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copperbadge · 1 year

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Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them).

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication.

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date.

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work.

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things.

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more.

#sam has adhd

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mazyb0i · 2 months

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Other RnM fans?

Rick n Morty fan creator/artist here, trying to make friend brohs with ppl who are also obsessed with the show. I have a hard time reaching out due to my anxiety. (proshippers DNI)

tldr; you're also a neurodivergent queer artist nutjob that makes crackpipe art an shitposts, heavily kins a character at one point or another, and we should be friends because we can be insane together LMFAO

Fav show ships: BP x Rick all day, (I love flesh curtains, and their dynamic is just so yes... I...) Morty x Alaska (i named the vat of acid gf Alaska because the Alaska trip..) Summer x that one girl... Morticia X Jessica, Rickcest/ Rick selfcest is aight, I obsess over Miamicop. I think selfcest in cloning / multiuniverse theory is harmless, but don't come at me with any of that proshipper/inc3st/rickorty shit. I will block you, report you, and put you on a DNI beware list; this is a threat & a warning. That shit is never EVER ok.

if we become friends/wanna know about;

I'm diagnosed Audhd, I'm a transmasc demiboy, I like to be referred to as nonbinary and a transgender male with He/They pronouns. Panromantic Demisexual.

I'm a rick kinnie, just means I identify with rick, in another universe I could be him XD, I relate to him, we share the same personality literally (ENTP 7w8); he's my self identifying comfort character. But my big interest with this show/comic is probably due to some kind of autistic hyper fixation and imprintation.

Hobbies: Crafting, Digital illustration, Fursuit /Costume making, Youtube, 3D designing, Making silly video skits, Writing, Character design, Shit posting, Creating ai voice bots for fun n fandom purposes (will make le memes), Trying to be a youtuber like Imbrandonfarris and Britany Broski, collecting stuff, VRchat, Collecting fluffy soft shit like stuffies, pillows, blankets, and hoodies. I SLEEP IN A NEST OF ALL OF THESE

Personality?: Chaotic, Unhinged, Tired and fed up with this shit, All the Energy AND NO ENERGY, I'm so tired please god help me, i'm an enigma. Ambiverted. If ur looking for a cool crazy cat dude broh who draws weird ass digital art and is always tired but jacked on coffe, adderall, and Naproxen i'm your guy.... :'}

I do alot of art and have alot of burnouts due to my adhd- I've been told I'm innovative, clever, and expressive. I can jury-rig your glasses easily with a paperclip if you're screw comes out and loose frames causes the lens to pop. I'm very detail and idea-oriented, i come up with thousands of ideas, questions, and theories. Because of this, I tend to come up with one idea after another without actually going forward with plans and actions because i get so overwhelmed with my massive brain XD

Even tho I'm socially awkward, I love people, I want to make friends. I like being alone a lot but I hate feeling lonely. :C When I get to know you I'm very very chatty; as long as I'm not too tired or piled with heaps of assignments. I would say I'm pretty laid-back and easy to get along with, I get so stuck up in my personal world up in my head that I lose sight of important things around me, I blame the adhd. I'm an observer, I like to watch and see how things happen, I am a very hands on person.

I'm constantly learning, i love science with a passion. I got hyperfixated on evolution of different animal clades a while back. I am immensely curious and focused on understanding how the world operates and functions. I'm looking for mental and intellectual stimulation, lettuce skip casual conversation about wheather- whats your favorite dinosaur? (fuck ignore my dyslexia) and before you say a pterodactyl let me stop you right there- they aren't dinosaurs. if you like understanding the world through learning various things about science, technology, or culture, I'm your guy. but I'm also just a silly hoo hoo aah smart ass.

god this is finally done... I've been writing this for an hour......

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mactiir · 4 months

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Lucid dreaming is actually that bad? I tried getting into it once but training the reality checks was too much for my adhd and I just dropped it. Guess I dodged a bullet.

i mean, anecdotally. I don’t know that there have been enough studies on it to establish whether it's helpful or harmful in general, and I can't really find evidence either way. I am seeing some studies that claim it's helpful for PTSD, and others that claim it causes heightened symptoms that are in line with OCD, psychosis, dissociative disorders, and depression.

For me, the amount of metacognition induced by regular reality checks (constantly asking yourself "is this real??? how do i know??" every 30 minutes feels uh. very disordered), combined with the memory fuckery of having REM hallucinations in your working memory alongside waking memories (when i regularly lucid dreamed, my brain wasn't very good at telling the difference between "actually happened" and "was a dream" even when the dreams were positively buckwild surrealism trips, because the memories "feel" exactly the same), and the well-documented mood effects of having chronically disordered sleep (lucid dreaming sleep is uh. Not restful. You always wake up feeling like you haven't slept, dwelling on your dreams, asking yourself "am i really awake this time or... or... or...?"), the net effect of regular lucid dreaming was to make me feel like I was going literally insane. I was a wreck, I was paranoid, my anxiety and depression were extremely heightened, I couldn't tell what was real, I had hella nightmares, I had sleep paralysis every time I woke up for months, I was both terrified to sleep and chronically exhausted, my memory was shot, and I constantly obsessed over whether I was awake or not. It's taken me years to get back to a baseline level of restful sleep and waking existence that doesn't feel ominously like it could devolve into a nightmare at any second.

Is that going to be everyone's experience? Probably not -- I do have a family history of some fairly serious mental illnesses, including OCD and psychotic depression, but it's worth noting I don't have any of these disorders myself. Regardless, if you ever struggle with dissociation or discerning reality AT ALL, I really don't recommend trying to learn lucid dreaming.

#lucid dreaming #mental illness #cw psychosis #cw dissociation #cw nightmares #sleep paralysis #dreaming #Sleep

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historyhermann · 1 year

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Examining Socially Awkward Anime Characters

Komi uses a finger gun during a scene in Komi Can't Communicate

Recently, there have been more socially awkward anime characters than before, which I've noticed as a casual anime watcher. Curious about it, I decided to check out some of these series and offer my thoughts.

Reprinted from The Geekiary, my History Hermann WordPress blog (it will be published there on Dec. 22) and Wayback Machine. This was the fortieth article I wrote for The Geekiary. This post was originally published on May 21, 2022.

Socially awkward characters have appeared throughout anime. There are even lists of shy, lonely, and socially anxious characters. These characters are either protagonists or have supporting roles. Their social struggles often become a key part of each story.

I will look at over 20 socially awkward anime characters. The characters mentioned in this article are only a sample of a wider phenomenon. Many anime characters are insecure, quiet, don't like being around other people, or keep to themselves. I've only chosen characters in shows that I have watched to date.

This post contains some spoilers for each series I am writing about. With that, let me get started!

Komi Can't Communicate

Tadano (right) tries to introduce Komi (left) to a new friend, Katai

The protagonist of Komi Can't Communicate, Shoko Komi (voiced by Aoi Koga) may be the most well-known socially awkward anime character. She suffers from extreme social anxiety and struggles to communicate. She often writes what she is thinking in a notebook.

This clashes with the fact that since she is stoic and very attractive, she remains very popular. She has been a big reason why the anime has garnered a huge fanbase. There are over 170,000 followers across three subreddits related to the series or the original manga. In the series itself, she can speak somewhat awkwardly when talking on the phone.

Through the anime she has a goal to have over 100 friends by high school graduation. She is getting closer to reaching that goal. Her first friend is a fellow protagonist named Hitohito Tadano (voiced by Gakuto Kajiwara). He often helps her communicate with others.

The series does an excellent job of showing her anxiety, through her behaviors and emotions, noting how others around her perceive them. Komi is openly described as socially anxious. As the narrator says from time to time, "When a person has extreme social anxiety, they struggle to communicate with others. Bear in mind, they only struggle to form connections, it doesn't mean they don't want to." That's something which rings true.

Aharen-san wa Hakarenai

Raido (left) and Reina (right) rapping together in an attempt to communicate with one another better.

This romantic comedy centers on Raidō (voiced by Takuma Terashima) who has trouble making friends. He attempts to talk to his classmate, Reina Aharen (voiced by Inori Minase), but believes that she is ignoring him. He later comes to the realization that his fellow classmates had pushed her away. They thought she was timid, clingy, and awkward. In an attempt to bridge the gap, he tries to make Reina be more social and become her friend by any means necessary.

Raidō and Reina are different than Komi. Neither has social anxiety. Instead, Reina speaks softly and Raido's face is naturally unfriendly. She has trouble telling if she enters someone's personal space. As the anime goes forward, they become better friends. They meet other nervous characters like Mitsuki Oshiro (voiced by M・A・O), a nervous girl and childhood friend of Reina who has a crush on her.

Later, Raidō and Reina try and communicate better by rapping. To hammer the point home, Reina rides on fidget spinners in the ED. They have been purported to calm down those with ADHD or autism, even though experts reject those claims. At one point, Reina becomes obsessed, trying to perform tricks and causing little kids to become jealous.

Raidō often struggles to beat Reina in any game and continues to have misconceptions about her. This goes as far as thinking Reina is a delinquent. Although I haven't read the original manga by Asato Mizu, it likely has similar themes. Her other manga, Denkigai no Honya-san, also features a shy character and may focus on social awkwardness as well.

Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

This ongoing anime is a combination of romantic comedy, slice-of-life, and psychological fiction. It features an introverted, inward-looking protagonist: Yu Ishigami (voiced by Ryōta Suzuki). He has a dark-haired emoish haircut with bangs covering one eye. He is often in his own world. Even so, he keenly observes people. Still, his words clash with those on the Student Council, when he points out inconvenient or uncomfortable facts.

Yu remains afraid that Kaguka will murder him. She sometimes threatens him through her looks or comments, especially related to her crush, student president Miyuki Shirogane. Additionally, Chika, sometimes beats him up when he says inappropriate things.

Due to his sense of observation, he is one of the anime's smartest characters. He has extra skills with using numbers as the Student Council treasurer. His taciturn behavior, negative thoughts, and lack of presence, as the manga's author described him, are only part of him. It does not prevent him from going on dates or developing feelings for other students. He fits right into the student council as Kaguka is hypersensitive, Shirogane is not skilled with ordinary things, and Chika is prideful.

By the show's third, and current, season, his bangs no longer cover his eyes. It might be a sign that he is surer of himself and not as brooding and inward looking. After all, Amethyst in Steven Universe went from having her bangs cover one of her eyes to having both eyes uncovered as she gained more confidence by the final season.

In fact, in the most recent episode of Kaguya-sama: Love Is War, he took the initiative. He was less socially awkward than in the past, even though this annoyed the others in the festival planning committee. He used his expertise to shoot down their ideas.

In the Heart of Kunoichi Tsubaki

Rindou nervously introduces herself to the village

The sixth episode of this ongoing comedy series, based on the manga of the same name by Sōichirō Yamamoto, introduced Rindou (voiced by Konomi Kohara). Despite prodding of those around her, she refuses to remove her mask, saying she's ashamed of her cute face. She will be a recurring character in this anime and may have a bigger role in later episodes.

Her characteristics align with others who are socially awkward. She doesn't know how to talk to the girls in the village and comes from a village populated only by men. This makes her like the technowizard princess, Entrapta, who is sweet and autistic. She also wears a mask to hide herself from others, to be within her personal world.

You could argue that Rindou, like Entrapta, is masking herself, in that she is hiding her possible autism to fit in at the risk of burnout or extreme stress. It is something which much of the art created by neurotypical people responds to. It connects with the idea that disabilities are people's superheroes. This idea could be liberating to some, but ultimately is limiting.

In the seventh episode, Rindou practices taking off her mask, wanting to fit in more. While some of the girls plot to have her remove her mask, Tsubaki reassures her, telling her that she should do it at her own pace and not force it. After the scheme by the girls is fooled, she takes off the mask and reveals her face. She is later shown with the mask, which came from the head of her previous village, on the side of her head. She tries to get closer to those in the town, even while Sazanka is jealous of how close Tsubaki and Rindou are getting.

Love Live! Nijigasaki High School Idol Club

Rina hiding her face with her notebook

This music series, part of the Love Live! franchise focused on music idols, tends to have more extroverted and few socially awkward characters. One exception is shy library reader Hanamaru Kunikida in Love Live! Sunshine!! who is a gregarious introvert. More pronounced is Rina Tennoji (voiced by Chiemi Tanaka) in the ongoing series, Love Live! Nijigasaki High School Idol Club, who often is too shy to show her face and covers it with a small notebook with face expressions.

This goes one step further: she wears a small monitor in front of her face and cat-eared headphones during live shows. She has a developed knowledge from taking information processing courses. Occasionally she reveals her face to people, but only in specific instances. Unsurprisingly, she's described as a "face-hiding type school idol".

Hiding the face is a form of masking. It can refer to someone changing their personality to conform to harassment, abuse, or social pressures, including hiding signs of autism. In the case of Rina, she is doing a bit of the latter, as a person who is somewhat socially awkward. Komi also hides her face partially with her notebook. So, it is not unique to Rina.

In some ways, Rina is like the masked samurai in Fena: Pirate Princess, Yukimaru Sanada. He's introverted but leads a group of samurai who ties to keep the series protagonist, Fena, safe from any harm. Unlike Rina, he does not sing. Predictably, he falls in love with Fena, and confesses his love for her in the final episode.

Hitori Bocchi no Marumaru Seikatsu

Hitori struggles to introduce herself to her homeroom class in the first episode

This 2019 slice-of-life comedy centers around a girl named Bocchi Hitori (voiced by Chisaki Morishita). She has social anxiety and struggles with talking to others. After Kai ends their friendship, she decides to make friends with everyone in her class. But she has one problem: every time she gets excited, she passes out. This is compounded by her struggle to communicate (like Komi)!

She isn't alone in this. One of her classmates, Ito Kuri (voiced by Honoka Kuroki), who is a student librarian, is also shy. She gets her first friend by accident, Nako Sunao (voiced by Minami Tanaka) when they share an umbrella after school.

As the anime goes forward, Bocchi gains more friends, and becomes more confident in herself. She becomes friends with a supposed "loser" (Aru Honshō), a person who thinks they a ninja (Sotoka Rakita), and a lover of sweets (Peko Onaka). She also becomes friendly with a kid who comes from a wealthy family (Mayo Ojōsa), and many others.

She encounters a stumbling block in Kako Kurai (voiced by Kana Ichinose). Kako has a personal policy against becoming friends as she wants to be strong by herself. She slowly comes around to Bocchi by the anime's end. Over the course of the anime, Bocchi learns more about herself and what it means to make friends. It's a good anime for those who are socially awkward or struggle to keep friendships.

Mitsuboshi Colors

Yui, one of the protagonists of Mitsuboshi Colors, acting nervously

Since the manga's author, Katsuwo, also wrote Hitori Bocchi no Marumaru Seikatsu, its no surprise that this 2018 slice-of-life comedy anime has similar themes. The main character, Yui Akamatsu (voiced by Yuki Takada) is extremely shy. Even so, she leads a group of three girls in elementary school, including herself, Saki Kise (Sat-chan), and Kotoha Aoyama, called the "Colors." They work together to protect the peace in the town, performing errands and deeds. A pandalike cat they name "Colonel Monochrome" often goes with them.

Despite being shy, she is the most level-headed of the three protagonists as they go on their adventures. She sometimes utters her catchphrase, "Trigonometric functions!" This earns her the respect of Saito, a local police officer. He sees her as the most reasonable of the Colors. Even so, she often goes along with the schemes of Sat-chan and Kotoha.

Unlike other characters in this post, Yui is only shy. She isn't socially anxious. During her adventures, she can easily converse with people in town. Her shyness is like Aoi Futaba in Princess Connect! Re:Dive. She is diametrically different from Fafnir in Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid. Fafnir is a dragon who acts cold toward others, is disdainful, and distrusts humans.

Although she often wears a star on her shirt, similar to Steven Universe, she isn't autistic coded like him. That's because she doesn't always have as much self-confidence. She also doesn't experience any traumatic like Steven. Despite this, both share one characteristic: living relatively care-free lives. This is more of the case for Yui than for Steven.

Märchen Mädchen

Hazuki nervous after receiving the book which allows her to enter the alternate world

In some ways, Hazuki Kagimura (voiced by Tomori Kusunoki) is like Bocchi or Yui. She is socially inept and shy. As such, she has very few friends or anyone she loves. Not surprisingly, she immerses herself in her imagination and story books, which she calls "Story Syndrome," as a big fan of fantasies.

One day, she follows a figure to a mysterious library and arrives in another world. She enrolls in a magic academy so she can become a mage (a madchen)! Although she puts this on hold for a time, she later comes back.

Despite her clear social awkwardness, a book chooses her. She becomes a friend of Shizuka Tsuchimikado, with her attraction to Shizuka growing throughout the anime. By the series end, both are either on the road to a relationship or in a relationship.

Significantly, Hazuki writes her own story. She gains her own special powers, deciding her own destiny. These powers include the ability to create a castle, a servant, change feelings of someone, or even make any wish come true.

She is not alone as a socially awkward character. Mai Sadohora (voiced by Hiyori Nitta) is shy, but dislikes malice. She knows karate and self-defense through the martial arts. There is some fan service in this anime and other issues, like occasional partial nudity of the protagonist. It is something which would require a longer review to dive deeper into the series.

In certain ways, she might share some characteristics with Kana Nakamachi. The latter character is a soft-spoken shy girl, who is often frightened, and protagonist of Kanamemo, a slice-of-life yuri comedy. Unlike Kana, she is older and has more friends.

Asobi Asobase

The Student Council president rejects the typical inappropriate antics of the Pastimers Club

This 2018 surreal comedy is bizarre and made me laugh a lot at its often-absurd antics. In this milieu is one character only named "Student Council President" (voiced by Honoka Inoue). Embodying the stereotype of a shy girl with glasses, she is often quiet. She only got the position after a speech by the beauty-obsessed Vice President appeared to be threatening.

Furthermore, she tries to limit the generally irresponsible Pastimers Club, comprised of the show's three protagonists, Hanako Honda, Olivia and Kasumi Nomura. She vacillates between wanting to be friends with them and trying to undermine the club. At times, she can appear to be terrifying or condescending when she is trying to act compassionately.

The Student Council President is not socially awkward like characters in recent Western animations like Inside Job, The Owl House, Cleopatra in Space, Steven Universe, or She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. Nor does she have a gentle or cool personality like characters in A Centaur's Life. Instead, she shares some characteristics with Hougetsu Shimamura in Adachi and Shimamura, who thinks socializing is troublesome. However, she doesn't focus on taking care of other people and her personality isn't as innocent.

Her character is right at home in this anime. There are characters who are childish, pretend to be something they aren't, shoot laser beams out of their butt, love the occult, and are otakus.

YuruYuri

Rise leans against her senpai, Nana

This slice-of-life yuri comedy, the title which literally translates to "Easygoing Yuri", which ran from 2011-2012, 2015, ended far too soon. One socially awkward character stands out: Rise Matsumoto (voiced by Saori Gotō). Even as the head of the student council, she has very little presence. She speaks so softly that only one person can understand her: Nana Nishigaki (voiced by Ryoko Shiraishi), a teacher at the middle school. As a result, she has become the "explosive friend" of Nana, as she suffers from Nana's explosions.

Nana, who is more outgoing, is like Professor Farnsworth in Futurama or Heinz Doofenshmirtz in Phineas & Ferb. In another, she is akin to Raido in Aharen-san wa Hakarenai in that she can understand what Aharen-san is saying, even when others can't. The camaraderie that Nana and Rise have together is one of the best parts of the show.

She has no zany catchphrases or wild actions like Peridot in Steven Universe, a character often interpreted as autistic. The former is directly the case for the show's protagonist, Akari Akaza. Supposedly the main protagonist, Akari has a lack of presence unlike other characters, who comedically tease her about it.

Rise and Akari are joined by uptight and tsundere (Ayano Sugiura) or cold and distant (Chizuru Ikeda) characters. Akari nor Rise is non-talkative, making them different than the Demon Lord in The Great Jahy Will Not Be Defeated!, to give an example.

Akebi's Sailor Uniform

Akebi (left) and Minoru (right) people watching and taking notes

This recently ended slice-of-life series, with some yuri undertones, centers around Komichi Akebi (voiced by Manatsu Murakami). She attends school in sailor attire. However, the dress code of Roubai Girls' Academy, an all-girls private school, has people wear blazers instead. In the process, she stands out. Even so, she makes new friends with her bubbly personality, including some socially awkward characters.

This includes an inquisitive girl named Minoru Okuma (voiced by Konomi Kohara) who does not like to socialize. Instead, she prefers to observe other people and take notes, hoping she can use it someday. She enjoys taking notes about animal life. Then there's Tomono Kojou (voiced by Shion Wakayama) who is quiet, shy, and a bookworm. Not surprisingly, she spends a lot of time in the library as a member of the literature club at Roubai Girls' Academy.

They are joined by Ayumi Tougeguchi (voiced by Shiori Mikami), a loner and roommate of Okuma. She suffers from anxiety so severe she has to take medication. In the latter, Akebi even aids her. Despite all this, she is a member of the school's table tennis club.

Okuma, Kojou, and Tougeguchi fit in with other students who either sleep a lot, are self-conscious, or are stoic. Although I have gripes with problematic fan service in this series, this series is mostly wholesome. These characters are part of that.

Azumanga Daioh

Sakaki struggles to talk about cats to her fellow classmates

This classic 2002 slice-of-life and surreal comedy has a host of socially awkward characters. Most prominent is the tall and soft-spoken girl, Sakaki (voiced by Yū Asakawa), who is uncomfortable with herself. This shyness manifests itself in her seldom speaking. Her reticence to say words is seen as cool or mysterious, even though it isn't. This contrasts with her love of cute things, like cats and cat-related paraphernalia. Sometimes she shakes when nervous, like Komi, although not as uncontrollably.

Her expressions are often misinterpreted. For instance, Kagura tries to "protect" her from cats which bite her on her hand. In fact, she only wants to pet cats on their heads. As such, she is similar to Fumi Manjōme in the coming-of-age yuri anime Sweet Blue Flowers or Sue Mitama in the slice-of-life supernatural comedy anime, A Centaur's Life.

Azumanga Daioh gained a significant following due its majority female cast. No one objectifies or demeans any other character. The series also has a queer audience because Kaorin has a huge crush on Sakaki.

Apart from Sakaki there is Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga. On the surface she might as an easily distracted and slow girl. Her mind functions differently from other people. The child prodigy, Chiyo Mihama, recognizes this. She is as smart as another socially awkward character, Chloe in We Bare Bears. There's also the awkward and strange ephebophilic teacher, Kimura, which some call pedophilic. Others say he could be a parody of the magazine that the manga, which the series is based on, ran in.

Closing thoughts

There are many other examples of shy and socially awkward anime characters. Take for example Belphegor in As Miss Beelzebub Likes, Yui Yamada in Kase-San, and Sumi Sakurasawa in Rent-A-Girlfriend. Additionally, Ian Stuart in My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!, and two characters in Strawberry Panic!, Hikari Konohana and Kagome Byakudan, are shy, timid, and socially awkward.

Even so, some argued that autism awareness in Japan is lagging, with no series having an autistic protagonist. Unlike Western TV series, none of these characters are portrayed at "cartoonish extremes" or have their social awkwardness as a "superpower".

There are many more socially awkward characters in Western animation. There's a character in the upcoming Dead End: Paranormal Park. All the Steven Universe characters were described as neurodivergent by series creator Rebecca Sugar. But that's a discussion for another day.

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aroaceleovaldez · 11 months

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Anxiety (and possibly added undiagnosed ADHD) with depression combo soup cause me to be very very avoidant of preparing/overpreparing to the point of, so to speak, setting myself up to fail. Maybe this is what they were going with with Will? I think individual experiences with GAD or specific anxiety disorders are always very individual. Some of the stuff you are mentioning sounds more on the compulsive symptom side. I don't think TSATS overall handled various mental health symptom things very well but Will's anxiety made sense to me.

[Re: This ask]

I could see that, but again it doesn't feel like that's what we got with Will in TSATS? He doesn't delay preparing, he seems very intent on being prepared appropriately (again, him being over-prepared seems more of played for a joke and never really comes up again other than some of the things he packed proving useful), etc etc. Like you said, there's absolutely always going to be an individual aspect - and yeah, my anxiety personally does lean more obsessive/compulsive aspects in certain places, though not all - but I genuinely did not recognize the way Will was written in TSATS as him having an anxiety disorder. Again, at most it just reads like normal anxiety/nerves, not GAD, or seems to be related to outside elements in other elements of the plot.

In terms of him being ignorant of the Underworld, I could see that maybe being it (him being avoidant of the topic) like you said, but we've never seen any signs of that before and again, it doesn't really make sense for him to date a son of Hades for a whole year if that in particular is an issue for him? Especially when he's simultaneously repeatedly insisting to Nico that Nico is making up being ostracized for being a son of Hades and it's actually his own fault. If Will had his own preconceived notions against the Underworld, you'd expect him to believe Nico's claims that people are avoidant of him for those exact reasons rather than challenging it so strongly and consistently.

Again, I could see it if any of that was the intention, but the execution on it was severely lacking and doesn't make a ton of sense for narrative consistency.

#pjo #riordanverse #tsats spoilers #tsats #the sun and the star spoilers #the sun and the star #ask #Anonymous #anxiety #ask to tag #and yeah what you said anon. handshake emoji. this book absolutely flopped on the mental health topics

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talks-with-the-void · 5 months

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uuurrrrgh I hate this feeling of "what if I am faking being autistic??? I for sure am nOt AUtiSTiC EnoUgH"

So. In an attempt to cope with this, I'm gonna write shit down

reasons why I think I am "not autistic enough":

I can use irony and sarcasm and it's a 50/50 chance if I understand it when other people use it

I am very low to no support needs, because I am extremely skilled at masking and "just pushing through struggles"

I don't have violent and/or screaming meltdowns

now: reasons why I am FUCKING OBVIOUSLY autistic and not secretly faking:

I mask all the damn time. if I didn't mask, I'd constantly stim, make weird noises, etc in public

There is exactly one person I feel comfortable being myself around, which is my boyfriend who is probably autistic too. I am like 98% sure he is. we communicate through meowing mote often than I'd like to admit lmao

I stim. all. the. time. In public I try to be subtle but it's still there. I do the feet rubbing against each other, vocal stims, biting my lips, pulling my hair (gently, not actually pulling it out), cracking knuckles, rubbing fingers against each other, etc etc etc

special interests. I mean they get blurry with hyperfixations sometimes, but my obsession with Warrior Cats, The Big Bang Theory, horses and Pokémon is on a different level. I always was like this, after I watched LotR for the first time, it became my whole personality for five fucking years. I watched the movies over 20 times each and the Hobbit around 10-15 times. same with BBC Sherlock and Supernatural (the later is still ongoing, the others have faded over time).

I love love LOVE repeating things. it's most noticable with what I watch, I'm currently on my 30th or something run of TBBT. same with routine, although that's less noticable, cause I don't have a set daily routine - but in my head, I always plan like a week ahead and I fucking hate sudden changes in my plans. and by "sudden" I mean four days or less of mental preperation time.

ugh eye contact. I just. can't. social situations in general, I feel so fucking uncomfortable unless it's with people I 100% trust (or if my boyfriend is with me, then I feel safe too)

I could eat the same 10 foods allllll the time. I do like trying new things because cooking is fun but it needs to be under my control and I need to plan it out in my head. and I simply won't ever get tired of chicken nuggets, pasta and pizza.

sensory issues UGH- light too bright, sounds too loud, texture to ewww - you name it. high-pitched beeping noises make me go nuts, they fucking hurt my brain, they're the worst but there are other bad ones.

I have ADHD and had severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years and also was bullied, which isn't criteria but indicators, so...

I have pretty damn high scores on any autism test I take. every single one, even when I downplay my symptoms.

this is all I can think of for now, I might add on in the future

#actually autistic

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mental-health-advice · 3 months

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Genuine mental health thing:

I get what I've been calling "Anxiety tics" because they come on suddenly when my meds aren't working/I'm in an overwhelming situation/I feel any extended emotional stress. I've heard that anxiety can't cause tics, but since I only get them when I'm under physical/emotional duress, I don't think I have a tic disorder...

I don't remember if they were there in my childhood (I've suppressed a lot of it) but they've become common over the past few years and are almost always involuntary and cause more stress, but on the rare occasions I don't fight them and just let them happen, I feel guilty like I'm faking a tic disorder... which distresses me enough to cause more AND makes me try to fight them.

In my mind there's a difference between them and my ADHD stimming. Like, my stress stims are mostly stuff like obsessively stretching my joints, hitting my head, pulling my hair (or... other self damaging behaviors), but these are more like a sudden jerk in my neck (usually up and to the left), tensed shoulders, and some vocalizations (usually "No!", "Stop!", or "Stupid", which are also common phrases when I have panic attacks).

I really don't know how to categorize these things... are they tics? Maybe some obscure subset of stimming?

Hey there,

Part of what causes or what brings on tics is things such as stress, anxiety, tiredness, excitement or even happiness. So with saying all of this it is definitely possible that when you are under stress or are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, then this is what may cause your tics to come on. In regards to if this is a full-blown case of a tic disorder, I cannot answer this as I am not a health care professional but it is possible that you only get tics when you are feeling the above ways (stressed, anxious, tired, excited or happy.)

Bringing attention to your tics, or trying to fight them, can indeed make them worse, so maybe instead of trying to fight them you could instead try to focus on something else that is happening in your immediate environment as a distraction? Just an idea!

I don’t think it really matters in the end how to categorise these tics that you experience, but instead rather figure out the root causes behind them and try to work on those things. It may be really beneficial to see your local doctor or GP for some support and/ or help and they can also refer you onto someone who can better assess you and work with you to try to help figure out what exactly is going on for you. I know that this won’t be easy and will be somewhat uncomfortable and hard, but often by seeking professional help we can then work towards knowing more about what is going on and how to best deal/ cope with it in future.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #tics

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alostlittleriverlotus · 6 months

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im angry. I'm purely angry. My mom is finally listening about doctor stuff and why I hate doctors so much and instantly she turns my goal of my health into being able to sleep at a "normal" time (waking up in the morning and being awake through the day) and being able to go for walks, be active, and go outside. And I fucking hate it.

★(small sa mention, one line of it. suicidal thoughts and self harm mentions.)★

I don't care if I can never walk normally again. If I will always need mobility aids or only be able to walk/stand for short periods. Yes, I enjoy a ton of exercise and dancing with my whole body and having an active life, but if I never can again, I have accepted that.

I don't care about going outside. That is agoraphobia, fear of people, and extreme paranoia and delusions wrapped into one. I feel constantly watched, unable to be outside of the car or the house without extreme anxiety, fear, and having to talk myself through it when I had to go collect the main. I am okay with not being able to go outside. I still would love to go and sit out back, but my parents bought chairs that I can't sit in which is why I haven't sat out back since we were at our last place and first moved in, a fucking year ago. There's physical issues to it too, but it is mostly mental stuff that I'm fine living with.

I don't care about a "normal" sleep schedule. As long as I can get 6-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm fine and functional. I have pain, I have untreated ADHD, I have bad mental problems, I have delusions, I have flashbacks, I have breakdowns, I have paranoia, I was fucking assaulted in my sleep, I may have sleep apnea. We can fix as much as we possibly can, but I am entirely fine if my sleep schedule will never be routine. Oh yeah, plus my period messes up my sleep schedule too.

I don't care about being the most perfectly healthy active person. I don't care if I'm unable to do things that I could before. If I'm fat the rest of my life, that's fucking fine with me. I refuse to go back to obsessively needing to control my health because of a mix of ocd and ocpd and npd that results in an obsessive need to be perfectly healthy at all times. I am not going back to that cycle. My mental health is too fragile and so long as the mental health system and psychiatry system is broken in America, I do not give a fucking shit. I cope well, I am happy where I am, I am content. All I want is the constant pain to end, to be able to have relief and supports. I got ankle supports and cried over how long I have fucking suffered with joints that feel like 3D Mario game ice physics. I cried about how much I was actually at a disadvantage without knowing it while pushing myself to be "normal" and as good as others because I believed I was just not pushing through it like everyone else.

I do not care about living a happy "normal" life. Even if all of my physical issues could magically be fixed (they can't, I'm fairly certain I will always have these issues), I have severe mental problems that will never fucking change. From who I am and how my autism is to the severe trauma and personality disorders I have. AND THE FACT MY MENTAL ISSUES CAUSE ME PHYSICAL PAIN, FATIGUE, AND MINOR SICKNESS INCLUDING PHANTOM FEVERS!!!!!

But I accept that my pain may be something I live with. All I want is to receive actual help for it instead of constantly worsening it by having 0 support. A shower seat, movable shower head, mobility aids, actual fucking accommodations. My goal is to never be perfect abled and neurotypical or to function as such. My goal is never to be as perfectly healthy as I can be. Because with who I am, that will just worsen me to try to achieve that. And that's fucking okay. I am allowed to be unhealthy.

As long as I am not suffering every second of the day and considering death to be better yet unable to go through with it because I don't want to die while my parents are a part of my life then I am fine. I am happy. Even in bad pain days, the feeling of caring for myself and having things to rely on to relieve the pain makes me feel good about myself. I have lived without those for so long. This is all I desire. To relieve as much of the pain as I can so I can feel alive.

But I am aware I may be fat the rest of my life. I could also lose weight, I've fluctuated weight most of my life. I am fine having mobility issues and requiring help for those for the rest of my life. I do not care to be perfectly abled, I just don't want to suffer every single day with 0 help or accommodations while being blamed for it all as if it's a fucking moral failing and to be able to actually understand what the fuck is going on with my body. I'm fine if I'm unhealthy the rest of my life. I just don't want to have to cry over how sick I feel or how bad the pain is and consider death a better option because I have no help and have felt like I'm losing a race my entire life because no one else seemed to be suffering. That's all I fucking want.

I'm sick of my parents' dumbass health shit. I'm sick of them being fatphobic while they're extremely healthy and I'm fat and neglected and struggled so much more than they have because they will do anything for their own health, but won't do shit for me when they're the ones that I have to rely on. I'm sick of my mother pushing these "normal" goals because she wants me to be functional. Fuck. That. Bullshit.

I want help for my pain. I want to be diagnosed and get the help I can. I want accommodations and supports and mobility aids so I can experience as little pain as possible. It's so bad nearly every day. And wearing those ankle supports only made it all the more real that Yes, I Am Fucking Suffering!!! And yes, I need help. And I'm tired of being hyper independent and being neglected and being ignored while I see my parents handle every tiny thing wrong with their bodies when I've lived with this shit my entire life. It hurts. It hurts so much. And I hate that even with them FINALLY trying to find me doctors and get help, they still push fatphobia and healthy bullshit onto me. As if I need to be the optimal health. I don't know if it's possible and I'm not sinking back into the obsessive tendencies I've had since I was young. I was miserable and hated myself, blamed myself for everything. I will NOT go back to that.

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ivefallenforyouandicantgetup · 10 months

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My experience with disability has been long, painful, and frustrating.

I have too many stories to tell in one post without making a new ‘Color of the Sky’ so instead I’ll be putting one and rb-ing a new one every now and then. Maybe one story per day for this month? I certainly have enough for that lol

SO!

Let’s meet the ~lovely~ little pains in my butt!

💖ADHD

You know what ADHD is. You use TUMBLR. There’s no way that you don’t

🥳Severe Depression

While you likely know depression, here’s what mine encapsulates: suicidal ideation, suicidal impulses, self harming ideation, Intense self hatred, Disregard for my life and well being, difficulty with hygiene, and of course, a general intense feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction at nearly all times unless coping through escapism.

💕Raynaud’s Syndrome

Circulatory disorder characterized by a discoloration of the extremities such as fingertips, toes, nose, ears, (and knees in my case, dunno if that’s normal tho). Extremities are often red. purple, or white and freezing to the touch. My fingers are a direct binary of burning or freezing. They are never the same temperature as the rest of my body. They are either too hot or too cold. When cold: fingers have decreased mobility and are often extremely painful.

🎀Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

Autonomic disorder that can basically be summed up as When Stand Blood Go To Feet & Don’t Come Up So Brain No Worky Right™️

Blood pools in the feet, causing there to a be a decreased amount of blood circulating in my body which causes a variety of ~fun~ effects, including but not limited to: Dizziness, fainting, temporary loss of vision, burning like pain in legs, decreased ability to move, brain fog, decreased ability to think, decreased ability to breath, rapid heartbeat, temporary loss of hearing, body tremors, many assorted stomach issues, fatigue, decreased endurance for physical activity of any kind (including laughing and chewing), near constant nausea, and more~

🥰Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

THIS IS NOT PERFECTIONISM. OCD is a variety of anxiety disorder that causes a sort of delusional response unit to randomly appear in your head. Your brain convinces itself that something specific has to be done in a specific way or else something terrible will happen (often to myself, for me). It is NOT PERFECTIONISM, it is a fear of DEATH over something like someone not excusing themself after they burp (that’s actually a real one that I have). It is a state of panic that causes the person afflicted to do rash, unreasonable things fueled by adrenaline and fear. Even when explained to that the thing could not possibly happen, (i.e. my arm will not fall off if I hold it up for more than 5 seconds in class) the person cannot be convinced and will continue to panic. These compulsions happen more than once, often daily occurrences that can be so SO frustrating to deal with.

Thank you~ See you with a lovely story sometime tomorrow 💕

#disability pride month #disability pride #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots #potsawareness #potsie #pots syndrome #depression #actually ocd #ocd #raynauds #raynauds syndrome #adhd #physical disability #mental disability #chronic illness #All my physically disabled babes in the club go AYYY #All my peeps that lose their ability to stand see and hear sometimes go OHHH #I might have forgotten some of my ~precious babies~ 🤪 but I will blame that on the brain fog

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candymonic · 11 months

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I’ve been really struggling lately thinking about if I’m autistic or if the things I think are signs of autism are my social anxiety and/or adhd.

I need help. I don’t understand how to even look for more information that could help me. Ive read articles that somewhat make me think ‘oh maybe there’s merit in those idea’ but I just can’t find anything comprehensive in words that I can understand that also considers that I have other things that could be causing what I think is autism symptoms.

What if I’ve been masking so hard my entire life neither the people around me or myself noticed anything was wrong? I literally don’t remember most of my life so I don’t even have a reliable source on what I was feeling as a kid. I don’t think I would have talked about what I was feeling if I did feel something. But I don’t know if I did.

I’m very touch sensitive. I can’t wear certain fabrics. Touching something slimey makes me want to cry. I can’t clean up powder because the way it feels through the wet paper towel makes my skin crawl. I also hate wet paper towels. I need thick-ish drinks (chocolate milks) to swallow pills as in swallowing pills with water can make me physically recoil (but also I have a *microscopic* mouth so that could explain that one?). I’m extremely particular about food textures. I can’t eat Brussels sprouts, they make my throat constrict because they feel so bad in my mouth I don’t want to swallow them. That could just be my mom’s cooking being bland as hell though.

I’m sensitive to sound. I can’t be in loud places, it makes me anxious. A little distressed. I have misophonia. I can’t listen to people chewing or swallowing or breathing in my ear, it makes my skin crawl. Now misophonia could be an adhd thing but it’s so bad that I have to wear headphones (not earbuds or I would hear my own chewing, which isn’t *as* bad but still not great) *and* have music in the background when I eat dinner with people.

Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed and tired, I shut down. It becomes very hard to speak, not impossible but I have to charge up my voice in order to get anything out and it’s very mouse-ish. Quiet and meek and mumbly. I become extremely sensitive in this state, no one could touch me or i would want to cry, every sound is louder and makes me jump, even my taste is different. My emotions slow down to protect myself from feeling any more overwhelmed. I saw my brother for the first time in maybe a year when I was in this state and I couldn’t even be properly excited about it. I had to recharge, something that took at least an hour.

I need a lot of time to myself. I am hesitant to go out and do things with people because the only thing I usually do is be by myself (change in routine).

I obsess over things for months to years at a time. I try to learn everything I can about that thing. I love talking to people about what I know. I love learning about what other people know.

And it’s so fucking hard to find information on how this can show in adults because for some reason adhd and autism is talked about like only children have it.

Maybe I’ll feel different once I get into college, but it’d be useful to know this about myself, yknow?

#should I tag this? idk if I want people to see it… fuck it. sorry #autism #adhd #social anxiety

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big-boah · 2 years

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Disability Pride month is almost over, and I wanted to share my story about my own experiences with disability.

I have autism, ADHD, TBI, PTSD, deafness, and a few others! 🤟

Under the cut:

Here's my story:

When I was born, the doctors gave my mom drugs to cause contractions because I was sleeby and very late, and it wasn't until my mom almost died that they found out I was in the wrong position and couldn't be born naturally, while also being choked by the cord. (I was covered in bruises until I was like, 2.) I sustained a mild TBI from that and I was lucky I guess, because it could've affected me differently. (My mom also didn't know she was pregnant for a while and both parents had/have substance abuse issues. I had a rough start lol)

As a kid, I started reading and speaking very early, but I would only talk about things that I cared about/infodump. I clearly had attention problems--I couldn't focus on something unless I was absorbed by it. I had meltdowns because of sensory issues regularly. I also had a speech impediment and a weird accent that I got speech therapy for for a year.

My parents were told I was likely autistic when I was about 5 or 6, as I would only show 2 emotions: unabashed joy, and meltdowns. Otherwise I just...look angry lmao. I went through a lot of bullying in school and ended up being diagnosed with depression with generalized anxiety disorder by the time I was 11.

I've always had horrible coordination issues/apraxia/dyspraxia and I still struggle with it daily. I've broken so many bones y'all 😅

I was diagnosed with autism and suspected ADHD when I was 13 and again my parents did nothing with that. The school offered services because I was struggling, even though we were a low-income family in a small low-income school with grades K-12 in one building they did what they could to help. I was in special education classes as well as advanced classes at the same time until high school when I switched to all advanced/college level classes. One therapist at school helped me learn ASL to deal with the speech generation issues and I am forever grateful for that.

I've been writing stories since I was 6-7ish and writing to communicate was my favorite. By the time I was in middle school I learned to mask, and I studied people and psychology obsessively so I could understand why people did things. I didn't have any friends until this time although I did try (but no one else wanted to pretend to be a dog or a mage or play DBZ with me, well fuck you too! 😜)

My parents tried to get me to be normal so they forced me to join a sport when I was 8. An dyspraxic 8 year old playing softball lmao. I hated it. My dad wound up coaching the team 2 years in, because I was getting bullied BY THE OTHER DAD COACHES hahaha. I was forced to do that for 7 years.

I joined the bowling team in middle school of my own accord, and ended up being like the "backup team" where it was literally 3 of us from the special ed class 😂but I loved it! I got to hang out and bowl and everyone was really supportive there. I made some good friends for the first time.

My parents forced me to get a job and pay rent starting on my 15th birthday and of course I started working at the mall, on Black Friday, in retail. I am great at masking in very short bursts, literally just acting a script, and this is why I only feel comfortable leaving the house if I'm in character 😅So job interviews have never been too difficult thankfully. I had to get out of the whole abusive house situation ASAP so I started full time at an auto shop on the corner of my street the same time I started college, bought a used 2-door black Pontiac Grand Am from some guy on Craiglist with my own money, and moved out when I turned 17. I moved in with my best friend at the time who was also autistic, into a house we were renting from a friend's mom who was in the military.

I started experiencing chronic pain around this time, and had my first Meniere's flare up the first month of college. I was diagnosed with Meniere's at 18 as well as migraines, but my dad and grandfather had the symptoms start around the same age and they were never diagnosed, it was just considered "genetic hearing loss." Basically I have flare ups where I get too dizzy to sit up and my ears go out completely, then when they open back up it's never the same as it was before the flareup. It's been 10 years of this and I'm completely deaf in my left ear and half deaf in my right ear. I wear hearing aids and without them I can't really understand sound, and because of the nerve damage I usually can't tell where sound is coming from when I hear it, which is...an experience lol.

When I was 23, I woke up one day with a huge blind spot (scotoma) in the center of my left eye. I still can't see out of it. I started having other nerve issues in other parts of my body, they did a bunch of tests and found significant weakness in my legs which were also spasming, and all that improved over a year. I am still in the "we have no idea" zone for MS, after MRIs showed possible lesions but it would explain a lot. 🤷🏻‍♂️They told me it could be fibromyalgia or a virus too, but who knows at this point. Just a lot of inflammation.

I personally think a whole lot of this is caused by burnout. The timing is suspicious...

When I was 25 (2019) the nerve issues came back with a vengeance and it corresponded with an extremely stressful job situation. I went through the same tests, which were all inconclusive, again. I have extreme pain in my hands, hips, and feet during these flareups where I can't walk at all or sleep or move, and my ankles will go so numb I get drop foot in both feet and have to wear braces. 😅Eventually the nerve inflammation heals and it takes a few months, but its never the same after.

During this time I also experienced a mental health crisis, SI, and a rapid decline in executive/cognitive functioning due to burnout, because I'd been working full time for 8ish years at that point and autistic burnout is a real thing. I haven't really recovered from that honestly. Which makes work and being alive change to "Expert Mode" from "Hard".

In April 2021, I fell in the shower and sustained a skull fracture w/ moderate TBI. I am much more emotional now than I was before the TBI, my memory is worse, and my migraines have been worse since.

I can't shower unsupervised anymore. I can't do most things unsupervised except work and drive. (I may have issues, but I have always been a damn good driver! I honestly think it's because I played Grand Turismo with my dad's pedal and brake set on PS 1 for years!)

Even before all of that stuff, I knew I could never live alone. I've always lived with friends who knew my situation, and I moved in with my husband 2 weeks after we met and we've been living together since. (10 years now!) I can't do a lot of stuff like cook or use scissors or lift heavy stuff, and I have meltdowns where I will hurt myself without meaning to, it's just always been that way. I can't go out on my own either except for short trips like appointments, due to the fact that I will completely dissociate when I'm overstimulated and my brain function just ceases to exist. I get stuck often (autistic catatonia).

I am now 28 and I'm hanging on to full time work by my last thread. I am grateful I work from home doing software support, but any kind of full time work gives me burnout, which turns into inflammation and physical stress, which makes work harder, etc, it's a lovely spiral! Therapy has been helping me a ton. I've been in all kinds of therapy of my own accord over the last 10 years, and I currently work with an occupational therapist and a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent adults with PTSD.

Without working full time I can't afford therapy and my long list of meds that keep me functional (I can't work without a VERY delicately balanced cocktail of stimulants, benzos, hormones, antidepressants, and THC. I absolutely HATE this with a passion, if I didn't have to work full time, I wouldn't need all the drugs.) There's going to be a day where I wake up and cannot work anymore, and it'll be sooner than later. When that day comes, we'll just have to move to somewhere less expensive and/or back with our wonderfully toxic families. /s

(That's what being disabled in America is like when you're white and have "level 3 autism" and come from a low-income family with many substance abuse problems.)

My husband is neurodivergent too, he's autistic and has ADHD. He can't mask his stimming much, and he's not very smooth socially (its adorable) but he doesn't have the executive function difficulties I do and he does not have apraxia, we're all different! I always get "fake mad" at him because he does things so perfectly the first time, like making the bed or baking or even wiping something off I'm like whoa 👀. It makes me ANGRY 😠/s.

Whatever, he's lucky he's cute.

I can't end anything on a depressing note so I will say that I've grown a lot as a person just in the last 2 years especially since the PTSD diagnosis, and my relationship with my partner is a miracle and I don't believe in that stuff. He has always helped me with everything, selflessly, since day 1. (He's the reason we haven't had to hire any outside help yet, he does the supervising and I don't mind one bit! 🥰)

Writing has always been a very cathartic activity for me, and I started doing a journal "as Vegeta" as a way to help my anxiety. Those journals are being stitched together into my fic on AO3 called "Chances" (linked!) which is goofy self-projecting fanfiction but Vegeta and Goku's characters are literally just me and my husband, 1:1. 😂He learned ASL for me, and we always have a blast in our little corner of the world. Our entire mission in life together is to just have the best time possible, responsibly, because life is short.

But yeah that's my disability story! I can't write anything short so if you made it to the end, here's a cookie 🍪and 🤟. If you're my internet friend, maybe this will help you get to know me better!

#actually autistic #autistic adult #actually adhd #semiverbal #semispeaking #deaf #late deafened #disability pride month #actually disabled #personal #my story #dan posts #tbi #ptsd #complex pstd

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saunne · 6 months

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Writing - Reflection and Personal Analysis (Pt 1)

(mostly rambling, if you want to read what I plan to do for the rest of NaNo, wait for the Part 2)

So I've been putting this off for two days, but I guess the end of the first week of NaNo is a good date for this kind of personal reflection. During this week of writing, of attempting to write, of abandoning writing and of writer's anxiety, I had time to think about a couple of things, to have some fairly enlightening insights on others and to better understand the whole mess I'm in.

This post is mainly for me, to keep track of my thoughts, my process and my difficulties and it may be long, so good luck to those who take the time to read my whole rambling. Cause this is but a frustrated braindump lol

First Issue - Brain is an obsessive 5yo without parental supervision

The first problem I have would be that I love writing. I really like writing. I always have a lot of imagination and a lot of ideas and therefore, in fact, a lot of WIPs, mainly fanfiction. I am part of several fandoms and I mostly operate with a main fandom and two-three secondary fandoms.

I have a tendency towards quite severe obsessive hyperfixation. This isn't new, it's something I've known for years, but that doesn't mean it's easy to deal with. My current obsessive hyperfixation is SVSSS. My current obsessive hyperfixation is not my Original Project, Erasde.

This is a Problem.

This is a problem because I keep thinking about SVSSS. My daydreams, my dreams, my ideas, my thoughts are almost constantly towards this fandom. I've had a Self-Insert living rent-free in my head for a while now. It's all-consuming. It's inevitable. It's obsessive.

My brain wants to work on these ideas and WIPs, read fics and daydream scenarios all day. My brain doesn't give a shit that it's NaNo and I was planning to work on Erasde.

I'm currently REALLY frustrated. Because I have to work on NaNo (and my thesis, but that's another problem), but my brain is a 5 year old chanting "SVSSS, SVSSS, SVSSS" over and over. I can't work on what I need to work on and I can't work on what I want to work on because of what I need to work on.

I'm really feeling like : (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Second Issue - IRL mugged me in a back alley

This year is a relatively light year for me. Which is good, considering I'm recovering from a burnout that had been brewing for two years and exploded with full force in November of last year. I was an emotional wreck, a wreck at work and study, and I was probably an ass to everyone who knew me back then.

I'm technically finished with my studies and I don't have any more classes to take. I just have to write my dissertation and prepare my oral exam to be able to validate my diploma. I have a small job that means I only work on Sundays, but I sometimes take a few shifts during the week for a little extra money. I do a little volunteering at the LGBT center, something I've wanted to do for years.

I went back to regular therapy, got an ADHD diagnosis that should have been done years ago, and I'm starting to understand why certain periods of my life and some of my relationships were so fucking screwed.

I'm healing, even if it's slow.

But I still have a lot of moments of no energy, of no desire, of stalled motivation, of fed-up-with-everything, of wanting to disappear into the nearest forest, of wanting to not having to speak for 5 and a half years and such.

So let's say that my spoons refill is very... random. Which is complicated during a challenge like NaNo, which requires a lot more energy than I thought. If I do NaNo, I have to sacrifice the energy for something else except sometimes there's nothing to sacrifice which makes it... complicated.

And it's also not something I particularly want to complain about with my friends or my family, who work 35 hours or more/week, in very demanding jobs. That would just be a dick move.

Third Issue - Brain won't brain correctly

Well, that's not new either. My brain hasn't brained properly for years, university life and my mental health on the ground have only made it worse but we're getting by. I will soon be put on treatment for ADHD, with Menylphredate. The cardiologist gave her approval so I collect my prescription at the end of the month, at the next appointment. I have very, very high hopes for this treatment.

But the fact is, my brain doesn't brain. In addition to not being able to concentrate, everything is mixed up in my head.

The biggest problem is a language problems. I am a native French speaker, but I have become accustomed over the last 4 years to writing almost exclusively in English. The vast majority of my writing in French was assignments for university, courses and analysis papers. I can no longer write fiction in French. Everything I write feels off, uncomfortable, messy, meaningless and it's fucking FRUSTRATING.

The mixing of styles is also a problem. I don't have a defined "novel" style. I have a fanfiction writing style, which I have worked on and which has evolved with my practice over the last few years, but I have no basis in style for a novel. Which has been really annoying this week because everything I've written makes me want to send my laptop flying out the window.

The fact is also that in parallel with NaNo and my fics, I have to write my thesis. I'm shitty with academic methodology and almost literally have to rewire my entire functioning to write academic papers, so when I then have to write fiction, it goes haywire. It's tiring. I'm currently on a short schedule to send the first part for review to my teacher and it's taken up all my energy and my ability to function this past week.

And I won't be free of this shit until February at best, April at worst.

┻━┻ ︵＼( °□° )／︵ ┻━┻

Fourth Issue - There is a Whole World in my head

Originally, Erasde was just a worldbuilding project. Like, worldbuilding for the sake of doing worldbuilding, to put the cool facts I was learning in history class in one place and absorb my excess imagination to be able to concentrate on my classes.

It then became a sort of "refuge" for my favorite fandom OCs, reworked to adapt to this new universe, and then joined by old OCs from an original project and finally by OCs native to the project.

The fact is that I built this world for 3 years, it's still not finished but damn, I have a fuckton of information to pass on, so many things that serve as clues, from Chekhov's gun, forshadowing and... Yeah, it's a nameless mess. I'm not necessarily the most organized person in the world, but we've reached a new level of fuckery with Erasde.

Figuring out how to organize all this mess is what blocks me the most about writing NaNo. Because it's not a fanfic. The people who read don't know the setting like I know it, they have to discover it and there is a limit to what the "in situ" setting can do.

Fifth Issue - Planning didn't go as planned

Because I should have planned and I didn't. Well yes, I did it, but not correctly. Or not enough. Or both.

With fanfics, since I know the setting and the characters and I don't have a fuckton of information to pass along to make myself understood, this would have been less of a problem. I can get away with writing a multi-chapter fics mostly in freestyle, complete improvisation, or with the barest handful of notes.

I CAN'T DO THAT WITH A NOVEL.

Which will conclude this long rambling post and take us to part two, where I will actually explain my plan of action.

#writing process #writing analysis #writeblr #writing #self analysis #personal practice #mental health #personal issues #erasde #unneism

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partsofminnies · 8 months

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I've never been diagnosed with anything formally, despite having been in treatment for mental health for the past 7 years or so. It's just not common practice since mental healthcare is close to non-existent in my home country.

I've been described to be symptomatic of major depression, general and social anxiety then ADHD and finally bpd. My doctor back home always made me feel like I wasn't sick enough and was just complaining (and often blamed my symptoms on my period), so when I moved to Canada and my psychiatrist/therapists discouraged using labels to describe my mental health I felt kinda upset like I was being dismissed again.

But I kinda agree now. So many of my symptoms border on different mental illness labels. My mood swings, anxiety, dissociation, hyper fixations, obsessive tendencies, identity fluctuation and sensory issues make me relate to a plethora of mental health labels but also not extreme enough in any of them for me to feel comfortable using the labels.

bpd (often sometimes rarely)

fear of abandonment

idealization and devaluation

lack of stable self image/identity

rapid mood swings

impulsive dangerous behavior

repeated self injury/suicidal behavior

persistent feelings of emptiness

inappropriate anger

paranoia and dissociation

My frequent dissociation and mood swings have made me feel like I'm different people at different times and it's out of my control. This has escalated since a suicide attempt a few months ago and an angry part that's been absent for 5 years or so resurfaced. I'm informed about osdd/id because my ex had did and I've learned to empathize with their struggles by applying the same framework on myself.

I'm scared to consider myself having osdd/id, just letting myself think about it causes a bit of panic. But there's an undeniable part of me that believes I/we are a system — regardless of labels. I feel delusional but the shuffle in my identity makes my life unpredictable and impossible to plan with. My parts that I'm less present with when they're out have made impulsive decisions that have undesirable consequences I've had to face.

If I have to put a label on it, my system fits criteria for osdd-1a or p-did best. I notice my parts are mostly versions of me at different ages, especially my more emotional parts. I only really experience grey-outs and feeling "taken over" by other parts and I was just in the back seat watching.

Currently I'm working with my system through ifs parts work. I don't completely identify with the theory of "self" in ifs. I'll probably use system language talking about me and my parts. I don't want to participate in syscourse, let me question in peace.

#dissociation #questioning system #osdd #pdid #pdid system #internal family systems #journal #profile #median system

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stinkyme · 9 months

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Hi, the “do you accept rants” anon here.

I was recently “diagnosed” (putting that in quotation marks because even though my therapist confirmed it, that official diagnosis apparently doesn’t exist) with hypersexuality, and I’m torn between finding it liberating and hating myself for it. For me, it’s partly a trauma response, partly a subconscious act of rebellion against my overprotective upbringing, and a rather unhealthy coping mechanism for my ptsd symptoms (anxiety, anger and depression mostly). It’s so hard to deal with, because I’m the one hand, it’s an obsession with/addiction to something that feels good (watching/reading porn, masturbation…) and doesn’t harm my body like conventional dr*gs would, and on the other hand, it’s causing me to be dissociated 24/7, fuels my adhd task paralysis (overwhelm, boredom? —> sexual activities) and some of my fantasies are truly disturbing. It also keeps me from doing my healthy hobbies, makes me stay up way too late and unable to leave bed until at least two hours after waking up.

I hate and love it, I finally enjoy sexuality after a long time of resenting even the thought of sex, and it feels good and rebellious, but it’s also bothering me a lot and I feel like a failure for being unable to quit my bad habits, and like a monster for having the most taboo fantasies (although I’d never realize or condone them in reality).

I know you’re not a therapist, but I just needed to get some of that off my chest. I feel so ashamed for that, that talking to anyone in real life feels too humiliating.

~🍞anon

First of all, I am also dissociated 24/7 (I have chronic dpdr for over a year now) so I completely understand that aspect, alongside with anxiety, etc., so you are not alone on that part even though my stems from possible c-ptsd which I lately learned or combination of stuff in my life which led to heavy panic attacks and stuff. Now, even though our background experience is different, I understand how delibirating and annoying symptoms are.

I personally don't think I am hypersexual (as odd as that sounds LOL), but I had my fair experiences with sexuality/masturbation issues or rather getting into such things very young due to trauma

I hope that what I am about to say will make any sense, I am sorry if it's all over the place, but

I think that there is absolutely nothing shameful about being hypersexual, I think the whole point to understand your hypersexuality is to move away that shame/guilt aspect away from it because if it stems from trauma I think it does, that experience itself is rooted in shame and guilt. There is no reason for *our* shame or our guilt, but our bodies just feel that way due to something being done to us without our permission and participating in something that makes us feel dirty because of that lack of enjoyment/consent/pleasure. Now, when it comes to hypersexuality and masturbating, it's very important to make a line between a rebellion and being unhealthy.

Your rebellion stems from lack of control, now you have full control over your body and it feels empowering to masturbate and enjoy content you couldn't before. The issue with control is that, if it's not a healthy one, then it will be, as you said - addiction that freezes you from doing anything else. Even though it's not as bad as doing drugs, overly indulging in porn and masturbation definitely leaves scars on your brain and body. (inability to be intimate w people, possibly indulging on dangerous sexual encounters, only being able to get turned on by heavy pornography/heavy sexual activities, self worth issues, lack of more natural/healthy dopamine, etc.)

You need to change the way you view this. Empowering would be you self-pleasuring in self-loving manner, taking it easy and learning about your body, letting your curiosity take over without judgement, appreciating your own nude body and try to do it without indulging in porn content. Only from simply wanting to make yourself feel good and meet yourself more. You need to detach yourself from pornography because it appears that you are going down the rabbit hole.

Masturbation and self-pleasure can be very healing and very power inducing in moderate/healthy amount. You need to slowly change your inner speech and gain actual discipline and understand that control that you are having is currently pure illusion. Control does not equal healing, it just equals that you will get obsessed with that false sense of control and over-indulge in it as you currently are, only to realize that addiction itself proves that you have no control.

Take it easy, it's always hard to break out of addictions and obsessions, especially because it always feels good to indulge in it - until it doesn't. So, take it slowly and try to resist an urge by doing something else - working out, drawing, doing any other hobbies you have. You find them boring now because masturbation is like a quick dopamine fix whereas hobbies require more time and focus for dopamine to kick in.

Come from the place of self-acceptance and lack of judgement. We judge things we don't understand or don't want to accept. Don't let yourself be that to yourself because only way to heal is to be accepting of your current self. I truly don't think there is anything to hate yourself for, you are facing a response from trauma and it's okay to take your time healing, as well as understanding that the last thing you need right now is to feel shameful or hateful towards yourself. You got this :)

PS. you are not a monster by any means, I stated before - our imagination is a vast and huge and nothing to be ashamed of. Please be kinder to yourself, you deserve understanding and lack of judgement, especially from yourself, you who knows absolutely everything you went through :)

#stinkyanswers #🍞 anon <3 #i hope this made sense #sometimes i am all over the place when i write my own thoughts out #but i hope this helped a tiny bit :)#and i believe in you and dont find you disgusting at all or anything like that #hypersexuality is very real and hard to deal with #so please dont be harsh on yourself

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praise-milkman · 10 months

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quick typing brain hurty

:( i have had a lot of moments in life where i my family speculated if i had depression or anxiety clinically, but other diagnoses seemed off the table. My dad has ADHD and I was super shy as kid but also smart, but no adult ever seemed to consider maybe I had what HE had OR maybe ..... on the spectrum. i know screening tests only go so far, I am so far from being able to go somwhere to diagnose or anything.... and every description of masking from sources and other people sound JUST like me, and now I am confused how one is supposed to know if they are on the spectrum or have a level of autism if they masked their whole life?? I noticed i was answering screening questions with what I would LIKE to do or be, so I switched to my mindset of when i was younger and felt my stress honestly instead of internalizing it and seeing how it was not sociable.... and that kid needed lots of help. I'm better now but only cause I have to be and i GET SO TIRED of being "an adult". I feel like the same person i was when i was 12 just employed and stuff. i never gave myself the space to consider i was more than just a little anxious (never got properly diagnosed in that area, just a lot of sessions with school counselors..) so now i'm trying to do that and find information so i can stop punishing myself for habits and behaviors that might ...like not be my fault....

in my life, i have had an INTENSE fear of conflict and being wrong. just scrolling around tumblr a couple posts in the autism tag make me feel like i shouldn't even be there. one post said "functioning" labels are frowned upon, but I also looked at a users blog who was non-verbal and called themselves low-functioning, and had some posts where they were very frustrated with "high-functioning" people and how they talk about autism. i mean already i learned that the thought "i feel non-verbal sometimes" may be more like...selective mutism or something else regarding communication, so i am happy i am looking into it bc that's how i feel. but i noticed my fear of being incorrect crop up and i don't like drawing attention to myself but i am 24 and tired of just acting like i'm normal and that it hasn't been a roller coaster hell trying to be socially acceptable. i've tried self-helping my way through life with moderate results, i at least know it;s not for lack of trying and now i see the pattern in my thinking, depression, obsession over topics, and so many things, but guilt and a constant sense of imposter syndrome about EVERYTHING holds me back from being honest about my feelings sometimes and how much it sucks because i had friends sadder than me and less stability and friends with worse disability so by all acounts i am doing super well but even those friends would not want me to discard my own suffering in a game of unbalanced comparison.

i'm not super sure why i'm posting this but i have never really once allowed myself the space to be weird and wrong and just roll with the fact that we are all weird and wrong about stuff sometimes. i vow to never hold hate in my heart so i wonder why i can't just trust that/. why am i so hateful towards myself then. I want to just say out loud, I AM CONFUSED all the time pretty much now, I feel LESS HEALTHY now then when i was 19 but I am honestly SMARTER and MORE CAPABLE so that's why it's such a CONTRADICTION. I feel like i am doing alright but somehow OVERTHINKING more than ever. some of my anxieties and social confusions are getting more glaring as i get older to the point where i'm like... i thought i had this under control? I fixed this thing that was "wrong"? And then I read online...there is such a thing as COVERING UP versus "FIXING" and that BLEW MY MIND and has stuck an itch in my brain I cannot get rid of , it explains how i wasted my WHOLE childhood caring too much about things i didn't even have to care about. I was worried about everyhting all the time and felt weird, and processed things weird, and i Was smart but too anxious so i didn't pass that one GT test, my self esteem lived on rock bottom as a school kid and i thought that was NORMAL and i was just SELF AWARE ABOUT MY FLAWS.

So there's that. i need to just stick it out right? It's hard to accept yourself, when your concept of self-acceptance or self-love is skewed in the first place? Like apparently I'm not the best measure... of if I'm being nice to myself... because I'm not sure what nice to myself really is. I miss being 4 years old i think haha

#personal #autism #depresssion #eeesh im just tired of saying nothing about it #clearly it's not helping

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