams for him right after

YOU CAN HEAR THE TEARS IN HIS VOICE and also mine hi I'm sobbing again

BDI FUCKING CANON LET'S GOOOOOOO WE CALLED ITTTT

(Dreamscape?)Skeppy being actually concerned with him haha this doesn't hurt at all!!!

*stares at black screen* I'm fine.

Thank you for listening to my ramble I am hurting so much bestie

#dream smp #dream smp spoilers #badboyhalo #bbh #skeppy #death tw #mind control tw #ask to tag

[mbti-galaxies]

hello! sorry if this is bothersome, but i was wondering if you could help me distinguish between infp and isfp?

i’ve thought i was an infp for years now, using cognitive functions even. im definitely no expert, just kinda vaguely know what each one is, but i went through it using several sources i and was like “oh yeah oh yeah this is it” but i dont think it’s It anymore ??

i got diagnosed with adhd in december and ive been taking medication, so it’s been a lot easier to be able to distinguish what’s actually my personality and what kind of just comes from adhd. i think that i might actually be isfp. i think i related a lot to high Ne because with adhd youre always bouncing around restless wanting to do all the things, and youre brain’s always on rapid fire mode. but since ive been on meds ive been less like that and more grounded (i still do drift off a lot ofc cause that’s just how it is). and ive been able to realize that i dont actually get caught up in my thoughts a lot,,,,like i dont uhhhh care very much,,,i am not concerned with the future very much? i think im very in the present, and i kind of just do whatever is in front of me. whatever im in the mood for. sensory stuff. i love piano, ukulele, video games, drawing, etc. doing stuff with my hands. im also a dancer; it’s very fulfilling to be able to engage in something so physically stimulating and be creating art at the same time.

anyways this is so long but im very very leaning towards isfp. it’s crazy cause i used to think i was so head in the clouds but actually??? i love to be grounded?? i love to feel and see and observe things instead of be imagining and thinking about abstract stuff?? im very in the present and i Do Not think about future stuff at all? i really dont think about the big picture at all?????

i know you dont know me so you cant really tell me what my type is, but any input or other differences between infp and isfp would be so helpful!! i also just dont really trust myself and im seeking validation or correction lmao. thanks so much for reading this i appreciate you a lot

Hey!! You're not bothersome at all, I love getting asks and talking to people about their types so thank you so much for sending this!

Obviously I don't know you personally so I'm not going to claim I'm 100% sure of what you are, but right of the bat I can tell you that based on your explanation you definitely sound more like an ISFP rather than an INFP.

(I'm gonna put the rest of my thoughts and stuff under a read more cuz my response is long too lol)

First of all the fact that you mentioned being diagnosed with ADHD is actually really helpful because over the years learning about psychology (I'm majoring in it in college) and the MBTI Personality Theory I've definitely noticed that neurodivergency/mental disorders/mental illnesses play a huge role in how people interpret their type. It's really hard sometimes to tell the difference between whether a trait is your actual personality or something else going on in your brain. This is one reason why a lot of extroverts mistype themselves as introverts because they have social anxiety disorder, a lot of sensors mistype themselves as intuitives because they have ADHD(like your situation), a lot of thinkers mistype themselves as feelers because they have depression, etc.

Alright so now let's get into the major differences between ISFP and INFP.

Assuming you're pretty sure that you're at least IxFP, I won't get into the specifics of every single letter and function here, I'll just discuss the differences between having Se or Ne as your second function in the stack. (Fi-Se-Ni-Te vs Fi-Ne-Si-Te)

Compared to INFPs, ISFPs are much more grounded. Of course they still can drift off and daydream, but they tend to focus on the present more than the future and focus the majority of their stimulation on their physical environment rather than focusing the majority on their inner world.

This seems to match up with what you said: "i am not concerned with the future very much? i think im very in the present, and i kind of just do whatever is in front of me. whatever im in the mood for. sensory stuff. i love piano, ukulele, video games, drawing, etc. doing stuff with my hands. im also a dancer; it’s very fulfilling to be able to engage in something so physically stimulating and be creating art at the same time."

ISFPs also tend to be more practical overall. They can definitely see value in abstract ideas, but they don't spend hours thinking about the big picture and wild concepts like intuitives do. ISFPs may not care as much about the meaning behind something, they care more about how it makes them feel or affects the world around them. They're much more based in reality compared to INFPs, and because of this they also tend to be a little more easygoing and willing to try new things. They like to explore and observe and need outside stimulation a bit more than their intuitive counterparts, and because ISFPs are introverts, this stimulation tends to come from creative and sensory activities such as music, arts, games, etc. (In comparison to ESFPs, who might also need social stimulation in addition to these activities)

This makes sense with what you said: "i love to feel and see and observe things instead of be imagining and thinking about abstract stuff?? im very in the present and i Do Not think about future stuff at all? i really dont think about the big picture at all?????"

Some other differences between the two:

Both ISFPs and INFPs have strong moral compasses from their dominant Fi, but ISFPs may be the less strict of the two, or they may be able to change their opinions on something a little bit faster. This is because INFPs have a major tendency to overthink everything, so when new information comes in they basically have to reevaluate a lot of things. ISFPs on the other hand don't necessarily have to think through every little action that they do, if something feels wrong or they learn that something they do is wrong it's a much quicker turnaround since they don't get caught up in their head as much.

ISFPs aren't as idealistic as INFPs. Sure they have wants and dreams for themselves and the world, but they have much more realistic expectations overall.

ISFPs display their passions and feelings through actions primarily. They focus on displaying and expressing things (show not tell perse). INFPs display their passions and feelings through words and meaning primarily. They like thoroughly discussing or thinking through the why, figuring out patterns and connections.

So with all that in mind and your own thoughts about yourself and your type, I'd say you're an ISFP. Feel free to ask more questions if you have any or if I missed something! Thank you so so much for the ask and I hope you have a wonderful day!

#asks #replies #mbti #isfp #infp

[skaldish]

Heya! I‘ve spent my morning reading through your website and low-key your blog here and wanted to say that the way you describe Loki feels so weirdly familiar? like him being your Mad Muse resonated in a way with my experience as an artist that is somewhat similar to yours which got me thinking. some ideas or concepts come seemingly out of nowhere and get stuck until i get them out and many of them are to do with the human condition but also gender and living the true self kinda? but more like these characters feel actually alive and thus not wanting me as an author or painter to control them but to observe and conserve these observations. it often feels like a swirling mass of chaos in my mind with me racing behind trying to grasp what i see/feel (its all really vague and words are more feelings of the essence of whats said.)

If i understand correctly You often make a distinction between chaos and his trickery (i am so sorry in advance for possible weird-wording things, or completely misunderstandig you >.< english is my 2nd language) and for me personally, i delight in chaos and trickery, though not in a hurting others way, more in a good hearted fun for the shits and giggles kind? but i love chaos in the way i love a symbol, since chaos for me means change in a rather radical way but without any judgement. Things change and get chaotic but chaos itself feels more like possibility?

I have a bonus Loki-Story for you: one time he (i assume) probably annoyed a busdriver with a red light and i caught my bus after asking any god willing to help me catch that bus (it was urgent lol). I was so out of breath but the second i could breathe properly again i asked who to thank for the red light and i kid you not, i drove by a wall with a graffiti that simply said: Loki. made me chuckle ugly but i gave him the best part of my steak never the less, gotta say thanks!

There have been several of these happenings with other gods (Thor and Odin mainly but i caught a whiff of freya once while baking i think?) so now im at the point where i feel i should finally listen. Though i know nothing about working with the gods or magic ive always felt a pull to runes and even got an engraving set to make some myself.

After reading your introduction about deity work i kinda confirmed what i thought regarding knowing the basics of magic (mainly i wont use runes or magic until i know how to do it safely with warding and shielding, which brings me to my question:

Do you have any open source or freely online available sources for learning the basics of magic and getting familiar with deity work? (possibly even for absolute total beginners who boarder on dumb - hello adhd) Like how to shield/ward yourself and your house and how to cleanse. Same with sharpening the clairsenses. It sounds kind of easy when reading but when i try to actually do that i feel helpless and dont know where to start or what to do :(

I often see these things stated (on your page and in the asks you answer but also on any site regarding these topics as well.Saw this also on sunnyway when tring to read up on runes) but never really explained in a way thats friendly for beginners, and when i try googling (i am chronically out of moneys so i guess that has to do with it) all that comes up is wicca related stuff that makes me feel icky (the norse gods are generally the only pantheon and norse religion mostly the only religion that doesnt feel icky to me but that might be my catholic upbringing? the norse gods feel so healingly friend-shaped that it spooked me for years but im staring to fall in love with that. i do get its not always like that but having a kind of mutually respectful relationship with the gods is kind of all i wanted when i grew up). Im also too new i guess to be able to discern between norse practicioners and white supremacists and dont want to end up on a nazi page and learning from them :/ (Here in germany i mostly saw nazis and white supremacists wearing norse symbols which i guess kept my spanish-libanese-migrant ass away from norse paganism for so long bc i thought theyre the only ones who practice it and i really do not like the fuckers)

Thank you in advance if you decide to answer this! (And i apologize for the sheer length of this ask!!)

Sorry this took me so long to get back! If I’m not mistaken, you’re basically asking how to move from “theory” to “practical application” with paganism, magic, and spirit/deity work.

I had to sit with this for a while because I couldn’t think of an easy answer to your question, and maybe an easy answer simply doesn’t exist. For me, everything I know and everything I believe in was built upon a combination of a few things:

Introducing myself to different branches of magical theory and trying different things, even stuff that wasn’t Norse.

Familiarizing myself with MANY different spiritual and religious practices; how they work, their ethos, their worldviews, their metaphysical philosophies, and how they differ from one another.

Finding a reputable community of actual advanced pagan practitioners who gave me the tools I needed to rely on myself and helped me troubleshoot specific things.

Identifying how my clairsenses and magical tendencies manifest and working them out like a muscle, using Tarot to help confirm or refute my interpretations of experiences.

Learning to trust myself and my judgements.

Learning what bad communities look like.

Learning what Nazi-coded language looks like.

Learning what healthy relationships look like.

Trying things and learning from both my mistakes and successes.

This stuff takes months to identify and years to cultivate, and honestly the only way to do figure it out is to expose yourself to it.

One resource I started with that IS free would be Oven-Ready Chaos by Phil Hine. This is a PDF you can google and download that introduces you to the basics of Chaos Magic. Even if you’re not a chaos magician, it provides some good metaphysical philosophies that can be applied to basically any eclectic practice. This book was also the first time magic was presented to me in a way that made a damn lick of sense.

But that’s all I really have for you, unfortunately. Someday I hope to write more about this process of magical/pagan development, but I’m not at the point where I know enough about it to do so.

#answered #Anonymous

[lollybliz]

bout to make a Monster of a fic rec post here we go

heyo @jinx108! We’ll start with the complete ones because sometimes you’re just not in the mood to wait for the last chapter, you know? I don't remember details of all of these so i’m just going to copy the author’s summary rather than write my own. I am literally just going through my bookmarks, I got 400 of these to sort through. if ive talked to or am familiar with the author im gonna mention them, but if I mention you and you don't want me to have Please tell me and i’ll remove it.

If you’re not into spoilers Please Tread Carefully, I don't watch out for that stuff so I wont know to label it

1>Crushing Truth by Bunzuku: Tododeku. “Romance is hard enough for a teenager to understand when they have a good relationship role model. For Shoto, it takes two excited meddlers for him to even realize what his feelings really are.“

2>Disowned by b00mgh: tododeku + others. Unrated, some traumatic elements. “Shouto freaks out under a bridge and I use the word "grass" a lot more than I really should. Izuku does his stupid martyr thing and everyone makes continuous references to his propensity to break his bones. Aizawa goes "oh FUCK my kids are dying again" and his students use him as emotional (and physical) support. A friend requests angst, I say what kind, she say idk make someone get disowned and i say oh this I can absolutely provide my good buddy.”

3>cotton candy hands by @chonideno: Kiribaku. I will take Any excuse to rec this fic, its the most fluffy pile of feels Good Lord. also the first fic I ever bound into a physical book. “Studying to become a hero requires knowing how to take care of yourself. Sometimes you might need help on the way so if your crush offers to do your hair for you or to give you a well-deserved back rub, it'd be stupid to say no. A series of soft vignettes in which a love-struck Kirishima and a touch-starved Bakugou care for each other and it's definitely not making their hearts jump through hoops, they’re never this close to kissing, no, they're totally best friends bro“

4>Catching Sight of the Storm by neo7v: Kiribaku, tododeku. A considerable amount of Whump and related angst, and kinda sad tbh. “Blind. Quirkless. Useless.The first two things were stated clearly by the doctor that sat about five feet in front of Izuku. The third was a word that Kacchan called him everytime he failed to make the jump on whatever forest excursion they were on or when he ran into a tree because he hadn’t seen it. “I’m so, so sorry, Izuku.” Was his mom giving up on him already? But he could still be a hero if he tried hard enough, right? Quirkless or not. Blind or not. Just because Izuku was useless now didn’t mean he would stay that way forever, right? *** A Blind!Izuku AU”

5>Yell Heah by fakecharliebrown: Chatfic. M a n y pairings. technically complete, but part of an ongoing series. “Iida creates a group-chat for Class 1-A. It doesn't go as planned.“

6>Sunshine by Rosey_Note: BIG SAD. tw- failed suicide attempt. KiriKamiBaku. “They didn't deserve to put up with his crappy mood. Because Denki Kaminari did not feel like Sunshine right now. And they deserved sunshine. In fact, Denki didn't feel much of anything right now.“

7>Electric Connection by  Onlymostydead: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk has always had... Weird side affects. Like his ADHD. And his constant energy. And his insomnia, which wouldn't leave him be right now, when he really needed to just get some sleep. But, thankfully, he has good friends.“

8>The Best (The Worst) by Onlymostydead: no romantic pairing. tw- rampant transphobia, both outside and internalized. “Bakugou Katsuki has known who he was since he was four years old. He was a boy, it was as simple as that. Around his friends, at school... But things couldn't just be that simple, could they?“

9>Lichtenberg Figures by Q_loves_you: no definite romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki has a very powerful force of nature running through his body. Kaminari Denki doesn't want to hurt anybody. He doesn't always get what he wants, and "anybody" does generally include himself.“

10>Eventuality by KikaTouka: ill be honest I don't remember this one at all, I maaaay not have read it yet :/. anyway. ShinKami. “Shinsou learns more than just hero lessons after being transferred to 1-A.“

11>Pickup Lines for the Soul by MustardSoup: ShinKami. “Denki is twelve when he is flicking through the TV channels and lands on an old RomCom movie about soulmate marks – specifically the same type that he has. “I can’t believe I’ve had to walk around with a cheap pickup line written on my ankle my entire life because of you!” The leading lady yells at the leading man as he stares at her in awe. Denki laughs. “Oh no.” His mother says, watching him. “Oh no, indeed.” His sister repeats quietly.“

12>caught in my own web by @anxioussailorsoldier: ShinKami. “Shinsou needs some help after getting caught up in his capture weapon. Kaminari enters from stage left.“

13>not so summer love by nataliya: ShinKami. “Class 2-B’s common room, although typically quiet, was currently filled with five students—three slowly giving up on homework, one bitching about noise and another that rushes through the front door. “We’ve been waiting for you—” Mina starts, but Kaminari’s vaulting over the back of the couch, eyes wide as he practically buzzes out of his skin, emitting light like crazy as currents dazzle across strands of hair. “I have a big ugly crush,” He steps off the couch and onto the coffee table, much to Bakugou’s chagrin, “On big ugly Shinsou.””

14>Blamed by coldandhotsoba: ShinKami. Tw- they fuckin kill a guy and its a lil nasty. “This was not how the day was supposed to end. They were supposed to end the day like they do most nights.  Kaminari clutching onto him like a koala as he slept, wrapped in the millions of tacky blankets Kaminari had bought. Warm and safe in their bed. It was not supposed to end with both of them tied up in some cold metal room.“

15>Lightning Scars by Present-Mics-Scream (write_your_way_out): Shinkami. “It's hard to be confident in your abilities when you're surrounded by people with incredible quirks. Shinsou Hitoshi would know better than anyone. Sure, he was admitted to the hero course in his second year, but being admitted to the hero course, and keeping up with the rest of the class are two different things. Lucky for him, Kaminari is there to prove that the flashiest quirks come with the largest drawbacks.“

16>See No Evil, Hear No Evil by randomfan188: no romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki is legally blind. When he forgets to wear his contacts and breaks down during math class, comfort appears in the strangest of ways.“

17>how not to enjoy the weather, an article by kaminari denki by dreamtowns: no defined romantic pairing. “If there was one thing Kaminari hated the most in a world wth villains, it would have to be thunderstorms.“

18>”Studying” by emmyrox22: ShinKami, EraserMic. “Shinsou and Kaminari have been “studying” together for a while (but not for school). Shinsou gets stopped by his dads on the way to another “study” session and mistakes are made“

19>Weaknesses by sunflowerstorm: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk and storms compliment each other in the worst way, but he's convinced he can deal with it on his own... until he really can't any longer. When Shinsou accidentally overhears Aizawa confronting Kaminari about recent changes in behaviour and hears about the hell his quirks been putting him through, he can't just pretend he never heard. He wants to help.“

20>it’s hurt denki hours by memeingfultrash: ShinKami + others. ““Certain members of our class are...under the impression that...you’re the traitor.” Denki’s body went cold and felt like he was going to short circuit. ~some of class 1a believes that denki is the traitor and avoid him”

21>Petition to replace Mineta with Shinsou- (signed by Kaminari Denki) by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami + others. This is one of my favorites, I go back to reread it from time to time. It SAYS 41/42, but that's just a glitch cus chapter 36 doesn't exist for some reason, I talked to the author about it and its fine. “Mineta brings shame to the color purple. You know who does not bring shame to the rich color, but pride and sexual tension to one infatuated Kaminari Denki instead? Shinsou Hitoshi, aka sexy zombie man, aka the most perfect hunk of a man to walk planet earth, aka future husband. Shinsou has finally gotten his chance to prove himself to the hero course, and he did more than prove himself. The only question left unanswered is whether he will start in A or B, and how Kaminari can manipulate the end result.“

22>How to Get a Boyfriend (in Four Easy Steps!) by e1ana: ShinKami, EraserMic, + others. “Step 1: Get kicked out of the house by your homophobic parents. Step 2: Run headfirst into your brooding, mysterious crush. Step 3: Sleep in his dad’s (see: your homeroom teacher) house Step 4: Watch everything you thought you knew go to shit. This isn’t exactly the sweet, romantic plan that Kaminari Denki longed for. Will everything be ok, or will step 5 be to crash and burn?“

23>Bakugou and Todoroki’s Foolproof 5-Step Plan to Fuck with Mineta Minoru by Anubis_2701: Kiribaku, TodoDeku, + others. This is another one of my favorites, and the one I am currently folding and sewing into a physical book. you learn how to do funny things when bored and quarantined ig. “It was a simple enough idea; screw around with the resident bastard of Class 1-A to let him know that his medieval ways and perverted behaviour weren't going to be tolerated by even the most career-focused of UA's students. To say that things had snowballed was an understatement. Todoroki had no idea how he had ended up sitting on Bakugou's floor at 1 am, holding a dossier of incriminating material that would make the FBI slobber, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. The long and short of it was, fuck Mineta.”

24>Colour Theory by chancellorxofxtrash: TodoBakuDeku. this one’s a series. “Midoriya/Bakugo/Todoroki slow burn soulmate AU. All three of them are nerds with their own emotional issues, trying to navigate their way through becoming heroes, and their own relationship with each other.“

25>Summer Sunshine by Mara97: TodoDeku. Ever want a Barbie in a mermaid tale/Bnha crossover? No? well here you go anyway! “Instead of worrying about college, Izuku spends his summer vacation finding out his father is, supposedly, a dead merman king and going on a quest to dethrone the current king, Endeavor. Along the way, Izuku becomes close to the three journeying with him, makes friends with strangers, starts crushing on an unattainable prince, and, in the end, learns to love himself. Oh, and he saves a kingdom, too.“

26>The snowflakes on our skin and the flames in our soul are one (and the same), my love by missunderstuffyou: TodoDeku, Kiribaku. this is one of the ones I keep a running reread comment going on. its at,,, 6, atm.  “Before your quirk begins to present itself, the soulmate link comes through, and suddenly whatever you write upon your own skin appears on the body of your soulmate. As your soulmate writes to you, the emotions they feel follow through the ink.Izuku Midoriya is four years and a few months old when he first feels the slight ebbing in his arms. It doesn’t hurt… he can just feel something, and it’s enough to make him sprint into his mother’s arms screaming that his quirk is coming. She had been washing in the kitchen, and the sudden screech as her son rockets into her side is enough to make her jump with panic, immediately grabbing at him and looking for cuts and bumps before she understands his words and the stupidly bright, alight smile on his face with large, watery, hopeful eyes. Shoto Todoroki doesn’t feel his soulmate connection open up. It is drowned in the aches of a small body worked far too hard.“

27>It was dark inside the closet by Chad_Champion69420: Pre-ShinDeku? maybe? its tagged shindeku but like. it’ll make sense if you read it. “Midoriya is invited to a party. He and Shinsou decide to play a little trick on the rest of the party during Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

28>how to woo your local trash gremlin: a comprehensive guide by Todoroki shouto by wonhaebunny: TodoBaku. this is the fic that dragged me into todobaku, fun fact. “five times shouto tries to confess to bakugou, and one time he doesn't bother tryingaka: wikihow is a scam and bakugou is a terrible, terrible boy“

29>top ten photos taken right before disaster by Shookspeare: ShinDeku. “Izuku participates in a harmless prank, only to end up ruining it and running for dear life.“

30>Secrets to Share by pechebaie: no definite romantic pairing. “Kirishima comes out first, and nothing changes. Kirishima and Kaminari still hang out to complain about class and talk about boys - and sometimes girls, too, in Kaminari’s case; he still plans stupid pranks with Sero that get them sent to the principal’s or nurse’s office every time; Ashido still kicks his ass at Mario Kart without hesitation; and Bakugou doesn’t get angry at him any more than he usually does.“

31>What One Hides by Pinalinet: TodoDeku. “All Might gives class 1-A an unusual assignment that results in Midoriya Izuku and Todoroki Shouto attending a weekly acting class. But with a mysterious villain targeting individuals without Quirks, and a developing issue of Todoroki's own, an after-school assignment is the least of their worries.“

32>whether or not we’re fated, we’re meant to be by juurensha: KINDA SPOILERY. TodoDeku + others. “Todoroki didn’t have a soulmark for most of his life.His siblings all did, but up until the day of the U.A. entrance exam, he had shoved the idea aside. It’s not like they could help him anyway. And then a 9 appears on his chest, and a green-haired boy barrels into his life with a fire and ice soulmark on his arms, and suddenly Todoroki cares very much about all this could mean.”

33>The Midnight Shift by meiishu @meiishu @totallytodoroki (idk which you’d rather I attach so I went with both): ShinKami. ““Hey Toshi,” Denki says, and he laughs, clearly embarrassed. He’s got on a jean jacket that did him absolutely no help and a white tee shirt that is currently stuck to his torso. It’s got a pikachu design in the center. “By any chance, do you sell umbrellas?” “You really went out in this weather.” Hitoshi deadpans, instead of dignifying that with an answer. or hitoshi works the midnight shift at the gas station, which also doubles as a pokestop for pokemon go. of course, denki is a regular.”

34>Rock the House by AkabaneKayo: ShinKami. “It wasn’t just his bed. It was his entire fucking room shaking. Only one thought crossed his mind at that moment: “Holy shit. My room is haunted.”“

35>Technically, they’re morning kisses by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami. “Most nights, Shinsou cannot fall sleep. Neither can Kaminari. It seems counterproductive to have a sleepover then, but they try to make it work. And they fail, but that is okay.“

36>someone to call mine by nearly_theyre: ShinKami, EraserMic “From: Me wish you were here, denks From: kitten 💛💘💛 what if i was tho? OR Four times Denki snuck into Hitoshi's room and one time he walked through the front door.“

37>Pretty by Onlymostydead (noticing some repeat authors? me too): no definite romantic pairing. “(Or, Kaminari still can't figure out bra clasps.) Kaminari has never really felt good about himself. Herself? Whichever way, not knowing doesn't make anything easier. Especially when he (she?) and Mina have their bodies swapped during training, and everything seems too right.“

38>If I offer you my hand, will you take it? by bleukitsune: Kiribaku. SPOILERY. ““Why?” Kirishima leaned back on his hands, trying to create some space between them. Too close. The ash-blond looked really nervous, his usually arrogant and cunning demeanor gone. “What do you see when you look at me? Kirishima is worried. Bakugou is hurting. After his confrontation with Midoriya, he finally reaches out to him. “

Theres way more but I haven't tagged them properly yet so that m a y come later if I can ever finish going through and adding my sorting tags.

and then a last few that Are Not Complete but im really very fond of them. not as many as id like to add, but my hands are getting tired tbh.

39>State of Mind by GuardianOfTheLoaf: no relationship YET but its looking like it’ll be either tododeku or shindeku, probably the former. EraserMic. tw- childhood neglect and severe depression. Izuku’s not a happy kid. “Izuku was a late bloomer, his quirk lying dormant until his tenth birthday when in a fit of emotion he grabs his mother and she disappears. With All Might slowly restoring his confidence Izuku begins the difficult journey into becoming a hero.“ 18/? chapters.

40>Izuku Eats His Problems by CosmicAce: ShinDeku. Izuku’s a flerkin, what more could you want? “His whole life, Izuku Midoriya was taught to keep his powers, his Quirk, hidden from the world. His kind were feared, hunted to near extinction because of it. He just wants to show people he’s different. That he can be a HERO. And nothing is going to stop him. Even if his Quirk IS like an eldritch abomination.“ 43/? chapters

and then probably my current favorite bnha fic- although it fights with Apertum Mortem for that spot but that ones d a r k and not here-

41>family of the year by periiwren: EraserMic. “Hitoshi is done. Done with moving around every few months to a couple that will scrutinize him and eventually dump him right back where he started. Good thing he’s well past his strike limit now- at least he can stay in one place, be content to age out of the system and finish out his training with Aizawa. Maybe transfer into the hero course, maybe be a hero- but none of that was guaranteed. The only thing for sure was that he was going to stay in that center for the rest of his childhood. Or so he thought- because Aizawa Shouta and Yamada Hizashi have other plans.“ 24/? chapters. we’ve been informed that this one’s gonne be l o n g and im Very Grateful.

42>Here There Be Dragons by here_and_there: pre-ShinDeku. “Izuku looked at the small circle Aizawa had motioned to in front of them. "I won't fit," he whispered, thinking. He raised his hand, tentatively. Sighing, Aizawa grumbled, "What?" "I-I have a question. Actually, two." His teacher just stared at him, unimpressed. Izuku continued. "Can we activate our quirks before we step into the ring?" Aizawa looked up into the sky, muttering something Izuku didn't hear. "If you must." "O-Okay. Uh, second question. You said we have to stay inside the circle, right?" "Yes." The man looked disappointed, not only in Izuku but in himself for letting the kid speak. "Great. Uh... does that include tails?"“ 6/? chapters.

43>Another Option by sandersonsister: TodoBakuDeku, Touya/Hawks, Dabi/Hawks. Potentially Spoilery, depends on whether horikoshi has the guts to confirm Touya. this one is waiting around the corner with a baseball bat, its really cute, and then r e a l l y painful. it might be getting better though. maybe. it might be getting worse. “When Touya stops his mother from hurting Shouto, he decides enough is enough. He needs to get out of this house and he's taking his baby brother with him.“ 33/? chapters.

That's it i’m done for now, oof. maybe ill edit more onto this post later, maybe i’ll just make another one. hope some of these work!

#fic rec #bnha #mha #tododeku #todobakudeku #kiribaku #shinkami #shindeku #erasermic #To Be Continued

[under-and-over-the-moon]

Hunger IV | Hyunjin

* Please read Part I, Part II, and Part III first for context*

pairing: Hyunjin x Reader

word count: 6.2k

genre: fantasy!au, historical!au, soulmate!au, forbidden love, smut, angst, fluff

warnings: smut! (so if you are under 18 please do not read), oral (f receiving), squirting, erections, cockwarming, fingering (f receiving), breast play, mentions of penetrative sex, more ~sexual healing~, FLUFF, i know there usually isn’t a warning for fluff but there is a lot of it here, angst, political trash fire now has spread to a different dumpster, pregnancy, pregnancy-adjacent symptoms, not great family dynamics, reader has some fleeting concerns about sexual expectations, self-doubt, Hyunjin is definitely working through some stuff, historical-style misogyny 

Note that all characters are adults.

A/N: Some Sunday smut 😂 I feel like I’m going to reread this in like a week and be like, oh god, what did I do, but I wanted to get this out before the week started

Comments, questions, and theories are always appreciated! 😊

~~~

You were now maybe a few days from home. You sat on the ground, threading the grass through your fingers. The familiar sound of the wind caressing the blades temporarily calmed you, quieting your ever-swirling thoughts.

And suddenly you heard a voice call out to you, tone desperate.

You knew that voice.

You would have assumed it was a hallucination if you hadn’t turned around to see Hyunjin throw himself off his horse and then run at you full speed, slowing down only when he was a few feet from you, eyeing your belly cautiously.

He threw his arms around you and began sobbing, repeating over and over as his lips met yours:

“I missed you...I missed you...I missed you...”

He pulled apart from you for a moment, staring at you, eyes wide, as if trying to reassure himself that you were real.

Your knees buckled from underneath you and he caught you before you fell, pulling you to him and sinking to the ground. He held your head against his shoulder, stroking your back and head lovingly as you cried into his shirt, turning the fabric a deep gray. Still shaking, you tore your torso away from him, placing your hands at the neck of his robes and gazing into his eyes.

He didn’t stop you as you opened up the robes, letting your fingers trail down his chest, renewing the images that had started to fade from your mind.

“I started...” you choked out, hand trailing along the edge of the gold, “...to forget.”

You saw pure pain shoot through his eyes, and he placed his hand over yours, together tracing the the gold. But then his eyes settled on your tiny bump.

“You’re showing now...” he whispered, eyes full of wonder, but his voice catching in his throat, “...Can I?” 

He reached a hand out towards you, and you took it in yours, guiding it over the fabric.

As his palm made contact, you saw in his expression how he melted, and he placed his other hand on your cheek, too overcome to express how he felt in words.

And just then, something clicked in your mind, and you muttered, “Hyunjin...” before reaching down to push the opening of his robes to the side, revealing a new section of gold now etched right above his navel.

He looked down, eyes wide, and you immediately fell back into his arms, holding him tighter than you ever had. Neither of you said anything. Nothing you said could capture how much it meant to you that the gold had spread, that your story hadn’t ended when you said goodbye in the bridal suite.

He broke apart from you then for just a moment, eyes shot with concern, and he said, quietly, cautiously, “And...how are you? How have you...been feeling?”

You sifted through the words in your head, struggling to come up with a way to convey how you had been without hurting him. But your emotions tumbled out before you could figure out how to form coherent thoughts, before you could filter them, and you found yourself again, leaning against his chest, loudly sobbing.

You were too tired, too overwhelmed, to keep yourself from saying the truth.

“I’ve been...” you choked out between sobs, “so scared...and so lonely...and I’m always tired and I feel sick all the time...and I don’t know what i’m doing...I don’t think I’m good enough to be a mother...to do any of this...”

“I’m so sorry,” he said, pulling you to him, and you could hear the way his heart was breaking, “I’m so, so sorry baby...I should have never...”

And then as your sobs intensified:

“I’m here. I’m here, I got you,” he whispered.

And so he just held you, rocking you in his arms, quietly saying “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.” And every time he said it, you could hear how his heart was shattering.

Your sobs eventually subsided, and when you finally reached a point where you weren’t gasping for air, you pulled away from his chest to look at him, a question heavy on your tongue.

“But how...” you asked, “How did you get out? How did the king let you go?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he said, face contemplative, but still cast with a shadow of pain, “He called me out of my room one day and just told me to go. To get out. No explanation.”

That was...strange. It didn’t make sense that the king would just let Hyunjin go. He was the key bargaining chip to secure the alliance, and you were sure that the king would absolutely not have let him go if there were no heir.

“Did he say what the status of the alliance was? With you leaving?” you asked.

“He didn’t and I didn’t ask. I know it was strange. Logically, I should have asked,” he admitted, “But I just didn’t care. As soon as he said I could go, I left. I couldn’t risk him changing his mind. I had to get to you. I just bolted out of the palace, got only what I absolutely needed for the trip, and then headed out of the city. I knew you had quite a head start, so I moved as fast as I possibly could across our route, hoping that I wasn’t too late, that I could catch up to you.”

You saw his features relax, but that troubled edge of guilt giving way to his characteristic softness, and then something that looked like bashfulness.

“That’s actually why,” he said, a blush spreading across his cheeks, “I look like this.”

He gestured to his clothing and you noted for the first time that indeed he was wearing an odd ensemble. He had on the normal furs and simple linen shirt of his clan, but it was paired with the voluminous, midnight bloomers that would have been worn under his palace robes.

“I was in such a rush to get out...I just kind of chucked stuff in my bag,” he said, “...and I forgot to pack extra pants.”

He shook his head at himself.

“Usually I forget something when I pack, but pants?! That actually was probably my biggest holdup getting here - I kept having to stop to wash them or mend them...and every time I washed them I would live in fear that some bandits would find me and I’d have to fight them off pantsless. That would truly be a new low.”

He you both laughed in spite of the heaviness of the last few minutes.

“So yeah,” he said, sheepishly, a hand behind his neck, “Sorry I’m not exactly dressed for success to meet you.”

“Hyunjin,” you said, the tone a warning, “You’re stunning. You could wear a barrel and you would still be the most beautiful human I’d ever seen.”

He smiled brightly. He had been told this all his life, and in most cases he resented it, but from you - it made his heart warm.

“I just...what can I do for you?” he said, eagerly, “How can I help?”

“Just sit with me,” you said. “I just want to be with you. I just need to hear your voice.”

You scooted back, patting the ground next to you, and he beamed down at you before settling behind you and pulling you into his arms.

~~~

“It’s getting a little chilly,” Hyunjin said to you as you lay nestled against his chest.

You had simply been sitting with him for the last few hours, basking in his touch, his presence, the way he nestled against you, kissed you softly whenever he sensed that you were a little upset or uncomfortable. 

You shivered as a cool breeze passed through your clothes. He kissed you on the side of your neck, muttering, “I’ll make a fire for us,” before gently standing up behind you.

And so you sat for a few minutes, watching as your husband coaxed the flames into being, until he returned to where you were sitting, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to his chest.

As you listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and breathing, the heat of the fire licking at your face, you found your muscles relax for the first time in weeks. You closed your eyes, beginning to doze off.

“You’re tired,” said Hyunjin gently, “Let’s get to sleep.”

He lead you to the tent, and you lay on the floor, melting into the blankets. He pulled the cord in his hair, letting it fall day over his face, and then lay down behind you, holding you close. You marveled at how strange it was that the last time you were together, in this same place, you were total strangers. But you didn’t have long to ponder this dramatic shift - you were soon, for the first time in weeks, deeply asleep.

~~~

You woke up some hours later, the dark outside still heavy, feeling hot. And it was immediately apparent why - Hyunjin had an absolutely vice-like grip on you.

“Hyunjin!” you whispered, wiggling a little bit, trying jostle him awake, “Too hot!”

Hyunjin bolted awake.

“Oh! Sorry!” he said, realizing how tightly he was holding you, relinquishing his grip.

“I guess I’m just...it wasn’t conscious but...I’m just afraid of waking up and you’re not there anymore,” he confessed, “I woke up every morning in that godforsaken suite and my heart would drop when I realized you were gone...and I didn’t know if...”

He trailed off, expression heavy.

“...So I maybe held you a little too tight,” he concluded, sheepishly.

You flipped over, cupping his face.

“I get it,” you said, “Me too. But also, I would like to not roast.”

“A reasonable request,” he said, smiling, “But if you get too cold, wake me up for that too. I would be glad to reprise my role as ‘blanket’.”

“I will almost certainly take you up on that,” you said, “So be careful what you offer. Because I will wake you up at 4am.”

You were just joking around, but a shadow passed over his face, dimming the playfulness you loved so much. It left behind a seriousness that was new to you - not the dutiful neutrality from before, but resolve.

“What I said in that room...” he said, “That I would take care of you, anything you needed, at any hour, I meant it.”

And you could see in his eyes the guilt just starting to bubble up again, his need to make up for lost time, and your heart hurt. You wanted to do anything you could to erase that guilt from his face, from his mind.

You threw your arms around him, kissing him on the lips, inviting him to melt into you. When you broke apart, you looked at him intently, and said, your own face serious, “I know.”

~~~

The sun woke you up a few hours later, and you immediately felt uncomfortable, your breasts sore, your belly cramping. It felt like everything hurt, and you tossed around, trying and failing to find a comfortable position. You were exhausted, many nights of anxious sleep catching up with you as you finally let yourself relax, and you felt a sob rise in your throat. You just wanted to feel better.

You tossed to the side again, this time away from Hyunjin, your breathing ragged as you tried to control your emotions. You were so irritated at yourself for being so easily upset, so weak.

“Hey, hey,” whispered Hyunjin, clearly having been woken up by your movement and sniffling, sensing that something was wrong, “Come here.”

He wrapped his arms around your belly, pulling himself up against you. He caressed it softly, kissing under your ear, stroking your hair, comforting you in every way he knew.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked.

“I’m just...” you took a deep breathe before continuing “...so tired. And my body hurts.”

“Where hurts?” he said, the concern heavy in his voice.

“Here,” you said, guiding his hand gently over your breasts.

“And here,” you said, pulling it down to your stomach.

“Would it help if I rubbed anywhere?”

“Maybe my stomach?” you said, “I think my breasts are too tender to touch right know.”

“Okay,” he said, kissing the back of your neck, “At your service.”

And he began to rub your belly in slow circles. The pain continued, but his gentle touch at least had calmed your nerves, evening out your breathing.

The were a few seconds of silence, and you could almost hear Hyunjin’s brain working.

“I don’t know if I can take the pain away,” he said, softly, “But I may be able to distract you from it. Make you feel good for a little bit.”

“Only if that’s what you want, though,” he continued, “I’d be gentle, but I know your body hurts, so we don’t have to if it would be too much. But if you think it would help -”

Despite the pain, you still felt your stomach tighten at his suggestion. It had been so long since he had really touched you, and you ached to have him attend to you. So you turned to him, nodding, and he smiled back at you.

“We can just try,” he whispered, “if it doesn’t help, or it’s too much, I can stop whenever.”

He positioned himself over you, propping himself up on his arms so as to not put any pressure on your stomach or breasts, and then kissed down your neck, across your collarbones. You moaned as he sucked the skin there, tension building between your thighs.

“Please...” you exhaled, and he kissed you once on the forehead, beaming at your impatience, before scooting backwards.

“Just relax, baby,” he said, his eyes soft and affectionate, but just starting to take on that edge of confidence, “You don’t need to do anything.”

And with that, he placed his hands on your knees, gently pulling your legs apart. Your eyes had closed at this point, so you couldn’t see what he was doing, but your breath caught in your throat as you felt him kiss between your legs, first on the soft skin of your inner thighs, and then softly placing his lips on your folds just as he had on your collarbones moments before. And then you felt him move up, starting to suck exactly where you needed him most, his tongue swirling.

It felt so good that you immediately cried out, gripping at the blankets below you. You felt him pause for just a second, afraid he had hurt you.

“Please don’t stop...please....” you moaned, voice breaking, your back arching.

With his mouth fully occupied, he reached up, lacing his hand in yours and squeezing it, acknowledging that he had heard you.

He continued his attentions, the pressure building and building between your legs, when you felt him plunge a finger inside you, hitting that spot again and again. You were so lost in that moment, so untethered in the pleasure, that you fully sobbed, but this time it was from pure elation, not the pain of the last few weeks. You felt him squeeze your hand again, grounding you as you finally came undone. An urge to push overcame you, and you felt yourself release.

When you finally came back to your senses, heart still pounding, you saw that his face, and the top of his robes, were soaked. You were horrified, your face burning with embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry, Hyunjin, I don’t know what-”, you mumbled, but you noted that he was absolutely beaming, his eyes tender.

“Never be sorry,” he said, “for letting go like that with me.”

He leaned down to snuggle up next to you, and then stopped himself.

“Uh, are you okay with this?” he said, as gently as he could, gesturing to his damp robes. “I understand if you want me to change first…”

“I don’t care…” you said, pulling him to you, kissing him long, hard, your hand sliding down the side of his neck.

He looked at you with such adoration, such softness that you felt your heart melt, and you held him tight to you. You could feel his smile against the juncture between your shoulder and neck, and then he kissed you there, ever so softly.

“Thank you,” you breathed, “thank you.”

“Anytime,” he said. His tone was playful, but his eyes were sincere.

~~~

Hyunjin had given you some time to fully come down from your high, to rest in the tent, while he made you some breakfast and tea. The scent coaxed you out eventually, and he handed the food over to you, wrapping you in a blanket, before he turned to start to pack up.

As you watched Hyunjin take down your tent, removing its hides and wrapping up the supports, you couldn’t help but beam.

“What is it?” said Hyunjin, noticing your expression and beaming back. “I know this this absolutely riveting to watch, but -”

Your heart squeezed, but this time, from joy.

“I’m just so happy,” you said, “I love you so much.”

He paused for a moment, and then dropped the beams and ran over to you, pulling you into an embrace, kissing you deep, hard.

“I love you too,” he said, brushing your hair back.

And then he turned, packing up the rest of the things as you talked and laughed, then leading your horse over to you.

You went to mount it as you had the whole trip, but suddenly you felt Hyunjin behind you, his hands on your waist, supporting you.

“Hyunjin...” you said, “Pregnancy didn’t make me forget how to get on horse.”

You felt just a twinge of irritation, but as you turned around to face him, you immediately softened when you saw his eyes full of worry, and the shadow of guilt.

“I know...” he said, “I just want to be sure you’re okay.”

You couldn’t help but smile at him, letting him hoist you up.

~~~

The whole time you rode, Hyunjin looked back at you every minute or so, checking that you were still upright, still balanced, that your horse looked stable. He tried to play it off that he was just checking out the scenery - you saw how his eyes would dart away whenever they made contact with yours - but he was, as you had found out initially when Advisor Casen had entered your room, not the best actor.

And, in one particular moment, as he turned toward you, the image in front of you clicked.

“Hyunjin!” you called ahead of you, “Hyunjin! Take off your shirt!”

He turned to you again, his expression questioning, but he stopped his horse anyway, and, as you caught up to him, he starting undoing the ties on his shirt.

And there it was, on the lower right side of his chest, a new section now turned gold.

He looked up at you in wonder.

“You riding ahead of me, looking back,” you said, “It was an exact match, so I thought we should check.”

“Wow...” he said, tone full of wonder, “I know logically that this is now going to happen, but it’s still so wild to me. And for you to call it like that…”

Something sparked in his expression.

“Oh!” he said, “I think we should take a break, to rest for a bit.”

You know what he really meant was to let you rest for a bit. But you didn’t protest - in truth, your legs ached, your already sore breasts hurt from bouncing for hours, and you were tired.

“I think I’m ready for that,” you said, and you held out your arms, inviting him to help you off. He beamed at your gesture and bounded off his horse, jogging towards you.

~~~

After he helped you down, he gently sat you on the grass, draping you in a blanket before sitting behind you, letting you lean against his chest. His arms were around you, and you felt secure, swaddled.

He kissed you slowly on the crown of your head, and gently asked, “How are you feeling?”

You were just on the edge of saying fine - a reflex - but again you found the truth tumbling out, as it so often did with Hyunjin.

“I’m feeling a bit nauseous, actually,” you said, looking back at him, smiling weakly.

“Okay,” he said, rubbing your belly in gentle circles, kissing you on the cheek, “Let me try and fix it.”

He moved his hands to your wrists and ever so gently applied applied pressure between your tendons on each wrist. Surprisingly, you felt the nausea begin to melt away, and with it, you melted back into Hyunjin.

“But how-?” you asked, looking back at him.

“Since I couldn’t play with the other boys, play sparring and things like that, I spent most of my childhood with my mother and aunts. So that meant a fair amount of time around pregnant women, having my aunts ask me to help them out with things if they weren’t feeling good...you pick up a few tricks, I guess,” he said, shrugging and smiling.

“I didn’t realize you grew up mostly around women,” you said, but the more you thought about it, the more it made sense. How soft he was. How attentive he was. How sweet he was, especially for a man from his clan.

“I spent a lot of time embroidering with them, actually..,” he admitted, giggling, “I can embroider a mean daffodil.”

“Arousing,” you said, cocking your head, a mischievous grin on your face.

He laughed, looking for a moment towards the horizon as some of the tension melted in his shoulders, but you were only half-joking. You could feel pressure just start to build between your legs. Something about the image of him, as he was now, delicately guiding thread did things to you.

He looked over, catching the way you bit your lip, eyes darkening.

“Oh,” he said, “Oh. You weren’t kidding. Guess I’ll just have to embroider some blankets for our marital bed then...”

You nudged him playfully, and he pulled you back against his chest, kissing your cheek. You stretched your hands out to intertwine with his, your thumb moving over the tattoos on his wrist.

“Fuck...” he groaned, and you could feel him grow hard against your back, a  moan slipping out, broken, desperate.

“I didn’t know -” you breathed, turning to look at him.

“I didn’t know either,” he replied, eyes wide, pupils blown, ”When you touched me on the wrist the first time, I felt something, but nothing close to that.”

“Fuck,” he breathed, “That was...intense.”

You could still feel him, now rock hard, against your back, and you swallowed hard. You were tired, your stomach ached, and the thought of him thrusting inside you...it made your head hurt.

“I don’t know if I can...” you said, looking down, “if I’m up for...”

You felt his body tense, and when you looked back at him, heart pounding, his eyes were wide with panic.

“Oh no, oh baby, I would never ask...” he said, kissing you on the forehead, “We only ever do anything you fully want to do.”

The tension fully left your body, and you felt him relax behind you as well.

“If it’s okay with you though,” he said, sheepishly, “I may need to go sit over there by myself for a minute. To cool off.”

He smiled at you reassuringly, eager to make you feel at ease.

“Oh!” you said, giggling, “Of course!”

And you shifted off him, as he reseated himself across from you.

“We probably should see the priest though...” he commented, a shadow passing over him face, “I need to know more so that doesn’t accidentally happen at the wrong time.”

“Agreed,” you said, laughing, “Perhaps not the best for professional gatherings.”

But there it was, the dread sinking deep in your stomach, taking root.This was the topic that haunted you at night, nipping at your heels. The last few days you had enjoyed floating in this liminal space with only Hyunjin, but you couldn’t stay here forever - you had to figure out how you would build a future, if you even could build a future together. You had thought through your plan if it were just you, and while you were beyond thrilled and relieved to be reunited with Hyunjin, it did make your plan...complicated.

The truth of the matter, though, was that Hyunjin or no Hyunjin, nothing was foolproof.

A fundamental issue common to both scenarios was that it was extremely likely that the baby would obviously look like him. His features were simply too unique, too strong, too otherworldly. So there would likely be no true way to hide from Cyrus.

If you tried to hide with your family, and Cyrus found out, it would cause issues not just for your little budding family, but your whole clan. If he found out you were hiding Hyunjin that would be bad enough, but if he found you were also hiding Hyunjin’s child, which went against the alliance...you shuddered to thinking how he would react to that. What you absolutely could not do was turn Cyrus against your family. That would almost certainly be deadly for your people as well as you.

If you split up - your heart sank - you might be safe temporarily, but Hyunjin would almost certainly be sent back to the capitol, and you would be stuck in the exact same position as before. And you would still have the same issue of Cyrus finding out that your child was Hyunjin’s after the birth, unless you fled.

And there was no way you could flee together - if Hyunjin disappeared, Cyrus would put a bounty on his head, and again, Hyunjin was just too beautiful to stay undetected for long.

You sighed, your head dropping as you played nervously with the grass. Noting your change in energy, Hyunjin scooted forward, rubbing comforting circles into your back. He knew what you were thinking about.

“What do you think we should do?”

“This baby...” you said, “No matter how we try to hide it, the truth is going to come to light. People are going to look at them and know. I think probably the best thing to do is see my family first. They’re less likely to react badly. I doubt they’ll be thrilled, but I don’t think they want me thrown at the feet of your father to do whatever he pleases. If we have even partial support, that might help our case with Cyrus...”

You saw Hyunjin flinch at the name.

“At the end of the day, us, this baby...it’s going to be the worst news for Cyrus. It messes with his beloved alliance. And technically, legally, you’re still married to Lia. Our baby is a bastard.”

He flinched again.

“The only way I think that Cyrus would at all forgive us, go easy on us, is if we convince him that this is the plan of the gods. Really, that’s our only option.”

His nodded, but his expression was tight, his eyes shot with fear. You could see him try to pull a mask over it to neutralize it, allowing his emotions to settle before letting the mask slide off.

“We should probably head to the next camp site,” he said, changing the subject, “before it gets dark.”

You knew he had more to say about his family, but it was clear that he was still processing, still trying to figure out how he himself felt before he could articulate it to you. So you didn’t pry. You would have some time before you headed over to his city.

“Oh!” he said, “before I forget...”

He turned back to his back rusting through to pull out a glass vial, uncorking it, and then held out a tiny leaf to you.

“Take this,” he said, handing it over to you.

“My aunts used to take this when they were pregnant, it helps keep the nausea away. I stopped by an apothecary in the city to get it, because I thought it might help. Actually....” he continued, his brows knitting together.

“The woman in there knew you. As soon as I entered the shop, she just said ‘your wife was here earlier’. But she wasn’t even looking at me.”

“That woman...” you said, “she had tattoos...around her wrist. Just like you. I saw it when her sleeve slipped. And she seemed to be very familiar with the central clans.”

His eyes went wide.

“She was a priest,” he said, “No women besides priests have these tattoos in our clan. And none of the other central clans have tattoos. So that’s how she knew.”

“I guess we truly were brought together by the gods,” he said, popping the leaf in your mouth and walking towards your horse, turning to Hyunjin.

Hyunjin quickly walked over and placed his hands on your hips, supporting you as you mounted.

“Without a doubt, wife” he beamed.

~~~

Once you arrived at your new campsite, Hyunjin quickly set up your tent, and the two of you snuggled up inside.

You tried to sleep, but there was something restless in you. No matter how you moved, how much you snuggled up to him, how tightly you held him, you just felt like you couldn’t get close enough. 

“Baby, what is it?” you heard him whisper, groggy as he woke up from your shifting. “Are you in pain? Nauseous?”

“No...” you responded, shifting again to try to wedge your head below his neck. He placed his hand on your hair, stroking it gently.

“I just feel like..,” you said, “I just can’t get close enough to you. No matter how I move.”

You felt him pull you in just a little bit tighter at your words.

“I’ve tried...every position,” you said, “It’s so frustrating.”

“Maybe...” he said, his tone taking on a cautious edge, “...we could take our clothes off? Not to do anything,” he added quickly, “I know you’re not up for that at this point...just to be closer. Might make you a little more comfortable.”

He pulled back, looking intently at you eyes.

“Okay,” you responded, “Let’s try it.”

He quickly untied his shirt, casting it aside, before wriggling out of his underpants, his long, lean body now fully on display. He then reached over, placing his fingers on your top tie, looking to you for consent. 

You gave him a small nod, and his fingers gently untied it, your collarbones coming into view. He then moved his hands down to the remaining ties, all the way down to the bottom of your sleepdress, before slowly pushing it off your shoulders.

As your full body came into view, you saw his eyes widen, training on your where your breasts had swollen, your hips had started to spread, the subtle curve of your belly. And you saw his cock start to harden, a drop of precum leaking out of the tip. He swallowed hard, and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself, holding his hands by his sides.

You gave him a few seconds to calm down, and then held your arms open, and he came down to embrace, pushing his whole body against you. You immediately felt relief, the warmth of his skin soothing the restlessness. You could also feel where he was still hard against your stomach.

“I’m sorry about...that,” he said, smiling sheepishly, “I can’t make it go down.”

“It’s okay,” you said, looking into into his eyes, stroking his hair, “I know this must be a lot for you. But I do feel better.”

And he smiled wholeheartedly, kissing you on the lips, and said, “Good, that’s all I want.”

And so you settled yourself against him, but you still felt a little unable to find the right position. You shifted again.

“Hyunjin...” you breathed.

His eyes shot open, “Yes, baby?”

“I still feel a little...and you’re free to say no but...could you maybe just slide inside me? But not move? I think my body just wants to be fully connected to yours.”

“Of course,” he responded immediately. You could see in his eyes that he was a little nervous about if he would be overwhelmed by the sensation, but he pushed the worry aside.

“Is it okay if I check if you’re ready first?,” he asked,”I don’t want to hurt you.”

You nodded, and he reached down past your stomach, between your hipbones, before you felt his finger so softly brush against your clit, teasing a moan out of you. He then ever so gently pushed a finger against your entrance.

You saw his face turn contemplative, before he said, “I don’t think you’re quite wet enough, baby...is it okay if I touch you a little bit to get you there?”

You nodded.

“Is there anything that’s sore? That you don’t want me to touch?” he asked, expression tender.

You shook your head, and you felt him move his finger up, slowly circling your clit, as he kissed up your stomach, taking one of your nipples and sucking, swirling his tongue around it.

You knew he was trying to be as gentle as he could, only trying to turn you on enough so that he wouldn’t hurt you, but not so much that you’d be uncomfortable, but you still felt yourself melting and moaning at his attentions.

As you got louder, he let go of your breast for a moment to look up at you, before sliding his finger back down to your entrance and ever so gently pushing it in, the walls giving easily, welcoming him in.

He looked up at you, eyes tender, moving his hand to your cheek and stroking it slowly with his thumb.

“You good?” he asked.

“Yes...” you said, “please Hyunjin.”

He gave you a quick kiss on the forehead, then wrapped a hand around his already-hard penis. He gently lined it up against your entrance, holding your hip down as he pushed in slowly. He watched your face the whole time, making sure there were no signs of pain or discomfort.

He suppressed a groan as he bottomed out, immediately folding back into you, but not moving at all inside you, just as you had requested. As his skin pressed against yours, now all of you connected, you felt an intense relief, the tension in your body completely melting away.

“Better?” asked Hyunjin, softly, his eyes so full of eagerness, so desperately wanting to take away your discomfort.

“Yes,” you said, “So much better.”

He kissed the top of your head, and you felt his heart tumble just a little bit at your words, giving him away. And so the two of you fell asleep like this, as connected as two people could be.

~~~

The butterflies in your stomach woke you up early the next morning. If your estimates were correct, you would arrive in your home city by nightfall. You had some hope that it would not go terribly, but there were no guarantees. You felt restless, agitated.

Hyunjin was still inside you, now soft, and you held him close for a moment, trying to calm yourself.

“You okay?” you heard him ask, gently.

“Nervous,” you mumbled into his chest.

“I know,” he said, stroking your hair, “Me too. But I’ve got you. We’ve got each other.” He leaned forward, planting a kiss on your forehead before stroking your bare back, his hand then passing over the curve of your hips.

“I didn’t realize how much your body had changed,” he said, quietly, “until last night.”

Your stomach tightened. Did he think it was ugly? Too lumpy?

“I’m just so grateful” he admitted, his voice breaking as he looked down at the way your belly swelled, “I get to see you like this, at this stage of your pregnancy. Getting to see the way your body is changing to nourish our baby, how it’s preparing to bring them into the world...I didn’t know if I’d ever...”

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” he whispered, his voice tender, his eyes glistening, “I’m so grateful to you.”

You kissed him, hard, deep, melting into him, but you felt him pull away as he hardened inside you. 

“Is it okay if I pull out?” he said, “I should go get you some breakfast and tea and pack things up for today.”

You nodded, and he gently pulled away, disconnecting your bodies. You knew breakfast was only an excuse - he didn’t want his erection to make you uncomfortable, to make you think you had to do something about it, so he was removing himself from the situation.

You met him outside after a few minutes, your robe pulled over you. After a quick breakfast, he helped you up onto your horse, and the two of you set off towards your home.

~~~

A few hours later, a sea of tents came into view.

He reached his hand out and laced it in yours, squeezing it once again to ground you.

~~~

* Part V Now Available Here :) *

~~~

taglist: @hwangful, @currently-xuxi, @maedesculpaeusoubi​

Photo by Peter Luo on Unsplash  

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