#and just melody and her wife....like look at them...they get to be gay and married and live together....no bury your gays here

[jonathantaylorthomas]

OK, Swifties. You liked the fairytale fictions and indie-cred boast of Taylor Swift’s pandemic alt-folk records. But you’ve been yearning for the intimacy you felt when she knocked out those confessional bangers, haven’t you? Well, the wait is over. Playing Midnights will make you feel as though you’re sleeping over at her house while she spills secrets and settles scores into the night. Over a series of murky electronic grooves (mostly co-written with Jack Antonoff), the pop star unpacks her darkest dreams, deepest doubts and cruellest thoughts. All the while she keeps things just cryptic enough to keep the tension crackling and the speculation buzzing.

That said, she’s already stopped speculation about the opening track, “Lavender Haze”. “Gaylor” fans who’ve stuck (rather doggedly) to a queer reading of Swift had hoped that the song might be a coming-out track because of the colour’s long association with gay culture. But in an Instagram post, Swift explained that she had happened upon the phrase while watching Mad Men and found it was vintage slang for a dreamy love glow. Against the throb of a synth bass, she appears to be addressing the misogynistic media obsession with whether or not she’s marrying actor boyfriend Joe Alwyn, with whom she’s been settled since 2016. “All they keep asking me / Is if I’m gonna be your bride / The only kinda girl they see / Is a one night or a bride” she notes (you can hear the eye-roll). But as the vocal layers build, she shakes off the judgement effortlessly: “Talk your talk and go viral / I just need this love to spiral.”

The slower, grimier texture of “Maroon” is a dive back into a past relationship (place your bets). Describing the affair, Swift sings of it decaying from the initial pink of cheap rosé to the “rust that grew between telephones”.

She’s on her best, self-scrutinising storytelling form on the excellent “Anti-Hero”, which lyrically sends zinger after zinger bubbling up through the fuzz of distortion. She unpicks the unwieldiness of her stardom with terrific, surreal imagery. “Sometimes I feel like everyone is a sexy baby / And I’m the monster on the hill / Too big to hang out / Slowly lurching towards your city / Pierced through the heart but never killed.” She skewers her acts of public kindness, too: “Did you hear my covert narcissism / I disguise as altruism / Like some kind of congressman?”

Things get funnier as the singer, whose fortune is estimated at around $750m, slur-growls: “I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money / She thinks I left them in the will / The family gathers round and reads it / And then someone screams out ‘She’s laughing up at us from hell!’” Swift lays into her “niceness” again on the poppier swell of “Bejewelled”, on which she warns a guy that she has the capacity to light up rooms (and all the boys in the band) if he doesn’t pay more attention.

“You’re on Your Own, Kid” digs into a catchy-cute guitar melody – flecked with pretty pings that echo her early pop – as Swift looks back on the days when she sang her songs in the parking lot. Lines about starving her body, hoping for the perfect kiss, are a nod to her Romeo and Juliet teen dreams. This sweetness is balanced by the vocal distortions and rhythmic lurches of “Midnight Rain”, on which Swift revels in her role as a heartbreaker. By the time she gets to noirish rap “Vigilante S**t”, she’s relishing her shadow-self, ripping into a cheating lover. “I don’t dress for women / I don’t dress for men,” goes her predatory purr. “Lately, I’ve been dressing for revenge.” As ever, Swift drops just enough filmic detail to conjure a scene: an envelope handed to a wife who’s now driving her ex’s Benz. And there’s some classy-sharp wordplay about the guy who was “doing lines/ and crossing all of mine”. Through it all, the low vibration of the synth is stalked by the treble rattle of a snare drum. The effect is of a woman in stilettos hunting a shadow.

There’s been some excitement online about the teased track “Karma”. Many thought it would address her spat with Kanye West, and that it might have been taken from an album lost during that time. But the swipes at a “spiderboy, king of thieves” waving a “web of opacity” would suggest it’s about her ex, Spider-Man star Jake Gyllenhaal (who famously dumped her by text, breaking her heart and inspiring the album Red which she recently re-recorded). The album ends with “Mastermind”, which seems to be about Alwyn again – and includes a confession that, like “all wise women”, she engineered some aspects of their romance. “I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian because I care…” Ha.

The subtle melodies of Midnights take time to sink their claws in. But Swift’s feline vocal stealth and assured lyrical control ensures she keeps your attention. Turn the lights off and let these songs prowl around you. Just don’t expect their meanings to settle too biddably into your lap. Swift’s always as elusive as she is allusive.

[angel-archivist]

archive 81 brainrot is ALWAYS,

#HRGGNG THE AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN THE SHOW GIVES ME IS: IMMENSE #like OH MY GOD....... #heart heart heart you know??? #i just...i love :((( nick and chris's sibling banter in season 3 and static man aahhhh and his subversion of being terrifying unknowable ent #and just the most bro dude guy around i love him so much #and just melody and her wife....like look at them...they get to be gay and married and live together....no bury your gays here #and nick :((( please mr. waters tell me more about the french revolution /j #fjguhgifdgh #RAT TOO RHGNFGJN #and lou :(( canon himbo hours i love him so much and his genuine fasination and enjoyment of city #nd the CITY is so cool like ahhhhhh.. #:((( I LOVE the show so much #plus the pacing is faster and its so much easier to listen to and relisten to them tma #like.... i can relisten to all of season 1 in a day bc its so short #adn then i can just sit down and listen to like 40 minute long episodes because the dialouge is so fast moving and enjoyable you cant even #tell its that long #someone please come into my inbox and gush about a/81 with me please #retro.bullshit

[annie-banks]

Adore You - Harry Styles (2019) // you’re wonder, under summer sky // All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor (2014) // every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top // Alone Again – Betty Who (2014) // when it rains it pours and you drown me out // Anything Could Happen – Ellie Goulding (2012) // letting darkness grow, as if we need it's palette and we need it's color // Bad Girls - M.I.A. (2012) // leaving boys behind ‘cause it’s illegal just to kill // Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna (2015) // your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car // Blank Space – Taylor Swift (2014) // darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream // Bloodbuzz Ohio – The National (2010) // I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees // Bo$$ – Fifth Harmony (2014) // boss. Michelle Obama. purse so heavy gettin' Oprah dollas // Boy Problems - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // I think I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don't really care // Boys - Charli XCX (2017) // I wish I had a better excuse like I had to trash the hotel lobby // Butterflies - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // I was hiding in doubt till you brought me out of my chrysalis // Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen (2011) // before you came into my life I missed you so bad // Call Your Girlfriend – Robyn (2010) // don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed // Canyon Moon - Harry Styles (2019) // doors yellow, broken, blue // Chandelier – Sia (2014) // I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry // Cherry - Harry Styles (2019) // I confess I can tell that you are at your best, I'm selfish so I'm hating it // Circles - Post Malone (2019) // we couldn't turn around, 'til we were upside down // C’mon - Panic! At the Disco and Fun. (2011) // feels like I am falling down a rabbit hole, falling for forever, wonderfully wandering alone // C’Mon – Kesha (2012) // feeling like a saber-tooth tiger sipping on a warm budweiser // Cruise (Remix) - Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly (2012) // she was sippin' on southern and singin' Marshall Tucker, we were falling in love in the sweet heart of summer // Daddy Lessons - Beyonce ft. Dixie Chicks (2017) // it’s your song // Dark Fantasy – Kanye West (2010) // too many Urkels on your team, that's why your wins low // Death of a Bachelor - Panic! At the Disco (2016) // the lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live? // Demons- Sleigh Bells (2012) // They're gonna stand em up six by six by six // Diane - Cam (2017) // And all those nights that he's given to me I wish that I could give them back to you // Diane Young – Vampire Weekend (2013) // you torched a Saab like a pile of leaves // Downtown - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz, Kool Moe Dee (2016) // neighbors yelling at me like, you need to slow down going thirty-eight, Dan, chill the fuck out, mow your damn lawn and sit the hell down // End of the Day - One Direction (2015)// I told her that I loved her, just not sure if she heard. the roof was pretty windy and she didn't say a word, party died downstairs, had nothing left to do just me, her and the moon // Fireproof – One Direction (2015) // riding on the wind and I won't give up // ***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Nicki Minaj (2013) // mayday, mayday, earth to bitches // Follow Your Arrow - Kacey Musgraves (2013) // if you save yourself for marriage, you're a bore. if you don't save yourself for marriage, you're a whore-able person // Formation - Beyonce (2016) // always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper // Forrest Gump – Frank Ocean (2012) // my fingertips and my lips, they burn from the cigarettes // Freaks and Geeks – Childish Gambino (2011) // I have worked all winter, I will not fail summer, in the back of the bush, like Gavin Rossdale's drummer // Gay Pirates - Cosmo Jarvis (2011) // and I hope they didn't tie up your hands as tight as mine. I'll see you on the bed of this blue ocean, babe, sometime // Get Lucky – Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams (2013) // the present has no ribbon, your gift keeps on giving // Glory - Bastille (2016) // and then you put your hand in mine and pulled me back from things divine, stop looking up for heaven, waiting to be buried // Good Grief - Bastille (2016) // caught off guard by your favourite song, I'll be dancing at a funeral, dancing at a funeral // Green Light - Lorde (2017) // I whisper things, the city sings them back to you // Grown - Little Mix (2015) // no regrets, it's a lesson learned 'cause what you think ain't my concern // Hayloft - Nickel Creek (2014) // young lovers with their legs tied up in knots // Holocene – Bon Iver (2011) // and at once I knew I was not magnificent // I Believe - Original Broadway Cast (2011) // and I believe that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri // I Like It - Cardi B, Bad Bunny, and J Balvin (2018) // I like those Balenciagas, the ones that look like socks // I Love It – Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX (2012) // you're from the '70s, but I'm a '90s bitch // Judas – Lady Gaga (2011) // I'm just a holy fool, oh baby he's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby // Juice - Lizzo (2019) // I be drippin' so much sauce got a bitch lookin' like RAGÚ // Just Hold On - Steve Aoki ft. Louis Tomlinson (2016) // feels like you're standing on the edge looking at the stars and wishing you were them // Laura Palmer – Bastille (2013) // what a year and what a night, what terrifying final sights put out your beating heart // Lemonworld – The National (2010) // I gave my heart to the Army, the only sentimental thing I could think of // Love on Top – Beyonce (2011) // I can see the stars all the way from here, can't you see the glow on the window pane // Make Me Feel - Janelle Monáe (2018) // it's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender, an emotional, sexual bender // Making the Most of the Night - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // baby I'm speeding and red lights, I'll run // Meet Me in the Hallway - Harry Styles (2017) // just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor // Menswear – The 1975 (2013) // well, who's this? going for the kiss, I'm probably gonna yosh in your mouth // Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (2013) // if you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find, just know that I'm always parallel on the other side // Monster – Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, and Bon Iver (2010) // you could be the king but watch the queen conquer // The Mother We Share - Chvrches (2012) // I'm in misery but you can't see, as old as your omens // My Church - Maren Morris (2016) // I just keep the wheels rolling, radio scrolling 'til my sins wash away // N****s in Paris - Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // Prince William's ain't do it right if you ask me 'cause I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley // Oh, What a World - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // did I know you once in another life? are we here just once or a billion times? // Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus (2019) // cowboy hat from Gucci, Wrangler on my booty // Otis – Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // luxury rap, the Hermes of verses, sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive // Pineapple Girl - Mister Heavenly (2011) // I am besieged by the vagaries of power. I'm all alone and lonely in this tower // Primadonna – Marina and the Diamonds (2012) // I know I've got a big ego, I really don't know why it's such a big deal though // Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People (2010) // he's got a rolled cigarette, hanging out his mouth he's a cowboy kid // Radio - Lana Del Rey (2012) // pick me up and take me like a vitamin 'cause my body's sweet like sugar venom // Raising Hell - Kesha ft. Big Freedia (2019) // hungover, heart of gold, holy mess. doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed // Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (2011) // been talking 'bout the way things change // Royals - Lorde (2013) // we don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair // S.O.B. - Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats (2015) // I'm going to cover myself with the ashes of you and nobody's gonna give a damn // Satisfied - Original Broadway Cast (2015) // it's a dream and it's a bit of a dance, a bit of a posture, it's a bit of a stance. He's a bit of a flirt, but I'm 'a give it a chance. I asked about his fam'ly, did you see his answer? his hands started fidgeting, he looked askance? he's penniless, he's flying by the seat of his pants // Sex – The 1975 (2013) // and she said use your hands and my spare time, we've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine // Shake It Out – Florence + the Machine (2011) // our love is pastured such a mournful sound, tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground// Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon (2014) // my discotheque Juliet teenage dream // Silly Love Songs - Darren Criss (2011) // how can I tell you about my loved one // Some Nights - Fun. (2012) // this is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go. who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun? // Someone Like You – Adele (2011) // we were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days // Sorry - Justin Bieber (2015) // *dolphin noises* // Spaceship - Kesha (2017) // I knew from the start I don't belong in these parts. there's too much hate, there's too much hurt for this heart // Stars - Fun. (2012) // some nights I rule the world with bar lights and pretty girls, but most nights I stay straight and think about my mom // Stitches - Shawn Mendes (2015) // needle and the thread gotta get you out of my head // Sunflower, Vol. 6 - Harry Styles (2019) // *gasp* your flowers just died, plant new seeds in the melody // Super Bass - Nicki Minaj (2010) // and he ill, he real, he might gotta deal. he pop bottles and he got the right kind of build. he cold, he dope, he might sell coke. he always in the air, but he never fly coach // Take Me to Church - Hozier (2013) // I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife // Thank u, Next - Ariana Grande (2018) // she taught me love, she taught me patience, how she handles pain // The Pachanelly Canon - Gentleman’s Rule (2012) // I'm getting pages out of New Jersey, from Courtney B telling me about a party up in NYC. can I make it? damn right I be on the next flight. payin cash. first class. sittin' next to Vanna White // The Wire - Haim (2013) // I just know, I know, I know, I know that you're gonna be okay anyway // Theme From “Cheers” - Titus Andronicus (2010)// I'm sick and tired of everyone in this town being so goddamn uptight, but don't you worry, I'll do all the talking when they turn on the flashing lights // Thieves – She & Him (2010) // I'm not a prophet, old love is in me. new love just seeps right in and makes me guilty // This is America - Childish Gambino (2018) // tell somebody, you go tell somebody. grandma told me, get your money, black man // Trouble - Neon Jungle (2013) // lights up let's have a toke, pour more whiskey in my coke .. Truth Hurts - Lizzo (2017) // you coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal // Uma Thurman - Fall Out Boy (2015) // and I slept in last night's clothes and tomorrow’s dreams, but they are not quite what they seem // Wetsuit – The Vaccines (2011) // with a cool, cool breeze and dirty knees, I rest on childhood memories // What a Feeling - One Direction (2015) // when the air ran out and we both started running wild, the sky fell down // Wilson - Fall Out Boy (2018) // I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color // Wolves - One Direction (2015) // I feel the waves getting started, it's a rush inside I can't control // You Need Me, I Don’t Need You - Ed Sheeran (2011) // melody music maker, reading all the papers, they say I'm up and coming like I'm fucking in an elevator // You’re in Love With a Psycho - Kasabian (2017) // I'm like the taste of macaroni on a seafood stick

Songs that would have made the list were they on Spotify: We Can’t Stop - Bastille // I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer) - Childish Gambino //  G.O.O.D. Friday - Kanye West ft. Common, Pusha T, Kid Cudi, Big Sean & Charlie Wilson // Driving in Cars with Boys - Lana Del Rey // Blurred Lines - Vampire Weekend // a number of mashups (Office Musik, What Makes You Da One, Live While We Die Young, Brush Your Bittersweet Shoulders Off, We Are Complicated)

#best songs of the decade #music

[artificialqueens]

believe in love (scyvie) - melody

Summary: A small sentence, “I love you” couldn’t come of Scarlet’s mouth - seems like alcohol would do the job for her on that night. In which Scarlet gets drunk and tells Yvie she loves her. read on ao3/ writing blog/ main blog 

A/N: This is kinda of an epilogue for chemistry!scyvie so if you didn’t read (chemistry) you don’t need to - but I’d recommend if you wanna see more of these soft lesbians, and the whole feelings are chemicals!verse if you wanna see a bunch of soft lesbians on general hehe.  Also a (late) birthday gift for zyan (@ Thanks to the anon who requested this on tumblr, to my amazing beta @ artificialmeggie, and to zyan for just existing. 

The way to Scarlet and Yvie’s apartment was usually short; it was nearby the campus so short walking meant more time snuggling each other and being cheesy together. Yvie was foolishly smiling to Scarlet’s passionate emerald eyes mesmerized by the colors in the sky, even if she gave her zero attention, it was a moment she had with her - Scarlet Envy would never let herself look like a fool for a sunset in front of others, but in front of Yvie she seemed to be more loose, to be herself, to not care about the others and to keep her firm, confident stance all the time - it was like Yvie set her free.

Frequenting the Fashion Institute of Technology could be fancy, splendid - in fancy words like the place - challenging, a unique experience, but most of all it was one thing: exhausting. It was finals week, so all they could do was study to pass their exams and finish their projects. Finally Friday came, and they were walking home before the last exam. On that week the walking home time was basically the only time they had together, since all they could do was to study, cry, and stress over everything.

Even if they lived in the same place, if you entered Scarlet and Yvie’s flat you would see Scarlet’s hair messy all over and her tears trying to learn the damn history of fashion, and her girlfriend probably yelling in their room because of her unfinished project - Scarlet knew what that meant for Yvie. It was funny, even if on some of the past days they got to be fond with each other, it was very marked with the stress - but they could always cuddle at night or walk home together watching the sunset, it was their moment, and Scarlet would kill for having it every day.

All that stress made Scarlet look like Regina George, but the college and gay edition - or even worse, who knows? She knew she was the baddest bitch around, and that she didn’t need that mask to be around others, but in many ways she could only let off her guard with Yvie - it was like her girlfriend had some kind of magic on her. Yvie was magnetic, every time they were together she could feel the undeniable chemistry around them, connecting them like an invisible tie - since they met, and now, they were meant to be.

And they survived finals together, and even if it made Scarlet - probably make a lot of people - want to burst into the sun with her excessive confidence around, it helped her.- She had little difficulty in the exams, and she knew Miss Visage loved the dress she sewed - a new thing in the air, since Miss Visage always hated her designs. All of that also thanks to Yvie, for always being there to walk home with her, or to give her random cuddles at night and quick kisses in the morning, even if she knew she was too worried or didn’t have time for that.

Scarlet and Yvie were in that so-called honeymoon period of the relationship, where they rarely had disagreements and fights - they never fought to say it exactly - but also were an immature couple; immature and in love, but they couldn’t say it to each other because that three little words sentence held them back. Saying ‘’I love you’’ was terrifying, even if they felt it they couldn’t say it. Welcome to the honeymoon.

‘’Home sweet home,’’ Yvie sighed when she finally got to the door of their apartment, looking for her keys. ‘’I can’t believe we are at peace now’’

‘’We are, finally.’’ Scarlet let out a laugh. ‘’Finally alone,’’ she joked, like one of those lines people say when they leave their wedding. ‘’Pick me up bridal style, Yvie. Yvie, pretty please?’’

Suddenly Scarlet was in Yvie’s strong arms, smiling convinced. She knew Yvie would do that - that stupid, ridiculous thing Scarlet joked about, it was so dumb yet so cute. It made butterflies say hello to Scarlet’s stomach, imagining how would it be if Yvie was picking her up as her real bride in their real new place.

Yvie placed her on the couch very delicately, with the touch of a feather. Scarlet couldn’t help looking at her, she loved her; it could not be said - not right now, it was too early, they were too immature for such things.

‘’Here you are, Mrs. Oddly, how are you feeling?’’

Scarlet burst in a laugh: ‘’I’d rather take the name ‘Oddly’ than ‘Bridges,’ even if it’s not your real surname.’’

‘’Well, it’s just the mean name people call me for being weird, Yvie Oddly, and now you are weird too, Scarlet Oddly.’’

‘’…Or you can be Yvie Envy’’

‘’Uh, classy! It makes a funny sound when you say it.’’ She took a seat at Scarlet’s side. ‘’We can be weird and envious.’’

‘’It’s not like we are getting married anyways, bitch, we are poor.’’ Scarlet joked, but it was true. She would love to be Yvie’s wife someday, but they were barely in their first year of college, and money was taboo in that house - as broke college students, they didn’t have it.

‘’True true. Damn, do you think it’s too cheesy to think about marriage when we just started dating?’’

‘’Yes, but it’s with me so it’s allowed because honestly, who wouldn’t want to marry this goddess?’’ Scarlet blinked.

Yvie’s soft sigh indicated that she agreed with Scarlet. She told her multiple times she thought it was cute that she was so confident when she knew how soft she was inside. It was incredible how Yvie was so unique, and told her such little intimate things with only a soft sigh, and her hands in her hair, contemplating the little things they had and the big things they could have in the future. Was it love? Scarlet really felt it, but the words never learned how to come out of her mouth; she wondered if in the future, these words would come.

‘’We haven’t been together like this in a while…’’ Yvie kissed her forehead ‘’I was so stressed, I’m sorry.’’

‘’Yvie, you stupid bitch, I-’’ Damn, she was smiling like a fool and ready to say it. ‘’I… I think you don’t need to be sorry, duh. I mean… W-we were both busy bitches, both stressed.’’ She shuddered, trying to disguise the fact that words almost found their way.

‘’Are you okay, Scar?’’

‘’Yes I am, I just don’t like to see you blaming yourself.’’

‘’You surely liked it when I blamed myself for being so dumb over you when we met

‘’It was different!’’ Scarlet stamped her feet. ‘’I was showing you I liked you all that time, and you were like ‘we are gal pals’ and kissed another girl.’’ She pouted.

Their story was very funny to look at, a true cliché to remember. Yvie was looking for a roommate, and Scarlet was very broke, so she rented her place. Not so far ago, they started to live together and fell in love - both of them had crushes on each other - it was pathetically sweet. Yvie was too blind to realize Scarlet’s signs - the girl always was so energetic and confident, she couldn’t bear Yvie seeming to reject her, even if she was just clueless. In the end, they realized they liked each other, and now they weren’t just ‘gal pals’ as Yvie used to say.

Not so long ago, but it seemed like a while. She felt like she could spend all her eternities with Yvie, so the memories from early times seemed to be on another century. Was time a thing anyway? Yvie taught her how to question, so time was fake when they were together. The damn words wanted to come out again, she couldn’t let them. No matter how incredibly magnetic Yvie was, she couldn’t tell her she loved her with all her heart - even in such a short amount of time being in love together, she was in love with her.

Yvie kissed her pout. ‘’I’m not dumb Yvie anymore I promise.’’ She raised her hand. ‘’I solemnly swear to be very gay for Scarlet Envy and realize she is very gay for me.’’

Scarlet cackled so loud, Yvie always knew how to make her laugh.

‘’What do you wanna do tonight, Scar? We need to celebrate the end of finals.’’

‘’Mmm, I would suggest clubbing.’’

‘’I thought you were like an old lady. Old ladies don’t like clubbing,’’ Yvie mocked.

‘’But I’m still eighteen. Shut up, I want alcohol and to dance with my Yvie Yvie all night.’’ Scarlet crossed her arms, pouting again.

‘’God, you are so perfect I can’t even.’’ Yvie laughed.

‘’Are you sure you wanna see me drunk again, Yvie? Last time was…’’

‘’Yes, don’t drink too much, or get in any cat fights, please. I have to take care of baby don’t I?’’

‘’Bold of you to assume I’m the baby, you’re my baby, and my bitch!’’

Yvie shook her head laughing. ‘’Baby, you’re baby.’’

All that cheesiness would normally make Scarlet want to puke, but it was with Yvie, and somehow all of that became original and unique just as she was.

‘’I’m going to shower, baby.’’ Scarlet realized how sweaty she was - thanks to New York’s burning hot sun - and hopped in the shower first before Yvie, but her girlfriend had other plans.

‘’We can save water.’’ Yvie got her towel in her hands as Scarlet gave her a suggestive smile. ‘’Hey! I’m serious, I swear I didn’t-’’

‘’But I did.’’ She smiled.

‘’Nasty!’’

‘’I am!’’ She pressed Yvie against the bathroom door and kissed her lips softly. ‘’And you’re baby.’’

‘’Damn.’’

‘’And my bitch.’’

Yvie couldn’t help laughing, Scarlet didn’t think it was funny for the moment - but with Yvie it was always like this, sweetly unpredictable.

[…]

‘’Do I always need to say you look stunning?’’ Scarlet commented when Yvie entered the living room in a dark red long sleeve short dress and long leather black boots that matched the beret she had in her head. ‘’I never get tired of saying it, gods.’’

It was true, the shades of night that came from their window made Yvie look like a true goddess. The pale moonlight lighting her glowing black eyes, Scarlet always thought they were so expressive, so beautiful - people vangloried blue and green eyes, but black eyes as Yvie’s were a deep ocean in the dark, a night sky full of stars, Scarlet wanted to get lost in them. Her stance was so beautiful, the way her full perfect lips curved in a smile, that girl could take all her ‘’I love yous’’ if she wanted to.

‘’And I’ll say you and your party dress are prettier than all the wonders in the world or some shit.’’

‘’Shut up. I look good as always, but like a basic ho compared to you.’’ Scarlet looked down to her sparkly silver cocktail dress, and matching stilettos - she was glowing like the moon, but the moon was nothing without her night sky.

‘’Bitch, you look so cute, I can’t even- You got me speechless.’’

‘’Oh, okay if you wanna stop being wrong, our Uber arrived.’’

Of all the Uber drivers they ever got, this one was a tragic character. The girl kept whining about a girl she loved to Scarlet and Yvie, telling them how lucky they were to have each other and that none of them got away. Scarlet’s nosy instinct really wanted to ask what happened, but Yvie scolded her with the eyes - considering that their driver was almost crying, it wasn’t the best of the ideas.

It must be such a painful thing to lose somebody you love and live every day with this on your back - the person in your head, the dreams you used to share in the air… She was scared to tell Yvie she loved her, because like that sad Uber driver, she could lose the love of her life.

But now she had another thing to worry about: alcohol. Scarlet loved to drink, she liked the way she got when she was drunk: loose, free. She was about to run to the bar, but Yvie got on her way.

‘’Poor girl, Alaska, should we give her five stars?’’

‘’She’s trying, I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you.’’ Scarlet let out, and then realized what she just said and covered her mouth ‘’I mean-’’

‘’Shhh, you won’t. Why would you babes?’’ She patted her shoulder.

‘’Mmm, nevermind.’’ She bit her lip, telling Yvie she loved her in that moment would be very… She didn’t want to end up like Alaska anyways.

Nothing was holding her back now to get her first drink and go to the dancefloor. The club lights accentuated her figure, and Yvie’s as well - she looked like a real goddess on the dancefloor. In one instant it was like there was nobody there: just Scarlet and Yvie, dancing together to the blasting music. Scarlet wasn’t the best dancer, she was - in nice words - awkward. But what were judgmental looks when her girlfriend was looking at her and smiling like a fool?

The moves were invented, awkward, and foolish but she was loving every second of it. Yvie knew how to dance, but she was trying to do Scarlet’s moves no matter how dumb they were - which resulted in a laugh. Scarlet realized on her third or fourth drink that she was kind of drunk.

Numbed by the music, letting her body take them, suddenly they looked like one. The club smelled like alcohol and a mix of perfumes, but all she could smell was Yvie’s sweet roses perfume; the lights were blinding, colorful, and a lot of people were there, but all she could see was Yvie; all she could want was Yvie, and no music was sweeter than Yvie’s laugh to Scarlet awkwardly trying to dance.

‘’Go easy,’’ Yvie said ‘’Don’t drink too much.’’ But it was useless, Scarlet had those words in her guts, the three letter sentence was there since the day started and she thought alcohol would help her to not say it. For one moment, Yvie lost control over her girlfriend, now Scarlet was walking in the club, though the crowd, loud music, annoying mix of fragrances, and blinding colorful lights. People were utterly confused by the drunk girl, but all she wanted to do was to awkwardly dance, and forget her love for Yvie trying to escape from her throat.

By her sixth drink, everything was a blur, and she couldn’t even find where Yvie was. She could only hear her voice in the background, loudly yelling her name, looking for her. Scarlet was incapable of following that voice, she knew that she would tell her she loved her if she did.

‘’I found you! Jesus, I said to go easy.’’ And the blur she saw now was very charming… Yvie.

‘’Yvie I-’’ It was coming, drinking was a terrible idea.

‘’Fuck, I said to not drink this much. I was scared worried about you!’’

‘’Sorry baby I- You’re so beautifuuuuul. I’m a loser, loose loser!’’ Words made no sense right now.

‘’No, no drunk babbling this time.’’

‘’When did you became Miss Del Rio, that’s so funny.’’ Scarlet booped her nose. ‘’Oooooold’’

‘’God, let’s go home!’’

Yvie seemed angry and didn’t say anything in the whole way home. Scarlet had this awful feeling that she disappointed her Her head was spinning but the guilt was still there penetrating her mind.

‘’Sorry,’’ Scarlet mumbled in the car, with her head buried in Yvie’s shoulder, tears in the corner of her eyes.

‘’Shhh shhh, it’s okay. I can’t be mad at you! Sorry for acting like bitchy old lady Miss Del Rio.’’ She kissed her forehead. ‘’I just got so worried, you have no idea.’’

‘’I wonder if Adore has to handle that all the time.’’

‘’A lot, babe, a lot, trust me. She parties a lot and Del Rio is… Old.’’

‘’We partieeed, and celebrateeeed!’’

‘’Damn right we did.’’ Yvie laughed, her laugh was music to Scarlet’s ears in that situation.

The elevator was broken, luckily they lived on the second floor and the stairs weren’t too tricky for drunk Scarlet to trip on them.

‘’Careful, careful, it’s just a few stairs we can do it-’’

‘’Yvie, I think I’ll-’’ And she fell. ‘’Ouch!’’

Yvie facepalmed and picked her up: ‘’Bridal style, remember?’’

Scarlet smiled, and as they got in the front door she started to babble - no surprise. But babble about them, about how Yvie was perfect, and about how happy she was; all of that while Yvie looked for her keys, but she couldn’t eye roll when Scarlet was being so cute.

‘’I love you-’’

It came out so naturally, especially with the alcohol. She wanted to say that since the day started and she saw Yvie’s face when she woke up - grumpy, because last exam was there and she wanted more sleep, but lovely. In fact, it seemed to start in the second she saw Yvie sketching in the hallways of college, or when they started to live together, or even in their dumb gay trajectory to get together… It was love, true love, Scarlet loved her so much that it came out so naturally of her mouth. She loved her flaws, her qualities, she wanted to be better with her, to spend her life with her…

But now she was worried. Worried of Yvie leaving, worried of it being too early, worried of ending up crying and drunk. It could be so awkward, it was too early for Yvie to be in love with her too, and it hurt so much. All of that especially because Yvie remained quiet, trying to process what Scarlet just said.

‘’Fuck, Yvie, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t supposed to say it out loud. Sorry, sorry sorry… I’m so fucking dumb I-’’

‘’…Scarlet’’

It hurt so bad.

‘’Please don’t hurt me too much. Be soft okay?’’

‘’No, no, no! You understood everything wrong! I love you too, why would you even think I would hurt you, or leave, or have any negative feelings towards that?’’ Yvie gave her a fond smile and embraced her.

‘’B-because it’s too early?’’

‘’Yes it is, but we lived together even before we started to date! Do you think we know the meaning of waiting? We were talking about how we would change our names get if we got married! I’m literally not surprised, I wanted to tell you that too but…’’ she sighed ‘’well I guess I had the same fear as you’’

‘’It’s the alcohol, baby! And if you told me that I would cry, but don’t tell anyone that I cry.’

‘’Still think you shouldn’t have drank that much. We need to put you in bed as soon as possible let me just find these dumb keys…’’

‘’I love you, Yvie Yvie! I love you!’’

Yvie laughed. ‘’I love you so much.’’ She kissed her, tenderly, calming.

‘’I can’t wait to say that when I’m not drunk,’’ Scarlet yelled as soon as Yvie unlocked the door, coming inside to their home. ‘’But you’re still my bitch’’

Even drunk, she knew life felt sweeter, more colorful and beautiful now - and it wasn’t because of the alcohol. The only scent Scarlet could smell was that of their home. The lights were off, Yvie’s arms were around her, and her favorite music at the moment was her girlfriend’s heartbeat.

#rpdr fanfiction #scarlet envy #yvie oddly #alaska thunderfuck #scyvie #fluff #lesbian au #college au #roommate au #melody #tw alcohol #concrit welcome #submission

[audliminal]

Broken Lines, Shattered Souls

Chapter 1 of 4

Hey, y’all! I’ve got a new fic for you, and it’s a hurt/comfort-y soulmate fic!!!

Wordcount: 8999 (it’s a long one)   Pairing: Eventual LAMP   (link to AO3)

Warnings for this chapter: Lots of angst, self-hatred, depression, sort-of internalized homophobia, characters in crisis, Patton generally being miserable, if there’s anything I missed please let me know

For as long as Patton can remember, his wrist has always held a promise. The silvery name that drapes over his skin is like a whisper of the future that he’ll have. It is a perfect future; a wife and a dog or two, and when they’re old enough, maybe even a couple of children. Patton can see it so clearly (he’s always been able to see it), and he holds these promises to himself, to comfort himself, whenever he feels sad. At five years old, it is barely better than Patton’s own messy scrawls, a haphazard set of shaky lines and curves. It is the first thing Patton looks at when he wakes up every morning, and his mother looks at him with fondness whenever she catches him staring at it.

“It is a wonderful thing, to have a soulmark, Patton.” She tells him, and then she places a dish of apple slices and peanut butter in front of him. He can see no such mark on his mother’s wrist, and briefly, Patton wonders, but the question is lost behind the growling of his stomach.

His mark had first formed when he was two, his mom explains, so his soulmate is most likely younger than him by at least a year. And then she laughs her warm laugh, and pulls out pictures, pointing to the messy scribbles that adorn his wrist in them.

How wonderful, Patton remembers thinking. A mark that will change and grow with him, even as his soulmate does. Of course, at five, it’s already become much more legible and finally forms an admittedly messy name. Elvira. Patton reads it again, and he whispers the name into the air, feeling it reach out and wrap around him, so perfect and comforting (and maybe Patton starts practicing his own handwriting a little more diligently after that, but, wouldn’t you want your name to look perfect on your soulmate’s wrist, too?).

When Patton’s best friend moves away, at the ripe age of seven(and-a-half!), Patton cries himself to sleep for a week straight. He clings to his wrist, and the name that adorns it, and he tells himself that it’s okay, that he still has Elvira and she would never leave him all alone. He starts writing letters to her that Saturday.

It becomes a weekly occurrence, after that; a letter each week, with that special name scrawled lovingly at the top of each page. He tells his soulmate about his teachers and classmates; the things he learns and the adventures he has. He writes about his favorite things, and he writes about his most secret fears. He holds Elvira close to his heart, counting down every day with a joy as he moves closer to finally -finally­- being with her.

On Christmas morning, his mother presents him with a beautiful journal, hard and solid in his tiny hands, and a glittering pen to go with it, and Patton moves his letters to its pages. He takes extra care, makes his handwriting as perfect as he can, as he writes to his future. Patton cannot wait for the very day, when Patton will finally be able to share everything with her, his one true love.

 Then, Steve first falls into Patton’s life, and he feels so, so angry. He’s so used to things being just him and his mom, and he grows to despise the days where he is left, alone with some stranger, as his mother goes off with some guy he doesn’t know. Patton hates Steve, not for who he is, but for what it feels like is happening, and Patton’s heart lurches nervously with the fear that he isn’t making his mother happy anymore. He wages a quiet warfare with the man; works his hardest to be the perfect child, friendly and kind, and always there when his mother needs him. But Steve doesn’t go anywhere, no matter how hard he tries, and the joy in his mother’s eyes is clear as day. So he says nothing and smiles at the man, even as his insides twist in tight, little knots. In his journal, his letters to Elvira, though, he can be honest, and he rants about his feelings to her each night, holding the thought of Elvira even closer to himself because he knows she would never leave him.

But the date nights gradually shift to daytime outings, and Patton sometimes gets to come along (Patton’s never been mini-golfing before, money was always so tight), and pretending to have fun sometimes shifts into actually having fun. Patton’s fears still close in on him sometimes, but he tells himself he can handle it. After all, he has a bright, perfect future out there, waiting for him, with Elvira.

The engagement crashes into Patton’s life like a wall of bricks, and Patton watches as the stress slowly consumes his mother. She is constantly busy, always planning some minute detail, and for months, it seems like she hardly has a moment to spare for anything. First, Patton wonders if this is just their new normal, and then he wonders if all weddings are like this. He can’t imagine ever wanting to deal with something so overwhelming and stressful, but then the day finally comes and the tears that well up in Patton’s eyes taste nothing of sorrow. It’s beautiful -magical, even- and Patton can only dream of the day when he finally gets married (he wonders how Elvira would feel about lilies).

Things settle after that, and Patton finds himself relaxing into this new life, and he gradually gets used to his new stepdad. Middle school passes, mostly without exception, and High School begins similarly, but Sophomore year brings biology and with it, a rush of surprises that hit Patton like a bunch of bricks.

 Patton’s partner in his biology class is named Kyle, and he’s probably one of the coolest people Patton’s ever met. He’s kind and quick-witted, and he always manages to make Patton laugh. The crush appears before Patton even begins to think about it, and sometimes, when Patton can’t sleep, he’ll let himself indulge in dreams of his classmate sweeping him off his feet, taking him on dates, and snuggling up together by a warm fire. It makes Patton feel a bit silly, because really, he already has somebody to love him, and maybe they haven’t met yet, but Elvira is out there, and one day, he’ll find her, he just knows it.

After a while, Patton’s crush on Kyle fades, and life goes back to normal, but then a few weeks later, Patton finds himself smitten with another boy, Josh. Of course, a week later, Patton catches Josh harassing a freshman girl, which instantly puts an end to those feelings. He chases Josh off with a well-placed glare and escorts the poor girl into the hands of her older sister (who becomes very angry when they finally manage to explain what happened around the girl’s tears). And if Patton gives Josh the cold shoulder for the rest of the year, well, it’s only what he deserves. But a new crush quickly follows, and by the end of the year, Patton has grown used to his revolving door of crushes, because wow, there are so many pretty faces at his school, and wow, there are so many nice people, and Patton can’t help but love them just a little bit.

Patton doesn’t really mind the constant crushes, at first. After all, it’s fine to like other people. Elvira is still -is always- in the back of his mind, and it’s not like he’s dating any of the boys he’s been crushing on, and-

Oh.

Nothing in Patton’s life could have ever prepared him for the painful, shocking reality that he’s gay. The pang of guilt in his heart isn’t exactly unfamiliar, but it rings anew, louder than it ever has before. After all, there’s exactly one thing he knows about his soulmate, and that’s her name. Her name. So there’s kind of a problem.

“It’s fine,” The first time he tells himself this, he is utterly convinced of its truth. He is certain that his crushes all being guys is just circumstantial evidence, and really, that’s any easy enough thing to fix. Curled up in his bed on a cold March morning, Patton nods solemnly and makes a decision. “It’s fine, I just haven’t been hanging around enough girls, that’s all.” And Patton relaxes, balance returning to his world, and when he goes to school on Monday, he begins to make a conscious effort to hang out with more girls.

The first new friend he makes is named Sarah, and she’s sweet and kind and so full of love for life, and he loves her for her enthusiasm, the way she dedicates her entire self to a project the moment she commits to it. But still, he finds that he doesn’t like her quite like that, and it’s still fine; everything’s going to be all right because there’s plenty of other girls. Then he meets Melody, whose name fits her so perfectly, and he loves her like he loves the sun; so bright and warm and welcoming. But still, he loves her as a friend, and that’s fine because Dahlia is such a wonderful friend, and he’s overjoyed to have her in his life. And then Patton meets Kayla who is soft and sweet and always has a kind word for everybody, and Patton loves the way she makes him always feel so welcome, no matter what. But she’s a great friend and no more, which is fine.

It’s all fine. Patton makes a dozen new friends, and he feels warm and fuzzy on the last day of school, because he’s met so many wonderful people, and they’re all making promises to hang out over the summer, and Patton’s never felt quite so loved in his life, between his new friends and his old.

But once he’s back home, he can’t help but crawl into bed and cry, because he has so many wonderful new friends, and his life feels so perfect, but he still doesn’t like any girls.

“What am I going to tell her?” Patton wonders, even as the light from his window fades into the shadows of the evening. “Oh god, she’s going to hate me.” He is scared and confused, but above all, Patton feels horribly guilty, because all his life, Patton has been holding on to his dear soulmate as the one person who will never hurt him, and here Patton finally knows that he’ll be the one to hurt her.

That night is the first night that Patton begs the world to never meet his soulmate. And if Patton wakes up in the morning and pretends to the world that nothing is wrong, well... Patton has a responsibility to add joy to the world, not to take it away. So, Patton spends time with all his wonderful friends, and they go swimming and have campfires, and they roast marshmallows and sing songs. And Patton makes even more new friends, because his friends have great friends, and his friend’s friends have even more friends.

And, well, if he sometimes goes home at the end of the day, and cries himself to sleep, well, the tear tracks are gone from his face by morning, so really, it’s all just fine.

 Fall comes far too soon; a flurry of cooling nights and one final bout of summer storms rears its face in that final week, like the sky is sending a warning call that school is returning. Patton makes his way through the double doors on that very first day with a bright smile on his face and a deep hole in his heart. His friends greet him excitedly, and Patton smiles at them, willing back every hint of emotion with an iron grip. They chat easily about all the things they’ve done this summer, and when the conversation turns to the loss of all that free time, Patton easily steers them forward, into all the things there are to love about autumn, and how overjoyed he is to get to see all of his friends at school, every day. And his friends all grin and laugh because that’s what Patton does; he’s always looking on the bright side of things, finding a reason to smile.

None of them even begin to guess at the truth, because everything is Not Fine, and god, it’s been that way for so long now, but Patton’s absolutely remarkable at pretending. Besides, it’s not like they have any reason to go looking for the truth. And Patton keeps smiling because it’s the only thing he can think of to do (he doesn’t want to bring down the mood, after all).

Instead, Patton throws himself into his school work, and when there’s no more school work to do, he pours his time into his friends, helping them out with all their different clubs, and when Valerie jokes that he should run for class president- well, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. So, he runs, and he wins, and then his free time is all being drained into the school- into fundraiser events and school dances; into listening to the complaints of his classmates and working out ways to fix their problems.

It’s rewarding work, and Patton loves it, and if he develops a crush on the class treasurer, well nobody needs to know about that.

 Of course, then Logan has to ruin it by actually asking him out.

 Logan is a nerdy boy, with an intense affection for facts of all kinds, but what some people have found annoying (if you go by the rumors) can only bring Patton sincere joy. There’s just something about Logan’s face when he goes on a rant about the stars or the biological history of earthworms. His love of learning is just so clear, that it makes Patton want to cry. They become easy acquaintances, and then they become easy friends, and between the two of them (and with the help of Vice President Reese), they manage to do a lot of great things for the school. Patton squashes down the hints of a crush easily -at this point, lying about his feelings seems almost more natural than telling the truth- and it works for a while.

Then Logan catches Patton’s arm as they’re leaving a meeting, and quietly asks to speak to him.

“Sure, Logan.” Patton says, carefully squashing the jitters, and smiling as brightly as he can manage. “What’s up?”

“The fall formal’s in two weeks.” Logan begins, and Patton tries his best to pay attention, but Logan is standing perfectly still, and Patton doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone do such a good job of imitating a statue, and his eyes are awfully pretty, but they really have been staring at him for quite a long time, and he still hasn’t-

“Do you ever blink?” Patton asks. The eyes in question blink in response.

“I’m- sorry?” Logan looks confused now, and he seems to have relaxed a little bit, which Patton supposes is a good thing, but he also just interrupted Logan, which is probably not so good.

“Oh, whoops!” Patton exclaims, head reeling as he realizes that he hadn’t been hearing a single word Logan. “I got a bit distracted there. Must be more tired than I thought. Could you say that again, please?

“I-”

“Oh! You said something about the fall formal, right?” Patton remembers, but now he’s interrupted Logan a second time and the nervous jitters are back full force. “What’s up? Did something fall through? Are we over-budget?”

“No, I-” Logan grimaces. “Our plans are going perfectly, and everything’s in order.”

“Then what?”

“I wanted to ask you if you’d go with me.” Logan says, “To the fall formal, I mean.”

“Oh.” Patton blinks, then glances at the ground, because he can’t remember ever wanting anything this bad in his entire life, and isn’t that just horrid, because this is just Logan; just some random boy, just a passing crush, and he’s got a soulmate and her name’s Elvira, so why does he want this so badly? Heck, Logan’s got his own soulmate too, hasn’t he, and he’s only asking Patton because he feels like he has to have a date or something, so it’s not like it really means anything, anyway.

“Sure.” Patton answers, choking down the guilt and smiling at his friend. Looking relieved, Logan suggests a time, and as he walks away, Patton lets his smile drop for a brief moment. It means nothing, Patton tells himself, even as his heart leaps and soars with joy.

It means nothing.

 In typical Patton fashion (or at least, as he has recently come to expect of his life), it most certainly does not mean nothing. In fact, it almost certainly means something, as Patton discovers, while they’re waiting for their dinner, prior to the dance.

“It’s all a bit silly, isn’t it?” Patton says with a laugh, glancing over at Logan from across the table. He’s awkward and nervous, grabbing blindly for any topic he can think of, desperate to quell the building silence between them.

“What is?” Logan asks.

“Dating.” Patton shrugs, “I mean, here we are, because we’re supposed to be, knowing full well that we’re not going to work out. Yet we still both agreed. It’s just... odd.” Patton starts thinking he might have screwed up when he sees emotion flash across Logan’s usually-expressionless face, and his next words only serve to confirm that suspicion.

“And how do we know that?” Logan responds, eyes raising to lock with Patton’s and a frown beginning to make itself known on his lips.

“Well, I mean we’ve both got soulmates somewhere out there. But here we are...” Patton trails off, because he’s definitely messed up and Logan’s got this weird look on him- like he’s the loneliest person in the world, or maybe like he just swallowed something exceptionally sour.

“I don’t.” Logan responds in a dry, almost harsh voice, and Patton feels his entire body flinch involuntarily, confusion rippling through his mind.

“You don’t- what?” He can’t quite seem to parse whatever it is Logan’s saying. He can tell it’s important, though, and he feels like he’s missing something immense, something obvious. For a moment, he’s swimming in his confusion, the world shifting around him, and then Logan speaks, and everything stops.

“I don’t have a soulmate.” And then Logan’s lifting his right arm, and he’s undoing the button to reveal his wrist. As Patton stares at the blank wrist, everything comes grinding to a halt and his life stares back at him. Everything makes sense. His mother, her bare wrist. The unexpectedness of Steve (why she had never talked about him before they met), and how confused he had been, the wistful tone that her voice had always taken on when they talked about his mark. He looks back and sees it all, and for the first time in his life, he understands her.

“Oh,” is all he can say out loud, still reeling and unsure and it takes a moment to gather his thoughts back to the here and now, where Logan is staring at him, and the waiter arrives to take their orders, and Patton scrambles to catch up.

“I didn’t know that was possible,” Patton murmurs, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, as he begins to realize just how badly he’s messed things up. His life has always revolved around one day meeting his soulmate, and Logan just- doesn’t have one?

“Very much so. Actually, about 12.4% of the population doesn’t have a soulmark.” Logan’s face is unreadable, and Patton finds himself at a loss for words, unsure what he can do to make Logan happy again (and god, does he want Logan to be happy).

“Wow.” Is there even anything else he can say?

“I take it you do have one, then?” Logan’s question comes as a shock, though really, Patton should have expected it. There’s only one problem; Patton has no clue how to answer that, and Logan doesn’t push him, so maybe he doesn’t really have to say.

Their table remains silent as they wait for the food, and then it comes and the only sounds are those of them both digging into their pasta.

“12.4 percent, huh?” Patton finally asks. “So it’s actually fairly common, then? To not have a soulmate, I mean.”

“Mmmm,” Logan hums, taking a sip of his water before answering. “Sort of. Only about 5% of people don’t ever get a soulmark. We are decidedly the minority of people, and plenty of people never run into the problem. Most people like me tend to be fairly secretive about it.”

“Are you?”

“I don’t see any reason to go around telling everybody, but I’m perfectly willing to correct people when they make incorrect assumptions.” Patton blushes at that, but Logan’s quick to offer him a conspiratory grin. But his mind’s running now, and there are possibilities that he hasn’t even considered, and maybe Logan knows, maybe Logan can explain her.

“Have you ever heard of anyone having a false soulmark?” Patton blurts out, but Logan only smiles and shakes his head.

“Patton, there’s no need to feel bad. It’d be rather improbable for the first person I asked out to remain my partner forever. I asked you to the dance, because I thought you would make for an enjoyable companion for the night, not because I expected some illogically perfect romance.” So Patton drops the topic, and switches over to something bland about school, but it’s a much safer topic, and when their food is finally eaten, they go to the dance and for one night, Patton manages to forget about his soulmark.

 After that evening, things manage to somehow both change dramatically, and to stay totally the same. Patton and Logan grow even closer, and even though Patton’s crush still isn’t going away, it’s not too much of a hardship to just never mention it.

Junior year comes to a close with Logan asking out a cute boy by the name of Roman, and Patton finds himself taking just as much of a liking to him as he has to Logan. Roman has something of the same fiery spirit that Patton has so quickly grown to love in Logan, and he watches their companionship flourish with an enthusiasm that he doesn’t quite feel.

How lucky, he finds himself thinking, to find somebody you mesh so well with, even without the help of a soulmark. And then he glances to the soulmark on his own arm, hidden behind a careful layer of makeup, and guilt washes over him. After all, when was the last time he thought about Elvira? When exactly had he grown to hate the scrawling writing that digs into his own skin? He used to treasure it more than anything but now the scribbled lines feel more like a threat.

Somewhere during that summer, the mark starts changing. There are days where he lets the makeup wash down the shower drain, and the writing on his wrist looks confused and furious, lines drawn right on top of other lines, like the very mark has become some dangerous mutated thing. Other days, he can’t even tell the makeup’s gone, because the writing is barely visible, a faded whisper of a name on blank flesh. There are days in between, too, where everything seems normal, and in those brief moments, Patton wonders for the first time if he just might be losing it.

Time passes almost frantically, as Patton throws himself desperately into maintaining his facade, even as the edges begin to unravel. Valerie stops by unannounced one day and catches him red and puffy with the signs of recent tears, but he brushes it off as having watched a sad movie, and she buys it because really, it wouldn’t be that out of character for him. Still, the pain rings inside him, even as they wander through the mall, chatting about whatever comes to mind. He carefully dances around invitations to go swimming (it would wash away the makeup), and for a while it works, and he thinks that he just might get away with this lie he’s telling, this lie that he hates even as he tells it. But then, it all falls to pieces, burning up in an instant as Patton knew it inevitably would.

 It happens when a heat wave settles over their town, and Roman decides to surprise Logan and Patton, attacking them with a water gun as they sit, Logan ranting about some new topic of study, and Patton listening happily.

“Surprise!” Roman shouts, as the first stream of water hits Patton square in the chest. He stands for a moment, stunned and unmoving, as Logan stares in shock at his boyfriend. They recover simultaneously, though, and Logan immediately dashes inside the house, leaving Patton as the unfortunate sole recipient of Roman’s water-based attentions. This is bad, Patton thinks as he does his best to duck and dodge the streams of water, trying his best to shelter his arm while he runs for the street.

Roman is, unfortunately, not easily deterred once he has decided a course of action, however, and he chases Patton, laughing happily, even as tears begin to form in the corners of Patton’s eyes. Patton runs up the street, gripped with a terror that he barely even understands, mind reduced to nothing but an echo of one word, over and over.

Run.

But he’s not fast enough, and Roman’s too determined, and the blast of water that slams into his arm hits the mark with painful precision. Patton pulls his arm in even further, clutching it desperately to himself, trying to hide the horror of it, but it’s already too late. Behind him, Roman’s laughter dies off, even as Logan comes sprinting out of the house with a water gun of his own. Patton pays no notice, though, only running further and harder, until he’s made it the entire two miles home, and can lock himself in his room, curled up into the smallest ball he can make, and hidden beneath his blankets. Here, his tears can finally fall.

 The knocking on his door startles Patton out of an uneasy sleep, and he groans quietly, slowly focusing in on the muffled voice coming from the other side of his door. His stepdad is home, so it must be evening.

“Patton? Your friends are here. They say they really need to talk to you.” Patton winces. He doesn’t know what to do anymore; doesn’t know how to explain it, doesn’t know how to tell the people who have become most important to him, just how messed up he really is. But the knocking doesn’t go away, and this time it’s followed by a different voice.

“Patton?” Logan’s voice is shockingly comforting in its familiarity, and suddenly Patton doesn’t want to run anymore. “I believe it is imperative that we speak about what happened earlier. Please allow us to come in?” He pushes himself upward as Logan speaks, shuffling across his room and unlocking the door with one heavy hand. A part of him hopes that they hadn’t seen, that he can still come up with some dumb explanation, but more than that, he’s just so tired. Tired of lying, tired of hiding and running and pretending that nothing’s wrong. The damage will be done.

“Hey” Patton whispers, once the door’s swung open to reveal his friends’ worried faces. He feels strangely small beneath Logan’s steady gaze, and Roman shuffles anxiously behind him, bouncing up and down in place in the way he does only when he’s really worried. Guilt washes over him- it’s his fault that they feel like this.

“Sorry-” Patton tries to begin, but in that moment, Logan surges forward, pulling Patton into a hug and before he can think, he’s crumpling into Logan’s arms, sagging beneath the weight of all his lies. With Roman’s help, he finds himself guided back to his bed, Logan wrapping his arms even more securely around him as the first sob breaks through the final vestiges of Patton’s resolve.

Logan stays calm and solid against him, hand rubbing Patton’s back gently, as tears start pouring down his face. Beside him, he can just barely catch Roman, humming out a gentle tune, that makes Patton’s heart clench in the most confusing of ways. Now that he’s started, Patton finds that he can’t stop crying, and time stands still, as his painful sobs gradually die down to silence. Patton thinks it’s the last of his tears, right up until Roman starts singing some soft, gentle lullaby. The love that wells up inside him is so much that it hurts, and suddenly he can’t breathe, tears streaming down his face once more, as he curls in on himself, feeling very much like the ground beneath his feet has disappeared. Time doesn’t resume until this second bout of tears ends, and he pries himself away from Logan, glancing nervously down at the state of his shirt, soaked through by his tears. His nose feels horribly stuffy, and he vaguely notices the beginnings of a headache coming on, but still he feels just that little bit better as he takes a deep breath and risks glancing up at Logan’s face.

His expression is as unreadable as ever, but beside them Roman looks pained, and Patton can’t think of anything that could explain this all away, but it turns out that it doesn’t matter because when Logan’s confirmed that Patton’s tears have truly finished, he grasps Patton’s wrist with a gentle but firm grip.

Oh.

“Damp washcloth?” Logan murmurs, Patton staring helplessly, as Roman jumps up to retrieve the requested item. For a moment, he considers fighting them, but Logan’s grip is too solid and, anyways, Patton really just doesn’t want to keep playing this game of lies.

Roman’s hands gently wipe the smeared make-up away, and Patton shrinks into himself as his two closest friends watch the abomination beneath reveal itself. The mark that had once read Elvira is tangled and illegible, a mass of lines twisting back over onto itself, and Patton can almost feel the pain radiating from it. Pain that he had created; pain that he had caused.

“Patton.” Logan whispered, voice stained with distress. “You weren’t asking for me, were you?”

“What?” The words startle Patton out of his despair, and he blinks up at his friend, trying to piece his question together.

“When we were at dinner, before the fall formal. You asked me if there were such thing as a false soulmate. I thought you were just attempting to make me feel better, but this...” Logan trails off, pulling Patton’s wrist closer, to examine it. “Has it always been like this?” Logan asks, voice dropping into the emotionless tone it takes when Logan is deeply focused. The question catches Patton off guard, and the whirlwind of emotions kicks back up and surrounds him, until Roman’s hands brace themselves on Patton’s shoulders, pulling him back down, and grounding him enough to choke out an answer.

“No.”

“What did it used to look like?” Roman asks, voice a warm baritone, next to Patton’s ear. He’s trembling, but they’ve already started down this path and now he’s helpless to stop it. Slowly, he begins to explain, and with a rambling voice, the entire story gradually comes tumbling out of him. He tells them about Elvira, and the joy he always felt when he thought of her. He talks about the letters he used to write to her, and he tells them about how much he looked forward to meeting her. But then, he tells them about his crushes, and how he realized he didn’t like girls, how he tried so hard to like them, but he just- couldn’t. And then, he tells them about how the mark had started changing, growing darker with pain and sometimes seeming to fade away completely, and how it was all Patton’s fault, because he couldn’t just be happy with his soulmate like a normal person.

“Falsehood.” Logan interrupts, before he can say anymore.

“What?”

“There’s no conclusive evidence that you are the cause of this,” Logan replies, poking at the mark with a finger.

“But I don’t like girls.” Patton interjects.

“Plenty of soulmates decide on a platonic relationship.”

“But what about the timing? It didn’t start happening until I-” Patton doesn’t even get to finish that argument, before Logan cuts him off.

“Correlation does not imply causation.” Beside Patton, Roman snorts.

“Saw that answer coming a mile away.” Roman mutters, surprising a weak laugh out of Patton.

“What else could it be, though?” Patton whispers, wanting desperately to believe Logan’s logic, even as he knows that it’s wrong.

“That is TBD. To be determined. I’ve only ever done research into missing or disappearing soulmarks, so I’m going to need some time to look into this.” Logan pulls out his phone, quickly tapping out words as Roman pulls Patton into a hug.

“I know what this means,” Roman says with a grin. “SLEEPOVER!” He scoops Patton up easily into his arms and makes a dash for the door. Patton thinks maybe he should be fighting this, because he’s still convinced that Logan’s wrong, but for now he can’t help but want to feel better, no matter how selfish it is.

Roman carries him all the way out to the car, and carefully maneuvers the car door open without dropping Patton. Moments later, he’s being gently plopped down into the passenger’s seat as Roman dashes around to slide in the driver’s seat beside Patton, who does his best to smile at the enthusiastic boy.

“So,” Roman drawls. “You and Logan, huh?”

“What?” Patton squeaks, flushing scarlet.

“And I thought it was just a rumor!” Roman says with a laugh. “Why did you guys break up?”

“It was only the one date- Logan realized I had a soulmark, so... There’s no point in dating someone who’s already taken, y’know?” Patton shrugs as nonchalantly as he can.

“Do you still like him?” Roman asks, as Patton determinedly stares out the window.

“Does it matter?” Patton counters. “You guys are dating now, and you’re awesome together.” Roman falls silent after that, and they wait for Logan to jump into the back seat, carrying a bag of Patton’s stuff.

“I told your father that you’re spending the night at my place.” Logan informs him. “He said to be back in time for dinner tomorrow.” Patton nods, and goes back to looking out the window, as Roman starts up the car, and drives away. He stops by his own house to quickly grab overnight stuff, and then they head onwards, to Logan’s place.

When they arrive, Patton makes it about a foot out of the car, before Roman catches up with him, and promptly sweeps him back up into his arms. Patton squeaks in response and flails for a moment, before wrapping his arms around Roman’s shoulders to regain his balance. Once inside, they drop their stuff in the den, and Roman immediately draws Patton into helping him use all the blankets, pillows and cushions in the house to make the perfect blanket nest for the three of them. Halfway through, Logan walks through the door, carrying a couple pizza boxes, and Roman jumps up to steal them away to a corner of the room, where he hovers over them, mock-growling. Patton laughs, and runs over, determined to steal back the pizzas from Roman’s greedy claws, while Logan leaves again to retrieve drinks for them too.

 “I want to take a picture of your soulmark, okay Patton?” Logan asks the next morning. It’s the first time any of them have mentioned the mark since they left Patton’s house and he starts at the mention.

“What? Why?”

“Observation. You said it’s actively changing, right? I want to start documenting how quickly it’s changing, and in what ways. I’d like to start getting a clear picture of it every morning, if that’s all right.”

“Uh-” Patton’s about to refuse, but Logan looks almost painfully fascinated, and then Roman gently brushes his arm, and Patton can feel himself melting under his friends’ careful affections. Maybe it is his fault, he finds himself thinking, but maybe with Logan and Roman to help him, they can fix whatever he’s done.

“Okay.” Patton says, pulling up his sleeve, as Logan pulls out his phone and takes a picture of his wrist. Patton tries his best not to grimace at the sight of the mark, but it must be obvious that he’s very uncomfortable with the situation because as soon as his phone is back in his pocket, Logan pulls Patton into a rare, treasured Logan-hug.

“I know this is difficult, Patton, but we’ll figure out what’s happening. I promise.” Tears prick at Patton’s eyes, as he clings to Logan. Moments later, Roman’s pulled them both into a hug of his own.

It becomes a habit, from then on. Every morning, Patton takes a picture of his soulmark, which he sends to Logan, and then immediately deletes from his phone. He does his best to smile and pretend that Logan’s research doesn’t bother him, but when it all gets to be too much, he finds his friends to be incredibly caring and encouraging, and Logan is quick to halt his rants, when he catches Patton’s lip beginning to quiver. And even when no progress is being made, Patton reminds himself that Logan won’t rest until he has an answer, a solution to this problem.

 “Really,” Logan complains, one afternoon. “I have tried every combination of key words I can think of, but inevitably, all that comes up in my research of changing soulmarks is about them developing as the soulmate learns to write.” Logan bangs his head against the table with a groan.

“Well...” Roman offers with a frown. “Maybe it’s related? I mean, what if something happened and Elvira lost her ability to write?” Logan blinks, and stares over at his boyfriend in surprise.

“So, it could be some form of brain damage?” Logan begins, pulling out his notebook, and beginning to scribble in it. “Everything I’ve found so far seems to claim that soulmarks tend to stop changing by the time the individual starts puberty, but that could just be a case of handwriting tending to stop developing around then. And then there’s the matter of the days where it fades, however that is a possible solution. It’s worth spending some time to examine it, at the very least.” And Logan’s eyes are filled with spirited determination, writing out theories and possible circumstances. Patton stares, feeling

 confused and frustrated. Logan is insistently examining every possible theory but the one that Patton is certain is right. The events all line up too perfectly,

 “Jeremy!” Logan shouts as he walks up to their lunch table, startling Patton into dropping his spoon, and splattering applesauce onto the table. Roman blinks in confusion, then rushes to help Patton wipe up the mess with his napkin. Logan sits down, slamming his notebook down onto the table with a satisfied look. Patton nervously glances over at Roman, but he seems to have no more idea what Logan’s on about than he does.

“Okay, I’ll bite.” Roman responds finally, “who’s Jeremy?”

“Elvira!” Logan says, pulling two of the most recent pictures of Patton’s soulmark out of a folder, and presenting them on the table. Patton flinches, and Roman reaches out to place a sympathetic hand on his shoulder as they wait for Logan to explain what on earth he’s even talking about.

“I was examining the similarities between the most recent pictures, and it occurred to me that the writing seemed particularly similar to the effect created by writing things on top of each other. So I did my best to isolate out the lines that spelled ‘Elvira’ from all the rest. From there, I started trying to separate the names into other legible words or names, and then it all started making sense!” Logan turned to smile at Patton, gently pushing his notebook in front of the other boy. “Patton, it’s as if your name is attempting to be many names at once. You’ve Elvira, like you always did, but laid over that is also Jeremy, and if my analysis is correct, there’s also Matthew.”

Patton stares at the diagrams on the page, the scrawling, jagged letters spelling out the three names separately, then written over each other to create the jagged mess that is Patton’s mark. It makes as much sense as anything, but...

“So,” Patton begins, fidgeting nervously, “it really is my fault?”

“NO!” Roman shouts, loudly enough that the group at the next table all glance up in confusion, staring for a moment as Patton blushes uncomfortably, before they go back to their own conversation. “No,” Roman repeats more quietly. “That’s not what he’s saying, I can’t believe you still think that, Patton!”

“Yes I, too, had thought we made it clear that this is in no way your fault.” Logan agrees eyeing Patton with what can only be concern.

“But,” Patton points out, “if my name is trying to a boy, then isn’t that what’s happening? I’m gay, and it’s trying to make my name fit that.”

“Not necessarily. There’s still much research to do, after all.” Logan reprimands gently, voice as calm and steady as it always is. “This just means it’ll be easier for me to find the right research, because I know what, precisely, is happening to your mark.”

“Exactly.” Roman says, shifting over on the bench, so he can pull Patton into a hug.

“In the meantime,” Logan catches Patton’s eye as he speaks. “I think it might be worth considering the possibility of speaking to a professional about this. A therapist might be able to assist in your feelings of guilt surrounding this issue.”

“I’m not sure, Logan, that’s...” Patton trails off, not sure how to explain the roiling feeling in his gut at the very though of telling a stranger about all of this. What if they tell him it is his fault?

“Just think about it. Either way, Roman and I are here to support you.” Roman wraps his arms around Patton as Logan says this, and tears prick at Patton’s eyes as he wonders what he ever did to deserve such caring friends.

Weeks pass, though, and Patton has no idea how he’d even bring it up to his parents. Logan is no closer to an answer and Patton keeps taking the pictures, but he can feel despair slowly closing back in, his world shrinking, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Sorrow tugs at the corners of his mind, and he slowly realizes that he’s found the one thing Logan can’t be objective about. Every time Patton brings up the possibility of the changes being his fault, Logan shoots the idea down before he’s even finished speaking.

So, Patton decides to do his own research. He barely has the time, between studying and filling out college applications and class leadership. At Roman’s gentle suggestion, Patton runs for vice president this year, allowing Roman to fill in the position of president (he wins by a landslide), and the position is certainly a bit easier to manage, but he still has an obligation to his students, and so Patton does his best to be happy and enthusiastic and friendly during school hours.

In the end, Patton concludes that the only way he’ll have time to do any research of his own is to take it out of his sleeping hours, and by late November, he’s running on just six hours of sleep a night, miserable and exhausted, but just barely successful at balancing it all out. He feels like he’s dancing on a knife-edge; one slip and he’ll fall into the deep abyss beneath him.

It’s January before Patton finally has his first break-through, and it comes in the form of another person, someone online who’s soulmark has been doing the exact same thing, and through direct messages they wage a friendship, sitting up in the dark of night, and worrying over the strange nature of it all.

Emile is in college, studying psychology, and he lives halfway across the country, so they’d never have met if it weren’t for his chance post about his own soulmark’s strange behavior. He’s warm and kind, and where Patton is terrified of the meaning behind his mark’s changing, Emile is much calmer about the whole thing. Patton takes it as something of a relief, though, when Emile doesn’t tell him immediately that his fears are wrong the way Logan does. He takes solace in all the different theories Emile mentions, from the completely mundane, to the wildly plausible, and Patton gradually finds himself engaging in wild ‘what if’ fantasies, right alongside him. They quickly find themselves becoming good friends.

My tattoo’s finally settling, I think! The message comes, late one night, Patton’s alarm clock blinking out 1:26 in bright red lines. Patton doesn’t even bother to question why Emile’s still up, glancing over at his own homework, still half completed and strewn across his desk. He just can’t find the energy to finish it yet, but he knows he has to stay up until he does.

Oh Patton responds, nervously tapping his fingers on the keyboard as he tries to think up a reasonable response. Congratulations! The message he settles on is bland and boring, but Patton’s exhausted and he just can’t think of anything better. A bland response is, after all, better than upsetting Emile by ignoring him.

I know, right?!  Comes the answer. I can’t believe it, I’m so excited to meet him! Patton stares at the screen, and slowly, anger begins to well up beside the exhaustion. Is Emile really that unconcerned about his old soulmate? Does he really care that little about what’s happened to her? In the back of Patton’s mind, the worst case scenario surges forward, dark and sinister. There’s only one thing Patton knows of that can cause a soulmark to disappear. He pushes that thought back, though, as hard as he can. He doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to consider what that might mean for him, for Elvira.

Aren’t you worried about Danielle? Patton writes that evening, curled up in bed and reading over the most recent messages. He glances down at his own wrist; the mark there is still a mess, and Patton frowns, trying to remember how it looked before this all began.

Not really? The reply comes ten minutes later. I mean, if I got a new soulmate, then she probably did too. Huh. Patton hadn’t even considered that.

I guess... It’s an easier thought, that Elvira might be perfectly fine, might just be out there with a new name forming on her wrist; someone better for her, someone who can be enough. Briefly, Patton wishes that it could be the truth. He doesn’t even need a soulmark. He’ll be fine without it, he can just find someone like his mother did, the other way. He can find someone without a soulmark too, it can just be them against the world.

He can find someone like Logan.

He blacks that last thought out before it can fully form; it’s a road he doesn’t want to go down. The crush hasn’t gone away, and worse, he’s started to grow so fond of Roman too, that it makes his insides churn with guilty confusion. I had my chance, Patton tells himself, thinking back on the botched dance Patton had attended on Logan’s arm. But Logan has Roman now, and they’re happy and Patton would never dare to intrude on that. Especially not when this mark still glares across his arm. After all, even if the world decides he’s too broken to deserve a soulmate, well, in that case why should he impose himself upon anyone else?

 Roman is the one to finally figure it out. Emile is no closer to finding his new soulmate than Patton’s mark is to settling on a name, but on a cold morning in mid-February, Roman comes sprinting up to Patton before classes even start, bouncing excitedly, with an expression that walks the fine line between excited and maniacal. Logan and Patton both glance up from the bench they’d been sitting on, discussing the possibilities of college next year.

“I know what’s happening to your mark!” He exclaims, drawing attention from nearby students, as Patton stares at him helplessly.

“You... do?” Logan’s voice betrays skepticism, but he doesn’t say a word. “I’ve still been having trouble finding any research-”

“That’s because you’re not looking in the right place!” Roman seems almost concerningly excited as cuts off Logan, and Patton tries not to giggle at Logan’s dumbfounded expression. “It’s only been becoming so common a problem in the last half-century, and mostly just within certain circles. I only figured it out, because I met someone who’s already gone through this.” Roman pauses here. Patton can tell he’s relishing in the suspense, but Logan has no such patience.

“Well then? What’s the problem, if you’re so smart.” Patton shares a look with Roman at that. Logan has a bit of a sore spot when it comes to not being in the know on something, and this’ll probably have to be dealt with later, but for now...

“Yeah Roman, what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing!” Roman says, stretching his arms out wide. “Your soulmate is trans!”

This revelation shocks them both into silence. It’s a possibility that none of them had ever considered, but-

“Well. That makes an inordinate amount of sense. The tattoo going all weird in the first place must have been a result of them becoming uncomfortable with their birth name, and now-”

“Oh my god they’re trying to choose their new name.” Patton breathes out, shock and relief washing over him.

“Yep!” Roman says, plopping down onto the bench. “I had that audition for the local community theatre yesterday, and I got talking to one of the other actors there, and they were gay, so I asked them if they’d ever heard of anything like what’s been happening to you, Patton. Turns out, not only had they heard of it, they’d been through it!”

“Woah.” Patton has no clue what to say, or do; no idea how to process, it, but he can’t help but be relieved. El- His soulmate is still there for him, and he’s not going to hurt them, after all. He moves through the rest of the school day in a daze, barely hearing anything his teachers say.

Eventually, it’s time to go home, and Patton finds himself stuck in the middle of his room, filled with nervous energy that seems to have nowhere to go, trying to understand what this means for him, for his soulmate, for everyone.

Finally, Patton’s dancing eyes rest on the journal, sitting on his bookshelf, forgotten for so long, and with a deep breath, Patton takes the first step towards it. Gently, he pulls it out of his bookshelf, and opens it, flipping to the last page he wrote on. The date stares back at him, almost a year ago, when he ended his weekly tradition of writing to- him. Patton makes his way carefully over to his desk, and with a shaking hand, he grabs his favorite pen, and begins to write once more.

 To my soulmate.

I guess I really don’t know anything about you now, huh? Eventually, I’ll know your name again, when the dust settles and you find the one that’s right for you, but for now I guess I’ll just have to wait. It’s been a heck of a year, and I’m sorry I stopped writing, but when my soulmark started changing- well, I sort of thought it was all my fault. I guess we’re more in sync than we thought, if you started discovering your gender at the same time I was figuring out my sexuality, huh? Funny, how these things work. I can’t wait to meet you, when we can both sit back and laugh about the mess that this past year has been for both of us, I’m sure. I hope you’re safe…

 On and on, he writes, until he’s written pages and pages, telling his soulmate all about the past year, the confusion and fear, the worry he felt for them. Patton tells them all about his best friends, and how they’d helped him understand what was happening and shown him so much love and support. He tells them everything, and finally he promises not to ever stop writing his soulmate letters again.

Patton closes the journal with a deep sigh, feeling better than he has in a very long time, and he finally finds himself glancing down at the mark that adorns his wrist. It's still as messy as ever, and Patton has no idea when that will change, but he knows he’ll wait as long as it takes. And for now, while he doesn’t know what their name will be, he does know one thing- and with that, Patton hunts through his backpack for whiteout, and turns back to the very first page of his journal. Carefully, he begins to white out his dear soulmate’s deadname, leaving the spaces blank and new, awaiting whatever name his beloved soulmate will choose. And when he finally reaches the end, just in time for his mother to call him to dinner, Patton takes a deep breath and smiles. He feels ready to face whatever his future holds, with his two dearest friends by his side, and eventually, his beloved soulmate finding their way to him as well.

#tw self loathing #tw depression #sanders sides #lamp #tsfic #my fics #broken lines shattered souls

[punkiio]

I for the ask thing, just an over all unless you want a specific character.

Like... All of them?? Hell yeah I’ll do Peter because I loVE Peter

This is going to be hella long so.... Get ready 

1: What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?Probably a very short amount of time.... He has like, a lot of energy

2 How easy is it for your character to laugh? Its hella easy to make him laugh!! He is almost always laughing and smiling... He is a very positive fella

3: How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?) Either thinking or playing his flute or pipes!!

4: How easy is it to earn their trust? Its pretty easy, especially since he is oblivious to a lot of things, including bad ones

5: How easy is it to earn their mistrust? Not sure???? Probably a little harder, but not really hard.

6: Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable? he definitely considers them flexible.

7: What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling? Probably things like jungles, treehouses, other kind of nature things... and yeah!! He likes the feeling!!

8: What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a childA LOT of things... He was a big trouble maker. Mostly was told not to do things like, something dangerous, doing/saying something too quickly, getting into fights, that sort of thing. and the thing he was told to start doing most???? Grow up

9: Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?Yeah he swears as much as the next guy tbh, but probably doesnt remember his friend swear because he has been living for so long

10: What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them? He’s actually a pretty honest guy!!! He even tells the mundies that he’s Peter Pan, but he’s actually like.... Pretending, to pretend he’s Peter Pan??? So when someone is being 100% serious when asking if he actually is, he lies and says that he isn’t. But I think the lies that actually haunt him, maybe not now, but definitely when he was still married to his wife, was that he actually still liked her and continued to stay with her

11: How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? He would try really really hard to understand, but if he cant, then he’ll pretend to understand

12: How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach? He would ask people to get it for him, and probably make the other person feel hella awkward wile he’s just like “Thank u pal”

13: What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? Green!! He thinks and does look best in green!!!

14: What animal do they fear most? He doesn’t fear animals that much actually??? I think the only time he would be afraid of an animal is if they’re acting aggressive towards him tbh

15: How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? Its always. on the spot. He almost never thinks it out. The only time he thinks of it out is if he has time and if its something he’s nervous about, but even then, he usually doesn't come out the way he wanted

16: What makes their stomach turn? When people believe the rumors/lies told about his childhood, things that make him super nervous, thinking about things he has to admit sooner or later, those kind of things

17: Are they easily embarrassed? No, not really :0

18: What embarrasses them? When people talk about embarrassing things he did, especially if its in front of someone like Boy Blue. He gets awkward embarrassed

19: What is their favorite number? 18 maybe :0

20:If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?“Alrighty, so romantic love is like... When you love someone, and you like, want to date them and get married and kiss them and fuck them and whatnot. Platonic love is where you’re like, ‘DAMN! I LOVE MY FRIEND!!’ but not in the romantic way. You just like them as a friend. Familial love is, y’know, you love your parents??? Your kids???? Your siblings?????? Its close to platonic but also... not....” 

21:Why do they get up in the morning? His job. Boy Blue. 

22:How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? Depends... If he was jealous abt someone interacting with Blue, then yeah, he might be a little possessive or/and aloof, but he’ll probably just show off in front of the other person, make them feel like a third wheel

23:How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? He usually just... Tries to let it pass.... But might... just might..... become resentful..... But it would be rare

24: Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? Yeah he’s totally fine with it. I think the only time he would be uncomfortable about talking about it is with straight people. Especially straight girls. Unless its about him doing it, then its fine

25: What are their thoughts on marriage? He’s fine w it!!! He gets married himself! :0 

26: What is their preferred mode of transportation? He just... takes a car..... But in places like the farm (and if/when he goes to the homelands), he likes to fly!!! 

27: What causes them to feel dread? His friends being hurt.... He gets so scared when his friends are hurt

28: Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? Nah, he’s used to the unpleasant truth, so he would want that instead of a lie 

29: Do they usually live up to their own ideals? Sure!!! He’s got a boyfriend and a good job, he doesn’t really have any ideals past that???? He is also pretty powerful, so thats a plus 

30: Who do they most regret meeting? ProbablyMargaret

31: Who are they the most glad to have met?:All of his friends!!! 

32: Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? Probably a joke most of the time, but also sometimes has childhood stories that he had just remembered 

33: Could they be considered lazy? No!!! He is always busy doing his job!!! He is usually always doing something

34: How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? Not hard probably fndjsbkds he’ll probably just end up forgetting about it......

35: How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? He gets excited with them!!! He’s so happy they’re happy!!!!!!

36:Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? He usually waits, but if he sees a cute guy he’ll be like *eye emoji* and go flirt with him or something 

37:Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? Nah.... He actually has a kind of bad memory and easily forgets names 

38:What memory do they revisit the most often? His childhood adventures!!!

39:How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? Pretty easy tbh

40:How sensitive are they to their own flaws?He isn’t sensitive abt them that often, pretty much the only time he is is if someone pointed them out. Other than that, he’s oblivious 

41:How do they feel about children? He loves them!!!! Pretty much the only reason he pretends, to pretend to be Peter Pan, is so when he’s cutting a kid’s hair, he can get them all happy and excited n stuff.... 

42:How badly do they want to reach their end goal? I dont think??? He really has one??? Its hard for fables to have an “end goal” because they live for so long 

43: If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? He just... Tells them he only likes men..... He’s gay..... (I wont explain his backstory on it rn because.... spoilers....)

Questions for the creator!!

A) Why are you excited about this character?He just... Makes me and others(????) happy!! Some of my friends can relate to him n stuff and that gets me excited 

B) What inspired you to create them?I had always wanted to make a Fables oc that was Peter Pan, so I did!! Peter Pan is like..... one of my favorite fables......

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?Nah, not really :00 

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?He has changed a little, but not much!!! Though his first concept art is.... Ugly.....

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?Yeah I think I would get along w him..... We got a lot in common in a way 

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?I am.... So happy.............. When thinking about him........

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?Idk if this is what this means but uhh.... He was born a human, yeah???? But when/after he was raised by fairies, he’s half fairy???? Im thinking that the fairies like.... Changed him...... idk 

H) What trait do you admire most?Is it safe to say??? All?????? I cant think of one........

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?Hell yeah I do

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?Dude we are.... Changing so much of canon Fables for our comic..... Not for him, just in general 

#This took so long..... #I tried to avoid spoilers as much as possible hhhhh #Fables #Fables oc #Peter Pan #octobaaby

[fight-for-rights]

Odds for Elizabeth!!! And then C, D and J.

Its everyone’s favorite lesbian witch (Well mine at least). For those who dont know, shes Ash’s wife.

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do? 

    Maybe three minutes, she is a very busy woman who doesn’t know what to do with herself when shes bored. Elizabeth makes a whole spell book because of that fact.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

   Elizabeth is one to sleep very easily. She doesn’t need to really do anything except lay her head down. Her wife however, has many troubles sleeping. So when she puts herself to bed shes often putting a spell on Ash to give her a good nights rest too. 

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

  It takes a lot to make Elizabeth mistrust you. She is a very understanding and forgiving person, but if you get on her shit list you probably should watch your back. Elizabeth isn’t one to back stab. 

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

    Watching dragons sleep triggers a lot of nostalgia for her, remembering the one that took her in all those years ago. Its a very comforting feeling for Elizabeth.

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

  Elizabeth does sometimes! When it gets too stressful or if something shocks her she may let out a cussword or two. She remembers her first swear word was shit, when she had watched a few dragons being hunted down as a child. 

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? 

   She totally pretends to understand, shes a witch after all! Elizabeth likes to play the role of a old wise witch, but often falls very short. She will ask Ash when they eventually meet though, hoping she can help clarify. 

13. (lucky number!)  What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

     Hmm..well she wears a lot of ground colors, but she thinks she looks best in a timid blue color. Elizabeth does actually look good in it too! Though she looks very good in brown as well. 

15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

   As I said, she likes to play the wise old witch role. So often she does rehearse things in her mind, and maybe even pauses to think about what she will say before speaking. Elizabeth is a very mindful speaker, and each word that comes out of her mouth is carefully chosen.

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

    Living with dragons your whole life kinda makes you not care about much. Though, she does get a little embarrassed when shes around other people and is doing something that isnt acceptable to humans. Like not wearing a shirt. Elizabeth, please wear a shirt.

19. What is their favorite number?

   Elizabeth likes three, because she thinks three things looks more natural than four. Shes weird.

21. Why do they get up in the morning?

    This changes throughout her story, first she gets up in the morning in order to save dragons from being hunted down. Later though, its for her wife and to help the magic stop being drained from the world. 

23. How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

   Elizabeth can become sorta resentful sometimes when she envys someone. The good thing about Elizabeth though is that she’ll talk to ash or that person about how she feels. Sometimes admitting it helps.

25.  What are their thoughts on marriage? 

    Well, she IS married. At first she wasn’t too sure what marriage was, but later when she met her soulmate she understood it perfectly. 

27. What causes them to feel dread? 

  The current state of the world. Elizabeth feels a immense dread when she realizes just how many tragedies are happening out in the world because they haven’t killed Dae yet. Both her and Ash blame themselves for that.

29. Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

   She tries to, and often she either does or gets close to living up to her ideals. Elizabeth spent many years protecting dragons and almost dying. She tries to help the less fortunate than her, but you can only save so many, 

31. Who are they the most glad to have met? 

    Ash! She simply adores Ash, loving her as much as she possibly can. 

33.  Could they be considered lazy? 

    Elizabeth is anything but lazy. She is a hardworking witch that spends most of her time doing something productive like spellwork, helping Ash out or saving the world. Maybe a little of all those. 

35. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 

     Even if she doesn’t understand it, she tries to be as supportive as she can be. Elizabeth knows how it feels to be shut down, and would never wish that on others. 

37. Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

     She actually has a song for the order in which her spellbook is in! Elizabeth sings it to herself, and her children. Its a rhyme that contains which categories are where. What a secretive woman. 

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? 

    Depends what flaw really. If its something non harmful shes really good about ignoring it. If its harming others, she probably wont put up with it. 

41. How do they feel about children?

     Eh she likes them, but she is very awkward around them. You can’t exactly talk to kids about spells now can you? Elizabeth does however want kids, and her and her wife have them later on in life. 

43. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? 

    Haha, this ones interesting. Elizabeth probably looks them dead in the eyes and is like “I like my men like I like my coffee. I dont like coffee. Im gay.” 

———————————————————————————————————–

Questions for the mun

C. Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story? 

     Yeah, a little bit. I had trouble figuring out how she was raised and why she respected dragons so much. Even though they destroy towns. 

D. Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look? 

   I’ve changed her a few times actually! Used to their story was in a modern day, and she worked at a milkshake place. So she often had skirts on and her hair put up. Elizabeth was also skinny. Later when I changed the universe though she has her own uniform and now shes chubby. Cause hell yeah.

J.  Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

  Not really, there were always dragons and magic. So she fit in pretty well!

#my ocs #kimkatsocs #elizabeth #ask meme

[top5internetsourcesforhighs-blog]

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome: AIDS

' acquired immune deficiency syndrome (Acquired repellent Deficiency Syndrome) is a kind born(p) dis ensn ar that was prime(prenominal) recognized in America in the early 1980s, round the era rock-and-roll Hudson passed a centering. It is believed that it was sesscelledshoot passed thru to domain by monkeys in Africa. The employment surrounded by amusings and affection was turn upright present much bitterly fought than here in the nasty equatorial climate, where hop up and humidity give nonice the generation of newfound brio forms. nonp aril historian has suggested that humans, who first evolved in Africa eons ag champion migrated north to Asia and europium simple to ram to climates that were less hospi confuse to the deadly microbes the tropical zone so expeditiously spread. (Shilts, 5)\n human immunodeficiency virus whitethorn already corrupt one to devil million Ameri fags and spreads to forty thousand more concourse separately year. (Klitz man, 7) This affection wreaks howeverchery in places same Africa, Europe, South America, Asia, and the coupled States, as healthy as unnumerable opposite places roughly the world. With Modern roads and jet travel, no corner of the primer coat was very out ramp(a) whatevermore; neer again could diseases bulk large undetected for centuries among a distant hoi polloi without ruleing round route to raw sienna out across the planet. (Shilts, 5)\n acquired immune deficiency syndrome is in general a sexu alto fixatehery transmitted disease, statistically attri neverthelessed to the homo sexual community, that is transferred by muckle who atomic number 18 insensible they ar infect. It croup besides be transferred amidst wad through with(predicate) and through tainted blood transfusions as sanitary as the manduction of infected needles among users. acquired immune deficiency syndrome is a deso tardily and debilitating disease that may non show up for a intent of ten days or big- conducter after the airplane pilot contact. By this succession it capacity be too late to do anything around it , although, thither are various cocktails of drugs that could get word care the disease and hunt downward(a) life for a considerable continuance of time.\n Western hunting lodge has been able to adjudge the spread of acquired immune deficiency syndrome with sexual command and early scrutiny but where the disease first started, in Africa, near one third of the population is without delay struck with the disease. In exhibition to combat this trouble in Africa, the goernments of the western sandwich world urinate shown a voiceless effort by sending billions of dollars in aid to civilize and treat the great unwashed who are infected with this disease.\n aid has reached legion(predicate) race from all different cultures, cultural backgrounds, and areas around the world. This is a scary military position cons idering many another(prenominal) of those pile could be insensible they are infected with human immunodeficiency virus. This lack of awareness, which could be averted with early testing, in spades heightens the possibility of round anybody acquire human immunodeficiency virus and transferring it to soul else. An modelling of this lack of awareness, where a man unaware he had religious service had given it to his wife, comes from aid Memoir, diary of an HIV- commanding generate by Catherine Wyatt-Morley. In this part of her journal, Catherine who was to take over a map hysterectomy was diagnosed with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) The virus that causes aid. Catherine told her doctors and doctor, at that place strike been no signs, no symptoms, no warning. Im married and commit been faithful to Tim, I express, as I looked at my husband, whose gorgeous brown look were filling with tears, I kick in not shot any drugs. I fag outt understand. I dont know an ything intimately HIV. (Catherine Wyatt-Morley, 5)\n one time whatsoeverone finds out he or she has support they do not and have to roll over and wait to devolve. nigh people accept the other route, to get help and raise up to stay alive as a functional human creation. There world power be a lot of strive in your life due to the back up virus but thither are definitely ship air to contend with this and thither are many people and groups which you can turn to for emotional, physical, and apparitional help.\n If your way to cope with help is ghostlike you might motivation to turn to the Catholic Church for help. devotion could be the redemption someone needs in high society to cope with the melody that AIDS brings. However, this way to cope may not be the right way. HIV is to a fault intemperately nockd and raises a serial publication of moral issues in patients and others eyes. The Catholic perform, governmental conservatives, and others have long censured homosexuality and sexual freedom, and drug pace is considered a penalise by al near all of American society. As a result, many HIV-infected individuals find oneself they have do something wrong by beingness human being, or too promiscuous, or using drugs in the first place. (Klitzman, 8) \n When set around with the prospect of stopping point religion seems to take the burden and the strain off of the infected persons shoulders. A exculpation by a prison gyp in creation Positive, The Lives of Men and Women with AIDS shows how he coped with being in gaol and having AIDS, a definite stressor, by tour to religion. alone of a sudden, though, I started getting very religious. I started really believe in matinee idol and the Bible. I wasnt religious when I was young. I was embossed in the pentecostal church. On Sundays my catch would drag me to church with her. I now said to God, Please, I dont indispensability to discover in jail. All I wanted to do wa s be able to die on the outside. Ive done more or less seventeen years in prison, by the way, in and out all my life for drugs. All I kept mentation now was, damn, Im discharge to die in jail! Didnt I do abounding time already? (Klitzman, 95)\n commonwealth infected with AIDS go through stressful shoess general not but because of how they feel, but largely because of how other people treat them and their disease. AIDS patients go to health care institutions and disgorge to health care workers in drift to let out their lives and find alternative approaches that they might not be doing already, in set up to better themselves. These institutions and workers spurt their patients approaches on HIV but in the process they can also stigmatize patients. This stigmatization was experience by Wilma metalworker and says it hurts the most. They of all people should know better. one(a) roentgenogram technician, as soon as he cut HIV on my chart, put on dickens masks, two g owns, and three pairs of gloves. He took one x-ray film and and so had to do another. So he helped me onto the tablewith two gloves onand then took those off and put on two other pairs. It upset me. Arent these people cognizant?\n Stigma can also hoist from twain the gay and straight communities. In order to derogate this stigma there are veritable genial groups to help. wholeness such social group is a Body Positive social for HIV-positive people. Todd Crenshaw explains Once I got there it was like a gay bar. Everyone was standing(a) and modeling, which I never was really into anyway. Everybody also denied having ARC (AIDS link Complex), and said they were just HIV-Positive. In the gay community there are positives and negatives. (He degage the two with both hands in the air.) When Ive met and told some people Im positive, a mist comes down in trend of their face. I had a assignment with a guy I met in the lyceum who had expressed a lot of arouse in me. But when I said I was positive, the date just end right there. He never called me again.\n The most stressful plaza facing people infected with AIDS has to be relation back their children eventually their passing game to die. To me, being on the other side of the AIDS epidemic, this positioning is viewed very delicately and is seen in this way through Catherine Wyatt-Morleys journal. Catherine, being HIV-Positive, was faced with having to itemize her children that she had HIV. She described how it felt, Oh, how I wish I could put forward them, but I have no linguistic communication to explain this animateness nightmare, this invasion of the enemy. Its bad enough for Catherine that she was infected and now her stressful situation has led her to overhear the decision whether or not to tell her children. She ultimately decides to predicate her children about her situation because her family are the ones who are going to be there to help her through her ordeal.\n In reading bei ng Positive, The Lives of Men and Women with AIDS, AIDS Memoir, Journal of an HIV-Positive Mother, and a few chapters of And The solidification Played On I wise(p) a enormous amount about how AIDS personal effects the personal lives of people it encounters. Knowing about their personal lives and battle with AIDS helped me to better understand what stressors they go through, how they cope with the stressors cerebrate to the disease, and who they turn to for help.If you want to get a full essay, order it on our website: Looking for a place to buy a cheap paper online? Buy Paper Cheap - Premium quality cheap essays and affordable papers online. Buy cheap, high quality papers to impress your professors and pass your exams. Do it online right now! '

[newyorktheater]

There were so many memorable theater-related moments this year that were not part of any scripted show that they threatened to upstage any moments on stage. Even some of the most encouraging of these off-stage moments – such as the Town Hall held at the Public Theater on sexual harassment in the theater, or Lin-Manuel Miranda’s efforts on behalf of hurricane relief in Puerto Rico, including the song “Almost like Praying” – were silver linings in a largely cloud-filled year. Still, even in 2017, there were plenty of worthwhile moments in shows that ran in New York this year to help us to escape from, or inspire us to engage in, the world outside the theater. They happened unexpectedly, in shows you might not otherwise care for, and they happened in every month.

Click on any photograph below to see it enlarged and to read the extensive caption that explains the memorable stage moment. (In a few examples, the only photograph available was about the show, not the specific moment.

Confucius began with a few seconds of a realistic-looking video showing the dramatic landscape of Zhou Dynasty China (complete with dark clouds gathering overhead), before the curtain rose to reveal row upon row of performers bathed in stage smoke and glowing blue light, then glowing yellow, then glowing red. In alternating rows, the men — dressed in bright blue billowing robes with flowing sleeves – and the women — in deep red – leapt and bounced and bowed, and then circled one another with dignity and grace. It was stunning. Opened in January.

Made in China, a satirical puppet musical, was “inspired by true events,” according to Wakka Wakka, the theater company that produced it. I suspect the true part doesn’t include an American named Mary and her neighbor getting sucked down her toilet and winding up in the People’s Republic of China, where a dragon eats them. In any case, one of the most memorable moments occurred before that event, when Mary’s household appliances came to life, explaining that they were made in China – such as a toilet plunger. A gun sings: I was made by children in Hunan! Fifteen hours each day, they’re having fun! Safely tucked away from awful sun make for you the cheapest All-American gun! Pointed satire about worker exploitation and gun violence all in one verse. It was…memorable. Opened in January.

Rolls Andre, Ben Langhorst, Damon Daunno. Beardo, a musical by Dave Malloy (Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812) about Rasputin, climaxes in what begins as a ludicrous scene of heavy-set men wearing tutus attempting to dance a Russian ballet. But them turn out to be Rasputin’s assassins, and, through some kind of mystical alchemy, the moment turns from mockery into something both beautiful and chilling. Opened in February.

The Sweeney Todd Off-Broadway takes place in a theater transformed into a British pie shop – complete with the pies—and theatergoers sitting on benches around picnic tables. At one moment, Jeremy Secomb as Sweeney Todd stuck his hardened face right up against a theatergoer sitting at the end of one of the benches, and barked: “Move.” The man scooted over, so that Sweeney would have room on the bench right next to him to strangle the beggar woman. Opened in March.

In Significant Other, Jordan was a gay man whose three best female friends abandoned him one by one to get married, while his dating life was going nowhere. In a hilarious and heartrending moment, he engaged in an elaborate dance of indecision as he struggled with whether or not to click the key on his computer that would send a gushing e-mail proclaiming his love to a new office colleague. Opened in March.

Andy Karl and Barrett Doss. Three days before Groundhog Day was to open, its star Andy Karl injured his kneed. The doctors ordered him to take a few days off. When he returned, in a cheeky bit of improvisation in what was supposed to scene of seduction, he lounged on the sofa, proudly showed off the elaborate black knee-brace on his bare outstretched leg, and stuck a glass of Scotch on top of it. Opened in April

In Ernest Shackleton Loves Me, an early 20th century explorer of Antarctica meets a struggling freelance musician from Brooklyn, and she learns some important lessons from him. How do they connect? He bursts through her refrigerator, of course. It is not the only moment this season of a character bursting through a refrigerator. That happened as well in “Stuffed,” about overeating – and that refrigerator was padded. Opened in May

Venus is a play based on the true story of an early 19th century woman from Africa who was exhibited in freak shows in Europe. The very first thing we see on stage is the character/actress putting on a nude body suit, with the aid of a man dressed like a circus ringmaster. Then she poses for us, “naked” save for a scant loin cloth. The unspoken question: Are we, the spectators in 2017, all that different from the ones who paid two shillings in 1810? Opened in May

Julius Caesar at Shakespeare in the Park. Whatever else you may say about the moment that a Trump-like Julius Caesar – who wears suits with too-long ties, and has a Slavic wife – descended into his gold bathtub in the Delacorte Theater in Central Park, it was certainly memorable. This was true (given all the attendant public outrage) even for people who didn’t see it. Opened in June

Katy Sullivan, Victor Williams. In Cost of Living, Eddie gave his disabled wife Ani a bath, and decided to serenade her with a piano concerto. There is no piano in the bathroom, and Eddie never learned to play anyway, much as he wanted to. But he takes her paralyzed arm from the water, drapes it on the bathtub’s edge and plays her like a piano, synchronized with the radio broadcast. Opened in July

Oscar Isaac as Hamlet

Tony Yazbeck tap danced his way spectacularly through “The Right Girl” from Follies (which we’re told is Prince’s favorite musical. Opened in August.

Reg E. Cathey as Creon crying out in anguish in “Antigone in Ferguson,” presented for free by Theater of War Productions in a basketball court in Brownsville, Brooklyn. “I am a foolish man…I am crushed, I have been crushed by fate,”

In A Clockwork Orange, there was a moment when all eight members of the all-male cast portraying youthful thugs, took off their shirts en masse, revealing their Olympic-level training. If it was unclear why they did so, not a single theatergoer complained.

Denise Gough portrayed Emma, an alcoholic and drug addicted actress in People Places and Things as a complex woman of many moods. One moment brought this home in a theatrical way by her suddenly …replicating into maybe a dozen Emmas rushing around the stage. Opened October.

In The Band’s Visit, an Egyptian police band that’s lost asks for directions from a bored café proprietor, Dina (Katrina Lenk) “There is not Arab Center here,” Dina replied. “Not Israeli Culture, not Arab, not culture at all.” And then she Lenk launched into “Welcome to Nowhere” Opened in November

the ensemble of Mabou Mines’ Glass Guignol fitting actress Maude Mitchell with gigantic arms and feet and turning her into a giant living puppet

The moment in Parisian Woman when Uma Thurman interrupts the man who’s been complaining about her infidelity, having heard keys in the door. “It’s my husband”’ Opened in December.

The first moments of Hailey Kilgore’s ecstatic dancing in the sand in “Once On This Island.” Opened in December

(l-r) Sam Crane, Melody Grove, Lucas Hall, Huss Garbiya, Edward Peel and Mark Rylance Opened in December. The very first moment in Farinelli and the King, the very last play to open on Broadway in 2017, was not just memorable; it was thrilling. It ws the moment we saw the sumptuous set, multi-tiered, rich dark wood, red brocade and pre-electric chandeliers that were lowered in front of us, so that the performers could light the candles in them. What made this so memorable – what makes so many moments in theater worthwhile – is the excitement of anticipating what will follow.

  Links to more photographs and reviews of shows whose moments I mention above:

January: Confucius Made in China

February: Beardo

March Sweeney Todd Significant Other

April Groundhog Day

May Ernest Shackleton Loves Me Venus

June Julius Caesar

July Cost of Living Hamlet

August Antigone in Ferguson Prince of Broadway

September A Clockwork Orange

October People, Places and Things

November The Band’s Visit

December Glass Guignol The Parisian Woman Once on this Island Farinelli and the King

Memorable Moments on Stage in 2017 There were so many memorable theater-related moments this year that were not part of any scripted show that they threatened to upstage any moments on stage.

[stardustjunkie]

On Family & Ancestral Healing Disclaimer: Its long! The background story is first, insights at the end. I don't think it's a coincidence that as I've deepened my relationship with the medicine I've also been deepening my connection with my bloodline. Working with Grandmother has shown me how to more effectively and tenderly work with my Grandmother! Now, there are many bloodlines running through my body, but this particular work is regarding my matrilineal side, my Lebanese-Armenian family, with whom I grew up with and spent most of my childhood years around. My grandmother, Makrouhi Arabajian, now Margaret Thatje, helped raise me from birth till we moved from California to Wisconsin when I was about 9 years old. My sister and I would fly back to visit once or twice a year, but as I got older the trips were less and less. Being the first born, my grandmother always felt a special connection to me and spoiled me rotten. She's responsible for my early sugar addiction and love of musicals! Getting older and better understanding the intricacies of a family dynamic, I learned just how difficult life was growing up for my mother and uncle, and how challenging spending time with my grandmother can be. Without going into too much detail, my grandmother was the first in her family to immigrate to America from Lebanon. she came here alone at 24 years old with a husband who was 35 years her senior and totally emotionally unavailable. This is my grandfather, Adebeg, who I knew at 4 years old as an old man who fed me sugar cubes and scared me wth his dentures. I now have his gold front teeth as a necklace from my uncle. So, being alone in a new world is pretty frightening. She was put to work immediately and, being a rebel, had to learn all the ways a woman "should" act and perform as a "good wife." She had children, my uncle Ademar and my mother Laila. They grew up isolated, lonely, over-protected, and without a voice. Though fiercely loved, it was a love from a mother who had nothing but her children in this new world, at least until the rest of the family came to the US. This fear of losing what she had was manifested in being that kind of person who covers their furniture in plastic to protect it, if that gives you any sort of simple context. My mother and uncle endured some neglect from their birth father and abuse from their step father. My uncle is gay and unable to share that part of his life, which because of his conditioned self-loathing isn't really a life. He got a good job that allows him to visit his mother often and take care of her. My mom got married, gave her mother grandchildren, divorced twice and continued to battle her deep depression and high anxiety. Being older and able to see the complex weavings of my family dynamic and being someone who is so dedicated to healing and understanding, I have all kinds of new perspectives and approaches thanks to Ayahuasca and my personal experiences through emotional wild fires. After my first experience working with Ayahuasca in March, in a beautiful, transformative, life changing 4-day ceremony, I was compelled to see my grandmother (among many other things I was compelled to do and not do, hehe). I budgeted and booked a flight for June, right after my second round of ceremony. That entire visit felt like one long, intensive healing quest. I was still riding the post-ceremony euphoric clarity and that allowed me to anchor in love, to be patient and curious in the face of challenge and disruption. I was able to, for the first time, really connect with my uncle and see his pain. He's focused on his mother and her wellbeing for so long that it's become an obsession that's sucking the vitality out of his life. He's consistently on edge, suffers frequent panic attacks, out bursts of anger, lethargic depression, and decision paralysis. All from a place of love and concern, but expressed in a way that is depleting his personal reserves and distracting him from the path of healing by redirecting attention away from himself. My grandma is a whole other story! To keep it brief, she's a born-again a Christian who's extremely stubborn, hypocritical, progressive when it comes to the heart of a matter but conditioned to be rather critical of absolutely everything on the surface. She glosses over conflict, wants the best from you but only if it's in the way she thinks is best, and loves to sing Armenian church hymns as morning prayer even though she lost her voice. She's hilarious, generous, so strong, and really a trail blazer. Last visit I considered moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to her. One of my jobs is as a caregiver for dementia patients. I thought, "Why am I caring for someone else's grandmother when I can be taking care of my own?" I considered indigenous beliefs systems regarding family, community, and caring for elders and how in our western world we've moved away from communal care because of the productivity based work schedules this life under capitalism and hegemony require. I considered who and what I'd be leaving behind, the sacrifices and compromises, and what sort of unknowns I'd be embracing. The ocean called to me, and I wanted to return to her. I was pretty convinced for a couple weeks. I waiting till I was back home and settled to reconsider such a huge move. Now, I've decided that I have much work I want to do in Milwaukee, and my community and creative endeavors thst are in Wisconsin are still alive and growing. Also, I want to be close to ceremony and my rebel family, the community that we cultivate and nourish. Now that I'm here again, a month later, Im seeing that my decision was the right one. My grabdmother is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, cooks for herself, cares for a delicious fig tree and lush rose garden. Shes got some health issues of course, but ultimately is pretty damn great for her age! I'm able to sit with her, listen to her stories and extract all kinds of wisdom through the broken English that weaves in French, Arabic, and Armenian words. I see that some of her health issues are mine- her having lost her voice but still singing as prayer, her digestive issues, her addiction to sweets. I have learned to receive messages of healing and guidance all around me. I have grown in patience and learned when to engage and when to float. I see now that the thorn is in my uncle's side. This trip has been energetically heavy and sludgey compared to last time. My uncle arrived on edge and hasn't moved from it. Yesterday his mounting stress, anxiety, and suppressed feelings erupted in a temper tantrum during a 3 hour car ride home from a family gathering. I knew what was going on, so I didn't breach the subject, making sure to allow some space on what was rather close quarters. instead, I focused on what I could've done better, what I could do moving forward. I sat in silent meditation in the passenger seat. Letting my mind and spirit journey, seeing myself as someone who can see the truth so clearly, but often burns when I should warm. I saw that because I know better in this situation, I have to be the one to do better. That though my perceptions may be right, my delivery is the most important part. I noticed that when it comes to a family members pain I have a hard time feeling compassionate. I get annoyed, irritated, angry. I want to tell them to get their shit together because I'm only 27 and who the fuck is helping me out? I allowed myself to see this part of me in my mind, to see where it arises in my body. I then asked myself why I cannot look at his pain? Why is it so uncomfortable to see an adult family member so vulnerable and suffering? I looked, in my mind, at his pain. I saw that he felt isolated, alone, and deeply lost to himself. I saw that I couldn't look at it because it was my pain, too. Then I asked for my higher self to elevate me to a vantage point of love. To see love in everyone and everything! Stop look passed ego and personalities and to see the love, the angel, the child within. To learn to soften into tender compassion. To break the uncomfortable barrier of affection and hold him of he needed it. I prayed to Ayahuasca to help me move this energy, to see where I am creating blockages, to see where I can provide support, where I can offer healing and love. I am being shown when to blaze and when to warm (to use Justin Tilley's words). I slept on it. In the morning I went for a walk while Ademar was doing work in the garden before the clear, bright, hot sun moved in. I sang what I call Chaos Songs- free association melodies and words, even if nonsense, with the intention of love and healing. I returned to my grandmothers mobile home and Ademar immediately came to apologize. I invited him to sit with me on the porch and talk. He explained everything that I already knew- his mounting anxiety, his feelings of being out of control, the helplessness, feeling isolated, the eruption. He started to cry. Just like in my vision, I was able to hold him, to tell him he's safe and I love him. We discussed how he spends all his time and energy focused on helping his mother and so has neglected to help himself. I encouraged him to find therapy back home, since the company he works for is really creative, progressive, and offers amazing insurance. He agreed. We discussed that grandma is really actually alright, and now it's him that needs the love and support. Now the sun is climbing higher, the air is hot and dry. My uncle is resting on the couch (that no longer is covered with plastic), my grandmother is awake and making Turkish coffee, I am washing figs and spooning olives into a bowl. Thank you for reading. Thank you to our plant teachers, to Ayahuasca for her terrifying, beautiful, infinite love and power. Thank you for these opportunities for growth. Thank you for this experience of life.