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archadianskies · 3 years

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@dbhrarepairs Thursday Day 4: Enemies to Lovers • Abandoned Things; post-revolution RK900/Simon

He is PL600 #501 743 923, designated name ‘Simon’. He was activated on the 2nd of February 2034, and reported missing on the 16th of February 2036 by one of his owners, Mr Keelan Burbank. That’s it. That’s all he remembers.

Not the fact he is a leader of Jericho, the original leader of Jericho, and one of the Jericho Four. Not the fact he was a martyr, a leader willing to sacrifice himself to save the others. Not the fact he put a gun under his chin and pulled the trigger to prevent the Deviant Hunter from discovering Jericho. No, he doesn’t remember any of that.

They tell him the bullet tore through his memory core, damaging it irreparably. Simon of the Jericho Four died on the rooftop of Stratford Tower and he is but a shell. This does not sit well with the other three, who he learns are PJ500, Josh, WR400, North, and RK200, Markus. They want Simon back, but there is nothing left of Simon to give.

Not for the lack of trying, though, Elijah Kamski and Chloe RT600, the First, work tirelessly on him. They try and salvage his fried memory core, they take it apart with miniscule tweezers as if to save every atom and attempt to piece it back together like a delicate puzzle. They run simulations, they make prototype replacements, they spend resources worth more than Simon’s PL600 model a thousand times over. And still, he remembers nothing.

With nothing else to do between tests, he roams CyberLife Tower like a ghost in its clean, clinical hallways. He shares his face with so many others no one spares him a second glance. It both comforts and hurts him, to be so readily ignored.

Sometimes one, or two, or all three come to visit him again and they try to tell him anecdotes, of things their Simon did in the hopes it would jog his memory. There is no memory to jog, he tells them over and over. The bullet ripped that apart.

When North visits him by herself, she holds his hands so tightly it alerts his pressure sensors. She cries, she cries a lot of tears and says a lot of I’m so fucking sorrys and I didn’t want this to happens. She tells him they promised each other that Markus always came first, even at the cost of their lives. She just didn’t think he’d pay for it so soon. He’s not sure what to say to her, to comfort her, only that if Simon did promise such things to her then she should feel proud that he upheld the promise because Markus is here, Markus is safe.

When Josh visits him by himself, he sits with Simon on the floor in the corner of the room designated to him. Josh tells him this is how they spent so many nights in Jericho, when Jericho was a rotting freighter in the canal and Markus had not crashed into their lives yet. He would sit in the corner with Simon and keep him warm because of his broken thermal regulator. Josh’s hands are warm when he holds his hands and Simon thinks the original Simon was incredibly lucky to have such a friend on cold, seemingly endless nights.

When Markus visits him by himself, he gives Simon a sketchbook.

“I tried to draw as many as I could remember.” The android explains, as Simon slowly turns the pages. They are memories, Markus’ memories, but Simon is in them. “Chloe said we shouldn’t interface, we shouldn’t force our memories onto you so I thought this would be the next best thing.”

He is holding a sketchbook of original Manfred drawings. From his research he knows Markus Manfred (yes, a human surname given by his human father) is both seen as the spokesperson of their kind, and a prolific artist famous for his works about the revolution. This sketchbook alone is probably worth more than his PL600 body.

“Thank you, it’s beautiful.” He says, because it is a gift and sadly not the tool Markus wishes it were. “You’re very kind. I’m… I’m sorry for your loss.”

A look of grief washes over Markus’ handsome face, and he pulls Simon into his arms briefly, embracing him tightly before he steps back and walks away.

He wonders if the original Simon haunts that rotting freighter now at the bottom of the canal. Does he wander up and down its corridoors, does he roam with the other lost souls that died during the raid he never lived to see? Or is he up on Stratford Tower, pacing that rooftop, waiting for his friends to return, to rescue him, only to have to kill himself over and over and over, stuck in an endless cycle with no one to break it?

It is a kindess he died, he thinks.

CyberLife Tower has only been under the control of the Kamskis (yes, Chloe has a human surname given by her human creator, though perhaps she took it without it being given?) for less than a month. Elijah Kamski became interim CEO after Hudson Davenport stepped down, wishing to wash his hands clean of the deviancy ‘mishap’ as he called it. Elijah in turn appointed Chloe Kamksi as the CEO once the Sentient Life Act passed, stepping down to remain Chief Technical Officer by her side.

It means they are still trying to catch up after more than a decade’s absence from this place. It means they do not know everything, they do not know everywhere and there are still discoveries being made day to day. With nothing else to do between tests, he roams CyberLife Tower and because he is a ghost, no one sees him.

He is a ghost with cutting edge technology in his head now, and an upgraded core capable of processing data faster than his obsolete predecessor could even hope to process. And so he finds rooms that don’t exist, much the same way he doesn’t exist, not really, because Simon is dead and he is but a shadow of him.

He finds an entire floor deep underground that doesn’t exist on any blueprint, any elevator route, anyone’s knowledge. When he finds things like this, he is supposed to notify the Kamskis immediately, but this one thing he wants to keep to himself at least for now. Just for a little while.

It’s a self contained lab complete with its own power source, its own network, its own servers; a completely isolated floor unbeknowst to everyone above. It smells sharp, like disinfectant and spilled thirium and gunpowder residue. There is a fabricator and assembly arms and they were building androids down here, that weren’t meant to be built by everyone above.

There is a single android standing on the assembly dias, inactive. It looks like the Deviant Hunter- like Detective Connor Anderson, he should say, because the Deviant Hunter became a deviant and a son. This one is wearing a white and black uniform, the model number RK900 emblazoned on its jacket in glowing neon.

The android no one knows about. The android haunting this level, unable to wake fully and control his actions. It must be lonely down here, abandoned and without purpose. Simon thinks they must be alike this way. It’s been so lonely, not having any friends who don’t treat him like the walking dead. Perhaps he can befriend this one instead. Perhaps they will haunt CyberLife Tower together, ghosts of what could have been.

Reaching out, he cups his palm to the android’s cheek.

“Wake up.” He whispers, and the RK900 opens his cold grey eyes.

~*~

They tell him he is to be deployed soon. He is progressing well, on track to complete his testing phase and replace the RK800 prototype currently involved with the DPD. When he is not actively completing tests, he remains in his Zen Garden. Sometimes his handler is there, but most times she is not. He tends to her roses in her absence, and ensures the grounds are well kept.

It is on the cusp of Summer here, though outside Winter has only just begun. He thinks perhaps it has something to do with his anticipation, of waiting with simulated bated breath before his deployment out into the real, waking world. In the meantime he will care for this garden, he will nurture it so it flourishes in time for Summer.

Time passes differently in the garden which is not beholden to the world outside. His handler has not appeared, nor has he been brought out of stasis and activated for more tests. He cannot be entirely sure, but he thinks substantial time has passed though he has no way to confirm such thoughts. It’s as he’s tending to the amaranthus, as he’s carefully avoiding the flight patterns of the bumblebees, that he feels something trigger his proximity sensors.

“Wake up.” Someone commands, and when he opens his eyes there is an android in front of him, hand cupping his cheek. The wi-fi on this level, the one he automatically connects to, no longer exists and instead he finds himself automatically connected to the main CyberLife network, something he has never had access to. He scans the android’s face and a deluge of information topples into his head.

“PL600, serial number 501 743 923, designated name ‘Simon’. Founder and member of the Jericho Four. Martyr for the deviant revolution.” He recites the information, and Simon rubs his cheek with his thumb idly, expression distant.

“So they say.” The android moves his hand, bringing up his other to fuss over his uniform, smoothing non-existent creases from the front of his jacket out of domestic habit, he surmises. “I have no memory of that Simon. He died when he shot himself on the roof of Stratford Tower.”

There’s still information pouring into his head, like a dam breaking and flooding the fjord before it. The deviant revolution- the event CyberLife deployed his prototype to quell, paving the way for his placement into SWAT Unit 32 and the eventual release of his model for government use. But it succeeded, and RK800 prototype Connor remained deviant and defied CyberLife’s control, becoming a key figure in securing the numbers for the revolution by activating the androids in the Tower’s storage level.

The Sentient Life Act passed on the first of December, granting androids legally recognised autonomy as living, sentient beings. Elijah Kamski and Chloe RT600 now helm CyberLife, with the android as the CEO and the human as the Chief Technical Officer. The nation has changed drastically, and he has slept through the entirety of it.

“Do you have a name?” Simon asks.

“I was not assigned a name.” He takes a moment to survey his surroundings. Everything has been switched off, packed up, and taken away in a great hurry. There are odds and ends strewn everywhere, left behind in their haste. He realises he is one of those things, something abandoned in their rush to escape. From what? From whom? The scrutiny of Elijah Kamski and Chloe RT600, he thinks.

“Then we must choose one.” Simon smiles softly, reaching up to smooth his hair back away from his face. “Without the meddling of humans.”

“Why are you here?”

“Because I accidentally found this place while exploring the Tower.” The PL600 tugs on his wrists, coaxing him to step off the dias. There is a workbench nearby, and Simon hops onto it, patting the spot beside him. He takes a seat and frowns at the android.

“Why are you exploring the Tower? Should you not be in Jericho, with the other three?”

“I am not that Simon.” He says simply, looking down at his hands. “That Simon is dead.”

“Why did you activate me by yourself?” The RK900 looks down the hallway now in his line of sight, seeing a similar state of harried departures. Not a single sign of life to be found. No one considered him important enough to bring with them, or at least notify anyone else of his presence.

“I was lonely.” Simon confesses quietly. “I thought you would know a thing or two about that too.”

Loneliness. Yes, he thinks, he does know a thing or two about that.

“Have you been here in the Tower since Elijah Kamski returned?”

“Yes, but I was under Chloe and Elijah’s care even before that. Your brother had me brought over to their private laboratory at the Kamksi villa after the revolution.” Simon explains, picking at the cuff of his jacket. “I was being held in the DPD evidence locker, with other casualties from his cases. When he became deviant he tried making amends, and though the others were able to be repaired, my memory core was damaged irreparably.”

“So he brought you to the man who created us.”

“And the First of us.” He adds with a small smile. “She is his equal. She is his superior, in more ways than one.”

“But even they could not repair your memory core?”

“I shot myself through it for a reason. I’m told it was to protect Jericho, to destroy all information Connor could possibly access to locate it.” There’s a loose thread on his cuff, and he tugs on it distractedly. “In the end he still managed to piece it together using another deviant.”

“In the end he still deviated, and aided the three in turning the tide against the humans.”

“Yes. You should be proud.” He reaches over to pat his hand. “Your big brother is a revolutionary.”

Brother. That’s the second time he’s used that word, and he isn’t sure how he feels about it. Feels, because that is something he can do now, somehow, without the humans around. Without the red wall surrounding him, boxing him in.

“How did you do that?”

“Hm?”

“My firewalls are gone.”

“Oh I-” Simon frowns, before offering a somewhat apologetic smile. “I’m not sure. I just wanted you to wake up, so I opened a connection and overrode them in order to reach you.”

“You deviated me.” He tips his head in confusion. “Your system should not have been able to breach my firewalls.”

“I’m not a PL600 anymore.” Simon shrugs. “I’m a Kamski prototype now. First of my kind, just like you I suppose. You’ve been here this whole time, haven’t you? Were you in stasis?”

“I was still active in my Zen Garden though my body was in stasis.” He explains, not missing Simon’s flash of distress. “Time passes differently in there, though. I hadn’t realised weeks had passed at all.”

“It sounds peaceful.”

“Shall I show you?” He’s not sure if he can. He’s never brought anyone into his Zen Garden, Amanda had always simply appeared at her own whim. But surely it can’t be too hard? Simon nods and slips his hand into his, and as he closes his eyes a small part of him thinks it’s nice to hold hands with someone else. No one has ever held his hand before. He wouldn’t mind holding Simon’s hand again.

When he opens his eyes he’s standing at the entrance to the garden, and Simon is right there at his side. The android gasps, eyes wide with wonder.

“Oh it’s beautiful. It’s exquisite, I’ve never seen anything like this.” They’re still holding hands, and he leads Simon down the path at a slow, leisurely pace. “You were tending this garden all this time?”

“Yes.” He nods. “My handler’s favourite was the roses growing on the trellis over there.” He points, wondering if the roses had always been blue. He’s so sure they used to be red.

“Do you have a favourite?” He shakes his head.

“Not really. I care for everything equally. I was to tend to the rowan tree next.”

“Rowan.” Simon repeats. “That could be your name.”

“Rowan.” He says, and thinks it sounds far more pleasing when Simon says it. “RK900, serial number 313 248 317 - 87, designated name ‘Rowan’.”

“Now you’re no longer a nobody.” Simon declares with a smile. “Now there’s two of us. Ghosts in the machine.”

“Forgotten and left behind.” He adds lightly, and it no longer tastes so bitter on his tongue.

“But no longer alone.” Simon curls against his side, snaking an arm around his waist. After a moment Rowan wraps an arm around his shoulders, resting his cheek atop his soft blond hair.

“No longer alone.”

#simon pl600 #rk900 #simon900 #detroit: become human #dbhrarepairsweek #annie writes: dbh #song inspo by porter robinson

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latinalesbi · 7 years

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Again, For the First Time

Long ago promised account of their second wedding night.

At ff.net or ao3 or here after the cut.

Stef still wasn’t used to expressing the doubts that laid buried deep underneath her tough persona. at a time when she wasn’t so sure of Lena, Stef’s sudden breast cancer had forced her to face and expose her many insecurities. Thankfully, things had changed and now she felt sure of and close to Lena again.

So, it was disconcerting to be confronted again by this little nagging uncertainty, when Lena had refused another wedding. Instead of doubling down on this apprehension and fear, as she might have done in the past, Stef had faced it head on. She wouldn’t let pride stand in the way of a necessary conversation. So, she’d asked Lena pointblank, would she marry her again, knowing what she knows now? Knowing that Stef could close herself off; Knowing that Stef carried death seeds in her genes; Knowing there were women that could charm her and give her a different kind of life; Knowing that they could come close to the edge and fail to communicate. Had this period in their life done irreparable damage? Would Lena feel safer not having such a legal and symbolic commitment between them?

Meanwhile, Lena wished she had anticipated this reaction. After the tough year they’d had, Lena was still not used to Stef like this, open and vulnerable: so exposed it broke her heart. Lena made a weak attempt at wiping her tears, “Stef, honey, I waited so long for you to ask me the first time. I wouldn’t even allow myself the dream of it even happening.”

Stef got down on bended knee, as if it were the first time, “Lena Elizabeth Adams, please allow me the honor of making an honest woman of you. Marry me.”

Reaching for Stef’s hands, Lena’s answer came with a smile, “For the first time again, Stefanie Marie Foster, I thought you’d never ask.” Stef could make Lena say the corniest things.

Stef was overjoyed, she needed Lena’s love and commitment as much as she needed the air she breathed. “Baby, you make me so happy.”

They were about to kiss when Sharon came into the room, with Will in tow. “We’re not getting married.”

“We’re getting married.” Stef burst out.

“Today?” Sharon inquired, suddenly enthused.

“What? No, it’s just that our divorce is final and I asked Lena to marry me again for the first time and she agreed!” Stef was beaming, feeling so proud of their love.

Sharon looked at Will and they both knew what had to be done. With an encouraging nod from him, Sharon spoke, “Well, we were about to go disperse the guests and tell them we’re just gonna have a party instead, but seeing as everything is set up…”

Will finished the thought, “You two should get married.”

Stef looked at Lena with a wide smile, “You wanna?”

Lena smiled, caught up in the moment, then suddenly remembering the details, “But, it’s not legal. We don’t have a license.”

“That’s not hard to get,” Sharon knew from recent experience how easy it was.

“You need an appointment, that much I remember,” Lena suddenly wanted to be just as married to Stef as she had been the day before.

Stef was not one to let bureaucracy stop her, “Look, we can go right after the ceremony. I know a few people at the courthouse who owe me a favor. We’ll be back before the party is over and have the paperwork signed. And then we’d be set. Because honestly Lena, I don’t know who I am if I can’t be Mrs. Adams Foster again.”

Disbelief covered Lena’s face. “I love it when you get mushy.” Lena jumped on Stef and kissed her lips eagerly.

“Hey, hey, save it for the ceremony,” Sharon interrupted.

“Should we change? I mean, I still have my wedding dress somewhere.” Lena scrambled to her feet.

“We can’t recreate it, remember? Let’s just do it. Crowd is out there waiting, and all I need is you by my side. Nothing else.” Stef stood up and held out her hand. Lena took it and nodded.

Sharon was pleased, the disaster that she had created had not only been averted, but it would turn into a celebration of love for her daughter. She searched Will’s face and saw joy and perhaps a little disappointment as well. She’d have to take time to reassure him later.

“We’ll go first and break it to the crowd, and you two walk in after us.” Sharon took Will’s hand and walked out of the restroom.

Hand in hand, Stef and Lena walked towards their backyard. They both knew they’d made the right decision when they chose divorce to keep their house. This place was where their children had been raised and had played together endlessly. This was the ground where their daughter was buried. And also, it was the altar where they had first been married. So, they’d gotten divorced to save this place and now it would save them again. A house is not a home, and a marriage was not a piece of paper. Yet, if they could have it all; If they could have both, then why not?

Stef held on tight to Lena’s hand with both of hers and walked out to meet her family and her mom’s friends. She wasn’t nervous about their surprise or confusion, she just felt joy, utter joy at knowing that the love of her life, this woman, loved her back. They would once again be married, united against the world and all their challenges. The bit of pride she had nurtured during their first wedding, had turned into a tidal wave of feeling. She was overwhelmed with the knowledge that it didn’t get better than this.

Her children looked puzzled, but Stef could see realization in their eyes, immediately they were elated. There wasn’t a kid in the house that didn’t want their moms married. So they walked down the isle towards a man who probably had gotten his license on the internet, much like Lena’s dad once had. It was inconsequential. They weren’t religious people, they didn’t need that kind of ceremony. Will’s friend Bob would fit the bill as well as any man who would officiate.

The words spoken were not important. Amid a building storm, Bob struggled when his script had suddenly changed characters. Stef and Lena had not prepared vows. Over the past year, they had found so many different ways of expressing their commitment that they didn’t feel the need for lengthy speeches.

Earlier, in private, Stef had put herself on the line. Now in public, Lena would do the heavy lifting and struggle to put words to something they both understood in their hearts. Spurred on by the thunder around them, Lena smiled wide, “Uh, ok. I didn’t really prepare anything but um. Of course I would marry you again today. I am marrying you today. No matter how hard life gets or what challenges we face...” Then staring into the watery eyes of her wife to be, Lena’s voice began to crack, “My love for you has only gotten stronger over this past year and I know that no matter what happens, it always will.” Lena finished with another smile.

With the wind whipping the decorations around, Stef rushed the ceremony, “Ok, I think I am going to say ditto, if that’s ok with everyone. Cause we gotta...” The sentiment was understood by everyone who could feel the wind and hear the thunder falling closer and faster.

Bob made quick work of the rest, “That’s great. Great. Yeah, ok so uh, by the power invested in me by the state of California and a bunch of legal blah blah blah, you are now united in matrimony.”

Stef was now impatient to seal it all with a kiss, “Can we?”

“Hurry up and kiss.” Bob deadpanned.

Stef, walked towards Lena, “That’s the point I wanted anyway.”

They joined lips much like their first wedding, but this time, it seemed that Lena had a tighter grip on her. Her embrace spoke the words in Lena’s heart, ‘I am never letting you go.’

As the kiss deepened, they both grew oblivious to the increasing strength of the storm and the disappearing crowd. The hold outs were Mariana and a reluctant Callie, who nevertheless also got caught up in their moms’ romantic second wedding kiss. But when the rain began, both girls rushed inside with the rest of the guests.

Now, the only two riding out the storm, were Stef and Lena. The overwhelming need to connect and the strength of their love carried them past the commotion to a place where only the two existed. Not taking notice of the gathering crowd at the window of their house, Stef and Lena kissed over and over. Everyone wanted a look at the kind love they all knew they’d be lucky to encounter themselves. Eventually, they left them alone, as Lena’s touches became more intimate. Hands grasped, teased and scraped, as lips joined over and over and their caresses slid over wet clothes and skin.

Ultimately, even the newlywed couple could not ignore the powerful storm. With one more quiet peck, Lena spoke into Stef’s lips. “I wish we could kiss all night long.”

Stef kept her arms tightly around Lena. “Me too, but I’ve got to get that piece of paper. I don’t know why I am political all of a sudden, but I need to make you my wife again.”

Lena like this side of Stef, both romantic and possessive. What she didn’t like was an indifferent Stef. Everyone in this house understood how intoxicating her attention could be, even when it was her anger, because it came from a caring place. “Ok,” Lena smiled as Stef took charge, and pulled her inside.

Everyone cheered when they got inside, their kids rushing to hug them. Before the kids could even try to clarify the situation, Stef explained, “Ok kids, mama and I got officially divorced today, and we want to go and make it legal again. We’re going to change, and go to the courthouse and get a paper for Bob to sign and we’ll officially Mrs. And Mrs. Adams Foster again. You guys enjoy the party and we’ll be right back.”

Stef grabbed Lena’s hand again, and rushed her upstairs. Overjoyed and excited, Stef was a woman on a mission. Once inside their bedroom, she watched Lena begin to take off her soaked garments. In two quick, long steps, she was before Lena. “Let me,” she groaned.

Lena felt her clothes being peeled off quickly and efficiently. Stef needed to feel her Lena, “I think we need to have some out of wedlock sex.”

“Oh, does it make you feel naughty?” Lena rubbed against Stef.

Stef kissed Lena’s neck, “You make me feel naughty.” She felt a still wet, now naked Lena beneath her hands. She’d never touched anything as soft as Lena’s skin. Stef kissed her again, she reached between her legs, and found her wet. “Is that from our kissing?”

Lena nodded, Stef’s passionate kisses had burned a trail throughout her body, that not even the drenching rain could put out.

Stef ran her fingers through Lena’s moist folds, teasing her opening as Lena moved her hips against her. “Lena, baby, you’re so beautiful.”

“Stef,” Lena suddenly wanted Stef everywhere.

“Shh, stay quiet. Yes?” Stef warned, knowing how hard that was for Lena. She entered her gently with one finger, and felt Lena quickly tighten up and shiver beneath her. She then withdrew and rubbed up and down concentrating on stimulating her clit. She didn’t want to tease, she needed Lena to come. She kissed Lena and surrounded her body with her own body, which was still covered in wet clothes. She pushed herself as close to Lena as she could. Feeling her, smelling her, tasting her. Quickly, she brought Lena to the edge. Lena was breathing out short moans, as she built towards her climax. Stef picked up the speed, Lena was so slick, her finger kept sliding off Lena’s clit. She used two fingers and circled Lena to orgasm with a shudder that almost brought Lena to her knees. Stef held her up, and kept her in arms, kissing her hair while Lena regained her composure.

When Stef felt Lena gain her footing, she quickly kissed her and began to take her own clothes off. By the longing look on Lena’s face, Stef surmised her thoughts, “Don’t even think about it, we have to get to the courthouse. I just needed to make you mine.”

“I’ll always be yours,” Lena reached for Stef, who quickly slipped by.

“Nope, let’s go get married.”

Hours later, they found themselves in a large suite at a hotel in San Diego.

Lena took the room in, “I can’t believe your mother did this for us.”

Stef smiled, “She owed us, that party was full of her friends anyway. She might as well enjoy it.” Inwardly, Stef had been incredibly touched by the gesture. Sharon had pulled her aside and reminded her that they’d never had a proper wedding night. She and Will would have tons of time alone but she knew that Stef and Lena would not. This was the least she could do. Lost in the memory, Stef noticed Lena hesitate in front of the room’s refrigerator. “Do you want something to drink?”

Lena smiled, “Um, did your mother say she’d cover incidentals.”

Stef shook her head, embarrassed about her behavior that weekend. “I’ve been such a fool. I am going to make it up to you. We’ll get whatever we want!”

Just as Stef was reaching for the fridge, they got a knock on the door. “Room service” came a soft voice. Stef watched a young woman carefully set up the table in their room.

Lena came in and smiled at the surf and turf delights her mother in law had laid down in front of them. Right after the ceremony, Sharon had come up to her. It had seemed as if something was between them, ever since Stef’s cancer. If Lena was honest, there had always been something between them. Lena recalled her conversation:

“Listen, Lena, I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m not sure that I’ve always thought you were the best woman for my daughter.” Before Lena could argue Sharon waved her off, “Look, I’ve never really said anything because what I think isn’t important. My daughter has always been devoted to you and I’ve always supported that.”

Lena nodded, knowing that she’d always felt the slight tension between them. An assumed in-law competition of the wills to see who had more influence over Stef.

“I always felt that maybe my daughter couldn’t measure up to your lifestyle, your upbringing. Recently, I’d even wondered if you’d…” Sharon took a deep breath, “strayed.”

Lena’s mouth dropped, but before she could argue Sharon continued. “I’ve never meddled or counseled against your relationship. I want you to know that. I support my daughter. I’ve seen you two and I’ve watched you carefully since my daughter’s brush with death and I am now certain that you’re the right woman for her. You have been through the toughest year imaginable and you’re better than ever. I can see it, everyone can see it. I want you to know, that watching you get married again has made me the happiest mother in the world. I know you girls come from different places, but somehow together, you’re the perfect couple and I really want you go and celebrate ok? I’ve set everything up, you just gotta go to the hotel.”

Lena’s head was spinning with all the revelations. She’d never really thought that Sharon had thought these things, but with that shock came the relief of knowing that she’d finally won her over. So she did the one thing that came to her heart, she hugged her. “Thank you, Sharon.” In typical corny wedding dialogue, Lena continued honestly, “I promise your daughter is in safe hands. I love her very much and I always will.”

“I know. Go, go and have sex, lots of it.”

Lena chuckled and went in search of Stef.

“You know your mother is very thoughtful.” Lena continued back in real time at the hotel.

Stef huffed.

“No, she is. She talked to me about not being sure about me. She didn’t think we were right for each other. She thought maybe I had been unfaithful.” Lena confessed. They were in their room alone again. The food had been set in a table at the corner of the room.

Stef cocked her eyebrow, “She told you all that?”

Lena nodded, coming over to Stef, sitting in front of the food. “Did she talk to you about that?”

Stef looked at Lena, “Not in as many words. She would always say things like, ‘Is she having an affair?’ But early on in our marriage, she’d say things like, ‘Is that not good enough for her?’ Things like that. And you know she’s never liked your mother. I think she feared you would turn out to be like her.”

Lena scoffed, “You know well that all my life I’ve fought hard to not resemble certain parts of my mother.”

Stef sat next to Lena, “And I think you’ve done a great job baby, you’ve got the best of her.”

Lena smiled, “I am happy you think so. Anyway, your mom told me today that she no longer thinks that of me. She thinks we’re perfectly matched up.”

“Well that’s a relief, because so do I. When she asked me if you were having an affair, I denied it, but she could sense something was wrong. This was right before the surgery.”

“After we made love that night?”

Stef reassured, “No, no. No love. It was right before we did. I was still feeling very insecure about everything.”

Lena shook her head regretfully, “I’m sorry I ever made you doubt me.”

“Listen, it’s not that. It takes two to tango. I wouldn’t have been in that position if I hadn’t given this an entry way. I can take responsibility for that now. And I can probably say the same thing about you. We neglected us and it got us to that point. But our love is strong and it’s forever.”

Lena snuggled into Stef, “You don’t know what listening to you being mushy does to me.”

Taking Lena’s hand to her lips, Stef whispered “Oh, I think I do.”

“It makes me melt all the way down to my toes.” Lena conceded.

Stef reached between Lena’s legs, “Down here?”

“You know it does,” Lena slapped Stef’s hand away. “I want to eat this food, taste this champagne. You’ll get what you want tonight.”

Stef groaned, “You sure?”

“No kids tonight, I am sure! You’re mother better take care of any problems..”

“Let’s make a vow tonight!” Suddenly, Stef had a plan.

“We already did today honey, Lena mocked.

Stef winked, “This one will be different. Let’s not mention the kids again for the rest of the night.”

Lena wasn’t convinced, “Are you sure we can do this? I am not sure we’ll have enough to talk about.”

“Hey, we were people before these kids. We can do this.”

“Ok, challenge accepted.” Lena nodded, pouring each other a glass of champagne. “So, how’s the weather?”

“Lena!” Stef’s words triggered an uproarious laughter in Lena.

“Ok, fine. I know, I didn’t want another wedding, but you were right. We needed this. And it didn’t need to top that night, with our family. But this can be ours. We can have a private reception this time. For us.” Lena finally stopped laughing.

“Ok, so let’s start with the toast.”

Lena took the lead. “To the brides, may your life be blessed daily with reminders of the love that binds you.”

Stef raised her glass and touched it to Lena’s. “To the brides!” After a quick drink, she began, “And I’d like to make a toast, to the love of my life, now and always I am yours and I’ll work extra hard to listen and to communicate the love and compassion that fills my heart when I think of you.”

Lena’s eyes were misty, she said “Ditto” before toasting, “To the brides.” They sealed this promise with a kiss.

They stayed snuggling for a bit, before Stef’s belly growled. “Surf and Turf is my favorite, you know?”

Lena smiled, “Yes, actually I do know that.” She was about to speak about her family and remembered the rules. “I paid attention to you long before we got together. I knew how you liked your coffee before we even kissed.”

“You mean before I kissed you.” Stef corrected, as she started digging into her steak. Medium rare, just as she liked it.

Lena conceded, “Yep, before you kissed me. We’d gone out so many times and you always got coffee. It’s funny we’ve turned into tea drinkers.”

“We’re getting old.” Stef teased.

Lena playfully slapped her again. “Not me, I just turned forty.”

“You looked amazing that day, by the way. The way that body suit hugged your body. I know I was the envy of everyone there,” Stef bragged.

“You looked amazing yourself. I don’t think I’d ever seen you in a tie before. Which is incredible considering how long I’ve known you. Back in the coffee days, you looked like a soccer mom,” Lena reminisced back to their earlier times.

Now Stef objected, “Nothing wrong with soccer moms, but yeah I am feeling much more like myself now.”

Lena stopped teasing, knowing the conversation was turning serious again, “I really think that’s helped us.”

“You do?” Stef questioned.

Nodding, Lena reasoned, “I think you couldn’t really be honest with yourself so you really weren’t really free with me either. Plus, I am sure I didn’t help. Maybe, the same worry your mother had about me, you had about me.” Going from Stef’s confused look, Lena continued to explain, “Maybe you thought I wouldn’t like you if you were a little more butch.”

Stef understood, “Ahh, if I am honest, I’ve seen all the women you dated Lena and well none of them were butch.”

Lena put her hand on Stef’s thigh, “That doesn’t mean I was never attracted to women who weren’t feminine, it just didn’t work out that way. If I am being honest, maybe they were never my girlfriends because I was worried about my mother’s reaction. I am fairly certain that’s why I dated Gretchen for as long as I did. I knew it pleased my mom.”

“So maybe you are right, now we can fully be here for each other. Knowing each other truly as we are and not fearing that we won’t be enough.” Stef offered.

“The things is, soccer moms were never my thing either, but god Stef, you were. The second I saw you, I liked you so much.” Lena now began to squeeze Stef’s strong thigh.

Stef began to react to the touch, “I didn’t even acknowledge my attraction for women, but I noticed you too.”

Lena continued, “So, I don’t think I care about how you present yourself. As long as you’re happy and honest. And that’s what you’re like now. I see it, especially out of uniform. You were always confident in uniform, but now, it just oozes out of you all the time.”

Stef blushed. “I am glad, because I respect that about you. You’ve always been so comfortable with yourself.”

“I try but I struggle with other things.” Lena acknowledged.

Stef finally put her fork down and turned towards Lena, “Neither of us is perfect, and we need to remember that. I will never ever try to harm you on purpose and you have to trust that. Cut me a break and remember that I love you.”

Lena considered what Stef was saying. “You’re right. I’ll try to be gentler and you have to remember that I would never willingly hurt you either. I just want us to continue to communicate.”

“Agreed. Hey, I like this no kid-talk rule. We should do that more often.” Stef changed the subject for a bit, lessening the intensity.

Lena picked up on that and offered, “We should have date nights with that rule.”

“Hmm, I’d like that very much,” Stef leaned in and kissed Lena gently on the lips. She savored the moment, “Just like the first time.”

Her lips still tingling from the kiss, Lena breathed, “Even better. I remember how hard it was pretending that we were just friends.”

“I couldn’t believe it when we started going out to dinner. I was too stupid to see that it was dating.” Stef shook her head, remembering her denial.

“I still don’t like that I wasn’t fully single. I just thought we were having fun. You were straight, no harm. And honestly, I was so young. I didn’t really understand what commitment was.” Lena felt like this conversation that they’d previously had, carried new meaning. She needed Stef to know that cheating was not in her nature. She reached for Stef, relishing this rare occurrence when she could provide physical comfort for Stef.

“I was just so happy to have you in my life. I’ve always been very good at hiding my feelings and denying what I wanted,” Stef recalled sadly. “I still find it hard.”

Lena held Stef tighter, “I know honey. I wish I had that excuse. I was just in deep denial because I didn’t want to face my reality. Once you kissed me, I had to face it.”

“I am sorry, I hadn’t wanted to ambush you the way I did.” Stef buried her head in the crook of Lena’s arm.

Lena smiled. “We were so dumb, letting go had gotten harder and harder each night. I mean, maybe you didn’t realize, but I should have, those lingering hugs each time we parted. It was such a pleasure to hold you close. It still is.”

Stef agreed, feeling herself melt into Lena. “It was easy to forget everything back then. Falling for you, each time we talked, it was like our own little world. But that night when I walked you to your door, I couldn’t take it anymore. You looked so beautiful and I had felt so close to you all night, it just felt like what came next. It was necessary, like breathing. I just had to.

Lena kissed Stef’s forehead, “You blew me away.”

“I did?” Stef wanted to know.

Lena sighed, “You know you did. It felt like my first kiss. It’s the very reason we celebrated that day as our anniversary for so long.”

Stef sat up, “We were born that day, as a couple.”

Lena wanted to reiterate, “I broke up with Juliana immediately after.”

Stef realized, “You know, I never met her.” Back then, Stef hadn’t cared about this person and what had happened to her.

“She never mattered in that way. I was dating just as a social habit. And I think I kept you two apart because part of me knew that she wasn’t worthy of meeting you. Once, you kissed me. I knew. I knew that unless I felt that way about a woman, I shouldn’t be with her. You ruined me with one kiss. Plus, I know that it would be a struggle, but if we could be together, I never wanted to look back and think I’d been with any woman after you kissed me. It felt disloyal to you to date someone else.” Lena confessed. She didn’t like admitting that she’d been using a woman to just pass the time, but that’s what it had been. In her defense, it was hard knowing what was possible when she’d never truly been in love. Not the kind of mature, mutual love that she had immediately shared with Stef. And she had to admit, that for Stef, she would have done anything. She would do anything.

Stef searched Lena’s eyes, “I have always trusted your integrity.”

Lena wondered if that was true, “In some ways, we met at the right time, and the wrong time.”

“How so?”

“Well, you were still married, and I was with someone else. It was the wrong time. It was also the right time though because our hearts were free. And I think we were both ready to start a family. We were meant to be and people just had to move aside.” Lena surmised.

Stef knew that it hadn’t been that easy. “You weren’t so sure of me then.”

“Well, Stef, I had stopped dating Juliana, but you were very much not sure about coming out. I tried to push you into an answer and you just didn’t have it for me. I had to make you understand that what we had needed to be serious and respected.” Lena had waited for Stef after that. And she had known that getting over her would not be an easy proposition, but Lena had needed acknowledgement. She had needed Stef to make a commitment to her.

“It scared me so much… being without you.” Stef graced Lena’s cheek with the back of her hand. “If it’s in my power to keep you happy, I will do it.”

“I know honey, me too. I want you to know that this is exactly what I want, that you’re all I ever need. I don’t think you know…” Lena kissed Stef’s wondering hand.

“What?”

“How addicting you are. Your intensity is intoxicating.”

Stef scoffed, “You don’t always like my single mindedness.”

“That’s only when it’s not directed at me. When you are focused on me, Stef, it melts me to the core.” Being out of the Stef’s spotlight was an incredibly lonely experience. The time they had drifted apart had been the scariest in her life. The recollection brought a tear to her eye.

“I am here baby, I am here now…” After a bit. Stef felt herself in need of some light fun “Lena, you know, I’ve never…” Stef let it linger between them feigning innocence.

Lena raised her eyebrow but quickly caught on, “I know you’ve never been with a woman, but I promise you I can take it slow.”

“I am scared, I don’t know what to do,” Stef feigned incredible innocence, unlike their first time which had been unsure but certainly not innocent.

Lena kept herself from laughing, Stef did know very well what do now and she always had, but pretending was fun and it was turning her on a bit. “You don’t have to worry, I can show you. You can just do what I do.”

“Is it really that simple? I mean, you’re a l…” This time, Stef was struggling to keep it together.

“A lesbian? A woman who likes to make love to women?” Lena finished boldly, relishing in the role of experienced lesbian.

Stef pretended to blush, “I just don’t think I can say that.”

“You don’t have to say it, you just have to do it? You want to?” Lena inquired, getting more serious.

Stef nodded nervously.

“You want to touch my breast?”

Stef glanced shyly towards Lena’s bosom and nodded once again.

“You want to place your lips on my breast?” Lena encouraging Stef to keep looking at her.

“This time Stef looked away and said, “Yes, I would love to very much.”

Lena tilted her chin towards her, “I could you show you how to suck them? Would you like that?”

As an answer, Stef tentatively reached with one finger, to feel Lena’s nipple beneath her fingertip.

Lena groaned, there was no faking the feeling of Stef touching her, especially if it echoed the first time she did that.

“You like that?” Stef wondered.

Lena managed a nod, “Would you go to the bedroom with me, I could show you more things?”

“Yeah, I do.” Stef said, more certain.

Once inside the hotel bedroom, they both slowly discarded their clothes as well as the roles they’d been playing.

They faced each other, naked, nothing between them. They met on the bed with a kiss.

“You were never that innocent,” Lena stated.

“I was more than ready for you when you finally allowed me in your bed,” Stef spoke. “I was still scared, it was so new. I was afraid you wouldn’t like it.”

“You had nothing to worry about,” Lena whispered with a kiss. “Because I loved you. I love you.”

“I loved you, I love you so much. I wanted to make you feel good, and I selfishly wanted you to forget all the women you’d been with.”

“I forgot them the second I met you at school that day.” And in rare moment of confession, “I was nervous too, anxious, I wanted you to forget your marriage. I didn’t want you to regret anything.”

Stef took Lena in her arms, “You definitely had nothing to worry about. You, my love, you changed my life. You made me see my truth. You shook me right out of denial and once I tasted your lips, I knew there was no going back.”

They stopped talking for a while and kissed deeply, still sitting on the bed.

“I know we don’t do this as often as we should, but whenever we do, I am amazed at how quickly you turn me on,” Stef murmured, her hands wondering the expanse of Lena’s hips, and legs.

“It’s getting started that’s so hard. Our heads are always somewhere else.” Lena whispered back. Lena stopped, urging Stef’s attention to focus on her words, “I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you and I love our family and that’s what I want to do. Lead this crazy group through life with you by my side.”

“I’ve been worried that we might not be enough for you, that I’m not enough for you, but I don’t want to be that person. I trust this more than ever. It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that being together is a choice we both make every day.” Stef felt possessive suddenly needing Lena to understand that she was hers, and they belonged to each other.

For an answer, Lena just kissed Stef and felt Stef’s energy shifting. Before long, she was on her back, Stef moving deliciously against her. Stef was kissing her neck, it was Lena’s most sensitive spot and her wife knew it. She’d kiss her, then quickly latch on to sucking on her pulse point, and kissing her way up to Lena’s ear. When Lena was in the mood, this immediately made her grind against Stef. It was an automatic response to her arousal. “Baby, you know me so well.”

“I know every inch of you, I know you like no one else ever has,” then more intensely, “or ever will.”

Lena responded by grabbing Stef’s butt and bringing her closer. She was now grinding above her, their bodies touching, soft skin everywhere. Lena’s nails scratched a trail down Stef’s back, first gently, then harder as Lena’s pleasure increased with each kiss. Stef moaned feeling the slight painful sting of the scrapes. She liked it when Lena was so into their love making that she lost a bit of control.

“I love you, baby.” Stef managed to breathe into Lena’s ear.

Lena held onto Stef tightly, “I love you too, so much.” Lena marveled at how incredible it was to have two wedding nights, and to say without a doubt that they were closer than ever. They’d faced the storm together.

Stef raised herself off Lena and rested on her side, still above her. She began to run her hand over Lena’s body, feeling the soft skin of her belly and inner thighs. She lingered around her belly button, admiring her strong, yet seemingly fragile body. Lena was so elegant, and that didn’t go away without her clothes. Stef recalled the first time she saw her naked, it had been a revelation. “I remember the first time I saw your body.”

“I enjoyed showing it to you.” Lena said, squirming under the intense attention.

“You’re the most beautiful being in the world.” Stef said honestly.

“So are you,” Lena spoke knowing the truth in those word.

Stef took a nipple in her mouth and allowed herself the pleasure of continuing exploring Lena. Slowly she rubbed the inside of her thigh, and watched Lena open her legs wide, welcoming her. With a bit more room, Stef was able to squeeze and knead Lena’s flesh, closer and closer to the apex of her legs.

“Touch me,” Lena groaned.

Stef stopped sucking on the pert peak of her breasts and with a quick lick added, “Are you ready, my love?”

“Always for you,” Lena didn’t think Stef understood how true that was. Lena was almost always up for it, but she knew Stef’s drive was more tied into her worries and responsibilities.

Touching Lena between her legs was like coming home, warm and welcoming but also so sexy and sensual. Lena was soft, and currently so very wet. Stef let go of Lena’s nipple, to kiss her, to catch her moans in her mouth. With one kiss, she could communicate her love and devotion. She coated her fingers with Lena and began by teasing her opening. Lena’s hips turned up to try to capture the wondering digit, but Stef was too busy exploring and teasing. Her attention was now on slipping Lena’s clit between two fingers, cradling it and stimulating. She felt lost in Lena, and had no particular aim in mind. The more she stroked, the wetter Lena got, the hungrier it made Stef.

Hurriedly, Stef placed herself sideways between Lena’s legs, and as she descended she sought Lena’s approval. Her eyes asked for permission and Lena eagerly consented. Through the years of making love, they’d learned all the ways they could please each other. Yet, they also knew that they didn’t like all things am all times. They had developed quick wordless ways of checking with each other. Stef loved the way Lena smelled, and she was very familiar with her most intimate scent. The mere act of being the only woman who got to know her like this, aroused Stef. She squeezed her thighs to relieve the pressure and bent her head towards her goal. Immediately, her lips were met Lena’s slick lips. Stef began with a long lick from Lena’s hole up to her clit. She wanted to taste all of her. Lena’s bucked up to meet her and Stef pushed her down with her hands, keeping her from wondering too far. Stef didn’t actually know much about pussies other than Lena. The fact that she’d only made love to one woman did not haunt her. It was her truth. Lena was her everything and she felt proud that she’d found her the way she had, before any others. She knew Lena, she’d read books, seen things, but this experience was one she’d only ever had with her wife. It didn’t mean wasn’t skillful, Stef knew how to please Lena. It was a rare event when she couldn’t and since the last incident, she’d committed to talking things out instead of hiding or pretending things were ok. Luckily, tonight they were both in the mood, both sober and both bursting with love. No matter the outcome she’d enjoy bringing pleasure to her wife.

Lena felt each lick like a tidal wave of desire over her body. She loved when Stef was focused on her. Lena sat up and Stef followed her as if attached by a tether. Now, Lena could watch. She wanted to see Stef pleasuring her. Stef’s lips were fully covering her labia, her mouth completely open to her. Her face was covered with Lena’s wetness as Stef made no effort to wipe herself. She briefly thought they should have put a towel down to avoid the wet cold puddle later. She didn’t have time to linger on the thought as Stef sucked on her clit, then briefly licked it, giving Lena a visual show to remember. She very deliberately elongated her tongue and slowly licked up and down, making sure Lena could see and feel everything. Lena reached down and grabbed a fistful of Stef’s short hair, thankfully long enough to get a good grip. Stef’s head snapped back and she moaned at the bit of pain of Lena was inflicting. Lena quickly guided her back down to her pussy, and began to grind against her face. Stef loved being a tool for her wife’s pleasure. She gave up trying to hold Lena down and just let her rub herself and gyrate on Stef’s mouth. Stef was incredibly turned on and reached down between her own legs to provide some relief for herself. Carefully, Lena watched the pleasure increasing on Stef’s face culminating with gasp against her clit.

“It turns you on to eat me out?” Lena moaned.

Stef looked at Lena, never taking her mouth off her pussy. She closed her eyes and nodded. Stef could see that her masturbating was distracting Lena, so she brought her hand back up to caress the soft tight curls above her mouth. She hardened her tongue and began stroking rhythmic pulses on Lena’s clit. Bringing her right to the edge.

“Uh, Stef, ahh, it’s so good,” Lena once again took a firm hold of Stef’s hair, wanting her to stay right where she was, keeping that same beat.

Stef resisted and sucked her clit briefly before lapping up all of Lena’s wetness. Lena let out a frustrated groan, which prompted Stef to come back in and resume her licking. This time, she knew she’d take her to the end. Lena pulled Stef towards her and resumed her grinding amid the slurping and moaning sounds that filled the room. Stef was gloriously lost in her task, letting Lena control her. After building up a few times, Lena was finally on the edge.

“Fuck, I am gonna come,” Lena yelled out before erupting in a strong orgasm that curled her toes. She shot her head back and shook, finally letting go of Stef’s and relaxing limply against the bed frame while tremors reverberated across her body.

Stef enjoyed the feeling of Lena’s trembling thighs and throbbing clit, before climbing up to Lena and resting on her chest.

Lena held Stef close and thanked heavens for this woman, her wife, her lover, the mother of her children. “You are so good to me. I love you so much.”

Stef just snuggled in response.

Lena brought Stef back up to her lips, kissed her passionately before flipping them over so she was above Stef. She looked her up and down appreciating her body. Stef’s surgery had healed nicely. The angry red scars fading and leaving a faint reminder that every day with Stef was a gift. The tattoo had done a good job of simulating nipples, and Lena knew that Stef was pleased with the results. They had been around the implants for a while now and they were both used to the look and the feel.

“Like what you see?” Stef husked. She couldn’t help feeling a bit of pride, her body was firm and fit, and her tits were looking good again.

For an answer, Lena dove into Stef’s body, worshipping every inch of it, with her hands and with her mouth. She knew Stef was close, Stef’s own hand had brought her to the edge. She pushed a finger inside Stef, then two. With her thumb finding purchase on Stef’s clit, she began to pump into her. Stef held on tightly to her arm while they kissed. Using Lena as a leverage, Stef pushed herself into Lena’s hand, faster and harder, till Lena’s thumb pressed hard on her clit and Stef came hard, suddenly sweaty and tired.

It hadn’t been like their first time, or like their first wedding night. It was better, their love had grown and their bond had strengthened in a way neither could have predicted when they’d first said I do.

#adamsfoster #adamsfosterfic #the fosters #stef adams foster #lena adams foster #fanfic #i struggled with this but i promised

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innerbean-blog · 7 years

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A Letter to My Mother 04.14.17

Dear Mama, I'm sorry for last night. I'm sorry that I made you upset by taking the charger without asking you and I'm sorry that I was up late when I wasn't supposed to. The truth is, I need you more than ever. These past few months have been very tough on me, and I know that you and Papa have seen it, but I haven't spoken about how I've been feeling at all. I have always wanted to reach out to you, as a daughter should to her mother, but I don't know why I find it so difficult to open up. I guess I'm scared of being judged by you because I have always portrayed a certain image to you, Papa, and your friends, and I don't want to ruin that. But this time I really want to be honest with you and share with you how I've been feeling. I chose to go to FLC because I knew that it was the right thing to do. I knew that it would be less of a strain on you and Papa and although I strongly desired to attend Jessup, God wanted me to make this small sacrifice because I knew that, in the end, the wait would be worth it. However, during the first month of the first semester, I was miserable. I was looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends, but for that month, I had never felt so alone. I felt left out as I saw posts of my friends enjoying their time in college, and it hit me especially hard knowing I could have been at Jessup, surrounded by some incredible, Godly people, and having a blast. Then I stumbled upon Circle K. It was Club Fair day and I was intentionally looking for the Campus Crusade table, but I couldn't find them anywhere. I was about to head out when a girl called out to me and said hello. That girl was Trang, president of the CKI club, and she invited me to go their meeting next Monday. She explained to me that the club was like Key Club, where they did a lot of community service, and I was kind of interested in that, but I mainly stayed and talked to her out of respect. What happened next was completely unexpected. I ended up going to the meeting, and it was actually a lot of fun. The people were so friendly and welcoming and by the end of the meeting, they already knew my name. One of them even messaged me on Facebook later and said it was nice meeting me, and that meant a lot to me. I had finally met people that were genuinely nice and made me felt like I belonged to something. After that, I continued to attend more events, and from those I met more people, all treating me with the same, genuine kindness I had never seen before, outside the church. I kept asking myself, how can these people be so nice? I had never felt so warmly welcomed before. It really made me happy. As I became more active in the club, I was approached by several people, but more specifically by Trang, to take up a leadership position. At first, I didn't take what they said seriously, but they really believed in and supported me. They saw something in me and made me feel like I could really make a difference. Their support was so uplifting and it meant a lot to me. So I decided I would run as Secretary. And although I knew I would get the position since I was running unopposed, I still took it seriously and crafted a speech. When I got elected, so many people from other schools congratulated me and made me super proud and happy. I was excited to begin my term as Secretary. I was really looking forward to working with the rest of my Board, who I had grown really close to over the past few months, even seeing them as my other brothers in a way. And I was looking forward to working with the new officers from the other schools, since many of them had also become close friends of mine. I wanted to bring our club to new heights, because we were a small club that not many people on campus knew about. I wanted to share with others how much the club helped me to break out of my shell and gave me a sense of purpose and community. I wanted to help those people who felt like me at the beginning of the year, lonely and isolated. It was at this point, with all the responsibilities I was taking on, that I began to feel that something was wrong. My life became all about Circle K. All I thought about was Circle K and the things I needed to do for CKI and the things I wanted to do. I focused so much on Circle K that I forgot to ask myself, or even ignored asking myself, Where was God in all of this? Where was my faith? How was my spiritual journey being nurtured? The truth was, God was no longer at the center of my life. I wasn't doing anything to grow in my faith and develop spiritually. I gave up trying to find a faith community and chose a community of my own. I knew I needed to go back to God and recenter my life around him, but it was so difficult. I thought, why should I? I'm happy with where I am right now. I have friends that seriously care and support me. I'm doing what I love, which is serving and helping people. I am an important figure in my club. I thought, this is where I need to be. This is where I belong. But deep down, I knew, God thought otherwise. When I got sick, I knew God was saying to come back to him. A few days before, I had organized a service event with another club for the following weekend. But then I got sick. And I couldn't make it. At first, I thought, I'm still going to go. But not only would I have disobeyed you and Papa, I would have been disobeying God. That was strike one. Strike two was the flat tire. This was my breaking point. Because I was straight up dishonest with you. I told you I was going to study and work with a friend but I really was going to study with other people from Circle K as well as part of a social. Why did I lie? I don't know. But I felt so ashamed, and I still do. I just kept hurting myself even more because I kept disobeying you and disobeying God. And getting that flat tire was a scary confirmation that I needed to get right with God. I needed to change. But I didn't know how. I felt so lost. I felt so unworthy. I felt like such a failure. I tried to pray, but even that was hard. I felt like I couldn't even begin to talk to God because of all my sin. I felt like I had gone so far down the deep end, and pushed away from him for so long, that there was no way I could come back. I felt the damage I had done was irreparable. The worst part was I hadn't told anyone how I was feeling or what I had done. That is, until my friend sent me a worship song a day after the flat tire incident. He didn't know it when he sent it, but it was a song that I really needed to hear. And it brought me to tears. I told him everything. How I've been putting God on the back burner and have been prioritizing CKI instead. How I felt so unworthy of God’s love and grace. How I felt like I just couldn’t go back unless I quit Circle K altogether, but that I couldn't because it was too late. He told me I just need to go back to God. He is there for me and always has been. He is going to accept me no matter what. I knew in my heart that was true, but I couldn't find it in myself to fully believe and embrace his forgiveness. I also told him that I haven't felt connected to my church in a long time either, and I really needed a community of believers that I could trust in. That's when he pointed me to Jesus Culture. He said that it's a nice church and I should go visit. I remembered that Anh went to Jesus Culture, and so immediately I texted her and asked if she was going. She said yes, and by God’s hand, he brought me to the church. There, I could only describe what I experienced as a revival, or spiritual awakening. One thing from the message stood out to me, and it was the one thing I needed to hear: John 8:34‭-‬36 NIV Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” A slave to sin. That's how I felt. I felt like no matter what I did, I was always going to be bound by sin. But hearing that Jesus had set me free was so refreshing. That’s when the Spirit broke through to me and I felt that outpouring of grace in a way unexperienced before. I was speechless and overcome by emotion. And it all came out in tears and the women whom were complete strangers came around me, hugged me, and prayed over me. God was there, using them and their words to heal and mend me and help me to come back to him. I didn't know how to express myself and what I was feeling, but because God knew already, he made it even more apparent to me through the prayers of these women. After that service, I felt less crippled by my sin. I felt like I could go back and rekindle my relationship with God. But there was something else holding me back, and that was getting right with you and Papa, my parents. I know I haven't been faithful and obedient to you, and this has caused me pain beyond what I could bear. I am sorry. More than sorry. I ask for your forgiveness because I need you. I don't want to go back to forsaking God. But I know I can't do it on my own. I need help from you both, but I also need counseling and guidance from you, my mother. I have been trying to face some serious obstacles in my faith walk, and it has not been easy going at this alone. I want to be able to turn to you when I need it because you are the woman I look up to most in my life and aspire to be. I am sorry for everything. I love you and I hope this message will reach you and find you as much as I need to find you. Love your daughter, Josephine

#I sent this to my mom this morning #she read it and we both shared tears and had a heart to heart for the first time #thank you God for your goodness #thank you for blessing me with a beautiful mother

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