#and like just because i haven't physically hurt myself in a while doesnt mean that my meltdowns during these really bad spirals are | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sad-leon · 8 months

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Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

#vent post #tw vent #long post #tw exhaustion #tw burnout

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sabakos · 1 year

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lots of people, especially trans people who are undergoing physical transition, (including myself and several of my friends) get asked invasive questions all the time. (are u rly unaware of all the cis people who think its a-ok to ask trans ppl abt their genitals?) but even outside of trans ppl, sexual harassment exists and often takes the form of invasive questions.

the purpose of asking "do you think thats an appropriate question?" is twofold: one, it shows ppl being purposefully malicious that their behavior will not be rewarded, and two, when asked genuinely (as it should be) it can help people who genuinely dont know that its invasive to understand that, if theyve been asked this question before (and thats why they think its normal), that being asked that question is not normal and is in fact invasive.

also just as a general rule, just because you personally havent experienced something, doesnt mean other people are "making up a guy to be mad at"

huh. interesting, I haven't experienced that and would certainly not ask someone about their genitals, but that's gross and invasive and I agree that people shouldn't do that, and I'm very sorry that it does.

I don't think that this is a particularly useful response, though! I think a plain e.g. "I'm not comfortable answering that question" is the best, most polite, and unambiguous response. In a more general sense it communicates to the other person that you do not want to discuss a topic and then lets them infer that other people may not want to answer as appropriate.

Unless it is genuine malice, in which case I also kind of doubt that snark is going to help you here? That sounds like it would encourage that sort of behavior. If someone is trying to troll or harass you, a clap-back is generally not useful to you! But being flat and boring about your boundaries is going to encourage them to bother someone else.

But like, personally? I think if someone in real life ever responded "Do you think that's an appropriate question to ask someone?" to something I asked in good faith, uh, I would probably not want to interact with them ever again, no matter what tone of voice they said it in. I would probably be too hurt if I still didn't think it was a personal question upon further reflection, or too embarrassed if I did!

So it seems more like with this confrontational, passive aggressive strategy that you're encouraging malicious people to interact with you more while driving away people who are simply awkward or don't understand their own personal boundaries. Uh, that doesn't seem great to me!

#anon #anti-autoresponder reblog tag

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decomposingdoll · 2 years

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Tw- sh, suicide, rant, alcohol, heartbreak, etc

I've ruined the only chance I've ever had at happiness. I've genuinely chased away my soulmate because I said something stupid while I was drunk. I didn't mean it, I don't even know why I said it, I told one stupid pointless little lie (about smoking no less) and just like that I've ruined everything. I've lost the only person I think will ever love me as much as they did. And that kills me. Ive been miserable since. Technically we haven't broken up yet but they won't even talk to me, so I'm not holding out hope... I'm just devastated that it's all going away.... I thought our love for each other and our relationship would be strong enough to make it through something like this. It kills me because I know I'd forgive them if it were the other way around, but I can't be mad, I did it to myself. It's my fault, and I forgive easily because I'd forgive anything so someone I love doesnt leave me. I just feel like we could move past it maybe, if we could just talk, and maybe they could learn to trust me again, I've never given any other reason to not be trustworthy... But that's not my choice to make. If I've hurt them that badly, and they chose to never associate with me again, that's their choice and I'm going to have to respect that, but I don't know how I'll love with myself for it. I feel horrible, scum of the earth level. I hurt the person I love the most, and even if they do forgive me, ill still struggle to forgive myself. Knowing that I caused them pain, when I'm supposed to be helping them, and loving them and doing everything for them, it kills me inside.

I'm a wreck. I'm barely sleeping, I'm barely eating (it's taken me 3 days to eat a fucking tiny bowl of pasta) because I just can't stomach anything, my chest physically hurts, I just feel like I'm breaking apart. I'm always on the brink of a panic attack, and I can't go an hour without sobbing. Nothing is making me happy, I don't want to do anything, the only thing I enjoy is sleeping bwcause in my dreams sometimes things are okay, I'd even take a nightmare over this. I have work tomorrow and I'm just dreading it, my world is crashing down and I have to go and be cheery? The worst part is, as much as I want to and I feel like I deserve it, I can't hurt myself. Because I can't ever have that on their conscious, even if it isn't their fault. If they ever found out id done anything as a result of this, wehter its sh or worse, I know they'd blame themself. They have too kind of a heart for their own good, and even though it would never be their fault, only mine for how badly I screwed up, I know they'd think it was their fault, and I can't bring myself to hurt them anymore than I already have. I just don't want to live in a world without them. It seems dramatic I know, but genuinely they were the only person I had, my best friend as well as my partner. Nobody has ever loved or cared for me more, and I've never loved or cared for somebody more myself. I truly believe that they are my soulmate, I thoight we would grow old together. Its not like the other times where I convinced myself I saw a future with an ex, I truly truly did. I still do, I just don't think they want that future anymore. I'm just ranting rn to the void because nobody reads this but I needed to say it somewhere, I needed to rant and the only person I can really talk about my real feelings with is the one person who hates me the most right now.

I've decided I'm going to go sober if they do decide to forgive me. It was alcohol that caused me to say something stupid, therefore no matter how much it makes me feel happy, it turned me into a person I don't want to be, and caused me to screw up the best thing I've ever had. It's a small price to pay if it means I can get my soulmate back. I'll try to stay sober even if it doesn't work out, it'll just be harder because there will be less motivation to, and I don't know if I'd be strong enough without the motivation of never hurting them again. I'm planning to tell them about the sober plan when I see them in person, I'm hoping soon they'll say qe can meet up and I can tell them, and we can talk about us and figure out where we stand etc, but so far they don't even want to talk to me, let alone meet me in person.

All I can do is hope and pray that they'll find it within them to forgive me, and we can move past this together, working on our relationship and rebuilding trust, I'm just scared that won't happen.

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